17 comments/ 18966 views/ 5 favorites The Colour of Silence By: past_perfect With the snow returned the dreams about you. The white innocence was a quasi mockery of my pain, glossing everything over but the loss, the empty space beside me that I thought could never be filled again. It made everything look pristine and like a coherent whole; covering the shambles of my life. White is the colour of silence.Red is the colour of pain. Arriving at Heathrow half an hour late, confused and jet-lagged, scanning the crowd for you and Steven, but you had not been there. Our then manager Pete, six feet tall, a bear of a man, hugging me with an upset expression on his face in unbearable silence. Then telling me that you both had vanished from my life, in an instant, in a moment of inattentiveness when the other driver had bent down to retrieve his can of lager, crashing head-on into your car. I pictured it, although my eyes have never seen your bruised face bleeding into the pristine snow under your overturned car, calling out to me in agony, until all that was left was silence. At the same time I was sitting behind the drum kit, carefree and overjoyed by the knowledge that this was the last concert of our tour; that I would return into your arms thereafter. On the black days, everyone told me that they felt my pain. The more experienced ones said it would always be with me, but fade in time. They were wrong. It was as fresh as it had always been, as fresh as the falling snow. Four years had passed, but the silence was still there. Steven would be twelve now and could have joined me on my climb up the snow-covered peaks of the Scottish highlands. You were always too scared of heights, but he was taking after his father in that respect. I hadn't listened to the weather report. The blizzard-like snowfall took me by surprise. There was a shelter not far from here; I had seen it on one of my previous ascents. The icy wind and the thick snow was blinding me, I stumbled and fell, slipped down the slope and bumped my right leg painfully into a rock. Of course it was madness to attempt this ascent alone and with minimal gear. Of course I knew that there was a good chance to die. Maybe it was an attempt at suicide, trying to tempt fate to reunite me with you. In the first year after you'd been gone, I had taken so many drugs that it was a miracle that I survived, until Simon interfered and got me to agree to therapy. Had it worked? I had not taken any drugs since, left the band, left everything I knew behind, sold our house in Scotland and just kept the flat in London. The numbness and emptiness remained. The sharp edges of the rock had cut through my trousers. Red mingled with white. I could have tried to get up and reach the shelter. What for? The memory of your smile and Steven's mischievous grin appeared on the white canvas, which slowly engulfed me, making me part of the wild and soothing landscape. I would have smiled back, but my face was frozen. My eyes closed as I felt life seeping out of me. --- "He is opening his eyes." A face appeared out of nowhere in my field of view. A bearded fellow wearing an expression of relief and concern. "There we go. Can you understand me?" "Yes." "We found you on the eastern slope and have carried you to the shelter. Judging by the little gear you were carrying you cannot have been alone. Can you tell me where your climbing partner or party is? When did you get separated?" "No, I was ... alone." The bearded man shook his head and glanced over to a woman who arrived in front of my bunk, carrying a cup of hot tea. "And you said I was crazy to attempt this ascent ... " "That is not important now." She had an astonishingly deep and sonorous voice for such a small person. Her green eyes probed mine as she handed me the cup. The bearded man continued his interrogation. "Are you in pain? The wound on your leg looks nasty. You have lost a lot of blood. I am no good at first aid, neither of us is, but I think it might be broken also." I tried to move my leg a little. It hurt, but not as much as it would have when broken. "Nah, I think it's ok." The green eyes fixed on mine before she asked the question I didn't want to hear. "Why didn't you get up then?" "Long story." The bearded man's face darkened. "Looks like we have a lot of time on our hands, so you can tell us all about it when you feel like it. No mobile reception up here, I'm afraid. Looks like we are stuck for the time being. If the blizzard continues like that, we might actually spend Christmas in this place. I will go outside and try to get in as much firewood as I can gather before everything is snowed under. You rest and come to your senses. I am William by the way, and that is my little sister Julie." "Neil." "Pleased to make your acquaintance Neil. I leave you to Julie's tender care then." With those words he left the shelter and rummaged outside of it, swearing and moaning. Julie came over to the bunk bed with a bowl of hot water and some pieces of cloth. "There is a first aid kit in here, but I have to clean your wound first. Can you take off your trousers please?" I struggled to follow her wishes and eventually she helped me, as the trousers clung to my leg, where blood had clotted around the wound. The injured leg looked almost blue. Julie's eyes widened in trepidation. "Oh dear, I hope that is just from the cold and not blood poisoning or something." She cleaned the wound very carefully and then dressed it with some bandages she had found in the first aid kit. The gash was deep and still bleeding a little, but I felt astonishingly little pain. "Maybe I should massage your thigh a little to increase the blood circulation, what do you think? Or is that going to make your wound bleed more?" "Try it. I think the colour is really just coming from the cold." William came back in with some logs he had found outside, put them close to the fireplace and then came over to have a look at Julie's handiwork. "You should massage his leg a little to get his circulation going again." "I was about to." "Good, I get some more wood. Are you feeling all right Neil? I have some Scotch in my backpack if the pain gets too bad." "It's all right, I don't feel that much." He disappeared again with a satisfied nod. Julie started massaging my thigh muscles, quite expertly so, which made the colour change gradually. "Oh, look it is working." She sounded positively chuffed and continued more vigorously thereafter. The pain increased slightly, but it didn't look like there was a lot of blood coming out of the wound, as there were just a few red dots on the white bandage. She could have stopped, as my leg looked the same as the other one colour-wise, but she didn't. The increased blood flow didn't stop at my legs. It had been four years that I had allowed any woman to touch me. As weird and embarrassing as it was in that situation, I felt blood rushing elsewhere, forming a little tent in my briefs. Of course, she noticed it. Her hands did not leave my thigh, but stroked instead of digging into my muscle now, slowly trailing up to the seam of my briefs and quickly retreating when the door was opened again and William wedged himself in with a pile of firewood on his shoulders. "Can you give me a hand Julie?" She nodded and quickly helped me pulling up my trousers, before assisting her brother with the logs. After informing him about her successful ministrations, she joined him outside to get more wood in. The blizzard hadn't abated and the likelihood that we would have to spend not only the night but perhaps a few days in the shelter was growing exponentially with that. William's prediction that we would spend Christmas here was becoming also more realistic. It was the 22nd December. The evening reached us exhausted and a little tipsy from the Scotch William handed around. He talked a lot about himself, mountaineering and photography, as this was not only his avocation but apparently also his passion. To my surprise, Julie filled him in, when I evasively told them that I had been a musician and was currently not doing anything. She knew who I was, even owned up to have been a fan of our band, when I was still a member. She was a primary school teacher, but was rather quiet and reticent about her life, so most of the time it was William talking. There were four bunk beds in the shelter and after I returned from a quick stroll outside to answer a call of nature, I found William already asleep in the lower one closest to the fire, while Julie put a few more logs in the fire to keep it going during the night. I had sunk in the snow outside and my trousers were wet up to my knees. "Better take those off and dry them here beside the fire." William started snoring while I followed her advice, feeling strangely tense and mildly aroused. "Let me have a quick look at the wound before we turn in." I sank down on the other bunk and observed her taking off the bandage, carefully changing the patch of gauze and then putting it back on again. "Looks good, as far as I can tell. Are you in pain?" "Not that much." "You might be a little cold without your trousers on. Hang on." She climbed up to the upper cot and returned with a woollen blanket. "But then you don't have any." "There is another one in the bunk above William's. And I thought we could use this one together." With those words she quickly took off one of her sweaters and her trousers, joining me in my bunk before I could protest, climbing over me, so that she rested on my left side opposite the wounded leg. She snuggled up to me, burying my left leg under hers, still covered by a thick tights. The warmth of her body was sending shockwaves of delight and anxiousness throughout my body. William's snoring was getting louder and fiercer. "Now you know why I am not keen on doing overnight trips with him. I hope you can sleep with that noise. Are you comfy?" "Yes." Comfy wasn't exactly how I felt though. Truth be told, I was petrified. I felt her soft breasts pushing against my side and her left thigh had moved up dangerously close to the bulge that had formed in my briefs again. Her left arm rested on my chest. I avoided looking at her, but I felt her gaze on me. The room was lit by the fire, flaring up in between, near in unison with the waves of awkward arousal I felt. Almost in slow motion, her hand trailed down from my chest to my belly, reaching over to my hip, her elbow coming in contact with my now palpably swollen dick. I had not been with a woman for four years, had not even masturbated, as all I could think about was you, and it would have been too painful to enjoy. I turned my head to face Julie, looking straight into her calm and slightly flushed face. Her hand started wandering again, turning inwards to my belly, then downwards, tentatively first, but with some determination. I held my breath, when she slowly traced the outline of my manhood over my briefs. She moved her head closer to my mine, until we were but an inch apart, while her hand went up again and then delved into my briefs, clasping my knob and turning it upwards. I closed my eyes, when she squeezed and rubbed it with her small hand, feeling her somewhat irregular breath on my face. She reached down further to cup and play with my balls, causing a full blown erection in the process. Julie's hand tugged on my briefs and I opened my eyes again and assisted her in pulling them down. She rubbed her leg along mine and I could feel some heat emanating from the heart of her femininity through the tights. The snoring had stopped all of a sudden, and like children caught doing something naughty, we both froze, listening breathlessly into the silence that was quickly broken by some grunts and then the sounds of William turning in his bunk. A minute later, the now familiar cover of his snoring allowed us to proceed. She gingerly brushed her face against mine, as her tiny hand clasped the shaft of my aching member. She slowly moved it up and down while our lips met in a soft unhurried kiss. I turned slightly onto my left side and traced her back and her hips with my right hand. Her ministrations became more intense and I couldn't help but groaning and sighing into her ear. My left arm was wedged under my body, but I had enough freedom of movement to fondle her thighs with my left hand; not enough to get up between her legs though. She really yanked hard on my dick now, locking me into a passionate kiss at the same time, and the years of abstinence predictably hastened the inevitable. I withdrew from her lips to alert her to the impending opening of the floodgates, but it was too late already and I felt my whole body shaking and tensing as I came, leaving a sticky mess on both our bodies and the woollen blankets. She ignored that fact completely and pressed herself closer to me, kissing me softly and stroking my hair. We lay motionless for a few minutes, in a state of suspended animation, quiet and strangely fulfilled, until I felt I should return the favour and turned her on her back. I propped myself up on my left arm and roamed her body with my right hand, finding one wet patch after the other on her clothes from my profuse outburst, then slipping it under her jumper and revelling in the warm soft skin of her belly, trailing higher to cup her rather large breasts, her nipples standing upright in the soft fabric of her bra. She had closed her eyes and wore a relaxed and contended smile, as I explored her body. She assisted me when I tugged down her tights and knickers, without opening her eyes. I kissed her forehead, then moved down to her lips, as my hand trailed cautiously down to her pubes, spreading out my fingers and touching her so lightly that she shook several times as it must have been close to tickling. I felt the heat from the centre of her womanhood, when brushing over it to fondle her thighs. The passion of her kiss alerted me to her urgent need to be touched there rather than being teased and stroked, so I hastened to oblige and parted the warm moist folds of her labia and started spreading the moisture all alongside her sex. She moaned and kissed me fiercer, as I locked in on her astonishingly large clit, rubbing it in circular and up and down motions. She heaved her hips and thrashed her head around when I broke our kiss, groaning and moaning very distinctly, an odd counterpart to the violent snoring coming from the other bunk. Her mouth started twitching uncontrollably; then she came with a loud sound somewhere between moan and scream. The snoring stopped for a few seconds, leaving us once again in breathless silence, before we resumed by snuggling up to each other, my hand still resting on and fondling her wet sex. We lay awake for another half hour, kissing and stroking, after we had managed to clean ourselves up a little and dressed up enough to avoid unnecessary awkwardness if being discovered by William in the morning. --- When I woke up the next morning, Julie had already left our bunk and made some coffee, William was awake but unwilling to get up as yet. Julie must have been up for quite some time, as the fire was roaring already. She noticed that I was awake. "Good morning Neil. Did you sleep all right? How is your leg?" I was asking myself the same question that very moment. It did hurt, much worse than the day before, which wasn't surprising, but gave me some qualms of how I would be able to descend to the valley. "Morning. I don't know, it hurts." "Don't try to get up yet. Here, have a cup of coffee first. We still have some sandwiches from yesterday, so we don't have to open any of the emergency rations here. What would you like? Cheese? Egg and bacon? Turkey?" William arose with some deep grunts and stretching and staked his claims on the turkey sandwich, before announcing his need to go outside and relieve himself first. Through the opened door I saw that the blizzard had stopped, only few flakes were dancing towards the bright white canvas. William looked excited about this fact, before closing the door. I used his absence to try and get up and put my trousers on. My jumper and briefs were full of cum stains. Julie smiled when she saw that. "Took me a while to get mine out too." She brought a wet piece of cloth and quickly rubbed the visible stains, then brought over my trousers. "Hang on, let me check the wound first." She had just unwrapped the bandages when William returned, sitting down at the table and munching his sandwich while he observed Julie's administrations. "Doesn't look too bad outside. I think we could make it down if we start soon." Julie looked at the wound that was deep red and oozing some clear liquid. I flinched a little when she touched it with a warm wet cloth. "Not with this we won't. I don't think Neil can move with this. We would have to make a stretcher or something, or one of us has to go down alone and get some help." "Hm." William finished his sandwich and gulped down his coffee. "Well, I could do that, obviously. The snow is quite deep. Since you are so tiny, you are bound to sink in up to your tits." "Plonker." "Whatever. If I did this, I'd have to start soon though. It took us four hours to get up this far, it is likely to take me at least six hours to get down under these conditions, but I am perfectly willing to try it. Are you two going to be all right on your own?" We both nodded at the same time. Although it was obvious that William would risk his life in an attempt to descend and get some help, I was looking forward to being alone with his sister. On the other hand, I was dreading it. What had happened the night before, had been some sort of spur of the moment thing. What now, what next though? Your picture flashed before my eyes. Half an hour later, William was gone. The weather seemed to hold, there was even some patches of blue skies and occasionally the sun showing during the morning. When I stepped outside to pee, I marvelled at the grandeur of the scenery, the majesty of the mountainside. We were trapped by it, and yet a part of it by being reduced to creatures struggling for survival. I hobbled back into the cosy shelter, where I found Julie in the process of washing herself with some warm water, completely naked. That image was like a shock; what had happened before had happened under the cover of the night, had been a manifestation of a nameless desire for warmth and gratification, where, as weird as that might sound, it could have been anybody. Now, with her standing at the window in front of the sink, anything that followed would be heading into another uncharted territory. I sat down on the cot and watched her cleansing herself, drying herself off with a piece of cloth no bigger than a tea towel. "There is still some warm water here, if you'd like. I can help you if you have trouble standing up." I answered in a somewhat breathy voice. "That'd be very nice." Julie put some logs on the fire before carrying the basin to the bunk. She made no attempt to dress again, making it perfectly clear what she expected to happen next. She helped me out of my clothes, and my body seemed to agree with her assessment, as my rising cock quite emphatically demonstrated. Her hands were trembling when she wrapped the wet cloth around it and gingerly dabbed the helmet. Once again your picture flashed before my mind's eye. Within seconds, the spell was broken, the inescapability of the situation overturned by the all too familiar feeling of pain and loss. When her hand closed around my penis without the cloth, I quickly arrested it and silently shook my head. Julie froze; then retreated, looking confused and sad. I wanted to explain to her that I wasn't rejecting her, but I couldn't muster coherent thoughts, leave alone sentences. We both dressed in silence. The Colour of Silence It took several hours before we managed to speak to each other again with some degree of normalcy. The weather outside worsened again, and we got really worried about William. The area he must had reached by now was full of treacherous steep ramps, where you have to be alert and cautious under normal conditions already, but now, with the snow covering each small boulder and loose rock it would take much more than that. "Can I ask you a question?" "Of course, go on." Julie seemed to have trouble formulating it. "Why did you come up here on your own? You must have been aware of the danger." "I didn't listen to the weather report. I have made this ascent several times. We used to live some sixty miles away from here." "I read about the accident. I am very sorry about what happened. It must have been awful losing your family like that." I refrained from commenting on that. "How long ago was it though? Five, six years?" "Four ." "I see." It was obvious that she was traipsing around the issue, trying very hard to avoid offending me, or making an inappropriate comment. "You are wondering why I didn't want to sleep with you." She nodded, looked like she wanted to retort something, but then deciding otherwise. "I don't know how to explain this. My life ended that day, everything that was good and decent was taken away from me ... The tapestry of my life was unravelled ... It might be four years now, but for me it is like yesterday, for everything that happened since is meaningless, pointless ... " "I see." "Sorry, I can't explain it any better. I hope you understand that this has nothing to do with you. You are a kind, compassionate woman and very attractive besides ... I ... I just can't be intimate with someone I don't even know, you know, like ... I have been with her, know what I mean?" "I think so." I wanted to elaborate, but couldn't. I decided to change the subject slightly. "You still have me at a disadvantage. You seem to know quite a bit about my life and I know next to nothing about you ... How come you are still alone?" "Oh, I was married also. It didn't work out. And now ... I have my job, which gives me a lot of satisfaction and joy ... and my family, although I don't see much of them, mostly William, as he lives closest to my place. He is a great guy, a little self-absorbed at times, but still ... And I am sorry for what happened last night, it was my doing really ... it seemed like you needed it ... like we both needed it ... I don't usually do things like that to strangers ..." "You don't need to apologise for being kind to me ... I am sorry, this is all so strange ... I feel like a ghost sometimes ... I am caught up in things, but they don't really get through to me, leaving me isolated from myself and others, indifferent ... maybe not indifferent, more like unable to connect ... I don't know how to explain this." "I understand, I think. But is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Roaming the Earth like a ghost, mourning the life you lost? I am sorry, those are totally inappropriate questions, I suppose." "No, not at all. Of course these are valid questions, questions I am asking myself repeatedly. It is just ... it is not a matter of not wanting, more like not being able to ..." We talked until lunch time. She asked me about the band, when I didn't volunteer any more information about my current life and eventually talked a bit more about herself. The leg started hurting more and more, but I didn't let on in order not to unsettle her. But she noticed that my body temperature had risen when she looked after the dressing again. "Oh no, I think you are running a fever." "Don't worry, it's all right." "I don't know what to do." Her voice sounded distraught. "I've never taken a first aid course or something. I just hope ..." she glanced at her watch, "... that William has descended by now. Maybe they will send a helicopter." "I don't think they have one there. These aren't the Alps, you know. Besides, I don't think they would fly in this weather." Neither of us had looked out the window during our animated conversation. But now we both did. It had got even worse. This was a full-blown blizzard. The tall trees were shaking violently in the storm. I just hoped that William was all right and not caught outside in the midst of it. "They didn't say it would be this bad in the weather report. Else we would have never ascended. Well ... good thing we did though." I still wasn't sure whether I could agree. I longed for silence. And sleep. She noticed the latter part. "Rest, you need to rest, try to sleep. We still have some of the Scotch, in case the pain gets too bad ... Do you want it now?" "No, thanks ... keep it for later." --- Your picture was in my mind's eye when I eventually fell asleep. I had a vivid dream about you, but I don't remember what it was about, just that you said, "You must live." When I woke up again, it was dark already. Julie sat on the bunk William had slept in the previous night, huddled in a corner, her arms clasping her legs. Her eyes were closed, so she probably had fallen asleep also. The fire was dying down. I wanted to get up quietly and put a log onto it, but the pain was unbearable. Then I passed out again. Disconnected sounds ... voices ... someone putting a needle in my arm. Two men lifting me from the bunk, carrying me outside. Julie's voice. "Is he going to be all right?" "Don't worry luv. It's not as bad as it looks." I wanted to speak, but darkness engulfed me once more. Only flashes of consciousness thereafter. Lying on a stretcher or sleigh, staring up in the sky. It had stopped snowing. Daylight again. The sound of panting men. Then nothingness. --- Pure white. Was this ... the afterlife? No, a ceiling, a bed, I was in a bed. I managed to turn my head slowly. The interior was unmistakable, I was in a hospital. Sleeping in a chair next to me was Julie. I had enough experience with drugs to guess that the numbness and slowness of impressions was due to some sort of medication. My leg wasn't hurting, but it was heavily bandaged and I could not move it. Maybe they operated and I was still under some kind of anaesthetic. I tried to reach a plastic cup with water on the side-table next to bed on the left, but my movements were too uncoordinated and it fell down. Julie was startled out of her sleep. "Oh, Neil, you are awake! Thank God. You had us worried there for a while. Let me get that for you." She picked up the cup and refilled it, placing it at my lips. A bit of the liquid went down the wrong pipe and I had a coughing fit. "Take it slowly please. I am going to get the nurse." I wanted to respond, but I couldn't. My vocal cords refused to function. All I managed to produce was a weird mumble and I noticed that the right sight of my face felt numb as well. In an instant, I was alarmed. This could not have been due to anaesthesia. There was Julie again, and a nurse. They both tried to calm me down. "Don't try to speak. You had a stroke when we transported you down. Don't worry, the doctors say in most cases one regains the powers of speech very quickly again." Stroke? Now I realised that I had hardly any feeling on my right side, and not just in the leg. My right arm also felt limp. Fuck. And what if it didn't get better? Would I be a cripple for life? The nurse had also alerted the doctor on call, a massive man with wild white hair. He asked me to nod when I felt something and started poking me with his fingers and a sharp metal thing. He seemed chuffed about the results and assured me that everything would be fine again in a few weeks. Then he made some rather inappropriate jokes, which made the nurse and Julie blush, but reassured me almost more than his earlier speech. And he explained that a clot from a damaged vein deep inside the wound had travelled up to my brain, without the rescue team noticing it, as I had been unconscious throughout the descent. He quipped that the resident haemal plumber had sealed that little bugger perfectly. I was still in a state of shock though. Julie. She had spent two days at my bedside already, as you would have done for me. It was Christmas morning. But instead of spending it with her family, she had opted for being there for me. She refused to leave even now that I had regained consciousness. Why? My inability to communicate made me mad. I couldn't even express my puzzlement; nor my gratitude. She arranged my cushions to make me more comfortable. She talked and talked to make me feel safe. She stroked my hair and held my good hand. In the evening, the funny doctor threw her out, ordering her to sleep in a real bed and leave the night care to the professionals. In the morning, when I awoke, she was back again. The first days were hell and she was the only light at the end of the tunnel. Despite all the assurances, the lack of feeling in my right side didn't return quickly. I was feeling stronger again, and the wound on the leg was healing fast, but the partial paralysis was persistent. The first definite improvements I felt a day before New Year's Eve. When I awoke from a kiss on the brow, I felt a tingling in my left arm and I managed to lift it slightly. Julie seemed almost more excited about this than me. But I was excited about it too. I cared. Suddenly I cared. I wanted to get better. Wanted to be myself again. Three days later I could take the first steps out of bed, still wobbly and insecure, only with the aid of Julie and a nurse, but that was a major relief. It took another week, before I regained my ability to speak; by then I was already back in my flat in London. Julie had had to leave earlier, as school had started again, but she had promised to look me up during the following weekend. We had managed to communicate, after I regained my ability to write. When I uttered my first words again, I resisted the urge to call her, rather decided to surprise her during her upcoming visit. The night before her arrival, I dreamt of you again. You were smiling, but when I tried to touch you, you shook your head and said: "You must live." Then your face turned into Julie's. Was this your blessing? --- I had texted her that I would pick her up at Victoria station. As usual, it was a pain to find a parking space. I noticed how much I was looking forward to seeing her; I hastened my step when it looked like I wasn't going to make it on time, although that was still very difficult, as I limped a little bit and used a cane I had found amongst the heirlooms from my grandfather. The train was already standing at the platform and throngs of people milled towards me, making my approach even more difficult. Then I saw Julie alighting at the very end of the train, looking a little lost and trying to find me. The advantage of disability was that most people respectfully got out of my way, when they saw the cane. I was so anxious however, that I would probably have used it to fight my way through the crowd. "Hello." She saw me just the very instant I was standing right in front of her. "Oh you can speak! That is fantastic." "It's still a tad difficult ... almost like learning it all over again." In fact, my voice sounded a lot different and I had to focus to speak clearly. "I am so glad for you." She embraced me. I noticed how small she was, as her head rested on my chest, and hesitantly I closed my arms around her too, feeling slightly awkward and yet almost disappointed when we ended the embrace. I realised that speaking wasn't the only thing I would have to learn all over again. We slowly walked to my car, while she talked about William, who had brought her to the train station before she left. He had left Scotland before I regained consciousness to spend Christmas with his family, so I would still have to thank him for his part in my rescue, which had been no mean feat. He had actually managed to do the descent in a little over five hours, despite the nasty weather and almost got lost when he missed the right path twice. I would have to think of something special to get him as a thank you. Julie had suggested that she could stay at a cousin's place, but I insisted that she stayed with me, as I had the spare room ready and was really anxious to spend as much time with her as possible. It didn't take much to coax her into staying with me either. In the hospital, I had been mostly thinking about myself, had appreciated her kindness and presence and in a weird way almost taken it for granted. When I saw how happy she was to see me and my improvements I realised that you wouldn't just do something like someone you care more than just a little for. Was she in love with me? And, perhaps more difficult to assay, what was I feeling for her besides gratitude and friendship? It was confusing. We had met under the most bizarre circumstances, thrown together into mayhem and such a high degree of intimacy, which I had not thought possible after all that had happened to me. And yet I was mortally afraid that I would have to disappoint her again, that I could not leap over the shadow of the ruins of my life. I was startled out of my musings when I realised that we hadn't spoken throughout the car ride to my place, but she might have been grown too accustomed to my silence from the time in the hospital to notice, or she was caught up in her own hopes and misgivings. "Here we are." The flat looked still very much like when you were here; I hadn't had the strength to change anything. She must have noticed your touch, the little knick-knacks, the furniture, the velvet curtains. I could see that she was feeling your presence and growing a little tense. We had a cup of tea with the Italian cake you liked so much. Now that I realised I had bought it for the first time in four years I felt a little weird about it. This was not going to be easy. I was at a loss about what to say or do to make Julie feel more comfortable. And to understand what I was feeling, when I looked at her. Our initial chit-chat was not putting either of us at ease. "You know, now that I can speak again ... I need to tell you ... how grateful I am for what you and William have done for me ..." "Don't mention it. I am so happy that you have recovered so well." "I don't think I would have ... how can I put this ... you know, even rallied the will to get better without you." "But you have, and you did get better, and that is all that counts now. You must look into the future and not look back. I am glad I could be there for you." I wasn't sure it was the right thing to confront her with my current confusion, but I sensed that she was as uncertain about what would become of us, now, as the crisis dissolved into unknown possibilities. "The future ... that is the weird thing ... I can't imagine it without you." "Oh ..." "But I don't know if I can ... bugger, why is this so difficult? I don't want to disappoint you ... you know, I am still so confused ... and I don't really know, what it is I feel ... for you ..." "You need time. Don't worry about me; I just ... I will be there for you, if you need me ... let's just take one step at a time and we'll see where it leads ..." "You are amazing, you know? How can you be so ... strong?" Julie looked at me for a long moment and then said, "I don't think I am. But ... you should know ... I am in love with you." I placed my arm around her and tenderly pressed her against me. I was choking up, it was so wonderful to feel her and yet I couldn't help feeling scared and incapable of expressing what I felt. When we kissed, tears ran down my face, washing away a good deal of pain, and silence. --- We spent the remainder of the afternoon in comfortable silence, before heading out for a meal at the fabulous Italian restaurant near Baker Street you loved so much. I hadn't been there for ages, but it looked pretty much the same and the food was sublime as always, although they had a new cook now, as Antonio told me. Julie told me a bit more about her family, work and the little town she lived in. She invited me to come and visit. As I was driving, I didn't drink anything there, but we shared a bottle of wine back in the flat. We talked and talked into the wee hours of the morning and although we had kissed and cuddled a lot, we went to sleep in separate rooms. Julie had woken up hours ahead of me and eventually decided to wake me up at around noon, since she had promised her cousin to visit before returning home and her train was leaving in the late afternoon. After a hearty breakfast I drove her there. We kissed for almost ten minutes and I promised to drive up to her place the following weekend. How empty the flat was without her upon my return, how cold without her warmth, how gloomy without her smile. I spent the week taking long walks in the park, as my leg was improving constantly; so was my speech. I brought you flowers, but you must have noticed that I didn't stay as long as usual and it was not because of the rain. I even sat down at the piano a couple of times, trying to recall the exercises from the lessons four years ago, as I had never continued. To my surprise they were still present in my memory. In the evenings I rang Julie and we exchanged stories about our day. She told me that we were invited to William's for dinner on Saturday, so I had to come up with some sort of gift I could take along. In the end I opted for a crate of fine Malt Whisky, although it felt like not nearly enough. Friday came much too slow, greeting me with blue skies and unseasonably warm temperatures. I drove too fast and consequently arrived much too early, almost an hour before we had planned. Julie was still at her school, so I took the time to explore her town. It was quite possible that I had been there before during the early days with my band, but I had no conscious memory of it. Seeing the kids storming out of the school was a little painful, as it reminded me of the times I had picked up Steven, how happy he had always been to see me, as those were but rare occasions due to my busy life. Julie didn't expect me there, as we had planned to meet at her place and I had to smile when I realised that she was not much taller than most of the older kids, blending in nicely with them. Her rather stern expression dissolved into a radiant smile when she noticed me. I wasn't sure whether it would be appropriate to kiss her in front of the kids, so I just opened the door for her and we drove off. She lived in a small semi-detached house that reflected the warmth and playfulness of her personality. There was a massive garden behind the house, her pride and joy, as she told me, twice as large as all the others, as she had bought her neighbour's plot, who was apparently also a musician with no interest in gardening. Even in those bleak winter days it looked lush and pretty through the large French doors of her living-room. Alone at last we kissed, first tenderly, but then with ever growing passion. A call of nature separated us, and we had tea with homemade cookies thereafter. She had planned a big dinner that would require a lot of preparation, but during and after tea we had started kissing again, and just couldn't tear ourselves apart. We even missed darkness falling and the room was only lit by her mock gas fireplace, when the passion was calling for more. There was no thinking on my part any more, no holding back, no fear, no pain, just the overwhelming desire to express the love I now felt so clearly with the entirety of my being. Slowly, tenderly and yet breathlessly we caressed each other, took off one piece of clothing at a time, continued until we were in the buff, spellbound by a paradoxical feeling of relaxed tension, relieved that our longing finally obliterated all reticence and doubt. In perfect silence we explored each other, lying side by side on her sofa, tracing the outlines of each other's faces and bodies, gingerly proceeding to touch the epicentres of our growing passion. The sofa was too small and uncomfortable for any further advances, so I picked her up and carried her to the lush Oriental rug in front of her fireplace, where she opened her legs for me, heaving and trembling in anticipation. She moaned loudly when I entered her, halting to revel in the sensation of being finally connected, sharing the most intimate union of bodies and souls. It felt so right, so good, so perfectly natural and overwhelming that we were both close to tears, until our movements began and transmuted the feeling into exquisite concupiscence. I am not ashamed to say that this first was but a brief struggle, too long had I denied myself this ultimate affirmation of life; too long had there been silence and emptiness that gushed out in a glorious dissolution of self. However, I did not retreat, wanted to stay inside her as long as I possibly could, whilst smothering her with kisses. The Colour of Silence Astonished I noticed that my hardness did not recede, that my body was hungering for more, as was hers. The surprise was painted in her face also, when I resumed, to be wiped off again by the mounting lust and heat. She moaned and groaned, when I took her harder and faster, but despite the fierce passionate bout, she did not seem to find her release. After what felt like an eternity, I was about to grow tired and halted questioningly. She smiled and motioned me off her body to take over from there. She straddled me and started riding me at moderate pace first, then quickening when she noticed that I was ready to come again. Although I did not want to leave her unfulfilled, there was no way to stop the inevitable and I shook and spasmed into my second outburst. She kissed me and let herself sink down to me, and I locked her into an embrace. I whispered "Sorry", when our lips parted, but she smiled and shook her head. "Nothing to be sorry about, I don't come that way." There was still so much I didn't know about her, but relieved I realised that we would have all the time in the world for that. But now I felt the urgency to provide her with her dues in a different way, slowly rolling to the side, then releasing my grip to let her rest on her back again, kissing and licking my way down from her face in a straight line down to her dripping wet honey-pot, savouring the still unfamiliar taste of our commingled juices. I sensed that she was aching, so I skipped all preliminaries and build-ups, licking her furiously, following the thrashing of her body, incensed by her loud moans and repeated "Oh's". Her legs were in constant motion, as she tensed up her muscles and relaxed again, indicating how close she was already. Within a few minutes, her swollen clit retreated and I opened my eyes to witness the apex of her lust, which she screamed into the quiet room. However, feeling that justice should be served, I continued unabatedly, albeit slower and more playful now, as she showed no sign of being overly sensitive and in need of a short respite, as you had been. By now we were both sweating profusely because of the closeness to the fireplace, but I think we produced more heat than those tender flames. She shook and turned her head from side to side again and again, as if indicating her disbelief in the intensity of experience, sometimes muffling her own groans that seemed to come deeper and deeper from within. I took great care not to drive her this time, but let her ascend to this peak, slowly and with all possible deliberation, and was rewarded by the spectacle of a seemingly even more intense conclusion. It took ages of cuddling and calming down, before we were able to speak again, saying the only meaningful words on our minds. "I love you." --- Now you know my love, how it all happened. This white rose I brought you is from the greenhouse in her garden. I haven't been here for a while and tomorrow I will move permanently to her place, so I will visit you less in the future. But you and Steven will always be with me, in my heart. I would have never believed that there is room for someone else, but it is truly so. I will always love you and I know that you would want me to be happy. And I am. How changed the world is in spring, how beautiful and renewed. White is the colour of silence.Green is the colour of life.