Back to Chapter 16
Chapter 17 - A letter from Nebraska
Mike was happy to have Ruthie accompany him on the trip to Davenport,
but as they neared the university, Ruthie�s mood deteriorated. She had
planned to study for several finals over Thanksgiving break, but she had
neither the time nor the desire to concentrate on course material. She
had been dragged to her mother�s church for hours on both Saturday and
Sunday, and dealing with her mother�s version of the Mega-Mart stampede
did not give her much of a chance to deal with her own trauma. Now that
she finally was sitting alone with Mike and quietly watching through the
window of his car, she had the chance to have some thoughts to herself.
When they returned to campus, Mike was so enthused about Ruthie�s
request to wear an anti-Mega-Town t-shirt that he insisted on first stopping by the office of the Danubian Solidarity Committee to get
her a couple of shirts. He knew that Ruthie really took a size small,
but because she hated tight-fitting clothing she wanted mediums. He
handed her two shirts and dropped a $ 20 bill in the group�s cash box.
Without saying anything, Ruthie changed her top. The sight of her body,
for a moment completely naked above the waist, filled him with desire,
but she ignored him. Once she was changed, he locked the office.
Shannon had not yet returned, so Ruthie decided to spend the evening
studying in her own room. Mike was hugely disappointed at the thought of
having to return to his room alone, but his girlfriend was in an
unpleasant mood and he knew that night would be a very bad time to
approach her about sex. Maybe it was just as well, because he had to his
own term paper to work on. He kissed her goodnight and went back to his
own dorm.
Ruthie locked the door, took off all of her clothing, and lay down on
her bed to study. It took a while, but finally she was able to push the
trauma of the Mega-Mart panic to the back of her mind and concentrate on
studying and taking notes.
She studied peacefully for about three hours. At 10:00 she heard a loud
thump, followed by a fist banging on the door. She scrambled to put on
her shorts and her new Mega-Town t-shirt.
�Come-on, open the piece of shit up!�
Ruthie opened the dead-bolt. Shannon came storming in and thrust her
finger into her roommate�s face.
�Look you stupid bitch! How many times have I told you not to lock the
fucking dead-bolt? How many fucking times?�
�Well you weren�t here�and if I�m gonna be here by myself I�m gonna lock
the door. That�s what they told us to do in orientation��
�Why? What for? Like anyone would want to fuck your ugly ass?
Please�give me a fucking break!�
Ruthie was about to do something that she had not done all semester,
stand up to Shannon. Her traumatic weekend, coupled with the confidence
her time with Mike had given her over the past several weeks, had
focused her enough that for once she was not numbed with depression. She
responded:
�Look, Shannon! We�re supposed to lock our doors! It�s in the safety
handbook and if you don�t like it, then take it up with Crystal!�
(Crystal was the name of the floor Resident Advisor)
�I�m not taking shit up with Crystal! That�s none of her business! You
leave the fucking door unlocked or you and me are gonna have trouble!�
Ruthie locked the door.
�Take it up with Crystal! I�m just following the rule! If you don�t like
it, take it up with her!�
�You fucking bitch!�
Shannon pushed Ruthie out of the way and unlocked the door. Ruthie
slipped back and re-locked it. Shannon, who was suffering from a
hangover and in a foul mood, was incensed that her pathetic nerd
roommate was �giving her shit�. She laid a fearsome slap across Ruthie�s
face and unlocked the door. For a moment Ruthie was too stunned to
react, but then she did exactly what she needed to do. She did not try
to retaliate, but instead left the room to find Crystal and report the
incident. Shannon yelled after her:
�Yeah, that�s right, you little cry-baby! Go tell the RA!�
Fortunately Crystal was in her room. When she opened the door, Ruthie
had a red handprint on her face. There was no denying the incident
because the physical evidence was clearly there. Crystal took the matter
seriously, not because she had any sympathy for Ruthie, but because
Shannon had given her plenty of trouble throughout the semester and she
was among the residents the RA most hated.
Crystal accompanied Ruthie back to her room to confront Shannon.
Ruthie�s roommate did not deny hitting Ruthie, but claimed that Ruthie
�started it by giving me a bunch of shit� and that she had pushed her
first. Ruthie indignantly denied pushing Shannon, but both roommates
agreed that the fight had started over whether or not the door should be
locked. The dispute over the lock put Ruthie at an advantage because she
was following campus policy and Shannon was hassling her for it. Crystal
admonished Shannon for hitting her roommate, because any physical
intimidation in the dorms was strictly against campus policy and was
cause for expulsion from the dorm system. Ruthie�s hopes rose that
perhaps Shannon had crossed a line with her behavior and might get
kicked out. Shannon realized that as well, and suddenly backed down, at
least in front of Crystal. However, she gave Ruthie a very nasty look,
letting her know that the matter definitely was not settled.
Ruthie clearly understood that Shannon had every intention of
retaliating. Having gone as far as she had, she knew that there would be
hell to pay the moment she and Shannon were alone�so she would have to
see to it that she never was alone with her roommate again. She flatly
stated that she wanted to call the campus police and file charges for
assault, and that she wanted to move out of the room immediately. The
anger from being mistreated an entire semester suddenly exploded. Ruthie
shouted:
�I want this bitch arrested! I�ve had it with her! I�ve had it with her
shit! She hit me and I want her in jail!�
Crystal told Ruthie to calm down, or else she�d be written up as well.
She realized that the simmering crisis between the two roommates had
exploded and there was no way there was going to be any quiet
resolution. Anyhow, the RA had been looking for a good reason to
formally reprimand Shannon: obviously hitting her roommate was about as
good a reason as she could get.
The fight quickly got worse when Shannon�s friends came out of their
rooms and took her side against Ruthie and the RA. They insulted Ruthie
and berated Crystal for forcing Shannon to put up with such a creep all
semester. Crystal realized that she had just set herself up against an
entire clique of floor residents, but fortunately once she took a
position, she stuck with it. She told everyone that the fight between
Ruthie and Shannon had nothing to do with them, and they had no business
coming out into the hallway just to threaten her and insult Ruthie. When
Shannon�s friends refused to go back to their rooms, Crystal held out
her clipboard and started writing down names.
�That�s fine! I�ll just write all of you up! If you think I�m gonna take
any shit, you are wrong!�
Shannon�s friends knew better than to openly confront the RA, so they
retreated to one of their rooms. It was clear that Shannon was furious
when they left her, but it didn�t matter because she would get even with
Ruthie the moment the RA was out of sight. Ruthie realized that as well.
She asked Crystal for permission to get her cell phone.
�Why?�
�I�m calling my boyfriend. I�m getting my stuff out of that room!�
�You can�t. The semester�s not over.�
�Crystal, I don�t feel safe in that room anymore! I�m getting out! I
can�t deal with Shannon! If I have to sleep in the Geology building
that�s fine, but I�m moving out�now!�
Crystal had to make a quick decision, whether or not Ruthie was
�authorized� to move out of her room. She had been warned against
allowing students to change rooms for fear that would set a precedent
and undermine the dorm�s assignments. However, both the RA and the
university could face legal action if she forced Ruthie back into that
room with Shannon and she got beat up. She decided it would be better to
let the resident take out her stuff. She called the dorm director, and
when he did not pick up, she made another snap decision, to let her
resident take a vacant room on the building�s top floor.
�Get your boyfriend then. Room 508 doesn�t have anyone in it right now.
You can take your stuff up there and sleep there tonight.�
When she saw the happy look in Ruthie�s eyes, the RA added:
�Don�t get too excited. You�re not changing to that room. I�m just gonna
separate you two so we don�t have any more problems tonight. We�ll
probably have to move you again tomorrow.�
----------
A few minutes later Mike, Ruthie, and the RA went to the room to take
out Ruthie�s things and move them upstairs. Shannon and her boyfriend
also were there, and had Crystal not been present with her clipboard, it
was clear that the four students would have battled it out in the room.
Crystal rolled her eyes at the level of hatred that existed between
Shannon and Ruthie, but she could see both of their points. It was true
that Shannon had treated Ruthie atrociously, but it also was true that
Ruthie tended to get on people�s nerves�that there was something about
her personality that was extremely irritating. Anyhow, the RA�s problem
was with Shannon, not Ruthie, because Shannon was so disruptive.
Hopefully this would be Crystal�s chance to get her kicked out of the
dorm and set an example for her friends, so she had every intention of
playing up the fact that the resident had hit her roommate, and that
Ruthie (quite rightly) felt in danger as a result.
Shannon�s boyfriend glared at Mike. He was bigger than Mike and it was
very likely could beat him up with no problem, but Mike had one thing to
his advantage�his ticketing machine. There was no question that while on
duty for the Parking Department he would seek out the cars of both
Shannon and her boyfriend. Whenever he found their vehicles, he would
issue tickets if there was even a hint of a parking infraction.
Ruthie had all of her possessions piled outside the room within a
few minutes. The RA brought a pushcart that the students loaded. Ruthie
insisted on taking everything in a single trip, so they overloaded the
cart before moving it to the elevator. And that was that�Ruthie and
Shannon no longer were roommates.
----------
Room 508 had been vacant for several weeks. There were two beds with no
sheets or blankets and the furniture was pushed out of place and the
surfaces were dusty. However, for Ruthie the room was a wish come true,
a space that she could have to herself, even if it was just for one
night. She happily piled her clothes on top of a dresser and tossed a
sheet over one of the beds. That was enough for her; there was no need
to organize her things if she was only going to be in the room for a
single night.
Mike clearly wanted to stay with her and �help her get set up� or invite
her back to his room. However, she still was in a strange mood and her
desire to be alone was stronger than ever. For the first time since the
semester began, she was in �her� space: a room that she would not have
to share with anyone, even if it was for just 24 hours. She hugged Mike
thanked him for helping her move her stuff, but she also made it clear
that she planned to spend her night alone.
Ruthie took off her clothes and looked out the door. The top floor was
much smaller than the building�s four lower floors and only had a total
of eight dorm rooms. There were two unisex bathrooms at the end of the
hall, each only big enough for one person at a time. Perfect�the floor
was what Ruthie had wanted all along: it was quiet and small.
Oh it would be so nice if she could somehow keep room 508�for herself.
The area seemed completely deserted. If the floor had any other
residents, they had not yet come back from Thanksgiving break. Ruthie
left her new room and walked naked down the hallway to use one of the
bathrooms. She returned to pick up her towel and toothbrush. Still
totally nude, she walked the short distance a second time to the
bathroom to get cleaned up. This was totally great, she could run around
in the nude and not have to worry about Shannon, Crystal, or anyone else
hassling her and ordering her to get dressed.
Ruthie returned to her room and for a long time sat in the darkness
staring out the window. She felt melancholy, but her melancholy was more
peaceful than sad. She was hugely relieved that she managed to get away
from Shannon. She also was very happy about not having to deal with Mike
at the moment. She cared for him and was enormously grateful for
everything he had done for her, but she didn�t like having to depend on
him so much. If she could just have her own room, she�d be a lot more
independent of him and could see him when she wanted, not when
circumstances forced her to. She realized that Dr. Hartman was right
about her situation; that she needed not to be so dependent on Mike.
Ruthie�s memories returned to her mother�s apartment and her �me time�.
Ever since she had entered college she had not had the chance to have
any �me time� because she was so fearful Shannon might show up at any
moment when she was in her own room, and because she did not feel
comfortable having �me time� in Mike�s room. However, for the first time
in three months she was in her space, and she could do whatever she
wanted.
She looked at herself in the mirror�just like she used to do at her
mother�s apartment. Ruthie never tired of studying her own body. She ran
her hands over her breasts, but then began massaging her bottom. It felt
so good�and yet�when Mike touched her�she didn�t feel anything at all.
She quit thinking about her boyfriend. Right now he didn�t matter.
Ruthie needed to concentrate�just enjoy herself�
She took out her digital camera from her backpack and set the delayed
focus. She modeled for a couple of pictures�to add to the hundreds she
already had stored on the card. Her eyes rested on the backpack that
still contained the bathbrush. She thought about spanking herself�but
figured that was one thing better not to do, because if anyone else was
on the floor the swats would be heard and it would be clear to anyone
listening what they were. Still�at some point�when she could find a spot
where no one would hear�she�d have to see about giving herself a nice
spanking. She hadn�t done it for three years, but now that strange urge
had returned. She had no desire to give herself the hardcore punishments
she gave herself after her 15th birthday, but something more
moderate�maybe 50 good swats. Even the thought of that made her excited.
She looked at the pictures she had taken three years before�she looked
so sexy with her bottom nice and red. She held the viewer of the camera
and started masturbating�her bare bottom�unmarked and deep red�so
sexy�oh yes�
She set the camera down to concentrate on herself�she teased
herself�tormented herself�she wanted that orgasm so bad�but she was
forcing herself to wait. The longer she waited and the more desperate
she became�the better it would be in the end.
Ruthie fantasized about having a twin sister�a girl who looked just like
her�with whom she could have shared her body�every night would be a
naked slumber party, with lots of touching and photographs�and they
would wager with each other�who had to submit to the hairbrush�the
spankings would be long and hard�there would be crying�but a lot of love
in the end�
Finally Ruthie climaxed�oh it was so good�Ohhhhhhhh�
A few minutes later, reeking of orgasm, she snuck into the short hallway
and went into one of the bathrooms to clean up. She then was about to
return to her room when she noticed there was a door next to the
entrance of the stairwell. Curious to see what was behind it, she opened
it and discovered it led outside, to the roof of the 4th floor. She made
sure the door handle was locked in the �open� position, and stepped
outside into the chilly air. The cold November breeze punished her bare
skin, but she enjoyed the feeling of total exposure. She also enjoyed
the daring feeling of standing naked on a roof in full sight of the
entire campus, but not being seen herself because it was so dark on the
roof. Her body was covered with goose-bumps and she was shivering, but
she managed to stay outside for nearly 30 minutes. Finally she couldn�t
take the cold anymore and went back inside�but the experience had been a
real rush for her.
Compared to the chilly air outside, her temporary room felt warm, almost
hot. She lay down on her bed and without bothering to cover herself,
fell asleep.
----------
Ruthie resumed her normal routine the following day: getting up at 4:30
and dealing with a cold dark predawn walk to the Student Center, serving
coffee from 7:00 until 11:00, eating lunch with Mike, going to the
literature class with him, and finally going to her other classes. She
dreaded what was coming later in the afternoon, because Crystal had told
her that they needed to meet with the dorm director at 4:00.
The director was not nearly as sympathetic to Ruthie as her RA had been.
He blamed her for not getting along with other people and commented that
her �personality issue� was something she needed to address or else it
would hinder her throughout her life. It was clear that he did not want
to pursue any action against Shannon because of the hassle that would
entail for him. Ruthie could see that Crystal was clearly disappointed.
Ruthie was furious.
�You mean even though she hit me, you�re not gonna press charges?�
�Ruthie, we don�t know what actually happened between you two, and
there�s no evidence to go on except your word. Shannon has her side of
the story too, so really as things stand now it�s just your word against
hers. From what I see, neither of you displayed any tolerance for each
other. It was a simple failure to communicate.�
Ruthie was about to object when the director put up his hand and added:
�I�m just not interested in having problems in my dorm.� The dorm
director then sat back and tapped his fingers together.
�Ruthie, I�m going to make you an offer. You�ve already requested a
change in roommates, which is something Shannon has requested too. I
think the best thing for us to do�would be leave you in room 508 for the
rest of the semester and assign you a new roommate in January. So�I�ll
just leave you on the fifth floor are for the time being. Will that be
satisfactory?�
Ruthie was torn emotionally. The offer of the room was a bribe to shut
her up. She was grateful that she was not going to be moved off the 5th
floor, but furious that Shannon was not going to be prosecuted for
hitting her. She would get room 508, but the cost of the bargain was
that nothing would happen to her nemesis.
Ruthie did accept the dorm director�s offer. He had insinuated that her
only alternative would be to return to living with Shannon. Anyhow, no
matter what, the university would refuse to take any legal action
against Shannon because �what happened between you is just your word
against hers, and we can�t prosecute if there�s no evidence�.
Crystal was furious with her boss, because the bargain would leave
Shannon as a resident on her floor and probably more uncontrollable than
ever. As much as she wanted to get rid of Shannon, it was obvious she
was stuck with her. Ruthie felt bad for the RA, but there was nothing
she could do to help her.
----------
The relationship between Mike and Ruthie began to change once Ruthie had
a room to herself. Now that she had her own space and no longer was at
the mercy of Shannon, she did not need to use his room as a place to
hide out and study. She did not move her computer, simply because she
anticipated having to move it again in January and saw no point going
through the hassle. However, she began moving her books, not all at
once, but by loading her backpack in Mike�s room when she had to go to
class, and then unloading the bag in her new room when she got back in
the evening. Over the next couple of days she thus reduced and finally
eliminated the stack of books she had kept on Todd�s former desk.
The change was not fast enough or drastic enough for Mike to worry too
much, but he did notice his girlfriend spending less time with him now
that Shannon no longer was forcing her into his arms. The nights of her
sleeping over came to an end, although in the evenings she still visited
to work on her term papers and surf the Internet.
As the first week following Thanksgiving passed, Ruthie�s mind adapted
to the reality that she had a lot more privacy. Not only did she have a
room to herself, it also turned out that only two other rooms on the 5th
floor were occupied, by graduate students who very rarely were in the
hall. Besides the bathrooms, the only other room on the floor was a
conference room that always was locked. Very quickly she got used to
walking naked in the hallway when she wanted to go to the bathroom. Only
once did one of the graduate students run into her. She blushed and
apologized, but the guy simply smiled at her and commented:
�Cute outfit.�
She took that to mean that he didn�t mind seeing her.
----------
On Wednesday Ruthie returned to the counseling office. Two weeks had
gone by since she had seen Dr. Hartman, which meant that she had a lot
to tell her. The counselor was relieved to know that her client had
safely extricated herself from her situation with Shannon, and that as a
result she was less dependent on Mike.
Obviously the main focus of the conversation was the Mega-Mart stampede
and Ruthie�s conflicting feelings about what had happened. There was a
lot more that Ruthie wanted to talk about: the memories that going back
to her room had brought back, the situations of her cousins Rosa,
Gerardo, and Alex, and just how alienated she felt from the town where
her family lived. Her four days in Salinas did nothing to make her feel
any more at home there.
----------
There were only two weeks remaining in the semester of regular classes
and another week of finals. Mike and Ruthie spent most of there time
preparing term papers and studying for tests, apart from the hours they
spent at their jobs. They ate together and sometimes went to the Student
Center, but their trips to places like the beaches or Santa Cruz had to
be suspended because neither had any time. They were fortunate, however,
that they did not have to worry about being lonely, because they did
have each other.
Mike expected the spring semester to not be much different from the fall
semester, given that his father�s mortgages were paying his tuition and
his job was paying for his living expenses. However, Ruthie lived in
constant fear�worrying about the latest bad news coming out of
Sacramento. Coming into the university, she knew that the grants she had
received were precarious, something Mike�s father had mentioned as well.
She had not given much thought about the spring semester, thinking that
whatever budget cuts that would end her aid would not be announced until
the summer.
On the final day of classes, Ruthie�s life was disrupted by a thick
envelope that had been sent to her from Nebraska. The return address
read:
Jake Burns
388 Stockman Trail
Lincoln, Nebraska
Ruthie�s hands trembled as she opened the envelope. It was the first
time she had any contact with her father in six years.
The envelope contained several items. The first thing Ruthie pulled out
was an opened letter from the California Department of Education. The
letter had been addressed to her home in Salinas and was dated October
22, but it was the very first time Ruthie had seen it. Strange�why would
she be getting it from her father and not simply have it forwarded by
her mother? Ruthie read:
Ms. Burns:
We regret to inform you that due to the financial crisis that continues
to restrict funding for higher education, the Salinas Valley Scholarship
Program has been suspended and tuition assistance for the program�s
participants will terminated as of January 1 of the upcoming year.
Our records show that your participation in the Salinas Valley
Scholarship Program for the current academic year is as follows:
Fall semester: tuition = $ 5,773.34
Fall semester: books = $ 300.00
Spring semester: tuition = $ 0.00
Spring semester: books = $ 200.00
During the spring semester you will need to make alternative
arrangements to finance your tuition expenses to attend classes at
Davenport State University.
The California Department of Education regrets any disruption this
action might have on your academic career, but the ongoing loss of tax
revenue has forced the California State Legislature to severely reduce
spending on all state programs, including higher education and grants
for students.
Ruthie was left breathless. She felt nauseous and was very close to
throwing up. She dug in the package and pulled out a second envelope
that was blank, except her name. The envelope contained a check for $
5,773.34 signed by her father. The check was wrapped in a letter that
read:
Ruthie:
It�s been a while since we talked. I know you�re still mad at me, and
you have your reasons. I�m hoping I can make it up to you.
I tried to get in touch with you a couple of months ago, but you were in
Davenport. Your mom and me talked, and she sent me this letter from the
university and asked me to help you, so that�s what I�m doing. Hopefully
this check will fix your problem.
I want to see you, and have you come back to Lincoln to visit for a few
days. Debra is gone from my life, so you don�t have any reason to stay
away. I�ve sent you a plane ticket. If the dates don�t work for you, you
can change them, but I do want to see you. I talked to your mom about
it, and she said she understands and will let you come out.
Dad
The package also contained a round-trip airplane ticket from San Jose to
Lincoln and back. The dates were for December 26 through January 2.
Ruthie calculated that timeframe was doable, given that she would not
have to skip Christmas in Salinas. The final item in that package was a
picture of her father, her grandmother, and Ruthie when she was ten. Her
hands were still trembling as she looked at the photo. She remembered it
had been taken just a couple of months before her grandmother really got
sick.
Ruthie laid out everything that her father had sent her on the room�s
spare bed. She wasn�t sure how to react. Her heart filled with
resentment, because she really did not want to see her father again, but
her situation gave her no choice. She�d have to accept the check,
deposit it, and use it to pay the university. She had to continue with
her studies, because her only alternative was to return to Salinas and
sit in her room doing nothing. Her father knew that. He knew that there
was one way he could force her to see him, and that was by giving her
the money she needed to stay in college.
Ruthie�s thoughts drifted to her mother. She realized that perhaps Do�a
Lisette knew her better than she realized; which was why she forwarded
the scholarship cancellation letter to her ex-husband instead of to her
daughter. There was nothing Ruthie could have done about her
scholarship, but there was something Jake could do about it. OK Jake�you
want to see Ruthie so bad? Then you fix this problem for her.
Ruthie knew how hard all of this must have been for her mother. Over the
years the girl heard enough hints to understand that Jake and his family
had treated her badly during her stay in Nebraska. To keep Ruthie in
college and out of Salinas, Do�a Lisette had to sacrifice her own pride
and ask her ex-husband for a favor. Ruthie knew her mother well enough
to know asking her father for help was a huge humiliation, but one she
was willing to accept for her daughter�s sake.
----------
The only thing Ruthie could think of was to call Mike and ask him to
come over. Mike, who had not yet seen his girlfriend�s new room, was
more than happy to oblige. When he knocked, she simply told him to come
in. She was sitting quietly on her bed, wearing nothing but one of her
Mega-Town t-shirts, staring blankly at the papers in front of her. Mike
looked at her and then at the papers. She nodded for him to examine
them.
�I�I don�t know what to think of all this�I�guess it kinda sucks��
�This check�s supposed to pay for your spring tuition?�
Ruthie nodded.
�I mean�you ought to be relieved. It�s great that your dad�s gonna pay��
Ruthie nodded again.
Mike, only vaguely aware of the bad memories and emotional turmoil
swirling through Ruthie�s brain, was worried about the check more than
anything else�getting it cashed and turning the money over to the
university so she could stay enrolled. He nagged at her to get up, put
on her shorts, and go to the campus bank before it closed. She
listlessly complied, following him first to the campus bank branch to
get a cashier�s check, then to the registration office to turn the funds
over to the university. He was hugely relieved when the clerk handed
Ruthie a receipt stating that she was paid up for the spring semester,
but she seemed indifferent about it.
�Now I�m stuck having to see him.� Ruthie mumbled.
�Your dad?�
�Yeah.� She paused. Without looking up, she continued: �I kinda was
hoping I wouldn�t have to see him again.�
�Well�I mean�was what he did to you really that bad? I mean�did he do
something he shouldn�t have done to you?�
Ruthie realized what Mike was getting at. �No�nothing like that�I
mean�what happened was that he kicked me out. Just kicked me out. He
stuck me on a plane and told me to get the hell out of Nebraska and
never come back. I was 12�and I was kinda fucked up anyway�and me
getting kicked out like that fucked me up even more��
�So�why�d he kick you out?�
Ruthie took a deep breath and decided to start the story at the
beginning.
�You know that my parents split up when I was three�� (actually, Mike
did not know that, but he nodded) �My mom had to come back here to
California �cause she couldn�t get a job in Nebraska and there was
nothing for her to do. So she just up and left and came here. I�m not
sure why she left me behind with my dad�she never explained that to me
and I�ve been afraid to ask. But anyhow�it was my dad�s mom who raised
me�kinda like she was my mom�She was really nice to me�I had a lot of
fun�you know�when I was a little kid�and I didn�t see all that much of
my dad��cause he was always going out with his friends�out on his
bike�stuff like that�so I was always with my grandma�and she was the one
who did stuff like take me to school��
�Anyhow�when I was nine�my grandma started getting sick�you know�with
cancer�and she kept going in and out of the hospital. It was not bad for
a year�but then she really got bad�she�d be like�crying�because she knew
she wasn�t gonna be around much longer and later on I realized she was
worried about me �cause she knew my dad wouldn�t bother to take care of
me�and she was right, �cause he didn�t.�
�It sucked�really sucked, what happened to her�what those fucking
doctors did to her just so they could clean out her insurance. They kept
cutting stuff off of her�her tits, stuff out of her stomach, a foot, and
then one of her arms�it was like watching a horror movie, but it was
real. I hate doctors �cause of what they did to Grandma. I hate �em
all�fucking money suckers. I mean�it got so bad�watching her�that I knew
she�d be better off dead�I�d go to the hospital�and we�d talk�and I�d
see her with all that shit sticking out of her��
Ruthie looked up at Mike, remembering his father�s efforts to show them
around the neighborhood. A very strange thing happened at that
moment�Mike imagined that Ruthie looked much older than her real
age�that somehow her past had caught up with her�making it very easy for
him to imagine what she would look like forty years into the future. She
looked away and continued her story:
�My grandma tried to talk to me as much as she could towards the end.
She wanted to tell me all the stuff she had been planning to tell me
when I was gonna be in high school�everything�but she wanted me to know
what her life was like when she was my age. She always was saying �you
gotta remember what I�m telling you�because if you forget, then it�s
gone�you�re the only one who knows�� And she�d talk�and she talked so
good that I could picture myself being with her�a long time ago��
�After I turned eleven she started getting worse and worse�and then she
got all crazy and I couldn�t talk to her anymore. Well, sometimes I
could�she�d suddenly get sane for a few minutes and would ask for me�and
then she�d talk�and then go crazy again�so I stayed at the hospital as
much as I could�so I�d be there when she wanted to talk�Those fucking
doctors kept cutting stuff out of her�keeping her going�and she wanted
to die�but they wouldn�t let her. The last month there wasn�t anything
left of her�but I still kept going to her room�hoping that she�d say
something more. She did a couple of times�but then she went into a
coma�and I wanted her to die or get better�and finally she did die�She
was dead�in the middle of the night, and I held her hand�and it was all
cold and almost didn�t weigh anything.�
It was dark by the time Ruthie finished that part of her story, which
was lucky because tears were flowing down her face.
�You gotta understand that she was the only person who really loved
me�and could show it. I mean�my mom tries�but for her it�s hard�to
express herself if she�s not talking about her Jesus shit�and I�ve never
been able to relate to her��
�So your dad kicked you out when your grandma died?�
�No�not exactly. But I was totally pissy after the funeral and I sorta
blamed him for not being around when she was in the hospital and that
got him mad at me. What I didn�t know, until Grandma was dead, was that
he had been going out and was getting ready to get married to Debra and
I was gonna have to deal with having a step-mom�and she didn�t like me
at all. I didn�t want my dad to get married, �cause I was scared of
having to live with an adult I wouldn�t get along with�and Debra didn�t
make things any easier when she kept saying things to him like �that kid
needs quality time with the belt�, and she�d say it so I�d hear and then
look at me�and on top of everything else she had another kid from
another marriage�and the thought of living with not just her, but her
son�so finally I told my dad that he shouldn�t get married to that
bitch, and I said it like that�I called her a bitch. We had some fights
about it, and then I tried running away�but I didn�t get very far. I
went to a friend�s house and her dad found me there and brought me back.
Finally I said that if he wanted to get married, I�d just go look for my
mom in Salinas�and that was a dumb thing for me to say, �cause it gave
him the idea of how to get rid of me. He didn�t say anything, but two
days later he came up to my room and threw a suitcase on my bed. �Pack
your shit. You�ve got an hour to get ready and then I�m taking you to
the airport.� I was like: �what?� So he told me��you wanna live with
your mom? Great. You�re gonna go live with her.� I thought he was
kidding, but he wasn�t. He was totally pissed at me. When the hour went
by and I still hadn�t packed, he just emptied a couple of drawers of my
clothes into the suitcase and told me to get in the car. He gave me this
lecture saying he wasn�t gonna take shit from a 12-year old spoiled brat
and that since I wanted to give him attitude I could �go live with the
Mexicans�, as he put it.�
Mike was floored that Ruthie�s father could have done that to her. But,
as she pointed out, her dad was in love and love makes a person do
strange things, even if it involves hurting family members. She noted:
�There was this one woman I heard about�a long time ago�she drowned her
two kids in a car just �cause her new boyfriend didn�t like kids�two
little kids�she put them into her car and ran it into a lake�just to
make her boyfriend happy.�
�Yeah�I think I heard about that.�
�So you really think that what my dad did to me was all that weird? I
mean�when you think about it�all he did was stick me on a plane.�
�Yeah�but even so�to do that to your kid�I couldn�t even picture my dad
doing that to either of us. I mean�he�d give up his life if he had to�or
anything else�to protect us.�
Ruthie sniffed back some more tears.
�I guess things were different with my dad�I dunno�I guess I kinda made
things hard for him and he couldn�t handle it.� After a long pause she
added: �Anyhow, my mom was glad to see me�I mean like�really
glad�talking about how Jesus brought me back to her and all that shit��
Mike thought about Ruthie�s situation�realizing how lucky he had been to
have parents that he had.
�So now, after all that�and six years�your dad finally wants to see you?
Any idea why?�
�I �spose he feels bad about what happened between us. He wrote that
�Debra is gone from his life�. I �spose that means he must have split up
with her. Maybe he�s guilt-tripped�or maybe just kinda lonely�I don�t
know��
They got back to his room. For once she had no desire to go back to her
room or to be alone. He sat down in his armchair and Ruthie sat in his
lap. She was crying and totally stressed as the unpleasant memories from
six and seven years before forced themselves into her thoughts. She had
wanted to think that part of her life was over, but clearly it wasn�t.
Now she had two things to dread about Christmas: saying goodbye to Rosa
and having to deal with her father.
