Michiko
As soon as she opened the door, Michiko knew something wasn't right. Her mother
was usually there when she arrived home from school, and when mother was home
there was always some kind of sound: dishes clattering in the kitchen, the
vacuum cleaner, anything. But today the house was strangely quiet, setting off
an alarm deep within her. "She must have forgotten ballet was canceled this
week," Michiko told herself while slipping out of her shoes, even though she
knew that was highly unlikely.Michiko was proud of herself for staying calm in such an unusual situation. Her
first childish instinct was to call out loudly for her mother, but something
made her stop; instead, she stood very still in the entryway, straining her
ears. Feeling very grown up by her display of self-control, she noted how odd
it was that the absence of sound, or at least the expected sounds of her mother,
could make her prick up her ears so."But there is a sound after all!" she exclaimed to herself after listening for a
few moments. It was so soft she could barely hear it. Even now, when she was
concentrating with all her might, it was hardly audible. Relieved, she almost
let down her guard and called out to her mother, but enjoying the sensation of
being like an adult - in control and not afraid - she decided to stay silent a
while longer. She stood in the entryway to the house, listening.It occurred to her that part of the reason she could hardly make out the sound
was that her own heartbeat was drowning it out. She was breathing hard too.
All of her senses were on alert; her whole body was tense, like a bow about to
release its arrow. Michiko found it odd that her body could take on such a life
of its own. Even while her mind was calmly considering the strange sound, her
muscles were ready for flight."I'm like a cat," she said to herself, enjoying the comparison. Michiko loved
cats for their cunning and their incredibly keen senses. A cat could hear a
mouse crawling in the next room. It could sneak up and pounce on its prey
without giving itself away. She decided to see if she could possibly figure out
what the sound was by using her ears alone, just the way a cat would."Such an odd sound," she thought when she had fixed it in her ears again. "Like
a fat man walking uphill or the rice cooker when there is too much water in it:
huff, huff, huff, it goes." Michiko almost laughed out loud thinking about the
fat man lumbering uphill, then grew pensive, wondering why her mother would put
the rice on so early in the day and then leave the house.She pursed her lips, something she did when she was thinking very hard. Neither
of her explanations made any sense. Certainly, there was no fat man huffing and
puffing away in the house; the rice cooker couldn't be making the sound either,
unless somebody had moved it from the kitchen to the back of the house, because,
after listening for another minute, that is where Michiko became convinced the
sound was coming from.Huff, huff, huff, it continued, and after more listening she was no closer to
figuring it out than before. "I have to get closer," she told herself. Michiko
didn't stomp down the hall the way she often did when trying to get her mother's
attention, letting her feet slap against the wooden floor. Instead, she slid
along beside the wall, scarcely lifting her feet. "As quiet as a cat," she
thought, feeling a sneaky kind of exhilaration.Huff, huff: the sound was growing louder, but it was still very soft. "I'm on
the right track," she congratulated herself. Then stopping dead in her tracks:
"It IS breathing!" she exclaimed, putting a hand over her mouth as if she might
inadvertently cry out. Now that she was closer, Michiko could definitely make
out the unique resonance of a human voice in the sound, but it didn't sound like
her mother; in fact, it didn't sound like a woman at all."Perhaps father is home," she thought. "But what could he be up to in the
middle of the day?"Stopping just short of the doorway to her parents bedroom, Michiko knew the
strange sound was coming from inside. Her curiosity was almost boiling over,
but she held herself in check. "A cat never bursts into a room recklessly," she
reminded herself. She also had to admit to herself that she was a little bit
afraid. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before.Although the door was slightly ajar, about a foot or two, Michiko could not
bring herself to move forward and look inside. "You're eight years old," she
scolded herself. "That's old enough to be as brave as a cat!" But her body
still had a life of its own: she couldn't budge from the spot beside the door
where she had crouched low. For what seemed to be an endless period of time,
but was probably not more than a minute or two, Michiko continued listening to
the odd huffing sound, trying to determine if it was threatening or not.Eventually her body relaxed slightly and her curiosity began to win out. She
simply had to see who was in the room and find out what they were doing to make
such a sound. "Cats are predators," she noted. "When a cat hears a sound, it
has to investigate, no matter what. I guess that's why they have nine lives."Squatting down even lower, she cautiously inched forward so that she might look
through the partially opened door without being seen by whoever was inside. As
the interior of the room came into view, Michiko noticed two things right away.
Her mother had not opened the blinds that morning, or else someone had closed
them during the day; also, nobody had bothered to fold and put away the futon
mat: even in their large American house, the family had preserved that Japanese
custom, and so it was strange to see the mat out during the day.Michiko moved forward, bringing more of the room into view.
Knowing nothing about the physical act of love, the sight before her was a
shock. Michiko knelt for a moment with her mouth agape, never having seen two
bodies positioned in such a way. It seemed as if a giant slab of meat had
fallen on top of her mother, pinning her to the mat. Her mother's slender body
was being crushed by the brawny looking torso lying on top of her. "He's
hurting mommy!" was the first panicked thought that raced through her mind. But
her mother's face was peaceful. Eyes closed, she looked as if she was in the
midst of a very happy dream. On her lips, there was a faint, unwavering smile."He MUST be crushing her!" she thought. "He's so big." But her mother looked
to be in no distress at all. Instinctively, Michiko knew she had stumbled upon
something she was not meant to see. Her mother had often spoken of grown-ups
needing 'private time': maybe this is what she was referring to. But that was
supposed to be mother and father, together. This man was somebody else.
Michiko found the situation so odd that she didn't know quite what to do.Her eyes were drawn to the large naked expanse of the man's back, and to her
mother's face, emerging from beneath the muscular shoulder. Although she could
not see his face, Michiko realized that she recognized the man on top of her
mother. She had met him at the University where her father taught. She could
tell because of his hair, which was long and blonde, like a woman's. Only seven
at the time, she had burst out laughing, chattering to her mother about the
funny looking hakujin (white person). Shushing her, her mother had said:
"Michi-chan, in America it is we who are the gaijin (foreigners) - you mustn't
laugh." Now it was easy to identify him, even from behind, with all that blonde
hair flowing about his shoulders, and one of her mother's hands gently resting
on the back of his head.Michiko was torn as to whether she should keep watching or leave. She knew
enough that this was supposed to be a private moment between her mother and the
hakujin. Adults never took their clothes off in front of each other, unless one
of them was a doctor as far as Michiko knew. Whatever they were doing must be
some kind of game, she decided. It must be enjoyable, by the look on her
mother's face, even though it seemed like it might be uncomfortable.What interested her most was the man's body. His skin was so brown compared to
her mother and there were muscles that rippled on his shoulders. She had seen
her father's body before, when he had given her a bath, or at the beach with his
swim trunks on. He was smooth and pale, like a tree trunk, Michiko thought; not
at all like the dark, muscular hakujin.The odd huffing sound came from deep within his chest and his body undulated in
rhythm with it. He reminded Michiko of the sea lions she had seen at the beach,
heaving themselves along, powerful backs arched, sending up a spray of sand when
their chests came crashing down.From the moment she first looked inside, a strange rush of excitement, part
fear, part something else she couldn't identify, had taken hold of her, so that
she found it impossible to tear her eyes away. The longer she looked, the more
she wanted to see of this strange sight - the hakujin on top of her mother,
huffing and puffing away. From where she was, Michiko could only see the top
third of his body. She was looking through the doorway at an angle, from a
place where she knew she could see without being seen. If she moved any farther
forward, her mother would be able to see her if she opened her eyes. "A cat
shouldn't be afraid of danger," Michiko told herself as she slid forward,
bringing more of the room into view.The sight of a boy's bottom was nothing knew to Michiko. Maki, her best friend
from school, had a baby brother who sometimes ran through the house naked. His
behind was smooth and round - soft looking. From the waist down, the hakujin's
body was covered with tiny curly hairs, which Michiko found amusing. But the
sight of his muscular buttocks rising and falling between her mother's bent
knees made her feel light and fluttery in her stomach, and not like laughing at
all. She watched as a little hollow formed and disappeared on the side of his
hip each time her pressed himself against her mother. On the backs of his
thighs she could see hard lines of muscle pulling and stretching, all in time to
the huffing sound in his chest.Michiko marveled that her mother didn't feel any pain, now that she could see
what the lower half of the man's body was doing - the strange up and down
pumping motion. The man was so large and heavy, and he seemed to be pressing
himself onto her with all his might, the way he was breathing so hard. But her
mother still had her eyes closed, and the faint smile had not left her lips; she
seemed to be enjoying this odd form of exercise. It occurred to Michiko that it
was probably as interesting to do what they were doing as it was to watch.While she was thinking, something happened. Michiko saw her mother's mouth
open, and she uttered the strangest sound, a sound that seemed ambiguous as to
whether it signified pain or pleasure. Startled, Michiko watched her mother's
expression change. Her eyes were still closed, but now, no longer as if in
sleep, they were squeezed tightly shut and her face was drawn into a grimace, as
if she had turned to look into a driving, windy rain.The hakujin also changed the sound he was making. The gentle repetitive huffing
of his breath became a more guttural sound that came out of him at irregular
intervals. The motion of his body changed too, from the smooth, muscular
undulation rippling from shoulders to hips into more of a wild jerky motion,
like the horses Michiko had seen on television trying to shake the cowboys off
their backs. She felt her eyes grow wide as she watched his legs grow rigid.
It seemed as if her was trying to push his knees right through the futon and
into the hard floor below.The bucking motion of his body had become so violent, Michiko could hear a
slapping noise when their bodies came together, a gentle fleshy sound that
sounded like the soft, playful spankings her father sometimes used to give her,
when he was only pretending to be angry. "That's got to hurt," she thought,
looking to her mother. Her face still bore the same grimace, but she was making
no effort to push the man off; in fact, she seemed to be pulling him down onto
her."Maybe it does hurt," Michiko thought. "But it's probably like doing exercises
- good for you. He must be helping her somehow," she decided.Whatever the exercise was, it seemed to be reaching some sort of conclusion.
Both the hakujin and her mother were making sounds now in rhythm with the
strange jerky motions of his body, calling to each other in some secret
language. Their calls reached a crescendo, and Michiko found herself leaning
forward on the balls of her feet, trying to absorb everything she was seeing and
hearing.The hakujin let out a long groan, as if something deep within him had burst,
releasing the low, satisfying rumble that issued from him. Michiko saw that his
body lost its smooth curved shape, becoming as stiff and straight as a board.
He jerked many times, as if bolts of electricity were going through him before
his muscles unknotted and his body seemed to melt and sink down between the soft
arms and legs of her mother.He lay very still then, except for his deep breathing. Michiko was surprised to
see her mother's hands stroking the back of his head and shoulders, as if to
comfort him. She knew just the way those hands felt, for when she cried, after
a fall or some other temporary disappointment, her mother would embrace her, and
her soft hands touched and stroked her in just the same way. "Ah, I know I'm
right," she decided. "He was doing something for her and now she is comforting
him. He looks tired after all."Michiko found it odd that she was out of breath, just like the man, even though
all she had been doing was watching. Although she felt proud of herself for
having remained quiet, and for having figured out a likely explanation for what
her mother and the hakujin were up to, Michiko also felt slightly unsettled, as
if there were some nagging doubts about what she had just witnessed.While mulling over her strange sense of disquiet she forgot all about the fact
that she was crouching in the doorway, exposed, until, with absolute horror, she
discovered that her mother had opened her eyes and was looking directly at her.
Once, her father had taken her to the wax museum. In the chamber of horrors,
with her sweaty hand gripping his, one of the severed heads had suddenly,
shockingly come to life - an actor waiting for the right moment to frighten
visitors. Michiko had shrieked; even her father had jumped back in alarm.Seeing her mother suddenly come to life- the look of recognition - was far
worse, but Michiko could do nothing but stare back in disbelief. Perhaps she
was too startled to move. She could only look directly into her mother's eyes,
noting the expression on her face, a look Michiko was never able forget, no
matter how many times she tried to escape it later in her life. Halfway between
shock and despair, yet at the same time utterly serene and peaceful, her mother
had the look of a person who at last has accepted her own fate with a profound
sense of relief. But just then (realizing none of that), finally coming to her
senses, Michiko turned and ran down the hall as fast as her little feet would
carry her.
Fin
Richard Rivers
6/99