I had just pressed the 'enter' key to send an email inquiry about writing for the Fantasy Train when my monitor screen started to turn a sickly shade of green. I opened my mouth to start the usual litany of imprecations against useless graphics cards, but before I could utter a sound, a huge floppy shamrock materialized and slapped itself around my face. Struggling like a hooked fish, I was dragged forwards and into what felt like open air.
For a moment I was airborne. Then gravity reclaimed me and I fell, landing with a solid thump on a vibrating wooden surface. The over-friendly shamrock released my head, leaving the taste of malt whisky in my mouth. Looking around, I realised that I was lying prone on the deck of a rather antiquated looking railway carriage, with a spectacular view of various lumps of second hand chewing gum, chocolate bar wrappers and even a used condom.
'Very weird' I said to myself. I clambered to my feet, staggering from the odd rocking motion of the carriage. At this point, I saw that I was not alone. A motley collection of men and women stared at me in surprise. I had never seen any of them before. However, they all had one thing in common, which was that they wore dark green T-shirts with 'ASSD' printed on the front.
'Hey Maria, I thought that only writers were invited on this trip. Who brought the clown?' called a voice from behind me. By the time that I had turned around, everyone was looking excessively innocent.
'I will have you know that I am too a writer!' I exclaimed indignantly, reciting a list of my story titles.
Every head in the carriage turned from side to side. A chorus of 'Nope', 'Huh?', 'Never heard of 'em' and various other exclamations of a similar vein filled the air.
Somewhat annoyed, I scanned the carriage for a likely recipient of my wrath. A short, pointy eared figure dressed in archaic green clothing caught my eye.
'Wait a minute! You are a Leprechaun' I cried accusingly. At this point my massive intellect managed to process most of this flood of impossible data and came to the only possible conclusion. 'This is the Fantasy Train' I declared in triumph.
The Leprechaun clapped ironically. 'Indeed it 'tis. Welcome aboard Verywierd' he said, managing somehow to pronounce my name the way it was spelt. 'Now can we get down to business and tell the good folk what you have planned?'.
Clearing my throat, I looked around to make sure that everyone was paying attention. Naturally, most of the men were looking at the women, whose physical attributes were clearly outlined by the tight T-shirts and the women were eyeing the men speculatively, except for a few men and women who were eyeing other men, women, animals and mirrors. 'Since I am not known to the regulars of ASSD and I do not know any of you, I thought that it would be nice if I took you all out to dinner' I said.
'Booo!'
'What a bore!'
'We want sex!'
'Woof!'
Waving my hands, I managed to silence the disapproving mob. 'Wait! You have not heard where and when I am taking you. We are having dinner in the largest and best brothel in Chang An, in Tang Dynasty China!'.
With a wave of his hand, the Leprechaun transformed the train into a great, gold plated barge. The cabin walls were covered with ink brush paintings and fine silk curtains. Through the windows could be seen the passing banks of the Grand Canal.
The crowd began to show considerably more interest as we pulled up to the jetty and the melodic sounds of Chinese zither and flute music filled the air. A massive three- storey wooden building loomed above us. The smell of good food, and the laughter of men and women engaged in naughty activities wafted from the open windows.
'The Leprechaun has made arrangements for all of us to speak the local language. He has also made sure that the management is aware of each of your sexual preferences. This is the most cosmopolitan city in the world at this time, and every kind of sexual pleasure can be obtained. Oh, and could the writer who has a preference for orgies with elephants please go to the East Annex, and the local morgue is just around the corner for the necrophiliacs amongst us'.
Our clothing suddenly changed into loose, brilliantly coloured silk robes. With a cheer, the passengers of the transformed train charged down the gangway towards the beckoning delights like a cloud of heavy footed butterflies.
In an instant, the only occupants of the barge were the Leprechaun and myself. I noted that he looked somewhat dejected. 'What's the matter?' I asked.
'Everyone else is going to have a good time except me' he replied, swinging his short, green clad legs. 'I have been ordered to drive this Fantasy Train and to provide for all of your wants. What about me? Leprechauns have needs too ye know'.
Despite the incident of the face hugging shamrock, I felt sorry for the little man. 'Why don't you join me for dinner' I offered, waving him towards the brothel.
The Leprechaun grinned happily and hopped down to the floor. The two of us made our way into the building where eager young ladies dressed in translucent silks led us to a private room where a feast of food and erotic pleasures awaited.
As we ate and drank, the girls sang, told ribald tales and generally commented on what fine handsome fellows we were. Aside from their elaborate hairdo's, the girls wore nothing underneath the colourful silks and I felt soft breasts, stiff nipples and bushy pubic hair constantly being rubbed and pressed against my body as they attended to my every desire. I tasted food fed to me from the sweet lips of the girl to my left and drank wine from the mouth of the one on my right. Across the table I saw that the Leprechaun was similarly engaged, literally buried under a pile of silk clad female flesh.
I felt a hand touch my stiff penis. The owner of the hand giggled and announced her discovery. A senior girl gently reprimanded the explorer for neglecting me. In moments, I felt the front of my pants being undone. Delicate hands and lips extracted my tool. A quick agile tongue drew intricate patterns around the swollen glans, weaving a pattern of ecstasy around my loins. In the meantime my own hand had gone on a little exploring of its own and was now buried deep in the dark jungle that shaded my wine server's pussy. Plunging deeper, I slid a finger into the moist cavern of her sex, reveling in the tight muscular grip of her young and eager vagina. In an experimental mood, I attempted to discover how many fingers I could fit into her opening. Carefully working my finger in and out, I added a second finger and then a third. When all three digits were buried to the hilt I heard my beautiful companion gasp. Fearing that I had hurt her, I started to withdraw.
'No, good master, do not stop your play on my behalf' begged the raven haired courtesan. 'We are all here to serve you. Your pleasures are of paramount importance and we would be disgraced if we failed to please you in any way'.
Thus reassured, I continued my experiment. A fourth finger entered her tunnel. The girl wrapped her arms around my neck, her lips next to my ear. Every movement of my probing fingers effected a change in the warm flow of her breath on my face. It was the most sensuous thing that I had ever experienced. My hand was wet down to the wrist from her pearly secretions as I added my thumb to the fray. Her sex was so tight that even using the full strength of my arm, I could only force my hand into her vagina up to my knuckles. The impaled girl was gasping loudly now and the tongue between my thighs licked and stroked in rhythm to her loud breathing. It was as if my penis had become attached to the end of my arm. Every movement of my wrist resulted in a correspondingly delicious sensation in my loins.
The girl whose sex my fingers so widely stretched moaned loudly and at the same time, bore down hard with her hips, her arms locking tightly around my body. With a wet, syrupy 'pop' my entire hand sipped into her body. 'Do I please you good master?' she whispered into my ear.
I was unable to answer as the skilled tongue and lips that worked on my penis brought me to the bursting point and beyond. Groaning, I came, spurting furiously into my fellatice's waiting mouth. The licking and sucking continued, draining every last drop of sensation from my throbbing organ.
I withdrew my hand from the girl's sex and leaned back in my chair as several other girls cleaned us up with hot towels. A warm breast pressed against my cheek as yet another girl fed me hot rice wine.
Loud squeals from across the room drew my attention. My magical companion was experiencing a very down to earth orgasm. I watched open mouthed as a jet of green sperm shot into the air. 'This is carrying the ethnic theme a little too far' I thought to myself. Turning from that disgusting sight, I looked out of the window, which overlooked the street below.
A tall dark man carrying a long sword strode down the street. I noted that the other pedestrians gave him a wide berth. Another swordsman appeared at the other end of the street. It looked as if I was about to witness a duel. Suddenly, both men leapt into the air, turning triple summersaults before landing on the roof of the building across the street from the brothel.
'Wow!' I exclaimed. 'That is the most amazing exhibition of kung-fu that I have ever seen outside of a ...'
Blinding realisation struck. The barge, the gaudy clothes, the perfect brothel, all of it was too perfect! This was not the ancient China of the history books, this was ancient China seen through the eyes of the Hong Kong movie makers!
'Leprechaun!' I yelled. 'Get your green ass over here NOW'.
Staggering out from under a pile of groaning women, the little man made his way over to me, his face a picture of guilt. 'What do I know of Tang Dynasty China?' he grumbled. 'They had this great collection of kung-fu videos in the store back in Ireland and I used me powers to recreate the best bits. I did a bloody great job of it too if I do say so myself' he said smugly.
'How long have we been here?' I asked him urgently.
'Only about an hour and twenty minutes' he replied.
'The average kung-fu video lasts around an hour and a half' I said grimly. 'What happens to us when the movie ends?'
The Leprechaun's face turned a shade of sickly green. 'We go poof, just like the other characters in the film' he gasped.
'Can you snap your fingers and get us all back to the Train?' I asked hopefully.
'Nope. Once off the Train, I have to obey the rules of the land just like you. There are no Leprechauns in Hong Kong movies. What shall we do?' he asked.
Looking out of the window again, I saw the first row of giant Chinese script flow upwards from the horizon and into the sky. The credits!
'Run!' I screamed, matching my words with action. Since it was likely that we would need the Leprechaun to get out of here, I dragged him along. 'ASSD folk' I yelled frantically 'get your butts out here right now!' I must have sounded convincingly frightened, as I saw the heads of startled sex writers pop up from all over the building. 'We have two minutes to get back to the barge before we run out of script' I announced.
The stampede of half naked ASSD'ers charging down the road must have been the strangest sight ever to grace a Hong Kong cinema screen. The sky started to turn jet black as the last writer staggered across the gangplank and reality started to waver and turn grey.
In a dizzying blink, the barge turned back into a train. The Leprechaun slammed the throttle wide open and the train roared down the fading Grand Canal and into the sky.
'You little green idiot!' I roared, starting towards the Leprechaun, my hands outstretched claws.
'Tut, tut' said the wee green man. 'I have my powers back now. I am grateful for the great orgy back there, but I think that it is time for you to go' He tipped his little green hat at me and snapped his fingers.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of floppy green stuff shooting towards me. 'Goodbye everyone. I hope you had fun, even if it was...' The giant shamrock slammed into my face, cutting off my words, but I heard everyone in the train cry '...very weird!'.
The End.