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From: Mat Twassel
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 04 Sep 2001 02:12:39 GMT
Desdmona writes:
I really like the phrase, "sexual push-ups," followed by the hint of a liaison in the gym. I think I would even like it better if there was a little more telling of the gym incident to spice up the story, hint at bygone days of impulsive sex, when you did it wherever you could - it would also make for a nice contrast to the scheduled sex. And then "sexual push-ups" would even stand out more. I also liked "slowly, brewed orgasm," it works well with the early morning theme. Good choice of words!
Rats. Those were going to be my comments. Definitely my favorite moments in the story.
Okay, I'll be back.
- Mat Twassel
From: Anne747
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 03 Sep 2001 14:14:15 GMT
Nice story - as a 'night' person, morning sex usually isn't something I'm into. I hate to admit it, but unless I'm still awake at 4:30, sex isn't on my mind ;-)
Anyway, you presented a very nice slice of 'everyday' life, along with a good bit of heat. I could picture it clearly, and it entices the reader to try it themself.
I did wonder at the end when the alarm rang at 6:00, when did they reset it? A minor thing, but it's funny how things pop up.
The only other thing was the dialogue from the wife/partner. The rest of the language was soft and sensual, two of the three lines she spoke were more crude. It may, or may not, be what you were going for (that's something only you know).
Great read, thanks for submitting it.
Anne
To reply by mail - remove the b in the address
Anne's Erotic Story Archive - http://annejet.pair.com/ Free Story FAQ - http://annejet.pair.com/fsfaq/
From: Frank McCoy
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Mon, 03 Sep 2001 17:04:35 GMT
[email protected] (Anne747) wrote:
Nice story - as a 'night' person, morning sex usually isn't something I'm into. I hate to admit it, but unless I'm still awake at 4:30, sex isn't on my mind ;-)
Anyway, you presented a very nice slice of 'everyday' life, along with a good bit of heat. I could picture it clearly, and it entices the reader to try it themself.
I did wonder at the end when the alarm rang at 6:00, when did they reset it? A minor thing, but it's funny how things pop up.
MY clock-radio has two alarms, individually-settable; so it didn't bother me.
The only other thing was the dialogue from the wife/partner. The rest of the language was soft and sensual, two of the three lines she spoke were more crude. It may, or may not, be what you were going for (that's something only you know).
Great read, thanks for submitting it.
Anne
To reply by mail - remove the b in the address
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From: Nick
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 3 Sep 2001 15:29:37 -0700
[email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
This is our second feature for the week. Same guidelines:
2 positive comments
2 things to improve
Try not to repeat
The submissions and comments are being stored at:
www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/fishtank/base
****************************************************************
This was a lyrical piece, which doesn't jar with its use of explicit language. It was easy to visualise the two lovers enjoying each others pleasure. Simple, uncomplicated and inoffensive.
In a story like this, I'm looking for a distinctive feature. The one that appealed to me most was the image of the two doing this in the gym. This adds character to the story.
I think the point of the story needed clarifying. In particular I was confused by him watching the clock. Was he getting bored, or was he trying for some kind of record. If I'd been the Mrs I think I'd have been insulted, but she wasn't which left me looking for a reason.
After over an hours sex starting at 4.30 a.m. there is no way I'd manage to wake up for 6:00! This is not a nice time of day for me anyway, and I think if I'd been woken at 4:30 for an appointment with sex, she'd have to be a real; cracker to stop me rolling over and going back to sleep. But perhaps I'm getting old! Nevertheless, you might have made something of the time of day - the rosy fingers of dawn, for example, or the fact that nobody else was awake and therefore you could claim the time/world as your own (or something along those lines.
Nick
From: Always Horny
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Tue, 04 Sep 2001 08:40:50 +0200
Desdmona22 wrote:
This is our second feature for the week. Same guidelines:
2 positive comments
2 things to improve
One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast (MF rom cons oral). By Jeff Zephyr
+
Nice job of making the scene real, and of giving it a special feel even though
it is "everyday life". Good job, really.
There are way too many commas for my taste in the text. It does not go well with the rythm of a slow & loving fuck. Half as many would feel right.
And I'll stop at only a half job: only one and one.
AH
A_H_01 at hotmail. com
From: Mat Twassel
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 04 Sep 2001 22:02:59 GMT
I like the premise and I like the overall tone, but the story never really catches fire for me; there's not that edge or conflict or tension. And even the premise bothers me a little bit - why couldn't they just fuck each other insensible the night before? Or maybe they do. If I were your muse, here's what I'd tell you: Start the story the night before.
We'd been married almost six months, and every night we fucked each other silly, but it wasn't enough. Every morning we'd wake up wanting each other more than ever.
Now's the time to explain what happens during that rushed morning shower sex. Not just explain but show. It'll make a nice contrast for the other sex scenes.
After the morning is done and the couple has set off for work not quite clean and not quite satisfied, drop back to the night - the couple in each other's arms, talking about the frustrations of morning sex. "Maybe if I set the alarm 90 minutes early? You think that might work?" Sleepily she agrees.
Now we get to where your story starts. The alarm goes off. They enjoy each other. By the way, I agree with some other comments that we need to know these people a little more thoroughly, a little more intimately. A few special details would help. The woman has a nice voice, as someone said, but she needs to use it a little more often. Details, heat, contrast to the shower scene ...
And satisfied they're about to drift off into sleep again. "Maybe I'd better reset the alarm?" the guy says. "What for?" the woman answers. "It's Saturday." Naturally the guy is embarrassed, apologetic, contrite. "It's okay, honey," the woman comforts him. "I'm really looking forward to a four fuck day." Or something like that.
- Mat Twassel
From: PleaseCain
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 04 Sep 2001 20:47:40 GMT
I like the subject matter, it's a very romantic piece - and if Desdmona relates, it's all good! Also, the recurring usage of "The beeping of the alarm clock stirred me out of a much-needed sleep" is clever, a good storytelling device.
I would suggest reviewing some of the word usage and punctuation, in phrases like "tongues swapping" and "Her motions slowed, but mine increased, shining, skyrocket explosions of pleasure ..." (delete that last comma? or not? can't tell the intent). Likewise, there were a few confusing phrases like "I think you need to clean up the 'table'" and "My hardness had my attention the whole time ..." that can be rewritten for clarity, so as not to distract the reader.
It's a sweet vignette, thanks for sharing it with us.
Cain
From: Shon Richards
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Wed, 05 Sep 2001 11:59:16 GMT
"Desdmona22" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
This is our second feature for the week. Same guidelines:
2 positive comments
2 things to improve
Try not to repeat
The submissions and comments are being stored at:
www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/fishtank/base
****************************************************************
One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast (MF rom cons oral). By Jeff Zephyr
Been there, done that :) We've set alarms and we've dragged our sorry asses into conciousness and had sex. That's my favorite part of the story, a little slice of real life. Sexual push-ups are a keeper too.
The problem is, with a story this short, it's hard to find two positives and two improvements without repeating. So I'll repeat and take the deduction on my Fishtank grade. Her languauge was crude, but only because his was so flowing. It's like an art teacher and a bimbo in that bed :) If he was just as crude, then it wouldn't be as jarring.
It's a nice story Jeff.
Head Warlock of the Coven of Bliss
Shon Richards
Adventure Stories of Mine and Others can be found at
http://www.asstr.org/~shonRichards/
Romance Stories of mine are hosted by Gary at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/
E-mail me to find out about the ASSD/Coven of Bliss Mentor Program
From: Poison Ivan
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Thu, 6 Sep 2001 15:00:53 -0400
There was a lot to enjoy about this story, but mostly the sense of joy that this couple feels for one another. It comes across in a lot of little ways, especially from the narrator's point of view. The little terms of endearment: "darling" and "lover." The optimism and happiness implied by "this fine morning" and in the title "One Fine Day." The whole story is thick with it.
I noticed the use of "did" in a couple places. I have a bad habit of over-using "did" myself, so I'm probably over-sensitive to its use, but I think it's a dead word in most cases. You can almost always remove it without hurting the story. I also didn't like this sentence much:
My hardness had my attention the whole time, waiting for her to ask me to finish the job.
It took me out of the atmosphere, because the narrator basically admits he was not concentrating on pleasing his lover as much as he was attending to his own erection. It's a moment of selfishness in an otherwise very giving act of making love.
Mat mentioned the possibility of starting this story on the night before. Another reason I think that might be a good idea is you could prepare for the graphic language the characters use. I liked the graphic language. It made these characters seem uninhibited, eager to let themselves be overcome by the sex. But the language jars as it's written. If there had been some preparation, a musing by the two of them about not having the time to let themselves get horny and loud. Actually, now that I think of it, he sort of slides past that topic when he talks about quickies in the shower. Perhaps you could mention more details there about what they don't do when they're in a hurry?
Really, what it boils down to, I suppose, the story was too short. I salivated to know more about these people. This is a sex story, but it ended with me wondering what jobs these people had! I don't think I've ever been curious enough about an ASS character that I wanted to know more about his non-sexual life. But you did it here.
Nice job, Jeff.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Fri, 07 Sep 2001 22:51:40 -0600
On Fri, 7 Sep 2001 22:30:21 -0400, "Poison Ivan" <[email protected]> wrote:
Besides the Fish Tank already mentioned, you could be interested in Malinov's EWW (e-something writers workshop) which caused some great posts. Posts about writing stories, techniques, re-writing snippets, etc. That was excellent.
So what about this Fish Tank? What are the rules?
1. Desdmona posts a couple drafts of stories (or parts of stories) on Monday, no more than 5000 words each. 2. Everyone comments on the story: Two things done well and two suggestions for improvement. 3. Try not to repeat. It's a lot easier to comment early in the week, before all the obvious comments have been taken. 4. Author keeps his or her mouth shut while everyone else has a rousing good time. 5. Friday night, after everyone has had plenty opportunity to say their piece, the author is allowed to join in the fun. 6. 7. Start over at Rule #1.
We already let Mat put two spaces after some of his periods, so we had to get rid of rule 6, which used to require a single space after all periods.
Everyone is welcome. The only mistake you can make is not to join in the fun!
Poison Ivan
^ looking forward to Nick and Jeff jumping in this week
It is a very cool format. I'm too tired to really jump in, but I want to say that I enjoyed all the comments, even the helpful criticism.
One key thing for my story was that it was, by design, short. I have a tendency to turn short vignettes into long stories, by putting in all the extra details I think of. For this story (and others in its series), I deliberately wanted to imply a lot of background, but not show it in each tale. It isn't easy to decide just which things are needed to fill in a story.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 07:39:15 -0600
On 03 Sep 2001 12:09:45 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:
Subject: {ASSD} Fish Tank # 9 Early Morning Breakfast
One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast (MF rom cons oral). By Jeff Zephyr
Here are my long-delayed responses :-)
I think just about anyone in today's world can appreciate the idea of having to set the alarm clock to have sex. We're so busy during the day and so exhausted when we fall in bed that we have to schedule our sex. And then during the scheduled sex, someone has to check the clock to see if you're still on schedule. UGH! But this little romp shows us that setting the alarm early can be rewarded. I like rewards! <smile>
If I have the chance, I prefer to set the alarm early enough to easily have time to play, without worrying about the clock. But exhaustion can make that hard to do.
I really like the phrase, "sexual push-ups," followed by the hint of a liaison in the gym. I think I would even like it better if there was a little more telling of the gym incident to spice up the story, hint at bygone days of impulsive sex, when you did it wherever you could - it would also make for a nice contrast to the scheduled sex. And then "sexual push-ups" would even stand out more. I also liked "slowly, brewed orgasm," it works well with the early morning theme. Good choice of words! Speaking of choice of words - I might change the phrase, " ...like a kid who just had candy," to something relative to breakfast as well, such as, "like a kid who was about to get her favorite doughnut." Or something along those lines. Anyway, you get the idea.
I don't want to put too much backstory stuff in, just light references, because it is a short piece by design. The hint should be enough. The candy thing turning into breakfast is a good idea; a sweet frosted doughnut might be better, thanks.
And I'm not quite sure what this means, "Now, I dove into her pussy with fingers and tongue, making sure that the pump inside was well primed." Do you mean when the pump is inside, or are you trying to get her well lubricated? Either way, I think "pump" is the wrong word to use because it's so associated with the male organ.
Well lubricated, but I think there has to be some other phrase which fits the scene better.
It's a nice slice of American life these days!
Thank you Jeff for allowing us to critique it.
No problem. I want to try to do more of these short pieces, and it isn't easy without some feedback. I know I can turn out longer stories (sometimes too wordy maybe?), but keeping it short isn't easy.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 07:43:36 -0600
On 03 Sep 2001 14:14:15 GMT, [email protected] (Anne747) wrote:
Nice story - as a 'night' person, morning sex usually isn't something I'm into. I hate to admit it, but unless I'm still awake at 4:30, sex isn't on my mind ;-)
I'm a night person, but sex is something that is always on my mind :-) It is cyclic, and I don't know if I am typical for males, but most mornings I wake up horny. If I'm not quite ready, I can always wake her up :-)
A mix of nice dreams, and natural physiology (having a hard on makes you tempted to use it), the sleepy to waking feel if I have time to spend before rushing elsewhere, makes for a fine time for sex.
Anyway, you presented a very nice slice of 'everyday' life, along with a good bit of heat. I could picture it clearly, and it entices the reader to try it themself.
I did wonder at the end when the alarm rang at 6:00, when did they reset it? A minor thing, but it's funny how things pop up.
Dual alarm. I don't know if I should mention it or not. A lot of people have it, or two alarm clocks, because if you have two people with different waking times in bed, you need two alarms.
The only other thing was the dialogue from the wife/partner. The rest of the language was soft and sensual, two of the three lines she spoke were more crude. It may, or may not, be what you were going for (that's something only you know).
It was in part, but she should show her soft side too, once things finish up. One line might be enough to give the right impression, that this wasn' t just about getting off for her.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 07:54:46 -0600
On 3 Sep 2001 15:29:37 -0700, [email protected] (Nick) wrote:
[email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ... This is our second feature for the week. Same guidelines:
This was a lyrical piece, which doesn't jar with its use of explicit language. It was easy to visualise the two lovers enjoying each others pleasure. Simple, uncomplicated and inoffensive.
In a story like this, I'm looking for a distinctive feature. The one that appealed to me most was the image of the two doing this in the gym. This adds character to the story.
Thanks! One nice thing about longer relationships is that little exciting incidents can help keep things exciting even in ordinary times, if you don't forget.
I think the point of the story needed clarifying. In particular I was confused by him watching the clock. Was he getting bored, or was he trying for some kind of record. If I'd been the Mrs I think I'd have been insulted, but she wasn't which left me looking for a reason.
Hmm, in this situation, they would have liked to do it longer, without worrying about the time. He also didn't want to rush things, which would be the other way to make sure they both finished.
Worrying about the time, when there is a deadline, seems natural. I might do more to point out that he glanced at the clock, and didn't let those peeks distract him from his actions.
After over an hours sex starting at 4.30 a.m. there is no way I'd manage to wake up for 6:00! This is not a nice time of day for me anyway, and I think if I'd been woken at 4:30 for an appointment with sex, she'd have to be a real; cracker to stop me rolling over and going back to sleep. But perhaps I'm getting old! Nevertheless, you might have made something of the time of day - the rosy fingers of dawn, for example, or the fact that nobody else was awake and therefore you could claim the time/world as your own (or something along those lines.
Some people are up for it in the morning, I guess. I find it to be a nice thing to start the morning with, good for waking up, like a light workout (but more pleasant than simple exercises).
I could mention the lack of kids awake yet, because that is a factor in getting up early. Even if you have time, the kids can definitely deter spending it in bed :-(
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 07:55:49 -0600
On Tue, 04 Sep 2001 08:40:50 +0200, [email protected] (Always Horny) wrote:
Desdmona22 wrote:
This is our second feature for the week. Same guidelines:
2 positive comments
2 things to improve
One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast (MF rom cons oral). By Jeff Zephyr
+
Nice job of making the scene real, and of giving it a special feel even though it is "everyday life". Good job, really.
THanks. I think that everyday life is a lot of fun, but it isn't so easy to tell the story that way.
There are way too many commas for my taste in the text. It does not go well with the rythm of a slow & loving fuck. Half as many would feel right.
I use too many commas, period :-) Something that editing can fix, if I keep reminding myself of where they are supposed to go.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 07:57:53 -0600
On 04 Sep 2001 20:47:40 GMT, [email protected] (PleaseCain) wrote:
I like the subject matter, it's a very romantic piece - and if Desdmona relates, it's all good! Also, the recurring usage of "The beeping of the alarm clock stirred me out of a much-needed sleep" is clever, a good storytelling device.
Thanks, that alarm clock thing was deliberate.
I would suggest reviewing some of the word usage and punctuation, in phrases like "tongues swapping" and "Her motions slowed, but mine increased, shining, skyrocket explosions of pleasure ..." (delete that last comma? or not? can't tell the intent). Likewise, there were a few confusing phrases like "I think you need to clean up the 'table'" and "My hardness had my attention the whole time ..." that can be rewritten for clarity, so as not to distract the reader.
Those can all be neatened up, I think, no problem.
It's a sweet vignette, thanks for sharing it with us.
I hope to do more little ones like that. I like the idea of such stories, but find that my typical musings turn into longer pieces. I have to work at it to keep the story short.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 08:08:14 -0600
On 04 Sep 2001 22:02:59 GMT, [email protected] (mat twassel) wrote:
I like the premise and I like the overall tone, but the story never really catches fire for me; there's not that edge or conflict or tension. And even the premise bothers me a little bit - why couldn't they just fuck each other insensible the night before? Or maybe they do. If I were your muse, here's what I'd tell you: Start the story the night before.
We'd been married almost six months, and every night we fucked each other silly, but it wasn't enough. Every morning we'd wake up wanting each other more than ever.
OK, except I'd rather imply that, than push it into the story. A short vignette can't have too much put into it, or it gets too long.
So it isn't relevant whether they had sex the night before. Whether or not they did, they wanted it in the morning. They were tired, so maybe they didn't do it last night. Or else, it was short and quick, and they wanted more time to play.
When they wake up, though, just being together and doing it is enough. Later, they might think of something else (and a few thoughts do pop in here and there).
As for conflict, the time limit does put some tension on. But there isn't much else to worry about in the situation; it is supposed to be happy and loving.
Now's the time to explain what happens during that rushed morning shower sex. Not just explain but show. It'll make a nice contrast for the other sex scenes.
That would be another story. Except that in this case, I didn't want to show what happened, as it didn't turn into sex, just showering together. Nice, but if I show it, the story gets longer, and it already hit its climax.
After the morning is done and the couple has set off for work not quite clean and not quite satisfied, drop back to the night - the couple in each other's arms, talking about the frustrations of morning sex. "Maybe if I set the alarm 90 minutes early? You think that might work?" Sleepily she agrees.
If it was the first time they did this thing, that could work. But if it was an ordinary sort of day, maybe not an everyday thing but something they do often, there isn't a need to mention it. Is there?
Now we get to where your story starts. The alarm goes off. They enjoy each other. By the way, I agree with some other comments that we need to know these people a little more thoroughly, a little more intimately. A few special details would help. The woman has a nice voice, as someone said, but she needs to use it a little more often. Details, heat, contrast to the shower scene ...
She could talk just a little more, even though she was trying to just enjoy the sensations, turn-taking style for pleasing.
And satisfied they're about to drift off into sleep again. "Maybe I'd better reset the alarm?" the guy says. "What for?" the woman answers. "It's Saturday." Naturally the guy is embarrassed, apologetic, contrite. "It's okay, honey," the woman comforts him. "I'm really looking forward to a four fuck day." Or something like that.
Ok, that could work if it fit the situation. It is one of the possibilities, and it makes sense - I've left the alarm set on days I don't have to get up early.
In this case, though, they really do have to get up. An ordinary workday morning, with some extra fun at the start. I don't want to imply anything else.
Though I didn't mention it in the story, this is really all part of a tiny series about a day when the couple manages to steal time for sex a lot. The alarm clock planning was less spontaneous than simply awakening early, sure, but it still was taking time normally allotted to sleep and using it for pleasure.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 08:12:04 -0600
On Wed, 05 Sep 2001 11:59:16 GMT, "Shon Richards" <[email protected]> wrote:
"Desdmona22" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ... This is our second feature for the week. Same guidelines:
Been there, done that :) We've set alarms and we've dragged our sorry asses into conciousness and had sex. That's my favorite part of the story, a little slice of real life. Sexual push-ups are a keeper too.
The problem is, with a story this short, it's hard to find two positives and two improvements without repeating. So I'll repeat and take the deduction on my Fishtank grade. Her languauge was crude, but only because his was so flowing. It's like an art teacher and a bimbo in that bed :) If he was just as crude, then it wouldn't be as jarring.
It's a nice story Jeff.
Thanks. I agree about her language, she really would have said something sensual, or he would have made a cruder comment, somewhere during the situation. Being crude is OK with your lover, if it is passionate and loving. But I expect that given a very nice scene, they'd find time for some more sweet talk.
Keeping the story short does make it hard to stick a lot of dialog in, but I think that it can't hurt it to have a bit more sweetness.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 08:53:39 -0600
On Thu, 6 Sep 2001 15:00:53 -0400, "Poison Ivan" <[email protected]> wrote:
There was a lot to enjoy about this story, but mostly the sense of joy that this couple feels for one another. It comes across in a lot of little ways, especially from the narrator's point of view. The little terms of endearment: "darling" and "lover." The optimism and happiness implied by "this fine morning" and in the title "One Fine Day." The whole story is thick with it.
Thanks!
I noticed the use of "did" in a couple places. I have a bad habit of over-using "did" myself, so I'm probably over-sensitive to its use, but I think it's a dead word in most cases. You can almost always remove it without hurting the story.
I don't understand this part. It seems to me that using it had to be for grammatical reasons. Two uses don't seem like overkill to me ;-)
I also didn't like this sentence much:
My hardness had my attention the whole time, waiting for her to ask me to finish the job.
It took me out of the atmosphere, because the narrator basically admits he was not concentrating on pleasing his lover as much as he was attending to his own erection. It's a moment of selfishness in an otherwise very giving act of making love.
Attention meaning awareness - his body's desire does distract him, but he pushes it aside. There is probably some better way to spell out that meaning, though. I'll think about it, because taking an hour to please your partner while not helping yourself shouldn't come off as selfish at all.
Mat mentioned the possibility of starting this story on the night before. Another reason I think that might be a good idea is you could prepare for the graphic language the characters use. I liked the graphic language. It made these characters seem uninhibited, eager to let themselves be overcome by the sex. But the language jars as it's written. If there had been some preparation, a musing by the two of them about not having the time to let themselves get horny and loud. Actually, now that I think of it, he sort of slides past that topic when he talks about quickies in the shower. Perhaps you could mention more details there about what they don't do when they're in a hurry?
Maybe a bit more ending conversation, once the passionate moments are past, and they have time to talk about it? Sleepy snuggling after seems like a good plan when tired (and even when not tired ;-), but once awake again, romantic conversation seems natural. At least, until RL business intrudes again.
Really, what it boils down to, I suppose, the story was too short. I salivated to know more about these people. This is a sex story, but it ended with me wondering what jobs these people had! I don't think I've ever been curious enough about an ASS character that I wanted to know more about his non-sexual life. But you did it here.
Nice job, Jeff.
Thanks. Doing a very short story seems like fun, and in this case, I really want to do a series of them. Each one reveals a little bit, unlike a longer story where actually giving more info seems necessary.
If I spell out everything, I get a short novella (or even a novel). Concentrating just on the sex scenes keeps the tales shorter, but of course I can't miss out giving some hints about what else happens. I just don't want to have this kind of tale turn into a deeper story.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
From: TestUnit
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 6 Oct 2001 20:46:23 +0100
Jeff Zephyr wrote:
On 03 Sep 2001 12:09:45 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:
Subject: {ASSD} Fish Tank # 9 Early Morning Breakfast
One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast (MF rom cons oral). By Jeff Zephyr
Here are my long-delayed responses :-)
I think just about anyone in today's world can appreciate the idea of having to set the alarm clock to have sex. We're so busy during the day and so exhausted when we fall in bed that we have to schedule our sex. And then during the scheduled sex, someone has to check the clock to see if you're still on schedule. UGH! But this little romp shows us that setting the alarm early can be rewarded. I like rewards! <smile>
If I have the chance, I prefer to set the alarm early enough to easily have time to play, without worrying about the clock. But exhaustion can make that hard to do.
I really like the phrase, "sexual push-ups," followed by the hint of a liaison in the gym. I think I would even like it better if there was a little more telling of the gym incident to spice up the story, hint at bygone days of impulsive sex, when you did it wherever you could - it would also make for a nice contrast to the scheduled sex. And then "sexual push-ups" would even stand out more. I also liked "slowly, brewed orgasm," it works well with the early morning theme. Good choice of words! Speaking of choice of words - I might change the phrase, " ...like a kid who just had candy," to something relative to breakfast as well, such as, "like a kid who was about to get her favorite doughnut." Or something along those lines. Anyway, you get the idea.
I don't want to put too much backstory stuff in, just light references, because it is a short piece by design. The hint should be enough. The candy thing turning into breakfast is a good idea; a sweet frosted doughnut might be better, thanks.
And I'm not quite sure what this means, "Now, I dove into her pussy with fingers and tongue, making sure that the pump inside was well primed." Do you mean when the pump is inside, or are you trying to get her well lubricated? Either way, I think "pump" is the wrong word to use because it's so associated with the male organ.
Well lubricated, but I think there has to be some other phrase which fits the scene better.
It's a nice slice of American life these days!
Thank you Jeff for allowing us to critique it.
No problem. I want to try to do more of these short pieces, and it isn't easy without some feedback. I know I can turn out longer stories (sometimes too wordy maybe?), but keeping it short isn't easy. - Jeff
One phrase there can be read two ways.
'Get her well lubricated' or 'get her well lubricated'. The 'well' being used alternately as adverb and noun.
By the way, if you lead such busy lives, do you also set the alarm clock to /stop/ having sex?
Just curious.
Uncle Eric.
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From: dennyw
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sat, 06 Oct 2001 20:41:03 -0700
On 6 Oct 2001 20:46:23 +0100, TestUnit <[email protected]> held forth, saying:
One phrase there can be read two ways.
'Get her well lubricated' or 'get her well lubricated'. The 'well' being used alternately as adverb and noun.
hyphenation helps.
-denny-
"I fear that we have awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve ... " - Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, Dec. 8th, 1941
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: Sun, 07 Oct 2001 10:22:18 -0500
On 6 Oct 2001 20:46:23 +0100, TestUnit <[email protected]> wrote:
Jeff Zephyr wrote:
On 03 Sep 2001 12:09:45 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:
Subject: {ASSD} Fish Tank # 9 Early Morning Breakfast
One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast (MF rom cons oral). By Jeff Zephyr
Here are my long-delayed responses :-)
Jeff
One phrase there can be read two ways.
'Get her well lubricated' or 'get her well lubricated'. The 'well' being used alternately as adverb and noun.
Yes, but I think that something less confusing might work better.
By the way, if you lead such busy lives, do you also set the alarm clock to /stop/ having sex?
Just curious.
That is what the 2nd alarm is for in the story. If two hours wasn't enough to finish - which can happen when you get going strong - the wake-up alarm would turn into the "finish up now" alarm.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
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From: Desdmona
Re: One Fine Day - Early Morning Breakfast, by Jeff Zephyr
Date: 03 Sep 2001 12:09:45 GMT
I think just about anyone in today's world can appreciate the idea of having to set the alarm clock to have sex. We're so busy during the day and so exhausted when we fall in bed that we have to schedule our sex. And then during the scheduled sex, someone has to check the clock to see if you're still on schedule. UGH! But this little romp shows us that setting the alarm early can be rewarded. I like rewards! <smile>
I really like the phrase, "sexual push-ups," followed by the hint of a liaison in the gym. I think I would even like it better if there was a little more telling of the gym incident to spice up the story, hint at bygone days of impulsive sex, when you did it wherever you could - it would also make for a nice contrast to the scheduled sex. And then "sexual push-ups" would even stand out more. I also liked "slowly, brewed orgasm," it works well with the early morning theme. Good choice of words! Speaking of choice of words - I might change the phrase, " ...like a kid who just had candy," to something relative to breakfast as well, such as, "like a kid who was about to get her favorite doughnut." Or something along those lines. Anyway, you get the idea.
And I'm not quite sure what this means, "Now, I dove into her pussy with fingers and tongue, making sure that the pump inside was well primed." Do you mean when the pump is inside, or are you trying to get her well lubricated? Either way, I think "pump" is the wrong word to use because it's so associated with the male organ.
It's a nice slice of American life these days!
Thank you Jeff for allowing us to critique it.
Desdmona