written by: Bear
edited by: DecipleoftheForest
& Aenae
Enjoy the journey of a young man lost through life

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CHAPTER EIGHT: APEX

Ms. Naomi Bora was her name. She was half Chinese and half English. And she was my shrink. She was to come over to my house three times a week. Since I wasn't really talking the first couple of sessions, she talked about herself. Looking back, it was to get me to feel more comfortable with her.

Our sessions for the first few days were very tense. I didn't talk. In fact, I basically ignored her. That didn't matter, she kept at it. She persisted. As our sessions progressed I slowly learned a great deal about her. She was thirty-two years old, unmarried and had no children. She spent a great deal of her life in school learning her trade. It was that sacrifice that made her one of the best in her business; unfortunately it also made her one of the loneliest.

It helped me that she was baring her soul to me like this. It made her...well...more real. She wasn't talking down to me. She wasn't analyzing me. She was just talking to me. It must have been hard for her. Her persistence finally paid during the sixteenth session, as she broke through my wall of silence. The really funny thing is that it was just a simple little thing that made me want to talk.

She was late that day, and she was apologizing for it. She happened to be talking about how it was just one of those days. You know, where there was nothing you could do right.

"...so I run out the door and just as I shut the door I realized that I had left my keys inside the house. I had to break one of the screens on my window and then climb in to get my keys. After that I get in the car to come on over here, but I needed to stop by to get some lunch first, so I stop by McDonald's. And I'm in the drive-thru when the person in back of me apparently doesn't pay attention and rear-ends me. After we do the whole information swap, I finally get on the road again and next thing you know, I get pulled over by a cop for a busted tail light. And I try to explain to the officer that the accident just happened and I pulled out the other guy's information to show the cop, but he was being a jerk about it. Anyway, all that to say I'm sorry that I'm late for our session. It was just one of those days where nothing is going right..."

"That's my life," I said very softly.

I said it so softly that she almost missed it. She wasn't expecting me to talk. It was actually kind of funny seeing her face. She was pretty much in shock.

"What did you say Chris?"

I sighed and repeated myself, still softly, but a little louder than the first time. "I said that's my life."

"What do you mean by that Chris?"

"Just that my life is like your day. Nothing ever goes right for me."

"Can you give me some examples Chris?"

"First of all stop that shit with saying my name after each question. That's annoying as hell."

"I'm sorry Chr...err... I'm sorry."

I looked at her with a blank look. She was looking at me very carefully. Her face registered with worry. I think she was hoping that she didn't ruin the little progress that she had made with me.

I decided to be nice. "Ok, well to answer your question, nothing ever goes right for me in my life. I try to do things and it just ends up all fucked up."

"What do you try to do?"

"Just... stuff."

"You're going to need to be more specific than that."

"Why? What does it matter? All you need to know is that I'm a fuck up and things that I do get fucked up."

"Why do you think that happens?"

"Why? I thought you're the one that's supposed to tell me that."

"No. I'm here to help you figure things out. Not to tell you what to do."

"What the fuck good is this going to be then?"

"That's going to be all up to you."

"Man, this is ridiculous." I started to get angry again. "Why are you here then? There's nothing for me to figure out. My life is shit. Nothing to figure out. It just is."

"Don't you want more from life? Don't you want your life not to be shit?"

"It doesn't matter what I want. Life doesn't give you what you want."

"You truly believe that?"

"Yes."

"Wow, Chris, that's a pretty sad existence."

"Yup. That's what life is. A sad sad existence."

"Why live then?"

That shocked me. "What?" I didn't expect that from her. "Are you telling me to kill myself?"

"No. Remember, I'm here to help you figure things out. Not to tell you what to do. Now, answer my question. Why live?"

I had to think about that for a while. I sat there for a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out the answer to her question. I couldn't think of anything. "I don't know. I can't think of any reason to."

"You asked me what I'm here to do. I'm here to help you find the reasons. I'm here to help you figure out why you should live."

I gave her a little half-hearted smile. I saw what she just did. Pretty clever of her. I had to give her that. "Ok Miss Bora."

"Well, now that you're actually talking to me, you can call me Naomi."

"Ok Naomi." I gave her another half-hearted smile.

"Our time is up for today. I'll be seeing you on Monday next week."

And with that, my shrink left.

I decided that I wanted to take a walk. It's been a while since I've been outside. I was considerably thinner and had lost most of my muscle tone. So I was breathing pretty hard from just walking. I suppose it had a lot to do with my lack of nourishment more than the lack of exercise. Still, it felt weird not being able to walk a couple of times around the neighborhood without breathing hard.

I was looking at all the houses around me. I saw kids home from school playing in their front yards. I saw parents pulling into their driveways from work. I saw dogs, cats, birds and other animals in the neighborhood. Now, why did I notice these animals?

After a few more minutes, I headed back home. I thought about what Naomi had said about finding a reason to live life. Did I want to find reasons? I wasn't sure that I did.

I got home and immediately plopped down on my bed, tired. After laying there for a little while sleep consumed me easily. Confused with the events of the day, my head had a multitude of strange thoughts swimming through it. I'm sure that had a lot to do with the nightmare that was about to enter into my head. It all started with me floating on my back in the middle of the ocean.

The azure sky was clear and the sun shone brightly on the water's surface. Small flecks of light danced on the little waves that rippled around. My eyes were closed as I lay there in tranquility. I could feel the rhythm of my breathing, slow and steady, as I floated in solitude on the surface of this ocean. There were no birds above me. There didn't appear to be any marine life below me. It was just me. Looking back, I think I should have been freaked out that I was all alone in this vast ocean sea. But for some reason, it was a sense of peace, not a sense of panic that coursed through me.

I was lying there floating for a good couple of hours. The sun had moved quite a bit. That's how I knew that time had passed as I floated on a sea of serenity. It was a sudden thing. I didn't feel anything happen before this. Suddenly I felt hands grab me. Not just one pair of hands, it was a multitude. They grabbed my feet, legs, arms, hands, shoulders, torso, chest, neck, head, etc. It felt like a million hands had grabbed me, and I was being dragged down. Under the water. Into the depths of the sea. I could feel the water get cold. I could feel breath leaving my body. I struggled to get out from the grasp of this multi-dexterous fiend, but the more I struggled, the more I felt it's grasp on me hold me tighter.

It finally turned me around to where I was facing the bottom of the ocean and not the surface. That's when I saw it. It wasn't a monster. It wasn't even singular. I saw what appeared to be ghosts. Hundreds and hundreds of them. All clutching at me. Ghosts of people I knew. There was Cynth right there in the front. Rick, Danny, Dyl, Gil, Ernie, Ms. Calkins, Mrs. Geldman, Coach Williams, Naomi, my parents and countless other people. All of them were pulling at me. They were dragging me further and further into the black depths. My lungs were on fire. I kept struggling to get out, but I couldn't get loose of their grip.

I could see that Cynthia was holding on tightly, and all I could think about was letting her go. I have to let her go. She's with Rick now. Then I wondered, why is she pulling at me then? I could see Danny grab onto me, holding in his other hand those stupid yellow pills. I don't want any! I could see Coach Williams pulling at me. That confused me also. I thought he was pushing me away. Why was he pulling at me? More and more people seized control of my limbs. I felt so trapped. I felt so helpless.

I felt the lactic acid build in my stomach and lungs. My heart was desperately pumping, trying to draw out as much oxygen as it could from my body to fuel its process. I was starting to see black spots and my head became fuzzy. My whole body was tired. At the moment before I finally blacked out, I woke up in a screaming terror. I was drenched in sweat, with my sheets and pillows in a state of disarray.

My parents woke from the scream and rushed into my bedroom. They saw me there looking at my hands with an expression of horror on my face. My mom rushed to hug me. I stayed still for only a few seconds until my body relaxed from its tense state and I fell deeply into my mother's arms. I cried like a baby. The pressure was just too much for me. I held onto her and cried.

The morning came and I woke realizing that I was still in my mother's arms. She looked at me with sad eyes. The tenderness of her embrace was marred by the worn look of worry on her face. My heart broke when I saw the anguish in my mother's eyes. The outline of her eyes were puffy from the seemingly unending tears which had been flowing freely in the past month and a half. Her face was dark and tired.

I looked at her for the longest time. Our eyes were locked onto one another in an unstated understanding of each other. I think she finally realized how wrecked my emotions had been. It was then that I understood the depth of my mother's love for me, and I pulled her close to me in a tight embrace. Both of us were crying, weeping as we held each other. But these weren't tears of pain. These were tears of release. I said sorry to my mom for the first time since this all started. And she quickly hushed me. "Quo le. It's past. It's over."

I knew that it wasn't over. I knew there was a long way to go before I could feel like a person again. I knew the journey was going to be hard for me to regain my spirit and soul. However, I wanted to spare my mother these thoughts, so I just kept hugging her.

It was countless hours until we broke our embrace. Her face showed that she was more relieved than anything that we had our moment of understanding. After she left my room, I kept thinking about what Naomi had asked. What is my purpose for living? What am I supposed to do? I sat there in my room thinking about it. After hours of sitting there, I knew that I needed Naomi's help because I really couldn't think of anything at that moment. Maybe it's because my mind was wrecked with the emotional trauma that I've been dealing with for the past couple of weeks. Or maybe it was that I didn't really have anything to live for. For some reason though, I made my mind to find something to hold on to.

My thoughts turned to my duties. It's been a long while since I worried about the normal everyday things that I used to do. It's already three weeks into the second semester of school. I would have a lot of catch up to do in my schoolwork. Apparently, all my teachers knew about my situation, so they told my parents that they would cut me a little slack. As a practical matter, they also mentioned that I would have to work my ass off to get back on schedule. That thought wasn't pleasant at all in my mind, but I knew I would have to do it.

My thoughts also turned to Christmas. I just realized at this moment that I ruined Christmas, not only for myself, but also for my family. I slapped my forehead in disgust. I can't believe that I missed Christmas. Of course I could say that I wasn't in my right mind. Still... it's pretty bad when I miss Christmas.

Christmas was my favorite holiday. Sure, as a kid, who can disregard the gifts? It meant more than that though. It was just the joy around that time of year. The food was excellent, people were friendly to each other, and it was just a time of fun for myself and my family. Even though I didn't believe in Santa Claus, I did enjoy the thoughts associated with him. He was the epitome of goodwill.

This year I missed it all. I don't know how I am ever going to be able to make it up to my parents. I vowed to find a way. I had to find a way. It was too important.


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