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Know Thyself Ch. 01

By: Bethesda



This is the first part in a series I'm planning to write. Please send me feedback as it will help me shape the story and know if anyone is interested. Positive encouragement is always welcome.



Know Thyself Ch. 01



Wow, I think to myself. I'm beautiful. Shoulder length blonde hair, black bra and panties, gorgeous legs. This is the type of girl Ben would've dreamed about going home with. Well here I am! I have gone home but not with her but rather as her.

 I go to the closet and pick out my attire for the day. There are some clothes in here I will have to work up my courage to wear. Dresses and skirts don't quite appeal to me yet, so I return to the dresser and look for a pair of shorts. I find a pair and put them on, once again looking in the mirror. Wow they are short! They come down just past my butt, so at least that is covered. In another drawer I find a white t-shirt with the word OBEY on it. I never understood those shirts. I've seen them before but I could never tell who or what I was supposed to obey. I slip the shirt on and realize it's very tight. Ben would never wear something like this but that's mainly because of the mild gut he had. Ashley is quite a different story. The shirt accents the curves of my body and the size of my breasts. I go back to the closet and find a pair of sandals. It's either that or heels and I'm not quite ready for that either. This girl has to have a pair of sneakers around somewhere. I'll look for them later. I take one last look in the mirror and realize this is as ready as I'll ever be. I need to get out of here.





Know Thyself Ch. 02



The following is a re-write to the original chapter two. I received some very good constructive criticism of the original chapter and realized a few things about the story. I've come to find there is a much longer story arch for this character than I originally thought when I started writing chapter one. The original version of chapter two rushed into conflicts and character points that need a longer time to develop. Due to that I've gone back and revised this chapter.

As I said in the first chapter, (though I have been writing for a long time) this is my first attempt at this genre. I originally thought there should be some type of explicit material in each chapter as to give the reader what they're looking for. I've come to find from reader feedback that that's not necessarily the case. There's a lot of conflicting views on the subject. I've decided I'm not going to force the explicit material into each chapter. There might be some and there might not be. I hope you enjoy the story enough to continue reading in the chapters that won't have any and that you enjoy the moments in the chapters that do.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this revised chapter two. Thank you for reading!

***************************

I wake up the next morning feeling just as hazy as the night before. What a dream! It felt so real. As my eyes open to the ceiling I can tell something is off immediately. My vision isn't blurry. I reach over to my end table and sure enough, no glasses. I close my eyes, wondering if this dream could still be happening. There is no way a dream can last for two days. I open my eyes and look at the wall across the foot of my bed.

Taylor Swift is staring back at me.

It's not a dream. I hesitantly bring my hand to my chest, wondering what to expect, though I know what the outcome is going to be. I can feel them there even without touching them. Sure enough, my hand lands on a firm round breast. I look down and see the same white spaghetti strapped top I had been wearing when I went to sleep.

It wasn't a dream. I am still Ashley.

I sit up in bed and look around. Yesterday I didn't really take a good look at the room as I spent most of the day hyperventilating. It's a basic teenager's room. A few posters along the walls, a desk scattered with junk, a dresser scattered with more junk, clothes all over the floor. If I woke up again as Ashley, did that mean I was going to be her permanently? And if I am in her body, why don't I have any of her memories? Did I take someone else over? Where is the real Ashley? These thoughts start to hurt my head so I quickly push them away.

At least this morning no one is calling me to breakfast. My birthday (Ben's birthday) was on a Saturday, which means my first day as Ashley (yesterday) must've been a Sunday. So today is probably Monday, meaning no middle-aged people/parents to deal with. I get out of bed and quietly open the door, peeking my head out.

Silence.

Maybe I'm alone. I walk down the hallway and peek around the corner to the living room. No one is there.

"Hello?" I call out knowing no one is going to answer. Sure enough, no one does. Again, I realize I didn't get a chance to take a good look at the place yesterday in my state of panic. It's a living room and dining room with a conjoined kitchen. There's a corner couch with a TV on the wall across. On the left of the couch is a table with chairs where we ate breakfast yesterday. To the left of that is a counter that opens up into a kitchen. The kitchen is what can be seen in the hallway, the living room hidden from view until you're already in the room.

On the wall with the TV are some shelves with picture frames. I give them a look. Who knows, maybe this will give me some much-needed information. I can see what looks like pictures of the middle-aged...I mean my parents when they were younger. More pictures show the boy from yesterday and me. Now I know he is older judging from the pictures. However, nothing gives me any information that is useful. They seem like a typical family with a typical daughter.

Except I'm not a typical daughter. I'm a thirty year old man trapped in the body of an eighteen year old girl. It was the wish I made at the Bethesda Fountain that got me here. Today I'll make a visit and see what I can find. What else can I do? I can't tell anyone what's happening; they'll think I'm crazy. I can't change back as far as I know. I don't even know how I changed in the first place. I know I'm starting college in three weeks and I have a crush on a boy named Brian (or at least that's what my friends tell me). I remember the events of last night and shake my head. Masturbating as Ashley wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. Thoughts of girls seemed to do nothing for me but the moment Brian popped in my head the floodgates opened. I think I'm going to refrain from touching myself for a while. At least until I figure this out.

A voice in the back of my mind says, It did feel good though, didn't it? Well yes, it did. It really did, but that doesn't make it any less weird. It must be something with my new body, female hormones running through me and whatnot. I wonder if the real Ashley is trapped in my body somewhere. It must be, right? There's no way Ben Telaney no longer exists. Yesterday I found that I (Ben) didn't have a Facebook profile, but that could be because of anything. Maybe in this alternate reality Ben Telaney never created a profile. Maybe I (I mean he) made it private. Maybe a million things. My parents were listed as single though. That is weird.

I did wish to be a new person and here I am. I guess I should be happy. A part of me is and a part of me isn't. The thing that's freaking me out the most is that I have no idea who I am. What are my dreams? What do I like, what do I dislike? Jeez, even the question "what am I supposed to do today" freaks me out. I have no idea.

Ah, my phone! I can check my phone. I go back to my room and grab it off the side table. I pull up the calendar and find today empty. Either I have nothing to do or Ashley wasn't diligent on filling in her appointments. I mean, how much can an eighteen-year-old girl really need to do? She doesn't have a job (thank you Facebook for that information), school is in summer break, I'm free to do anything I want.

So what do I want to do?

Isn't that the million-dollar question? I decide to take a shower. I actually forgot to take one yesterday. In my confusion I just left for the day and didn't even think. Come to think of it, I didn't even go to the bathroom yesterday. I know this because suddenly I have to pee like I've never had to pee before. I go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and start to pee. The relief is instantaneous. Suddenly I realize that I'm peeing sitting down, I didn't even think to stand up. You'd think someone who spent thirty years of their life as a man would first stand in front of the toilet and then realize he (or she) would have to sit down. It's almost as if I already have female instincts. But then again, who really thinks about how they're going to pee? You just do it. Again, thinking too much about this is starting to hurt my head.

When I'm done I stand up and start to strip down so I can take a shower. I start to feel some pee run down my leg. So there's something that's not so instinctual. As a man, I know to shake it out when I'm done. Since there's noting to shake I just didn't think of it. Now I know next time to use some toilet paper to wipe the last couple of drops.

When I'm fully naked I step into the shower and turn the water on. I notice how smooth my whole body is. No hair anywhere. It's a weird feeling. The water warms up and it starts to hit my chest, almost like a warm massage. Wow, this feels good. I found out yesterday that my nipples are much more sensitive than they ever used to be when I was a man and I'm starting to find out that also applies in the shower. I just stand there letting the water hit me for a minute or two. I realize the real problem is my hair. It takes so much longer to shampoo now. As Ben, I had short hair. It took a couple seconds to wash. As Ashley, it's quite an ordeal. It's going to take forever for all this to dry! When I get out of the shower I dry myself down and wrap the towel around my waist. I'm about to brush my teeth when I realize I don't know which toothbrush is mine. I grab the first one I see and use that. Who cares, we're all family right? When I'm done I dry my face off and walk into the hallway.

Right as I step out, one of the bedroom doors open and the boy is standing there. He's just looking at me. It seems like something is wrong but I don't understand what.

"Morning," I say with a nervous half smile.

"You're...um..." Me mumbles, pointing at my chest.

I realize I wrapped the towel around me as if I were a man, only around my waist. My breasts are wide open for anyone to see, including the boy (my brother).

I quickly wrap my arms around my breasts. "Sorry!"

"It's okay," he says, still keeping his eyes pointed away. "Just don't walk around naked. It's weird."

"I didn't know anyone was here."

"You know I don't work on Mondays."

"I...I forgot it was Monday." I quickly turn around and run into my room, closing the door behind me.

I think it's time I found out what my brother's name is. I grab my phone and open up Facebook. His name is Jack. Ugh, Jack! Just the sound of it makes me queasy. It's Jack Daniels that got me into this mess to begin with. Well no, not Jack, the wish. It's the wish that got me into this mess. The silver half-dollar coin. I wonder if it's still there, in the fountain. I decide that's my first destination. I open the dresser drawer and pull on another pair of black panties (non-thong) and another black bra. It's August in New York so I can only assume it's going to be disgustingly hot and humid outside. Definitely not going to wear pants. I decide to go with jean shorts again. They're very short, which will be nice on what I can already tell is a muggy day. I go to the closet and pull out a short-sleeved purple blouse. The fabric is very thin so it feels like it won't be that hot.

I look in the mirror and remember the words of my friends last night. Makeup. I should put some on but I have no idea how. I can see all the paraphernalia on the dresser beneath the mirror. I open my phone and pull up YouTube. There must be videos on there that show you what to do. And of course there are millions of them! I never realized how much actually went into all this. After about twenty minutes I'm ready to go. It probably won't take this long next time. There wasn't a damn video shorter than ten minutes! I slip on some sandals and look in the mirror.

I look good! Maybe I can get used to this. As Ben, I never looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. For the first time in my life I actually feel attractive! Well, don't get too carried away Ben. When this fiasco is over it's back to your normal unappealing self.

Even more reason to enjoy this now. I smile and make a kiss face at the mirror.

***************************

I get to the Bethesda Fountain and already it feels like a million years since I was last here. There are mostly people with kids and strollers. Babysitters all taking care of those wealthy Upper East Side kids. A much different crowd from my new neighborhood in Inwood. I gaze up at the angel and get a sense that she's staring at me. Though to be fair, I felt like that the whole ride over. I got quite a few looks on the subway and I didn't mind it one bit. My legs are quite a sight if I do say so myself (and I do!) and many a man couldn't help but stare at me. But the angel's gaze is just in my head.

I search for the spot I was standing on my birthday two days ago. Of course the fountain bed is littered with coins. No matter what universe you're in there will be pennies thrown in this fountain. I lean over the side trying to look at every coin as not to miss it. Sure enough, there it is! A silver half-dollar coin. It must be the one I put in there. How many people actually fling a half-dollar into this fountain? It's got to be mine. Can you take a wish back? If I take the coin, will I wake up as Ben in the morning? If it's possible to work one way it's got to be possible to work the other.

Do I want to wake up as Ben? The thought seems to poke its head up involuntarily. As if someone else is asking it. Do I really want to go back to being Ben? I'm eighteen, I can do anything I want. Granted Ben is only thirty, it's not like he's stuck in life. But right now I'm eighteen. I have no student loan debt, no bills, no credit cards. I realize I don't actually know that for sure, but I (meaning Ashley) only turned eighteen in March. It's now August. Even if she opened a credit card on her birthday, how much debit can she really be in? No, I bet she doesn't even have a card yet. (Note to self: check her wallet for credit cards) I have no debt and no bills and no obligations. It's a clean slate.

So it begs the question, do I really want to be Ben?

Then the image of my parents comes to mind. If I stay as Ashley, I'll never see them again. I'll miss my mom (my real one). If I stay like this, I'll be giving them up. Even if I visit them they won't recognize me. And what can I tell them? "Yes I may look like this teenage girl, but I'm really your adult son named Ben." I look down at the coin.

Without thinking I lean over the edge of the fountain and plunge my hand into the water, reaching for the coin. It's deeper than I originally thought and I lean a little further over the edge, my feet lifting off the ground. The water feels good on my arm, a bit of a refreshment from the humidity of the day. I reach a little further in, making sure not to fall into the fountain. I finally get my index and middle finger on the edges of the coin and fish it out. Back on my feet, I hold the coin up, water dripping down my arm. It doesn't look like there's anything special about it. Just looks like a regular old coin.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" I hear a man's voice behind me. I feel my stomach sink as I immediately assume I'm in trouble.

I spin around as I say, "what?!"

There's a man standing there with a half smile on his face. He looks like the quintessential suburban dad. Light yellow polo shirt, kaki shorts, low cut socks and a pair of white sneakers.

"The coin, it's beautiful isn't it," the man says to me.

"Uh...yeah, I guess."

I can tell he looks surprised but for what reason I don't know. "You're not a collector?"

"A collector of what?" I can't help but hide my confusion. Why is this man talking to me?

"Coins. Why else would someone dive into a public fountain to get a silver half-dollar?"

"I didn't dive in."

He chuckles. "No I know, but you know what I mean. I figured you were a coin collector. Those are hard to find."

"No, I don't collect them. I'm the one who put this in there."

"Oh I see. Taking a refund on your wish?"

He does seem nice, though a little old. Not old but compared to me a little too old. I would guess late thirties, early forties. Although that's not that much older than Ben.

"Yeah, I guess you can say that." As I say it I give him a little smile.

"Well I always believe in making my own luck. Don't like to leave things to chance."

I nod, not really knowing what else to say.

He holds his hand out. "I'm Charles."

I shake his hand. "Be-Ashley."

"Nice to meet you Be-Ashley," he says with a laugh.

There's an awkward silence as we both sit there for a moment. What does he want? Does he want my coin? Maybe he's a collector. Maybe he's a collector of magical body switching coins? I doubt that. I probably have the only collection of those in the world. A collection of one.

"Would you like to have lunch with me?" He smiles at me and I realize he has a very enticing smile. Almost hypnotizing in a way. I don't know what it is but I can't seem to turn away from him.

"Uh...sure. I guess."

"Are you hungry?"

I realize at this point I am pretty hungry. I didn't have breakfast. I nod in agreement.

"Anything in particular you'd like?"

I shake my head, still trying to figure him out.

"How about sushi?"

"I love sushi." I don't know about Ashley but Ben certainly does. I guess Ashley does now too.

"I know a place not too far from here. Want to go?"

I'm not one to pass up a free lunch. As it stands, I don't have any cash on me and I don't want to use the debit card she has in her wallet since I don't know how much money she actually has. Another thing I'll have to look into soon.

"Sure! I'd love to."

And with that, I put the coin in my pocket as the two of us start walking. He rattles on the whole way about what he does. Apparently he's a day trader, hence why he can hang out in the park in the middle of the day. He doesn't ask any questions about me. I guess he doesn't really care. I start to wonder why I'm actually doing this. It is nice to get attention. As Ben, no one ever asked me out to lunch before. I mean, he's not asking me out. This isn't a date or anything. It's just lunch. The man is too old anyway. I wonder why he's doing this. Maybe he's just lonely and needs someone to talk to? It's kind of creepy but at the same time I can sympathize. As Ben there were so many times I would see an attractive girl on the street and want to ask her out. I never had the courage to do it. This is just lunch and then I'm going home.

We get to the restaurant and the hostess seats us. It looks expensive, a little too fancy for midday. Definitely the kind of place I would never go to. Suddenly I wonder if I have any history with this man. I can tell we don't know each other based on the conversation we had, but maybe we've seen each other before? After reminiscing about the times Ben wanted to say something to a girl on the street, I wonder if maybe Ashley would go to the fountain in the past and see this guy there. Maybe they've been smiling at each other for a long time and this is finally the first time he worked up the nerve to ask her out. I doubt it though, considering the age difference here. But who knows, maybe the old Ashley would smile back thinking nothing of it and this guy thought it was flirting. Again, I'm over thinking things. That's the weirdest part about this whole "turning into Ashley" situation. I don't know whom she knows or what's going on in her life. I suddenly realize he's not saying anything, so I look up and find him staring at me, eyebrows raised.

"What," I say to him in a kind of squeak.

"You want anything to drink?" He has a way of looking at me as if he's sizing me up. For what I don't know.

"No thanks. I'm not allowed.

He nods, though he continues to look at me. "Recovering alcoholic," he asks jokingly.

"What do you think," I challenge him.

He pretends to think about it, rubbing his chin as if he's deep in thought. "I'd say you're too young."

"Ding, ding, ding." I say it with a smile but it's definitely not flirting. I am not flirting. I'm just joking around.

"So how young are you?"

"How young are you?" Definitely not flirting.

He chuckles. "I asked you first."

"Eighteen." I look at him closely to see if I can read his reaction.

He stares down at the table, trying to come to a decision. On what I don't know. I decide to break the silence. "How old are you?"

"Don't you mean 'how young'?"

I look at him, eyebrows raised waiting for an answer.

"Thirty-nine," he says. Now he's looking at me, trying to read my reaction.

"Our age difference is old enough to drink." I don't know why, but making him uncomfortable is giving me a lot of enjoyment.

"Then I'll order our age difference a saki." He looks right back at me. It seems he's not uncomfortable at all. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad one. Probably bad. I probably shouldn't take this too far. It's not like I want anything out of him.




Know Thyself Ch. 02



The waitress comes over and asks what we want. Without asking he orders for me. Interesting. Is this how it always goes for girls on dates? Then again, this isn't a date.

When the waitress is gone I look back at him. "Do you normally order for people?"

He looks at me with that half-smile again. "I know what's good here. I figured I could broaden your pallet." There's another moment of silence but he's quick to fill it. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

A boyfriend? I'm not into men, I'm straight. Then again, I guess that means something different in my current state.

"No, I'm single," I smile at him, eyebrows raised. "What about you?"

He shrugs. "It's complicated."

"It's never complicated when you're single, which means you aren't."

He looks at me in a different way. I'm not sure how but I can tell it's different. "Has anyone ever told you you seem mature for your age?"

"More than you know."

Another silence. This time I'm the one to fill it. "So, girlfriend? Wife?" I pause, a sly smile crosses my face. "Husband?"

He snickers at that. "No, no husband."

"What about the other two?"

He looks down at the table for what seems like forever and then looks back up. "You're very beautiful, you know that?"

His words startle me, taking me aback slightly. No one's ever said something like that to me before. Even the women I dated as Ben never said anything like that. I feel warm inside and I can't help the smile that breaks through the witty wall I've put up.

Charles smiles back, knowing he just broke through a little bit.

The waitress brings out our food. The moment is broken and he start to dig in. I have about six pieces of sushi and I start to get full. It's a weird feeling. As Ben I could down two plates of these things. I'll have to get used to having a smaller stomach and a faster metabolism. I lean back in my chair and stare at the food.

"Throwing in the towel," he asks me.

"Yeah. I think I've reached my limit."

"Me too." He calls for the check. We exchange some small talk as he pays and then we make our way outside.

We both stand on the street. I don't know about him but I have no idea what to do next.

"So, want to have a drink back at my place?" He asks the question as if he thinks I'm definitely going to say yes. I'm not.

"No thanks. I should be getting home."

"Are you sure?"

That's such a weird thing to ask. If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have said it. "Yeah. Thank you for lunch."

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Oh come on. What do you have to do today? You're a great person to talk to. It's just one drink."

I tense up at the feeling of his hand on me. I realize this is the first time we've made physical contact since the handshake back at the fountain. "No thanks, I really shouldn't."

"Why not?" He's really persistent.

I look back at him, a serious look on my face. "It's complicated."

At that, he releases my shoulder and puts slightly more room between us. He nods his head, finally taking in my rejection. "It's not what you think. I'd love to explain it to you further. Can I give you my number?"

Oh God, why? You're twenty-one years older than me, what do you think is going to happen?

He is cute though.

The thought seems to come from the back of my mind. Why did I think that? There is something to him and I notice when I'm looking at him I don't want to take my eyes away. But nothing can come of this. I shouldn't have said yes to the lunch in the first place. However, if I let him give me his number he will probably go away. And it's not like I have to give him mine.

"Sure," I say in answer to his question.

"Are you going to put it in your phone or anything?"

"Oh right." I should at least make it look like I'm going to keep it. I take my phone out and pull up a new contact. He recites his number and I type it in.

"Well, it was nice meeting you Ashley. I mean what I said."

I look at him confused. "About what?"

"You're a very beautiful girl." He smiles at me and nods. "I hope to hear from you." And on that, he turns and walks away.

I breathe a sigh of relief. That was...weird. There's a man that's walking past me and as he does I see him looking me up and down. Right before he passes he looks me in the eye and smiles, nodding his head. I realize I'm going to have to be careful about the amount of attention I'm going to have now. I'm not used to it. I can't just say yes to anyone. That's how I ended up on this weird date-non-date to begin with.

I look at my phone, the screen on the new contact with Charles's phone number typed in.

Just close the screen. Close the app. Lose the number.

I hesitate. I know I shouldn't but there's something stopping me. Why?

Because he showed interest in you, the voice in the back of my head says.

I hit "save". So I have the number, so what? It doesn't mean I have to call it or anything. What can it hurt to have the number?

***************************

As I sit on the subway coming home, I think about what happened.

He's a married man!

That's all I can think. I suddenly feel this pang of guilt, but for what? Nothing happened. So he bought me lunch? It's not like I'm going to sleep with him or anything. A friendly guy bought me lunch and then gave me his phone number, which I have no intention of ever calling.

Then why did you save it?

I'm not a cheater. So I let some creepy old man hit on me and buy me lunch. So what? It doesn't mean anything.

"Smile." I hear a man's voice from above me. I look up to see a bearded man in workout clothes standing over me. "You should smile more."

What the hell does that mean? I don't want to smile right now. Who are you to tell me to? I give him the meanest look I can possibly muster.

"No need to be a bitch," he says as he rolls his eyes.

Why won't people just leave me alone? What gives you the right to speak to me that way? I look up at the man. "I'm not here for your enjoyment. Please leave me alone."

"Fucking bitch," he says as he walks away down the train car.

I hate this. I hate all of it. Is this what girls have to deal with on a regular basis? People acting like complete assholes with no regard? I mean what the hell, smile more?! I'm a bitch because I didn't follow your command, Mr. Stranger on the subway?

I rest my hand on my thigh and feel the bulge of the coin in my pocket. Thank God I have this. Tomorrow I'll be rid of these weird attractions, middle-aged men hitting on me, assholes on the subway treating me like some piece of entertainment. Tomorrow can't come soon enough!

***************************

I get home and walk through the door to find my mom sitting on the couch reading her Kindle.

"Where've you been," she asks me.

"Out." What else can I say? I'm not going to elaborate on my date-non-date.

I walk to my room and close the door behind me, collapsing on the bed. I look at the silver half-dollar coin and wonder if I've made the right decision. I was angry on the subway but now that I've had time to calm down I realize being Ashley hasn't been all that bad. Despite the world around me, I feel like I truly like myself as her. As Ben, I hated myself. It's not a healthy feeling. If I go back to being him, what am I really going back to? But if I stay as Ashley, what am I gaining?

The door opens and my mom walks in and takes a seat on the bed.

"Ashley, speak to me. What's going on? You've been acting weird. Tell me what's happening."

I want to lay everything on her. The wish and the fountain, how my mind is still a thirty-year old man named Ben but my body is your eighteen year old daughter Ashley, the lunch with Charles, all of it. However I know I can't. She'll have me committed if I do. I just shake my head and look away.

She puts her hand on my back and looks me in the eye. "I know this feels like a weird time in your life," she starts to say. "You just graduated high school, you're starting college, all your friends are moving away. You're going through some big changes."

I huff and shake my head. More than you know lady.

"I've been there too," she continues. "I know how difficult it is."

"No you don't." I blurt it out without thinking. I shouldn't be rude, she's just trying to help.

She puts her hand underneath my chin and raises my head so my eyes meet hers. "Yes I do," she says. "Yes I do. You're not alone."

I look back at her with her words ringing in my ears. I'm not alone. For the first time in a long time I'm not alone. I start to get flashes of memory sitting in my lonely Astoria studio by myself as Ben. Friends who can't even make time to see me on my birthday, relationships that putter out the moment they start, a dead end job that went nowhere and didn't value me at all. Tears start to swell up in my eyes. "I'm not?"

Tears start to swell up in her eyes as well and she smiles back at me. "Of course not sweetie. I'm always going to be here for you, and your father too. Even Jack." The last part she says with an air of laughter. I don't get the reference, not knowing anything about Ashley and Jack's relationship, but I can't help but laugh too.

"I just don't know what I'm doing, Mom." I know she doesn't know what I mean but it is the truth.

"No one does, Ashley. No one ever does. We all just do the best we can with what we've got." She kisses me on the forehead and stands up. "Just be yourself. Change is hard but worth it in the end. You'll be ok." She turns around and walks out, leaving me to ponder what she just said.

I look down at the silver half dollar, tears still running down my cheeks. Maybe she's right. Change is hard but I did ask for this. Two days ago when I was Ben, I would've given anything to wake up as a different person. Any person. Now here I am, an attractive girl at the beginning of her life with the option to do anything. A family that loves me, friends that care for me. What am I really upset about? A man was rude to me on the subway?

I sit there for what feels like an eternity. Before I know it I'm jumping out of bed and running for the front door. My mom stops me before I make it out and asks me where I'm going.

"Embracing change, Mom." I smile at her and she seems to understand, at least on some level. She smiles back as I run out.

Before I know it I'm back in front of the fountain in Central Park, coin in hand. I don't think I'm ready to give this up just yet. Earlier today I looked in the mirror and for the first time in my life I felt love for myself.

I decide to make a new rule. I am no longer going to think of Ashley in the third person. I am Ashley. I am a girl. Ben is the past. Ben doesn't exist anymore. I might still have all of his memories but I am from this point forward Ashley Montgomery. I am me. I am Ashley and I love myself.

I flick the coin into the fountain and watch it sink to the bottom. I look up to the angel at the top of the fountain.

"Thank you," I say out loud. "Thank you." I know it's just in my head and not possible but I swear the angel smiles back. My phone buzzes. I pull it out and see I received a text message.

"wut u up 2 ash" A text from Wendy.

"Loving myself" is all I text back.

After a moment my phone buzzes and I look at the screen. "?"

I chuckle and start typing back. "Don't worry about it. What are you up to?"

"nuthin im bored come over"

I'll be there Wendy. Your friend Ashley will be there.

###



Know Thyself Ch. 03



Thank you to everyone for continuing to read my story. Your kind words are a great inspiration to me! 

A quick note about the previous chapter. I've rewritten chapter two, so if you've only read the original chapter I would suggest you go back and read the rewritten one. You'll know it's the rewritten chapter if there's a note like this at the top saying it is. I originally thought there was a much shorter trajectory to this story but after posting chapter two I found there's much more to explore. 

I promise not to post rewrites to previous chapters very often and only when absolutely necessary. In this instance, I believe it was. 

Thank you again for your inspiration and I hope you enjoy chapter three! 

************* 

"Big Brother is watching," is the first thing that comes to mind as I stare at the piece of paper I'm holding. I've just gotten back from my usual wanderings around the city. Having no actual responsibilities, I've been spending the last couple of days just walking around. Most of the time I'm people watching, studying the weird idiosyncratic nature of human beings. I've never just sat and watched people before. I've found it to be a very pleasing pass time. 

Right as I walked in the door my mom handed me a letter from school. It turns out I'm going to Hunter College. Not bad, a city school. I don't know how good my grades were but judging from my family we probably can't afford NYU or Columbia tuition. The letter turns out to be my summer reading list. 

"They had our address wrong in their system," my mom explains to me. "It's not fair that they send you a list of books to read three weeks before the semester starts. What kind of university is this?" 

"It's not, it's a college." I correct her, though I don't really know why. 

"It is part of the CUNY system, Ashley. Do you know what that stands for?" 

"Yes, mom." 

"City University of New York. Hunter is just one campus." 

"I know." 

"Don't sell yourself short, that's all I'm saying." She ends it with an overly big smile that I've seen all too often this week. Something that says "I'm just joking...but I'm also right." I guess I can't argue with her. She is. 

The point I can't bring up to her is that I've already read these books. Years ago. In fact, Nineteen Eighty-Four is one of my favorite books. The other two are fairly basic as well. A Catcher in the Rye and Beloved. I'll have to read a plot synopsis of them just because, like I said, it's been years since I read them. Although from the looks of things I'm not nearly as worried as my mom. 

"Looks like you're going to be shacked up reading for the next couple of weeks," she teases. 

"I'll be fine. I can finish these in a couple days." 

"I've never known you to be such an avid reader, Ashley." 

"Well I don't have much else to do, now do I?" 

My mom laughs at that. "No, I guess you don't." 

I walk over to the couch and sit down next to my dad. He's watching one of those nightly news shows. The pundit seems to be upset about something, but then again they always are. I've never been one to care about politics all that much. I recognize the pundit but I have no idea what his name is. 

"What did you do today," my dad asks me, keeping his eyes on the TV. 

"Not much, just walked around." 

"You saw the letter that came for you?" 

I nod. 

"You think you'll be okay?" He still doesn't look at me but I can tell he's now more focussed on me than the TV. These two really seem to be concerned about me being ready for college. When Ben started college his parents barely asked him two questions about it. Most of the conversations went "how's school," "fine," and that was that. Maybe because Jack didn't go to college they're even more concerned about me? I wish I could reassure them by saying I've already gone to college, so it's going to be a piece of cake. 

I wonder if I'll ever be able to tell them the truth. Probably not. I hope I'm just as good of an Ashley to them as the previous one was. It seems like I have a good relationship with them, so I'd hate to be the one that ruins it. 

"I'll be fine, dad." My reassurance puts a smile on his face. "If I can't read three books in a couple weeks, I shouldn't have gotten into college anyway." 

He lets out a deep laugh at that one and pats me on the thigh. "That's my girl." 

"How was work," I ask him. I need to start finding out more information about these two before I get caught in an awkward situation. 

He shakes his head. "Our client is getting cold feet. We were supposed to sign a deal today but their representative canceled. No reason, no warning, just done. People, you know?" 

I nod my head though I don't know what I'm agreeing to. That didn't give me much and I still have no idea what he does. "So what are you going to do?" 

"Someone in the office suggested I have the guy over for dinner. Putting more of a personal face on our company might soften him up a little. You're free Monday night, right?" 

"Yeah, as far as I know." Other than Brian's party tomorrow night, I have nothing going on. One of the perks of this new life I have. 

"Good. Now if only I can get an answer from that idiot brother of yours." He sounds annoyed just at the mention of Jack. I wonder what the deal between them is. 

"Where is Jack?" 

"Who ever knows with that boy." He shakes his head in disappointment and then looks at me for the first time. "At least I've got you." 

I smile. It's a weird feeling. I know he's giving me a compliment but accepting it feels like an insult to Jack. Although, for all I know Jack deserves it. I don't know the background here. "Thanks dad," is all I say. 

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I take it out and see a text from Wendy. 

"can i come over" 

"sure" I type back. 

"Who's that," my dad asks. 

"Wendy. She's coming over." 

My mom's ears perk up from the table. "Oh good. We haven't seen her in a while. I like that girl." 

"Hey Ashley," my dad says next to me. "Want to make me a drink?" 

Is this something normal in this family? Making my dad a drink? Why can't he make his own damn drink? I wonder if he ever asks Jack to do that or if this is something reserved for me because I'm a girl. I've been noticing a lot of little things like this ever since I became Ashley. I guess I'm his personal bar tender. 

"What do you want," I ask through gritted teeth. 

"The usual." 

Great! What the hell is the usual? I get up and walk to the kitchen. I start to open the cabinets looking for alcohol. Where would these people keep their liquor? I get a glass from the cabinet. I do know where that is. It's just about the only thing I've gotten for myself from this kitchen. I look in the freezer and find a bottle of vodka. I open the fridge and see a bottle of seltzer water. If they have a lime that's what I'm doing. Sure enough, I find one. I pour some vodka and seltzer in a glass and put a slice of lime on the top. 

I walk back into the living room and hold the drink out to my dad. He stares at it, a weird look on his face. "Do I look like your mom?" 

What's that supposed to mean? 

"That's what she drinks," he says through laughter. 

"Vodka sodas are good." It's a feeble attempt at making this error seem normal. 

"And how would you know?" His eyebrows raise in an accusation that looks half mocking and half serious. 

My mom walks over and takes the glass from my outstretched hand. "I'll take it." She then looks at my dad. "I'll make your drink, honey." She gives me a half smile as she walks away. 

My dad looks back to me. "Are you too old now to be making your old man a drink?" 

Of course I am! I'm eighteen years old, man. What do you think? Of course I don't say that. I just stand there staring at him, my mouth hanging open. 

The doorbell rings. 

"I got it!" I quickly run to the door to get away from my dad. Standing in the doorway is Wendy. 

"What's up, Ash?" She gives me a hug and walks into the apartment. My mom walks out of the kitchen as Wendy enters, a straight glass of whisky in her hand. (Now I know what the "usual" is). 

"Hello Wendy," my mom says in an energetic high pitched voice. She continues to walk to my dad as she speaks. "It's been so long since we've seen you. How is everything?" 

"Good, Mrs. Montgomery," she says politely. "How are you Mr. Montgomery?" 

"Good, good. Are you excited for college to start?" 

God, that's all this man talks about! 

"Yeah! Very excited," Wendy says. "I can't wait." 

Before we get into another college discussion, I chime in. "Okay, we'll see you later." I start walking to my bedroom and Wendy follows me. I close the door behind us. 

"That's all he talks about," I say to Wendy as she takes a seat on my bed, dropping her sandals to the floor. "It's always about college." 

"Well he's just excited. Like you said, you're his last hope. He's always ripping into Jack." 

So it is about Jack. The old Ashley must've told her that. "Yeah I guess. It just gets old after a while. Not knowing where else to sit, I plop on the bed next to her. She looks good tonight. She's wearing a blue dress with floral patterns. The cut of the dress goes far enough down that it shows quite a bit of cleavage without being inappropriate. She has a nice pair of breasts, the Ben side of me thinks. 

"You know what you're wearing to Brian's tomorrow night," she asks. 

I shake my head. "No. Haven't thought about it." 

"Are you and Brian going to get up to anything?" Though she's pretending to be teasing me, I can tell there's genuine curiosity there. 

"I don't know." I sound shy and I can't tell if I'm feigning it or if I really am. 

"What if he makes a move? Like asks you to his bedroom or something. You going to say yes?" 

Shit. That thought hasn't actually occurred to me yet. "I don't know. Maybe I'll say yes," I answer, curling up into a ball with my head on my knees. "What would you say?" 

She looks at me lamely. "You know what I would say." 

I guess she would jump in bed with him at a moment's notice. She seemed to be into him that night at The Wall. I try to change the subject. 

"When do you leave for school?" 

"You don't remember?" 

I hate all this not knowing. "I...I forgot." 

"The twenty-second." 

How do I ask where's she's going without seeming weird? "I'm going to miss you." 

"Aw. I'm not going that far." 

How far is that far? Doesn't give me much info. 

"Will I be able to see you everyday," I ask. 

"Not unless you plan on moving to Boston." 

So she's going to Boston. Still don't know which school but at least I have a city. 

"I wish I could," I tell her. I look her in the eye and she looks right back. We just hold the stare for a moment. I really like her. I can tell why we're such close friends. I've noticed that girls don't do anything for me physically since I've become Ashley but suddenly I feel a tingling in my body as I look at her. 

"I wish you could move up there with me." She says it very softly, almost as if it's a secret between us. I can't tell if it's just me but I feel like there's a deeper connection here. What is our history? I feel drawn to her. 

"Yeah." It's all I can say. Should I do it? Should I lean in and kiss her? I don't want to ruin our friendship if I'm wrong. There has to be something between us though. Friends don't just sit and stare into each other's eyes like this. 

I start to lean in and I see her eyes close. She's not saying no. I close my eyes as well just as our lips touch. Wendy lets a soft sound escape as our lips caress each other's. Our mouths open and our tongues meet. My hand is on the side of her neck. The softness of my hand caressing the softness of her skin. The kiss seems to spark a familiar warmness inside of me that I've only felt with men so far. If I'm not attracted to all women, I can tell I am attracted to this one. 

Wendy pulls away and immediately I can tell something is wrong. She looks down, averting my eyes. "We've talked about this, Ash." 

What does that mean? What have we talked about? "I...I..." I'm stuttering. 

"It's not fair to me." 

"Why?" 

She sharply looks up at me, her eyes an accusation I don't understand. "If you like me, then tell me you like me." 

"I like you." I say it reflexively, not thinking. I don't understand what she means. 

"Don't play with me, Ashley." I can see a tear start to swell in her eye. We've done this before but what was the outcome? 

"I'm not." 

"So you're into girls now?" The question is more accusatory than anything else. 

"Yes. I mean, I don't know." 

Now the tear slides down her cheek and she wipes it away. "That's always how it is with you. 'I don't know, I don't know.' I had enough courage to come out to you, why can't you just be honest with me? One day you're into girls, the next day you're not. I can't be your girlfriend on the days you are and your friend on the days you aren't. You can't keep doing this. Kissing me and then saying it was a mistake. Just make up your mind!" 

Oh wow. Wendy is a lesbian. And apparently I'm a tease. What do I say to her? How can I tell her I forgot about our history without insulting her? I need to find a way to deal with the people in my life while not knowing anything about them. The other night I made a decision to embrace my new life as Ashley, my new life as a girl, but how can I do that if I'm missing eighteen years of memories? 

Suddenly an idea comes to me and I wonder why I haven't thought of it before. It's perfect! 

"I'm sorry," I say to Wendy. She sniffles and wipes another tear from her face. "I need to tell you something but you have to keep it secret." 

"Don't tell me you're a lesbian but need to stay in the closet. That's bullshit Ash and you know it!" 

"No it's not like that. This is serious. Something happened to me earlier this week that's been making things really weird." 

"Yeah, I know," she snaps back. "You've been acting weird ever since last Sunday at The Wall." 

"Yes! Sunday, that's right! That's what I'm talking about." I start to get a little excited, my voice raising as I amp up. "Something happened to me Wendy and I need your help. Seriously." 

I grab her hand and she doesn't pull away. I look her in the eye, pleading. I can see her soften. 

"What happened," she asks. 

I take a deep breath and then I tell her. "I have amnesia." 

There's silence as she processes what I said. I can't tell if she believes me or not so I quickly fill the silence. 

"On Saturday night I was taking a shower before I went to bed. I slipped and hit my head on the wall. I think I passed out for a couple minutes because I woke up in the shower with the water still running." The lie seems to glide right out of my mouth without any hesitation. "I got up, dried myself off and went to sleep. When I woke up Sunday morning, I couldn't remember anything. I mean anything! I had to look at my ID to figure out what my name was. You remember Sunday night you texted asking if I was still coming out?" 

She nods. 

"I asked you where we were meeting because I didn't know we had plans. I had to look your picture up on Facebook just so I knew who you were. And remember when Brian showed up? He asked me for my phone number?" 

I wait, but this time she doesn't nod. 

"I couldn't remember what my number was. It's really bad, Wendy. I've been trying to piece my life together all week. I don't know anything. It's as if...as if I was born on Sunday. As if there was nothing before that." 

I wait to see if she'll say something. 

"I don't even know who those two people outside are. I know they're my parents. I figured that much out. Other than that, I don't know anything." 

Again I pause hoping she'll say something. She doesn't. 

I hold her hand tighter. "Please Wendy, help me." 

I finally stop talking for good. I'll sit here in silence forever until she says something. She's looking down, avoiding me. Finally, she pulls her hand away and I see a tear drop from her eyes. 

"We're done, Ashley." Her voice is soft, shaky, and it scares me more than if she yelled it at me. She lifts her head up and looks at me, her eyes filled with tears. She wipes them as she sniffles. "Amnesia? Are you serious? That's low, even for you. You want to kiss me and when I call you out on it, instead of owning up and acting like an adult, you make up some elaborate lie about amnesia?" 

I wish I could tell her the story might've been a lie but the memory loss isn't. 

"You're supposed to be my friend," she says, every word laced with pain. "I have never lied to you. Never. Do you realize how much courage it took me to admit to you that I'm attracted to girls? That all those times I talked about boys, I was faking it? Do you know how scared I was when I told you that for the first time?" 

I nod, even though I have no idea. 

"That was called honesty. I was honest with you. And you can't even once, bring yourself to be honest with me. I trusted you with one of the hardest things in my life and you play with it like it means nothing." 

"That's not what I meant-" 

"Yes you do," she cuts me off. "Yes you do. And every time you cross that line I think 'this is it. This is when it finally becomes real.' And then you tell me some bullshit story about amnesia." 

"It's not bullshit." Not all of it. 

"It is bullshit, and so are you." 

She gets up, puts her sandals on, and walks out of my room. I run after her as she makes her way to the front door. 

"Wendy, wait!" 

She walks out the door and I follow her. She stops at the stairwell and turns around. 

"If you had something secret, something you haven't told anyone ever, how would you feel if the one person you told made fun of it?" 

"I didn't-" 

"Yes you do. I trusted you with my biggest secret. You've never trusted me with anything." 

She turns around and walks down the stairs. I let her go, deciding not to follow. I don't know what else I can say. 

She does have a point though. I didn't trust her with my biggest secret. How can I? Let's be honest, if she didn't believe I have amnesia, she'll never believe the actual truth. I have to find a way to fix this but I have no idea how. Maybe I'll tell her I'm a lesbian. I mean I do like girls. Although I don't. But I remember liking girls. It was only last week I was Ben Telaney and I would've given anything to be with a girl. But today, even the most beautiful girl does nothing for me. 

But I did feel something with Wendy. What does that mean? 

I turn around and walk back into my apartment. Both my parents look up at me. 

"What was that about," my mom asks from the couch, her vodka soda still in hand. 

I shake my head. "Nothing." I walk back into my room and close the door. 

************* 

I wake up in just about as bad of a mood as anyone can wake up in. I look at my phone on my side table and see it's eleven o'clock. I slept in through the whole morning! Today is going to be such a great day. And by great, I mean complete shit. However, I know exactly who I'm going to take my anger out on. 

I get out of bed and tear that stupid Taylor Swift poster off the wall. I crumple it up into a little ball and punt it at the wall. 

Write a song about that, Taylor! 

The ball of poster bounces off the wall and tumbles back to my feet. I stare down at it and take a breath. I guess it is a little harsh. It's not her fault. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

I look in the mirror. 

Do you still like yourself? 

Yes. Yes I do. I'm still doing better than when I was Ben. I might've lost my best friend but at least I still like myself. 




Know Thyself Ch. 03



It's not like I meant any harm. I just didn't know. I didn't know our history. 

It's what I tell myself to make me feel better. It is the truth. 

Brian's party is tonight but I realize I don't know any information about it since it was Wendy that took all the info. Once again, I pull up Facebook. Sure enough, Facebook event, Brian's Graduation Party with a start time and address. God, what did people do before Facebook? 

I decide I'm going to visit Ben's old apartment in Astoria. Maybe I can find something that will give me some evidence to prove I used to be a man. Getting to Astoria from Inwood is no easy task. Just going a couple miles in New York can take you forever. Only in this city do you have to go all the way south in order to go east. I take the A train down to 59th Street. I have to walk across the park to get to the N. I exit the station and start walking. Midday on a Friday is always an interesting time in the city, especially in the summer. A lot of jobs have summer hours and everyone starts to get out of work at this time. It is significantly later than when I woke up since it took me a while to get ready. Apparently I'm still not very good at this whole makeup thing. 

I hear a car screech behind me and look back. Someone narrowly misses an accident. The two people yell at each other, but that's not what catches my attention. I notice a man walking behind me that was on my train. He was checking me out the whole ride (it's so easy to spot it, I can't believe I ever thought as Ben that no one knew I was looking). As I look back he looks away. He was staring at me. 

I turn back around and keep walking. What do I do? He's very big, much bigger than me. He's at least six inches taller and about double my weight from the looks of it. If he wanted to say something to me, like ask me out or something, he had plenty of time on the train. Why would he be following me if he just wanted to ask me out? He must have something else planned. 

I pick up my pace, trying to make it to the next station before anything can happen. I can hear his footsteps behind me and maybe it's my imagination but I swear I hear his pace pick up with mine. It would be so easy for him to come up behind and grab me. I can probably yell for help. There aren't that many people on the street but there are enough. But what if he threatens me or something? My heartbeat starts to pick up and I glance behind me, pretending I'm looking for a cab. 

He looks away again. He's definitely following me. 

What do I do? I start to breath heavier, faster. I'm genuinely scared now. Seeing the world from a couple inches closer to the ground really changes the way you look at things. Ben was tall, so now everything seems so much bigger to me. I feel so vulnerable on the street and I've never felt that way before. When I was Ben, there was always this belief in the back of my mind that if someone tried anything with me I could take them. As him, I always assumed if I ran into trouble it would be someone trying to rob me. Never a sexual assault. As a man, I just believed that I was strong enough to take anyone who tried to mess with me. As Ashley, I feel weak, almost naked. Having lived in this body for almost a week now, I've seen that the majority of people out there are bigger than me. If someone tried to mess with me, they would win. Even with my best efforts, there's not much I can do. 

As I walk down the street I start to pass one of those horse drawn carriages. The driver is looking for a fare and he glances down at me. The smell of horses on this block is palpable. They shit all over the place and it looks like there's a pile of it not too far from this carriage. 

I stop walking. I take out my phone and pretend I'm looking something up. The man on the horse looks at me. He's about to say something but thinks better of it. Maybe he was going to ask me if I wanted a ride. 

As I pretend to look at my phone I stay aware of the man and our eyes meet as he walks by. He flashes a smile and continues walking. I watch him for a few moments, waiting to see if he breaks stride or looks back? He doesn't. Maybe it was all in my head? Maybe the man was checking me out but coincidentally had to go this way. Maybe I just saved myself from danger. I have no idea. 

I glance up and see the man on the horse look at the man who walked by and then back at me. He nods and tips his hat, letting me know he understands what just happened. Maybe he doesn't fully understand but he knows I wanted that man to pass me by. I give him a half smile and keep walking. 

I get to the end of the long block and descend the stairs into the station. I don't have to wait long until the next N train arrives. 

Soon enough I find myself on my old block in Astoria. As I stand outside the building I feel a weird sense of deja vu. It's almost as if this building is from a different world. I suppose this is the first time these eyes have looked at this building. I can't get in just yet. The front door is locked and I no longer have keys. As I wait outside I look at the stairs. There seems to be the same nicks and marks as I remember. Everything seems to be the same. 

The door opens and an old woman walks out. I recognize her but I don't know her name. We always used to exchange smiles when we would meet, acknowledging we live in the same building but keeping the appropriate distance for two people who didn't know each other. I instinctively give her a nod but she just gives me a strange look back. It's weird. I've spent the better part of this week training myself to be Ashley, to think like Ashley. Now that I'm standing in front of my old building I realize how much I stopped thinking about Ben's memories. All my old memories in this building are coming back. 

I quickly make my way into the building before the door closes. I walk up the old wooden stairs to the third floor, the steps creaking and complaining with every step, and turn left as I've done hundreds of times in the past. There's my door, apartment 3C. As I approach I notice there's a mat outside. I never used to have a mat. I lift my knuckles to the door but hesitate. What exactly am I looking for? Do I think Ben is going to open the door? And if it's some stranger, what do I say? These are probably things I should've thought of long before I got here. 

I knock on the door and wait. I can hear rustling inside the apartment. Soon the door opens and a man in his late thirties opens the door. 

"Yeah?" His voice is gruff, a man of very few visitors I imagine. 

"Hi." A long silence as I figure out what to say. "I just moved to the building and wanted to introduce myself. I'm Ashley." I hold my hand out. 

He shakes my hand. "Nice to meet you." 

There's an uncomfortable silence. 

He picks up on it. "I'm Winston." 

"Nice to meet you, Winston." I give him my biggest smile. "Have you been in the building long?" 

"Four years." 

That's the exact amount of time I was here. Maybe this is the guy who took the apartment when I wasn't around to take it? 

"What apartment did you move into?" He looks at me from the bottom of his eyes as I'm quite a few inches shorter than him. 

"Oh...uh...5A." 

He gives me a suspicious look. "When did Ms. Yun move out?" 

Who the hell is Ms. Yun? How is this guy more sociable with people in the building than I was? 

"I, uh, don't know. Never met the woman who lived there before me." 

I can see he takes that excuse as he nods. "Huh. Yeah. Well, welcome to the building." 

There's another awkward silence and he takes that to mean the conversation is over and he closes the door. So I didn't exist and the apartment was filled by someone else. It's as if the word is exactly the same except without me. Did I really have that little effect on the world? There's no one to mourn me since I never existed. Why did I even come here? There's no such thing as Ben Telaney anymore. It's just Ashley Montgomery. I have to stop torturing myself like this. 

The door opens again and Winston is standing there. "Hey, uh what did you say your name was again?" 

"Ashley." 

"Ashley. Nice name. Want to come in for a drink?" 

Is this how it always happens? Can't I have an interaction with a man that doesn't result in this? "No thanks. I have to get going." 

"You sure?" It's apparent that there aren't many lights on upstairs with this guy. Not sure how "no thanks" isn't enough of a rejection for him. 

"Yeah, no thanks. Have a nice day." I smile as I make my way to the stairs. 

Luckily he seems to take this as the final word and closes the door. 

************* 

I get back home and collapse on the couch. What a waste of a day. It's now three-thirty and the party starts at seven. Judging by how long it takes me to get ready I should probably start now. However, I just want to lay here and forget about everything. This party is going to be rough. A bunch of people I'm supposed to know but don't. It'll be like my (I mean Ben's) ten year reunion, except I (meaning Ashley) have only graduated a month and a half ago. 

What if I don't go? It's not like I have to. Maybe I just sever ties with everyone Ashley ever knew and start fresh in college. It happens all the time. Most of the people Ben was friends with in high school did that. They all left and never came back. I never heard a word from them until MySpace was created. 

God, the real Ashley probably doesn't even know what MySpace is! 

I can't wait to really stun someone when this eighteen year old girl starts reminiscing about Friendster! 

I hear someone walk into the room and I glance up. It's Jack. 

"What's wrong with you?" It's almost a grunt, his voice gruff. 

"Life." 

"Yeah, get in line." 

Is he drunk? I swear I can hear a faint slur in his voice. 

"What's wrong with you," I ask. 

"I got fired." 

I lift my head up from my laying position. "No shit. What happened?" 

"Mislabeled some prices again." 

"What did you mislabel?" God, give me something! What are you talking about? Where did you work?! 

He smiles. "You ready for this?" 

I nod. 

"Tampons." He shakes his head. "I mispriced a bunch of tampons. Fred said it's been happening too much. The store's losing too much money from my mistakes. That asshole's had it out for me forever." 

"What did you misprice before?" 

"Cans of soup, bags of rice, eggs, paper towels. Shit, who even knows?" He lifts my legs up and sits down on the couch, resting my legs across his lap. "He said this was the last straw." 

"Are you drunk, Jack?" 

He looks at me. "I lost my job today because I made tampons too damn cheap. Hell yeah I'm drinking." 

I sit up, folding my legs in front of me. "What are you going to do?" 

He shakes his head. "I don't know but you can't tell dad." 

"Okay." 

"I mean it. You can't tell him. He'll kick me out." 

"Would he really do that?" 

"You know him. He was embarrassed enough telling his friends I worked at a Key Foods. Imagine telling him I couldn't even hold onto that job? Because of tampons?!" 

Poor guy. I wish I could tell him I know how it feels as I was just laid off of my job last week. "I'm sorry Jack," is all I can come up with to say. 

"S'okay." 

We both sit there, staring at the ground. 

He looks up. "You still going to that party tonight?" 

I shake my head. 

"Why?" 

I shrug. 

"Have anything to do with you and Wendy butting heads?" 

I look at him and turn my head to the side. 

He half-smiles back. "Mom spilled the beans. Said it sounded pretty bad. What happened?" 

I shrug and shake my head. 

"That bad," he asks, sounding a little surprised. 

"I've just been having a weird week." 

"Yeah, you do seem a little off. You're not doing some shit, are you little sis?" 

"What does that mean?" 

"You know." He makes a gesture as if he's snorting coke. 

"No!" My voice reaches a couple octaves higher than I've heard myself go. "It's not like that." 

"Then what's it like?" 

Well Jack, imagine tomorrow you woke up in the body of Wendy. It's like that. 

I shake the thought away and glance back at him. He's still looking at me. 

"Ah it's okay," he says. "You can tell me when you're ready. As long as you're not like, thinking of killing yourself or anything." 

"No!" 

"Good. Then you tell me when you want. But listen, you should go to that party." 

"Why?" 

"Because I know whatever it is between you and Wendy, you're not in the wrong. You've always been the good one. Too good. I know whatever it is, Wendy was being a bitch." 

"No, really it's- 

"S'okay sis. You don't need to tell me what it is. Just know, I believe you're in the right. I always believe that. Don't let anyone stop you from doing you." 

I shake my head. "Okay." 

"Hey!" He smacks my thigh with the back of his hand. 

"Ow! What the hell?!" Damn, that really did hurt! 

"I know you want to meet this Brian kid. Shit all you've been doing for months now is talking my ear off about him. Go do your thing!" 

I look at him with my mouth hanging open. 

"Oh come on. You know I've never been one of those 'don't touch my little sister' assholes. I'm not into that bullshit. You go do your thing little sis." 

"I'm not going to go do my thing." I roll my eyes. 

"I'm not saying I know what your thing is, I'm just saying go do it. Whatever it is. You're a Montgomery. We don't stay in and sulk." 

At this moment I realize I love this guy. I wish I had a brother like this. 

You do have a brother like this. He's your brother. 

I lean over and hug him, pressing my head against his chest. "Thanks, Jack." 

He wraps one arm around the back of me and squeezes me twice. "No problem." 

I let go and look him in the eye. "You're a good brother." 

He smiles back. "And you're a kick ass sis." 

I get up and start walking to the hallway. 

"Yo!" He calls to me and I look back. "Get me some phone numbers while you're there." 

"Nope," I yell back as I make my way to my room. 

He's right! Why would I stay home? I haven't been invited to a party in years. Ben's friends were all lame. No one ever invited me anywhere. I'd hear about things on Facebook and wonder why I didn't know about it. I'm going to this party! 

I close the door and go to my closet. What am I going to wear? I've been in jean shorts all week, I think it's time for something new. What about a dress? I haven't worn one yet. If I'm truly going to embrace my new life, I need to get over my hesitation with clothes. This is going to be a big party from the sound of it, so I probably want to look nice. I see a blue dress in the back of the closet and pull it out. I strip down to my bra and panties. If I'm going to wear a dress, I'll probably want one of those thong panties. I haven't worn one since that first day. I slip a pair of those on and then slip into the blue dress and stand in front of the mirror. 

It goes down right above my knees. It has a v-neck and no sleeves. The sides curve in to accentuate the curve of my body. It's a little tight but flares out around my legs. 

As I stare at myself in the mirror I think, it's perfect! 

I touch up my makeup, adding some color to my lips. Red lipstick is what you wear when you want to look good, right? I've noticed that I see colors a lot differently as Ashley. Ben wasn't color blind or anything but it seems like everything is more vibrant with my new eyes. 

There's something else I haven't tried as a girl yet which I believe I'm ready for. Heels! I find a pair of black heels in the closet and try them on. Standing in front of the mirror I can see it added a couple inches. It is a little uncomfortable. I don't quite know how I'm going to walk in these. 

How does anyone walk in these things?! 

Inside the closet I also find a purse. Lately I've just been keeping things in my pocket but now I don't have any. I find a small one that matches the dress. I put some small gold earrings on and spray some perfume. I stand in the mirror and look at myself. 

I'm beautiful. 

I decide I need one last opinion. I go to find Jack. I find it difficult not to fall while in these heels but manage to get to the living room without incident. There he is, now with a fresh beer in hand. I stand in front of him, pop my hips to the side, and rest my hand on my hip. 

"What do you think," I ask him. 

He looks me up and down and then holds his beer up. "Boom!" 

I'm going to take that to be a good thing. 

************* 

From what the Facebook event said, the party is at Brian's Uncle's house in Brooklyn. A brownstone in Park Slope that he has all to himself for the weekend. Who gives an eighteen year old boy an entire brownstone for a weekend? It's like you're asking for something wrong to happen. I spent the rest of the day hanging out in my room. I did go for a walk at one point just so I can get some practice walking in these heels. Now I'm on the train heading to Brooklyn. I have no idea what to expect. I figured I shouldn't show up right when it starts at 7:00pm, so it's about 8:00pm now. Fashionably late. Kids still do that, right? 

I can tell I chose the right outfit. I'm getting a lot of looks on the train. I'm actually crossing my legs. I never used to do that as Ben. A lot of guys will say it's because it crushes their balls but that's not really true. I never did it because I had a gut and it made me uncomfortable. Now I have a flat stomach and I've found crossing my legs is actually quite comfortable. God, men are so stupid when it comes to certain things. 

I'm going to ignore the fact that I just thought that. 

We get to the station and I make my way above ground. It's now dark outside, which is weird because it was light when I left. One of those weird things about summer days. As I walk up to the brownstone I can already hear the party inside. It looks to be four floors. I wonder if the whole thing belongs to his uncle. Probably. If you have enough money to live in a brownstone in Park Slope, you have enough money to own the whole thing. 

I ring the doorbell and wait outside. I look down the block and see a woman walking her dog look my way. I can tell she's annoyed by the party. I would be too. This is the kind of thing that would piss me off when I was Ben. 

No one answers the door so I ring the bell again. I peek through the window on the side of the door but the glass is the kind that doesn't allow you to see through it. I finally decide to give up waiting and open the door. I know this is the place so what does it matter? 

There are a lot of people here! I hope this isn't everyone that was in my graduating class! The event said this is a graduation party and I was expecting maybe twenty people. There seems to be closer to fifty. The whole bottom floor is packed with people. I walk into the foyer and to the left is a dining room, to my right a staircase, and straight ahead looks to be a kitchen. There's a crowd of people in all directions. 

Standing on my left is a boy with a scraggly goatee who is dressed in a flannel shirt and slacks. He kind of reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo even though he's not dressed like him at all. Maybe it's the look on his face. He gives me a head nod and a smile. I smile back and keep moving. I want to find Wendy and hopefully Jen and Stacey. At least I kind of know them. 

I make my way straight ahead into the rest of the house. There's a kitchen and to the right a living room. You could say it's the layout of my apartment but it doesn't resemble anything of the sort. The amount of space is amazing! Their living room is the size of my whole apartment! To my right, in the living room I see Jen and Stacey and standing with them, her back towards me, is Wendy. Jen starts to wave when she sees me and I make my way over. As I do, Wendy turns around to see who Jen is waving to. When she sees me she turns around again. 




Know Thyself Ch. 03



"What's up girl," Jen says to me when I get there. 

"Nothing. How's the party?" I try to sound as casual as possible even though Wendy is standing right next to me. 

"It's cool," Jen says, a red Solo cup in hand. 

"I can't believe his uncle lives here," I say, trying to start conversation. 

Stacey nods and swallows her drink. "I know. They say he's in the movie industry. Like he's a producer in Hollywood or something like that." 

"I thought all those people lived in LA," I say. 

"Some of them live here," Stacey replies. "Some of them live in both places. Like half the year here and half the year out there." 

"That's so cool," I say, trying to sound natural. 

"Have you seen Brian yet?" Jen asks me with a big smile. 

I smile back, playing along. "Not yet. Maybe I'll run into him soon." 

Jen, Stacey, and I share a laugh. Wendy doesn't. 

I look at Wendy. "How are you?" 

She nods, not looking at me. "I'm cool." 

She's still mad, I can tell. 

No one says anything for a moment. 

"What do they have to drink," I ask. 

Stacey points over her shoulder. "There's a keg in the dining room. In the kitchen they have a bunch of liquor on the counter. It's kind of a free-for-all." 

I nod. "I'll be right back. I'm getting a drink." 

Jen and Stacey both nod as I walk away. Great, Wendy is still mad. I have no idea how I'm going to fix this. As I get to the kitchen I try to make my way through the entryway into the living room to get to the keg. There are so many people and I can't seem to squeeze my way through. I guess it's going to be liquor then. I scan the counter at all the liquor bottles. This kid must be rich with all the liquor he has. No one gives away this much liquor for free. It occurs to me that everyone here is probably under the age of twenty-one. Is there no one supervising this? Did Brian's uncle just say "here's my house and all my liquor, have fun"? That's crazy! There's no way this party is going to end well. At least I'm the most mature person here. A thirty year old should be able to handle himself/herself at a high school party (or ex-high school party since everyone has already graduated). 

Then I see it. A bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter. Should I? If today is Friday, that means it was less than a week since I was Ben drinking out of a bottle of Jack at the Bethesda fountain. But then again, that was Ben. I'm Ashley now. I get a red Solo cup and pour myself some Jack Daniels. A boy next to me hands me a bottle of Pepsi. He's about six or seven inches taller than me and smiles down. I shake my head, refusing the mixer. He makes a face like he's impressed. 

"She can handle her liquor," he says. 

I take a drink, looking at him the whole time. He's about to say something but I walk away. It feels good to have the upper hand when it comes to boys. I can do whatever I want and they'll find it cute. 

As I walk back to my friends I notice Shaggy from the front door is standing with them. When I get there he waves. 

"Hi Ashley." 

"Hi." I try to sound like I know him, even though I don't. 

"I thought you might've been mad at me." 

"Why would I be?" 

"He says you walked right by him," Stacey chimes in. "When you got here." 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Quick, come up with an excuse. "There's just so many people here. I was...frazzled, you know? I guess I didn't...um...recognize you." 

"It's okay," he says, though I can tell it's not. He didn't buy that and no one else in the group did either. "What you got there?" He points to my cup. 

I tip the cup over and show them. "Whisky." 

"Straight up?" Jen makes a face and sticks her tongue out. "Yuk!" 

"I didn't know you drink whisky," Stacey says to me. 

"I uh..." God I sound like an idiot! "I don't. I figured I'd try it. This is always what people drink in the movies, right?" 

I glance at Wendy and she's giving me a weird look. 

Scooby-Doo boy is about to say something when Jen cuts him off. "Oh, there's Brian!" She points him out to me. He walks into the kitchen from the hallway and looks around. When he spots me he makes his way over. 

"Hi girls!" Brian yells to be heard over the music. 

"Hi Brian!" Jen and Stacey say it at the same time. 

"Hey Brian." Wendy is a little more subdued. 

He looks at me and smiles. "What's up, Ashley?" 

I shrug. "Nothing. What's up with you?" 

"Nothing. I'd ask to get you a drink but I see you already have one." 

"Yeah," Stacey cuts in. "Apparently she's a whisky drinker now." 

Brian looks impressed. "You too? We should go shot for shot later." 

I'd drink you under the table little boy. 

Scooby-Doo boy is looking a little lost. He finally holds his hand out to Brian. "Thanks for hosting the party, man. This is great." 

"Yeah, no problem Matt." He shakes hands with him. "It's probably the last time we're all going to see each other, you know?" Even though Brian is speaking to Matt, he looks at me at the end of it. 

So Scooby-Doo boy is named Matt. See, this is going to be a piece of cake. 

"There's beer pong outside," Brian says to Matt. "You any good?" 

"I'm okay," Matt says with a shrug. 

"There's a backyard too?!" Jen actually sounds surprised. 

"Yeah. You guys should check it out," Brian suggests. 

Everyone starts heading for the glass doors that lead outside. I grab Wendy by the hand and stop her, letting everyone else go ahead. 

"Can I talk to you for a second," I ask. 

"You don't have to say anything." 

"No, I do. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. You're right. It's not fair to you." 

"Can we not talk about this here?" He gestures to the party around us. I guess she doesn't want anyone else to know. 

"I just don't want you to be mad." 

"Why'd you ignore Matt on the way in?" Her voice takes an accusatorial tone. 

"I...I didn't notice him." 

"He said you looked right at him and smiled, like you didn't know him." 

That's because I don't. "I guess I didn't realize it was him." 

She nods but still eyes me. "Listen, there's nothing to talk about." She turns around and goes in the direction our friends went. 

I stay behind and stand in the living room. I take another drink and look around. Everyone looks so young. I don't remember people looking this young when I was eighteen. Maybe not everyone here is eighteen. Just because it's a graduation party doesn't mean everyone here just graduated. 

Brian comes back, now on his own. Looks like he ditched everyone else outside. He sees me and makes a line straight for me. 

"I'm glad you came," he says. 

"Yeah, I'm glad you invited me." 

"Of course I would." He puts his hand on my cheek. "You're the only person I was looking forward to seeing." 

Oh God! 

"Since you're a whisky drinker, want to have a shot?" He nods to the kitchen. I don't think this kid realizes who he's dealing with. I've always been able to beat most people when it comes to shot for shot. 

"Sure," I say, a big smile on my face. 

He leads me to the kitchen, his hand on the lower part of my back. I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's obviously into me. The attention is nice but other than that I'm not looking for anything. 

He pours us a shot and hands one to me. "Here's to the rest of our lives." 

"To the rest of our lives." 

We both down the shot. I put my other cup to my mouth but then realize it's not a chaser, it's just more whisky. He smiles when he sees this and hands me one of the two-liter bottles of soda on the counter. I take a swig from the bottle and wipe my mouth. 

"I like you. You're not like other girls," he says, staring into my eyes. 

"What made you think I was?" 

His smile gets bigger at that. "Want a tour of the place?" 

"Sure." I'd love to see what it looks like. It's always been my dream to live in a brownstone in Brooklyn. Even though it's never going to happen, doesn't mean I can't see what it looks like. 

I notice he takes the bottle of Jack with us. We make our way up the first flight of stairs. The second floor is just as packed as the first. He shows me the rooms on this floor, a TV room and study. He takes a drink from the bottle and holds it out to me. I take a drink and hand it back to him. We make our way up the next flight of stairs to the third floor. Finally less people, but still a good number. There are three bedrooms on this floor. He points out one of them as his but closes the door. 

"That's nothing. You should see the master bedroom. It's the entire fourth floor." 

"I can't believe there's a fourth floor." I say it with a chuckle. Suddenly I realize I'm starting to feel the Jack. That's weird. I've always been able to down much more than this before I start to feel anything. Just last week on my birthday I got through quite a bit of the bottle before I started to feel like this. 

We make our way to the fourth floor and he's right, it is a sight. I walk into the massive bedroom and my mouth hanging open. 

"Wow." 

"I know, right?" He says it behind me and I hear him take another drink from the bottle. 

I hear the door close behind me. I turn around and see him standing with his back to the door, a smile on his face. He walks closer, leaving the bottle of Jack on a dresser, and puts his arms on my shoulders. 

"I'm glad you came," he says. 

"Me too." I try to avoid his eyes. 

"How come we never hung out during school?" 

I have no idea. If Ashley was so into you, why didn't anything come of it? I wonder if she was shy. 

"You never asked me out." I'm fishing here but there's got to be some truth to it. 

"You never seemed like you were into me." 

I knew it. I don't say anything though. I'm not sure what to do from here. 

He lifts my chin so we're looking each other in the eyes. "Was I wrong?" 

With his eyes on me I forget everything I was thinking. This does feel nice. He leans in and kisses me. His arms wrap around me and I realize just now how strong he really is. My hands on his chest as he holds me tight. 

Our tongues meet and our lips continue to dance together. It subsides and we look each other in the eye. 

"I knew you wanted it." 

"What?" 

"You spent four years playing hard to get but I knew you wanted it the whole time." He's smiling down at me in a weird way. 

Now I realize I'm feeling this Jack Daniels much more than I anticipated. That's when I realize what it is. I'm much lighter than I used to be. Of course I could drink much more when I was Ben. Ben probably weighed twice as much as Ashley does. That shot and the cup of whisky is already starting to hit me. 

"Well," I start but I don't know what to say. 

"Yeah?" 

"I don't know. I was going to say something but-" 

His kiss cuts me off before I can finish. He kisses me hard and walks me over to the bed. I fall backwards and he lands on top of me. He kisses me as his hands start to caress my body. I've never been underneath someone so strong before. He lifts himself up and looks at me. 

"Are you ready?" 

"For what," I ask. 

He starts to undo the buckle of his belt. 

"Wait," I say. 

He unbuttons his pants and starts to unzip them. I crawl out from underneath him. 

"What are you doing?" 

He looks at me, lost. "What does it look like I'm doing?" 

"I'm not going to have sex with you." 

He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Why?" 

"Because there's like a million people downstairs." 

"I locked the door." 

"You did?!" I look at the door, as if I can tell from here. 

"Yeah. What did you think we were going to do up here?" 

"I thought you were giving me a tour." 

"Yeah. I was. And now I'm going to fuck you." 

Who is this guy? It's like he's completely different from the person I've interacted with so far. 

"Are you serious," he asks me, sounding shocked. 

"Yes, I'm serious that we're not going to have sex." I try to sound as forceful as I can. 

I'm now standing and he gets closer to me, so I take a step back. He flings his pants away from his ankles and takes his boxers off. His cock hangs out in the open, half hard. "Don't be a tease." 

"I wasn't teasing. I never implied I wanted to have sex." 

"Yes you did." He gets closer, within arms reach. 

"Listen," I begin. "I'm not ready for this. Can we just take it slower?" 

He nods his head. Finally it seems like I'm starting to get through. He puts his hand on the top of my head and starts to push me down. I pull away and take a couple steps back. 

"What the fuck?!" I yell at him, trying to snap some sense into him. 

"I knew you were a prude." 

I suddenly feel something snap in me. I look at him and I now see everyone who has treated me like this since I became Ashley. I see Charles, the man on the subway who told me to smile, the man in Ben's old apartment. I get closer to Brian. He's so drunk he can't tell that the look on my face is anything but inviting. With all my force I knee him in the balls and he topples over like a sack of bricks. For a moment I almost feel his pain. It hasn't been that long since I've had a penis of my own. I walk out of the room and leave him lying on the floor in the fetal position. I can hear him groaning and calling me a bitch as I walk away. 

I make my way downstairs, stumbling into the walls as I do. Some people see me and laugh as I walk by, putting their hands out to hold me up. I really can't drink like I used to. Ashley is just much too small for this. The Jack Daniels has hit me harder than I realized. 

I finally get to the first floor and look around for my friends. They must be outside. I go to the backyard and see the beer pong games are still going. I walk around the table, looking for my friends but I can't find them. I'm alone, at a party full of people who seem to know me but I don't know them. Every now and then someone calls my name or waves or says hi. I pretend like I know them and keep walking, avoiding any type of conversation. 

I make my way back into the house. I stop in the kitchen and grab another drink of Jack Daniels because why not. I go to the front door and peek outside but don't see them. It's much more quiet out here, so I take a seat on the steps. I start to sip my drink, thinking about what just happened. So even Brian turned out to be an asshole. Was there no one Ashley knew who was decent? Other than Wendy? The thought of Wendy hurts. She still hates me. I take another drink at that. 

Suddenly I can feel someone's presence at the bottom of the steps and I look up. It's her. It's Wendy. She gives me a half smile and walks up, taking a seat next to me. 

"Same cup as before or a new one," she asks. 

"A new one." 

"You should take it easy with that." 

"I know what I'm doing." From the sound of my voice it's apparent I don't. 

"Did you find Brian?" 

I nod. 

"And?" 

"He's an asshole." 

She looks at me with a look of concern. Apparently she wasn't expecting that. "What happened?" 

"He tried to force himself on me. I told him no and then he called me a prude, so I kneed him in the balls." 

"Oh my God." 

"Yeah. I think he's still up there now holding his balls." 

Wendy laughs. She doesn't look at me as she does but she doesn't try to hide it. Hearing her laugh feels good. It puts a smile on my face. 

"I'm sorry," I say. "I feel like an asshole." I'm completely slurring my speech. It's clear I'm wasted. I look down into my cup and realize the whisky is already gone. I didn't realize I'd already finished the cup. "I'm just...things are really weird for me right now. Please believe me when I say I can't tell you why. I really can't. I don't even understand what's going on. That's the truth. Things are just so weird. And I like you. I know you said I should just make up my mind but I can't." I start to feel everything coming out. Like the damn that's been holding the truth back has been ruptured and the flood has escaped. "You said to me yesterday that I don't share the truth with you. The truth is, I don't know if I like boys or girls. I really don't. I'm not hiding anything, I just don't know. I feel like I like boys but then it seems like every single one I encounter is a complete asshole. I feel like I like girls. In my head I like girls, but...like...in my body...Everything is just so weird for me right now. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to you but please believe me, it doesn't make sense to me either." I pause for a moment and then I look at her. "I know I like you. Am I a lesbian, I don't know. I wish I felt the same thing with girls that I do with boys. Believe me, I wish that were the case. That would make things so much easier for me. I just don't know." 

I stop and wait to see if any of that took hold of her. She nods her head. For the first time all night she doesn't look mad at me. 

"I told Jen and Stacey," she says. 

I look at her, surprised. 

She nods. "Yeah. I told them. Now you're not the only one who knows." 

"What did they say?" 

"They freaked out and left. Fucking jerks. We've been friends for three years and suddenly they act like they don't know me. I didn't say I was attracted to them. I just said I'm attracted to girls in general." She pauses for a moment. "Whatever." 

"Fuck them," I say. "I never liked them anyway." 

Wendy laughs. She stops for a moment and then looks at me. "You know, there is something different about you." 

"How so?" 

She shakes her head. "I don't know. Just something." 

I put my arm around her shoulder. She seems to take this as a sign of friendship and puts her around me as well. 

"I think we should take a break from each other," she says into my ear, almost a whisper. 

I take my arm away. "What do you mean?" 

"Listen, we knew this was going to happen eventually. I'm going to Boston College and you're staying here for Hunter. We're not going to be able to see each other every day like we normally do. We should start to get used to that before we have to leave. I think we should stop talking until after we've started school." 

The way she's looking at me I can tell she doesn't want this either but feels it necessary. I shake my head. 

"Yes Ashley. Please, don't call me, don't text me. I still want to be your friend but I just can't do it right now. Let's go off to college and then see what happens from there." 

I suddenly feel like Ben at the end of high school again. His friends never said anything like this but they might as well have. He never heard from anyone again. He would call, email, but nothing. This is the way someone slowly cuts you out of their life. 

"I know what you're saying Wendy. You don't have to let me down easy." 

"What do you mean?" 

"If you don't want to be my friend anymore, just say it." 

"No, it's not like that." 

"So at some point during the semester you'll reach out to me? That's what you're saying?" 

"Yes." She almost looks convincing but I know she doesn't mean it. 

I want to push the issue further but I don't have any fight left in me tonight. "Fine. If that's what you want." 

Now she's the one to put her arm around me. "I love you, Ashley." 

She rests her head on me. I turn my head so that both of our foreheads are touching. She just said she loves me. I want nothing more than to kiss her right now. How did I screw this up? How did the original Ashley screw this up? Wendy is the best person I know. I don't just mean since I've become Ashley, I mean ever. As Ben too. I really want to kiss her but I know that will only make things worse. 

"I love you too, Wendy." It's a whisper. I can feel tears starting to cloud my vision. I realize this is the first time I've said this in my life and really meant it. 

She kisses me on the forehead and starts to leave. When she's at the bottom of the stairs I stop her. 





Know Thyself Ch. 03



"Wendy?" 

She turns and looks at me. 

I wipe the tears from my eyes. "Please don't make this goodbye." 

She smiles. I can't tell if there's any tears on her end. It's dark and my vision is blurry through the tears. "Don't you know already?" 

I shake my head. 

"I can never say goodbye to you." She smiles and puts her hand on her heart. Then she turns and walks away. I watch her until she's completely out of view. I get up and walk back into the party. I don't want to be around these people anymore but I need another drink. I guess I should say, I don't need anther drink but I want one. I pour another cup of whisky and take a swig. Suddenly Matt is by my side. 

"Ashee?" He slurs his speech and I can see he's way past it by now. 

I look at him, trying to focus. 

"This might be last time I ev see you." He swallows. 

God I forgot how these stupid high school graduation parties go. 

"I need tell you something bifore you go," he continues. 

I look at him. "What?" 

He leans in and kisses me. It takes me off guard but I don't pull away. I can hear a couple people cheer around us. His hands are on both sides of my head and he finally lets go. He looks at me, trying to gauge what my reaction is. 

I take another drink, downing the rest of the whisky. I look at him, his sweet puppy dog eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't say hi when I came in." 

"It's okay." 

I don't know why, maybe it's the Jack Daniels, but I lean in and kiss him back. We embrace for what feels like forever and finally let go. 

It's at that point I notice the red and blue flashing lights. They seem to be coming from everywhere but when I finally try to focus I realize they're coming from the front door. 

I'm about to say something but before I can, everything goes dark. 

************* 

Pain. That's the only thing I feel. 

Thirst. I can feel that too. I'm incredibly thirsty. I look to my side and notice a glass of water sitting on the table next to me. 

Oh thank God! 

I reach over and down the entire glass, streams of water falling down the sides of my face and onto my pillow. 

Where am I? 

I look around but don't recognize anything. On one wall is a Brooklyn Nets poster. I don't remember that being in my room. I sit up and see I'm still in my clothes from the night before. The bottom of my blue dress is crumpled up around my waist, my bare legs out in the open. I can see my heels on the floor in the middle of the room. Other than that, I don't recognize anything. 

Where am I? 

Did I go home with someone? Oh my God! Please no. I don't remember anything. I shouldn't have gone back into the party after Wendy left. 

The door opens and Matt is standing there. 

"You're up," he says. 

Oh my God, I went home with Scooby-Doo. Did I sleep with him? I scoot up in the bed and try to cover my legs. I don't know why, I'm fully clothed, but for some reason I feel naked. 

This gives him alarm. "Are you okay?" 

"Where am I?" 

"My room," he says. 

"How did I get here?" 

"I brought you here. The police showed up last night and everyone made a run for it. I grabbed a taxi and got us out of there. I don't know where you live so I brought you here. 

"My address is on my ID." 

He nods. "Yeah, I didn't think of that. I'm sorry." 

"Did we have sex?" 

That question really takes him off guard. "No!" It's almost a squeak. A pitch resembling my own. "No. I slept on the couch." 

I nod. That was nice of him. He didn't have to give me his bed. "Thank you." 

"You're welcome. My mom made breakfast if you're hungry." 

Shit. His mom knows I'm here? I nod because really I'm starving and there's no amount of pride that will prevent me from having food right now. 

I stumble out of the room. At least I'm no longer wearing those heels. I have no idea how I walked in those things after blacking out. As far as I'm concerned, girls are superheroes for putting up with those things. I make my way to the living room and his mom is standing there, shoveling eggs onto a plate. 

"There she is." She's a short and skinny woman with black hair. She has a smirk and I can tell she's probably a smart ass. "You look as bad as he does." 

I look at Matt and I doubt it. He does not look nearly as bad as I feel. I sit at the table in front of a beautiful plate of eggs and toast. His mom walks into the kitchen area and Matt sits across he table from me. 

His mom comes out with a glass of water and two pills. 

"Tylenol. You look like you could use some right now." She has a knowing smile on her face. 

I take both and down the pills with water. "Thank you." 

She takes a seat at the table and we all dig in. 

"Must've been a good party," his mom says. 

"It was fine, mom." Matt sounds embarrassed but for what I don't know. 

"I remember those days. That's what I love about living in this city. Your kids can go out and have fun and take a taxi or a subway home. You don't have to worry about anyone drinking and driving." She looks at me now. "I grew up in Ohio and let me tell you, it's amazing I'm still alive when I think about the dumb things I did." 

I smile and continue eating. 

"It was nice of Matt to bring you back here. Sounds like there was some trouble." 

I almost choke on a piece of toast but push it down. I look at Matt. "Yes! Thank you. I can't believe you did that for me." 

He looks down at his eggs. "Well, you were a little out of it. I couldn't just leave you there." 

I glance at his mom. She's beaming, a knowing smile on her face. "What a chivalrous young man I've raised." 

"Mom," he protests. 

"No, she's right," I say. "Thank you. That was really nice of you." 

He looks at me and smiles, his cheeks going a little red. "Don't mention it." 

We continue eating in silence. Finally his mom cuts in. 

"Matt tells me you're going to Hunter?" 

She sounds like my dad. I nod. 

"So you two will still be close." 

I look at her like I don't understand. 

"He's going to NYU. You're both staying in the city." 

"Oh, yes, that's right." I look at him. "Yeah, I guess we will be." I smile at him and he smiles back. 

The three of us finish our breakfast and his mom starts to clear the plates. 

"I should get going," I say. "I should get home before my parents flip out." 

"Yeah, of course," Matt says. 

"Thank you for taking care of me last night. That was really nice of you." 

He smiles down at his feet. "You're welcome." 

I walk back to the bedroom and grab my heels and put them on. I grab my purse off the night stand and make my way back to the living room. 

Matt and I stand at the front door, his mom doing dishes in the kitchen a couple feet away. I call out to her. "Thank you for breakfast." 

"Oh any time," she says back. 

I look to Matt. "Well, I should get going." 

He nods. "Yeah, sure." 

"Okay." 

We stare at teach other a moment. I nod and turn around for the front door. As I do, I see his mom shoot him a look I don't really understand. 

I hear him clear his throat. "Um, Ashley?" 

I turn back around. "Yeah?" 

He looks down at his feet again. "Would you like to maybe see like a movie or something sometime? You know, if you're free or anything." 

I smile at him. I realize I really mean what I'm about to say. "Yeah, I'd love to." 

He looks up at me, a look of relief and joy. "Great. Can I um...have your number? I'll text you and we can make plans." 

"Yeah, sure." He scrambles in his hung-over stupor for his phone. His mom clears her throat and I see her holding it out to him. I give him my number and he copies it into his phone. 

"Cool," he says. 

"Yeah, cool," I say. 

"Okay, well, talk to you soon." 

"Yeah, you too." 

I walk out into the hallway and make my way down the stairs. When I'm outside the building I stop and look up at the sky. It's a clear bright morning. My head hurts, my mouth is dry, and I'm about to make my first walk of shame in my new body, and you know what? I don't mind. I have an unexpected spring in my step. 

Maybe not every boy in Ashley's life is a complete asshole. I have a date. The first date someone has officially asked me out on. He seems nice. 

I think of my conversation with Wendy last night. Maybe I didn't completely lose her. She just needs time. I'm sure I'll hear from her again, when she's ready. 

I guess this is what I wanted. A clean slate. Well maybe not a completely clean slate. Sometime this week I have a date with Scooby-Doo, Mr. Matt Whatever-his-last-name-is. I'm sure Facebook can give me that information. It hasn't failed me yet. 

I think I'm going to be okay. 

I hold my head high and begin my walk of shame with pride. 

###



Know Thyself Ch. 04



Saturday was lost due to my massive hangover. I hobbled into my apartment to find my dad sitting at the table reading a newspaper. He gave me one look and shook his head, trying to suppress a smirk. I'm sure he could tell the moment he looked at me. I went to my room and slept, hoping I'd wake up a little more refreshed. I woke up much later in the day and felt slightly better, but not anything that would get me out of the house. I spent the rest of the day not doing much of anything. 

Sunday was wasted in much of the same way, though I felt significantly better. Matt had texted me to ask how I was feeling and I told him I was okay. We had a conversation about what movie to see and ended up deciding on some action flick. He was hoping we would go out that night but I told him I still wasn't feeling well, so we made plans for Tuesday. 

Now it's Monday and I figure I should reenter the world. When I wake up I notice there's a text I received in the morning from my dad. It reminds me that tonight his client is coming over for dinner, so I should be home. I text him back asking for a time and he tells me six-thirty this evening. Once again I have the entire day to myself. I feel a pang of hunger in my stomach and realize I need to eat something. I could cook but the thought of a bacon, egg, and cheese from the deli sounds way too enticing. I throw some clothes on and head out. 

The deli is only a couple blocks away. I now know Ashley's financial situation. She has a joint checking account with her dad and he deposits money into it every week. It's a small amount and I'm assuming it's considered an allowance. At what point are you too old for that? I'm not going to complain, it's my only source of income. Ben's parents never gave him money. The minute I turned eighteen they basically all but said "you're on your own kid!" Glad to see Ashley's parents aren't the same. 

I get to the deli and walk up to the food counter. The middle-eastern man behind the counter looks down at me from his raised position. Delis and pharmacies, they both have raised platforms. Why is that? It's weird, as if they need to look down on everyone. And of all people, a deli worker? I smirk to myself and the man behind the counter looks annoyed. 

"Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese," I ask the man. 

"What kind of bread?" 

"Roll." 

He starts making the sandwich and I stand and wait. There's no one else in here other than this man and the other middle-eastern man behind the cash register. It's ten o'clock right now, so I guess the morning breakfast rush has passed. I look at my phone and check my text messages. I know there aren't any new ones since it hasn't beeped, but I'm hoping there's something from Wendy I might've missed. Every time I think of her now I feel guilty. I really messed things up. It's hard to tell if she really was saying goodbye at Brian's party or if she meant what she said about contacting me once we're at school. 

Ugh, Brian. I almost forgot about him. To be honest, I wasn't really into him to begin with. Everyone kept telling me Ashley (the original one) was into him so I went with it. He turned out to be a complete asshole. Acting like I owed him something because he graced me with the presence of his cock. 

Asshole! 

This whole idea of sexual attraction has been so weird and confusing ever since I became Ashely and it hasn't been helped by the fact that most of the men I've interacted with have treated me like shit. This can't be what girls deal with all the time, can it? Is it possible that Ashley just surrounded herself with assholes? I guess that can't be the case. The only person from the original Ashley's life that's turned out bad was Brian. Everyone else have been people I've met. Unbelievable. 

Matt wasn't all that bad. 

Even in his drunken stupor he turned out to be a nice guy. When I woke up in his bed I almost lost it. I had no memory of how the previous night went. If he ended up having sex with me while I was blacked out I would've been so mad. The whole idea of having sex as a woman feels so weird to begin with. Knowing that it happened and not having a memory of it would make things worse. I mean, I should have a say in what happens to my body, right? If I'm not coherent enough to say I want it, you shouldn't do anything. 

Did Ben always do that? 

I don't know. I didn't have sex all that much as Ben. I think when it's all said and done, I've only had sex with four people my whole life. Thirty years old and I only had sex with four people. Is that too little? That's the problem with being a guy. People make it seem like in order to be a man, you need to have sex with as many people as possible. 

"People" don't tell you that, your penis does. 

God, I feel like I'm having an argument with myself. I used to think girls have it so good. People are constantly offering them sex and they get to pick and choose who they want. As a guy, I always had to wait and see who chose me. I used to think I'd love to be in a girl's shoes. I'd love it if people were constantly trying to have sex with me. Now I realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. I'd love it if people just left me alone. The thing I never realized is that when a guy you don't know is trying to have sex with you, it's like they stop seeing you as a person. If a guy is trying to get to know you that's different. Take Charles for instance, that creepy older man. That guy didn't give a shit about who I was. It's a weird feeling, for someone to look at me like I don't exist, just my body does. That's something I never felt as Ben. 

"Lady!" I look up and notice the man behind the deli counter holding my sandwich out to me. 

"Sorry." I shake my head trying to apologize, take my sandwich, and make my way to the cash register. The other middle-eastern man rings me up and I walk outside. 

"Ashley?" 

I turn around and see Stacey standing there. She walks up and gives me a hug. 

"What are you doing," she asks. 

I hold up the brown paper bag. "Breakfast." 

"Nice," she says as she nods. "How was the rest of the party?" 

"Fine, I guess. I kind of blacked out." 

She laughs. "Yeah, you were drinking whisky all night. I can't believe you did that." 

"In retrospect that was probably a bad idea. Where did you and Jen go?" I know the answer but I want to hear how she tells it. 

"Oh it got awkward, so we left." 

"How'd it get awkward?" 

She takes a breath and then looks me in the eye. "Okay, listen, you can't tell anyone this. Seriously, it's like top secret." 

"Sure." 

"Wendy said she wanted to talk to us, so we went outside and walked down the block to get away from the party." 

"Okay." I nod, pretending I don't know anything. 

"And...well...she like...came out to us?" She ends it with an up inflection but I know it's not a question. 

I don't say anything. 

"She told us she's a lesbian and has been for like, years." She pauses to gauge my reaction. 

"Yeah, I know." 

A look of shock hits her. "You knew?!" 

"Yeah. She told me too." 

"Like, that night or before that?" 

"Before." 

"Why didn't you ever tell us?!" 

I can see she's starting to get upset but I don't understand why. "It wasn't for me to tell. Why would I? Does it matter?" 

"Yeah it matters." 

"How come?" 

She thinks for a moment. I can see she doesn't have a reason, or at least she doesn't have one she wants to say. 

"I don't know," she begins. "It's just, weird you know?" 

I shake my head. "No, I don't know." 

She just stares at me. I can see I'm losing another one of Ashley's friends but I don't really care. 

"Look," she says. "It's not like I hate lesbians or anything-" 

"Just Wendy," I say, cutting her off. 

She pauses again, giving me an acidic look. "Why are you being such a bitch?" 

The memory of the man on the subway who told me to smile flashes in my head. I never realized how much that word really pisses me off. Bitch. 

"I was wondering the same thing about you." I'm so over trying to stay neutral with people. Maybe it's the fact that I don't really like this girl and have no history with her. I don't care how this ends. "You really hurt Wendy that night. She thought you and Jen were her friends and when she tells you something very personal, you ditch her and I'm the bitch?" 

"Oh I get it. So are you and her like a thing?" She pops her head to the side. 

I wish! 

She continues before I can say anything. "I heard what happened with you and Brian." 

"What did you hear?" 

"Heard you strung him along and when it came time to do something you chickened out." She has an annoying smirk on her face. "Prude. Either that or you're also a fucking dyke." 

I want to punch her in the face. My instincts say I can't punch a girl, but then again I am a girl. A girl is allowed to punch a girl. So you know what? Fuck it. 

I swing my right arm around and land a closed fisted punch right on her cheek. Even as Ben I had never thrown a punch in my life. I have horrible form and I involuntarily let up at the last moment. The punch lands and lands hard, but it's nothing to write home about. Stacey falls back a couple of steps and looks up at me with a combination of shock and vitriol. For a moment I think she's going to hit me back but then I see the cowardice kick in. 

"You are a fucking dyke." She gives me a nasty smirk like she finds my existence funny and then turns and walks away. 

I'm tempted to follow her but think better of it. I think punching her in the face is as far as I should go today. I can't believe I did that. I've never hit anyone before. I have twelve years of maturity on her, so I should know better. But come on, she deserved it! How can you be friends with someone for three years and then drop them just like that because they come out to you? You deserve to get punched in the face. 

I take my sandwich out of the bag, unwrap it, and take an aggressive bite out of it. This is now a victory bacon, egg, and cheese! I start walking home as I chow down. Right before I'm about to turn down my block I stop in my tracks. At the end of the next block I see someone but in the back of my mind I know it can't possibly be. The man is standing there in his all too familiar black jacket, blue jeans, and brown hair. He's looking away from me but I can tell who it is even from behind. Then the man turns around and the identity is confirmed. 

It's Ben. 

I mean me. I mean, the former me. It can't be. I cross the street and start walking towards him. He seems to be looking in my direction but I can't tell. He's at the end of the block so he's not that far away. He turns and starts walking down Broadway away from me. How is this possible? I'm Ben. I mean I'm Ashley as well but there can't be a Ben Telaney walking around. First off, he doesn't have a Facebook page. I know that's not the be all and end all of existence, but my parents are also listed as single. 

Maybe in this world they had Ben and then got divorced. 

Maybe Ben Telaney turned out to be one of those "off-the-grid" guys. A different sequence of events in life turned him into someone completely different from me. It sounds crazy in my head but then again so is switching bodies with an eighteen year old girl. 

He continues to walk down the street, his back to me. I try to catch up without letting him know I'm following. He crosses the street just as the signal changes to "Do Not Cross". A few cars start turning down the cross street, trapping me on the other side of the intersection. He walks to the end of the next block and puts his hand in the air to call a taxi. 

Shit, I'm going to lose him! 

The last car passes and I start walking again, or I should say half walking half running. Wunning. I get halfway down the block and a taxi pulls alongside him. As he opens the door he looks in my direction. I can't tell for sure, but I swear he smiles at me and nods his head. 

"Wait!" I yell out hoping he'll stop but he doesn't. He closes the door to the cab and it takes off just as I get there. I stand bewildered as the car takes off. Looking around, I can see there are no other taxis. Isn't that how it always works in the movies? Jump in the taxi and say "follow that cab!" I've never heard of anyone actually doing that but this would've been the perfect time to try. 

So Ben Telaney exists! 

Well, someone else is in Ben's body. It's got to be the real Ashley. Who else could it be? But if that's the case, why wouldn't he have stopped? If the real Ashley is in Ben's body, I'm sure she's just as confused as I am. Maybe he was coming to see his old home like I did, but why wouldn't he have stopped? It also begs the question of why now? The first day I woke up as Ashley I searched for my old self. Maybe Ben changed his profile to private but I know for sure Ashley's is public. If the real Ashley is trapped in Ben's body, why wouldn't she have tried to contact me? I mean he. I mean...I don't even know anymore. 

I could try to find him but I have no idea where he could be. He's not living in my old apartment and from the sound of it he never did. He's unemployed. Stanley Portfolios laid him off right before we switched bodies. 

Maybe they didn't. 

If everything is different now, maybe that's different too. Like in this world Ben Telaney didn't waste away in Customer Service but rose through the ranks. 

I get home and go to my room. I take out my phone and dial the number for Stanley Portfolios. I used to have a direct extension that I could use for personal contacts. We were discouraged from taking personal calls at work, but just in case there was an emergency someone could reach me on my direct line. I get the main switchboard and dial my extension. The phone rings a couple times and a male voice picks up, not Ben. 

"Stanley Portfolios," he answers. 

"Yes, hi. I'm looking for Ben Telaney. I thought this was his direct extension." 

"Oh sorry, you have the wrong one." 

"Can you tell me what his extension is then?" 

"One moment." 

I hear him clicking away on his computer, probably pulling up the company directory. I can still see all the screens in my head as he does. 

"I'm sorry," he begins. "There's no Ben Telaney here." 

"Are you sure? The last name is spelled T-E-L-A-N-E-Y." 

I hear some more clicking. "Sorry, nothing's coming up." 

I pause for a moment. Maybe he did get laid off. I doubt the company directory has been updated that quickly though. 

"Can I help you with anything else," he asks. 

"No. Thank you." 

"Have a nice day." 

I hang up the phone and sit there for a moment. So he never worked at Stanley Portfolios. That makes sense. If everything is different, if the sequence of events in his life has changed, maybe he never applied. But wait, this doesn't make sense. His life should be the same up until the moment we switched bodies. It's not like I have any of Ashley's old memories. Her life is exactly the same up until the moment I took over. So it only makes sense it worked the other way as well. The real Ashley must've woke up in my body the same way I did in hers. She must've had to piece together what Ben's life already was just like I had to do with hers. So she must've woke up as Ben Telaney, recently laid off from Stanley Portfolios, living in an over-priced studio apartment in Astoria, Queens. The only thing is, she didn't. Ben doesn't live in that apartment, there's no record of him at Stanley Portfolios, so how is there a physical Ben Telaney walking around? 

Am I sure that was Ben? 

I know what I look like. There's no way I confused him with someone else. It also doesn't make sense he would act like he's never seen me before if that was the real Ashley. She would immediately recognize her old self. 

Maybe he's living with his dad? 

On Facebook I saw my mom (my old mom) is living in her hometown of Baltimore. Her last name is the same since she always kept her maiden name. (Is it a maiden name if she never changed it? I never figured that out) But my dad is still living in the city. Although (and I don't know why I didn't notice this that first day), he's listed as living in "New York, NY". Usually only people who live in Manhattan put that. I grew up in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. People in Brooklyn will always list their location as "Brooklyn, NY". Did my dad ever do that? I can't remember what he listed his location as before I switched bodies. It's something I never thought to pay attention to. 

I can go there and see if he still lives there. The idea of traveling from Inwood to Bay Ridge is not something I'm excited about. That's one long subway ride. I need to do it though. If Ben never lived in his Astoria apartment, maybe it's because he never left his parents' house. Well, his dad's house. From what it sounds like on Facebook his mom never lived there. But then how does he even exist? 

My head hurts. 

I'm going to Bay Ridge. I have time, I don't need to be home until six-thirty. I clean myself up and throw on a pair of shorts and a tank top. It's ridiculously hot and humid outside and I now have the luxury of wearing as little clothing as possible. I've noticed though I don't sweat as much as I used to when I was Ben. It feels nice to get somewhere and not have to worry about having sweat stains all over my shirt. 

I get to the subway just as the train is coming in and hop on the A. In no time at all we're pulling into 59th Street and I get off so I can switch to the D train. Standing on the platform I can see what must be a sea of tourists. Every year the city fills with tourists in August. There's a group of guys who look to be in their twenties standing a few feet away from me. I can see them checking me out and making comments to themselves. From the sound of it they're all German, so I can't tell what they're saying. I look down at myself to make sure I don't have a stain on my clothes or my zipper down or something. It's always so hard to tell why people are looking at me. When I was Ben, no one checked me out. If someone was looking and then smiling at their friends it was usually because I had a big sweat stain or I spilled food on myself or something like that. Now I can't tell if they're checking me out or making fun of me. I turn away and try to ignore them. 

The D train rolls in and I quickly look for a seat. I find one next to two large men. Another advantage of being Ashley. Ben could never fit in this small of a space. When two large people sit down on the train, it usually takes up a third seat. Now I can squeeze my way in without making anyone uncomfortable. 

Sure enough the German boys stand and hold the pole that's right in front of me. I try to ignore them but I can feel their glances. Suddenly I see a hand in front of me and I look up. They're staring down at me, all smiles. 

"Hey. You are cute," one of them says through a thick German accent. 

I force a smile. "Thanks," I say as I look down again. 

"You want...uh...come with us." 

I look up again and see his two friends chuckling behind him. 

What is wrong with people? I mean seriously, if you really want me to hang out with you, why are you laughing? It feels so uncomfortable. Are they laughing at me? Did I do something stupid? 

"No thanks," I say as I shake my head and look away again. 

"Why not?" The boy won't give up. 

I don't answer him and pretend to be looking down the train car at something else. 

"Hey...hey." 

I look at him. 

"You have fun with us." 

I look at the people around me. The two big men sitting on either side glance at me and then look away. The other people around all try to avoid my stare as I look at them. Why won't anyone say anything? Haven't I made it clear that I don't want to talk to these men?