K's Diary. . .

Saturday, July 23 2005

I wish I had time for a long holiday. It's hot here and sunny almost every day. I like summer. Sometime I'll go to a park alone during the week. In the evening it's still light and quiet because there aren't many people. It's perfect for riding a bicycle or walking.

We've been going for drives to the country occasionally but driving in a car with Nikki can be exhausting. She will argue about little things for no reason other than to torture me. She doesn't do that every time. Mostly when she is bored, but she doesn't understand how tiring it is. Like the other time I had to explain why I didn't call her when I came home from work because she was expecting me to call her. Instead I called her in the evening that day and she just couldn't understand why. I had to go through everything I did that day since coming home until I called her and it still wasn't good enough.

Other times she's quiet which is unusual for her. She's mostly quiet in early mornings because she's sleepy but we don't go out often in early mornings. In the evening she's mostly hyperactive like she's high on sugar or something. She's sweet when she's hyperactive and she'll talk about everything without stopping. That's when she's sexy and flirty too and when she likes to tease me all the time. Sometimes she's grumpy. Grumpy Nikki can be cruel because she'll say things to me that she knows will hurt me. Once she called me a pervert when I kissed her on lips when she was in a bad mood. That was a bad idea, so now I try to leave her alone when she's grumpy.

Speaking of being high on sugar, she asked one day if I have ever used drugs. I told her when I was younger I tried marijuana but that was all. Then she said she smoked marijuana too when she was at a sleepover once and a few other times she even tried ecstasy. She tried it first when she was 12 but she'd never told me about that before. Keeping it secret was probably more surprising than that she tried drugs. I never thought she would hide something from me but I was glad that she wanted to tell me about it now. We talked about it and I told her I was worried about her experimenting with drugs which didn't surprise her. I think I know now why her mom asked me to look after her the other day. She's a little trouble maker and all this time I thought she was a little angel.

We've been going out to the country on weekends. We usually drive and then go hiking but always end up looking for cows instead because cows are funny. It's good they have bells around their necks or it would be hard to find them. Sometimes we see horses and other farm animals too but less often than cows.

Now that she's 14 she's always asking me to teach her to drive a car even though she's still too young to have a licence. A few times we went out of the city and I would find a wide long stretch of country road and let her drive on it. It didn't take her long to learn how to use a clutch and change gears. With a little more practice, she could drive a car if she wanted, at least on a wide and straight road without other cars, traffic lights or pedestrians anywhere in sight.

I'm taking a vacation in August and then I'll have more time for going places. We'll visit her grandparents and go swimming. Monika asked me if I wanted to spend some time with her and her girlfriend. I don't know yet what she has in mind but I would like it if we could all go all together somewhere for a few days. Now that I'm speaking of Monika, a funny and scary thing happened one day when she came over and Nikki opened the door to let her in. Nikki had nothing on except shorts. We had just woken up and I was in the kitchen making us breakfast. I think Monika's jaw dropped down when she saw Nikki but she tried not to show it. I told Nikki to put something on because it was more than obvious now that we had been in bed together and I wasn't ready for Monika to know about it. But I think she figured it out and was nice enough not to ask any awkward questions because I'm sure Nikki would tell her everything as if she were talking about the weather.

There was a sand sculpture competition at the beach and we went to see it. It was fascinating. The sculptures were all made from send and they were huge. There were castles and knights and mermaids and all kinds of animals. On the beach were many people and little girls in swim suits and bikinis and topeless. It was a hard job concentrating on Nikki, the sand sculptures and little girls at the same time. Later we walked down the beach away from the crowd quite far so we were all alone. We sat down on the sand and held hands. It was in late afternoon and the sun wasn't hot any more. I hugged her closer to me and whispered in her ear calling her pet names like baby, kitty, honey, and little bunny which made her laugh. Then I kissed her little ear and ruffled her hair and then we tried to make a sand sculpture but it was getting late and we had to leave.

I've seen Monika again since then and after talking with her about things she said something like, "Don't you think she's too young?" When she asked me that, I knew the cat was out of the bag. I didn't tell her everything but now she knows about us too. But she was so unlike Ella it surprised me. She didn't say much at all; she just smiled and said it's cool. I hope she means that because I would hate to stop being friends with her like I did with Ella. I mean, I'm still friends with Ella but we used to be more than that and we even lived together back then. Maybe it's not a big deal for Monika because Nikki is older now. Maybe she thinks Nikki is sexy after she saw her naked when she opened the door for her the other day but maybe not. I always think how everyone would find Nikki a hot little girl. She's not little anymore though. Not as little as she used to be anyway. But she's still cute... and sexy.

Else has gone with her family on a trip during the summer holiday. That's what Nikki told me. She sounded disappointed as if she'll miss her. She has other friends but I'm feeling Else is special. At least I won't have to share her with Else now, not until she comes back from the trip anyway. Then they'll go out together again and hold hands and pretend they are not girlfriends.

Have I written about our new game? It's not new really, we've been playing it on and off for a long time but we haven't done it recently until now. First we undress each other. I undress her first and then she does the same to me. It's more fun in the winter when we wear more clothes than in summer because it takes longer. Now I only have to take off her shorts, top, panties and bra, but in the winter there's more to take off and it lasts longer. Sometimes we play strip poker which is another way of reaching the same goal. Then once we are in the nude, we draw a picture of a girl on a large piece of paper. It's only an outline really. This game is similar to Pin the Tail on the Donkey. We take turns wearing a blindfold and sticking a pin on the paper girl. Let's say I'm wearing a blindfold and I stick the pin somewhere on the paper girl's tummy, then I have to kiss Nikki on the same spot on her tummy. Then we change places and she wears the blindfold and sticks the pin on the paper girl and kisses me. It becomes more fun when we turn the drawing upside down or sideways.

There is one more game we play during the school year. I invented this one to encourage her to study for school assignments. First she has to spend some time sudying and doing homework, then I take her to my bed, take the book from which she was learning and take her clothes off. Then I ask her questions from the book. For every right answer she gets a kiss from me, starting from her cheek and moving down. One correct answer is one kiss lower than the previous. If she gives a wrong answer, the kisses start back from her cheek. It usually takes around fifteen to twenty questions to cover her in kisses from her head to her toes.

I saw a great move today. It's called Matchstick Men. I was surprised how much the girl in the movie reminded me of Nikki. She's almost like her twin sister with the same personality except Nikki's not a con artist like the girl in the move. The only thing she tricked me into was falling in love with her.

I feel depressed very often and I'm afraid to be alone because I'm not in a stable relationship with anyone. I know it sounds pessimistic, but I don't think Nikki will be around anymore in a couple of years. She will grow up and probably move on with someone else and I will be on my own again. I don't know how I will cope with that when even now I feel depressed and worry about it.

The sculptures that Nikki makes are just little clay figurines of girls and animals. They look like fairies and punk girls all in one, with spiky hair and wings. She also makes bunnies and hippos and turtles all from clay. But when she brings me the girl sculptures she always gives them names and then makes me learn their names. I'm not supposed to forget their names or she gets cross with me. I can't remember all the names but those I remember are Ingrid, Helena, Erika, Ida, Anja, Sofie and Mimi. I remember when she was little, she used to give all her dolls names and she had many dolls so I could never remember every single name she gave them. My favorite one is the girl which she decorated with beads that look like little pearls.

I've been writing this entry for a couple of days. I hope it's not too long. Nikki is taking a shower and then we are going out for a walk and to get something to eat. I'll write again in a couple of weeks.