The third Foursome Moresome challenge review

by Yotna El'Toub

http://www.yotnasden.co.uk/, email: <yotna_eltoub  a t  hotmail dot com>

Background (to the challenge)

A very simple premise; an observer watches a couple sharing their morning toast.

This was the given text:

Ah. There they were. Late, which was unusual. Or so I thought to myself after all the years we'd been nodding at each other and exchanging morning greetings.

Their easy friendship was something I looked forward to each morning. They'd order breakfast and then without words they would each grab a slice of toast and offer it to their partner.

This time I could see her eyes and they twinkled with inner amusement when she noticed my fascinated stare.

I blushed when she winked and deliberately bit into the toast he offered her.

I couldn't stop my smile.

But, I couldn't help wondering: Five years I'd been an observer of their ritual--and I didn't even know their names.

Would I ever know the story behind their morning toast?

Well as we shall find out there was more than one story :)

Story one: Morning rituals by Antheros

Brief outline only

Our observer is a young woman, but a young woman who feels that life is bypassing her. She has watched the old couple for years; she has as we all would, invented some perfect life for them. Life is never that simple and love never that painless. By a twist of fate she gets to learn their bitter sweet story.

Merits [What was worthy of comment]

Antheros writes from the heart, he is skilled at reflecting upon the human condition. For me that makes his stories much more 'real' than the vast majority. His characters have lived, have loved and show the scars. The text is mature like a fine wine, and as often is the case his story has mists of autumn clinging to its boughs.

Demerits [What detracted from the story]

It is a little unrelenting in its sadness, having a tendency to skip the good times that also must have befallen our couple. There is a reason for this; it maintains the sepia tone, the regretful resonance the past can have for us all. It could be a little too dark for some. Some involvement from the sole male protagonist may have rounded the stories ending.

Atmosphere [How well evolved was the environment]

Marks out of 20: 18

If we look at the human environment in the text, it is lush and only too true. I would expect every reader to find many aspects of the tale both from the observer and from the observed that they can relate to (provided they are of a certain age).

Except (observer)

'I spent the rest of yesterday thinking about them. I still could feel my cheeks burning; burning too was my mind, with the sight of their complicity--in a time that love has forsaken me, it increasingly felt like a bodkin piercing my heart. At night, arriving to the empty apartment, I felt the urge to jump out of the window. I lay in the dark, feeling like a forgotten ragged cloth that nobody would ever care for.'

Excerpt (observed)

'Paul... Paul was never bad. He never hit me, as far as I know he never cheated on me, he didn't drink, he even brought me flowers on our wedding anniversaries. I didn't feel very happy with my life, however; for a long time I didn't even know it. I just went on, the daily routine of children and house and husband, everyday, over and over again. There was not much time to think. And not having much time to think was bad for me. I needed to think, to create, to feel new things. I was slowly dying on the inside, so slowly that I didn't even realize.'

The pains of lives' more ordinary than most writers tackle...

Workflow [How well did the story progress and develop]

Marks out of 20: 16

It unfolded beautifully. With more than one unanticipated twist. It's clear from the afterword that Antheros had some doubts about one of these plot developments. He need not have worried, it is carried off with some aplomb.

I am uncertain that each segment of the story needed such a 'separated' approach as the sub-chapters tend to infer. It tended to labour the point to me a little.

I have mentioned that some involvement, no matter how minor, from our male protagonist may have 'completed' the ending. I get the feeling that he would have at least approach our conversational pair, if only to retrieve his partner. His caring and acceptance could have been played into the storyline with a few fond words.

Eroticism [Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)]

Marks out of 20: 18

If we look at the definition of erotic, we tend to get more than one:

1. Of or concerning sexual love and desire; amatory.
2. Tending to arouse sexual desire.
3. Dominated by sexual love or desire.

We can see clearly that this story relates to one above and is grist to the mill as far as three is concerned. It will not, and has no pretension to two.

Does that mean it can only score a maximum of two out of three? Not in my opinion, the story exudes the very nature of eroticism - for it is the very stuff of life.

Sexuality is very much a two-edged sword, and combined with desire it can dominate lives, as to an extent it does here. Conversely it can be a route to healing, to Antheros's credit he explores this aspect as well.

Mechanics [The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.]

Marks out of 20: 19

Antheros has a tendency to capitalise letters mid-sentence. I think this is to emphasise the word, which it does; however as a reader it makes me stumble, and does the cardinal sin of divorcing me (however momentarily) from the world he is creating.

Excerpt:

'Was it the loneliness of all married women? Or was it just me, incapable of finding my will in the world that I had picked for me, in the world that, whether I liked or not, was my own? To seek Love, my dear, is the fate of the sensitive, to be carried for our whole lives. If found, we worry every day about its loss- -for one day, even it love itself won't wear down, even if it is infinite and unbounded, the whims of life will take it away: misfortunes, a turn of the Wheel of Fortune, the inescapable death.'

Now the Love in 'To seek Love, my dear' could well be a typo, but I see a few other examples in the text (could also be typo's)and they seem to come at times that suggest a point is being made.

Other than these I see very little fault in the text. Oh, I did find the idea of the bodkin a little William Shakespeare in what amounts to a contemporary story. Us authors and our love of words...

Impression [What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?]

Marks out of 20: 14

Now here I have to be honest, I liked the story, and as you can see from the scores I feel it is an accomplished tale. You can feel the but coming can't you? But, to me it is a little too grim, slightly too depressive for me to want to read too many more in this style. I like some sunshine mixed in with my rain.

Total score

85 Yotties out of 100.

Story two: Variations on a Theme by Esu

Brief outline only

A different view this time, from inside the relationship of the observed couple. They have been friends (and maybe more?) for a long time. Each went their own way, but eventually they re-find each other and establish a meaningless, but meaningful routine.

Merits [What was worthy of comment]

There is much to be liked in the easy-to-read style of writing that Esu has perfected. It allows the reader to get involved in the storyline without having to work at it. Paragraphs flow by effortlessly.

Excerpt:

'I studied his profile as he drove along, he was still displaying the same handsome features that he'd had in his youth. Of course he was older now, more distinguished since his hair had started to show a few silvery threads. The creases around his eyes had deepened too, adding to his charm in a certain way. He must have felt my gaze on him because he glanced over to me and smiled.'

There is enough description for the reader to paint their mental image of the man and her admiration of him. Many authors (self included) tend to go a little purple on the prose in descriptive passages. Well as can be seen here simplicity is highly effective.

Demerits [What detracted from the story]

The simplicity that charms can also have its problems. On occasion detail is omitted that would add to the 'environment' of the text. This can leave the reader with the feeling that the author 'wants to get this bit over - and get on to the good bit'. Unfortunate.

Excerpt:

'Once our relationship ended, I decided to go hiking through Europe. Sometimes working at the bars or taking casual jobs to pay for the next part of my travels but mainly I just had lots of fun. I made many friends and visited all the famous sites and landmarks. I did hear from a mutual friend that you had got married but I didn't know her well. She was from upper-class stock, not like me.'

The sentence 'I made many friends and visited all the famous sites and landmarks.' is classically lazy. Presumably this took months if not years, yet it is waved away without a single reference to a friend or a landmark. There is a paragraph hiding in the sentence - one which could tell the reader a lot more about our heroine.

The above paragraph is very mixed in quality and will feature in other respects later.

Slight tendency to repeat phrases or words to the point it becomes noticeable.

Atmosphere [How well evolved was the environment]

Marks out of 20: 15

Here I find the main fault with the story. It is a bit light on the detail, it seems more of a starter than a main course. Some things are very well realised however, the on - off relationship, do they don't they? Did they didn't they?

Back to that paragraph:

'Once our relationship ended, I decided to go hiking through Europe. Sometimes working at the bars or taking casual jobs to pay for the next part of my travels but mainly I just had lots of fun.'

Sorry I have no idea what her idea of fun is! It is not expanded on, I am not invited to share in it.

But at the end of the same paragraph:

'She was from upper-class stock, not like me.'

Now that is elegant, nine words and I have a complete picture, you have defined both the speaker and his wife. You have also said something that relates to the 'Englishness' of this situation. Why aren't this couple at it like bunnies behind the wife's back? Well it would not be at all Cricket would it?

Workflow [How well did the story progress and develop]

Marks out of 20: 16

On the whole not a problem; the middle - i.e. what had happened in the intervening years could be expanded upon and it would be to the benefit the story.

As I have mentioned the ambiguity of the relationship is well portrayed, and this runs throughout the piece from beginning to end. Nice.

Eroticism [Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)]

Marks out of 20: 16

Unrequited love, now is that erotic? Well the tension of 'not giving into temptation' ala 'Brief Encounter' runs deep into the understated style of the story. What could have been, could it still be? Are we on a journey to their final destination? Will Trevor Howard finally get his leg over?

The reader is left to fill in the blanks. While not be overtly sexual the story alludes to it as surely as 'crashing waves' in a 1950's film did.

Mechanics [The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.]

Marks out of 20: 18

The only marks down I have put here is for the use of slightly stilted grammar at points, which read a little to harsh for the story. In addition the subject of the sentence is not always clear.

Back to the oft quoted bit:

'I did hear from a mutual friend that you had got married but I didn't know her well.'

I presume you didn't know your mutual friend well? Oh! The wife...

Impression [What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?]

Marks out of 20: 16

Now was there enough substance in this for me to want to come back for the main course? Probably, and that's due to the ambiguity - if there were a sequel I would read it just to find out if they did or not. I reckon they will, don't you?

In addition, stories written in such easy going language encourage readers to return.

Total score

81 Yotties out of 100.

Story three: Variations on a Theme by Evil Nigel

Nigel's story is verging on flash; it is hard to outline it without giving too much away. So you will just have to read it won't you? ;-)

Merits [What was worthy of comment]

The story hangs together, complete and finished in just over 400 words (including the title). That is no mean feat, and one I find impossible personally. So respect is due. Noticeably he has also got the ability to pack a lot into a paragraph without leaving the reader feeling cheated. Others (reviewed here) could benefit from studying this paragraph.

Excerpt:

'It worked well for a while, frequently sharing multiple orgasms of the sort that only half of humanity can ever aspire to. Then it started to die. Nights spent working late. Silent phone calls. Averted looks. Finally the confessions. "I've met someone else." "I'm leaving you." Then the ultimate betrayal, "it's a man."'

Nice it works well giving enough flavour of all the things contained to satisfy a hungry reader. There is no feeling of I would like to have known more. The short 'punchy' sentences suggest as much and rip us through the unwritten explanation without raising questions in our mind.

Demerits [What detracted from the story?]

Well there are some words that jar for me, in particular words that seem too 'male' in the context of a FF story. Unfortunately one of these is in the opening sentence. It effectively pulled me out of the story in the second line.

Excerpt:

'I met her at a party. An electric shock coursed through my system as her eyes locked with mine across the crowded room. Later the introductions, then the mutual seduction, hungrily exploring each other's mouths, breasts, pussies with tongues and fingers. We fell in lust and moved in together. Then a ceremony, followed by a celebration. Dressed like a man, her sister, the 'best man', raised her glass and proposed "a toast for the happy couple!"'

'An electric shock coursed through my *system*' Sorry this is the wrong word. It would be right for a computer or a car, or maybe even a man. It is far too impersonal for a woman. I immediately think 'man's writing, and not woman's thought. The writer needs to get into a woman's head more to make this convincing.

Changing the word to the much more mundane makes it flow and sound more natural. Try:

'An electric shock coursed through my body as her eyes locked with mine across the crowded room.'

That may be more of a clich�, but for me easier on the eye. I am labouring this point as it crops up a few times in the story and each time disjoints it.

Atmosphere [How well evolved was the environment]

Marks out of 20: 13

There could be more detail about the caf�, but to be fair in a story of this length it would be superfluous. However I could feel a little closer to the participants of the tale. It is a little too much 'telling me' and not quite enough 'showing me'.

Workflow [How well did the story progress and develop]

Marks out of 20: 15

No major issues here, the progression is fast but smooth and logical. One exception is a line that questions whether ending the relationship would solve her grief. It seems a little trite, as in the paragraph before her partner had left her. Seems the decision is made!

Eroticism [Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)]

Marks out of 20: 16

Well the sex in this story is present and even reduced to a single line it is still quite raunchy.

Excerpt:

'Later the introductions, then the mutual seduction, hungrily exploring each other's mouths, breasts, pussies with tongues and fingers.'

That is good compact writing it gets the whole scenario and presents it in a rushed style that actually (IMHO) suggests the very excited passion of the first time. Simple words make effective tools (I need to note that down somewhere for reference).

On the eroticism 'is life' basis, this story also does well. It is a believable tale that could happen.

Mechanics [The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.]

Marks out of 20: 15

In general fine, I really like the use of short staccato sentences when they are needed. On the other hand when the story gets more emotional some sentences suffer from 'comma-bloat' and a full stop half way through would be appropriate. There is the occasional use of a writer's word when something simpler may fit better in the story.

Reciprocate is used in a sentence when 'do the same' would have been more natural (for the character concerned).

Impression [What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?]

Marks out of 20: 13

The story is a little 'in the raw' for me, but it shows enough promise that I would read other stories by the author. Some of the phraseology is too masculine, and I feel a little over informed about them being lesbians. In particular I got the reference to her being dressed as a man the first time around, and yet it is repeated - and a bit stereotypical.

I see great potential for Evil Nigel to perfect the flash story. He (I am presuming the Nigel is a clue) has already developed an ability for concise yet meaningful writing. That is a valuable skill.

Total score

72 Yotties out of 100.

Story four: The Last Slaver by Zen Master

Brief outline only

OK, I will let Zen Master do this for himself:

Author's note: This story is set in the shared "White Slave Act of 2000" universe, about 40 years in the future, and discusses it at length. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to www.darkeroticfiction.com and read any story there. Read it first; much of this won't make any sense if you don't have the background. I'm all about B&D, but that story-line is too dark for me. This is my answer.

One note, I did check out the suggested website and read a bit. In reality I don't think it is essential - you can pick up enough of the references in the story to go with the flow. That said I *am* a Sci-Fi/techno-nerd, so I may be more comfortable with doing that than some - my head already lives in 'alternate realities'. :-)

Merits [What was worthy of comment]

Major one - guess what? Old people are sexual! Wow! Now of course people are *sexual* beings from the cradle to the grave. No matter what anyone tells you, and here is an author writing about a woman who has sexual feelings just 3 years shy of her telegram from the queen (97 for the non-English out there). Well done, well done indeed!

Excerpt:

'When I let Jim back up, I could see the change in Mr. Johnson's eyes. Always before, when he had seen me, he had seen old Jasmine Burke, an old person, useless and ready to die. Now, he looked at me with a man's eyes, and saw a woman, a fellow human being. Being 97 just meant that I was no longer as attractive as I once was, and maybe had some health problems.'

How many times do we do this? See the 'other' as asexual, be it due to age or disability - far too often! Yes even liberal little old me (and I suspect you).

There is a lot of narrative in the story, but it is very naturally handled and not obtrusive.

There is also the real 'feel' of an institution in the story, wonderfully and simply realised.

Excerpt:

'These days that wasn't very far. Every one of us was here because of medical problems, and the staff fussed over us until I wanted to use the cane on them. In fact, that was one of the reasons I'd fought against the walker so long. I couldn't very well pick a walker up and use it to clear some breathing room, now could I? Still, the staff was as pleasant as they could be. I'd been other places, and I appreciated the effort that management had gone to, to hire staff that liked helping others. Either that, or the staff was paid well enough to pretend to like it. I was pretty sure that we had some of both kinds here.'

The mere suggestion of the types of staff, when combined with the 'I'd been other places' paints an elegant picture. One that is as relevant to real institutions now as it is the Zen's imagined one.

Demerits [What detracted from the story]

Not much, some of the explanation of the cultural changes that occurred and the consequences of the virus are a little 'minute' like and lack the flow of the rest of the piece. This could be deliberate, but I get the feel of someone 'having' to explain - this should not ideally communicate itself to the reader.

Excerpt:

'In 2007, the abolitionists came up with an answer to those bastards at NMG. An objective observer might have called it a diabolical answer, but I believe that the devil would have protected his own, if he'd been given a chance. It took them a couple of years of inspired genetic engineering, but their end result was almost a specific for "Exploitive men working for or with the National Media Group", the company behind the White Slave Act of 2000.'

Hmm, convenient what! The 'almost a specific' is never enlarged upon... I smell a plot weakness here, the brush strokes are too broad. This author hasn't fully considered the technology and wants me to ignore it. OK I will - it's a good story.

The reader might give you this leeway. Not this reviewer though - pet hate!

Atmosphere [How well evolved was the environment]

Marks out of 20: 19

For me a real strength of the text, Zen takes the time to establish the atmosphere of the 'home' before taking us into the main action of the piece. It is done by 'showing' us the type of place it is, not by merely telling us.

Excerpt:

'Others trickle in, pretty much in the same pattern as every other day, everyone going to the same table they always sit at. Not much changes around here, which is why my spin on our social scene is so popular. I sit alone, by my own choice. I almost always found my own thoughts to be more pleasant than their mindless chatter. Uh, oh. The Johnsons hadn't come in, and it was almost seven. Not that anyone cared about the time -we would all get fed whenever we showed up- but this was very unlike them. I waved my hand. "Jim!"

When our waiter (Jim was _not_ just a waiter; he was _far_ more than that, but pretending that I was enjoying a delightful breakfast at a corner cafe along the Seine always helped my blood pressure) had walked over and leaned down, I whispered in his ear "Are the Johnsons okay?"'

Bravo, wonderfully done! I really feel her need for escapism. Not much changes, not much happens and the only thing I can do is keep the inmates aware of the latest news - such as it is. Imagine being trapped here with a bright mind. On the other hand don't -you could be looking at your own destiny.

Workflow [How well did the story progress and develop]

Marks out of 20: 14

I have marked this aspect down so far due to what may have been a plot requirement, the explanation. So why the concern? Because it reads in places like one of those awful moments in detective shows when one character turns to another and talks; just ensure the audience out there in TV land gets it. This author is better than that.

This is also where I marked down for the mentioned pet hate... Never try to bluff a nerd :-)

Eroticism [Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)]

Marks out of 20: 17

Well yes, the whole story oozes with sexuality and delights in how fundamental that subject is to us all. The youngest active protagonists are in their sixties, and not only 'at it' but happily involved in a master/slave relationship! [The very idea - and it's probably happening in a house somewhere near you now in reality.]

These people have lived, have gone through difficult times and still feel sexy - now that is erotic.

Mechanics [The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.]

Marks out of 20: 17

A couple of mindless personal comments [which have no influence on the score]. I dislike indents - I find it harder to read especially when there are short paragraphs. I am not a fan of using the 'web' _conventions_ to *emphasise* writing. Good writing should give the cadence without any need for artefacts.

I am marking it down for choosing to replace standard punctuation with other characters.

Excerpt:

'I needed a walker -I'd finally given up on just using a cane a few months back- but other than that I was ready to go anywhere they'd let me.'

This works perfectly fine with commas in place of the dashes. It is also far less interruptive of the text.

Oh, and apostrophes in names there two slips *Johnsons'* as they are a couple.

Impression [What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?]

Marks out of 20: 17

A very good story with a lot of modern morality encased seamlessly. In the world of BD this is as rare as in any genre, and always a refreshing find. It does suffer from the 'niche' aspect and will not (I think) appeal to all. That however should not and has had no impact on the score. I will seek out more stories by this author. I recommend any one else to do the same.

Total score

84 Yotties out of 100.

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Readability guide

• 00-19 must try harder.
• 20-39 needs development
• 40-59 readable
• 60-79 good read
• 80-99 should read
• 100 reserved for my stories :-)

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Post review comments

Well the marathon is over. All in all it was very enjoyable. There are no winners or losers here. The scores differ yes, but each story has its own merits. The nicest thing for me has to be seeing the depth of variety our author's can come up with given a challenge. Congratulations are due to all, not in the least for *doing something* of a joint nature in both ASSM and ASSD. It would be just as nice to see the rest of the group *do* something and respond to the authors efforts.

Thanks are due to the originator of the challenge, Stasya T Canine. You can't keep an old dog down can you? :-)

(c) Copyright 2006 Yotna El'Toub. All Rights Reserved.