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From: Anoninsac
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 22 Oct 2001 17:14:58 -0700
I like using the Trojan War setting. Lots of potential once the story gets going. Since the Goddesses were trying to influence the outcome there's plenty of opportunity for 'persuasion.' And of course you have a rape and plenty of men at war with their camp girls. Lots of potential.
Good scene setting so far. The banquet and the Gods were convincing.
One thing that bothered me was the language. It felt, at least to me, like it alternated between a heroic ode and modern slang. I'd like consistency in the language.
It ended too soon. Where's the beef? Oops, I mean sex. Gosh hundreds of words and no sex. You'd think this was a story by Jeff ... Seriously, it feels like a good start. Makes me want to see Aphrodite 'convince' Zeus. Always wondered what God-like sex would be like.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2001 12:13:08 -0600
On 22 Oct 2001 17:14:58 -0700, [email protected] (Anoninsac) wrote:
It ended too soon. Where's the beef? Oops, I mean sex. Gosh hundreds of words and no sex. You'd think this was a story by Jeff ...
Hey, I sometimes get to sex in my stories in less than a thousand words :-)
Seriously, it feels like a good start. Makes me want to see Aphrodite 'convince' Zeus. Always wondered what God-like sex would be like.
You'd think they'd be god-awful good at it, you know? :-)
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 23 Oct 2001 14:13:54 GMT
Good idea. I like the pace. The prose is nimble and airy. On the other hand the characters and sets are a bit empty. We've got little to grip. Maybe some of this would naturally clear up - we'd get to "know" the players as the story continued to unfold. But I'm for putting in some distinctive identifying traits (as part of the action, preferably) as early as possible whenever a story has more than two characters.
A suggestion: try doing this story in a completely contemporary setting with contemporary mortals (some of whom may seem to think they're gods).
- Mat Twassel
From: Always Horny
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 08:55:50 +0200
Desdmona22 wrote:
positive comments
nice and well written. I like Souvie's prose. We are taken in there, it is light and fun.
things to improve
Why is this submitted in a sex stories group? Where's the beef?
Try not to repeat!
Ha! is there anything else to say?
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Ray
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 03:48:54 -0400
Two Positive Comments:
1) I liked two 'facts' which were incorporated into the story from Greek Mythos. First, the Zeus was able to discerne from simple examination exactly 'who' sent the apple. According to legend this was an ability which helped him maintain his power as he always 'saw' the full strengths and weaknesses of everyone/thing around him. Second, Zues' other trick to maintaining power ... HE seldom made the controversial decisions ... always defering the choice to another (usually a human) and directing any animosity away from himself.
2) The 'bickering' among the Goddesses over who was fairest or most favored ... also a well legended fact in the Mythos.
Two areas for improvement.
1) although I loved the 'style' of writing and the flow and readability of the story is sound, the choice of words spoken by the Gods did leave a somewhat sour taste. " ... a slurred "ewe go Peleush ... " is hardly what I would consider 'of the time'. Or Athena refering to Aphrodite as a 'twit'. Much of the interpersonal communications ring as too modern, and almost 'Valley Californian' in it's presentation.
2) Paris, an uneducated shepherd thinking of any question by the Gods as being stupid. Supposedly the just materialized before him ... he has not seen them before, and their materialization before him made him know they were Gods. HE did not know they were seeking a 'shepherd'. The only words spoken were "Are you Paris?". A perfectly good question under the circumstances especially since in Greek Mythos, only Zues himself was 'all seeing'.
Now if he had been shaking in his boots at the sudden appearance. Mentally recanting his 'wish' for excitement. Afraid to answer because for usually in Greek Mythos, for any of the Olympian Pantheon to 'know' you name meant huge troubles and great dangers for the one known.
Over all, I like it ... as a prelude. By itself, even as a satire it seems to fall a little short. But, as a prelude to something else, or possibly as a conclusion (Maybe to a 'recent liason' story involving Paris and Eris) it will work perfectly well.
As a conclusion, having had some previous experience with a goddess it would become more understandable that he might know God's ask stupid questions.
Reading the other's comments, it may not seem that we've left much of your story, Souvie ... but don't give up on it. Park it in the back of your mind and let your subconscious work on it. You'll wake up one morning knowing exactly what to do with it (without involving File 13 in the answer.) :-)
Ray
From: Shon Richards
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Wed, 24 Oct 2001 12:26:34 GMT
"Desdmona22" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
I'm pleased to bring you this 14th addition to the FishTank. The following is a submission from Souvie, who admiitedly says she's not sure where she'd like this story to go, but it's been sitting dormant in her hopper and she'd definitely like to do something with it.
FishTank Guidelines:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 things to improve
3) Try not to repeat!
You can find this and all Fishtank submissions, along with their comments at:
www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/fishtank/base
************************************************************************
"Plucking the Apple"
copyright 1999 by Souvie
Since this is an unfinished story, I'm suspecting that Souvie is asking more for directions than anything else. I could be wrong, but why assume that? :)
I heard one interesting tidbit a few years ago that said that Paris first made the women turn around and he examined their naked asses. It was the basis for a painting, but with my spotty memory, I can't recall if this is myth or not. Either way, it's a neat image.
Personally, I always thought this story had the making of a M/FFF story with Paris picking the best orgasm. You can screw with the normal story and have each Goddess wisk him away to a single encounter in their style. Helen may simply be a woman Aphrodite summoned to swallow, because Goddesses don't do that kind of thing.
One thing that bothered me was Paris's flippant attitude. If anyone leanred anything about the Greek Gods back then, its that they were pissy.
I also thought Paris knew he was a Prince.
Head Warlock of the Coven of Bliss
Shon Richards
Adventure Stories of Mine and Others can be found at
http://www.asstr.org/~shonRichards/
Romance Stories of mine are hosted by Gary at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/
E-mail me to find out about the ASSD/Coven of Bliss Mentor Program "I begin baby where you end, some things are forever like circles in the sand."
From: Desdmona
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 24 Oct 2001 13:47:36 GMT
"Plucking the Apple"
copyright 1999 by Souvie
I happen to love anything mythological. In my four years of high school Latin (ugh! what was I thinking?) I did very well in the sections where we studied Greek and Roman mythology. So I really think the idea of basing a sex story around this particular myth is a superb idea.
And let's talk about that title, "Plucking the Apple" is there anything more perfect? It's got just enough double entendre in it to head off a satirical piece.
I think you need to make up your mind Souvie to either use present-day language or "times of the gods" language. Mixing the two makes it seem more "hokey" and less satirical.
There's all sorts of options in this story for sex, with Paris, with the goddesses, at the banquet, in the fields, in the clouds, well, you get the idea ... so, the challenge will be to choose who and where, but the story itself drips with sexuality.
I personally think that in this forum, Paris has to have sex with each of the three goddesses (although, I thought Helen was in on this little soiree and she's human) to see which one is the fairest ... another thing to decide is what is the criteria for fairest? Is it beauty, sexual prowess, or maybe who can satisfy Paris' sexual appetite the most? O heck, maybe it's who can satisfy the sheep the most ... (kidding).
You've come up with a great theme for a satirical sex story. It deserves some renewed attention. Good Luck with it!
Thanks so much for giving us a chance to review it, and I hope as a group we can stir some thoughts about where the story should go!!
Des
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 07:40:26 GMT
1) 2 positive comments
1 I like the Idea, and we have little more than the idea here.
2 Paris, and I assume that we will see a lot more of Paris and little more of the gods.
2) 2 things to improve
1 The language, and I know that I'm repeating. But still.
2 You might consider getting in a little more description of the contestants early.
3) Try not to repeat!
This time, it was a little hard not to.
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c [email protected] fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 08:41:31 -0600
On 22 Oct 2001 16:00:24 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:
I'm pleased to bring you this 14th addition to the FishTank. The following is a submission from Souvie, who admiitedly says she's not sure where she'd like this story to go, but it's been sitting dormant in her hopper and she'd definitely like to do something with it.
On the good side, I'd like to see more done with it. I'm not sure how closely you plan to follow any of the original, but it might not hurt to let the story go out on its own, and not try to make it simply a sexy retelling of the original (though some versions of these tales are rather sexy already).
This might be a repeat, but Paris seems saucily brave facing gods. That is OK, except that at some point you'd need to give a reason why a simple shepherd isn't shocked with awe when gods - especially three very sexy goddesses - show up to talk with him.
Though not directly a story complaint, the whole group seemed rather unkind towards Eris. Who, after all, was merely doing her job and having fun. What is wrong with a bit of chaos and sex? :-)
Ok, another negative sort of thing. I think that the tale either needs to be more strongly a modern humorous take on the gods, in language and references (like a well-done "Hercules" w/Kevin Z show), or more strongly classical. Hmm, it isn't as though the language isn't modern, but it doesn't quite feel serious enough. I think that gods would tend to take themselves very seriously, even maybe a bit more pompously than you've shown.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2001 21:25:47 GMT
[email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:
I personally think that in this forum, Paris has to have sex with each of the three goddesses (although, I thought Helen was in on this little soiree and she's human) to see which one is the fairest ...
Helen wasn't in the contest. She was a prize/bribe given to Paris for his selection.
Uther Pendragon FAQs http://www.nyx.net/~anon584c [email protected] fiqshn http://www.asstr.org/~Uther_Pendragon
From: PleaseCain
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 25 Oct 2001 23:59:47 GMT
How I wish this one had an ending, I am so ready for it, even a one-line clunker. (Or maybe that is the ending. I am rusty on my mythology. I think I read Edith Hamilton as a freshman in high school.) Your storytelling is lively and entertaining. Your sense of humor and the snappy exchanges between the goddesses hooked my interest.
Two specific points distracted me:
whether Zeus read the inscription to himself or aloud - perhaps a trifling point, and yet the subsequent reactions made me re-read that paragraph a couple times, generally not a good thing for a reader to do (maybe it is Aphrodite's "What's that?" that throws me off - is it a rhetorical question? an excited exclamation? does she know the inscription before she snatches the apple or only afterward, because the other goddesses seemed to know it before they handle the apple); and
the line "You mean my present." is unattributed (in a three-way argument) - better to insert a seemingly redundant ", ___ said" than to risk diverting the reader's attention on such minor points.
Sorry, they are little things, really. The overall stretch was a lot of fun, very enjoyable.
Cain
From: Frank McCoy
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: Sat, 27 Oct 2001 03:16:49 GMT
[email protected] (Anoninsac) wrote:
I like using the Trojan War setting. Lots of potential once the story gets going. Since the Goddesses were trying to influence the outcome there's plenty of opportunity for 'persuasion.' And of course you have a rape and plenty of men at war with their camp girls. Lots of potential.
Good scene setting so far. The banquet and the Gods were convincing.
One thing that bothered me was the language. It felt, at least to me, like it alternated between a heroic ode and modern slang. I'd like consistency in the language.
It ended too soon. Where's the beef? Oops, I mean sex. Gosh hundreds of words and no sex. You'd think this was a story by Jeff ... Seriously, it feels like a good start. Makes me want to see Aphrodite 'convince' Zeus. Always wondered what God-like sex would be like.
That's the point.
You quit at the most interesting part:
Where each god would "convince" him of her claim to the apple. Since all were godly-beautiful, and couldn't use spell or geas (especially with the others watching) they'd each have to use (Ahem!) other means to provide convincing "evidence" that each was better than the other. (I foresee some things like Aphrodite saying, "I can make you cum faster than either of these two," and then proceeding to prove it, while the others use other (Ahem, again.) personal persuasions that are appropriate. Hera, for instance, has abilities the other don't; but is constrained by the fact she's married. (That never stopped her husband, of course.)
Then, after the poor guy is wrung out and hung up to dry ... and knowing the end-result if he ever picks any one of the three ... gets a bright idea and picks a judge of some kind (Like the goddess Libra ... You know ... the one with the scales). Because, after all, who is FAIRER than a blindfolded judge? And that way, none of the goddesses would be slighted for her beauty. (Of course, gods being gods one or more would probably then be slighted by a mere mortal thinking he/she wasn't being fair. Which would only prove his point. The gods are never fair.)
Yep, definitely ... a quite incomplete story.
Sorry I didn't follow the rules quite exactly; but that's how I felt about the story.
Others already covered my other feelings.
/ ' /
,-/-, . __ /
(/ / ((/|/ / </ <
From: Souvie
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 31 Oct 2001 10:18:51 -0800
[email protected] (Nick) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
Matt suggested that the story might be improved by taking the theme and putting it in an every day setting. This would work, but has been done before (nothing wrong with that - it;s still a good thought). There is a sense in which (apart from what I said above) Souvie isn't actually bringing anything new to the myth. I'd like to suggest something, but cant think of anything. Sorry.
I've never seen an updated/modern version of this story. Care to point me in the right direction for finding one/some? <g>
- Souvie
(needing some reading material for this weekend)
From: Souvie
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 31 Oct 2001 10:16:26 -0800
[email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
I'm pleased to bring you this 14th addition to the FishTank. The following is a submission from Souvie, who admiitedly says she's not sure where she'd like this story to go, but it's been sitting dormant in her hopper and she'd definitely like to do something with it.
<snip>
Since my time is limited here in the computer lab, I'm answering all the feedback I received in this one post.
The internal power supply in my computer "died" on me Sunday morning. It's still not fixed - waiting for the part to come in and the tech to call me. Soooo ...I'm "roughing it" this week. lol I had homework on the dang thing, too, that I had to redo from scratch! The only bright thing is that the computer is still under warranty so it's not costing me anything to get it fixed.
I'd like to thank everyone who commented on this piece of a story. It's the start of an idea I had, 2 years ago. I got sidetracked writing a Halloween story last year, and never went back to "Plucking the Apple." I decided I need to clear out my hopper (okay, like that will ever happen, but it's nice to dream). Anyway, I've gotten some good ideas on where I want to go with this. I'm just not sure how soon I'll get to it.
Thanks again and I hope to back to having regular computer access by next week!
- Souvie
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From: Gary Jordan
Re: Plucking the Apple, by Souvie
Date: 22 Oct 2001 17:02:28 GMT
2 Things 2 like:
1. I like that its a well known myth, with just enough new patter thrown in to make it obviously a modernized retelling.
2. "Same old same old. 'Just once I wish something exciting would happen,' he thought, for about the hundredth time." I'm a big fan of "Be careful what you wish for." You just know that this is where the ship hits the van.
2 things 2 improve:
1. Well, you're modernizing. How come none of the male gods who were built like ... greek gods ... got into the "I'm the fairest" frenzy?
2. Okay, its uncoded. But where's the sex? Othere than some snide remarks about Eris's sluttiness, there's no innuendo, flirting, nothing. Is Paris the only one who gets lucky? For a bunch of drunken greek deities, they're awfully prudish.
Gary
"Old submariners never die as long as they can still get the scope up."
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects, for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half." - Francis Bacon, Essays