Fish Tank Story Comments - Maggie Makes Some New Friends

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From: Shon Richards
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2001 12:25:11 GMT

Pure Stroke is an excellent title for this, "story". I could hear the porn music starting as soon the woman began hitting on the construction workers. When it comes to following porn story unreality, this story is a ten. She's bored so logically she's going to get fucked. You can't argue with a plot like that for a stroke story.

The other thing I liked about this stroke story was the complete lack of details. There's this chick, and she wants a gangbang so she hits on guys, and what do you know? There's a gangbang.. Not a shred of moral dilemas to be found. We don't waste time creating a real person, all we need to know is she's got big breasts.

That might sound sarcastic, but I'm not. I am dead serious when I say I get so annoyed by stroke stories that begin with real, likable, beleivable characters, and then they smack you with Porn World Plot. I hate getting my hopes up. If there's going to be Porn World Plots, I want Porn World Characters.

As for things I don't like; what coloar hair is Maggie? Maybe I missed it, but when you have a gangbanging bimbo with big breasts, it really helps to know if she's a blonde or not.

My other problem was the lack of surprises in the gangbang. Maybe I'm being picky, but even in a pure stroke story, I like actions or events that astound and amaze me. Plugging the holes as quickly as possible has been done. Considering that there isn't anything unique about the characters, the setting or the reason they're fucking, the sex itself needs to be a bit more special to really make an impression.

From: Desdmona
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 20 Aug 2001 12:37:58 GMT

I had to start with a little different set of mind in this piece. I think it serves its purpose as stroke material very well-for those with this type of fantasy.

I like Maggie's boldness, I wonder how many women who've been whistled at wish they had the *balls* to jump up with the whistlers and call their bluff. (I'll raise my hand on that one--there's also a small part of me that just appreciates still being whistled at)

I suppose stroke stories don't really require set-up or foreplay but because there is so little after Maggie steps back into the room with the men, I lost my ability to see this as anything real. And for me, I even like my stroke stories to be a little believable. By the end, I just want to say, "OUCH!"

I do think it's quite easy in a scene like this to lose sight of so many involved. That didin't happen here, I wasn't confused who was where and who was doing what.

I guess the biggest thing I had a hard time with, was the anal sex. She hardly ever lets her husband but she lets the construction worker, because her mouth is full and she can't say no? Maybe Maggie could at least offer up that because she's so turned on that *even* anal sex seemed like a good idea.

I think if this became a series, Maggie would have a definite following.

Thanks for submitting it!!

Desdmona

From: Mat Twassel
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 20 Aug 2001 23:56:57 GMT

1. I liked the setting BUT I wish there were more details, that more use was made of the house under construction.

2. I like the idea of this woman wanting to explore her fantasy BUT I wish we'd learn more about her--for all the sex I didn't really feel it, maybe because I never felt it was real--for some reason it seemed too much a fantasy and not enough a story. Now if the woman related her fantasy, and if she made the sex come to life, that would have been both a better turn on and a better story, and it would have afforded the opportunity for an interesting ending.

--Mat Twassel

From: Adrienne Brown
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 21 Aug 2001 06:37:09 GMT

I guess I should participate, step up to the plate and submit my comments on one of the stories for this week.

First, the style is consistent throughout.--a total male fantasy. No attempt at realism here to confuse the issue. E.g., no pause to lube Maggie's poop chute. E.g., the "heroine" just loves to get a facial and enjoys walking home with cum drying all over her body.

Second, Maggie is not physically described as fully as in many stroke stories. Here I am afraid I must disagree with Shon. Except for a general idea about her breasts, the reader is free to imagine her/his mind's picture of her. E.g., the little "slut" who roomed around the corner down the hall from me in the college dorm. ;->

First, the first man has at least three hands. Or he is very good working his zipper with his toes: "His hands held me, as if he were afraid I would leave, while he fumbled with his zipper."

Second, there seems to be a discrepancy about the site of Maggie's gangbang. I think she is being banged in a half finished house. So there should be a floor, rather than the ground, upon which the man would lay: "Another man lay down on the ground while someone helped lift me over him and impaled me on his cock."

I hope I haven't repeated.

Except for my imagining a girl I was acquainted with during my long ago college years in the title role, I'm afraid that the story doesn't do anything for me. The "heroine" doesn't seem real to me. Unlike Desdemona, I find it difficult to even try to suspend disbelief. Sorry, but the story doesn't seem to be aimed at this female in the audience.

I really apologize for such a negative commentary.

From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2001 17:02:19 -0600

First, it is a nice fantasy presentation. We don't know anything about the heroine, not really, except that for no particularly good reason -- not even feeling horny as opposed to bored -- she decided to go out and have sex with five guys, and not even ask for names. Or protection. As a repeat thing, as Shon said, it is a fine porn movie plot. There isn't anything wrong with that, if that is your goal.

Maggie is fairly well realized internally. You know what she feels, and what she likes, if not much more about her. That makes it have a certain versimillitude, assuming that you accept the idea that this woman actually did the thing told in the story.

On the downside, the lack of discussion, the lack of direction (she initiated it, and yet didn't seem to try hard to direct the action, give advice, etc.), and the thoroughly zipless, no-worries outcome seems to miss some of the possibilities. That is a style issue, maybe. But to me, if I were in that place, willing to have a gang bang (first one ever?) on a whim, I think that the impact would be far beyond just sexual pleasure. Sort of the "Oh my god, I'm really doing this. It is so intense. How am I ever going to tell hubby (he isn't named), or my friends. I mean, this is too good a secret to keep, how good this..."

Or something like that. She talks fine as the narrator in the opening and close, but I think that it would apply during the story. In fact, it might even be stronger if her narration interjected more into the action. It makes the viewpoint more clear. It might *not* be the literal truth, but it makes a great bedtime story for her to tell you.

If you are going to present a fantasy tale, sometimes it helps to remove it a little more from reality. If, OTOH, you want to tell this tale as something believeable, it needs more grounding in real details.

From: PleaseCain
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 23 Aug 2001 23:07:51 GMT

You nailed the perfect stroke story from the first couple paragraphs. Great lead-in. The end is just as good, with the hot and shocking imagery of her walking around, lazing around, covered in the remnants of her steamy session. Also, the two instances where she wants to assure the onlookers that they would get their turn, but her mouth was full, oh well, are very funny.

Some of the language can be tightened up to keep the pace going, i.e., cutting extraneous words, combining sentences, things that you can hack mercilessly from any story.

I can't tell precisely what the last sentence of this segment means:

As we went through the open front entrance I turned slightly and suggested that maybe they would all like to join us. The look on their faces was priceless. I don't know why that surprised me since even I hadn't done anything quite so bold before.

Lastly, and I understand that this is a fantasy story, but I dislike when characters act out-of-character and suffer no consequences. For me personally, it destroys the story (and the turn-on) because it is disingenuous and the easy way out for a writer, but that is my own view. Of course, we don't absolutely know that what she did is out-of-character, but we can assume so from the comment about anal sex and maybe a few other phrases. I know, I know, stroke and shut up!

Good story, and thanks for contributing it.

Cain

From: Anoninsac
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 22 Aug 2001 16:36:32 -0700

I always like the idea of a little orgy so the story line interested me. The writing kept the story moving along at a good pace.

Couple comments. You used How BOLD she felt twice in the setup at the house. Twice seemed a bit redundant and caught my attention the second time.

Also, I kept wondering why she was suddenly in the mood for an orgy. I knew she was horney but horney to orgy seemed a leap. Had she had orgies before? Did she always want to have one? Long time fantasy?

I'll be interested to see if you turn this into a series.

From: Uther Pendragon
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 05:06:18 GMT

I like the way this starts off both suddenly and with motivation. Stroke doesn't need *much* motivation, but it needs some.

I like the independent woman. She decides.

I'd work on the interactions. The author knows that there is going to be a gangbang, but getting there seems awfully mechanical.

I'd work on her response. The sex sounds like it is seen from outside. What did it feel like? She had an orgasm. "Just that idea was enough to make me come." I'd like to read how that orgasm felt.

From: Always Horny
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Thu, 23 Aug 2001 09:53:28 +0200

1-The style. Clear, simple, flowing.

2-The straight stroke fantasy "plot". Go for it, gangbang, done.

though, I don't know what came over me. I wanted more. More what? Damn, I don't know what I was thinking.

Really?

The cock pressing against my asshole shocked me. I almost never let my husband fuck me there. It just never seemed right. I couldn't object though because, well, you know, my mouth was full. I'll admit, it felt wonderful, two cocks buried deep inside of me

Really? no lube, no pain? At least you could describe a little initial reluctance or discomfort.

From: Nick
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 24 Aug 2001 16:48:54 -0700

OK, so I'm just slipping in here before it's too late.

I would echo Shon's thoughts on this, in that it's good unpretentious straight down the libne stroke and doesn't pretend to be anything else. But I'm not allowed to. Sorry! That's the price you pay for being late.

I can say, however, that it had sufficient credibility to carry me with it. At no point did I say to myself 'No, this couldn't possibly happen!' Unlikely, perhaps, but it still obeyed the laws of physics. So many strokes don't.

There was also an undercurrent of competent writing, which was paced just right. It didn't encourage the reader ask too many questions (though some reviewers seem to have), and at the same time it allowed you to visualise what was happening. Sometimes a hard trick.

As for improvements, I find this tough. They are mainly questions of style, and not everyone would regard them as improvements at all. In the first place I believe that it isn't true that if a woman actually goes up to a bunch of men who have been whistling at her, they would necessarily clam up in the way described. We are, after all, still at the 'flirtation' point, and repartee can quite easily go both ways. I would have liked the guys to have shown a bit more 'gumption'. Now when it gets to the actual sex, things are a little different, and then you might find them a little reticent.

The second one will get me into trouble, and I only suggest it because I like stories with a twist. You could have her complaining at the start of the story about the shoddy workmanship - make it a forgetable aside. Afterwards, when she's all covered in cum etc. she might tear her clothes, accuse them all of gang-rape and call the police. A fine revenge for building a shoddy house!

Cheers

Nick

From: Anne747
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 25 Aug 2001 03:13:10 GMT

The mystery guest signs in.... ;-)

I figured I'd answer these separately but together. I've tried to do these as I read your responses, but I ended up doing the last few all at once. Once I'm done I might add some general comments at the end. Before I start though, thanks to all who gave their input. It's much appreciated.

Shon:

Yes, the idea of the series was meant to be pure porn. My own tastes likely get in the way. I probably should have made her a blonde, but I wanted to let people mentally fill in their own 'type'. I see Maggie as a little 'overblown'. Not the most attractive woman you've ever met, but compelling in some way. This is most likely because of her love of cheap, fast sex. Although I didn't consciously stay away from a 'unique' sex scene, I'm still not sure that's what I'm going for. The idea originally was meant (and may still be) a set of scenes. Something with an intro that leaves you wondering if they stories are real, or the fantasy musings of Maggie (or even someone else).

Desdmona:

You're right about the anal. I tend to get carried away and slip it in when I write 'raunchy'. I could temper it a little more (or drop it in this segment). I couldn't figure out anything that might be on hand as a lube. I could have gone into a slower build-up, but I was trying for quick and dirty.

Mat:

I'm not sure I ever meant this to be a stand-alone story, however, I'm not sure the reader will ever learn a lot about Maggie. On the surface, she's shallow, horny, exploring, etc. In my mind she's not as deep a character as I usually build in my mind. For example, the other night I had a discussion about another female character I've written about. (Wanda for those who read my work.) Wanda is more real, she has more motivation, more background (to me at least). However, there was a different aim to this piece.

Adrienne:

It may have been written as a male fantasy, but the few basic ideas that started it came from a woman. a) I've always wondered what those big macho guys would actually do if you called them on their crude comments, and b) a conversation and a bit of flirting I did many years ago in a half-built house.

Thanks for the 'three hands' note, it's something other people pick up better than you do as the writer. I remember years ago writing something where nobody got undressed (well, not described). The ground could be replaced by floor (and I likely will), but if they're pouring a concrete pad, the hole is dug, footing poured, then it's back-filled and compacted (then the stages of doing the concrete start). My audience runs about 75 / 25 (male / female), and I'll admit that it may be more appealing to men.

This piece was an attempt to try writing more basic stories with (hopefully) more skill than 'the early years'. After all this time, I still get people who prefer my older stories (think all sex, little else). It's a given that not everyone will like a specific story. In fact, I'd really wonder if everyone said they loved it. I'd be far less likely to believe it. You gave some good 'technical details' comments that will be useful.

Jeff:

The discussion of what happens is actually the start of episode #2 (Maggie Confesses. . . and Lisa Undresses). I went back and looked, and she doesn't narrate much one the sex starts. It could be she's too into it, but I'll give it some thought.

PleaseCain:

I'll look again at the paragraph you mentioned. It made perfect sense to me (but isn't that always the way with writers?) You pointed out something I hadn't thought about - the 'out of character' bit. The general idea of the series was Maggie doing what Maggie wanted, no regrets. So, yes, I probably need to drop the bit about not doing anal much. Or at least rewrite it as 'hubby doesn't like it' instead.

Anoninsac:

Maggie has done everything before! At least as I see her, she has. So, I probably need to tone down some of the 'wonder' about the situation. I likely need to deal more with how she revels in it. In the introduction, she's perhaps a little bolder than usual. I've always had a problem with repeating words too close together, so I'll look at the references to bold.

Uther:

You might be expecting more out of the series than I'm likely to give. The points you make are good, but I'm not sure Maggie is that complex. She wants, she needs, she does. What probably hasn't come through well enough is that she gets a charge out of the sexual conquest. In fact, maybe more from that than the sex.

Always Horny:

(pretty much the same response as I made to Desdmona)

Nick:

From my younger days, I can attest that some men do back up a little when called on their suggestions. Especially the cruder they are. (No, I've never propositioned men eactly like this.) I'm also not saying they would say no, but I think it's more of a shock - she said yes? The twist idea is good, but not my style. *grin*

- - - - - - - - - -

Okay guys and gals, thanks again for the comments. It's given me a number of things to think about, and a few areas I'll work on. Overall, the things most likely to change (other than a few oops pointed out) are the 'too easy' anal, and her comment about not doing it that often. I may also look at giving the reader a little more of 'Maggie' when they're reading.

Anne

From: Ray
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 01:05:21 -0400

I'd better get some comments in while I can . . ..

My two positive points:

The story, for what it was, and it pretended to be nothing else; Was extremely well conceived and flowed evenly and naturally from beginning to end.

There did not appear to be any reall rough spots to break your appreciation of what was happening.

As to the two corrective points, everything I personally noted was covered already by the other reviewers, so I have nothing to say on that.

All in all, a good stroke story . . .. The comment was made that this could be the beginning of a series of such stories. If all are as well crafted and executed . . . Bring them on!!

Ray

From: Poison Ivan
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 01:40:42 -0400

I thought this was an good idea for a sex story. For me, the appeal is the purely sexual side of it. Nothing else is relevant. Everyone is here to plug Maggie, and Maggie is here to be plugged by all. If you're going to write a nothing-but-the-sex fantasy, this is how you need to treat your characters.

Where the story falls apart for me, though, is the lack of sensual description. It is very nearly described as a person standing off to the side watching the action, barely from the point of view of Maggie. An example:

Just then, the man fucking my ass pulled out and his warm semen pulsed over my ass.

What is it about this sentence that must be said by Maggie? If you replace "I" with "her", it could just as easily been said by one of the men standing in line waiting for a crack at her. Ultimately, the story feels detached to me, which is odd for a first person story.

I think it may be improved by dwelling more on what Maggie *feels*. What does it feel like when his cock slips out of her ass? Is she so eager for more that she fingers her own asshole until the next guy steps up? And is "warm" the only way to describe the semen dribbling down her butt?

Another thing that might bring the scene into sharper focus would be a little more dialogue. It wouldn't take much, I think. "Come on, somebody, give me another one!" or something to that effect. Maggie is directing all the action here, but she doesn't speak a single word once we get started. A little slutty talk could help define your character in my mind, too! And a few random words of encouragement from the construction workers wouldn't hurt.

That said, I would be careful not to make the sex scene a lot longer. The story feels nicely balanced right now. Getting to the start of the sex is about the first half the story, and the sex itself is the second half. I don't really like stories that have too much sex (a lot of the excitement is in the anticipation you build at the start), and a 50-50 mix is just about right for pure stroke stories. If the sex scene got much longer, I think the intro would need to expand, too. The setting is interesting, so there is room to expand the intro a little.

The story is a nice, easy read. A good story to take and read on the beach, I think!

Poison Ivan

From: Nick
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 25 Aug 2001 15:32:17 -0700

[email protected] (Anne747) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...

The mystery guest signs in .... ;-)

And there was me thinking this was a guy doing a female POV (ref. other threads)!

Desdmona:
You're right about the anal. I tend to get carried away and slip it in when I write 'raunchy'.

I thought you had to push rather hard, normally! ;-)

Nick:
From my younger days, I can attest that some men do back up a little when called on their suggestions. Especially the cruder they are.

Oh yes, thats true. There is a certain 'phasing' on the occasions where that happens. But it seems more frequent these days that a guy who yells at a girl 'show us yer tits!' gets some kind of rejoinder. I do think the idea that guys fall over when a girl answers back is a bit overdone (a female fantasy perhaps?)

I was a little tired last night, though and probably didn't express what I was trying to get at clearly. The point was that although you might expect a bit of two way banter, when it comes to the real thing then you'll get them backing off a bit. Then she is calling the shots. I would certainly need a fair bit of alcohol if I were to 'go for it' surrounded by the guys I work with - probably too much to be able to perform!! It's awfully hard for a man to fake an orgasm! <g>

but I think it's more of a shock - she said yes? The twist idea is good, but not my style. grin

(<blush> If I'd only known ...!)

Ladies and gentlemen, let me warn you: never mention 'gang-rape' (or copyright violation) in front of Anne. I did it once, but I think I got away with it! ;-)

Nick

From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Sat, 25 Aug 2001 20:04:08 -0600

On 25 Aug 2001 15:32:17 -0700, [email protected] (Nick) wrote:

[email protected] (Anne747) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ... The mystery guest signs in .... ;-)

And there was me thinking this was a guy doing a female POV (ref. other threads)!

It can be quite a subtle thing to judge, when the tale is one of fantasy vs. reality. I find female fantasies about men to be quite interesting, and worth presenting in a tale with a male POV character.

Desdmona:
You're right about the anal. I tend to get carried away and slip it in when I write �raunchy'.

I thought you had to push rather hard, normally! ;-)

A number of us do, around here. It is a matter of taste.

Nick:
From my younger days, I can attest that some men do back up a little when called on their suggestions. Especially the cruder they are.

Oh yes, thats true. There is a certain 'phasing' on the occasions where that happens. But it seems more frequent these days that a guy who yells at a girl 'show us yer tits!' gets some kind of rejoinder. I do think the idea that guys fall over when a girl answers back is a bit overdone (a female fantasy perhaps?)

It does depend greatly on whether the suggestions are serious or just teasing or posturing. In a random group of five men, I could see some being shy, and if that one is the "leader" - formal or not - the others might back off too. On the other hand, another group might be quite serious about its offerings. On average, I'd guess that most wouldn't expect an immediate response, and might not be so sure about carrying through. Especially if any are attached and supposedly unavialable.

I was a little tired last night, though and probably didn't express what I was trying to get at clearly. The point was that although you might expect a bit of two way banter, when it comes to the real thing then you'll get them backing off a bit. Then she is calling the shots. I would certainly need a fair bit of alcohol if I were to 'go for it' surrounded by the guys I work with - probably too much to be able to perform!! It's awfully hard for a man to fake an orgasm! <g>

It does depend on the guys, too. If they've done things like that before, or are pretty good friends, it might be easier to go ahead with such a thing without worrying much. In any case, the story situation doesn't need to set up a typical group, just one that happens to do things right (from the storyteller's viewpoint).

Jeff

Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/

There is nothing more important than petting the cat.

From: Anne747
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 28 Aug 2001 02:02:29 GMT

Ray wrote:

(nice things)

Merci ;-)

Anne

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Anne's Erotic Story Archive - http://annejet.pair.com/ Free Story FAQ - http://annejet.pair.com/fsfaq/

From: Anne747
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 28 Aug 2001 02:05:17 GMT

Ivan wrote:

(comments snipped)

The story is a nice, easy read. A good story to take and read on the beach, I think!

Thanks for the comments. Your comments about the detachment once the sex starts was hinted at by other readers. It is something I plan to look at when I force myself to sit down and work on it.

Anne (dealing with a killer headache at the moment, not just procrastinating as usual)

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From: Anne747
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: 28 Aug 2001 02:07:39 GMT

Nick wrote:

And there was me thinking this was a guy doing a female POV (ref. other threads)!

I thought some might think that. No, just an attempt to write a more 'raw' piece (as I did in the past) with a better skill.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me warn you: never mention 'gang-rape' (or copyright violation) in front of Anne. I did it once, but I think I got away with it! ;-)

Depends on the context .... well at least when it comes to the C-word. grin

Anne

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From: Always Horny
Re: Maggie Makes Some New Friends, by Anne747
Date: Wed, 29 Aug 2001 08:55:28 +0200

Anne747 wrote:

You're right about the anal. I tend to get carried away and slip it in when I write �raunchy'. I could temper it a little more (or drop it in this segment). I couldn't figure out anything that might be on hand as a lube.

Spit; a dunk in the pussy first; someone's cum; a lil' rim job with the tongue. Ah, possibilities are endless, really :)

It may have been written as a male fantasy, but the few basic ideas that started it came from a woman. a) I've always wondered what those big macho guys would actually do if you called them on their crude comments,

A friendly warning here: one guy alone might back down. One guy in front of his buddies - espec a construction worker - is downright dangerous to provoke. Male ego and all that. (which you might well use in such a story)

The ground could be replaced by floor

Planking. There's always lots of planking around a construction site. For scaffolding, for casting, etc. And it's springy, too! Ahem.

My audience runs about 75 / 25 (male / female), and I'll admit that it may be more appealing to men.

Would the gender appeal depend on who comes out most "ahead"?

I still get people who prefer my older stories (think all sex, little else).

Hey. maybe they are looking for sex stories. I do.

The general idea of the
series was Maggie doing what Maggie wanted, no regrets. So, yes, I probably need to drop the bit about not doing anal much. Or at least rewrite it as �hubby doesn't like it' instead.

Want a real male fantasy tip? Hubby does it, but he isn't that big. And this bigger size hurts a little bit at first, but later on, ... Ahem. BTW, it might well be a female fantasy too: given to opportunity to dare, she'd love trying a jumbo ...

I'm not sure Maggie is that complex. She wants, she needs, she does.

She's my kind of girl, says the male choir ...

Okay guys and gals, thanks again for the comments.

Thanks for the story.

A_H_01 at hotmail. com

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