Looking back, I'm still annoyed that Lord Shon was able to catch me. For crying out loud, I'm a freaking Leprechaun! Sure, I was trespassing, sure I was sneaking a read at one of his unpublished pirate Barbie stories, but there is just no respect anymore. Personally, I blame that damn cereal commercial. Ever since "Lucky' made it a career to get caught by hungry kids, no body has any awe for the Wee Folk anymore.

So, I was waiting for Shon to ask for gold, or some other nonsense because that's the deal. Leprechauns get caught, they gotta grant wishes. It's legend, it's expected, it's pretty much the law. It was to my terror that he simply carried me to his wife's collection of Barbies, and ordered me to bring them to life.

"What?" I yelled. "Are you sure you want to do that? Barbie's are so bitchy when they are animated. I bet you think they'll be begging you to have sex with them continuously, but trust me, it doesn't work that way."

"Just do it." Shon answered rather angrily. Hey, here I was trying to save him some aggravation, and he yells some shoe company slogan at me.

"Trust me, Shon. They might do what you expect at first, but soon they will be asking for pink convertible cars, jewelry, and beach houses. I don't think you make enough money assembling mini vans to support a bunch of Barbie's. And anyway, I have a better idea for you."

Shon looked at me, his eyebrows arched in thought and answered, "I can't even afford to pay for Lois' Barbie addiction, let alone beach houses. Okay, give me your idea."

"I know all about you and your perverted friends writing erotica on the Internet, How about if I give you a nice safe way to meet all of them."

"All of them? Maria, John, Allison, Pami, Greybeard and even Janey?"

"All of them, even Wijit will be there he you want."

"Well, ... explain to me how you will be able to make this work."

I smiled at him confidently, and jumped onto the counter making myself comfortable in one of Barbie's lounge chairs. "It's easy. I'm sure that you've heard of Malinov's orgies." Shon nodded his head, "Well, it's simple. I know how you can get the new writers that were never able to be involved in Mal's orgies together for a new orgy. I've read stories by most of the newcomers, and I'm sure that if all of you got together, you could write something even better than what the previous generations of writers did."

"Okay, a new orgy for the new generation. But I want to include everybody, this shouldn't come across as excluding the great writers who were here before us. We could do that, it would be fun. Maybe I could see Maria's boobs. But how are we going to get everybody to agree to this?"

"You call yourself a writer? You're supposed to be creative. I'll tell you what, I'll explain it to you slowly, so you can take notes.

"When you stage an orgy, it is not just an excuse for writers to have fun with themselves and their friends. It's a very important time-capsule that describes what the current population of ASSD is like. It's a chance for new writers to introduce themselves, and for many writers it's their only chance to interact with the friends that they have made on the newsgroup, in a story. If you look at the past orgies, they have both some of the biggest names, and some of the smallest, side by side. Hell, it's a shot at a little Immortality, why wouldn't they join in?"

"True, but I don't think we want to go to some moldy castle for a get together. I don't have room in my house for Lois' Barbies, let alone a group of horny, perverted writers. I don't know how we can handle the logistics of this."

"It's easy, Lord Shon, I've got a Magic Train!" I answered.

That got an eyebrow raise.

"You see," I continued, pitching the train for my life. "This Magic Train can time-travel. If you want to go to Ancient Greece, then we're there. If you want to stop and sample some Victorian Age Brothels, then we're there. Any time, any place you can think of, we'll go there, and we'll complete the tour in about two weeks time."

Shon shook his head. "Sounds a bit silly to me. Besides, how will a train run before the 1800s. There won't be any train tracks."

"It's a Magic Train!" I screeched. "The thing is born of Fairy, it can shape shift and change as we need it. If it has to, it can turn into a wagon train of carts. It can turn into a boat. It can even be a plane if we need it to. Hell, I'm sure it can turn into a whale and we can all travel around in it's belly if we really wanted."

"Wouldn't that get crowded?" he asked.

"Nahhh, it's a tesseract."

"I see," Shon said. "What does tesseract mean?"

"All you need to know is a tesseract is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Like the bottle in "I Dream of Jeannie," or the Tardis in "Dr. Who," or your average apartment set on a television sitcom. The train could fit a thousand people comfortably, with dining rooms, separate bedrooms, a football stadium and luggage and only appear as large as a Volkswagen."

"God, I love magic." Shon answered.

Gears were clicking in Shon's eyes, and I just hoped that he wasn't thinking about animating the Barbies again. The last time I had to do something like that, it caused the Great Depression."

"Ahh, but what about languages? No one will enjoy themselves if they can't talk to the natives and shop," he said.

"Easy enough," I said. "We give them Magic Name Tags. It'll translate everything they hear and say, and that'll let them interact with History, fucking it up like God intended."

"Hmmmm," he said. "No, it'll never work. Even with the power to visit any erotic, romantic, or beautiful place in History, people will never come along. It's too strange, too esoteric and too many options. My writer friends like to visit places they can write about, and not many of them are History majors."

"You are under estimating you buddies, Shon," I said.

"These people are readers," I pressed. "Plus, we can go ANYWHERE in time. If someone has read a romance novel about the Old South, then BLAM, we're there. If someone saw "Spartacus" and wanted to rub some oily gladiators, BLAM, we're there. Besides, the stories they write about the orgies are usually memoirs. Nobody is going to take anybody to task for not describing the correct names for Ancient cuisine. Hell, if people are that insecure about time travel, we can always make stops in the 80's, 70' and 60's. We got two weeks, the train can do it."

"It just might work, but I don't want another disaster on my hands. I'm going to need you to drive it."

Fuck that! I've read your stories, I'm sure someone will find a way to ruin a foolproof idea! Before I could talk him out of it, he made his wish.

"I wish for you to pilot your magic Train and take all who wish to come on a guided, safe, fun tour through time for two weeks and then you'll return us all safely to our homes." Shon then dropped me to the ground as the magic washed through us.

So, that's why I'm here now, piloting this Magic Train for all of you. That smart ass Miss Behavin' has already made a joke about this train reminds her of some stupid PBS cartoon about a time traveling bus. Somebody messed up the bathroom with a wild eight person orgy, and guess who has to clean it up? Wijit climbed on with all his lurker buddies, which just goes to show that Shon wasn't kidding when he said everybody could come, regardless of story volume. Maria and Janey are all gushy, and not a nipple shown between them! John's romancing the hell out of a lucky group and Pami has found a group of would-be submissives. I swear, if Michael and Kivi don't stop rocking the back end of the train, we're going to tip over. there are others on board, but I can't tell who or what they are doing. Allison keeps threatening to steal my "Lucky Charms," a joke that got old three centuries ago. I wonder if Shon will make an exception to that 'no harm' rule?

As you can imagine, it's one awful, excruciating trip for someone like me, but I've got plans to make it better. You see, I've got my eye on that cute Virago, though her sword looks a little deadly. Oh well, wish me luck.