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From: Shon Richards
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: Wed, 06 Feb 2002 01:13:06 GMT
"Desdmona22" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
This is a repost of this week's submission due to some AOL screw-up. (Sorry, to those of you on other server's - Bear, hmm, maybe I should say, Bare with me. If we're all sitting around nekkid while I'm testing the function in AOL's dysfunction, it could be a lot more fun!
This is one story of a series Ray is writing. It's 2,802 words. And should stand as a complete story. FishTank guidelines:
1) 2 positve comments
2) 2 things to improve
3) Try not to repeat.
Damn, Spin beat me to the Period point.
I liked how the pantomine went smoothly. Its hard to write non-verbal communication. Or at least I can't do it lol.
I have to say I really liked the rough play. There's not enough consenual rough play in stories today.
I know I shouldn't repeat, but it can't be repeated enough. The sentences are too long. Or maybe it just needs proofing. Like this sentence-
Opening her eyes I saw her look towards the trail she must also have climbed down and then scan the cliffs surrounding the small bay before releasing the ties of her robe and tossing it to the beach behind her.
Period after trail?
My only other complaint was this part,
As I watched I noted something which seemed slightly odd to me,
one breast was clearly in view and as she sucked the blood from her fingers, the nipple was clearly beginning to distend. With each taste, they got longer and firmer and looking at her vagina I thought I saw a slight parting beginning just below her bush, the slit itself seeming more moist to my eyes than it had been.
Wow. He must have Superman eyes. I felt like he must have been sitting three feet away from her to see such small details. It really screwed with my sense of where people were in relation to each other.
All in all I have to say it was pretty good.
Head Warlock of the Coven of Bliss
Shon Richards
Adventure Stories of Mine and Others can be found at
http://www.asstr.org/~ShonRichards/
Romance Stories of mine are hosted by Gary at http://www.asstr.org/~gary/
"The only thing more mysterious than a woman is what we expect from her."
From: Souvie
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: Wed, 06 Feb 2002 01:37:22 GMT
Well, my original response to this never showed up on my news server, so I'm reposting. I'm sorry if it shows up twice for some people. - Souvie
On 04 Feb 2002 21:23:50 GMT, in alt.sex.stories.d you wrote:
The following is # 26 in The Fish Tank. Ray is in the midst of writing a series of stories grouped around "A Pregnancy Palace." This episode is 2, 802 words and should stand alone as a story. Same bat channel! Same bat time! (sorry couldn't resist) The FishTank guidelines apply:
1) 2 positive comments
2) 2 things to improve
3) Try not to repeat
Submissions and comments are being stored at:
http://www.asstr.org/~Desdmona/FishTank/base
You can contact me at [email protected] if you have any questions, concerns, suggestions &/or just need to chat.
Hi Ray <waves>. I'll do the "things to improve" part first.
******************************************************
Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode Ray1031 (F-Mast, M-Voy, Cons)
I was laying on the narrow strip of sand at the base of the cliff. We referred to it as our beach, though it really wasn't, becoming accessible only when the tide was out, it was usable only for a few hours twice a day, and not at all if the sea was too choppy or the weather was stormy. I had made it my habit though, on those days I could, to take a blanket to the 'beach', those days that I could, two or three times a week for the privacy. I would either lay out and work on my tan, or read a book and simply relax.
This first paragraph overall seems longwinded. It gives a lot of information but the sentences are loooooooong. Maybe if they were broken up a bit .... And near the end, "on those days I could" and "those days that I could" strikes me as redundant.
From the corner of one eye I continued to monitor and admire her form as she moved, high slightly pouty breasts with reddish brown areole standing proud from her chest, narrow almost waspish waist and tear drop ass. Her equally blonde thatch of kinky hair was glistening here and there as the sun caught individual strands just right. Her long slender legs simply seemed to reach to forever and back as she moved. She had to be every inch as tall as my 180cm, another novelty in a country where most men average 165cm and the women are mostly 154 to 158cm. There were those times I felt almost a freak walking the streets among them and this was another reason I sometimes preferred my private time on this small beach.
Good description as we get his initial impressions of her.
The ending left me wanting more - who is the blonde, why was she on the beach and will we see her again? Any story that leaves me with questions, and wanting more so that I can find out the answers, was worth the time I spent reading it. :-)
- Souvie
From: PleaseCain
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: 07 Feb 2002 01:09:43 GMT
You certainly have a good imagination: like your subway story, the action in this one is a hardly conventional. I also like the image of her "blonde thatch of kinky hair ... glistening here and there as the sun caught individual strands," tranquil and sexy, like spying on a sunning mermaid.
On the other hand, the picture of "looking at her vagina I thought I saw a slight parting beginning just below her bush, the slit itself seeming more moist to my eyes than it had been" kind of threw me, for a couple of reasons. First, over whether it is anatomically correct that he would notice these subtle changes at a distance (Anybody? Dr. Des?); and second, the very anatomical and clinical description itself, which perhaps is an apt "guy" kind of observation for a male narrator to make, but somehow strikes me as too scientific, like the guy at the meat market pointing out different cuts on a chart.
Also, some of the phrasing needs more attention. There are instances like "[Opening her eyes I saw] her look towards the trail" or "There were those times [I felt almost a freak] [walking the streets among them] and this was another reason I sometimes preferred my private time on this small beach [ed., Because of the streets?]" where the bracketed language confused me and I had to review to understand. Adding more punctuation between phrases might help.
Wild stuff. I'm curious to see what you come up with next time! And where do we find these beach babes, Ray?
Cain
From: celia batau
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: Wed, 6 Feb 2002 14:44:54 -0800
hi Des!
pozzie one: the woman using the coarser method of sand and seawater for her pleasure/pain was beautiful and absurd. :)
pozzie two: the abbreviated sexual touching we think was stronger than if they both would have had full sex.
neggie one: the whole demonstration and explanation was definitely a male thing. but before then, not knowing the series or the narrator, we kept flipping back and forth with the possibility of what the narrator was. maybe if there was more info in the beginning to establish things might be better if this story is meant to be stand-alone?
neggie two: we kept having to adjust in our head how far the woman was for him to be able to see what he did and still not be seen by her. also the description of what she was doing kind of went backwards to how she was doing it (made more sense to us that she was facing the ocean when rubbing the sand over herself which made the narrator's descriptions either over-her-shoulder or twisted around from description to description.
we liked the story a lot. :)
-cb (who likes absurd stories)
"Desdmona22" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected] ...
Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode Ray1031 (F-Mast, M-Voy, Cons)
celia batau's story site: http://www.myplanet.net/pinataheart/stories.htm.
Compare with cheesecake.
I would say a cheesecake is a cake, served cold, made largely of cream
cheese, and I'd think this is a pretty good guideline for what cheesecake
is.
-Adrien
From: Selena Jardine
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: 6 Feb 2002 19:02:41 -0800
[email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote in message news:<[email protected]> ...
This is one story of a series Ray is writing. It's 2,802 words. And should stand as a complete story. FishTank guidelines:
1) 2 positve comments
2) 2 things to improve
3) Try not to repeat.
I appreciated the chance to read this interesting story.
Nitpicks:
1) I know that this is part of a series, and reading the other parts would undoubtedly help me out, but I didn't know until near the end whether the narrator was a man or a woman. If this is part of your point, well and good, but if you mean us as readers to know in a stand-alone story, then you might want to talk about an erection developing, or something.
2) I thought that there were too many paragraphs in which the narrator was trying to prevent his beach blonde from taking a fatal swim. The language barrier had been well-established; her foreignness had been well-established; the danger had been well-established. You probably don't need 3+ grafs in which nothing moves forward except a few line drawings in the sand.
Nice moments:
1) I liked the language barrier. It increased the sense of no-consequences: grab my tit and I'll grab your dick by the side of the ocean and it's an ... interlude. Nothing more. Maybe. Or maybe not. That ambiguity was well done.
2) The liquidity of the sex was interesting. You've got the ocean on one side, and the woman on the other, who's using the ocean bed to bring her own liquid up: an offering of blood and juices. Very nice.
Thanks, Ray!
Selena
[email protected]
From: Meme Mispelt
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: Thu, 7 Feb 2002 23:43:01 -0500
On 5 Feb 2002, Desdmona22 wrote:
1) 2 positve comments
2) 2 things to improve
3) Try not to repeat.
well. since i kinda jumped on the last few right out of the gate, I thought this time i'd sit back and let others have their turn, and lo and behold, all the first-rank things that jumped out at me, positive or less so, have all been pretty much covered.
phoo.
i will offer a suggestion: like many of the commentators i had some confusion about where the narrator was relative to the woman he was observing, and how he could make some of his observations. it does say that he is peering around a rock to see her, and that his blanket was initially in shadow, and if the sun is behind him, so she's brightly lit and looking into the sun if she looks in his direction, this could actually work. a phrase like "i grew bolder, creeping forward, knowing i would be hidden by the sun's glare" or something.
of the mid-morning sun. Opening her eyes I saw her look towards the trail she must also have climbed down and then scan the cliffs surrounding the small bay before releasing the ties of her robe and tossing it to the beach behind her. She was nude beneath. Her position providing me a perfect side
I disagree with the fix someone else suggested (full stop after trail in the second line above). I had to read it about four times, but it's "she must also have climbed down" is modifying trail, it's the trial SHE must have ALSO climbed down, as opposed to some other trail - I'm bringing it up in part because in the larger context of the series that seems like relevant information: mysterious woman from nowhere came from the same direction as the narrator.
I uh, agree that the sentence needs to be fixed, though. And the leading "Opening her eyes" is one of those whaddayacallums. Misplaced something. It doesn't describe the action, that follows, because she does all that after she opens her eyes. In fact, since I've nattered on about this for hours, if it were mine to copy edit (which of course it's not; chug salt-grains as needed):
"She opened her eyes, and I saw her look back to the trail that she must also have climbed down. She scanned the cliffs surrounding the small bay, before releasing the ties of her robe and tossing it to the beach behind her."
In fact, right there is where I would toss in the first suggestion about how he can see her well, but not vice-versa, owing to the glare from the sand and the narrator's position in shadow.
I also liked the narrative voice, how it was a little stiff and formal, measuring things in centimeters. I found myself almost as curious about the narrator, his motivations and background as I did about the woman and her unusual approach to mild masochism. Which is saying sumpin'.
Overall: interesting, somewhat surprising, definitely makes me interested in reading more: Nice job.
- Meme Misspelt
- http://www.asstr.org/~meme_misspelt/
From: Desdmona
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: 08 Feb 2002 23:46:57 GMT
Ray~
This interlude certainly teases my voyeuristic nerve endings. I'm really partial to stories that let me look at what's happening at the same time as the narrator. I guess that means I'm a classic voyeur, huh?
I really like the "edge" this story has. The woman's proclivity towards pain is borderline "get-me-a-psychiatrist-quick." The turn-on from sucking blood hints at vampirism (or whatever the politically correct term is now.) It takes us to the dark side but yanks us back before we fall into the abyss. That's yummy!
The one thing that really bothers me is all the directional sentences, such as:
">As I watched her moving she stopped and carefully raised one foot from the
water, crossing it over her knee and turning away slightly as she crouched and bent, balancing on one foot as she examined it.
This kind of 3-levels-to-stop-point really detracts from the flow of reading. I had to stop and reread it twice before I finally realized she had positioned herself sort of like a squatting stork. I think you could say she stopped to examine her foot due to whatever, and we as readers would understand the specific movements it takes to do that while standing in water.
I just don't think it's necessary to describe each and every motion that each and every body part makes. It adds to confusion.
I tend to agree with those that have commented on the long sentences, but I agree only half-heartedly. I don't like them because, well, because they're long and get a little confusing. On the other hand, I do like them because they're long and edgy. The style itself sort of mirrors the edginess to the story. And I almost think that to change the style of writing changes the whole "feel" to the story.
All in all, a very interesting and creative interlude. It certainly has me anxiously waiting to read more of the "Pregnancy Palace."
Good stuff, Ray!
Des
From: Ray
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: Sat, 9 Feb 2002 01:17:42 -0500
First, thank you all for your responses to my little scribblings, I am happy that they seem to have, over-all, met with your approval.
Second, my apologies to you all as well. Des was one of the authors I exchanged e-mails with concerning a different story idea of mine (blonde on blonde) and she had commented that she wanted to see it 'first', if and when I wrote/write it. Remembering her once mentioning a penchant for 'voyeuristic' stories, I sent her a better self-edited copy of this story, mentioning that, if she needed one to use, she could feed it to the sharks in the Fish Tank. When she mentioned she 'finally' wanted to post one of her own stories I, of course said, "Ladies First'.
Something happened, and Monday morning Des asked me to resend the story so she could post it in the Tank. I was quite pressed for time and didn't have the 'self-edited' copy to hand, so I emailed her the original draft, doing only a simple spell check before I sent it. I'm sorry I could not send you the edited version.
My apologies are for the fact that some of the suggested revisions have already been made in the newer version. Many, also, were not, and the information you provided is greatly appreciated, even on those changes I've already made, as it shows that I was making the right ones.
For everyone: When I begin posting the stories in this series (which will not be done in any way chronilogically), the stories - with the exception of the two 'origin stories' will all be preceeded by a couple of short paragraphs introducing the scene and the four primary characters.
For Dr. Spin, Shon, Souvie, Meme and Des: The opening paragraphs have already been slightly reworded and repunctuated (and I did add 'also', though the period came after 'climbed down' rather than after trail.) I type as I think something when initially writing, then refine, condense and repunctuate. Most of my convoluted phrasing has already been re-done (Mostly right along the lines suggested). :6}
Dr. Spin: The whole lay/lie thing has always been a weak point for me - never can remember that damned rule (This from the guy who grew up as the family dictionary and thesaurus - but it's getting hard to carry 250lb pool heaters on my shoulder too. Maybe I'm finally starting to get old? <g> Naw!!) . Thanks for the heads up. :^}
Shon, I've read much of your stuff - don't short yourself, as you do some things I would never think of. :^} As for the Superman eyes, you, Cain, Celia and Selena all made comments alluding to the same thing - the need for me to include dimensions for the 'beach' and better clarify that she wasn't that far from 'our hero', and only his being mostly hidden by the 'mini-boulder' and her facing away from him, kept his presence unknown. (I'll correct it.)
Thank you sweet Souvie for affirming that I reached an objective I always strive for: "Leave them wanting more!" I've always believed that the best stories always make the reader want more and I'm glad I seem to have done that. :^}
Cain, I'll try to add a word or two to clarify his sometimes feeling freakish. It's something I felt occassionally while I was there - Standing four to six inches taller than the majority of the population around me, and being an American in an Oriental world, I sometimes felt like a freak compared to those around me. (As for the 'beach babes' - you'll have to find your own, just like the rest of us - sorry. <g> (As for what's next, after this series I have to continue Crowded House and I have an idea for a man who travels back in time to stop his mother from ever meeting his father - a cruel and abusive man - because he loves her so much.)
Celia: I'll look closely at the descriptions and positioning of both parties so things won't seem twisted from scene to scene. (I'm glad you and the others liked the abbreviated contact at the end - it was really a spur of the moment thing ... I was all set to write a full on sex scene when I thought of this ending and felt it to be more erotic.) :^}
Saucy Selena: Thanks for your comments on the excessiveness of the sand drawings. I found it difficult to write and really wasn't satisfied with the result. Reading your comments I 'knew' how to correct it into one smaller paragraph and only two or three sentences. I'm glad you enjoyed the ambiguity and slight otherness of the story - Whoopie!! Someone noticed!! <ggg-GGG-VBG>
I even got nice words from Jeff ... Yay!! :^}
Des, I felt you might get a tickle from this one, :^} which is why you received it in the first place. <g> I 'am' making adjustments to the sentence length, though hopefully without changing the flavor of the story. You are right about the step by step descriptions at some points and I'll make changes in the next edit. (before I send it to someone for a final edit so I can post it)
Now I have to go put my arm in a sling .... (Hurt it trying to pat my own back <g>)
Ray
From: Jeff Zephyr
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: Thu, 07 Feb 2002 12:38:26 -0600
On 04 Feb 2002 21:23:50 GMT, [email protected] (Desdmona22) wrote:
The following is # 26 in The Fish Tank. Ray is in the midst of writing a series
As a story in a series it does stand alone OK. The codes help clear up who the narrator is, as much as he reveals at least. I think that as a stand-alone tale, a bit of self-introduction might be helpful. Not sure, though - the mystery writer telling about his encounter, especially to an intimate friend, might not say those things.
I loved the masturbation on the beach scene. The lady didn't need to talk to show how she felt, and the whole situation is intriguing. No need to do more than just watch.
The observer did get to touch, but just fleetingly. And the language barrier made the situation a pure mystery. No names, no phone numbers, nothing past the current encounter.
Can't think of a 2nd negative.
Jeff
Web site at http://www.asstr.org/~jeffzephyr/ For FTP, ftp://ftp.asstr.org/pub/Authors/jeffzephyr/
There is nothing more important than petting the cat.
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From: DrSpin
Re: Beach Blonde Interlude - A Pregnancy Palace Episode, by Ray
Date: 5 Feb 2002 11:35:17 -0800
In article <[email protected]>, Ray offered ...
Gee, I'm impressed with this. It has the sex story elements I like - a voyeuristic narration and an uncommon behaviour incident.
The detail is good. What she's doing is fascinating. And it's terrific that she should leave him stranded.
As for things to improve ...well, it's a matter of personal taste. Ray's sentences are generally too long and double-jointed for my preference, but we all have different writing styles. If I was editing, there would be more periods and fewer commas. As a broad grammar thing, you're always likely get into more trouble with complex sentences.
I have just one pointed comment to make, and it comes in the very first line ...
Chickens lay, Ray. The whole laying/lying/lieing thing should be avoided, in my opinion. Find another way to say it.
Otherwise, a hot little interlude. Very well done.
DrSpin
* also at [email protected] and at http://www.ruthiesclub.com