Christmas was just what I needed. Restful, happy. The whole study group was home, we had a wonderful reunion. We found we all had new friends, new lovers. We were just as close, but somehow we didn´t end up in bed. On the other hand, Frank, a junior now, was busy catching up with his old girlfriends, some of whom spent the night. Ralph had his own girls, usually in the afternoon.
I spent hours with Mom and Dad, telling them about college, the group, our plans for Still Waters Art. I had a folder of Will´s latest drawings Alex had made copies of, including some of the Nudes and Erotics of me. The whole family loved them. So do I.
The Explicits got a different reception. I wasn´t prepared for it, but it was clear Mom preferred to think I wasn´t one of the models. We were looking through them and I could see her getting horny. We came to a bald mons: mine.
“She shaved for this?” Mom asked.
Dad caught my eye. He was watching me.
“Looks like it, doesn´t it?” I said. I made a note of that, and let it go.
We had family Christmas dinner. After we cleaned up, Mom and Dad took a love break. Frank, Ralph and I went upstairs, too.
“Where´s that folder of pictures of you?” Frank wanted to know.
“Dunno. Not here.”
“I saw it in Mom and Dad´s room when we went by,” Ralph said. “They´d been looking at it.”
“Don´t worry,” I told Frank, “we´ll borrow it back later.”
.oOo.
On December 29, Marianne and Martin had just left, and I was just settling into bed. I was dropping off when my phone rang.
“Anne, it´s Mary. I´m at Denver airport. Can I come and stay with you a while?” Her voice was on the edge of breaking. I knew she was almost ready to scream and cry.
“Sure. Of course. What plane are you taking? When does it get here, I´ll meet you.”
“Oh, Anne, thank you. I´d have had to go back to school; I couldn´t bear that. It´s Flight 63, gets there at 3:47. Oh God, I can´t do that, get you out of bed at three o´clock. I´ll get a room, you pick me up in the morning.”
“Mary, shut up. I will meet your plane here at 3:47 or whenever it gets here. You be on it or I´ll hunt you down and kill you.”
“Oh, Anne. I love you.”
“Me too. What happened? Or should I wait?”
“Mom went nuts. I´ll tell you when I see you. Bye.” She hung up.
I went to Mom and Dad´s room. They were still awake, so I sat on the end of the bed.
“What´s up?” Dad asked. Mom was sprawled all over his chest.
“Mary called. Said her mother went off her rocker.”
“You ask her to come here?”
“She called to ask if she could. I said, ‘of course´. I´m going to meet her plane, quarter of four this morning.”
“Good, you did the right thing. Need us for anything?”
“No. Just don´t call the cops when you hear noises in the early morning.”
I went back to my room, set the alarm and called the airline. They expected the plane to be on time. When the alarm woke me I took a quick shower. I drove to the airport and got some machine coffee while I waited for the plane to land.
Mary looked gaunt, red-eyed – not just from the late hour. She had a wild look in her eye, like The Bay in that picture.
“God, you look good. How do you manage it?” she said.
I took her in my arms and hugged her. “Come on, hon. I´ll take you home.”
We were both pretty quiet on the way. When we got to the house, the lights were on downstairs. We took off our coats, put Mary´s bag in the front hall. Mom was in the kitchen in that silly tee-shirt that leaves her ass bare. There was hot chocolate in a pot and she was stirring something. She came to us, took Mary in her arms.
“I´m so glad you came to us, Mary. Sit down, eat something. I´ll bet you´re starving.”
Mary´s face brightened some. “I am. I forgot about dinner and there´s no food on the plane.” She sat down suddenly. “I just cried. All the way.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Anne, tissues, please. Mary, have some of this chicken soup. And here´s some corn muffins.”
“Mom, you sound like Saul with your chicken soup.”
“We got more from the Jews than Jesus, Anne.”
Mary mopped her face, blew her nose and started putting the soup away. She ate soup and muffins like a starving person, drinking cocoa by the cup and glass after glass of water.
“I´ll probably pee all night. Thanks. I did need that.”
“Do you want to talk, Mary? Or sleep first?”
“I guess I better get some sleep, Anne. I´m not really rational right now, and lack of sleep won´t help. Talk tomorrow. You got a spare bed?”
“You want to sleep alone? Or with me?”
“Oh, Anne. With you. I´ve been sleeping alone for more than a week. You know I hate it. You don´t mind, Ms. Stilwell?”
“Sandy, Mary. Of course not. Hasn´t Anne told you how we live here?”
“Yes. Just wanted to make sure. Thanks”
We went to bed about five, slept till noon. As we snuggled in, Mary drew me close and whispered ‘Thank you´ in my ear and fell dead asleep. I lay wakeful for a while, then dropped off myself. Off and on, as I dozed and Mary slept, I could feel her tears run down my skin.
When we woke, I hugged Mary for a long time, wordlessly. Finally, she got up. “Gotta pee.” When she came back, I was sitting on the edge of the bed. She pulled on a pair of panties.
“I´m hungry again. And I need to talk.”
I put on a tee-shirt and we went downstairs. Mom was putting away the remains of lunch. She was wearing a singlet. When she saw Mary in her lacy jazz pants, she pulled off her singlet and gave it to Mary.
“Well, you look a lot better than you did last night. Put this on, you´re worse than naked in those panties. I might make a pass at you myself, and Frank will be along soon.”
She grabbed a tee-shirt from the laundry basket and put it on while Mary struggled into the singlet. Mom is a size smaller than me, and in her own panties and Mom´s singlet Mary looked like her body had simply been covered with white paint. She grinned at me and sat down at the table. It was the first time she´d lightened up, but it didn´t last.
Mom started putting together eggs and bacon and toast for us. Mary drank coffee with a thousand-mile stare.
When the food was in front of us, Mary and I dug in. Mom sat down with us.
“Whenever you´re ready, Mary. Tell us about it,” she said.
Mary ate for a while, and some of the far-away faded from her eyes.
“Christmas was great. I´ll tell you about that later. I got home from the ranch last night. Went to my room. Mom was there. She´d searched my room and found the folder Alex made for me. Like yours, Anne. Have you seen it, Sandy?”
“Yes. I loved it. Joe and I have it by our bed when the kids don´t steal it.”
Mary sort of snorted. “Huh.” She shook her head, looked at me and smiled ruefully.
“Well, anyway, you know what was in it, then. She had it open on my dresser. When she saw me, she closed it and waved it at me and started screaming. Her eyes were wilder than any horse or animal I´ve ever seen. She called me everything she could think of. Whore, Slut, Bitch, a lot more. The worst thing she could think of was to call me ‘Un-chaste´. That´s a little weird, but that´s her. I dodged her and locked myself in my room. She started banging on the door and kept on screaming. Sometimes I couldn´t make out what she was saying, she just howled.
“I packed my bag. And called a taxi. I wasn´t sure how I was going to get out when the cab came, you know? She was raging up and down outside my room. Hitting the door. I thought about yelling back at her, but I knew that wouldn´t work. I thought about slugging her, knocking her down so I could escape. I really did. And for a minute I really wanted to. But I couldn´t have, really.”
Mary was crying again. I shoved a box of tissues across the table.
“Then I saw Dad´s car come in the driveway. I wasn´t sure what that was going to mean. I mean I didn´t know if he was going to help mom or just fade into the background like he always has, or what. But I knew I had to leave right then. No more time. So I grabbed my suitcase and opened my door. Mom was just starting to hammer on it with the folder again. She almost got me, but I ducked. I really believe that, if she could have, she would have hit me with it. I got around her and ran down the stairs.
“Dad was in the front hall, wondering what was going on. Mom followed me down, still screaming and trying to hit me. She started calling him names, too. I dodged around Dad, headed for the door. He had his coat off. Then he called my mom´s name. I´ve never heard him speak like that. You know how, in the movies, these sergeants say things so you feel like you have to do it? Voice of command. Anyway that was Dad. Not shouting. Made me stop, too, before I got the door open.
“He called her name and she shut up and stopped in her tracks. He told her to go sit down and wait for him. She did it. I couldn´t believe it. And Dad took me in his arms and held me. I can´t remember the last time he did that.
“Anyway I told him I was going to come here, and he told me to go ahead, let him know where I was... Oh, I need to call him and leave a message. Anyway. That´s it. The cab came, I got to the airport and called you, Anne.”
Mom said, “Call right now. Get that out of the way, then let´s talk.”
Mary called, left a message that she had gotten here safely, left the number. We took coffee into the living room. I brought the box of tissues. Mary and I took the couch, Mom sat in her favorite armchair.
“Anne. I can´t thank...”
“Shut up, Mary.”
“You too, Sandy.”
“Mary, at Thanksgiving and since she´s been home now, Anne´s talked about nothing but you and the rest of your gang. You´re as much a part of our family as Frank and Ralph. You do for family. That´s all. Now, you´ve told us what happened. I want to know how you feel.”
“Rotten.”
“How, rotten? What kind of rotten?”
“I always... mom and Dad took good care of me. They really have always wanted what´s best for me and really let me do mostly what I want. But we´ve never been close. I live with them. I love them both...”
We waited while she snuffled and blew and thought.
“…I´ve been here, what? Less than twelve hours. And you´re more family to me than they are.”
The tears streamed down her face, fell unheeded between her breasts. The singlet was getting wet.
“Shit,” she said. “All my life, mom´s been on my case. Be chaste. Wear a bra. Don´t show your legs. Don´t be pretty. Stay away from boys... Be... Fucking... Chaste.” She pounded the arm of the sofa with each word.
“And Dad never said a word. He let it all go down, never interfered. Let her do it to me.
“And then, last night. I don´t believe it. He faced her down. The bastard. Why now? Where the hell has he been?” Mary was sobbing. I moved over and put my arm around her. She put her head on my shoulder and drenched my shirt for a change. After a while, she calmed down, sat up and mopped her face and chest.
“I´ve got to call Aunt Bessie,” she said in a determined voice.
I got up and brought her the phone.
“Beth, that you? It´s Mary. I´m at Anne Stilwell´s, is Aunt Bessie there?”
She listened for some time.
“Yeah... Okay. I guess that´s good. Thanks... Tell her thanks. Here´s the number... Ask her to call, will you? Tell her I love her. I love you, too. Bye.
“Beth says Dad called last night and Bessie went down to our house. Hasn´t been back, but she called Beth and said to tell me mom´s had a sort of a breakdown, but she´ll be all right. I guess she´ll call when she can.” The tears were rolling again.
“God, I feel awful.”
Mom said, “Are you feeling like you´ve caused a lot of trouble?”
“Yes,” she sobbed.
“Has it occurred to you that, if you had been what your mother wanted, this wouldn´t have happened?”
“OH, God, yes,” Mary howled.
“Well, stop it!”
I don´t know where she learned it, but Mom knows the voice of command, too.
Mary´s head came up like a jack in the box.
“Mary, you have been yourself all your life. Your own person. You still are. You have made your own choices, taken your own risks. Your mother hasn´t given you any help. I think you got that from your aunt. You live an honest life by your own values, don´t you?”
Mary sobbed some more. I knew what was coming.
“Answer me, Mary.”
Her eyes got wide, but not frightened. “Yes. Yes, Sandy, I try to. I try real hard to love my friends and be straight and do good work... Mostly I do... I didn´t do anything wrong really, except not be what mom wanted me to be. And I couldn´t do that. I thought about it a lot, but I just couldn´t. Maybe if I´d tried harder...”
“If you had tried harder, Mary, who would you be, now?”
Mary´s tears had stopped. She looked across the room, seeing the wall, not staring into space. In a while, she said, “You´re right. Not me. Someone else. Someone I wouldn´t like to be.” She looked at me, her eyes wet, but not tearing. “I´m going to be all right. I´m going to be all right, now. It´s not over, but I can handle it now.”
She got up and went to the chair where Mom sat and dumped herself, all nine yards of her, on Mom´s lap, put her arms around her and kissed her. “I am very lucky, too. To have you and Anne and Aunt Bessie is more than any girl deserves, but I need you all, and thank you for loving me.”
“You´re welcome, Mary, but if you don´t get up, I´m going to pee all over this chair.”
We went upstairs and showered, put on some clothes and spent the rest of the afternoon looking around the neighborhood. When we got home, Dad was there. Frank and Ralph came in a little later. They were glad to see Mary, greeted her warmly. We had a good evening together.
She cried again that night. We talked the next few days, sometimes in the dark in bed, sometimes with Mom or Dad. But she was all right.
.oOo.
On New Year´s morning, Mary´s Dad called while we were getting up. I gave Mary the phone and went down to the kitchen. The phone there has a light so I would know when she hung up. Mom and I talked, waiting to see what happened.
The tell-tale went out. I sat, sort of watching the clock, and just before I started upstairs, I heard Mary coming down. She sat at the kitchen table.
“Well?”
“It was Dad. He and Aunt Bessie have been with my mother ever since I left. Bessie´s left now.”
“And?”
“Dad said... It´s hard to believe. I don´t know why nobody ever... Dad told me, well, he said that mom´s been crazy ever since I was born. He said that now, she´s getting better. The whole thing´s crazy.”
“What did he mean, she´s been crazy that long?” I asked.
“He said that, after I was born, mom went into a severe postpartum depression. Really bad: they had to watch her all the time. Went on for a couple of months. Bessie had to take care of me the whole time.
“One day, mom came out of it. Dad said she woke up one morning and told him, ‘I´m dedicating my daughter to Christ. She will be the virgin bride of Christ.´ And she went ahead and took care of me and looked after me and went back to work and all that.
“Dad said that, before she got pregnant, they´d had a normal relationship, a normal sex life – that´s how he put it – but when she recovered from her depression, she made him sleep alone and everything else I remember. He said he and Bessie both realized that what she had done was create a fantasy that she used to overcome her depression. Trouble was, it got locked in place, and she spent the next eighteen years living it. All my life.”
She was crying again. I passed tissues.
“And she´s been that way ever since. The night I left, she´d gone snooping, found the drawings, the evidence she really needed to prove I was unworthy. He said she couldn´t believe I could really be the thing she´d created, wanted me to be.”
Mom said, “Reality is a powerful thing, Mary. The strongest fantasy breaks apart against reality. She couldn´t escape it. No matter how much she wanted her fantasy to be true, reality kept creeping in.”
Mary nodded. “Dad says what she saw broke her fantasy. He and Bessie have been talking to her for the last two days and nights. He said she´s gone up and down like a yo-yo, misery, regret, anger, all that stuff I´ve been feeling, too. He says she´s going to be all right. She´ll be able to call me soon... Just... I don´t know if I´ll be able to talk to her.”
“Sounds to me like she´s going through hell, too,” Mom said.
“Yeah. Serves her right.” Mary put her head down on the table and cried. I looked at Mom. She shook her head.
After a while, Mary sat up again. She made an attempt to smile. “Is there any coffee?”
Over the edge of her mug, she looked at me, then at Mom. She set the mug down and hugged herself, put her elbows on the table.
“She put me through hell. I wanted to love her so much and she made me hate her, reject her. I had to go to her sister for everything I needed. But, it was the only way she could survive whatever it was that ate her up when I was born... At least they shoot horses when they´re that sick. Eighteen years! Two of us for eighteen years. Oh, God.” It took a long time. Then, “But maybe it´s over. Maybe I´ll have a mother one of these days.”
I got up and hugged her.
Later that day, I picked up the phone again, in the kitchen. “This is Anne.”
“Hi, Anne. Bessie Sidney. Is Mary there?”
“Aunt Bessie? Oh, I´m so glad you called. Mary´s fine, but I know she wants to talk to you.”
Mary was nearby, she came over, took the phone. “Hi, Aunt Bessie. Thanks for calling and thanks for helping Dad. You home?”
She listened for a moment. “Aunt Bessie, Anne and her mother, Sandy, are here. I´ve told them everything that happened and everything Dad told me. They´ve held me together the way you always have. Can I put you on the speaker so they can hear, too?”
“Hi, Anne, Sandy. Thank you for taking care of Mary. She´s my third child and my sister´s greatest challenge. I wish she could have come to me that night, but that might not have been wise. I´m glad she had you... I wanted to tell Mary some of the things I´ve never been able to tell her before. About what her mother and father used to be like. I´ve had to keep my trap shut for eighteen years, and now she needs to know. When I´ve covered the main points, I´ll talk to her some more.
“Mary, when your dad and mom met in college, they really fell for each other. We were Catholic, he´s not, of course, but neither of them seemed to care. They started sleeping together almost right away, and it was all anyone could do to pry those two apart. They did well in school and as soon as they graduated, they got good jobs.
“When our parents died in that car accident, she and your dad moved in together. I think they hadn´t lived together before because of them. And after a while they got married. She had a Catholic wedding, even though there wasn´t much of anyone to stand up with her. It was what she wanted. Sidney and I used to visit them down in Denver, but it was a little dicey, ´cause it always felt like you were keeping them away from their loving. They´d come up to the ranch and stay with Sidney and me and the kids, as they came along. They´d go off, out to the swimming hole in the afternoon. I was out that way one day and checked it out. They were naked and screwing like it was their first time. Made me feel good they had things working right.
“When your mom got pregnant, she was deliriously happy. She said she wanted a big family. She had an easy pregnancy, as those things go, and an uncomplicated delivery. As far as I knew, that was the end of it. Then, a couple of days after you were born, she refused to let you nurse, and slipped almost into a semi-coma. Anyway, she was so withdrawn she couldn´t do anything for you. Nobody had any idea why, and they still don´t.
“I guess your Dad told you what happened when you left the other night. He called me as soon as he could and I went down right away. The folder she found, the one you showed me, broke through her fantasy. When she saw those drawings – especially the copy of the nude – she realized that her daughter was a real person, a real human being. Of course, she blamed you for it and she lost it. She attacked you because she was outraged that she had lost the battle.
“Your father and I talked to her for hours. It didn´t take long after she calmed down that she began to realize she´d lost eighteen years of three people´s lives. It really shook her, almost set her off again. But I think we got her on the right track. We talked about you, your childhood. She´d missed so much of that, and when the fantasy broke, a lot of memories went with it. We told her all about you and what you´ve accomplished. Not too much about your sex life, you´ll be glad to know. Your mother doesn´t know, and I didn´t volunteer.
“But the day I left, your father showed her your folder again. I thought he was taking a chance, but he opened it up and showed her how beautiful you are, how lovingly Will had drawn you, how marvelous the erotic stuff is. She took one look at you and started to cry. Good, healthy tears. Loving tears. I figured I´d done all I could, so I left just after your dad called you this morning... It was early, hope he didn´t wake you.”
“No. We were up early, too.”
“Oh, good. Oh. One more thing before I take Mary away. Mary, since you left, your dad has been sleeping in your bed. We let your mom sleep in hers. I slept in the guest room. When I got up this morning, your mom came out of your room. She was naked and smiling like she´d just gotten laid. She gave me a hug. I think she´ll be all right. She´ll be seeing a shrink now, and while I don´t have much use for them generally, the guy your father chose seems to be all right and is helping her cope with her guilt and sorrow.
“Now, Mary, can you get on another phone? I want to chat a little with you before I hang up. Thanks all of you for all you´ve done. Come see us.”
Mary dashed upstairs and picked up the phone in our room. I said, “Goodbye, Aunt Bessie,” and switched off the speaker. Mom gave me a hug.