Jane found the small office without much difficulty. It was in a modern looking development rather in a small side road. Each floor seemed to hold a different company. The lobby was unguarded and Jane was able to go to the lift and she found 'Petra Northgate' on the list next to it as being on the third floor. Jane was soon at her office, one of the almost identical doors in a corridor of six. The office inside was small with a tiny reception room unstaffed by any secretary. Petra was there seemingly waiting for Jane when she entered.

"Jane Portland?"

"Yes, that's me." Jane responded a little nervously.

"I'm Petra Northgate, come in."

Petra had to be in her late fifties. Her dark hair, laced with grey, was bound up in a bun and pulled back starkly from her face. She had a broad face of features that must have once been strong but through age were beginning to lose their definition. Her eyes still seemed to twinkle and gave the impression of an enduring interest in life. Petra's room was like a thousand other medical offices with bland paintings on the wall and a number of certificates. The only distinctive thing was the leather clad reclining chair in the corner.

"Take a seat, Jane." Petra gestured to the normal office chair in front of her desk.

Jane took the seat and sat silently, assuming Petra would take the lead; she did.

"So you said on the telephone that you have been suffering some hallucinations." Petra outlined, consulting notes on her desk as she did. "You were recommended to see me by Kym Abel?"

"Yes. I've also been for blood tests, and it's not anything medical, you know, being drugged or brain tumour or anything."

"That's good, I was going to ask that."

"Do you know Kym, Kym Abel?"

"Yes, we've done some work together in the past. I've seen her at work with other clients. She always likes to take jobs in companies, you're with Redline Finance?"

"No, Morcar Publishing. She's just come there as a counsellor."

"Right, sounds typical of Kym. As I was saying, she likes to see counselling on the frontline, she says it helps contextualise her writing on the subject. And Kym was unable to help you?"

"Well, she said that the hallucinations, they are of me, but in an extreme style: short hair, piercings, so on; she said it stemmed from me not facing up to my sexuality. Apparently I am seeing myself as I would imagine a typical lesbian to look like and she feels that is my mind telling me I am in fact a lesbian."

"And I'm assuming that that's not how you see yourself."

"No, of course not, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I think her diagnosis is wrong. I think it's more serious and that my personality is splitting."

"Okay, okay. Well, that is pretty serious, but I will tell you for every one woman that has a split personality you'll have a hundred who have issues around their sexuality. Kym doesn't panic, she looks at the probables and works through them."

"So you think the same?" Jane jibed.

"No, I didn't say that. I have the utmost respect for Kym and her methods, but we focus on different things and thus will adopt different approaches. While Kym will work on you looking into what is facing you, I go in and look for myself. You know what hypnosis is about? Forget all the popular coverage, it is about unlocking the mind which often has so many parts hidden behind thick walls and locked doors. I simply open up those elements, safely, and then see what we can do to address what is in there. It might be things from your past, it might be things you have forgotten, it may be things you are simply denying. The bottom line is that something is upsetting you and we are searching for the cause. The kind of treatments Kym and I provide are not medicines to kill off the bad thoughts, they are about you tackling them for yourself. Do you understand?"

"I think so."

"Good. You may need a number of sessions to handle this. Ultimately you may find, and, I only say 'may find' that there is an issue of your personality and, remember, that can be as much chemical as psychological. However, it is best practice to eliminate every simpler explanation before we tackle the big ones."

"Yes, I understand that. However, these visions scare me and I want to get them out of my head as soon as possible."

"I understand that too. Well, I don't think we need to delay. If you'll move over to the other chair and sit back and close your eyes, try to let any thoughts go out of your mind."

Jane did what Petra asked and sat back in the chair. She tried breathing slowly and to empty her mind of the thoughts that were there. She wondered rather impatiently why Petra had not started yet. Then she heard gentle, smooth music in the background.

"That's it Jane, breathe slowly and deeply, let the oxygen really get into your lungs, into your brain, feel your head glowing with a pink shade, that's it, nice and relaxed."

Jane certainly could feel the tensions ebbing from her. The light behind her eyelids now seemed red but soft.

"Now, Jane, I am going to start counting back from twenty. Concentrate on each number as I say it. Let the number come into your head. By the time I reach 'one' you will be in a trance."

Petra said nothing else for the moment. "You are feeling so heavy, your limbs, your hips, your shoulders, they are all sinking deeper into the chair. That's it, let them go. Open yourself to the numbers."

Jane wanted to mumble some response, but the words would not come. Instead she heard Petra's voice somewhere behind her.

"Twenty…nineteen…eighteen… seventeen…" There was a pause between each number which seemed to get longer and longer. "Sixteen… Fifteen… Fourteen… Thirteen… Twelve… Eleven."

Then Jane felt herself falling into the hypnosis. She was slightly alarmed that it had taken her, realising that like a lot of people, she guessed, she had assumed she was immune to the effects. Now a new vision came to her. She guessed this was what Petra had told her that she would see: some element of her past or a representation of how her psyche was working.

Jane knew she was in the hypnosis as she found herself in a living room of what looked like a flat. Though she knew it was not real, it looked, felt and even smelt as if she was in a real place. It was a nice place, not her style but still smartly appointed and with new furnishings. The white walls held stark black & white photos that looked like artistic shots of parts of women's bodies. Jane looked away, a little worried that this was all too quickly coming back to the lesbian theme. As the woman walked into the room with the two cups of coffee in her hand, Jane mentally squirmed, wishing she could wake herself and get out of this scenario. That did not seem to be happening. Jane told herself that this did not necessarily have to go the way she was concerned it might.

Aside from Rachel she did not have many female friends these days and maybe this vision was suggesting that she simply had to extend her social circle. In addition, no matter what the set-up she had to believe that nothing would happen without her consent. The woman did not look insane, in fact she was very attractive, with long black hair running as a plait currently resting over right shoulder. She wore a mid-

blue top of some shiny material, possibly silk. It was almost sleeveless but her shoulders were capped in a style Jane found she liked. She wore ink-blue jeans and a belt that was black leather with widely spaced studs of a copper shade.

So, okay, she might be a lesbian, but then again she might be just a fashionable woman, maybe a new colleague or a neighbour. This flat, with admittedly different d�cor, was not that different from Jane's own. The woman handed Jane one of the cups rather than put it on the table and her fingers did seem to linger a little longer than necessary. Jane wanted to snatch them away but found she left them there. Jane had no idea what the rules of being in a hypnosis scene were. How much control did she have? How much of it came from parts of her mind, that if Kym and Petra were right, she had little knowledge of? Jane wanted to say that this was probably a mistake and that she hoped that she did not offend the woman but it was clear that she should not be here.

"Thank you." Came from Jane's lips instead.

"No worries, Jay."

Jay? Not that name again. 'No! I'm Jane.' Jane wanted to shout.

Jane tried to move away from the woman but found instead she was appraising her face. She was beautiful, though in a distinct way. Her features were large with a broad mouth that smiled easily. Her nose was broad but came to a tip a shape which echoed a strong, though shapely, pointed chin. Her eyebrows too seemed to be dominant and left her eyes appearing small in contrast, but Jane saw that they glittered almost like a girl's; signalling a mix of shared secrets and the excitement of possibilities.

Jane forced herself to sip her coffee and tried to look around the room at something, anything. She remembered that she would probably catch site of those arty photographs and anyway, whatever was controlling this scene was not going to give her that kind of control. Jane reconciled herself to the fact that she was going to be shown something and she had to simply sit there and watch whatever it was. She just wished everything was more dream-like, this was far too realistic, she could even feel the heat and the taste of the coffee on her tongue. Then she realised there were other sensations too: a quickening of her heartbeat and an excited feel in her stomach. She cursed Petra for putting her on this rollercoaster. She recognised that she could be in something far more scary that this scenario: there was no monster busily biting at her limbs, but with all the stuff she had heard about lesbians she was heartily tired of it.

Now, other thoughts began forcing their way into Jane's head. It was as if that part of her brain which had created this context, was now irritated at the forefront of her personality for whining about it all. Not only did she get a strong feeling that she should relax and go with the flow of what was happening, she also began to get signals that she should feel differently about this woman, who was called Naomi, by the way. Naomi was a very hot woman and Jay needed to remember that she had done really well to land her, and didn't her lips look as if they would taste so good? And wasn't her body great and how good would it feel to lock her mouth onto one of Naomi's nipples? Jane quivered with the conflicting emotions, just hoping that somewhere Petra would see that and let her out of here. Then the part of Jane which she was beginning to allow to call itself Jay, said she was being foolish and she should not try to get away from what was going to be oh-so-excellent.

"I had a good evening, Jay, thanks." Naomi spoke, putting down her coffee.

Jane tried to ensure she clung to her cup, but she mirrored Naomi's gesture. "Yes, it was excellent, Naomi, I love that club. And …"

"Yes?"

Jane tried to choke off the next words that she sensed Jay sending out, but she was unable to stop them. "And I really enjoyed dancing with you. You're, you're…"

Jay was clearly feeding Jane's voice words it knew that Naomi wanted to hear. Jane tried to just run rubbish through her mind, any words or phrases that she could think of at random but that simply seemed to yield yet more control to Jay.

"You're beautiful."

Well, normally that would not have been too bad, Jane thought. You could tell a woman she looked beautiful and it not mean anything, but here where they were sitting face-to-face almost breathing in step with each other, it had so many other connotations. Jane just wished Jay was as unco-ordinated with women, as she, Jane, was with men. Not that that often made much difference, if men got the green light then you could speak utter gibberish from then on and they would still want you. Maybe the same went for lesbians, Jane did not know and was unlikely to find out, as Jay was busily doing a reasonable come-on, a little hackneyed maybe, but clearly sufficient for this context.

"Thank you. I really love the way you look."

Jane wondered how Naomi could really say that given the half-lidded state of her eyes and the breadth of her smile. Then Naomi's hand crept on to Jane's thigh. Not too close into the target zone to be a threat, but certainly signalling her intention to move that way. Jane wanted to shrink back, but instead her hand reached out to gently brush a strand of Naomi's hair away from her eyes. God, her skin was soft, and warm, and so good. Jane found it difficult to fight the wave of lust that ran through her. Jane had to admit that that was a nice buzz, something she would not try to kick out of her system; a sensation she had not felt in such a long time.

Beneath her clothes, she felt her nipples becoming erect and below she knew that her lips were broadening, opening. She felt her body was betraying her, opening up its doors for this woman when it should be presenting a cold and ironically soft, rather than hard, exterior. Cold and soft, cold and soft, Jane tried chanting that mantra, but the soft was a traitor too as it reminded her of the attention Jay wanted to give to Naomi's skin and lips. Cold and unresponsive, cold and unresponsive, Jane tried.

Jane tried glancing down at herself to take the focus away from Naomi, hoping she would be saved by the bell of Petra reawakening her. Of course, it hardly helped, because it showed her that she was in the kind of outfit she had been seeing in the mirrored image. She wore a black teeshirt with some design on it. For a moment she worried it would say something like 'No-one knows I'm a lesbian', a slogan she had seen once on a teeshirt when first in London and walking through Camden market. The memory of that had jammed itself back into her head in recent days. This teeshirt, however, showed a pink triangle pattern with some complex design and Jane felt bewildered why she should be in such a cutesy designed top, but then imagined that if she knew what the symbol meant it would probably be shouting loud Jay's sexuality. At least there was nothing like 'I like pussies' on it with a design of two cats; even Jane felt that would have being going too far. The trousers of course were black leather and very sleek, just how she, how Jay, liked them. Resting around her waist was the obligatory studded belt which Jane was beginning to feel she could take as a leitmotif of her hallucinations, of which this, was one and at a new level.

"I think I need to lose this teeshirt."

God, why had she said that? Jane cursed herself. This was a minefield. She had to keep her thoughts to herself. Could she not push out a yawn? At least that would be rude and indicate that she was bored, but, no, she, Jane, herself, whoever that identity was in this chaos, even she was giving out innuendo. Jane looked up abruptly at Naomi to see her response and it was one of her broad smiles with more twinkling from the eyes. Her fingers slid into the 'v' of her top and presumably buffed over her breasts, clearly suggesting to Jane that her fingers might like to follow suit. Then there was a flash of movement and Jane hoped that this was the end of the hypnosis, but instead it was Naomi shedding the lovely silk top to expose breasts held in a black silk bra below. It was not lacy, but to Jane it looked sexy and she wondered what it would be like to wear. Now Jay was in overdrive, admiring the body of the woman opposite her and signalling loudly that she wanted to dive in and press skin-to-skin with all of this woman.

"I thought you were losing that teeshirt." Naomi prompted.

Jane had no intention of stripping for this woman. Like every woman, she had experienced changing in communal facilities in a shop or at a pool with semi-naked women all around her, but this would be something entirely different.

"I think I need some help; I'm a little hot and sticky after the club."

Jane cursed Jay: she was far too much the flirt and these lines belonged in some kind of male fantasy porn movie, not real life interaction with a woman. Then again, Jane reflected, was she not taking all of this too much as if it was real? She had to remind herself that all of this was a construct; it all sprang from her mind nowhere else. She had never tried to initiate a sexual encounter, she left that to the men, but perhaps if she had done, she might have found herself coming up with such lame lines. Of course, Naomi was no woman she had met and was probably created by her mind from a mish-mash of celebrities she had seen or was she some representation of Petra as she may have looked when was younger?

Jane knew her mind had no way of knowing what 'appropriate' lesbian seduction dialogue consisted of, so she was clearly relying on the kind of smutty lines she had heard women use in sexual situations in movies. Jane was half-surprised that the moment Naomi had turned to her, her clothes had not simply fallen off into a neat pile beside her and the two of them had not teleported into the bedroom. Then, of course, with such a clear invite from Jay, Jane found that Naomi was beginning to lift the teeshirt up at both sides. Jane seemed powerless to stop this, or of course, due to Jay's influence, was more than relishing the fact of being undressed because it meant sex. Jane knew all too clearly that two half-dressed women sitting face-to-face was a world away from even two assumed lesbians just drinking coffee.

Jane hated the inevitability of all of this and just wished she could have taken more control over the situation. Partly she was angry as she sensed now that it was Petra who had fed in a lot of what was happening. It seemed that for some reason, she, like Kym before her, all of these women were keen to make Jane recognise the lesbian hidden inside her.

Jane found her hand reaching out tentatively for Naomi's body. She ran her fingers down her side to her waist. Naomi's gaze was fixed on Jane and she was breathing gently. Jane found her scent pleasant, there was something so arousing about the aroma of a woman, that men could not even approach. Naomi released her bra and Jane found herself staring at naked breasts in a way she had never done with anyone else except herself in the mirror. Naomi shifted in closer and took Jane's hand in her own. Or rather Jay's hand as Jane tried to think of it. She was unwilling to participate no matter how good this felt. If she was going to have another personality she was going to write all the blame off to it. Naomi lifted Jay's hand to her breast and Jay responded cupping it and toying with the nipple. Then Jay plunged in with her mouth, not bothering to kiss, just hungry to have the other nipple resting on her tongue, which, in a matter of seconds, it was. Naomi seemed to give a shudder and as Jay pulled away she saw a grin across her face signalling delight.

Rather roughly, Naomi grasped Jay behind her head and pulled her face towards her own. Jay quivered at the sensation of being taken this way and loved it. Jane tried to stop all sensual input but found herself overloaded with the feeling of Naomi's silky lips, the taste, God, not just the smell but the actual taste of a woman, the thoughts of how good this was, arousal in her sex. A siren voice spoke to Jane that she should yield, this was good; this was the best she had felt in ages. This part of said: no-one was here to witness, it was not real, but it felt oh-so-real and so excellent. Jane felt she would betray herself if she yielded to the sensation and that somehow she would have signalled her defeat to this lesbianism which seemed so intent in recruiting her or, even more than that, trying to prove that she had always been like this.

As she focused back on the scene, Jane found her bra was gone and her nipples were so exquisitely brushing over Naomi's; all four were so erect and sensitive to the sensation. Jay of course put up no resistance as Naomi unbuttoned the leather jeans Jay wore. These did feel so pleasant to wear and their rich aroma filled Jane's nostrils, but Jay was saying: wait until their off and we enter the next phase. Of course in a short time, Jane's trousers were gone, the panties beneath, so wet, why were they wet? Oh, of course, it was sexual arousal that had soaked them.

Jane felt rather disgusted at herself, at Jay even more, for permitting herself to be so humiliated this way. Jay, though, was busy at working off Naomi's jeans. They revealed no underwear but labia that were peeling open like a flower and a woman's sex, wet and glistening and so inviting to Jane, no, she insisted, just to Jay. She could think of nothing so improper as viewing another woman's aroused pussy. Even with men she had kept it all with the lights out, here it was if each of them was parading for the other. And, oh, no, she could not believe it, her fingers were now actually sweeping up and down Naomi's sex.

Then Naomi returned the favour and Jane found it difficult to resist anything any more. Suddenly she felt like an addict being fed their favourite substance. It was pleasure, something she had no desire to move away from, in fact she sought to supplement it by pressing her body against Naomi's kissing. She began stroking her, knowing, from somewhere, that this would improve the sensation, not only for her but her lover. Her lover? Jane was bewildered at such a thought, but it seemed impossible to deny given that here she was toying with another woman's body to bring about sexual arousal.

Naomi moved in closer. Her fingers had stroked Jane to a high pitch of excitement and for a moment she felt bereft as the stroking stopped. However, then Naomi's smooth thigh slid between Jane's legs and she gasped at the sensation of its weight and fullness pressing down and then stroking down past her aroused sex. Jane threw back her head, gasping and letting out shrill sounds of pleasure, but Naomi did not cease and was soon increasing the pace of her thrusting. Then she pressed hard into Jane now the padded pubic bone was the point of pressure on her and Jane madly thought how good a dildo would be sliding deep into her, but, for now, it was not needed as pressed sex to sex, Jane was rubbed into an orgasm.

Jane's whole body tautened; her whole sense of being was focused on where Naomi was pressed so hard against her. Jane shuddered in pleasure, a sensation doubled by the shock of having been brought to climax by a woman. She could not deny there was something so naughtily wrong about it that added a real frisson. Jay, of course, kept shrieking inside her head that this was so right; this was how it was meant to be.

Even putting aside the desires of Jay, Jane felt herself almost obliged by her own sense of fairness to bring Naomi to climax. She pushed her lover back and began what she somehow knew was called tribadism; where had the term come from? Had she swallowed the lesbian dictionary? Anyway, sliding bits of your female anatomy against your female partner's seemed to be an excellent thing to do. As her thigh coursed back and forth along Naomi's vulva, Jane began to think next time, why was she thinking about next time? This was the first, last, ever faked lesbian sexual encounter she was having. Anyway, insisted Jay, next time, keep the leather trousers on, think how good that would feel to Naomi or maybe even the studs of the belt stroked one by one, and did she have any pearls? Stop, stop, Jane snapped, lesbian sex was one thing but, now, spiralling off into kinky ideas was something else. Then Naomi bucked and shrieked, shuddering in Jane's grip.

With the breathing on both sides normalising, Jane lent forward and kissed Naomi's lips. Jane hoped the smile on her face was as wide as Naomi's. She was a good kisser, maybe for the next session they needed to kiss more. This had been pretty rapid and maybe the next one should take things slower. The next one? Jane wanted out of here, she seemed to be locked in some kind of lesbian …

"Jane? Jane? Can you hear me?"

Jane jerked open her eyes and was so delighted to find herself back in Petra's bland office. Cold sweat seemed to cover wherever her blouse touched and embarrassingly she felt wet between her legs. Quickly, though, Jane recovered her composure.

"Yes, I'm here, I'm back from that place, whatever it was. What did you do to me?" Jane asked angrily.

Petra seemed rather taken aback. "Erm, just as we agreed, I put you into hypnosis. I was watching carefully but you seemed very relaxed. If you had seemed in distress I would have ended it sooner. There was REM but nothing extreme and no other movement like you see when people are experiencing bad things."

"But what were you telling me, while I was out?"

"I said nothing. It seemed you were in a dialogue, but not with me, with a Naomi. Is she someone you know?"

"No, she seems like some random lesbian who wanted to strip me and, well you know, what lesbians do when they're naked."

"It was a violent dream? You were coerced, forced?"

"Well, yes and no. There was no violence, but I had no control over it. It was like I was a passenger in my own body. I was in the front, but someone else was driving. She, me, whoever was doing the 'driving' was completely complying with what this Naomi wanted."

"But you didn't want it?"

"Well, the me, that is me now talking to you. God this is complicated. I didn't want it and I tried to go, to leave, we were in this woman's flat. However, whoever was driving my body wanted to, well, you know make love to this woman."

"So what happened was consensual?"

"No, I didn't want it but there was nothing I could do to stop it."

"But it was your body that did these things. You said yes."

"I don't want to say that, because as I had no intention to say those words that coming from my mouth, but she, she calls herself Jay, she certainly said 'yes', and a whole lot more."

"You call her Jay, why is that?"

"That is the name she uses when she's speaking. I suppose it sounds cool for a lesbian, it's more androgynous than Jane, that's what they like, isn't it, to be a bit male?"

"Erm, well, lesbians are as varied as any other kind of woman."

"But it's all part of a piece isn't it? When I see these reflected images it's almost as if I put on this lesbian uniform, I guess that's what it is, so they can tell each other apart from the rest of us."

"Yes, like any sub-group there are styles associated with lesbians just as there are with chavs or punks or whatever. Such groups want to stand out a bit from society but also to feel part of a tribe among themselves. Then again, there's millions of lesbians who dress like you or me are at present. Not all of them wear slogan teeshirts." Petra made another note on her pad. "And what were you wearing?"

"Erm, well the studded belt, a bit different from the one in the images, but still there. There were boots and leather trousers. I've never worn them." Jane kept back that both felt good to wear, she did not want to concede anything to Jay. "And this teeshirt on, it had some kind of inverted pink triangle with a swirly pattern on it."

"Well, it is a stylised representation of female sexual organs combined with the pink triangle, that would certainly say 'lesbian'; it's used as a lesbian logo. A double-

headed axe is another popular one, technically called a labrys. You know these symbols?"

"No, I wouldn't say I did, but I guess in London I must walk passed a million women and shops and places and I could have seen it a hundred times."

"And understood what it indicated?"

"Not consciously."

"But, of course, this was what the hypnosis was about, to bring out what is there in your subconscious and it put you in that teeshirt."

"Okay, I just wish it hadn't. Don't you just think that this is my mind being mischievous, putting me in situations where I am experiencing something a little bit risky or risqu�, I suppose. Could it not one time show me as a stripper or a prostitute or something?"

"Oh yes, most certainly. It is just that the theme seems consistent from what you say. That, however, maybe the process reinforcing itself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, because it seems to me clear that whenever you have one of these incidents showing yourself as a lesbian you react ever more strongly to it in a very negative way, so the next time it feels it has to announce itself more forcefully, it becomes even more 'other' and hence risky, exciting, than it was before."

"Okay, I get that. It's a milder version of what Kym said. I need to accept this in order to reduce it. You're saying I missed out on my lesbian experimentation phase in as a teenager and so it is coming back with a vengeance."

"I wouldn't put it in such terms, it's not really a battle. All of us are complex beings and too many people think it all has to be so simple and clear cut. Our sexuality is not something that is static, carved in stone. It may shift as we grow older, it may swing back and forth on a monthly basis. Individual occurrences may trigger a realisation of such a shift or one aspect may have been there all along and suddenly come to the surface. Being in London you may have seen someone or something, some activity that chimed with something in your mind. You say you have seen such teeshirts. You might easily have seen two women kissing, it's a common enough sight on TV and posters these days and then deep inside you something said 'oh, I always wondered what that might be like' and this is the consequence."

"So if I work out when I saw Britney and Madonna or something, then I can track it back? Reverse it?"

Petra smiled. "No, that would be a waste of energy. It might not be that simplistic. These thoughts may have popped out one day if you were living alone on a remote Scottish island, it might be simply that you had reached twenty-three years and four months and two weeks old or something."

"But how do I stop it?"

"Well, you can repress it, but I do not suggest doing that, it will not be good for you in the long-term, look at what difficulties it's already caused."

"But I know I'm not a lesbian and never have been, case closed."

"Well, you can say that, but without wanting to anger you, partly that is not true. It is clear that part of you is a lesbian, wants to be one, to dress like one, and not simply for the style but because it wants you to get it on with a woman. It may be that you need only to do that once, but part of you certainly wants to do that and in the near future. Furthermore, given the consistency of what you have experienced, I think in fact, that part of you wants lesbianism to be a life choice, rather than a Saturday night game."

"No, I can't accept that. I don't look at women and think 'ooh, I'd love to go out with her, kiss her, etc.' Surely I need to think like that to be a lesbian. I think like that about men Daniel Craig, Johnny Depp, even Johnny Wilkinson, not whoever, not erm…"

"Marlene Dietrich, Ellen Degeneres, Martina Navratilova, Jodie Foster? Of course lesbians can fancy non-lesbian women and get disappointed and all kinds of women can be lesbian icons. It is interesting that you just mention unobtainable men; they're safe, at a distance. Are there men within your grasp you fancy?"

"Well, the publishing trade is not over-endowed by attractive men, and all the Mr. Darcys are already with Mrs. Darcy and one thing I will not attempt is to have an affair. Is it because there are no available men that part of my mind, a part I'm not liking very much, is conjuring up all these female-orientated fantasies?"

"No, and anyway it would be a false economy: 90% of men, and women are straight, only 10% of women are gay, so you would be moving into a tighter market. London is full of available straight men, if you want one they are not that difficult to find. A twenty-four year old woman with a job and looking as attractive as you will not encounter a problem in finding a man, and I can guarantee some of them will be decent, even just on the law of averages. Okay, so maybe your work is not the place to find them, but step outside this office and there will be hundreds you would run into in the next hour."

Well, this was a bit of advance Jane thought. Unlike Kym, Petra was not simply suggesting she sign up for the next Gay Pride March. What she was saying was something Jane remembered thinking about in the hypnosis, before everything kicked off, and that was to get out and socialise more. It was just she was so tired once she got home from work and weekends were filled with shopping and laundry and stuff, she was in no mood for even the pub let alone a club.

"Okay, I can buy that. I guess when you're trying to get on at a company and just survive in London, social stuff gets pushed to one side. And however much it pains me I must say that the hypnosis gave me the best sex I've had in months." Jane was rather embarrassed in fact it was the best sex or only sex she had had since coming to London, well, in fact, since leaving university.

"So it was not all a nightmare? From what you said I thought it was just a bit short of a lesbian rape."

"No, it felt good, but I guessed that was because the part of my mind which had constructed it wanted it to feel good." Jane blushed as she thought about the orgasm that Naomi had engineered.

"Yes, I think we can concede that, but if you were that averse to having sex with a woman, everything would have shut down. Don't believe the myths, I couldn't hypnotise you into wanting sex with a woman if that was truly against your character, and, anyway all that kind of thing is for stage hypnotists not for us in the medical profession. All I did was open a few locked doors."

Jane realised she had been wrong to want to blame Petra for what had happened. After all, it was problems with her own thoughts that had brought her to seek out help in the first place. To think that someone was putting those thoughts there seemed fantastical.

Petra continued. "Look, this is not the nineteenth century. Take it easy. You need to relax about this whole issue. Explore your sexuality a little. Look at women on the bus or around the shops. Look at men too. See what attracts you and try not to let assumptions and expectations get in the way. Please don't suddenly leap up with a defence if you happen to find a woman beautiful. For a start that does not make you a lesbian, it might show that you are one, or it might simply be that you've seen a beautiful woman. Don't forget there are such people as bisexuals too and they are no more or less promiscuous than the rest of us, it is just they like certain traits that they might find in a woman or a man. You may be like that. After all, a purely heterosexual woman is not going to like every man or even the bulk of men she meets, and her female friend may like a completely different set of men. Think about lesbian aspects in that way."

Petra continued. "Maybe you like people who are self-confident and you see lesbians as being like that. It seems you find something exciting about people you see as rule breakers, maybe because they are unlike you and you might just be seeing lesbians as representing that, and yet you might expect them to be less dangerous than rule-

breaking men. Maybe you actually like what you see as lesbian fashion, again, not a problem, try it out. These days no-one is going to come along and arrest you for having short hair or sleeveless tops or a tattoo. This the twenty-first century, not even the eighties and looking like a lesbian does not mean you are one. If I was to advise any young woman anything, it is to explore their sexuality because knowing it and being ready for all its shifts, is going to help you a great deal for the entire rest of your life. Okay?"

"Okay."

"But do me one thing. If you find you like women and want to have sex with them, either instead of with men or in addition to with men, please don't deny yourself that however 'bad' or 'wrong' you might feel it is, because, otherwise, you are going to find yourself facing a lot of stress for the rest of your life. Okay?"

"Okay."

Jane conceded, though she was reluctant to do so. She did not know if she should be angry with Petra for leading her on and then simply coming back to basically the same track as Kym. Then again, what was she looking for? Was the only option to head to one of these religious groups that said they could 'correct' your sexuality? Was it so ingrained in her that she could not accept that she might be different to how she had envisaged herself? Did life ever turn out with the fairy tale ending that so many girls, so many teenagers even anticipated? God, life was complex and she just wished it was far simpler, but she had to accept, she guessed, that that was what being all grown up was all about. To try to escape all that and try to find a world where a handsome prince came and swept you away was an even greater denial of modern day reality than seeing yourself in tight jeans kissing a woman.

Jane left Petra's office filled with uncertainty and that angered her a little as she had come seeking reassurance. Then again, maybe she had expected too much. It seemed bizarre that the main thing she had got out of the session was a sexual experience that had felt so real, and however much she might not like it, had actually felt very good. Was she denying something to herself the way Kym and to a lesser extent Petra, had been suggesting? Surely to be a lesbian it was more than just liking a lifestyle – baseball, golf, whatever, it had to be about actually finding women attractive and wanting to have sex with them. Did she find women unattractive? She was not certain. Maybe she had been insisting that more actively recently because of what she thought it implied. She had promised Petra that she would look at women and see if she was attracted to them. She was unconvinced, but she accepted that Petra and even Kym had actually been trying to work in her best interest, why did she not trust them and follow their advice? After all, her own attempts to resolve what was happening to her could hardly count as successful.

Jane realised all these worries had made her jumpy and she tried to calm herself as she sat on the underground back home. Rather than read her book as she habitually did, this time she ran her eyes along the rows of other passengers. There were an assortment of women among them, a range of men too, but none really stuck out. She had to remind herself, that even if she was gay she would not simply be attracted to any woman that she saw, similarly if she was straight that she would not want to sleep with every single man she passed. Maybe it was the area she was going through. Jane had no plans for the rest of the afternoon and switched trains and headed back to the centre of London, to Soho which she knew was renowned for its gay community. She walked down the streets slowly, almost looking like a tourist with too much time on her hands rather than someone living in London. There were male and female gay couples, it was clear; lots of straight people too. She saw a couple of young Italian women who were incredibly striking with their long black hair and designer clothes. Did she fantasise about having one of them as a sexual partner? She could not really tell.

Jane headed into a bookshop and looked very ostentatiously at the lesbian fiction. A couple of women drifted past her and they looked reasonable, but seemed to pay no attention to her. Jane guessed that maybe if she looked how she did in the hypnosis scene then maybe someone would have paid more attention, but this was her; this was Jane. There seemed to be a huge selection of lesbian erotic short story collections and Jane dared herself to buy one. She settled for 'Hot & Bothered 4' mainly because the picture on the front of one woman sat on another's lap and both of them clothed looked far less intimidating than the covers of the books around it with inter-twined, often tattooed, limbs. Now, that woman at the back in the picture, looked really beautiful and had such a lovely smile. Jane found herself gazing at the picture, knowing it was probably set up by the photographer but she found it easy to imagine that there was real affection there and then she found that she could easily envisage that she was the woman sat on the other's lap, the nose stud she wore reminded Jane of her own mirror alter-ego.

Jane wondered if she had made a break through in this exploration. She certainly felt flustered, but, then again, that might have only been from building up the courage to buy the book. She had held back from saying 'it's for a friend' and just gazed at the woman behind the counter as she went about her business. Her smile was reassuring and Jane wondered if she was welcomed into the club, though there was no guarantee that every woman in a women's bookshop was a lesbian. Jane drifted towards a caf� wondering what she was looking for. Was she seeking some kind of revelation from the sky saying 'stop being silly, you are a lesbian, have sex with this beautiful woman that you will run into in the next minute!' Instead she sat in the caf� and gazed around her.

Across from Jane sat two women. One was talking a little loudly. She had a posh Home Counties accent. Jane tried to check out any clues about her; she could not pretend to be any lesbian spotting expert but from what she had seen in her hallucinations, she thought she knew some things. The woman's bright blonde hair was not cropped but neither was it long. She wore an over-sized white shirt and black leather trousers of the kind Jane had seen on herself in the images.

"… They vary in quality, you want ones which are cut from a single piece of leather on each leg and lined all the way down. Cheaper ones are only lined to the knee and you get a horrible stitch line."

"Oh, I've never worn anything like that."

The other woman spoke rather tentatively. She was in a striped top and plain, loose jeans; her haircut was similar to Jane's stopping a short way above her shoulders, smooth and featureless. She sounded like the other woman and they looked the same age. Jane guessed they were old university friends and the quiet one was being inducted into ways of living in London. Jane imagined she would never see her friend again, whilst they may have once been so similar they were now on different paths. The leather-clad woman had to be gay, Jane was sure, and maybe had always had a crush on her friend and now hoped to bring her over by asserting the delights of lesbian style. Jane blushed as she wondered if, since her 'encounter' with Naomi, she knew the true reason why lesbian women wore trousers of shiny materials.

Jane sat back. How did she feel about this scene unfolding before her? The louder woman was now encouraging her friend to come with her and buy a pair of leather trousers under her tutelage. Did Jane want the friend to agree? Did she wish she was in the place of the friend or even of the loud woman herself? She could certainly imagine Jay seeking to convert a woman she was attracted to in that direction. Jane relaxed as Petra had advised and let her feelings take over. Somewhere from deep inside her was a voice saying that the friend should go along, should let herself be dressed and look cool and become a leathered woman like the blonde and that together they would both be happy; denying any of it would deprive each of them of potential happiness and life was too short to pass up on that.

Jane felt a pleasurable tingle as she saw the two women rise, leave the caf� and head towards the leatherwear stores of Oxford Street. Even if the friend went along with the suggestion it guaranteed nothing else, but Jane hoped it would begin her on the 'right' path. Maybe she had been wrong to focus on the lesbian erotica, maybe it was lesbian romance she wanted. Surely that came first? Maybe she had misunderstood what the hypnosis had shown her, she had come in at the end and not seen the build up, maybe back down the track had been a scene just like the one she had witnessed. Did these thoughts make her gay or just a romantic who liked to see people happy? They were certainly not mutually exclusive but neither did one compel the other.

All of this was far too bewildering. She had done what Petra had asked, she had even gone a little further. She decided nothing was going to be resolved. In itself, though, she realised, as she began wending her way out of Soho that that had answered her question. She had seen some beautiful women, seen some lesbians, even bought the first lesbian erotica she had ever owned and yet there was no spark, she did not feel liberated or excited, just a little curious and still bewildered. Maybe that was all this was, curiosity stretching its muscles.