Ricky and the Magic Rod
Chapter 1 - "Eugh! What the Hell is That??"
By animus

What to say about THIS story? You'll either love it, or you'll hate it. Either way, drop me a line and let me know.
-animus

It was Beverly's birthday.

Ricky and Beverly had known one another since high school, with a brief fling somewhere in the middle. Things hadn't gotten too serious, seeing as they were thirteen at the time, and they'd become friends since. Now in their early twenties, they spent most of their free time together.

They had a tradition - every year they would get one another a serious present and a gag gift. Ricky had already gotten her serious present - a white gold necklace with a little locket - now he was looking for the perfect gag. As a matter of course, he'd visited the local new age store, what he called the "Hippie Witchy Shop." Beverly was a Wiccan, which is to say she was a modern witch. It was something he constantly teased her about.

Last year he'd gotten her a mock-ceremonial robe with a stencil of a naked woman on the front. As revenge she'd presented him with a pretty wooden box. When he'd opened it a big, hairy spider had crawled up his arm and into his shirt. Ricky hated spiders, and had shrieked like a little girl when he felt it creeping on his skin. Finally it was time for revenge!

The store had been established for years, but had recently changed hands. The new management was in the process of inventory and restocking. Going through the shelves in the back, he already had his purchase in hand. It was, in fact, a hand - a dried out hand mounted on a wooden base. One finger was missing. He could just see her face when she opened it. This was gonna' be great!

Something caught his eye as he turned to leave - a nicely carved box with a shiny latch on the front. Maybe he could put the hand in there. It was easily big enough. Picking it up, he opened it to check out the inside. To his surprise (and horror) he was confronted with an intricately carved... cock! He set down the hand and closed the box.

"There wasn't a price tag on this," he said to the guy behind the counter. "How much?"

"Hang on, I'll take a look." The guy put down his inventory sheet and opened the box. "Eugh! What the hell is that?"

Ricky laughed.

"Let me guess. Gag gift?" asked the guy. Ricky nodded. "Hey, Jeff," the merchant shouted over his shoulder. "How much for the wooden wang?"

"Wooden wang?" The other manager walked over to inspect the box. "Eugh! What the hell is that?"

"That's what I said!"

"Uh, make it twenty?"

"Twenty's good," said Ricky and reached for his wallet. It would be worth every cent.

"These earrings are killing me!" complained Beverly as she walked through the door, undoing the offending jewellery as she talked. "I had to wear them all through dinner."

"Your mum and dad give them to you?" asked Ricky as he poured her a drink.

"Uh huh. They're ugly and it feels like I've got pine cones sticking out of my ears. Look at them!"

He took the presented jewellery gingerly and laughed as he looked at them. "They are pretty ugly, aren't they?" he laughed, setting them down on the counter.

"Yeah. And now I'll have to wear them every time I see them."

"Ah, well," he said, handing her a glass of wine. "Happy birthday, anyway."

"Thanks." They clinked glasses.

They sat down at the coffee table in Ricky's living room and he presented her with a little box. "Enjoy."

She eyed the box suspiciously, and opened it slowly, not sure what was within. Inside lay the necklace and pendant he'd bought a week earlier. "Oooh, nice!" she said.

"Thought you'd like it."

She took out the necklace and read the inscription aloud. "'Happy birthday, love always Ricky.' How sweet."

"Thought you'd like it," Ricky said again.

He sat down again and they chatted awhile. Finally she said:

"Okay, let's have it."

"Have what?"

"Come on, what horrible thing have you gotten me as payback for the spider last year? Let me have it."

"Oh, that," he said, in mock surprise. He pulled the box out from under the table and handed it to her. "Nothing special."

She eyed the box suspiciously. "What is it?"

"You'll just have to open it and find out."

She opened it slowly, half expecting something to jump out at her, then threw back the lid, her eyes wide. "Eugh! What the hell is that?"

"I've been hearing that alot lately. It's a big wooden dick."

"I can see that!" she retorted. "Why on Earth did you get me a wooden dildo? You want to give me splinters?"

"I thought you could use it as a wand, Witchy-Wicca-Girl."

"A wand?" She picked it up gingerly and inspected it. It was about eight inches long and smooth all over. There were intricately carved veins from base to tip, and a spiral-pattern of archaic-looking characters wound around its length. The detail was well-executed, and it even had a little piss-slit in the tip. A brass ring was set around the base.

"Yeah, a magic wand!" he said, picking it up. "Alakazam! I command you to have an orgasm!" he intoned, pointing the grotesque appendage at her crotch.

"Uhhh!" Beverly moaned, falling back in her chair.

"I command you to come again!" Ricky shouted, happy that she was playing along.

"Uhhh!"

"And again!"

"Unnnnghhh!"

Ricky laughed like a mad scientist, but he stopped when he saw that Beverly wasn't. Normally she'd be rolling on the floor along with him, but now she was just laying against the couch, gasping.

"You okay there, Beverly?"

"What... the fuck... did you do?" she panted.

"Hey, just playing around." He helped her to her feet. "You alright?"

She reached out to touch the phallic emblem and thought it looked a little... larger than before. She snatched her hand back.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Please don't do that again, I don't think I could stand up if you did."

"You mean you were actually... " he let it go unsaid.

"Erm... yeah," she said, a little embarrassed.

"Hey, cool!"

"Not cool!" she said. "Where did you get that thing, anyway?"

"That new New Age store."

"Hmm... well, I've got to get going."

"Already?"

"Yeah," she said, finishing off her wine. "You keep that thing though, okay? Leave it on your coffee table or something."

"Sure, I'll keep it." Ricky got up to see her to the door. "It'll make a nice conversation piece. I'll see you tomorrow, though, okay?"

"Yeah, wouldn't miss it."

Beverly left, a little flustered, but Ricky didn't think she was actually angry at him. Hey, how was he to know that the thing actually worked - if it actually had worked and she wasn't just yanking his chain.

Picking it up, he decided to test it. It was a little bulky, but it fit in his jacket pocket easily enough. It was only ten o'clock and it was Saturday, so there would still be people out. "Okay, Mister Dong, let's take you for a little test run." He grabbed his wallet and keys and set out into the night.

Ricky didn't really believe in magic - that was Beverly's forté, not his. What he believed in was results, and if something worked, then he believed in it. Seeing was believing for Ricky, and what he'd seen tonight had one of two explanations - either Beverly was taking the piss and faking it, or she really had orgasmed. He intended to find out which of the two was the truth.

He reached Royal Avenue - the main street of inner-city Turnam - without incident. The traffic was relatively light, but enough to slow progress through he city to a rapid crawl. Waiting at a red light, he spied a pretty young thing in the next lane. She looked frustrated at the delay, and looked at her watch over and over. Her longish blonde hair stuck to her forehead with sweat despite the mid-autumn coolness and slight bite to the night air.

Ricky pulled the bulky phallus from his pocket and aimed it low, just above the seat. He didn't want anyone to see him brandishing a big fake dick, so pulled a chamois from his glove box and draped it over the appendage.

"Come," he whispered.

With her windows up, he couldn't hear the girl's response, but he could certainly see it. She went rigid immediately and her fingers clutched the steering wheel for dear life. With her mouth hanging open she spasmed and writhed, slowly coming back to herself as the light changed to green. A honk from the car behind startled her out of her post-orgasmic haze and she hit the accelerator too hard, taking her from Ricky's view with a squeal of tyres. A similar honk from behind his own car signalled the traffic light's change in his own lane, and he hurriedly made a right and headed off down the arcade.

The thing that surprised him the most was the fact that he wasn't surprised. A silly grin stuck to his face as he drove, realising that he'd expected it to work all along. He didn't know how, but he knew that he'd known it wouldn't fail him. Traffic slowed again, so he was able to check out the women on his side of the road. A gorgeous, long-legged redhead strode along in high heels. The thin strip of cloth around her waist more resembled a belt than a skirt, and her blouse was open nearly all the way to her navel, revealing plenty of cleavage. He wondered if she'd be able to keep balance in those heels while coming. Time to find out.

"Come."

She wobbled on her feet, but managed to keep standing. A small crowd of onlookers gawked at her orgasmic dance and Ricky laughed. He hadn't even been pointing it at her that time. Did he even have to speak aloud?

Come, he thought at a female onlooker. Now all eyes were on her as her surprised moan hit the air. Perfect. A group of three guys standing near her were obviously enjoying the spectacle. The tallest of the three - a long-haired Gothic type- stood with an ear-to-ear grin, while his friends laughed hysterically. An evil idea struck, and Ricky aimed the rod in their general direction. A moment later all three were drawing laughs from the crowd as they spasmed, sending one's glasses clattering to the pavement. A grin lit Ricky's face as he imagined how they’d explain the stains in their pants.

He figured he'd have more fun on foot and decided to ditch his car for awhile. A parking garage seemed the only place for Ricky to find a park in the crowded city, so he pulled into a multi-level place he used about a block from where he worked. Swiping his card in the magnetic reader at the gate, he left his car in his usual spot and set out on foot, trying his best to conceal the cylindrical bulge in his jacket pocket.

What would be the best place to find a girl to experiment on? The street was too open, and seedy bars weren't his scene. The sound of pulsing dance music caught his attention, and he smiled. The local dance club was a little teeny, but he wouldn't look too out of place there. With a grin on his face and a firm grip on the phallus in his pocket he crossed the street and went inside.

The lighting inside was dim, with spiralling machines sending dazzling blades of coloured light into the crowd. He waited a moment at the bottom of the stairs, then crossed the threshold into the club. The place was alot louder than he remembered it to be, but the people seemed happy enough with the ear-rending volume. He remembered instantly why he’d never frequented such places in his younger years. A drink was definitely in order, so he took a space in line for the bar, shouting his order to the overworked bartender when it was finally his turn. Spying an empty table - a lucky find at this hour of the night - he took a place near the wall and sat unobtrusively, hoping not to be caught out with the oversized sex-toy in his possession.

A girl across the room made eye contact a few times while she danced, seeming to invite him out onto the floor. Normally he might've taken the hint and accepted her silent offer - he actually wasn't a bad dancer - but tonight he had other plans. He winked at her instead and let her see him play his eyes up and down over her semi-nude body. A too-tight tube top squeezed her plump breasts, making him wonder how they'd feel in his hands. Her jeans were equally tight, pressing the spot between her legs suggestively and making the package all the more inviting. Just now he felt rather envious of those jeans. He'd found his quarry.

You're very attracted to me, he thought at her, wondering if that would be enough. Her eyes flashed back to him immediately, and kept looking at him for the rest of the song.

You want me.

She turned so that she was facing him and wiggled her luscious body with the ridiculously fast beat of the next song. She writhed and wriggled, turning in a slow circle so he could survey the rest of her. He sat sipping his drink, rewarding her with a smile. The girl left her friends behind on the dance floor and came up to his table.

"Hi," she said brightly as she pushed back her hair. "You mind if I sit down?"

"Not at all," Ricky gestured to an empty seat, and she took it. "Tired?"

"Yeah. It's so hot out there! I need a drink to cool me down." She fanned at her face with her hands.

"Then I'll go get you one. I'm Ricky, by the way."

"Susan," she answered with a smile.

"I couldn't help seeing you out there. You're a good dancer." You're horny.

"Thanks," said Susan, blushing a little at the compliment. "And I'm so horny! Oh my God!" she covered her mouth with her hands. "I can't believe I just said that!"

"Hey, it's only natural," laughed Ricky. "Can I help you with that?" You're getting wetter by the second. You need it now.

"I'm just so wet! I need a good- " she clapped her hands over her mouth again in horror. "Oh, I don't know what's come over me! I'm so sorry!"

"That's okay. Can't help but speak your mind." You want me to fuck you. "Still want that drink?"

"No, I want you to fuck me. Right now." Susan's eyes bugged. "I mean, uh, oh shit." She paused, obviously going though some internal conflict, then leaned in close. “Will you?"

"Sure."

"Then let's go!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him toward the exit. Ricky had to run to keep up with her.

"My car's this way," he gestured to the garage and led the way.

"I don't want you to think that I'm some kind of slut," Susan said as they walked. "I don't know what's come over me. All I can think of is, is..."

"Fucking?"

"Yeah, fucking," she laughed. "Fucking fucking fucking!"

By now they'd reached the parking garage and were running up stairs to the next level. On impulse Ricky shoved her to the wall and pressed himself against her. She responded instantly and her tongue was between his lips in moments. He wondered how far she'd go and decided to go ahead at full speed. He undid her jeans with some difficulty and was pleased when he felt her doing the same with pants. With a little help he managed to get the denim skin down past her thighs, and with an impatient growl she kicked off her sandals and pulled one leg free. Her foot hadn't touched the floor before he lifted her, pressing his bulging cock against her panties. She slipped them aside and he was inside her. They both gasped as he pushed his whole length in with one brutal stroke. Susan's head tilted back against the wall, her hands roaming back along its concrete surface as though she was groping it.

She hadn't been kidding when she'd said she was wet.

They were both too hot to start slow, and within a few sweaty minutes both were trying vainly to keep quiet. She slid up and down the wall in time with his strokes, growing faster and faster until she cried out. Ricky's hand covered her mouth as he stifled his own groaning orgasm with her tits.

"More," she begged breathlessly. "Again."

"When we get there," Ricky panted, regretfully pulling his dick from her hot sheath. Their mingled juices were still wet on his cock when he put it away. He didn't care.

"Oh shit!" squealed Susan.

"What?" croaked Ricky, a little too loud. Horrible thoughts of her forgetting to tell him she was an AIDS patient, or having forgotten her pill flashed through his mind. She pointed upward, and he followed her shaking hand to the security camera pointing dead at them. Instead of being nervous or embarrassed, Ricky felt a somewhat guilty pleasure at knowing they'd been watched the whole time. He waved at the little voyeur, figuring that if anyone was watching they'd have enjoyed the spectacle as much as he had... well, almost as much. He pointedly zipped his fly up and took Susan's hand.

"Come on, before someone comes!" he said, dragging her off in the direction of his ride. They giggled like schoolkids, and it struck Ricky that it'd been a long time since he'd felt so young. He wasn't old, mind you, but the cares and responsibilities of adult life had made him forget how much fun it was to get caught having some covert nookie. Memories of his high school days came to the fore, but he pushed them down as his key hit the lock. He'd have time for reminiscing later. Right now he was busy making some great memories for later!

The tyres squealed as he gunned the engine and propelled them toward the exit. He needn't have worried. The lone guard sitting in the booth gave them both a wide grin as Ricky swiped his card. Ricky gave a little salute as he floored the accelerator.

"Oh my God, I can't believe we just did that!" Susan gushed when they hit the traffic lights. "He's gonna' show that tape to everyone!"

"I kinda' hope so," Ricky chuckled. "Hey, look at it this way. Now you're famous!" Susan had to laugh at that.

"God, I feel like such a slut!" she giggled.

"Does it feel good?"

She thought about it a moment. "Yeah!" she admitted, sounding a little surprised. They both laughed.

"Then why fight it? So long as it feels good it can't be all bad, can it?"

"Hell, no!"

"Then you've got nothing to worry about. Besides, I'd never call you a slut." He paused a moment. "Scratch that, you're a slut... and I like it!"

The pretty teen growled playfully and bit his earlobe. She ran her tongue up and down the outside, breathing hot on his neck and generally making it very hard for Ricky to drive. As a matter of fact, she was making it very hard, full stop.

"My place or yours?" she purred into his ear.

"You've got a place?" Ricky asked in surprise.

"I'm twenty one, big guy, I don't live at home," she breathed into his ear, sending shivers down his spine. "And we've got the whole place to ourselves," she whispered seductively.

"Your place," Ricky decided.

"Okay, then. Take a right two streets down."

As if it wasn't difficult enough concentrating on the road with this sex-crazed girl on his shoulder, she complicated matters still more by leaning over and unzipping his fly. Suddenly Ricky was very glad he drove an auto. He wouldn't want to hit her head with the gear stick.

Beverly had slipped a Viagra or two into Ricky’s coffee once. As luck would have it, he was in a rush to get to work at the time, and she’d stopped by for no apparent reason. It took around half an hour to kick in, which meant he was sitting at his desk when a massive beanstalk of an erection had sprouted from his crotch. Being a guy, he’d tucked it up under his belt and snuck off to the bathroom for a moment to get rid of the offending throbber, but it didn’t go down. He flogged the Bishop again, and still it had refused to budge. After setting a personal record for petting the one-eyed python, he gave up and staggered out of the bathroom, looking somewhat flushed and rather out of breath. His boss thought he looked sick and sent him home, leaving Ricky free to hammer his tool for around an hour and a half before he gave up and left it alone. Right now, he was wondering if Beverly was up to her old tricks.

Ricky’s fingers dug into the flesh of Susan’s backside as he pushed his cock deep inside her for the third time of the evening. This, of course, wasn’t counting the blowjob he’d received on the way over, which brought the total orgasm count to four. His eyes rolled back into his head as he wondered where the stamina – much less the jism – was coming from. Susan’s pussy still felt exquisitely tight, despite the fact that she was utterly soaked, and she moaned deeply as she arched her back and pressed back hard.

“In me, baby,” she whimpered, twisting the sheets in her fingers as she bent over her bed. Her face was pressed down into the mattress and her muffled cries rose with each thrust as he pounded her hard and slow, savouring every moment as he eased his fat prick nearly all the way out, and out then slammed it in. He pumped her hard and fast for a moment, bringing her close to orgasm, then abruptly pulled his dick out and stroked it in his fist. Susan moaned in disappointment.

An evil grin spread on his face as an idea took hold, and he couldn’t resist. He reached down beside the bed and took the dong out of his jacket pocket.

"Wanna' try something?"

"Sure," she said, looking over her shoulder. "I'm up for anything!"

"Alright, then. Here it comes!" He held up the dildo for her to see, and her eyes bugged.

"Wow, it's big!" she said.

"Still want to try it?"

She licked her lips and nodded.

She flipped over onto her back and spread her legs wide. Our hero was no John Holmes, but he wasn’t hung like a pygmy, either. Still, the wooden member spread her further than he had, and he wondered if he’d be able to fit it in there. The head slipped inside without too much resistance, then he eased an inch more, watching her face as he applied pressure. All of a sudden all hell broke loose.

"OH MY GOD!" she wailed at the top of her lungs, and thrashed about on the bed like a lunatic out of his straight jacket. "Uh, uh, unnnnngh! Fuck fuck fuck! Oh, shit YES!" She was coming, and she was coming hard! Seconds later she hit another, and then another. The dildo wriggled in her pussy, and she scrabbled at her crotch as she came once more. Eventually her moans subsided and she fell into a quasi-silence, with her lungs taking great bites out of the air. On inspection, Ricky realised that she was asleep.

"...fuck!" Ricky exclaimed, and pulled it out slowly. It really was a magic dick! He looked at its now slippery surface with a newfound respect.

The dildo in his hand trembled a little, then elongated and bent slightly.

"Yaaaaawwwwwn," it yawned, stretching in his hand. "Well, that was bracing. Say, what's the date?"

Ricky was so shocked he almost dropped the thing. "Uh, it's May 25th, 2002."

"Really? Oh, my. I've been asleep for almost seven years!"

"Asleep?"

"Yes, I was in an unpleasant situation and decided to wait it out in slumber. You woke me up with that nice round of fucking, though. Thanks, I needed that."

"What... are you?"

"I am the Magical Rod of Fornication," the Magical Rod of Fornication announced proudly. "I control the sexual forces of each and every human being I come into contact with."

"That's why she went so wild back there?"

"Uh huh. She was ripe for it, and it's been awhile since I've been inside a nice, pretty girl. I think we both needed it."

"Ummm hmmmmmmm..." Ricky set the Rod down on the nightstand and pulled his pants on. For some reason he didn't want to be naked in front of a talking wooden cock. "Okay, you make women come. What else do you... do?"

"Every once in awhile I come in contact with a magician like yourself and I serve him for as long as he wishes. Usually until his death." it gave a laugh. "Nobody wants to get rid of something that can give them amazing sex with any woman of their choice."

"A magician? I'm not a magician."

"Are you sure? How did you find me, then?"

"I just saw you at a New Age store and thought you'd make a good gag gift. I pointed you at my friend and said 'Alakazam! Have an orgasm!' and she came over and over."

"Hmmm... a natural mage. I don't see too many of you,” it mused. He could imagine it stroking its chin… if it had one. “Usually the only people who recognise me are the ones who've been trained to see. No matter. I'm yours now, and am happy to serve you." It bent almost double as it gave a little bow.

"Uh, okay."

"Don't worry, it'll all get easier as we go along. Is this where you live?"

"No, this is her house," Ricky gestured to the soundly sleeping woman on the bed. She was smiling. "I guess I should take you home. Can I, uh, stick you in my pocket? I think I'd look pretty weird, walking around town with a big wooden dildo."

"Of course, that will be fine."

He picked it up gingerly and placed it in his jacket pocket. Creeping out the door, he reached his car without incident and placed the Rod of Fornication on his seat.

"Okay, away we go," he said, unable to think of anything else to say. The Rod said nothing.

He hit the highway, and in his haste to get home, sped. Just a little. The flashing red and blue lights and wail of a Police car's siren brought him to a halt.

"Fuck fuck FUCK!" he muttered under his breath. He took out his wallet as the officer got out of his car and came to the window.

"You were doing about twenty over the limit there, son," the officer remarked, shining a torch inside. The light lit upon the Rod, and he exclaimed, "Eugh! What the hell is that?"

"Er, it's my girlfriend's," Ricky said quickly. "Sort of a gag-gift."

"You got your girlfriend a dildo as a gift?" the officer said, taking out his notebook and shaking his head. "Licence, please."

Ricky pulled it from his wallet and was just about to hand it over when the officer stiffened, a funny look passing over his face.

"You know what?" the cop said hurriedly, "consider this an official warning. Drive safely," and with that he ran back to the chaser and roared off. In seconds the receding beacons of his tail lights dwindled into the distance.

"What the hell was that all about?" Ricky wondered aloud.

"It was me," piped up the Rod of Fornication. "I gave him the unbearable urge to go have a wank. He'll have his dick out before he gets too far."

"Oh. Uh, cool trick."

"I thought so."

He pulled back onto the road and headed off - a little slower this time. A little way down the highway he spotted a McDonalds and something occurred to him.

"Uh, hey, Rod of Fornication?" he said.

"Yes? You can call me Rod if you like. My previous masters always thought it appropriate."

"Rod, then. Do you eat?"

Rod laughed, and Ricky had to admit it was pretty funny, too. He couldn't quite imagine it wolfing down a Big Mac.

"No, but I'm quite partial to the odd piece of pussy every now and then. I don't mind being up a girl's arse, either."

"Do you ever, you know, 'wear the Dolmio grin'?"

"What's the 'Dolmio grin'?"

"It's where you go down on a girl when she's on her period."

"I don't mind it. What's Dolmio?"

"A brand of pasta sauce."

"That's disgusting."

"I know," Ricky laughed.

"It was the 'Alora grin' last time I was awake."

"I know. They changed it. Ever hear of the 'brown frown'?"

"No, what's it mean?"

"You don't want to know."

By now they'd reached the McDonalds, and Ricky got some dinner through drive thru. He was finished it by the time he got home.

-End Chapter 1

Stay tuned for more laughs, more sex, and Rod's singing debut in:
Ricky and the Magic Rod - Chapter 2: A Man and his Rod