Chapter 22 - New Year's Eve

Robert had to work starting on the 27th. A potentially huge case landed into his firm, a liability suit resulting from the collapse of some decorations at a discount store onto several customers shopping under them. A couple of children were seriously injured in the accident. The store quickly offered compensation to the families, but a consumer protection group decided to sue to force the store to comply with numerous safety rules. The families agreed, and the whole thing was headed for trial. Faced with the array of corporate talent they would have to confront in the courtroom, Robert and his two partners had to prepare their case to the fullest, along with the attorneys of the consumer protection group. Robert already had his thoughts on the appeals, as well as the upcoming initial trial.

Suzanne relaxed at Robert's apartment for three days after Christmas. While Robert huddled with his partners and the consumer protection group lawyers, Suzanne slept and spent time reading. Like Amy before her, she relaxed in the pool during Robert's time-share hours. She had not had the opportunity to swim in the nude or swim by herself for several years.

As much as she enjoyed herself after Christmas, after three days Suzanne was refreshed enough to want to head back to her apartment and get started with her next round of photography projects. The most important upcoming job was a shoot for a winter's clothing clearance ad to be posted at the end of January. This was a standard ad shoot, with very little artistic about it. Still, it would give Suzanne the opportunity to photograph Amy and Paul together in a wide variety of winter clothes in the snow.

Suzanne entered the apartment with Amy's presents from herself and Robert. When she entered her studio room she noticed the air mattress was gone. Wendy must have gone into that counseling that Amy had mentioned. Suddenly she remembered Robert's doubts and decided to ask Amy. Amy was in her room, looking at Burnside's lesson plans for the Spring. Suzanne knocked, walked in, and sat in the easy chair next to Amy's bed.

"Amy, you know Robert and I missed you for Christmas. How come you didn't come over? After Wendy left, I mean?"

"I just didn't feel like it. I don't know...I had to be by myself I guess...I'm sorry about not calling, but I was kind of depressed...I spent a lot of time going through your pictures. I tried to put everything back the way you had it, but you'll probably find some of your photos out of place."

Amy looked at Suzanne. She could tell that it was not the photos that Suzanne was worried about. Amy continued.

"I miss Wendy a lot. I feel bad about what she's going through."

"What is she going through, Amy? Robert told me that a program like what you described doesn't exist."

"No. She's with Dr. Burnside."

"Why?"

"She wanted to go there. She'll be at her house all spring semester. I don't know if you can understand this, but I'll try to make sense out of it if I can. After Halloween she approached Burnside and gave her a copy of your book. At that time she wanted Burnside to beat the crap out of her, as she explained it to me. She actually asked her to. At first Burnside refused. They talked for a while and they agreed that Wendy would be her servant over the Spring semester."

Suzanne was not livid, as Amy had feared. She just looked very distressed by the news.

"How could she do that? Amy, how could you let her? That woman's a psycho!"

Amy thought for a moment. She shook her head. How to explain this to Suzanne?

"Suzanne, remember how you felt last year the day after Halloween? When you lost your temper at me and asked Robert to punish you because you felt bad about wanting to punish me? Did that make any sense? But you felt better afterwards."

Amy picked up a picture of herself and Wendy from her desk and looked at it. Suzanne said nothing. Amy sighed and continued.

"Now, imagine living with that same feeling day after day, for a year. Not being able to get rid of it. Wendy was going crazy. She couldn't carry any money with her. She couldn't see her parents. She kept thinking that her great-grandmother's spirit was watching her and had condemned her for what she did in the Spring. She had no social life except for you and me. All she could do was draw. She wasn't getting any better."

"I thought she was. I thought because of her pictures..."

"That's what I thought too. Uh-uh. Take a look at this."

Amy pulled out a picture that Wendy drew just before Halloween. It was different from the Summer pictures, but for Amy much more frightening. It was a self-portrait of Wendy. She had a relaxed, happy look on her face. Her hand was next to her throat. There was an old-fashion straight-edge razor in her hand, the blade just beginning to cut into the side of her neck. Suzanne sat staring at the picture, realizing how wrong she had been about Wendy being less miserable.

"I found some others like this, if you want to see them."

Amy handed Suzanne the other pictures. There were six altogether, all showing Wendy's face relieved and happy as she was in the act of killing herself. Amy continued.

"She wasn't getting any better. She was looking for a release from her suffering. This must have been what she had in mind."

Suzanne handed the pictures back to Amy. She did not know what to say. At that moment Amy realized something else that was significant.

"You know, I now think it was very lucky that things went the way they did on Halloween. You know that both Wendy and Paul went with me to Burnside's party. Paul wanted to see if he could keep me from getting punished again, and I think he actually succeeded. But now I know why Wendy looked so disappointed when I went back in the kitchen with her Halloween outfit. She wanted Burnside to punish us and was upset when she realized it wasn't going to happen. The idea sat in her head for a couple of weeks after Halloween, and then she took the book over to Burnside. That must have been her last hope. It scares me, but now I think that if I hadn't been busted by Burnside over the grading, Wendy would be dead right now."

"Amy, she seemed so happy in December."

"Well, it wasn't for the reason you thought. I realized when I saw these pictures that she wants to die. What made her so happy was that she realized that her death doesn't have to be physical. I think she'll have an experience similar to what I had a couple of years ago. She will suffer a lot, and change."

"And you knew about this..."

"I knew about her plans. I didn't fully understand them until I saw these pictures."

"Amy, I still don't understand. I don't get it about you or Wendy."

"You never will. You can't. Wendy and I have this self-destructive flaw in our personalities. Robert's wife Tricia had it as well. You don't have it. Count yourself lucky."

Amy passed the picture of her and Wendy to Suzanne. For a long time they sat quietly, Amy at her desk, Suzanne in Amy's armchair. Amy thought about Burnside. She felt the need to defend her professor.

"You have Burnside wrong. She's not a psycho. In her own way she's actually a very caring person. She gave me two huge breaks that I shouldn't have had. I should have gotten expelled from college last year for the Internet paper. Because of Burnside I'm still here. Then I should have been fired for not grading all the term papers last fall. Instead, all I got was a sore ass. She won't be nice to Wendy in the normal way. I hate to think of everything she must be going through right now. But Burnside cares about Wendy, just like she cares about me. She'll do what she thinks is best for Wendy. Remember something else. Burnside made her wait six weeks before letting her go over to her house. She made Wendy think it over, and Wendy still went. She's there because that's where she wants to be."

Suzanne shook her head, but had no further comments. A self-destructive flaw. It obviously was true, but she could not understand the twisted logic Amy was presenting to her. All she could picture was Wendy's lovely body, covered with welts and whip-marks, and the tragedy that was happening to her pretty model and friend. Suzanne realized that perhaps Amy was right, however. Were it not for the suffering happening to Wendy now, maybe she would not be alive at all.

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Paul came back from Pennsylvania on the 30th. He had spent Christmas with his family, but would spend New Year's with Amy. Suzanne pounced on him the moment he rang the doorbell with the clothing ad project. Paul dismayed Suzanne by refusing.

"Suzanne I don't do ads. I'll pose for you, but I'm not going to pose for a corporation."

Suzanne did not understand Paul's refusal. She knew that he needed the money. She also knew that the only way that she could get the look she wanted from Amy was to have Paul there. Amy was not an actress and could not give a stranger the same looks she gave Paul.

Amy understood Paul and knew how to get him to pose. When Suzanne wanted to argue with him Amy squeezed her arm to shut her up. She remembered that Julie did not have the money to return to community college in the Spring and how upset Paul had been about that. She remembered all too well because Paul spent a half an hour lecturing Amy about the injustices of a corporate system that did not even let people study.

Amy whispered in Suzanne's ear, "I'll get him to do it. Just give me some time."

Amy and Paul walked back to the university. It was still brutally cold outside, but they were determined to get some exercise. They went to the gym to workout, then stopped for coffee on the way back. It was nice to just relax.

Amy still was depressed over Wendy. She talked to Paul about her friend, but had to give him a censored version of events to protect her privacy. Still, it was enough for Paul to know that Wendy was at Burnside's place for him to know what was happening to her. Amy talked about the self-destructive flaw in herself and Wendy, and how their personalities contrasted with Suzanne's.

Paul sighed. "Julie's the same way. She was able to raise her hopes when she started going back to classes. You can't imagine how depressed she is, now that she can't continue. She's worse than ever."

That gave Amy the opening she needed to change Paul's mind about posing for Suzanne.

"You know, for once you do have the chance to help Julie. You could help her, if you really wanted to."

"What do you mean?"

"Suzanne's offering you a nice opportunity with the clothing shoot. A lot of people would be very grateful to have the chance she's giving you. Maybe you don't have to take that money for yourself. But I think you should try to help Julie."

Paul struggled with the problem, although he realized the issue was settled. Whatever he felt about advertising, he did not have the right to deny his sister. She was horribly depressed and Paul was worried about her. Furthermore, he realized that Amy would think much less of him were he to pass up this opportunity to help. Amy was thinking about Suzanne, but she also was thinking about Julie. Paul sighed and agreed to pose.

"Oh well, so much for my thoughts on everything. I guess they own my soul just like everyone else's."

Amy decided to make sure Paul could not back out, and to make sure Julie got into her classes.

"I'll give you a cash advance for you to get Julie enrolled. You can pay me back after we pose."

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On the 31st Suzanne went back to Robert's apartment for New Year's Eve. They planned to have dinner and stay downtown for the New Year's celebrations, taking advantage of Robert's parking space at his office. After the celebration, they would return to his office and stay there until the crowds thinned out, thus avoiding the traffic jams leaving central Chicago.

Amy wanted to spend the night alone with Paul. She was in a very strange mood. She badly wanted Paul. She desperately wanted sex, but was depressed at the same time. They took a bottle of champagne that Suzanne had bought for them and with some cheese, fruit, and crackers they waited for the new year. Paul had suggested going to a party with his roommate, but Amy wanted to be alone with him.

About 10:00 p.m. Amy told Paul to stay seated in the living room and turned on the classical tune Bolero from one of Suzanne's CD's. She ran into her room and stripped. Naked, she came back out and danced, Paul staring at her with astonishment. She danced with passion and force, throwing her legs out and moving her body with the music. She closed her eyes and became one with Bolero. For a few minutes she even forgot about Paul, content to let the music take over and decide her movements. She put force and emotion into her dancing and started to sweat and breathe hard from her efforts. She had not allowed music to take her over like this since she had gone to her last rave, two and a half years ago. This was totally different from a rave. She had started dancing for Paul, but now was dancing for herself.

Suzanne's Bolero CD was the long version, but finally the tune ended and the spell was broken. Amy hugged Paul and kissed him with passion. He struggled to get his clothes off. He was totally aroused. Never had he seen a performance like that, and the girl performing was his own Amy.

Paul was hard from his excitement. Amy grabbed his erection and gently squeezed it. She knelt and took Paul's penis in her mouth, moving her tongue around the tip. She lightly kissed each of Paul's testicles and then stood up to kiss his neck.

Paul then moved his face to Amy's breasts and kissed each of Amy's nipples to make them even harder than they were already. He moved down her stomach to kiss the area above her pubis. He kissed her inner thighs and gently ran his tongue up her labia.

Both Amy and Paul were so aroused they could barely stand it. Amy dropped to the floor and pulled Paul on top of her. Amy squeaked with her high-pitched voice of passion and desire. She was totally wet. Paul entered her and thrust hard, the image of Amy dancing flashing through his mind. He would remember Amy's New Year's dance for a long time. Paul finished quickly, but he stayed in Amy as long as he could, thinking of her pleasure as he always did when they had sex. Amy had one of the best orgasms of her life that night, one that left her trembling and dizzy.

There was just enough time to clean up before midnight when Amy and Paul finished making love. Neither felt like getting dressed, nor turning on the TV. They opened the champagne, turned off the light, and opened the curtains. They sat together in the dark as they watched the clock flash to 12:00 and silently drank their champagne. They looked out the window at some fireworks way off in the distance. For a long time they sat quietly. Paul was as content as a person could be, but Amy's melancholy was returning. She could not stop thinking about Wendy. Suddenly she had a huge desire to suffer and cry. She sat for a long time, wondering how to get this awful feeling out of her system. Finally she broke the silence.

"Paul, I need you to do something for me. I'm going to lie across your lap. I want you to spank me hard, as long as you can. I want this to hurt, and I want to cry. I want to cry for a long time. I don't want you to get aroused, because right now that's not what I'm after. I don't want sex."

Paul, who had been sitting blissfully with Amy in his arms, was shocked by her request and by the sudden change in her mood. She was dead serious. She was asking a lot from him, because he had never spanked her for punishment and had never wanted to. Reluctantly he responded.

"Sure, Amy, if that's what you want, I can try..."

"Paul, this is something I need. I don't know why. But I need to cry. No matter how much I cry, I need you to keep spanking me. I'll tell you when to stop. Can you do that for me?"

"I can try. That's all I can promise."

Amy kissed Paul and lay across his lap. The room was dark, but there was just enough light that Paul could see Amy's figure as dark gray. He would not be able to see Amy's bottom change color.

Amy adjusted her position and spread her legs slightly to open herself up slightly more for her requested punishment. She grabbed a sofa pillow and moved it under her face. Paul rested his hand on her bottom.

Amy was grateful that the darkness of the room isolated her. She had thought about having Paul blindfold her, but the darkness in the room was enough.

"Paul, I'm ready."

Reluctantly Paul brought his hand up and landed a sharp SLAP! on Amy's right bottom cheek. He waited about 5 seconds, and landed another sharp SLAP! on Amy's left bottom cheek. With that Paul established his pattern, a sharp slap on alternate bottom cheeks about every 5-10 seconds. The loud slaps reverberated through the living room. For a long time there seemed to be no reaction out of Amy. Her normal arousal from being spanked was totally missing. Paul was spanking harder than he normally spanked Amy, but seemingly without results.

Amy closed her eyes and bit her lip against the increasing pain in her bottom. She was not enjoying this, nor did she want to. But she felt the need of an emotional release that only the experience of a good cry could give her. She desperately wanted to cry. She started to become frustrated that she couldn't. She started to wonder if Paul would need to use a belt or Suzanne's paddle.

Paul continued spanking, as Amy had directed. He hated doing this to her, but would continue until she ordered him to stop. Finally he heard a high pitched sob from her. Amy's body started to shake with sobs.

The loud slaps continued, as Amy's sobs also started to fill the room. As the pain increased in her bottom, Amy at last found the release she was looking for. All of the tension, stress, and sadness that had built up in her since Spring Break came out; the problems with Wendy, the troubles she had with Burnside, her on-going feelings of guilt over her father, the stress of her daily life. She cried loudly and continuously, the pain from the continuous slaps pushing her to cry all that much more.

Paul was very nervous about continuing. Apparently this was what Amy wanted, but he felt tremendously guilty about hitting her when she already was crying so hard. His arm was getting tired and his muscles beginning to cramp. He had been spanking Amy for well over a half an hour. He imagined her bottom must be completely red by now, although he could not see the color in the dark. How much more of this could she take?

Finally, Amy spoke, gasping between sobs.

"Paul...that...that's enough...thanks..."

He helped her up and she nestled against his side. She put her face and hand on his chest and continued to cry, with Paul nervously looking down at her in the dark. Amy sobbed for what seemed forever to Paul. She had been right, there was nothing sexy about this experience.

At last her sobs died down and Amy became quiet. Paul could tell by her breathing that she was going to sleep. He picked her up and carried her to her room. He laid her on her bed, then reached in her closet for an extra blanket to put over her. She was deeply asleep.

Paul was not tired enough to go to bed yet. He walked through the apartment back to the living room window, staring out at the dark neighborhood. For a long time he was content to just stand there with his bare body silhouetted in the window of the silent apartment. He wondered about Wendy and what was happening to her. Then he wondered about his own future. Political Science was not a very lucrative field. He already was in debt and that was getting worse. The upcoming photo-shoot with Suzanne would not help, because the money already was earmarked for Julie.

Paul wondered. How would he take care of Amy? What would the future hold for them? Well, no point in thinking about that now. The best he could do was to be there for her, to try to understand her needs, and to be as good to her as possible. With that he went back to Amy's room and slipped under the blanket with her.

The Wanderings of Amy - Chapter 23