25 comments/ 15596 views/ 25 favorites What Now, Dad? By: Thucydides After I emptied my wife's ashes into the Pacific I climbed to the top of the rocks and sat for a long time, just staring out to sea. The Fourth of July camping trip to Kalaloch, the beautiful beach on the west edge of Olympic National Park, had been a family tradition since the boys were small. It held many happy memories, and when the damn cancer finally got the best of her I decided it was the best place to dispose of what little was left of her mortal remains. It had been a long couple of years: it was the type of cancer that usually isn't diagnosed until it's too far advanced to cure, and while she had cheerfully submitted to any treatment that offered a hope of living long enough to watch her boys grow up we knew it was only a matter of time. "Dad? You all right?" That's my boys for you: even though I knew their hearts were breaking as well their first thought was of me. Of course, I was all they had now, and I had to keep functioning to preserve any sense of security they had left. I shook my head. "Yeah, I'm OK, buddy. Just thinking." I climbed down. "Come here, guys." Even as teenagers, they weren't too proud to share a group hug at a hard time. I guess we did something right. Lord knows we had no idea what we were doing as parents, but we kept trying and doing our best and the boys- one now in high school and the younger in junior high- seemed to be turning out pretty well. "Now what, Dad?" "You guys hungry?" Dumb question: teenage boys are always hungry. "If I make spaghetti tonight are you guys going to do the dishes?" "Aww...OK." So we started back to the campsite and I fired up the old Coleman white gas stove. Old fashioned, but I had learned to operate one at about age six and I was comfortable with it. The boys started yawning soon after the dishes were done and drifted off to the trailer. I sat for a while, staring into the fire and nursing the one glass of Scotch that was all I allowed myself. Hiding from my grief in a bottle would be a bottomless pit. The question from that afternoon still echoed. "Now what, Dad?" Hell if I knew. I had spent the last twenty years devoted to my little family. Now my wife was dead, my kids were starting to leave the nest, and what was I going to do with the rest of my life? What did it matter? "Uh, excuse me..." I turned. A slender figure was standing at the edge of the firelight. "Good evening." "Hi. Uh, do you know much about those Coleman stoves?" "Some. What's up?" "We can't get ours to work and it's getting late. Could you come take a look?" I stood and drained my glass. "Sure." I tapped on the side of the trailer and spoke. "Guys, I'm going down the road for a few minutes. Be right back." I got a couple sleepy grunts and a grumble from the German Shepherd who was their constant companion and guardian. His thick fur had absorbed more than its share of tears over the last six months. "My name's Eric.' "Oh, hi, I'm Kate." At her campsite there were a couple other women about her age- somewhat younger than me- and no husbands or kids in evidence. They were grouped around the picnic table. "What's going on?" The woman had a bit of an accent that I couldn't place. "Ve keep pumping this thing and not getting any pressure. It von't light." "Well, that's usually the pump..." I pulled my Leatherman off my belt and extracted the air pump from the stove. "I need some thick oil. Any kind will do." "Cooking oil?" "Let's try that." I poured a thin stream of corn oil over the pump seals and then reinserted the pump in the stove. When I gave it a couple strokes it definitely felt like it was pushing air. "You have to keep those seals well oiled or they leak. Try it now." She gave it a couple strokes and grinned. "That feels better. You're not going to finish?" "Hey, I got it working! Why do I have to pump it fifty or sixty times on top of that?" They laughed and got to work, and had their dinner bubbling on the stove in short order. "You want some?" "I just ate, actually." "How about a glass of wine?" I can stretch a point for social reasons. "Sure." They pulled out a good bottle of Columbia Valley Cabernet and poured glasses all round. "To life!" "And independence!" What the hell, I could find out the details later. I joined in. Over dinner, I found out that Kate was a professor of English at one of the local colleges. The gal with the accent was South African and teaching on an exchange with the same college. Kate and a couple of her colleagues had decided to bring her camping to see the matchless Northwest wilderness while college was out for the summer. Cool women all around. The conversation flowed for quite a while, with Kate and I monopolizing most of it. Suddenly Emma, the South African, spoke up. "Hey, doesn't your vife wonder where you are?" "Wife?" "You wear no ring, but we can all see where it was. Where's your wife?" I had to get used to this sometime, but tonight wasn't the night I wanted to do it. "It's not an issue." The other woman spoke up. "When was the divorce final?" I sighed. "No divorce. My sons and I scattered her ashes in the ocean this afternoon. Cancer." I felt Kate's hand taking mine to rub over the mark where my wedding ring had been for the last twenty years. "Lucky you." "Lucky? How the hell am I lucky? I watched the woman I loved waste away and die from a disease she had no risk factors for. What's lucky about that?" "My husband rejected me. Said that a woman who couldn't have children wasn't a real woman, and he deserved better than that. We're celebrating the finalization of the divorce." I couldn't help it. "ASSHOLE!" They looked at me in shock. "Kate, you're all woman and a damned fine specimen of one, if you'll excuse my saying so. From what I remember there was something in the marriage service about 'for better and for worse, in sickness and in health'. If he couldn't live up to the promises he made that's his shortcoming, not yours. He's not a real man." She smiled. "I like your perspective. Feels a lot better than what I've been through recently." I shrugged. "It's just one man's opinion, and it's worth what you paid for it. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned about honor, but it makes sense to me." The conversation drifted on. I didn't notice when the other two went to bed, but before long it was just Kate and I talking in the firelit darkness. We covered the relative merits of Shakespeare's comedies and Paris vs. London as travel destinations, argued politics gently, and worked in a lot of personal history in between. She was a smart lady with a terrific sense of humor and good reasons for her opinions, whether I agreed with them or not. She also appeared to have green eyes and a cute smile, both of which I'm a sucker for. Eventually she yawned. "My God, look at the time! I didn't mean to keep you up all night." "It's not like I had a whole lot else going on." I walked to the edge of the campsite, and she went with me. At the road I pulled her into a hug. "Don't let that idiot ruin your self respect, Kate. You're a terrific woman, and if I was ready to deal with another woman right now I'd be all over you. Assuming you'd want a big dumb ox like me anyhow." "Don't sell yourself short. Decent guys aren't all that common. Calling yourself dumb won't fool me for a second, either." I went to kiss her on the forehead, and I think she was aiming for my cheek. Somehow our lips met in the middle. I froze- this was just more than I could deal with that night. "I'm sorry, Kate. I wasn't trying to do that." "Don't apologize, Eric. Did you hear me complain?" She freed herself gently. "Don't move a bit." I stood frozen as she went to her pack, pulled something out, scribbled on it, and returned, pushing whatever it was into my shirt pocket. "I know you're not ready for anything. Maybe I'm not either. When you are, I want to be sure you know how to find me. Hold still." She stood on tiptoe. The innocent kiss on my cheek drifted down my neck before she dropped to her natural height and stood back. "Don't lose my number." I wandered back to my campsite feeling more than a little dazed. Kate was an attractive woman, but I wasn't ready to do anything about it. The next six months were a blur. I got up every morning and went through the motions of doing what I needed to do without any real interest in life. Work was OK- I couldn't think about how much life sucked and run a software consulting company at the same time- but I dreaded nighttimes when I had nothing to do but miss Kristen. As time went by, though, the waves of grief became less frequent, and I was able to think about more than getting through the day. There had been a wave of women checking up on me at the beginning, but most of them drifted off. The more persistent ones were single mothers looking for a new husband/father figure. Hard to blame them, but I wasn't ready to commit to anything like that yet. Call me selfish if you like, but I had been through a lot and was ready to take it easy. Taking it easy would have been a lot more fun with a woman to do it with, though. Toward the end of the semester I had to go to my younger son's school to do a planning meeting for the next year- one of those chores I had never had to do when Kristen was alive. Afterward, his history teacher caught me in the hallway. "Mr. Johnson, I know you've had a hard year, and I admire how hard you're working to help your boys. If you ever need to talk, even outside of school, feel free to call me." She handed me her card with her personal cell number on the back and walked off. At dinner that night, the boys were all over it. "So, Dad, you going to call Ms. DeMaine?" "I don't need another woman wanting to comfort me." Chris smirked. "Wake up, Dad, she wants to comfort your schlong." "Say anything like that again and you're grounded. You know better than to talk about a teacher that way. Besides, I must be twenty years older than her. She's a nice, pretty woman, but I don't see any point in that." They looked at each other. "Dad, you suck at being single. You need a woman in your life. Maybe not Ms. DeMaine, but I wish I had the chicas after me the way they're after you. Why don't you give it a try?" "Because I still miss your mom and I haven't been on a first date in about twenty-five years. The Internet, texting, and Match.com didn't exist back then. I have no idea how to do this in the modern world." "You're not getting anywhere hanging around here grouching at us." "How many women are looking for a widower with two pain in the ass teenage boys?" "You'll never know unless you try it." I didn't give it a lot of thought- my boys always have something to say and 99% of the time it's useless- but a few weeks later I was sorting out my camping stuff and found a business card. "Katherine Halvorsen, Professor..." The words brought back a memory of a small blonde smelling like wood smoke and Arpege. Maybe calling a woman wasn't such a terrible idea. I gave it a try. "Hello?" "Uh, hi. Dr. Halvorsen?" "I already announced that I'm not granting any more extensions on term papers." "I finished my degree long ago. This is Eric Johnson. I don't know if you remember, but we met at Kalaloch last summer." "Oh, the stove whisperer! Sorry, it's a bad time of year." "Your card says 'Professor of English.' That's not real believable if that piece of crap is your favorite book." "Not hardly, I'm more of a Restoration girl. What's up?" "I found your card in my camping gear and wanted to see if you're free for dinner." "Of course. Saturday?" "Great." The boys naturally had to give me a hard time about going on my first date in some twenty five years. "Dad, that tie is lame. Who wears a tie these days? And why the flowers?" "It's how we did things in my day. Shut up, I'm nervous enough already." Kate seemed to appreciate the flowers when I found her old house just off campus. "Oh, these are beautiful! You didn't need to do that! Come on in and let me put these in water." "I'm pretty rusty at dating. I hope I'm not being too old fashioned." "Believe me, I'm charmed by old fashioned men." She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as she searched her kitchen for a vase. "OK, ready!" "You like sushi?" "Love it. Let's go." We fell into an easy conversation on the way that never slowed down until I took too much wasabi at once and sputtered, my eyes watering, and she laughed herself sick. I had nearly forgotten the fun of being able to relax and talk to someone close to my own age about nothing in particular- even better when the person in question is a pretty, bright woman. I was fascinated by the laugh lines around Kate's green eyes- we're at an age where your approach to life starts to show in your face. Eventually I checked my watch. "Hey, we should get going if we're going to make that movie." "Dinner and a movie? You really are old fashioned at this, aren't you?" "Hey, I warned you it's been a long time. You have a better idea?" "What if we just went for a walk?" "Fine with me." We ended up taking the long route around her college campus. She grabbed my arm on a rough patch, and somehow forgot to let go. It was actually pretty fun just wandering and chatting. Before I knew it we were back at her door. She looked up at me with an impish grin. "Are you too old fashioned to kiss a girl good night on a first date?" "Not if the girl's up for it." "Mmm, let me think about that..." She wasn't as tall as Kristen had been, but I found that she wasn't out of kissing range. She melted into my arms, and if my kissing technique was out of practice hers more than made up for it. "Thanks, Eric. For dinner and the kiss. It's good to feel like a real woman again." "You've never been anything less, Kate. See you next weekend?" "Absolutely. Call me." One quick kiss and she closed the door firmly behind her. The boys were all over me the next morning at breakfast. "Yes, she's pretty. Yes, I like her. Yes, there was a little kissing. That's all you need to know for now. Go get your swimming gear together- we need to leave in fifteen to make the meet on time." As luck would have it, Christopher's meet the next weekend was out of town and Steve wanted to sleep over at a friend's house. I didn't get many weekends to myself, and wasn't going to waste this one. I called Kate and made plans to take her out for a really nice dinner at a waterfront French restaurant. The conversation over dinner flowed as easily as the last time. Toward the end of the main course I started talking about my sons, and she got a little quiet. "Does it bother you that I can't have children?" "Not hardly. I've been there, done that, and got the T-shirt. I'm too old to start again from scratch. Anyhow, I got snipped after the second kid. I'm not going to have any more either." Her eyes took on a strange light. "And one woman in the last twenty five years, which means no strange diseases, right?" "Right. You?" "Same here. Isn't that convenient?" Her hand found mine and her fingers wrapped around my middle finger, moving suggestively. "What do you say we have dessert back at my place?" "Uh, sure. GARCON! L'ADDITION, S'IL VOUS PLAIT!" I stiffened as we hit her bed- and not in the right places. I wanted to touch her but didn't know where to start. "You OK, Eric?" "Look, I've only done this with one woman in the last twenty-five years, and that kind of fell apart when she got sick. I think you're incredibly sexy, but I'm kind of rusty at it." She sat up and hugged me. "There's no right or wrong here. There's just enjoying being with someone you like and exploring what makes each other feel good. You're not married and there's nothing wrong with us doing this. Stop worrying and kiss me." I kissed her lips, then I kissed some other things, and before long she was naked and gasping and wiggling under me. "Stop teasing, Eric! DO ME!" Her legs gripped me, and I found that there was at least one thing I could still find just fine. It was different, sure, but still felt very, very good. Kate was a moaner where Kristen had been more of a screamer, but she made plain that she was enjoying the hell out of what we were doing. About 3:00 AM I flopped on my back, exhausted. "What are you trying to do, kill me? I haven't done that three times a night since college!" "It was five times for me, so stop complaining." Kate made herself comfortable with her head on my chest and spoke quietly. "It's been a long time for me too. When you're trying to get pregnant sex gets to be a chore- trying to do it at the right time, right temperature, charting it- it's no fun. Then, when we found out it was me that had the problem, that was basically the end of my marriage. Who wants to have sex when you can hardly speak a civil word to each other?" She wiggled a little higher and kissed me. "With you, we're doing this because we like each other and enjoy it. I trust you, Eric. I know that whatever happens you're not going to make me regret this. No pressure, no worries, I can just be myself and have fun with this big good looking guy I'm slightly crazy about. Is it any wonder I'm going a little wild?" I hugged her to me and kissed her deeply. "I'm kind of crazy about you too, Kate. In and out of bed. And you're right, I'd never knowingly do anything to make you sorry about being with me. " I got in the habit of calling her every time I had a free weekend, and taking her out every chance I got even if the boys were around. The simple pleasures of hanging out with another adult- and the even more basic pleasures we indulged in every chance we got- made the world a brighter place for both of us. One evening we were out for a walk again. As we got back to he front door she grew quiet, and finally spoke. "You know, Eric, sometimes I wonder if this is just too convenient." "What do you mean?" "When we met, we had both been through some real crap in our lives. Being with you makes me feel about a thousand percent better. Are we doing this because we're both lonely, though, or is it more than that?" "One of the things I've learned through all this is that all we have is today. We can't change the past, and we don't know what's in the future. I sure didn't expect all that's happened to me in the last few years. I know that today you make my life a hell of a lot better, and I hope I do the same for you. If I ever become a negative, feel free to kick me to the curb. Or were you expecting a better offer?" "That's not what I meant! You really are a great guy, Eric. I mean, Craigslist is full of men looking for barren divorcees pushing forty, but somehow I think that you're a good deal for me." "Damn it, Kate, stop selling yourself short! I never thought I would say this to a woman again, but I'm more than a little in love with you. Since you brought it up, I could easily go to some dating site and find, say, a twenty three year old yoga instructor with daddy issues if I wanted one. May not be fair but it's true. I want a real woman I can relate to on more than a physical level, and I think you're that woman. Or is this the 'where is this relationship going' conversation?' "I don't know. It's too early for me to ask that. I don't want to lose myself in the fun of being with you." "Come here." The hug was slow and long, and the kiss was equal parts sexy and sweet. "Kate, I'm not some idiot playboy. I wouldn't make this effort if I didn't honestly have some strong feelings for you. Trust me, trust your own feelings, and this will work out." What Now, Dad? "And if I feel like shagging you senseless right now?" "Trust your feelings." My sons were getting curious about the situation too. "So, dad, when are we going to meet this girlfriend of yours?" My older son sneered. "Haven't you caught on, Steve? He pretends to have a girlfriend to keep real women away from him. She doesn't really exist." "The hell she doesn't!" "Why haven't we ever met her, then?" "The rule I heard is that you should be dating someone for at least six months before they meet your kids. There's still time left on that." "Dad, we're not little kids. We're not going to go nuts about your love life." "You sure? It's been a hard year already." "We're sure, Dad." I invited Kate to the swim meet the next weekend and out for pizza afterward with the boys. For all their talk about being ready for this, they were pretty reserved and awkward when it came to actually meeting Kate. She got them talking about swimming, though, and eventually they got so interested in the conversation that they forgot to be awkward about Kate and me. As the months went on, she became more of a routine fixture. Eventually she started coming over to the house on a regular basis. Thor's reaction to her was interesting. My German Shepherd recognizes two kinds of people in the world: to his family and friends he's a big, lovable goofball. Anyone else he's ready to kill if they threaten anyone in the first group. Not mean as much as very protective. When Kate first came in my door she walked right up to him, rubbed his ears and told him how handsome he is. The big dope ate it up and rolled on his back for a belly rub. From that moment on, I think he loved Kate more than me. My boys were still his first love, of course, but she ran a close second. Anyone who wins the trust of my dog that fast has to be a good person. One night Kate was sitting at my kitchen island, sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio and watching me whip up a batch of paprika chicken for dinner. Steve wandered in. "Hey, Dad, could you read over my English paper?" Kate spoke up. "Can I help? Your dad has his hands full and I'm an English professor." No one does snotty like a teenager. "I'd rather have my PARENT do it." I glared. "That's no way to talk to a guest! She's trying to help you! What's your problem?" Steve looked abashed- he really is a good kid at heart. "I'm sorry, Dr. Halvorsen. It's just that I really miss my mom and having someone else here feels weird." Kate spoke before I could. "Look, I know I can't replace your mom and I would never try. I really like your dad, though, and I think you're a pretty cool kid. I hope we can at least be friends." "I guess we could try that." Steve stuck out his hand, his chin trembling a little. I could see Kate fighting the urge to hug him, but she held herself back and took his hand. "Friends, then?" "Friends." "So can I read your English paper until your dad has time to do it?" "Well, OK." By dinner time they had his paper whipped into shape to the point that I didn't actually need to read it. I went to say good night to Steve after Kate went home. "Does Kate being around bother you that much, little man?" "She's really nice. It's weird seeing someone else here, though." "I don't believe that anyone has a limited amount of love in their hearts. Liking Kate doesn't mean that you love your mom any less. Wouldn't she want to be sure you're taken care of?" "You do a good job of taking care of us, Dad. Why do we need Dr. Halvorsen?" "I try, but it's not easy. Having someone my own age to hang out with helps me keep my head straight." "You do get grouchy a lot less since you started dating her." "Maybe Kate's good for all of us, then. Can you give her a chance?" "I'll do my best." Two weeks later he stormed into the house waving a piece of paper. Kate and I looked up from shucking green peas out of our garden. "Dad, I got my first A in English! Look!" "Nice work, bud, but I don't get the credit." "Right, thanks, Mo...uh, Dr. Halvorsen!" Kate had tears in her eyes, and didn't fight the urge to hug him this time. "You can call me that any time you want, buddy. I would be honored to be one of your moms." He was kid enough to squirm. "Can I have more than one?" "No kid has too many grownups that love him. Of course you can." Chris glared now. "He already has a mom, and she hasn't been gone a year yet!" "We're never going to forget her, but it's OK to have other adults love you guys too." "I don't need it! I'm late for swim practice." He stormed out the door. I was pissed, but Kate put a hand on my arm. "Give him some time to adjust. He's been through a lot of changes recently." As time went by Chris did get more friendly toward Kate, but still had that touch of reserve. He never felt a need to hug her, and certainly never called her "mom" by mistake. When he went off to college at the UW, the atmosphere around the house sometimes seemed lighter. As the months passed, Kate and I started talking more and more about getting married. It seemed like the logical next step. We knew we were crazy about each other and spent more time together than apart, but we also were both pretty set in our ways. Kate owned her house near campus and didn't want to give it up. We decided on a long, low key engagement, hoping that we all could use the time to adjust to a new family arrangement. Eventually, though, the long planned date rolled around. At the rehearsal dinner, Kate called Christopher over. She had a slim, pretty girl with her. "Chris, this is Anne, my head TA. She's a junior English major. Anne, Chris here is about to be my stepson. He's a senior in aeronautical engineering at UW." Christopher's eyes bulged. Anne had long chestnut hair, big blue eyes, and a smile like a toothpaste ad that she was using full force on my son. I personally thought her miniskirt could have used a few more inches of fabric, but Chris obviously thought she looked more than fine the way she was. She extended a small hand and spoke in a quiet, musical voice. "Hi, Chris." His voice broke. "Urk, uh, glad to meet you." "So, Chris, tell Anne about that hovercraft competition." Anne smiled gamely. "That sounds interesting. What is it?" Kate made sure the conversation was running smoothly and then suggested that they go get some refreshments. I pulled Chris back and whispered. "Remember, the key to talking with a girl is to listen to her talk about herself. And James Bond wouldn't let his tongue hang out like that. Calm down." His eyes hadn't left Anne's tight skirt and long smooth legs, but he was listening. "Got it, Dad, I'm not fourteen any more." "Could have fooled me. Good luck." I released him and he shot after Anne like a heat seeking missile. I nudged Kate. "That's quite a bribe there." She punched me. "It's not like that! I probably would have invited her one way or the other, and I figured they'd both have a better time with someone their own age here." "And the fact that she looks like a Victoria's Secret model with clothes on is just a coincidence?" "Look, Anne's a sweet, quiet, intellectual girl whose looks intimidate nice guys and attract douchebags. If you haven't noticed, your son is a handsome, charming young man. You and Kristen raised him well. They should have a good time together for the wedding, and if they decide to pursue it further it wouldn't be a bad deal for either of them." "And if he acts sullen about his dad getting remarried the hottest girl he's ever met will never speak to him again?" Kate winked. "He really is a good kid. But now that you mention it, he probably will be on his best behavior." Chris found me toward the end of the evening. "Uh, Dad, can I borrow your car? I'm taking Anne back to her dorm." "Where's your truck?" He gave me a pleading look. "Oh. OK, here's the keys. Where's your truck?" "Behind the cart shed." "Charming. You might want to clean the lipstick off your jaw." Chris blushed and scrubbed at himself before he caught the look in my eye. "Damn it, Dad, you got me again!" "It's going to take you some practice to outsmart the old man. Just be safe." He looked down. "It's not like that, Dad. Anne's, I don't know, something special." "I know that feeling. No pressure, but take it slow and get to know her." Somehow I ended up having to drive Kate home in a ten year old Toyota pickup half full of hovercraft parts. "So, how did I get so lucky to get a ride in this thing?" "Your fault. You introduced Chris to Anne." "So?" "He's driving the girl of his dreams home, and figured a Saab convertible would look better than this beast." "He's right. Didn't take him long, did it?" "He seems to really like her." "No kidding. They each managed to whisper their thanks for the introduction at some point tonight." The next day Anne and Chris managed to sit next to each other throughout the ceremony, and spent most of the reception together either on the dance floor or talking in an out of the way corner. They left together and neither was seen again for the rest of the weekend. That brings us to tonight- Kate and I watching our first grandkid doze in her crib at our Kalaloch campsite while Chris and Anne were taking a late night walk on the beach. If they ended up doing anything else I don't need to know about it. A young married couple should make the most of any break they can get from parenting duties and Kate and I love hanging out with little Kristen. "What now, Dad?" Well, you never know what the future may hold, but right now it looks pretty damn good.