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Military Man Ch. 01

By: GreyGamin



Editor's Note: story contains gay male sexual situations.

*

The man in the orange fleece stares at him with startling blue eyes. He seems excited, holding John's gaze and gesturing with his hands.

"Major, think about where we are in the solar system." 

John does as the man asks and a holographic display of the galaxy appears above his head. He blinks up from the throne chair, weapons platform, or whatever it might have been before the whole complex was buried under the ice and left by aliens thousands of years ago. 

"Did I do that?" He looks up in wonder.

This day has turned out, well, not at all as he expected. John starts to feel excited himself by all the strange alien things around him. The lights dancing above his head entice him to feel something other than the numb detachment he is used to. He blinks again and looks back down to the people in the room. 

The General that John flew in earlier, the one who warned him not to touch anything, is speaking with that woman who seems to be in charge, Dr. Weir. General O'Neill, Weir, and another man talk amongst themselves and then leave the chamber. Beckett, the Scottish doctor John just met, introduces him to the fleeced man. 

"This," Beckett gestures to the man in orange, "This is Dr. Rodney McKay" 

They don't shake hands. John stays sitting in the contraption like a kid that just broke something he wasn't supposed to. 

"Pleased to meet you." he says in astonishment, "I'm, uh-" 

"Major John Sheppard, yeah, I heard." The man in orange, Dr. McKay, interrupts sounding irritated. 

"Don't mind him," Beckett waves his hand, "he's just jealous that he doesn't carry the advanced gene." 

"For the last time," McKay makes a sour face at Beckett, "it has nothing to do with being advanced. It is a random genetic characteristic, nothing more." 

Tilting his head toward Beckett, McKay continues, "Random or not, it does seem you have a certain proclivity for activating Ancient technology."

"I imagine that Dr. Weir will probably want to see if you can assist with some of the additional testing." Beckett adds.

"Oh. Well, I've got my thing back at McMurdo, so, yeah." John smiles at them both, noticing how the orange jacket makes the blue of McKay's eyes stand out dramatically.

"If Dr. Weir is interested." McKay blinks flatly, "I doubt this would interfere with your 'thing'. We all work for the Air Force here." 

"Interesting." John is puzzled. When he was told this might be an extended trip he packed a duffel bag, but he doubts he'll be here long.

McKay steps up on the platform and John find himself staring at the man. There is something about the way McKay looks at him. Something as rare as they say this Ancient gene is; something John has gotten good at detecting after all these years. 

In the military, it is really important not to read these things wrong. Sure, the guy acts abrasive, but he is sure that McKay is attracted to him by the way his eyes are flitting over John's body.

"You can probably get out of the chair now." McKay sounds dismissive as he barks the command.

But John doesn't move. He smiles up at lazily at McKay and gives him a long, sure gaze. McKay flushes but holds the gaze. Then, his eyes get big before he blinks and looks away, seeming flustered. 

John is confident that there is something of interest here. He likes this bright-eyed scientist. He isn't flashy but he is good looking. Honey colored hair, high angled cheekbones, John likes what he sees so far. It is hard to tell with that fleece on, but John imagines his body. McKay looks like the kind of guy who wouldn't have too much hair on him. 

Smooth arms and chest, maybe? It has been so long since John got laid. Finally, he stands up out of the chair and rubs the back of his neck. He eyes Beckett who is busy on his computer and looks back at brusque scientist.

"Well" John steps in close to McKay, leveling his eyes flirtatiously with an easygoing smile, "That was different." 

He watches McKay's face closely; it seems nervous but interested. John will have to make the first move with this guy, but he can tell McKay wants him. Besides, this whole outfit will be out of here soon. No one stays Antarctica unless they have to, not even for alien technology; John will never see the guy again. 

It's worth taking the risk before he loses the chance. No one at McMurdo will find out. He wants to fuck McKay and he is going to see if McKay will let him. 

"I'll see you later." John says softy, squeezing McKay's elbow as he walks by. 

Walking down the platform, he speaks more loudly, "It was nice meeting both of you." 

As he exits the room, John lets his cool demeanor fall away. He wanders through the busy corridors full of scientists wondering if they all work for the Stargate program Beckett told him about. Have they really traveled through a wormhole device and been to other worlds? 

Undoubtedly, they were recruited for specialized talents. Whereas, before John took the long elevator ride down and stumbled backward into the chair, he was just a glorified chauffeur. If he hadn't been asked to fly General O'Neill here, John never would have known about this secret base just 45 minutes SSE of where he is has been stationed at McMurdo all this time.

His whole worldview is going through a radical readjustment. He tries to take it all in, but the details swim in his mind. Wondering if this could all be an elaborate joke, he stares in silence for a while. 

Over the last 11 months, John hasn't had much to do but drink. Ever since they exiled him here, hoping he would fade into obscurity. And he's has been happy to oblige. Well, not happy exactly, nothing ever feels happy anymore. Numb, it has gotten numb. Cold and quiet like the drifts of snow outside. 

Antarctica is a lonely continent, a good place to be in solitude, to disappear from your past. With a lot of drinking and a little Johnny Cash, it isn't so bad; he's almost at peace here doing his penance. 

There hasn't been much to disrupt the glacial pace of his routine; quite different from his life as a pilot in a war zone. In a way he's come to admire the serene beauty of the landscape. At first, it all looked the same, but then he started to pick out the subtleties, the ripples in the snow, the undulating tufts.

"Colonel Sheppard, I've been looking for you." Dr. Weir, the woman from the chair room calls out to him.

John gives a friendly nod and walks her way.

"Rodney no doubt told you about the expedition?" 

Feeling out of his element, John shakes his head apologetically.

"Well," she smiles, "as long as you're here with us, I'd like you to help test this Ancient technology. Dr. Jackson believes he may have found another outpost. If O'Neill allows us to use the ZPM to get there, we want to be prepared for what we'll find."

"ZPM?"

"Oh, yes. Short for Zero Point Module; it taps enormous amounts of energy from subspace, though explaining how it works is really more of Rodney's department. The ZPM we have here is what makes the Earth defense platform work, and we would need to use some of its power to dial a gate that far away.

See, if Earth is attacked again, the ZMP will be needed to send out a fleet of drones. A Naquedah reactor isn't sufficient to do this, so we'll need to make sure there is enough surplus energy. Rodney seems to think there will be, provided we can find a way to channel the ZPM through the gate."

"Naquadah? What --what do you mean, attacked again?"

Dr. Weir, or Elizabeth as she insists he call her, takes him by the arm and explains further as she shows him to some temporary quarters. The more she talks, the less John feels he understands what is really going on here.

The small bedroom is spacious by McMurdo standards. Elizabeth tells him that the members of the expedition will be in Antarctica for a few more weeks. She would like him to stay and assist with testing as long as he is able to. Providing his commanding officer and O'Neill are in agreement, John consents. 

Before she leaves, Elizabeth gives him directions to the mess hall and he asks for a favor. 

"What is it?" She looks curious. 

"Beer?" John asks hopefully, "You guys have that kind of thing here?" 

She laughs and takes him to room nearby with a giant Television screen and a small bar, "Help yourself to anything you want while you're here." 

For the rest of day, John makes himself available to the various people working with the Ancient technology. Nothing is as exciting as the chair, mostly interfaces for the outpost operating systems. 

In between projects John lurks around the chair room, waiting to see when McKay will be done. As the evening goes by, other people leave; the chambers get quiet and empty. But McKay types away at his computer, eating his ready-made snacks instead of dinner. John leaves to get himself some food. 

When he comes back McKay is still working. John wants to get him out of that fleece; he has to have him. And it has to be tonight. He doesn't know how long he will be here.

"Hey." John steps up close.

"Hey." McKay looks up casually and returns to typing.

Leaning over the table where McKay is working he says, "I was hoping to get your help with something." 

"Oh yeah." McKay rubs his brow, "What's that?" 

This is not going to be easy. John sighs, tilting his head playfully, "Well, it's just, I'm really bored and I heard there was a game room." 

"There is?" McKay blinks, "Oh yeah, there is. It's pretty small. Mostly some computer games, no one uses it really." 

"Can you take me there?" John lifts his eyebrows. 

Looking around the room uncertainly, McKay seems to decide it is okay to leave and stands up, "This way." 

He follows McKay a short way and then tells him, "Hang on. I forgot something. Be right back." 

Making a quick stop in his room, John dashes to the bar to grab some beer. When he returns with a six-pack under his arm, McKay looks irritated. They continue down a hall until they reach a small room at the end of a corridor. 

Again it is luxurious compared to McMurdo, but no TV screen. That is probably why people opt for the movie room Elizabeth had shown him. Other than some board games and some older computers, it has a couch, some chairs, and a table. 

As John sets the beer down, he sees McKay turning to leave, "Wait, you're not going to keep me company?" 

"Oh." McKay turns confused, "You- Okay." 

After he ushers McKay back in, John shuts the door behind them. The handle has a lock on it and he discretely turns it in his fingers. 

"Here," John grabs McKay a beer, "have one." 

"I don't usually." McKay frowns.

John shrugs, "Today has been an unusual day?" 

He twists the top off of his own drink and sits on the couch. Then John sets McKay's beer on the table next to him, hoping he takes the hint. Picking up the bottle dubiously, McKay sits where John wants him. 

To close more of the distance between them, John stretches his long legs up onto the cushions. Sitting with his back on the armrest, he lounging casually, facing McKay

"It's good." John takes a sip.

"Hmm." McKay takes off the lid and gives it a try, "Yeah, okay." 

Next steps, figure out what makes this guy laugh and get him out of that fleece. 

It turns out that McKay loves Sci-Fi movies and TV shows, anything to do with physics or math, and his cat. He likes to make fun of his coworkers, telling John stories about how brilliant he is and that they are not worthy to be his sidekicks. 

"Really?" John teases, "'Cause you seem like more of a Robin than a Batman to me." 

Though McKay gives him an infuriated look, John feels a growing familiarity between them, as if they have known each other longer than a day. 

By the time they are on their second beers, John purposely turns the conversation to sex. He asks McKay questions, like if he's has ever done it in public. 

Joining in the spirit, McKay asks John if he's ever done on a plane. They take turns asking questions and McKay looks less grumpy now, almost cheerful, laughing easily. 

"Ever done it with a guy?" John asks when it is his turn.

McKay just blinks and doesn't answer.

"I'll take that as a yes." John smiles.

"Have you ever done it with a guy?" McKay takes a sip on his beer.

"Well, since I'm in the military and all," John looks at him seductively, "no comment."

McKay's eyes get big, like he finally understands that John is flirting with him.

"Have you ever" John pauses and looks at the other man with open desire, "let another man be inside you?"

The scientist seems shocked, flushed with arousal, looking down and then back up to John, "Yes."

"Would you," John asks without giving McKay his turn, "ever consider letting me-?"

As he tries to think of a sexy way to proposition the man, John falters. When he's done this before, there hasn't been a lot of talking.

McKay's mouth falls open; he stares at John, taking in short breaths. Worried, he may have got too far, John's hands fumble with his beer. McKay looks like he might panicking. 

But McKay doesn't panic; he holds John's gaze and nods decisively.

"I can tell you would make me cum really hard." John's chest is warm with growing confidence, "I could make you feel good, McKay."

"O-oh." McKay's breath hitches.

"Are you as hard as I am right now?" John licks his lips. 

"Yes." McKay closes his eyes and lets his head fall back onto the couch. 

Standing up, John adjusts his painfully crowded cock in his pants. He sets his beer down to the side of the couch and walks in front of McKay, touching his arm to get his attention.

"Do you want to do something about it?"

"Y-Yes. Yes." McKay looks up at John with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. 

John pulls the lube out of his pocket before he starts to take his pants off. 

"What, here!?" McKay is stunned.

"Locked the door." John points.

Incredulous at the obvious premeditation of this seduction, McKay shakes his head.

"Take this off." He tugs on McKay's fleece.

Staring at John's tented boxers, McKay flushes and willingly takes of the jacket. 

"Mmm." John looks him over and runs his hand up McKay's hairless arm, pleased. He kneels down and slides the table away from them, pushing McKay's shirt up and feeling the wonderfully smooth skin on his chest. 

McKay starts to looks uncomfortable. 

"So nice." John assures him. That seems to relax him. Running his hands up the inside of McKay's pants, he squeezes his cock.

Impressed, John tells him, "Very nice." 

He starts to undo McKay's pants but McKay takes over to do it himself. So John pulls off his own shirt and boxers. 

****************

When Rodney looks up, Sheppard is naked next to him on the couch. Oh my God. His cock is enormous, very long but thick, too. Rodney can't believe that thing is going to fit inside him. Is it even possible? 

The cock is straight and has a clean peach tone, not too veiny, not too anything- It is perfect, like Sheppard himself. Rodney gapes at it feeling a bit scared, as it stands to attention, ready to fuck. He can't believe this is even happening. This hot pilot guy wants to sleep with him? 

He isn't used to really good-looking people wanting him back. And Sheppard is so, so incredibly hot. Rugged and yet boyish, with those long lashes over big green eyes. His skin is clear and light but not pale. 

And that head of hair. That thick crop of dark hair pushing itself out from all angles -it almost looks too messy to be military. Sheppard's body is lean and strong. He looks so long and graceful, ready to pounce. 

Rodney suddenly realizes he is still wearing boxers and a T-shirt. He is really just some average nerd, not out of shape exactly, but not toned or chiseled either. Feeling inadequate, he wishes the lights were off or as least lowered. 

Sheppard grabs Rodney familiarly around the waist and turns him onto the arm of the couch. He palms one of Rodney's cheeks and makes a noise of approval. His hands push up under Rodney's shirt, along the curve of his back. Then he lowers them, catching and tugging on the waist of Rodney's boxers. This is all happening so fast. Rodney's head is spinning.

Easing Rodney's boxers down and pulling them off, Sheppard kneels behind him. Oh God, he can feel Sheppard's cock brushing against his balls. He pulls Rodney's shirt up over his head and runs his hands across Rodney's skin before bringing them back to rest on his ass. Sheppard seem to delight in his ass, playing with it and squeezing it. He even gives it a light swat or two, making a small smacking sound. 

He leans away and Rodney hears him squirting the lube. Oh Fuck. This is really happening. Sheppard runs a reassuring hand under his chest and then grabs Rodney's cock. 

Oh. That. Is good. Sheppard is stroking him, teasing him. Rodney has butterflies in his stomach. 

Then Sheppard stops. He uses both of his hands to spread Rodney's cheeks and wet his hole with the lube on his cock. 

Feeling afraid again, Rodney shivers. How did he end up here with this stranger? The size of that thing- Rodney feels Sheppard's fingers enter him, stretching him in preparation, then he feels something much bigger pressing against him. It almost feels like a fist. Sheppard pushes and pushes. 

Rodney breaks out into a light sheen of sweat and bears down as hard as he can. He can feel the head start to work its way in. 

He stifles a cry of pain as Sheppard holds onto his hips and uses them to push himself in past the ring. The head is all the way in and it burns, it's on fire. Rodney bites his lip and lets his head fall over his hands, onto arm of the couch. 

Oh fuck. Fuck-fuck. It really hurts. He shouldn't be doing this. Sheppard is pushing in for more. He's just going to- Oh God. Sheppard tries to get it all the way in one intense thrust, but it just doesn't give. It's too big and Rodney isn't ready. 

"You feel so good, McKay. Fuck. I can't believe how tight you are." 

With smaller movements, Sheppard begins to grind instead. Rodney sighs in relief. This is better. The burn starts to ebb into a pleasant ache where his prostate is being stimulated. The sheer pressure of a cock this size is overwhelming, but Rodney starts to relax enough to accommodate it. 

He feels Sheppard start to slide deeper and deeper into him. The pain is gone but he still feels afraid, vulnerable with someone he doesn't even know. No one has ever been this deep inside him. 

Sheppard's hand closes around Rodney's cock again and he forgets about the fear. 'Oh yes. Touch me like that. Yes. Like that'. 

Then Sheppard starts to thrust, pumping in and out. Rodney feels like a ragdoll, skewered on this huge cock. He is slumped over the side of the couch, letting Sheppard use his body however he wants to. But dammit it goods feel. 

His body shakes and heaves as the base of Sheppard's cock and balls ride up against his ass. Hearing the smacking sound as they slam into him, Rodney feels ashamed of himself for being such a slut.

But he is burning with pleasure now. The way Sheppard's hand is pumping his cock is- Oh, the ache inside him is even more intense. That huge cock is driving him mad with desire, it feels even better than the hand job. 

Major Sheppard is fucking Rodney hard. He has taken him completely, and Rodney feels so out of control. Helpless, he wants to resist this somehow, but he is about to cum. 

Helpless. Please, oh, please. God. Sheppard's cock has him so deep. It feels like it is reaching up Rodney's throat, squeezing the wind out of him. He breathes in time with the thrusts. Oh fuck. Fuck. He is going to cum. Rodney's body shakes and spasms under Sheppard's hard shaft, cumming in bright white shock.

Sheppard lets go of Rodney's sticky cock and uses both of his hands to grip Rodney's hips, pumping into him intensely. Rodney feels the cock in his ass tighten, the cum gushing into him. 


Military Man Ch. 01



"Oh God!" Sheppard screams. He leans his sweaty brow against Rodney's back, trembling a little, "Ohhh. Oh my God-Jesus, you are so tight." 

The two of them breathe together for moment. Then Sheppard pulls out of his ass unexpectedly. Rodney makes a noise of discomfort. Sheppard presses his dry palm to Rodney's back and holds it there for a second, then he stands up. As he hears Sheppard getting dressed and getting his things, Rodney stays hunched over with his face hidden against the couch. 

Is Sheppard leaving? Is he going to say anything at all? Rodney starts to feel small. His face is burning with shame. Why did he let this happen? This was a huge mistake. He can't face this man now, not after letting him do this to him. 

Rodney hears the sound of the handle turning and then the door closing. He keeps his face hidden out of fear that Sheppard might still be there. Then he remembers that the door is unlocked and jumps up fearfully, locking himself back in the empty room. 

In a panic now, he wants to put his clothes on but he has cum all over him. Rodney rummages and finds some paper towels, wiping his dripping ass and stomach. As he cleans up the spot on the couch as best he can, he feels the wetness dripping out of him again. Sheppard's cum in his ass. Rodney dries himself once more. He feels so hollow and empty. 

It's like Alex said, no one would ever want him for anything more than just a cum-rag. Rodney vows not to let this happen again, not matter how hot a guy is. Probably just best to avoid guys all together, stick with woman- not that they usually want him. Feeling humiliated, Rodney pulls the towel from his crack; the cum is probably done leaking out of him by now. 

Collecting himself, Rodney hurriedly pulls his clothes back on. Then taking a deep breath, he opens the door. No one is there. He makes his way to his room and hides in the darkness. 

The next day Rodney is sore. When he sees Sheppard in the lab, he can barely make eye contact. He tries not to think about last night, but he still feels the ache of Sheppard's cock deep up inside him, nearly into his chest. 

Strange, Sheppard seems the same as before, casual and easygoing. Throughout the day he makes trips to the lab to speak with Rodney and Carson. They run several tests with Sheppard in the chair. Rodney monitors the results and tries to maintain the same kind of professional detachment Sheppard seems to have. He keeps the dialogue as limited as possible.

When the day is over he opts to stay out of the mess hall and hides in his room, eating some MRE's instead. Later than night, once Rodney is in bed, there is a soft but unmistakable knock at the door. Bleary eyed, Rodney answers in nothing but his boxers. 

It is Major Sheppard. He seems a bit drunk leaning in the doorway. There is a dark and dangerous look in his eyes. Rodney feels his stomach flip-flop. Oh no. He had told himself he was not going to do this. 

No, he is not going to- Sheppard's hand presses onto Rodney's bare chest pushing him backwards to the bed. Rodney lets himself fall back onto it far too easily. He gives a soft whimper as Sheppard pulls off his shirt. It is dark but he can make out the solid sinewy lines of Sheppard's chest. 

He can't take his eyes off the man as he unbuckles his pants and swings sloppily onto the bed. Bumping into Rodney as he takes off his shoes, Sheppard lolls his head into him. 

The attraction is making Rodney's mind cloudy. His cock begins to harden as he feels the contact of Sheppard's bare arm leaning against him. This is the point where he should say no, he should stop Sheppard now. But he doesn't, God help him he wants this man. And he wants Sheppard to want him. 

The Major pushes his pants and boxers to the floor and then pauses. He lifts a finger and smiles like he forgot something and reaches to his fallen pants pocket to retrieve a small bottle. Lube. Rodney swallows hard as he thinks about how big Sheppard's cock had felt in his ass last night. 

"Take them off." Sheppard gives Rodney a smoldering look. 

Rodney knows what to do. He pulls his boxers down and moves up on the bed a little defensively. He lays flat on his back, unsure of himself and worried Sheppard might be too rough given his intoxication. Last night had been rough enough. 

As Sheppard lays next to him, Rodney's feels the inviting warmth of his skin make contact. Sheppard's hand pushes against Rodney's hip and rolls him to his side, where Sheppard is guiding him. The Major's body is warm against his back, he is breathing into the nape of Rodney's neck, heavy and deliberate. He moves in closer, his cock between Rodney's cheeks. It is hypnotic as Sheppard moves his body, pulsing and writhing against him. Rodney's cock is rock hard now.

Sheppard leans in closer, pressing his lips into Rodney's neck, trailing them until he reaches the curve of the shoulder. Rodney lets out a soft cry of surprise when Sheppard's teeth bite into his flesh. It is enough to let Rodney know The Major is taking possession of him, but not enough to really hurt. 

"McKay." Sheppard releases and exhales in lust. He inhales just as deeply, raking his fingers down McKay's stomach. 

Self conscious of his body, Rodney is glad that it is dark. Sheppard moves his hand to Rodney's hip and squeezes. He feels his own cock pulse in anticipation. The strong hand rocks Rodney's hip, sliding his ass against the waiting cock nestled in his crack. Rodney goes limp and lets the man move him any way he wants to. 

His cock is bursting now and he feels so guilty that he wants to be used like this. Sheppard reaches back to the table for the lube, then Rodney can feel Sheppard's cock back between his legs, slick and ready. His fingers are wet too and they presses into his tight crease. 

Rodney widens his legs to help Sheppard find what he is looking for. The fingers fumble over Rodney's balls before they find their way up to his hole. Then Sheppard wobbles back away from Rodney, to make more room for entry. He knees one of Rodney's legs, making him spread wider. 

Now Rodney is at an awkward angle, halfway between lying on his side and bending over. He grabs at his pillow with his free arm and hugs it into his chest to stabilize himself. Sheppard sits up with one of his hands resting on Rodney's back and the other working its way into his pucker. The finger moves inside, opening him, playing just enough to get him wet. 

Then Sheppard lies back down, guiding his cock between Rodney's cheeks. He finds his target and begins to push against the entrance. It is so impossibly big; it feels like it can't possibly get in. But Rodney knows Sheppard will breach him, just like he did last night. Oh, God. It is moving in past the ring and it hurts. 

"Ohh." Sheppard gasps with the effort and stops there for a moment. 

Rodney exhales, trying to relax into it; his hard cock is pressed into the bedding, aching.

The Major leans his body up again holding himself up with one arm and grabbing onto Rodney's shoulder with the other. Sheppard pushes his cock deeper and Rodney chokes, trying to catch his breath. It is so intense. Fuck. Breathe. Fuck. 

Thankfully, Sheppard has stopped moving momentarily, he pants on Rodney's shoulder, heavy with lust and the smell of beer. 

"So good." He mumbles.

It isn't even close to being all the way in. Rodney squeezes his eyes in fear and anticipation. He knows what it feels like when Sheppard is all the way in. Like a punch somewhere up inside his stomach that makes his whole spine go to jelly. At first it burns, and then after it stretches, it aches so good, sending waves of pleasure down his legs and up his into chest. 

He feels like a puppet that Sheppard controls, completely at his mercy, being used and loving it. The cock slides in deeper, he is grateful that so far Sheppard is being more careful with him than he was last night. 

Frustrated that this angle won't allow him to go as deep as he wants to, Sheppard prompts Rodney "Up." 

He obeys, bowing to his stomach with his legs spread wide for the Major, taking care not to dislodge Sheppard's cock in the process. 

Sheppard moves Rodney into the new position and groans, "Yeah." 

Here it comes. Rodney breathes. Sheppard pushes in all the way. So big, so big, so big. Rodney concentrates and he tries to relax, to get used to the size of the thing. Sheppard doesn't wait and begins thrusting deeply into Rodney with desire. 

Oh God. It is too much. He squeezes his eyes tight from the pain. Rodney feels like he is isn't going to be able to take it. He's still so sore from last night. Sheppard quickens his pace, slamming in balls deep. Rodney gasps as Sheppard grips his legs, spreading them even wider and pulling Rodney up into him with each thrust. 

"Please- please-please" he whimpers, as his eyes water from the pain. 

Alex said Rodney liked to be hurt. He must have been right. He shouldn't have let Sheppard in when he saw he was drunk. He shouldn't have let him in at all. Rodney breathes in time to the thrusts. 

The pain subsides a bit and then Rodney starts to feel some enjoyment from all the deep pressure. The friction on his prostate is intense. And the sensation of been fucked so deep, so far inside, is starting to ache so good. 

Rodney's skin burns with passion and shame. He shouldn't want this, to let someone use him like some kind of disposable toy. It feels wrong and dirty but he can't say no this man. He wants Major Sheppard to fuck his ass. Even if it means he will hate himself later, Rodney wants it now. It feels so good to be wanted by somebody, even if it is just for a moment. 

He fists the sheets to keep himself in place as Sheppard's thrusts propel him forward. It is all Rodney can do just to breathe and accommodate the cock moving inside him. 

"Fuck, McKay." Sheppard gasps. 

Feeling Sheppard's hand curl around his cock, a thrill races through his body. The pleasure begins to overload as Sheppard pumps his shaft, and he feels like a puppet again. 

Sheppard is taking him from inside and out. Rodney gives into the sensation, letting Sheppard ride him to the brink of an orgasm. As Sheppard squeezes his cock Rodney explodes, pulsing in staggered waves. His orgasm slowly subsides. Then the cock in his ass swells even bigger as Sheppard cums inside him. 

"God! McKay." The Major grips Rodney's shoulder as he spasms.

He waits quietly to see what will happen next. Sheppard stops shuddering and pulls out. Rodney hears him picking up his clothes off the floor and getting dressed. 

Right. Of course. Rodney stays on his stomach but presses his legs back together. He doesn't want to look any more pathetic than he already feels. The Major finishes getting dressed and Rodney hears the door open and close. 

Did this just happen? It seems so surreal. He just lies there for a while in the dark. Rodney starts to move and moans. He puts his hand on his lower belly. God, it really aches. Doesn't hurt too much, but he feels the ache deep inside him every time he moves. He is probably going to be feeling this for days. 

Every step he takes, every time he sits down, he is going to be feeling like he got fucked hard by Major Sheppard. 

So stupid. Thinking about it now gives him a flutter of butterflies in his stomach. He shouldn't be doing this. Sheppard is so far out of Rodney's league and he obviously doesn't want anything more from Rodney that a quick fuck. He gives into the great sadness that has overtaken him as afterglow of the deep orgasm fades. 

He sighs and turns the light on to clean himself up. After changing the sheets and wiping himself down with a damp cloth, he puts on some fresh boxers and gets back into bed. He feels so pathetic and worthless. To hide his shame and let the oblivion of sleep take him, Rodney turns the light back off. 

Seeing Sheppard the next day is so disconcerting. It is weird how natural he seems, as if nothing has happened between them. Rodney joins in the act and serves Sheppard some acerbic barbs. The Major serves right back, bantering easily, seeming to enjoy himself. It unsettling how comfortable this man feels intruding into Rodney's life and personal space. 

In public, Sheppard appears to have no special interest in Rodney. He doesn't treat him differently. It's like it never happened. It probably won't again. Rodney loses track of Sheppard after work and spends the evening catching up with Carson over dinner. 

When Rodney gets ready for bed in his quarters he thinks about Sheppard. He has the stupid thought maybe Sheppard will come for him again. Rodney feels excited by the idea then kicks himself for being so pathetic. He won't come, even if he does, Rodney vows to send him away. 

Yes, the man is sexy and he makes Rodney cum like he's never cum before, but the price to his self-esteem is too high. After Alex, Rodney had thought that was the last time, the last time he let someone use him and make him feel low. 

But here he is 6 months later, giving himself to the first man that wants quick fuck. No, Rodney won't do it. He turns on his pillow with resolve. Then he hears a soft knock. It can't be. The knock comes again. All Rodney has to do is leave it unanswered, but his body feels like it is not his own. He feels himself rise and walk to the door without any internal struggle. He has no willpower at all. 

And there he is. The sexy pilot, leaning into the door frame with an easy smile. His eyes are clear tonight, sober and sparkling with desire. 

Sheppard opens his wide pouty lips, "I couldn't stop thinking about you all day." 

He gulps. Sheppard has been thinking about him? Rodney moves back to let the man into his into his room. Sheppard closes the door behind them and starts to take off his clothes. Rodney stands awkwardly before he thinks to do the same. 

Oh God. What is this man going to do to him tonight? It doesn't matter. Whatever he wants, Rodney knows he will let him do it. He shivers. Then he feels Sheppard stand behind him and run his warm hands up and down Rodney's chest. Though Rodney has always thought his chest his least attractive feature, he submits to the attention. 

"I couldn't wait for tonight," Sheppard says as he rests his chin on Rodney's shoulder. 

Speechless, Rodney has butterflies in his stomach. Sheppard's hands play lower along his belly, finally reaching for Rodney's hard and ready cock. His knees go a little weak as Sheppard's sure hands grip the shaft. He nudges Rodney toward the bed and lays him down on his side. 

Sober Sheppard seems more certain of what he is doing. He props Rodney's head on a pillow and moves his legs open at just the right angle for Sheppard to fuck him on his side. He lubes his cock and lies down next to Rodney. His fingers gently play and wet Rodney's hole. Breathing heavily against Rodney's back, he moans as he places his cock against Rodney's entrance. 

He doesn't force it, but gives it to Rodney in inches, working his way in. Rodney feels light and fluttery, he likes this softer approach. One of Sheppard's arms is wrapped around the front of Rodney's chest, holding them close together as Sheppard grinds slowly up into him. It feels amazingly good. As the cock hits the parts of Rodney that felt bruised earlier, the sensation changes to one of a pleasurable ache. 

As the Major works his way up, deeper and deeper, Rodney clutches at his arm for support trying to take in the entirety of the massive cock. Sheppard lets Rodney hold onto his arm, seeming to be okay with this small amount of intimacy. 

Then Sheppard moves his other hand onto the soft flesh between Rodney's hips and presses back, arching Rodney's ass even closer. Rodney feels them together both breathing heavily in satisfaction. Sheppard moans with desire as he begins to circle his hips, making small thrusting motions. 

Gasping, Rodney feels his body melt; it feels good to let the Major do whatever he wants to him. It feels so damn good. The movement starts to rock more deeply, thrusting lightly in and out. Sheppard presses Rodney's chest firmly into himself and starts to play with Rodney's cock. He begins lightly, dancing his finger around the base and balls, then teases the tip. 

Finally his strong hand takes ahold of the length and strokes him. Rodney flutters as the cock inside him moves faster and with more intensity. He groans and trembles under Sheppard's movements. What has this man done to him? He can't think straight. 

Sheppard winds the tension up higher and higher until Rodney is out of control, moaning and muttering incoherently. He takes Rodney over the edge, screaming when he cums. Then Sheppard drives deep into Rodney's ass losing control himself.

"God. Fuck. McKay!" 

Still holding onto one of Sheppard's arms, Rodney doesn't want him to go. This time felt almost tender, almost close -it least compared to what it had been. But Sheppard sighs and pulls away, leaving Rodney alone on the pillow. 

This time Rodney doesn't feel quite as ashamed as he hears Sheppard getting dressed and leaving. He doesn't know why he wants this man so much but he will take what little he can get. Tonight felt so good, he has to admit to himself that he isn't going to be able to say 'No' to this. He will let Sheppard take him, take control, regardless of how much it terrifies him. 

The next week and a half is a confusing jumble of activity. Everyone is so busy trying to prepare for the expedition, even if they don't know whether or they will be allowed to go. It all depends on whether the IOA will allow them to use up a big chunk of energy from the ZPM that powers the chair weapons platform. The days are hectic and the nights even more intense. 

During the day, Sheppard is always the same with Rodney. Lightly bantering, detached and amused by his surroundings. Then at night, he comes for Rodney, sometimes rough and hard, sometimes more careful. Rodney can't predict the moods; just that Sheppard will come to him, wanting, and ready to fuck. 

He feels thoroughly used, yet enjoying it. Sheppard fucks Rodney like he's never been fucked before. Usually it is raw and purely sexual. But some nights, when Sheppard is almost gentle, Rodney lets himself imagine it could develop into something more. A silly fantasy that fades when Sheppard abruptly takes his leave. 

Rodney knows Sheppard just wants to cum, and when Sheppard is finished, he is done. But Rodney has come to crave the time he spends with the man, even at work. Though they snipe at each other frequently, it feels familiar, like they are buddies, almost. 

When Sheppard tells Rodney that Elizabeth has asked him to join the expedition to the Pegasus galaxy, Rodney's heart skips a beat. 

The idea of having Sheppard near him, not having to stop whatever this is -it sounds too good to be true. Rodney gushes and tells him that it is the opportunity of a lifetime and that he should say yes. Sheppard looks pensive and unsure. 

"Look," Rodney tells him, "I know you kind of like Antarctica and all, but this is the sort of thing that most people don't even get to dream of doing. Only the very best and brightest have gotten the opportunity-" 

"Whereas, I got a lucky gene." Sheppard cuts him off with a sardonic smile.

"It doesn't matter why." Rodney continues, "You should really consider that this is an amazing opportunity." 

"Okay," Sheppard smiles again, this time more amused, "maybe I will."

Later that day, Rodney is walking down a corridor by himself when sees Sheppard walking toward him. Sheppard has a strangely dangerous expression on his face. As he gets closer to Rodney, he stops in front of him. 

Rodney raises his eyebrows. 

"I'm coming to Pegasus." Sheppard growls, "Just have to get my stuff from McMurdo." 

His eyes narrow at Rodney, then he looks around the hall tactically. Rodney wonders what Sheppard is looking for and turns to see himself. 




Military Man Ch. 01



Suddenly Sheppard's strong arms grab Rodney around the waist. He opens a nearby door and peers into the small dark storage closet. Pulling Rodney in, he shoves him up against the wall and he bites his neck. 

"Ahhh." Rodney cries out, "Wh-What are you doing?" 

Pushed flat against the wall, Rodney hears the Major unbuckling his pants. 

"Wait. I-" Rodney is anxious; Sheppard has never been like this before, "I don't know if this is such a good idea, I-" 

The two of them wrestle a bit as Rodney struggles. Sheppard keeps him pinned as he drops his drawers; he is fumbling with Rodney's pants now. 

"No," Rodney isn't able to put up much of fight and protests instead, "Wait." 

Easily holding both of Rodney's hands with one of his, Sheppard he uses his other hand to finish undoing Rodney's pants. 

"I know you want it." Sheppard whispers, "Tell me you don't want it and I'll stop." 

Panting from the struggle, Rodney tries to think. Of course Sheppard knows he wants it. Sheppard knows he can take Rodney however he wants, whenever he wants. Rodney is as shaken by this realization, as he is by Sheppard's sudden attack. He lowers his eyes silently to his pants around his ankles. 

When Sheppard pulls down Rodney's boxers, he is completely hard. 

"Now." He leans into Rodney's ear sounding satisfied, "Tell. Me. That you want it." 

"I," Rodney swallows, his face warm with shame. He whispers, "I want it." 

Roughly spinning Rodney around, Sheppard leans him against a low shelf. He grabs and squeezes Rodney's pert, full ass, playing with the cheeks and slapping them.

"Mmm. So tight McKay. So fucking tight." 

Sheppard rustles with a small bottle. Oh thank God, he brought lube. Quickly lining up his target, Sheppard spreads Rodney's cheeks and pushes in. 

"Ahhha!" Rodney cries out. 

"We just gotta be quiet." Sheppard holds his hand over Rodney mouth as he thrusts his way into the tight hole. 

"Mmph-Mmph. Ohhm. Mmph." 

Rodney's cries are muffled. Unprepared to be taken this fiercely, he whimpers into the Major's hand as he pulls in and out of him, deep and fast. His eyes water and he moans against the shock of penetration, hoping that the pain will pass soon. 

"-Mmgh --Mmph-Uhgg --Ughh -Mmm" 

As Rodney stretches, his muffled noises become less frantic. Sheppard reaches for Rodney's wilting erection and pulls on it. It is all so intense. He feels pleasure but it has a sharp edge to it. Sheppard wants to cum fast and he is trying to take Rodney there with him. 

The scene of it all, humiliating at first, is now turning Rodney on. He gives in and sags into the shelf, letting Sheppard have complete control. He hates that being used turns him on, he feels so helpless with Sheppard fucking him like this. But Rodney cums fast into Sheppard's hand. 

"God. So hot." Sheppard rasps as he turns his full attention to penetration, "Your ass is so fucking tight." 

Driving deep, Sheppard rides the orgasmic ripples; his body shaking against Rodney as he swells and releases, spurting his cum into Rodney's ass. 

"Ahhhhh. Oh. So fucking tight." He pulls out releasing Rodney's hips.

"I'll be gone for the night at McMurdo." Sheppard quickly pulls his clothes on before closing the door behind him. 

That had been hot. But he feels bare. Rodney is conflicted. He just wishes he and Sheppard were closer. It feels so weird to let somebody he hardly knows have all that control over him. 

Sheppard probably thinks Rodney is as pathetic as he feels. He knows Rodney will let himself be used. For some reason Rodney lets himself hope that there could be more between the two to them, that he could be closer to this man. Still, he's glad to have a night off. Rodney is so sore now and doesn't think he could do it again tonight. 

But that night when Sheppard doesn't come, Rodney misses him. Not just the sex, but having someone interested enough in him to want to spend time with him. He hates how pathetic he is. 

After flying back the next morning, Sheppard acts casual and aloof. Obviously Sheppard didn't miss Rodney. The day is unspectacular and Rodney finds himself retiring early. Afraid that Sheppard won't come, he is relived when he hears a knock at the door. 

When Rodney lets him in, Sheppard smiles but his eyes look serious. Instead of stripping right away, Sheppard sits on the end of the bed. Rodney follows him and sits nearby, waiting. 

"I got my stuff." Sheppard turns his face to look at Rodney.

Perplexed, Rodney answers, "That's good." 

"It's just," Sheppard shifts his weight on the bed, "I wasn't planning on leaving here. At least for a long time." 

"I think you made the right decision." Rodney smiles. 

Sheppard furrows his brows like he is uncertain but nods. Then he gets up off the bed. Turning on the bedside lamp and the overhead light off, he stands by the door taking Rodney in. 

What does this guy think of him? Rodney feels insecure and small. Sheppard breaks his gaze and pulls the lube out of his pocket, placing it on the nightstand. Then he begins to strip. 

This part Rodney knows; he takes his clothes off even though being under the light is making him feel awkward. But Sheppard looks at Rodney as if he likes what he sees. Rodney starts to turn over, but Sheppard's hands stop him and roll him onto his back. 

Kneeling over him on the bed, Sheppard takes Rodney in again with his eyes. Rodney shivers a little under his gaze. Sheppard's heavy palm touches Rodney's chest; he stares at it, moving both his hands over Rodney's chest and stomach. 

Then Sheppard lifts one of Rodney's arms that are plastered to his side. He rolls his fingers up and down the length as if there is something about he enjoys. He releases Rodney's arm and runs his hands over Rodney's cock and then down his legs. 

He examines one Rodney's legs in the same he did the arm. Rodney has always felt self-conscious about his scant amount of body hair, especially on his legs and chest. But Sheppard smiles in a way that eases his insecurity. 

As Sheppard folds his legs up into a bent position, Rodney understands. Sheppard wants to take him from the front. Looking thoughtful for a minute, Sheppard then uses his easy access between Rodney's spread legs to play with his cock. 

Closing his eyes, Rodney lets himself relax. Sheppard is taking his time tonight, he is not demanding. He nurses Rodney's erection before wetting his own cock with lube. Then he lifts Rodney's legs higher than he was expecting. 

Surprised, Rodney's eyes go wide as he feels his legs being lifted over Sheppard's shoulders. Sheppard gazes down at him and smiles softly; the expression on his face almost seems tender and Rodney relaxes again. Sheppard positions himself to enter but leans forward so that he is looking down at Rodney's face. He watches him intently at he begins to push his way inside. 

As the head begins to breach him, Rodney's mouth goes wide and his breath hitches. He is hyperconscious now of the faces he is making. He bites his lip and inhales sharply as Sheppard sinks in. 

Little gasping noises keep escaping him each time Sheppard drives his cock deeper. It feels intense, but it doesn't hurt, Sheppard is watching closely and making sure he doesn't go too fast. Rodney feels so exposed and vulnerable; pulses fluttering, like some sort of current radiating through each time Sheppard moves inside him. 

And Sheppard is watching him, seeing how much he moves Rodney, seeing how he can make Rodney feel. He can't fight this; he surrenders to Sheppard as he always does, letting himself be lifted into pure ecstasy. Sheppard keeps the pace slow and steady, sensing just the right timing needed to keep Rodney's eyes rolling back in his head. 

He feels bared with Sheppard staring down at him, so strong and intense; Rodney can't read the expression. His eyes flutter up and back again. Sheppard seems to know just when Rodney is ready for more. Thrusting harder in and out, Sheppard uses the lift he has on Rodney's legs to pump into him. 

Rodney cries out in pleasure. He is completely under Sheppard's dominion and Sheppard has discovered just how to use Rodney's body, to play it like an instrument. As he gasps and moans, he can hear Sheppard moaning too. 

God. His cock is so hard and Sheppard isn't even touching it. Rodney feels like he could cum just from this. He loves this feeling of John's cock moving inside him. Rodney hasn't let himself think of him as John before. But he wishes he could call the man who has so much power over him by his first name. Oh. John is touching his cock now. Oh. It's too much. He is cumming-

"Oh God! John!" Rodney screams out without thinking.

Sheppard's cock swells inside him; he shudders and groans, finally letting go of Rodney's legs as he pulls out. Catching his breath, Sheppard leans back to the end of the bed for a minute resting on his hand. 

It feels like he has broken some kind of unwritten contract by using Sheppard's first name. He hadn't meant to. Rodney watches him anxiously.

Without meeting his eyes, Sheppard pushes himself off the bed and collects his things. This time Rodney watches him get dressed. He is surprised by how shaky and nervous the other man appears. Sheppard is always so confidant but the look on his face now is almost fearful. Carefully keeping his eyes averted, Sheppard's hands seem to tremble as he pulls his clothes back on. When he is finished he leaves without a word. 

For some time Rodney lies there unmoving, wondering what could possibly be going in Sheppard's head. Whatever it is, there a lot more to story than Rodney knows. 

Tonight, at least for a while, it seemed they were close in a different way. But now Sheppard is gone and he feels lonely and unlovable; disgusting for wanting sex with someone who only wants to use him. Rodney just came harder than he ever has in his life, but Sheppard doesn't care about him. He knows Sheppard isn't mean; he just didn't care for Rodney that way.

And Rodney likes Sheppard so much, whether it is fucking or just talking at work. Rodney wants to be around him whatever he can. It scares him how much he wants this man. It is pathetic and stupid. Looking down at his pale hairless body, Rodney feels contempt. Why would anyone feel anything other than disgust for him? 

He tries to keep the darker thoughts away, the ones at the edge of his mind. But the sound of Alex's voice crowds into his mind. Rodney curls himself into a ball and tells himself to calm down. 

Nothing good will come of remembering the past. He can't let it ruin the little bit of pleasure he has been able to find since then. Rodney forces himself to stand; he cleans up and puts on some fresh boxers. Feeling a little less vulnerable now, he turns off the light and curls back into a ball on the bed.

When Rodney wakes he feels empty and still so tired; like he got no sleep at all, only nightmares. Fortunately they have faded. Though he is pretty sure what they were about. Rodney gets ready for the day in a haze. 

A terrible sick knot is stuck in the bottom of his stomach. He doesn't even feel like eating. He will have to force himself. There is a lot to do today; the military and the IOA, the civilian oversight committee that runs the Stargate program, have both given the expedition the green light. It will be less than a week now before they head to the military base in Colorado Springs where the Stargate is kept. 

Rodney still can't believe that he called Sheppard by his first name last night. So embarrassing. The fact that Rodney sees very little of Sheppard throughout the day leads him to believe that he has made a fatal error. 

Of course, Sheppard would be repulsed by the idea that Rodney might want something more familiar with him. Sheppard doesn't care about him. He had never misled Rodney to think otherwise. It is a very emotionless arrangement. They both cum and that is all there is to it. But Rodney has gone and fucked it all up, now he wasn't even going to get that.

That night, Rodney can't help but hope that Sheppard might come after all. But the window of time in which Sheppard would usually knock comes and goes. It is late and Rodney can't sleep. He decides to take a shower to try and relax. The showers here are pretty nice by Antarctic standards and the water rationing not as severe. 

He is taking some deep calming breaths under the hot water when he hears a noise. Startled, he looks up and sees Sheppard. Glorious and beautifully naked Sheppard. He is so tall and lean. He looks very Irish, with those green eyes and a thick mop of black hair. His skin has a pale golden hue and his face is achingly handsome. 

It's hard for Rodney to place his finger on what exactly makes him so impossibly good looking. It is everything. The playful glint in his eyes, the sinuous curves of his torso and limbs, the soulfulness in his face, and of course that perfect cock. Rodney's stomach flips when he sees him. 

"I thought I might find you here." Sheppard seems at ease, setting his clothes down on the bench, walking from around the pillar by the door and right up to Rodney.

Why would it ever occur to Sheppard to look for him here? Rodney gapes in wonder as Sheppard runs his hand up his back. God, he has missed that touch so much. It has only been since last night, but he has missed it. He could almost let himself believe that Sheppard missed him too. 

There is something in the way he is touching Rodney that is different, more intimate. Rodney knows he is probably just coloring in emotions that aren't there because he is feeling so much for this man. 

Sheppard's hands run over his chest, touching him with such familiarity. He cups Rodney's ass and squeezes it affectionately. Moving his lean body up against Rodney's back, the two of them stand there together skin on skin under the water. 

This feels different. He wants to turn around and face Sheppard, to touch him, kiss him. But Rodney knows somehow that wouldn't be allowed. 

Leaning down with his head on Rodney's shoulder, Sheppard rests it there. "I want you." 

Oh. Rodney trembles with emotion. Sheppard wants him. He wants him back. Without moving, Rodney reaches for a bottle of conditioner. Sheppard understands what Rodney is thinking and takes it from his hands. 

While putting some on his cock, Sheppard leans his head into Rodney's shoulder. To keep from washing lather away, Rodney turns the water off. Sheppard reaches his long arms around, pulling him back into his chest and moving Rodney to face against the tiled wall. 

With his head burrowed against Rodney's shoulder, Sheppard hugs Rodney's chest in a possessive yet gentle way. His other hand wraps around Rodney's waist and then strokes over his hips and stomach. Lightly caressing him, the hand works down to his waiting cock and Rodney gasps. Sheppard slowly pumps the shaft and teases the head before trailing his fingers back to Rodney's ass and preparing him.

They both moan as Sheppard slowly eases it in. There is a desperation about the way Sheppard is touching him tonight, like he is trying to reach something in Rodney that he hasn't gotten before. 

But he is not rough. When he gets his cock fully inside, he sighs with relief, moving with a shallow, even tempo. Each time it seems like he can't get deep enough. He pushes Rodney into the wall, but the arm that is hugging around his chest protects him from the force of the thrust. 

Rodney knows he is kidding himself to believe that this time is different, but it really feels that way to him. When Sheppard moves inside him, he feels less helpless and more held. The way Sheppard is leaning his head into his neck and shoulder feels so intimate. Rodney moans as the thrusts get stronger, he feels so taken by this man. It feels so right. 

When Sheppard moves his arm down to stroke Rodney's stiff cock, he feels himself unraveling. Light is bursting through him and pulsing out to his extremities. 

Every part of his body is orgasmic. He realizes that Sheppard is cumming too as he spasms and drives his cock in, trying to get even deeper. Sheppard lets out a cry and goes slack. His body slumps against Rodney's and they just stay there breathing together. 

After a time, Sheppard touches Rodney's back gingerly and pulls out. As Sheppard stands behind him, the hand remains on his back. Then almost reluctantly, it drops away.

Uncertain of what happens next, Rodney stays facing the wall. He wants to believe this time is different somehow, but he doesn't want to watch Sheppard walk out. Really, he doesn't Sheppard to see his own face, how pathetic he feels each time Sheppard leaves. 

It is quiet for a moment. Sheppard is still behind him, Rodney wants to turn around and-

No, Sheppard is leaving. Gathering his things, dressing-

As the door closes, Rodney feels all the air go out of him. He clings to the wall for support, so empty. A sob is stuck in his throat. Everything that Alex said is true. Rodney is disgusting and worthless. No man will ever want him for anything more than a throwaway fuck. 

He wishes he were something different, better. The wetness streaking down his face confirms how pathetic he truly is. Rodney gives up as the emotion tears through him and lets himself slide to the floor. The choked sob escapes his throat, but it isn't enough. Another sob, and then another, well up, push out of his chest. 

The room seems like it is closing in on him and Rodney feels so alone and afraid. He hugs his knees into himself and lies there brokenly on the cold tile floor. 

Sobs come heaving out of him now. In between, when he can catch his breath, he whimpers, "Please-please-no." 

His body shakes involuntarily against the intrusion of the painful memories. 

"Please. No." He twitches again violently; there is no stopping the tears now. Rodney feels so pathetic and disgusting. He is so stupid for wishing Sheppard cared about him. 

No one will ever care about him. He is so stupid and alone. All he can hear is Alex in his head over and over. 

******************

John stops himself and turns back down the hall to the shower. He had wanted something more tonight. He doesn't know what, but he still wants it from McKay. 

He turns the doorknob quietly and steps in. The post obscures him, but he sees around the corner. McKay is slumping onto the floor. He looks hurt and afraid. He is choking and trying not sob. It is the saddest thing John has ever seen. 

McKay looks terrified and curls into a ball, sobbing, "Please-please-no."

His body is shaking like something horrible has happened to him. What happened to him? 

Oh my God. Is this is how he makes McKay feel? He doesn't know what he did wrong, but somehow, he has done something very, very wrong. 

"Please. No." McKay shakes and sobs wretchedly, begging for it to stop. 

John feels sick to his stomach. He thought McKay had been okay with this. Is it possible that McKay didn't really want this? He doesn't know, only that he has hurt this man without realizing it. He hurt him even though he really, really didn't mean to. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt McKay. 

Silently backing away, John returns to the hall. He is horrified with himself. This can never happen again. Never again. 

***************

The following day Rodney doesn't see Sheppard in the lab at all, which is odd. Rodney asks Carson if he knows where Sheppard is. He says the Major isn't coming with them after all and has gone back to McMurdo. 

"Oh." Rodney feels a dull pain and tries to hide it. 

Carson continues, "Yes, well Elizabeth isn't happy about it. She said the expedition needed people like Sheppard." 

Reviewing the math absently, Rodney returns to his work, his plans to tie the energy of the ZPM into the Stargate. If his calculations are correct, and they always are, it should be enough to send them the long distance to another galaxy. 




Military Man Ch. 02



Editor's Note: story contains gay male sexual situations.

*

(Author's Note: Read Chapter 1 if you are looking for lots of down and dirty gay sex, this chapter contains more sexual tension and character development.) 

Everything that has happened since arriving here a couple days ago, defies belief. John's mind is still reeling from all he has learned about the Stargate program, now he is trying to integrate a whole new galaxy. 

These creatures here, the Wraith, remind him of a demented tale from a children's storybook... sucking the life out of their human victims with their hands as they absorb the energy. They regenerate each time they feed, able to live for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years; culling the planets of this galaxy, as humans would cull a herd of cattle. 

John stares out across the darkened water that surrounds the floating outpost, or rather, the star-shaped city they have dubbed Atlantis. 

Ignoring the sounds of gaiety and celebration behind him for a moment, he thinks about how precarious their position is. Stranded, without the power of a ZPM, they have no weapons or shields. They can use the Naquadah generators to dial local gate addresses, but they are sitting ducks.

Elizabeth had insisted on celebrating when John came back from the rescue mission; Making a big party for the expedition and their new Athosian allies. 

He still feels out of place, being the only member of the expedition who didn't actually volunteer. He isn't one of the 'best and brightest' of the many countries represented here. Funny, he hadn't realized that McKay was Canadian until he saw the uniform with a maple leaf flag on it...

It's not that John hadn't wanted to come. What he had been trying to avoid, was his guilt, over what had happened with McKay. If he is going to be working with the guy again, he should try to make things right somehow. 

He grips the balcony, thinking about the man he failed to bring back, Colonel Sumner. It doesn't feel like a successful mission to him. As Elizabeth joins he and Ford on the balcony, she hands each of them a glass to toast their victory. John lifts his cup and obliges her, but his face is cheerless. 

"You did good, John." Elizabeth tells him.

"I don't know about that." John tells her honestly. He thinks about the Wraith Queen's dying words, warning him that by killing her, he had awoken the Wraith from their slumber --ALL of the Wraith, she had said.

Elizabeth meets John's eyes, "Hey... There was no way you could have saved Colonel Sumner." 

"I have to live with it." He looks at her blankly.

He will never forget image of that creature sucking the life out of Sumner until he was nothing more that a gray husk, begging for John to end his suffering... And John had done it. He had fired the shot to end Sumner's life.

Sighing he telling her, "I'm beginning to think you were right. I have made things much worse. I haven't made us many more friends out there." 

"No?" Elizabeth turns to face the huge vaulted gate room behind them. It is teeming with members of the expedition as well as Athosians, "Look around you." 

Teyla, the leader of the Athosians moves forward from a neighboring railing, "I agree Major Sheppard." She places her hands on John's shoulders and leans her head in. 

John has seen the Athosians greet each other by touching foreheads and wonders if this is the gesture she is trying to make. He leans forward uncertainly and tips his head to rest on hers. 

Lifting her head back, Teyla tells him, "You have earned both my friendship and that of my people. With our help, you will make many more friends."

**************

Rodney stands next to Carson awkwardly eating hors d'oeuvres. He watches Teyla give an embrace, an Athosian "hug" to Sheppard. In the moonlight, Sheppard looks so striking. Rodney feels a twinge of jealousy that he has never been alluring - or maybe it's jealousy that Sheppard... 

He feels little flip-flops in his stomach as remembers Sheppard's hands on him, the force of Sheppard's cock deep inside him. Never mind, best not to think of such things. Rodney walks away kicking himself for caring. 

He had been so relieved when Sheppard made it back safely from the mission, but now he feels soured to the whole situation. Technically, now that Sumner is gone, Sheppard is the ranking military commander. How did this happen? Rodney is the genius that has been working with the military, like, forever. 

Rodney's the one with all the know how. This guy, just drops in from McMurdo one day and has the stupid blind luck to have the Ancient gene that activates the technology. Now the pilot with the 'I don't give a fuck' attitude is technically in charge of the military arm of this Pegasus expedition. 

The pilot who had fucked him... fucked him repeatedly and acted like it never mattered... He... had fucked Rodney, and used him, and Rodney still aches for more... It's all so pathetic. Great, and now this guy can order him around him on 'his' own project. None of it is fair.

***************

John sees Rodney inside standing next to Dr. Beckett. He meets John's eye and quickly looks away, walking back into the crowd where John can't see him. 

Elizabeth speaks again, "One more thing, Major, something I'd like you to sleep on. I have a few thoughts on it myself." 

"Thoughts about what?" John asks. 

"Who the members of your team might be." Elizabeth continues. 

John lifts a corner of his mouth in amusement, "My team?" 

"Well, you are the ranking military officer now..." Elizabeth explains, "Or do you need to be reminded of that?" 

He blinks, silently pensive. John is not the kind of guy to be in charge. He is the fuck-up, the one they sent away to get rid of. Of course, Elizabeth and her International Oversight Advisory are the ones calling the shots, but still, second in command seems...

"We need to get back out there, do what we came to do." Elizabeth says firmly.

"You realize that could get us into all sorts of..." John smiles and leans on the railing, "trouble, right?" 

Elizabeth smiles back and nods unafraid. 

McKay is the first person that comes to John's mind. He doesn't need to sleep on it. Despite everything, John still wants to be close to him in some way. John enjoyed all the time spent bantering with him and trying to piss him off. Besides McKay is always bragging about what a genius he is, maybe that would come in handy. 

Who else? Teyla, the hot leader of the their new Athosian allies seems like she could handle herself in a fight, plus it would be a diplomatic choice. Military? Lieutenant Ford would do just fine. Right, easily sorted. John sighs, feeling a little better, almost even pleased with himself.

****************

Over the next few days, Sheppard appears constantly in Rodney's lab pestering him about what he is working on. It seems Sheppard has nothing to do right now but annoy Rodney. It is his new pastime. Seriously, The guy pops in and out all day. 

Rodney finds himself acquiescing, albeit reluctantly, to his new sidekick. But Rodney is sure to never let himself quite seem to be a willing participant. He rolls his eyes and snipes at Sheppard whenever possible, secretly he is glad to be in Sheppard's company again. 

Maybe that is one of the reasons he agrees to try Carson Beckett's experimental ATA gene therapy. Odds are only about 50/50 that it will work, but he'll take what he can get. He just wants to be able to use Ancient technology like Sheppard. God, Rodney has got to stop thinking about him so much.

Throughout the day he eagerly fumbles with the small green jewel-thing that sits in his pocket. He has an idea about what it is used for, and he wants to show Sheppard. But Rodney wants to be the one to activate it, if this new gene therapy works. 

Mid-way through the day it powers on. Eureka! He pulls it out of his pocket in excitement and attaches it to his chest. It stays there and a green energy pulse washes over him. 

If Rodney is right, and he thinks he is right, this device acts as some kind of personal defensive shield. He runs like an eager kid to show Sheppard... and possibly, hopefully taunt him with Rodney's newfound abilities. 

It's about lunchtime, Rodney should be able to find him in the cafeteria. He spots Sheppard disposing of his tray and decides to come back later for his own lunch. This is more important. 

"Major!" he calls out.

Sheppard gives a polite nod as Rodney approaches, "McKay."

"We found something very important. Only someone with a strong gene like yours should be able to control this Ancient technology. Come with me."

Lifting his shoulders amiably, Sheppard agrees, "By all means."

Rodney takes them to a large warehouse room with an upper and lower level. Some of the expedition supplies are stored here. The room has a nice wide-open area, perfect for what Rodney has in mind. He stages himself in the middle and waits for Sheppard to join him.

"So..." Sheppard looks confused, "I don't understand what I'm supposed to do?"

Smiling with a bit of condescension, Rodney tells him, "It's okay, you aren't capable of understanding the complexity of this technology. That's why I'm here. All I require from you is a bit of brute force. Which I'm sure, as soldier, you should be able to provide."

Sheppard frowns at him as if he is trying to decide whether the insult was intentional or not.

Clearing his throat, Rodney lifts his chin, "Major, will you please attempt to move me from this spot."

When Sheppard merely tilts his head at him, Rodney begins again, "I am using an Ancient device, one that I believe will make my strength superior to yours. I require your assistance in testing it. If you like, you may begin with a simple punch to the-"

"Ahha. Ah." Sheppard's fist glances off the side of Rodney's face. He looks up in wonder, "What the hell was that?"

"That," Rodney tells him smugly, "Would basically make me a superhero." 

Rodney smirks that his new toy that made him tougher than the Major. "We could try something else?"

"Oh yeah." Sheppard looks around the room conspiratorially and lifts up a large piece up metal tubing. "You ready?"

Nodding in excitement, Rodney feels nothing as the bar goes flying out of Sheppard's hands with the force of the momentum. 

"Okay." Sheppard tells him, "So you have a good defensive strategy, let's see if you can attack."

"What?"

Jumping in front up him with his fists up, Sheppard challenges, "Hand to hand combat."

"Oh, I don't kno-" Rodney sees Sheppard's fists recoiling from the force of the green shield and his confidence grows. He jabs out a right hook into Sheppard's chest and watches in amusement as he flies across the room.

"Major!" Rodney runs to him, "Are you all right?"

As he gets closer, he can hear Sheppard laughing and climbing down from one of the cargo crates. "That was really cool."

After that they try out all kinds of scenarios, hitting Rodney with different objects, having him jump off of a steep ledge. Sheppard seems as giddy and playful about Rodney's new personal shield as he is. They run all around the city looking for new ways to test it out. Out of breath and laughing, Rodney races to keep up with Sheppard. 

This is the most fun he is had in a long time. It feels thrilling that Sheppard is treating him like one of the guys. It almost feels like they are friends now instead of reluctant comrades. 

"Okay... What haven't we tried?" Sheppard strokes his chin.

"Bullets." Rodney's eye's flash, "I bet it repels bullets too!"

"Uhhhh." Sheppard frowns. "Might not be the best idea." 

Sighing, Rodney tries another tactic; "You know that I'm a genius, right?"

"Ah, you keep telling me that." Sheppard says tightly.

"Okay, when I say genius, I don't just mean genius. I'm talking, probably the smartest person that ever lived."

"Ever? As in Einstein, Newton, Hawki-

"EVER." Rodney exaggerates "So when it comes to this little device, I'm sure I could easily create another one... Would you like one?"

Sheppard grins, "That would be very cool."

"See, then we could be like a superhero team. Mine's green, so I could be... 'The Green Hawk'. Yours will be pink, so you could be 'Pinky the Brain'" Rodney lifts a finger "--no wait, you're not smart."

"Mine would be Pink?!" Sheppard frowns angrily.

"Yeah, well, they can't both be the same color..." Waving his hand as he thinks, Rodney tries out a few names, "Pink Magic... Pretty in Pink..."

"You know what," Sheppard's mouth twists into a sour expression, "forget it, McKay."

"Or..." Rodney taunts, "you could shoot me and pick your own color?" 

Sheppard rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to shoot you, McKay" 

"'Pink Princess Power'... you might need some tights to go with that one though." Rodney notices Sheppard's hand drift down to his holster and decides to keep going.

"'Pretty Pink Pony'... you could have a little tail... and we could braid bells into it," Rodney sneers, "so the bad guys know when you're coming.

The gun comes out; Sheppard points it at him, but still shakes his head --unsure if this is a safe idea.

"Ooo- Oh. Oh. I got it. 'Cotton Candy' It's perfect because you may not have a lot going on upstairs," Rodney smirks as he taps his temple. "but physically you can-"

Sheppard's eyes go dark and he squeezes the trigger. A bullet glances off of Rodney's thigh and he stares down in amazement.

"That. Was awesome!" Sheppard shouts. Grinning like a kid, he tells Rodney, "Still... I think I'm gonna call this thing 'Idiot Armor', since even you can make it work."

Rodney gives him a sarcastic glare, but finds himself quickly pulled back into Sheppard's fun-loving excitability. Sheppard has another idea. He wants to see if Rodney can take the fall all the way down from the tall balcony in the Gate Room. Rodney takes the challenge and follows to the upper level. 

Once there, Rodney eyes the distance nervously. Leaning on the railing, he peers down.

"If you just step up a little, I can push you over the edge." 

Sheppard raises his eyebrows expectantly at Rodney. His eyes are full of mischief and makes Rodney feels invincible. 

"Okay, I'm ready." He tells Sheppard as he steps up.

And then he is flying over the railing. He hits the floor below and hears Sheppard's voice laughing, asking people incredulously, "Did you see that?" 

"I'm fine." Rodney proclaims raising his arms, as he jumps up unharmed.

Looking up at Sheppard on the balcony, Rodney sees him smiling like he never has before. Rodney is grinning so hard himself that his face hurts. When it comes to Sheppard, he feels too exuberant to worry about danger the way he normally does. 

But when Rodney reaches down to pull the shield off, his own hand doesn't pass through the shield. This isn't how it is supposed to work. He doesn't understand. Suddenly all his normal fears and anxieties come rushing back. He should have been more careful. He has to get this thing off of him. He wonders if Sheppard can tell how scared he is now. 

Rodney attempts to drink or eat but nothing can get through the shield. He concentrates and tries to will the thing off of him. Waiting with his eyes closed, nothing happens. "I'm a dead man," he moans.

Feeling sorry for himself and wondering why no one else seems to be as concerned, Rodney mopes in control room. Elizabeth is outlining safety precautions for the staff as they explore the city, how it is important that no one touch anything they are unfamiliar with unless it's been cleared first. 

"It's very important." Rodney adds bitterly, "I mean, you never know. Even a tiny, little innocuous thing can... can kill you." 

Rodney raises his hand and looks at Sheppard uneasily, "Dead man talking." 

As the senior staff assesses different aspects of the massive city structure, he continues to sulk. The Command personal will each be required to memorize their own 16 digit self destruct code... 

"Well, don't bother giving me one." Rodney interrupts, thinking no one is talking his situation seriously enough.

Elizabeth continues to explain how if the city is attacked, they must consider this as the last line of defense against Earth. Two codes will be required to overload the Naquadah generators. 

"You sure it'll do enough damage?" Ford asks.

With a weary expression, Rodney leans over the console. "Ever see a 20-kiloton nuclear explosion?" 

"I have." Sheppard sounds nonchalant.

He looks up at Sheppard in shock. Sheppard seems uncomfortable that all the eyes in the room on him now; he shifts his hands on his hips and takes a dismissive tone, "Not up close." 

Rodney wonders, not for the first time, what Sheppard's story is, what he was doing before he got to McMurdo. He could easily hack into the files... Rodney has never minded using his skills that way before, but somehow with Sheppard it would feel too much of an intrusion.

*****************

John is more worried about McKay than he is letting on. Elizabeth seems to think that the green thing will drop off when McKay is calm enough. 

True, it doesn't make sense that the Ancients would design a personal shield to kill someone. But he is still a little concerned. 

He has already asked Teyla and Ford to be a part of the team but he hasn't said anything to McKay yet. He seems to pretty freaked out right now about the shield not coming off. And it feels like McKay is just starting to relax around him again. 

John doesn't want to aggravate him too much right now, once this shield thing has been sorted out, he will try to have a talk with McKay and convince him to say yes.

His mind is drawn back to the present crisis developing. They are getting reports of sightings... some kind of strange shadow-like creature on the loose. 

Elizabeth thinks it is possible that a Wraith presence is projecting illusions. McKay runs some diagnostics and thinks it might be related to the wild power fluctuations the city has begun to experience.

***************

Rodney feels weak but moves from his console when he sees Sheppard enter the control room. 

He is so drawn to Sheppard. He can barely think straight without eating or drinking all day and night, his body drawn toward the other man automatically. 

He hears Sheppard's voice talking to Elizabeth. He hears himself talking as well. But he feels so far removed and lightheaded. Not long after that, the lights flicker overhead and then everything goes black. 

"McKay! You with us? McKay?" He wakes up with Sheppard peering over his face; he is curling his hand over Rodney's shoulder, shaking him through the force field.

Other faces from the control room are looking down at him as well. "Are you okay?" Sheppard asks.

"Can you stand up?" Sheppard is still has his hands over Rodney's shoulder.

Nodding, Rodney isn't quite sure, but he doesn't want to seem pathetic around Sheppard. He can stand. Sheppard helps him to his feet, then pats Rodney's back, or rather the the shield around his back.

"We're going to the infirmary." Sheppard tells Elizabeth. Then he nods at Rodney, "After you." 

Rodney walks past everyone staring at him, feeling sorry for himself. As they make their way to the infirmary, Sheppard walks closer than he usually does, out of sympathy maybe for the fact that Rodney is dying. 

After some tests, Rodney sits on an infirmary stool expecting to hear the worst. He must be very close to death now.

"He fainted" Carson makes his pronouncement.

"There's got to be a better word." Rodney objects.

"'Faint' is the proper medical term." Carson tells him.

"I passed out." Rodney argues. "From mainly hunger." 

Sheppard sounds amused, "Well, hang in there."

Rodney blinks to himself feeling stupid. 

He hears Sheppard radio with Elizabeth, "Dr. Weir, this is Sheppard. Ah, McKay's okay. He... He fainted." Sheppard makes a taunting face at Rodney.




Military Man Ch. 02



"Oh, yeah," Rodney yells after Sheppard as leaves the room "it's very sympathetic. Let's all mock the dying man!" 

Despite his glum condition, Rodney returns to the control room and dispenses some advice about the creature that seems to be drawn toward energy sources. Waving an uneaten Powerbar he has been clutching, Rodney tells the room, "If this thing feeds on energy we could be in big trouble. And when I say 'we', I mean 'you' because I won't actually be around for much longer" 

Rodney bravely forges on, going with John to investigate the anomalous energy readings in another section of the city. A transporter box takes them to a room where he finds the containment vessel once used to trap the energy creature. He concludes that the Ancients captured the being for research purposes, probably to study Ascension. 

When Sheppard asks what Ascension is, Rodney can't believe how little this guy knows about the Ancients. He explains with some exasperation. 

"Well, at some point during their evolution, the Ancients reached an, uh, advanced stage of being where they were able to rid themselves of their physical bodies and rise to a higher plane of existence, one in which they live as pure energy." 

Upon studying the device, it turns out to be much simpler than he thought. Telling Sheppard and Elizabeth, "It's kind of like a mousetrap." He shows how the device emits an energy signature that attracts the creature.

"The only downside, He explains, "is it looks like someone's actually going to have to be here to press the buttons." 

"I'll do it." Sheppard volunteers.

"Okay." Rodney agrees and turns to go. 

Elizabeth stops Rodney and suggests that he would be a better volunteer for the job due to the protection of the personal shield. 

At that moment the shield suddenly detaches from Rodney's chest. He catches it before it falls to the floor. God, he is so hungry, he rips the wrapper off of the Powerbar he's been carrying around and bites in enthusiastically. 

Sheppard narrows his eyes. 

Elizabeth gives him a dismissive look, "I had a feeling". 

"What do you mean? Had a feeling about what?" he mumbles with a mouthful of food. 

Then he realizes what Elizabeth is implying and walks back over to her. "What, you think I wanted it to come off just now? You think I'm scared? I'm not scared. I'll stay. I'll do this" 

"No, that's okay," Sheppard gives Rodney a mocking look, "-you might faint again". 

He flounders, "Look, it's just not working anymore that's al- look" Reaching out to Sheppard, he presses the device to his chest "See, it doesn't work on you either" 

Rodney is so thirsty now he needs something to help him swallow the food. 

"I just meant that it wasn't going to let you die", Elizabeth takes a diplomatic tone.

"It is just a coincidence that it happened to stop working now." Rodney objects. "God I need a drink!" 

"Go." Sheppard gives him leave.

He quickly avails himself of some much needed food and drink. When he returns to the control room Rodney bites into food wrap he stole from the kitchen. 

With a mouthful of fresh food, he asks Elizabeth if she is ready to turn the off power, so Sheppard can capture the thing. She gives the go ahead and the control room shuts down power in the city. Rodney chews and waits. 

"It's coming." Sheppard speaks into the com.

Rodney looks at Elizabeth in anticipation. 

"I think we're going to need a bigger boat" Sheppard speaks into his headset.

"Size doesn't matter". Rodney replies.

"That's a MYTH" Sheppard quips.

Jesus. Rodney nearly chokes on the food in his throat but maintains his composure "It'll FIT." 

He quickly continues on with a scientific explanation to make his remark seem as innocuous as he intended. 

"The device traps the creature in subspace. You just need to be sure it gets all the way inside the containment vessel." 

So unfair that Sheppard can get away with an obvious innuendo like that and nobody bats an eye. 

Was that remark directed at him? 

Was Sheppard trying to remind him of how huge his cock was? That he had taken Rodney with it? He somehow feels dominated all over again, at the Major's mercy. 

Well, it had fit - just barely though. Rodney feels empty and hopes his reply had sounded... 'All the way inside'? 

He hadn't really thought it through. Probably best left that way. The Major was just being... well, the Major. Rodney thinks he did a good enough job of sounding like the oblivious scientist. If Sheppard was trying to get a rise out of him, it appeared he had failed. 

From the outside, at least.

But the creature doesn't go for the ploy. It must be smarter than he thought. They try rigging up a Naquadah generator to MALP, to get the creature to follow it into a wormhole, but that doesn't work either.

It hovers just at the entrance to the Stargate. The MALP must have lost power before it made it though.

"It could be feeding off the generator or off the Stargate." Rodney tells them, "I mean, this is a disaster." 

He tries to shut the gate off but the controls are dead. Glancing at Sheppard, he suddenly feels the need to prove he is strong enough, not afraid. He grabs the shield device out of his pocket and wills it back on. 

His stomach is sick with dread but he backs away from the group, quickly walking down the stairs and toward the creature before he changes his mind. He hopes to God this shield will really protect him.

****************

John is alarmed when he sees McKay making his way down the stairs. What is he doing? He doesn't need to do this to prove himself. He's not a soldier... 

"McKay?" he yells jumping to action to try to stop him. 

It is too late. McKay already immersed in the darkness. John's chest rises and falls sharply as he stands at the edge of the dark void. McKay... 

Wait. The creature seems to be finally moving, retreating and disappearing through the open wormhole. When it is gone, McKay is lying on the ground next to the MALP. The Naquadah generator is gone too; McKay must have thrown it through the wormhole.

John runs down the rest of the stairs and drops to the ground next to him. He is unsure of how to touch him. When John had touched his arm earlier, there had been the barrier of the shield between them. He hasn't actually touched McKay since... 

Well, before today, John hasn't really touched McKay since John pulled out of him, that night in shower. It's too much. He shouldn't be touching McKay at all. 

But John pushes the thoughts aside and reaches tentatively for him anyway. He touches lightly just above McKay's wrist. Gently, just to let him know that he is here. 

Then John pulls back for a moment, surprised that the momentary contact has made him flush with warmth. He reaches back to grasp the arm more firmly, feeling anxious as the rest of the team arrives to stand around McKay's body. Is he unconscious? Lifeless?

Running his fingers softly up the inside of McKay's jacket arm, John uses his other hand to activate his com link "Medical team to the Gate Room!"

Next to him Elizabeth is talking, "He's breathing" 

Eyes wide with adrenaline, John looks up at her in relief. He is still touching McKay, willing him to be better. 

And then, McKay wakes up. 

Elizabeth rests hand protectively on his chest. "McKay?"

"What happened?" McKay asks.

"You did it" Elizabeth smiles proudly.

"I did?"

"It went through the gate" Elizabeth reassures him.

John pulls his own hand away and smirks, "You must have passed out"

"Well," McKay smiles, "thanks for not saying the other thing".

Yeah. He is going to be just fine. Despite whatever fears McKay may have, he can actually be quite brave... for a scientist. In fact, McKay is going to make a fine member of the team, -just as soon as John tells him. 

****************

Rodney continues to feel perplexed by how often Sheppard seeks him out. Sheppard obviously isn't interested in Rodney sexually anymore or else he would be coming for him a different way. Sheppard usually just takes what he wants. But Rodney is happy for the attention in any form. 

He hasn't had a lot of friends in his life, and isn't used to people trying to spend time with him. Skipping so many grades made him a target for bullies. So, Rodney had learned use his words to cut his attackers and get them to back off. 

He had retreated into his own mental world of math and physics. And it had stayed the same throughout college and his professional life; Rodney kept mostly to himself. 

No one really bullied him after high school, but he always felt the need to defend himself. Not that anyone really noticed him; mostly he seemed invisible. 

The only way Rodney knew how to get attention romantically or otherwise was to push himself to the other extreme, coming on way too strong and overbearing. Almost always, he was rejected, but occasionally it had worked. 

Rodney wonders if he and Sheppard are friends now. It has almost felt that way the few weeks. The two of them have been exploring some of the unknown sections of the city at night. It has been fun, kind of scary and thrilling. He is glad Sheppard has a gun with him, just in case. So far, there have no monsters, just old labs and equipment. 

Tonight, Rodney doesn't wait for Sheppard to come to the lab; he leaves early and goes to find Sheppard in the control room. Sheppard looks up as he approaches, his face has that slightly amused expression. 

"Ah," Sheppard turns to Elizabeth, "we're going to... go check some stuff out." 

Elizabeth looks to Rodney and back to Sheppard "Let me know what you find." 

"Will do." Sheppard stretches up from his seat.

When they get to the transporter, Sheppard points playfully to the map on the controls, "Which way should we go?" 

Rodney randomly selects a section with his finger and the doors close. When they open again it is very dark. Rodney waits for his eyes to adjust. But Sheppard makes his way out into the hall. His long gun has a small light on it that beams into the darkness.

And then the lights start to flicker on, not too bright at first; just enough make their way down the corridor. Sheppard lowers his gun and starts to move briskly. 

"I don't see what the big rush is, this stuff had been here for thousands of years..." Rodney yells after him.

"Major?" Rodney calls out as he tries to keep up. 

Sheppard stops and saunters back to Rodney. Rodney has to stop himself abruptly so as not to run into him. He comes to a standstill about a foot away. 

There is an unreadable expression on Sheppard's face as he looks at Rodney, "You know, you don't have to call me Major when we're off duty." 

Out of breath and trying to seem unfazed, he meets Sheppard's stare. It reminds Rodney of the way Sheppard had looked the night he took Rodney from the front. He feels flutters in his chest. 

The night Sheppard had held Rodney's legs over his shoulders while he fucked him... folding over Rodney and watching his face to learn what Rodney liked while he moved inside him... 

"John", Sheppard's mouth curves into a small side smile as he speaks.

Rodney swallows. So, he is allowed to call him John now? His mouth feels dry, he opens it to speak, but nothing comes out for a moment. He is transfixed under Sheppard's gaze. 

Finally he finds his voice, "Uh, okay... John."

It feels strange saying his name like that. He blinks, offering his first name in return, "Rodney." 

This is so weird; it is like they are introducing themselves again, and he feels so nervous.

"Okay..." Sheppard's smile widens, "Rodney. Let's go." 

He gestures and Rodney follows. He follows... John. 

They find a lab that looks interesting and Sheppard fiddles with some of the controls even through Rodney told him not to.

"Look, don't touch that... you never know" 

"You're touching things." Sheppard is flippant.

"Well, I'm qualified." Rodney purses his lips, "and you should just wait for me to- " 

He stops speaking as Sheppard leans close in over his shoulder to look at a screen. Losing his train of thought, Rodney trials off "Just..." 

As he moves hands over the controls, he can feel Sheppard's eyes on him. Rodney feels his skin flush with warmth and he looks up at Sheppard from the corner of his eye. Sheppard has that affable smile he often does. Where was he?... Rodney looks back down the controls.

"You know," Sheppard's lazy voice comes from behind him, "I was thinking... Just a thought, here. But you might want to consider coming out with us in the field." 

"Hmm. No thanks." Rodney frowns at the screen.

"So, that's your answer?" Sheppard turns around next to Rodney, leaning his back on the console. 

"Answer to what?" Rodney looks up at him.

"I'm trying to ask you to be on my team." Sheppard sounds exasperated.

Is he serious? Rodney gives his full attention now. Confused, he blinks a few times, staring again. 

"Okaaay... So, now I'm supposed to go out in the field too? Risk my life at every opportunity?"

"C'mon McK- Rodney," Sheppard lowers his head in a mischievous way, "I'll be fun -finding all kinds of new Ancienty devices-"

"Ancienty" Rodney cut him off sarcastically.

"It's a word", Sheppard gives him his best smile, head tilted down, eyes looking up round with those dark lashes.

And Rodney loses the will to argue. Whatever fear he feels is overcome by a crushing sense of pride that Shep-John has chosen him. He can't say no to John.

"Okay", he blurts out. 

"Is that a yes?" John tilts his head looking pleased. 

"Okay... Yes." Rodney nods with more clarity.

Then John flashes Rodney a smile that he could almost mistake for being flirtatious. 

____________ After a sudden rush of air, and Rodney is inside the cockpit with everyone else. Ford must have succeeded in getting the Jumper through the wormhole all the way -they can't have been in pattern buffer long. 

Rodney turns to see Teyla pull herself out from under John's lifeless body. 

Oh, God... he looks so crumpled like that. Rodney's stomach drops. Oh, no-no-no-no. He knew this was a bad idea. 

At least they got rid of huge bug thing that was sucking the life out John. They had tried everything, even firing a gun into it, but it had just kept regenerating itself. Teyla says it was related to Wraith somehow. 

They had stopped his heart to get it to let go of his neck. It had worked, but they hadn't been able to bring him back. 

Ford steps in from the back of the Jumper; at least he is alive. They are all alive... Just not John. Rodney is jittery, moving towards John's body where it lies motionless.

Biting on his thumb, Rodney rocks his chest slightly in apprehension. The ship lifts into the Jumper bay where a medical team is standing by. He can see John's lean, lifeless chest, with the dog tags hanging to the side. 

He remembers seeing those dog tags... falling so perfectly from John's long chest when John had fucked him... 

They aren't going fast enough! John is just lying there. Rodney feels no elation at getting the Jumper or himself back safely. It's all empty, just a deep dread about John's condition as he watches the medical team try to revive him. All he can do is stand by, helpless, and feeling far worse than anything he thought possible after this day's misadventure.

Carson jolts John's chest with the paddles. Nothing. The heart rate stays flat. 

"Again." Carson makes another try. 

Nothing is happening. 

Someone lifts a respirator over John's mouth and pumps air in. 

Rodney hears the flat tone of the machine. It is supposed to be beeping with the sound of a heartbeat. 

He watches as Carson leans over with a stethoscope. That isn't going to do anything. Help him. God. 

The tone of the monitor shifts. A blip, and then another. Then it goes flat again. No, no, no, no. 

Carson preps the paddles a third time. 

"Well done, Rodney." Elizabeth says him; he had barely noticed she was here. 

"We'll see." Rodney's tone is bitter as he watches John in desperation.

The machine beeps again. Oh good, good, it is still beeping. 

"We've got a pulse." Carson confirms.

The sounds keeps ticking, it stays steady. Rodney holds his breath. 

"Getting stronger... He's going to be okay". Carson sounds confident.

Okay, okay. Rodney still can't stop holding his breath. He has to walk out of the Jumper to get his bearings. 

His hand pulls back across his brow and over his hair. He paces back and forth, in and around the hanger bay. He isn't used to being this affected by someone. 

He still has that empty feeling in his stomach. Like he has lost something... Like he's lost his friend. He's not very good at this; Rodney hasn't had a lot of friends. 

Then he walks back into the Jumper, shifting his feet nervously as he looks at John's face and chest. So achingly beautiful, John looks so peaceful and beautiful. 

Fuck. Rodney has to leave. It's too much. He walks back out of the hanger to be alone. He has to get back on solid ground. 

Making his way to his quarters, Rodney tries not to think about John. After he takes a shower and changes out of his uniform, Rodney starts to feel like himself again. He heads down to see John in the infirmary. They should have covered his chest with something by now. 

He sees Ford, Elizabeth, and Teyla are already there. And John is shamelessly flirting with the blonde nurse attending his neck wound. Flirting seems like second nature to Sheppard. Maybe that's just how he is with everyone... 

Typical. 

Doesn't matter, Rodney is just happy he's alive. And happy isn't something Rodney feels too often, it's nice.

Before Rodney leaves, John looks up at him with sincere gratitude, "Thank you... again" There is no disaffected, affable haze. He means it.

John doesn't blame him for his bout of cowardice earlier in the Jumper. He doesn't think Rodney is liability. John's just glad they got out the mess. 

As he leaves the infirmary, Rodney's happiness soars and he swells with contentment. Again, something he doesn't feel too often.

____________ It's been 98 days now since Rodney first met John Sheppard. Everything had changed since then. The only time they have really been apart was when John changed his mind about coming to Pegasus and went back to McMurdo for 5 days. 

Rodney always knows exact figures. Numbers come easily for him. He normally just knows things like this. It isn't because of John or anything. He knows lots of numbers off hand. Like, well... It doesn't matter. 

Rodney just thinks it's weird that they've become so close over these last 98 days. His life before John Sheppard seems distant, unimaginable now. Sometimes they hang out with the rest of the team, but a lot of nights, it is just the two of them, looking for mischief. 

They explore little sections of the huge city. They walk out along the ocean on the piers. They tease and make each other laugh. John is one of the only people Rodney has ever known who rebuffs his sarcasm and arrogance as they were barriers that didn't exist. Rodney feels too transparent with him, John always seems know how to banter back and hit a nerve. So infuriating. But a lot of fun. 

He tries to put the rest of it out of mind. Not to let himself stand to close. But John doesn't seem to have that problem with personal space. He is always waltzing right up to Rodney in his amiable, lazy manner. 

Up close, too close. Rodney gets starts to feel things he shouldn't when John stands to close. Maybe it is just another way John is trying to taunt him. Rodney does his best to seem unbothered, but if he is honest with himself, John always seems to have the upper hand, by just a little bit.

Rodney smiles to himself and turns his attention back to the diagnostic he is running in the Jumper bay with some guy... What's his name? Zelenka, Radek Zelenka --what a mouthful. Rodney spots command subroutine he hasn't seen before. Then he hears a noise and looks up to see a roof panel open to the sky. 




Military Man Ch. 02



Lifting his head back to stare, Rodney gapes, "I had no idea the roof could do that." Oh, He has got show this to John, he will love this. 

Rodney radios right away to tell him what he found. John sounds excited and tells Rodney he will be by to check it out as soon as he is finished up with something. He waits in the hanger, buzzing with barely contained excitement. 

"Rodney." John comes in with Ford and smiles at him.

John and Ford walk briskly into one of the shuttles. Rodney trails behind and then realizes that Ford is sitting in the copilot seat. 

Oh. He swallows his disappointment. He had thought maybe John would take him since... Oh well, it doesn't matter. He finds something else to work on. 

When the two of them get back, Rodney is annoyed to hear they found a whole continent on the planet. 

"It's huge." Ford brags.

"Define huge." Rodney thinks about something he shouldn't for a minute. 

"15 million square miles..." John answers, "Well, give or take." 

Rodney takes a place on the opposite side of the briefing table and fumbles with his fingers on the surface. He tries to hide the fact that he feels left out. 

John tells them it is only a 25 minute trip. He points a finger, "And, I saw some sweet breakers on the South tip. There may be surfing in our future." 

Rodney tries to smile. That is probably another trip John won't invite him on. He has never been very athletic. Bet Ford can probably surf. 

He turns his mind to more practical matters like the possibility of food production. Now that the Athosians want to move to the mainland, it might be a beneficial arrangement for the both of them.

__________ Great, John has some cracked idea to capture a Wraith that will probably get him killed. Rodney is starting to regret joining this 'team', but follows the others the armory. 

He rubs his palms together nervously standing next to John, who is wearing one of those long black T- shirts that hug his lean body so well. 

Oh God, he is standing so close. John never seems to have the slightest problem assuming intimacy with Rodney's personal space. 

It's just good that Rodney knows now it doesn't mean anything. John just likes toying with people. Rodney creases his brows together and tries to concentrate on the task at hand.

"You seem nervous" John looks at him intently.

Fuck. "No." He quickly adds, "I'm a part of this team. I'm doing this" Rodney stares straight ahead.

Still staring at his face John adds coolly "Yes, you are".

Rodney turns to look at John but then John turns away from his gaze.

"I just said you seemed nervous" John adds.

With John looking away, Rodney shifts his gaze straight ahead again. 

"Oh, really?" Rodney quips with a little bite to his tone, "I thought you said 'Rodney you don't have to do this." He adds a little side glare in case John didn't catch his tone. 

Good, Rodney just sounds like he is having nerves about the mission, not anything else like sexual tension... John is just trying to get under his skin -and like always, he manages to.

"Yes, you do" John smiles up at him blithely. 

"Damn right I'm doing this." Rodney says defiantly, "Despite the fact that feeling hasn't completely returned to my extremities" 

He hopes reminding John of how he almost got taken as prey when one of those Wraith stunners hit him on the last trip out. He hopes it will make him feel just a little bit guilty. 

No way to ever tell with that impassive face.

Rodney tries to calm himself with the fact that at least the Wraith use non-lethal weapons to stun their prey rather than kill them. All the better to eat them with later that way.

By the time they are suited up and ready to head out John is dressed looking like the regular Major. Still sexy very though... 

On the planet, John has Rodney team up with him. Is to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't fuck anything up? 

Rodney crouches against John feeling almost like real soldier until the Wraith show up. Not much of a soldier after all. Too bad there all the energy got drained from his personal shield device. He can't stop staring at his gun and wondering if he's going to be able to stand up and shoot. 

"You still seem nervous" John leans into him, this time there is no teasing in his voice, it sounds gentle. 

"No, it's good- it's good" Rodney sputters out too quickly "- I'm all good. All good" His eyes are downcast and he tries to say something else but his mouth just moves wordlessly. God he feels pathetic. 

John turns around, trying to get a look at the enemy, then signals Teyla. The explosions don't seem to take as many of them out as they'd hoped. 

When John stands to start shooting, Rodney finds his body mirroring John's movements and he is squeezing the trigger too. The combined fire takes most of them down. Teyla chases one into the woods. 

John moves to the last one standing in the clearing "This one's ours boys!" 

Rodney moves without thinking, joining John in the clearing and firing his Taser so they can take it captive as planned. The Wraith looks unconscious but he seems to have had time to activate a self-destruct. Suddenly everyone is running for shelter as fast as they can. 

He lies in the grass, choking on dust when he hears the Major's voice nearby "You okay?" 

"I'm fine, Rodney answers as he stiffly rolls onto his back, trying to breathe and sound relaxed "I'm fine. This is... This is fun for me". 

The Major jumps up easily and runs off after Teyla to help capture the Wraith. By the time Rodney is getting himself up off the ground Teyla and John have managed to bring the remaining Wraith to the gate as a prisoner. As they all head back to Atlantis Rodney is thankful it is over and he didn't embarrass himself too badly this time. 

____________ Lately, John has been too obsessed interrogating his Wraith prisoner to make their evening card games. Rodney doesn't understand why John is spending so much time with the Wraith. It's not like it's going to break and talk. And it isn't going anywhere from behind that strong Ancient holding cell. 

Without John, the 3 of them decide to play Rummy without instead. Rodney prefers playing Spades, partnering up with John against Teyla and Ford. 

Teyla, of course, insists in popcorn, which she has become addicted to, even though that is more of a movie tradition. But Rodney decides he is too listless to play the game. He makes an excuse and calls it an early night. 

On the way back to his quarters, John catches up him. He has brought Rodney an extra sandwich. Brightening, Rodney eagerly agrees to head down for some exploring on the East pier. 

They search a number of rooms that night, and return eventually to one of the more interesting ones to eat their sandwiches. They were here once before, when John asked him to join the team. 

Everything springs to life as soon as they enter. It is quite an impressive layout, with several unusual looking ancient consoles and huge view screens. Rodney sits in one of the chairs examining a large screen with a map on it. 

He takes a bite of the sandwich. Oh that is really good. He mumbles to John, "It must be some kind of geological facility, look this map must represent the Lantean mainland." 

He feels John leaning in close behind him. "Cool." He tells Rodney.

Then a warm hand drops onto his shoulder, Rodney gets goose bumps as John peers at the screen with him. He decides that as much as he hates the way John intrudes into his personal space, he loves just a little bit it more.

Over the next few weeks, Rodney doesn't see John as much he would like. John's still busy with his Wraith prisoner. But rather than waiting for John to come to him, Rodney finds himself venturing out of his lab to seek John out whenever possible. 

John has agreed to give Rodney a flying lesson and this afternoon, Rodney is going to take him up on. He finds John down in the makeshift shooting range that the military has set up and waits for him to empty his clip. 

If John could hear him, Rodney would make some sarcastic remark, about how hard to must be to make holes through a piece of paper. But he has to admit, John is a really good shot. John steps away and takes of his ear-set. 

The way he smiles when he turns and sees Rodney makes Rodney's skin tingle. He saunters up close, just a little too close. Rodney's own smile is less warm. 

He blinks nervously at John, trying to hide whatever he is feeling, "Uh, hi." 

"Hi." John is easygoing and unreadable.

"Ah, I was just hoping," Rodney presses his palms together nervously, "if you had time, maybe, uh, I could take you up that flying lesson?" 

"Let's go." John lifts his hands in bemusement and lifts his brows.

Right. Okay. That was easy. John likes the fly so this should be-. 

"This way." John taps Rodney on the shoulder as he walks ahead.

Rodney knows the way to the Jumper bay. Why does John always have to walk too fast? He follows John into Jumper. John takes the copilot seat and Rodney takes the pilot's chair. 

"Okay, now what?" He is a little out of breath.

"Turn it on." John drawls.

Right, right. With his mind. Rodney feels the systems coming to life, seeing the lights flickering on. He lifts his hand uncertainty over the panels on the console. John gets up off his seat and crouches next to him. 

"You want hold on here, and don't let go." John reaches his hand down, almost under the panel and points to where the joysticks are located. 

He has seen John fly before, he should have remembered. Rodney grips it in his palm. 

Then John reaches down and closes his hand over Rodney's. Oh. There are flutters in his chest and lower, in his cock. God. John presses his fingers down and Rodney feels there are some buttons. 

"Here." John explains, "And here... You're going to want to... do this." He tilts a joystick showing Rodney the kind of motion he is going to want to make. John's hand is warm and dry. 

"Okay." Rodney squeaks out.

"Keep holding on and..." John moves back to his seat and retracts the ceiling panel, "Now lift it with your mind." 

The Jumper quivers and moves shakily upwards. Not smooth and clean the way John does. 

"Good start." John tells him, "Just try to keep it steady. Think in your mind about where you want it to go." 

It shoots up quickly, too quickly. Had Rodney been thinking about space? They almost hit the side of a building on the way out. 

"Whoa." John stops him, "Just hold it here for a minute." 

Can he do that? Yes... Yes, the Jumper is coming to a halt. 

John pulls up a screen of the mainland on the front window, "How about we head here and do some slow flying over the mainland." 

Rodney puzzles at the image, "I don't know where that-" 

"Just think about it." John gestures with relaxed wrist.

Looking at image first, Rodney closes his eyes trying to concentrate; he can feel something happening. When he opens his eyes the Jumper is moving again. 

"Okay," John looks at the screen, "not exactly on course, but in the general direction. That's what we want to see." 

Rodney glances over to the handsome pilot next to him. 

John smiles. John has a lot of different smiles. Most of the time they are some variation on some sort of bemusement. He seems flirty and assessable but still so detached, unreadable. It's like nothing can reach him, least of all Rodney. 

But Rodney smiles back, he feels like he is starting to get the hang of this thing when the radio crackles. The Control Room is calling them back. 

"Rain check." John promises Rodney before he takes over and flies the Jumper easily back into the hanger bay 

Disappointed, Rodney doesn't give up, he is able to get a few flying lessons in over the next couple weeks. Other evenings he makes his way through the empty city alone. He stays in the areas that have already been cleared, just to be safe. It is downright spooky out here. 

He stumbles back over the geologic lab that he and John found before. The room whirrs and comes to life as Rodney enters. Rodney runs his hands over the controls and flips through some of the different subroutines. 

Strange, this thing doesn't have any real geological data. It is more of an interface for... What is this? Rodney enters in some data sets and blinks at the outcome. This thing almost seems like a game of some kind. John likes games. 

Rodney stares at the screen in excitement, "Sweet!"

*******************

"McKaaay", Speaking over him, John tries to cut Rodney off before any more diplomatic damage is done.

Today is one of those days where Rodney doesn't make him want to rip his hair out in frustration; today Rodney's quirks are making him feel humorous and affectionate. 

This second day spent on Hoff is proving to be just as dull as the first. It was supposed to be a promising world in terms of technology, at least in this neck of the woods. But as the Chancellor gives John's team a never-ending tour of his nation's 'advances', it seems diplomacy and handshaking is the only thing they can accomplish here. 

That is, until the leader of the Hoffan people mentions 'a viable defense' against the Wraith that they are working on. 

"Defense?" John asks, his ears pricking up. "Really?" 

Rodney walks up behind John in the enclosed space. His front shoulder makes contact with John's back. 

John notes with some happiness, that in the months since Antarctica, Rodney has become far less skittish around him. He might be comfortable being this close to Rodney, but Rodney never ventures into John's proximity like this. And Rodney seems so completely at ease right now.

Focus, John. 

"We've been here two days before you mention that?" John asks

"I had to learn that you could be trusted" The Chancellor confides. He goes on to explain that his people are hoping this 'weapon' will protect them from the next Wraith culling, which is expected in 50 years or so. 

"50 years you say?" Rodney winces and gives John an accusatory look. 

John's eyes grow; he presses his lips together tightly before licking them and taking a breath. Yeah. And John just woke them up early.

********************

Rodney takes a mental note that John always seems to press his lips together when something is bothering him.

Suddenly he is aware that their bodies are actually touching, that he can feel the heat between them. And now he is staring at John's lips. They look full, too perfectly bowed -not like his own unremarkable lips. 

He still wishes John had given him the chance to kiss those lips, at least once... Rodney wants to know if they feel as good as they look. 

"How about that weapon?" John's voice brings him to reality.

"Yes, yes" the Chancellor beckons "If you'll just come this way" 

The weapon turns out to be a drug, an intended vaccine against the Wraith. When Carson tests it, he is brimming with excitement over its potential. He convinces Atlantis they should use the captured Wraith for experimentation and perfection of the drug. 

Rodney is hurt when John doesn't even ask him to accompany the rest of them on the trip back to Hoff with the Wraith prisoner. He tries not to take it personally that he is the only member of the team that is grounded. 

Days go by, and Rodney preoccupies himself with working on the game, learning how it works. 

Then Atlantis receives a communication about a dire turn of events. The vaccine worked -it not only immunizes but kills the feeding host as well. Only, people are dying by the hundreds of thousands, about 50% of the population is dying form the vaccine. 

After Hoff heard the Wraith were reawaking ahead of schedule, they pushed forward in desperation, disregarding Carson's precautions about limited human trails and inoculating the entire civilization. 

Now there is nothing they can do really except help dispose of the dead. Rodney joins the rest of the team on Hoff to help with the medical emergency. When he arrives, it is a grim scene. No one really acknowledges him; they all look too sickened by the consequences of this alliance.

John in particular, has a haunted expression in his eyes. Rodney knows him well enough to realize he is blaming himself for this. Maybe Rodney can cheer him up when they get back, show him the game.

For the next few days, John manages to avoid all of them after work. John eyes seem faraway and less amused than usual. He certainly isn't going to be coming by the lab like he used to, so Rodney decides to take matters into his own hands.

That night he joins John for dinner while he is sitting at one of the long benches in the cafeteria. John barely acknowledges him and keeps eating. Rodney talks nervously, filling in the gaps. He is apt to do that when he is nervous. Nothing he is saying is important and John doesn't seem interested. Rodney swallows a bite and watches John. 

"What?" John feels him staring and looks up.

"Oh." Rodney starts, "Um, I have something I want to show you... In one of the labs." 

John lowers his head and keeps eating. 

"It's a game." Rodney offers, "I think it's an Ancient game room" 

"What kind of a game?" John looks back up slyly.

"I think it's a, kind of a..." Rodney snaps his fingers in excitement, "'Risk' and 'Settlers of Catan' combination." He looks at John questioning, "You know those board games?" 

A smile is tweaking at one side of John's mouth as he nods. 

"Well, I think, it's kind of like that, but more complicated." Rodney adds.

John lifts his nearly empty tray off the bench and stands up. 

Rodney wolfs down another quick bite or two and follows suit. 

They get their laptops first and some cords to help interface the machines, then Rodney takes John down to the game room. 

He shows John the map again, explaining, "Two societies separated by a river straight down the middle. Each with their own resources and talents." 

Rodney reveals the many features and facets he has found for these fictional civilizations. The variables they can input to this simulated world are almost infinite. 

He types into one side of the two opposing consoles, "Yeah, what you do is, you take these countries that are already in the database and assume control of them. You can control everything, proper sanitation systems, water delivery..." 

"Transportation, warfare..." John starts typing into his side, getting into the swing of things.

"I mean every detail can be manipulated." Rodney moves his finger over the board, "I mean right down to the women's hairstyles." 

Selecting a blonde short spiky hairdo that looks like Samantha Carter, He smiles and speaks to the image on the screen with approval, "Hello there." 

John stands up and peers over Rodney's shoulder, "Blonde, huh?" 

"Yeah, I have a thing for blondes with short hair..." Rodney admits, "You know, like Samantha Carter." 

He forgets for a moment that John hasn't met Colonel Samantha Carter, then offers another explanation, "Only bright the brightest physicist in the SGC, after myself, of course." 

"Of course." John nods, "So, you and this Samantha Carter, dated then?" 

"No..." Rodney tilts his head thinking, "We didn't exactly. Well, no... There was a kiss on the cheek, perhaps." 

He turns in his chair to look at John. John has his eyebrows raised humorously. Rodney folds his arms over his chest, "No, but, okay... I dated Teresa Geldar, and she's the one I named my country, Geldar, after." 

"Geldar huh? Blonde?" John smirks.

"Yes." Rodney looks at him evenly.

John squints one of his eyes in thought, "Mmm. So when you say, dated...?" 

"We were an item... for a time" Rodney purses his lips.

John looks dubious and Rodney keeps talking because that's what he does when he is nervous, "Technically, it was only two dates. But I spent a lot of time with her after that, too. We would talk when I saw her in the library or when I would go to the coffee shop where she worked. I think we had quite a connection." 




Military Man Ch. 03: Momento Mori



Author's Note: Read Chapter 1 if you are looking for lots of down and dirty gay sex, this chapter contains more sexual tension and character development.

*****

Over the next couple days, Rodney can hardly think straight when he is around John. He tries to imagine how he could possibly admit to being in love him. It's not like it's going to come up in casual conversation. They are always bantering and joking around, but serious talks don't exactly seem like John's cup of tea. They aren't really Rodney's forte either. 

The idea of a letter crosses his mind, but he dismisses it as too 13-year-old girl. Maybe there is another way. John likes to drink and Rodney won a bottle whiskey off Carson during a chess game. Carson had thought he could hold his own against Rodney. A rookie mistake. No one can beat Rodney at chess. 

Not that Rodney had really wanted the bottle, he had just wanted to win. Maybe one of these nights when he and John go out on the pier... Maybe with a little alcohol, Rodney could work up the courage. Maybe. Maybe tonight. 

Rodney heads out of the lab early. John always comes by to find Rodney when he is finishing up. If Rodney leaves now, he will have time to get the loot and make it back before John shows up. 

He races to his room, grabs the bottle and couple of small cups. But he doesn't want anyone else to see this and try to join in the fun. Rodney snaps his fingers thinking... A small blanket... he has one, it's around here somewhere. He wraps it over the contents, hoping it doesn't look too conspicuous, and heads back to the lab with it tucked under his arm. 

Feeling flushed from his brisk walk, Rodney waits impatiently. Maybe it's not the walk that his him flushed. He hopes his cheeks don't look too pink and tries to calm himself. 

He is so nervous. What is he going to say? 

Oh God, what if John rejects him. Maybe Rodney doesn't have to say too much. Just something to let John know that he wants more. 

Better not to think about it. Just let it-. John walks in looking casually sexy as always. Rodney has been sitting facing the door in anticipation, usually he waits for John to lean over his shoulder and ask what is he doing. 

"Let's go." Rodney jumps to his feet and races to the door.

John follows him; waiting until they are in the hall to ask, "Go where?" 

Rodney stops and unfolds the cache. 

"Whoa." John raises his eyebrows, "Cover that back up. We don't want anyone else to see it." 

"The pier?" Rodney suggests.

"Let's go." John tells him, looking pleased.

The two of them make their way out to the empty North pier and sit on the edge with their feet dangling. This is one of John's favorite spots, Rodney knows he prefers this pier to the others. Not sure why though, they are pretty much the same even before the sun goes down. 

"Oh, this is good." John smacks his lips, "Good plan Rodney." 

Rodney sips his glass; it burns in his throat and makes him feel warm. He and John talk, the way they always do. 

This is going to be harder than Rodney thought. He feels like they already have something intimate... but how can Rodney take it to the next level? He refreshes their drinks and stops looking for an opening. 

He just isn't good at this kind of thing... He'll leave things the way they are. Maybe he can just love John from a distance and not risk the rejection. Rodney doesn't like risks or rejection. But something about John makes him want to try anyway. Chugging the rest of his glass quickly, Rodney makes a face as it goes down. 

"All right, Rodney." John laughs.

Oh. Maybe that was too much. Rodney feels like it is going to his head already. He leans back and looks at the stars, "You know, none of these stars here in the Pegasus galaxy have names."

"They have names, Rodney." John smirks.

Staring up at the night sky makes him feel calm. He always liked looking up at the stars. It is one of the only times he feels safe being small or insignificant in the universe. Physics is the closest thing to spirituality to him. The elegant design of the cosmos. 

He sighs, "It's still beautiful." 

"Who knew you were such a romantic?" John sounds surprised.

Rodney tilts his head back and looks at John, speaking softly, "I can be romantic." 

John stares at Rodney with those inscrutable dark pools, those bewitching eyes. 

And Rodney stares back. John must be able to see how much Rodney is longing for him. He must. 

"You know, we could name them." Rodney quietly ventures.

"Okay." John looks up thoughtfully.

Pulling out the blanket, Rodney folds it into a small pillow. He sits up and hopes John will follow him. Placing the blanket on the ground, he lies down on his back. There is just enough room for John to join him on the makeshift pillow. Rodney holds his breath as John moves over to him. 

John looks down at Rodney inquisitively before kneeling, but he lays down right up against him. They are so close. Rodney's breath hitches; he can feel John's arms and legs resting along side his. So close but still too far away. Rodney sighs. 

Using his free hand to point, Rodney asks, "What about that one?" 

"That one?" John points to the same prominent constellation.

"Yeah it kinda looks like wings... If you look at the -" 

"Yeah," John interrupts, "I see it. So, what do you want to call it?" 

"The Batcape?" Rodney puzzles.

"Okay, your naming privileges are officially revoked." Rodney can feel John's head brushing against his as it shakes lightly.

"Well, after my favorite superhero." 

He can hear the smirk in John's voice, "Yeah, I got that." 

"Well, what then?" Rodney frowns.

"I think it looks more like chariot... Momento Mori." 

"Moment what?" 

"Momento Mori." John says with confidence, "It's Latin for 'remember that you will die'. 

"That's cheerful." Rodney retorts.

"See, the Roman generals..." John explains, "When they came back from a victory, to the waiting throngs... There was this guy who rode in the chariot with him, calling to the crowds, 'Momento Mori, Momento Mori'... 

It was a reminder not to be overconfident. A victory one day can be snatched away the next. Enjoy life while you have it and don't be overconfident. You know... one day you may feel exuberant and immortal, the next day you could be gone." 

John pauses, "I think it's kind of romantic." 

Turning his head to gaze at John, Rodney doesn't make his usual snippy comment. 

As John stares up at the constellation, Rodney admires his profile. But then John turns his head on the pillow and gazes back at Rodney. Almost close enough to kiss. 

"I think it reminds us to cherish the most essential things in life." John tells him "Not to forget that we are human... sometimes we can mistakes." 

He looks away for a moment, then gazes intently into Rodney's eyes, "You know, sometimes I make decision early on... I can get locked into one way of thinking..." he says it as if he might be talking about Rodney. 

"There are some decisions I wish I could take back, or maybe I just wish I been more..." John blinks at him with soft eyes, "done something more. Let myself..." His eyes bat down almost shy.

Rodney trails his fingers over the back of John's hand next to him. 

When John looks back up, his eyes are full of longing, but John stays very still. 

It seems like John wants this as much as he does. Rodney's breath is coming in shallow and he feels dizzy now. He curls his fingers around John's hand, holding it softly. 

"Uh, I, sometimes..." Rodney licks his lips, "I've been thinking that I want live life more... I mean, sometimes I hold back... a lot..." 

Lifting his head off the pillow, Rodney can't believe he is about to do this, "I don't want to hold back anymore." 

He leans forward, inches above John's face. And John's hand flutters under Rodney's. Then it squeezes Rodney's hand tightly into his. John gazes up at him, his face full of desire under the alien moonlight. 

Rodney leans in slowly to take what he has been wanting for so long. 

As he feels John's breath on his lips, warm and just a whisper away, John suddenly releases Rodney's hand out from under his and stumbles back away.

With a horrified and disgusted expression on his face, John tells him, "I'm sorry," he shakes his head like he has tasted something sour, "I don't know how to do this."

All of Rodney's usual defenses are returning, he makes a bitter and sarcastic face as he reels from the sting of rejection, "Really? Because I kinda thought you did." 

"No, I- I can't." John walks backward, "Sorry, McKay" Then he turns away and is gone into the darkness. 

Oh. Okay. Now he's McKay again. Rodney feels cold and empty. What ever led him to believe that John would want him again? It was stupid, so stupid. Rodney hates himself so much. 

He isn't the kind of person that anyone would care for that way. Why did he get his hopes up? How can he ever face John again? Rodney doesn't usually drink but he feels like the rejection has shocked him sober.

Well, he doesn't plan on staying that way; tonight he plans on drinking plenty. He is going to get good and drunk to forget all this. Numbly reaching for the bottle, Rodney tries to crowd out the dark thoughts in head. Just long enough until the liquor does it for him. 

*********************

John wakes up drenched in sweat. Had he been screaming? 

It happens from time to time when he is stressed. The nightmares about Afghanistan come back. 

He had been so afraid earlier when McKay had been about to kiss him. Now the knot of fear has spread; it is tangled up with dead people and the past. He sees Holland's face and squeezes his eyes to make it go away. 

His hands wring the pillow under him. God, the fear is just so twisted up inside. John could never try to explain it to anyone else. He can't even explain it to himself. He just has to fight it back down and try to sleep before the mission tomorrow. 

***********************

Rodney wakes up with a searing hangover the next morning. The night before comes rushing back at him and he feels the shame. Oh God, he had tried to kiss John. 

The team has to go off world today and Rodney will have to see him. He is in a terrible mood as he gets ready, being heartbroken doesn't really agree with him. It is going to be hard to face John after what happened. Rodney will just have to rely on his usual shield of bad humor and condescension. 

By the time he sees John, Rodney is unpleasant, even by his own standards. John, of course, is acting like nothing happened. Not a care in the world, glib even. He should stop thinking of him as John; from now on Rodney it will simply be Sheppard or the Major.

The Jumper is attacked by some Wraith Darts as they make their way to the planet; the weapons fire takes out some of their systems. Sheppard complains to Rodney to get their weapons back online. 

"McKay!" John shouts to the back of the Jumper. Apparently Rodney isn't going fast enough for him.

"I'm almost there!" Rodney yells back. 

A few moments later he informs the Major, "Okay, you should have weapons now." 

"Negative." Sheppard replies.

"Are you sure?" Rodney is confused.

"Positive!" Sheppard shouts while trying to avoid the Wraith fire.

"I'm pretty sure I fixed it." Rodney looks back to the screen.

"Well, obviously you didn't!" Sheppard sounds like he is losing his patience now. 

The Jumper is rocked by a small explosion. 

"McKay!" Sheppard spits out his name like it is a swear. 

Thinking about how Jo- the Major treated him last night, Rodney is angry himself. He uses his words to make a point. "It's not like I'm HOLDING BACK on you!" 

That should shut him up. And it does. 

Fortunately, the weapons become a mute point when a strange energy device destroys the Darts for them. Sheppard decides they should land on the planet to find out more about what kind of weapon so easily destroyed the Wraith ships. 

The village on the planet seems rural rather than technologically advanced. To Rodney, the people seem overly superstitious about their Godhead, Athar. If there's one thing that gets under his skin it's the false illusion of religion. And all the injustices and prejudices that come with it. 

The people on the planet claim no knowledge of what Rodney can only assume is an Ancient weapon protecting the planet. The team is guided on a strenuous hike to meet the high priestess, Chaya. As Rodney walks through the gate entrance he sees the Major gaping at a beautiful woman. 

He knows Sheppard well enough to tell when is aroused, or at least he thought he did. In this case it is unmistakable. Sheppard doesn't know this priestess at all but she is staring back at the Major with open lust. 

When Sheppard speaks to Chaya, he sounds nervous, like a boy with a crush. Rodney rolls his eyes. 

Chaya holds Sheppard's hand, lingering for a long time and then turns to the rest of the team, welcoming them all by name. 

Rodney bristles and juts his chin out as Fords asks him. "How did she know that?" 

"Please. The abbots ran ahead and told her" Rodney abhors superstition.

The Major seems completely enthralled by her, his smile and conversation seem saccharine, and unlike the man thought he knew. 

Sick of all the niceties, Rodney confronts her about the presence of a weapon. But Chaya acts innocent and denies knowing anything about it. 

"Are you sure about that?" Sheppard asks softly.

She directs her full attention to him, "Yes". 

"Oh, please". Rodney groans.

Sheppard shoots him a look that says 'Shut-up-Rodney' and reminds him out loud, "Rodney, best behavior." 

Oh, it's Rodney now, is it? He responds, "This is as good as it gets, MAJOR." 

Continuing curtly to the priestess Rodney winces, "Chaya, the only reason we're alive is because of a powerful energy weapon that emanated from somewhere on this planet. It destroyed the ships that were shooting at us. That weapon is what's keeping the Wraith away." 

"No Dr. McKay," Chaya instructs, "it was Athar who protected you." 

"Athar?" Rodney throws his head back in contempt.

"Yes," Chaya answers coolly even though Rodney is sure she is lying, "Athar saw you were in need". 

As Sheppard steps in to smooth over the ripples, Chaya seems to purr to the sound of his voice. In the background, Rodney shakes his head in disgust. 

Chaya leaves to go pray for guidance over Sheppard's request. They are hoping this planet could provide sanctuary to the others in the galaxy who are suffering from the Wraith affliction. 

Rodney confronts Sheppard, "You're buying into this?" 

Sheppard says something about religious tolerance, and that Chaya doesn't strike him as the lying type. He believes she is being honest about her lack of knowledge concerning the weapon. 

A hiss involuntarily escapes Rodney's lips. This woman seems to have him wrapped around her finger. He mumbles, "So pay no to attention to the man behind the curtain." 

An hour or so later Chaya finally returns to tell Sheppard that 'Athar' is not able to provide sanctuary for anyone else.

"And you really had to chant all that time to come up with that?" Rodney asks.

"McKay." Sheppard whispers menacingly.

But he can't help himself, "You're hiding behind your religion to justify your complete and utter selfishness." 

"Rodney..." Sheppard's tone is more aggressive.

"If 'Athar' existed, she would be ashamed of herself." Rodney knows he crossed the line some time ago, but the way Sheppard is acting with this woman is making him crazy.

"We wish only to be left alone and in peace." The abbot professes.

Rodney is losing himself to rage, "So untold thousands, possibly millions of people will die out there when they could have been saved, all in the name of 'Athar'. How very, very peaceful of you." 

"You should be grateful to Athar" Chaya's eyes darken.

"This is a waste of time." Rodney declares.

She ignores him and looks soulfully into Sheppard's eyes, "Athar regrets that she cannot help you." 

"And I'm sure those were her exact words." Rodney tries to break the spell with the light of reason and his acerbic tongue.

"That's enough!" Sheppard shouts furiously at Rodney. 

Rodney closes his mouth. 

"Head back to the Jumper," Sheppard orders, "I'll be there in a minute." 

"Why?" Rodney asks weakly. 

"Because you're not helping." 

Rodney heads back to the Jumper with Teyla and Ford, noting glumly, that Sheppard is now completely in the clutches of that alien woman. 

Finally, Sheppard does return to the Jumper, but with Chaya in tow. Rodney shouldn't be surprised, that Sheppard has invited her to come back to with them Atlantis, but he is somehow is. The Major has apparently convinced her that Athar should consider all the people of the galaxy as part of her family, since they are all human and distantly related. 

Upon return, Elisabeth welcomes Chaya warmly and promises to give her a tour once she has been medically cleared. 

"Major Sheppard has already promised to do so." Teyla teases.

"Of course he has", Elizabeth demurs, noting the chemistry between Sheppard and their new guest. 

Rodney looks away, he can't watch this anymore. 

"Of course I have." Sheppard smiles.

Elizabeth invites the two of them to follow her to the infirmary. 

"Maybe I should tag along," Rodney pipes up, "in case you have any questions-' 

"I think I got a handle, Rodney." Sheppard pats him dismissively on the shoulder as he walks by.

Sadly watching them leave, Rodney babbles, "There are a lot of systems you know, absolutely-" 

"Got it covered!" Sheppard yells over his shoulder. 

Teyla leaves too and he standing by himself feeling dejected. "Fine." He says to no one in particular. 

Eventually, Rodney finds himself heading to the infirmary anyway. It's like a car crash, he just can't look away. He stations himself in a nearby alcove and peers out at the medical entrance. 

A few minutes later, he sees John practically skipping to the door. He stands in the entryway offering an arm to Chaya, like an old-fashioned gentleman. The two of them link arms and walk away looking completely taken and familiar with each other. 

Rodney stays out of view as they walk away. He can't take much more of this, so he decides to make a plea to Elizabeth about how suspects Chaya of deception. This is not entirely about his hurt feelings, despite the stalking. He believes her to be a viable threat to the city and he owes it to everyone to follow up on that. 

As the day goes by Rodney follows Elizabeth around on a fact-finding mission. They go back to the infirmary to get medical results from Carson. He tries to keep his mind off of the fact that John is still with her. 

Elizabeth doesn't seem to take Rodney's concerns very seriously. She tells him she will consider what he has said, but thinks it best he not attend the negotiations. So Rodney busies himself trying to get to the bottom of things on his own and finds something suspicious about Chaya's biometric signature. 

"Someone should be keeping an eye on her", He complains to his assistant.

"Major Sheppard is." comes the reply. 

"Oh, I'm sure he is", Rodney grimaces. 

"Not entirely for the reasons you think. Dr. Weir asked him to."

The guy is more perceptive than Rodney gave him credit for. Feeling too transparent, Rodney snaps, "Oh I'm sure she did." before quickly taking his leave. 

He roams through the halls hoping to run into Sheppard and spies him holding a basket, talking to Teyla. He can just barely make out what the Major is saying. "I'm an ambassador, and she is...a... diplomat." 

"On a late night...picnic?" Teyla seems bemused.

Sheppard stands tall, "Yes". 

Teyla reassures him, "I know that as ranking military officer here in Atlantis, that you feel a heavy burden of responsibility." Sheppard shrugs and Teyla continues, "But you... are allowed to have feelings for others." 




Military Man Ch. 03: Momento Mori



"Oh." Sheppard laughs, "No, this is a... this is an ambassadorial diplomatic picnic outing." 

"Without... having to justify them to anyone." Teyla smirks, "Goodnight, Major." 

Rodney knows he will not be welcome at this 'picnic' and heads back to the control room to talk to Elizabeth. 

"You want to send her back?" Elizabeth seems perplexed by his determination. 

"All I know is she's not who she is pretending to be." 

"And you know this because?" Elizabeth sounds wary.

"What I'm not allowed to have intuition?" Rodney asks.

"You?" Elizabeth doesn't skip a beat, "No." 

"Oh." He says flatly.

"I asked Major Sheppard to keep an eye on her." 

Rodney guffaws, "Which is like asking a fox to guard the henhouse" He follows her to her office and makes his case, outlining all the variables. 

Elizabeth finally concedes, "There is obviously something very different about her, yes. But that doesn't necessarily make her a threat." 

"It doesn't rule it out, either." Rodney has to point out.

Giving her verdict, Elizabeth tells him, "Then for the moment, I think what we could gain by securing a treaty, is worth the risk of her being here." She exits the room to prepare for negotiations. 

Feeling dejected once again, Rodney says to no one in particular, "Fine." 

**********************

John's picnic is going well, the food is impressing Chaya. 

She murmurs, "This is delicious" 

"Well enjoy it while you can because it's the last of what we have." He says sheepishly.

"Then I am honored." Chaya tells him reverently. 

He stretches out and finds himself musing, "When McKay finds out, he's going to kill me." 

Chaya looks at him smiling seductively, "Athar will save you." 

They both laugh as John replies, "Oh, good." 

The conversation rolls along easily until Chaya stops with a serious tone "I... wasn't completely truthful with you about something." 

John's face loses its smile. 

"On Proculis when I told you I did not feel lonely..." Chaya continues, "coming here and being with you..." 

John smiles again. 

She looks at him longingly as she finishes her thought, "It reminded me what it was like not to be alone." 

John finds himself standing up and backing away, his gut response to emotional intimacy. He likes her, of course he likes her, but his first instinct is to bolt. It helps that she isn't moving towards him. She's just sitting on the blanket looking sweet. He smiles at her awkwardly. 

"What?" she asks. 

He laughs nervously, thinking about the last night when he and McKay were out on this pier "Well, I mean, nothing. It's just that... This is the first time I've been in a romantic situation with a woman" 

God, why did he just say woman, it makes it sound like there's another option. He quickly continues, "-from another planet, and it just strikes me as really, um..." 

"Wrong?" Chaya offers.

"No." John backpedals, "God. No. Just... Just... Funny." 

Chaya looks hurt. 

He backpedals again, "I'm sorry. I just thought that I would, uh..." he shakes his head unable to continue. 

"You said it yourself- we're both human." She smiles.

Thankful she has rescued the conversation, John steps toward her, "Yes, we are. I'm really glad you didn't say 'family' otherwise I'd have to leave." 

"Don't", she whispers softly, looking at him with eyes full of desire.

John kneels back down on the blanket, feeling steady again. He looks deeply into her eyes and tells her something he suspects is not just about Chaya anymore, "I'm not going anywhere." 

He reaches his hands up and cradles her face. He kisses her softly at first, then with a consuming desire. Her drinks up everything she is offering with those sweet lips, takes the comfort where he can. 

**********************

Rodney is in the mess hall looking for the Major when he runs into Ford. "Hey, have you seen Sheppard?" 

Ford smirks, "I saw him go into his quarters a couple hours ago with Chaya." 

"Thanks." He manages to mumble. Rodney's stomach lurches as he runs toward Sheppard's quarters. 

Just as he is approaching, he hears the door open and sees Sheppard stretching lazily with a cat who ate the canary grin. 

He doesn't care if it looks like he's been spying, Rodney steps out of the hallway and greets him with an icy, "Major." 

"Rodney." Sheppard barely looks his way and keeps walking, "What are you doing up so late?"

"I was just uh..." Rodney's brain has stopped working, then a palatable excuse comes out in a rush, "I couldn't sleep so, so I was going back up to the control room to do a little research. What about you?" 

"Oh, no thanks." Sheppard keeps walking and Rodney wonders if he even knows where he is going or if he is just trying to avoid talking to him. 

What kind of answer is that? You'll have to do better than that, Major. "No, I mean, what were you up doing so late?" 

"I'm always up late, Rodney." Sheppard spins around to face him. 

Rodney folds his arms behind his back defensively. Of course he knows that, Sheppard used to spend his time hanging out with him in the late evening and early mornings. 

"A word of caution-" Rodney pinches his mouth up into a bitter expression, "the whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic, to say the least, let alone morally dubious." 

"What routine?" Sheppard spits out. 

"The romancing the alien priestess." Rodney points back to Sheppard's quarters, "It's very 1967 of you. Actually I'm surprised-" 

Sheppard cuts him off, shocked and angry, "If and when, ANYTHING I do becomes your business-" 

Rodney coldly interjects, "It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger." Yeah, fuck you too, Major.

"Don't go there, McKay." Sheppard growls, his eyes shining with anger.

"I'm sorry." Rodney lies, he isn't sorry, "I know I'm not normally Mr. Sensitive but you've got to believe me when I say there is something about her." 

Sheppard is striding toward him like he might hit him, but Rodney manages not to cower and continues, "I know it's intangible, but I can feel it-" Sheppard stops inches from his face. 

Rodney has never seen his eyes so stony. It chills him to bone. 

"I said, don't GO there." Sheppard's voice shakes with rage.

Sheppard holds Rodney's gaze intently until he gets it. And Rodney gets it. Right. There's no us, there never will be. Whatever kind of emotional connection Rodney thought they had... 

An image of Gandalf appears in Rodney's head thundering 'You shall not pass!' If his heart wasn't breaking into a million pieces right now, Rodney might have laughed at himself... But there's more to it than that, isn't there? What if Sheppard really is in danger? 

Inside he is dying, Rodney's voice sounds steady if not a little small, "It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your..." 

But Sheppard's eyes are sliding over Rodney's shoulder now. Rodney turns to look. Chaya is standing in the open doorway of Sheppard's room, her arms folded and a pouty expression on her face. 

She gives Rodney a disapproving glare and stomps back into Sheppard's quarters. When Rodney looks back to Sheppard he can't hide the deep hurt he is feeling. 

He shivers under Sheppard's gaze, it is unforgiving, so hard it is vicious. He's never seen Sheppard look at anyone like that; it seems like contempt or even hatred. 

Rodney is falling apart inside. What did he do to make John hate him? All he did was try to get close to him. And why her instead of him? He knows it's a stupid question. She's beautiful and a woman, and he's pasty, weak, annoying, unlikeable, the list goes on... 

Whatever this is with John, Rodney has to get away from it. It is killing him inside. He feels like a moth to the flame, no one has ever made him this crazy before. He's been running around like a jealous lover all day and now John only hates him for it. Rodney returns to his room. 

Physically he feels like shit, he should be sleeping but he can't. He can't stop thinking about John with that woman. Rodney reaches for his laptop again and starts to design a program that should enable him to secretly take better bio readings of Chaya.  

He is still up running simulations and comparing data when the sun comes up. Rubbing his sore eyes, he peers out the window at the sunrise. He'll just take a quick shower and drink as much coffee as can. If he can show Elizabeth what he came up with, she should see there wouldn't be any harm in letting him sit in on the negotiations. 

After downing a few cups of coffee, Rodney seeks Elizabeth out and explains that he can use his laptop surreptitiously to scan Chaya for anomalies. "If I really am crazy, you and I are the only ones who need to know. What's the harm?" 

"All right", Elizabeth agrees. "but be discreet." 

"I am Mr. Discreet" Rodney scoffs.

Before Elizabeth can dispute this remark, Rodney flits away to prepare.

He meets back up with everyone in the briefing some. Things go normally for a short time. But then Chaya starts to confront him about his readings. John leaps to her defense and demands to know what's going on.

At that point Rodney lays it all -that Chaya is not who she claims to be; she is an Ancient. It's the only thing that explains her perfect health, the energy weapon, and the fact that she has the gene...

Chaya drops the ruse and addresses the Major, "I see that in my desire to come to Atlantis, I have revealed too much of myself." 

She admits she can never offer sanctuary to the people suffering in Pegasus. She turns a fierce eye back to Rodney, "But you are wrong as to why I came here." 

"Why did you come here?" Sheppard asks cautiously. 

She turns to face Sheppard, her face soft, "You, John." 

"Me?" Sheppard's eyes lift in disbelief.

Chaya lowers her head again, "I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I..." 

Rodney groans from across the table and collapses back into his chair, "Oh, my God, he is Kirk." 

"So this was never about, uh...", Sheppard looks to Chaya. He licks his lips, unable to finish the sentence. 

She shakes her head to him apologetically. 

Sheppard raises a finger to the group and asks, "Could we just have a moment to ourselves here?" 

"NO!" Rodney raises his voice, almost standing up protectively to make his point. Surprisingly Teyla and Elizabeth chime in with the same sentiment. He feels a momentary swell of relief. 

"That's all right," Chaya stands up sadly, "I've stayed here long enough." She says walking out of the room. 

Sheppard's eyes dart from her to Rodney. 

Rodney looks at him plaintively, thinking 'Please don't go'. 

Looking away from Rodney, Sheppard follows Chaya out the door. 

When Rodney comes out of the room he is disgusted to see Chaya swooning Sheppard's arms. 

Just let him go. John will always go, Rodney. 'Don't GO there Rodney'. He sighs and stands back watching passively as Chaya disappears in a glowy non-corporeal form and flies away. 

Sheppard goes after to her, of course, taking a Jumper back to Proculus. 

Empty with exhaustion, Rodney walks stiffly back to his room. 

********************

When John finds Chaya, she offers him a parting gift, a kind of mind-meld. She explains, "We will know each as well anyone ever can." 

John closes his eyes and let's himself be enveloped in her shimming light. The sensation is pleasant, he can feel everything about Chaya, her loneliness and isolation, banishment from the other Ancients due to interfering in human affairs, her punishment to continue protecting the planet where she interfered, thousands of years alone, her life before Ascension, everyone she ever knew and loved, including him... her feelings for him... 

"This is cool" John gushes. 

He feels warm and relaxed even as he sees his own life flash around him, the people he has loved and lost, the death of his mother, his father's rage, getting beaten at school, and even worse, his father finding out why. Leaving home right after that. The last word his father ever said to him ringing in his ears 'faggot'. 

John knows Chaya can sense the emotional walls he built between himself and the rest of the world, his training in the military only hardened him. A string of affairs with woman over the years and a handful of anonymous sexual encounters with guys. John tried to make an attempt to get close to someone with his ex-wife Nancy, but he had failed, utterly. 

After the divorce John had met Holland. Just a friend, but John had felt so much more, and sensed Holland did too. Then he had died. There had been plenty of death in Afghanistan to keep him hard. Finally, Antarctica and solitude, lonely but safe. Until McKay. 

John can feel Chaya wondering, 'Rodney?' 

He has never told anyone about these experiences and can't believe he isn't panicking or running away. Something about the Ancient glowy mind-meld relaxes him. He can tell that Chaya understands what it means to be in the military and does not judge him.  

She tells him mentally, 'He is important to you'

And John knows he can admit it here... with her. Even if he can't anywhere else... not even to himself. 

'Yes'.

*******************

Rodney gets ready for bed early and collapses in exhaustion. He feels safer under the comforter. Less humiliated and small. It was bad enough feeling disgusting and unwanted, but it really seems like Sheppard hates him now. 

He hugs the pillow into his face. His voice is muffled when he speaks into it, "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." 

It feels like the pillow is muffling Rodney's raw emotions. He chokes into it, he doesn't want to cry. He really doesn't want to feel any more pathetic than he already is. 

But the tears come and there is no stopping them. Rodney sobs and gasps into the pillow letting his body contort in pain. No one is here to see him be so weak. 

"I'm sorry." He pleads out loud, "I didn't mean to. Please, no. No... No... I'm sorry." Rodney isn't sure who is talking to, mostly Sheppard he thinks. Maybe a little bit Alex. 

"Please don't hate me..." he whispers and dissolves into another fit of sobs. Oh God. This hurts too much. If he had known how bad it was going to hurt, he would never have... God, he feels so alone. 

He has come to terms with the fact that Sheppard doesn't care about him; it will become bearable over time. Rodney just has to let go. He can put up his own walls. He can be stony and cold like John, can't he? He will bury his hope deep down where he will never find it again. 

But the thought that Sheppard truly hates him is what he cannot bear. He has to say something, to apologize, to let Sheppard know that Rodney is sorry he made a mistake. No matter what he does, things will ever be the same between them. 

The friendship feels like it is over. The way Sheppard had looked at him with horror and disgust... and then later with hatred. It makes Rodney feel so helpless, like his soul is dying. He doesn't know if he can live with himself if Sheppard doesn't forgive him. If he can just fix that one thing, it will be enough. If Sheppard will just forgive him... Rodney cries into pillow.

Waking the next day, Rodney feels hollow but functional. He goes through the motions emptily. The day goes by, ticking away like clockwork, empty mechanical movements... Rodney knows Sheppard won't be coming by the lab anymore but he lingers a little while just to be sure. 

Then, Rodney takes a circuitous route back to his quarters, walking slowly, lost in thought. He glances up in surprise to notice someone is walking toward him from the other direction. 

Oh God, it's Sheppard. Rodney freezes. 

Sheppard does the same; he is just standing still staring at him. 

Unsure if he should try to speak, Rodney takes a careful step forward, "Uh, listen, I... just wanted to say sorry for earlier-" 

"I don't want to talk about Chaya." Sheppard interrupts and shifts his gaze over Rodney's shoulder.

Swallowing his distaste at hearing her name, Rodney steps closer to Sheppard, just out of arm's reach. Sheppard still won't look at him.

"No, I wanted to say sorry..." Rodney pleads, "about us, I didn't mean-" 

Turning his head with a flash of fury, Sheppard lunges. He strikes his palm hard into Rodney's chest, forcing Rodney up against the opposite wall. 

Sheppard is shaking as he projects, "I said, don't. Go there. McKay. EVER." 

Rodney blinks in shock and cringes. Is Sheppard going to attack him? He shouldn't have said anything at all. The butt of Sheppard's hand is piercing into his chest, but that pain is nothing compared to the way Sheppard is looking at him right now. 

Then Sheppard recoils and pulls his hand away as if it is burning him to the touch. He averts his eyes and looks more shocked than angry by what has just happened, leaving abruptly. 

Staring after him in horror, Rodney hugs himself against the wall. Oh God, he has to give this up, everything he has tried has only made things worse. Internally he struggles. Part of him feels sure he is disgusting and worthless and deserves to be treated this way but another part of him is angry. 

He is tired of being hurt. He doesn't want it anymore; maybe he doesn't even deserve it. It doesn't really matter, he just can't take this thing with Sheppard anymore... he has to get away, at least as much as possible when you work with someone nearly everyday. 

Maybe tonight Rodney will see if Carson wants to play chess again, maybe he could even let the guy win. Maybe. And no more masturbating to Sheppard, from now on it will only be Samantha Carter allowed in his fantasies. 

Rodney closes his eyes and visualizes a shield that no one can penetrate, least of all Sheppard. He feels better, steadier now. Sheppard hadn't really hurt him, just scared him really. Rodney sets his face into one of grim determination, tries to gather what remains of his dignity and walks back to his quarters. 

******************

Over the next few weeks, John notices the absence of Rodney's familiar presence. He regrets the fight, pushing Rodney into the hall. He has tried bringing offerings by the lab, as an apology, treats that Rodney likes, but he refuses them politely always saying he just ate. 

John's invitations to spend any time together are equally unsuccessful. Rodney seems to always have plans with Beckett instead. John tries not to admit to himself how much he misses the man. Even just a simple late night visit to the kitchen makes him think about Rodney, 'McKay is going to kill me if finds out I ate this without him...'" 

He teases Rodney at work, hoping to fall back into their old routine. He interjects where can, trying to get a response. Rodney may seem like his normal grouchy self to the outside eye but John can tell it is more. He is sure Rodney will get over their fight if John keeps trying. No need to talk about what happened. It will sort itself out. 

A familiar numbness has settled around him. It reminds John of the old days at McMurdo; he doesn't mind too much. He goes through his routine... work... eat... run... sleep... It seems like Rodney barely has time to talk to him anymore. Too busy in the lab or hanging out with Beckett. 

Moving on, John tries to find other activities to occupy his downtime. Teyla is pretty good at fighting with those sticks of hers and John spends time with her in the gym, trying to learn a new martial art. It is challenging, he nearly always loses, but it keeps him busy. That and taking solo laps around the city outskirts. Physical exercise is always good to keep your mind off things. 

___________

John takes the team to follow up on a promising lead for a ZPM. The world reminds him of medieval Europe. The locals lead them to a library room where ancient manuscripts speak of a device that resembles their coveted energy source. Apparently the locals have regarded the ZPM as a religious relic. They even had a society known as the 'Brotherhood of 15' who once guarded its secret location before the knowledge was lost over time. 




Military Man Ch. 03: Momento Mori



While Rodney is sifting through the library records, John sits at a big table with Teyla and Ford laughing heartily and joking around. 

Rodney walks over to them and demands. "What is going on here?" 

"Just having a little fun McKay." John says slouched over the table. Grumpy Rodney seems to have no patience for John at all. Nothing John says these days can make him laugh anymore. Even on his time off, Rodney just seems peeved. And he never wants to relax or play games.

"Can we get back to work now?" Rodney looks unimpressed.

Ford grumbles about how they aren't going to find anything and Rodney launches into a full scale rant outlining how close could be to finding a ZPM and roundly shaming them all for their lack of effort or concern. 

Teyla and Ford look admonished but John keeps a scowl on his face to hide his embarrassment. He feels like Rodney has just become the team leader scolding the naughty children. 

Well, Rodney scolds a lot, it's just usually no one takes him seriously. John decides to take this mission a little bit more seriously but not so much that Rodney will notice. 

What John does notice though is that Rodney seems to be taken the brunette librarian, Allina, who is showing them around. He seems to be hanging on her every word. Rodney's face is radiant; he actually looks happy. 

"Fascinating", Rodney tells Allina as holds her gaze longer than needed. 

John frowns looking at Rodney and then back to Allina "Yes. Fascinating." He states dryly. 

As Rodney frowns coldly at John with a warning look, John can almost hear Rodney's thoughts 'Don't fucking go there, Major'. 

"Please go on." Rodney smiles back up at Allina warmly.

She tells them about how the Brotherhood left clues and hints about the ZPM behind, should the order ever be destroyed. Allina shows them 3 stone tablets, 6 of which are still missing. She believes they form a map when complete. 

"Mmm," Rodney moves close to her to inspect the tablets. "Amazing.' He murmurs.

"It is actually." John confers.

Rodney looks up at him sharply like he is expecting a sarcastic barb. But John likes puzzles and is truly interested in the tablet, talking about how is seems to be an ancient numbering system. 

Disinterested in what John is saying, Rodney and turns back to compliment Allina, "Excellent work, I mean, seriously, I'm very impressed here." 

Has he ever heard Rodney give a compliment before? John's attention is back on the pair of them. He feels a twinge of something... John has saved people's lives... including Rodney's. On a regular basis. And all he gets in return are digs about his intelligence and sarcastic eye rolls. She finds a few rocks and Rodney is praising her lavishly. 

"That's very kind of you Doctor." Allina sounds pleased.

John rolls his eyes and goes back to inspecting the rock. And Rodney continues on trying to impress the librarian with his theories. 

He dislikes the way he feels watching Rodney flirt. Who would have thought he was any good at it? Allina seems to be taken with him as well. 

Rodney pulls out a local map and makes a connection with the stones. He is brushing next to Allina as they examine it together. As Rodney points out a pattern to her, she gets excited.

She is attracted to his brain, John realizes. Guess that's not so unusual. Rodney is attractive, but John likes Rodney for his brain, too. He just isn't used to other people having the same reaction. 

But she just hasn't seen Rodney's dark side yet. It's all fun and games when he's excited about a new idea, but then he turns on you when his blood sugar gets low, or he gets tired, or frightened, or... if you run away when he tries to kiss you. 

Yeah, that's when things got a lot grumpier. John finally admits to himself that whatever is going on isn't due to Rodney's moods or his workload. 

Rodney has been making a deliberate attempt to put some distance between them. Oh, and then there had also been John's public affair with Chaya right after the kiss that never happened. 

And... he pushed Rodney in the hall when he had tried to talk to John about it. Okay. So things had definitely been weirder since then. Rodney has barely spoken to him since. He can't really blame him. John lets it sink in. 

After hearing Rodney's plans for excavation, John splits them up into two teams. He separates himself from Rodney, taking Teyla and Ford with him. Rodney goes with the librarian and her friend. 

A couple hours into the dig John finds the stones where Rodney said they would be. Rodney has also found success on his dig. The teams reunite at the library to assemble their findings. 

That evening John watches from a distance as Rodney and Allina take a break to examine a mural on the wall. "It's beautiful." Rodney offers. 

Allina looks thoughtful, "It is... and yet my eye is drawn elsewhere." She gives Rodney an intent look, but he is still staring at the mural oblivious. 

"Hmm?" Rodney asks, "How so?" 

"I'd like to restore it one day, but I'm afraid of damaging it." Allina pauses asking coyly, "Perhaps, you could help me, Doctor?" 

"Really, you need to start calling me Rodney." 

How is Rodney not realizing that she wants him? He seemed so with it earlier. John watches as Rodney takes a deep breath and sits down on the bench by the mural. Allina joins him and continues to try to flirt, but Rodney looks tired and doesn't take notice. 

Before Allina had started showing clear interest, Rodney was doing fine. But when someone gives him genuine attention, the guy gets oblivious? John feels a pang of guilt realizing that Rodney probably isn't used to taking romantic risks. Rodney had taken a risk with John... and he had handled it pretty badly. 

Rodney gets up from his seat across the room and stumbles past the team, announcing, "I'm heading to bed." 

"Which bed might that be?" John asks. 

"Huh..." Rodney stops for minute confused, "What?" 

Ford grins, "I think Allina might have a little crush on you, Doc." 

"Oh, she does?" Rodney leans forward in disbelief like he is waiting for the punch line. 

Teyla is serious, "It is very clear to us all." 

"It is?" Rodney is incredulous.

"Well, everyone but you, apparently." John says dismissively.

Rodney leans over John's shoulder and whispers, "Should I have um..." He asks uncertainly, "Are you sure about this?" 

Now John regrets saying anything. But with Teyla and Ford egging Rodney on he tries to sound casual and supportive, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure." 

Asking John again, Rodney keeps his voice in a whisper, "What should I do?" 

John's face drops still for a moment and his heart lurches in his chest. Fortunately, Rodney can't see him because John is sitting with his back turned. He can't give Rodney romantic advice, this is so wrong. He decides to fall back to teasing instead, "You don't know what to do?" 

"I know what to do -eventually." Rodney sounds flustered and adorable to John, "I mean what should I do now? Should I say something tonight?" 

He looks to his teammates for help, but they are giving him nothing. John thinks about the self-assured Rodney he saw flirting earlier today and tries to offer him the best advice he can think of, "Tell you what Valentino- Wait till tomorrow. You'll be more on your game after you get some rest." 

"Oh. Right. Right." Rodney leans back up to a standing position, trying to sound confident, "Good answer." 

"Goodnight." John inhales sharply and sounds constricted. 

Masking with boredom on his face, John tries to keep eating with Teyla and Ford. But his heart is beating really fast and his chest feels tight. Not tired at all now, he excuses himself, saying he is sleepy. He just needed a reason, any reason to get away and breathe for a minute. 

Well, this feels shitty. He pushed Rodney away so he shouldn't... He has no right to be possessive. Of course, Rodney's going to move on, John never offered anything, so... What was Rodney supposed to do? 

If Rodney would just stop avoiding John maybe this wouldn't feel so bad. They could go back to how things were. But maybe Rodney doesn't want that anymore? 

What was it his ex-wife had said? A train wreck. 'John, you're an emotional train wreck'. He knew it was true even though he had never taken the time to examine the wreckage or try to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. 

So much of his life... The few people he had managed to let himself care for, it all got so twisted. 

'I don't know how to do this.' 

That was the most honest thing he could say, but such a feeble explanation. Rodney deserved more. John rubs the back of his neck trying to keep a headache from coming on. 

Why now? Why is he thinking about all this shit now? He's left well enough alone for this long, and it's worked.

The blending with Chaya... The important puzzle pieces of his life were all together, there for her to see. And John had seen it too. It was harder to deny now. More, Chaya had seen everything that he was and she didn't hate him for it. 

That acceptance had shifted something in him. Not that John knows what any of the puzzles pieces mean yet. But because of Chaya, he has gotten his first sighting of the actual wreckage. Who knows, maybe one day he could go back and try to do some damage assessment. 

**************************

Rodney so totally freaked out. This is too bizarre getting dating advice from Sheppard of all people. Still, if there was someone who knows how to seduce it is the Major. He can, and does, get whatever he wants. Of course, the dashing good looks and personality don't hurt. 

But, it's too confusing for his tired mind, trying not to love Sheppard and asking him how he should hit on a woman are two things that just don't go together well. 

************************

The next day at the dig, John sees his advice is not working out well. Rodney is sputtering and going down in flames, so nervous he can't seem to complete a thought. 

"You're very, very smart, and, uh... and attractive and whatnot, and, um... uh... You've got a lot of things going for you even when things don't... you know." 

John walks up to the two of them, giving Rodney another moment to pull out of the nosedive but it just gets worse. 

"Is everything all right?" Allina looks at Rodney with curiosity. 

"Everything's great." Rodney flounders, "It's great. Everything's really... going well... Why... wouldn't it be?" 

He makes the call and decides to give this failed attempt at seduction a mercy killing, interrupting, "You sure we're in the right place?" 

Ford calls over to them and tells them he has found something. Not a little stone but a really big one. It is covered in ancient writing and warns trespassers not to enter the chamber of the Brotherhood. 

The team removes the stone and enters the chamber below. Ford stays behind guarding the entrance. The room is relatively small, there is a stone medallion on the wall and a tall table with handprint devices on either side. 

Allina places the stone tablets onto the table. Rodney tries activating it but is unable to make it work. He says the stones represent a gate address, where the last stone will be. 

Then they hear gunshots from the surface and call out for Ford. Ford does not answer but the voice that does is familiar to John. 

"Major Sheppard, I'm afraid Lieutenant Ford has had to step away for a moment." 

Rodney approaches John, "Who's that?" 

"Can't be." John mutters. He can't believe this guy is still alive after John shot him twice in the chest. 

Teyla continues, "It sounds like..." 

"Kolya?" John screams up to the opening above. 

Kolya offers up his terms menacingly, they surrender the ZPM or Ford dies and the rest of them get closed into the chamber for good. 

"We're not there yet." Rodney is trying to explain, "Look the ninth stone is hidden on another planet. All we have is the gate address." 

"Dr. McKay..." the voice falsely cheerful, "So wonderful to hear your grating voice again." after a pause, Kolya continues, "How's the arm?" 

John goes cold thinking about the scars Kolya left on Rodney's arm. He is going to kill that bastard. When Rodney joins him at the opening of the chamber to face his attacker, John is surprised

Rodney pulls on the rope with his scarred arm, seemingly unafraid, "Do you want to keep trading barbs all day or do you want to find the ZPM? Look, lift me out of here and I'll help you find it but then you let my team go" 

"Shut up, McKay." John protests in a loud whisper. 

"You got a better idea?" Rodney retorts.

There has got to be a better way... but Kolya knows Rodney is the one who can make this stuff work. He doesn't want Rodney in Kolya's hands again. Why hadn't Rodney just stayed hidden in the back? John would have figured this out. 

Eventually John admits, "No." 

With Rodney gone, John paces the dimly lit room trying to find an advantage or way out. He is worried, it has been too long, and he needs to come up with a plan. Teyla and Ford help him rustle up an idea on how to ambush the Genii once they are back. It might be enough, with the meager supplies Kolya left them and a few things they found in the room. 

When Kolya returns with Rodney and the ninth stone, the 3 of them are forced to stand to the side with their hands behind their heads while Rodney tries to configure the stones. 

Not understanding the puzzle, Rodney is reticent to try a combination, so Kolya orders his man Pranos to activate the center stone. Pranos places his hands into position to activate it. His wrists are locked into place momentarily and he receives a dose of lethal poison into his palms. 

Obviously the wrong combination. Kolya blames Rodney for his man's death even though Rodney protests, saying, he tried to warn them something like this would happen. 

"What's the correct order of the stones?" Kolya demands.

"I'm not sure yet." Rodney states unequivocally.

Kolya paces the room assessing the librarian and the rest of Rodney's teammates. "Well, you'll have four chances to get it right." 

He steps up to John with distaste, "You go first." 

********************

Rodney frets as he and Sheppard discuss the puzzle and tentatively move the stones. If he can't figure this out fast... Ugh. Rodney chews his lip. Shep-... John is dead. He can't panic now; he has to find a solution. But a solution isn't coming. Fuck. Why can't he figure this out? 

John sets down a stone cautiously, "Any time you want to start... " 

"I'm thinking," Rodney's pulse is racing and he waves a trembling hand at John, "I'm thinking. All right." 

"We tried one to nine." John says soberly.

"Thank you." Rodney's lip is starting to bleed, and he sounds short-tempered "Yes." 

"How about nine to one?" John asks.

"Possibly." Rodney blinks furiously trying to clear his mind, "Pranos was right. The center stone is the only one that locks into place. All the others must move around it. I'm just trying to think of a combination that makes sense with five in the middle." 

Rodney often talks out loud to think things through but he isn't used to someone else butting in. 

"15." John speaks with confidence, "it's got to have something to do with 15... or 9, or 5-" 

"Shut up" he says harshly. Rodney can't keep his calculations straight like this. Then, a little regretfully he adds, "Please? I'm trying to think." 

"I'm not going to shut up, Rodney" John's body is tense and his voice incredulous. "My life's at stake." 

"Exactly, so simmer down, and let me save it!" Rodney wishes he had time to be polite but he just doesn't. He presses his sore lips together and gives John a dire look; John isn't paying attention. 

"You ever heard the term two heads are better than one?" John argues.

Rodney's chest is on fire, he shouldn't be so angry at John right now but he is. "That's a common misconception." He snaps, and returns to biting his lip to keep himself from screaming. 

"Give me the gun." John directs himself to Kolya, "I'll shoot him myself." 

"This is taking too long. Choose and go." Kolya warns.

Rodney's anger flares at a more appropriate source, "What, you got somewhere you got to be?" 

"Choose and go." Kolya is adamant.

"I got nothing." Rodney whispers back to John in terror.

John stares at the stones a moment then dismisses him, "Thanks for the pep talk." 

'I'm so sorry John, so sorry, please forgive me'. Aloud he mumbles, "Nine to one. It's all I can think of." 

He stares at John in remorse, but John is studying the stones. 'God help me. Don't let these be my last words to John'. 

"Okay. Step back" John orders.

"I'm sorry." Rodney whimpers.

"I'm not dead yet." John still won't meet his eyes.

Rodney tries to sound convincing for John's sake, "Yeah." He steps away but he breaks back down, again confessing, "Sorry." 

Now John is left alone with the stones and Kolya orders him, "Major. Now." 

Nothing happens for a few breaths and Rodney is wondering if he can try to tackle Kolya. He would get shot, but John might make it. There is so much blood in Rodney's face right now, his temples are throbbing. His eyes are getting watery and he wants to scream. He has to stop this; He is going to stop this. 

"I got it!" John suddenly exclaims.

"What?" Rodney starts back toward him.

"The Brotherhood of 15." John sounds excited.

Rodney anxiously moves closer, "What about it?" His head leans over John's shoulder hopefully. 

John sounds sure when he speaks, "The numbers 1 to 9 can be put in a 3-by-3 grid so that they add up to 15 in every direction. 

"Oh, you're right." Rodney's face lights up. Amazed he asks, "How'd you know that?" 

"It was on a Mensa test." John smiles a little sheepishly.

"You're a member of Mensa?" Rodney is stunned.

"No," John is still looking at the stones and answers reflexively, "but I took the test." 

"When?" Rodney can't quite picture the John he knows willingly taking a test of any kind.

John suddenly seems conscious of Rodney and turns to look at him, "You want to talk about this now, Rodney?" 

Yeah. He kind of does. How could he not know that the Major was a math whiz? Why did John let Rodney make all those digs about his intelligence and never say anything back. It's worse that John is off-limits now because this is such a huge turn-on. 

It makes Rodney respect him even more than he already does. While Rodney looks up at John's graceful stature, he has the impulsive thought that he would really love to kiss him right now. And he doesn't kick himself too hard for thinking it because John almost died and he can't be responsible for fleeting thoughts under such stressful situations. 

Before he can do anything stupid, Rodney turns his face away, "Right. Right. Okay." He helps John arrange the stones then back again.

He is still quivering with fear and anticipation, but the scream that has been sitting in his chest has dispelled. Rodney's eyes, still a little glassy, shine with relief when a ZPM emerges from the medallion. John is still alive. 

Breathing a sigh of relief, John nods a signal to Teyla and Ford. A stun grenade immobilizes the Genii and the team takes them out in hand-to-hand combat. Rodney would join in the fight but he wasn't expecting this, he can't even see straight after that flash grenade. 

"I can't believe you never mentioned the Mensa thing." He tells John on the way out. 

John steadies the rope, "I took the test. I never joined." 

"But you passed?" Rodney asks, somehow knowing it is true.

"Yes." John answers offhandedly as he continues his rope work.

Wondering if John would be interested, Rodney offers, "Well, you know we have a chapter on Atlantis. You could become-" 

"Rodney, Rodney, up the rope."

By the tone of voice, Rodney can tell that is the last thing John would ever want to do. 




Military Man Ch. 03: Momento Mori



____________

Things go downhill after the team recovers the ZPM from Kolya. Allina and her people decide to take the it back into hiding for religious purposes, so the whole mission was fruitless.

Once they get back to Atlantis, there is worse news. 3 Hive ships have been detected on long-range sensors. Without a power source for weapons or a shield it will be pretty impossible to mount a defense. 

Rodney has an idea in the staff briefing. It isn't a viable defense against the kind of all out assault they will soon face, but rather, a message in a bottle. A way to send detailed intel back to Earth in a high compression data wave. 

If Rodney is able to harness their remaining power sources simultaneously, he may be able to open the gate back to the Milky for approximately 1.3 seconds. He tells them that he could include a massive amount of information in that data burst. 

"All that in one second?" Ford in unbelieving.

John corrects him in mock seriousness, "1.3" 

"You jest," Rodney winces at John. "but if I can finesse the compression ratios, you'll be looking for things to add." 

Elizabeth thinks it is worth trying. "Do it." She orders.

Rodney jumps up from the briefing table, "Doing it". 

*************************

John catches up with Elizabeth on the way out of the briefing room to remind her that if the SGC was able to send help, they would have already done so. They are going to have to face these incoming Wraith ships on their own.

She is resolute, "We have a responsibility to warn Earth." 

"Even if it's last thing we do?" He questions.

"Especially if it is the last thing we do." Elizabeth remains confident.

John leaves with Teyla on a recon mission to gather intel, gating to a planet along the course the Hive ships are taking. He has orders to stay in stealth mode and not to try to take on any of the Wraith ships that are culling the planet. 

He had repeated the command to Elizabeth like he was committing it to memory, "Don't take on an alien armada single handedly. Understood." 

Once on the planet, Teyla introduces John to some of her friends. Knowing they are soon to be attacked, she instructs them to come to the cloaked Jumper if the Wraith arrive. 

"I can't make that promise." John clarifies to Teyla and her friends. 

Teyla face is cold as she asserts, "It will be the very least we can do." 

"If there's time." John attempts a concession hoping it will be enough for Teyla. 

Once they are alone again, John reminds Teyla that this wasn't supposed to be a rescue mission. 

She entreats John to understand, "If someone close to your family..." 

'Sorry Teyla, can't help you there, I don't have a family.' 

She continues as if responding to his thoughts, "A dear friend, was in danger of being taken by the Wraith, would you have not done the same?" 

"Not if it jeopardized the mission." She can't know that John has already done the same, back in Afghanistan. He disobeyed orders and went back in under fire. So no, he thinks, it's not that simple Teyla. John keeps his face hard. 

As Teyla tries to appeal to him emotionally, John's face remains impassive but his eyes are haunted, "You can only fight the battles you can win." 

************************************************************************

Elizabeth seems pleased by the efficiency of Rodney's data compression and the extra time it will allow for expedition members to leave personal video messages to their loved ones back home. Rodney smiles politely and heads out of the briefing to get back to work. 

She stops him on the way out, asking gently, "Rodney, you don't want to send a message to anyone?" 

To who? His cat? Instead he plays the part of the overworked martyr, "You know what, maybe with all my spare time I'll just record a message myself, hmm?" 

Rodney tries deflecting the question back to her, "You?

"Yes."she says sincerely. 

"Good. Good." Rodney punctuates to let her know that the conversation is over. 

***********************

The Wraith have dialed into the planet's Stargate so no one can escape. Forced to wait out the attack, John changes plans and cloaks the ship at the rendezvous spot Teyla had given her friends. 

She looks over at John sadly, "Not long ago, you would have blithely left them behind." 

"Well, the situation has changed." John speaks like a soldier.

She looks sorrowful and disappointed by his attitude. 

"Look", John voice is hoarse and impassive, "Look, Ford and I are military. We've spent a lot of our lives training how to survive." 

Teyla offers no excuses, "I have spent my life surviving the Wraith." 

His voice becomes more insistent, "Part of that training is knowing who you can save and who you can't." 

"And that decision is yours alone?" Teyla narrows her eyes.

John is defensive but firm, "I said that I'd wait for your friend if there was time. Now there's time." Blinking in confusion, he asks her, "What else do you want from me?" 

Turning away from him, her voice heavy with emotion, she tells him, "Too much, I fear." 

Realizing that nothing he says now is going to change her judgment about him, he wearily replaces his binoculars to watch to the horizon, "It's going to be a long night." 

**********************

Rodney has only slept 6 hours in the last three days so he is not at his personal best when he begins recording his message. Fluffing his hair a bit, Rodney clears his throat, and stands tall. 

"This is Dr. Rodney McKay speaking to you from my base of operations in the lost city of Atlantis, located," he gestures dramatically, "deep within the Pegasus galaxy. I record this message on the eve of our darkest hour. As I speak, an alien armada of biblical proportions is on its way, bent- dare I say hell bent, in keeping with the metaphor- on our destruction." 

Feeling clever Rodney smiles, "We will do our best to starve off the attack, but I am afraid that defeat is all but inevitable. I, and the other members of my team, face the most horrific deaths imaginable as our very lives are... are sucked out from our chests in a- in a..." 

Rodney curls his hand toward his chest for effect "a horrific... " 

Uh. That's not good. Don't want to go out looking like a coward. Waving his hand in front of his face, Rodney motions for a time out.

"Okay, um... Okay, starting again, starting again."

Pacing a bit trying to find his bearings, Rodney returns to face the recording device with a bright smile.

"And in 5, 4, 3... My friends, I'm Dr. Rodney McKay of the Atlantis expedition, and as the facts of our heroic struggle against the Wraith and our untimely demise are already known to you, in that light, I'd like to pass along some final thoughts. Now, my extensive education, training, and firsthand experience in the field of astrophysics has given me a unique perspective that few on Earth, or, ah, well, any other planet, for that matter- can match." 

He takes a self-satisfied breath and continues, "I'd like to take a few moments now to pass along that perspective to you." 

Fumbling with a stack of index cards he states, "I'll begin with a few observations on a subject that is both near and dear to my heart."

Smiling with in sleep-deprived confidence He pulls the top index card out, "Leadership."

But Rodney's thoughts quickly digress from his subject entirely. He sits down and forgets about the recording, rambling about the people he has loved in his life and how few of them had returned his affections. 

April Bingham, a cute blonde who he'd lost his virginity to, after a disastrous first kiss that had given him Mono. It had taken Rodney a long time to work up the confidence to sleep with her even once they were officially an item. She had been nice but after graduation but she went to another college. 

Philip, Rodney doesn't mention him by name, but just describes him as another blonde in college. He thought it was love while it lasted, but it turned out the feelings weren't completely mutual. 

After college there was a lot of rejection. Rodney muses, maybe it's just really hard to meet people in his field. There were a handful of women that he'd dated but only one that seemed to care for him much, Kendra. She had ended things eventually, just like everyone else. 

He doesn't mention Steven or the drunken encounter in a gay bar that he regrets to this day. And he leaves out his last actual relationship, which he shudders to remember. Alex was just cruel and Rodney's participation in whatever that had been was just sadomasochistic, proof of his own self-loathing. 

Switching gears Rodney thinks about another cute blonde- Samantha Carter. He'd never dated her but if he had spent more time at the SCG, maybe. He hopes. He really prefers women with shorter hair and a kind of boyish charm about them. 

"Mmm... He muses out loud, "Samantha Carter, if you're watching..." 

Placing his hand over his heart, Rodney sighs. "The torch is still burning. Sadly, Soon to be extinguished, but ah, you know, you should know I think you are just so... Well, you're great, you're really, really great. 

And I would go so far as saying you're the hottest scientist that I've ever worked with. In fact, there is not a night that goes by that I don't find myself, uh... " 

What the fuck is he talking about anyway? Rodney winces to himself. What is it with him and blondes? 

Well, there had been that brunette in Antarctica. Sheppard. 

Out loud, Rodney says, "Let's get back to um, leadership." 

He certainly is not going to talk about whatever happened between him and John on tape. The fact that the Major had just breezed right into his life and pushed past his defenses. Made Rodney give himself over entirely, despite the fact that Rodney knew it wasn't safe. And Rodney had given him everything; he had felt so much, even when it was painful. 

Even when it was over Rodney couldn't stop feeling, watching himself helplessly falling in love with the Major. The cold, heroic, flippant, and unreachable Major. It had been a disaster. 

There has to be more to him than this? Rodney thinks to himself, he can't really have spent his life with so little connection? Brightly he remembers his cat and begins to extol the virtue of the feline companionship. 

"Cats are self sufficient, they're dependable, you shake the box, they come running. The cynic would say it's because of the food, but my cat, see, I truly believe that he enjoys my company. There's something very comforting about coming home from work at the end of the day and having a familiar face waiting for you, you know?" 

Rodney stops his reverie for a moment realizing how pathetic he sounds. Most people would probably have an actual human face greeting them at home not just a cat. He reaches back for the index cards.

"I digress, where was I? Uh... right. Leadership."

******************

The wormhole closes and John moves to dial Atlantis before the Wraith can block them again. But Teyla refuses to leave without her friend. She grabs her gun tells John she is staying behind to search for him. 

"You can't do that." John orders.

She spins angrily back to face him, "I consider Orin as family, Major. I am sorry if you do not understand what that means-" 

John knows it sounds disingenuous but he has been here before and doesn't want to make the same mistake, "I understand it, Teyla, but that's not the point-" 

She is unmoved "With or without you, I am staying." She runs out of the Jumper to go help her friends.

He can't leave Teyla behind; John gives in and goes after her.

**********************

Rodney's rambling has digressed again. He is morose bemoaning all the things he will miss out on due to dying... he knows he sounds whiny, listing inconsequential items, rather than anything really matters. 

What really matters? 

"My sister..." He sits back up alert again, "Jeanne, it's your brother, Rodney. Obviously. I want to say, um... I want to say something, uh... Family is important. I'm come to realize that, because the people here have become a sort of a, kind of a, surrogate family to me. -Now, I know what you're thinking. I've never really been the poster child for that kind of sentiment, but when contemplating one's own demise, one tends to see things more clearly." 

Rodney realizes the immense honesty of what he had just said, how much he cares for everyone on Atlantis, especially John. He resolves to get over the emotional hang-ups he has, forgive John for not loving him, and salvage the friendship if he can. In whatever time they have left, that is. 

He continues magnanimously mostly to his sister, but a little bit to John, "I really do wish you the best, you know, and I'm sorry we weren't closer. Perhaps, um... If by chance I make it out of this, perhaps one day we can be, and I would like that." 

Rodney is overcome with emotion for a moment and he snaps himself out of it, "Now, if there's time I'd like to go back to that subject of leadership." 

But there isn't time. The recorder has stopped. Huh. He can't believe how fast that went by. Rodney sets off to give the tape to Ford, since he is in charge of compiling the personal messages. 

In the hall, Rodney spots Lieutenant Ford and tells him he has finished recording his message. Ford seems surprised since he has been the one doing the taping.

"Now, it may require some... editing." Rodney confesses.

"Editing?" Ford asks.

"Yeah, I went on a bit. Actually I used the entire tape." 

"You talked for an hour?" Ford sounds disbelieving.

"See," Rodney muses, "I found it rather therapeutic, actually... Now I'm fairly confidant I've come up with several valuable insights. In fact, I'm sure of it... but, uh, I've only slept 6 hours in the last few days, so, um..." Rodney waves his fingers next to his temple to indicate his possibly diminished capacity. 

"Who's it for?" Ford asks.

Rodney lifts his eyebrows considering the question, "Humanity in general, my sister... Look, I don't expect you to cut it down to just a few minutes. I mean there is gold in here." 

Ford nods and Rodney continues, "So just make sure mine's last, and that way if it gets cut off, fine... but, ah, if the gate holds the connection for a few extra milliseconds, then we won't have wasted the time." 

"Well, I'll look forward to it." Ford blinks at him.

*********************

When John returns with Teyla, he brings a small contingent of survivors from back with them to Atlantis. In the staff briefing, John tells them tersely, "We saved a few, that's worth something." 

On his way out of the room, Elizabeth stops him to ask if he would like to include a personal message to anyone on Earth. 

John is reminded that he has no one back on Earth that would miss him, "I'm good" he says, looking away uncomfortably. 

She tells him that she has already recorded personal messages for the family of the team members they have lost, but she thought John could say a few words about Sumner, his fallen commander. 

He blinks a few times, remembering how he shot Sumner in the chest to end his final moments of suffering at the hands of the Wraith. He supposes it's the least he can do. 

_____________

Unsure of who to address, John speaks to the camera, "I'm not sure if Colonel Sumner's parents are still alive. I'm not sure he even has a family back there." 

John explains, "Not all of us do..." 

He takes a breath, "But if he does have family, they should know that he died with honor and courage in the performance of his duty. He carried the burden of a leader, and he carried it well." 

Sumner was a far more capable leader than John has been. Trying to think of what else he can say about this man, John continues, "I didn't get the chance to know him well..." 

"But I know this." John speaks more confidently now, "Considering the type of man he was and what we're up against? Yeah, I wish he was still here." 

'Yeah. Instead of me.' Sumner was a better man than John. And John shouldn't even be here. Saying a stilted "Goodbye", he stands up because he can't talk to the camera anymore and he has to be alone. 

This fucking train wreck in his head is too loud right now and he has to be alone.

Taking a moment to compose himself in his quarters, John tries to quiet the noise. He has to do something about this twisted mess. He knows he doesn't deserve to be here, but he has to stay strong. He can't be thinking about all the dead or missing people from his life right now. 

Or Rodney. Fucking Rodney won't even talk to him. 

This is not how John wanted it to go down. He hadn't meant to hurt Rodney, not again. But there is nothing to do but pull himself together, no other choice. John has to stand alone and stand strong, the way he always has.

Unless... There is that therapist Heightmeyer... No. Out of the question. John will handle this on his own; he can't risk anything getting out. He can't seem weak. Besides, he has never been good at talking about stuff. 

John paces and breathes long enough to turn the volume down in his head. He is actually looking forward to the coming fight. That is when he's at his best, in the midst of action and chaos. There is no noise then. 

********************

Everyone busies themselves trying to find a way to fight the Wraith. There is little time, even to take even short naps. Rodney blinks at his computer screen. He is so tired. Maybe he will close his eyes and rest for 30 seconds or so to recharge. 

Rodney's mind drifts and he thinks about how therapeutic it felt to ramble to the camera. He wonders if that is what therapy is like. Maybe he should consider speaking to the expedition therapist Dr. Heightmeyer. If, for some weird reason they survive the Wraith attack. 

God knows, Rodney has a lot of issues to work out. He really is screwed up over this thing with John. And he has never told anyone about what happened with Alex. Too ashamed. For now he just has to drink more coffee get back to work. It is going to be another late night with little to no sleep. 

He opens his eyes and keeps typing. His hands move over the keys methodically as he looks over the Ancient schematics, searching for something, anything that might be useful to defend the city. He stops typing, feeling someone looking at him. He turns his head to the doorway. 

John. 

Rodney hasn't seen much of him lately at the lab. Even before they found out about the Hive ships, John had been coming by less and less often. He doesn't step inside, but just looks at Rodney from hall. He has dark under circles under his eyes. They probably all do right now, but John looks... worse. 

Standing uncertainly, Rodney joins him in the hall. He gives John a wary look. John says nothing but presses his lips together and looks down. Then John whispers, but it is nearly inaudible. 

"What?" Rodney doesn't want to risk walking any closer to him. 

John's eyes dart around the hallway anxiously. There is no one here but he walks forward, away from the view of anyone in the lab. Cautiously, Rodney follows. Then John edges closer to him, keeping about a foot of distance. He inhales and exhales slowly, closing his eyes, "Sorry." 

Are they really going to talk about this now? Rodney doesn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry." John gazes steadily at Rodney with wide eyes. He looks ragged, like he really means it. 

"Oh. Um. I'm sorry, too." Rodney blinks and looks down.

"No..." John's tone is sorrowful, "you don't... I'm the one who should... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

Lifting his gaze, Rodney sees John is still staring at him with those haunting and unreachable eyes. Rodney wonders if his own face looks as faltering as it feels. Probably. He has always hated how expressive his face is. 

Oh. Then Rodney realizes John is waiting for answer. "Um, it's okay?" 




Military Man Ch. 03: Momento Mori



Lifting his eyebrows uncertainly, John bites his lip and knits his brows together, "Uh, maybe we could hang out again, one of these days..." 

Rodney gives a small nod and John continues, "You know, maybe just watch a movie or something?" 

"Yeah." Rodney finds his voice. "Okay, a movie." 

John gives a weak smile and Rodney isn't sure what else to say. They look at each other awkwardly for a moment, then Rodney offers John an out, pointing his thumb back to lab, "I should probably..." 

"Yeah, I know, me too." John nods.

Rodney turns to go but then spins around, "Hey. I'll... See you later." 

"Yeah, later." John smiles more enthusiastically. 

____________

So, John wants the team to go check out the Alpha site for evacuation, but to get out of it, Rodney makes up a valid-sounding excuse about working on the control chair. It is a legitimate problem. 

Trying to determine if, uh, they can siphon off enough of the city's power to use the weapons array. It just so happens that right now Rodney is not actually working on the chair -not that it would have worked anyway. 

Rodney keeps an eye out on his way to Dr. Heightmeyer's office; he doesn't want anyone to know that he came here. Once inside Rodney feels even more ill at ease, maybe this was a bad idea. 

He has never liked the way Heightmeyer looked at him. She is attractive enough but he dislikes her way of seeming concerned and smug at the same time. If someone is going to smug, Rodney prefers they do it honestly. As long as she doesn't say anything than it should be okay. 

After some preliminary greetings, Rodney asks if he can lie on the Freudian style couch rather than sit across from her in a chair. 

Heightmeyer responds, "Well, I usually prefer, especially if I'm meeting with someone for the first time, for it to be face to face." She looks like she is used to people doing what she tells them to. 

Rodney lies down on the couch, "I just have a few things I'd like to get off my chest-" 

"Yes, Rodney what brings you here?" She rudely interrupts.

"Well, if you would just stop talking," Rodney is annoyed already, "I was about to tell you... Obviously I'm very stressed. I have a very important job here. Lots of people depending on me-" 

Heightmeyer interrupts again, "And how does that make you feel?" 

"If you would just shut up, I was about to tell you." Rodney's voice is sharp.

Her reply sounds condescending, "Well Rodney, it's my job to ask questions and-" 

He waves his hand, "Can you just try to keep it to a bare minimum please. I'm not looking for a lot of input. I just need to be able to talk. Something I can't do, if you are interrupting me every time I open my mouth." 

Offering a compromise, Heightmeyer suggests, "How about I let you get whatever you need to off of your chest, and then you let me talk to you and ask some questions". 

"Fine." Rodney sighs, "30 minutes is better than nothing." 

She is talking again, "I didn't say-" 

"Talking now." Rodney lifts a finger, "As I was saying, I have a lot of stress that I need to vent about. Work. Well, everything is work. The people I work with. The people who work for me. It's all very problematic, and, uh, I wish it was as easy as it is with my cat, but, uh... 

You know, my cat is the one person, well, I realize he's not really a person, but he actually likes me. Other people, not so much... 

And I know you could say that is my fault, for being so caustic, but I can tell you, they never liked me, either way. This way, at least I've got something to defend myself with. I just don't understand why it's so easy for some people, everybody likes them... 

My whole life I've been alone, toiling under great pressure, completely underappreciated. Am I bitter about it? Sure, a little. But, when else can I do? It's not like you can force people to like you. Can you? I mean, is there some magic solution?" 

Heightmeyer doesn't answer and Rodney leans up to look at her. 

She asks, "Did you want me answer that question?" 

Rodney leans his head back on the pillow, "Well, it was a question wasn't it?" 

"No," Heightmeyer sounds hesitant, "I don't think there is any magic solution, but sometimes talking through our feelings can help us discover-" 

"That would be a no, then." Rodney speaks over her, "It's fine, I'm a genius, if there was a solution, I would have come up with it by now. So, that means I'm just left with this terrible, alone... feeling. 

That doesn't do away. Only, now it's worse than ever, and I don't mean because we are all going to die soon, though that is a consideration. But no, just the empty, empty, nothing that pervades all existence... 

Well, not everyone one suffers from it, apparently, but some of us are smart enough to realize the futility of emotion." Rodney sighs, "Futile emotions yet trapped nonetheless by the soul crushing impact... 

I, I, don't even think it's a low self esteem thing, because it's actually true that no one has ever cared much for me. And, and, I seriously doubt they ever will. It's just a fact, one that I have to live with. Still, I suppose self-esteem is a consideration... 

Well, I don't have any, so that would be more like negative self-esteem. Which is surprising when you consider how brilliant I am. But emotionally, it's a real mess..." 

Rodney has accidentally given Heightmeyer too much of a gap. She asks, "What would you say, is bothering you most?" 

He isn't sure how much he wants to reveal to her, "I... I, don't know. That isn't enough? The meaninglessness and futility of existence? 

I mean, I suppose... There is one person in particular that I'm having problems with... Someone I have... feelings about... They don't have feelings for... They don't feel the same way about me."

"That sounds painful." Heightmeyer sounds saccharine.

"Yes, of course, it's painful!" Rodney makes a noise of frustration, "Why else would I have bothered to come here? Maybe this just was a mistake." 

Heightmeyer holds her tongue and Rodney continues," It's all... just so fucked up now. There's other stuff... Stuff that happened in the past that... it still effects me -And no. I don't want to talk about it. 

It's just hard to separate it all out. The way I feel about myself... It's, ugh. I just want to stop feeling anything, I don't... I don't know what I'm doing with this person. I can't stop myself from wanting more, but that's never going to happen." 

Rodney snaps his fingers a few times, "Okay. Yes, That is the reason I'm here. That, that, wanting more, and, and, and the way it feels. I don't know how to stop it..." Rodney sighs and is grateful Heightmeyer keeps silent. 

He begins again, "I, uh, I want to stay friends, because, in a way he-they, this person, is the closest friend I've ever had. That's pathetic I know, but I haven't had a lot of friends, so... There's that. 

But over the last year we've gotten pretty close... There was even a time when we were... more. I don't know exactly what it was... I guess, they were pretty aggressive about seeking me out. I was flattered, and I let them... sexually... Well, it felt sort of good but also bad. I felt empty, used afterwards. 

But then it stopped; I guess they were done with me. Which isn't that surprising, since that how it always ends. You know, when they're done with me. But, ah, this time, it was different. We still spent so much time together... It felt so... so close, you know? I let myself start to think..." 

Rodney puts a hand over his eyes, "I... fell in love... and, now I can't get out of it. I can't stop feeling this way. I feel like I screwed everything up, with the friendship, I mean. I, uh, kind of made a move... and it was, uh... painfully bad. The reception, I mean. Probably the move, too. 

But I've actually been angry about it... I don't understand exactly... I just feel toyed with, drawn in and then pushed away. Literally, pushed away. And I think if I had friend who... maybe felt more for me than I wanted... I just think I would have been nicer about the whole thing. I don't know, it would have been awkward either way, but I mean, the way he-" 

Realizing he has made a slip up, giving away the pronoun, Rodney decides to continue without addressing it, "It was bad. The whole thing has been bad. And then they waltz back and start acting like nothing ever happened. It's too confusing. I haven't had a lot of experience with friends, but it feels like... I don't know. The way they act with me is... confusing..." 

"That sounds confusing." Heightmeyer comments.

"Uh." Rodney refrains himself from an acerbic retort, "Yeah. Confusing... I doubt I'll live long to have to worry about it much longer, with the Wraith attack imminent, but... I've been keeping my distance... but I don't want to anymore. 

After he apologized, I just had to admit to myself how much I've missed him. It doesn't matter if it hurts, I just want him... in whatever limited way I can, I mean. But it just hurts... all the time. I want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop caring so much. I don't suppose you know some way to achieve that?" 

"No, I'm afraid it isn't that simple." She answers, "But as I was saying earlier, sometimes talking through the process can help alleviate the feelings, or help us move through them." 

Rodney gets distracted and irritated by the rest of the session. Heightmeyer can't seem to stop asking rhetorical questions and offering simplistic platitudes. He felt better when he was talking to himself alone in a room. After the hour is up Rodney does not make another appointment. 

On his way out he sees Teyla and quickly makes up an excuse he hopes sounds plausibly believable, "I was just, um..." Rodney lowers his voice to a whisper, "We're seeing each other." 

"You and Dr. Heightmeyer?" Teyla looks skeptical.

He steps out into the hall so as not to be overheard, "Well you know how much I love woman with great, um... minds. And uh, just don't say anything to..." He catches himself before he says 'John', instead saying "anyone" 

"Your secret is safe with me." Teyla says with a seriously bemused expression on her face. 

"Right. Very good. Excellent." Rodney hopes to God this lie doesn't get out. It would be even more of an embarrassment than admitting he needed help with his emotional problems. He bolts before anyone else sees him in this corridor. 

********************

John is in the large briefing room listening to Rodney explain his plan for reviving the dead Langrangia weapon satellite. The one that the two of them had almost visited on that 15 hour flight from Atlantis. 

The time that McKay had saved his life. And later, in the back of the Jumper, John had held him. Just for a few minutes, but it had seemed like an eternity... John can't ever remember feeling better than when he had Rodney in his arms.

Snapping back to the present, John is struck by how handsome Rodney is. God, he doesn't know when he's seen Rodney look so good. Even though John knows he has barely been sleeping, Rodney's skin seems to glow. 

Maybe it's all the caffeine? His arms look muscular and toned folded in front of his chest confidently. Even his blue shirt hugs his body in a flattering way. 

From his perch, John is drinking everything in. He is supposed to be listening to McKay right now, everyone else is. So why not keep looking? 

His light brown hair looks soft and his face boyish. The pitch of his cheekbones matches perfectly with his nose and jawline. The eyes are so blue and expressive. John stops on the lips. What if he had let McKay kiss him? What would it have felt like? It would have been good.

He imagines for a moment, closing his eyes. No, John tells himself, he has a lifetime full of regrets and now is not the time to think about them. Now is the time to fight to the death, like a good soldier. 

John isn't sure if it's sentiment or military concern that makes him offer to pilot Rodney's away mission. But Elizabeth tells John he is needed back on Atlantis and assigns another pilot to help Rodney restore the weapons satellite. 

On the way out of the briefing room Elizabeth speaks, "Well Rodney, I don't mean to put any undue pressure, but at this moment, that satellite is the only thing standing between the Wraith and Atlantis." 

Rodney's shoulders stoop a bit and John walks over to him, leaning in playfully as he passes by, "No undue pressure." 

*********************

Knowing this is John's way of trying to cheer him up, Rodney smiles a little bit despite himself. On the ride to the satellite, he has a lot of time to think. Too much time. Everything with John is just so... Ugh. And if the Wraith breach the city, it will be necessary to self-destruct Atlantis in order to save Earth. If he can't take out all of these ships by bringing the satellite back to life...

He hopes John is able to find a new planet for evacuation, an Alpha site. And he hopes that John and everyone else will be okay while he is gone. 

But mainly John... Oh, God. Rodney wishes they were back in time, when everything between the two of them was... almost perfect. Back in time before certain destruction from the Wraith was bearing down on them. Rodney has to make this work; he has to save the city.

Upon assessment, the damage to the satellite is severe and Rodney does the best he can to patch it. He spends hours in in heavy, claustrophobic spacesuit, repairing damage to the circuits on the external face of the structure so the Naquadah generator can restore basic power.

Atlantis is on a deadline. And Rodney can feel it; he does everything he can with the panels hoping it will be enough for power to get through to the weapon. They get the thing powered up in time before the Wraith vessels arrive, but they are only able to take out one of the Hives before it overloads.

After the long ride home, Elizabeth updates Rodney that the Wraith pace has remained slower than it was. But she feels that in the near future they are still out of options. Feeling he has failed, his heart sinks. It is time to evacuate to the Alpha site. 

John stands next to Elizabeth to arm the self-destruct codes. Rodney watches as the only place that has felt much like home is about to be obliterated. He looks at John as he enters the codes and wonders how he can do this. But it is done. The alarm is blaring and Rodney has never felt more defeated. 

Elizabeth orders Rodney to dial the Alpha site and he begins pressing the buttons numbly. Before he can complete the dialing sequence to the site, an incoming wormhole opens with Stargate Command's identification codes. They drop shields immediately and run down to the gate. 

*********************

John is stunned when military personnel began streaming into the room with supplies. A man named Colonel Everett introduces himself and politely relieves them of duty. 

"Sir, we were about to evacuate." John states.

"Without a fight." Everett challenges.

"Yes, sir." John frowns uncertainly.

Elizabeth jumps in "On my order." 

Everett is dismissive, "That evacuation order is rescinded. I assume you've armed the self-destruct device?" 

"Yes, Sir we have," John confirms, "but as Dr. Weir was trying to tell you-" 

Everett couldn't be less interested; "I am going to need you to disarm it immediately." 

"Hold on a second Colonel," Elizabeth tries to get through to him, "I don't think you fully grasp our situation here." 

"You have 3 Wraith Hive ships bearing down on your position and precious little to defend yourselves with." Everett impatiently rattles off the facts "That about sum it up?" 

Rodney's face lights up, "You got our message." 

"We got your message." Everett answers.

Elizabeth updates him, "It's down to 2 Hive ships. We managed to destroy one." 

With a hint of condescension Everett keeps talking, "Good for you. That makes my job a little bit easier." 

John is kicking himself for wishing there was another military commander on Atlantis, "What exactly is your job, Sir?" He asks. 

Everett's voice booms with confidence, "I should think that would be obvious to you by now, Major." He gestures his hand with authority pointing at Sheppard. "We are going to defend Atlantis at all costs." 

Taking charge of the situation, Everett makes little time to explain the plan to Elizabeth's team. But Rodney pieces together that they must have found a ZPM. Everett affirms that it will be arriving in their new spacecraft the Daedalus in 4 days, and that they only have to hold out that long. 

The Colonel calls for a tactical briefing. John doesn't like the way Everett is dismissive towards Elizabeth or the tone of his voice when John that he'd read his mission reports cover to cover. 

After following Everett's commands to recall the evacuations from the Alpha Site, John trains Everett's pilots with the Jumpers. The rest of the military personnel are setting up gun batteries

*******************

Rodney works with Zelenka to hook up the new Mark II power generators to the weapons chair. Everett expects John man it when the time comes. Still, Rodney is uncertain if he is going to be able to tie in the generators, powerful as they are, into the Ancient power system. 

His body is aching from lack of sleep. He is delirious but the adrenaline is keeping him afloat. And his mind wanders to the image of the chair in Antarctica, where he saw John for the first time.

Blinking heavily, Rodney realizes he needs more to keep him awake. After a quick bite and some stims from Carson, the 2 of them return together to test the chair. And now he is getting grouchy because Carson can't work the chair the way John can. No one is like John, but Carson isn't even trying and it's driving him crazy. 

"I'm serious. Major Sheppard's your man." Carson tells him.

"Of course he is." Rodney swallows, feeling sad. 

He wishes John was his man, but that one... is unreachable. 

Out loud Rodney chatters on in irritation, "But he's training pilots and deploying space mines right now, so we're stuck with you." 

After some more verbal chiding on Rodney's part, Carson finally sets his mind to it and brings the chair to life. Once Rodney can get some readings, he realizes that the drones have been nearly depleted, from thousands, to a few dozen. 

He runs up to the control room to inform Elizabeth and has barely delivered the bad news when the proximity alarms start to go off. The Wraith have a found a way to take out their space mines and overload their sensors. 

***********************

John is not pleased that they have just lost their primary line of defense now that their space mines are gone. He leaves with Everett to discuss the military situation, but their discussion falls to something more personal. 

"Major..." Everett begins, "I think I should tell you that Colonel Marshall Sumner was a very good friend of mine. We served together a lot of years and you know... I cannot for the life of me, figure out how it is that you could go as far as you did and not save him." 

A warm shame rises through John's body, he presses his lips together and lowers his eyes. 

Everett continues, "How you could get that close-" 

John speaks up, "By the time I reached Colonel Sumner-" 

"Worse," Everett takes command of the conversation again, "you admit to firing the shot that killed him." 

Raising his voice to be heard, John explains, "Because I believed that's what he wanted me to do." 

His face full of contempt, Everett steps closer to John, "You knew him that well, did you?" 

Answering more softly, John shakes his head, "You weren't there, Sir". 

"I wish for his sake, I was." Everett moves in inches from John's face.

He matches Everett's stare, trying to hide his shame and uncertainty, but he eventually he breaks, admitting, "There isn't a night that doesn't go by where that moment doesn't play in my head..." 




Military Man Pt. 01a



"Ava?" The door slammed only reinforcing the fear the voice calling her name struck into her heart. "Ava? Honey I'm home, aren't you going to come greet me?"

She was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He was at the front door, so he would still have to cross through the dining room, and the living room to get to their bedroom. She could run now if she left everything. She'd have to leave the bracelet her father gave her at her sweet sixteen, her favorite dress, everything. But if she could escape with just the clothes on her back, then she would survive. Anything was better than staying one more night with Julian.

"Ava, sweetheart I'm talking to you." His voice gained that warning edge that it took on when Ava strayed from his commands. He hated when she ignored him, which would make things even worse for her when he reached their room and found her packing to leave him. Looking to the 3-story window, Ava focused on the fire escape attached to the side of the building. She could do this. It was time to stop being afraid of him. 

"Ava." Julian commanded again while Ava was at the window sliding it open and sticking her heel clad foot out of it and onto the cold black metal of the fire escape. She quickly realized she had wasted too much time thinking about her escape as Julian burst in the room. His tie had been undone and hung loose from the collar of his white button down and his pants were unbuttoned, clearly expecting something different upon his arrival.

Ava's green eyes went wide like a deer caught in headlights as she pulled her other leg through the window and onto the fire escape. Julian's anger flared as he took in the scene in front of him. Was she trying to leave him? "Where are you going?!" He shouted startling her back into action. Ava ran to the edge of the metal platform to the hole with a ladder leading to the ground, wishing she'd had the common sense to own a pair of sneakers. Just walking on the grates was cutting her concentration in half, but she managed to get to the ladder just as Julian made his way through the window. "You can't leave me Ava! I'm all you have!"

Ava tried to climb down the ladder quickly, but her heels were proving difficult and she was forced to kick them off onto the concrete below. Just keep going, she told herself as Julian called out to her again. "You won't get very far, Ava! I'll always find you!" He shouted as he followed her down the cold metal. The bars of the ladder were still wet from the afternoon's rain causing Ava to lose her footing when she was getting close to the ground. She fell on her back hitting her head hard on the black tar of the parking lot. "Oww," she groaned reaching a hand up to the back of her head feeling the warm liquid leaking out.

Julian had more luck maneuvering the slippery ladder landing on his feet next to his injured fiancé. He looked down at her and began laughing. "Now look what you've done to yourself, honey. You hit your head." Seeing her eyes beginning to close, Julian reached down and yanked her up onto her feet and into his arms. He pressed the side of his face to hers, ignoring the blood trickling down from the wound on the back of her head. "Now who's going to pay for you to go to a hospital? Me? When you tried to run from me!" Julian snapped and pushed her back against the brick wall of their building. He gripped her wrists in his, pinning them to the wall on either side of her face.

"Julian, please, you're hurting me." Ava cried, more for the pain she knew was coming than what she was currently experiencing. 

"Maybe I should be hurting you. That seems to be the only way you understand!" Julian moved her hands above her head so that he could hold them both firmly in one hand. "Why do you make me do these things to you, Ava? Don't you know how much I love you? How much it hurts me to do this to you?" Julian ran his free hand down the hem of her red dress making her skin crawl underneath.

"If you love me then let me go. Please Julian, please," Ava begged with black tears streaming down her cheeks mixed with mascara. 

"Let you go? Let you go? How is that love? Love," he leaned in close to plant a kiss on her neck, "is never letting go."

"Please, Julian—"

"Shut up!" He shouted following up with a swift back hand to her face. "I'm sick of this childishness, Ava! You are going to be my wife in a month, and I won't tolerate anymore of your temper tantrums!" He ignored Ava's protests as he reached a hand up her dress and ripped her panties from her body.

"No, no! Please, no!" Ava tried to wriggle free, but he was simply too strong, pressing his body into hers to hold her still through her struggle while he unzipped his pants. 

"Oh stop it, Ava." He told her rolling his eyes. "You act like we haven't ever made love before."

"I'm not in love with you, you sick son-of-a—" Ava's voice lost the will to speak as he penetrated her. He felt like a knife stabbing her without being aroused, with her contracting as he thrust into her over and over. The tears were flowing clear now, all the mascara washed away by the salty liquid. She tried to focus on something else— anything else, but Julian's grunting and murmurs just wouldn't allow it. 

"I love you so much, Ava. I won't let you leave me. You know that don't you?" He asked continuing his unwelcome assault on her body. Ava was too busy dying on the inside to answer him. He was right. This was her life from now on. Morning beatings, and dinnertime rapes— Julian was never going to let her go, not alive anyway.

"I hate you," she told him, the glare in her eyes only confirming the truth behind her statement. But she took it a step further by hocking a wad of spit in his right eye. 

He growled with a vicious ferocity that made Ava believe he was going to kill her right there. "You ungrateful BRAT!" He lifted his hand to slap her again and Ava closed her eyes bracing herself for another blow, but it never came. 

"Let her go, and I will let you keep one of your nuts." Ava opened her eyes to see a tall black man standing behind Julian with his hand wrapped around Julian's wrist. She used Julian's shock as an opportunity to wriggle free and knee him in his nether regions. The large man took it from there, grabbing Julian by his shirt and swinging him into the side of the metal dumpster just next to the fire escape. Ava watched as the large man pinned Julian against the wall like he'd done her and punched him hard in his face. She heard the bones in his nose cracking and part of her smiled inside when she heard him scream. The man punched him again and again until Julian's face was covered in his own blood and his eyelids looked too heavy to keep up. 

Just when she thought he was done he turned and threw Julian on the ground and knelt down on one knee between his legs. The man reached behind his back and lifted the grey t-shirt that hung over the waist of his jeans, pulling a Swiss army knife from the spot it had been clipped on his belt. His flipped out the blade and pointed it directly at Julian's testicles.

"You think you can just take what you want because you have these?" Sweat beaded along Julian's hairline as he realized the man was serious about his threat. "You think it's okay to just violate someone because you have a fuckin' dick? Doesn't matter that she's screaming 'NO', DOES IT?" 

Julian began whimpering and begging for mercy as the man grabbed his pant leg and pulled his pants down exposing his underwear. He could see the corruption in the man's eyes as his own darted back and forth in search of his own rescuer. The muscled man turned the knife over in his palm so that the blade pointed straight down in his tight fist. He could feel the demons he fought everyday coming to life as he cut through the air down in the direction of Julian's genitals making Ava's fiancé scream like a small child. 

Ava wasn't sure whether to be horrified or ecstatic at what the man was doing. Everything was moving in slow motion as she watched the scene play out before her. She watched Julian squirm as the man spoke to him. Those brown eyes were hard and cold. She could see the frenzy burning through him reflected in those eyes confirming the seriousness of the words he'd said when he'd stopped Julian's assault. He was really going to cut off the man's genitals.

She gazed at the knife he had pulled from his pants and her conscience began to kick in. If she let the man proceed with his plans, Julian would most likely bleed out before an ambulance even made it halfway to him— if they even called one. The hatred she felt for him was unimaginable, especially in that very moment when she could still feel the pain from his penis ripping into her without any lubrication at all. She wanted him to suffer the way he had made he suffer over the past year, but she could not allow this man to be responsible for taking his life.

She took a step forward and placed a delicate hand on the dark skinned man's shoulder. The man looked over his shoulder at the poor girl realizing he was focusing on the wrong person. She needed medical attention, and he was wasting precious time with this sad excuse for a man. He flipped the blade back into its place and stood, taking a few steps forward to stand directly over Julian's head. "Count yourself lucky," he said before kicking him across the face and knocking him out cold.

He turned to the woman hoping he hadn't frightened her anymore than she must have already been. "It's ok, I won't hurt you." She didn't say anything, just stood there with her arms tightly wrapped around her small body. He nodded at her silence and went to dial 911. Ava's eyes went wide as she realized that he was calling the police. If the police came and found her there, it would be tomorrow's headline in the Times. He put the phone to his ear and without a second thought Ava took off down the alley and out to the parking lot. Without her heels on, running came easily to her as her bare feet pounded on the concrete.

"What the hell? Hey, wait!" The man was caught off guard by her reaction but he knew he needed to get the girl medical attention, and in order to do that he'd have to catch her. 

"911, what's your emergency?" The operator answered the call.

"There's a very badly beaten rapist in the alley behind the Parkville apartments." He told the woman quickly and hung up the phone. With one last glance at the pervert on the ground, the man let out a deep breath and took off into the parking lot after the girl. Her blonde hair made her easy to spot flying behind her like a flag waving in the wind. She was fast, but he was faster with the long legs that came from being 6 foot 5 and his rigorously trained military body.

He caught up to her quickly and went to reach out and grab her, but then thought better of it. She was obviously scared enough, and after everything she'd just experienced, he was fairly sure she would not take kindly to him grabbing her.

So instead, he ran alongside her. "So, where are we going?" He asked as he gazed at her while they ran side by side, her running away from her fears and he jogging as if it were just another midnight run. 

Ava turned seeing the black man easily keeping up with her and her steps began to slow. Confusion coated her features as she stared into those eyes that were so hard and cold only moments ago when he hovered over Julian, but now they were different. She came to a stop along with him breathing hard, but realizing there was no use in running anymore. They had cleared the parking lot and made it about two blocks down. "My name is Gavin," the muscled man held out a large hand to the blonde girl, finally able to see her in the lights that lined the sidewalk. She was beautiful. In those few moments of silence the two of them simply stood there taking each other in.

"Ava," she spoke her first words to the man finally allowing her eyes to see him. He was handsome, but not in the fantasy man, Edward Cullen way fairytales always made heroes out to be. He looked like he had been in his fair share of fights, especially with the long scar beginning behind his right ear then disappeared into the fitted gray tee. He had several smaller ones along his arms making her wonder just what kind of story his chocolate skin could tell her. She noticed how even though he dwarfed her— standing over 6 feet tall while she was a mere 5'5"— he had a gentleness to him that kept her from feeling the fear that was trying to grip her. 

It was like looking at two completely different people. This man standing before her seemed nothing like the frenzied man in the alley. She realized then that she hadn't just run to get away from the police, but because she was afraid of him as well. Now staring at him she saw the softness in his eyes, the crookedness of his smile. His imperfections made her feel at ease and less self-conscious about what he had walked in on.

Realizing she was not going to shake his hand, Gavin let it drop focusing on the more important issue. "I really think we should get that head looked at, Ava."

Her gorgeous blue-green eyes went wide yet again thinking of the headlines in the papers. If she went to the hospital they would most definitely call her father and then all hell would break loose. "I can't go to a hospital." Ava sputtered the words out so quickly they all smashed together.

Gavin's brow furrowed with confusion, but there was no way he was letting this woman out of his sight without knowing for sure her injuries had been treated. He scratched the smooth skin of his head searching his brain for an answer. The only doctor he knew was someone he was less than interested in seeing and he knew they would feel the same, but what choice did he have?

"Alright, I might know someone that will see you now, no hospital." Ava tipped her head incredulously as the man pulled out his cellphone and dialed a number he hadn't used in 2 years. Come on pick up, he thought as the phone rang for what seemed like an hour. Right as he was about to give up a sleepy man's voice answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Darren, it's me."

"Seriously, do you know what time it is?"

"I know and I'm sorry I woke you, but it's an emergency." Gavin was really hoping he wasn't going to have to beg, but if it would help this girl he would bandage up his wounded pride later.

"What do you want, Gavin?" the man on the other line asked obviously annoyed.

"I need you to see a patient, a young girl. She has a pretty bad hit on the head and needs—"

"Take her to the ER," he cut Gavin's sentence short.

"If I could I would alright?" He looked up and found the girl staring off into the distance now lost in her own thoughts. "Darren, you know I wouldn't be calling you if I had another choice. Please. This girl needs help." He heard the man on the other line sigh and he knew he'd convinced him. 

"Fine. Meet me at my office, ten minutes." With that the man hung up and Gavin silently thanked God that he'd even answered the phone. 

"Alright I happen to know a doctor that will see you right now, but my car is this way." He pointed back toward the parking lot from which she had just bolted. Ava turned and faced him, panic in her eyes at the mere thought of going back to that place. "Hey," Gavin stepped toward her and she felt the panic inside rising off the meters, but it seemed to dissipate from her body when he took her small hand in his big bear claw. "I won't let him hurt you again. I promise you that."

Looking into those chocolate brown orbs she knew he was telling her the truth. As long as she was with him, she was safe— protected. Ava didn't speak, but simply nodded her head allowing him to take her hand and guide her back the way they'd come in silence. The entire time Gavin was worried she felt uncomfortable around him. That maybe his presence alone would just cause her to relive the horrifying events of the night. 

When they approached the parking lot, Ava could see the police cars over close to the edge of the alley. "Come on, my car is over on the street." Gavin told her actually happy now that there had been no open spots in the lot that was also connected to the store he had been leaving earlier. He led her to a pristine black Nissan with shining rims. He pulled the keys from his pocket and unlocked the car, walking her over to the passenger's side. Ava was hesitant at first, but the headache that was beginning to kick in propelled her forward. If she couldn't trust the man that had just rescued her then all hope for the rest of mankind was gone. 

Gavin helped her into the leather seat and shut the door behind her. Within a few minutes they were on the way downtown to a part of the city that Ava hadn't been to in years. She stared out the tinted window as they drove down Main Street in her old neighborhood. Things had changed drastically since her father's new job had enabled them to move to the opposite side of the city. While it had never been the nicest area, Ava noticed the increased amount of abandoned buildings with boarded up windows. There were more people walking around the streets clearly having no place to go, some with stolen shopping carts full of garbage bags, some with only the clothes on their back.

"Don't worry, the area the office is in is a little better." Gavin tried to reassure her as they made the left off Main and the right onto Crescent. He tried not to cringe as they pulled up to the familiar building that he used to visit almost every week. The red brick looked much newer than the rest of the buildings in the area and the sign that hung over the door was colorful and inviting. 

Ryder Pediatrics, it read decorated with rainbows and bright pastel colors. Ava wondered exactly what kind of doctor this man knew seeing as she was clearly past the age of a pediatrician, but she didn't say anything as he stepped out of the car and ran around to help her out as well. Ava let him guide her into the brick building to a glass door that read the same as the sign in the front. 

"I know this is a pediatrician's office, but he was the only doctor I could think of that would see us at this time of night." Gavin tried to explain, but Ava stopped listening when she saw the man sitting in the office waiting room. There was no doubt that the man— who she figured was the doctor since he was the only one there— was related to Gavin. The resemblance was uncanny. He had the same strong jawline, chocolate brown eyes, and smooth cocoa brown skin. Unlike Gavin, this man had a thin stubble that ran the length of his cheeks and chin and a short black hair on his head that ran neatly into his facial hair. He wasn't in as good of shape as Gavin, but he was still lean and trim. He looked exhausted having been called in at nearly 2am, but his eyes hardened when he looked at her savior as if he was realizing he had gotten out of bed for no reason.

"What the hell is this, Gavin?" He snapped, irritation ringing loudly in his voice.

"I told you I had a young girl that needed medical attention—"

The man shot up from his seat gesturing at Ava. "Are you kidding me? She's got to be at least 20 years old! I'm a damn pediatrician! You woke me up for this?"

"Darren would you just listen for two seconds? You were the only one I could call! Do you really think I would have brought her to you otherwise?" Gavin took Ava's hand motioning for her to come forward into the light so that Darren could see her head injury.

"Seriously? She's got to have a concussion and that's without an examination. Why wouldn't you take her to the ER?" Darren took a step towards her now intrigued.

"I told you, I couldn't. Look I'll tell you anything you want to know after you treat her injuries. She really needs help, Darren," Gavin pleaded.

Darren let out a deep sigh. "Fine, come this way." The two followed behind him to the first patient room where Darren instructed her to sit on the bench as he washed his hands and gathered his equipment. Ava watched as he grabbed that scope thing doctors always shoved in your face and ears with the light on it. "Look ahead," Darren reached out to lift her chin, but she flinched away from his touch. He turned to Gavin wondering what exactly he had done.




Military Man Pt. 01a



"It's alright," Gavin told her holding her delicate hand in his large one. With his reassurance, Ava allowed the doctor to continue his examination without incident. He went through a series of questions, asking her name, what the day was, and other basic questions to check her memory. He had been clearly staggered when she told him her full name, but understanding seemed to cross his features shortly after. Her famous family name was all he needed to explain why she hadn't gone to a hospital.

By the end of the examination he was able to confirm her concussion, but luckily it was not as severe as it looked. She had been very lucky, according to Darren. He was able to clean the dried blood from the gash on the back of her head just under her hair and bandage her up. He directed her to get lots of rest and not to take on any strenuous activity both physically and mentally. He also prescribed her some painkillers and was very specific about the dosage telling her to never go over the dosage on the label. Before they took their leave, he had her schedule a follow up appointment with him so that he could be sure there were no further problems.

Darren started to ask for insurance information so they could determine her copay, but Gavin intervened handing Darren his black card. "Whatever it is, just charge it."

Ava waited until Darren left the room to speak. "You don't have to do that."

Gavin smiled a crooked smile at her and she noticed how perfect his teeth were. She found it surprising considering how marred the rest of him seemed. His smile was truly beautiful. "I know that, but you've been through enough tonight. I just want to make this easier for you."

For the first time in a long time, Ava cracked a grin of her own causing Gavin's to grow even more. He had never been attracted to white women, but this girl was just stunning. Now that he knew her full name he'd realized he had seen her many times before on television. She was one of those socialites you always saw in the limelight but never thought you would meet. 

Ava looked directly into his eyes searching for some sign of dishonesty, but she couldn't find anything. When she looked in his eyes she could see the good in him, but she could see the bad lying just below the surface. He had the hardened features of a man that had been through the type of trauma you never truly recover from. She felt like she knew him, and he knew her. "Thank you."

He looked at her with a heavy heart, not wanting to bring up the events of the night. Not when she was finally beginning to feel comfortable around him. But he couldn't ignore the severity of what had happened, or the immediate action that was required next. "I hate to bring this up to you, but..." his throat suddenly became dry and he started feeling nervous. "It's custom to have a rape kit done with this sort of situation. It'd be a big help if you were trying to press charges—"

"I'm not pressing charges," Ava said hurriedly cutting him off before he got too deep into his thoughts.

"Ava," Gavin took both her hands in his bending down directly in front of her so that he could meet her eyes under those long lashes. "You can't let him get away with this."

"It won't make a difference. I just want this to go away." Ava pulled her hands from his grasp and wrapped them around herself. 

He looked a little hurt, but he pressed on with the subject hoping to convince her. "This won't just go away, Ava. You'll be carrying what he did to you for the rest of your life. He needs to pay for it too."

"It won't work."

"It will if I testify. We can make this stick— send him to prison, if you're willing to—"

"I said I don't want to! Just drop it!" Ava shouted at him just wanting this horrible night to be over.

Gavin stood to his full height and took a step back. "Okay. I'm sorry." 

Just then Darren cleared his throat from the doorway. "Here's your card back." Gavin took the card and placed it back in his wallet. Ava jumped down from the examination table and headed out the door without a word. 

Gavin looked at Darren holding out a hand to him. "Thank you."

Darren brushed past him to the lights in the office by the door. "If you wouldn't mind, I have a bed and a wife I'd like to get back to."

Gavin found Ava down by his car waiting to get in. He unlocked the door and this time she got in all on her own. When he joined her, he wondered where he was supposed to take her now. Looking at her standoffish body language with her arms folded across her chest and her head down, Gavin wasn't entirely sure if he should even ask, but he didn't really have a choice. "Ava, I'll need you to tell me where to go from here." When she didn't respond, he fought his instinctive response to become frustrated, knowing she was probably having a much worse night than he was. "Okay, what if you just put your address in my phone?" He took out his iPhone 5 and handed it to her so she could type in her address. She took it from him quickly running her slender fingers over the touch screen to type in the address of a house she hadn't seen in the two years she had been living with Julian. Gavin took it back turning on the navigation. 

With everything that had gone on tonight, he shouldn't have been shocked when they arrived at the huge mansion on the Upper Westside of the city. They pulled up to the giant black gate with a white brick guard tower in the center of it. The guard inside looked puzzled as Gavin rolled down his window. "Can I help you?" He asked perplexed as to who this man was or what he was doing at the Senator's estate.

"I'm actually here to drop someone off." Gavin motioned next to him and Ava leaned forward.

"Hey Gerald," she waved, her face completely blank of emotions while the guard's face was filled with alarm.

"Miss Ava! It's great to see you! Let me just open the gate." Gerald's innocent face flushed bright red as he punched in the gate code and announced her arrival to the house up top.

It took longer than logically necessary to drive up the winding road to the huge white and brown house at the top of the hill. Gavin tried to contain his astonishment at the pristine mansion that Ava had directed him to. The house sat up high with a dark wooden deck in leading to the front door. Gavin noticed the fully furnished porch complete with nice white couches and a two-person swing. The house was at least 3 stories high and a basement and attic attached to that.

"Wow." Gavin whispered as they pulled around the fountain in the front circle. Ava sighed as she spotted her parents and younger brother all standing on the front steps waiting to meet her. 

"Ava! Ava!" Her mother shouted as she stepped out of the car. Gavin barely had time to open his door before the Senator's security was all over him. 

"Ava, what's happened?" Her father asked not waiting for an answer as he noticed the bandages wrapped around her head and the bruises wrapping her wrists. He turned his attention from his injured daughter to the mysterious black man that had brought her home. "Who the hell are you and what have you done to my daughter? Where is Julian?"

"Daddy stop! He helped me." Ava called to her father pleading with her eyes for him to call off the guards. 

The graying man was clearly taken back by her statement, but with a wave of his hand the guards backed away allowing the Senator to step forward. He extended a hand to the man, "Elias Declan."

Gavin took it thankful he didn't have to layout any of the guards. "I know who you are, sir. I'm Gavin Ryder."

"Sir. Military man?" Senator Declan asked recognizing the firm grip, upright posture, and steady eye contact of a fellow soldier. 

"Yes sir. US Marines."

"Well then, why don't you two come inside so we can sort all of this out."

"Eli! Her head!" Ava's mother screamed frantically spinning her daughter to assess the damage. 

"Everyone, please, inside."



Military Manoevers



To be read after Virginity Gone and Innocence Lost....

Like all the other Cadets, I spent interminable hours marching up and down, round and round the three main squares at The Royal Military Academy Sandhurst. 

Drill, we were told, was good for discipline and once, after the best part of two years, it had been mastered was, in reality, quite enjoyable. There is something very satisfying about the coordinated movement of hundreds of immaculately smart fit young men. The crisp crunch of gravel under perfectly shined boots, the flash of white webbing against deep blue uniforms and the crash of hundreds of rifles being struck, as one, are deeply imbedded memories.

It was a hot humid day and the film Young Winston was being made at Sandhurst. We were dressed in late 19th Century uniforms and had spent the best part of two hours standing in the baking sun while the lead actor Simon Ward was fussed over by makeup. His attempts at drill were pathetic. 

It was while we were practicing the scene for the Sovereign's Parade that I first saw Corrine Tower. She was dressed in a thin cotton dress that hardly seemed to fit her; the sun shone through her dress and revealed a profile that was enough to excite any young man. She was totally unaware of the effect she was having on us. She must have been the focus of attention for every cadet on parade Her cool innocence and beauty were in stark contrast to the infuriatingly rough, hot and scratchy uniforms that rubbed our necks. 

She watched us as we went through take after take. Finally, after 4 hours, when Mr Ward had managed to coordinate his efforts with ours and the take was in the can, we were invited, by Mr Huggins the Academy Sargent Major, to show Mr Ward our appreciation for the time he had kept us waiting. Ward was unceremoniously grabbed and dragged to the lake when he was propelled, spluttering with indignation, into the green mire that enveloped him completely. It was a pathetic victory but enormously satisfying. 

Corrine was the daughter of one of the civilian lecturer's at Sandhurst. Roy Tower taught me War Studies and seemed to have a soft spot for me. He invited me to tutorials at his house and over a period of time I got to know Corrine. She was tall, very busty and spoke with a stunningly sexy lisp. At 16 she was quite young, but her body was ripe and her body language appeared to offer a chance to share in her perfection. Her skirts were always just that bit too short and the way she moved was slightly awkward. Often I would see her knickers or a peep of a breast. I am sure it was not deliberate, she was far too innocent to deliberately tempt me that way.

At Sandhurst the June Ball is the social event of the year. Corrine wanted to go to the ball. However she had not been asked. Her father's reputation as a protective and rather harsh man had put off many a young Cadet. He asked me in January if I would consider taking Corrine to the Ball in June! Unwilling to limit my options but not wishing to upset my tutor I agreed with some hesitation.

I thought I had no choice and while I was happy to take Corrine to a Ball in June, I knew that my chance of fucking her was nil.

We went out together a few times in January and February. She lived in Frimley and we walked and talked on the common or in Camberley. We spent our time holding hands and going about the business of discovery. She was an only daughter and her father supervised her every move. I had to report to him before I took her out and especially when I brought her home.

We went to the cinema and out to the pub. We kissed and hugged but I was worried about taking matters further. I ached to fuck her. When I went to Wales on exercise she left me a note saying she would miss me and hoped I would miss her. She gave me a tiny white embroidered kerchief that she had a T and an F entwined on it.

We became good friends. I could tell her anything.

The College Valentines Day Dance was a hastily arranged affair. Corrine wanted to go and wanted me to take her. I asked Roy and finally, after a weeks delay, and although he said he was very reluctant at first, he agreed that so long as Corrine was home by 1 in the morning, she could go.

I was to collect her at 8pm, my "brand new" 6 year-old mini, was as clean as it had ever been. I went to their house and was met by Roy. He was clearly agitated and while I drank a very small gin with gallons of tonic he paced up and down taking large slugs from what smelled to be a very large gin with a hint of tonic. He was constantly muttering under his breath. 

Tina Tower came into the room and squeezed my arm as she greeted me. "Look after her Tim, she's all we have" she said as a quiet aside.

Corrine appeared, timidly, in the drawing room, looking stunning in a blue velvet dress, that was cut daringly low over her bust and split invitingly high up her right thigh. She looked at me with a pleading expression. "Tim – Daddy wants to talk with you" she lisped. It looked as if she had been crying for a week.

Roy asked me to join him for a word in his study. The invitation was one that expected only one reply. "Yes sir! immediately!"

In his study, which was warm leathery and smelt of cigars I realised that Roy was more worried about this situation that I was

"Corrine knows what I am going to say" he started. "I am trusting you Tim, but I am warning you .... if you lay one inappropriate hand on my daughter you will be out of this academy before you can say spit" 

With that he produced a condom from his pocket. "This was in Corrine's handbag. I trust you didn't give it to her?

I was in a difficult position. Firstly I knew it wasn't mine. Secondly Corrine was either coming prepared or had been tricked by a friend. If I said it was mine it would probably end the date. If I said nothing poor Corrine was going to be deep in the mire. I had a packet of three in my wallet anyway!

"Don't bother to answer" he said with a degree of resignation "I can see that you knew nothing about it" "Francesa says she bought it in case things happened with you Tim" he added. "You know she is infatuated with you?"

I spluttered a few feeble protestations but I could see that Roy was on a prepared script. 

"I trust you Tim and I know you know how wrong it would be to have any reason to use one of these. Look after my daughter. Be back by one". He came forward shook my hand and left the room.

There was something perfectly old-fashioned and honourable about the way he had behaved. He was like a fish out of water and yet he had swum strongly in centre stream. I knew where I stood and had huge respect for him.

Corrine rushed in and lisped "Its becauth I love you Tim, I'm tho thorry." Pleath take me to the danth"

Tina was at the door, tears in her eyes. "Go on you two" she said. "She means it Tim" she added as an aside. "Look after her"

We went to the car, I held the door for her. As Corrine got in she smiled and whispered in a sad and resigned way 

"Take me anywhere Tim, juth get me away from here"

I closed the door and looked up to see Roy and Tina looking from the window. I waved as I walked round to the driver's door. 

"See you at one I" mouthed and got in and drove away. Corrine squeezed my knee and looked at me. 

"They don't want me to grow up Tim and all I dream about ith being your woman" I was at a loss for words. My mind was all over the place. 

We drove into the Academy in silence and parked on Victory College Square. 

"I need the loo and to frethen up" Corrine lisped. "Where ith your room?" 

She took my hand and said "Leth do to the party later , I need to talk"

So we made our way along the long corridors and up two flights of stairs to my room. I showed her where the loo was and how to get to my room from there.

I rushed back and started to throw dirty combats and other bits and pieces into the draws under my bed. My room was a mess. I had not planned on visitors at all. My best boots and Number One dress were ready for the Parade the next day and I made sure these were out of the way. The rest was pushed into any storage space I could find.

Corrine knocked and came in. She reached up and pulled me to her, kissing me deeply. The kiss seemed to last for ages but eventually we parted and she sat on my bed. 

"Oh what a meth Tim. All my planth gone wrong."

"Look Fran Darling – I don't know your plans were or are but if I am to be part of them I think we should have discussed them"

"But Tim I know you want me. I have felt you when you press against me" "I want to be your lover". "I want you" She held her arms apart and looked imploringly at me "Do you want me"

Of course I did. But I also knew that Roy Tower was not a man to make idle threats. 

I watched as Fran undid her blouse and dropped her skirt. Her panties were hidden under her tights and her bra appeared to be overflowing. She stepped forward. "What do I do now"

She reached down and pulled a face veil that was hanging out of a not properly closed draw. She lay on the bed and pulled it over her. "Look no one can theee me now"

I knelt next to her and kissed her deeply. She arched her back imploring me to undo her bra. Her hips were pushing suggestively upwards and her kissing was more abandoned that any we had shared before. 

I reached down and slipped my hand under her tights feeling my way over her tight belly and under the elastic of her panties. Her soft pubes met my fingers but I moved down as her legs parted in an involuntary act of submission. Her heat on my hand was damp and as I curled my finger into her wet pussy I realised how small and tight she was.

I had always know that Corrine was a virgin and I had often fantasised about how I would take her cherry. But her tightness and her obvious innocence were a surprise to me.

I continued to gently play with her tiny clit. Making sure I was as gentle as I could be. Her hip thrusting was more and more urgent and her panting was like a series of little cries.

I moved onto the bed with her. Looking at her, covered in my face veil. Her breasts were flushed and pink as I pushed her right boob out of her bra and kissed it gently. She shuddered and cried out aloud. Not a cumming cry but a cry of someone who had never really exposed herself like this before.

I stopped and looked at her face. Her eyes were shut and her blonde hair was fanned out on the pillow. I held her face in both hands and kissed her gently on the nose, each eyelid and then on her mouth.

"Darling Fran - do you really want to do this"? I asked. 

"Pleath Tim – make love to me" `"I want all of you inside me"

I don't know what made me decide that I was going to stop short of fucking her. Was it the look on Roy and Tina's faces as I took Fran away? Or Roy's warning of dire consequence if I did fuck his daughter? Was it the tightness of Frans cunt and her angelic face on my pillow. Whatever it was I knew that I could not take her virginity. Yet.

I pulled the face veil away and took her up into my arms. I unfastened her bra and kissed each pert nipple in turn. Her breasts were much larger than I had ever imagined. As she stood I pulled her tights down and kissed the centre of her panties just below a tiny bow,

"Get into bed Fran" I said as I stripped to my pants. My cock was obvious to see as it strained against my cotton boxers. 

I checked the door was locked and pulled the curtains so the room dimmed. Fran had climbed into my narrow bed and was looking at me propped on one arm her beautiful full breasts resting on each other.

As she looked at me I dropped my boxers and stood in front of her. My cock was fully at attention. I walked towards the bed as Fran reached out to take me in her hand. 

"Oh ith tho big" "Ith much harder than I thought" she said running her hand down my hard shaft.

I climbed in next to her and kissed her deeply as her legs entwined with mine.

"My little Fran – there is nothing more that I would like than to make love to you now."

" I can see how perfect you are and you can see and feel the effect you have on me." 

Her hand was now on my cock. Not knowing what to do she squeezed me and ran her hand down to my balls.

"What you are offering me is a gift that you will never be able to give again". I whispered in her ear. " I want you to think before you make the decision to part with your innocence" 

"How will it ever get into me " she asked as my cock grew even larger in her hand. 

I pulled the sheet back so she could see me in all my glory. A drip of pre-cum glistened at the end of my cock, which was throbbing next to her panties.

"I want to wait Fran. We have lots of time and I want to be sure that you know what you are doing." "We can have lots of fun without going all the way." "I want to know every inch of your body and I want you to learn about mine" I pushed my hand back into her panties and ran my finger through her pubes.

Maggie would have been proud of me as I teased Fran. I pretended to move back to her cunt but stopped. I lowered my head and kissed all the way down to her belly button. There is that certain perfect smell that comes from a warm expectant body and I savoured every fragrant note that came from her. 

My tongue moved lower as her scent became more intense, I kissed her belly button and moved lower pulling her panties down to allow my tongue to play in her bush. She raised her hips and took her soaking knickers off so she was naked next to me.

It would have been so easy to roll her on to her back and having exhibited reasonable degree of patience to have slipped my cock into her. I was so tempted. I took her hand and made her grasp me firmly. I started to move so she could see my helmet pulling back and forth to reveal the head of my cock. Her legs were shaking and she raised her right knee so that her left hand could play with her cunt. 

"Tim I think we need the jonny" Corrie said. I kissed her quiet and increased the speed our hands were moving up and down my cock. I felt she knew what I wanted and let go of her hand allowing it to wank me on its own account while I concentrated on guiding her other hand, which was now frigging her cunt. I made her slip three finders inside herself and held her hand in place as I felt my balls start to explode.

My orgasm when it came was volcanic in the strength of its ejaculation. My wet spunk shot all over Fran's belly, pubes and even up to her tits. I came and came. Fran's action continued, she milked my cock as I tried to bring her off. She seemed to love the wetness of my cum and pulled me to her so that our bodies were locked tightly together my cum squashed between us. I kissed her and looked deeply into her eyes before moving down to kneel on the floor to eat her wet cunt. 

I was not gentle. I pulled her towards me so her knees were over my shoulders and her fanny was wide open and directly available to my tongue. I lashed at her clit and tried to tongue fuck her as Maggie had taught me. I used every moment of every lesson that Maggie had bequeathed me to give Fan pleasure. My hands slipped though the wetness on her belly and then pulled demandingly on her hips. Tying to pull her cunt onto my face.

I soon realised that Fran was not grinding onto me like Maggie had. Her movements had become mechanical and her noises were whimpers more that sighs of pleasure. She was still wet and her thighs were shaking, her hands were locked in my hair but apart from that she was not moving. Her muscles were rigid. Her belly jumped as if it was packed with writhing snakes as she came. She shrieked and then screamed and passed out.

I panicked. This had never happened before. Where was the gushing cum? Why isn't she groaning or at least moving? Everyone would have heard her screaming like that.

What was I going to do? What time was it? I pushed Fran's legs onto the bed and stood up. I grabbed and lit a cigarette and as I savoured the smoke and planned what to say to her parents, looked at Fran's lovely body spread on my bed. Her legs were slightly apart and her tits were rising and falling with here breath. Oh God I should have fucked her ... she was so perfect. She might have cost me my army career and I hadn't even fucked her! 

After ten minutes or so she stirred and stretched. Smiled and patted the bed next to her. "Sorry Tim I do that when I cum" she lisped" Its just that I have never been made to cum like that before". The idea that this girl was used to coming and passing out when she did was also quite a shock to my system. But what the hell – I was learning all the time!

She was not the slightest bit shy. The sweet rather innocent girl of my fantasies was happy to lie naked under my gaze. We cuddled and kissed and she inspected my cock surprised at how small it had gone and how easily she could make it rise again. 

Her full pert breasts and flat belly were invitations to fuck. She asked me why I hand not made love to her. "I do so want to Tim" "I want you to have my virginity and to be my lover"." I want to have babies with you and live with you". 

I am sorry to say that all this went in one ear and out of the other. I didn't want babies or to have a teenage bride. At the time I was more interested in getting her back home on time and unfucked .... for now!

We must have dressed and gone to the dance – there was quite a stir from my friends when they saw me coming out of my room with Roy's daughter. But the debriefs would be held much later once I had taken Corrine home and had a few more drinks.

I dutifully took Corrine back and sat with Tina and Roy while they quizzed us both about the dance, the music, the food, who was there who was drunk who might not make the parade tomorrow. Finally their questions answered I took my leave. Fran came with me to the door. She stood on tip toes and kissed me hard. Then she lisped into my ear "Next time my darling you will come inside me". She scrunched something into my hand and pushed me out of the door with a girlish giggle.

It was not until I was driving back to the Academy that I looked at what she had pressed into my hand and I had put on the passenger seat. Corrine's panties, wet and crumpled sat there. I have them to this day, over thirty years later. They are hand embroidered with a T and an C. At the time I just hadn't noticed, I was so intent on savouring her smell. Now I look at them occasionally and it reminds me of one of the highlights of my time in the army. 

Eventually, after winning back Tina and Roy's faith, Corrine and I were allowed much more freedom together. I think we actually fell in love. We spent all the time we could together. Listening to records, sharing stories and just being together. She hated it when I had to go away on exercise. We were very open with each other about how we felt.

I took Corrine to the June Ball. It was one of the most magical evenings of my life. I had to wear full Number One dress. We danced, went on the dogems, we 

We finally made love at her parents house, in the summer holidays, when they were away on holiday. We made love in her parents bed; in their sitting room; in Roy's study with Corrine traipsed over his favourite leather chair; in their garden and with Corrine sitting on the edge of the kitchen table. We fucked, sucked and explored each other's bodies and gave each other great pleasure.

Corrine had put herself on the pill so we fucked with great abandon. Inevitably a consequence of that intense period of sex was cystitis for poor little Corrine. But even spreading yoghurt on her fanny and a period of abstinence from penetration was fun. We were young people with young minds, fit bodies and huge amounts of energy and respect for each other.

When I was commissioned I was sent straight to Germany and despite our expressions of love and the promises we made to each other we never met again. 




Military Man's Fantasy



I am feeling brave, brazen, a tad bit sassy tonight as I walk in to the dimly lit bar, my eyes focus and there you stand off by yourself in the corner. Tall handsome and sexy as hell in that uniform. I have no idea what possessed me to approach you. As I am walking toward you you turn to find a song on the jukebox placing your beer on top. I slide my self in between the chair and you. My hands grabbing that perfectly shaped ass rubbing it. You turn stunned having not heard me approach you. 

Quickly you turn around, before you can say a word I wrap my fingers around the back of your neck drawing your mouth to mine giving you a kiss so deep and passionate our souls meet. I pull back and brazenly slide my hand down your body to your crotch. Squeezing you through your pants. I hear your sharp intake of breath. I place my mouth on yours and kiss you again. I can hear the murmur of your buddies in the back ground the noise of the bar. I pull away and one last time I reach down squeezing you loving the feel of it in my hand. I turn and walk out the door with out a glance back.

Your mouth gapes open as I leave. You look down and your now erect penis and see a yellow sticky note attached. You pull it off read it and head out the door after me. You look down the street several times before you see me standing a half a block down waiting. You sprint to me and just as you are about to say something I lay my finger on your mouth, shake my head, ands take your hand. You let me lead you like a puppy on a leash.

I take you to my apartment. As you stand in side the living room I kiss you deeply again. My hands roaming over your body. I unbutton your shirt and push it to the floor. I lick and kiss all over your chest. My hand is being drawn back to your crotch. I squeeze you through your pants again. I unbutton them and kiss my way down your body to just where your pubic hair starts. I pull you out of your pants needing to see you kissing the tip then standing up. I place my hands on your hips and slowly pull your pants off. There you stand before my gloriously naked. Taking your hand once again I lead you to the bedroom.

Laying you down on the bed I kiss you deeply. I stand before you and disrobe only leaving my garter, my stockings and my heels on. I go to the end of the bed and start slowly kissing my way up your leg, my breast brushing your skin as I kiss you. I kiss the underside of your cock and move my way back down the other leg. You moan in deep pleasure.

Taking you in to my mouth slowly inch by inch. Sucking on your cock slowly taking all of you in my mouth then slowly pulling almost all of it out. My hand wanders to your balls caressing them. I pull you out of my mouth and slowly stand and straddle you. Sinking down on you slowly taking you inside me inch by inch. Your hands, grabbing my breasts to steady me. Slowly I ride you inch by inch. Increasing the speed slowly. 

I stop... The look in your eyes begging me not to. I get up and position myself over your waiting mouth.

I lower myself down on to your waiting mouth. Hungrily you start to devour me. I take your cock in my mouth again sucking and licking. Massaging your balls as you are eating me. My hand inches towards your ass. My finger rubbing your ass hole. I can feel you tense up as I do this. I reassure you with out words that you will be fine.

I continue to suck on your beautiful cock and I slowly push the tip of my finger inside of you. An animal groan escapes you. I push my self in toy our mouth more. Pushing just the tip in and out letting you get used to the feel. Then I push a little more in, your hips buck. In and out I move my finger slowly massaging you as I push my finer in deeper. 

The only sounds in the room are your animal groans of pleasure.

I can feel you getting ready to cum. With that I increase my speed both with my mouth and with my finger. I can feel your hot cum traveling up your hard cock. My finger increases the speed. Your are about ready to explode in my mouth. 

I can feel the warm salty cum in my mouth I drink it hungrily. Feeling the heat of it slide down my throat in to my belly. MMMM the satisfaction... Just as you finish my body tenses and I cum in your mouth.

I roll off of you. We both lay there panting and exhausted...