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Back to Chapter 19
Chapter 20 - A Conversation with Burnside
Wendy's disappointment with not having been punished at the Halloween
Party intensified throughout the first two weeks of November. Perhaps
Amy and Paul did not need to be punished, but she did. Wendy
increasingly became convinced that an intense punishment experience was
what she needed to get over her problems with gambling. She realized
that she could not talk to either Amy or Suzanne about what was going on
inside her head. They would not understand. Finally she decided to talk
directly to Dr. Burnside.
In the middle of November Wendy went to Burnside's house with a copy of
her book, "Wendy". Her heart pounding, she rang the professor's
doorbell. It was strange to see Burnside opening the door dressed in a
simple sweatsuit, instead of a business outfit or a fetish outfit. Yes,
even Ruth Burnside wore sweats.
Burnside was working on some lesson plans, but she was not really
rushed, so there was some time for her to sit with Wendy and look at her
book. Wendy was so nervous she barely could speak. She could not look
her former professor in the face. At first Burnside was totally
perplexed as to why Wendy had come to her house. She could tell that
Wendy was not too sure herself. However, she was polite to Wendy. She
invited her in and offered her some tea.
Wendy sat down. She looked at Burnside nervously. Her hands shook as she
gripped her book. It was the professor who began.
"Wendy, from the looks of you I'm going to guess there is something in
your life that you are having a lot of problems with. I'm going to guess
that you expect me to help you. I hope it's not something with your
studies, since you're not my student."
Wendy nervously shook her head. Finally she held out the book to her
hostess. Burnside took it, read the back cover, and thumbed through it.
Immediately it captured her attention. Burnside thumbed back to the
beginning of the book and read the introduction. She skimmed over the
essays and again looked at the pictures. The issue Wendy was dealing
with was clear enough. The fact that Wendy had come to her for help also
was clear enough. What Burnside was not sure about was how to help
Wendy. She looked over the pages trying to figure out what was going on
in Wendy's head and what she wanted. That was hard, since Wendy did not
know herself what she wanted.
Burnside studied Wendy's drawings for their artistic merit. They were
extremely good. Some of the images aroused Burnside. Every so often
Burnside looked up at the artist, who was fidgeting nervously. Finally
Burnside decided to get some more answers from Wendy.
"Your work is very good. I'll be honest and tell you that your pictures
excite even me. But I need to know why you're showing me this book."
"I...I don't really know. I...need help. I don't know what to do.
This...thing in me..."
"Wendy, let's get something straight. There is no "thing" inside you.
You gamble because you want to. The issue you face is not getting rid of
a 'thing'. The issue is convincing yourself that you don't want to
gamble anymore. What you're dealing with is not a chemical dependency,
and you'd better stop thinking of it like that."
"Dr. Burnside, my counselor says that..."
"Bullshit. What you do is because it's what you want to do. There is no
'thing'. Now, what do you want from me?"
Wendy fidgeted. She looked at the floor. She couldn't answer because she
still did not know.
"Let's get something else straight. I don't like people who look away
during a conversation. You look at me."
Reluctantly Wendy looked up. Her eyes met Burnside's.
"Now answer. What do you want?"
Wendy shook with fear. Her voice was barely audible.
"Dr. Burnside, this past Spring I gambled $ 60,000 dollars. I want...I
need..."
"Come on, Wendy, out with it. You need to say whatever it is that you
want to tell me."
"I need to be punished. I need to suffer. I need to pay for my
stupidity...with real pain.."
"And so you are asking that from me..."
Wendy nodded her head. Burnside's lips tightened.
"Wendy, you don't nod when I ask you a question. Now, answer it
properly."
"I...I want you to whip me. Like in my drawings."
"Whip you? Why? What good do you think that's going to do you?"
"I�I don't know. I�just want it to stop. I want it all to stop."
"What to stop, Wendy? I'm not going to try to guess what's going on in
that brain of yours. So let's hear it."
Suddenly Wendy broke down crying.
"I hate my life! I can't stand myself! Those pictures�that's what I want
to happen to me! And no one gets it, no one understands�not even you! I
thought�you'd understand�but you don't!"
As Wendy buried her face in her hands, Burnside suddenly was faced with
a dilemma. The girl was asking her for help. The professor took a deep
breath, trying to figure out how to deal with this huge burden that
suddenly had been thrust upon her.
Burnside was not a subtle or gentile person. She was not one to sit with
Wendy and hold her hand and try to comfort her. Burnside suspected that
Amy and Suzanne must have spent the entire year trying to comfort Wendy,
to no avail. It was apparent that she had been receiving counseling, but
that wasn't working either. Wendy did not need to be comforted; what she
needed was quite the opposite.
"Wendy, sit up! Get your hands off your face and sit the fuck up!"
Wendy was surprised as being spoken to so harshly. She complied,
although tears continued to stream down her face.
"Now, we need to get a few things straight! Don't tell me that I'm the
one who doesn't understand, because it's YOU! You're the one who doesn't
understand! You don't understand a god-damned thing about who I am or
why I do what I do! And something else. You say that you want to be
punished like in your drawings. It's obvious you don't know what you're
talking about! There's no way I'd go that far with anyone, even if they
asked me to! I'm not into punishing people to the point I have to pay
their hospital bills! Your drawings are excellent, but they're not real!
It's obvious you can't separate fantasy from reality if you think you
could endure what's in your drawings!"
Wendy sat silently, shaking slightly. Suddenly, Burnside realized
something that alarmed her. Wendy was in very serious psychological
trouble, something that went way beyond a simple addiction to gambling.
Burnside wondered if perhaps she was only days away from committing
suicide. There was only one way to find out, and that was to ask her
quickly and directly, extracting the truth before the student had time
to think of an evasive answer. Burnside drew a quick breath.
"OK, a quick question. Are you, right now, thinking about committing
suicide?"
Wendy sat silent.
"I asked you a question. Are you thinking about committing suicide?"
"Yes."
"And how are you planning to do it?"
"I thought about cutting my throat."
"With what? What are you planning to use?"
"My fantasy was one of those old straight edge razors, but I don't know
where to get one. So, I�I have this Swiss Army knife with a real sharp
blade."
"You gave it some thought, then, method and instrument. Got it all
figured out."
Wendy looked at the floor. "Yes, Dr. Burnside. I've been thinking about
it."
Burnside stood up.
"You're thinking about cutting your throat with a Swiss Army knife. How
nice! How fucking selfish of you! Did you ever give it any thought as to
what that might do to Amy or your photographer friend, if they found you
dead with your throat cut? Or to your parents, if they had to see you in
the morgue with a big, bloody gash in your neck? Any thought about any
of that at all? Or was it just all about you?"
Wendy sadly shook her head.
"Don't you shake your head, you answer my question!"
"No, I never gave that any thought."
"So it was all about you! Poor little Wendy, oh poor baby, how much she
suffered! Never mind anyone else! Never mind that the people who care
about you the most are the ones who you'd hurt the most by cutting your
throat! Never mind that whoever finds you would have to look at a floor
full of your blood, deal with the police, explain to everyone what
happened, try to make sense out of it themselves, and probably have
nightmares for the rest of their life! I guess that just doesn't matter!
Think about that, for a change!"
Wendy sat staring straight ahead of her, tears running down her face.
"I was hoping that�maybe if you punished me, it would force out whatever
it is in me that's making me�I don't know�making me think all this
stuff."
Burnside thought about the situation. She realized that she did have a
good opportunity to help her forlorn guest, because she felt that she
understood Wendy better than anyone else in her life. Burnside suspected
that she had been the first person to hear her visitor clearly admit
that she wanted to commit suicide. It was obvious that the kindness and
support that Wendy had been receiving were not helping her. Burnside was
convinced that instead of being treated with kindness, Wendy needed to
be treated roughly and submitted to a very strict regime. What the girl
needed was a lifestyle change. Yes. A lifestyle change, that was it. She
needed to be driven, to be forced into a structured existence, and face
real consequences if she failed to meet her obligations. Burnside
thought about basic training in the Navy. She remembered one part of her
training, facing the gas chamber. She had been afraid of the gas chamber
as much as everyone else. But when she came out, cleared her lungs, and
wiped the snot and tears off her face, she felt better about herself.
Burnside realized at that moment she could face her fears and overcome
them. Wendy needed something along those lines. The professor felt she
could do something that would work.
"What you are asking from me is something more long term. Sure, I can
whip you. But what good will that do if you don't change your lifestyle?
It's your lifestyle you need to change. You have a lot of stupid
thoughts floating around your head, and what you need is a long-term
change in the way you live to get your mind on something else. That's
why people go to in-patient counseling, to change their lifestyles and
to change what they're thinking."
Wendy looked at Burnside intently. The professor mulled over her next
words. An idea began to take shape in her head.
"Wendy, how would you like to live with me in the Spring? I can work
with you. I'll make you change your lifestyle."
Wendy nodded. Burnside's face became tense with anger.
"Wendy, you do not nod when I ask you something! That's the third time I
told you! Answer me properly!"
"Yes, Dr. Burnside, I'd like it if you can help me. I'll live with you,
if you think it will do me any good."
"OK. I want to explain a few things. Once you move in, you will give up
your independence and your life as you now know it, for the entire
Spring semester. The moment you come through that front door, you will
remove all your clothing, and you will put on a collar. That collar will
be the only thing I will let you wear when you are in my house. Once you
enter my house I will lock up your clothes and you won't see them again
until you leave in May. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Dr. Burnside."
"You will study. You will take a full load of correspondence classes in
your major and get A's in all of them. I will check your work before you
send it off. You'll exercise and get into decent physical shape. I will
give you a schedule that you will adhere to. You will not have much time
to think about gambling, or anything else. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Dr. Burnside."
"You will be responsible for maintaining my house clean to my
satisfaction. You will cook my meals. You will clean my shoes and iron
my clothes. You will serve me and my guests. You will host my Mardi Gras
party. You will do whatever I tell you to do. You will satisfy me
sexually, when I'm not with one of my other friends. If you make any
mistakes you will confess them immediately and I will punish you. You do
anything that irritates me and I will punish you. If I need to tell you
to do something twice I will punish you. If you ever give me or anyone
else attitude, I will punish you. Do you understand all that?"
"Yes, Dr. Burnside, I understand."
"Now, is that what you want?"
"Yes...Dr. Burnside, that is what I want."
"Good, so we have an agreement. I want you to think this over until the
end of the semester. I expect you to finish well and get A's in your
classes. Don't sign up for anything in the Spring except correspondence
classes. I can help you get a couple of independent studies so you don't
lose the semester if you can't get a full schedule. If you are
determined to go through with this, be here the day after Christmas at
9:00 am. You'll need to bring a cell phone that you can re-charge.
That's all you will need. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Dr. Burnside, I understand."
"There is something else I want you to understand. This will be a chance
for you to start over. It's a second chance at life. Beats cutting your
throat."
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Wendy left the house with her emotions in turmoil. She was dreadfully
afraid of her tentative arrangement with Burnside. It was obvious that
Wendy would suffer intensely during the time she would spend with her
former professor. She wondered about the classes. The fact that Burnside
wanted her to take correspondence classes and independent studies
obviously meant that she would not be let out of her mentor�s house. She
would spend the entire semester in isolation, naked, and at Burnside's
mercy.
As cruel as the professor would be to her, it also was obvious that
Burnside's thoughts never excluded Wendy�s future. She would be taking a
full load of classes, or at least close to it. Academically, her
impending sentence of servitude would not affect her. Wendy understood
that her future mistress expected her to leave the house at the end of
the spring semester and continue with her studies and her life.
Wendy trembled at the thought that the slightest mistake on her part
would result in a punishment. She had seen Burnside's array of
punishment devices. Probably she would feel all of them at some time or
another. That scared her and excited her at the same time. Over the past
six months the student had fantasized continuously about horrible
punishments being inflicted on herself. Burnside had said that she did
not go that far, but Wendy knew from her own experience that Burnside
knew how to inflict intense pain on another person. If Wendy went
through with the arrangement, her body would be feeling that pain on a
daily basis.
Burnside had said that Wendy would be wearing a collar. Wendy knew
enough about S&M culture to realize the significance of that statement.
Wendy officially would become Burnside's slave at 9:01 on December 26.
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What Wendy did not realize was that her upcoming servitude under
Burnside already was changing her. For the first time since the Spring
she forgot about her urge to gamble and her secret urge to commit
suicide. She had to get ready for December 26. There was a lot to take
care of.
She started with her parents, telling them that she was going to enroll
in an intense in-patient counseling program at the end of the semester,
something similar to a boot camp. The only contact she would be
permitted with the outside world would be her cell phone, and that only
in the case of an emergency. Wendy's father, still totally perplexed at
his daughter's gambling insanity, agreed that Wendy had to do whatever
it took to get back to normal. His anger at her had softened. It was
clear that if Wendy could overcome her problems, eventually she would be
able to repair the relationship with her parents and move back in with
them.
Without telling Amy, Wendy's next step was to visit Robert at his
office. She asked him to draft a power of attorney that would allow Amy
to completely take over her affairs until May. Wendy told Robert the
same version of her situation that she told her father; she was about to
enroll in an intense in-patient counseling program that would last the
entire spring semester. That left Robert perplexed, since he had heard
of all kinds of programs, but never one like what Wendy was describing.
He did not press her for details.
Wendy concentrated even more on her classes. Burnside told her that she
had to get A's. She already was doing well, but the thought of
Burnside's leather switch made her push herself even harder.
Wendy talked to her department chairman to see what classes she could
take through correspondence. She entered the chairman's office with a
copy of her book and her explanation about the in-patient counseling
program. There were four courses that she could take as correspondence
classes. Wendy made arrangements with one of her professors for two
independent studies. That gave her six classes. She figured six classes
would be plenty, given all her other upcoming responsibilities.
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The biggest immediate change in Wendy's life was her relationship with
Amy. Wendy suddenly was desperate to spend time with Amy and have fun
with her as much as possible before December 26. During November and
December Wendy invited Amy to several movies and a concert. Their daily
meetings for coffee, suspended since late March, resumed again. Wendy
shocked Amy by asking her the details of her life with Paul and her
studies. She was curious as to what Suzanne was doing with her pictures.
Wendy had taken no interest in Amy's life since Spring Break, and this
was a nice change. Wendy was eager to share meals with Amy and help her
in the apartment. Amy was elated at having her friend back to normal.
In spite of Wendy's return to "normal" in Amy's eyes, she realized that
something strange was happening, or about to happen, to her friend. As
finals approached, Amy asked Wendy what was going on. Wendy, with only a
touch of apprehension, explained her upcoming arrangement with Burnside.
"That's why I'm so anxious to spend as much time as I can with you. I'm
afraid I won't see much of you or anyone in the Spring."
Amy was surprised, but she did not object to her friend's plans. Amy had
undergone enough painful experiences of her own to be able to comprehend
Wendy�s thoughts more than she realized. Amy could understand what Wendy
hoped to accomplish by submitting to Burnside. Wendy's internment in the
professor�s house would be a death, of sorts. She would be re-born
coming out of Burnside's house in May. Wendy did not know how she would
turn out, but she knew that she would be different than she was now.
Amy realized that two years ago she had gone through a similar
experience. She suffered tremendously during the final weeks of her trip
with Courtney. Amy's high school life, and everything she had been up to
that time, died in that alley with Courtney. Amy saw the strapping she
received from Robert as her painful re-birth into the world, and the
beginning of who she was now. Wendy would have a similar experience with
Burnside.
Amy and Wendy became much closer during the final two weeks before
Christmas. They opened their souls up to each other. Amy finally was
able to talk completely freely about Courtney and what she felt about
her death. Wendy opened up about her own experiences in high school.
They talked about their parents and their childhoods, their friends, and
life in general.
Amy thought with regret about Wendy's lovely body being covered with
welts. But she also trusted that Burnside would be careful and not go
too far.
Amy thought about Suzanne. She knew that the photographer would be
horrified upon learning about Wendy's plans.
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Amy decided to talk to her professor about Wendy, right after the last
of the finals had been graded and turned back to the students. With
finals over, Burnside seemed more relaxed and talkative. They discussed
the tests and how to improve them, the plans for the spring semester,
and Burnside's thoughts on recent economic developments in the US.
Finally Amy asked about her friend.
"Amy, I don't care to talk about Wendy. What she tells you is her
business. But I cannot add anything. She will spend time with me, she
will face her problems, and she will move on with her life. That's as
much as I can say."
"But will I see her?"
"I don't know. You might. It depends on how she does. You'll at least
see her at the Mardi Gras party, but I know that's not what you're
talking about. I'll let you see her if I feel it will help her."
Amy sat silently for a few moments, then spoke again.
"Dr. Burnside, you will at least let her work on her art? You'll give
her time for that?"
"Of course I will. She's good. I like her drawings, but I'm sure that
doesn't surprise you. Do me a favor. Pick up whatever art supplies you
think she'll need over the next semester and give them to me before
Christmas. I'll have them in her room waiting for her when she comes
over."
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Wendy spent Christmas with Amy. Robert had invited both of them to spend
Christmas with himself and Suzanne, but Amy turned him down, explaining
that she needed to spend time alone with Wendy prior to her treatment.
Robert was even more perplexed about the whole affair. He explained his
doubts to Suzanne. The photographer simply responded that whatever was
going on, Amy knew about it and had not objected.
The morning after Christmas Amy and Wendy got into Suzanne's minivan.
Wendy wore a sweatsuit and had in her hand the only item Burnside
allowed her, her cell phone with its re-charger. Wendy would not be
allowed to talk to anyone, but she would have the phone in her room in
the same way a person might use a safeword during S&M play. Wendy's
correspondence books already were at the professor�s house. Amy had
taken them over a couple of days before with Wendy's art supplies.
Wendy was scared, but at the same time resigned and relieved. Her six
weeks of nervous waiting were about to come to an end. She was more
determined than ever to go through with this.
Amy drove up into Burnside's driveway. She squeezed Wendy's hand, and
with that she got out. Amy watched as her friend rang the doorbell. The
door opened almost immediately. Wendy slipped through the door and
vanished as the door went shut.
Amy pulled out of the driveway. For the first time in almost two years
she felt terribly alone. Not lonely, but alone. She wondered what was
happening to her friend on the other side of that door.
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Amy returned to the apartment after dropping off Wendy at Burnside's
house. She still felt adrift after having left her to a semester of
harsh servitude. For the last month she had truly enjoyed having her
friend back to normal, and now she was gone again.
Amy faced the prospect of spending a couple of days by herself. Paul was
in Pennsylvania with his family and would not be back until December 30.
Of course Amy could go over to Robert's place, but as soon as she did
there was the problem of explaining where Wendy was and what had
happened to her. Amy felt that she needed to talk to Suzanne and Robert
separately about what Wendy was facing and why she felt it was necessary
to submit to Burnside. Amy felt that Robert would understand more than
Suzanne, considering what he had endured with his wife Tricia. Amy
remembered Robert's comment about Tricia that day, now almost two years
ago, that she first asked about Robert's strap and later had it used on
her own bottom. "Tricia was a lot like you. She had a wild side that if
let out of control, would wreck her life."
Amy's memories went back to that moment in Robert's car, and to her
feelings of guilt, anxiety, desire, curiosity, and sexual arousal. She
remembered Robert's cruelty and kindness to her that night, and the days
following when she re-entered the world changed. It was not the
punishment that changed her. The change in Amy's life began months
before when she watched Courtney slowly kill herself. The change
intensified when Courtney died and Robert picked Amy up from the police
station. The change in Amy's soul continued when she enrolled in classes
and began modeling for Suzanne. The shock of the strapping did not
change Amy, but it symbolized her painful re-entry into the world. It
was only afterwards that Amy was able to forgive herself for her actions
in high school and the disaster with Courtney.
Amy's thoughts went back to the first Halloween party at Burnside's
house, now over a year ago, and the term paper that followed. That term
paper finalized Amy's change from who she had been in high school to who
she was now. Amy realized that she owed Burnside a huge debt for giving
her a sense of direction in her studies. It was because of that party
that she had met Wendy in the first place and made the discovery about
her own grandfather.
Ruth Burnside was by no means a lovable person, but she had pardoned Amy
twice for offenses that should have ended her career under the
university rules. Amy realized that Burnside, in her unique way,
actually was very forgiving of people's mistakes. She forgave on her own
terms, which were not very pleasant ones. However, she always was
willing to give a person a second chance, or in Amy's case, two second
chances. She realized, at that moment, that she cared deeply for
Burnside, in spite of the professor's unpleasant personality and
harshness.
Amy did not know how Suzanne would react to Wendy's servitude, other
than she would be very upset. It was possible that her roommate
would storm over to Burnside's house and demand that Wendy come out. Amy
wanted to avoid that if at all possible, because she was convinced that
Wendy was doing the right thing. Wendy needed the same sense of
direction that Amy now enjoyed. Most importantly, she needed to forgive
herself for her trips to Atlantic City and her attempt to pawn her
family's pendent. If Wendy were anything like Amy, the only way she
could forgive herself would be to endure a harsh experience first.
Amy knew that the idea of seeking out suffering made no sense to
Suzanne. Amy's roommate had no need for enduring a harsh experience,
because she had endured seven years of physical and emotional abuse from
her father. Amy realized that Suzanne was a survivor. She still was
amazed that Suzanne had endured so much suffering and had not turned to
drugs, or alcohol, or religion, or some other escape while in high
school. There was no self-destructive flaw in her personality as there
was in the personalities of Amy, Wendy, Courtney, and Robert's dead wife
Tricia. Instead Suzanne had pushed ahead in her life and had become a
rock in the lives of Robert and her models. How could Amy explain
Wendy's needs to Suzanne in a way that made sense to her?
It was bitterly cold outside and Amy had no desire to go back out. She
spent a long time just looking out the window at the bleak cold weather.
Finally she went into Suzanne's studio to deflate the air mattress Wendy
had been sleeping on. She rolled it up and took it back to her room. She
returned to Suzanne's studio room and sadly looked through the volumes
of pictures of Wendy and of the two of them together. Amy wondered if
she ever would model with her friend again.
The Wanderings of Amy - Chapter 21
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