1. FEBRUARY

"Excellent dinner my dear."

"Thank you darling. My pleasure is to please ."

"And as usual, you have succeeded admirably. - And how did your day go? What did the good ladies of the hospital auxiliary achieve today?"

"Well, we sent off the last payment on the day care furniture and decided on a new project for this year. We're going to replace the bassinets in the maternity wing. Those that are there now are little better than orange crates."

"That's the truth, but those things don't come cheap. You're talking serious money here."

"We know that. We're looking for about ten thousand."

"And how do you figure to raise that amount? Another pie and cake sale won't scratch it."

"That's for sure. No, we plan on going into business - starting an escort service."

"Oh yes? Like exotic ladies in evening gowns to provide sparkling companionship to the tired businessman?"

"Something like that."

"Well if you're planning on raising ten thou' in a few months it sounds a little risky. There are some social and legal proscriptions against such enterprises you know."

"We think we have an angle there."

"Really? You'd better be damn sure of it. - And where are you going to recruit the young girls for this bordello you're planning?"

"No young girls - mature and sophisticated ladies only. You've seen our committee."

"Oh, like that eh? Well, I must admit you'll look far to find a better looking bevy of broads - excuse me, collection of mature and sophisticated ladies, but how do you advertise your service to potential customers without letting everyone know what you're doing? It seems paradoxical. And if I'm not mistaken, all ten members of your committee have husbands of some visibility in the community who might object to your activities, if not for personal reasons, at least with selfish regard for social profile."

"I wonder which would be of greater concern for you, my love. But not to worry, our list of customers - Johns if you will - is limited to those whose discretion is guaranteed by precisely those same concerns."

"Oh I get it. You scheming witches are going to extort the money from your husbands under threat of withholding your oh-so-desirable favors. Well, my darling, as my share would come to well over a thousand dollars, I must demur. Rather than submit to such blackmail, I would give the money to a legitimate escort service."

"Oh no, my sweet. You don't understand. I am here for you willingly, even hopefully, at your merest whim - any time - how about now? What we are proposing is an honest call girl service for a limited clientele. Every two weeks or so, each of a select number of lucky gentlemen gets to spend a delightful evening with a different beautiful and charming lady. He gets to buy her a dinner at a fancy restaurant - champagne and lobster - and retire to a glamorous hotel suite for the night. He stands all expenses, of course, and in the morning presents the lady with an envelope containing a check for two hundred dollars made out to the Saint Mary's Hospital Children's Fund - tax deductible."

"The scheme is beginning to exhibit a certain appeal. And while the gentleman is relaxing in these sybaritic surroundings, his spouse, I take it, will be doing her bit for the bassinet fund."

"You wouldn't want us to go hungry would you?"

"That would be selfish, wouldn't it? And is the complete committee involved in this?"

"No, two of the ladies begged off. They were enthusiastic enough but reticent about even suggesting it at home. You'll never know exactly who those two are as we decided to remove one more name from the calendar of each of the gentlemen so you'll never know which two of the three you miss were never in the game."

"Only two out of ten were afraid to suggest this to their husbands? Amazing. You seem to have been pretty confident that I would consider participation in such an outrageous scheme."

"Oh no, dear. Just say the word and I'll drop it right now, never mention it again."

"Come off that. You know damn well that you had my attention when I didn't hit the roof immediately."

"We're in then?"

"Let's say we'll not be the wet blanket. We're in if at least four others are. Let's see, with two out and one blank there's six steamy weekends. Would it be legal to take a tax deduction for the checks?"

"Not the dinner and room expenses. And that's seven steamy weekends, buster. You wouldn't deny me one professional night with you would you."

"That should be interesting. You can be the grand finale."

"Deal."

__________

2. APRIL

"Oh - yummy - that was good my pet. You've always been able to curl my toes but we've both improved these last two months, don't you think?"

"Absolutely. I was genuinely concerned at first that we could be making a big mistake but you're more desirable than ever - may I add 'satisfying'."

"Well, in the process of losing my amateur status, I have been careful to pick up on any subtle hints of what pleases the male animal, things you have never thought to mention - or were embarrassed to suggest."

"Or had never thought of, like that subtle walking movement with the knees you just treated me to. Who taught you that?"

"I'll never tell. Client information is confidential. It's the code of the professional. Hookers and lawyers have similar codes of ethics. And you never did have the location of my most erogenous spot quite right until recently. I wish I knew whom to thank for teaching you."

"You'd never guess. It was that ever so prim and proper Mrs. Anderson. I still can't call her by her first name. When not working at it, she does not invite familiarity. At first I was really disappointed to find she was my initial assignment, she's so intimidating. When she strode so regally across the foyer of the Ambassador and drew off a glove to extend me her hand - 'Good evening, my name is Frances and I'm your escort for the evening.' - I really dummied up, forgot all the smart remarks and dazzling conversation I had ready. But she thawed me out during dinner with quiet charm and rapt attention to my inane remarks. Before the salad was removed, I had the feeling we were the only two people in the restaurant and she so obviously enjoyed the desert I couldn't resist reaching over to touch her hand. She looked me straight in the eye and laughed. Have you noticed the flecks of green in her eyes? And then later - "

"Spare me the bedroom scene, darling, I'm getting all excited."

"That's good because I am too."

"Anyway I'll have to thank her for your lesson in anatomy - yeah, that's it."

"That was even better than the last time, darling. I noticed your eyes were closed. Of whom were you thinking?"

"Of the girl I want for a full time mistress and she just happens to be in this bed with me right now."

"That's the right answer, you may kiss me. How did you get along with little Bonnie Abbot?"

"She is a cute little button isn't she? A little young for this crowd though, don't you think?"

"You didn't answer the question."

"No, and I don't think I should."

"You're quite right. I just had a slight twinge of jealousy thinking of that youthful little bosom against this hairy chest of yours. Not a good sign."

"Right, but hey, how did you know she's been on my agenda? I thought you had a complicated set of sealed envelopes controlling the program."

"We do but she told me herself. You must have treated her well. She was quite enthusiastic about your performance. Apart from her and Frances I have no idea who's on your menu or who's scheduled for this weekend."

"Do you know who's on yours?"

"Not until he shows up at the rendezvous. We agreed that we are entitled to a little pleasurable anticipation too. Now shut up and go to sleep."

__________

3. JUNE

"Good news, dear. One of our dropouts is back in the fold. You have the opportunity to make one more donation."

"That's good news? This program is bankrupting me as it is."

"Oh can that. We're spending less this season than the trip to Greece would have cost us."

"True, but are you happy?"

"Darling, Greece will still be there next year and I wouldn't have missed this year if it meant I could never go to Greece."

"Good, I'm happy your happy and I'm happy with everything. Now how did this lost sheep return to the fold? - Finally got up courage to talk to hubby?"

"No, she confessed to Bonnie in strict confidence that the reason she had begged off is that her husband has become irreversibly impotent so she had to rule herself out. Bonnie went straight to the man and told him of our philanthropic project and he begged her to arrange the woman's participation. I think it's quite touching. The poor dear has been celibate for over three years. We've managed to stretch and rearrange the schedule to get her full exposure."

"'Full exposure' could be your committee's motto - but now you have an unbalance, more escorts than clients."

"That's OK, a working girl should have an occasional night off. You won't know when mine is. I'll be gone as usual when you get home some Friday and then return after you've left."

"You're all heart."

__________

4. SEPTEMBER

"Incidentally, dear, you could reactivate the dummy dropouts. The identity of the real one is no longer a secret."

"Oh, how is that?"

"Two of the fellows got to comparing notes and discovered that between them they could account for all nine of your participating members."

"So it's the 'fellows' now?"

"Inevitable, don't you think. Except for George Willoughby, I hardly knew any of the others before you started this project but one can hardly go on ignoring a man who's spent a romantic evening with one's wife."

"And with whose wife one has spent an equally intimate eight hours or so."

"Precisely. Actually we've congealed into a very chummy closed group - Thursday lunch and all that. They're a great bunch. We call ourselves the Old Kooks."

"What a terrible play on words. - Yes, I'll bring up this possible extension of the program at tomorrow's meeting. It's very timely, we may be a few dollars short on the budget but eight more donations should put us over the top quite nicely. We were thinking we might have to hold a raffle."

"What kind of raffle?"

"Oh, eight tickets, nine prizes - everybody wins, big winner gets extra - that sort of thing."

"I'm sorry I brought up the alternative."

"Well, it's still a viable concept, after the elections we plan on looking into procuring a couple of incubators to go with the new bassinets."

"Your raffle will hardly cover that."

"Oh, we haven't run out of ideas."

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