JC: William Redman Carter Part 2: Hermit Chapter 5 By Lazlo Zalezac Copyright (C) Lazlo Zalezac, 2006 “Son, you know I have to tell the truth,” Ed said looking William in the eye. He had finally caught up with William before his son had entered his office. “Yes, I know that,” William said with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He looked away from his father breaking eye contact. “You know that it isn’t always an easy thing for me to do, don’t you?” “Yes, I know that.” Shaking his head, Ed said, “You can’t hide away from the world forever. Your little brother has asked you several times to go riding with him. Each time you’ve refused him. You haven’t even left the house once.” “I’m just not ready,” William said. The problem was that William was telling the truth. William wasn’t even willing to have dinner with the rest of the family and the staff. Instead, he had his meals sent to his office where he locked the door. Even Lucy hadn’t been allowed in for the last few meals. Ed said, “You aren’t ready to be around more than six people at a time?” “That’s right,” William said. Moving closer, Ed looked at William and shook his head. In a quiet voice, he said, “I never thought you would hide from the world like this. Go back to your office.” “I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed you,” William said looking down at the floor. “You haven’t disappointed me. I’m concerned about you,” Ed said. There was just enough disappointment that his words grated on his nerves. He tried not to show it. Feeling sick to his stomach, William entered his office without looking at his father or saying a single word. He had seen the grimace that accompanied telling a lie. The door closed behind him with a dull final thud. There was a loud click as the door was locked. Ed stood staring at the door for a full minute. Shaking his head, he said, “That didn’t go well.” The living room was huge and tastefully decorated. Plants were scattered around the area breaking it up into little islands filled with leather chairs and coffee tables. Floor lamps of various styles were distributed around the room providing light at night. Western art hung from three walls. The cost of decorating the room had been more than the cost of an average house. Ed sat in a chair looking out the window at the canyon. In a way, he envied William that he had been able to bring the desert into the house in the manner that he had. Others might find the desert barren, but it moved him more than words could express. Today, his thoughts were not on the desert. He was worried about William. His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Lucy. She took a seat next to him and looked out the window trying to gather strength from the beauty presented to her. In a soft voice, she said, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get tired of the view.” “I wouldn’t,” Ed said turning to look at his daughter-in-law. Smiling at her, he asked, “What can I do for you?” “I’m worried about William,” Lucy answered. “Me too.” “He’s hiding from everyone. He won’t talk to me,” Lucy said. It hurt to say that he was hiding from everyone else. It hurt even more to admit that he was hiding from her. She was near tears wondering what she could do to help him. “I confronted him about that. It didn’t go well,” Ed said shaking his head. He said, “There are times when the truth is not always the best policy.” “That explains why he locked the door of his study,” Lucy said. “He recognized that I’m a little disappointed in him. I couldn’t hide it from him,” Ed said wishing that he hadn’t gone to talk to William earlier that day. “That’s bad,” Lucy said, “that’s real bad. He’s never let anyone down. I don’t think he knows how to handle it.” “I’ve always told William that he relied too much on his gift of foresight,” Ed said shaking his head. The warnings hadn’t done any good. The gift was just too much a basic part of William for him to avoid relying upon it. He said, “Of course, that was like asking a sighted person in the land of the blind to walk around with their eyes closed just to be like everyone else. It’s not going to happen.” “I know,” Lucy said. She sighed and said, “The weird thing is that I don’t think he ever really used it to the extent that he could.” “You may have a point,” Ed said thinking about it. “It’s a moot point now.” Looking out the window at the wall of the canyon, Ed asked, “Do you have any ideas what we can do to break him out of his self imposed exile?” “No.” “Same here. Eddie is devastated,” Ed said. The young man had been trying to get his brother to get out of the house and do something physical thinking that it would help William cope with his situation. When William had refused to see him that morning, Eddie’s feelings had been hurt. That had motivated the confrontation earlier that morning. “William hasn’t had dinner with the household yet. He says that there will be too many people around the table,” Lucy said. “That’s ridiculous. He knows everyone who will be there,” Ed said although he wasn’t exactly shocked at the news. “I guess it is like giving a presentation in class. You know all of your classmates, you talk to them all of the time, and yet when it is time to give a presentation in front of them you dread it. It is even worse when you aren’t prepared,” Lucy said. “You’re saying that William feels like he hasn’t done his homework,” Ed said. “I guess so,” Lucy said looking out the window. Pointing to a hawk, she said, “There’s that hawk again.” “I noticed it earlier. There are two of them. They have a nest over there,” Ed said pointing to a spot along the canyon wall. He watched the hawk fly away. Turning to look back at Lucy, he said, “I don’t know what to tell you. He’s always been a complex person and you’re the only one who truly understands him.” The discussion was interrupted when Barbara came over to where they were seated. After a quick glance at Ed, she said, “William missed his meeting with us. I tried to call him, but he isn’t answering his phone.” Lucy sighed and said, “I guess you’ll have to reschedule the meeting.” “I can’t. There are some decisions that he has to make before the deadlines run out. Some of those decisions have to be made today,” Barbara said. “You should have scheduled the meetings earlier,” Lucy said thinking that it wasn’t normal practice for William to delay things until the last minute. “This was the third meeting that he’s missed,” Barbara said. Looking at Lucy, Ed said, “This is serious. I’ve never known William to avoid work.” Lucy’s face turned white on hearing that William had missed three meetings. Tears threatened to start flowing. Feeling helpless, she sank into her chair and stared out the window. The harsh features of the desert provided no comfort. Barbara said, “Someone needs to talk to William.” “He won’t talk to me,” Lucy said. She stood up and fled from the room before the tears would start. Ed watched Lucy go and shook his head. He pulled out his cell phone and looked at it. He sighed and said, “I wonder if it is time to get some professional help.” “I know who can talk to William,” Barbara said quietly. It wasn’t really her place to make the suggestion, but she couldn’t help herself. “Who?” Ed asked. William sat at his desk holding his head between his hands. He had a splitting headache that throbbed with each beat of his heart. The lights were down low and the room was absolutely quiet except for the noises he made shifting around in his chair. Everything had become too much for him. He viewed himself like a person who had suffered a major memory loss. People who have lost their long-term memories wake up every day not knowing who they are. They are confused don’t recognize the people around them. People who have lost their short term memories forget what they are doing. They become unable to execute even a simple plan because they forget the plan. William felt that he was in much the same position. He had lost his memories of what was about to happen. It was strange and unsettling to go through life surprised by everything that happened. He didn’t know what he was going to eat until he actually sat down at the meal. He didn’t know what conversations he would have until people started to talk to him. He felt like he had to make things up on the spur of the moment. Even worse, there wasn’t a real chance to prepare for what was to happen and that scared him. “Go away,” William shouted in response to the knock on the door. The noise had driven into his brain like a nail. “It’s me,” Amanda said in a loud voice. “Go away,” William shouted back. His stomach churned at the idea of sending her away. Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Amanda said, “I want to die.” “What?” William asked sitting up in his chair. “I can’t take being blind any more. I want to die,” she answered with a smile. She knew that would get his attention. Without thinking, William had risen from his chair and walked over to the door. He opened it and found Amanda charging at him. He backed away wondering what was going on. Upon hearing the door knob turn, Amanda had swung her cane and stepped forward to enter the room. Her actions forced William to step back. When she knew that she was through the door, she closed it behind her. She backed up until her butt was against the door and slid down with her back pressed against it to sit on the floor. She thought by blocking the door that she would prevent William from leaving. Unable to see her surroundings, she didn’t realize that there was a second door into the office. William stared at Amanda confused by her bizarre behavior. He asked, “What are you doing?” “Now that you can’t leave, you and I are going to have a little talk,” she announced. She made a big production out of folding up her cane. William looked at the other door and then back at Amanda. He asked, “What do you mean?” “Look, you lost your ability to see the future. Big fucking deal,” she said striking out to the heart of the matter with her first sentence and dismissing his concerns with the next sentence. “It is a big deal,” William said staring at Amanda unable to believe the language she was using. “I’ve got news for you; no one else around you can see the future.” “Look, I’ve got no idea what’s going to happen. We can be attacked and I won’t be ready to save us,” William said. “In case you haven’t noticed it, I’m blind. I never feel safe. Someone can walk up to me at any time and slap me silly. I won’t know about it until they are actually hitting me. You have no idea what I would give just to see the threat coming, but I can’t. So do you know what I do about it? I deal with it,” she said with anger in her voice. “It’s different for you,” William replied angrily. His anger was directed at himself rather than at her. “You’re right. I’m blind. Everyone else around me can see. Everyone has an advantage over me. You can’t see the future. No one else can see the future. You aren’t at a disadvantage compared to everyone else. I am! If anyone is vulnerable, it is me!” William went over to his chair and sat down. When he turned to look at her, he realized that he could see right up her skirt. He moved his chair thinking that she had no idea how vulnerable she was. Then it dawned on him that she knew exactly how vulnerable she was. He sighed and said, “You’re better at handling it than I am.” “No, I’m not! Do you think any of this comes easily to me?” she asked. “You manage everything so naturally,” William said. There were times when Amanda amazed him with how competently she handled the challenges of her job. “There’s nothing natural about how I cope with the world around me,” Amanda said with a sigh. It was tough getting by when nearly every device assumed that you could see the controls. She said, “Even simple things like radios have buttons that aren’t marked with Braille labels. It requires special effort for me to figure out how to use a cell phone and, even then, ninety percent of the features aren’t available to me. There’s nothing natural about how I cope.” “How do you manage to get by day after day?” Amanda moved her head back so that it rested against the door. She answered, “I have to depend on the people around me. Mostly, I rely on friends, but there are times when I have to ask complete strangers for help.” “Friends,” William echoed. “Yes, I have to rely upon friends. You can’t imagine how much I miss Donna. She did so many things for me,” Amanda said. She remembered the day when Donna had come over to the apartment to help fix up the bathroom. Donna identified the colors of the towels while she sewed Braille labels onto them. It wasn’t much, but she did feel better being able to provide a color coordinated display in the bathroom. “Oh.” “The move was particularly tough for me even though Juanita helped me with it.” William frowned and asked, “What did she do?” “She went shopping with me to find furniture for my suite. She helped me put together the entertainment center. She is very attentive to my needs and I like her, but I think she has long term plans for me,” Amanda said. Looking over at Amanda, William asked, “Is there a problem?” “No. I think she wants to marry me. I don’t really know how I feel about that,” Amanda answered wondering how she had become the subject of conversation. “Oh,” William said at a loss concerning what he should say. “You find it difficult to talk to people now, don’t you?” Amanda asked after a full minute of silence. She had noticed that conversations with him had become a lot more stilted. “Yes.” “Why?” she asked. “I don’t really know what to say to fix the situation. I don’t know what consequences my words will have,” William answered. “Who said that you have to fix anything? Who said that everything you say has to have consequences?” Amanda asked confused by his answer. “I don’t know. It’s always been that way,” William said. Most of the time, William was very careful in choosing his words. “You don’t know how to relax,” Amanda said. “I don’t know about that,” William said with a frown. He thought about the times spent in the pond behind the house in Pennsylvania. He said, “I know how to play.” “You never give yourself over to it entirely. You’re always alert for something negative to happen,” Amanda said realizing that she was gaining insights into William that he had always managed to keep hidden. “Well, a little. I can’t help it,” he said. “I have to do that too. I can’t move around without explicitly testing everything in my environment.” Amanda was silent for a moment and then said, “William, you are going to have to learn how to depend a little more on your friends. You’re going to have to learn how to trust people to look out for themselves and for you.” “I guess,” William said. The idea of depending upon others was very disturbing to him. “You’ve never had to ask for help from anyone, have you?” “Not really. I guess I’ve always been pretty self-sufficient, even as a kid,” William answered. “You’re going to have to ask for help,” Amanda said. William looked down at the floor and thought about it. Looking up at her, he said, “You never intended to kill yourself.” “That’s right,” Amanda said. “Why did you say that you didn’t want to live anymore?” Her lips curled into a small smile. She answered, “It was the only way I knew to get you to open the door. Pleading or begging you to let me in wouldn’t work. Telling you that I was there to help you would have been useless. I had to ask you to save me.” “Am I that easy to manipulate?” William asked. “No. It’s just that everyone who loves you knows that you’d walk through hell to save them from the devil.” “Oh.” “We also know that you’d run through hell rather than ask anyone for help,” Amanda said. “Oh.” “Don’t worry; there are lots of people who still need your help.” It wasn’t clear if that was a good thing. William didn’t feel like he could help himself, much less anyone else. He asked, “Really?” Amanda smiled and said, “There is a woman here who needs your help.” “Who?” William asked. “Sandra.” “What’s her problem?” he asked sitting forward. “She’s in love with someone and he hasn’t let her know that he feels the same way about her,” Amanda said hoping that Sandra would forgive her for meddling in her life. “I’ll talk to her,” William said with a sigh. He wondered who the man was that was stringing her along. Standing up, Amanda unfolded her cane. She smoothed out her skirt and made sure that she was presentable. She asked, “What will you tell her?” “I don’t know,” William answered. He knew that he was saying that a lot lately, but recognized that he was going to have to get used to saying it even more often. “May I make a suggestion,” Amanda said putting her hand on the door and turning the door knob. “Sure.” “I love you,” she said opening the door. “I love you too,” William said automatically. He waited for her to make her suggestion and then asked, “What should I say to Sandra?” Amanda stepped through the open door. It was hard to keep from laughing. She turned so that her words would carry back to William. Just before closing the door, she said, “I love you, Sandra.”