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edited by: DecipleoftheForest & Aenae Enjoy the journey of a young man lost through life |
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It was hot. Everything just felt awful. Life is pretty miserable when you are hot and sticky. Even just breathing was a chore. I got up to go wash my face and get some water, but noticed that I wasn't in my room. Where the hell was I? It was a field. It was dark and a little hard to see. But now that I paid attention, I noticed that I was lying on some grass in that field. This was weird. How the hell did I get here? I sat up. The night sky was as dark as the devil's soul. I couldn't see any stars. I didn't even see the moon. There was only a slight hint of light emitting from way out in the distance. I couldn't tell what it was, but it definitely was light.
I started to get up and walk towards the light. I judged that the light probably was a few miles from here. I looked all around me. I didn't really see anything. And that was strange to me. This was a barren field. No trees, no houses, nothing. There was nothing around me, just the light. So I kept walking towards it.
I walked for about an hour and the light was becoming more prominent. It was still pretty dark, but at least I could start seeing a bit of the field around me. I could make out that the grass was fairly dry. Yet what was strange was the lack of noise coming from it as I walked on top of it. Usually dry grass gives you a slight crunch when you are walking on it. This one didn't.
As I was looking down on the ground while I walked, I noticed a movement in the corner of my eye. I immediately spun my head to the right and searched for what caused that movement. I didn't see anything. After a few minutes of searching, I resigned myself to believing that it was just my imagination.
So I continued to walk towards the light. I could start to hear a faint buzzing sound. It was very very light. I had to strain to hear it. It sounded similar to an electric shaver being held against glass. I couldn't tell where it was coming from because it was too light. I stopped walking so that I could concentrate on where the sound was coming from. It seemed as if the sound was coming from all around me. Because I couldn't really pinpoint where it was originating. I lifted my head to the sky to see if I could hear it a little better.
Again, out of the corner of my eye I saw a little movement. I knew now that this wasn't just my imagination. There was something around here. It was fast and quiet. I looked around me carefully. I still couldn't see anything. This was getting a little freaky. I stayed still for the longest time. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to find what was behind that lightning quick movement.
I started to get a little tired standing there so still. I decided that I couldn't just keep standing there waiting for this thing. I had to continue moving towards the light. So I closed my eyes for just a second and took a deep breath. As I opened my eyes, the light was suddenly blinding. My eyes reacted by itself quickly shutting as I immediately brought my hand up to block the light some. It took me a while to adjust to the light. But I was finally able to open my eyes in a squint. What I saw surprised me. It was a tiger that was pure white. It didn't have any dark markings at all. The coat of the animal was as white as snow and as bright as the morning sun.
My eyes were adjusting better as I was able to bring my hand down and open my eyes without squinting. The brightness was still a little irritating to my eyes, but it was manageable. I was about to say something, but the tiger gracefully reared up on its hind legs as it lowered its head. The light flashed a little brighter as I saw this tiger transform into a human form.
The form was starting to take shape and I could see that it was a woman. The hair of this woman was long and white. She was actually quite shapely. She had fairly large breasts with a small waist and flaring hips. Being that she was naked, I could see that she was completely shaven down there. She was very sexy. As her face started to take shape, I noticed that she looked familiar. It was only seconds later that I realized that I was looking at Cynthia!
It couldn't be Cynthia. First of all, she doesn't have white hair. But then again, it looked exactly like her. The only difference was the hair.
It was then that I realized something. I felt so stupid for not figuring this out earlier. But I realized that I was dreaming. Up until this point, I had not thought to really question the whole experience. But it was at this moment after seeing Cynthia that I really knew that I was dreaming. This wasn't real. I had to chuckle to myself as I figured this out.
My reverie was broken as I saw this white-haired Cynthia walking towards me. I decided that I would have fun with this. I knew it was a dream. And how often do you get to be cognizant of your dreams.
When Cynthia spoke, it was with a melodic elegance. It bordered on the line between soothing and a ghost-like spookiness. She said, "What is your dream?"
"What is my dream? Huh? Isn't THIS a dream?"
"What is your dream?" she asked with a little more firmness.
I thought about this. What is my dream? What the fuck is she talking about? Ok. Think Chris. What is she trying to ask you? I really couldn't figure out what she was trying to ask me. But what I did do was decide that this was stupid. It was MY dream after all. I could control this. Why did I need to figure her out?
So I just said, "Fuck this. Come here baby."
She had this really brief flash of displeasure come across her face. But she hid it quickly and came over to my open arms. I brought her face up to mine and kissed her. The kiss was soft and sweet. The aroma of her hair filled the air around me as we became lost in each other's embrace. I don't really believe in a lot of the new age stuff, but I swear that I could feel her aura and mine intertwine. It felt as if we became one. This kiss touched our souls.
The kiss must have lasted for hours, but only felt like seconds. We were lost in each other. We finally broke the kiss in an unstated agreement that we both wanted more. I moved her softly to the ground. Her skin was hot to the touch. And she writhed with anticipation. Her eyes were wild with fire and her lips were deep red. Sweat beaded lightly around her forehead and I could feel the goose bumps all over her.
I lowered my head to her pussy. Her lips had opened widely and the hood was protruded. It was a beautiful flower blossoming. She was very wet. I put my lips together and lightly blew air onto her clit. She moaned when I did this. And her hips came off of the ground. I continued to blow all around her sex. This lasted a few minutes. She was bucking wildly moaning for me to take her.
She groaned in frustration as I started to move away from her pubic area. I continued to lightly blow on her. I teased her skin from her pubic area up to her belly button. I stuck my tongue in there and licked it lightly. I immediately went back to blowing on it causing her skin to goose bump even more. The wetness of my tongue really sensitized the area.
I continued moving from her belly button up to the top of her stomach. Even in her state of sexual euphoria, she giggled a little as my breath on her stomach tickled her slightly. With the mood lightened, I lifted my head and grinned at her. She looked back at me and smiled.
She brought her hands to my face and lifted it towards her face. Our lips met once more in another passionate kiss. This time, it was harder, edgier and with much more demand to it. It was the prelude of things to come. Our tongues darted around each other's mouths playfully wrestling.
The kiss could have lasted a lot longer, but she finally pushed me off of her and requested my immediate attention on another part of her body.
"Fuck me. I need you now. FUCK ME!"
"Your wish is my command, princess."
And with that I scooted my pelvis up to meet her hips. She grabbed my throbbing dick and pulled it towards her opening. She gasped as it entered her. Inch by inch, I slowly impaled her. She groaned with ecstasy. I felt her tremble a little as her body stiffened slightly. I was a bit taken back. Did she just cum? I knew that I had teased her. But I didn't realize that I had brought her that close.
"Ohhhhh..... that was soooo good baby."
"Did you really cum?"
"It was a little one, but yeah, I did."
"Wow."
"Wow?"
"Well yeah, I mean, I didn't expect to have that much of an effect on you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that I'm not all that experienced, and I figured that you probably have had a lot more experience than I have and..."
She started to get upset and interrupted me. "And WHAT? I'm a slut? Is that what you think of me?"
"No, Cynth, that's not that I meant."
"What DID you mean then?"
"I just meant that you've had sex more than I have..."
"So you DO think I'm a slut! GET OFF OF ME!"
"Wait, Cynth! No."
"GET OFF OF ME NOW!"
"Let me explain."
"I won't tell you one more time. Get OFF of me!"
"Just give me a chance to explain..."
SLAP!
I woke up in my bed instantly. Even in my woken state, I could feel the slap. It was a ringing on my face. The echo of the sting reverberated through me. I was in pain. Physically? Well, yes somewhat. But more importantly, it was emotionally. I became angry.
FUCK! Why did this shit have to happen to me? I was enjoying a nice dream that I thought I was in control over and then all of a sudden everything turned on me. Everything. Turned. She. Turned. Life. Turned.
It was then that everything became clear. I understood now. I am NOT in control of ANY FUCKING THING IN THIS WORLD. That's the key. That's the secret. That's my life. FUCK!!!!!!!
FUCK YOU! FUCK THE WORLD!!! FUCK EVERYTHING!
My life is worthless. I can't even control my fucking dreams. Cynthia is a pipe dream. I knew I wanted her. But it wasn't going to happen. She wanted to be friends. HA! Another person who wanted to control me. It was her playing field. It was her rules. It wasn't mine.
But I wasn't going to get what I wanted was I? Nothing I could do could get me what I wanted. I wanted to wrestle again. That wasn't going to happen. I wanted to have Cynthia. That wasn't going to happen.
I said it before and I'll say it again. Life's a bitch.
So I got up and started throwing all my shit in the trash. I wasn't going to go to school. I wasn't going to do anything. My life is not worth living. What's the point. Nothing I could do. Nothing I could say. NOTHING... just plain... nothing.
My parents came up to all the commotion I was making, and I told them just the get the fuck out of there. They obviously were worried. And they didn't know how to handle any of this. I had never been a problem for them before and they were completely caught off guard.
They tried to talk to me. But the more they did, the more I threw things at them. I became incoherent at one point and it just got worse from there. Between the sobs and the angry lashing out, I just sat on the floor and stared into space.
Day became afternoon. Afternoon became night. Night became morning. And the process went on like this for days. My friends tried to come see me. Family members tried to come see me. But I wouldn't leave my room.
I was a complete mess. My room smelled from all the excrement. I had lost some weight. But most importantly, I was lifeless. My soul had left me. My spirit was trapped away from my body. I was an empty shell.
It was about a week of this happening before my parents called professional help. This is the ultimate disgrace for a Chinese family. You have to understand something. For the Chinese, you take care of problems either by yourself or your family takes care of the problems for you. You never seek the help of anyone outside your family or outside of your village. Ok, so the village thing was more so the olden times. But it was still somewhat true. As most of your family's good friends and their families were considered extended family. My parent's friends were usually referred to as my uncles or aunts. Anyone older was my grandma or grandpa. You get the picture.
So them calling a psychiatrist to help me was the ultimate shame. It represented to anyone else who was looking from the outside in that my family was weak and couldn't take care of their own problems.
But they did it. Because they loved me. But I couldn't see that. I couldn't see anything besides the emptiness of my own heart.
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