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From: meme misspelt
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 20 Jan 2003 23:41:02 -0500
In article <[email protected]>, Desdmona <[email protected]> wrote:
The following story is a complete story. It is 3,215 words. This author is again someone new to us. Someone referred him to the FishTank. I like the idea that word of mouth is bringing in some new authors. So tell a friend or two about the FishTank. And maybe they will tell two friends, etc.
FishTank guidelines:
1) 2 positive comments
1. i liked the way that normal office things like a pencil and a water cup were eroticized. also the file = cock bit.
2. there were a couple of nice and unexpected metaphors. i especially liked "It stood out like a orange caution sign in the middle of the street."
3. bonus cheating extra positive thing: it was refreshing to read a story like this in which the guy didn't have a rock-hard 12-incher. the little dose of insecurity made it seem much more realistic.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
1. it reads pretty choppily, i know it's supposed to be stream-of-consciousness, but even so i think a few more complete sentences (versus sentence fragments) and more standard punctuation would really help.
2. when he is going to the restroom to masturbate, i was kinda like "dude! what is your problem?!" - like, he prefers his own company? if shirley is teasing him as obviously as she is, it seems very nearly rude of him to go jerk off by himself. if it were me, i'd just have shirley have him bring her a file or something so she can check out his erection. maybe she could even tell him to go the restroom to "take care of his little problem," and then he could be embarrassed and then she could follow him in. but as it is now, you've got a horny guy faced with an obviously horny woman that he's very attracted to, and he wants to go be with his own right hand? i just didn't buy it.
...and remember, writing, like so many things, gets easier the more you do it.
- Meme Misspelt
- http://www.asstr.org/~meme_misspelt/
From: PleaseCain
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 21 Jan 2003 09:30:47 GMT
There are some pretty good comedy bits in here, with the constant chatter and play-by-play in his head, which is totally the way we guys operate. My favorite parts were the asides to his prick, like "Oh be still my cock" and "oh cock please be a cup please," which sound to me like Richard III jonesing really bad!
Watch out falling into a pattern, like "Then she ... Then she ... Then she," which sounds like laundry-listing. Varying and contrasting your sentences in length and rhythm, makes for more interesting reading. Similarly, too many run-ons and disjointed fragments can take the reader out of the game, as in " ... ran it up her thigh and around the curve of her ass, [fuck she was wearing a thong,] then over the top of her leg and softly over her pussy."
Things for sharing your story, and welcome aboard!
Cain
From: john
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 21 Jan 2003 07:17:12 -0800
Ggoogle is way delayed this morning ... so I'm sure these things were noted already. But ... 1] I found it fluid, and not just all seminal. The conversational style worked. 2] I found it interesting, even though there's little doubt the protagonist will accomplish his task or the couple will couple. There was enough suspense to keep me reading.
1] I found it too "superlative." Especially at the start. "Comparatives" leave something for your ending. 2] Not really a criticism. Wuz an "eddy"? (God I'm old.) It sounded sweet. But ending on a bit of jargon might detract for dinosaurs less tolerant of their own ignorance.
Welcome to the Fish Tank. Now we need another!
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 21 Jan 2003 11:00:21 -0800
Talon
I must confess the story puzzled me a bit. I wasn't sure at what level the fantasy existed. Whether it was Thomas' office fantasy or yours or an account of a real life (if improbable) event. But it's a sex story and I guess the main purpose of it is to arouse sympathetic sexual arousal in all males who find themselves lusting after female colleagues.
It was interesting to read a story where the central protagonist is a penis. It certainly has a mind of its own, and I guess there's no coincidence that 'Thomas' is also one of the many euphemisms applied to the penis.
I was confused by the writing style. There were so many syntactical and spelling mistakes that I couldn't be certain that they weren't deliberately intended. Perhaps as a kind of stream-of-consciousness. However, some errors were worse than sloppy proofreading, where, for instance, speech marks were used inappropriately. And the resolution at the end didn't seem to resolve anything very much. Why did Thomas get an image of Shirley on his PC? Why did Shirley find Thomas attractive? What was the purpose in her asking him to hurt her?
However, although on the whole I think this is a story that could be improved a fair bit by some proofreading, sympathetic editing and a review of how the various strands join up, I have to compliment you on an excellent first paragraph. It might have required a bit of tidying up, but it immediately grabbed my attention. In fact, I do know exactly what those days are like. Pretty embarrassing they are too! And the story achieved one end, which was fairly remarkable, of keeping the focus so much on male genitals.
So, congratulations for contributing to the Fish Tank. And I hope you will continue to contribute stories to ASSM.
Bradley Stoke
http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 18:54:11 -0600
On Mon, 20 Jan 2003 10:11:29 -0500, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
Quick, short repeat: The story has spelling and punctuation errors, and similar technical things which distract from the story. An editor could neatly fix much of them, while automatic spell and grammar checkers might miss them.
I liked the story flow, it was both dreamy and real, alternating. While I'd class it on the side of the surreal, not quite reality, the ending doesn't quite clarify it. OTOH - it is a funny thing about dreams, that you can dream that you're not dreaming, that the dream is real, and within the dream believe it.
So whether Thomas just dreamed it all or it really happened to him doesn't matter. The story does feel like a fantasy, but it is nice to see the fantasy and dream elements featured so strongly, so clearly. What happens is unbelievable, but Thomas doesn't mind because it is fun. I like that part.
The lack of confidence on Thomas's part is also entertaining, and adds veracity to the whole dreamlike feeling. If it is merely a dream, he is still stuck with all the problems he faces. Things don't magically work out perfectly.
I think that the focus could be improved. The scenes change rapidly at times, and it gets hard to follow. Part of this is the imperfect punctuation, but there are times when I'm just unclear as to what is happening and who is doing it.
"I am all wet too Thomas.see?" As she said it she slid her finger into her pussy, in and out in and out as it got wetter she laid her head back.
Her tits were huge and I couldn't stop myself. I reached forward and took one in each hand, oh my god they were nice, firm yet soft. The fucking nipples were as hard as my dick. She reached down with her other hand and started sliding it over the length of my cock. Stroking it. I put my hand to her pussy and she sighed, it was wet and hot. I rubbed over it and her asshole as she stroked me harder and harder.
Then she just stopped.
Oops, cut a bit too much. Somehow, Thomas could play with her nipples even though she only lifted up her skirt. If that unexplained sudden nudity was intended, I'd think that pointing it out explicitly would be good - he should notice that she was suddenly topless.
There were other places with this sort of thing, making it hard to follow. You have to imagine things happening which aren't shown, and that gets confusing.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 12:56:57 -0800
"Conjugate" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
I get to be first. Well, that's not a common event.
Well, the story is nice and sexy. I liked the way Shirley seduces the viewpoint character and I like some of the language you use to describe the character's thoughts. In particular:
Her ass up in the air, I could see the thickness of her lips surrounding the promised land my cock had been seeing.
I strongly recommend you study punctuation; there were many times I was distracted from the story by incorrect punctuation. One example of many:
"Oh, I was just wondering I have been wanting to get my hands on that, she nodded towards my cock file for a long time. It's so thick does it take a long time to digest everything in it?"
When you stop describing the character's speech and begin describing her actions, you need to end the quotation. You should punctuate that sentence like this:
"Oh, I was just wondering. I have been wanting to get my hands on that," she nodded towards my cock, "file for a long time. It's so thick. Does it take a long time to digest everything in it?"
When I first read your story, I read, "she nodded towards my cock file," and I wondered why he had a cock file. It sounded painful, but probably the best way to smooth those small irregularities and rough places ....
Another small quibble. During the scene when she's blowing him and he's slapping her, you write:
This time she kept my dick in her mouth. "You're supposed to cum."
She can't say that clearly with his dick in her mouth.
Not a bad beginning. I hope you post a cleaned-up version.
Conjugate
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
FishTank guidelines:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
OFFICE PARTY (MF)
By Talon Demour
[email protected]
You ever have one of those days when no matter what you do your cock just wont stop throbbing? It keeps getting hard and all bent in your pants.
Might have been a good thing, I have noticed that a couple of the girls in the office had caught a glimpse of me as I walked quickly to the restroom to relieve the pressure. I had noticed that Shirley had grown fond of keeping an eye on me and for some reason that seemed to bring me pleasure. Could have had something to do with the fact her nipples were sticking out though her blouse. Like her tits were calling to my dick. "Come over and ask me to play."
Today my cock seemed to be even more out of control. It was so hard it hurt. That's the kind of pain you enjoy though. I finished up my work, punched the save button on my computer and leaned back in my chair. As my hands slowly rubbed through my pants feeling the head of my dick hard and warm I looked at my screen, could my dick be making me dream? Fuck, it was a picture of Shirley and she was naked. Man her tits were huge and the nipples sticking straight out. Her legs were spread and she was rubbing her shaved pussy. Fuck.
I hit the minimize tab and looked around as I felt a little bit of lubricant start to come out of the head of my cock. I looked around to see if anyone was watching before I brought the screen back up. And speaking of up my dick was up now. It was like a radio antenna and was picking up a signal from some where.
I turned to the water cooler and there was Shirley, oh man the roundness of her ass called my dick to cum right in her. She turned and looked over her shoulder at me and had one finger in her mouth oh so slightly and was sucking on it. She nodded her head as if for me to look down. I did and oh fuck my cock was huge in my pants. It stood out like a orange caution sign in the middle of the street. Fuck and she was looking right at it.
Hey why should I mind this, I mean isn't this what every guy dreams of? A young tender chic staring at a huge boner in your pants.
She nodded again and I knew she
wanted me to bring the screen back up on my computer, oh what the fuck, everyone else was out of the office, well for now anyway. So I brought the picture back up. Fuck how was she doing this? I turned to Jacks desk next to mine and turned the monitor on, nothing, how the fuck was she getting this picture to me? Who the fuck cared at this point?
Shit it was a different picture this time. She was laying naked on a bed with a couple pillows under her stomach. Her ass up in the air, I could see the thickness of her lips surrounding the promised land my cock had been seeing.
She dropped her pen from her hand and bent down to pick it up, her legs bent to the side, it made her short dress come up to almost her ass. She took one hand and ran it up her thigh and around the curve of her ass, fuck she was wearing a thong, then over the top of her leg and softly over her pussy. Fuck I am going to cum right here. Shirley knew it too and loved the idea. This was a dream come true, oh shit that's what it was a dream, it must have been, I rubbed my cock. Nope it's real. Shirley held the paper cup up to her mouth and put her full lips up to it slow. As she did a drop of water flowed out of her mouth and started down her chin. She quickly wiped it up with her finger and then stuck the same finger in her mouth and sucked the drop off.
Then she took her tongue and slowly went all around the edge of the cup, oh cock please be a cup please. I want that to be me she is licking. She smiled at me, you know you've seen them before, one of those let's get naked and.and, fuck just and is all my mind could come up with. Fuck guess the joke is true when you get a hard on all the blood runs to your dick. I think I had proof, my cock was hot and I could feel my heart pounding in the head of it.
She motioned to the screen again and as I looked the image faded away. Come on now! I know computers, there was no way she was doing this, must be the cum god, yeah that's it.
Well it worked for me anyway. Then she nodded towards the men's restroom and smiled. She ran her hands over her tits as to straighten her blouse and when she hit her nipples they fucking flung back and forth. Then she went back and sat down at her desk. She looked at my cock again and smiled as she tongued her lips. Then she picked up a pencil and held it in her hand lightly tapping the eraser on the desk over and over. Then she started to slide her fingers up and down the pencil, when she got to the eraser she pushed pressure against it and made it flatten out just a little.
Oh be still my cock, I knew the fucker was almost sticking out the top of my pants by now and was about to scream some lude thing out. Fucking cocks seem to have a mind of their own ya know how that works.
She swiveled her chair around to get something from out of her filing cabinet except she only moved one leg, damn just like in that fucking movie, what was it oh man her thong was cutting right down the center of her pussy lips. That's it I have to jackoff, this is more than any man could take. I looked to the screen hoping to see her naked ass one last time to keep in my mind as I yanked my dick hard. Fuck nothing. Ok will settle for one of her looks. Damn she isn't even looking anymore she is busy on her keyboard. What was this all about?
Well fuck it anyway I had plenty of visuals in my mind, as if my cock ever needed more than it created on its own. As I got up my dick was bulging in my pants so I held a file over it and made it to the restroom quick before anyone could come in. As I walked past Shirley my heart was pounding, like a fucking animal I could smell the sweetness of her pussy.
"Thomas." Oh fuck she's calling me.
"Ah yes Shirley", my voice cracked damn it man your cock can be cool why the fuck can't your mouth.
"Thomas what file is that you have in your hand?"
Shit I don't even know what file it is I quickly looked at the tab on it.
"It's the Simsen file. Why?"
She nodded in my direction but not as high as the file was lower. As she spoke I looked down, fuck how stupid could I be when I lifted the file up I left this fucking hard dick sticking out in my pants.
"Oh, I was just wondering I have been wanting to get my hands on that, she nodded towards my cock file for a long time. It's so thick does it take a long time to digest everything in it?"
Wow that's the color red I wanted my car, too bad it was on my face.
"No it's not as long as it looks."
Neither of us was talking about the file anymore and we knew it. So why the fuck did I say that, it's not as long as it looks. Why didn't I just say I have a little dick? "Well, I mean it's long but you can go through it fast it doesn't last that long." Shit come on dick don't do this to me.
"Well I would like to get my hands on it sometime if you don't mind and just have a little time with it, you know when your up for giving it to me."
Fuck how about right now, damn now I have sweat on my forehead.
"Looks like you better go do what you were going to do."
"I wasn't going to do anything fast, I mean I am not in a hurry, oh well."
"You just seemed like you were in a hurry, I get that way when I have important things I need to deal with right away myself."
"Oh the restroom works if your in a hurry."
"What", she asked.
Damn Thomas it's a wonder you have ever gotten laid. Well come to think about it you haven't been that much and now you know the reason why.
"I mean I was in a hurry to use the rest room that's all. It's good cause it's close to my desk."
She picked up the pencil again and rolled it between her lips. "Well you better hurry you look like you need to do what you were going to do quick."
Shit she fucking knows, she knows I am going to play with my dick. And wait why is that a problem? Her fucking tits were almost poking me in the eyes and she had already shown me her wet pussy. Why was there a problem? No problem. Just need to jackoff fast.
"Well Shirley I have to take care of something so I need to cum.I mean go now."
She laughed now in a way made me feel like I had had my face between her legs a dozen times before. I could taste the pussy juices.
"I know Thomas you better hurry, you don't want to wait to long."
There was that word again long, and growing. I turned and went straight to the rest room. When I went in I was on fire. I went to the sink and leaned over and cupped my hands with cold water and threw it across my face once, twice, three times, easy Tom your going to drown yourself before you can get your dick out of your pants. I lifted my head to grab some paper towels and there was Shirley in the mirror. I turned and looked at her. The games were over. She locked the door behind her and lifted up her skirt. Like it really could go any higher with out those pink pussy lips showing.
"I am all wet too Thomas.see?" As she said it she slid her finger into her pussy, in and out in and out as it got wetter she laid her head back.
Her tits were huge and I couldn't stop myself. I reached forward and took one in each hand, oh my god they were nice, firm yet soft. The fucking nipples were as hard as my dick. She reached down with her other hand and started sliding it over the length of my cock. Stroking it. I put my hand to her pussy and she sighed, it was wet and hot. I rubbed over it and her asshole as she stroked me harder and harder.
Then she just stopped.
Sexual harassment was all I could think, a set up oh I am fucked. But I don't care it was worth it to fill her wet pussy. But she didn't say anything she put her hand against my chest and pushed easy, I moved backwards as she pushed until I came to the sink. She smiled, her eyes never leaving mine, she took one finger and put it in her pussy and then rubbed it across my lips. Oh fuck how sweet. Then with her eyes still on mine she undid my pants and twisted her hand to slide it in and take my cock in her hand, fuck her hands were soft. Then she bent over and took the head of my cock into her mouth, oh what a beautiful mouth, moist, warm, sucking. Fuck she was going at it hard now as my pants slipped to the ground she scooped up my balls and rolled them around in her hand as her other one stroked my cock, the part not in her mouth.
Oh baby your good, she stopped for a second and took her mouth off my dick, oh shit what did I do she's fucking stopping. She kept her hands going, one stroking my dick the other pushing her finger in my ass.
"Hurt ME!"
Hurt her? I didn't do anything, how the fuck could I hurt her? She started taking my dick into her mouth again, working on the head running her tongue all around the rim of it and then pressing it hard into the slit. OH MAN this is great, she stopped again.
"HURT ME, DAMN IT HURT ME!"
"You mean you want me to do something to hurt you?" With my dick in her mouth still she nodded yes. Oh that felt good. The head moving up and down, fuck more questions I want to feel that again.
"Is that what you want me to do is hurt you?" She nodded yes again but with stronger head movement. Let's see another question. God the sucking the licking and the head nodding was great.
"UMMMM Are you sure?"
"Hurt me you stupid fuck do something to hurt me!"
Shit too many questions.lets see hurt hurt. Oh my dick is so fucking hard and feels so good my balls are puffed up and full of cum. OK Thomas hurt. OK I reached down and pinched her on the shoulder..oops she stopped everything and stepped back. She stared me straight in the eyes. I was looking down cause as she talked to me she was pushing her finger in and out of her pussy and her whole body would jerk every once and a while. That and the deep breathing while she was talking made me ready to shoot cum all over the walls.
"You know do something to hurt me, not bad just a little pain it makes it moooooorrreee fun.uuuuuuhhhhh"
She was wet, and fucking going to town on her clit now. She bent back down and took my whole cock into her mouth now and was sliding her head up and down as she twisted her head back and forth. Fuck I felt like I was going to blow a ton of cum, the head of my dick hurt it was so swollen. I remember I had seen this in a porno once, so I bent and slapped her on the ass, not to hard was such a nice round firm ass, didn't want to slap to hard.ahhh.FUCK she bit me.
"HURT ME fucker or I will bite your cock off and spit it in the toilet. Now hurt me!"
Ok I get the idea fucking balls are sore Shirley sure new how to suck dick. So I was obliged to slap her a little harder. Woooo she liked that she really stepped up the sucking now, shit at this rate I wasn't going to have to cum she would suck it out. Now she was bobbing up and down with her whole body on my dick and her pussy on her hand.
I could feel it and so could she I was going to cum, fuck was I supposed to tell her, "Umm Shirley.fuck, ummm I am going to cum."
This time she kept my dick in her mouth. "You're supposed to cum."
"Well I thought you would want to know so you could." Ouch.
Fuck she bit me again but still kept at it. Faster harder faster more more until three things happened, I came and she swallowed, she came and shook like crazy, and the third well the sink broke off the wall. Fuck water was squirting all over. She never stopped she swallowed every last drop. She licked it all off and then sucked her own finger, after she rubbed some of the wetness from her pussy on my lips. Fuck I was like a cat in catnip.
Then as quickly as it started it stopped. She cleaned her self off, my dick still quivering I watched as she rubbed her hand from front to back wiping all the pussy juice off her. She kept looking at me and smiling. Then she pulled her thong up and fixed her dress.
She smiled at me and flicked the head of my dick, "Think you should put him away now don't you Thomas?"
I did straighten my self out. As we both stepped out of the restroom. Oh shit there was the boss coming down the hall.
"Thomas whats the meaning of this were you both just."
She saved me. Shirley gave the boss a smile. Why did I have a feeling she had sucked his dick too at one time? Cause he stopped talking right then and got all hot under the collar and other places too I am sure.
"Thanks Thomas. I would love to see that file again someday."
"Sure me too, whenever you want."
The boss looked at me "THOMAS!"
"Yes sir? Oh my dick had never felt so good as it watched Shirley's ass walk away, seemed the boss had the same thoughts.
"Don't you have anything to do Thomas. Some aaahhh work maybe?"
"Yes sir. Oh and you had better call maintenance I think the sink is broken in the bathroom." I looked at the boss and he looked back, we both smiled.
Yes he had been there too. I went back to my desk and turned to look at Shirley thinking she would be staring at me, she was like I wasn't even there. I looked at my computer screen and all that was there was the screen saver. I don't understand this, did what I think just happened just happen or was it all a dream. My dick sure believed it. It hadn't felt so fulfilled in, fuck in my life. But I still stared at the computer shit did I have a dream? Was this real? My mind was spinning but was brought down real quick as I felt the boss's hand heavy on my shoulder.
"Thomas." I turned and looked at his stern looking face, it turned into a smile again. "It was no dream."
"But sir how do, how did you, I mean ", the boss turned towards the bathroom door and the water seeping out from under it.
"It was no dream. I don't lean on the sink any more Thomas."
He turned and walked away. I pulled up the account I had been working on and finished the day out. Man what a job, pay is not too bad but the perks, fucking eddy.
Well first of all I would like to thank Desdmona for putting together the "Fish Tank." I would also like to give a hardy thanks to all of those who gave me their input. In writing, as we all know this is a key to understanding the readers and what's in people's minds eye. I would like to explain one thing, I am new to this type of site and submitting stories. I made a mistake when communicating with Des and misunderstood her. My style of writing is not what most of you are used to. First I use a lot of,,,,,, well,,,,,, ummm,,,,,,,, these little commas to ahhh��. show a passing of time or a �� form of thought process. I gave Des the right to change a few things and those (. & , were left out or changed to a single "." or "," and yes it made the story very hard to read. This was as in no way Des's fault. It was my newness of this site that caused that. Lastly I would like to point one thing out about my unusual style of writing. I do love to write in such a manner that thoughts are clear but the meaning or the direction they take you are left up to you,,,, the reader's mind to decipher. It brings about in the reader's mind a forced look at ones own mind as to what the words trigger. In erotic or anything sexual many people love it but love it in a "in the closet way." It stimulates their mind in ways they either recognize or makes them have to go back and explain to themselves why they have the feelings that they as readers have. I am not a writer that writes something that you can sit on the couch, slip off your shoes and drink a hot chocolate and read. That's in "Readers Digest." Yes I know that last sentence was a fragment of a sentence,,,,,,, but,,,,,,, I like that�� you see that's the way life is�. that's the way people talk�. they break things up�.maybe to wait for a response,,,, or to let it sink in,,,,,,, or maybe to get a point across. I believe that the days of "See Jane run, see Jane skip" are over. I like it more like this��"See Jane run,,,,, of fuck what happened to Jane?" Makes your mind work, something this country needs to do more of,,,, think. Also just as we are reading stories on-line now life, I again think, is changing. I think grammar checks are fucked in a lot of cases. I think using them is writing with someone else's thoughts of how you want it to flow. I hope to be able to get some more of my stories on the site. I think many readers will always be thrown off by it, however the ones that like it will love the places I am going to be taking the open-minded reader's mind. Hey it's all good right? And it can only get better.
Conjugate,
Yes it's a joy in life to be first. I would like to be first in
thanking you for your post and hope I have some answers that will
clear things up. The most of it is in the words above this.
Your question in regards to the "cock file" ,,,,,,, oh yes that would
hurt, especially the woman getting filed. But in this case she had
been asking Thomas about files and the reference to his cock was
hidden in the terms "cock file." Files, they were speaking about, cock
they were thinking about. Hence the "cock file." Sort of a, or as
spell check would say "an" sexual game.
Next is the question about her being able to talk with his cock in her
mouth,,,, well I can tell you that I have personally heard many a
woman talk with my cock in their mouth. If you are a man try it next
time you have your dick in a gals mouth, ask her if it feels good or
something. They talk. Or better yet tell them to stop sucking and
listen to them say "NO!" with your dick in their mouth.
Thanks again for the valued input. I hope to do better the next story.
Feel free to contact me at "[email protected]"
Thanks and good reading.
Talon
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 13:42:19 -0800
[email protected] (PleaseCain) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
There are some pretty good comedy bits in here, with the constant chatter and play-by-play in his head, which is totally the way we guys operate. My favorite parts were the asides to his prick, like "Oh be still my cock" and "oh cock please be a cup please," which sound to me like Richard III jonesing really bad!
Watch out falling into a pattern, like "Then she ... Then she ... Then she," which sounds like laundry-listing. Varying and contrasting your sentences in length and rhythm, makes for more interesting reading. Similarly, too many run-ons and disjointed fragments can take the reader out of the game, as in " ... ran it up her thigh and around the curve of her ass, [fuck she was wearing a thong,] then over the top of her leg and softly over her pussy."
Things for sharing your story, and welcome aboard!
Cain
Well first of all I would like to thank Desdmona for putting together the "Fish Tank." I would also like to give a hardy thanks to all of those who gave me their input. In writing, as we all know this is a key to understanding the readers and what's in people's minds eye. I would like to explain one thing, I am new to this type of site and submitting stories. I made a mistake when communicating with Des and misunderstood her. My style of writing is not what most of you are used to. First I use a lot of,,,,,, well,,,,,, ummm,,,,,,,, these little commas to ahhh��. show a passing of time or a �� form of thought process. I gave Des the right to change a few things and those (. & , were left out or changed to a single "." or "," and yes it made the story very hard to read. This was as in no way Des's fault. It was my newness of this site that caused that. Lastly I would like to point one thing out about my unusual style of writing. I do love to write in such a manner that thoughts are clear but the meaning or the direction they take you are left up to you,,,, the reader's mind to decipher. It brings about in the reader's mind a forced look at ones own mind as to what the words trigger. In erotic or anything sexual many people love it but love it in a "in the closet way." It stimulates their mind in ways they either recognize or makes them have to go back and explain to themselves why they have the feelings that they as readers have. I am not a writer that writes something that you can sit on the couch, slip off your shoes and drink a hot chocolate and read. That's in "Readers Digest." Yes I know that last sentence was a fragment of a sentence,,,,,,, but,,,,,,, I like that�� you see that's the way life is�. that's the way people talk�. they break things up�.maybe to wait for a response,,,, or to let it sink in,,,,,,, or maybe to get a point across. I believe that the days of "See Jane run, see Jane skip" are over. I like it more like this��"See Jane run,,,,, of fuck what happened to Jane?" Makes your mind work, something this country needs to do more of,,,, think. Also just as we are reading stories on-line now life, I again think, is changing. I think grammar checks are fucked in a lot of cases. I think using them is writing with someone else's thoughts of how you want it to flow. I hope to be able to get some more of my stories on the site. I think many readers will always be thrown off by it, however the ones that like it will love the places I am going to be taking the open-minded reader's mind. Hey it's all good right? And it can only get better.
Cain,
Thanks for the input. I am thrown off by this part confussing you
" ... ran it up her thigh and around the curve of her ass, [fuck she was
wearing a thong,] then over the top of her leg and softly over her pussy."
Hey that flows like warm cum out the end of my cock,,,,, try it you'll
like it.
Thanks again
Talon
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 13:35:12 -0800
[email protected] (Meme Mispelt) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
In article <[email protected]>, Desdmona <[email protected]> wrote: The following story is a complete story. It is 3,215 words. This author is again someone new to us. Someone referred him to the FishTank. I like the idea that word of mouth is bringing in some new authors. So tell a friend or two about the FishTank. And maybe they will tell two friends, etc.
FishTank guidelines:
1) 2 positive comments
1. i liked the way that normal office things like a pencil and a water cup were eroticized. also the file = cock bit.
2. there were a couple of nice and unexpected metaphors. i especially liked "It stood out like a orange caution sign in the middle of the street."
3. bonus cheating extra positive thing: it was refreshing to read a story like this in which the guy didn't have a rock-hard 12-incher. the little dose of insecurity made it seem much more realistic.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
1. it reads pretty choppily, i know it's supposed to be stream-of-consciousness, but even so i think a few more complete sentences (versus sentence fragments) and more standard punctuation would really help.
2. when he is going to the restroom to masturbate, i was kinda like "dude! what is your problem?!" - like, he prefers his own company? if shirley is teasing him as obviously as she is, it seems very nearly rude of him to go jerk off by himself. if it were me, i'd just have shirley have him bring her a file or something so she can check out his erection. maybe she could even tell him to go the restroom to "take care of his little problem," and then he could be embarrassed and then she could follow him in. but as it is now, you've got a horny guy faced with an obviously horny woman that he's very attracted to, and he wants to go be with his own right hand? i just didn't buy it.
...and remember, writing, like so many things, gets easier the more you do it.
Well first of all I would like to thank Desdmona for putting together the "Fish Tank." I would also like to give a hardy thanks to all of those who gave me their input. In writing, as we all know this is a key to understanding the readers and what's in people's minds eye. I would like to explain one thing, I am new to this type of site and submitting stories. I made a mistake when communicating with Des and misunderstood her. My style of writing is not what most of you are used to. First I use a lot of,,,,,, well,,,,,, ummm,,,,,,,, these little commas to ahhh��. show a passing of time or a �� form of thought process. I gave Des the right to change a few things and those (. & , were left out or changed to a single "." or "," and yes it made the story very hard to read. This was as in no way Des's fault. It was my newness of this site that caused that. Lastly I would like to point one thing out about my unusual style of writing. I do love to write in such a manner that thoughts are clear but the meaning or the direction they take you are left up to you,,,, the reader's mind to decipher. It brings about in the reader's mind a forced look at ones own mind as to what the words trigger. In erotic or anything sexual many people love it but love it in a "in the closet way." It stimulates their mind in ways they either recognize or makes them have to go back and explain to themselves why they have the feelings that they as readers have. I am not a writer that writes something that you can sit on the couch, slip off your shoes and drink a hot chocolate and read. That's in "Readers Digest." Yes I know that last sentence was a fragment of a sentence,,,,,,, but,,,,,,, I like that�� you see that's the way life is�. that's the way people talk�. they break things up�.maybe to wait for a response,,,, or to let it sink in,,,,,,, or maybe to get a point across. I believe that the days of "See Jane run, see Jane skip" are over. I like it more like this��"See Jane run,,,,, of fuck what happened to Jane?" Makes your mind work, something this country needs to do more of,,,, think. Also just as we are reading stories on-line now life, I again think, is changing. I think grammar checks are fucked in a lot of cases. I think using them is writing with someone else's thoughts of how you want it to flow. I hope to be able to get some more of my stories on the site. I think many readers will always be thrown off by it, however the ones that like it will love the places I am going to be taking the open-minded reader's mind. Hey it's all good right? And it can only get better. Meme, Thank you very much for your input. I have enjoyed your words and will use them wisely. Now to try and answer some of your questions or address some of your concerns.First of all in regards to the use of the term "orange cone" I use the color to help the minds eye see it. Close your eyes and picture a street being worked on with cones,,,,,,,,, how do they look,,,, what do you see,,,,,,, a short dark box,,,, no I would think a tall pointed object in glowing orange. Well I wanted the readers to see a big red throbbing cock�.. standing straight up and showing direction. Next about the "Dude just go up to her." Well I have been in management for many years and maybe that seemed a little to ,,,,shall we say sexual harassment. You would be surprised the things people enjoy hearing said to them but if the get mad go screaming to the boss. Now I personally would have walked up and done something similar, a little more smoother,,, but yes agree I go for it. However this was a fantasy and it added to his thrill to have it given with out being asked for. I myself don't like to ask, like to let the gal beg,,, just kidding. In this day and age there are many people that enjoy oral sex,,, me me memememememe,,, sorry got carried away. But not many gals like to have someone walk up and say,,,, "Hey want to suck my cock?" I have scars to prove that,,,, just kidding again. Thanks again,,,, oh and to quote a lot of my responses here,,,, try using spell and grammar check,,, they are right it makes reading easier. Specially with caps. Really thanks and I will keep it all in mind. Sorry if it made the thinking process interfere with the reading,,,, hey Dude give me a slide ok,,,, my bad. Happy reading and look for more of my stuff and my site will be up soon. Until then we are all lucky to have the "Fish Bowl." Talon
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 13:48:31 -0800
[email protected] (john) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
Ggoogle is way delayed this morning ... so I'm sure these things were noted already. But ... 1] I found it fluid, and not just all seminal. The conversational style worked. 2] I found it interesting, even though there's little doubt the protagonist will accomplish his task or the couple will couple. There was enough suspense to keep me reading.
1] I found it too "superlative." Especially at the start. "Comparatives" leave something for your ending. 2] Not really a criticism. Wuz an "eddy"? (God I'm old.) It sounded sweet. But ending on a bit of jargon might detract for dinosaurs less tolerant of their own ignorance.
Welcome to the Fish Tank. Now we need another!
Well first of all I would like to thank Desdmona for putting together the "Fish Tank." I would also like to give a hardy thanks to all of those who gave me their input. In writing, as we all know this is a key to understanding the readers and what's in people's minds eye. I would like to explain one thing, I am new to this type of site and submitting stories. I made a mistake when communicating with Des and misunderstood her. My style of writing is not what most of you are used to. First I use a lot of,,,,,, well,,,,,, ummm,,,,,,,, these little commas to ahhh��. show a passing of time or a �� form of thought process. I gave Des the right to change a few things and those (. & , were left out or changed to a single "." or "," and yes it made the story very hard to read. This was as in no way Des's fault. It was my newness of this site that caused that. Lastly I would like to point one thing out about my unusual style of writing. I do love to write in such a manner that thoughts are clear but the meaning or the direction they take you are left up to you,,,, the reader's mind to decipher. It brings about in the reader's mind a forced look at ones own mind as to what the words trigger. In erotic or anything sexual many people love it but love it in a "in the closet way." It stimulates their mind in ways they either recognize or makes them have to go back and explain to themselves why they have the feelings that they as readers have. I am not a writer that writes something that you can sit on the couch, slip off your shoes and drink a hot chocolate and read. That's in "Readers Digest." Yes I know that last sentence was a fragment of a sentence,,,,,,, but,,,,,,, I like that�� you see that's the way life is�. that's the way people talk�. they break things up�.maybe to wait for a response,,,, or to let it sink in,,,,,,, or maybe to get a point across. I believe that the days of "See Jane run, see Jane skip" are over. I like it more like this��"See Jane run,,,,, of fuck what happened to Jane?" Makes your mind work, something this country needs to do more of,,,, think. Also just as we are reading stories on-line now life, I again think, is changing. I think grammar checks are fucked in a lot of cases. I think using them is writing with someone else's thoughts of how you want it to flow. I hope to be able to get some more of my stories on the site. I think many readers will always be thrown off by it, however the ones that like it will love the places I am going to be taking the open-minded reader's mind. Hey it's all good right? And it can only get better.
John,
Thanks for the kind words. Oh and "fucking eddy" is an old Calif.
term,,,, means,,,ahhh,,,, like oh shit! Your not getting old or slow
just younger than me. Probably shouldn't have used it.
Good reading and look for more of my stuff as soon as there is room in
the "Fish Bowl" until then there is always good reading there.
Thanks
Talon
PS. love your tractors
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 14:36:13 -0800
[email protected] (Bradley Stoke) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
Talon
I must confess the story puzzled me a bit. I wasn't sure at what level the fantasy existed. Whether it was Thomas' office fantasy or yours or an account of a real life (if improbable) event. But it's a sex story and I guess the main purpose of it is to arouse sympathetic sexual arousal in all males who find themselves lusting after female colleagues.
It was interesting to read a story where the central protagonist is a penis. It certainly has a mind of its own, and I guess there's no coincidence that 'Thomas' is also one of the many euphemisms applied to the penis.
I was confused by the writing style. There were so many syntactical and spelling mistakes that I couldn't be certain that they weren't deliberately intended. Perhaps as a kind of stream-of-consciousness. However, some errors were worse than sloppy proofreading, where, for instance, speech marks were used inappropriately. And the resolution at the end didn't seem to resolve anything very much. Why did Thomas get an image of Shirley on his PC? Why did Shirley find Thomas attractive? What was the purpose in her asking him to hurt her?
However, although on the whole I think this is a story that could be improved a fair bit by some proofreading, sympathetic editing and a review of how the various strands join up, I have to compliment you on an excellent first paragraph. It might have required a bit of tidying up, but it immediately grabbed my attention. In fact, I do know exactly what those days are like. Pretty embarrassing they are too! And the story achieved one end, which was fairly remarkable, of keeping the focus so much on male genitals.
So, congratulations for contributing to the Fish Tank. And I hope you will continue to contribute stories to ASSM.
Bradley Stoke
Well first of all I would like to thank Desdmona for putting together the "Fish Tank." I would also like to give a hardy thanks to all of those who gave me their input. In writing, as we all know this is a key to understanding the readers and what's in people's minds eye. I would like to explain one thing, I am new to this type of site and submitting stories. I made a mistake when communicating with Des and misunderstood her. My style of writing is not what most of you are used to. First I use a lot of,,,,,, well,,,,,, ummm,,,,,,,, these little commas to ahhh��. show a passing of time or a �� form of thought process. I gave Des the right to change a few things and those (. & , were left out or changed to a single "." or "," and yes it made the story very hard to read. This was as in no way Des's fault. It was my newness of this site that caused that. Lastly I would like to point one thing out about my unusual style of writing. I do love to write in such a manner that thoughts are clear but the meaning or the direction they take you are left up to you,,,, the reader's mind to decipher. It brings about in the reader's mind a forced look at ones own mind as to what the words trigger. In erotic or anything sexual many people love it but love it in a "in the closet way." It stimulates their mind in ways they either recognize or makes them have to go back and explain to themselves why they have the feelings that they as readers have. I am not a writer that writes something that you can sit on the couch, slip off your shoes and drink a hot chocolate and read. That's in "Readers Digest." Yes I know that last sentence was a fragment of a sentence,,,,,,, but,,,,,,, I like that�� you see that's the way life is�. that's the way people talk�. they break things up�.maybe to wait for a response,,,, or to let it sink in,,,,,,, or maybe to get a point across. I believe that the days of "See Jane run, see Jane skip" are over. I like it more like this��"See Jane run,,,,, of fuck what happened to Jane?" Makes your mind work, something this country needs to do more of,,,, think. Also just as we are reading stories on-line now life, I again think, is changing. I think grammar checks are fucked in a lot of cases. I think using them is writing with someone else's thoughts of how you want it to flow. I hope to be able to get some more of my stories on the site. I think many readers will always be thrown off by it, however the ones that like it will love the places I am going to be taking the open-minded reader's mind. Hey it's all good right? And it can only get better.
Bradly,
Great word "lust" think it's out of context here though, but you're
the reader.
I think you have had some bad experience in the work place that causes
you to say what you said. I have found that in women as well as men,
if not more because of the societies suppression of woman's
sexuality.I know many of a woman that heads to the restroom during
work hours and uses her pocket buddy to satisfy her ,,,, shall we say
their lust over MALE colleagues. If you would like I can sent you
stories I have received from a number of women that follow that same
train of thought that up until now was only known to be done by the
male gender.
As for the penis being the chief protagonist of the story,,,, well
every one interprets words in their own way. I see it as Thomas and
Shirley. But the thought you have is good and helps me in my studies
of how people see things in their own mind. I am glad that my writing
made your mind dig way down deep to find what your perception of a
penis is.
The question of if Thomas did really get the image on his computer is
a good one,,, there again I am happy my writing worked,,, made you
think. And made you, for whatever reason read and respond. Now the
"Hurt me, hurt me" I again can show you proof that more and more
people are into a slight amount of sexual pain,,, a slap on the
ass,,,, a light to heavy pinch of a nipple,,,,, the whip. All erotic
all if done with consent of both parties and both being adults is very
common. I find it very stimulating in my sex life as do many of the
women I speak or deal with. I however do not go for the hurting to the
point of it no longer being fun.
As far as the focus being on the male genitals being the thing I think
again you must look inside for that answer,,, I saw�.. read ,,,, and
pictured,,,, tits,,,,,, pussy,,,,,, ass,,,,, nipples. All things are
in the eye of the beholder. I wrote this one and in this case believe
me I wasn't seeing dick when I wrote it,,, no sir just a lovely soft
smooth naked warm woman's body .
Yes we all have those days. I am thankful that I have a cock and that
women have tits,,, pussy and all their beauty,,,, yes I love their
minds first. Without their minds and love, my hand will do fine.
Thank you for taking the time to write your feelings and giving me the
knowledge that what I have planned for my writing to do does in fact
work.
And thanks for places like the "Fish Bowl"
Good reading
Talon
PS. I hate to sound stupid but what is "ASSM?"
From: Tesseract
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 21:35:38 -0800
[email protected] (TALON DEMOUR) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
...
Talon
PS. I hate to sound stupid but what is "ASSM?"
Ignorance is not stupidity, and asking questions is a sign of intelligence.
The news group alt.sex.stories.moderated. And ASSD is alt.sex.stories.d, where the 'd' stands for discussion.
ASSM is a moderated news group, which means that everything posted there is supposed to have been approved by the moderator. The moderators (Hey guys! Good job! Stand up and wave.), there are more than one, call it the moderation center. Occasionally, someone hacks into the news group and drops spam all over the place. By tagging the moderated messages with {ASSM} they can be easily distinguished from the spam. Stories released by the moderation center are also cross posted to alt.sex.stories, ASS, where the {ASSM} tag can be very useful as ASS gets much more spam.
That's also the reason for {ASSD}. People participating in ASSD tag their messages with {ASSD} (well, unless they forget) to distinguish them from spam as spammers are too lazy to bother with these niceties. Some people filter out messages by looking for the {ASSD} tag in the subject line. (Hey guys, the convention is {ASSD}, not (ASSD) or [ASSD]. Some of you seem to have defective keyboards.) If you forget and somebody reposts your message with the curlies, as {AASD} is sometimes called, consider it an honour that at least one person thinks your message of sufficient worth that others should see it.
Tesseract
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 14:56:32 -0800
Jeff Zephyr <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
On Mon, 20 Jan 2003 10:11:29 -0500, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
Quick, short repeat: The story has spelling and punctuation errors, and similar technical things which distract from the story. An editor could neatly fix much of them, while automatic spell and grammar checkers might miss them.
I liked the story flow, it was both dreamy and real, alternating. While I'd class it on the side of the surreal, not quite reality, the ending doesn't quite clarify it. OTOH - it is a funny thing about dreams, that you can dream that you're not dreaming, that the dream is real, and within the dream believe it.
So whether Thomas just dreamed it all or it really happened to him doesn't matter. The story does feel like a fantasy, but it is nice to see the fantasy and dream elements featured so strongly, so clearly. What happens is unbelievable, but Thomas doesn't mind because it is fun. I like that part.
The lack of confidence on Thomas's part is also entertaining, and adds veracity to the whole dreamlike feeling. If it is merely a dream, he is still stuck with all the problems he faces. Things don't magically work out perfectly.
I think that the focus could be improved. The scenes change rapidly at times, and it gets hard to follow. Part of this is the imperfect punctuation, but there are times when I'm just unclear as to what is happening and who is doing it.
"I am all wet too Thomas.see?" As she said it she slid her finger into her pussy, in and out in and out as it got wetter she laid her head back.
Her tits were huge and I couldn't stop myself. I reached forward and took one in each hand, oh my god they were nice, firm yet soft. The fucking nipples were as hard as my dick. She reached down with her other hand and started sliding it over the length of my cock. Stroking it. I put my hand to her pussy and she sighed, it was wet and hot. I rubbed over it and her asshole as she stroked me harder and harder.
Then she just stopped.
Oops, cut a bit too much. Somehow, Thomas could play with her nipples even though she only lifted up her skirt. If that unexplained sudden nudity was intended, I'd think that pointing it out explicitly would be good - he should notice that she was suddenly topless.
There were other places with this sort of thing, making it hard to follow. You have to imagine things happening which aren't shown, and that gets confusing.
Well first of all I would like to thank Desdmona for putting together the "Fish Tank." I would also like to give a hardy thanks to all of those who gave me their input. In writing, as we all know this is a key to understanding the readers and what's in people's minds eye. I would like to explain one thing, I am new to this type of site and submitting stories. I made a mistake when communicating with Des and misunderstood her. My style of writing is not what most of you are used to. First I use a lot of,,,,,, well,,,,,, ummm,,,,,,,, these little commas to ahhh��. show a passing of time or a �� form of thought process. I gave Des the right to change a few things and those (. & , were left out or changed to a single "." or "," and yes it made the story very hard to read. This was as in no way Des's fault. It was my newness of this site that caused that. Lastly I would like to point one thing out about my unusual style of writing. I do love to write in such a manner that thoughts are clear but the meaning or the direction they take you are left up to you,,,, the reader's mind to decipher. It brings about in the reader's mind a forced look at ones own mind as to what the words trigger. In erotic or anything sexual many people love it but love it in a "in the closet way." It stimulates their mind in ways they either recognize or makes them have to go back and explain to themselves why they have the feelings that they as readers have. I am not a writer that writes something that you can sit on the couch, slip off your shoes and drink a hot chocolate and read. That's in "Readers Digest." Yes I know that last sentence was a fragment of a sentence,,,,,,, but,,,,,,, I like that�� you see that's the way life is�. that's the way people talk�. they break things up�.maybe to wait for a response,,,, or to let it sink in,,,,,,, or maybe to get a point across. I believe that the days of "See Jane run, see Jane skip" are over. I like it more like this��"See Jane run,,,,, of fuck what happened to Jane?" Makes your mind work, something this country needs to do more of,,,, think. Also just as we are reading stories on-line now life, I again think, is changing. I think grammar checks are fucked in a lot of cases. I think using them is writing with someone else's thoughts of how you want it to flow. I hope to be able to get some more of my stories on the site. I think many readers will always be thrown off by it, however the ones that like it will love the places I am going to be taking the open-minded reader's mind. Hey it's all good right? And it can only get better.
Jeff,
Thanks to you for the input.
I am very happy with the way you described dreaming,,,, I mean you may
have hit on one of the core entities of my writing. I think that
Thomas faces no dilemma that most people don't face. He has a hard
dick,,,, a sexy woman sitting there and doesn't have the experience
for the next move. I find that not a problem as much as a sheltered
life. I think it was a success for Thomas whether a dream or real. He
learned from it. There again my writing opens people's eyes to what
is hidden in their minds,,,, we all need to face our inner thoughts.
Lastly,,,, I never said she was nude,,,,, I said he felt her
nipples,,,, a very easy thing to do through clothing when a woman gets
excited sexually. Next time your with who ever your sex partner is
turn them on and see if you can't feel,,,, pinch�. Or just touch their
nipples through their cloths. I find it part of the foreplay. Touching
through the cloths,,,, especially in public places.
The other thing you said threw me off,,, you said you couldn't follow
who was doing what. However the story reads,,,, "He said,,,, she
did,,,, and so on. Sorry for the confusion.
Again,,, no my writing is not meant to be easy, you must pay attention
and let your mind be your guide.
I will use your tips in my future writing.
Good reading
Talon
From: Tesseract
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 21 Jan 2003 22:39:46 -0800
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
**************************************************
OFFICE PARTY (MF)
By Talon Demour
[email protected]
You ever have one of those days when no matter what you do your cock just wont stop throbbing? It keeps getting hard and all bent in your pants.
Great opening paragraph. You give good description and I get a good picture of what's happening. You set a nice pace and keep to it; I didn't notice any place that the story dragged. Over all a good story.
Things to improve. The main things I noticed are technical things.
Might have been a good thing, I have noticed that a couple of the girls in the office had caught a glimpse of me as I walked quickly to the restroom to relieve the pressure. I had noticed that Shirley had grown fond of keeping an eye on me and for some reason that seemed to bring me pleasure. Could have had something to do with the fact her nipples were sticking out though her blouse. Like her tits were calling to my dick. "Come over and ask me to play."
This is a good paragraph and sets up the rest of the story, but you seem to want to use the pluperfect (a/k/a past perfect) without actually pulling it off.
The rest of the story nicely moves into the simple past tense but you occasionally slip into the present tense.
You need to trade some of those commas in for periods:
I turned to the water cooler and there was Shirley {,/.} {o/O}h man {,} the roundness of her ass called my dick to cum right in her.
She smiled at me, you know
you've seen them before, one of those let's get naked and.and, fuck just and is all my mind could come up with.
I think your word processor got away from you here. It's just a matter of letting it know who is boss.
Fuck! I fucking almost fucking forgot. You fucking use too fucking many fuckings in your fucking story. It fucking gets fucking tedious some of the fucking time and fucking detracts from the story.
As I mentioned, these are technical things that can easily be corrected. Keep on writing!
Tesseract
From: Conjugate
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 00:04:09 -0700
Small error there, dude.
"Tesseract" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
Fuck! I fucking almost fucking forgot. You fucking use too fucking many fuckings in your fucking story. It fucking gets fucking tedious some of the fucking time and fucking detracts from the story.
You meant, "fucking story," right?
As I mentioned, these are technical things that can easily be corrected. Keep on writing!
Conjugate
From: Tesseract
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 22 Jan 2003 04:59:30 -0800
"Conjugate" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
Small error there, dude.
"Tesseract" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
Fuck! I fucking almost fucking forgot. You fucking use too fucking many fuckings in your fucking story. It fucking gets fucking tedious some of the fucking time and fucking detracts from the story.
You meant, "fucking story," right?
As I mentioned, these are technical things that can easily be corrected. Keep on writing!
Conjugate
Fucking mea fucking culpa.
Fucking Tesseract
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 15:03:14 -0800
"Conjugate" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
Small error there, dude.
"Tesseract" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
Fuck! I fucking almost fucking forgot. You fucking use too fucking many fuckings in your fucking story. It fucking gets fucking tedious some of the fucking time and fucking detracts from the story.
You meant, "fucking story," right?
As I mentioned, these are technical things that can easily be corrected. Keep on writing!
Conjugate
Yes he fucking meant the fucking story, thought it was fucking clear,,,, fuck now I am really confussed,,,fuck the word fuck to much in a fucking sex erotic story. No disrespect to you,,,,,but FUCK!? Just kidding will keep it in fucking mind. Talon
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 15:00:27 -0800
[email protected] (Tesseract) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ... **************************************************
OFFICE PARTY (MF)
By Talon Demour
[email protected]
You ever have one of those days when no matter what you do your cock just wont stop throbbing? It keeps getting hard and all bent in your pants.
Great opening paragraph. You give good description and I get a good picture of what's happening. You set a nice pace and keep to it; I didn't notice any place that the story dragged. Over all a good story.
Things to improve. The main things I noticed are technical things.
Might have been a good thing, I have noticed that a couple of the girls in the office had caught a glimpse of me as I walked quickly to the restroom to relieve the pressure. I had noticed that Shirley had grown fond of keeping an eye on me and for some reason that seemed to bring me pleasure. Could have had something to do with the fact her nipples were sticking out though her blouse. Like her tits were calling to my dick. "Come over and ask me to play."
This is a good paragraph and sets up the rest of the story, but you seem to want to use the pluperfect (a/k/a past perfect) without actually pulling it off.
The rest of the story nicely moves into the simple past tense but you occasionally slip into the present tense.
You need to trade some of those commas in for periods:
I turned to the water cooler and there was Shirley {,/.} {o/O}h man {,} the roundness of her ass called my dick to cum right in her.
She smiled at me, you know
you've seen them before, one of those let's get naked and.and, fuck just and is all my mind could come up with.
I think your word processor got away from you here. It's just a matter of letting it know who is boss.
Fuck! I fucking almost fucking forgot. You fucking use too fucking many fuckings in your fucking story. It fucking gets fucking tedious some of the fucking time and fucking detracts from the story.
As I mentioned, these are technical things that can easily be corrected. Keep on writing!
Never seen fucking distract from sex stories, again in the eyes of the reader, that's what I love about writing. No my writing is not for everyone. Some of it just hits to deep. Thanks Talon
From: Tesseract
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 21:39:58 -0800
[email protected] (TALON DEMOUR) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
[email protected] (Tesseract) wrote in message > Never seen fucking distract from sex stories, again in the eyes of the reader, that's what I love about writing. No my writing is not for everyone. Some of it just hits to deep. Thanks Talon
I never said it was too deep for me. Quite the opposite in fact. Too many gratuitous fuckings just increases the noise, thus lowering the signal to noise ratio.
Tesseract - are we all just noise distorting the pure signal of the universe?
From: Heather
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 22 Jan 2003 07:14:21 -0800
I absolutely loved the style of this story. It is unfortunate that some of the posters are hung up on trivial things and seemed to have missed a lot.
My 2 compliments would be
1) I love the real conversation. It's not bullshit he said she said
boring crap it is presented and you pull it off great as real life
conversations. The way people really talk to each other. The umms and
ahhhs are good examples of this. I can hear the conversation between
the people as I read and am very impressed with its realism. Also, the
variety of conversations and how Thomas has them with himself, his
dick, his computer, as well as Shirley and his boss are another
example of this style. Fantastic.
2) The insecurity of Thomas, the humor, and the sex scenes all flow great. I giggled, I laughed out loud and I got hot. So I would say if those were your intentions you sure pulled them off perfectly.
My 2 suggestions would be
1) I was left wanting more. I guess to some this might be a compliment
but I was left wanting more of the pain aspect of the story. You
teased the reader with it but it's over before it begins.
2) I know this is a repeat but it is the only other thing I can think
of and that is the switch sometimes between past and present tense.
As I said I love your style and find it a very refreshing change. Hope to see a whole lot more from you Talon.
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 15:06:06 -0800
[email protected] (Heather) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
I absolutely loved the style of this story. It is unfortunate that some of the posters are hung up on trivial things and seemed to have missed a lot.
My 2 compliments would be
1) I love the real conversation. It's not bullshit he said she said boring crap it is presented and you pull it off great as real life conversations. The way people really talk to each other. The umms and ahhhs are good examples of this. I can hear the conversation between the people as I read and am very impressed with its realism. Also, the variety of conversations and how Thomas has them with himself, his dick, his computer, as well as Shirley and his boss are another example of this style. Fantastic.
2) The insecurity of Thomas, the humor, and the sex scenes all flow great. I giggled, I laughed out loud and I got hot. So I would say if those were your intentions you sure pulled them off perfectly.
Heather,
Thank you. When ever a woman is looking or wanting more I know I have done good.
Good reading
Talon
My 2 suggestions would be
1) I was left wanting more. I guess to some this might be a compliment but I was left wanting more of the pain aspect of the story. You teased the reader with it but it's over before it begins. 2) I know this is a repeat but it is the only other thing I can think of and that is the switch sometimes between past and present tense.
As I said I love your style and find it a very refreshing change. Hope to see a whole lot more from you Talon.
From: Mat Twassel
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 23 Jan 2003 21:05:08 GMT
I made a list of the comments so far.
What worked:
1. Nice and sexy
2. Language of the guys' thoughts
3. The ways of Shirley's seduction
4. The way normal office things were eroticized
5. Nice unexpected metaphors
6. The realism of the guy's insecurity
7. The play by play in the guy's head is good comedy
8. Fluid conversational style
9. Enough suspense to keep the reader reading
10. Excellent opening paragraph
11. Kept focus on male genitals
12. Fun
13. Clarity of fantasy and dream elements
14. Good pace - never drags
15. Blend of real, conversation, and humor
16. Fresh - not "he said, she said."
What needs improvement:
1. incorrect punctuation a distraction
2. Shirley talks with the guy's dick in her mouth
3. Reads choppy
4. Didn't believe he'd go to the restroom with Shirley at hand
5. Laundry list rhythms, not enough variation of sentence types
6. Too "superlative" - nothing left for the ending
7. Ending with a bit of jargon
8. Sloppy proofreading
9. Unresolved ending
10. Puzzling at what level the fantasy (if it is a fantasy) exists
11. Lack of clarity in transition (things and action omitted)
12. Shifting tenses cause confusion
13. Repetition of "fucking" becomes tedious and distracting
14. The "pain" aspect slighted - reader left wanting more
All in all I agree with everything, more or less.
I loved the enthusiasm (big big plus) but didn't care for the guy or the sex or the tons of dubious punctuation and lack of it. Usually when I don't like a main character I want to see him get what he deserves or change for the better. Still, there's something to be said for a sad sack staying a sad sack but at least getting some exciting sex along the way. I was also disappointed that Shirley is mostly just a sex object. There are hints that she is more; I want more hints. The broken sink is a wonderful detail and I like the way it comes back at the end of the story, but the actual breaking of the sink - well, I can't make up my mind about it. >>until three things happened, I came and she swallowed, she came and shook like crazy, and the third well the sink broke off the wall. Fuck water was squirting all over. She never stopped she swallowed every last drop.<< That's very nearly brilliant. Fuck, it is brilliant. Funny and sexy in a darkish way. But all those other errors in the writing make it hard for me to trust this inspired bit.) The PC thing is interesting, too, but I too am dissatisfied with the resolution. I was hoping maybe he'd step into the PC, and for a moment I thought he did, but I think that was mostly just a technical glitch. Those metaphors were really neat, especially the antenna and the traffic cone - apt! But then when the guy is talking about the traffic cone he says, "a orange" - who says "a orange"? Was that by design to show the level of education, or was it a proofing slipup, or does the writer not know? It's important, I think, for the writer to show enough control that such questions never enter the reader's mind.* >>Ok I get the idea fucking balls are sore Shirley sure new how to suck dick.<< Speaking of the cone, the narrator doesn't actually say "cone." Does that mean he couldn't think of the word? I can understand not being able to come up with pylon in the flush of the moment, but cone? Someone mentioned that this piece was pretty much told through the eye of a penis. Man, what a neat idea - if only the writer had been able to pull it off.
*So here's the single most important thing. I'm not against wildness or surreal or staying away from he said she said. Take those risks, be bold, be wild, yes yes yes. But for wildness to work, the writer must demonstrate he is in control. Then the reader can enjoy the ride. If the reader doesn't trust the writer, neat stuff goes for naught.
- Mat Twassel
Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 15:08:56 -0800
[email protected] (mat twassel) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
I made a list of the comments so far.
What worked:
1. Nice and sexy
2. Language of the guys' thoughts
3. The ways of Shirley's seduction
4. The way normal office things were eroticized 5. Nice unexpected metaphors 6. The realism of the guy's insecurity 7. The play by play in the guy's head is good comedy 8. Fluid conversational style 9. Enough suspense to keep the reader reading 10. Excellent opening paragraph 11. Kept focus on male genitals
12. Fun
13. Clarity of fantasy and dream elements 14. Good pace - never drags 15. Blend of real, conversation, and humor 16. Fresh - not "he said, she said."
What needs improvement:
1. incorrect punctuation a distraction 2. Shirley talks with the guy's dick in her mouth 3. Reads choppy 4. Didn't believe he'd go to the restroom with Shirley at hand 5. Laundry list rhythms, not enough variation of sentence types 6. Too "superlative" - nothing left for the ending 7. Ending with a bit of jargon 8. Sloppy proofreading
9. Unresolved ending
10. Puzzling at what level the fantasy (if it is a fantasy) exists 11. Lack of clarity in transition (things and action omitted) 12. Shifting tenses cause confusion 13. Repetition of "fucking" becomes tedious and distracting 14. The "pain" aspect slighted - reader left wanting more
All in all I agree with everything, more or less.
I loved the enthusiasm (big big plus) but didn't care for the guy or the sex or the tons of dubious punctuation and lack of it. Usually when I don't like a main character I want to see him get what he deserves or change for the better. Still, there's something to be said for a sad sack staying a sad sack but at least getting some exciting sex along the way. I was also disappointed that Shirley is mostly just a sex object. There are hints that she is more; I want more hints. The broken sink is a wonderful detail and I like the way it comes back at the end of the story, but the actual breaking of the sink - well, I can't make up my mind about it. >>until three things happened, I came and she swallowed, she came and shook like crazy, and the third well the sink broke off the wall. Fuck water was squirting all over. She never stopped she swallowed every last drop.<< That's very nearly brilliant. Fuck, it is brilliant. Funny and sexy in a darkish way. But all those other errors in the writing make it hard for me to trust this inspired bit.) The PC thing is interesting, too, but I too am dissatisfied with the resolution. I was hoping maybe he'd step into the PC, and for a moment I thought he did, but I think that was mostly just a technical glitch. Those metaphors were really neat, especially the antenna and the traffic cone - apt! But then when the guy is talking about the traffic cone he says, "a orange" - who says "a orange"? Was that by design to show the level of education, or was it a proofing slipup, or does the writer not know? It's important, I think, for the writer to show enough control that such questions never enter the reader's mind.* >>Ok I get the idea fucking balls are sore Shirley sure new how to suck dick.<< Speaking of the cone, the narrator doesn't actually say "cone." Does that mean he couldn't think of the word? I can understand not being able to come up with pylon in the flush of the moment, but cone? Someone mentioned that this piece was pretty much told through the eye of a penis. Man, what a neat idea - if only the writer had been able to pull it off.
*So here's the single most important thing. I'm not against wildness or surreal or staying away from he said she said. Take those risks, be bold, be wild, yes yes yes. But for wildness to work, the writer must demonstrate he is in control. Then the reader can enjoy the ride. If the reader doesn't trust the writer, neat stuff goes for naught.
- Mat Twassel
Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com
Mat,
Thanks for taking the time to write. I will keep in mind all of your
words and take them to heart. I have read some of your writing and it
means a lot to me to hear from you.
Good reading
Talon
From: Desdmona
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2003 14:02:41 -0500
OFFICE PARTY (MF)
By Talon Demour
[email protected]
Talon~
This story is pure stroke. It's all about the sex action. It's sort of fun to get a glimpse into the mind of an aroused guy. And I like the guy. He's just an average dude that can't believe his luck. It certainly proves that sitting behind a desk all day can make a mind wander. And it also goes a long way in proving that once a man is aroused, pretty much all he can think is Fuck.
It has a nice office setup. And I like the ending with the sort of inside joke shared between Thomas and his boss. It stretches credulity, but this story isn't about reality, it's about fantasy. In a fantasy world, this could all happen. An average guy gets the hot chick, he gets to have sex in the bathroom, he gets to cause damage as serious as breaking a sink, and he gets the pat on the back from the boss for all of it.
Unfortunately, the many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling are a real detriment to getting the story read. Too many times I had to stop and reread, and reread, trying to understand what was actually being said. I think the confusion might begin by thinking the style of this story is stream of consciousness. Stream of consciousness stories are more likely to be written in present tense. For the reader to believe that hurried thoughts are running into each other then there needs to be the immediacy of it happening at that moment. This story is written in past tense. (Mostly) Thomas is telling a story that has already happened. It's harder to grasp that immediacy. Therefore you don't have the luxury of using run on sentences, or punctuation haphazardly.
My suggestion would be to clean up the small things like typos, [wont should be won't or though that should be through] and then either change the whole thing to present tense which will better justify the run on sentences and haphazard punctuation, or keep it in past tense and use punctuation to its fullest advantage.
Thanks for allowing us this chance to read your story. I hope you've found your time in the FishTank advantageous.
Des
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 24 Jan 2003 15:14:40 -0800
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
OFFICE PARTY (MF)
By Talon Demour
[email protected]
Talon~
This story is pure stroke. It's all about the sex action. It's sort of fun to get a glimpse into the mind of an aroused guy. And I like the guy. He's just an average dude that can't believe his luck. It certainly proves that sitting behind a desk all day can make a mind wander. And it also goes a long way in proving that once a man is aroused, pretty much all he can think is Fuck.
It has a nice office setup. And I like the ending with the sort of inside joke shared between Thomas and his boss. It stretches credulity, but this story isn't about reality, it's about fantasy. In a fantasy world, this could all happen. An average guy gets the hot chick, he gets to have sex in the bathroom, he gets to cause damage as serious as breaking a sink, and he gets the pat on the back from the boss for all of it.
Unfortunately, the many errors in grammar, punctuation, and spelling are a real detriment to getting the story read. Too many times I had to stop and reread, and reread, trying to understand what was actually being said. I think the confusion might begin by thinking the style of this story is stream of consciousness. Stream of consciousness stories are more likely to be written in present tense. For the reader to believe that hurried thoughts are running into each other then there needs to be the immediacy of it happening at that moment. This story is written in past tense. (Mostly) Thomas is telling a story that has already happened. It's harder to grasp that immediacy. Therefore you don't have the luxury of using run on sentences, or punctuation haphazardly.
My suggestion would be to clean up the small things like typos, [wont should be won't or though that should be through] and then either change the whole thing to present tense which will better justify the run on sentences and haphazard punctuation, or keep it in past tense and use punctuation to its fullest advantage.
Thanks for allowing us this chance to read your story. I hope you've found your time in the FishTank advantageous.
Des
Des,
My biggest thrill in all of this is your words on my writing. And I
have had a great time with the "Fish Bowl" I am just sorry I messed up
so much in the way I gave you the story and that made the reading so
hard.And thanks for being so patient with my blunders, you are one of
a kind. I will learn from you and the others. Thanks for my 15 min of
fame in the "Fish Bowl."
Talon
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 25 Jan 2003 13:18:29 -0800
Well, it would seem that I have discovered why my punctuation has changed so much from what I submit to what appears on this board. Since I cut and paste from Word it takes my ellipses and turns them into "??", "?.", or just one period in the middle of a sentence. I am new here and as was stated this is my first story posting. I would have thought that one of the "regulars" might have recognized this posting problem and stated it in a response so that I and others reading my story would be aware of the problem.
I am bringing this to your attention to address the onslaught of criticism about my editing. It is my understanding that "The Fish Tank" is a place for new writers to receive feedback on their writing abilities and to learn from it. My question would be, why didn't those who frequent this discussion group simply ask, "did you cut and paste?" instead of criticizing the editing. It is my hope this helps future posters understand that the manner in which the story is submitted may alter your punctuation.
In closing, this experience and your responses have helped me. I have found my writing does indeed dig itself deeply into the readers mind and exposes the reader to feelings that they may have otherwise been unaware existed or have repressed.
Good Reading
Talon
From: Desdmona
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Sat, 25 Jan 2003 18:39:58 -0500
"TALON DEMOUR" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
Well, it would seem that I have discovered why my punctuation has changed so much from what I submit to what appears on this board. Since I cut and paste from Word it takes my ellipses and turns them into "??", "?.", or just one period in the middle of a sentence. I am new here and as was stated this is my first story posting. I would have thought that one of the "regulars" might have recognized this posting problem and stated it in a response so that I and others reading my story would be aware of the problem.
<snip>
First, let me apologize for the mishandling of Talon's story. When I received his story as a doc. file, I should have sent it back to him and requested he send it to me as a text file. I do not have the capabilities to accurately change doc files into ASCII files. I know there are ways to do this, and maybe someone can direct me to the best place to find this out, so I can pass this information on to people who have questions.
There were some minor mistakes caused by the formatting of Talon's story and there is potential for even larger mistakes in future submissions. So in order to insure that stories are posted as the author intends, it's best that the author himself converts his story from now on.
I will no longer be accepting anything but text files for the FishTank.
Des
From: dennyw
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Sat, 25 Jan 2003 18:41:48 -0800
On Sat, 25 Jan 2003 18:39:58 -0500, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
"TALON DEMOUR" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ... Well, it would seem that I have discovered why my punctuation has changed so much from what I submit to what appears on this board. Since I cut and paste from Word it takes my ellipses and turns them into "??", "?.", or just one period in the middle of a sentence.
For Usenet, it's not a good plan to cut & paste from Word. FAR better to 'Save As' MS-DOS text with line breaks.
I am
new here and as was stated this is my first story posting. I would have thought that one of the "regulars" might have recognized this posting problem and stated it in a response so that I and others reading my story would be aware of the problem.
I just looked at it. I'm used to seeing posts that are messed-up because of cut/paste from Word (I'm a moderator for ASSM, so I see the posts that don't get to the newsgroup). I didn't see any of the telltales in your post, as Des presented it.
That may be why no regular spotted the problem.
Mostly it looked like a somewhat poorly punctuated and mildly ungrammatical post - of which we see a LOT.
<snip>
First, let me apologize for the mishandling of Talon's story. When I received his story as a doc. file, I should have sent it back to him and requested he send it to me as a text file. I do not have the capabilities to accurately change doc files into ASCII files. I know there are ways to do this, and maybe someone can direct me to the best place to find this out, so I can pass this information on to people who have questions.
See Appendix A of the ASSM FAQ; also there's a document about 'Word to text' in the Author's Corner at ASSTR.
There were some minor mistakes caused by the formatting of Talon's story and there is potential for even larger mistakes in future submissions. So in order to insure that stories are posted as the author intends, it's best that the author himself converts his story from now on.
I will no longer be accepting anything but text files for the FishTank.
Good plan. :)
-denny (curmudgeon)
"I'm full of good answers - sometimes it's the question that's wrong." Miss Behavin'
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 26 Jan 2003 13:24:10 -0800
Denny Wheeler <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
On Sat, 25 Jan 2003 18:39:58 -0500, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
I just looked at it. I'm used to seeing posts that are messed-up because of cut/paste from Word (I'm a moderator for ASSM, so I see the posts that don't get to the newsgroup). I didn't see any of the telltales in your post, as Des presented it.
That may be why no regular spotted the problem.
Mostly it looked like a somewhat poorly punctuated and mildly ungrammatical post - of which we see a LOT.
Try looking at the grammatical error examples given in the responses to my story and you will see it right there. There are periods in the middle of sentences that where supposed to be ellipses as one example.
As I have always stated the responses I received have been a great help to me and will better my writing. I again thank Des for the opportunity to present it and all those that responded to it.
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 26 Jan 2003 14:08:14 -0800
Denny Wheeler <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
On Sat, 25 Jan 2003 18:39:58 -0500, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
"TALON DEMOUR" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ... Well, it would seem that I have discovered why my punctuation has changed so much from what I submit to what appears on this board. Since I cut and paste from Word it takes my ellipses and turns them into "??", "?.", or just one period in the middle of a sentence.
For Usenet, it's not a good plan to cut & paste from Word. FAR better to 'Save As' MS-DOS text with line breaks.
I am
new here and as was stated this is my first story posting. I would have thought that one of the "regulars" might have recognized this posting problem and stated it in a response so that I and others reading my story would be aware of the problem.
I just looked at it. I'm used to seeing posts that are messed-up because of cut/paste from Word (I'm a moderator for ASSM, so I see the posts that don't get to the newsgroup). I didn't see any of the telltales in your post, as Des presented it.
That may be why no regular spotted the problem.
Mostly it looked like a somewhat poorly punctuated and mildly ungrammatical post - of which we see a LOT.
<snip>
First, let me apologize for the mishandling of Talon's story. When I received his story as a doc. file, I should have sent it back to him and requested he send it to me as a text file. I do not have the capabilities to accurately change doc files into ASCII files. I know there are ways to do this, and maybe someone can direct me to the best place to find this out, so I can pass this information on to people who have questions.
See Appendix A of the ASSM FAQ; also there's a document about 'Word to text' in the Author's Corner at ASSTR.
There were some minor mistakes caused by the formatting of Talon's story and there is potential for even larger mistakes in future submissions. So in order to insure that stories are posted as the author intends, it's best that the author himself converts his story from now on.
I will no longer be accepting anything but text files for the FishTank.
Good plan. :)
By the way, could you e-mail me your e-mail address, as this one seems not to work. I have some techy questions I would like to ask you. I don't want to use up the bandwidth on the site. Thanks Talon
From: Conjugate
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003 20:13:16 -0700
"TALON DEMOUR" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
Well, it would seem that I have discovered why my punctuation has changed so much from what I submit to what appears on this board. Since I cut and paste from Word it takes my ellipses and turns them into "??", "?.", or just one period in the middle of a sentence. I am new here and as was stated this is my first story posting. I would have thought that one of the "regulars" might have recognized this posting problem and stated it in a response so that I and others reading my story would be aware of the problem.
I am bringing this to your attention to address the onslaught of criticism about my editing. It is my understanding that "The Fish Tank" is a place for new writers to receive feedback on their writing abilities and to learn from it. My question would be, why didn't those who frequent this discussion group simply ask, "did you cut and paste?" instead of criticizing the editing. It is my hope this helps future posters understand that the manner in which the story is submitted may alter your punctuation.
Relax, dude. I don't use Word, so it didn't occur to me. Word likes to do strange things like that. Don't take the criticisms too personally. It wasn't hostility or not caring, it was just the assumption that you wanted the punctuation the way it showed up.
In closing, this experience and your responses have helped me. I have found my writing does indeed dig itself deeply into the readers mind and exposes the reader to feelings that they may have otherwise been unaware existed or have repressed.
Glad you feel you benefited from it; I think I speak for all who responded in saying that we enjoyed your story.
Conjugate
From: TALON DEMOUR
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: 28 Jan 2003 17:49:09 -0800
"Conjugate" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
"TALON DEMOUR" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ... Well, it would seem that I have discovered why my punctuation has changed so much from what I submit to what appears on this board. Since I cut and paste from Word it takes my ellipses and turns them into "??", "?.", or just one period in the middle of a sentence. I am new here and as was stated this is my first story posting. I would have thought that one of the "regulars" might have recognized this posting problem and stated it in a response so that I and others reading my story would be aware of the problem.
I am bringing this to your attention to address the onslaught of criticism about my editing. It is my understanding that "The Fish Tank" is a place for new writers to receive feedback on their writing abilities and to learn from it. My question would be, why didn't those who frequent this discussion group simply ask, "did you cut and paste?" instead of criticizing the editing. It is my hope this helps future posters understand that the manner in which the story is submitted may alter your punctuation.
Relax, dude. I don't use Word, so it didn't occur to me. Word likes to do strange things like that. Don't take the criticisms too personally. It wasn't hostility or not caring, it was just the assumption that you wanted the punctuation the way it showed up.
In closing, this experience and your responses have helped me. I have found my writing does indeed dig itself deeply into the readers mind and exposes the reader to feelings that they may have otherwise been unaware existed or have repressed.
Glad you feel you benefited from it; I think I speak for all who responded in saying that we enjoyed your story.
Conjugate
Conjugate,
There again, thank you. I think we have beaten this horse to death. But always "thank you".
What I would like to do is this. If you would like to e-mail me I will send you an excerpt from my novel. It has been gone over very closely as it is to soon be published. I would then like you to tell me of your feelings.
I will be putting more on this site. However I must wait my turn in line. In this way you can see it and give me your input right away. Good reading .... Talon
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From: Conjugate
Re: Office Party, by Talon Demour
Date: Mon, 20 Jan 2003 19:36:36 -0700
I get to be first. Well, that's not a common event.
Well, the story is nice and sexy. I liked the way Shirley seduces the viewpoint character and I like some of the language you use to describe the character's thoughts. In particular:
I strongly recommend you study punctuation; there were many times I was distracted from the story by incorrect punctuation. One example of many:
When you stop describing the character's speech and begin describing her actions, you need to end the quotation. You should punctuate that sentence like this:
"Oh, I was just wondering. I have been wanting to get my hands on that," she nodded towards my cock, "file for a long time. It's so thick. Does it take a long time to digest everything in it?"
When I first read your story, I read, "she nodded towards my cock file," and I wondered why he had a cock file. It sounded painful, but probably the best way to smooth those small irregularities and rough places ....
Another small quibble. During the scene when she's blowing him and he's slapping her, you write:
She can't say that clearly with his dick in her mouth.
Not a bad beginning. I hope you post a cleaned-up version.
Conjugate
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...