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Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 02

By: Dreamweaver594



Thanks for taking the time to read my stories. If you're new to this series it would be best if you went back to the first chapter to understand some of the dynamics in this unique relationship. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel... 

Dreamweaver594 

***** 

Ryan woke up early Sunday morning and opened the blinds on his bedroom window. It was raining. Today was the first time he was going out with someone since his wife died. Today he was going on a date with Sarah. He stopped in the bathroom and gazed at the mirror. He looked a bit haggard. Maybe it was the late night he put in worrying about what was going to happen tonight. Is this crazy? Am I crazy? What would others think? What would they say behind my back? 

'He must be out with his daughter; a beautiful woman like her would never go on a date an old guy like that. She must be his daughter.' Or they would whisper, 'could she be a pro? She must be with a guy like that. Look at how slutty she's dressed.' 

Ryan had no idea how she was going to be dressed but it didn't matter. He shook the nasty thoughts out of his head. She was beautiful. She asked him out on a date, end of story. 

"Fuck'em, fuck'em all." 

He decided to clean his apartment. Cleaning things always pushed the dark thoughts out of his mind. Cleaning helped him get through his wife's cancer, cleaning, and cleaning, and more cleaning. He cleaned until the finish was worn off the kitchen counters. It had been a long, slow, and painful journey for her. He decided to start with his office first. 

By mid-afternoon the rain picked up again. It dribbled and dripped for most of the morning then started to pour about two o'clock. Ryan had spent most of the day sorting through stacks of old papers and file folders from previous semesters. They needed tossing out. He picked up a stuffed garbage bag filled with discarded paper when his phone chirped. He had a new text message and it was from Sarah. 

'Hi, it's yucky out so come to my apartment building and I'll buzz you in. See you in an hour.' 

"An hour!?" He glanced at the desk clock. "Crap, I need to get ready." Ryan dropped the garbage bag, a job for another day, and rushed to the back of his apartment to take a shower and dress. The nagging thoughts began again but he shook them off. He really liked being with Sarah and finally he was beginning to believe that he didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought about it. She was a beautiful woman and he was damn lucky to be on a date with her anywhere. 

*><*><* 

Ryan walked up to the apartment house and pushed the buzzer. Then he looked up to see Sarah looking out the front window of her third floor apartment. She waved to him. He smiled and waved back. A moment later he heard Sarah's voice on the speaker and a buzzer releasing the outer door. "Come on up, I'll be ready in a minute." 

Ryan walked up the three flights of stairs to Sarah's apartment, the one she was sharing with her older sister Anna and her two nephews. This was the place where Sarah, after three years of surviving on the street, was finally safe. It took a brutal beating by some twisted pervert to finally convince her to accept her sister's offer, even with all the conditions. Anna demanded that she stop living on the streets. She told her that she couldn't do tricks anymore; she needed to find a real job. And she couldn't tell her nephews the truth about who she was, at least not yet. Anna didn't think that they were old enough yet to understand that their Aunt Sarah used to be their Uncle Simon. 

Ryan reached the third floor and knocked on the apartment door. Bobby, Sarah's youngest nephew opened the door. 

"Hi Bobby, is Sarah ready?" 

"Yup, she'll be right out. You're supposed to wait on the couch." Bobby closed the door behind Ryan and locked both locks as Ryan walked over and sat down on the sofa. Bobby ran back to sit in front of the television. He picked up his game controller and pushed play. 

A moment later Sarah walked out of the bedroom hallway wearing a cashmere sweater dress with a simple gold chain necklace and matching earrings. Black patent leather heels and dark hose finished the look. 

Ryan stood as she walked towards the couch. "You look lovely tonight." This was a far cry from the baggy pants and ragged t-shirt she wore the first time they met. 

She smiled demurely. "Thank you." 

"Shall we go? We have a reservation for seven." 

"Let me tell Anna we're leaving." She turned and walked to the hallway. "Anna, we're going." 

"Just a moment, let me see you off," Anna shouted back from the back bedroom. She walked briskly towards the living room with a huge smile on her face. "Hello Ryan, it's nice to see you again." Anna was shorter than her younger sister but still taller than average. She was slender, her short brunette hair flipped behind her as she walked, and her smile was ever present. 

"It's good to see you too." For Ryan, Anna was his teammate in the battle to save Sarah. He took comfort in the fact that she was there to help and she often reminded him of that fact. 

"How's the writing going? Have you got an agent yet?" 

"The writing is going okay but the agent business is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Nobody seems to be interested in what I'm writing about. At least I still have my day job," he said with a chuckle. "Patience and courage are two sides of the same coin as the old saying goes." 

"Yes they are. I've read that it takes a while to find the right person willing to listen to what you have to say. If there's anything I can do just let me know." 

"Thanks Anna, I will." Ryan smiled then turned to Sarah and took her hand. "We should go." 

"Bye sis, see you later this evening." 

"Bye." 

"Bye Aunt Sarah," Bobby said barely able to pull his eyes away from his video game. 

As the door closed Ryan could hear Anna. "Bobby have you finished your homework?" 

*><*><* 

Ryan was amazed at how beautiful she looked as he listened to the click of her heels against the sidewalk pavement. Even though she was dressed rather conservatively, her dress clung to her feminine shape and accentuated her curves the way it hugged her body. She was, indeed, remarkably beautiful. 

The latest rain shower left tiny puddles on the sidewalk and even though most of it had stopped a while ago, large drops still fell from the trees overhead. He opened his umbrella like a tiny shelter as they walked to his car. 

He glanced over several times and watched her as she negotiated several small puddles along the way. She glanced back at him and he blushed when she caught him sneaking a peek at her. She laughed and entwined her arm in his, pulling him closer to her. That made his heart race faster and he secretly took several large breaths to calm it down. 

The restaurant was an upscale Japanese steakhouse called Shogun near the downtown area. She had never eaten sushi before but she told him she liked seafood so he knew she'd like the place. After the waiter, dressed in full yukuta, ushered them to a traditional Japanese table they both knelt down and got as comfortable as one could for a western couple sitting on cushions on the floor. 

"This is different," she whispered with a smirk. 

"If you're uncomfortable we can go," he offered with an earnest look. 

"No, no, it's okay. I think it's going to be fun. Just doing it in a dress is a bit odd. And you're going to have to show me how to use these." She pulled up a pair of chopsticks with both hands and started stabbing at her napkin. 

"Here, like this," he chuckle as he demonstrated how to hold them. "If it's too much they do have forks if you want." 

"I'll keep that in mind but for now I'm up for the adventure." 

Ryan picked up his menu and scanned the offerings. He'd been there before; he knew what he was going to order. 

"What's good?" She asked peeking over the top of her menu. 

"Just about everything but if you're not into raw fish, then you can steer clear of those dishes by looking for the tiny raw symbol by the description." 

"Oh, I see it, okay. What are you getting?" 

"A sushi platter, it's what I usually get." He tilted her menu and pointed to the description on the left. 

"That looks good, I'll order that too." 

"They have Kobe beef here if you're interested." 

"Nope, just the sushi platter. I'm not into beef that comes from cows who aren't free range." 

"How did you know that?" 

"I'm not a dummy, Mr. Sullivan, I read." 

"Miss Davies, you continue to amaze me every day," he said gazing at his menu again. 

She smiled demurely and stuck her nose back into the menu then she slowly lowered it and looked at Ryan with a winsome smile. 

He felt like she was watching him so he looked up. "What?" 

She shrugged. "Nothing." She buried her nose in the menu again. 

"Okay, you'll tell me when you're ready to tell me." 

She sighed and nodded. "I've wanted to tell you something for the longest time but I've never found the courage until now." 

"What brought this on?" 

"Something you said in the apartment about patience and courage." She peeked over the top of her menu again. "You don't know this but the day we first talked on the phone I was planning to kill myself that night. I had the pills and everything." 

All of the color dropped out of Ryan's face. He sat there stunned. 

"Your call saved me," she said tilting her head and smiling shyly. "I never thanked you for that. So, thank you." 

Ryan nodded then reached across the table and took her hand. "I'm glad you're still here." 

Sarah blushed scarlet and dropped her eyes. 

A woman arrived dressed in a traditional kimono. She knelt down beside the table and asked if they were ready to order. Ryan looked up and gestured to Sarah who ordered the sushi platter. 

"And I'll have the same," he said handing his menu to the woman who nodded and left. 

They sat quietly for a few minutes looking at their surroundings. The restaurant was tastefully decorated in traditional Japanese art. Sarah pointed out a couple of screens in particular. "Some of the screens depict traditional Kabuki wood block prints from the Edo period. And over there is a reproduction of a traditional shogun warrior in full battle armor. It was more for show that actual combat although it's not a bad reproduction." 

"How do you know so much about Japanese culture?" Ryan asked leaning around to get a closer look at the battle armor. 

"When I wasn't working before I moved in with my sister I spent a lot of time in the library," she said with a subtle smile. "Life can get pretty boring when all you do is wait for someone to call." 

Ryan's mouth dropped open and then he closed it while shaking his head and chuckling. "I was just thinking how amusing social prejudices and misconceptions are. Amused and disgusted at the same time. Did you graduate from high school?" 

"Just barely. I was incredibly bored. All they did was repeat what they said before in grade school and middle school. I get it, the Roman Empire expanded to Hadrian's Wall. Got it. The political destruction of the Tokugawa shogunate in Japan at the end of the Edo period was the direct result of actions by Commodore Perry and the clash of western culture. Okay, got it, let's move on to something new. But no, they just keep going over and over the same stuff. I got bored. I nearly quit but my sister made me finish." 

Ryan rested his chin in his hands as he listened to her with a wry smile on his face. 

"What?" 

"You're probably smarter than most of the kids I teach at the university. Want to go back to school?" 

"Only if I learn something new. If I'm bored, I'm gone." 

"I'll see what can be done. Brains and beauty, that's a dangerous combination." 

"Only for a criminal." 

A waiter brought their dinner and he picked up his chopsticks to point out a few things for her. 

"I usually pour a little of this to dip my sushi into." Ryan took a small saucer from the corner of the table and poured a some soy sauce into it. "And the ginger, yes, that stuff there, goes nice over some of the rolls. It helps clean the palate like wine does for western dishes. Oh, be careful of that stuff," he said pointing with his chopsticks at a small green lump of wasabi, "that stuff is wicked hot." 

"Really? I like hot stuff." 

"Well if that's the case then I've seen some folks mash the wasabi into their soy sauce. Yes, like that. Be careful, it's really hot." 

"Or you're being a big wuss." She dipped a roll into her soy sauce and popped into her mouth. "Oh fuck, that's hot!" Sarah downed her cup of tea in one gulp. Several people at other tables glanced over at her as she fanned her mouth with her hand. She wasn't sure if their attention was drawn because of her actions or the word "fuck". She decided it was probably the word knowing Japanese culture like she did. 

"Could we have some more tea please?" Ryan asked a passing waiter who nodded and disappeared. Sarah fanned her mouth as they waited for more tea. Then Ryan offered her his cup and she downed that in one gulp too. 

"Crap, that is hot." She reached across and smacked his shoulder playfully. "Stop laughing." 

"I'm trying not to but I told you so." 

"I know but I'm stubborn, remember? I need to use the restroom." She got up awkwardly and dashed off in the direction of the back of the restaurant while Ryan turned back to his meal. 

He thought of her comment about being stubborn and remembered the first day he met her. He had done a little background research into transgendered issues before he met her that day and he discovered some sobering statistics. 

*><*><* 

He scrolled down the webpage on his cellphone. 'If you are a transgender person, there's a seventy percent chance that you will consider killing yourself. If you are a transgender person, there's a fifty percent chance that you will attempt it. If you are a transgender person, there's a thirty percent chance that you will succeed. The facts don't lie.' He closed the browser on his cellphone and sighed. She was late. 

He looked down at his shoes as he leaned against a guardrail. Tiny dust devils swirled across the playground as the autumn leaves danced in the wind. Why was she late? This was going to be their first meeting but he was getting worried. Maybe she decided it wasn't worth it after all. He'd been waiting for twenty minutes for her to show up. The playground she mentioned was easy enough to find. Maybe he misunderstood. Maybe she thinks I'm too old, but I told her all about me over the phone. He kicked a small rock near his toe and it scooted across the dusty playground to land at the feet of a young woman standing twenty feet from him. 

"Hey. You Ryan? I'm Sarah." She was dressed in baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt that looked a bit ragged, well-worn running shoes, and a baseball cap pulled down to partially cover her eyes. Ryan stood up and waved shyly. 

He leaned forward and offered his hand but she stood motionless. "Hi, yes, I'm Ryan, you must be Sarah. Thanks for coming to meet me." He sat back against the railing and shoved his neglected hand back into his pocket. 

"Bobby, you and Michael can play on the swings over there. I'll be right here, okay?" 

"Okay Aunt Sarah." The two young boys who looked to be no more than ten and nine raced across the park to the swings. 

"So, what do you want to talk about?" Sarah asked with a guarded tone that bristled with hostility. She was nothing like the girl he talked to on the phone. It was like she was putting on an act, trying to look mean. It set him back a bit to adjust to her new demeanor. 

"Well, like I said on the phone, I would like to talk to you about your life. What it was like to live the way you did. And maybe to share a few details about your experiences." 

"Nothing much to say," she said taking a few steps closer and speaking softer. "I fucked guys and they fucked me. End of story." 

Ryan assumed that she lowered her voice and moved closer so that the boys couldn't overhear her so he dismissed the obvious threatening overtone. "Can you tell me a little bit about it?" 

She shoved her hands in her pockets and shrugged her shoulders. She leaned closer to him again with a subtle sneer. "Sure. I fucked them in the mouth. I fucked them in the ass. I even let a dozen frat boys fuck me when they paid me extra. My mouth and ass were dripping with cum. I loved it, fucking loved it. One time I even tied a couple of boys up and gagged them so nobody could hear them scream while I fucked them. They loved it. Have you ever been gagged and raped? How about I do it to you? Would you like that?" 

Ryan stood up and walked a few steps away from Sarah then he turned and stared at her. "If you're trying to shock me, don't bother. If this is some kind of game you like playing, I'm not interested." 

Sarah walked towards him seductively. Well as seductive as she could in baggy clothes without makeup. She put a hand on his chest and began to rub him all over. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure her nephews couldn't see her then she started to slip her hand down his pants. 

"Is this what you want instead baby? You want a little action?" She stood back and slapped him hard on the face. "Or maybe you're into a little S&M play? Huh? I can do a little Fifty Shades on your ass as soon as the boys head back inside." 

Ryan stood like a statue and stared at her. She moved closer and pulled her hand back to slap him again but he didn't flinch, he just stood there. She grabbed his chin and held his face close to hers as he continued to stare at her. 

"Well, do you?" she sneered as she stared into his eyes. 

Ryan thought about what had just taken place. At first she tried to be mean and angry, then she tried to seduce him. Now she was hitting him, trying to tempt him into some sort of twisted S&M play. Was she doing all of this to try to get a rise out of him? Or did she just see him as another 'trick' to be fucked and discarded? It was very confusing at first. It was if she wanted him to beat her...as if that was the only way she knew how to behave. 

"Be quiet and take your hands off of me." 

Sarah backed off a few steps and glared at him. 

"If this is your response to what we agreed upon then we're through before we even get started. I came here to meet you and talk to you honestly about your life and your experiences. If you see it like some sort of game then we have nothing further to discuss. But if you want to do this, like you said you did, then you need to stop the bullshit and be honest with yourself and with me." 

"As frightening as it sounds, you are just going to have to trust me. I won't beat you; I won't try to fuck you. I just want to talk to you honestly and openly about your life. I know it might be a bit daunting; perhaps more distressing than anything you've ever done before." He paused a moment. She dropped her eyes and began to shake her head slowly. 

"Because to be brutally honest with yourself, to drop all the pretenses and peal back all the bullshit that we wrap around us in order to protect ourselves from the truth of who we really are, is terrifying. You can say no at anytime and it's over. I will walk away and we will never speak again. That's the only control I'm willing to give you. Is that what you want?" 

* * * 

Sarah looked down at her feet and nudged a rock with her toe. She looked up and squinted in the afternoon sun then she shielded her eyes and looked at Ryan. She felt like shit for acting the way she did. Deep down inside she knew that she needed this more than he did. Somehow, she knew that talking about her life with Ryan, a complete stranger willing to listen, was exactly what would keep her alive. And she wanted to be alive. Maybe it would help her exorcise all the demons that clouded her mind, the ones that wanted her to end it like she planned to do before she met him. She turned her head and sighed. I'm so fucking stupid, she thought with a grimace. 


Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 02



She took a big breath and let it out slowly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know who you really were. I was afraid that you might hurt me. Being safe...it's important to who I am now. I guess I misjudged you, like I've done for so many other things in my life." 

She could see the tension release from his shoulders. They were nice shoulders. He had a nice face too. It was kind and soft and his eyes...they were so very gentle. She could get lost in those eyes. She could see the red mark her slap made on his cheek. The thought of it now, and that she hurt him, made her wince. 

He squinted in the late afternoon sun and looked over to where her nephews were playing. "So no more bullshit?" 

"Nope, no more bullshit. No more lies and no more fantasy," she said softly. 

He walked forward and offered his hand and Sarah held it. 

"But I get to ask a question in return." 

He shrugged his shoulders, "Agreed." 

They shook hands. She turned and walked across the park to gather up her nephews. She stood watching him for a moment while her youngest nephew Michael, tied his shoelaces. Then, taking the children's hands, she left him standing there while the autumn wind played with the leaves at his feet. 

*><*><* 

Ryan glanced up from his reverie to see her sit back down on the cushion. She smiled meekly and slowly slid the bowl with the soy sauce and wasabi to the end of the table. She raised an eyebrow as a warning for him not to tease her and he complied with her wishes, offering only a wry grin. 

"So. Do you have a boyfriend?" He asked calmly as if nothing had happened before that moment. He nimbly set a piece of pickled ginger on a sushi roll with his chopsticks. 

"No." 

"Do you have a lover?" 

"No." She picked up her chopsticks and carefully picked up a sushi roll. 

"Do you have friends outside of your family?" he asked then he stuffed the piece of sushi in his mouth. 

"Yes...one." 

"Hmm." He paused while he cleared his mouth. "Any one I know?" 

"Yes...you." 

Ryan smiled and nodded then placed another roll of sushi into his mouth. They finished the rest of their meal in silence. Twenty minutes later they walked out of the restaurant towards his car. 

She smiled sweetly and reached over and took his hand. "It was good, thank you." 

"I'm glad you liked it. I thought since you said you liked seafood you'd probably like sushi." 

"I did, thanks. I don't know why I never tried it before." 

Ryan opened the passenger door for her and she slipped onto the passenger seat. She pulled her dress up and out of the way while he closed her door. He walked around the car and got in behind the wheel. 

"What's next?" She asked clicking her seatbelt closed. 

"A movie at the Bijou if you're interested." 

"Which one?" 

"It's one of my favorites, Casablanca. Have you ever seen it?" 

"Nope. It's a world war two action film isn't it?" 

"There's some of that in it but there's a lot more." 

She glanced over at him as he pulled his car out of the parking lot. "It's one your favorites, huh?" 

He nodded and turned the corner. 

"You can tell a lot about a person by the books they read and the movies they like." 

"Yes you can, what's your favorite movie?" 

"Hmmm. I don't have just one but the first one to comes to mind is Chinatown." 

"Oh. Roman Polanski. I like that one too." 

She looked out the passenger window as the buildings and passing cars whizzed by. 

*><*><* 

"Would you like me to drop you off in front of the theatre while I try to find a place to park?" 

"No, I'll be fine. I used to spend all evening wearing heels like this so a little walking won't harm me but thanks." 

Ryan managed to find a spot only two blocks away from the movie theatre. The Bijou was located in a trendy upscale neighborhood. The streets were lined with little shops and bistros, sidewalk cafes and boutiques. It wasn't a part of the city that Sarah had ever visited before. She loved all the store windows filled with everything from art and craft work to books, movie posters and memorabilia. She wanted so much to be a part of this world but she felt out of place, like an intruder until Ryan took her hand and that seemed to wash all those thoughts away. She smiled up at him and squeezed his hand gently hoping he would understand. 

They walked over to the ticket booth and he took out a little coupon book. 

"They sell coupons?" 

"Yeah, I come here often enough so it saves me a few bucks." Ryan pushed open the double doors that led to the lobby and held them for her. 

"Do they show new releases here?" 

"Sometimes but this is more of an art house where they offer classics and foreign films more than first run stuff. You can see those at the Cineplex. I come here for the good stuff." 

"But can't you see these films on cable tv?" 

"You can, but there's something about see a film on the big screen that puts the magic back into going to the movies." 

He ushered her to a set of steps that led to the balcony. "Now here's the real reason I go to the Bijou." He whispered as they started climbing the steps. Once they arrived at the top of the stairs he swept his hand over the view. "The balcony. Best seats in the house are center front, second row." 

"Why not the front row?" 

"The railing gets in the way. Besides, I'm a little acrophobic. It's a bit of a drop." 

She glanced over the front rail of the balcony and nodded. Then she joined him in the second row. 

A moment later the curtain that covered the projection screen began to draw back and the previews started to play. There was a preview about a Spanish film and a German film and another classic, The Wizard of Oz. 

"Oh, I've always wanted to see that one on the big screen," she whispered. 

"Okay, it's a date." He handed her a brochure that listed all the movies that were scheduled in the theatre and when they were shown. "Find a day when you're free and we'll go. It's a perfect film to see from the balcony," he added with a big grin. 

The movie started and suddenly they were whisked away to exotic Morocco and the outside world didn't exist anymore. Sarah reached across and took his hand. It felt warm and nice in hers. She hadn't felt like this for a very long time and she didn't want it to end. 

*><*><* 

After the movie he drove her home and walked her to the entry door to her apartment building in silence. She turned and kissed him on the cheek and he smiled then he leaned towards her and returned the kiss on her cheek. 

Sarah reached over and fussed with the collar of his coat for a moment. "Can I see you tomorrow?" 

"You can see me any time you want. I have classes until 3pm. So whenever." 

"Can I see you at school?" 

"Sure, my office is in Brighton Hall, room 320. But if you come there I'll put you to work." 

"Doing what?" 

"Filing and registering student project work...It's endless and tedious so I can always use the help." 

"Ok. I'll be there at 1pm," she said with an impish smile. 

"You'll have a long wait," he replied with a smirk. 

She shrugged and then turned to go. He held her hand a moment and turned her back to him. 

"Thank you," he said holding her hands in his. 

Her eyes twinkled with mischief. "You're welcome, but wait until you see if my help is any good." 

"It will be, I'm sure of it," he replied letting go and stepping towards the sidewalk in front of the building. 

She stood there a moment outside of her apartment as he walked towards his car. On her face a gentle smile emerged as a thought played across her mind. It was something she didn't want to believe could happen but she knew that somewhere deep down inside her soul she wanted it to be...just once, she wanted it to be. 

***** 

A NOTE TO THE READER: 

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names, and the places that they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental. 

If you believe in coincidence I'm happy for you. However, if you read my other stories you know that I do not, but the lawyers like to see that word in there anyway. 

Thank you for reading my work, I hope you enjoyed it. If this is the first time you've read one of my stories, welcome. I hope you take a look at the rest of my work. If you are a returning reader, welcome back, it's nice to see old friends.



Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 03



Thanks for taking the time to read my stories. If you're new to this series it would be best if you went back to the first chapter to understand some of the dynamics in this unique relationship. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel...

Dreamweaver594

*****

=ONE=

Ryan glanced at the wall clock; it was nearly one o'clock and time for his next class. He gathered up a pile of graded papers and reports off his desk and tossed them into his brief case. He went back to his computer, closed the article he was reading on his USB drive, and pulled it out of the machine. He needed his PowerPoint slides for the next lecture. Looking around to make sure he had everything, he opened his office door to find Sarah reaching forward to knock on it. 

"Hi."

"Oh, hello. I'm just heading to class."

She slipped past him and walked over to sit on a chair across the room. "Okay."

He caught a faint whiff of her perfume mixed with the delicate fragrance of her shampoo as she walked by.

"I'll be back in an hour or so. There are drinks in the mini fridge if you're thirsty." He pulled a stack of papers from a shelf in the back of the room and handed them to her. "Can you sort these alphabetically and stack them on my desk?" She nodded. "Thanks." He dashed out the door and down the hallway.

* * *

Sarah sat her purse and a shopping bag down on the chair and thumbed through the stack of papers. From the looks of it they were already graded so she assumed he wanted them sorted to make data entry easier. Twenty minutes later she had them piled neatly on his desk. She looked around the room. It wasn't what she imagined a college professor's office would look like. The walls were lined with bookshelves, which she expected, but the bookshelves weren't always filled with books. Some were stuffed with stacks and stacks of papers, some in folders but many were not. In front of one of the bookshelves there were boxes of wires and cables labeled miscellaneous computer parts. Along the far wall, a mounted deer head with huge antlers hung staring off into space. It looked like it was wondering how it ended up mounted on a wooden plaque. Along the other side of a metal cabinet, a stand of what looked like medieval swords and pikes were placed in the corner. She smirked. No, this was not what she expected a college professor's office to look like. 

She stood in the middle of the disorder and shook her head. She sighed a bit then set about to bring some order out of the chaos he called his office. She was in the middle of organizing the second bookshelf when someone knocked on the open office door. 

She turned and smiled. "Hello."

A pleasant looking woman who looked to be about Sarah's age smiled back then poked her head around the half opened door. "Is Professor Sullivan in?"

"No, he's in class. I think he'll be back in a while if you'd like to come back."

The young woman frowned a bit and then looked at Sarah suspiciously. "Who are you?" The woman stared at Sarah for a moment longer. 

Sarah was beginning to feel uncomfortable but she extended her hand anyway. "I'm Sarah, a friend of Ryan's. I'm just helping him out a little."

The woman ignored her hand. Her eyes narrowed as if she saw something she didn't expect. "I haven't seen you before. You're not a student here are you?" 

"Nope, just a friend." Sarah turned back to continue straightening a pile of folders.

"I don't believe Professor Sullivan would like it if you were in his office rooting around in his files. Some of them are personal research files I might add, not for just anyone to go sniffing through."

Sarah's eyes narrowed. "You must have rooted through them yourself if you know what they are then, huh?"

"I am the second assistant to the secretary for the sociology department," she said with her nose pointed rather high, "It's my job to know what the professors are researching. I think it's time you leave Professor Sullivan's office before I call security."

"I think Professor Sullivan can decide for himself who can be in his office and who can not, Miss Cavanaugh." Ryan stood directly behind the young woman in the hallway; his arms were filled with a new stack of papers and folders.

"Oh, P-Professor Sullivan, I didn't see you. I-I was just trying to find out why this PERSON was in your office. I-I mean it's obvious that she isn't a student here, in fact, I'm not even sure she's a woman." Miss Cavanaugh turned her beady eyes towards Sarah. "You aren't a woman are you? You're just play-acting aren't you?"

Ryan saw the murderous look in Sarah's eyes and he stepped quickly between her and Miss Cavanaugh. "I see. Tell me something, Miss Cavanaugh. I noticed that you're wearing a Christian cross around your neck. Do you consider yourself a good Christian?" 

The young woman's hand moved quickly to touch her necklace gently. "Of course, First Bap..."

"I don't need to know the denomination, Miss Cavanaugh, it's not important," Ryan said interrupting. "I wonder, didn't Jesus say to all who would listen, to judge not lest you be judged?"

"Well, yes he did, but I wasn't..."

"Wasn't what? Wasn't judging? It sure seemed that way to me. I'm a little concerned Miss Cavanaugh. For someone who presents herself as a model student intent on doing social work as a career, you seemed to be awfully quick to unfairly judge others. Sarah is my friend. If you judge her then you're judging me. Do you accept the responsibility to judge? Or is it that you really just want to feel superior to anyone by condemning something or someone you couldn't possibly understand? From my perspective you're behaving like a selfish little child who pretends to be a good Christian when in fact you're nothing more than one of the Pharisees that Jesus denounced." 

Ryan shoved his office door closed, slamming it in the face of Miss Cavanaugh. 

"Ohhh!" She squealed and stomped her foot, then she stormed off down the hallway.

"Serves her right the little twit."

Sarah fought to hide the smirk that was growing on her face as she stood in front of the bookshelf she had been organizing. She glanced over to watch Ryan sit behind his desk. She'd heard it all before, the superior tone, and the hurtful words. She looked at Ryan with a sense of melancholy and sweetness wrapped into one expression. Then she turned back to the bookshelf and finished re-stacking his books and papers.

His office fell silent for a while; Sarah didn't want to talk about the obvious. She was glad that Ryan didn't want to talk about it either. She played the whole scene over in her head again. That was the first time that anyone outside of her sister had ever stood up for her in front of another. She glanced at him again. He was busy typing on his computer. She wondered if he knew the significance of what he just did. Probably not. She assumed that people like Ryan have never lived under the sneer of others who enjoyed looking down their noses at anyone different from them. 

She turned back to thumb through several more shelves of books until she came across a book by Henry Melville. She picked it up and studied the jacket cover. She felt the weight of it; it was heavy. She looked inside; the print was small. 

"Can I borrow a book to read?"

"Sure, which one?"

"Moby Dick."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Absolutely, just bring it back when you've finished it."

A tiny smile slipped across Sarah's face as she slipped the book into her shopping bag and replaced the bag on the back of the chair. "I've just been sorting through things trying to straighten up."

"I see that, thank you." He continued clicking keys on the computer keyboard.

Sarah paused a moment and watched him work. "Is there something you'd rather that I be doing?"

Ryan stopped his typing with a flourish. "And send. There, now what did you say?"

"Oh, sorry. Is there something you want me to do?"

"Yes. Come and sit here." Ryan stood and gestured towards the seat at the computer. Sarah slipped past him and sat somewhat uncomfortably in his seat at the desk. 

He leaned over her shoulder and took control of the mouse. He was so close to her. For a brief moment she wanted to kiss him, but she resisted the urge. The timing was wrong. As he leaned forward to look closely at the computer monitor she could smell the shampoo in his hair. It was a masculine smell and she liked it. She wanted to run her fingers through his hair and tickle his ears. A smile was all she could manage, as her mind raced through a dozen naughty things she wanted to do, but didn't.

"I want you to do this data entry for me. Here, I opened up the grade book program to the correct section." He glanced back at her to see if she was paying attention. She smiled and nodded so he continued. "Just match the name and their grade to the name there on the grade sheet. Enter the number and repeat."

She entered several numbers and pressed 'Enter', flipping over the graded sheets of paper as she entered the student's score.

"That's it. Easy and boring at the same time." He moved around the desk to sit on a small couch under the deer head that Sarah noticed earlier. "I'll be over here grading the next batch if you need me."

She took a big breath then let it out slowly. She didn't want to breathe while he was so close as if breathing would break the spell. She smiled then looked up from her pile of papers and nodded towards the deer head. "Did you shoot Bambi?"

"Huh?" Ryan looked up to follow her glance up and chuckled. "Oh, no, it's a stage prop from the theatre department. They used it last year in a play and I liked it so much they said it would be safer in my office then in their storage. So they let me keep it until they need it again."

"Have you ever hunted?"

"Yes, when I was younger. Mostly birds though. There weren't many deer around where I was when I was a kid."

"Where was that?" The keys on the keyboard clicked furiously as Sarah returned to her data entry.

"Nebraska."

"Nebraska! I've never met anyone from Nebraska."

"Well now you can cross that one off your list."

The office grew quiet once again as Ryan sorted through papers that needed his attention while Sarah worked quickly on his computer. She glanced several more times at Ryan between the grades she entered. This was nice. She felt needed, it was something that she wasn't used to but something that she knew she wanted. It wasn't earth shattering, entering grades on a computer. But it was something and it felt good. As simple as it was she felt like it was something worthwhile.

She glanced at the clock on the computer. "It's nearly three o'clock, I've got to head home to meet the boys at three-thirty when they get home from school."

"I bet Anna really appreciates you being there for Bobby and Matthew."

She closed the window on the computer and stood up from the desk. "It's the least I can do for free-loading off her for now."

"Are you looking for a job?"

"Yeah, but there aren't a lot of jobs that let me be off when I need to be home for the boys. I'll keep looking. I'm bound to find something sooner or later." She picked up her bag from the chair and turned to Ryan at the office door. "See you tomorrow?"

"You're always welcome. Hey, are you free this Friday?"

"I can be, why?"

"I noticed that there was a new exhibit at the art museum. Want to go?"

"I'd like that. When?"

"How about I pick you up at your apartment at one o'clock? We can be back to your place by three thirty to meet the boys."

"Okay. Bye." She closed the door gently and walked off down the hallway. She glanced over her shoulder to see if Miss Cavanaugh was lurking nearby but she wasn't around. She knew girls like Cavanaugh well enough to know that what happened was only the first skirmish. She would have to keep an eye out for her if she wanted to hang out with Ryan at the university and that was something she was really beginning to like.

=TWO=

At one o'clock Ryan pulled up in front of Sarah's apartment building. He pushed a button and the passenger window rolled down. "Are you ready?"

"Yup." She bounded across the sidewalk and stood next to his car with a flounce and a huge smile on her face. 

He leaned across and opened the passenger door and she slipped into the seat.

"Here," she handed back the book she borrowed on Monday.

"Did you read it?"

"Yes."

"All of it?"

"Yes-s-s." She drew the word out as if exasperated that he would ever doubt her word. "There were boring parts but it was pretty good."

"Melville isn't an easy read neither is Joyce."

"I know. When I was in high school, Melville was on the required reading list. But I was too stupid to appreciate the gift I was getting at the time."

Ryan leaned over and lifted his hand to cradle her chin. He tilted her head up to look into her eyes. "You, Sarah, were never stupid, naïve maybe but never stupid."

"Whatever," she said turning her head away and trying to put on a bluff. 

"Do you want to read another?"

She glanced sideways at him. "What do you have?"

"Faulkner or Orwell."

"Animal Farm or Brave New World?"

"Brave New World," he said handing it to her.

"Thanks." She stuffed the book into her bag with a smile on her face that told the world that he was forgiven forever doubting her word. "What's the exhibit we're going to see?"

Ryan's eyes twinkled with excitement as he pulled away from the curb and turned his car towards downtown at the stop sign ahead. "There's a touring show on early 20th century painters called 'The Fauves'. It's some pretty wild stuff and I thought you might like it. It's the main attraction this month but the general collection is worth seeing too if you haven't been there in a while."

"I've never been there."

"What? They never took you to the museum when you were in school?"

"Nope. I guess they didn't think it was all that important. You know, art was my favorite subject all through school, even high school. I took it as an elective every semester. I got good grades too." She glanced at Ryan who was grinning like a Cheshire cat. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing's funny, I am just happy."

"Why?"

"Because I get to take you to the museum for the first time."

She smiled subtly and her cheeks blushed as she turned to look out the passenger window at the houses passing by.

Twenty minutes later, Ryan pulled into the museum parking lot.

"Does it cost anything to enter?"

"Not a dime, which makes it doubly disappointing to hear that you never went here when you were a kid."

She shrugged and wrapped her arm around Ryan's and they walked up the steps to the museum entrance. Inside a group of volunteers handed them a brochure. As they passed by the donation box Ryan dropped in a five dollar bill.

"If it's free, why did you put that in there?"

"Nothing's free, they're just trying to survive off of donations and museums cost a lot to keep open."

She snorted. "Five bucks isn't enough to keep this place alive."

"Maybe, but every little bit helps. Besides it'll probably pay for the brochure you're holding so at least I can help that way. Let's go off to the Egyptian exhibit first." He pointed off to the right.

She led the way through a side entrance off the main lobby. "Oh, cool, mummies!"

*>

They walked for nearly an hour weaving from Egyptian antiquities to Victorian furniture & glassware. Sarah was like a kid in a candy shop. She was incredibly curious and full of questions. What Ryan didn't know or couldn't decipher from the description placards they asked a nearby museum guide for the answers.

As they reentered the lobby Ryan noticed a lobby display banner announcing a special exhibit that focused on the art of children of incarcerated parents. "Let's go in there next."

Sarah shrugged her shoulders. "Okay."

They walked into the first room and looked at paintings and drawings that depicted life at home while their parents were gone. One particular painting showed a room surrounded by prison bars. Sarah studied it for a long time. Ryan moved on to other drawings and then returned to stand by her side.

"Do you like it?"

She sighed. "No, not really. It just reminded me of my life before I moved in with my sister."

"How so?"

"When I was living on the street I sometimes felt like I was living inside a cage with invisible bars that kept me from reaching out to really touch someone. My sister was my only connection to the real world and I rarely saw her."

Ryan was silent for a moment. He looked at Sarah standing there staring intently at a drawing that she didn't like and connecting with the artist at a level he could never attain. Living in a cage with invisible bars. He thought about that, trying to imagine what that kind of life was like. It made him think about the second time they met months ago on a beautiful fall day. It was an Indian summer sort of day when nature retreats for a moment from its desire to march relentlessly towards winter and gives the world a respite from the cold winds ahead. 

Sarah was wearing a pretty summer dress in yellow with a bright floral design. It was a far cry from the baggy pants and ragged shirt she wore the first time they met. She carried a light sweater over her shoulders with the sleeves tied loosely at her neck. She finished the look with a pair of brown leather sandals. Ryan wore blue jeans, a khaki shirt, and running shoes. He smiled awkwardly as she walked up to him leading her two nephews into the park.

They met near the park swings where Sarah turned the boys loose, and then they wandered towards a bench on the far side beneath a huge old oak tree.

Sarah brushed some leaves off the bench and sat near the middle so that she wouldn't be too far from Ryan. She smiled and patted the bench, indicating where he should sit. "Before we start, I want to ask a question. It's been burning a hole in my brain every since our first conversation."

Ryan sat down and moved to face her directly. "Okay."

"Why? Why write about this? Why write about something that no one else cares about? Why write about throwaway people like me?"

At the mention of the word throwaway, Ryan's broad smile disappeared and was replaced by a serious frown. "Well, first of all, you are not a throwaway person, you never have been and you never will be. There are people in this world who love you and care about you. Calling yourself a 'throw-away-person' really makes me angry so please don't ever say that again. You're a beautiful human being, Sarah. Yes, you're troubled, you're angry, and you're confused. I get that. But you're also incredibly brave."

"Brave?" She scoffed.

"Yes, brave. You've decided to make a change in your life that most people would never do for fear of what others might think or do. That's courageous and that's why I ask these questions. Because I want to understand someone who chooses to fly in the face of everything to chart your own course, to find your own way in the world, regardless of what others might say or do. You are amazing. Sarah Daniels. It fascinates me to know someone like you."

She turned away and blushed. She didn't know how to handle such intense honesty. She wasn't prepared for it. She'd only known a world filled with selfishness and deception. They sat silent for a few minutes and watched the boys play on the swings.

"Was it dangerous working as a transgendered prostitute?"

"Yes."

Ryan lips curled into a wry grin. He could see that she was going to need some coaxing.

"What was it like?"

"Like living every moment in a special type of purgatory. Either you were being pushed to the physical limits of endurance or you stood alone on a street corner facing constant rejection and contempt."

"Have you ever been raped?"

"Yes, a couple of times. One guy nearly killed me. He was a twisted little fucker who thought I was some sort of punching bag or something the way he beat me. I vowed then that I was never going to let something like that ever happen again. Now I carry knives." 




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 03



"More than one?"

She looked at him with searing intensity and snorted. "You have no clue do you? How could you possibly understand? You've never been beaten nearly to death have you?"

"I have."

She turned to him shocked. "What? When?"

"A long time ago. It was the nineteen seventies. I was barely out of high school. It was at the tail end of a war that this country had no business fighting. But I was a soldier and I was trained to follow orders. My unit was trapped in a firefight that lasted most of the night. By morning only three of us were left and they overran our position. We ended up in a camp in Cambodia. I saw two of my buddies die right in front of me. I knew I was next and would have been if it weren't for those "bufs" dropping eggs where they weren't supposed to."

"Bufs?"

"Big Ugly Fuckers. That's we called B-52s in those days. They were making daily bombing runs out of Utapao, Thailand every fifteen minutes like clockwork. One of those runs saved my life. But that was a long time ago. I don't carry knives any more."

* * *

Sarah sat dumbfounded as her eyes began to glisten. She turned away and wiped them quickly. They both were silent for a long time after that. She reached out and took his hand to hold it tightly in hers. That was the first time she held his hand. It was the first time he shocked her out of her smug assumption of who he was. It was the first time she realized just how much this all meant to both of them.

"Bobby, put that stick down. And tell your brother to stop kicking those rocks," she shouted at her nephews.

Ryan took a big breath and let it out slowly. "You said you wanted to ask me a question. Do you have something you want to know?" 

"How did your wife die?"

"Cervical cancer."

"Fuck, that sucks."

Ryan picked up a stick and used it to trace tiny circles in the gravel at his feet. "Yeah, it still does."

"What was her name?"

"Teresa."

"How long were you married?"

"Twenty-eight years."

"Oh." She sighed.

* * *

Ryan gazed off across the park. He didn't want to think about Teresa, the pain was still there, lurking in the shadows, and the loneliness too. He hated living alone. He hated that big lonely house that they bought together. His apartment was better; there were fewer things to remind him that she was gone.

He turned back towards Sarah with a faint smile on his face. "Was there any one person who stood out as somebody you wanted to get to know outside of your work?"

"There might have been several but I tried not to think about it too much. Most of the guys I spent time with then were there for a quick fuck and that was the end of it. There was a boy I met the first year I was working who seemed kind of special but when his friends found out about me they teased him mercilessly. I never saw him again."

"How did your dates find you?"

"Craig's List. I had a computer that my mom bought me for graduating from high school. I would hang out in the public library or Starbucks, anywhere I could get free Wi-Fi."

"So if they came to you, where did you go?"

"Motels mostly. Some of them were okay; some others were pretty skanky. They smelled of mold and cigarettes."

"You said that sometimes guys would get rough with you. Did you ever hurt someone back?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"I stabbed a guy once."

Ryan turned and looked at her incredulously. "Why?"

"He owed me money and he was trying to bust me."

"Did you kill him?"

"No but I thought about it. I called the paramedics instead then I called a cab and just left him laying there."

"Where was he?"

"In his home, his wife was at work and his kids were in school."

"Did he come after you?"

"I hid out for a while but he never found me."

"If he had found you what would you have done?"

"Told his wife and kids."

"Oh." Ryan shook his head.

"He was a big time local politician. He spent his time bragging that he was a leader of the community. That's probably what kept him from looking for me. He acted like he could give a shit about his family. Votes were all that mattered to him. "

Ryan sat a moment looking out at nothing and trying to absorb all of this. "Would you ever stab me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you would never do something like that."

"How do you know?"

"I just do. You learn to be a pretty good judge of people after a while if you are going to survive on the streets. I could tell on the phone that you weren't someone who was going to try to fuck me up."

"Because I sounded like a weak person?"

"You're not weak, you're the strongest person I've ever met. Right here," she looked steadily into his eyes and tapped a finger on his chest over his heart.

"And you can tell that? How?"

She shrugged and looked away.

*>

Ryan walked back into the last room of the special exhibit and found Sarah staring at a small sculpture of a child looking through a window. "It's getting to be three o'clock, I suppose we should probably go." He pulled at Sarah's hand and led her out of the exhibit hall.

"Can we come back here again soon?"

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and gave her a little hug. "Of course, anytime they're open and you have free time."

She smiled meekly. "Thanks, but I'd like it better if we went together."

"Okay, how about next week? We can make it a Friday thing until we get bored with it."

She nodded as they walked out of the front entrance of the museum toward the parking lot. Ryan wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she wrapped hers around his waist. The sunlight filtered through the trees overhead leaving a dappled pattern of light and shadow on the sidewalk that danced across their shoulders as they walked. It was magical. 

*>

At the bus stop Sarah waited in Ryan's car for the school bus to arrive. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

Ryan shrugged his shoulders and gazed off through the windshield. "Nothing much. Saturday's are for house cleaning and laundry, plus some grocery shopping, boring domestic stuff. Why?"

"I like boring domestic stuff."

"You lie like a rug, Sarah Daniels. You hate domestic stuff, you told me that the second time we met."

"I did not, I said I hated doing my own laundry but I wouldn't mind helping you with yours." 

He scoffed and she punched his shoulder playfully.

About then the school bus screeched to a halt. She leaned across and held his face in her hands then planted a big kiss on his lips. When they parted she smiled seductively and giggled.

Ryan opened his mouth and was about to speak when she placed her index finger over his lips. "Don't you dare tell me how old you are Ryan Sullivan, I don't want to hear it. I'm a big girl, I know what I'm doing and right now all I want to do is kiss you." She leaned forward and hesitated, her lips lingering a hair's breadth away from his. "I'm so glad I answered your note on craigslist. It was the luckiest day of my life." She closed the distance between them and kissed him again.

Her nephews jumped out of the school bus to land on the ground and started running towards Ryan's car. Sarah opened her door and got out. She closed the door then leaned down to look back at Ryan with a sweet smile. "Thanks for taking me to the museum. It was wonderful. Ooff!" Her nephews collided with her and grabbed her into two big bear hugs. They released her and pushed in beside her to look through the window at Ryan.

"Hey Ryan, what cha'doing?" Bobbie grinned; a front tooth was missing.

"Just dropping off your Aunt Sarah. We went to the museum today. What happened to your big tooth?"

"Michael knocked it out last night when we were wrestling. It was loose anyway. I put it under my pillow and the tooth fairy left me a whole dollar!" Bobby pulled a dollar out of his pants pocket and pushed it through the window for Ryan to see.

Ryan grinned. "Man, you'll be rich before you know it if you keep that up." 

"I know! Me and Michael, we have a plan."

"What's that?"

"If we save all our money from the tooth fairy we could get that new game we wanted."

"Don't you want to save it for something really special?"

Michael tried to grab at the dollar that Bobbie was waving in front of Ryan. "See Bobbie, I told you he would say that."

"All right you two, that's enough."

"Hey you guys, ask your mom if you can go with me to the ball game on Sunday." He glanced at Sarah with a wink. "I think there's a matinee home game that starts around noon."

Bobbie ducked back into the window pushing Michael aside. "Baseball? That would be so cool. You want to go Michael?"

"Yeah, but Mom says we have to clean our room on Sundays."

Sarah laughed and pushed Bobbie's head back out of the window. "Well just clean it tomorrow so it will be done already. All right you two, go over there and wait while I say goodbye to Ryan." 

Her nephews grinned and high-fived then sauntered over to the bus stop bench to wait for their Aunt.

"Thank you. You know you don't have to do that."

"Ah, they're guys, going to a baseball game is a guy thing. Besides, I want to go and what better way to go to a game than with a couple of kids to tag along. You want to go too?"

"I wouldn't miss it." She blew him an air kiss then leaned back and stood up. 

"See ya!" Ryan pulled away from the curb and watched Sarah and the boys walk down the sidewalk towards their apartment in his rear view mirror. 

Sunday was going to be fun.

*****

A NOTE TO THE READER:

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names, and the places that they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental.

If you believe in coincidence I'm happy for you. However, if you read my other stories you know that I do not, but the lawyers like to see that word in there anyway.

Thank you for reading my work, I hope you enjoyed it. If this is the first time you've read one of my stories, welcome. I hope you take a look at the rest of my work. If you are a returning reader, welcome back, it's nice to see old friends.



Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 04



Laundry and Baseball

Thanks for taking the time to read my stories. If you're new to this series it would be best if you went back to the first chapter to understand some of the dynamics in this unique relationship. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel...

Dreamweaver594

=ONE=

Ryan lifted his head to stare bleary eyed at his alarm clock blaring an awful buzzing sound from across the room. His wife placed it there twenty years ago because, never a morning person, he was too fond of the snooze button. It read eight o'clock. 

He stumbled out of his bedroom and walked to the front door of his apartment. The morning newspaper should have arrived by now. After fumbling with the lock for a minute he managed to open the door to find Sarah sitting on the floor outside of his apartment reading the newspaper. 

"You know, any more the newspaper is just becoming a one sheet; the crime report and the funnies, two sides of the same page. You can take that as a comment on the current state of our society."

Ryan wiped the sleep out of his eyes as he stood in the doorway. "What are you doing here this early? We're not meeting in the park until one, right?"

She lifted up a bag of cleaning supplies. "I'm here to help." Wearing a grin from ear to ear, she pushed past him to stand in the middle of his living room. 

Around her were scattered magazines and newspapers stacked on top of books and file folders. There were a couple of messy dinner plates stained with food on the coffee table and a few too many beer bottles shoved under it.

"This place is a disaster! What is it with boys? Do you all live like pigs?"

"Hey! I resemble that remark. Don't you have to watch the boys?"

"Nope, they're off to a friend's house today for a birthday party. You got my help all day long. We can meet here while scrubbing your bathroom."

"How did you get over here?"

Sarah grabbed a trash bag and began stuffing cans, bottles, and assorted trash into it. "I borrowed Anna's car."

"Humph. Have you had breakfast?"

"Just coffee."

"That's more than me. Give me a minute, Sarah, I'll put on some clean clothes and we'll go get breakfast."

"Why? I can cook."

"Not when there's nothing to make." Ryan walked into the kitchen and pulled out coffee filters and a bag of ground coffee. "This stuff will make the purists in Seattle scoff but it sort of looks and tastes like coffee when it's brewed." Make us a pot for later, I'll be right back."

He sauntered down the hallway towards the bathroom and quietly closed the door. Sarah looked around for a coffee maker then found a funnel device to put over a carafe. 

While the coffee was slowly percolating through the grounds and filter she glanced over to see an old clock radio perched above the refrigerator. She smirked a little as she reached across and flipped the switch. After a buzz and a hiss the radio came to life. A tuneful theme song played for a few seconds then she heard the announcer.

"It's Saturday morning and this is Weekend Edition on National Public Radio. I'm Scott Simon..." She shook her head as the radio turned to static when she changed the station.

She moved the tuner dial to a piano jazz station. That was much better than 'yak radio'. She moved her lithe body to the rhythm of the music as she poured the rest of the hot water through the coffee filter.

A couple of minutes later, Ryan reemerged from his bedroom wearing slacks, a golf shirt, and sandals.

"Go brush your hair, you have a serious case of 'bed-head' this morning." She snickered as he walked back to the bathroom. She danced into the living room to resume her scavenger hunt for trash and beer bottles.

He returned and stood at the hallway entrance wearing a Baltimore Orioles ball cap. "There, are you willing to go out in public with me now?"

"Baltimore? Really?"

"What? They're a good team."

She rolled her eyes and laughed at him as she tossed her collection of trash into the kitchen waste bin.

Ryan took her hand and pulled her away from her trash hunt. "Come on, I'm hungry."

*>

Charlie's Diner on Grant Street is a local greasy spoon open for breakfast and lunches every day of the week except Wednesday. The service was efficient, the clientele local, and the food tasted great as long as you didn't look too close behind the counter. A closer examination would reveal all the grease accumulated from years of neglect. Aside from that, you'd find the place very quaint.

Ryan and Sarah found a booth by the windows and looked at their menus. Around the room were several cops, a city councilman, some office types and a few construction workers. It was a real nice mix. A few minutes later a waitress stopped by with coffee and took their orders.

Ryan looked up and noticed two girls and a man dressed in flashy clothes, walked in and sat in a booth in the far corner of the dining room. He glanced back at Sarah. She noticed the same thing and nodded with a grimace. He glanced out the window while she buried her nose in the menu again. 

He was reminded of their third meeting where he asked her if she ever belonged to a pimp.

"No, those fuckers are evil. I took my chances on my own. I knew a few girls who 'belonged' to a guy, his name was Biggie." She used her fingers to make 'air-quotes' when she said belonged. 

"What do you mean belonged? Were they like his slaves?"

"In a way, yes. Once they came into his stable he got them to do whatever he wanted and whenever he wanted. It was almost as if they wanted to be treated that way. It was kind of sick, really. He promised them protection and beat them up when they didn't do what he told them to do, even when it was dangerous."

"Why didn't they leave?"

"Where would they go? They had no money; he kept it all. And he doled it out whenever they needed necessities. Or he'd 'treat them' to a dinner out when they were good. With the money they earned I might add. The son-of-a-bitch never lifted a finger to do anything but beat on them to keep them in line."

"What about the cops?"

"Pssst. The cops. They're more worried about drugs and illegal immigrants to be concerned with a bunch of girls being beaten up by a low-life like Biggie. We weren't on their radar screens. The only time they did anything, and that was only cursory, was when a girl was killed by a trick who got overzealous. The little fucker was into strangle-sex and he killed her. I heard that he snapped her neck. Poor thing, she was cute too. She'd been working for less than a year and she was maybe all of eighteen."

Ryan sat on the bench mortified by what he heard. He had no idea what those girls faced each day trying to survive on the streets. He never looked at the obituaries listing in the paper because he didn't want to think about it. John Q Public was probably the same way. Ignore it and it will go away.

Sarah stood up and shouted at her nephews. "Bobbie, give Michael back his shoes. And quit throwing sand Michael!"

She sat back down and glanced over to a somber looking Ryan. She shook her head with a grimace then she sighed. "So no, I stayed away from the pimps and their brain-washing bullshit. With the narcs chasing false crack dealer leads and sniffing out meth labs, I figured it was safe enough to play it solo."

"Did you ever spend time in jail?"

"Nope, but I came close a couple of times. I tried to keep a low profile. I used Craigslist and burners to keep me safe."

"Burners?"

"Yeah, throw away cellphones. You could buy them cheap if you knew the right people. They had sim cards with prepaid minutes loaded on them. As soon as the minutes were up you threw them away. The phones were from all over the country, it didn't matter where."

"Where they stolen?"

"Yeah, some of them were. As long as they had a camera I was fine. I could upload images with my laptop anywhere I could get Wi-Fi." She shrugged her shoulders with a wry smile. "It worked, for a while."

"Where did you keep your stuff? You know, clothes, shoes, makeup, you had to have some clothes didn't you?"

"Yeah, I had a few things."

"Did you have an apartment?"

"Humph, no. I carried everything I needed immediately on my back. What I couldn't carry I stashed in a locker where I could have easy access. Sometimes I'd crash at a friend's place, or sometimes I'd stay in a shelter."

"I hated the shelters. There were these people who roamed around looking for girls like me for what they liked to call special treatment. If you propositioned guys like I did and somebody complained they would target you for special treatment. They called themselves outreach councilors but in reality they were like the Gestapo. If they found you then you might end up in one of their inner city mental health centers. I had a girlfriend come back from one of those places." She glanced sideways at Ryan. "She was never the same person."

"Did they feed you at the shelters?"

"Yeah, it was all right, I guess. But with the Gestapo hanging around it wasn't any safer than on the streets. If I didn't have an appointment I'd be at a friend's place or looking for a party where I could hook up. The shelters were good for a shower and something to eat. I'd duck in for the day then I'd be out hustling again hoping the next guy would give me enough to get a long term stay in one of the Ma and Pa hotels along the tourist strip."

"Wasn't that expensive?"

"Not in the off season. The rooms were cheap during the winter months. It was nice, if you could afford it. My biggest issue was getting the drugs I needed to stay sane."

"Drugs? You mean like heroin or crack?"

"God you're naïve. No. I needed testosterone blockers and estrogen supplements. All this beauty comes with a price, and it ain't cheap. That's one of the reasons I had to leave my home. They refused to pay for the meds I needed to help with my transition. My dad flatly refused, he said it was a waste of good money. And my mom, she was the bible thumper in the family, so in some respects she was worse than he was."

"What about Anna?"

"Anna, my sweet, lovely sister Anna. She's my rock. She hated what my parents were doing to me but she had her own problems to deal with at the time. She was headed for a major divorce with two kids and no income. The asshole she was married to was dicking around with every girl in his office and spending all he earned before he brought anything home to pay the bills. The boys were toddlers then, she couldn't afford to do anything until she was clear of him."

"Does he pay child support?"

"Not while he's in jail."

Ryan shook his head and sighed. "The rest of the world has no idea and could care less?"

Sarah nodded her head and glanced over to see what her nephews were doing. Michael was playing with a beat up toy car in the sand box and Bobbie was sitting on top of a toy digger that used two handles to manipulate a metal arm and shovel. 

Sarah was quiet for a long time. Ryan could see that she was deep in thought. She sighed then took a big breath to let it out slowly.

She grimaced a little as if she finally arrived at a decision. "What do you think of me?"

Ryan glanced over at her quickly. He was shocked by the candor of her question. "Huh?"

"Be honest. What do you think of me? I want to know?"

Ryan shrugged his shoulders and smiled winsomely. He looked off across the playground to the houses and buildings that lined the streets opposite the park. "I think you're an amazing person. You've suffered a lot for your truth, not because you wanted to but because you thought you needed to. I'm glad your sister brought you home."

"Yeah, I probably wouldn't be alive right now if she hadn't." She paused a moment and watched the boys play. "Do you think of me as a woman?"

"Wow, you don't hold any punches do you?" He shifted in his seat and turned to look directly into her eyes. "Yes, a very beautiful woman, inside and out. I was sort of shocked the first time I met you. Aside from the grungy appearance I could see that buried beneath those grubby clothes was a beautiful, angry, frustrated, and very frightened woman."

She blushed crimson. 

"Now it's my turn to ask a pointed question."

She turned to look at him, the hard edges were still there but she was a little softer now, not so quick to overreact. Perhaps she felt safer, at least a little bit, and that made asking this question a little easier.

"Do you think about your penis?"

"All the time. Especially when I was on the streets. It was all you thought about when you weren't wanking off some old geezer looking for a quick flash in the pants. When I left the streets, after I got out of the hospital, I thought about it less. Now it's on my mind again."

"Why now?"

"Because I'm with you."

"Why?"

She sighed a bit and glanced at him sideways then she picked up a stick and started to scratch around in the gravel at their feet. "Because you know who you are but I'm not so sure about who I am."

"I don't get it."

"And you never will until you walk a mile in my heels."

Ryan looked away and watched random cars drive by the neighborhood park. He was frustrated, not because he felt she wasn't being truthful but more because she was right, he would never fully understand what it was like to be in transition without experiencing it firsthand.

"Look, you're a man, you know where you fit in the world. I don't because I'm in transition. Shit even if I had the big surgery I still would wonder if people would accept me. Do you ever have that thought? Hi, I'm Ryan; please accept me as a man. No, of course not. It doesn't even occur to you, or to a genetic woman for that matter. But to a transgendered woman, or man, it's on our minds constantly. One word, one sneer, one mocking look and the illusions we drape around ourselves are shattered."

Ryan looked into her eyes. There was that fiery intensity again. He sighed and looked away.

"So now you understand why I asked that question, why it's so important for me to know. And now, I'll ask it again. Do you think of me as a woman?"

Ryan paused to give himself a moment to consider her question. 

"You're not a woman by what's between your legs, Sarah. You're a woman because of how you feel inside. Physical attributes can be changed; women and men do it all the time. A little nip here, a little tuck there, cosmetics, it's just the surface. What makes a woman a woman or a man a man is what they feel in their heart and who they are inside their head. Some of it is hormones, I recognize that, but some of it is a deep seated desire to be who you really are. Nobody would go through the shit you've had to endure because it just seemed like a good idea at the time."

She nodded and looked at her watch with a sigh. "I have to take the boys back now. Anna will be home soon and I have to start dinner."

"Are you a good cook?"

"I'm an excellent cook, why?"

"I don't know, I just wondered."

"Well Mr. Doubting Thomas, I'll make you dinner one of these nights and you can see for yourself. Bobbie, Michael, we have to go now. Dust the sand off and empty the sand out of your shoes, okay?"

Ryan stood and watched her parade her nephews out of the park and across the street to their apartment building. Sarah was indeed a beautiful woman. 

A thought slipped into the recesses of his mind. It lingered a fleeting moment only to be dismissed, then it returned again like a butterfly pausing to rest. He recognized the thought, it had danced through his mind several times before and each time he dismissed it with arguments of age or youth or conflicting interests. And each time it danced around his misguided reason and returned to tease and tantalize. 

He sighed and stood up. The sun was beginning to set earlier as the days marched towards December. He threw his jacket over his shoulder and trudged off across the park towards his car.

*>

"Huh?"

"I asked...what are you going to do with all this research?" She stuffed the last of her pancake into her mouth.

Ryan was lost in thought and didn't hear her question. He idly stirred the cream in his coffee. "Oh. Write a paper, then perhaps a book."

"Really?"

"Don't worry; all the names will be changed to protect the guilty."

She reached across the table and swatted his arm playfully. "If it gets around, it's going to make some very nasty people angry."

Ryan shrugged and forked another piece of pancake into his mouth. 

Sarah looked down at her plate and picked up her fork to pick up a tiny crumb of pancake on her plate. She swirled it around to sop up some extra syrup before she lifted into her mouth.

"You know, the best thing to ever happen to me was that night that I got beat up and sent to the hospital."

Ryan looked up astonished. "What? Why would you ever say that?"

"Because if it had never happened I might still be out there on the streets, right now. Or dead. I might never have met my nephews. And I might never have met you."

Ryan sat for a moment and looked into her eyes. They were filled with the same intensity that he'd seen over and over again. He noticed it the first time they met. Her anger and fear all rolled into one ball of fury. He saw it again when he was talking to her about how brave he thought she was, or when she talked about her penis. He remembered the look in her eyes, the intensity. It was there now again, but this time the intensity he saw was there for a different reason.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome.'

=TWO=

Outside the diner, Sarah eased into the passenger seat as Ryan started his car and pulled out of the parking lot. But instead of heading back to his apartment he drove off in a different direction.

"Where are we going?"

"I thought I'd get a few groceries for an unexpected guest. How about I cook us a late lunch as a thank you for all your help?"

"Just the two of us?"

"Yeah, is that all right?"

Sarah smiled sweetly. "Yes, I'd like that very much."

They wandered the grocery aisles looking for bargains. Ryan told her that a college professor's salary, unless you're an engineer or a business type, is not much to sneeze at. "It's a pauper's life sometimes but it's what I like to do."

Sarah glanced about at the other shoppers pushing wire-meshed carts up and down the aisles. At the end of one aisle they stopped at the meat counter and Ryan looked for a chicken to cook for dinner. 

While she stood there she glanced up and saw their reflection in the butcher shop glass. They looked like a married couple, shopping for groceries on the weekend like so many others in the store. It made her feel odd, but a good odd. Like it was something normal and she was doing a normal thing. It was so unusual, shopping for groceries with Ryan, that she didn't want it to stop. She wanted to do more normal things, with him. She wanted a normal life.

*>

They got back to his place an hour later and Sarah picked up where she left off with her treasure hunt for trash while Ryan pulled out a laundry basket and quickly filled it with a week's worth of dirty clothes. He opened the hall closet doors to reveal a washer and dryer unit hidden under a mound of unsorted clothes.

"You're not much for domestic stuff are you?"

"It's been eight months since Teresa died and I'm still not used to this. She did all the laundry. She insisted that I purposely ruined all her nice clothes."

"Did you?"

"No, of course not. I just didn't know what the hell I was doing."

"You still don't." Sarah grabbed the laundry basket and began to sort lights from darks into separate piles. She shoved a load of laundry into the washer and pulled a pile of clean clothes off the dryer and tossed them into the basket. "Come on, we can put away the clean stuff while we wait on the washer."




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 04



Ryan followed her back to his bedroom and helped her sort through the clothing she dumped on the bed. Thirty minutes later most of the clean stuff was sorted and put away they went to check on the washer. It was on the spin cycle and Sarah jumped up onto it with a devilish grin. She wrapped her arms around his neck and swung her legs around his waist. She pulled him into deep and passionate kiss, running her fingers through his hair and rubbing her hands across his back.

She felt him stiffen in her embrace at first, but then he relaxed into her arms and all of his resistance seemed to melt away. 

"Wow, that was fun!"

"Yes, it was. You're so incredibly spontaneous."

"I know, that's the way life should be right now, full of surprises."

"And that it is, with you around." He stepped away from her embrace and helped her off the washer. The cycle was over and he opened the door to move his damp clothes from the washer to the dryer.

"Do you like what's happening?"

"With what?"

"This relationship."

"What relationship?" 

"The one we're in, you and me, dummy. We're coming up on a three-month anniversary, you know?" She grabbed him from behind and wrapped her arms around his chest. "I want to do something special."

"Like what?" 

"Surprise me, you constantly do." She kissed him on the back of his neck and snuggled against his back. "Wait, don't put blue jeans in with casual stuff."

"Why?"

"Because they fade for one thing and for another the jeans are coarser material. Your casual stuff will wear out faster."

"Oh. Okay, thanks."

She chuckled and kissed him on the cheek then pushed him aside to finish loading the washer herself.

=THREE=

Sunday morning arrived with Ryan parking his car outside of Anna's apartment to pick up the boys and Sarah. They were headed to the ballpark and an afternoon game. Sarah buzzed him in and he bounded up the stairs two at a time. He was nearly out of breath by the time he arrived at her door on the third floor.

He wheezed a bit as she opened the door. "Ready to go?"

"Almost, Anna wants to come too, is that okay?"

Anna walked into the living room from her bedroom in the back. "I hope it's all right. I love baseball and this will be the first time the boys will see a professional game."

Ryan grabbed up Sarah's backpack and slung it over his shoulder. "Of course it's all right. But on one condition."

"What's that?" Sarah and Anna responded in unison then laughed.

"That you don't scold me when I spoil your children...it's a baseball game after all."

"Thank you Ryan. This means a lot to me, you taking the boys to see a game. We don't get to go out much as a family and this really means a lot. Since their father..."

"Tat, tat, tat." He interrupted her. "Come on, we'll be late for the pre-game warm-ups." He pulled the boys into a big hug and ushered them out the door. "Anna, did you remember to bring sun screen?"

"It's in Sarah's bag." Anna turned briefly and locked her front door then scrambled down the stairs to catch up with everyone else.

*>

It was the second inning and their team was in a slump already. Ryan leaned over and asked the boys if they wanted something to eat?

Michael was the first to chime in. "Yeah! A hot dog with mustard!"

Bobby looked up and grinned. "A corndog for me!" 

"Okay you guys, let's get go get something to eat. You girls want anything?"

Anna looked over at Sarah who shrugged. "Maybe a soda? Oh, and Ryan, make sure Michael doesn't put too much mustard on his hotdog."

"Sure thing, we'll be right back."

Ryan ushered the boys out of their seats and up the steps to the back concourse. The hotdog vendor was straight across from the stairs. They were standing in line when someone tapped Ryan on the shoulder. Ryan turned and recognized a former student.

"Hey, Brad, how's it going?"

"Good Professor. Oh, this is my wife Abby." Brad turned to the woman next to him. "Abby, this is my old Sociology professor, Ryan Sullivan."

Ryan offered his hand to Brad's wife. "Hi, it's nice to meet you." He turned to Brad with a wink. "I noticed the emphasis on old, and please, call me Ryan."

Brad shrugged and grinned sheepishly.

"It's nice to meet you too. Brad's been talking a lot about you lately. I'm glad you two were able to connect."

"Thanks, me too."

"So Ryan, since you're here, I might be able to help you out with your job search. My firm has just given me the go ahead to hire a couple of assistants for the paralegals. And if this girl you mentioned, Sarah I think you said was her name, well if she's half as organized as you said she is then she'll work out great.

"Aunt Sarah?" Bobbie chimed in.

"Yes, Aunt Sarah." Ryan and the boys moved forward to the head of the line. 

"What'll it be, boss?" The hotdog vendor barked from behind the counter.

"What do you guys want?"

"A hotdog with mustard," said Michael. "A corndog and fries," Bobbie replied.

"Okay." Ryan placed the order and added sodas for the girls, and then he returned to Brad. 

"She's here at the game with me if you want to meet her. Actually, on second thought, I should ask her if she wants to meet you today...she's not really dressed for an interview and she'd probably kill me for introducing her right now without fair warning."

"No big deal, I'm hiring the person, not the wardrobe, but I understand when it comes to women." Brad's wife Abby punched him in the arm. "See what I mean? Look, it's only the third inning. Text me if she wants to meet. We can get together during the seventh inning stretch."

The vendor behind the counter shouted to Ryan. "Hey mister, you're order is up." 

Ryan helped the boys pull the food off the counter. "Thanks." Then he took the boys over to the condiments counter to find the mustard. 

"Absolutely, Brad. Otherwise I'll have her call you for an appointment." 

Abby gave Brad a peck on the cheek. "I'm going to head back to our seats while you boys talk shop."

Brad nodded to his wife and followed Ryan. "I'll be there in a sec, hon. Ryan, either way is okay, if she can't make it today, ask her if she can come in tomorrow around ten o'clock."

Ryan pulled Brad aside and away from earshot of Sarah's nephews. "You remember what I said about her, right?"

"Sure, it's not a problem. If she's half as organized as you said she is, she'll fit right in."

"Great. I'll send you a text in a couple of minutes. And Brad, thanks a lot."

He waved as he jogged to catch up with his wife. They disappeared down a stairway walking towards their seats.

"Don't put too much mustard on that Michael or your mother will kill me. Here, take some napkins. Okay, let's head back down to our seats."

The boys took the lead and walked down the steps taking two at a time. Ryan followed behind them carrying a drink basket and extra napkins. When he arrived he passed off the basket to Anna and whispered into Sarah's ear.

"Hey, got a minute? I have a question to ask you in private."

She nodded and got up. "Okay, I have to go to the restroom anyway." 

He followed her back up the steps to the concourse. She turned with a curious look on her face at the top of the stairs. "What's up, there's nothing wrong is there?"

"No, no, nothing like that. There's this guy I want you to meet. His name is Brad Williams; he's a former student of mine. Now he's a junior partner in a law firm downtown. They're looking to hire a couple of assistants to help their paralegals and I suggested that he interview you."

Sarah stood looking a bit stunned. "When?"

"Well, he is here at the game but I told him I'd talk to you first because you're not exactly dressed to interview. He said it didn't matter, he was hiring a person not their wardrobe. But he said if you didn't want to meet him today he understood but he wanted you to meet him tomorrow at ten in his office downtown."

"Now?"

"Or tomorrow."

"Does he know about me?"

"Yes, he does, but he said it didn't matter. He said if you're half as organized as I told him you were that you'd fit right in."

"He said that?"

"Yeah."

"What about the boys?"

"I think it's a part-time thing so maybe your hours are flexible. You'll have to ask him."

Ryan watched Sarah run the idea over and over again in her head. Then she looked up at him and smiled. "Okay."

"Okay? Okay what? You'll meet him now okay? Or you'll meet him Monday okay?"

"I'll meet him now. At least to introduce myself and put a name with a face."

At that moment they heard a loud crack. The crowd cheered as the batter hit a line drive over the centerfield wall.

Ryan beamed broadly. "A home run to center. That's a good omen. I'll send him a text. He said if it's okay, you can meet him during the seventh inning stretch."

She nodded and turned towards the women's restrooms. Ryan finished his text and walked back quickly to his seat.

He leaned over to Anna. "I think I found a job for Sarah."

"What?"

"A former student of mine is a junior partner in a law firm downtown. He told me the other day that they're looking to hire a paralegal, to do clerical work I guess. I told him about Sarah and he wants to meet her. He's here at the game. I just told Sarah and I think she's in a state of shock."

Anna's eyes began to sparkle as they glistened in the sunlight. "Thank you."

"It's not a done deal but it's a step in the right direction."

"I know, but thank you just the same." She squeezed his hand and kissed him on the cheek.

A couple of minutes later Sarah returned to her seat. 

Anna leaned over and gave her a hug. "Ryan just told me the news."

"I haven't got the job yet, Sis. I still have to pass the interview. And they may not let me be off when I need to be home for the boys."

Anna patted her hand, smiling broadly. "We'll worry about that when the time comes."

Sarah leaned over and whispered to Ryan. "What did you tell him about me?"

"I told him you were highly skilled and extremely organized. That you are very bright, you work hard, and you're a quick learner."

"Anything else?"

"Yes, he knows you're a TS but he said it didn't matter. His firm handles a fair amount of cases involving gender issues and he thought your background might actually be a strong asset."

"He said that?"

"Yeah, he did." Ryan's grin was hanging off his ears.

*>

Sarah and Brad met during the seventh inning. She was a bit wary of him at first, but by the end of the meeting she began to think he might be someone she could work with. 

Right off the bat, Brad told her that he liked her. And he told her that her cocky attitude was refreshing. "It makes me laugh but I have to warn you. There are a couple of old goats in the firm and they work hard to keep the old traditions alive."

"You mean who I am is going to be an issue?"

"No, nothing like that. They just think old school. Apprentices should mind their manners and keep quiet around their elders, that sort of stuff." 

"Well that's to be expected in any job."

"Exactly. As soon as you prove your worth they'll back off." Brad extended his hand to Sarah. "So, I'll see you on Monday?"

She took it and offered a firm handshake in return. "Ten o'clock, on the dot."

"Great, now we should get back to the game and watch these guys lose another one."

Sarah waited a moment to watch Brad walk back to his seat. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs and dance around like a schoolgirl she was so excited. She turned and almost skipped down the concourse towards her seat but at the last minute she pulled it together and slowly walked down the steps towards the row where her family sat. 

Her family. That included Ryan now. If she could have imagined what her life was going to be like six months ago, she would never have imagined this. Still, she realized that she didn't have the job yet. But she was one step closer. She was one step closer to becoming an independent woman who has an incredible man in her life.

She paused a moment and watched Ryan play with her nephews as she walked down the steps towards her seat. He was becoming more than a friend to her. Was he like her older brother? No, that wasn't it. She could never have the feelings she had for Ryan like she might have for a sibling. Her heart began to flutter and her breathing became rapid. 

She took a few big breaths to settle her nerves. Then she slowly walked down the remaining steps to her row. She wanted to kiss him, to hug him, to just hold him tight and never let him go. She looked at him watching the game with that big silly grin on his face.

She never felt this way about anyone before. Did he feel the same way? Did he know how much he has changed her life? Did he understand how hard it was each day when she had to leave him and go back to her sister's apartment? 

Her heart began to flutter again. She needed to stop thinking about this. She needed to just sit next to him and be for now. She walked across to their seats and sat down.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"Fine. I like him."

Ryan nodded and smiled a knowing smile. She would tell him when she was ready. About then his phone buzzed. It was a text message from Brad.

'Hey, she's great! Thanks for your help. I'll keep you posted. I forgot to remind her to have a resume with her tomorrow for the interview. Thanks.'

"I just got a note from Brad. He said to remind you to have a resume tomorrow for the interview. Do you have one?"

"No. Can you help me?"

"Of course. We'll work on it after the game."

She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek then he blushed.

=FOUR=

When the game was over they all piled into Ryan's car and he took them home.

Anna grabbed both boys and hustled them through the outer door to the apartment building. Michael wanted to play catch with Ryan but his mother wasn't having any of it. "Nope you have homework young man, now scoot."

After Anna and the boys went inside, Sarah turned and kissed Ryan on the cheek. "Thank you for introducing me to Brad Williams. Even if I don't get the job..."

"You'll get the job." Ryan insisted looking into her shining eyes.

"Even if I don't get the job, thank you for caring. It meant a lot."

"You're blushing."

"You're the first man I've ever blushed for."

Ryan smirked. "Liar."

"Well, you're the first man I've ever wanted to blush for then."

"Meet me tomorrow morning in my office at eight. We can use my computer and printer to put together a resume for you."

"You're sure?"

Ryan shook his head with a gentle smile. "Call it a thank you for helping me clean my apartment. It's the least I can do for a friend." He turned and walked around his car to slip in behind the wheel.

Sarah watched him drive off. "More than friends," she murmured, "more like family."

A NOTE TO THE READER:

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names, and the places that they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental.

If you believe in coincidence I'm happy for you. However, if you read my other stories you know that I do not, but the lawyers like to see that word in there anyway.

Thank you for reading my work, I hope you enjoyed it. If this is the first time you've read one of my stories, welcome. I hope you take a look at the rest of my work. If you are a returning reader, welcome back, it's nice to see old friends and I look forward to your feedback and support for my work.

Dreamweaver594



Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 05



A Reader's Note: I'm sure you have noticed if you've been following this story from previous chapters, that the plot structure isn't typical. There's a Latin term for this that comes close, "In Medias Res", in the middle of things. While it's not completely accurate, it's the closet I could come to explaining that the story began during their last official meeting, (Chapter One), and is moving to the beginning and end of the story through flashbacks. Because it's not linear I ask that you try not to force it that way and instead allow it to unfold as it is to understand why in the "now", things are like that from the "past".

As always, if you're new to this series I encourage you to go back to the beginning to understand the complex nature of this relationship but then again, you are the reader and I am the scribe, it's your choice. Please enjoy chapter five of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel.

=ONE=

Ryan scanned through the pages of notes he'd made from his conversations with Sarah. He smiled at some of her comments. She was so delightfully sarcastic. It reminded him of the time he called her two months ago to negotiate an extension on their meeting agreement.

He remembered scrolling down the address book in his cell phone until he found her number. He pushed send and waited for her to pick up.

"Hi Sarah, are you busy?"

"Nope, what's up?"

"Well, I was hoping to add those extra meetings with you that I bargained for last month." 

She started to get coy. He could hear the playfulness in her voice.

"I don't know, you've been asking some pretty lame questions lately. I'm not sure it's worth my time."

"Oh? What would it take to make it worth your while?"

"I don't know...maybe shopping? I could use a new pair of shoes."

Ryan chuckled. "Okay, sounds fine. Your birthday is coming up so you can help me pick out your present."

"How did you know when it's my birthday?"

"I asked Anna."

"That traitor, what else did she tell you?"

"Not much, just that you don't like broccoli, you hate the color chartreuse, and you're partial to stuffed bears."

Sarah laughed. "She's giving away all my secrets, and I do like broccoli, only raw."

"Okay, then as long as I take you shoe shopping we can have three more meetings?"

Sarah continued to act coy. "Okay, I suppose, but you're going to take me someplace nice, not Wal-Mart!"

"Ha! Agreed." Ryan laughed at her candor. "Hey, can we delay things this Saturday till later in the afternoon, say around four?"

"Sure, why?"

"My grandma has to move into an assisted living facility and I promised her that I'd help her move in the morning."

"Can I help too? I'd love to meet your grandma."

"Okay, though I have to warn you, she's a feisty one. But I think you'll like her."

Elizabeth Denton was not at all what Sarah expected. She was rather diminutive, standing a good head shorter than Ryan with wispy white hair in tight curls framing a gentle face with a sparkle in her eyes. If it wasn't for the walker that seemed to tie her down, she would have been hard to keep up with, she had so much energy.

"It's nice to meet you Sarah; Ryan tells me that you are helping him with his research?"

Sarah winked at Elizabeth. "A little yes, but you know academics, you can only tell them so much before they get overwhelmed."

Elizabeth laughed and shook her head.

Ryan smiled as he picked up a stack of empty boxes and moved towards the kitchen. "I forgot to mention that Grandma taught history at Penn State University until she retired several years ago." He grinned at his grandmother and then scooted into the kitchen out of pillow throwing range as three throw pillows landed against the kitchen doorframe.

Elizabeth chuckled and pushed her walker towards the hallway. "Don't worry about it Sarah, there's more truth in what you said than you know. Come on dear; help me pack up my linen stuff to send to Goodwill."

Sarah disappeared down the hallway behind Elizabeth while Ryan tackled the kitchen. An hour later he heard the two of them laughing in the back bedroom. "What's going on in here? I thought you two were packing."

Sarah grinned as she flipped another page of Elizabeth's scrapbook. "We were until Elizabeth found this. Oh look, Ryan was so cute when he was a toddler." She held up the book so that Ryan could see a small boy riding a tricycle along a sidewalk. Another young girl was giving him a push while two adults sat nearby on a park bench laughing. "Who's the little girl?" 

"That's Karen, my sister. She's supposed to be here today but as usual, she's running late." 

"Ooh, who's the boy in the sailor suit?"

"That's Ryan on his third birthday."

"You were very adorable when you were young."

Ryan snorted as he turned to leave his grandmother's bedroom. "Not so much now, huh?"

"You're still adorable, just in different ways." Sarah giggled and Elizabeth laughed.

"I haven't seen him that flustered in years, keep it up."

Ryan's sister Karen arrived shortly after that. She burst into the apartment with a flurry of shopping bags, flattened boxes, and a large floppy hat. 

Ryan poked his head out from the kitchen. "Your late, sis."

"Sorry, traffic this morning was a nightmare. And I had to wait until Inez, my house keeper could arrive."

Ryan introduced Sarah to Karen before she went to help her grandmother in the bedroom. At first Karen seemed open and happy to have Sarah's help, but then something seemed odd and she became standoffish. Sarah decided that the cool temperature in the bedroom wasn't to her liking so she left to help Ryan in the kitchen. 

While Karen was packing her grandmother's linens she said something snide about boys pretending to be girls to Elizabeth. 

Ryan had just walked into the bedroom to ask his grandmother where she wanted him to stack the kitchen stuff to be sent to Goodwill when he overheard his sister's comment. Sarah had followed right behind him; her face was flush with crimson. But before he could come to her defense Elizabeth stepped in and admonished her granddaughter.

"I can't believe that a granddaughter of mine would utter such rubbish."

"Grandma!"

Ryan and Sarah moved out of the room and stood silently in the living room. 

"Don't Grandma me!" Elizabeth left her bedroom and moved her walker down the hallway and into the kitchen. "Come into the kitchen Karen, I want to have a word with you." Karen reluctantly followed her as Ryan and Sarah returned to the bedroom to move some of the furniture to the moving van. 

"That girl has given your brother a reason to be happy young lady; he hasn't been like this since Teresa got sick. Are you so selfish that you want to deny him the joy of companionship?" 

"But she's really a man dressed like a woman!"

"Oh Karen, I can't believe you! What's the difference between you two? A vagina? Pooh, surgery can fix that. Breasts? That too. Perhaps you're arguing the ability to give birth? Yes, that's true, but don't you think Sarah, who sees herself as much a woman as you do, is painfully aware of that too? Besides, there are thousands of women across this country who, for one reason or another, are barren. So what does that prove?"

"I didn't think any of that! I just..."

Elizabeth pushed her walker around the kitchen counter and sat down. "Dammit Karen, don't be so small minded. The world is changing and you have to change with it or be left behind. Girls like Sarah have always been with us; we just ignored them in the past and got away with it, by wrapping ourselves in religious dogma and fear. Well, that was then. Now they have stepped up to the table and they want their fair share. So either move over or move out."

Karen stood apoplectic, her mouth opening and closing yet nothing came out. Elizabeth, red faced and out of breath, shook her head and sighed.

Ryan helped Sarah move an empty dresser down the hallway. "Grandma we're just taking this chest to the truck, back in a minute."

Elizabeth smiled and nodded to Ryan as he passed the kitchen door, then she turned to her granddaughter. 

"I'm sorry Karen that was harsh. I like Sarah and I think she's really good for Ryan, even though he doesn't completely recognize it yet, I think she'll be a big part of his life from now on. And I don't want that ruined because the people around him are unwilling to give them a chance. He's had so much sorrow in his life lately and Sarah's a little ray of sunshine."

"He's twice her age Grandma, what happens when she gets tired of him and moves on?"

"You mean like what happened with you and Bob?"

Karen started to cry.

Elizabeth held her arms open with tears in her eyes. "Come here my sweet child." Karen knelt down and wrapped her arms around her grandmother. "I'm sorry. Bob was an asshole, Sarah is not. You deserved a lot better and so does your brother."

"I know he does, I just don't want him to have to go through that pain again."

"He knows that and he loves you for it." Elizabeth held her granddaughter tightly in her arms. "Take the time to get to know her, Karen. I think you'll find her to be a remarkable person. Okay?"

"Okay, I'll try."

The rest of the packing went quietly; Sarah made an effort not to be near Karen for the rest of the afternoon, which made things awkward between Ryan and his sister as well. 

Elizabeth just shook her head and sighed as she watched her grandchildren walk as if they were stepping on broken glass. "Baby steps I guess."

*>

After they left Elizabeth's apartment Ryan turned into the parking lot at the Shoe Boutique on 39th street. "I did some research on the internet and this place seemed to have the best shoe selection for the price. Have you ever been here before?"

"Are you kidding me? This place is fantastic. Every girl in town goes here if they can afford it."

"Well, you said you wanted a birthday present."

Sarah grabbed him into a big hug and kissed him on the cheek ending with a big smack. "Come on, let's go!" She scrambled out of his car and raced across the parking lot. She stood at the entry door with a big grin waiting for Ryan to catch up. She almost bounced up and down looking like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Okay, I'm coming. You get to choose one pair, but the price has to be reasonable, okay?"

"Yeah! Come on."

Ryan stood at the end of one aisle grinning at her excitement. "So, what are you looking for? Running shoes? Ballet flats? Some beach sandals?"

"You are kidding me, right? Running shoes? I'm going for stilettos, the highest, sexiest, most scandalous I can find." She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the aisle with high heels. "Help me find some to pick from."

"What's your shoe size?"

"Well, that's where I'm lucky, or blessed, however you want to put it. My feet and hands are small for my size. I wear a women's size ten or eleven, depending on the way it's cut and fitted. Ooh, God, would you look at these. They simply scream 'fuck-me'." She pulled out a pair of red pumps with an ankle strap and a dainty bow on the vamp. The heels were easily five inches and they narrowed down to a spike.

Ryan looked at her incredulously. "Can you even walk in those?"

She slipped off her tennis shoes and sprinted over to a bench nearby. "I guess we're going to find out." She slipped on one shoe and adjusted the strap then slipped on the other and did the same. "The leather is so supple, they feel luxurious." She stood up slowly and took a few steps towards Ryan. Then she turned around and, swaying her hips provocatively, she sashayed down the aisle.

"Yeah, you're right, they do scream 'fuck-me'." Then he glanced down at the price and gulped. 

"What? Are they too expensive?" 

He handed her the shoe box.

"Oh, yeah. Two hundred and fifty bucks is a lot for a pair of shoes you only wear in the bedroom."

Ryan blanched a bit then cleared his throat. "Not if they are the shoes you really want."

Sarah came close to him and whispered in his ear. "Thank you Ryan." She sat down and slipped the shoes off her feet and put them back in the shoebox. "But not today. Let's keep looking."

They continued down the aisle, Sarah pulled out one pair after another, each of them as sexy as the other. She looked like a girl picking out her first pair of heels, it made Ryan just beam with joy. Eventually they walked back to the clearance rack near the back of the store. A sales clerk, her name tag read "Sally", met them near the first rack of clearance shoes.

"Hi, if there's something I can help you with please don't hesitate to ask. The tags on the clearance shoes are marked with the discounted price so you don't have to guess."

Sarah smiled and pulled out a pair of six inch stilettos. "Thank you, we will." She sat down on a nearby bench and slipped them on. "These are even higher than the red pair." She stood up slowly and grabbed Ryan's arm for balance. 

He held her hand to lend her balance. "Now those are skyscraper tall."

"Yeah, they are." She giggled as she held onto his arm. "But now I'm taller than you." She took a few tentative steps then reached back for Ryan's steady arm. "Maybe I'm better off in five inch heels." She slipped them off and searched for another pair.

Finally, she found a pair on the top row in the back of the rack. They were simple black stilettos with a lace vamp and peek-a-boo toe. She slipped them on and they fit like they were made for her. "God, I love high heels, they make me feel so powerful, so gloriously sexual." She turned and strutted towards Ryan provocatively. "When I wear heels like these I feel like all men should bow before me, their sexual goddess." Her eyes were dazzling bright and to Ryan she did look like a goddess, even wearing jean shorts and a New York Yankee's baseball jersey.

"You certainly look like a sexual goddess, Sarah, and I'd love to bow down, but if I do, I'll spill the shoes in all these boxes." He stood there holding half a dozen shoeboxes filled with her potential choices.

"You can put those down Ryan; I think I've found my present."

"Happy Birthday."

"Thank you, you have great taste." She winked as she picked up her tennis shoes off the bench and walked towards the checkout counter.

*>

Ryan drove towards her apartment to take her home. Suddenly he turned to the left and pulled into a small secluded drive that wound around several huge old oak trees leading towards an old castle-looking building.

Sarah laughed at his impulsiveness. "Where are we going?"

"There's a museum here with beautiful grounds that overlook a pretty lake. I thought we might stop here and have our fourth meeting, is that okay?"

"Sure. It so hidden away that if you didn't know it was here you'd miss it." Ryan rounded a corner and pulled into a small parking area. Up ahead an incredibly large house stood proudly amongst the ancient live oaks that surrounded it. Nestled between the trees were smaller out buildings connected together by a series of gates and arched stone walls. All in all, it looked like something out of a picture book of ancient European country homes.

"What is this place?"

"This is Hampton House. It's a nineteenth century folly."

"A what?"

"A folly. It's what wealthy people built in the nineteenth century when they had way too much money and wanted to display it in an ostentatious way. In this case, the original owners imported German woodcarvers and craftsmen for all the paneling and cornice work. Then they brought in Italian painters and plasterers to decorate the halls with stencils and plaster work."

"You mean like the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina?"

"Exactly, only much less grand. I'd love to show you the inside but they're closed for renovations. We'll come again another time. Let's take a walk down to the lake."

They strolled through flower gardens and past privet hedges all neatly trimmed. They walked across a wide well manicured lawn to finally arrive at a walkway that wound itself around the edge of the lake. Ryan sat in a bench nearby and motioned for Sarah to join him.

"There is so much around me that I never knew existed when I lived on the street. It simply amazes me."

"Do you have any regrets?"

"Regrets? I suppose so; I guess I'd have to think about it." Sarah glanced off across the lake and watched ducks glide effortlessly across the surface. "I suppose my one regret is telling Sam the way I did."

"Sam?"

"He was my friend, my one friend. The only true friend I had before I transitioned to live full time as a woman."

"What happened?"

"You see, Sam was gay, but he wasn't open about it, at least not yet. I think he only told me. As I look back on it now, I guess he had a thing for me although I never knew it at the time. I didn't tell him I was getting my breasts until after the operation was over. He got really angry with me but he never said a word. He just stood there staring at my breasts but I could tell he was mad. Then he just turned and walked out of my room. I never saw or heard from him again. I tried calling him several times but he changed his cellphone number and his parents told me he didn't want to speak to me."

"I'm sorry to dredge up old pain."

"It's okay; it was a long time ago. Still, it would have been nice to know why he was so upset that he wouldn't speak to me again."

She was silent for a while looking out over the water at nothing in particular.

"Was sexual reassignment surgery part of the plan?"

She glanced back at Ryan and sighed. "Yes and no. I mean lots of girls dream to make the transition complete but the reality isn't always something that can happen. Money is the biggest issue. Then there are the testing and psych interviews."

"Psych interviews?"

"Yeah, the doctors want a full psychological profile. They want to make sure that you are sure you want to do this. It's a big change, and you can't take it back if it doesn't work out the way you imagined."

"What about you? Did you want to make the change?"

"I'm still wrestling with it. I mean yes I want to feel what it's like to be truly loved like a woman. And no, there are a lot of things that can go wrong. It's all rather scary. I decided to wait until I had the money and then decide."

"Did your parents help with that?"

"Shit, no. They threw me out of the house instead. My dad was totally against it and my mother, draping her cloak of religious piety around her shoulders, told me to pray to Jesus that my sins would be forgiven. Fuck, stupid cow."

"So what did you do?"

"What else, I went to the streets. I needed money, not only for the big cut, if that was ever going to happen, but I needed money for the drugs I had to have daily just to maintain what I have."

"Is Anna helping you with your needs now?"

"Yeah, but it can't last forever. I need a job to pay her back, and to stand on my own as well."

"Any luck with that?"

"Nope, but I'll keep looking, my luck is bound to change."

Ryan suddenly remembered the comment that his sister made when they were at his grandmother's house.

"I'm really sorry about what my sister said. She can be so insensitive sometimes."

"I'm used to it. People so easily condemn what they don't understand, which is a nice way of saying that people can be insensitive assholes sometimes. Sorry."

They were quiet for a moment watching the wind tease the day lilies that lined the waterfront.

Ryan glanced over and looked into her eyes. There was a sadness there that wasn't there before. It made him feel bad that she was feeling melancholy. "Do you have any questions for me?"

Sarah smiled and shook her head. She slipped her arm around his and rested her head on his shoulders. "Can we stay like this for a while?"

"Yes, I'd like that too."

=TWO=

Ryan sat in his home office trying to unearth the clutter that filled his desk. He pulled out a brochure from the museum trip he took Sarah to earlier. He smiled thinking about her impish curiosity; like a sponge she seemed to soak up everything. He wondered if things had been different, what would she have become. A scholar? A lawyer? It was hard to imagine, yet she is so smart she probably could have been anything. Maybe she still can. His cellphone began to vibrate.




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 05



"Hello?"

"Hi Ryan, it's me."

"Hi me, what's up?"

"It's Michael's birthday today; Anna wants to know if you would like to join us? We're going to Shakey's Pizza to celebrate."

"Yeah, that sounds great. I have a few more papers to grade but I can put that off until later. What time are you going?"

"In an hour, is that okay?"

"Sure, I'll meet you there; it's the one on Oak Street, right?"

"Yup, see you in a few."

*>

An hour later, Ryan walked into the Skakey's Pizza Palace on Oak Street. He spotted Sarah, her sister Anna, and Sarah's nephews in a booth along the far wall.

"Hey Ryan, it's my birthday!"

"Happy Birthday Michael, look I even found you something." Ryan handed a small box to Michael wrapped up with a bow.

Anna glanced at Sarah and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Cool, what is it?"

"That's for you to find out. Open it."

Michael tore into the box and moments later a baseball emerged. "Cool, look Bobby. Hey, there's writing all over it."

"It's a very special baseball Michael, I got all the players from the team we watched a couple of weeks ago to sign it for you."

Sarah was shocked and Anna shook her head in wonder as a waitress showed up at their table with an extra large pizza, paper plates, and napkins.

Ryan grinned as he watched Michael and Bobby's eyes grew extra large when the pizza was placed in the center of their table. The ball was quickly stuffed back into the box and forgotten as the boys dug into the pizza with glee.

Shortly after the pizza arrived two girls walk into the place dressed on the trashy side of provocative. Sarah looked up and recognized them. They turned and waved to her. She glanced back to her sister then to Ryan. "Excuse me a minute, some people I know just walked in."

Sarah walked over to talk to them as Ryan looked at Anna. She was clearly enraged. She started to get up when Ryan reached across the table, shaking his head no. 

She looked like she was boiling inside, barely able to contain herself. "I just want to shake her."

"I know but she's a big girl, she can decide her life for herself."

"But what if she decides to go back? Are you willing to just let her go?"

Ryan looked away and frowned. He didn't want her to go back. But he also believed that you could never force anyone to do something that they truly didn't want to do. If she went back, it would be because she wanted or needed to go back. At the same time, he knew he wasn't going to let her go without a struggle. "Not without a fight."

Anna nodded and relaxed a bit, but she still kept an eye on her sister, just in case.

Eventually, Sarah came back to the table and sat quietly for a minute. She looked at their worried faces and smiled sheepishly. 

"They wanted me to come back to a party with them." She looked carefully at Anna and Ryan and shook her head. "I told them no, I don't want to live that kind of life anymore. They tried to convince me that it was okay but I told them t hat I hoped they had a good time but that it wasn't for me. I've moved on with my life. I wished them well. I'll probably never see them again."

"Good," Anna muttered under her breath and Ryan nodded. He reached over and touched her hand gently offering her a reassuring smile.

Both boys acted as if they were oblivious to what was going on but Ryan could tell by the expressions on their faces that they knew more than they let on.

After Ryan dropped off Anna and her boys, he stood next to his car with his arms wrapped around her waist. "I've got two tickets to see a play Saturday night. Want to go?"

"Where?"

"At the university. The drama department is putting it on."

"Sure, how should I dress?"

"Casual is fine. 

She wore a mischievous smile. "Like when you're taking me out for dinner?"

"Okay, then I'll take you out for dinner too."

"Great, dinner and a show, it's a date. See you do surprise me all the time." She played with his shirt collar then leaned in to kiss him on his cheek.

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when I asked you to surprise me for our three month anniversary? Well, you just did. I haven't been to a play since grade school." She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. 

"I gotta go, Anna needs me to watch the boys tonight. She's got a date."

"Really?"

"Yup, I haven't met him yet but hopefully he's better than the last jerk she dated. I'll see you Saturday."

"I'll pick you up at six, okay?"

She smiled and kissed him gently on the lips. "Okay, happy anniversary."

=THREE=

Sarah rode in the passenger seat as Ryan drove into the parking lot near the theatre building on campus. They had just finished dinner at a Guatemalan restaurant that opened up recently downtown and were coming to campus to see the play. The play that Ryan promised Sarah as part of his anniversary gift of 'dinner and a show'. She'd only seen one play in her life before this and that was in grade school and she was anxious to see what it was like.

"So, how's the job going at the law firm?"

"Great. I can't believe it's been two weeks since I met Bryan at the ball park. We've been so busy I've hardly had time to catch my breath."

Ryan got out of his car and leaned across the roof. "I guess I'm a little jealous of Bryan, he gets to see you more than me." He grinned as he locked his car with the remote. 

Smiling demurely, Sarah walked around his car. "Oh pooh, you see me way more than he does. I spend all my time buried in research looking for obscure legal references." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I haven't seen Bryan once since the day he hired me." Then she took his arm as they walked towards the theatre building.

"At the same time, I am feeling a little sad to have lost such a valuable organizer. My office is a total mess already."

She hugged his arm and kissed him on the cheek. "My office job is only part-time for now, I promise to come by once a week to make sure your not trapped beneath a pile of essays."

"Thanks. Do you like the legal stuff?"

"Yeah, surprisingly, I do. At first it was a bit overwhelming but now I think I'm getting the hang of it."

Ryan opened the main lobby doors to the fine arts center on campus and they walked into the lobby. "Would you like to take some classes and work towards paralegal status?"

"Let me think about it, I think I'll need more time to adjust to the job before I'll know for certain."

Ryan glanced up and saw Bill Reynolds standing in the lobby with his date, Trina Collins. "We're meeting Bill Reynolds and Trina Collins tonight.

"Like a double date?"

"Sort of, I found out about the play from Bill who's an old friend and in the drama department. He invited us to join them. Trina is a graduate student he's been dating for a couple of months. She's working on her PhD in the philosophy department. They met when she was working on a thesis project and needed some guidance in ancient drama, which is one of Bill's specialties." 

"You're still full of surprises."

Ryan blushed a bit as they walked through the lobby doors and spotted Bill and Trina near the box office. "Hi Bill, Trina, this is my friend Sarah, she's been helping me out with some of my research lately."

Trina reached her hand out to Sarah with a warm smile. "Hi Sarah, it's nice to meet a fellow traveler in academia."

Sarah shook her hand shyly. She was always apprehensive about meeting genetic girls; it often resulted in an awkward recognition, followed by a certain amount of difficulties and awkwardness. "Well, maybe more of a tourist than a fellow traveler. Although Ryan just told me about some paralegal courses that might be interesting. So who knows?"

Trina leaned forward conspiratorially. "Call me if you want the latest dirt on whose classes not to take. There are some old farts still teaching here. The only reason that they're still vertical is because of the bullshit they wrap around themselves daily."

Bill cleared his throat. "Trina, you really shouldn't talk about my colleagues that way." Then he whispered to Ryan with a wink. "Even if it is true." 

As they turned to go inside they met Miss Cavanaugh walking into the lobby with one of her "lap-dogs" trailing behind her, hanging on her every word. She pointed to the box office and sent her lap-dog over to retrieve her ticket.

Her boy-toy returned, nearly panting with excitement, and she turned to go into the theatre. But not before smiling at Bill and Ryan then offering a sneer of disdain for Trina and Sarah.

Trina's mouth fell open. "That little snotty bitch, Cavanaugh, who does she think she is?"

Ryan smirked and shook his head. "I can't believe that she's getting a degree in guidance and social work."

Bill laughed and clapped Jason on the back. "Isn't she one of your students?"

"Nope, she would have flunked out a long time ago. She belongs to Dr. Wesley, the department chair. That's probably why she got that assistants job in the office."

Bill snorted. "That old fart should have retired ages ago."

Ryan smirked then he glanced into the theatre. "Come on; let's go in before they dim the lights." 

After they found their seats, Sarah sat down and opened her playbill. She looked around at the theatre. It was sort of plain with rows and rows of seats, sort of like a movie theatre, only the seats fanned out a little more. 

There wasn't any curtain covering the stage opening like she had seen when she researched theatre performance on the internet. The setting was of a small apartment with a couch and a chair in front and a dinning room table and chairs higher up on some sort of platform, supposedly so that the audience could see better. 

On one side a dilapidated old fire escape was placed looking like it could fall apart at any moment. An alley lined with old brick buildings closed off her view behind the fire escape, it was even lined with clothes hanging on clothes lines strung across the alley. Just like it might have been in real life. On the other side a small staircase led up to what looked like the front to the apartment. 

She looked down at her playbill again. The title of the play was The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams. She read through the playbill carefully. There were director's notes and some historical background on the play as well. 

The lights slowly dimmed and the room was dark then a single spotlight shown down on an actor dressed in an old navy peacoat and stocking cap. He was standing on the stage near the fire escape. 

He looked out into the audience and smiled bleakly then sighed. "I have tricks in my pocket. But I'm the opposite of the stage magician. Let me take you back to a time when I lived with my sister in a tiny apartment in East Saint Louis..."

Sarah became mesmerized by the performance. It seemed to move seamlessly from moment to moment, from the present to the past, and back again as the actors became their characters and the play unfolded. In no time it seemed the first half was over and the lights came up in the audience area. 

Sarah was transfixed. She had never seen anything like this. Sure she'd seen movies before, but the actors weren't real, just flickering images on the screen. Here they were so close she felt like she could reach out and touch them.

After a trip to the restroom during intermission, Ryan and Bill joined the girls in the lobby near the theatre entrance. A moment later Miss Cavanaugh walked by again, her lap-dog was still in tow and still hanging on her every word. She managed to ignore them all, although Ryan did notice her glance sideways at Sarah with a grimace.

Sarah was anxious to learn what was going to happen so they walked back into the theatre for the second half. At the end of the performance she watched the character of Tom, Laura's older brother stand under the fire escape in his ragged navy peacoat and stocking cap. Laura stood in the living room area with a small candelabra held in front of her face, her mother, Amanda stood behind her crying.

"Blow out your candles Laura." Laura began to blow them out one by one and slowly the image of her and her mother began to fade. Then Tom finally said when he was all alone on the stage and standing in a single spotlight. "And so, good bye." The stage went dark and the audience erupted in applause.

After the show finished they paused a moment in the lobby to say goodbye. "Thanks for telling us about this Bill, they did a great job, the actors were really believable."

"Thanks Ryan, I'm glad that you and Sarah could join us. Let's do it again sometime."

Trina took Sarah's hand and squeezed it gently. "I enjoyed meeting you Sarah, let's get together for coffee sometime, we can look at the class schedule if you're interested."

Sarah smiled sweetly and nodded. "I'd like that."

Sarah took Ryan's arm as they walked out the lobby doors into the cool night air. She snuggled closer to him and smiled shyly. "That was simply marvelous, I really loved it!"

"I'm glad you liked it."

"I can't believe all the places you've taken me since we first met. The museum, the ball game, and now the theatre, it's been incredible."

Ryan smiled. "You're welcome; hopefully we'll go to lots more in the future." 

She let go of his arm and took his hand. "I don't want this night to end so quickly. Can we go to your place for coffee?" 

They walked towards Ryan's car and he unlocked it with his remote. "Sure." He glanced at her then he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm glad you liked the play."

"I've never seen a play like that before." They both got into his car. "It was neat how it wove back and forth between the past and the present, yet it was never confusing as to where we were in the story."

Ryan started his car and drove out of the parking lot. "What did you think about Laura's mother, Amanda?"

"Kind of sad. In a way she was the most tragic of all the characters. She was so brittle, so unwilling to see how the world was changing and leaving her behind."

"And Tom, Laura's brother?"

"I felt sorry for him, in a way. His life was filled with so much regret for abandoning his sister to their mother. The memory of his sister standing there after the gentleman caller left must be haunting him like this play, replayed in his mind countless times. I'm not sure I could have handled it if it were me."

As Ryan drove down the street towards his apartment both of them sat silently lost in thought. She followed him into his apartment as he flicked on the lights. "It's funny but I kind of feel like Laura, the girl in the play."

Ryan walked into his kitchen and pulled out the stuff to make coffee. "Why is that?"

"Because she has an affliction that keeps her apart from others. She tries to live a normal life but it's constantly on her mind, how different she is from others I mean."

Ryan leaned across the island counter and took Sarah's hands in his. "I know you'll find this hard to believe sweetheart, but we all have the same affliction, real or imaginary, in large or small doses. We're all insecure about who we are and what others feel or think about us. Our minds never grow tired of conjuring up elaborate schemes of self-doubt."

"So there's a little bit of Laura in all of us?"

"Just a little, it manifests in different ways but it's always there. I guess it's all part of human nature. Maybe you're more conscious of it than the rest of us but we all suffer from it nonetheless."

Sarah moved around the counter and hugged Ryan tightly. "Thank you for tonight. It was wonderful." She hugged him again and her hug became a kiss, then the kiss became more passionate as her fingers ran through his hair and her tongue explored his mouth. They parted lips and she caught her breath as she looked into his sparkling eyes. She paused a moment then she whispered in his ear. "Would you make love to me?"

He nodded shyly and kissed her lips gently. 

She took his hand and led him down the hallway to his bedroom.

Just a week ago they were sorting laundry on his bed. She had wanted desperately to take him then, but she felt like the timing wasn't right. Tonight she decided to follow her heart. She knew she couldn't wait any longer.

* * *

Ryan stood amazed at her beauty. He watched as she undid her bra and released her beautiful breasts. Her clothing had hinted to him that they were large but now, unmasked by clothing and underwear he could really admire their beauty. They were full with a pouty up turn, each crested with a lovely aureole and stiff plump nipple. He wanted to touch them, to caress them, to suckle from them. She smiled coyly as she took a big breath and filled her lungs to tease him, her breasts arched upwards, defying gravity. 

She lowered her panties and her cock quickly stood rigid against her flat stomach. It was beautiful. It was longer than his, but almost the same thickness. She was cut and the soft pink head throbbed with the rhythm of her heartbeat. He never thought he would ever think that another person's penis was beautiful, but hers was...beautiful. There was no other word to describe it.

"My God, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

She walked over to him seductively and began to unbutton his shirt. "Thank you sweetheart, you are lovely too." 

She undid his belt and let his trousers crumple to the floor. She knelt down in front of him and gently pulled his underpants down revealing his throbbing cock. He was hard, harder than he could ever remember being. He ached to be enveloped by her, to feel her touch, her caress. She leaned forward and kissed the head of his penis, then she licked the under side as she cupped his balls.

He moaned softly as she moved up to the tip and slowly took him into her mouth. She looked up to see him gaze down at her as she moved up and down his shaft slowly. His eyes were filled with passion. The feelings she was offering him were incredible.

He reached down and gently pulled her up to meet his lips with hers. She wrapped her arms his neck and they fell into the bed giggling. "You are so amazing Sarah Daniels, I..."

"Shush, sweetheart, make love to me."

He rolled over and reached for a condom in the drawer in the night table next to his bed. She held his arm. "You don't have to, I'm clean down there." 

"Really?"

"Yes, since the third time we met I've been preparing myself each time, just in case."

"Oh my God, I had no idea you felt that way about me."

Sarah's eyes began glisten with tears. "Oh Ryan, my dear sweet Ryan, I've fallen in love with you, hopelessly, head over heels in love with you."

He wrapped his arms around her neck. "I love you too, Sarah Daniels, so very, very much." He kissed her passionately, their tongues entwined.

She urged him to lie down on his back and then she took a bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer.

She began to coat his cock, slowly moving up and down his shaft. He felt the slickness of her hands as she massaged his stiff rod.

She squirted out a liberal dollop of lubricant and worked it inside her butt all the while covering his face with kisses. She lifted her leg over and straddled him. 

"I know that this is your first time so I thought it would be better if I was on top."

"Sarah, my love, I am yours, possess me, make love to me. Teach me how to make love to you.

She bent over and kissed him gently then sat up, her breasts proudly arching above him. Then she lifted his cock up from his belly and lowered herself down, impaling her ass on his rod.

She sighed as she settled against his stomach, her balls resting above his shaft. Her cock bounced against her stomach and pulsed to the rhythm of her thrusts. As she moved slowly, rising up and down, he moved his body to meet her thrusts, and tears began to fall from her cheeks to splash like huge raindrops against his chest.




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 05



"Sarah, why are you crying? Am I hurting you?"

"No sweetheart, these are happy tears, you fill me with such joy."

A NOTE TO THE READER:

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names, and the places that they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental.

If you believe in coincidence I'm happy for you. However, if you read my other stories you know that I do not, but the lawyers like to see that word in there anyway.

Thank you for reading my work, I hope you enjoyed it. If this is the first time you've read one of my stories, welcome. I hope you take a look at the rest of my work. If you are a returning reader, welcome back, it's nice to see old friends.



Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 06



Flashbacks can be hell.

A Reader's Note: I'm sure you have noticed if you've been following this story from previous chapters, that the plot structure isn't typical. There's a Latin term for this that comes close, "In Medias Res", in the middle of things. While it's not completely accurate, it's the closest I could come to explaining that the story began during their last official meeting, (Chapter One), and is moving to the beginning and end of the story through flashbacks. Because it's not linear I ask that you try not to force it that way and instead allow it to unfold as it is to understand why in the "now", things are like that from the "past".

As always, if you're new to this series I encourage you to go back to the beginning to understand the complex nature of this relationship but then again, you are the reader and I am the scribe, it's your choice. Please enjoy chapter six of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel. 

=ONE=

Today was the fifth Saturday that Ryan and Sarah were going to meet. It was part of the agreement she made with him to discuss her life for his research into gender issues. She thought about that beginning as she ushered her nephews out of the apartment door and down the stairs.

It all started from a simple request made online to any male to female transgendered girl who might be interested in a research study on their lives. It almost didn't happen except for a moment of hesitation when Sarah, poised to down a whole bottle of sleeping tablets, decided to check Craigslist one last time. It was sort of like a farewell gesture of saying "goodbye".

Near the bottom of the page she saw the notice from someone named Ryan Sullivan. He even typed out his real name. He was so naïve. The notice piqued her interest; it was just too ridiculous to be anything other than legitimate. Who was this Ryan Sullivan guy and why would he be interested in a girl like her? He was probably some geeky academic who had no clue what he was asking. 

Well, in a way she got that part right. He was a bit geeky and he didn't have a clue but when she met him she changed her mind quickly and soon found herself falling for him. She couldn't help it, he was wonderful, and accepting, and great with her family. 

She watched him play with the boys while they met in the park. He was hitting grounders with a baseball bat to Bobby and Michael. He was trying to help them improve their chances of going out for a little league team. It was sad that the boys didn't have a father. Well they did have a father, but that deadbeat was spending five to ten in the state penitentiary for armed robbery. The jerk. And Anna, her sister, was a mess because of it. 

Of course Anna wanted to see Sarah come off the streets and granted, with Sarah sitting in a hospital room at the time, she was fed up with that life too. She sat there looking like she'd been in a train wreck, all wrapped in bandages. They covered the wounds on her body caused by a crazy asshole, high on meth and something else, who thought she was some sort of sex-toy punching bag. 

But part of the reason why her sister was so adamant was because she knew herself that she couldn't do it all alone, not raise two boys and keep them safe. She needed Sarah as much as Sarah needed her. And she also knew that Sarah would probably be dead or in jail in six-months if she didn't intervene. 

She watched Ryan hit a pop fly over the boys' heads. Her nephews went scrambling into the bushes in search of the ball. She shook her head and smiled. The boys were always so jubilant whenever Ryan was around. It was as if he treated them like they were his own. She was falling for him for that reason too, there wasn't any doubt.

He walked back over to the bench where Sarah was seated and plopped down. "Here's a question for you, why didn't you ever go the S&M route? I did a little background work before I started this new research. From what I've read, it's often popular to go into that area for a girl in your position. And, if I understand it correctly, it can be rather lucrative advertising as a Mistress or Dominatrix, plus it keeps you in control. It also makes it harder for crack-heads to beat you up when they're tied up like a hog waiting for slaughter."

Sarah chuckled at the thought of a guy trussed up. It was true, she'd known a couple girls who had learned to use those techniques, and because they had control during sex, they could also keep themselves safe. One of her girlfriends even told her that by learning S&M properly it was a way to keep their clients safe too. The SSC or 'Safe, Sane, and Consensual' concept was quoted, although her friend admitted it was ignored far too often.

But the bottom line was that if she decided to go down that route she might eventually need to cause pain because somebody wanted it to get off. And that was something she simply didn't think she could do. She decided to stay away from S&M or any of its more extreme fetishes. Indeed some of the more extreme examples, such as golden showers, made her cringe. 

There were some of her lesbian feminist friends that really didn't care for men; indeed some of them down right detested them. They used S&M to make themselves feel superior, and preferred the company of women. If truth were told, they hated male-to-female transsexuals as well. So none of that rang true for her.

Sarah shook her head and smiled. "That's funny about the hog tying, I suppose for some they might look a little silly all trussed up like that. But I have no attraction to any of the weirder fetishes involved with S&M; in fact some of the kinkier ones make me ill to think about. However, once, when I saw a Dom's client tell her they were into S&M and liked to bottom, I watched her visibly relax, because she knew then that she would have control. On the street, that's a nice benefit."

"One of the Dom's I knew warned me about the amount of effort I would have to give if I chose to work in that world. It would change the way I interacted with people. You have to learn how to manage the various fetishes properly, especially bondage, it you're going to stay in that world. From the outside, it sounded like the girls had the control but that wasn't really true. Control takes work, and keeping your clients happy under your control puts you in the position of being their caretaker, as you constantly deal with the nuances of a client's fetish. I agree, the S&M world could be lucrative, but it was also very complicated. In the end, it would always boil down to a simple relationship of domination and submission. The men those girls were with were always their subs, never their lovers, and the girls could never allow themselves to be seen on an equal footing with these clients for the sake of their fetish."

"Think about it Ryan, just keeping up my role as a Dom would have made it impossible for us to be together as we are now, friends," she nudged his shoulder gently, "and maybe more."

He nodded as he turned to look at her.

She tilted her head slightly and smiled serenely. "We would never have met and my nephews would be strangers." She shook her head and reached over to take his hand. "So I knew from the beginning that S&M wasn't for me. I liked to be with men, and I liked men who wanted to be with me. And I always hoped that there would be the possibility of a deeper relationship developing,"

"So you were looking for love? Even in that world?"

"Yeah, I was naive, a little anyway." She gazed off across the park and watched the boys search through the bushes for the missing ball. She glanced sideways at Ryan and smiled wistfully. "It just took me longer than I expected to find a friend." She nudged his shoulder again with a smirk. "Apparently all it took was answering a crazy ad on Craigslist."

"Hey Ryan, we found the ball! Come back and hit another one!"

=TWO=

The Simple Grounds Coffee Shop was across the street from the university. It was a quaint little place that used to be a family home in the 1950's. Rob Anderson bought the place a couple of years ago and he turned it into a chic little bistro. It's become one of the more popular places near campus for students to hang out and study. Mainly because of the little nooks and crannies that Rob left intact. They made it a great place to curl up with a good book and sip on your favorite brew.

Sarah sat across the table from Trina in a little nook off the landing to the second floor. It was secluded and offered a unique view of the campus from the round cut glass window that overlooked the entrance to the coffee shop. 

Sarah watched Trina sip her coffee. "Trina, I want to be upfront with you about something." 

Trina set her coffee mug down and looked up, a bit concerned.

"But before I tell you this I want you to understand that if it bothers you, I'll understand if you don't ever want to see me again." She paused a moment and glanced away. "But I will miss you as a friend."

"Sarah, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, it's just me, I want you to know who I am that's all."

Trina held her breath and nodded. "Okay." Her voice trailed off.

"I'm a pre-op male to female transsexual."

Trina let her breath out in a whoosh. "Whoa, didn't see that one coming." She paused a moment and watched her spoon slowly stir her coffee.

"Trina? Are you okay? I'll understand if you're angry."

"I'm not angry, surprised maybe, shocked, a little amazed, perhaps even fascinated." She looked up into Sarah's eyes with a mischievous smile. "Who else knows? Cavanaugh?"

"God no, I hope not. I think she suspects but I've never given her any real proof."

"Fuck her, what can she do?"

"Make my life miserable now that I'm taking classes here at the university."

Trina's expression was filled with determination. "That fucking cow. Let me know if she causes any trouble. I know things."

Sarah leaned forward, her eyes dazzled with excitement. "Like what?"

"Like she pads her butt and her bra for instance."

"How do you know that?"

"High school gym class locker rooms, I caught her mid stuff one day. Cavanaugh squealed in protest and claimed that it was just for a joke for her friends but I knew she was lying.  I'd seen her do it plenty of times before. The girl is flat as a board, maybe flatter. And that cute little pouty butt of hers is as flat as her chest." 

Both girls giggled and glanced around to make sure no one else was paying attention.

"Do you think maybe she's like me? You know, covering it up and trying to deflect attention to others to cover up the fact that she's not a genetic girl?"

"No, I've seen her in the shower, she's just flat as a board, that's all."

"Humph. That's funny but it won't touch her. I need something that will really shut her up. I'm not going to use it on her, I just want to rattle her cage a little."

Trina sat back a moment. Sarah could see that she was coming to a decision. "Just say two words, Shelly Rhodes."

"Shelly Rhodes? You mean the abortion clinic?"

"Uh-huh. She was sixteen. My sister worked there as a volunteer when she was right out of college. Our little Miss Goody-Goody Two Shoes paid them a little visit late one night after all of her protester friends had gone home for the evening."

Trina took a sip from her coffee cup and glanced around again. "She was out of school for two months after that. Her daddy had to pull some strings to keep her from having to repeat her sophomore year at Central High." Trina grinned. "Does that help?"

"Yeah, that helps a lot." Sarah paused for a moment and gazed out the window. Clouds were rolling in; it was probably going to rain soon. "Why is it that the ones most vehemently opposed to people like me are most often the ones carrying the most baggage?"

"No clue."

"So, you're okay with what I am?"

Trina leaned across the table and took Sarah's hands in hers. "What you are doesn't matter to me. Who you are is all that matters and I think you're great. Now come on, let's take a look at the fall class schedule."

"Okay, but I have to go soon, I'm due at the law office by one o'clock today."

Trina nodded and pulled out the fall class schedule. "When do you see Ryan again?"

"Tonight, why?"

"There's a ball game Sunday afternoon, it's almost the end of the season. Bill and I are going and we wondered if you and Ryan wanted to join us?"

"I'll ask him." She thumbed through the fall class schedule and stopped at the course listing for Sociology and Criminal Justice. She pointed to a couple of classes and looked up at Trina. "Okay, you told me last time that Peterson is okay but Brinsteed is difficult."

The conversation shifted to the complexities of class schedules and finding a balance between work and school. Before long Sarah was stuffing her notes into her backpack and standing up. "Thanks Trina, you've been a big help; in more ways than one."

Trina motioned Sarah to sit down and come closer. "Don't underestimate that little bitch Cavanaugh, I've watched her do nasty things to people all through high school. She has managed to wheedle her way into a position of pseudo-authority and she'll use it if she can find a way to damage you."

"Shelly Rhodes won't shut her up?"

"Oh, it'll shut her up alright but she'll look for another way to get at you if she can. Just be careful. I'll keep my ears open too."

"Thanks Trina, you're a good friend. Bye."

Sarah turned and dashed down the stairs.

=THREE=

That weekend Ryan and Sarah drove across town to visit his grandmother at the Baymoor Senior Center. It has been a couple of months since they moved her in and they wanted to see how well she was adjusting. Later that evening they were planning to celebrate their six-month anniversary with a dinner date to the sushi restaurant Shogun. It was the place they went to on their very first date.

Ryan knocked on her door and opened it slowly. "Hi there, anybody home?"

Elizabeth looked up from a book she was reading. "Ryan, oh and Sarah too, how wonderful. Karen's supposed to drop by soon too." She stood up slowly and pulling her walker around began to move towards the kitchen. "I should make tea."

Sarah walked into the kitchen with Elizabeth. "I'll help."

Ryan dropped their jackets on a chair near the front door. "How have you been? Are you making the transition okay?"

Elizabeth busied herself by filling the kettle with tap water. "Oh, I'm fine. There are things that bother me a little but I'll eventually get used to the way they do things around here. I do wish they didn't try to treat me like I'm a child. That condescending drivel is exasperating at times." Elizabeth opened a cupboard door and pulled down several different boxes of tea. 

Sarah took the teakettle from Elizabeth and placed it on the stove. "Have you spoken to anyone about it?"

"No, they all have deaf ears." Elizabeth pointed to a cupboard near the sink. "The mugs are over there by the sink, dear." She turned the dial on the burner beneath the kettle. "I've decided to reverse the psychology. I'll treat them like little children and perhaps they'll get the message that way."

Sarah snorted. "Good luck. People can be so thickheaded when it comes to preconceived ideas. I ought to know."

Ryan leaned against the frame of the kitchen doorway and nodded.

Elizabeth patted her hand. "I bet you do. The water will be hot in a minute. So tell me about school." Sarah could see the gleam of excitement in her eyes. "Ryan told me you're taking classes this semester. What degree are you going for?"

"No real degree yet, I just want to get my paralegal certification. My boss at work told me they would have a position waiting for me once I graduate."

"Good for you! How long will it take?"

"I'm hoping to be able to finish up next spring."

"Excellent."

They heard a knock on the front door and Karen poked her head in. "Hello? Anybody home?" 

Ryan turned around to see his sister walking into Elizabeth's living room. "Hi sis, join the party."

Karen stepped into the room and noticed Sarah in the kitchen. She hesitated for a moment then, as if setting her resolve, she walked over to give Ryan a hug and peck on the cheek. "Hi Ryan." She glanced into the kitchen to see Sarah watching her. She nodded with a meek smile. "Hi Sarah."

It was an awkward moment. All the excitement about Sarah's decision to go back to school seemed to have left the kitchen in a whoosh.

Elizabeth pushed her walker forward. "Let's go back in the living room where we can be more comfortable."

Sarah hesitated. "I'll wait for the water to get hot."

"That's not necessary dear, the kettle will whistle when it's ready."

Sarah stood by the kitchen door anyway, trying to keep her distance from Ryan's sister.

Now settled onto the sofa again, Elizabeth sighed as the room fell silent. She furrowed her brow; she didn't like to see such pettiness between the people she loved.

Suddenly, Karen stood up and marched across the room to throw her arms around a shocked Sarah. "I'm sorry Sarah. I was acting like a total bitch when we first met. You're so beautiful. It really shocked me when I realized who you were. Maybe I was a little jealous too, I don't know. I just wanted to apologize for then and for the future when I say something stupid again."

Sarah's eyes grew large as Karen hugged her, then they began to moisten. "Thank you Karen, this means a lot to me." She tentatively placed her arms around Karen and gently returned her hug. "For many reasons, being close to Ryan's family, to Elizabeth, and you, it means so much to me. Thank you."

They stood in that embrace for a long time, as if no one else was in the room. Ryan smiled and Elizabeth beamed for joy. Eventually, Karen sighed and let her go. She stood back and looked at her again. "Who does your hair?"

"What?"

"Your hair. Who does your hair for you? I love that style."

"M-my sister Anna."

"Is she a stylist? Would she take other clients?"

"Well no, she works in a bank."

"Would she consider working on me? I hate where I go now, they're a bunch of butchers, I look like Helen Bonham Carter on a good day."

"That's not true. But I'll ask her. She loves to do hair, she always has. It's like therapy for her."

Karen reached over and took Sarah's hands in hers and smiled sincerely. "Thank you."

Sarah shrugged her shoulders and nodded.

*>

Dinner at Shogun was fun. Sarah stayed well away from the wasabi this time. She even shot Ryan a warning look when he smirked as she put the wasabi in a small bowl and pushed it towards the edge of the table. 

Afterwards they drove back to Ryan's apartment. In the car, Sarah leaned against his shoulder and offered a contented sigh. "Thanks for taking me to dinner. It was lovely."

"You're welcome. Would you like to go anywhere else tonight?"

"Your place?"

"Okay."

Once in the apartment she followed him into his kitchen and leaned across the island counter, placing her chin in her hands.

Ryan pulled a bottle of red wine from a cabinet. "Would you like a glass of wine?" 

"Sure." She walked around the kitchen counter and snuggled up against him as he twisted the corkscrew into the bottle. She loved his smell. It was a mixture of soap, shampoo and his sex and it was intoxicating. She wondered if he thought about her the same way? Was he curious about how she felt when they made love? Did he ever make love to his wife Teresa anally? Would she have accepted him that way? Did he want to know what it was like? She knew that there was only one way to find out.

"Do you ever think about what it's like for me when you make love to me?"

"You mean..."

"Yeah, what it feels like?"

"I haven't, no. I just know how wonderful it is to be with you. Is that selfish?"

"No, of course not. I know how marvelous you make me feel when you make love to me and I wondered if you were curious about how it might feel if someone was to make love to you?"




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 06



"You know, the way I was raised, talking about this was always such a taboo among the boys that I knew. I mean, all my friends would joke about it or even threaten people with it. The whole act was a scary thing to consider for a young boy. The idea that someone could beat you down so much they could fuck you in the ass. For a fifteen-year-old kid, it was a sobering thought that someone could force you to submit yourself, totally. We all ran from the idea and we did whatever we could to prevent it."

He turned around and handed Sarah a glass of wine then they walked into the living room to sit down. 

He leaned forward and set his glass on the coffee table. "Sometimes I wondered why it was such a forbidden thing? I guess, at the time, religion had a lot to do with it. You know, the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing. Plus there's the whole act of forced domination over another."

"But what if there's pleasure? What if the idea of giving yourself to another was a pleasurable thing?"

"I studied a lot of things related to gender issues before I started developing my research. I've read that pleasure, and pain, are part of the experience, just like it is for a woman for the first time." Ryan shrugged his shoulders and sat looking out the window at the night sky.

Sarah took a big breath and let it out slowly attempting to settle her nerves. This was so hard for her. She was afraid that if she said the wrong thing she would ruin everything but she loved him so much. "Have you ever thought about...well, I mean, what if we." Her quavering voice trailed off.

He turned back to look at her. "You mean?"

"Yeah, you and me?" She blushed bright crimson and dropped her eyes. "If you don't want to that's okay. I understand. I just wanted to share myself with you, to make you feel as wonderful as you make me feel. That's all." Her voice trailed off again into silence before she finished.

Ryan blushed as well. He bowed his head and sat very still. 

Sarah was beginning to wonder if she had pushed too far too fast. She began to stammer. "I-I'm sorry Ryan. I-I wanted to give y-you the same pleasure you g-give me." Her eyes began to well up with tears. "I-I'm sorry..."

Ryan reached up and gently cupped her chin in his hands. "Sarah, you're such a beautiful soul. Of course I would like that. I would do anything for you."

"Really?" She wiped her eyes.

"Of course. But you should understand that when it comes to things like this I have no experience. I don't know anything."

She reached forward and wrapped her arms around his shoulders to pull him into a big hug. "I love you Ryan Sullivan, I truly, truly do." She stood up and extended her hand. "Come on sweetheart."

"Now?"

She blushed a bit and nodded.

He gave her his hand and let her lead him back to his bedroom, a place where only six weeks earlier they'd made love for the first time. 

"I guess you get to be my teacher again like you've been since the first day we met."

She led him through the bedroom and into the bathroom where she showed him what to do to prepare for her.

"Just use this enema rinse with warm water. The directions are on the bottle."

"Is this what you do for me?"

She nodded and leaned forward to kiss him gently on the lips. "Uh-huh, each time." She walked to the door and turned to smile sweetly. "I'll get the bed ready. Come out whenever you're ready."

* * *

Ryan nodded and turned his attention to the directions on the enema bottle as Sarah closed the bathroom door softly. He took a big breath to settle his nerves. This was going to be a huge step for him, giving himself to her, being her bottom as he's heard others describe it.

He knew that there would be pain involved, but he trusted that she would be gentle with him. She was such a beautiful woman, so kind and generous. He felt such love from her, knowing that she could have any man, but she chose him. He blushed at the thought. She chose him. 

He glanced at the instructions on the bottle again. He opened the hot tap in the sink and let it run until it got warm. He began to remove his clothes and glanced up into the mirror to look at his naked body. He wasn't fat or chubby or anything like that but all the virility of his youth was gone. Still she picked me, he couldn't stop thinking about it. She picked me. 

The water was warm now. He opened the bottle and filled it to the mark on the side. He glanced up again in the mirror. He was about to feel her inside him. The thought made him hard again. He looked down at his cock. It was okay, not big, not small, just okay. She was bigger. She wasn't huge, thank God, but she was big and the thought made him a little nervous. What if he wasn't any good? What if they couldn't do it? What if... He sighed and half smiled as he glanced back into the mirror again. 

It didn't matter, nothing mattered, except his love for the woman waiting for him beyond the bathroom door, and her love for him. 

He shook the bottle to mix the contents and began to prepare himself for her.

* * *

She raced around his bedroom, lighting candles, pulling down the bed covers, puffing up the pillows and making sure that everything was just perfect.

She turned and glanced across the room. Beyond that door her lover was preparing his body for her so she could make love to him. She felt giddy, like a schoolgirl waiting for a boy to kiss her for the first time.

She quickly disrobed, draping her dress on the chair besides the bed. Naked, she knelt on the bed and waited for him, her breath matched her rapidly beating heart. 

Countless times she'd fucked boys, ramming her cock into their tender butts, hearing their moans and sometimes their screams. But this time...this time was different, way different. She felt like she was fifteen again and he was her first.

The bathroom door slowly opened and the light switched off. The shadows cast from the candlelight danced across the room as Ryan slowly emerged from the bathroom and stood at the edge of the bed.

She reached forward and took his hand in hers, pulling him gently onto the bed with her. She could see that he was nervous; he was shaking like a leaf. She pulled him into a hug, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him tight, her nipples were tickled by the hairs on his chest. "I love you darling."

"Please be gentle."

"I will. We'll go slowly and we can stop at any time, my love. I know that there will be a little pain at first but, if you can bear it, the pleasure will be well worth it."

She kissed him tenderly then looked down his body. He was hard; his cock was rigid against his stomach, straining to be released from the confines of his boxers. She could feel his heartbeat; it was as quick as hers.

"Lay down here darling, and I'll take your boxers off." She tugged a little and they slid off down his legs.

She placed several pillows under his butt then she reached across to the nightstand to pick up a bottle of lubricant. She coated her fingers liberally then stroked her rigid cock with more lubricant. She placed her finger at his opening and gently moved it inside, reaching her knuckle with little resistance. She moved it around trying to coat his insides. A moment later she added her second finger trying to stretch him so that he could accept her. She wasn't huge but she was big and she didn't want to ruin the whole experience for him. She wanted him to savor it, to crave it, like she did with him.

She moved her fingers around a little more. "How does that feel sweetie?"

"It's good, strange, but good."

She moved her fingers up against the wall of his rectum. 

He clenched a moment as he felt pressure inside. "Oh, what's happening there?"

"That's your prostate, it's sort of like a boy's answer to a girl's g-spot." She rubbed it a little more vigorously and he began to moan louder. "I think you're ready for me sweetheart."

He nodded and opened his eyes to watch her as she inched her body closer and placed the head of her bare penis at his opening. She leaned forward a little more and her cock slipped past his sphincter.

"Oh!"

"Are you all right? Does it hurt?"

"No, its okay, it just surprised me. I'm fine but I think I'll need a moment to adjust to you, you're so big you really fill me up."

She smiled and arched her back, pushing her full breasts out and up to stand proudly on her chest. She felt so wonderful, so magnificently wonderful, making love to the love of her life. She knew he was, there was no doubt in her mind, because he filled her heart with such joy.

She rubbed his hips and then moved her hands to caress his cock, stroking it slowly up and down.

"Okay, I'm fine now, you can push in further."

She continued to stroke his penis as she slowly pushed her cock further into him. He moaned as she moved into his body but he didn't protest. A moment later she felt his balls against her abdomen as she pushed all the way into him. "I'm all the way in my love, how does it feel?"

"Amazing. I feel so full. Oh my God, you're moving inside of me. Oh fuck that's wonderful!"

She slowly began to pull out and thrust back into him. As he got used to the feeling of her thrusts inside of him she began to pick up the pace, thrusting deeper and harder, until she was nearly slamming into this body.

"Oh shit, more sweetheart, fuck me harder, oh shit! I'm going to come!" 

His seed began to ooze from the tip of his cock and dribble down the shaft to puddle at the base. She continued to stroke him, matching her strokes to her thrusts. It felt so good to be inside of him, to make him hers. 

He wrapped his legs around her and locked his ankles behind her back as if never wanting to let her go. 

Her eyes began to well up with tears. She was making love to the man of her dreams, the man she loved with all her heart.

=THREE=

Ryan pulled his car into the outer parking lot for the ballpark. He figured they could use the walk anyway and besides, he really didn't want to pay the extra thirty dollars to park a half block closer. Sarah didn't seem to mind, she was acting like she was floating on a cloud anyway. They had made love again last night, each filling the other with their love. It was amazing.

Ryan nudged her shoulder as they walked towards the ticket booth hand in hand. "Hey crazy girl, when you float back to earth you want to eat at the park or go somewhere after?"

"Let's go somewhere after, hotdogs and pretzels get old after a while."

Ryan nodded as they stepped up to the window. "Two reserved seats please on the third bases side." He turned to Sarah. "We get a better view from there because the afternoon sun isn't in your eyes."

"All the better to see that foul ball as it comes streaking at you."

"Exactly."

"Are we meeting Bill and Trina inside?"

Ryan nodded as they walked away from the ticket booth. "Yes. Bill has season tickets so they're probably in box seats up close. Personally, I hate being wedged in between some guy with a hotdog and too much mustard and another guy with too many beers. I feel kind of claustrophobic."

"I agree and it's cloudy today so the upper deck will be great. I'll text Trina and tell her where we are. Maybe they'll join us."

They handed their tickets to the gate usher and headed up the long ramp to the central concourse. A few minutes later Sarah got a text from Trina. "She said they'll probably join us in a bit, they want to wait until after the third inning."

Ryan looked at her quizzically. "I wonder why?"

"Something about the team mascot pitching game t-shirts and they might be able to grab one, I don't know. She told me it's what they like to do."

Ryan chuckled as they started the long climb up the stairs to the third deck. 

An hour later Ryan waved to get Bill and Trina's attention as he saw them emerge from the lower level. They stood looking around then waved back when they saw Ryan.

Bill, still huffing from the climb, collapsed into a seat near Ryan. "I suppose you just had to sit all the way to the top, didn't you?"

"Ha, sorry, but you have to admit that the view is lovely up here."

"Yeah, I guess it is. How're you doing?"

"Not bad, classes are going well."

"And your research project?"

"It's doing great. I've managed to contact a few more subjects with Sarah's help, and they've agreed to do a survey for me. With that my preliminary research will be finished. And then it's onto the drudgery of data analysis and written summaries. The fun will be over."

A pop fly over the second baseman's head landed just short of the center fielder. Bill shouted in exasperation. "Would you look at that? It's like they're having a tea party out there!" He turned and sighed. "I hear you. My department chair has been pushing me to finish my sabbatical work but my heart just isn't in it at the moment."

They heard the crack of a bat and a foul ball looped high into the air in their direction.

Sarah held up her nephew's glove anxiously but the ball zinged over their heads and out into the parking lot below. A moment later a car alarm went off. They all laughed. Somebody would be seeing an auto body shop on Monday.

Ryan lifted up his drink and took a sip. "Any plays coming up?"

"Not for a month or so. Blithe Spirit went well at the box office so the directing faculty will probably try to choose more plays like that next year. For now we have a drama coming up. It's a contemporary piece about college girls and date rape." Bill lifted his beer with a shrug. "Happy days."

Several seats over Sarah and Trina were talking softly in a huddle. Ryan glanced over and caught Sarah's eye. She shrugged with a smirk, which told him that it was probably 'girl talk'. He nodded and turned his attention back to the game.

* * *

Sarah leaned in towards Trina; her wide eyes were filled with shock. "What?" 

"That's why we're here today. Bill wanted to tell Ryan before it was announced at the university."

"But what about your studies? Are you nearly finished?"

"No, but Bill said he talked to the folks at his new job and they said that most of my hours would transfer but that I would have to do a few classes over. Either that or stay here for another year while Bill is in Cleveland. He did say something about taking some of my classes online but we have to look into it before I can say more."

In a gesture of exasperation, Sarah ran her fingers through her hair. "Damn, well, just damn. I mean, I'm happy for you Trina, I really am but damn it, I'm loosing a good friend and well, damn it."

Trina smiled meekly then pulled Sarah into a big hug. "I won't be so far away that I can't visit."

Sarah looked up a bit disheartened. "Yeah, we'll meet somewhere in Pennsylvania at a truck stop on I-80."

"Oh, don't be like that. We'll see each other, I promise."

"I know, I'm just being selfish. I am happy for you and Bill, I truly am. I just have so few friends that I can count on so I guess I hate the thought of losing one."

"You're not losing me Sarah."

"I know. You know what I mean." She glanced at Ryan to see if Bill had told him yet and it looked like he just did. She took in a big breath and let it out slowly with a little sigh. "So when do you guys leave?"

"The end of the summer. We're going up to Cleveland over winter break to look for an apartment. And then..." Trina blushed as she looked into Sarah's eyes.

"Are you two," she paused a moment and her voice soften to a whisper, "getting married?"

Trina nodded and Sarah squealed like a schoolgirl.

* * *

Ryan glanced over at Sarah and watched her jump up and down in her seat. "My guess is that Trina just told Sarah about the wedding."

"Yeah, she's going to ask Sarah to be a bridesmaid in the wedding." Bill laughed out loud. "There's the next squeal, she just asked her."

Ryan laughed at his girlfriend's antics. She was such a sweet little girl sometimes and it always made him smile. Bill was only about twelve years older than Trina so the age difference wasn't much for them but Sarah's age difference was often on his mind. He knew that every time he started to bring it up. But she wouldn't hear any of it. He also knew what she thought about it too. He remembered their last conversation on the subject.

"Come on Sarah, you can't deny the fact that things will constantly be changing for me. Sixty is just around the corner and then seventy. You won't even be in your forties."

Sarah's eyes filled with tears. She pulled him into a hug. "Shut up, shut up, shut up." She whispered softly as her tears spilled out onto his shirt. "I don't care if you're eighty years old, you dummy, I love you. So just stop, I mean it. Not another word, okay? Promise me? Not another word, okay?"

They stood there for the longest time in that embrace while she sobbed into his shoulder. 

He held her tightly feeling her beautiful breasts press against his chest. "I thought when Teresa died that, that was it, that was my one chance at happiness in this life. All that was left for me was to just go to work, retire, and spend my remaining days in an old folks home starring out at the world passing me by. But I was wrong, so very, very wrong. When I met you everything changed. You brought life back into my world." He leaned back and looked into her eyes. "I love you Sarah, with all my heart, I truly love you."

A crack of the bat and the crowd roared. Ryan looked up from his reverie to watch a ball sail out over the center field wall.

"A homerun!" Bill jumped up from his seat and screamed like everyone else in the stadium. "Son of a bitch! They pulled it off! I don't believe it."

Ryan began to gather up his stuff. He glanced over to Sarah. "Come on sweetie, we should go."

Sarah picked up her soda from the cup holder. "Why? There's fireworks tonight, don't you want to see them?"

"Not really, they bother me."

"Why?"

Ryan threw his jacket over his shoulder and gathered up her nephew's baseball glove. "Cause I have issues with things exploding over my head." 

"You do?"

He nodded and smiled meekly.

"Oh, okay."

=FOUR=

Tuesday of the following week, Ryan asked Sarah if she could join him for lunch. He suggested that they eat in the cafeteria because it was close to his office building and he didn't have much time between classes that day.

After walking through the line they sat at a table near a window. 

"So, are you going to help Trina move next spring?"

"Yes, I don't want her to go but I'm so excited for her getting married and all. I can't believe she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I hope the dress isn't hideous."

"It'll be fine, you look beautiful in anything."

"Thanks, I just hope she doesn't put us in chartreuse."

Ryan shook his head and chuckled.

She playfully slapped his shoulder. "It's not funny, I look hideous in that color."

Melissa Cavanaugh walked into the cafeteria with her usual entourage in tow. She stopped for a moment, glancing left and right, and then she decided on a large unoccupied table near the center of the room. Her followers flocked around her and started to settle in at the table until they noticed that they were one chair short.

Melissa stood up and scanned the room. It was nearly full of students trying to grab a quick bite between classes. As she continued to look for an unused chair she suddenly noticed Ryan and Sarah sitting across the room near a window. And she noticed that there was an extra chair at their table.

One of her minions offered to retrieve the chair but Melissa shook her head. She just couldn't pass up the opportunity to get another dig into that bitch Sarah Davies. She began to weave through the cafeteria making nearly a beeline for Ryan and Sarah.

"Well, Mr. Sullivan, I see that you are still associating with a known homosexual." Melissa turned to Sarah with a sneer. "You know, Jesus said that homosexuality is an abomination before God."




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 06



* * *

That was it. He was fed up. He'd finally had enough of her vicious tongue. Ryan stood up slowly and stepped between Cavanaugh and Sarah. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." It was all he could do to not slap the mouthy bitch into next week.

"Back your little religious bandwagon up here a moment, Cavanaugh. Jesus never said that. Go back and check your Bible again little girl, Paul was the one who spouted that bile, not Jesus. And everybody knows that Paul was a crackpot, looney-tune. He was a self-proclaimed zealot, not a chosen disciple by the way. He used religion, and religious fervor, as a means to control, condemn, and castigate people. If you're going to misquote the bible don't do it with me around. Go home and get your facts right before you go public and make a fool of yourself."

Sarah was shocked. Melissa stood like a statue, completely apoplectic. She was unable to utter a single word; her face was beet red. Ryan turned towards Sarah with a grimace. He piled his and Sarah's tray atop one another. Then he reached down and took Sarah's hand. Together they walked to a collection station to dump their trays. Then they walked out of the dinning hall hand in hand.

Sitting around Melissa the crowd of students spoke in hushed tones, glancing towards her from time to time. Melissa slowly turned and returned to her table ashen faced. She had never been so thoroughly rebuked before, and in public no less. She was going to get that little bitch Sarah Davies if it was the last thing she ever did. 

Melissa glanced up at her entourage. They all sat silently staring at her. "What?!" Heads dropped and turned away. Not another peep was heard from the table in the center of the room.

*>

Near the end of the day the following week Sarah was coming down a set of stairs in the History building when she met Melissa starting to climb up.

"Well, rumor has it that you are getting preferential treatment on your grades from Professor Sullivan. As the second assistant to the secretary for the sociology department I think I should inform them of this."

"I hardly think that anything will happen Cavanaugh, because if you had half a brain you'd see that I don't have any classes with Professor Sullivan. So why don't you just shut the fuck up and go bother some freshman somewhere." Sarah continued down the stairs a step or two before Melissa reached out and took her arm to stop her. "You want your hand back?"

Melissa hastily withdrew her hand. "Funny thing about rumors Davies, once they're started it's kind of hard to stop them."

Sarah leaned forward into Melissa's face. "Yeah, I know. Just like the one I could tell about how you stuff your bra and pad your ass."

"How do you know that?" She hissed vehemently.

"It's easy when you know what to look for. Don't mess with me, Cavanaugh."

"I don't care if you tell everyone, it doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned you're just a freak and I'm going to tell everyone I know all about you."

"I hope you do little Miss Prissy, so that I can tell them all about Shelly Rhodes."

Melissa's face turned ashen. She was stunned, opening and closing her mouth without making a sound.

"If I hear so much as a peep out of you..."

"You won't, I swear before Jes..."

"Don't give me your Jesus crap, you believe in that as much as you believe in the tooth fairy. Your truth is in your actions, Cavanaugh. So just disappear and your truth will be safe with me."

Sarah turned on her heel and walked down the remaining steps. At the bottom of the steps she turned and walked off briskly trying hard to wipe the grin off her face. It wasn't every day she was able to best one of these weasels. Today was a good day.

=FIVE=

Later the next week, Sarah decided that it might be fun to add a little play into their newly established sexual experiences. After all, it had only been six months since they were together, and only three months since they started to share a bed. 

She gathered together a few toys and shoving them into a cloth bag, she walked down the three flights of stairs from her sister's apartment and out the front door of the apartment complex. Ryan's apartment was only a few blocks away and he would be home from his last class soon. She was getting hard just thinking about what they would be doing together. She liked teasing him. He was such a good sport about everything. Maybe a little "tie me up, tie me down" might be fun.

She took the two flights of stairs to his apartment two steps at a time, her face was grinning from ear to ear anticipating what was going to happen next. She loved to make him hard, to make him yearn for her. It made the moment so much more pleasurable.

She used her key to open the door and then she ran into his bedroom and hid her bag under the bed. Surprises are always more fun anyway. She almost skipped out of the bedroom and down the hallway to wait for him to arrive. She was giddy with anticipation. Twenty minutes later she heard the latch click in the apartment door.

* * *

Ryan walked into his apartment and immediately the aroma of freshly baking bread assailed his senses. He dropped his briefcase on the chair by the door and walked into the kitchen. "Whatever you're making for dinner smells wonderful." 

"The dinner rolls are in the oven and I'm reheating the stew from last night on the stove."

He wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck then kissed her behind the ear. 

She squirmed under his attention then she spun around and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Welcome home darling."

"Hmm, you are intoxicating."

"You know, sweetie, the dinner rolls will take a while and the stew is nearly ready. Would you like to play a little while we wait?"

"Play?"

"Uh-huh, you said the other day when I asked if you wanted to play with some sex toys. You shrugged your shoulders and said you didn't have any so I brought a few of my own."

Ryan's eyes began to sparkle. Sarah was acting remarkably coquettish; it was really turning him on. He was getting hard watching her act so innocent especially with such a devilish gleam in her eyes.

She reached back and turned off the stove then she turned and walked seductively towards the hallway that led to the bedroom. She glanced back over her shoulder and winked. He melted into a puddle right there on the kitchen floor.

She giggled then she disappeared down the hallway. He could hear the click of her high heels on the tile floor as she walked into the bedroom. He was rock hard. He kicked off his shoes and socks then started to unbutton his shirt as he followed her down the hall.

As he entered the bedroom Sarah was lying seductively in her lingerie on the bed playing with a piece of cloth. Ryan dropped his shirt on the floor, his pants quickly followed. 

Sarah crooked a finger and beckoned him onto the bed. He knelt on the bed next to her then leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.

"Let me slip this on sweetie, things always feel so much more sensual when you can't see. I brought some toys to play. I can see you're excited." She moved around behind him and slipped the cloth over his head like a blindfold. "Anticipation. It's so intoxicating. I love you my darling. I want you to soar tonight. I want you to feel my love for you."

She moved her hands to his shoulders. He felt her encouraged him to lie down on his back in the center of the bed. 

He couldn't see her reach beneath the bed and bring up a fur-covered cuff attached to a soft cotton rope. He felt her bring his arm over and slip it into something, something restraining him. 

Blindfolded, he jerked against the restraint. At first he was curious but then something seemed to snap inside his mind. Suddenly he wasn't at home in his bed with Sarah, suddenly he was in a prison compound being pushed violently into a wooden box barely large enough for a man to crawl into. A rusty metal bucket in the corner of the wooden box filled his nostrils with the smell of excrement. The reek of urine spilled on the floor of the box stung his nostrils. The images were flying around his brain like flashes of a nightmare smashing into one another.

Next, he felt someone try to restrain his left hand and he snapped again as his left hand flew violently away from his attacker. Suddenly, he was back in Vietnam in the middle of a firefight; an unseen enemy surrounded him and wanted to kill him. He had to run.

Ryan dashed off the bed running naked across the bedroom. He disappeared down the hallway. 

*>

Behind him Sarah was startled by his actions. "Ryan, honey, what's wrong? Come back sweetie." She dropped the cuffs and grabbed her clothing. Then she followed him towards the living room.

In the living room ahead, she could hear chairs and tables crashing together. It sounded like a battle zone was erupting when she heard lamps and glass crash to the floor.

As she walked out from the hallway the scene in the living room stunned her. Across the room a pile of furniture had been stacked precariously like a barricade in front of the window. Behind it a crazed looking Ryan crouched, naked, hiding from an unseen enemy. She looked into his eyes; they were totally crazy, like he wasn't inside his head anymore. Like he wasn't Ryan anymore, he'd become some crazed animal trapped in a cage. 

The room was littered with debris, broken, scattered pieces of what a moment before was an ordinary living room in an ordinary apartment.

She tried to calm him down but he was so tightly wound that she knew that a single false move would send him over the edge. Suddenly, he was talking to people who weren't there, motioning to them to hid in places that didn't exist, at least not in this world they didn't. Then he began to move about objects that weren't there either. It looked like he was loading ammunition into ammo clips and jamming them into an imaginary rifle. He was totally immersed in a nightmare world and he was quickly dragging her into it with him. 

Grabbing her and pinning her arms, he pulled her towards the apartment door. He shouted at her that the Vietcong were everywhere. "Dammit Carl, stay down!" He hissed through his teeth as he scanned the hallway outside the front door like a mad dog. "We don't have much ammo left! I'll hold them off as long as I can." He flung the apartment door open again and shoved her out of the room with such force that she flew across the hallway, landing nearly naked and clutching her clothing. She slammed against the far wall and slide to the floor as he pointed an imaginary gun at an unseen enemy. Then the door slammed shut. 

*>

Anna stood in the kitchen fixing dinner for her boys as the front door violently opened and closed. She glanced towards the hallway to see her sister dash by. She only caught a glimpse but she could see that she was crying. Then she heard Sarah's bedroom door slam shut.

"Sarah? What happened sis? Open up, tell me what happened."

Silence. There wasn't a sound coming from Sarah's bedroom. Anna tried the doorknob but it was locked. She jiggled the doorknob and pounded on the door. "Sarah, you're frightening me. What happened? Did you two have a fight? Are you all right? Are you hurt? Sarah!"

She tried the doorknob again. It was still locked. Bobby and Michael came out of their bedroom and looked down the hallway. "What's wrong, Mom? Is Aunt Sarah okay?"

"I don't know sweetie, go back into your room, okay. Supper will be ready in a few minutes."

"Okay, give Aunt Sarah a hug for me okay?"

"All right Bobby, I will."

Anna turned to the door again and spoke softly to her sister. "Sarah, no matter what happened it's going to be all right. You're safe sis, no one can hurt you here. Open the door sis, tell me what happened. Please open the door. Please Sarah."

She heard footsteps softly coming to the door from the other side. Then a gentle click and Anna turned the doorknob to open the door.

Across the room, Sarah sat slump shouldered on the edge of her bed, her hair was in disarray, and long streaks of mascara ran down her cheeks.

Anna walked over and sat down on the bed next to her sister. "What the hell happened?"

Sarah began to cry again, hysterically sobbing into Anna's chest. A moment later, her eyes still filled with tears, she began to tell Anna a little of what happened between sniffles.

"We were playing around, you know, like lovers. Tonight was our three-month anniversary of the first time we made love. I wanted to make it special. You know, add a little spice."

Anna nodded then lowered her head. She was afraid of where this was going.

"So I pulled out this piece of cloth and tied it around his head like a blindfold. As I was putting it on him he was beginning to act kind of strange but I didn't think anything of it. I thought he was getting excited, you know from anticipation. He was blindfolded now and I pulled a set of play cuffs from under the bed where I placed them before he came home. I was going to tie him to the bed. It was innocent, not really bondage, he could easily slip from the cuffs. But then he went nuts. I don't know, maybe I triggered something." 

Anna began to gently stroke her sister's hair.

"I tried to calm him and he went ballistic. He was screaming at me and at people who weren't there. It was just the two of us in the bedroom. He was pointing an imaginary gun at people and firing it off. 

He ran naked into the living room and I followed him. He forced me down to the floor and covered my body so that the others he said that were around us wouldn't see me. He started to call me Carl, he told me that he knew that we'd been through a lot and that if I made it back I was to call his mother and tell her he would be home soon. God, Anna, it was so frightening. He was so scary."

"I know sweetie, I know. He was in a flashback and you were part of it. But he didn't see you as Sarah, he saw his friend. You must have done something to trigger it."

"I knew he had old war wounds, he told me so months ago when I talked about getting beaten up. But I didn't realize. I didn't know how badly he was hurt."

"How could you sis, you weren't there. None of us were there. That war was a nightmare for young men like Ryan. In some ways it was worse for the ones who made it back alive."

"I fucked up Anna. I really, really fucked up. He's the love of my life and I've destroyed it, I've destroyed it all."

*

A NOTE TO THE READER:

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names, and the places that they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental.

If you believe in coincidence I'm happy for you. However, if you read my other stories you know that I do not, but the lawyers like to see that word in there anyway.

Thank you for reading my work, I hope you enjoyed it. If this is the first time you've read one of my stories, welcome. I hope you take a look at the rest of my work. If you are a returning reader, welcome back, it's nice to see old friends and I look forward to your feedback and support for my work.

Dreamweaver594



Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 07



Karma is the fuel that runs the world.

A Reader's Note: I'm sure you have noticed if you've been following this story from previous chapters, that the plot structure isn't typical. There's a Latin term for this that comes close, "In Medias Res", in the middle of things. While it's not completely accurate, it's the closest I could come to explaining that the story began during their last official meeting, (Chapter One), and is moving to the beginning and end of the story through flashbacks. Because it's not linear I ask that you try not to force it that way and instead allow it to unfold as it is to understand why in the "now", things are like that from the "past".

As always, if you're new to this series I encourage you to go back to the beginning to understand the complex nature of this relationship but then again, you are the reader and I am the scribe, it's your choice. Please enjoy this chapter of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel.

=ONE=

Lying on the floor of his apartment naked, Ryan slept fitfully. His mind wandered through thoughts like pages of a book flying around the room in random order. Images seemed to spill out from the pages and fill the air.

At first he saw himself sitting at his computer wondering if he should place an advertisement on Craigslist about a research project he was considering. Should he do it? What if everyone thought he was crazy or worse, stupid?

He watched his hand move the mouse cursor over to the "send" button and click okay.

The room seemed to spin and he was sitting in a café across the table from Sarah. He was holding her hands and looking into her eyes. They were moist and but he didn't understand why she's crying.

Another spin and he watched Sarah standing in a pizza place talking to two women dressed like call girls. Across the room, her sister, Anna, stood glaring at Sarah, her face contorted in distress.

The room continued to spin as random images flew at him.

He stood in a small park looking at someone dressed shabbily. The clothes hung off of her like they were two sizes too large.

His grandmother stood in front of him, crying. Standing beside her Karen, his sister, and Anna, Sarah's sister, appeared. They both reached out with open arms.

Then he stood in a neighborhood park and watched as he hit a baseball high into the sky. Sarah's nephews scrambled for it, running towards the bushes.

Suddenly a baseball floated at him with names scribbled across its face.

He stood in a hallway at the university watching Melissa Cavanaugh try to antagonize Sarah in his office.

He stood on a set of steps looking down at Sarah, her sister Anna, and her two boys sitting on bleachers at a baseball park watching a game.

He watched Sarah hop up onto his washing machine with a giggle. She wrapped her arms around his neck. Then she pulled him into a hug and kiss.

He watched Sarah fan her mouth after she bit into a piece of sushi dipped in soy sauce with wasabi.

He watched her sitting silently mesmerized by a play and then it morphed into a movie in war-torn Morocco.

He saw her standing in his bedroom slowly disrobing. Her breasts were magnificent. Her rigid cock was beautiful. She was stunning. She opened her arms and beckoned him to come to her.

He looked across a museum gallery and watched her stand transfixed by an artist whose work she didn't like but she was captivated by it nonetheless.

He watched her scold him for doubting her word when she told him she read all of Moby Dick.

He watched as Sarah pressed her cock into him. He felt her thrust inside him. He felt her fill him with her seed.

Slowly the images faded and the room grew silent. The voices inside his head were finally silent as he lay on the floor.

His breathing became ragged for a moment and then he began to weep.

Hours later he drifted back to consciousness when he heard a soft knock on his front door. It was followed by another knock and then the gentle voice of Sarah's sister Anna asking him to open up his door for her.

He sat up and looked around the room. It was a total disaster.

And then, it all came crashing back, Sarah, the blindfold, the handcuffs, the bed...the nightmare.

=TWO=

Anna poked her head out of the kitchen door when she heard the knock at her front door. She wiped her hands on a dishtowel and walked quickly into the living room. She looked through the spy hole to see who was standing outside of her door. She was hoping it would be Ryan but it wasn't. The girl outside her door didn't look like someone trying to sell her something. She definitely didn't look like a church lady. There have been a lot of those people lately. They were all trying to sell her on their own version of religion.

She opened the door cautiously and peeked around the edge. "Yes?"

"Hi, I'm Trina Collins, Sarah's friend from the university. Is she in?"

Anna opened her door a little more still unsure of whom this person was. "She is but she's not feeling well."

"Okay, well she hasn't been to school lately. She was supposed to go shopping with me yesterday but she didn't show up so I got worried. In fact Ryan, her boyfriend, hasn't been there for several days too. So Bill, my fiancé, and I are a little concerned that something might have happened. Bill said he missed two meetings and all his classes. He tried calling Ryan but he doesn't answer his cellphone or his house phone."

Anna took a big breath and smiled meekly. "Come in, come in. I'm sorry but I have to be cautious these days when strangers come to my door. I've been bombarded with 'church people' lately trying to sell me their personal brand of religion and it's been a real pain. Please sit down. I'm Anna, Sarah's sister."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you." Trina sat down on the edge of her sofa and looked around the room.

About then two heads poked out of the hallway and stared at her.

Trina smiled at the boys. "Hello."

Anna waved her two boys into the room. "Hey you two come in here and say hello. Trina, this is Michael and Bobby, Sarah's nephews.

"Hello." The boys said in unison.

Trina shook their hands and they stood awkwardly glancing from Trina to their mom.

"All right, get back to your rooms and finish your homework." The boys scrambled back down the hallway leaving Trina and Anna to sit in silence for a moment.

Trina glanced at Anna and smiled. "So, she's not sick is she? What's going on?"

"Ryan had a flashback."

"A what?"

"We call it PTSD today but it's the same thing. He's a Vietnam vet. Something happened and he snapped, went crazy. Sarah was there when it happened."

"Oh God. Did he hurt her?"

"No, thank God, but she's a mess. She believes that it was all her fault. She told me that she was never in danger, that he totally protected her, he even saw her as his comrade. But he totally snapped and she thinks it's her fault. She's been cooped up in her room now for two days. She won't eat; she hasn't talked to me since the day she came back. My boys are worried sick, too."

"Can I see her?"

Anna stood up and gestured for Trina to follow her to the hallway. "You can try, she hasn't wanted to see anyone."

Trina walked past Anna down the hallway to stand at Sarah's bedroom. She gently knocked on the door. "Sarah honey, it's me, Trina. Can I come in?"

The door lock clicked open and Trina went inside. Bobby and Mathew peek around their bedroom door and watched Trina disappear through the door. They looked up to see their mother standing at the end of the hallway, crying. The boys ran to her and gave her a hug.

While Trina was in Sarah's room Anna tried to call Ryan one more time but he wasn't answering his phone. She looked down at her two boys. "Michael, Bobby, I want you to be big boys now. I have to go to see a friend who's in really big trouble and I have to take you with me but I don't want you to get out of the car. Do you understand?"

Bobby looked to his brother Michael with a worried frown. They both nodded. "What about Aunt Sarah?"

"Her friend is with her right now so she'll be okay. Go back to your room and get your homework. I want you to finish it up in the car while I visit my friend. We won't be gone long. Do it quietly, okay?"

"Okay," both brothers chimed quietly.

Anna walked down the hallway and tapped on Sarah's door. A moment later Trina opened it. "Sarah, I'm going to visit Ryan. Do you want to come with me?"

"I can't Anna, I'm scared."

"Why?"

"After what I did? I'm sure he doesn't want to see me." She buried her face in her hands and began to cry again.

Trina rubbed her shoulders gently. "That can't be true Sarah, Ryan loves you. Go with your sister, she needs you to help Ryan."

"I can't."

Anna nodded somberly. "I understand Sis, but I have to go see if he's all right. I'm taking the boys with me so you and Trina can be alone. I'll call you if I see Ryan and I'll let you know how he is, okay?"

Sarah nodded as Anna turned and stepped back into the hallway.

Anna closed Sarah's bedroom door and walked back into the living room where Bobby and Michael stood waiting. Together they walked down the stairs to her car in the parking lot below.

Inside Sarah's bedroom Trina held Sarah in a gentle hug. "Sarah sweetheart, you need to help your sister. Ryan's in a lot of pain right now and honestly, you're really the only one who can make it better."

Sarah lifted her head from Trina's shoulder and wiped her eyes. "I know but I'm scared that he might not want to see me, that he might hate me. You don't know what it was like. He was so frightened, like a tiny wounded animal and yet he only thought of me and my safety. Oh God Trina, I feel so terrible. It was all my fault."

"No, it wasn't. That fucking war was what pushed Ryan over the edge, you were just caught up in it. It's nobody's fault, especially not yours. Now come on, you need to help your sister help Ryan."

"But only if you go with me."

"Why? Do you think he'll hurt you?"

"Oh no never, I just need someone to give me courage."

"Okay, I'm here for you babe."

*><*><*

Anna parked her car in the lot below Ryan's apartment. She'd never been to his place before but she had his address from Sarah and she looked it up on her cellphone's GPS. She turned around and looked at her two boys in the back seat. "Okay, I'll just be a little bit. Stay right here and finish your homework. I'll be checking it when I get back."

She opened her door and stepped out onto the pavement then locked the doors with her remote as she turned towards the stairwell that led to Ryan's apartment on the third floor.

A few minutes later she knocked on Ryan's apartment door. It was silent. "Ryan? Please open the door." She paused to listen but it was silent. "I'm not mad Ryan. I just want to help. Please, open the door. Ryan, please. I'll call the landlord if I have to Ryan. Please open the door. I want to make sure you're not hurt or bleeding."

She heard a soft sound, like feet shuffling on a floor then she heard the lock on his door slowly unlatch. Ryan opened his door and peeked out into the hallway.

Anna stood smiling meekly. "Can I come in?"

He nodded and slowly opened his door.

Anna stood in the open doorway and looked around the room. It looked like a bomb went off in the place. The floor was littered with broken lamps and glass. There were tables and chairs piled against the window in what looked like a makeshift barricade. And there were papers strewn everywhere.

Ryan, in slippers, walked over and sat on his couch. He was unshaved and his hair was a knotted mess. It looked like his feet and hands were bound in bandages. From the looks of it the bandages were covering several cuts and gashes. Anna picked her way through the debris to walk across the living room floor.

She sat down next to him and gently pulled his bandaged hands into hers. It was painful to look at him. He seemed like a shell of the man she saw only a week ago.

She explained that Sarah came home devastated and that she hadn't been out of her room since. "It's been several days Ryan, she's a mess. She won't eat; she won't come out of her room. What happened?"

Ryan sighed then looked into Anna's eyes. He looked so terribly sad. "We were fooling around. She said she wanted to play with some toys, you know, 'toys'. I said okay but I didn't have any. She told me that she did and she'd bring some next time. When I arrived home the next day she was dressed, well, it was pretty hot."

Anna nodded, blushing slightly.

"She put a blindfold over my eyes, which was beginning to freak me out. But when she tried to tie my hands I guess I lost it. I went ballistic. I was screaming and shouting. I totally lost it. I had no idea who she was, or who I was. I was back in 'Nam being shoved into a tiny wooden box. It was like I was there, in the moment. The next thing I remember was I was in a firefight. I thought she was my friend Carl. He was the last one to make it out alive before we were overrun."

Tears ran down Anna's cheeks as she listened to his story.

"I must have pushed her out of the apartment somehow. I really don't remember. God I'm sorry this had to happen. I must have really frightened her." He buried his face in his bandaged hands. "Fuck, I'm a mess."

At that moment Sarah peeked around the open front door. She slowly emerged into the doorframe. Trina stood behind her and whispered encouragement. Anna looked up and gestured for Sarah to come in. When Sarah entered the doorway Trina stepped back down the hall.

As Ryan looked up he saw her standing alone in his doorway. They both paused a moment and looked at one another, then, as if it was choreographed, but it wasn't, they collided together in the living room hugging each other with all their might.

Trina stepped into the doorway and motioned for Anna to leave. Anna, with tears in her eyes, slipped out the door and gently closed it behind her.

Ryan held her tightly. "I'm sooo sorry Sarah."

"I'm sorry too, I should have known better. You told me about it but I just forgot. God, I'm sorry sweetheart." She smothered him in kisses, holding him like her life depended on it.

"I'm fucked up, my love, totally fucked up. My head is a total mess. I was hoping that I had put that all behind me. I'm such a fucking mess."

Sarah continued to kiss and caress him. "Don't worry about it, I love you, it doesn't matter." She pulled him into a hug and gently rocked him. "I don't need blindfolds and cuffs to make love to you, sweetheart. All I need is you in my arms." She held his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. "My God I love you."

*><*><*

It was nearly midnight when they woke up from their nap. Sarah and Ryan spent most of the day cleaning his apartment, trying to restore the order that became chaos in a matter of minutes four days ago.

It was a woman's touch that transformed the apartment, Ryan recognized it, and he'd seen it before when Teresa was alive.

A woman's touch, it's a simple thing really, something to soften the barren nature of reality. As he opened his eyes he slowly looked around the room. Scented candles and simple decorative pillows replaced the clutter of magazines and newspapers that had dominated the room before he met her. A fire, now glowing softly, brought a cozy warmth to the cold apartment.

He knew that the rest of his apartment was transformed as well. Little knick-knacks, more decorative than practical, dotted the counter-tops in the kitchen and bathroom. She added decorative pillows on the bed and curtains on the windows. Over the months she had slowly transformed the place, adding comfort and charm where before there was only a sense of bland utility and order. The thought made him smile.

He was thankful because she was here, with him, lying by his side sleeping peacefully. She snuggled closer as he brushed a lock of her hair out of her eyes and marveled at her beauty.

He remembered a lecture that he gave last week when he asked the members of his human relations class two simple questions.

"Aside from the biological need to procreate, why do women put up with men? And, conversely, why do men put up with women? These are two simple questions but if you really think about it, they are far more profound than you might suspect if you go below the surface."

The class fell silent for several minutes before a woman raised her hand in the back of the room.

"Meghan, go ahead."

"I think men put up with women because women show men the beauty that lies around them in the world."

Ryan stood up and walked around his desk to the blackboard to jot the answer down. "And what about the other question?" Meghan shook her head and the classroom was once again silent until a freckled-faced boy with wire-rimmed glasses raised his hand. "Yes, Thomas?"

"I think women put up with men because men ground women when their flights of fancy bring them too close to the sun."

"Flights of fancy?"

"You know, when their thoughts, or ideas, or dreams need to be grounded in some type of reality. Supportive men don't dash their dreams, they listen and then they find a solid foundation to anchor them."

Ryan nodded as he finished writing the second statement on the blackboard. "I suppose the difficulty for both men and women, if we follow these suppositions, are for either of them to find the right one, man or woman, to hear and respond, to show either beauty or a solid foundation."

"And to speak of ideas that the listener would find worth working towards," Meghan replied softly.

"Perhaps. It's an interesting thought, thank you Meghan, Thomas."

The images of the classroom faded as Ryan glanced back down at his slumbering girlfriend. She was made more beautiful by the flickering warm glow of the firelight. "She lets me see the beauty in the world," he murmured softly running his fingers through her soft hair.

"And you let me feel safe enough to show it to you, my love." Sarah rolled over and stretched. Her arms enveloped him into a cuddle as he bent down to kiss her gently on the lips.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "I love you Sarah Daniels, with all my heart."

"I love you Ryan Sullivan, with all my heart too."

"Are you sleepy?"

"I might be after a snack. Is there any of that wine left?"

"I think so. If not, I'll open another." He stood up and padded softly in stocking feet into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of white wine along with a plate of sliced cheese and some summer sausage.

Sarah followed him into the kitchen and pulled out a box of snack crackers and two wine glasses. She arranged the crackers on the cheese plate and brought a cutting board out from behind the toaster. Together they carried the wine, glasses, and snacks to the coffee table by the fireplace. Then they sat down on the pillows again and snuggled close.

Sarah sighed and leaned against Ryan's chest. "I love this, being here with you like this. I feel so safe here, so wonderfully peaceful."

"Sarah, I'm so sorry..."

"Shhhush, sweetheart. It will never happen again. We'll both make sure of it." She lifted her glass and together they toasted a new beginning. "To us, la chiem."

Ryan leaned around to look her in the face. "Are you Jewish?"

"No, I just like the saying, 'To Life'."

"So do I." He raised his glass again. "La chiem."

*><*><*

Saturday arrived and once again, almost like a habit, Ryan and Sarah sat watching the boys scramble back and forth with a soccer ball, each trying to better the other with fancy footwork.

"Hey, what classes do you have tomorrow?"

Sarah looked up from her homework. "Just a criminal justice course late in the morning, why?"

"The Wizard of Oz is playing tomorrow afternoon at the Bijou, how about a date?"




Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 07



Her eyes twinkled with joy. "Going off to see the wizard sounds like fun."

Ryan twisted his mouth into a smirk. "Oh, and that Huxley book I lent you? There are penalty fees amassing on it even as we speak."

She wrapped her arms around him sending her homework flying. "I'll pay, I'll pay. What is it you demand?"

"Your body and soul of course!"

"You already have it, my darling." She giggled as he swept her up into his arms and kissed her passionately. Then she slipped off his lap and gathered up her books and papers. She stopped picking her books and turned to gaze at him with a curious smile.

He looked into her eyes. "What?"

"You have changed my life, I never knew I could be so happy. I saw so many other girls like me destroy themselves because they lost hope. Their lives were shattered, and I was just a step away from that." She held up her hand with her finger and thumb an inch apart. "I was this close. But you...you gave me hope, something I almost lost. Thank you, my darling, for giving me back my life."

=FOUR=

That night, on a quiet neighborhood street in an affluent gated community, the tranquility of sameness was suddenly broken as dogs began to bark at loud voices heard down the quiet street.

Mini-blinds on living room windows suddenly fluttered open as neighbors peered out into the night. Bleary eyes searched back and forth frantically looking for the cause. Then, turning the corner and down the sidewalk, the neighbors watched as a man marched up the sidewalk dragging a young boy followed by a wildly barking dog. The whole scene was somewhat Dickensian.

Porch lights were ablaze; motion-sensor lights were firing off in rapid succession as one neighbor after another launched themselves onto their porch to discover the commotion. The man pulled the young boy up and pushed him towards the immaculately tailored lawn of an immense home. The dog continued to bark and whine nervously as the man drug the crying boy through the decorative iron gate.

The man hauled the boy up the sidewalk to the front door, unlocked it, and shoved the boy into the house. He tumbled across the marbled foyer floor and fell against the staircase.

"Go to your room faggot and get out of my sight!" The young boy began to scramble up the stairs as the man drew his belt from his pants and whipped it at him narrowly missing the young boy's head.

Melissa Cavanaugh raced down the hallway that led from the kitchen followed closely by her mother. "What's going on, Dad?"

Melissa's mother pushed by her and stood near the bottom of the stairs. "Arthur, what are you doing? Close the doors or the neighbors will see."

The boy stood at the top of the stairs a minute, tears were streaking down his face. Then he disappeared up the next flight. A moment later a bedroom door slammed on the second floor.

"Imagine my surprise! I was just out taking the dog to the dog park when I happened to see our son sitting on a park bench kissing another boy!"

"What?"

"You heard me! He was kissing another boy! And it wasn't some little peck on the cheek either! The faggot!

"Dad!" Melissa tried to push past her mother. "What did you do? Did you hit him?"

"Of course I hit him. I wanted to beat some sense into him! I wanted to knock him into next week! How dare he shame us? In public no less! God knows what else they would have done if I hadn't stopped them. It was sickening to watch." He stood there with his belt swinging in his hands. "I'm going to beat that perversion right out of him."

"No Dad, you can't! He's your son!" Melissa pleaded with her father as she blocked his way to the stairs. "You love him. Why are you acting like this? Isn't this the same boy you said you loved just last night at dinner?"

"Arthur, calm down. You can't fix this by beating him. What would the neighbors think? They might even call the police! It won't do. We need professionals, people who are trained in this sort of counseling. I heard just last week at bible study about a halfway house in Springfield. It's run by the church and helps wayward boys who've succumbed to the sin of Sodom. We can send him there. It's called Wandering Star Home. They can fix him. It's a disease. They can cure him!"

Melissa turned to plead with her mother. "Mom, you can't, you just can't send Ricky there!"

"I'm an elder of the church Martha, I can't have them knowing I have a faggot living under my roof! What would pastor say? You know what? I know exactly what he would say. He'd say it's disgusting!"

He pushed past his daughter and wife and stormed up the stairs. A moment later a door slammed open and Melissa could hear more shouting. Suddenly, her brother Ricky fell against the railing on the landing. Her father stood above him and shouted.

"Out! I want you out now!"

Melissa's brother scrambled, nearly tumbling down the stairs in barefoot. He ran to the front door and opened it. He was crying as he looked to his sister. He looked back at his father and gestured defiantly then he walked through the door and slammed it shut.

"Never come back! I no longer have a son!" Melissa's father turned and walked up the stairs from the landing and disappeared into her brother's bedroom leaving his devastated daughter crumpled on the floor by the front door sobbing.

Her mother looked at her daughter disapprovingly. "Stand up Melissa, we have dishes to clean and the kitchen to finish."

Melissa stood up slowly and opened the hall closet door. She pulled out her brother's coat along with her own and then opened the front door. She glanced back at her mother then turned and slammed the door.

"Melissa! Come back here!"

Outside she found her brother sitting on the steps in front of the gate near the sidewalk. "I've brought you a coat, it's freezing out here."

"Aren't you afraid of what he might say? You might get kicked out too, you know?"

Melissa sat down next to her brother and sighed. Her world was completely tossed upside down. In an instant her loving family home became a battleground, her father, who just the day before swore his love for his family now, in a fit of rage, has thrown his only son out into the cold. What kind of family is this? Does a Christian family act this way? Didn't Jesus say we all should be loved and forgiven?

Melissa handed his coat to him. "Who was you friend?"

Ricky pulled on his coat and glanced at his sister. "His name is Alan. I've known him since we were in the sixth grade. We only started going out together now for a couple of months."

"Is he gay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you gay?"

"Yeah."

Melissa crossed her arms across her knees, buried her face, and began to cry.

"I'm sorry, Sis."

She sniffled and wiped her nose on her gloved hand. "I know. It's okay."

"I didn't mean it to happen this way."

Melissa nodded and looked off down the street at nothing in particular.

"I love him, Sis, he means everything to me." Her brother sighed and pulled his gloves out of the pockets of his coat. "What am I going to do now?"

"Can you stay with Alan?"

"No. His parents are almost as bad as Dad. He told me that he's staying with his grandmother while they get a divorce. They beat him last week when they caught us walking home hand in hand from the bus. I'm surprised they didn't tell Dad but I guess not."

"What about Grandma?"

"No, she's worse than Dad is, you know that. She'll take a switch and try to beat it out of me."

Melissa nodded her head. She knew her grandmother was fanatical but she was hoping she didn't know about her brother yet. "Any other friends?"

"No. All the kids at school think that Alan and I are freaks. There's no where to go."

"Well, you can't stay here, you'll die out here in this cold." Melissa stood up and offered her brother her hand. "Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"You can sleep in the shed tonight until we figure out something. I'll sneak a heater out, and a sleeping bag. Where's your camping mattress from your Boy Scout kit?"

"In my closet."

"Okay, I'll get that too. It'll have to do until tomorrow."

They closed the gate behind them and followed the path around the house to the backyard. The garden shed wasn't much but at least it was out of the cold and the wind.

"Stay here Ricky, I'll be right back." She turned and walked to the French doors on the terrace and quietly slipped inside.

She walked through the family room and through her father's study to the foyer. As she started to ascend the stairs her father appeared on the landing. He stood there glaring down at her.

"How can a father who professed to love his son yesterday, disown him the next day? Jesus forgave, Father."

"That boy has the sin of Sodom in his heart and I will not have a faggot living under my roof."

=FIVE=

Melissa Cavanaugh walked into the Sociology building looking anything but like the cool collected little rich bitch she usually portrayed. Something had happened. Anyone could see that she was distraught and people began to whisper as she walked down the hallway without her usual entourage. Melissa even passed Sarah silently in the hallway.

Sarah was on her way to Ryan's office when she spotted Melissa. It was apparent that Melissa had been crying because she looked like a mess.

Melissa walked several more steps down the hallway and then stopped. She dropped her head and began to cry. Huge tears traced down her cheeks to drop like rain onto the tiled hallway floor.

Sarah glanced back fully expecting the usual bile from her arch nemesis but instead she watched Melissa's shoulders shudder as she collapsed in a heap onto the tile floor. Several other students walked into the hallway then balked. Spotting Melissa and Sarah, they turned to escape as quickly as possible.

Sarah stopped then took a few steps back to Melissa.

Melissa looked up and slowly shook her head, little mascara rivulets trailed across her cheek. "What kind of fucked up world do we live in where an innocent boy is shoved out into the cold of a winter's night with no coat or shoes? What kinds of parents profess their love of all their children one day only to have completely disowned their son the next? This is the mother and father who pretended to be Christian and loving as they slammed the door in his face. Tell me! What kind of fucked up world is this?"

Sarah knelt down next to her on the tiled floor. She reached into her purse and handed Melissa a tissue. "What happened?"

"Ricky came out last night. That's my little brother's name, Ricky."

Sarah suspected she knew what Melissa meant but she wanted to hear her say it. "Came out?"

"Nobody knew, not even me. He must have been struggling with this for ages. He has a boyfriend, Alan; he's a boy Ricky met in the sixth grade. I guess they've been going out secretly for months. He told me last night that he was gay. I couldn't help but cry."

Melissa dried her tears on the tissue that Sarah gave her. She sniffled again then continued.

"Last night my dad saw them in a park near the house when he was out walking the dog. They were kissing, Ricky and Alan. He grabbed Ricky and dragged him down the street. Even the dog was barking madly trying to stop Dad from beating on him."

"It was madness. My dad opened the front door and slammed Ricky to the floor. We all came into the foyer wondering what was going on. All my mother seemed to care about was whether or not the neighbors could see anything!"

Sarah sat silently watching Melissa. She really didn't know what to do. Here was a girl who had been tormenting her for months and now she's living in her own personal hell. Sarah wanted to reach out to her, to hug her and tell her it would be all right but she hesitated.

She knew all too well the pain of absolute rejection. The cold stares of hatred as she stood outside her own parents' home years ago and felt the same anguish and fear. She wanted to give her some comfort but Melissa would probably misunderstand the gesture. So she sat motionless and waited for her to continue.

"He pulled his belt off and tried to strike him. He kept trying to hit him as Ricky ran up the stairs and into his bedroom. Mom asked him what happened and Dad told her he'd seen Ricky kissing another boy. Mom just began to cry. She started blubbering about taking Ricky to a Christian halfway house that specializes in reforming kids who have become wicked in the ways of Sodom as they call it."

"But Dad wouldn't have any of it, he didn't want anyone to know that Ricky was gay. He shouted at my mom, "No son of mine is a faggot. There will be no half-way house Martha, I don't want that boy to bring shame onto this family."

"My dad stormed up the stairs and pulled Ricky out of his bedroom. Then he kicked Ricky out of the house. He's just barely eighteen years old. He didn't even have a coat or shoes and it was freezing last night." She started to sob again; she turned and buried her face on Sarah's shoulder. "Tonight we were supposed to be celebrating his graduation from high school."

Sarah slowly reached around Melissa and drew her into a gentle hug. "It really will be okay Melissa, I know it's rough now but it will get better. I've been there."

Melissa sat up and wiped her eyes. "How? How can it be any better? He's sleeping in a bag in our tool shed behind the garage. He has no place to go."

"What about Alan, his boyfriend? Can he stay with him?"

"No, Alan's staying with his grandmother while his parents get a divorce and Alan's grandmother said no."

"Do you have any other family, an aunt, or grandparents?"

"My grandmother is worse than my mother. Last week she saw Ricky after church holding Alan's hands and she cut a switch and started beating on him. She swore that she was going to beat that sin out of him or die trying."

Sarah looked into Melissa's pleading eyes. She could see that she was desperate.

"Can you help him? I don't know what to do. He has nowhere to go tonight. I snuck him a sleeping bag and a portable heater but he can't stay there forever and we don't know what else to do. I know I've been a total bitch to you and I know you may never forgive me and I can live with that. But Ricky, he's such a little boy. Can you help him?"

Sarah stood up and offered Melissa her hand. "Come on, let's go find him. I have some friends I met at work who might be able to help."

=FIVE=

Ryan sat at his desk typing on his computer. He was entering grades for his Sociology 101 class when Sarah called. "Hey beautiful. Are you ready to go to see the Wizard?"

"I can't go this afternoon, sweetie, something's come up."

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw Melissa in the hallway. She's a basket case. Her father kicked her brother out of their house last night because he came out."

"Came out? You mean he's gay?"

"Yeah, it took everybody by surprise, including Melissa. She's a mess. She doesn't know what to do. Her brother doesn't have anywhere to go so I called a couple of friends who said that he could stay with them until he finds a place on his own."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I can handle this sweetie, I've been there." She glanced down at Melissa who sat on a bench near the front entrance to the building wiping her eyes. "Tom and Alex are some clients that I met at the law office. Bryan's law firm handles their legal affairs. They're not gay but they run a halfway house for young men who have been treated like Melissa's brother was last night. The rules are strict, no bed hopping, no couples, that sort of thing. It's only temporary until Ricky can find something more permanent."

Ryan closed the program on his computer and smiled. "You are a saint my love. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I think I've got everything but can I borrow your car?"

"Of course. You still have that spare set of keys don't you?"

"Yup."

"Okay, I'll be here for another couple of hours anyway. Call me when you're done, we'll do dinner out."

"Thanks, I love you."

"Love you too." Ryan hung up his phone and leaned back in his chair.

It was funny how a single phone call that came from a simple advert on Craigslist could change his life and so many others. He picked up his phone and dialed Anna. She must have been out picking up the boys at the bus stop because the phone went to voice mail.

"Hi Anna, Sarah is dealing with a friend in need right now but we're going out to eat after. Do you and the boys want to join us? Give me a call back on my cell when you get this."

He hung up and returned to his computer. He had a few things to tweak on a PowerPoint presentation for his next lecture.

*><*><*

That night Sarah, Ryan, Anna and her boys sat around a table sharing a huge pizza. Sarah slowly filled in the rest of the story.

"Ricky still works part time at a drug store. The bus route that goes in front of the halfway house will drop him in front of his school after a couple of route changes but for the most part he can manage. He only has a couple of weeks left of school. I talked to Ricky this afternoon when we set him up with Tom and Alex. He told me that his boyfriend, Alan, is going to help too. Together they're going to look for an apartment this summer as soon as they graduate."

"Melissa is beside herself with worry but she's getting better. We're going to drive over to her home tomorrow and retrieve all of her brother's clothes and things while her parents are at work. I guess I'll need to borrow your car again, Ryan."

"No problem."

"Ricky said he plans to go to community college with Alan in the fall. Melissa told me on the way back to the university that they both have a trust fund from their grandmother on their mother's side. She passed away a couple of years ago. Anyway, the trust fund will help him get started in school and things."

Ryan shook his head, amazed at his girlfriend's capacity for forgiveness and love. Here she was helping a woman who had verbally tormented her for months. "I said it before, I'll say it again. Sarah, you are a blessed saint. I love you so very much."

Anna smiled and reached across to gather Sarah and Ryan's hands in hers. "We all do, Sis, we all do."

Bobby looked up from the pizza slice he was wolfing down. "Yup, me too."

"And me," added Michael picking the peppers off of his slice of pizza.

*><*><*

The next day Sarah sat behind Ryan's desk working on his computer. The office was cluttered with files and folders. She was helping him sort through a stack of student work when there was a gentle knock on the office door.

Ryan looked up from a folder he had open in his lap. "It's open."

The door opened slowly and Melissa peeked in with a meek smile. Ryan gestured for her to come in. "Careful about the mess on the floor, we're sorting."

Melissa nodded then stood awkwardly by the door waiting until Sarah looked up from the computer. "Thank you. He's okay now. Just like you said, it's going to be better."

Sarah smiled and nodded.

"Tom and Alex are great guys, they're so understanding. Ricky has a nice little room for now until he can find an apartment with Alan." She took a step closer and reached her hands forward.

Sarah stood up and walked around Ryan's desk to pull Melissa into a hug.

Melissa sighed as she wrapped her arms around Sarah. "This has meant so much to me, Sarah. Thank you." She leaned back and looked into her eyes. "How can I ever repay you?"

Sarah smiled wistfully. "Love your brother for who he is, not for what he represents. That will repay your debt to me ten-fold."

A NOTE TO THE READER:

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names, and the places that they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental.





Darker Places Than I Want To Feel Ch. 07



If you believe in coincidence I'm happy for you. However, if you read my other stories you know that I do not, but the lawyers like to see that word in there anyway.

Thank you for reading my work, I hope you enjoyed it. If this is the first time you've read one of my stories, welcome. I hope you take a look at the rest of my work. If you are a returning reader, welcome back, it's nice to see old friends and I look forward to your feedback and support for my work.

Dreamweaver594