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From: Ray
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 17:31:05 -0400
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
This week in the FishTank we have two stories. This second submission is a complete story, written for the anniversary. It is 1,214 words in length. A traveling salesman tries to sell his vacuum cleaner.
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
3) Try not to repeat!
FishTank stories and their comments are being stored at: http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
(I realize I'm behind in getting last week's stories up to the website. I plead traveling as my excuse. I'll be updating as soon as possible. My apologies to those authors - Uther and cmsix.)
Questions? Concerns? Suggestions? Complaints? Submissions? Direct them to: [email protected] or [email protected]
*********************************************** The Fish Tank (MF, caution) By Couture (c) 2002 Couture
[email protected]
Please do not read if under 18 years of age or offended by sexually explicit stories and situations.
*********
I'm trying to remember ..... Creepshow ..... Tales from the Crypt?
Nice Application of the "theme" <g> This little 'trolling' excursion was well done and a hoot.
Beyond what Oosh mentioned, when you mentioned the Fish Tank you said, "He even walked past the fish tank that held no fish without a second glance ...." I think I would change it from "the fish tank" to "a fish tank". A very subtle difference, but I think it would read better, I stumbled there while reading it.
The only other thing I saw was again a niggling little thing ..... "He Knelt on the bed between her legs and pushed them up to her chest, so that her dainty feet were pointing in the air." I would get rid of the "up" and the "that" in the sentence, making it "He knelt on the bed between her legs and pushed them to her chest, so her dainty feet were pointing in the air." (or at least get rid of one of the two)
All in all, I like it, I like it ....
:^)
Ray
From: Altan
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 22:49:05 GMT
Hi Couture,
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
1. Great story. I loved reading it. The story flows, never stumbled, leads you to the climax. For instance:
"but it gradually grew into a sound that no male "could ignore- the gasping sound of a woman approaching "orgasm.
I don't know if it is true that no male can ignore this sound, but it sure is beautifully put!
2. The story is very believable, up to the very end. You know there will be a twist somewhere, something unexpected. The "caution" in the subject line tells you so. Then when it happens - it would be very scary if you saw it on TV, but in the story it is just delightfully unexpected.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
1. It is never mentioned that Mark puts down the vacuum cleaner. This made me wonder, "where did that thing go?" Maybe remark on it when he is entering the house?
2. The two sentences:
"There was something odd, but Mark couldn't quite place it, "as he listened. There was a very faint sound but it "gradually grew louder.
The repetition here is slightly awkward. Maybe "There was something odd, but Mark couldn't quite place it. He listened. A very faint sound, gradually growing louder."
A.
From: Souvie
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Tue, 20 Aug 2002 00:27:06 GMT
On Mon, 19 Aug 2002 12:20:17 -0400, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
*********************************************** The Fish Tank (MF, caution) By Couture (c) 2002 Couture
[email protected]
FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
Positive: The story just "powed!" me. Even though I saw the caution code, the bed folding up around them took me by surprise. :) Reminded me of a Venus Flytrap.
Positive: It could almost be a science fiction story. I looooooove scifi stories.
2) 2 suggestions for improvement
Improvement: You talk about the absence of the usual sounds in a house (fridge, airconditioner, etc.) but maybe you could mention the narrator not seeing them on his walk through the house. Maybe the house is almost pristinely clean, or either devoid of lots of the normal stuff in a house. Of course, putting that stuff in there, might be like hitting people over the head with the "strange" element.
Improvement: Some minor spelling/punctuation errors that even I sometimes make. :)
- Souvie
(and did I say that this is a story I'd recommend to friends? <g>)
From: Tesseract
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: 19 Aug 2002 19:41:58 -0700
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
*********************************************** The Fish Tank (MF, caution) By Couture (c) 2002 Couture
[email protected]
You have a nice little shop of horrors here. All that't missing is Rod Serling introducing it.
It takes two readings to see but the following is a nice foreshadow
This was a piece of ass, put here for his pleasure alone. A gift from God for him alone.
Was it intentional?
You have too many trunks.
"La la la la. La la la la. La la la la la la la la lah." Mark sang the only part of the song he could do a decent job on, while he pulled the Kirby model 9000 out of the trunk along with the trunk of accessories for the vacuum. The trunk also contained dirt, marbles, and even a bowling ball used to demonstrate the machine.
This was one of the reasons most of the Kirby salesmen were men, and young men at that. The vacuum weighed about forty pounds and the assorted odds and ends added up to another thirty pounds or so. Luckily the trunk and case had handles and wheels.
You could become British and change one to boot. Otherwise you need to distinguish between the car trunk and the vacuum trunk.
This makes him seem harsher, less feeling, than he needs to be. Maybe he deserves his fate.
"Take it. Take it bitch,"
As somebody else mentioned, make it a fishtank, not the fishtank. Otherwise the fishtank is adequate, but it doesn't deserve title billing. Either change the title or make the fishtank more foreboding of the ending. (Don't ask me how. You are the writer; I'm just a reader.)
There are a few typos that I'll leave as a exercise for the reader to find.
"Salesmen should be cautions when knocking on doors in the twilight zone."
Caution? What caution?
Tesseract
From: Bradley Stoke
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: 20 Aug 2002 13:14:44 -0700
couture
The only problem I have with the Fish Tank anniversary competition is that it is overshadowing the main business of what the Fish Tank is meant to be. It's become something like the rom and sapphic festivals organised by Katie and Kelly (respectively), but it's produced some excellent stories. And couture's contribution is really very good indeed.
This type of twist on a honey trap has been done before. My own story "The Fix" is in the same territory. But not as light and humorous as this. Here the honey is a delicious thing: who could resist it? Certainly not a salesman who sings along to Slim Shady himself. It'd be good to have a discussion on Eminem and sex fiction, although this is probably not the time or place. But I think he could really rock this show if he'd masqueraded as a sex story writer.
So, why does this "Fish Tank" work? Well, certainly not by the rehashing of themes. The fish tank in the story was only featured because it was strangely empty. And "Desmonda" is a strange twist on "Desdmona". ("Of the worlds"? "Some worlds"?) Well, the first good thing is this inside view of a little mind. Mark's a simple man, with simple desires and a lot of greed. It's an amusing and successful look inside his simple world.
I liked the way the honey trap was described. You don't have to have seen too many films or read too many books to see what was about to happen. But the bed shutting close on Mark as he revealed the true poverty of his simple worldview. ("Take it. Take it bitch," � no ironic distancing from Eminem then!) I wondered if he, and the encyclopaedia and sewing machine salesmen before him, really deserved this fate. But, in retrospect, yes. Of course they do. Door-to-door salesmen are scum. Only e-mail spammers deserve a lower circle of fire in eternal damnation.
How could it have been improved? I couldn't see anything really. The reservations I might have about the girl being so obviously a salesman's fantasy are exactly what she's supposed to be. And the salesman's unpleasant attitude towards women is entirely apposite for this witty tale of demonic comeuppance.
Well done.
Bradley Stoke
http://www.asstr.org/~Bradley_Stoke
From: cmsix
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Wed, 21 Aug 2002 03:01:11 GMT
Couture
I didn't expect to like this. The codes deceived me. I did like it a lot.
As a traveling salesman, he learned early on, it paid to take the less traveled path.
I loved this hint of "The Road Less Taken" and it surely did make all the difference in this case.
They had a
full set of Encyclopedia Britannica and a deluxe Singer sewing machine.
I could almost hear him saying "Goddamn, my lucky day." when he saw these. If he'd had time to check out the kitchen I'm sure he would have found a Veg-a-Matic.
He even
walked past the fish tank that held no fish without a
Others commented about the empty fish tank; but it doesn't really say it's empty. It says there are no fish in it. I wondered about it until I found that it didn't make any difference at the end.
Mark should have noticed the complete lack of sound that was so unnatural in a modern home; no air conditioner fan whirred, no refrigerator hummed, and no TV played.
It isn't a big thing, but this might have been better before he realized what the other sound was. I doubt any man would have noticed anything else after hearing
the gasping sound of a woman approaching orgasm.
I didn't really see him as a door-to-door salesman after he saw her. I saw him as most men, preying on a target of purity. I do feel that his reward was just.
I loved it.
cmsix
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 23:26:40 -0600
On Mon, 19 Aug 2002 12:20:17 -0400, "Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote:
I like Mark trying to sing along with Eminum - butchering that song is easy. An aside, trying to sing it is one way to discover that Marshall really does have a special talent, whether you like how he uses it or not. Despite having the CD and lyrics, I still find it impossible to actually make it all the way through it.
The siren song spell of sex was done very nicely. The guy hears the sound of sex, luring him into the house heedless of the odd surroundings. At that point, the feel of the story started to turn surreal. That was well done and subtle. The fish tank with no fish (presumably with water in it, seaweed - I think that "no fish" means everything else seemed in place but the fish) was of course part of the anniversary theme but it was still right on with the rest.
The girl-monster thing, the man-eating plant sort of trap, that is an interesting scary legend. I liked how it acted in this story, getting the victim not just to eat, but getting him off (and perhaps her as well, despite her constant apparent self-pleasing).
I can't think of much to improve, really. The ending might feel better with more of a documentary sort of tale, maybe a police report sort of thing, closing off the case of the missing Mark. Like, too bad, he was really going places to with the company. Doesn't make sense, does it, for him to run off like that?
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Mat Twassel
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: 23 Aug 2002 21:17:44 GMT
Neat story!
Mark should have noticed the complete lack of sound that was so unnatural in a modern home; no air conditioner fan whirred, no refrigerator hummed, and no TV played. He even walked past the fish tank that held no fish without a second glance, as he followed the direction of the only sound that carried through the house.
"Should have" is a little more intrusive/opinioinated than the narrator gets elsewhere in this story.
Suggestion: Without noticing the complete lack of sound that is so unnatural in a modern home ... Mark walked past the fish tank that held no fish.
I think "the" fish tank is just fine; it's the "even" that I'd rub out. I'd also omit the second glance or at minimum relocate it in the sentence.
"Followed the direction of" is a bit awkward even if it is neat that the sound is sort of directing him. I take it the voice is saying, "Come."
Mark's gaze followed her hands. First they moved down and thrust a digit in and out the puffy lips of her sex, then, moved up to her mouth to be sucked clean, before traveling back down to her pussy again. This time she spread the pink nether lips wide with her other hand, while she lightly spanked her cunt.
If the hand thrusts a finger in, can it thrust it out? Not really in or out the lips, is it? Rather between them.
Suggestion: First they moved down and thrust a digit between the puffy lips of her sex. In and out the finger moved, in and out, then up to her mouth to be sucked clean, then back down to her pussy again. This time ...
Neat story!
- Mat Twassel
Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com
From: Desdmona
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Sat, 24 Aug 2002 11:22:29 -0400
The Fish Tank (MF, caution)
By Couture (c) 2002 Couture
[email protected]
Couture~
First, let me compliment you on the use of fish tank in your story. It's a perfect detail that could have been used even if this story were not for the anniversary. I like that. Same thing goes for the name, Desdmona - even though you changed it to Desmonda. They add a bit of strangeness to a story that depends on it. Great job!
I add my voice to the comments about changing the title. You were following the anniversary guidelines, but you needn't. This is a really cool story that deserves its own title.
A couple of things:
He was so happy that he was attempting to sing along with Eminem, and not just the chorus either. He was doing a wonderful job of butchering the song, but he didn't care. It was a few days until his one-year anniversary as a Kirby salesman and he only needed one more sale to make a hundred and the large bonus it entailed. One more sale - he could do that in his sleep.
"I know that you got a job Ms. Shady, but your husblah- blah-bla-blah-bla-blah," Mark attempted to sing, finally giving up on the verse and resorted to making up his own song.
You've used, "attempted to sing" twice in these two paragraphs and neither time is it necessary. You've done such a nice job of showing his attempt, that there's no need to tell us he's attempting.
It was a perfectly anonymous fuck.
Maybe instead: It was a perfect anonymous fuck. The "ly" causes the flow to stumble.
and shot his seed shot into her greedy cunt.
One too many shots?
At first, I thought Mark's wonderings about birth control and disease was a little intrusive, but after a second read, I thought they were perfect ways to show his true character. Choosing traveling salesman was ingenious.
Great story! Fun and easy. I agree with those that have mentioned the caution code, it's not necessary and may spoil the surprise just a little.
Thanks so much Couture for contributing to the Anniversary. As Bradley stated, this anniversary has sent many fine stories are way and we can add this to that list.
Des
From: Couture
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: 26 Aug 2002 14:21:16 -0700
I would like to thank everyone that took the time to comment about The Fish Tank story. I was hesitant to submit anything, because I prefer my criticism in small batches, doled out over a very long time. And then there was the problem with not having anything to write. Then someone posted a discussion about a Kirby salesman and I was reading Phillip K. Dick at the time. All of a sudden, I had this idea about what happened to those salesmen that never came back to work.
Alton wondered where the vacuum cleaner went. It was left in the living room just like the sewing machine, encyclopedias, and assorted Jehova's Witness pamphlets.
CMSIX commented: Others commented about the empty fish tank; but it doesn't really say it's empty. It says there are no fish in it. I wondered about it until I found that it didn't make any difference at the end.
The fishtank with no fish and the lack of sounds in the house were because the house was alive. If he tried to turn on the tv it wouldnt' have played. The house/creature gave the semblence of being something it was not, so that it could lure it's prey.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone who read etc. And especially thanks to Desdmona for doing what she does so well.
-Couture
Note that all the comments archived here were culled from active discussions occuring in the Usenet newsgroup alt.sex.stories.d. If you want to contribute to the discussion, please join us in ASSD and say your piece. Everyone is welcome.
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If you have not done so, please read the Comment Guidelines. We ask that all comments include two positive remarks and two suggestions for improvement. Please, try not to repeat!
From: oosh
Re: The Fish Tank, by Couture
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 2002 18:41:54 +0000 (UTC)
"Desdmona" <[email protected]> wrote in
news:[email protected]:
I thought this was a really fine story. It greatly appealed to my sense of h-thing. I particularly enjoyed the description of the salesman trying to sing along with Eminem. I also liked the whole shape of it. It grabbed my attention and didn't let it go. The ending was perfect. The length to content ratio was excellent, and I thought the way the author created a sense of impending doom was about right.
I spotted two trifling typos - one was "in to" as two words, in the sentence containing the first thrust. The other was "heavy breathing a[t] first".
The impact of the fish tank and the street name on the story seemed marginal, although the detail that the tank was empty did add to the foreboding atmosphere. Some might carp about this, but it's not crucial. I'd recommend a change of title, and I don't see why the tale should have a "caution" on it.
O.