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From: Desdmona
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 24 Sep 2001 14:47:00 GMT

I love the first line of this story, "Wetness saturated every molecule in my small greenhouse." Of course I had an instant where I thought we were going to be hearing about something else that is wet and that's the beauty of the line. It's great to be teased right off the bat. It's also a great way to hint at things to come.

I also like the character Tonya very much. She's a mother, a wife, and runs her own business. She has an earthy quality that only someone that runs a nursery can have. She's not afraid to admit she finds young, sunkissed men attractive. And she's compassionate enough to care what happens to a friend's thirty year old plant. (I can't help but draw a little parallel between that plant and Tonya, intentional? I wonder) She's a perfect romance novel heroine by the way.

And then there's the hint of things to come, the very powerful image of Griff leaving the bed right after sex.

One of my suggestions would be at the beginning with the phone call from Trent. It doesn't ring true for me that he's a neighbor, Tonya recognizes his phone voice, and yet she doesn't know Bacchus? Maybe I feel that way because in my neighborhood, our neighbors are nearly defined by their dogs. I know from grocery story experience that I'm recognized by our English Springer Spaniel.

Maybe Tonya could recognize Bacchus and even expects his visits. Maybe this is how she gets her daily thrills, Bacchus visits, Trent retrieves him. (Slight pun that Trent has to retrieve his retriever) Maybe this is how the rest of the story unfolds, but if the latter is the case, I think it would work better if Tonya either doesn't really quite know Trent yet, or she already knows the dog.

Another thing that sort of confused me is after Trent gives a suggestion about cutting back and airing out a "sick" rose bush, Tonya blushes. Why does she blush? Is his suggestion obvious? Is it something she didn't try? (seems unlikely) or does her blush have more to do with Trent looking at the gap in her blouse. I think a word or two of clarification needs to be added here.

It's a great beginning to a story and I can't wait to read the whole thing!

Thank you Virago Blue for allowing us this chance to critique it!!

Desdmona

From: Anne747
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 24 Sep 2001 21:23:57 GMT

Okay, good things first ....

Hot, really hot. There's a good amount of anticipation in the scene with Trent, and the same with the husband/wife sex scene (I kept wondering if she wasn't perhaps thinking about Trent, just a little). Between the two scenes you've left the reader wondering what path the story will eventually take.

I did feel the changeover left skid marks. There's no question that she's with the husband, since you use his name in the first line. It took me a moment to adjust to the change. (Yes, I know that 'Chapter 2' was a clue, but I think I wanted a little more closure from part 1 first.)

And a minor one - how exactly do you pronouce McIlhenney? Pulled me back for a minute trying to figure it out ;-)

Good start, and it will be interesting to see what path it eventually takes.

Anne

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From: Shon Richards
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2001 23:29:34 GMT

What I loved was the line, "I caught my reflection in the glass door and shook the wild medusa-like ribbons, scooping the sweaty strands off my neck and shoulders." Medusa-like ribbons is the best description for wet hair I've ever read.

I also like Trent, big burly young man sex symbol. It made realize how wrong this story would be if the genders were reversed. Older gardener married man getting the hots for his young female neighbor. Hmmm, it would be a hard sell but with the genders as they are, it's sexy. That's so unfair :)

I second Des's comment on the dog not being reconized. In every neighborhood, Animals are known before their owners.

Maybe it's just me, but after her climax with her husband, her thoughts went right to getting a child yet she gets upset when his thoughts are on being late for work. What is she upset about exactly, thst he isn't being with her? Well, she isn't exactly being with him at that moment either. Maybe this is something Virago is building up to.

I also really liked the description "sun-kissed good looks." :)

Head Warlock of the Coven of Bliss
Shon Richards
Adventure Stories of Mine and Others can be found at http://www.asstr.org/~shonRichards/ Romance Stories of mine are hosted by Gary at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/

E-mail me to find out about the ASSD/Coven of Bliss Mentor Program

From: Souvie
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2001 00:29:44 GMT

On 24 Sep 2001 14:13:49 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:

Oh I love the possibilities in this story. :) I shiver thinking of all the places this might end up.

I grabbed the mister on my
potting bench and began spraying my face, neck and shoulders.

At my first read, I thought Virago meant "mister" as in "Hey, mister, can you spare a dime?" lol I was wondering if maybe Tonya used little midget men in her business. <laugh>

I laughed a little, "Would Bacchus be a monstrous yellow lab?"

"That sounds like him," Trent said.

"He's been enjoying the pond on the east side. I can see him from here if I stand on a chair ... "

Okay, just how big is this woman's property? "pond on the east side" has me thinking of Versailles, or some other notably huge estate.

I hung up the phone. A thrill shot through me suddenly at the thought of Trent. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He's an extremely attractive, sexy man. But who said I couldn't admire another man from afar?

I like and I totally with this statement. Just because I love John and don't want to be with another man, doesn't mean I can't admire someone else or aknowledge that they might turn me on in some way.

Trent looked up from the plant and smiled. I felt my blood surge like a rogue wave plowing through dry sand, wetting me in awkward places.

I liked this sentence. Very visual and made me grin.

I can't wait to see how Virago finishes this up. :) The sex part got me wishing John was a little more closer than 1000 miles. <G>

- Souvie

"A man's vanity tells him what is honour, a man's conscience what is is justice." - Walter Savage Landor

From: Virago Blue
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 26 Sep 2001 04:32:22 GMT

how exactly do you pronouce McIlhenney?

MAC - il - haynee

the "h" is almost silent, but then I talk funny.

Virago Blue
(loving it)
~Mistress of a Billion Things To Say~
My stories can be found at:
http://www.asstr.org/~ViragoBlue
and
http://www.storiesonline.net
Thanks Nat, Thanks Rey, Thanks Lazeez

From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2001 12:54:36 -0600

On 24 Sep 2001 14:13:49 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:

It isn't easy for me to find new things to say about this one. The two sections are both very nicely done, lots of detailed imagery, and a lovely sex scene. I especially liked the prayer part afterward, the natural wish that a lot of hopeful parents have.

I'd like to be more helpful on the negatives, but that is harder. I did find (already mentioned though) that the transition between the two chapters was abrupt. Not bad, maybe, just not letting us see much in between. Maybe, assuming that it fits the schedule for timing in the day, meeting her daughter might be nice early in the tale, as she seems rather central too.

Jeff

Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/

There is nothing more important than petting the cat.

From: Anne747
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 27 Sep 2001 02:42:47 GMT

Virago wrote:

MAC - il - haynee

the "h" is almost silent, but then I talk funny.

Merci.

I never could get past one of Taria's characters (Cleanthe from "Power and the Word"). I know the name was picked to define her, but I couldn't get past separating it into "Clean The". Okay, so it probably has more to do with the fact that I'm not the best cleaner in the world. ;-)

This wasn't that distracting, I just have this insatiable curiousity. Thanks.

Anne

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From: PleaseCain
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 28 Sep 2001 00:36:40 GMT

The sex scene is very good: hot, loving and playful, plus for me as a male it imparted a bit of insight as how the other side feels, and I cherish passages like that. Your descriptions, sexual or otherwise, are vivid and lively: her hair like medusa ribbons, his sun-kissed good looks, desire like a wave "wetting me in awkward places," and others.

I don't have many criticisms or suggestions, sorry. Some of the language and dialogue could be tightened or reads clumsy, like the formal-sounding sentence introducing the husband; or "the pond on the east side" [of the estate? as opposed to the pond on the west side? I don't know.]; or Trent being tall but not as tall as Griff [is Griff's height immediately relevant?]; "but now, and it was so obvious, this boy had turned ..." could lose the first two phrases, etc. This is all just editing, and I think I'm being overly picky in order to just say something helpful. I could reread this language tomorrow and think it all fine.

But in the meanwhile, I need a cool drink. Quick.

Cain

From: Mat Twassel
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 28 Sep 2001 13:49:32 GMT

The plot seems to be off to a very good start. The characters are interesting and well-drawn. The 'writing' seems a bit first-drafty - in need of tuning and trimming. A couple of quick examples from the first paragraph:

It was June and the temperature outside was a good ten degrees above the expected average for the month.

Okay, it's hot, but how hot? What's really wrong with the sentence is it makes us guess what the expected average is. Try something like: Though only June, the temperature outside must have been up in the eighties, at least ten degrees above the expected average.

The humidity wreaked havoc
with my auburn hair.

What has auburn got to do with anything? It's sort of silly - a gratuitous description. You do it the right way later on in the paragraph:

Grabbing a pencil, I shoved
it through the thick knot of hair I twisted to the top of my head. A few auburn snakes squirmed free of the makeshift up-do.

There are hundreds of instances of "not quite right" writing in these two chapters, but having seen some of your earlier stories, I'm sure you'll get them all in later versions. Best to first finish the story, I'd say.

- Mat

From: Poison Ivan
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Fri, 28 Sep 2001 17:51:40 -0400

I liked Tonya's job a lot. I actually learned something about gardening and greenhouses without being overwhelmed by technical jargon. I think I would continue to read this story just to read a little bit more about tea rose hybrids! An interesting job is the kind of character detail that fascinates me and compels me to read on.

I don't have any major complaints, but I have several minor ones. Since no one else has mentioned them yet, and it's closing in on the end of the week, I'll go ahead and mention them. Some of these I'm not sure about myself, but here it goes.

medusa-like

Shouldn't Medusa be capitalized?

It was June and the temperature outside was a good ten degrees above the expected average for the month.

The "ten degrees" and "average" makes it sound a little like a math problem. You also use "degree" again in the next sentence, so maybe just cut this sentence down "It was very hot for early June," or something along those lines.

"He's been enjoying the pond on the east side. I can see him from here if I stand on a chair ... "

If she can't see him now, how does she know she can see him if she stood on a chair? "If I stood on a chair, I could probably see him from here."

"That one should be re-grafted with a stronger one of its species. I'm afraid it'll never shake the fungus killing it."

The tacked-on "killing it," sounds awkward to my ears. I would just cut it. "I'm afraid it'll never shake that fungus."

"Nothing I haven't seen before, or something like that.

I don't understand the "or something like that." Also, earlier she mentions that it's a gopher or an armadillo, but she saw the dead animal, so wouldn't she know for sure what the animal was? At least you'd think she could tell the difference between a dead gopher and a dead armadillo.

blonde-tipped

should be blond-tipped

His size can quickly render me breathless as in devoid of sufficient room to exercise my respiratory functions.

I didn't like this sentence. It makes her sound like an anatomy teacher.

But mostly this is just chock full of good stuff. Tonya is solid, confident, fun, alive! You'd have to be dead to not want to see what happens to her. When she and Griff started going at it, I had a strong mental picture of her, which made the sex scene read especially vividly, even though the scene is actually quite short.

That's good writin' ma'am!

Poison Ivan

From: Virago Blue
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 29 Sep 2001 05:28:50 GMT

My overall feeling after reading all the comments is one of excited hope. First, all the positive messages have certainly lit a fire in me to write, write, write. I feel very well stroked. :) The comment made concerning Tonya and the correlation between her age and the beautiful flowering plant she is so proud and protective of was one of those symbolic treats I actually didn't even consider. It's perfect for the story. As far as any negative comments, I don't even consider any of the suggestions to be negative. All have been helpful. I can now see where I need to go to tighten the story.

Thank you all for allowing me to submit this small piece of work for your educated opinions. The Fish Tank is such an excellent way of reviewing a story for the author and reader's benefit. Not only do I feel content and ready to continue, I know I have learned something.

Virago Blue
(Concerned the above didn't make much sense as I'm under the influence of a strong antihistamine and feeling a little more loopy than usual. In any case, came away from this feeling really, really good, creative-wise.) ~Mistress of a Billion Things To Say~ My stories can be found at:
http://www.asstr.org/~ViragoBlue
and
http://www.storiesonline.net
Thanks Nat, Thanks Rey, Thanks Lazeez

From: Desdmona
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 29 Sep 2001 14:19:11 GMT

From: [email protected] (Virago Blue)

Thank you all for allowing me to submit this small piece of work for your educated opinions. The Fish Tank is such an excellent way of reviewing a story for the author and reader's benefit. Not only do I feel content and ready to continue, I know I have learned something.

I'm glad you feel this way, this is exactly what we had hoped when we initiated the Fish Tank.

Thanks to all that took the time to participate this week. And those that are thinking about participating, give it a whirl, it can't be worse than a poke. (in the eye, yeah, in the eye, that's what I meant) <smile>

Desdmona

From: dennyw
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Sat, 29 Sep 2001 12:36:20 -0700

On 29 Sep 2001 14:19:11 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) held forth, saying:

And those that are
thinking about participating, give it a whirl, it can't be worse than a poke. (in the eye, yeah, in the eye, that's what I meant) <smile>

Been reading McMurtry again? <g>

-denny-

"I fear that we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve ... " - Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Dec. 8th, 1941

From: Ray
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 13:01:02 -0400

Virago,

Since I was forced to allow RL to intrude on my enjoyment of interaction within ASSD and the Fish Tank for a few weeks ... I find myself trying to catch up and respond to those stories I was unable to review during my absence.

I chose yours, of those I have downloaded, to answer first because of something the first caught my fancy that I truly want to comment on. Actually in the hope that you have yet to finish your rewrite and to present my ideas to you for consideration.

Because of this, I may actually make more than the allowed for comments. (Please note that I have not read any of the other comments to this point, so I will probably be repeating what you have already heard - though I hope not).

When I began reading this, the first paragraph set my mind on a 'plantation' or larger property owned by a great southern 'Dame'. I was envisioning she and three or four similar women discussing their lives together (as they always do) over a fine magnolia tea. (Or possibly at an older point in life, discussing a memoir of her younger years with a young female Yankee college student, studying life in the 'deep south'). Again, this would be over a fine cup of Magnolia Tea - though no longer made a finely as in the old days - today's help simply doesn't know the proper ways to brew it, you understand.

Have I set a scene for you? Do you see it with me? Picture all of the 'fine southern ladies' you have seen in the movies, sitting around 'discussing' (definition: bragging) their lives together. All with the one up-manship (up-woman-ship) attitude of 'I married the finer man and my life is the best' that they always seemed to have.

Now, reread it with me, holding that picture in mind. (NOTE: I am simply going to jot down some reworded sentences and make a comment or two here and there. See what you think.)

First paragraph: Every breath I took felt MOIST, TOO MOIST AND TOO HOT, AND SO VERY DIFFICULT to inhale. The humidity wreaked havoc with my fine auburn hair.

It was June and the temperature outside was a good ten degrees above expected FOR THAT TIME OF YEAR.

I TOOK the mister FROM my potting bench and ...

Grabbing a pencil, I shoved it through the thick knot of FIERY hair I JUST TWISTED to the top of my head.

In it I nursed to life MY precious plants ... SELLING them to commercial nurseries.

Business was booming at MY Sun Gables Nursery and, although demanding MUCH OF MY TIME, I YET remained ...

(Here I have to comment a moment ... I had built a picture of this fine statuesque fire-haired, hot-blooded, over-heated Southern Belle in my head and you mentioned a young college-aged girl to 'help out' around the house ... Ah well .... Maybe that can be a second chapter.)

" ... looking for our dog, Bacchus. You WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE SEEN HIM ABOUT, would you?"

A thrill shot through me suddenly AND MY KNEES GOT A LITTLE WEAK at the thought of YOUNG Trent.

... who said I couldn't admire another FINE man from afar ...

I took a quick inventory of my appearance in the PEDASTLED gazing ball BESIDE the cutting garden.

... I dried my hands on my shorts THAN I heard the tel-tale creak ...

... he stood tall, THOUGH not as tall as MY Griffon.

(Here, another comment: If this is a southern belle, she will admit that her man goes by "Griff" to his friends, but I feel she will almost always 'think' and refer to him as 'Griffon' except in the most intimate of moments.)

... this boy had turned into a powerful man, WITH A LITHE NATURAL GRACE OF MOVEMENT.

... he did something WHICH surprised me ...

His fingers were ... of youth. YET they were also ...

... rogue wave plowing through dry sand, wetting me in awkward places. I WAS THANKFUL FOR THE HEAT FLUSH ALREADY TINTING MY SKIN. ...

He certainly had a way with dressing up a wilting spot in my garden with his masculinity and EASY charm.

I turned and gave him a little wink, HAPPILY noticing THAT for the briefest moment his eyes travelled to the gap in my blouse.

(Okay, I thought. A fine Southern Lady with the hots for this younger man down the lane and the proper flirtatious attitudes to lead things where she wants them. Older woman Younger man ... with Souvie as the author ... should be good. ... Ah well ... Yet another chapter?)

"Bacchus, THAT FEISTY DEVIL, actually did me a GREAT favor this morning." ... stretching to the east and the sounds of a SUDDENLY barking dog. (the barking HAS to be new, else Trent's first stop would have been to retrieve his dog, not the garden. Hmmm? Should he have been carrying a leash?)

" ... some camellias. I've not been able to catch the VILE thing with traps. One of the things was given to ME by a friend ... That's where Bacchus comes in. He caught the BEAST this morning."

It was my turn to shrug. "Nothing I haven't seen before, or something like IT. I was JUST grateful to be rid of it. ... He smiled, eyes shifting suddenly watching his feet.

Trent looked up and smiled, "All right Tonya." WITH THE FLASHING OF HIS SMILE AND THE HAPPY SPARKLE IN HIS EYES I AGAIN FELT THAT UNMISTAKABLE WETNESS RENEW ITSELF.

... "I'm hot and ready for you (Tiger, Honey, Dearest, Stud, My love, You handsome devil, you ugly fucker, Griff ... something? I don't know. simply feels like an endearment or something is needed here). My temperature is up. I'M ALL LUBED AND VERY ready."

... Well, almost everything. Lara, our eight year old daughter, took top honors in MY HEART. ...

... We lay like that for only a short time because Griff WAS NO 90 pound weakling. (Or possibly 'MY Griffon was no ...)

... his flaccid penis leaving a streak of our juices over ... (over? across? upon?)

Very next paragraph:

As I lay still for a moment, allowing the palpitations of my love excited heart to calm, yet basking in the floating warmth of my orgasm, I said MY little prayer. (I altered and added to the entire sentence).

... better of conceiving when both partners climax ... It would seem the cervix would swell slightly with orgasm, throbbing with ... (instead of 'throbbing' - dancing with the palpitations of my heart. or: dancing with the palpitations of my beating heart - ) and dipping into the life giving SEED as it splashed ...

Hmmm ... Griffon doesn't want to cuddle after. Is this simply the actions of a normal manly man? Or could it be that Griffon is suddenly guilty of his adulterous affair with the young college slut soiling your marriage bed with her foul sweat and juices while Tonya is busy elsewhere? Or -vile thought- could the Darling Trent be bi-sexual or gay and be cavorting with the manly Griffon. He certainly seemed to know his way about the property now, didn't he.

Do I sense more chapters? Is Griffon a over-sexed fiend fucking everything that moves (if it holds still long enough)? Is Tonya so obsessed with the thought of a second child that she cries her lamentations to the bi-sexual college slut who takes advantage of her moment of emotional weakness and seduces this sexy older woman that has been fillings her horny night dreams?

Or is Tonya, with her laughing, innocent, flirtatious ways really a Southern Wanton, a demoness incarnate, an over-sexed, hungry woman who secretly carries a small vibrator in her handbag for moments of weakness and great need.

Only Souvie, story-teller extra-ordinaire knows these secrets and much more. So continue on dear reader as this fine wordsmith relays the continuing adventures of these and other people who are silly enough to tell their secret fantasies, longings, desires, and true life sexual adventures to a natural gossip with a flair for the dramatic and a word processor. <Silly-G>

Kinda got carried away there, didn't I? In case you haven't guessed, I really did enjoy the story, and whether you like any of my thoughts of not, it is an equally fine story as written.

Just some thoughts.

Ray

From: Ray
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2001 14:34:39 -0400

Since I forgot to add the curlies 'again', here's the same text with curlies.

I fully realized that the story reviewed above was written by Virago and not Souvie, even as I wrote my words.

I do not understand what possessed me as I was writing my comments (I was interrupted as I worked but that is not adequate excuse.)

Both women are every bit the writers I described in my meager scribblings, but each is also distinct and neither deserves such confussion.

I am having myself dressed in the tightest Europeon Leather thong I can squeeze myself into, my body is being oiled and I am being strapped to an X-brace.

The paddles, flails, whips, branding irons, needles, pins, pincers and other assundry tools are being reverently laid out to await these fine ladies just retribution.

thy humble, miserable, cowering, miserable servant

Ray

From: Nick
Re: The Good Wife, by Virago Blue
Date: 26 Oct 2001 17:08:52 -0700

First, apologies for eschewing the fishtank for so long. Nothing personal, just the usual.

One thing that seems to be common to most of the repsonses to this story is that it is unfinished - no sex, yet. But it seems to me that there is something we're missing here. I don't know whether Souvie intended it or not, but the sexual content is i the stories context. It was posted to ASSD. We have a build up, characterisation, and finally a poor shepherd boy, bored out of his skull, who is faced with three goddesses, each of whom is about to persuade him that she is the most beautiful.

What more do you need!? OK, in any other forum, Souvie might be expected to say womething more, but, hey, this is ASSD! What the hell do you think is going to happen? Use your imagination!

It reminds me of the view held by many modern artists that the environment in which a work is exhibited is every bit as important as the work itself.

I have trouble with work which takes ancient mythology and applies contemporary repartee, but for me this wasn't intrusive. These stories generally refer to timeless themes - in this case envy and jealousy, and the attitude of the players must respect that. In this case they did.

Matt suggested that the story might be improved by taking the theme and putting it in an every day setting. This would work, but has been done before (nothing wrong with that - it;s still a good thought). There is a sense in which (apart from what I said above) Souvie isn't actually bringing anything new to the myth. I'd like to suggest something, but cant think of anything. Sorry.

There were things missing too. For example the reason for the placing of the apple, which was the exclusion of Eris from the wedding party, but the fact that has always stuck with me since I first heard this myth is that nobody thought to offer the apple to the bride! Such a sensible solution that there would have been no subsequent story of course.

Hope this is not too late

Nick

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