2 comments/ 58936 views/ 3 favorites On Reflection By: GemAri She had my attention from the moment I walked into the room. Her pale face dominated by wide, dark eyes; tumbled blonde hair muted by the shadows yet still glowing with its own light. She appeared mysterious and strange. I walked toward her as she moved toward me until face to face we stood watching each other. On her face was a curious blend of emotions: stifled anticipation and excitement overshadowed by hints of melancholy. Her smile was hesitant, almost shy, but flirting around the corners of her mouth was a sensual heat impossible to deny. She sat on the bed behind her curling long legs into a crossed position. Then she raised one hand, running it through her hair to where it fell about white shoulders causing the tips to brush softly against the tops of her breasts. I watched entranced as the hand returned to slide lovingly along the line of her jaw, down the length of her throat, caressing down and across a fragile collarbone. Her other hand followed suit, then ventured lower. Two breasts there were before me, neither large nor small, but somehow perfectly suited to the body beneath them. Her nipples were a pallid rose but swelling and darkening as rising passion had its effect. Her slim fingers glided over tender globes from the top, palms sliding slowly, covering her nipples from my view for a second, then they reappeared as she cradled each breast in her hands. It seemed as though she was offering them to be kissed. Her hands continued their studied exploration of her body moving effortlessly over smooth skin. She ran her fingertips along the line of her torso accentuating its slenderness. They brushed around her hips from the pit of her belly sweeping back to the upper curve of her buttocks. Her chest thrust out impudently in front while her hands carried on their work behind her back. Both of us were breathing faster now, shallow gasps for precious oxygen, seeking to prolong the moment. Her face had almost lost its element of doubt; fire burned within those eyes. She challenged me with a glance to go on watching. She ran her hands the full length of those long, slim legs; closer and closer to her parted thighs. For an instant she stroked soft curls, shielding the heart of her from my sight. Teasing, tormenting me, she glided once again toward her ankles ending furled over so that I could see the graceful line of her spine. Uncurling with supple grace, her naked breasts once again soothed my eyes. Her nipples, dark rose now, stood hard out from her body begging for a tongue to caress them. For a while she assuaged that need with her own fingers, twisting her nipples gently first one way then the other. Finding no lasting satisfaction, only a heightening of lust, her hands moved once again to her mound and all the while her eyes held mine. I could not maintain eye contact; needing to see long fingers move through soft hair, parting it to reveal pinkly naked lips glistening with her own secretions. Her pussy held my gaze as if magnetized; I could feel the heat of it throbbing to the beat of my own heart. Her fingers worked softly around the edges causing the lips to part and close rhythmically giving tantalizing glimpses of the softer flesh within. On her face her mouth mimicked that action, pointed tongue flicking out to moisten their warmth. A quiver ran helplessly across my body when she finally parted her pussy lips to show her engorged clit slick with juices. Still she did not touch it, just held her lips apart letting the air caress her as it may. I heard a low moan as finally she reached the tip of one finger and rested it gently at the root of her clit, massaging in slow erotic circles. Then she slid that finger over and down into the waiting tunnel plunging it in and out mimicking the act of love. Soon another finger joined the first then a third sliding back and forth inside her. Her eyes were hooded with sensual bliss, they widened as an idea occurred to her. Swapping one hand for the other she brought the first slick digits up to her mouth, running her own honey across her lips before licking the remainder clean away. Her cheeks were flushed; hair more dishevelled than ever. I could scarcely breathe for the sensations coursing through my body. Her hand returned to between her thighs, legs slipping off the bed to allow them greater access. I watched aching with need as she rubbed, stroked and probed her way toward ecstasy. At last it seemed as though she must come there right before me, eyes blazing with lust into mine. But no; all shyness and hesitancy was gone from her face, instead a wanton glance wickedly informed me more was yet to come. For a moment she left my view then back she came holding an almost empty wine bottle. Lifting the bottle to her mouth she swallowed the remains allowing a thin stream to escape the corner of her lips and trickle down her throat to her chest. Setting the bottle aside for an instant she chased the blood red drops of wine with hand and tongue until finally she held her own nipples in her mouth tenderly one after the other. Satisfied no wine remained on her body, she picked up the bottle once more letting her tongue work around the neck inside and out. As she had done with her fingers at first she used the bottle to gently caress her jaw and throat, moving it softly across her collarbone. She teased her hard nipples with the cold glass up against them, then took the bottle still lower. I whimpered as she slid the first inch of the bottleneck into her wet vulva, rolling the bottle between her hands for friction. Then deeper in it slid until she had reached the shoulders of the bottle and beyond. Holding the glass tightly with one hand, the other began to tease her clit, causing her throat to work convulsively. She moved the bottle around inside her, pulling out slowly every now and again, only to plunge it deep back in. Both our bodies shuddered with pleasure now; two chests heaving in the effort to gain breath, slick traces of sweat beginning to gleam on naked flesh. I couldn't stand much more, the compulsion for release held me tightly in its grip; aching, throbbing, almost screaming for satisfaction. I heard soft gasps and moans issued deep from her throat, her eyes no more than blazing slits of lust. Then the coup de foudre; her face set in concentration, nothing in the world more important to her than her own body, she slid the bottle from the pulsating tunnel of her pussy and gently inserted it in her anus, fingers moving frantically over her clitoris. At last I could take no more. Falling back masturbating furiously to the sounds of her cries I came, feeling the wet squirt of juices hit my thigh, trickling lasciviously down, soaking the material beneath me. Satiated, glowing, I raised myself onto one elbow to gaze once more on that flushed face before me. Slowly I leaned forwards to her soft, tempting mouth. My searching lips reaching for hers met the hard, cold glass of the mirror. We shared one last smile and I left the room. On Reflection Jealousy can make people do terrible things and the cost can be very high. This is one such case. Edited with comments by LadyCibelle I looked at myself in the mirror, rubbed a little blush into my cheeks and took a brush to my hair for one last touch. I sighed, backed away and put on the short black dress I bought this week. It was perfect, not too short and not too long. I still had good legs and I loved to show them off. Bill always made comments about them and I guess he convinced me how good they were. I slipped on my heels, snapped the back straps and stood up. A touch of perfume, a last touch of the dark red lipstick and I was ready. "Ok Wendy, are you ready for this? You still look good girl." I was talking to my reflection in the mirror, trying to convince myself that I was ready for this. I'd been on a few dates and I had to admit that they were pretty much disasters. Maybe this one would be better. I walked down the stairs and into the family room where Jase and Jenny were playing. They were my twelve year old twins and the love of my life. I adored these two, and I let them know that as often as I could. I stood there, watching them play their new video game, the one their father bought them just last week. Rachael Maier, our next door neighbor who was watching them tonight while I was out, was already there and absorbed in the game as well. She was older, almost eighteen, and had been our babysitter for the past four years. "OK kids. I'm ready to go. Now can you be sure to finish your homework before you go to bed? Jase, you have that test in math tomorrow and Jenny, you have an English quiz coming up." They turned to look at me and, as usual, I saw the disapproval on Jase's face. I didn't want to start so I turned to Rachael and said, "Be sure you check their work to be sure it's done, OK?" "No problem Mrs. Stridell. They always do their homework for me. Don't you, guys?" Jase turned away, not answering. I knew he was angry at me but I couldn't give in to him. Jenny smiled and told me how nice I looked. She wasn't pleased with me either but she was never as obvious as Jase. The three of them turned back to the game so I walked out and into the hall. I got my jacket and laid it over the banister, ready when James came to pick me up. I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table, less then anxious to go out tonight but I had to get myself back into the dating game. It was really hard and so different now. It had been almost fifteen years since I had gone out on a date. After all, I had been married for thirteen of those years and dating my ex-husband for the two before that. My divorce was final six months ago and this was only the third time I had accepted a date. Tonight was with James Conklin, a co-worker of mine at the bank where I worked as a teller and a reasonably good-looking guy. He had been asking me out for over a month and I finally accepted. I liked him, but that was all. He was just a friend as far as I was concerned but I knew he wanted more. I told myself for the tenth time that maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe if things had been different, I would be engaged and probably married by now to Brad Eisley. Brad and Bill worked together and used to be friends. They both worked for Lever, Kline and Patron, Inc., a company that specialized in handling corporate takeovers and consolidations. They were investigators who delved into corporate finances and determined what obligations and debts they had and the value of their assets. It wasn't until later that I learned they were always in competition for the top spot in the company. Bill had the edge, or so most of his contemporaries said. Brad was good but not as good as Bill. In spite of their competition, Brad was at our house often for parties, barbecues and the like. I knew Bill didn't like him all that much but I had no such problems with Brad. I knew he was single, with an ex-wife who he never spoke of and no children of his own. He was friendly, always ready to lend me a hand and always complimented me on my appearance, the way I threw a party, just very observant. Bill did confront me after one particular party where Brad spent the entire evening standing next to me. I was surprised at Bill's attitude and when he suggested Brad was after something that didn't belong to him, I got angry and defended him. We didn't talk for days after that one. Brad had been our friend for almost three years before it all blew up. That's when I found out how good a friend he was. After all, he was the one that had my best interests at heart and the one that made me aware of my husbands philandering. He was there for me when he brought those pictures of Bill and that blonde bitch he was having the affair with. I didn't know her name; I never bothered to find out. Brad had pictures and dates and the whole affair documented. He produced a Private Investigator's report which he paid for out of his own pocket. The whole thing was there in black and white. He admitted he did it because he had always been fond of me and was so upset when he found out about Bill that he didn't want me to be hurt any worse than I would be if it went on longer. When I confronted Bill, he blew his stack and screamed at me. He wanted to know who gave me those pictures and that report but I wouldn't tell him. There was no reason to point to Brad; it would only make him more defensive. He denied the whole thing, telling me he had never been unfaithful to me or our marriage, but he couldn't answer the questions I had for him. I asked him why, who she was, when he did it and why he chose to cheat on me. He wouldn't answer me, saying none of it was true. When I showed him the pictures, he took them, glared at them with anger and threw them on the floor, telling me that none of that ever happened. I had the proof and he still denied it! I got so angry at him that when Brad convinced me to take out a restraining order on him and make him move out of the house, I did. Bill was very hurt and angry when the police served it on him. He continued to deny everything right up until the time I filed for divorce. He vowed to fight it every step of the way but I enforced the restraining order to keep him away from me and out of the house and I got a good attorney. She was the best at divorce and she said we had an open and shut case. The only thing I wouldn't do was refuse to let Bill see the twins. After all, he was their father and they wouldn't understand why I wanted to make him stay away. They complained when he didn't come home but I tried to explain that he couldn't live there any more. They took it hard but I told them he would see them as often as he could. I let him know through my lawyer that I wanted him to spend time with them and he agreed. I just wanted notice so I could be gone when he came to pick them up. During this time, Brad was always available to go places with me, to help me with my filings and meetings with the attorney, pick up and drop off the twins when I couldn't. He was by my side through it all. I was becoming quite fond of him and I knew he returned the feelings. We did go out a couple of times but we just parted at the door. That was until the court ruled on the divorce and our separation became official. The next time Brad and I went out, I asked him to stay. The twins were with Bill for the weekend and Brad slept over Saturday night. We made love that first night and I have to admit it wasn't all that good. I think it was because I was still married at the time and I was nervous and a little guilty. After all, I hadn't been with any man other than my husband for almost fifteen years. Long before we were married and then all during our marriage. One of the things I didn't like was that Brad was very demanding. I just wanted to cuddle and make gentle love but he was insistent. He wanted me to suck him, something I did for Bill but only because he enjoyed it: I certainly didn't. And Brad wanted to do things like anal which I just refused to do. But, I was fond of Brad and felt it would be get better as we got to know each other. After that, it did improve but it never was as good as it was with Bill. And Brad was always frustrated with me because of my reluctance to do those things he wanted. But it became a pattern: Bill took the kids on alternate weekends and Brad would sleep over. That continued until one Sunday morning Bill came back with the twins to grab an extra pair of shoes for a trip he planned. Bill stayed outside as the twins came running up the stairs to get their things. I heard them and came out of my bedroom to ask what they were doing. As I spoke with them, Brad came out of the room wearing his robe and the twins saw him. I saw the shock and anger on Jase's face and the tear that started in Jennie's eyes. I was about to say something when Jase ran down the stairs, his sister following. They went out the door, slamming it behind them. I had no choice but to let them go. When Bill brought the twins home that Sunday night, he came in with them, something he hadn't done since I filed the restraining order. He waited until the twins ran upstairs and then looked at me with the coldest, angriest look I had ever seen on his face. "I don't want that son of a bitch in this house again until we are divorced! I had two frightened and devastated kids on my hands this weekend because they saw that bastard in your bedroom. Have you no shame? Don't you know what it says to our children that you are fucking another man while you are still married to me? You accused me of doing the same thing, even though I was innocent but I think now that I understand: you were cheating on me with Brad for some time and made up that shit about me just so you could divorce me. "Well, that was bullshit, and you know it, but this will stop right now or I will go to the court and ask for full custody on the basis of your slutty behavior. Make your choice now, you tramp!" With that, he turned and walked quickly out the door, slamming it behind him. I stood there in total shock. What the hell was he talking about? Making it up? Me, cheating with Brad as a reason for filing for divorce? He was crazy! Disturbed at the threat of losing me and his kids! Of course, that was what it was! Now I understood. But he was too angry to push now. I had to cool it with Brad, at least in my home. We could meet at his place, or go to a motel. I could do that. Actually, I could even do without Brad until after the divorce. He was the one that enjoyed the sex, more so than I did. As I said, things would have been so much simpler if Brad had lived. But just three days before my divorce was final, Brad was killed in a traffic accident. The cops told me it was a two vehicle crash, meaning Brad was in his car and there was one other car involved but that driver was never found. The cops say he was probably struck by the other car or truck, lost control, skidded off the road and into a tree. He was killed instantly, or so they said. I wondered later why he had been on that road at that time. He was supposed to be with me, to help me in my time of sorrow over my upcoming divorce. He promised me he would be there, so why was he somewhere else? I was very sad when they notified me of his death. Sad, but strangely, that was all. I wasn't sure why they contacted me but apparently he had something in his car that mentioned me. I was very fond of Brad and I thought we might have had a future together, but I was surprised by my ability to get over him so quickly. Maybe he was just a good friend when I needed one and nothing more? Now, I'll never know for sure. The divorce was very hard on me; the funeral was scheduled for the same day as my divorce, and Brad had planned on being there with me. Now, I had no choice but to go to the funeral alone. I was surprised at the lack of people there. I was one of only a very few and most of them people I had never met. It was a simple and quick affair. A few words and then it was over. Since I knew no one there, I left immediately and went on to the divorce. Bill was there with his attorney and he was sitting across from me, looking at the wall behind me. I could see he was still angry and I was still surprised. After what he did, why would he be angry at me? It made no sense. But he chose to agree to the divorce when Brad threatened to post some of the pictures on the internet for the world to see. Brad told me Bill agreed rather than have those pictures out. Bill never told me anything about that meeting so I had only Brad's word. As I took my seat, Bill finally looked at me. I was shocked at the look in his eyes. They were as cold and angry as I had ever seen. I wanted to say something to him; something that would make him see that this was all his fault, but I couldn't think of anything more to say other than what I said to him when I confronted him. He refused to admit his guilt then so now would be no different. I shook my head and looked away, not feeling comfortable with that look. Bill continued to stare at me until he said very quietly, "Are you still convinced I cheated on you? You believe I could do something like that to you and my kids? I will say it one more time: I never cheated on you. Never!" I looked into those eyes that were so cold and answered him the only way I could. "I have the proof and you still won't admit it! So long as you chose to lie to me and not admit what you did, we have no marriage." I had been very sure of myself when Brad was there to support me but seeing the look in his eyes and the sound of his voice, my confidence was shaken. What if. . . . . .? "Then we have no marriage!" Bill looked away and the anger on his face was so intense it scared me. But I was safe here in this room. Actually, if truth be told, I knew I was safe anyway. Bill would never hit me. The man he was couldn't do that. The meeting went very quickly and the attorneys gave us the final paperwork to sign. I was to keep the house, half of all assets, child support from Bill in the amount of $500 per month, and alimony of $50 per month. Since I was working and made sufficient money to support myself, the alimony amount was a compromise: Bill wanted to refuse to pay anything to me, claiming that I had created a false set of documents to force the divorce. He claimed that Brad and I were lovers and working in collusion to blame him for an affair that never happened. The judge denied his suit when she read the private investigator's report and viewed some of the pictures. I have to admit that I still don't understand Bill's claim that Brad and I were lovers. I never even dated Brad until after I filed for divorce and I only slept with him once our separation was official and our marriage had been ruled over. That happened after Bill's suit had been denied. So where he came up with those accusations was beyond me. Not like my claim, based on real evidence. I know Bill still believes what he said in that counter suit. I never tried to correct him. It would have been a waste of time. I was interrupted by the doorbell. I got up, walked into the foyer to see that Rachael had already opened the door. James was standing inside, dressed very nicely in a dark suit and a beautiful blue striped tie. He was a nice looking man, and always made a nice impression. My twins had not come out of the room, as usual. They disapproved of my dating. They always asked why daddy wasn't the one I was going out with. I always answered the same way: Daddy and I are divorced and no longer together. They never accepted it. "OK, goodnight kids! I won't be late! Be good and do your homework!" I grabbed my jacket, handed it to James to assist me and shrugged into it. I went out to his car, James following. James took me to dinner at a very nice restaurant, where we ate and talked about our lives. James was divorced like me and he had a daughter at home that he adored. He visited her as often as he could. I looked at pictures of him and her and one of all three of them. His wife was a very beautiful woman. I asked him what the cause of the divorce was in his case and he said he didn't want to talk about it so I never mentioned it again. After dinner we went to a small lounge where there was dancing and music and plenty of drinks. I loved dancing and enjoyed James's ability. He was a wonderful dancer, but I noticed that after a few drinks and some slow dances, he was trying to pull me against his obvious erection. I resisted until he finally stopped. "What's the problem Wendy? I know you've been without Bill for quite a while now, and you must want the same thing I want. So, why not? We're both divorced, lonely, and need some real loving. I won't disappoint you." With that James ran his hand down my back and over the rise of my buttocks. He pulled my body tight against him trying to arouse me. I stepped on his toe, making him back off and then moved away and back to our table. I was angry, embarrassed and frustrated. I enjoyed the feel of him against me but it was not the same. Bill used to do the same thing when we danced, but he was smoother and more playful about it. He knew I loved dancing and wouldn't even suggest anything like that until we were ready to go home. What was wrong with James? James followed me back to the table, looking angry as well. "What the hell was that all about? I was just trying to let you know that I find you very attractive and I would love to make love to you. Isn't that what you want too?" "No! This was supposed to be a friendly date, nothing more. I never gave you any other impression. I never told you, or even suggested to you that I wanted sex! Damn you! I want to go home. Now!" James argued, tried to convince me he would behave but I just wanted to go home. Damn it all anyway! Why did I end up comparing guys to Bill? I always did it and I never intended to, but they just weren't the same as him. He did everything right! He always knew what I wanted and what would make me happy. As James drove me home, silent in his frustration, I continued to think of what was wrong. I knew what it was and that made it even worse. I still loved my husband Bill regardless of what he did to me and our children. He was perfect in so many ways for me. He knew me, he took care of me and he always knew how to make me happy. Why did he do it? Why did he cheat on me with that woman? I didn't even know her name or where she came from. Brad knew, he took care of all of the details during the divorce. He gave the lawyer all the information and Bill continued to deny it over and over. He even begged me to listen to him, to believe him when he denied it. But I saw those pictures! The ones that broke my heart. I saw him on top of her, taking her from behind as I loved. I saw her giving him oral and him returning the favor. I would never let him do that for me even though he said he would be glad to. He even said he would probably enjoy it but I couldn't get over the fear he would be repulsed. Early teaching from mom I guess. As James pulled into the driveway, I opened the door telling him there was no need to walk me to the door. I was still angry and frustrated and I wanted nothing more than to get into the house. I was so intent, I didn't even notice Bill's car in the driveway. I guess after thirteen years of something it just fit and didn't even alert me. I walked rapidly up the walk and opened the front door, letting myself in. James had already backed out and I heard the angry sound of his tires as he drove away. I took off my coat, hung it in the hall closet and walked into the family room where I expected to see my twins and Rachael playing as usual. What I found was Bill, with both kids wrapped around him as they played on the floor. Rachael was sitting on the couch laughing out loud as they tried to get the game controller from him. I was struck by the joy on their faces and their happy laughter, matched by the smile on his, and I couldn't help but smile as I watched them, unable to move or speak, overcome with the pleasure it gave me. On Reflection As Bill rolled away, the controller held high, he saw me standing there in the doorway. His smile disappeared like a light switch had been flipped off. He stopped immediately and got up from the floor, telling the kids that the game was over. They didn't stop right away, not knowing I was there. Bill grabbed both of them by the shoulder and turned them so they could see me standing there. I was still grinning at them but I suddenly noticed that I was the only one still smiling. All the joy and laughter was gone, the silence following the laughter, deafening. Suddenly I felt it all come crashing down on me. The pain, the lack of joy in our house with Bill gone, the sadness I felt every night when I went to bed alone. All of it came crashing down, almost driving me to my knees. I was just standing there, not able to say anything when Bill spoke. "OK kids. It's time for me to go. I'll pick you up right at ten tomorrow morning. Be ready, OK?" With that, he spoke to Rachael and then walked past me and out the door without a word. I watched him go with mixed emotions. He wasn't supposed to be here without notifying me, but then I realized I had told him I would be out this evening. He probably didn't expect to find me home so early. "Thanks a lot mom! You weren't supposed to be here this early. Dad and us were having a lot of fun together until you ruined it. Thanks a lot!" That was from Jase as he angrily picked up the controller and turned the game off. He said goodnight to Rachael and then, followed by Jenny, walked out and up the stairs to their rooms. "I'm sorry Mrs. Stridell. Mr. Stridell called to ask if you had gone out and when I told him you had left, he came over to play with the twins. It was OK wasn't it? You just told me he wasn't supposed to be here when you were. I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I didn't mean too." Rachael was concerned, her appearance looking as if she was afraid she had messed up. "No, no Rachel. You did nothing wrong. And you're right: he isn't supposed to be here when I am but you couldn't know I was coming home so early, and neither could he. So, it's alright. It's fine. You can go home now." I paid her and walked her to the door. "Thanks Rachael. I'll call when I need you again. Goodnight." I stood there in the hallway of my home, alone as it seemed I was more and more. My children were angry with me, my babysitter was afraid she had done something wrong and my ex-husband had walked out without a word to me. The joy and the laughter I saw when I first came in was missing from our home now and had been since I confronted Bill with his infidelity. But what bothered me the most was that while he was the one that created the problem, I was the one paying the price. And it was a steep price to pay. I slowly walked up the stairs to my empty bed and stripped out of my new dress. I washed my face of the makeup I had applied so carefully and let my hair down, the elaborate hairdo I began the evening with forgotten. All of that care for what? A date with a man who wanted nothing more than to get into my panties for some satisfaction? For him, of course, not for me! I sighed, turned out the light and pulled the covers over me. The last thoughts I had before I fell asleep were about the laughter I saw earlier. I was sitting at the kitchen table the next morning, a Saturday, when the doorbell rang and the kids went to get it. It was Bill, coming to pick up the kids. As usual, he would wait outside for them to get their bags for the weekend stay-over. I normally remained in the kitchen during this transition but today, I felt the urge to see Bill. I wanted to see him relaxed and ready for two days with our twins. Without thinking of the consequences, I rose and walked into the foyer. I went to the door, opened the storm door and saw him sitting on the steps. I spoke as he turned. "Good morning Bill. How have you been?" He said nothing, just looked up at me. I was surprised at how well he looked. Unlike me, the divorce hadn't seemed to bother him much. But then he was probably screwing his little slut regularly and it seemed to be good for him. He stood then, turned around and looked away. "I've been doing OK. Work's good, business is up. So things are good. You?" "I'm OK too, I guess. I'm sorry about last night. I should have called to let Rachael know I was coming home early. It wasn't your fault. Or Rachael's." "Yeah, OK. I was just spending a little time with the kids since I was at loose ends. I'll be more careful in the future." "Please Bill. It wasn't a problem. You don't have to do anything different. It was my mistake. The date first, and then not calling." As I was about to explain about the date, the twins came running out the door and grabbing their dad, ran to the car. Bill went with them as if my words were unimportant. As I watched them together, I realized that they probably were. They turned to wave goodbye as I watched them get in. They seemed so happy with him, more so than with me. I didn't seem to be able to get them to have fun any more. I wish I knew why. I went back in, dreading the weekend without my kids. They were my only salvation now. Where I used to love the weekends, Bill and I sleeping late and listening to the kids downstairs on their Playstation or watching cartoons, or just having fun, now it was just me. If they weren't with Bill for his weekend, they were gone to practice for something or other. This weekend was typical: with Bill gone, Brad gone and now Jase and Jenny with their dad, it was just me, the day promising to be very empty. I spent the remainder of that day reflecting on my life. I was alone now, only my kids to keep me company. I worked at a job I didn't particularly like; I slept alone; I only dated occasionally since most of the guys I met were usually married or not candidates for other than one night stands. I managed to survive the two days and on Sunday, fixed a small dinner, knowing the kids would be home but that Bill would probably feed them before coming back. He usually did that, taking the time to talk to them and make plans for the next weekend they would spend together. They always came home filled with plans and excited about the next time with their dad. I admit to being jealous. When the kids came home, they talked a little about their weekend but didn't give me any details. More and more, they seemed to consider their time with Bill as their time, not mine. I seemed to find myself more and more closed off from them. I made sure they were ready for school the following day and sent them off to bed. Bored, I soon followed and laid out my clothes for tomorrow, ready for my job. I worked at the bank until 2:30, five days a week with Saturday and Sunday off, and I had just gotten home that Monday when I heard the phone ringing. I used my key to open the door and rushing in, I dropped my stuff, ran into the kitchen to grab the phone before the caller hung up. "Hello? This is Wendy." "Is this Mrs. Stridell? Mrs. William Stridell?" I didn't recognize the voice at all. "I'm Wendy Stridell. I'm divorced now so it's no longer Mrs. William Stridell. Can I help you?" "Yeah, maybe you can. Look, this is Harold Pierce, down at Capitol Investigations. Bradley hired me to make up that report? You know, the one that you used to dump your old man? Looks like it worked OK since you're split now." "I'm sorry but I don't know much about you or the report: only what Brad told me. Why are you calling me?" "Look lady, it's too bad he had to bite the dust but Brad still owed me a grand for making up that shit. Doctoring those pictures alone cost me a couple hundred bucks. Now that you're out from under that creep of a husband of yours, someone has to pay me the grand. Since he croaked, you're the only one left." "I don't know what you're talking about. Brad said he paid for that report out of his own pocket. And what do you mean, 'doctoring those pictures'? Why did you have to do anything to them?" "Don't be funny with me lady. That report was bogus and you know it. Those pictures were PhotoShopped by one of my guys so don't give me any of that crap. I want my grand or the DA will hear about your scam from an anonymous source. I'm covered so nothing comes back to me. But you? That's a different story. You wanted to dump that cheap SOB and get half of his money, so you had your lover hire me. I have his words on tape, telling me that the two of you planned this. So, I'll stop by tomorrow around noon for the grand. Have it waiting if you know what's good for you." He disconnected and I sat there, the phone still against my ear as the dial tone hummed. I was stunned! The report was bogus? The pictures were not real? It was all a scam and Brad was the one that did it all! He conned me all right! He made up that whole thing about Bill having an affair and got a sleazy PI to make up a false report, complete with pictures to convince me! And the worst part was that I fell for it, hook, line and sinker! I turned on my husband and refused to even consider that he was telling me the truth. I put down the phone and sat there, my head spinning, my stomach clenching in severe pain, my face flushed. I was feeling sick to my stomach and almost didn't make it to the bathroom before everything I had came up, scalding my throat and mouth as it spewed out. I know I screamed in agony as the truth came crashing down on me. All I could say was "NO!" over and over and over. I tried to get up, away from the commode but when I stood, my stomach clenched again, the pain forcing me to my knees just in time for another round of heaves, mostly dry since the contents of my stomach were already in the bowl. I bent over, the cramps not letting go, my face drenched with sweat and my fists clenched in agony as I tried to bring up whatever was left. Each time I tried to get up, to wash my mouth of the sick taste, it hit me all over again. My kids found me there on the floor of the bathroom when they came home from school. I had been there for the past two hours, alternately seized by dry heaves and washing my face, then crying until the next spasm took control. My stomach was empty now and the only thing left were the painful cramps that wouldn't stop. I felt like I wanted to die and hoped that I would. They did the only thing they could think of when they called Bill and told him I was very sick. I wanted to die now for sure. With Jase's help, I got up and half walked, half crawled up the stairs to the bedroom. I wanted to just lie down on the bed and let sleep claim me but Jase got a wet washcloth and bathed my pale, ashen face. He looked so worried and that made me try to take some control of myself. I couldn't let my child suffer for my sins. I had to ease his mind. "Thanks Jase. I'll be OK now. Please, go call your dad and tell him not to come. I don't want to see him now. Please, Jase. Please. Go!" "But mom; you're sick! You need someone to help you and Jenny and I don't know what to do. Dad will know. He'll take care of you." "No Jase! Listen to me now! I don't want your dad here! Do you hear me! Not your dad! Now, do as I told you! Call him! Tell him not to come. No! Wait! Better yet, let him come and then you and your sister go with him and stay there until I call you. Now! Go!" I got myself up, pushed my son out the door in spite of his yelling, and locked it behind him. I couldn't stand the thought of facing any of them right now, maybe never again. I was humiliated and the emotional pain was so intense I was making myself physically sick. I couldn't let Bill or my kids see that. I couldn't! I sank down on the bed, my stomach quiet for the moment. I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth, tasting the sour bite of vomit. I bowed my head, let the tears come and I cried. I couldn't stop myself. What I had done to my family by believing Brad's story of Bill's infidelity was clear. Now I knew it for what it was: a fabrication built up with fake pictures and a fake report about some woman who didn't even exist. And I swallowed it: all of it! In spite of living with my husband for almost fifteen years, I never even thought to question the story Brad brought me. And the warning Bill gave me about Brad so long ago; I just ignored that as well. I bought everything he told me, at the cost of my marriage and my family. As I sat there, I heard the sound of voices coming from downstairs. I waited, praying that they would all go and leave me here alone. I couldn't stand to face anyone tonight. I definitely couldn't face Bill. But then, Bill never wanted to look at me now anyway. He hadn't for some time. And now, knowing what I did, I couldn't blame him. He must hate me and I now knew why he always looked at me with those accusing eyes. Pounding on the door: "Wendy, let me in! Open the door Wendy! Wendy!" It was Bill, trying to get me to open the door. I couldn't! I just couldn't do that! I had to make him go away! "I'm fine Bill. Just take the kids and go. You can keep them for a few days. I'll call you tomorrow. Please Bill, just go away!" "Wendy? Jase said you were sick. He and Jenny said you were very sick. Let me in Wendy. You're scaring the kids now. Please, let me in." I couldn't do that to my kids! I had to do something! I sat up, wiped my face with the wet washcloth Jase had given me and walked slowly to the door. If I could just make it through the next few minutes, Bill would take the twins and go. I would be alone. "Fine! Just a minute!" I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, brushed my hair back from my face and opened the door. "Ok Bill. Are you satisfied now? I'm fine! Now, please, just take Jase and Jenny and go back to your place for a couple of days. I'll be fine if you just give me a couple of days. Please?" Bill stood there staring at me as if I was a complete stranger. I held his eyes for a few seconds before looking away, trying to find my children. They were standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking very small and frightened. I couldn't stand that so I walked out of the room and over to the top of the stairs. "Honest kids, I'm fine. I must have a bug or something and I just don't want you two to catch it from me. So, if you stay with your dad, you should be safe. I can take care of myself. So, are we OK?" I waited until I saw them nod, then turned back to Bill and said very softly, "Please Bill. Just take them and go! I have to be alone right now. If you ever cared for me, please, just do this for me. Please, Bill" Bill looked at me and reached out to take my hand in his. "Wendy, you are in some kind of trouble. Let me help. You are still the mother of my children. Let me help you for them, if not for yourself." I looked into his eyes, saw that small kernel of concern, and that was all I could stand. I began to cry as I ran into the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I twisted the pathetic lock and stood there, my back pressed against the door as if to block him from coming in. I waited but he didn't make further attempts. He walked away, I heard voices again and then the door close when they left. I stayed as I was until I heard the car pull out and, opening the door slowly, I listened to the silence. They were gone! That night was hell for me as I finally understood everything. I spent the next several days at work, doing the mindless job that I was beginning to hate, then returning home to sit and stare at the wall, trying to understand how I had been so gullible, so willing to believe something so horrible about the only man I had ever loved. And yes, now that I was forced to see the truth, I realized that I had loved him all along. That's why the sex with Brad never really felt good, why my sadness over his death had passed so quickly, why the dates with men I thought were fine always left me with an empty feeling. That's why James left in a huff on our date: I was comparing him to Bill and he wasn't Bill. None of them were, even Brad. Why hadn't I understood that before now? I paid the man his thousand dollars on Tuesday and asked him for the truth. He told me what Brad had requested of him, that the girl was just some hooker they picked up off the street, the backgrounds lifted from the internet. And the report was just a complete fabrication, using dates and places supplied by Brad. He had a photographer take some pictures of Bill without his knowledge and used his face with the pictures of another man with the hooker. Since Brad knew Bill's schedule, he was the perfect one to set it up. And he did it all just to take me away from Bill; to best Bill at something, because of his jealousy. He knew Bill was to be promoted very soon and he would end up working for him so he wanted to take me away first. And he succeeded. I let him make a fool out of me and cheat Bill out of my love. And if he hadn't died in that freak car accident, I never would have known! It was Thursday before I called Bill to tell him he could bring the children home but I requested that he stop and see me beforehand. I told him I had something I wanted to talk to him about and that the children couldn't be a part of. He was curious but all I would say was that it would be something he needed to know. He agreed finally but reluctantly. I had debated about what I should do and I knew one thing. I had to tell Bill the truth about everything. He had to know that I believed him and that I knew he had never cheated on me. It was important for me to let him know that I had regained my trust in him and recognized the decency that made him the man he was. While I couldn't take those things away from him, I could let him know that I now realized I should never have doubted him. He deserved that from me at least. Friday Bill called and asked if we could meet at home that evening. He said we could talk, I could say what I wanted and then we could decide if the kids should stay with him over the weekend. He was very quiet, not the least bit rude or abrupt as he normally was when he called. I appreciated that small token and agreed to meet him. He said he would bring takeout, something we used to do quite often. I thanked him and hung up, determined but frightened of what I was about to do. I finished my shift at the bank and left for home and my coming humiliation. Bill arrived right at six, the time we had agreed to. He had a pizza and some diet Pepsis that he sat on the kitchen table. I got the napkins and a couple of glasses and set two places; very domestic and very family oriented. The hypocrisy was not lost on me: this artificial domesticity and my intended confession of unmitigated deceit and betrayal. I almost lost my courage but I steeled myself and indicated to Bill that he should sit. I set the pizza on our plates, opened and poured the Pepsi. After that, I sat back and looked at Bill. "I have something very difficult to say to you and I need a promise from you that you will listen until I'm finished. If you try to interrupt, or to ask questions before I'm done, I won't be able to get through this. This is important Bill, so you have to promise me." Bill looked at me, and I guess the pain on my face convinced him that I needed to do this. He finally nodded, and gestured for me to begin. I swallowed, said a quick prayer for help and began. "First, I want to apologize to you for not believing in you when you tried to tell me you would never do the things I accused you of. That was my biggest sin, and one I will regret until the day I die. All you asked of me was faith and trust, and I gave you neither." Bill started to say something and I quickly raised my hand. "Please, Bill, you promised." He subsided and I continued. "Before filing for the divorce, I let Brad convince me to bar you from seeing the children and living here in the house. I now know he did that to prevent you from talking to me and trying to convince me you didn't do those things. My sin is that I listened to him and not to you. On Reflection "When Brad moved in with me, to sleep in the bed you and I shared for all those years, I was so angry that I permitted it. We spent the weekends together when you had the kids. I was humiliated and ashamed when you spoke to me that day Jase saw me with Brad and I realized what I was doing was wrong. The shame was only made worse when Brad decided to use a motel room instead, but I continued to meet him. That was when I lost the dignity that I had tried so hard to maintain when I thought you had betrayed me for another woman." "To make it so much worse, Brad was a terrible lover and all I could do was compare him to you. For your information, and because I owe you the truth, he was awful and I never enjoyed it. Why I continued I don't understand. I guess I was lonely and felt betrayed. I think now it was only a foolish way for me to try to get some revenge." I pushed the plate of pizza away from me, the smell almost causing my nausea to return. I had to continue this, do it once and for all. Make it through before my courage failed me. "It was just last weekend when you had the kids that I got a phone call from Harold Pierce, the man at Capitol Investigations. You remember them: the PI report that documented your betrayal of us? The report that produced those dramatic pictures of you and that woman? The report that convinced the judge that your claims were just nonsense? Do you remember that report?" I was almost yelling now, the pain and the anger gripping me again, just as it had when he called. My throat closed up and I could hardly speak I was so furious at the injustice of what I learned. Bill stood and reached for me but I angrily waved him back. "No! I have to do this! I have to!" I took a deep breath, held it and then exhaled noisily. I continued. "It was all a sham, a pack of lies! Brad paid him to create those pictures and to doctor the report and make it look authentic! Brad paid him! Brad did it all just to take me away from you! And he succeeded! He succeeded because I failed to trust you! Don't you see? It was all my fault! I destroyed our marriage by my failure to believe in you. "The foolish man called me to ask for an additional thousand dollars that Brad owed him. Brad told him that he and I were in agreement to fake the report and the pictures. He had a tape of Brad making the request to fabricate the report and he claimed that I was aware and in agreement. It was nothing but a con that Brad used to take me away. Just a lie. It was all a damned lie and I found out because Brad was killed that day in that stupid car accident. I now thank God that he was! "The day I learned all of this was the day the children called you because I was so sick. I was sick at heart but the pain was enough to bring me down. That's why I had you leave so quickly. I couldn't stand to face you and I couldn't stand for you to look at me, knowing I had failed you and betrayed you in my anger." I did it! I made it all the way through. I had given Bill the truth so that he could know that I believed him now, that I knew without doubt that he had never betrayed me. But it was also true that he knew how I betrayed him. It was all over now. Bill could go on with our children knowing that he had my trust but now he knew that I had fucked Brad repeatedly while we were separated. I had betrayed my marriage vows to Bill long before our marriage was terminated. We were separated but not divorced. I had betrayed him and now I knew I didn't even have the justification of revenge! I was exhausted, the truth and the emotional toll it demanded of me to tell Bill took more from me than I expected. I was drenched with sweat, my face pale and my hands shaking with emotion. I reached for the forgotten Pepsi to quench my parched throat. "So, now you know it all. That Brad betrayed both of us, and that you never failed me while I did fail you. It was so easy for him and I was so ready to accept the lie. What does that say about me? I don't want to think about it. Just know that I never stopped loving you even when I was convinced that you had cheated on me. I never stopped Bill, I never stopped!" I stood, looked at Bill who was sitting there, quiet now. He seemed to be deep in thought. I decided to take this reprieve to say, "Please keep the twins until Sunday evening as usual. I can't see them right now. I'm sorry Bill. I'm so very, very sorry for all I put you through. I hope some day you'll be able to forgive me. Goodnight." I turned and ran up the stairs to the bedroom where I seemed to be spending more and more of my time lately. I heard Bill call through the door that he was leaving but I didn't respond. I wanted to be by myself. It was only now that I realized that I had destroyed all the good things in my life. I had been a fool, a gullible fool to allow Brad to lead me by the nose as he did, and I deserved what I got now. I deserved nothing less! Bill brought the twins home that Sunday evening at the proper time and I had a light dinner waiting. He came in with them; just to be sure I was OK. I smiled at him, but didn't stay to talk. I walked back into the kitchen, Bill standing there in the foyer watching me until I was out of sight. He left, calling a goodnight to the twins as he left. Two weeks passed in which I worked very hard to get the twins to talk to me, to tell me what they were doing and how they were getting along. It seemed that it had been forever since I just talked to them and took a real interest in what they were doing. Up till then, I was feeling sorry for myself, put upon by the death of my lover, the destruction of my marriage and anything else I could feel some self pity about. Now, I was determined to make myself get back into the world of the living. My kids came first. I was discussing something with them when they reminded me that Bill was coming to pick them up that Saturday morning. I had almost forgotten until then and the thought of Bill brought a wave of pain; pain for all I had lost. I fought it back and told them that was fine and that I would be sure they had all they needed. Jase wanted his favorite shirt clean and Jenny wanted a change of shorts for the park. I promised that both would be ready. They seemed pleased that I was taking an interest again and we talked about what they were going to do. Apparently Bill had promised them a trip to the planetarium to see a new diorama that was just being introduced. It sounded wonderful and I told them so. I envied them this time with their dad. I had them ready, their small bags packed with their special requests and made sure they each had last minute instructions on how to behave. I knew it was not necessary as they always behaved for their father but it gave me some sense of normalcy. And they seemed to like it as they smiled and fidgeted good naturedly while assuring me they would behave. I was pleased at the ease with which we were now getting along. It seemed that when I bared my soul to Bill and told him what I did, I regained some of my own pride and self-respect. It wasn't easy but it was very worthwhile. I felt a huge sense of relief and pleasure which seemed to be apparent to my children. At least they were responding to me now where before, there was more resentment. I waited with them until Bill's car pulled into our driveway. I opened the door and watched them run to the car where Bill stood waiting. He got them inside, made sure they were buckled up and then, surprising me as well as the twins, he walked up the driveway toward me. I waited, wondering what he wanted to say. I had no expectations but I was curious. I felt maybe we had entered a new phase in our relationship: possible friends? But I suspected even that was too much to hope for. "Good morning Wendy. Are you feeling better now? I know it was very hard for you, what you said to me that day. I just wanted to let you know that I realize that and to say thank you for doing it." "I'm a lot better now. It was very hard but it was more painful to realize what I did and the harm it caused for all of us. But it's given me a great sense of peace now that you know that I know the truth." "Thank you for that." Bill turned and started down the drive, then he stopped. I watched, curious as to what he had forgotten. Something else he wanted to say? He turned, walked back to the bottom of the stairs and looked up at me. I waited, feeling the pleasant twinge in my stomach that I always felt when Bill looked at me that way. I could only wish it was the way he felt about me again, but that was too much to ask for. He opened his mouth once, shut it, swallowed, then spoke. "Would you like to join us today? We're going to the planetarium and I know the twins would really like it if you came." All I could do was sob, the tears welling up in my eyes and my throat closing with emotion. I swallowed, wiped my eyes and replied, "I would love to." Epilogue It's been almost a year since Bill invited me to join him and our twins for his weekends with them. It's not always that he does it, but often enough that I was beginning to hope for more. I know I don't deserve it but I can still hope that he can come to forgive me. We spoke about it at length once and Bill was very kind to me. He understood why I was so convinced when he saw the pictures and read the report. He knew that both were fakes, but there was no way to convince me at that time since I thought they were real. And we now knew that Brad was the worst kind of predator, taking advantage of every possibility. He was driven by jealousy and envy. The problem was that while intellectually, Bill could understand my suspicions, his heart wasn't as forgiving. He said only that he was sorry I couldn't trust him more, especially when he told me that he was innocent. I've done all I could to make him understand that even though I thought he was unfaithful to me, I never stopped loving him. I let him know that my time with Brad was not wonderful, that the sex with him was always unsatisfactory and that I continued to always compare him with Bill and that Brad always came off second best. In every way. As to dating, it was hopeless for me since I continued to compare them all to Bill. He hears me, he listens very intently, but he just shakes his head. I don't know what that means. The one thing he did say during that talk was that if I still loved him as I said, why didn't I give our marriage another chance? Why couldn't I find it within my heart to forgive him for what I thought he did? I had no answer to that and that bothered me a lot. I finally concluded that Brad was manipulating me into not letting Bill back in my life. Bill agreed but still wondered why I was so eager to push him away. I never ask Bill about his time away from me and the twins. During the week when we both work, there was no communication. We hadn't come to the point where we could pick up the phone and just chat as friends. We weren't real friends. We were a divorced couple who shared custody of their children and that was still our situation, even now. I tried in every way I knew to let Bill know that I was sorry and that, if given the chance, I would do all I could to repair the damage I did to our marriage. He seems to understand that and he sometimes says things that lead me to think that maybe, . . . Oh well, just maybe. Things finally came to a conclusion one Sunday after Bill had returned with the twins from a day when he didn't ask me to join them. It was a long weekend for me, wondering what they were doing and why they didn't ask me to join them. I told myself that it was nothing, just Bill wanting to spend some quality time alone with them. I convinced myself of that by the time they came home. Bill stayed outside and soon left without saying goodbye or coming in to chat. I noticed that he was doing that more and more. I spoke to Jase and Jenny that evening and casually asked them what they did that day. We were on good terms again, and we did often talk about their time with Bill. This time I caught the look that passed between Jase and Jenny before Jenny spoke. "Mom, we talked it over between us and we have to say something. We promised dad that we wouldn't but we don't think that's fair to you cause we love both of you the same." She looked once more at her brother before continuing. "Dad has a girlfriend. Her name is Cindy and she's very nice. She has a daughter, Judy, who is our age and the five of us have been spending a lot of weekends together." Jenny looked at Jase and he nodded. He picked up where Jenny stopped. I had stopped breathing, dreading what was coming. "This weekend was a lot of fun. We went to a cabin at Lake Pontiac and spent the whole weekend there with Cindy and Judy. We think dad and Cindy were together at night but we aren't sure. They didn't say anything about it." At this, Jase seemed to be embarrassed, but he swallowed and continued. I held my breath because I knew what was coming. I steeled myself, gripping my hands so tightly that my fingernails were digging into my palm. My throat was already tight and my eyes were beginning to blur with the tears that I just barely held back "But dad did talk to Jenny and me and told us he wanted to ask Cindy to marry him. He wanted our opinion of that and to be sure how we felt about her. He said he would talk to you about it before he asked her." There! It was done! It was over now, once and for all. My hopes and my prayers weren't answered. Even from the grave, Brad won. He destroyed Bill's love for me and left me behind with nothing but the ashes of fifteen years. He must be laughing now. He must think that he had accomplished his purpose. But the joke was on him. Bill was happy again! He had found someone else to replace me, someone who would believe in him. After all, wasn't I the one that refused to believe that he might be telling the truth? And as I thought about it, I realized that I was the only one that lost. Brad destroyed me and my marriage, but not the man he hated and envied. Brad lost his life without knowing he had failed. How ironic. I lost everything and the pain of my choice to believe Brad over Bill was mine to bear. The price for my betrayal and my lack of trust in my husband and my marriage was due in full. All I could do now was pay that price.