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From: Nick
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 00:13:29 GMT
I read the story last night, and now, as with 'Maggie', here I am commenting on it.
Firstly, it's not my genre, so some of the 'in' comments might be lost on me.
The tension was built up nicely throughout, and although olive skinned male doctors do nothing for me, I could empathise with how he felt. Not a bad trick, I guess.
Having steeled myself for a tale of unrelenting adulation for male beauty or non-stop buggery, I was pleased to find it had a girl in it, and I liked the description of her. sorry, this sounds as if I'm clutching at straws to say something nice, but thats partly because most of the other things have been said already!
As for improvements, I think the story wouold have been more powerful if the doctors sexuality had been kept a mystery, i.e. if he hadn't actually 'indulged'. I know this is about sex stories and of course you have to do this, but as a fictional device, it would have worked better, I think, if he'd been left a man of mystery.
Finally, I don't think the girl would have walked in unannounced while the 'patient' was having a plaster cast of his penis made.
Not a bad story.
Cheers
Nick
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: 21 Aug 2001 15:59:08 GMT
The writing is alive. Vivid. I have so many favorite parts. Just that there is this clinic offering such a special service. And the Doc's "bedside" manner. And the receptionist's reaction. I like the way the thing comes into focus.
Lots of little things I think could be improved, too. There's a word or phrase too much in a few places. A stretched figure of speech.
And a few things I'm not sure about. The Doc's "disappearance" when the receptionist comes in. I feel a little confused and tricked by that. Without a title, how am I to know what the story is about?
--Mat Twassel
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 16:45:11 -0600
First, I liked the imagery and the situation. The fascination with the receptionist, the whole doctor's office scene, and the action which goes on, all are very well done. The casting, and its secret purpose, also were interesting things, making it a bit different than just a doctor visit tale.
On the downside, it wasn't clear enough that the doctor didn't really indulge the lead's secret desires. If he did, then he sure disappeared mysteriously. I think that it needs a sentence or two explaining it, if not before the action, then after it. Now, reading it, I took it to be a real action, not fantasy. But what happened with the doctor is a mystery, and wants explaining.
I'd like to have a more concrete suggestion to make it better, but I think that just making it a little clearer is the main thing. Might apply to other scenes, too, where I had to read it more than once to spot things.
But the whole doctor's office environment was wonderfully realized.
From: Ray
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 01:09:10 -0400
I don't really have any comments about this story, except that felt it was well written.
Most everything else was covered by the other reviewing authors earlier in the week.
From: Anoninsac
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: 22 Aug 2001 16:23:18 -0700
Not my favorite genre so take this with qualifications I guess.
I liked the writing if you were going for a down and dirty feeling to the scene.
I also felt the scene shift at the end was jarring. I could follow it eventually but it took a while to realize that it had been a fantasy. Maybe a line right at the point the receptionist opens the door to let the reader know that a train of thought is being broken... Could be subtle but IMHO the reader need the help to make the transition.
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 05:07:01 GMT
Good: It's unfair to say the whole story. But...
1 Basic invention of the clinic. Doctors taking casts of phalluses (Phalli ?)
2 The stream of consciousness approach. Once he got there, the whole thing went just forward. Only way you could do this one.
Change:
1 The later comments about the receptionists hair. I haven't the faintest idea what a Hostess Steve Garvey 3-D baseball card is. Once you've got the hair, let it ride.
2 How the hell did he get the plaster off the cock?
From: Anne747
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: 25 Aug 2001 03:43:39 GMT
Damn, I waited too long. Uther stole my main comment!
Basically I loved this piece. Anything I comment on is pretty minor.
I found some of the language a little jarring (puckerhole sticks out the most), but... having a book with a collection of gay male porn on my bookcase*, it's not out of line for the general audience.
My biggest issue was the point Uther mentioned - from a 'how to' point of view, I would think he'd have to get pretty soft to slip out.
Anne
* Strange but true, I find it hotter than the printed women's erotica I have at the moment.
From: Poison Ivan
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: Fri, 24 Aug 2001 23:45:11 -0400
I thought this was very nicely done. I liked the way the main character came into focus. This is a guy who falls easily into fantasy, nearly Walter-Mitty-like.You can tell by the way he gushes for the doctor and the way he fawns over the receptionist's hair.
Unlike some people in this thread, I liked the way the ending came about. This is a guy who is prone to bouts of fantasy, so he would lose himself this way, I think. And while I wasn't exactly sure what was going on at first, by the time it was wrapped up, everything was clear, and I understood our hero even better.
I felt the last couple paragraphs cheated a little. Luiz gets introduced so late in the story, it's almost like he's an afterthought, like he was dreamed up just to give the story a way to end. It would take very little - a single mention in passing earlier in the story - to make his appearance less of a surprise.
My other suggestoin is more a questoin, I think. Would a regular general practice doctor give penis casts like this? From the part where the doctor gives the physical, I assume he's meant to be in general practice. I can imagine that penis casts could be given on occasion, but I would think it would be uncommon enough that the receptionist wouldn't know right away what he wanted. If he had to come right out and tell the receptionist what he wanted, use the words himself, it would clear that up for me. I think it would be interesting to see how he would come out and say this, too!
I think the part of the story I like the most, though, is how he feels compelled to expose himself to the doctor. I thought all those passages were great, just perfect. There were lots of other little places that were perfect, too, but I just loved the way he struts!
Great job, PCain!
From: PleaseCain
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: 26 Aug 2001 01:42:47 GMT
My thanks to everyone who commented on the story, particularly because the subject matter may not be everyone's cup of tea. But to hear objective opinions and suggestions on my writing is a real treat, so thanks again.
I obviously need to add some touch of transition between the fantasy about the doctor and the point where the patient is discovered by the receptionist. I had suspected that this would be a sticking point and might need more elucidation, and yet didn't want to beat the reader over the head by saying " ... but it was all only a dream." For most readers, I didn't quite pull it off. Good to know. I'm on it.
Pulling off the cast, hm ... Has anyone ever read those old stories about Led Zeppelin and Hendrix and Pamela DesBarnes and the Plaster Casters? I've always wondered about the exact procedure, particularly at the end. In my story I imagined that the doctor maintains the patient's full erection using a cockring, and that by removing it, enough room is created to remove the cast. That would probably involve the passing of a bit more time as well, but I figured this to be one of those detail-obstacles that I could sort of barrel over through sheer pacing and attention to the sexual goings-on. However, after a review, I didn't even have him remove the cockring. Something I will fix.
There were comments about jarring language, but I find that male-male porn carries a different vocabulary, a much more aggressive sensibility, at times to the point of clownishness, which is reflected in the prose. I usually write male-female, but when I write male-male I remove some of the usual descriptive constraints in an effort to emulate what I have observed. Of course, the particular words cited may simply not fit within the story, and in that case I've failed by losing the reader.
The language needs tightening, apart from word-choice. The narrator has a flamboyant voice, and yet some of the descriptions go slightly overboard. Chop, chop, chop.
Lastly, your compliments were so encouraging. I give out a big Woo-Hoo! with each one, and vow to write again another day. All your comments are saved, and I will edit and title the story accordingly. I'm not sure there is a market for this one, but it won't be my last story either.
By the way, around 1993 the apartment of one of the former Plaster Casters was burglarized, so there is an authentic Jimi Hendrix phallus replica out there somewhere. Wonder if it will ever turn up on eBay.
Cain
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From: Desdmona
Re: Untitled, by PleaseCain
Date: 20 Aug 2001 12:24:09 GMT
Cain~
I thought you did a great job setting the scene. The description of the receptionist and her attitude"...having already dismissed me." The "bundle, thinner than Saturday's newspaper," and "..the little ricepaper covering the vinyl examination table..." All really work to give me a visual picture.
I was also intrigued by the glimpse into his past with the shaving cream, smelling like his father's, and his subsequent behavior.
I found the casting part pretty interesting--wonder if I can get my husband to do that for those times he's away?
I felt like the set-up was so good and then for some reason I was let down with the use of the word, "flagpole." It jarred me. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe his voice up to that point was a little more conventional? I think I might have even liked the word, "staff" better here. Or something more conventional like cock.
It took me a re-read to really understand that there was fantasy involved and not *real* action. I wonder if you could use a little more description as to what the receptionist sees when she re-enters the room to make it more clear. (especially since you're so good at painting a picture with description)
Thanks for submitting this story for us!
Desdmona