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From: celia batau
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 2002 20:21:28 -0700
hi Desdmona and Wandering Lanes!
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
pozzie one: we liked the idea. the idea of humans as not humans as humans was good. so was the time repeats. :)
pozzie two: there are some really good images like "raking" and the blue flash and the whole aquarium part. :)
neggie two: there is a lot of explanation. we think maybe it might be stronger if you stayed with what the characters were doing and filled in with bits of info where it was needed maybe.
neggie two: it felt like there was a lot crushed into a very short story. but it kind of made sense like an introduction. but we think maybe if things unfolded slower and more naturally then the whole conflict/interaction between Sapphire, Steel, and Time would be a lot sharper.
-cb
From: celia batau
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 16:08:14 -0700
he's the hard-driven, unemotional leader of a team of supernaturals. she's the blue-eyed, water-loving, polymorph with a secret love for her leader. they fight time!
-cb
celia batau's story site: http://www.myplanet.net/pinataheart/stories.htm.
we'll drink chicha from your skull
from your teeth we'll make a necklace
from your bones, flutes
from your skin we'll make a drum
and then we'll dance.
-Incan rhyme
"celia batau" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
hi Desdmona and Wandering Lanes!
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ... 1) 2 positive comments 2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
pozzie one: we liked the idea. the idea of humans as not humans as humans was good. so was the time repeats. :)
pozzie two: there are some really good images like "raking" and the blue flash and the whole aquarium part. :)
neggie two: there is a lot of explanation. we think maybe it might be stronger if you stayed with what the characters were doing and filled in with bits of info where it was needed maybe.
neggie two: it felt like there was a lot crushed into a very short story. but it kind of made sense like an introduction. but we think maybe if things unfolded slower and more naturally then the whole conflict/interaction between Sapphire, Steel, and Time would be a lot sharper.
-cb
From: Desdmona
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 2002 15:57:10 -0400
The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery By Wandering Lanes
Wandering Lanes~
I'm not at all familiar with the TV show that this idea originates from, but I very much like the idea of these elements as superheroes. I'm a little confused though because isn't Sapphire a gemstone, rather than an element? And isn't steel a mixture of iron and zinc, and whatever else? So I'm wondering if elements is the right term, even though I want it to be. I wonder if you could choose names from the periodic table? Like Caesium, Lead, Zinc..I don't know I'm just guessing, it's been awhile since I looked at the table. Or elements like Rain or Snow.
Something else I like is the bit of irony that Time destroys rather than heals because when you think about it, Time really does destroy. Isn't that what aging is - a very slow destruction of our bodies.
I'm not sure if this was your intent as a take from the TV show, but the story has a real screenplay feel to it. A suggestion might be to really play (pun intended) it up. Act I Scene I: Our heroine, Sapphire, has been transported to the wrong place. Enters Steel, trapped in the body of Charles ....etc. Also, there seems to be a lot of "action directions" with people entering and leaving and moving about. This could be handled as stage directions in a play set up.
One other suggestion I have is in the repeated sections where Sapphire has turned back time, you might consider starting the scene but skimming over it instead of a full repeat. At first, I thought it was just an error. And there's also a little fear that by the third time, a reader might say, Oh! No! Not again.
As I said in the beginning, I like these elements as superheroes and it seems like a budding series waiting to really take shape. As far as sex, you could have easily put in a sex scene in the bedroom of this one, and imagine all the possibilities of sex and the elements. Sex and the Elements. Hmm. I'm liking that!
Thanks so much for being a part of the anniversary! I appreciate your enthus iasm and your efforts!
Des
From: Altan
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: Fri, 30 Aug 2002 21:14:45 GMT
I know I'm a bit late with this, it was a busy week ...
On Mon, 26 Aug 2002 09:14:25 -0400, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
Fishtank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
Positive 1: I vaguely remember watching Sapphire and Steel, and specifically finding Sapphire very sexy. Unfortunately, I don't remember any details ...
Positive 2: I like the idea of repetition, and of breaking out of it slowly. Watching the repetitions, and watching the changes between them, added to the anticipation.
Improvement 1: I found this story very hard to read. It may be just me, although I believe others have commented on this. I think the story might become a lot better if it was shortened to half its current size, concentrating on what moves the tale forward. Sapphire's and Steele's struggle to escape was becoming a bit tedious.
Improvement 2: The story as it is seems to lean a bit too much on the TV series, with which the reader may not be familiar. Even though I've seen the series, it was so long ago that I had a bit of trouble with the story. I would suggest to try and read the story as if you'd never seen the TV series, then see how it reads.
I'd love to see a tightened-up version, though. And I wonder if there are videos of Sapphire and Steel somewhere, see if it is really as sexy as I remember.
A.
http://www.asstr.org/~altan/
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: Mon, 26 Aug 2002 23:31:41 -0600
On Mon, 26 Aug 2002 09:14:25 -0400, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
Our second story is a complete story at 5,544 words in length. By the looks of things, both of our FT stories appear to be mysteries this week. I had no idea about their content when I assigned their date to be posted. It just happened that way. In the words of the author:
The characters Sapphire and Steel were created by P.J. Hammond for the British television series Sapphire and Steel in the late seventies/early eighties - the original players were Joanna Lumley as Sapphire and David McCallum as Steel.
Imagine a universe like ours where the idea of Time keeps trying to enter and destroy everything, and Elements were brought together to fight Time - heavy transuranic elements can not be used where there is life so medium weights are used - Gold, Silver, Copper, Steel, Lead, Tin, Carbon and Sapphire, being the common ones available.
"Sapphire and Steel have been assigned!"
Quick minor things: Charles Steel is called Michael Steel. There might be other naming confusions in the story; an easy editing fix.
Nothing you can do about it now, I suppose, but Sapphire and Steel aren't "elements" unless your playing with Alchemy. Doesn't affect the story so much as confusing the background.
I liked the overall story, the eternal struggle thing. I'm not familiar with the series, so I can't tell how much is drawn from it or how well it fits it. But the supernatural but human-feeling agents make for an interesting situation, and a chance to explore the impact that a small thing like a Fish Tank might have. Nice metaphor, really.
I'd like to make some other good suggestion for improvement, but can't think of anything right off.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Desdmona
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: Sun, 1 Sep 2002 10:04:51 -0400
************************************************ The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery By Wandering Lanes [email protected]
Homer Vargas has written to me and expressed an interest in participating in the FishTank. Because of his location he is unable to participate in newsgroups. Therefore I am posting his comments for him.
Fish Tank #62
Positive Comment 1: The idea of certain forms of simple, inorganic matter having personalities, is an interesting one. [Please do not call steel and sapphire "elements," however. Steel is an alloy of the elements Carbon and Iron and Sapphire is a complex molecule of Aluminum, Silicon, and Oxygen, if I recall correctly.]
Positive Comment 2: No spelling errors:
Suggestion for improvement 1: Give more background in the induction. The beginning of the story really does not make any sense to this reader who is unfamiliar with the television series. How does Time's entry "destroy everything?" I could not figure out what was happening.
Suggestion for improvement 2 Go through and punctuate properly, keeping in mind that sentences are separated by periods. Independent clauses may be joined by semicolon, not commas.
The medium was heavy and damp[;] no not damp but wet[. S]he was underwater. 'Steel[,]' she mentally called out[. T]hey had both been assigned to this place[. T]ime was making a breakthrough[,] somehow, normally with the help of the humans who lived on this world, always raking up the past[,] not knowing that sometimes it raked back. {BTW that conjunction of the phrases, "raked up," "raked back" is a nice one, as was, later, Steel not having learned to "temper" his words.}
Cheers,
My stories are now found on
http://www.storiesonline.net (Thanks Lazeez)
http://www.eroticstories.com (Thanks, Art)
http://www.asstr.org/~Vargas/stories.html (Thanks Kristen)
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From: Tesseract
Re: The Fish Tank - A Sapphire and Steel Mystery, by Wandering Lanes
Date: 26 Aug 2002 22:44:12 -0700
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
An intriguing concept well executed. Time travel stories are generally poorly done because of the inherent impossibility of the obvious paradoxes. We can see the possible paradox but by the time it is actually executed the paradox would been resolved one way or an other. You avoid this weakness by personalizing time and keep the story consistent by not giving too many details of how it works. If you don't leave the threads scattered about you won't trip over them later.
That helps to explain the story. It should not be necessary. Unless what we read is just an excerpt from a longer work it should be self contained and somehow include any setup background. Don't rely on that TV series. I never saw it in North America.
Find a discount store and pick up a couple gross of periods. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have a serious case of run on sentences. It detracts from an otherwise quite good story (even though it doesn't have any sex).
Tesseract