written by: Bear
edited by: DecipleoftheForest
& Aenae
Enjoy the journey of a young man lost through life

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CHAPTER TEN: RELIVING

"Ok, that leaves us with the last person who we need to talk about. Cynthia." I winced a little when Naomi mentioned Cynthia's name. I really didn't want to talk to her about Cynth. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I was so hesitant to talk about Cynthia. After all, I've shared many of my thoughts with Naomi these past couple of months. Just by the mention of Cynthia's name made me think about her.

School was starting to get better as I got into my routine. People no longer stared at me. Instead, they just ignored me now. I was yesterday's news. As bad as that sounded though, nothing could have pleased me more. The only exception to that was Cynthia, it was almost like a game we played together now. I would try to ignore her in class. She would pass notes through Kathy to me. And I would stuff them in my pocket to forget about them. Truth be told, I never forgot about them. I read each one numerous times when I got home. But I had to let her go. I had to give her a chance at happiness with Rick, instead of trying to figure out how to be friends with a psycho like me.

Today was no different than before. Kathy nudged me and passed me a note while looking at me with an undisguised lack of patience. I took the note and stuffed it into my pocket. I looked at Kathy as I did this and she rolled her eyes at me. A little past her, I noticed Cynthia. She had the same pleading expression that I have seen since that first note. It broke my heart to see this, but the center of my being was shattered, I simply had no more to give. I decided I would write a note to her.

Dear Cynthia,
I wanted to thank you for your friendship. It has meant a lot to me to have you constantly write to me. I know you see me just stuff it into my pocket. But I do read them. Every night. I read them over and over again. It is because of your letters, that I must ask you to stop.

You are a special person. You have the chance to be happy with Rick. You deserve a great guy like him. And he deserves a great girl like you. I know you said before that I am your best friend. Well, if that's true, then it's time that I start acting like one.

The best thing that I can do for you is to let you go. You shouldn't be my friend any longer. You shouldn't sit there in fifth period looking at me to talk to me. I am fucked up. I have a lot of things that I am trying to work out with my shrink. But I do know one thing. I am really fucked up. The best thing you can do is to distance yourself away from me.

You have a real future ahead of you. Don't forget that. Never forget that. You are smart, kind, and sweet.

I will always miss you. And truth be told, I will always love you...as a friend.

-Chris

It took me several drafts before I came up with that. I surprised myself with the level of maturity that the letter showed. I couldn't believe that I wrote that I loved her, even though I qualified it with "as a friend." But it came from my heart. I truly wanted her to have a life worth living. And that would only be possible without her worrying about me.

I looked up from the letter and I noticed that both Cynthia and Kathy were looking at me. I must have been furiously writing, because I noticed that I had several crumpled pieces of paper all over my desk. Some of them had even fallen to the floor. I was surprised at how absorbed I was with the writing that I didn't even notice what I was doing. I composed myself quickly though and folded up the letter two times before I wrote Cynthia's name on it and handed it to Kathy.

Kathy was actually surprised that I was giving her the note. I'm not sure why she would be surprised since she obviously was watching me compose it. Cynthia was shocked as well when Kathy gave her the note. However, Cynthia was much more interested in opening the letter and reading it, than trying to figure out why I would all of a sudden write a note to her. As she opened the note, the bell rung. I didn't want to stick around for this, so I gathered my stuff quickly and ran out the door.

I got home and did some homework before Naomi came. She was promptly there at five o'clock. I thought I had dealt with as much Cynthia as I needed to that day, but once again, Naomi brought up my favorite subject.

"Chris, yesterday we went over almost everyone on your list of people who are in contact with you in your dream. I left Cynthia for today on purpose, feeling that we would need a whole session for her. And that's what we're going to talk about today."

"I really wish we would just drop the subject of Cynthia. I've dealt with her already today, I think I finally was able to have some form of closure with her." I smirked a little as I said the word closure. It was something that I picked up from Naomi. Throwing it back in her face a little gave me a little pleasure.

"In what way did you 'end' things with her?"

"I wrote her a letter today. Well, actually it was more of a little note. In it, I basically told her that I think she should stop worrying about me and we should stop being friends, because it would be best for her to go on with her life."

"That surprises me, Chris."

"How so?"

"Well, I never actually thought you would write a note back to Cynthia." I laughed at that. Naomi knew about the notes that Cynthia has been writing me. She didn't know exactly what was in each note, but I had told her the gist of them before.

"I don't know what got into me. Check that. I do know. I think I was just tired of letting her down. I was tired of playing this game with her. I know she cares about me as a friend. And I care about her as well, as a friend. But enough is enough already. She needs to get away from someone like me, who can only bring her down."

"Some may say that's a pretty mature way of looking at things."

"And what do you say?"

"You really want to know?"

"I asked didn't I?"

"Ok, but you're not going to like what I am going to say."

"That's never stopped you before."

She took a little moment. Then she visibly sighed a little before she started. "Ok, Chris, what I say to that is, it's a bullshit cop-out."

"WHAT?!?"

"While it looks like you are doing what you think is best for Cynthia, you're really only doing what you want. Not what she wants. Nor what is best for the both of you."

"What are you talking about? This IS what's best for her."

"Really? How so?"

"Like I said before, all I can do is drag her down in life. She has a great future with Rick. She's planning going to be going to UCLA after next year, and she'll be a great doctor after that. She doesn't need me there screwing all that up."

"Why do you say that you'll drag her down?"

"Well, I'm stopping her from having a relationship with Rick. That's already dragging them down."

"How are you stopping them?"

"Well, she seems to think she has to make a choice between Rick and myself. And I basically am giving her the push to choose Rick."

"You made her choose."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I was starting to get angry. "How the hell did I make her choose?"

"Let me ask you something, why does she have to choose at all?"

"Well because... err... because..." Fuck! I hate it when she's right.

"You see, Chris. She doesn't have to choose. You made her choose because you want more than just friendship. And she was willing to give it to you."

"What? But why?"

"I worry about you if you can't figure that out."

I sat there for a little while thinking about it. She's willing to give up with Rick for me because... well because... no... it can't be. She's willing to give up Rick for me because... she loves me?

Naomi was studying my face as I was thinking this through. She must have literally seen the light bulb over my head because just as I thought it, she brought it out in words. "... she loves you."

"No, you've got to be mistaken."

"Chris, I saw the look on your face. You realized it when you were thinking it over."

"But it can't be."

"Why can't it be?"

"Because I have nothing to offer her."

"She obviously doesn't think so."

I shook my head. No. I can't think that. There's no future for her with me. Cynthia must just be feeling emotional because of pity for me. And she probably does miss me as a friend. But only as a friend.

"Look, I don't care what you say. She's just a friend. And as such, I need to do the right thing and let her go on with her life."

"Again, that's you dictating to her, not you letting her live life as she chooses. Why do you get to choose who she decides to be friends or lovers with?"

That hit me hard. She was right. I was deciding for Cynthia. But I couldn't let her choose, because her choice would be a mistake. "Her choice would be a mistake." Then I dropped my voice to the slightest of whispers... "I'm a mistake."

Naomi heard what I said though. "Chris, you're not a mistake. You have to be the one to realize that. I can help you. But I can't think it for you. You need to realize you're not worthless."

"Ok, I'm not worthless, but Cynthia can do much better than me. It's better this way. Anyway, can we drop the issue of her and me? I wouldn't even mind talking about her in the dream. I just don't want to talk about her anymore. I've made up my mind about it. I'm not going to change it. I know I'm doing the right thing."

"No you're not Chris, but we can deal with that later. Right now, yes, we can move on. Ok, so tell me about Cynthia and Rick. How did Rick tell you about him and her? And how did you react to it?"

"Actually, Rick and I never really spoke about Cynthia. He tried to talk to me a few days after I had found out. But then I went crazy." I smiled as I said this.

She actually choked down her laughter and composed herself quickly after that. "How did you find out about Cynthia and Rick then?"

"I actually caught them having sex."

"Interesting. So tell me about it."

"You know I really hate it when you get into your shrink-speak."

"Sorry, it's in the training. But seriously, can you tell me about it?"

"Alright. It was late one night. I was still at school because I was trying to lose some weight to meet my weight requirement in wrestling. As I finished up my shower and was walking out, I heard a noise. I thought no one else was in the locker room areas, so it surprised me. I followed the noise into the girl's locker room."

"Go on."

"I turned the corner and was stopped dead in my tracks. I saw Cynthia there being eaten out by Rick. I didn't know it was Rick at the time. I could only see the back of his head in that position."

"That must've been difficult to watch."

"Well, no, not really. At first it wasn't at all. I mean I knew that people had sex. Besides which, it was a very very sexy sight. I was first and foremost surprised. But the next reaction I had was arousal."

"So what happened next."

"Well, they went through a couple of positions." I told Naomi about what I saw. I think she was a little turned on as I was telling her this, because she kept squirming in her chair. Maybe it was just my imagination. Who knows?

"So what did you feel when Cynthia saw you?"

"I was afraid. It was like I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have been watching that. So all I could do was run. I ran home."

"And what did you think when you got home? Actually, first tell me what you thought when they were having sex, and then tell me what happened when you got home."

"Hmmm... When he was pounding her, all I could think of was this is Rick, my best friend. With Cynthia, my... well... the girl of my dreams."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Cynthia is every high school boy's dream. She's what every boy wants but can't have."

"So she's unobtainable."

"Yes. It's like being in love with a superstar. That's what she was for our school. She was our superstar."

"What did you think when you saw Rick with this 'superstar'?"

"It really didn't surprise me. Rick was always the best looking one out of all my friends. And he's decently popular too. He's not that outgoing, it's always this mysterious quality about him that attracts people to him."

"Ok, so you weren't surprised by it, but what did you think about it?"

"That didn't come out right. Yes, I was surprised by it. Not surprised by the possibility of it being Rick, but more surprised by actually seeing it happen with Rick. I don't know if that makes sense."

"Yeah it does."

"After the initial surprise, I think what I felt most was sadness."

"Why?"

"I wanted that to be me with Cynthia. I've had many a wet dream thinking about Cynth. It would have been nice to actually live it."

"I don't get it Chris, why don't you want to take the opportunity of Cynthia actually wanting you now?"

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore."

"It was an obvious question to ask at the time."

"It might be, but I am not going to talk about it anymore."

"Ok. So tell me what happened when you got home."

"As I was saying, I ran home. I literally, ran all the way home. I don't even know how I got there. And I also didn't notice that night that I left my car at school. I just ran home. I got inside the house, went into my room and I started crying."

"Why were you crying?"

"I'm not even sure. I just was. It just happened. I think in some ways I felt sorry for myself."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I guess I just wanted her to be with me. And, before you bring it up again, no. We're not going to go there. But I will say one thing. I wouldn't have minded being with her before being so messed up now."

We talked a little more until the session time was up.

I dreamt again that night. I still had the nightmare like I do every night, but this time I dreamt about Cynthia and Rick first before the nightmare crashed down upon me.


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