Title: Psychology 101 Author: BabyInDiapers Written: 07/15/2003 Introduction This story is about a patient on record from back in the early 1980's to 2046. The patient had been to counseling several times during her childhood, teenage years, and late adult-hood. This patient died on 9/4/20046 of natural causes. After digging through her files I decided to put together a cumulative report from the various files of doctors she had attended. I hope that this case study will help to aid others in the field, by shedding some light into an otherwise previously unexplored area of the human psyche. PART I Dr. Phillip Martin of Penn State children's psychiatric facility at the University of Pennsylvania first was handed this case by a local practice in a nearby township. Shannon Berkley, age 2 parent, middle class home in the suburbs. This child was displaying signs of traumatic regression and ADD. The little girl sitting in Dr. Martin's office in her mother's lap was shy and introverted during the first meeting. The mother answered some questions. The father was unable to attend due to his work situation. Among these notes the girl was still not potty trained and was in diapers. During her first visit, as with other future visits, she soiled her diaper. When asked if why she did not want to use the potty she would reply with "I want to be a baby, baby's get loved but big kids don't." When questioned further, she became upset and threw a tantrum. At this point they left Dr. Martin's office and did not return for several weeks. Soon after Shannon's fifth birthday her mother and her once again came. Her mother was at her wits end. After talking with the mother, he then asked if she could leave and let him talk with Shannon alone. He began to ask questions. "Do kids at school tease you because you still wear diapers?" "Yes." She replied with her head down. "Does your mommy or daddy yell at you when you go potty in your diapers?" "Yes, sometimes." She said. "Why do you not want to be trained like all the other children?" "Because, I'm a baby, and babies go in there diapers, and mommies change babies diaper and love them. And when baby grows up mommy and daddy don't love them anymore." She said. "What makes you think that if you grow up that no one will love you?" "Because, everyone loves babies." She said slightly agitated. "I agree, most people do love babies. But they also love there children, even when they are all grown up and leave home. "No they don't, they just pretend. People only really love babies. Everybody else just lies to make you feel better." She said. Dr. Martin sat back in his chair and thought momentarily. "Did someone ever tell you this?" "No, I just know it." "I think that babies do get more attention than older kids, that is true. But that doesn't mean that they aren't loved. "So, I want to be a baby! FOREVER!" she said as she began to cry. Dr. Martin opened the door and called for the child's mother. Then once again they left. There were a few more intermittent visits over the next 2 to 3 years. She was not adjusting well in school, and had to be put into a special needs class due to her need for diapers, and emotional support. Besides slight ADD she was able to learn at her age level. But socially, she was still hung up on this "baby" reality of hers. The last time Dr. Martin saw her she was 7. Now she was not only in diapers but she would act more like a toddler. She refused to walk, she would crawl around on the floor during her last sessions. She would avoid questions by trying to act silly and change the subject. Shannon would even go as far as to suck her thumb and talk gibberish. With further talks with Shannon's parents they decided to treat her as a baby at home and to continue to send her to school for interaction with others in hopes that she would get tired of being teased at school and would just grow up. The doctor had no idea what else to do. There was really nothing else wrong accept that as he put it: "She confuses real love with being a baby, as if that is the only medium in which she can receive ones love." For several years her file was closed. Although some counselors in the special needs program would come up with ideas from time to time, things didn't really change. PART II Shannon's family had moved to up-state New York in 1991 when Shannon was fifteen years of age. Surprisingly she attended regular classes at her new school She was in 8'th grade when they left PA, and started high school in a new town. This seemed to shatter her success. She would often come home from school crying. Her mother would get called to the school to pick her up because she had wet or messed in her pants. Her mom let her be in diapers at home and especially at night. She still wanted to be a baby. For a while she had been doing good about being grown up out in public but with the sudden changes in her life she simply regressed. She began seeking counseling again with Dr. Carol Sanchez of NY State University. Shannon seemed to have interacted better though the years with females psychologists and so she opened right up to Dr. Sanchez. When visiting Dr. Sanchez's office, Shannon would insist that her mother let her dress up as a baby, diapers, baby clothes, bottle, diaper bag, pacifier, etc. Some of her conversations went as follows. "So you're mother tells me that you like to come and see me to talk?" "Yeah, it's fun here." She said. "And also she mentioned that you like to "dress up" when you come to see me?" "Yeah." "Do you mind telling me why? "Well, I'm here to talk about my baby problem right? So shouldn't I be the same on the outside as I am on the inside. That way you can help fix me better, I guess." "So what do you think needs fixing?" "My mom." "Why is that?" "Cuz she gets mad when she has to change my poopy diapers." "Well can you blame her?" "So what's the big deal. I'm her baby, that's her job." "Well yes and no. I mean if you had some medical problem or mental problem where you were unable to help it, then yes. But you're a smart young lady and you don't need your "mommy" to take care of you as a baby." "How would you know?" she said as she threw her binky across the room. "I am going poopy in my diaper." "ok, that's fine." "But aren't you going to make my mommy come change me?" "No." "Why not, everyone else does, then I usually leave." "That's exactly why I'm not calling her. You always pull that trick to avoid talking about things. " "Yeah, I know." "Well what is it that you are always so afraid of talking about? "I'm not afraid." "Ok then what is it that even after 13 years of your life, that makes you want to be a 2 year old still?" "Can you hold on, I can't talk when I'm doing a load in my diapers." "Ok, tell me when you are finished and we will continue to talk. A couple moments went by on the tape and then I was able to hear the rest of Dr. Sanchez's questions. "So do you like the feeling of being messy?" "Yes." "How does that make you feel?" "Messy." She mumbled. "Yes, but I mean on the inside." "I feel better sometimes when I really have to go a lot." Dr. Sanchez laughed for a moment and then regained her composure. "Yes I'm sure honey. But what I am trying to ask you is, what do you feel like inside your mind, what are you thinking?" "When I'm messy I feel the most like a baby because I feel helpless and I need my mommy." "And you like that?" "Yeah." The questioning went on for some time. She would always avoid the central issue surrounding her strong feelings about being a baby. Shannon attended counseling on and off for the next three years. The only benefit that came from it was that she stabilized emotionally somewhat and her grades improved. She went to prom, in diapers, and graduation, in diapers, but she made it none the less. After trying to get a job Shannon went to college. She moved out. In her apartment Dr. Sanchez came over to visit. She was amazed at how she had decorated and furnished her apartment. "It's like when I'm in here, I can be as much of a baby as I want. When I go out, I do what grown-ups do, I mean life kinda does go on, but I can't fully cope without having at least some baby time each day." She decided to not continue with counseling anymore after that. So as before her case file was put into storage. The next time we would here from Shannon she would be in August, 2039 at age 63! PART III It had been a long life for Shannon. Disappointment lead to more depression. She had never married, or held a stable job. She had been looking for something her whole life that she couldn't find. Shannon wound up at Dr. Stan Zimmerman's office as a broken, lost, and empty old woman. She attended counseling with Dr. Z. for 2 years in which she tried to figure out all the issues of her life. Still in diapers, she sat there talking. "I wanted a mommy or daddy figure even after I left home. I never married because nothing ever worked out. Even with some girlfriends I had while living in San Francisco, the baby fantasy soon gave way to reality. I would only wind up laying in my crib at night with the TV on to drown away my inner thoughts of anger. I was so disappointed in life. I only wished now that someone would have broken me while still young so that I wouldn't have gone on this wild goose chase and turned up empty handed. Sure there were good times, but I don't have anything to show for any of it now. I could have been so many things, but I spent my life's energy chasing my inner-baby. I don't even have children, not much less grandchildren. Now in my older years, that is the thing that depresses me the most. I just wish I would hurry up and die." Finally after her long speech, Dr. Z sat there in silence taking it all in. "So, now that you've arrived near the end. What would you say to others. What do you think you can give back to psychology so that we can help others like you in the future?" "Don't confuse love with diapers, and being a baby. It's a phantom you'll chase your whole life, and once cornered and the mask is removed, you realize you've been tricked. But the sad thing is doctor, you can't help anyone." "What do you mean?" "It's a terminal sickness." "Well I don't believe that. Psychology is a medicine to help remedy such sickness and exists to help people as the study goes on." "Agreed, and in most cases it will help. It helped me learn coping with my depression, an it has done some good for me, don't get me wrong, but nothing you can say or do will take the baby out of someone." "Explain." Dr. Z. said. "Well, take your computer for instance. You can program software all day to change how it caries out instructions. If you change enough codes you can give it a whole new aspect for performing calculations. But take hardware for example, you build the software around the hardware. Hardware comes from the factory a certain way, and you can use software to mask it, to hack it, to completely create an illusion of anything you wish, but the hardware only receives and puts out what it was intended to. So it is with infantilism. You can write code to help fix us till you're blue in the face but that piece of hardware, (ie: the baby inside) will remain unchanged." "I believe psychology can do hardware upgrades." Dr. Z. smiled as he sat back in his chair confident of his last statement. "No, it can't, at least not yet. Even when everything within me wanted to quit being a baby and to walk away from it, I couldn't for very long. It never dies. Never." "Why do you think there is such a strong pull that never dies no matter what you do to try and counteract it?" "Because you remember what it was like to be in mommy's arms, to feel love and to be dependant and care free. But after you're past the age of two or three, it's over. And you don't want it to be over, but it really is. And you try to do things to bring it back, and it does, partially. But in the end you realize that you can't be that small, you can't feel and sense things like you did back then. Even if virtual reality could trick your whole sensory perception, something would still be missing." "I agree." Dr. Z. said as he stood up. "I wish you the best of the rest of your life. I believe you've answered your own questions and know the answers within yourself. Now it is time for you to take what you have left, and work with it to make it the best years of your life. You owe it to yourself Ms. Berkley." They shook hands and parted. This was our last record of Shannon in any counseling facility Through further digging, I was able to track Shannon's last few years before she died. She was active in her Church, and volunteered to tell stories down at the orphanage. She seemed to have took Dr. Z's advice to heart. Conclusion As I wrap up this study on Shannon Berkley's life, I feel that it would be incomplete without her last words. On her death bed she had one of her close friends setup a video recorder and left her alone to say her piece. Here is the conclusion of her tape in which she had sent to Dr. Z after it was made. "Since my earliest memories, I can recall being a baby. I remember clearly the feeling of mommy changing me, feeding me and holding me. As my memory progresses through my young years, I can recount some of the hard times my parents had with me. My mind skips ahead to there death some years later. Sudden pain hits my heart even now as I speak. I still cry for my inner-baby, even now that I know it can never live free, at least in this life. I am hopeful that with my eternity in Heaven with my savior Jesus, that God my heavenly Father will once again hold me in his big arms to restore that which I feel loss for in this life. I regret many things, and I recount many joyful times. To anyone out there, embrace your inner-child or inner-baby, but please, don't get obsessed to the point that you lose your life for its sake. Being a "big baby" can be a happy thing, if you know one thing ahead of time. Just know this. "You can't go back, only forward. Celebrate your inner-baby. Enjoy your diapers and baby play. But build a life for yourself in the present world as well. Know also that some people will never accept you, but let this not bring you down. You are unique and special. Don't be sad. Talk to your inner-baby, comfort yourself in this, knowing that when you leave Earth, you will go back to being a baby in the most loving arms ever known." Now as I close the folder on this case and put the tape back in its case, I sigh and think to myself. "Baby, I'm glad you're within me. I hope tjat you are happy and content. I wish you could come out to play, and to stay, but this World wasn't built for you. I'm sorry for that, but don't cry; because I love you... so much more than you will ever know." The End.