Back to Chapter 08
Chapter 9 - Two conversations
The following morning, to the surprise of everyone in the English
literature course, �Mr. Know-it-all� sat next to the girl who had pinned
him with that nick-name. Of course, the rest of the class and the
professor had no way of knowing what had happened between Mike and
Ruthie over the weekend and had incorrectly assumed that the two
students bitterly disliked each other. Strange�it turned out that was
not the case at all. From their initial argument the couple realized
that had a lot in common and each could find friendship in the other.
Not only did they sit together in class, but they also ignored the other
students and left together when the session ended.
During their second week together, Mike and Ruthie ate together in the
cafeteria whenever possible. The only times she did not eat with Mike
were the days she had class right after work and there was no time to
sit down for lunch. On those days she continued to stash fruit in her
backpack for the afternoon, but she did that considerably less now that
she knew she had someone to sit with at dinner. Her days of trying to
avoid the cafeteria had ended. Quite to the contrary, she wanted people
to see her, just to show everyone: �see? Now I have someone to eat with
too�so screw all of you!�
For Ruthie having a companion at the dining table was a real treat, a
break from the humiliation she had endured over the past month of being
cold-shouldered by the other students and forced to eat alone. For Mike
the situation was more complicated. He did have people with whom he
normally ate: his political friends and a couple of co-workers from the
Parking Department. On the days Ruthie had to grab her fruit and run he
could still hang out with his friends, but for the other meals there was
no question that she took priority over everyone else. There were a few
times he invited her to eat with his group, but it was clear that she
was uncomfortable trying to make small talk with people she did not
really know.
Over the next several days Mike had to figure out how to strike a
balance between not offending his friends and giving priority to
his�girlfriend�if that�s what she was. He wasn�t sure about that part
yet. It was obvious that in her own way she deeply cared for him: that
she was glad to see him whenever they met up, happy whenever she was
with him, and never eager to say goodbye. As for his friends, he never
actually told them that Ruthie was his girlfriend, but instead left them
to make their own assumptions about the relationship.
Certainly from his end, the feelings of love and sexual desire were very
strong, apart from his desire for having a close friend. Having her
scantly-clad body in his arms or close by was a huge temptation for him.
He badly wanted her. He suspected that sex would have to wait, but at
least he wanted to establish that she was indeed his girlfriend by
kissing her or holding her hand when they walked. She clearly did enjoy
hugging him and having his arms around her, and yet�she never gave him
any hint whatsoever she wanted him to go any further than that. Mike was
not one to push with physical contact, because he was afraid of �blowing
it� with Ruthie if he was overly insistent. He also was well-aware that
he had no first-hand knowledge about how to seduce a woman, given that
with Lisa things had just come naturally and at a very early age. He
understood that his first relationship was unique and the experience
would give him very little guidance for handling Ruthie.
Ruthie�s attraction to Mike was growing as well. Now that she had
someone in her life with whom she could confide, she wanted to be with
him whenever possible. During the afternoons she did not have class,
she�d accompany him to lot Econ-A when he went there to ticket. She
continued to study by herself in her �private spot� while he ran his
machine, but the point was for her to be close to him. At the end of the
afternoon she followed him back to the Parking Department Office, went
with him to dinner, and then accompanied him to the library to study. In
the library she was quiet and absorbed in her reading, but on the way
there and back she was happy to chatter away about rock formations,
evolution, and paleontology, often citing recent discoveries about
things such as Chinese dinosaurs or Cambrian-era soft-bodied marine
organisms. She would talk about Latin American authors when she was not
talking about ancient life. Little by little Mike coaxed her to talk
more about herself, especially about her family members in Culiacan and
the Mexican portion of her background.
From the beginning Mike knew that his relationship with Ruthie was not
�typical�. Her feelings towards him were different from what a person
normally would feel for either a boyfriend or a close friend. The best
way to describe Ruthie�s emotions towards her companion would be very
intense affection. In her own way she did love him and felt uneasy when
she was not with him. She would have been extremely jealous and hurt had
she seen him with another woman. However, that affection was not the
same as romantic love, which was why she wanted him to hold her but
would have been nervous about him trying to kiss her. By the end of
their second week together she felt that she and Mike belonged to each
other, and yet she still would have felt uncomfortable defining her role
in his life as his �girlfriend�.
----------
On Tuesday Todd�s mother, along with the dorm director and the RA from
Mike�s floor, showed up to pick up his possessions. The RA pulled down
the police tape and helped the woman box up her son�s things. Mike would
have helped had he been asked, but Todd�s mother gave him several very
hostile looks, as though she blamed him for having a hand in her son�s
suicide.
Of course, Mike had nothing to do with Todd�s problems, which actually
had begun the year before he entered college. However, at the same time
it was evident that he had stayed out of his roommate�s life and had not
done anything to intervene in his suicide. If anyone had expected Mike
to �talk to� Todd, or in some other way provide him with emotional
support, in that he most definitely had failed.
Finally Mike decided the best thing for him to do would be to get out of
the room and wait until Todd�s mother was off-campus before returning.
He excused himself and went to work. As usual, he went to his favorite
�pay dirt� spot in lot Econ-A, carrying his machine and 400 ticket
envelopes in his backpack. By the middle of his second week ticketing
the lot, conditions there were changing. Only half of the meters now
were occupied by student vehicles, and of those, about half were paying.
The remaining spaces remained open for visitors, which was the original
intention for having all those meters in Econ-A. So now Mike was writing
tickets for only 100 unpaid meters, not 400. However, he still continued
to average between 300 and 350 tickets per shift, because he could write
a ticket on any car parked at an unpaid meter every 61 minutes. Now that
there were fewer violators, Mike could write multiple tickets on the
ones who remained. Those tickets very quickly would add up. The real fun
would happen in another month, because any student who owed more than $
250 in unpaid tickets for more than 30 days could have his car towed and
impounded. Already he was starting to figure out who his most likely
victims would be. He also paid special attention to the car of anyone
who had insulted him.
----------
Ruthie showed up at 4:30 and sat down on her usual spot in the grass to
wait for her friend to finish his shift. On their way back to the
cafeteria Mike mentioned that his roommate�s things had been taken out
and that at least for the rest of the semester, he would have the room
to himself. By that time he felt that he knew Ruthie well enough to
confide something cynical that he planned to do. The university had
offered him several sessions of grief counseling. Mike was not grieving
over Todd whatsoever, but he planned to take advantage of the offer to
let the counselor know that during the spring semester he would not be
�emotionally ready� to have another roommate. That was total bull,
because Todd�s death barely affected him but, as he put it, �that�s not
something the university needs to know�. Ruthie smiled, responding that
if anything were to happen to Shannon, she would openly celebrate and
put up party decorations to let everyone know that she was elated that
super-bitch was dead.
As usual, they had dinner together in the cafeteria, but then they
decided to return to the Student Center, because the university was
having a festival of �cult� movies from the 1960�s and 1970�s. Among the
movies were titles such as �Eraserhead�, �Dr. Strangelove�,
�Slaughterhouse Five�, �A Boy and his Dog�, and �Zardoz�. Mike had been
curious to see �Slaughterhouse Five�, but Ruthie opted for �Zardoz�,
based solely on the fact she liked the poster for that movie better than
any of the others.
Mike and Ruthie left the auditorium with totally different reactions to
�Zardoz�. Mike commented that it was one of the most depressing movies
he had ever seen. Ruthie totally loved it.
�What�s there to be depressed about? That movie�s simply telling it like
it is.�
�Telling it like it is? Floating heads and everyone�s starving to death
and guys on horses running around shooting everyone else? I didn�t see
the point of any of that�just a bunch of gratuitous killing for no
reason. To be honest, I was disappointed that Sean Connery could have
gotten himself mixed up in that crap.�
Ruthie stopped in her tracks and forced Mike to turn around and look at
her.
�That movie shows exactly what the future�s gonna be. We�re gonna end up
just like that! There�s gonna be most people starving to death in the
ruins of our civilization, a few gang members running around killing
everyone else, and the rich people holed up somewhere, thinking that
they�re safe, but really just waiting to die like everyone else. That�ll
be the future! I thought it was great, �cause it told the truth!�
Mike was surprised by Ruthie�s vehement defense of a movie that he
hated. He really should not have been so astonished, because the message
of �Zardoz� fit perfectly with her world view. She explained that she
was convinced that humans, as a species, were doomed to extinction in
the near future because the conditions needed to sustain such a large
population no longer existed on the planet. The laws of nature that
controlled all other species that had experienced population explosions
in the past also applied to humans. Those natural processes that had
doomed every other organism, from trilobites to dinosaurs to passenger
pigeons, would doom humans as well. The only real difference was that
humans were probably unique in being aware of their own existence, and
thus would be aware of the extinction as it was taking place. But, as
she put it:
�Just �cause we�re aware of a natural phenomenon doesn�t mean we can
stop it from happening. When the end comes, some people will pray to
God, some will be smoking whatever meth is left over, some will be going
out like those Zardoz guys and killing everyone else�but none of it�ll
matter. In the end we�ll all be dead because the planet can�t sustain
us.�
Mike tried to think of a response to Ruthie�s bleak view of the future.
He was aware of the problems that some humans were causing others, but
his education and experiences had convinced him that the big social and
economic problems ultimately could be resolved with the right form of
human organization, i.e. a government willing and capable of controlling
the worst excesses of human behavior. The key was setting up a society
that could effectively thwart humans� disposition towards greed,
avarice, and violence. Whether it was gang members or Mega-Town
executives, it wouldn�t take all that much for a new social awareness to
force a reorganization of the US government that would bring the worst
members of its society under control.
Ruthie countered that it was far too late for any such �reawakening� to
have any effect. For one thing, already there were too many people on
the planet and the world had run out of resources that would be needed
to provide everyone with a decent life. Even something as fundamental as
living space simply did not exist. No social or political reorganization
could change that reality, unless a large portion of the population
could somehow be eliminated. Second, the most destructive groups of
humans, whether they were Mega-Town executives or drug traffickers from
Sinaloa, already had amassed too much power and wealth and were
invincible. The only political change would be coming from corporate
CEO�s and mafia leaders, not from the idealists in which Mike placed his
hopes.
Mike was aghast at his friend�s hopeless outlook, but he was unable to
come up with arguments to counter much of what she was saying. The
conversation depressed him even more than the movie, partly because he
knew she was right. At that moment he could perfectly understand why
very few people could tolerate being around her, because even if a
person got past her shyness and was able to converse with her, at times
to talk to Ruthie Burns forced one to see how truly hopeless life really
was. There were no illusions for her, nothing to give her any hope for
the future. Most people couldn�t handle facing that reality.
----------
Wednesday afternoon Ruthie had her second session with her Dr. Hartman.
She was in a much better mood than she had been the previous week, but
she wanted to talk about �Zardoz� and how the movie supported her
conviction that humans would be extinct within another generation or so.
Of course, Hartman was much more interested in knowing what was going on
with Mike, because ultimately that relationship would be a much more
important influence on her client�s state of mind than a movie that was
35 years old. However, the counselor figured that it would be safe just
to let her talk, since apparently there was no imminent threat of
suicide.
When Ruthie left, Hartman made some notes about the conversation and put
away her case file. She sat down for a moment to clear her head for the
next client. She rubbed her temples with her fingertips and whispered to
herself:
�Jeesh, that girl�s depressing.�
----------
In spite the fact indeed she was so depressing to talk to at times,
there was no way that Mike would consider giving up on his relationship
with Ruthie. She was the one woman who had paid attention to him all
year, so it was not as though he had all that much to choose from. He
reasoned that many of her pessimistic attitudes were likely to be
tempered once she had some positive experiences to counter the negative
ones she had endured up to the point they became friends. Furthermore,
although Ruthie had such a dark outlook on life, she was intelligent,
truthful, and had a way of perceiving things that often forced Mike to
look at his own experiences in a different light.
The night after their discussion of the merits of �Zardoz�, Mike and
Ruthie had their first in depth conversation about their lives in high
school. Ruthie went on and on about various books she read, and to a
lesser extent talked about her cousins. Her uncle (on her mother�s side)
had immigrated to Salinas 20 years before and had worked in construction
until the recession of 2000-2001. He managed to get a job at a large
hardware store and since then had worked his way up to being the
supervisor of the lumber department. He and his wife had four children:
a boy called Gerardo, two girls called Rosa and Susy, and another boy
called Alex. Rosa, the oldest daughter, was the one who Ruthie knew the
best because they were the same age.
Ruthie�s uncle, aunt, and cousins were Catholic, which caused problems
between them and Ruthie�s mother, who had been taught that the Pope was
a servant of the Anti-Christ. It also caused Ruthie�s mother to be
somewhat distrustful of the influence the cousins might have on her
daughter, but the family�s circumstances forced the girl to have more
contact with her cousins than she would have wanted. Before she changed
her work schedule, Ruthie�s mother had her stay at her cousins� house
after school, where she was able to play video games and watch TV. Once
Ruthie�s mother was able to arrange being home in the afternoons,
Ruthie�s after-school time with her cousins came to an abrupt end.
During her first year in Salinas, Ruthie was ruthlessly targeted by
bullies, both boys and girls, while she was in the eighth grade of
middle school. Once she entered high school the solution was for her
oldest cousin Gerardo to walk her to and from her classes. Just a month
after Ruthie entered the ninth grade, he broke the nose of a guy whose
girlfriend had punched her, which sent a clear message that anyone who
messed with Ruthie would have problems with Gerardo. She knew that she
was very lucky for having him to protect her, because otherwise she
probably would have had to drop out and be home-schooled.
When the conversation shifted to Mike�s time in high school, there was
no way that he could avoid talking about his relationship with Lisa,
because his social life pretty much consisted of Lisa and nothing but
Lisa. He tried to keep the details about his ex-girlfriend to a minimum,
but Ruthie pressed him for information. Finally he lost his patience and
curtly answered:
�Look. Lisa�s living in Chicago. We broke up last year. She pledged a
sorority and is dating a guy from a fraternity. The last time I ever saw
her was in December.�
��and so that�s the reason you didn�t go back to Chicago? �Cause you
broke up with Lisa?�
�That�s the reason�I mean�if you really want to know the truth, we
didn�t exactly break up. She treated me like total crap, she dumped me
last Christmas, and the guy she�s going out with now used to be one of
my friends from Chicago.�
�How�d she treat you like total crap?�
Mike could feel that he was digging himself ever deeper, but at that
point in the conversation he realized that he needed to tell Ruthie the
entire story of what had happened to him in Chicago: going there because
of the lower tuition cost, how Lisa had changed over the fall semester,
how he tried to force her to return to California to salvage the
relationship, and the grim break-up that followed a very tense
Christmas.
When he finished, Ruthie looked at him with an incredulous expression:
�Mike, I want to make sure I understand something. You filled out a
college application for Lisa without telling her what you were doing?�
�Yeah, �cause I knew when we got back here we wouldn�t have that much
time.�
�And if you weren�t telling her, how�d you get her information? How�d
you know what her grades were�and stuff like her Social Security
number?�
Mike hesitated, but finally he admitted that he had collected Lisa�s
personal information by going through her computer and notebooks when he
was in her room but she had fallen asleep. Ruthie�s face was even more
incredulous.
��and you�re telling me you had no clue why she was so pissed at you?
What gave you the right to go through her papers?�
Mike blushed and stammered: �I�I suppose I shouldn�t have done it, but
I�sort of just wanted to have everything set up and��
��then her dumping you is exactly what you deserved! I think she was
fucking nice about it! If you loved her, how could you do something like
that? She wasn�t yours! She didn�t belong to you! How could you do that
to her?�
�I was just trying to get us back home�that�s all I was doing.�
�No! You were trying to get yourself back home and get your old life
back, and force her life to fit with what you wanted for yourself! You
thought you could cancel out everything that happened to her in Chicago
so she could be with you. You can�t do that. There�s no going back. Once
things change, you can�t change them back!�
A very sick feeling swept over Mike. After 10 months, he finally had his
answer why Lisa had been so infuriated at him�the real reason. With that
desperate effort to get her out of Chicago, he was the one who had
closed the final door on their relationship. It was true; he had gone
through her personal files to collect the information he needed to fill
out the application. However well-meaning his intentions might have
been, he had violated her trust. No wonder�
----------
It was very late, but they were not yet ready to return to their dorm
rooms. Neither Mike nor Ruthie wanted to say goodnight and leave his
misstep with Lisa as the final topic of the evening�s conversation. He
suggested walking across the playing field that separated the classroom
buildings from the dorms, the same field where Ruthie had stood the week
before staring up at the stars and contemplating the futility of her
life. They walked to the edge of campus to the fence and she noticed the
gate was open. She suggested going through the entrance and checking the
path that led away from the university to the Pacific Ocean. Mike
acquiesced, but they didn�t go too far because the area off-campus was
pitch black.
Ruthie�s mood shifted. She remembered her half-hearted attempt to come
this way the previous week, with the goal of descending the hillside and
jumping into the Pacific Ocean. She realized that she never would have
made it, even had the gate been open, because it would have been too
dark for her to follow the trail. She would have torn herself up a bit
on the bushes before eventually giving up and returning to campus. What
she had tried to do was really pathetic.
To avoid the unpleasant memory of her failed suicide plan, she thought
about what else she wanted to say about Lisa, and finally came up with
another question:
�I�m wondering something. Are you totally sure that it was Chicago that
messed up things with Lisa? What would you have said had you come here
to Davenport last year and the same thing happened? Then who would you
have blamed?�
�I have no idea. I really never thought about it, �cause I always
figured it was because we left California that things between us
changed.�
�You wanna hear what I think?�
�Yeah. I�d be curious.�
�I think that you and Lisa had a really great thing going in high
school. You had a relationship that worked in a certain place and time.
Then you graduated and left. It�s kinda like an organism that evolves
for a specific set of climatic conditions and maybe over-specializes.
Then it migrates or the climate changes. The organism has to be able to
evolve again, or it goes extinct. Your relationship with Lisa was kinda
like that, �cause it went extinct when the environment changed. You
can�t blame her and you can�t really blame yourself, except for the part
about the application.�
Mike wasn�t sure what else he could add to her insight. He had not
planned for her to know all the details about his ex-girlfriend and how
they had broken up. And yet, in a way he was grateful that he had been
forced to reveal that part of his life, because she was able to give him
some honest assessment of his own actions. He had always thought of
himself as the victim in the relationship and that Lisa had treated him
horribly. For the first time, he could see things from her perspective
and was able to understand how his own actions and decisions hastened,
but probably did not cause, the break-up.
Mike realized something else. If what Ruthie was saying was true, then
Lisa was not destined to be the love of his life. The break-up was bound
to happen, no matter what, because the circumstances in high school that
drove them together vanished as soon as they crossed the stage and
picked up their diplomas. If that were true, then what good would it
have done had he not insisted on returning to California, had he never
filled out that application, and had Lisa not fought with him over
Christmas? The break-up would have been put off for a few months, but it
still would have happened. Afterwards Mike would have spent the spring
semester sulking around the dorm in Chicago, and every day he would have
been confronted with the sight of his ex-girlfriend running up and down
the halls. What actually happened was better: he stormed out of her life
and she went back to Chicago and that was the end of her. It was a clean
break, with no false hope of ever getting back together. In Chicago, he
continuously would have seen her and wondered�
There was another issue in Mike�s life that now was resolved. He had
been struggling with what to tell Ruthie about Lisa. He ended up telling
her everything that she wanted to know. That had not been his intention,
but it had happened that way because he was trying to justify his
actions by giving her details. His relationship with Lisa was more of a
skeleton in his closet than he could have suspected, but now that Ruthie
knew the entire story she could make her own judgment about his merits
as a possible partner. As he put it: �Well, for whatever it�s worth, you
know all about Lisa.�
They were quiet for a few more minutes. Mike was about to suggest they
return to campus when Ruthie commented:
�If you ever do that to me, what you did to Lisa�you know�dig through my
papers to find shit out about me�without asking�I�d never forgive you.
Never.�
�I know. It�s not something I�d do to you.�
�You gotta promise me.�
�Ruthie, I�m not gonna �promise�. Promises don�t mean anything. People
make them all the time. I�m simply telling you that I�m not gonna do it.
You�ll just have to take my word.�
Ruthie was about to object, but then she remembered a quote from the New
Testament about making promises.
�I guess�I guess you�re right. �I say to you, make no oath at all,
either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it
is the footstool of His feet, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the
great King. Nor shall you make an oath by your head, for you cannot make
one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply �Yes� or �No�; and
anything other than this comes from evil.��
Mike was surprised by the biblical quote, but he recognized it.
�Sermon on the Mount � from the Book of Matthew, if I remember right.�
�Yeah. Matthew 5:33-37. Most of what�s in there is shit, but he did say
a few things that made sense. So I�ll take your word. I�m sure your
word�s more reliable than any promise would be.�
With that, she realized that Mike had given her the most honest answer
possible.
----------
They returned to her dorm. Upon arriving at the building they noticed
that the light in Ruthie�s room was on and there were what looked like
several people in there. Ruthie was upset, but as usual she was afraid
to confront Shannon and force her to chase out her guests. She knew what
would happen; that she would be subjected to ridicule and insults from
everyone present. She had the option of telling the RA, but if she did
that, Shannon would harass her for days afterwards.
Mike offered to confront the guests on Ruthie�s behalf, but she declined
because that wouldn�t work either. No doubt once everyone was out of the
room Shannon would insult her for having a Parking Nazi handle her dirty
work, because she was too big of a wimp to do it herself. Ruthie was in
a no-win situation.
�Well, then the only other solution is for you to come over to my room
and crash there.�
Ruthie blushed and fidgeted. She was scared of accepting his offer,
because she couldn�t be sure of his intentions. However, she was dead
tired, so much so that her dilemma with Shannon almost had her in tears.
�I wouldn�t�I�I mean�you wouldn�t mind?�
�Of course I wouldn�t mind. Why would I?�
�I�I don�t know�I�I�m just thinking�maybe I�d better not��
�It�ll be just to sleep�I�m not gonna push you on �that�.�
She nodded, and they were off to his dorm building. It was a very
awkward feeling when she entered his room for the first time. Todd�s bed
and furniture were completely empty, but the trash can near his desk was
full of yellow police tape. Ruthie set her backpack on Todd�s desk,
while Mike pulled out an extra set of sheets from his dresser. They made
the bed.
�Do you have a toothbrush in your backpack?�
She shook her head.
�Do you want one?�
She nodded.
He gave her a new toothbrush and an open tube of toothpaste, and then
pointed down the hallway to where the women�s bathroom was on his floor.
He found the largest t-shirt he had in his closet and put it on Todd�s
bed. Strange to think, if things went Mike�s way, eventually they both
would think of it as Ruthie�s bed.
A few minutes later he heard a light knock on his door and let her back
in. To avoid the uncomfortable situation of what to do about changing,
he left the room to clean up, which would give her time to change. He
vaguely hoped that she would get undressed and not bother to put on the
shirt, so when he returned to the room he was disappointed to see her
wearing it. She was sitting on the bed with a nervous expression on her
face, but Mike knew that expression was not in anticipation of having
sex. She simply was nervous because the situation was unusual and she
did not yet completely trust him. They would do what they had said they
were going to do: sleep. At 4:30 the next morning she would wake up and
go to work and from there the two students would resume their ordinary
routines. However, Mike knew that if he could win Ruthie�s trust be
being patient with her, there would be plenty more nights of her being
with him. Her life with Shannon was unbearable, so he would offer her a
refuge, both in his heart and in his room.
The two friends hugged each other goodnight. Ruthie got in Todd�s old
bed and promptly fell asleep. Mike stayed awake for a few minutes,
listening to her breathing before falling asleep himself.
The next morning he woke up at 6:30. Ruthie was long gone, but when he
glanced over at Todd�s empty desk, he noticed that she had folded her
sleeping shirt and put her toothbrush on top. Next to the shirt were two
large geology textbooks and a couple of notebooks. She must have taken
them out of her backpack before going to work. He understood what that
meant, that she fully expected to return and already was starting to
keep her things there.
