Monday, April 07 2003

I didn't write until now because I couldn't find the time and I was waiting to see how everything would turn out. It's all because Nikki caused so much mess and because we had to sort things out before it became an even bigger problem, and then in the middle of it all Ella and I broke up.

It all happened on the weekend when I went to see Nikki play a soccer game. I was there by myself because Ella didn't want to come along. I knew Nikki's dad was coming to pick her up after the game but he wasn't there yet when the game had finished. It was a beautiful day and I had a great time watching her and the other little girls on her team. After the game she came to me and we held hands and talked while waiting for her dad to come and take her home. We talked about the game but she kept changing the subject and telling me how she would like to move in with me. I didn't pay too much attention to it at the time because she often says things like that when we are alone and she knows it's not possible. Finally I asked her if something was wrong at home, if she had a fight with her mom and dad but she shook her head and then her dad showed up so we didn't have time for talking anymore. I kissed her and we waved goodbye.

I went home and nothing unusual happened until the afternoon when I received a call from Nikki's mom. She sounded worried and then asked me if Nikki was with me. When she asked me that I knew there was something wrong and I felt bad about not realizing it before when I spoke with Nikki earlier in the day. I told her I didn't know where Nikki was and asked her what happened and she said Nikki was grounded because a week ago she stayed at her friend's place without telling them where she went and they had a fight and today Nikki told them she had to see her school friend so she could get some books for school but she was away for hours and when they called her friend, she told them Nikki never came there. When I heard this it made me worried too. I didn't know what to tell her and I was afraid that she would blame me for everything.

Then about a half an hour after her call, someone knocked on our door and when Ella opened the door we saw Nikki there standing with her backpack. We let her in and I tried to talk to her but she was very tired because she said she walked all the way from her home. I gave her a glass of water and when Ella left the room I asked her what happened. She looked sad and said how she wanted to stay with us because she had fought with her mom and dad. I told her that her mother rang and that they were looking for her and that we should call them and let them know she's safe but she didn't want me to call them. I was really scared that her parents would find out she was here with me after I told them I didn't know where Nikki was and that it would look like I was lying to them. I tried explaining all this to her but I was also worried about her because I still didn't know what was going on. So I decided to talk to her some more. She slowly opened up a little and told me how she fought with her mom and dad and how they wouldn't let her go out to see her friends when she wanted and how she wasn't allowed to come to my place by herself after school. I told her we had to do something and then we agreed we should call her mom and tell her that everything was fine and she was safe. I took her by her hand and went to the phone and I saw Ella standing at the door and looking at me as if it were all my fault. I didn't care about her then, I just wanted to help Nikki but it was unfair of her to blame me for things like this.

I called Nikki's mom and while waiting for them to come to pick her up I hugged her and kissed her little cheek and assured her that everything would be fine. She was all scared and tired and I was expecting her parents to be angry when they arrived but they weren't. Her mom hugged her and before she left I told Nikki to call me if she needed anything.

Back home, Ella was only shaking her head and as I expected blaming me for Nikki's behavior. I didn't even want to talk to her about it. She really annoyed me. She didn't even say hi to Nikki as if she were nobody. I was angry at her and sad because I wanted to help Nikki and make her happy again but I didn't know how or why she changed so much since her birthday. I never expected her to run away from home like this and I was afraid that she would get in even more trouble with her parents.

I haven't heard from her for days and in the meantime Ella and I were drifting farther apart. I thought she understood what I felt for Nikki but it all came back to her old logic where she blamed me for everything even when she knew how Nikki felt regardless of everything I did. And then one day we decided to break up and the next day she moved to her dad's place and I was again on my own. I didn't mind that she left because it didn't work out and I sometimes blame myself for it because I wanted to come out to her about Nikki and that was the main reason why it didn't work out between us. If I didn't tell her about Nikki we would still be together but I would probably have less time for Nikki.

Another few days passed without hearing from Nikki. I was worried that I would never see her again and I felt depressed most of the time. I wanted to call her but I didn't want to make it worse for her than it already was. Then finally around Wednesday I received a call from her. It was in the evening and when I heard her little voice I felt over the moon! She said she was doing all right and how she's busy with school and asked me what I was doing. But we didn't talk for long and then she said her mom wanted to talk to me so she gave her the phone. I was quite nervous but all she wanted to ask me was if I could come over one afternoon because it involved Nikki and me. I said I could come tomorrow after work and that was it. I didn't know yet why they wanted to talk to me but if it was about Nikki I was willing to do anything. So the next day after work I drove to their place. It was after six in the afternoon and we were all in their living room. Nikki sat next to me and I took her hand in mine. She felt cold so I tried to warm her up but she was feeling tense and quiet. Then her mom said how they worked things out between them and Nikki had promised not to do things like that again. But they said how she is older now and they agreed to let her be more independent. They said Nikki would like to spend more time with me so they called me to ask me if I had time to look after her on weekends. I said it would be great. I wasn't expecting this so I probably looked surprised and I didn't know what else to say. Then her dad said it also depends on Nikki's school so if she has lots of homework she will stay at home and study. Nikki kept mostly quiet but I could see her smile and we still held hands. Later when Nikki went away and I was alone with her mom, she said I shouldn't take this as a sign to be free to do whatever I want with Nikki and I told her it's not why I wanted to spend time with her alone. I said I would help her with homework too and take her to her soccer training.

Then Nikki came and took me to her room. Once we were all alone she hugged me and I could see how happy she was for the first time since that soccer game weeks ago. For a while we didn't say anything. I just held her close because I missed her so much and she was all soft and cuddly I couldn't do anything else. I don't think either of us expected how well it would end and we were all giggly and laughing in her room like two little kids. Nikki said we would have time to do anything we wanted on weekends and we could even go on trips to the countryside and ride our bicycles. I kissed her over and over and she smiled and kissed me back. Then at last I had to go. It was around nine in the evening and Nikki had school the next day so she needed some sleep. I watched her as she dressed in her jammies and then I wished her good night. I said good night to her mom and dad and then I left.

And that's how it all happened. I think we were very lucky that something positive came out of her mischief and that her parents were fair to allow her some freedom to decide what she wanted to do. During the week I work and it's a little lonely at home again since Ella left but I look forward to weekends with Nikki. I usually pick her up on Friday after school or on Saturday morning. I take her out almost every day if it's nice weather. We go shopping or ride our bikes or take a day trip away from the city. Now that Ella has gone she has much more room in my bed and we often stay awake long into the night and watch movies or just fool around like we did with that honey. We also talked about serious things, which was a nice change. Before she would only show interest in games and stories but now she's becoming aware of things going on around her. Like the other day we talked about the war and she asked if we could go to the protest that was held on the following Saturday. I said it was a good idea and when the day came we had a great time. She even met some friends from school in the crowd and in the afternoon we watched it all on the news and she was trying to find us in the crowd but there were thousands of people and it was impossible to see anyone. Then one day we went riding our bicycles when her bike broke down. It happened on Saturday morning and it took us until Sunday afternoon to fix it again but it was fun too. We set it up on the balcony and took it apart which was really messy making us both look like mechanics working in a garage. It turned out that part of the gear broke and we needed a replacement so we bought a new one but putting it all back together was the hardest part. One weekend a friend of mine invited me to a party so we went there together and stayed up until late. Like always, Nikki was the most popular girl at the party. She had a great time and everyone talked with her and asked her questions and even danced with her which made me a little jealous.

In all that time I hadn't heard from Ella. The first time Nikki asked me where she was, I told her we broke up and how she moved in with her dad. She said she liked Ella and I told her Ella liked her too even though I knew she didn't showed it. I know Ella cared about Nikki, at least until I came out to her. But it was the past and I wanted to dedicate the present only to Nikki. At night we would huddle under the blankets and kiss very slowly and touch each other until we fell asleep or we would talk about the future and plan our holidays and things like that. Some nights we would go to bed early and some we would stay up until late and watch movies on TV or play games on the computer. She's stayed with me over a few weekends now and we both love our new arrangement but it doesn't leave me much time for other things like the internet or going out with friends.

I'm afraid I will miss Ella very much. I don't miss her too much yet, probably because I was annoyed with the way she acted but I wonder if I'll forgive her that and maybe miss her more in the future.

I haven't seen or heard from Line sine the last time I called her. I think she is not interested or maybe she's not allowed to meet strangers. Maybe one day I'll meet her again when she comes to the theater.

Now I have very little time and on weekends I am enjoying my time with Nikki. Today I took her home in the afternoon but sometimes she will sleep over on Sundays too and I will take her to school on Monday morning. I'm so happy that we can finally spend so much time together and do it every weekend.