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From: PleaseCain
Re: Slow Cruise, by Gray Beard
Date: 03 Jun 2003 00:49:10 GMT
I like the opening, all those hot images like a sex story should (sounds like a Winston ad), and in only a few paragraphs we are into the story. I liked all the sex scenes, graphic without going overboard into cartoonish. One thing I would like to see is the introduction written in present tense, which might amp up that section even more, make it more immediate and sultry.
What did jolt me me however, given her initial discomfort about the idea of dating a younger man, were her repeated self-deprecating references after the affair had begun. "[W]aiting on an old lady who spends hours in the bathroom in order to look halfway decent?"; "My god, you look young. I haven't been with a man who looked this young since my Paul died"; "The joys of sex with post-menopausal women - we need lube" - I realize they are supposed to be playful remarks made within an intimate relationship, but they don't sound right coming from a sexually self-assured woman with a less-secure man, and still early in the relationship. Not like women I know anyway, who by that age know exactly what they want (like Julie does) and don't defer to boys like they did 30 years earlier.
I enjoyed your story. Welcome to the Fish Tank!
Cain
From: smilodon
Re: Slow Cruise, by Gray Beard
Date: Tue, 3 Jun 2003 10:06:42 +0000 (UTC)
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
I can't begin to tell you how valuable the "behind the scenes" efforts of so many people are to making the FishTank successful. And thanks to the efforts of one such FishTank supporter who promoted the tank, this week we have another author new to the FishTank. This is the second story this author has ever written. He's interested in improving his writing which is why he turned to the FishTank for assistance. Let's show him what we can do!
The author's own words:
Lots of stories revolve around a young man's introduction to sex at the hands of an older woman. But in this story, he's 45 and not a virgin. I guess this grew out a flirtation with an older woman, and is an attempt to imagine a romance.
This is a complete story at 4,804 words. FishTank guidelines apply:
OK, this is my first attempt at giving any real sort of critique because I have this hang up about 'being unqualified' to criticise other's work.
Positive comments:
I liked the story very much. Grey Beard, you have talent. The story flows and engaged me - I really wanted to know what happened.
I particularly liked some of the imagery ' it felt like a cloud, it felt like heaven.'
Areas for improvement:
I found some of the bits about the wife a little contradictory. The story opens with the couple making love, which, by all accounts, was good for both of them. Later, we are told, they didn't have a great sex life, contrary to that first impression. It nagged at me slightly - smacked of 'justifying' the act of sex with someone else.
'Classic 69.' I really didn't like that! As opposed to a post-modern 69? a baroque 69? That could be just me, of course. I've seen that phrase used in a number of stories and have never liked it.
So, a couple of little criticisms but still a good story, well told.
smilodon
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: Slow Cruise, by Gray Beard
Date: 3 Jun 2003 10:51:52 -0700
Gray Beard
Although there is about twenty to thirty years age difference, I was reminded while reading this story of Jack C Lipton's own Fish Tank submission. In both stories, the man is fairly gauche and awkward, whilst it is the woman who makes all the moves and is the most capable in the world of lovemaking. In both stories, the sexual encounter has remarkable restorative qualities, and everything ends happily ever after.
Maybe I just don't know about the genre, but perhaps this is what defines "rom". Fiction with a strong sexual content where an awkward ugly duckling meets the handsome princess (or something). Whether this is likely or whatever, I can't comment but clearly it is a popular kind of story, and as far as fantasies go there are many much worse ones.
I felt the balance of the story was slightly wrong. The first scene with the breast cancer should have been rather longer, perhaps taking up to a third of the length of the whole. That way the contrast between the wife and Julie could have been told more subtly. I also thought the sex scene went on rather too long (but I would, wouldn't I?) I suppose there are women who like having their faces pasted with semen, but very few (if any) of my acquaintance. I also would have liked to have found out more about Katy, whose significance is only hinted at in the final sentence.
However, I was pleased to read a story about love between people in their middle years and I liked the references to cancer, the menopause and the fact that sex in married life is not necessarily twenty years of wham bang. I particularly liked the way the story highlighted the area of incomprehension where the wife is seen to somehow blame her husband for her cancer. Men and women generally do have different responses to disasters, and we don't need a whole load of books about women coming from Venus and men coming from Texas, to recognise that. And typically, men don't understand a woman's response (or vice versa).
Very brave to submit and a pleasure to read.
Bradley Stoke
http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke
From: Tesseract
Re: Slow Cruise, by Gray Beard
Date: 4 Jun 2003 04:34:17 -0700
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
***************************************** Slow Cruise (MF, slow, rom) By Gray Beard
[email protected]
It's a good story and reminds us that older people can also enjoy sex. I like the opening. It is a sex story and this is the place for sex stories. Some people here have often suggested that opening with a sex scene is a good way to grab the reader's attention.
His feeling of loss is an important part of the story and his loss is still with him, even at the end, though he has learned to live with it better. It's only fair that the loss is also with the reader.
I think it's quite okay for her to cry out "Oh, god," as good sex can be a religious experience (so I've been told. I haven't had any religious experiences to compare it with). Capitalize it or not, depending on your vision of god. "Oh, shit" just doesn't have the same feeling to it. If we had a one syllable word for Satan, you could use that instead, assuming that your religion has a devil. Having used "Oh, god" in the dialogue you don't have to repeat it in the narration. Besides avoiding the repetition, it helps to differentiate Julie from our hero.
Prior to that, sex with my wife had not always gone well,
This line doesn't fit with the opening. The opening doesn't mention how often they had sex but it does suggest that it was good.
Katy's role is troublesome. It's hard to understand why she is in the story. Consider giving her a bigger role or dropping her completely. The scenes with her are good, but do they really help push the story forward?
"companions", as she called them, over the years - men {who /whom} she could take to parties,
And now I was with a woman I admired very much, who was very self-assured, {who / whom} I thought very beautiful, and who was looking for some loving, if not some love.
I think "whom" is a sadly neglected word that should be returned to its rightful place in the English language.
I enjoyed this story. Thanks for sharing.
Tesseract
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From: Garylian
Re: Slow Cruise, by Gray Beard
Date: Mon, 02 Jun 2003 13:35:57 -0500
Hey Gray Beard!
Busy day today, so I am going to cut right to the chase!
2 Positives:
a) The story had a good flow to it. The pacing was nice, and easy to follow. (Except for d below)
b) Very solid paragraphs. They were concise, didn't stray from their subject, and followed the rules. All too often, that is where people sometimes slip up. Good job.
2 Constructive Criticisms:
c) Julie is fond of saying "Oh, god!" God is a proper noun, and should be capitalized. Since it is a sex story, and some people might be put off by having God's name used in such a way (even though it is appropriate) you can consider using "Oh, shit!" or some other exclamation.
d) Starting the story out with the sex where the protaganist discovers a lump that proves to be cancerous and leads to his wife's death is a tough hole to work out of. It casts a pall over the story. In a story that is relatively short, like this one, it is hard to lose that initial feeling of loss, even as the protagonist starts down the path to emotional and sexual rebirth.
Don't get me wrong, stories like this need to be told. The story was a good one. I just felt that if the story had taken more time to develop, I would have felt the protagonist's recovery. As it was, I was a little put off by it. As the reader, I hadn't yet shaken that felling of loss from my mind.
You have talent, Gray Beard. Keep on writing!
Garylian