Billy leaned over the counter of the smoothie stand and watched me plod through the sand and then scamper up the short steps onto the boardwalk. I headed directly to him.
“You having fun?” he asked when I arrived.
I rested my elbows on the counter. “Yeah. Thanks for letting me go down there.”
“Sure. Fine. How are — uh — what’s her name? — Kayla? — and that Tyler guy?”
“They’re good. They want us to go to the movies with them tonight.”
He looked at me for a while and his mood seemed to turn dark. Then he shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“It’d be fun. They wanna be my friends. And your friend too.”
He leaned out over the counter and looked down onto the beach where Kayla, Tyler, and their friends gathered. They were chatting, drinking, and laughing. “I doubt it,” he said.
I shrugged. Then I thought of that coming evening, me sitting at home, waiting, doing nothing much at all. Television, perhaps. Or just laying in bed. I didn’t dare think of Mel or Dave, or of fucking them. No doubt Billy would only fuck me once, and only if I asked him, and only if he were in the mood.
I wanted to go to the movies very much. I’d never been to the movies.
“Billy, then can I go? — like, by myself?”
He seemed surprised. His mouth opened then closed. He glanced down onto the beach again, then back at me. “Amber — ” he said. “Uh — look — ”
I kept my elbows on the counter and peered directly at him, waiting for him, for what he would say. I expected him to say no. Of course he would say no; what else could Billy do? But I wanted him to say it, to put it out there, to leave nothing assumed or merely accepted.
He opened and closed his mouth again. He stammered.
Then he stepped back into the shadows of the smoothie stand. I heard his voice. “Fine. You can go. But those boys, they’ll try to fuck you, count on that. You have to say no. Alright? You’ll say no?”
So, it was I who must say no. But still, to go with my friends, in the dark, at the movies.
“Of course. I can’t cheat on you that way — you know that, right? I mean — when you disagree with Mel it’s one thing, but I can’t just cheat.”
I still couldn’t cheat — I didn’t think — not even if I wanted to. At that moment, I glanced at Kayla and Tyler, and the others too.
He said, “Yeah. I guess I know that.”
I turned back to him and reached out my hand. “Take my hand, sweetie.”
He took it. I smiled.
“Thanks! I’m gonna go tell them. Okay?”
“Yeah.”
“And when I get home tonight, I promise something super-special! Okay?”
“Sure, fine, Amber.”
I ran back down to the beach to tell my friends.
We piled into two cars, Kayla, Billy, and a whole bunch of other kids, and drove north of town, out from the valley, up and over a ridge line, then another, then down into a different valley with a different town. It sprawled further than San Vincente; its lights stretched out before me. I saw them from the high, twisty road as we descended.
Kayla drove. Tyler sat next to her. I was piled in back with three other girls. They laughed and were nice.
At the theater, we parked, the two cars side by side, in a huge parking lot with lots of cars and other groups of kids milling about and running and grabbing each other. Many of them were drinking. Some were smoking.
There were groups with just boys, other groups with just girls. Most, however, were mixed like us. Tyler leaned next to me on the trunk of Kayla’s car.
“When does the movie start?” I asked. “Don’t we go inside?”
“Sure. It starts at ten. Usually we wait out here for a while. Wanna beer?”
One of the girls, Madison, said, “Yuck. Have some of this.” She handed me a little glass bottle with a green label. “Just take a sip.”
I took a sip and it was sweet and burned at the same time. I gasped and my eyes got wide. Everyone else smiled.
“Told ya,” Madison said.
I must have looked confused, for Kayla said, “Madison was guessing that you’d never had anything hard before.”
I took another sip. The sensation on my tongue was fascinating.
“It’s good,” I said, except it came out more like, uz gud. The girls laughed more. I took a gulp.
Then Kayla reached and took the bottle from me. “That’s enough, dear.”
Across the car from us, some of the boys, including Marcos and the blond-haired guy, had gathered. Next to them, on the hood, sat the cooler. Each held a beer, and they were running around and bumping each other, evidently trying not to spill them. Marcos shouted, “Hey Tyler, get over here.”
He smiled and nodded to us, to me mostly — I think — and ran over to the boys.
“I think Tyler likes you,” Madison said in a hushed voice, but the boys seemed to hear anyway. They certainly got quiet at just that moment.
Kayla watched me with a curious look. They all did. And I looked at Tyler. I couldn’t help it. I just stared and thought and felt things. He had turned back toward us and was watching me. My eyes dropped. “Aw! She’s shy!” Madison said. She poked my shoulder. There was more laughter. Tyler slowly approached, returning from around the car, walking toward us, watching me.
When he arrived, he said, “Hey Amber. Wanna go for a walk?”
“Uh — ”
Madison was smiling. Kayla was smiling huge.
“Come on.” He reached and took my hand. “We can just talk.”
“Okay.”
The side of the movie theater was a long, narrow stretch of asphalt lit by bright yellow lamps that cast few shadows and gave a sense of being in a haze. From this place, we could hear the hum of traffic from a main highway just beyond a tall hedge. I strolled along next to Tyler. He held my hand.
“You know I like you, Amber? Right?”
“Yeah. I thought you might.”
He squeezed my hand tighter, just a bit. “So — uh — I know you’re with someone, and usually — ”
He stopped and turned to me, taking my other hand so that we stood face to face. I stepped back, a half step, just enough to get a tiny bit of distance. Tyler was taller than me, not as tall as Billy, and he hardly loomed or overwhelmed me, but still, I needed a bit of distance just to think straight.
He was wearing a loose fitting tee shirt, sky blue, and board shorts with a red and blue floral design. It was hardly a sexy outfit, but his face, the soft angle to his cheeks, and the cut of his arms and legs —
I stepped back further and broke from his grip. I looked down and stammered.
Truly, I wished that he would take me right there.
“It’s okay, Amber. I understand.” I looked up. He was smiling at me. “You wanna go back?”
“Uh — ”
“Come on.” He turned back toward the direction of the others.
“We can walk more,” I said.
Billy never said I couldn’t walk with a boy.
“Oh?”
“Yeah. This is nice. Let’s just walk.”
So we walked. And as we passed around behind the building, I walked close to him, arms touching, hoping that he would again take my hand. Soon enough, he did. So close. I felt an amazing sense of warmth.
“So — are you happy with Billy?” he asked.
I guess I’d been happy lately, but then again —
There was no way I could explain it, so instead I shrugged.
“Look, Amber, I think you’re really pretty. I mean — amazing, actually. Like, I think about you a lot. And I know there’s something crazy in your life that got you here, y’know, with Billy and his sister. Anyhow, you don’t have to stay with them. Or whatever. I like you. See?”
I nodded. We walked.
“You gonna say something?” he asked. “Give me something. Do you feel the same? — even a little bit?”
Yes. Very much. So much. More than I could say. And of course I couldn’t say, no matter how much I wanted.
Unless he pushed me to the brink. Unless I was overwhelmed. Then, it seemed, I could speak plainly.
I held his hand and was close to him, feeling his warmth.
Push me to the brink, Tyler. Take me.
I gave him a shy glance. His lips parted slightly and he sighed. Then he grabbed my shoulders and forced me to face him.
“Say something! Do you feel the same? Am I wasting my time?”
I tilted my head and let my mouth open slightly. I slid my shoulders back and opened my body to him, showing him all of me. I was wearing the most darling blue skirt and flimsy cami. Could he resist me?
Touch me. Please.
But soon a look of sadness crossed his face, deep sadness. He released my shoulders, stepped back, and shook his head. “Amber,” he said, “I know you’ve been through some crazy shit, but I’m not really into these sorts of games.”
He waited. I said nothing and tried to look as slutty as possible.
“Let’s head back to the others.” He turned and began to walk back.
I was losing him.
“Please Tyler. Stay with me. I know I’m crazy, but don’t go.” He took a few more steps, but he slowed. At least he slowed. “Please.” The word came out quiet, alone — like me under the strange, spooky lights. The air felt cool. But he heard it, my meager please. He stopped and turned. I reached out my arms to him, a dozen yards away.
He came back. When he got to me — still standing with my arms outstretched — he reached and took my hands. He stepped forward. I remained still. “Amber.” He touched my face.
The touch became a caress, and I leaned into it as his fingertips ran across my chin and up my cheek. I smiled and bit my lip. Then I dropped my gaze and waited for him to do more.
His fingers were still on me. He lifted my chin. Then the kiss came, a sweet kiss, a lingering, delightful kiss. So wonderful.
But I couldn’t hold out. I couldn’t resist the impulse. Against every conscious desire, against my very being, I pushed him away. “No!” I said.
“What the fuck!”
He pulled me to him and kissed me again. And I pushed him away again, my weak push, so little against so much. There was no way my push could be enough to stop him, if he wanted me, if he forced himself on me, and how wonderful that was.
Take me.
But he yielded. He stepped back and let my push, my stupid, meager arms, drive him away. He released his hold on me and stepped back.
“What the fuck, Amber? You want it or not?”
“Oh Tyler!” There was terror my voice, and all the sadness in the world. “I can’t. Billy.”
“Fuck this! Amber!” He said it loud, like he was angry, but his eyes were soft and pleading. I reached and pulled down the top of my cami and showed him my breasts. He blinked. “Jesus, Amber! What the fuck do you want!”
I looked away, lest my will fail me. I pushed the thoughts of him, Billy, Mel, Kayla, everyone — everyone but me alone under the lights — I pushed it all from my mind. But my breasts were there, exposed to the chill air. I reached and rubbed a nipple.
If he wanted me, if he were any part a man, he would take me.
And, of course, I was such a stupid, broken girl who knew so little of decent boys. Tyler said nothing, not another word. He turned and walked back to the others. I heard his footsteps draw away.
Oh Tyler! Why are you so good? What’s the harm in a sweet little rape?
Later, Kayla came and found me crying behind the theater. I was plopped down, butt on the ground against the wall, and the tears flowed. As she approached, I wiped my eyes — although that was futile — and watched her. When she got close, I forced a smile.
“Hi Kayla.”
“Sweetie, are you okay? What happened?”
I shrugged. “I guess Tyler didn’t want me.”
She sighed. “Oh Amber! You know that isn’t true. I mean — he told us a little, and he isn’t the sort to talk shit.”
I shrugged. And I gently cried. She waited. Then she knelt next to me and put her hand on me.
“Come on, get up.”
But I didn’t rise. I huddled up and hugged my knees to my chest. Her hand gripped around my shoulder.
“Lemme take you home. You can’t spend the night shivering behind the theater.”
“What about the movie?”
I glanced at her and she had a frown. She tilted her head to the side. “It’s already started. And everyone’s inside.”
“You missed the movie?” I gulped and my voice sounded small.
“Yeah. That doesn’t matter. Now come, get up.”
I got up. “How will the others get home?”
“Don’t worry about them. They can get rides.” She rose also, behind me, and put her hand on the small of my back. “And anyhow, they know I’m taking you.” She nudged me forward. “They’ll be fine.”
Soon, we were in her car, driving through the steep hills. The windows were cracked and the air was cool. It was pitch dark, other than the headlights and the dim glow of the dash.
“Okay, Amber, tell me what happened?”
I didn’t answer. It was too nice, just speeding along in the darkness, alone with her. I felt deep things, as if I weren’t really in this world, that she and I were in a bubble floating in an endless space, like my first moments of life when everything was warm, limitless, and perfect. Why diminish that with words?
But she went on. “I mean — Tyler was really upset. He likes you, but he thinks you were leading him on for some fucked up reason.” She paused for a few seconds. Then we rounded a bend and crested a steep ridge. She slowed the car, and it crept over and down the curvy lane. When the road was flat again, she continued, “Well? Were you? — leading him on?”
“I didn’t mean to. But yeah, I think he sees it that way.”
I saw headlights approaching us from far down the road.
“Why? We really tried to be your friends. All of us.”
Tried? Were they done being my friends?
The approaching headlights drew near. Soon, a truck roared by.
I just said it, the truth.
“I’m not a real girl. I’m a robot — you know — one of those sex bots.”
We rounded another bend with gravel, a guardrail, and emptiness beyond. I could see faint lights far away, scattered ranches and haciendas clinging to some distant slope.
“Oh,” she said.
“Yeah. Billy bought me, but he used some of Mel’s money, so they both own me now.”
The quiet night. Another bend and the ocean came into view. Far out on the water, I thought I saw the dim lights of a ship.
“Anyhow, that’s why Mel was selling me — you know — as a whore. She wants her money back.”
I heard the hiss of her breath, but then she was silent for a while, a presence beside me. I felt her, but not touching, not literally. She was just so there.
“You okay, Kayla?”
“Yeah. It’s just — a lot.”
“Uh-huh. Turns out I’m not even a real girl.”
More quiet, then I felt her touch me, really touch me, her warm fingers. She spoke, and her voice was full of feeling. “Oh Amber! Nobody that cries isn’t real.”
Another bend and a long, gentle curve of the road. Soon, we reached the edge of the valley and the town came into view.
I took her hand. And it was odd, I felt no desire for her. Her beauty hadn’t lessened. No, she was still so beautiful! But at that moment, in the dark night, in the cool air, whipping down the narrow mountain road, I felt no physical desire. Just closeness. Somehow, I think I knew, she and I would never be lovers. She was something better than a lover.
She let me keep her hand, to hold it, for a very long time.
“Amber,” she asked when we reached the valley floor, “where should I take you? Billy’s house? I dunno where it is.”
No. Not there.
“Do you know where Chloe Peters lives?”
I made a decision.
“Uh — kinda — I know which street. Can you find it from there?”
“Yeah. I know the house.”
We passed over the stream and past the ranches with their avocado trees, mere shadows jutting into the night. Soon, we drew near town.
“What are you gonna do at Chloe’s?”
“I think Mel will be there.”
“Oh.”
Chloe’s house was a small but well-kept bungalow fronted by two little sedans. Kayla dropped me off there.
Before I closed the door, I turned back to her. “Thanks Kayla, thanks for the ride.”
I closed the door and she drove away.
It had grown late, and the lights of Chloe’s house were dim except for the dancing blue flashes of a television visible from her parent’s bedroom window. I crept past that and along behind the house. To get to Chloe’s room, I had to cross the cement patio that surrounded the pool. But I’d worn soft shoes, and my footsteps were little more than a faint tread in the darkness. I reached the quiet grass and next Chloe’s window. I tapped.
Soon, I saw the drapes flutter and move aside. Then Chloe’s pale face appeared through the dark pane.
“Who is it?” Her voice was muffled, but clear enough.
“It’s Amber. Hi Chloe.”
“Uh — ”
“Is Mel around?”
“Yeah. She’s here.” She turned and I heard her say, “It’s Amber.” But I didn’t hear Mel’s response. Chloe turned back to me. “Meet me by the side door. And be quiet.”
She met me at the side door, and I tiptoed behind her through the dark house to her room. When we passed through the door, the warm, heavy smell of sex greeted me, and soon, Mel’s voice, her touch.
“Come in,” Mel said.
Chloe closed the door behind us as Mel pulled me onto the bed.
“So, what happened? — ” Her voice was thin and forced. There was an edge to it, an eagerness. “Did my brother throw you out?” I felt Chloe climb onto the bed and join us.
“No,” I said.
“You changed your mind? — or just craving some real action?”
I felt Chloe put her hands on me.
“Mel — uh — Chloe, please stop for a second — Mel, can I ask you something serious?”
Chloe released me, but she was close. I felt her warm breath on my neck.
Mel said, “Sure. Ask what you want.”
“If I come back to you, you’ll sell me again, right?”
“Uh — ”
“I mean — I know you will, yes? You want your money.”
“Sure, Amber. Yeah I would. Why?”
I felt Chloe’s hand on my back. And as my eyes adjusted, I sensed a faint glow through the window and saw Mel in silhouette. She sat upright, waiting.
“If I come back to you, if I let you sell me — all of that — if I do it, will you let me keep half of the money?”
She paused only for a moment. The she sort of grunted. “What?”
“The money. Can I keep half, exactly half, even of what you’ve made so far.”
It got very quiet in Chloe’s room. I heard the girls shift around and the faint sound of the television drifting across the house.
“Amber? Why? What do you want money for?”
“When I get enough, I can pay Billy for my freedom.”
“Ha! He won’t accept.”
“I know.” And it was true, but I didn’t think it would matter. As long as I earned the money, paid the price, the hard price of hard fucking, and gave it to him, then, I thought — I believed — that it wouldn’t matter.
Maybe believing would be enough.
More quiet. Their breathing, and mine.
“We gonna fuck or what?” Chloe asked. I felt her shift.
“Yeah,” I said. “We can fuck.” She put her arms around me. Mel got close. “But will you do it, Mel?”
She kissed my mouth, a long, harsh kiss. She clamped my lip between her teeth and pulled. The she fell back and dragged me forward on top of her. Her hands fumbled at my breasts while Chloe reached and found my ass in the darkness.
“Yes,” she said. “I’ll do it. I’ll split it with you — even-steven.”
I surrendered to her and Chloe. I let them do everything they wanted to me.
Three months passed, three terrible months. Then, after all of it, all the fucking, the despair, the disappointment, I found myself sitting in a diner by the window with a nice view of the boardwalk and the ocean beyond. The day had begun rainy, hours ago — although the sky was now clear — and only a few scattered clots of people rested on the sand under the meager gray sky. Near me, just outside the window, a plump little girl in a pink one-piece shifted on the sidewalk and waited for her parents to park the car. Around her waist was one of those tiny plastic floaty tubes pulled down tight. It hardly seemed big enough to hold her.
Billy entered the diner and crossed the room. When he reached my table, he plopped down across from me. I hadn’t seen him in months, except at a distance.
He was the same: big, pale, and soft. He was wearing his jacket and ball cap.
“Hi Billy.”
“Amber.”
The waitress came over. “You guys need menus?” Her voice was flat, unfriendly. When I looked up at her, she returned a disapproving glance. She no doubt knew exactly who I was.
“No,” Billy said. “Just bring me a coke.”
She turned to me. “And you?”
“Same. A coke is fine.”
She spun around and left us alone. I raised an envelope from where it rested on my lap and placed it on the table. It was thick. It contained twenty-five thousand dollars in new one hundred dollar bills.
Billy looked at it, a long, sad look. “I already said no.”
He had. Two days before, I had given the money to Kayla to give to him. Then I fled to the bus station to take a long ride.
I couldn’t. I bought my ticket and waited on the bench under the hot sun and the gazes of leering men. But when the bus arrived, I stood, fixed, crying. The driver and the station clerk tried to help me. They talked to me and coaxed me. They asked what was wrong. But I wouldn’t get on the bus. Not until I knew. Not until he freed me.
And he didn’t, of course. When I returned to her, Kayla still had the money. She gave it back.
“Please, Billy.” I pushed the envelope closer to him, as if I could force it onto him.
“No, Amber. You’re mine, even if you won’t see it.”
“Please.” There was a tear in my eye, just a drop, but enough. I let it fall down my cheek. “I’m a real girl, Billy.”
“You’re a robot.”
“Yeah, and a real girl too. I figured it out. None of the other robots would cry, when I was back there. They might seem to worry or be sad, but they never really cried. I cry. I really feel all of this, inside, all the way.” He didn’t say anything. “I’m your slave unless you free me.”
He open and closed his mouth.
“Please, Billy. Please. I can’t even go back to Mel anymore. She has her money.”
“So you’re mine.”
He said the words slowly, each syllable coming out on its own, but when I looked at him, right at him, hoping once again to see his eyes — but no, they stayed obscured by his stupid hat — he turned away and seemed to glance at a different couple at a different table, a man and a woman. They talked in hushed voices and seemed afraid.
We all, each of us, have our problems.
“No,” I said. “I’m not yours. Not really. You can make me do things, you can even force me to smile and pretend. But inside I’ll hate it, and whenever it gets too much, for just that brief time, I’ll be free, and I’ll cry.”
Moments passed and our cokes arrived. He sipped. I let mine sit on the table. The money rested in its envelope between us. If the waitress had any idea what it was, she gave no sign. Soon, we were again alone.
I wondered if anyone in the restaurant was watching us, wondering what our problem was. I didn’t dare look to see.
“What happened, Amber? We were doing so well. The night under the stars. That was really nice. And I let you be with your friends, even go out alone, and then this.”
“I’m sorry, Billy. Yeah, you were nice at the end. But it wasn’t enough. You see — ” I stopped, quiet, but his eyes seemed to ponder and probe. He wanted to know. “I don’t love you.”
“Amber!”
“And I can love, Billy. I really can love.”
He was quiet. I nudged the envelope again.
He looked at it and asked, “What will you do? Where will you go?”
“San-Fran, I think, or Oakland. I hear there are places there a girl can dance and make money.”
His answer was abrupt. “You’re gonna be a stripper?”
“I’ve been a whore.”
He seemed to recoil. His posture shifted, he leaned back, twisting in his seat. Then he lifted his glass and took a long drink of coke. Then he set his glass back down.
“Amber, sweetie, I’ll take the money.” I kept my face blank. I didn’t dare — not hardly — show how excited I was. Don’t let him see that. To be free of him! Don’t let him see how that thrilled me. “But, then, when you’re free, can we try? Will you stay with me? — like a normal girlfriend?”
“Sure, Billy. Sure I will.”
“Don’t be a stripper. That’s a terrible life.”
“Right. Take the money.”
He took the money.
“It’s yours now.”
At that moment, that very moment, like leaping into a cool, clear spring, where a thrill passes through you, a shudder, so cold, and you laugh and laugh, like that, I was free.
The bus ride was long, hot, and sticky. When I arrived in the city, I found a place — Mel let me set aside enough money to live for a month or two — and then found a job. The club owner seemed quite pleased with me. He pinched me and hugged me, and I sucked and fucked him eagerly. He offered me a really nice shift.
For many months I danced under the hot lights. I shook my ass and tits. And the money came. It came when I smiled. It came when I pouted and acted coy. Surely, it was better than whoring, but only by degrees. Still, I had enough to live. And I dated, who I wanted, when I wanted. Mostly girls. A few boys.
My lovers were nice, when they stayed. But they didn’t stay. They came and went, some longer, some only briefly. And I learned how fleeting love was, and what a silly, selfish thing was the human heart. The sex was good.
Now, I live in a ratty apartment with two girls I don’t like much. But the rent is cheap. I’m saving, waiting, and thinking.
Maybe something good will happen to me.