Early Friday morning, Ned called Toni´s office, waited for the voice mail and said, “Hi, it´s Ned. I´m busy at lunch today, so I´ll pick you up at your place tonight at seven thirty. Look forward to it. See you then.”
That evening, Ned arrived at Toni´s door precisely on time, and in an instant, Toni came out and slipped into the car. She smiled. “You weren´t taking any chances, were you? The voice mail said you called at six o´clock this morning.”
“I have to get up early – school starts at eight. Thought I´d just make sure things got off to a good start. How are you?”
“Fine. Busy, and that´s good. Where are we going? I´ve forgotten the name.”
“La Fenice. It´s an Italian place I know – the owner is an old friend of mine. I think you´ll like it. The food is wonderful, I think.”
The restaurant was in a rather ordinary-looking, pseudo-mission-style shopping center at the corner of 28th Street and Iris. The head-waiter met them and took them to a table off to one side. The room was quiet, well-furnished and well-lit, the tables gleaming with napery and crystal. The kitchen was open across the side of the room and the staff was quick and able. Toni wore a long, dark dress of a heavy silk with sleeves and, surprisingly, a jewel neckline. There was a heavy choker of pearls at her neck that rested on the points of her collarbones.
As they settled into their seats, Ned said, “I want this to be a nice, quiet dinner with a woman I like a lot, Toni. What will you drink? Can I suggest something?”
Toni, looked around appreciatively and replied. “Thank you. I like it here. And yes, I´d like a Martini Rosso. “
“I forgot. You travel a lot. Good choice.” As the waiter came for their drink order, he passed the request along, ordered the same for himself. They began to read the menu. When their vermouth arrived, they each ordered a light soup and an interesting entrée from the Northern Italian cuisine; a good wine to go with it. They touched their glasses.
Toni looked at him. “You know, you terrify me. When you asked me to dinner the other day, I got a case of the jitters and almost said ‘No´. I don´t know what it is. Every time I see you I start telling you things I don´t even admit to myself.” She grinned ruefully. “This is an example. What is it you do?”
Ned replied, seriously, “I don´t do anything, Toni. I just like being with you. You´re strong, you dress beautifully, you look terrific.”
“Thank you. I don´t feel that strong, most days. And, the way I´ve been falling apart on you surely doesn´t reinforce that.”
“Yes, it does. You´ve carved yourself a niche in a tough business. That takes talent and strength and a whole lot else. And yet, there´s a kind of vulnerability about you that offsets your strength. Makes you human and fun to be with. You don´t fall apart, Toni, you just say what you´re feeling. Not everyone can do that.”
“Well, my business is kind of stressful. But I love it. Staying out of the fashion side of the clothing business helps a lot, takes a lot of the hectic out of it, but I still get to be creative – within the limits of what I do. But saying what or how I feel is not my usual behavior.”
The soup arrived, served in elegant, low dishes. It looked as good as it tasted. Toni beamed. “I had no idea there was any place like this in Boulder.”
“Franco is an old friend of mine. When he quit his job in New York, I got him to come here and start another restaurant.”
They ate quietly for a moment, then Toni spoke again. “You´re unusual for a school counselor, I think. The ones I remember didn´t seem to care as much about the kids as you do.”
Ned looked thoughtful. “I´m not sure I care any more than my colleagues. I just feel as though kids need a different approach than most of us are trained to give them.”
“How does that work?”
“Well, I have an office, of course, but I try not to be in it much. Kids hate being seen going into the Counselor´s Office. I try to run into them in the halls, on the campus. Make our talk casual. Kids in high school are often wary of being ‘serious´, so I try to keep things light, but still make a point. When I have to talk serious, I try to find a place to do it that takes the stress off the subject.” He smiled and sat back. “I guess I work too hard at a low profile, but it seems to work. I think the kids trust me. That´s half the battle.”
When the main course was served, Toni looked at her steaming plate. She leaned forward, waved the vapor toward her nose and inhaled, smiling. “Wonderful,” she said. “This is a wonderful restaurant. I want to eat everything in the place.”
Ned watched her, smiling. “You confirm my prejudices, you know. In spite of yourself.”
Toni looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
“You´re a sensualist. You love colors, fabrics. Your clothes – I´m sure you make them yourself – are elegant, but they move and fit with a specially sensual look. And you love good food – I´ll bet you´re a good cook, too.”
Toni flared. “You´re crazy. Sensual? Sensualist? I never heard of such a thing. No one ever...”
“Sorry, I told you it was a prejudice. Hope you´re not angry.”
She recovered quickly and smiled. “Pretty hard to be angry over a compliment. Thank you. I´ve never thought of myself like that. Never.” She smiled momentarily, then looked at Ned ruefully, “But if you´re right, I mean about my clothes looking sensual, I´m not as good as I think I am.”
“How so?”
Toni began to eat, slowly, savoring the food. She looked at Ned as he ate, too. “I do make my own clothes. Because I can´t find any in the stores that are concealing enough. I try to dress as though I don´t have a body. If you think it looks sensual, I´ve failed – at least at that.”
Ned concentrated his eyes on his food. “Oh, they´re concealing enough. No one would think there was a female under there, if that´s what you want. But that´s really only one part of it. As I said, the fabrics, the colors, the way they´re cut – simple, direct, but very sensual. Take the dress you´re wearing. The color is rich and becoming, the material is beautiful. But, everything is intended to focus my eyes on your face and neck, not on your body. And, it works.
“Just the same, when you walk it´s clear you are long-legged, strong, with a graceful stride. The way you walk makes your clothes swing and vibrate in a way – well, it tells me that what´s inside is fit and active and healthy and... Well, just say your clothes make you look like a remarkable woman.”
Toni´s eyes had fastened on him and grew rather larger as he spoke. When he fell silent, a shiver ran through her that was clearly visible. She changed the subject, asking Ned where he had gone to college, about his youth, about anything to keep him from talking about her. Ned was aware of her attempt to distract him and responded with a synopsis of his life, his childhood on the Colorado plains, study at UC Boulder, his apprenticeships in the social services in two or three states, his decision to settle and work in the Boulder County schools. After a reasonable time, he returned to Toni.
“And, what about you? Where did you grow up?” he asked. They had finished their entrées and ordered a dessert with coffee and liqueur.
“Well.” Toni shrugged and grinned. “I´m from San Francisco. A Francisco from ‘Frisco. Not much to say about that, really.” To Ned, it sounded as though there was a lot more to say.
“Italian or Spanish?” was his reply.
Toni looked at him sharply. “Spanish. I´m surprised you know the name´s in common – really, that you know it makes a difference. My dad always said we´d been in California a lot longer than anyone knew, and he thought he could document the family back about four hundred years. Not that it made any difference. We lived in what they now call the Anglo community, simply not making an issue of our roots. Lately, I´ve begun to look a little further into that.”
“Was your mother Spanish, too?”
“No, she was – is... Well, I don´t really know what her ethnic background is – Italian, I suppose. I´ve always only thought of her as the Pope´s Daughter.” Toni looked toward Ned, her eyes focused at about the third button of his shirt. He said nothing, waiting as she paused, to see if there was more to come.
Toni went on, still focused on Ned´s shirt-front. “She came from a devout Roman Catholic family, and she´s in love with John Paul II. I mean, she reads every word he writes or says and buys every single bit of it.” Her eyes shifted upward in the general vicinity of Ned´s eyes. “My name´s not Toni. I´m Marie Antoinette. Dad wouldn´t let her name me Mary; that was as close as he´d let her get. She calls me ‘Mary´, though. Usually when she wants to tell me what I´m doing is sinful.” Toni´s eyes were back at Button Three.
“Your namesake came to a sad end. Misunderstood and caught up in events she couldn´t control.” Ned wondered to himself how well that applied to her.
Toni shifted her regard to her cup, stirring the remains. “I was luckier, I guess. No one´s tried to cut my head off.” Her grin was rueful and remote. “Dad was a big help. He helped me deal with the reality of life and showed me how to honor my mother without buying her ideas. But there´s a lot of her in my outlook on life, I guess.”
“How´d you get along in school?” Ned hoped to lighten things a little. Her reply surprised him.
“Really well. I got good marks, I had a lot of boy friends, I was reasonably popular with the girls, too. Actually, I got into a little trouble with the girls, because I... Well, let´s say they didn´t care for how I treated my... the boys.”
“How was that?” Ned prompted, quietly. He did not want to interrupt the stream that was flowing so strongly now.
“I slept with them. The girls thought that wasn´t fair; we were supposed to let them kiss us or feel us up – above the waist – or whatever, but we weren´t supposed to give anything back. I couldn´t do that. If I liked a boy a lot, I almost always ended up in bed with him. It felt good, it made us both happy – most of the time.”
“And, when it didn´t?”
“Then we´d break up. I never made a big deal about any of it. Dad taught me discretion. Showed me how keeping things low-key paid off in the long run. He taught me to stay out of the view of the morality police. But girls sense things. You can´t keep anything quiet, certainly not having sex with guys who later go on to sleep with your classmates.”
“What about your mother?”
“Well, I never really related to her all that much. Sorry, bad word: ‘related´. I didn´t talk to her much, never confided in her, just in Dad. She didn´t seem to mind, as long as I appeared to be doing the things she told me. She never really got over my not going to church, but she had to accept it after a while. No, I guess you´d say she only had a minor effect on me.”
“And after high school?” Ned asked. Their drinks were gone and he signaled the waiter to bring the check. When he looked back at Toni, her face was ashen.
“Are you all right?” Ned asked.
Toni looked at him directly, now for the first time in some minutes. “Please, Ned. Take me home... I´m... I´m feeling kind of funny.” Her face showed her distress. “I´ve said too much.” She looked briefly angry. “Damn! I said you frighten me. Now, you´ve opened me up like...” She was trembling visibly.
“I´m sorry if you´re upset, Toni. I think what you´ve said is just how a person like you would react in the kind of world you lived in. Come on, we´ll go.”
Ned left money on the table and stayed close to her as they walked to where the head-waiter stood. He said, “It was a wonderful dinner. Thanks. Tell Franco I´ll call him tomorrow.” As they went out the door, Ned took Toni´s elbow, guiding her toward the car. He opened her door and helped her settle in. When he sat behind the wheel, he started the engine, waiting for a moment as it settled down. He looked across at her. Her face was still white, her eyes were full, and she stared in front of her at her darkened reflection in the windshield.
“Something happened after high school. It has to do with college, doesn´t it?” Ned said quietly. Toni nodded, numbly. Ned eased the car out of the parking space and began driving slowly toward her apartment.
Toni´s voice was only barely louder than the sounds of the car. “Yes. I don´t know why I´m telling you this... I´ve never...
“I went to college and I loved it. I was doing fine. I got to know a bunch of girls, a few nice boys. I pledged a sorority...” Her eyes overflowed, and Ned pulled a tissue from the arm rest, handing it to her. She took it from him and mopped her face.
“I pledged a sorority. And one afternoon I was in my room and four of the girls came in.” Her voice broke. “They came in and they grabbed me. They took me into my bedroom, and they tore my clothes off me...”
Ned was turning into her street. He pulled into the space next to her car and simply stopped, turning off the lights, leaving everything else running, not wanting to disturb her torrent of emotion and revelation.
“...and they tied me to the bed. Naked. And then they began to torture me. I screamed, I tried to fight them off, but there were four of them and they were strong. They gagged me, so all I could do was moan and try to breathe. Oh, God, it was horrible.”
“What did they do when they had you helpless?”
“They tortured me. They put their hands all over me. They played with my breasts, they played with my thighs, with my... They tried everything to make me hot, and they did. They licked me, they kissed me, they touched me everywhere. They wanted to make me come, and they did that, too. I tried not to. I didn´t want them to make me do what I liked to do. But they did. And once they did, they wouldn´t stop. They made me come again and again and again. I fainted once, but they made me wake up and they went at it again. They made me come for four hours, until I was almost unconscious. Then, they untied one of my hands and left me there.”
“What did you do?”
“I slept. I was so exhausted, I slept for at least four hours. It was almost midnight when I woke up. I managed to untie myself. And, I had some food in my room, so I ate something – I was ravenous. And then I went back to sleep. But I had nightmares. I had them for weeks. I still do”
“What about the girls? Did you do anything about them?”
“No. I knew better. It was one of the biggest sororities on campus. If I´d said anything they would have trashed me. I just quit the sorority thing and put locks on my door and wore nothing but sweat suits for the rest of my time in college. I still... Oh, we´re home.” She looked at Ned, seeing him. “Ned, I´m sorry. I said I´d never told anyone this. I´m sorry it had to be you. Would you take me upstairs? I´m feeling a little shaky.”
Ned helped her out of the car and took her arm under his, leading her up the walk. He took her key from her shaking hand and opened the door. Inside, there was a hall and sets of stairs. She motioned to the ones that led to her apartment, and he led her to the door. She took her key back, her hand steady now, her body no longer vibrating from the power of her experience. She leaned slightly away from him, looking to his face.
“I can´t stop here, Ned,” she said. “Can you take a minute to hear the rest?”
Ned nodded and followed her into the apartment; she turned on one or two lights in the living room. Toni disappeared briefly, returning with large glasses of water. They sat on the sofa, and Toni pulled her knees up under her skirt at the end of it, looking into her glass before resuming her quiet monologue.
“I said I have nightmares. They´re always re-plays of that afternoon. I wake up soaking wet and exhausted. They went on constantly for about three months, then they mostly stopped. But I´d still wake up in the night soaking wet and knowing that I´d been having...” She looked quickly at Ned, then back into her glass. “That I´d been having orgasms, one after another.
“I kept my door locked. I wore sweat suits and clothes that made me look like a middle-class bag lady. No one talked to me, none of the boys I´d gotten to know said ‘Boo´ to me. I made myself as unattractive as I could. And I stayed away from the girls – the women – who´d raped me, who´d taken my...” She hesitated, ground to a halt.
“What did they take, Toni? They violated you, they invaded you. What did they take from you?”
“Ned, they took something from me. I was never the same again. I´m not who I was before they did it. I spend my whole life hiding.”
“What do you have to hide?”
Toni thought. She drank from her glass. “I made up my mind that it would never happen again. I wore clothes that looked awful. I avoided every possible social thing I could. I locked every door I went through. I got through college, I went to work. As soon as I could, I went on my own, so I could avoid people. I had to wear better clothes, but I made ones that cover me… Look at that door.” She gestured at the door to her apartment. There were three different locks on it, and she suddenly got off the sofa and went to it, fastening two dead-bolts and a chain. When she turned to resume her seat, she looked at Ned, a rueful, sad smile crossing her face.
“That´s what it´s been ever since.” She waved a dismissive hand, “Yes, I´ve done well in my work, started my own business. I´m doing all right, if all you look at is my balance sheet. I lost something that afternoon. I know I did.”
“You don´t seem to know what. Have you tried to find it, anyway?”
“I don´t know what exactly. I thought maybe if... Well, I went out and found a nice young man and took him to bed. But I was like an iceberg. He did his best, but it was a waste of time. I never saw him again. I tried it again a couple of times, but no luck. Every time, I´d freeze. I gave up years ago. But it doesn´t help.”
“Why not?”
“Because I still wake up mornings in the last stages of an orgasm. I have dreams that would make a whore blush. They did something to me, Ned. I´m still feeling the effects.”
“That´s clear. What´s not clear is what it is that really happened to you. You´ve told me this much. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions? If I can, I´d like to help, but I can´t make any promises – except that I´ll keep your secrets.”
Toni moved to the center of the sofa and took Ned´s hand in hers. She looked in his eyes. “I don´t know why, but I trust you, Ned. I don´t know whether to apologize for dumping this on you, or what. But it can´t hurt to talk a little while. I just don´t think it´ll do much good. But, thanks.”
Ned took the glass from her hand and put it on the table in front of them. He took both her hands in his, gently. “Can you think back to that afternoon?” Toni closed her eyes. Her body tensed. She murmured, “It´s never far away, Ned. Yes, I can go back there.” She looked at him again. “I try not to.”
“Try it now. Go back to that time, to the feeling you had when they were playing with you, and let me ask you some things.”
Toni slumped against the back of the sofa, not removing her hands from Ned´s light touch. Her eyes closed and her body tensed, a sheen of perspiration beginning to appear on her forehead. After a few moments, she said, “Umm.”
“You can feel yourself as you were then,” Ned said, speaking slowly and quietly, “tied down, naked, with their hands and mouths on your body. You feel the sensations they are giving you.” He waited as shivers ran through her. “There is no gag in your mouth. Tell me what´s happening; how it feels.”
Toni´s head was against the back of the sofa. She was sweating now. “Oh... She´s going to... She´s put her fingers inside me. I feel her rubbing me. She´s doing it again, just like she did before... Oh, Oh, Oh, GOD! I´m coming again. It just doesn´t stop. I can´t believe it! Oh...” Eyes closed, she shuddered, gasping for breath, and incredibly, her face was wreathed in a glowing smile of ecstasy.
Ned held her hands, “Now, they´ve stopped for a while, you don´t hear them around you anymore, and your hands and feet are free,” he said. “Let the feeling go through you. Let it take you... Tell me how you feel.”
Eyes still closed, Toni murmured, “It feels incredible. Like my whole body is on fire and I´m falling, and it´s...” Her eyes sprang open, momentarily unfocused, then seeing Ned. Her face turned red beneath the layer of sweat that ran to her throat.
“My God,” she said, almost whispering. “I feel wonderful. How can that be? What have you done?”
“Nothing. You´ve done something. What is it you´re feeling?”
“I feel like I just had the most wonderful sex ever. It´s unbelievable. I feel relaxed, wiped out. And complete.”
“You enjoyed what just happened.”
“Yes. Yes. I did. Are you trying to tell me I enjoyed that?” She was too content, too tired to be outraged.
“No, not then. You were fighting, you were restrained, you were being taken by force. You didn´t enjoy that – it was rape. But something else happened. You had an incredible sexual experience you never knew could happen. You were in sexual ecstasy for hours. You´ve never forgotten that, either.”
“All I remember is the violence, the taking.”
“It´s what you focused on, it´s what the whole thing represents. It let you forget what else happened. But there´s more to it for you. You did lose something – your innocence, perhaps. But you discovered something, too.”
Toni´s eyes closed again. Her color had returned to normal, the sweating ceased. She lay against the sofa back. It was several minutes before she looked at Ned again.
“I discovered something. You´re right. They took away my innocence, my concepts of normality, and they showed me something I couldn´t bear to look at.” She took his hand. “I know what that was, now. No wonder I was terrified.”
Ned smiled as he looked at her, her face serene and beautiful in her awareness. “Can you tell me what it was?”
After a moment, Toni rose to stand before him. She pulled him up off the sofa, standing so close they could feel each other´s breath on their faces. She looked into his eyes.
“I saw the full extent of my sexuality. Just how deep it goes, just how strong it is, just what its limits are. Where it starts and where it leaves off.”
Her hand went behind her back and, in a moment, her dress fell to the floor. She stood before him in her concealing slip, even more concealed by their proximity. Her hand returned and touched his cheek.
“Those boys I took to bed, Ned. There was no chance. I hadn´t realized this, this wonder.” She brought her other hand to push his jacket from his shoulders; and in response, he put his hands on her waist, drawing her to him. Their lips met, and her arms went around his neck, their tongues tasting each other´s flavors.
She pulled her mouth from his. “Do you know something?” She spoke in a whisper, her lips brushing his, her covered breasts touching him. “If you put your hands on me I´m going to have an orgasm right here.” Her lips met his again, and Ned´s hands ran gently down her flanks, cupped her buttocks, and rose along the muscles of her back until they swept forward to cup her breasts. Toni´s body shook, and she moaned into his throat, sagging against him.
After a moment, Ned opened his eyes to look directly into Toni´s pupils. He felt her mouth smile against his.
“Thank you,” she said. She stepped back from him and looked at him. “Come on,” she said, and turned, pulling him by the hand toward the bedroom. Inside, she threw back the spread and turned to him, pulling off his shirt. Ned held her waist, surreptitiously slipping off his shoes as she worked, first at his shirt, then at his belt. When his pants fell, he stepped out of them as she pulled his briefs down his legs. She took his penis in her hand, stroked it, looking at it closely, and straightened to look at him again.
“Undress me, Ned. Take these awful things off me. I don´t need them any more.”
Ned pulled the straps of her slip off her shoulders. The top fell to her waist, and he put his arms behind her to undo the clasp of her bra. As soon as it was loose, she swept it off her chest and let it fall. She leaned back from the waist, rubbing and thrusting at her breasts. “Look at them, Ned. Touch them. They´re ready to burst.”
Ned caressed, then sipped at her nipples as his hands pulled her slip over her waist. He caught her panties with his thumbs as he came to them, and soon the concealing fabrics puddled on the floor around her ankles. Her stomach was flat, her thighs demanding as they framed her prominent sex. On the bed, Toni said, “Make me come again, Ned. Take me where I belong.”
.oOo.
Later, they separated to let the moisture dry, the heat subside. Ned kissed the side of her neck. “Thank you, Toni. Thank you.”
“Put your hand here,” she said. “Hold me. Squeeze me. Make me hot again. And thank you. Thank you for setting me free.”
“Not me, Toni. You did it yourself. It just took looking at different things for a change.”
“I know what it was, now. That afternoon. Yes, they raped me. But then they put me in heaven. I loved it, every minute.”
“Did you?”
“Yes, in a way. I hated what they were doing to me – violating me. But the orgasms... going on and on... I had to concentrate on the violence to keep from accepting the ecstasy. I guess my Mom did a better job than she thought.”
“Don´t blame her, it was a natural reaction to a really horrible situation.”
“But now, it´s better. I hope it stays that way. I don´t want to go back to that. It´s been so... So lonely... Can we do it again, yet?... Can you stay?... Oh, yes. Yes.”
.oOo.
When, next morning, they had exhausted Ned´s resources, Toni rolled off him, pressing herself, damply, against his side. She lifted her head, kissed his lips and said, “I´m hungry. What do you want to eat? How about some eggs and muffins?”
Without waiting for an answer, she jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. Ned had just got his legs over the side of the bed when she was back.
“Look at me! Running around naked! I never closed the blinds last night, the light was on all night and the bedroom door wasn´t locked and I feel wonderful!” She disappeared toward the kitchen.
Ned went to the bathroom and made a pass at his hair, then wandered into the kitchen, standing in the doorway as Toni popped a tray of muffins into the oven and started bacon, eggs. Waiting for them, she leaned nakedly against the counter, smiling radiantly at Ned.
“I can hardly believe how wonderful I feel. Thank you. Very much.”
Ned went to her, took her in his arms and held her tight. “I didn´t do anything but be there when you were ready, Toni. It was wonderful, and I´m glad you chose me. I think this has been coming on for a long time.”
“Well, it took you. And it´s happened. And I´m free...” She gave him a sideways look, rubbed her breasts against him and said, “‘Great God Almighty, I´m free at last.´... That´s awful.” She giggled into his shoulder.
“You´ll have some problems now and then, you know. But the worst is over. Just hold on to the feelings you got last night.”
“I tried, Ned, but you kept ...” She grinned, then looked contrite. “No, you were wonderful. Wonderful. I loved it. I want more.” The timer dinged and she went about serving the muffins and breakfast. They sat at the table in the kitchen, her naked thigh pressed against his.
“When we get organized, Ned,” she said, “I need to do some shopping, and I think I want to be alone tonight. I´ve got to do some thinking. Is that all right? I really don´t know what to do right now, I´ve never had a lover who spent the night – I´m all out of synch. Oh, and did I mention? I never stopped taking the pill.”
“Yes, I´m glad to say, you told me last night, somewhere in between… And anyway, Toni, it´s fine. Let´s go do our shopping and then you spend the time you need for yourself. It´s the right decision. When you need to talk some more, you can call me. I´ll be around all weekend.”
“Well, the Rockies are playing tomorrow. You´ll want to watch the game.”
“Maybe. Depends on what else comes up.”
Toni laughed and reached into his lap. In a moment, he was hard; she pulled him up from the chair.
“Here, Ned. Right here in the kitchen. Fuck me here... I can´t believe it´s me saying that.”
Eventually, they showered, dressed and emerged from the front door, got into their cars and headed to the Safeway on Canyon. Toni wore a light sweat suit in the warm Colorado sunshine. They did their shopping, put their purchases in their cars and hugged and kissed for a long moment before they parted.