written by: Bear
edited by: DecipleoftheForest
& Aenae
Enjoy the journey of a young man lost through life

Bear's Den Stories Page Rising Wind Homepage PREVIOUS NEXT

CHAPTER SIX: SHOCK

I went through the rest of the day at school without really paying too much attention. Luckily most of the other students were the same way. It was three more days until Winter break. And almost all the students had checked out mentally by then. So I didn't stand out too much.

Lunch was pretty much the same with me staying away from my usual lunch area. I missed my friends, but I wasn't about to deal with that mess there. I was again dreading fifth period and this time I actually was close to ditching the class. I think I would have done it too if Ms. Calkins didn't make attendance mandatory. The one class that I needed to be perfect in was the one class that I didn't want to be in right now. Life's a bitch.

So I trudged into AP Art History and sat in my new seat. I knew that Cynthia had to have figured I was avoiding her. But I just kept my eyes staring straight at the board in front of us. That is until I felt someone nudge me. I turned and saw Kathy holding a folded up piece of paper towards me. I looked at it and then looked at her and pointed to myself, mouthing the word "me?" She replied with a nod of her head and so I took the paper from her. I saw on it written "Chris". I immediately knew who this was from. Cynthia. It was her handwriting. She was the only person I knew that puts little hearts as the dots to her "I's". It was just habit for her to do so.

I looked up from the note and turned to Cynthia. She had this pleading look on her face as if she was willing me to read her note. The look on her face really broke my heart. I didn't want to read the note because I didn't want to deal with this. But how could I resist her look? I flipped my eyes up to the ceiling to collect myself for a minute. I sighed and looked back at her. She was still staring at me with those pleading eyes. So I mouthed "Later" to her. When I did that, I saw her face fell and she was on the verge of tears. But she regained her composure just as quickly and mouthed back an "ok" for me.

So I stuffed the note in my pocket and focused my eyes back to the front of the class. But I couldn't concentrate. Sure, I wanted to know what was in the note. But what stuck in my mind the most was Cynthia's reactions. Why did she look so disappointed when I didn't want to read the note? What could be in the note that she would want me to read right then and there? Why did she care so much? I was confused. But all I could tell myself is three more days. Just three more days until break.

I was so caught up in telling myself three more days, that the bell really caught me by surprise. I got my stuff together as quickly as I could, trying to run out there before Cynthia came to me. But I was too late. She had already had her stuff ready. I guess she was ready for my quick escape and was going to chase me no matter what.

"Chris, I know you don't want to associate with me ever again..." Her eyes were clearly starting to form tears.

"No, wait... it's not that..." I interrupted her.

"Chris, please let me finish." I sighed and I nodded ok. "I cherish our friendship. I don't want to lose you as a friend. So please read the note. Please think about it." She paused here sniffling a little. I was about to say something, but she looked like she wasn't done yet, so I wisely kept my mouth shut. After a few seconds, she continued, "I don't have a lot of friends. Yeah, I have a lot of people who act like my friends. But I really don't have a lot of true friends. And I have always considered you a true friend. You've never once looked at me like a piece of meat."

I gulped at that one. Thank God it wasn't too noticeable a reaction. If she only knew those countless nights that I dreamt about her. Especially that dream of us having oral sex. But I quickly pushed away those thoughts as I continued to listen to her.

"And you've treated me with respect. I love the talks we have. I hardly talk to anyone like I talk to you. Not even my girlfriends. You're the only person I hang around with that I can share my innermost thoughts with. You've seen my soul. Not many people have. Not even Rick..."

Why was she telling me this? Dammit! I wanted this to just all disappear. I didn't want to deal with all of this. And she was saying things that I've wanted to hear from her ever since I've known her. But I didn't know how to deal with this all right now. After all she was with Rick now. So what did it matter?

But I made a decision to try to make this better for her. I owed her that at least. "Listen, Cynth, I am not trying to end our friendship. I just need to be alone for a while. Without you, without Rick, without anything. It's not you. It's just that I'm... well I'm sorta dealing with a lot of shit right now. And I just gotta sort it all out by myself. Can you understand that?"

"I can understand that. But that's not the real reason you're avoiding me. Look, just please read the letter. Then you can make a decision if you want to avoid me. That's all I'm asking for. Just read the letter. Please..."

That last please was filled with an air of desperation. Finally resigned, I said, "Ok Cynth. I'll read it tonight when I get home."

"Thanks Chris." And with that she gave me a kiss on the cheek and left the class.

I sat there stunned. I've just been kissed by Cynthia. Sure, it was just a kiss on the cheek. But it was a kiss nonetheless. I stopped breathing for a minute. My head was in a daze. I couldn't focus my eyes. So I just sat there for a little bit.

I snapped to when people were coming in for the next class. I mentally slapped myself as I quickly got my stuff and left, hoping that I wouldn't be late for my last class. Luckily I got there just as the bell rung.

After school I walked to my car. Usually I only drive myself home because all my friends had other things to do. Rick (who at this point, I was glad didn't get a ride home with me) usually had basketball practice or some meeting with either student council, his service club, or his YMCA sponsored social club. Gil and Ernie were at practice for track. Gil was a long distance runner and Ernie did the 100 meters. Dyl worked at a deli a few blocks from school. The only person who sometimes I took home with me was Danny. That was seldom though because he was always off doing who knows what getting into trouble.

But today, Danny was waiting for me at my van. He was leaning against it with his eyes slightly closed.

"Hey, wassup Danny? You need a ride home today."

"Not really. I gotta go meet some guys soon. I just wanted to ask you if you were interested now in some of this shit." And he opened up the palm to his right hand and I saw a couple of those yellow pills again.

"Naw, not really. I'm not into that shit. Remember. But I did want to ask you something. How big is your stash?"

"Shit, I got enough to get the whole school fuckin' high."

"Where'd you get that shit."

"I have my sources." He smirked. "What you're interested in dealing now? I wouldn't blame you. Shit, it's good money."

"Yeah right. So how much have you made?"

"Well I haven't really made anything yet. But I've sold a few."

"Looks like you've taken a few yourself."

Danny laughed. "It's quality control, bitch."

Even I had to laugh at that.

"Anyway, I gotta go meet up with some of the other guys. So I'll catch ya later. Hey if you need some, just let me know man."

"Alright, later." So he took off and I got into my car and headed home.

I got home and hit the books again. I had a few last pieces of homework to finish up for this week. And then it would be FREEDOM! No school or anything else to deal with for the next three weeks. It would be sweet.

I finished my homework close to dinner time. So I turned on the TV and watched for a little bit until mom called me down for dinner. My dad was in a bad mood because my mom cooked fish. My dad HATED fish. And of course, when you're frying fish, it smells up the place. But my mom and I loved it. So he grumbled a bit and ate quickly and left the dining table. I finished up soon after and went back up to my room. I turned on the TV but nothing was really all that interesting.

I turned to my side and felt something poking me on my thigh. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the note from Cynthia. I had forgotten about the note. Now I just stared at it in my hands. I knew I had to open it and read it. But I was just scared to.

After countless minutes of debating with myself whether to open it or not, I finally decided that I need to open it and read it. After all, I had given my promise to Cynthia that I would. So I carefully opened it up and smoothed out the paper. What I read shocked the living daylights out of me.

Dear Chris,
I miss you. I know we're just friends. But I miss you. Why won't you talk to me? I know that you saw Rick and me together the other night. Is that what's bothering you? You need to tell me what it is. I am dying here without you. You're the only person I can talk to. I don't have a lot of friends that I can talk to. It's lonely for me a lot of the time. But you make it better. You make me feel like a real person... a whole person. You never make me feel like JUST a cheerleader, or JUST a pretty girl or especially JUST a sex object. You make me feel like I'm someone worth knowing. That's what you do when you talk to me. So when you stop talking to me, it just kills me. I don't think I can take it if you keep avoiding me.

Rick and I are just starting out on a relationship. And I really like Rick. He's sort of like you. He's a really nice guy. But I cherish your friendship so much more than a relationship. So if you tell me that you want me to stop seeing Rick, I will. I will stop seeing him. For you. For our friendship.

You have to realize how much you mean to me. You help me keep my sanity. You are my lifeline. And if I have to lose you, I might as well stop living. So I ask you. What do you want? What can I do to stop you from avoiding me? Please. Talk to me. Please.

You are my best friend. Always and Forever,
Cynthia

I sat on my bed for the next hour crying. I couldn't believe what she was saying. I'm her lifeline? How? I mean in all honesty, we never really started talking until the beginning of this school year. How could she see me as her best friend that quickly? And what was all this about giving up Rick for me? She was willing to give up a relationship with a great guy for me?!? FOR ME?!? I am shocked beyond belief. Why? How? What?!? I didn't know what to make of all of this.

I took a deep breath and re-read the letter. As I was reading it, I was again brought to tears. I was so touched by her affection and friendship. It all seemed so unreal though. She wasn't professing undying love. But that was ok. Because this was actually better than that. I remember something Cynthia said earlier about seeing her soul. Well, I don't think I really truly saw her soul until I read this letter. It was a beautiful soul. And she was a beautiful person inside and out.

This made me love her even more. But at the same time I was pained by what she said about Rick. If she saw me as a true friend... if I was to BE a true friend, I couldn't let her throw away a relationship for me. That wouldn't be right. Besides which, she never said she looked at me as a significant other. She sees me as a good friend.

I was happy about that. Wasn't I? For her to see me as a friend was a big step. I should be happy. I am happy. Why wasn't I happy?

Tired and confused. This seems to be the theme of my life these past couple of weeks. All I could do was lay on my bed and think this through. I must have been tired because soon after, sleep had captured me.


Bear's Den Stories Page Rising Wind Homepage PREVIOUS NEXT