12 comments/ 11156 views/ 3 favorites Sleep with Me By: wonderingwhy I want this man more than anything. More than air. More than life. And what makes it all the more phenomenal? He wants me just the same. Me. Amy Sullivan. The eighteen year old plain Jane nobody from a broken home in the middle of nowhere Ohio. He has the face of a movie star, the sculpted body of an athlete, and the charm of a fairytale prince. Me? I'm the girl who threw up all over the basketball court in gym class junior year. The girl who humiliated herself by falling flat on her face in the middle of graduation. The girl with the secondhand wardrobe and nonexistent mother. But he wants me. More than anything. More than anyone. Or, so he says. He says he wants to spend forever with me. To show me off to all of his family and friends as if I were a priceless treasure, the greatest prize in the history of time. He considers himself the luckiest man in the world for capturing the heart of the most beautiful creature he's ever laid his sapphire eyes upon. He wants everyone to know that he belongs to me. Only to me. Forever. Of course, that's precisely how I feel about him. I'm the lucky one. I'm the one that doesn't deserve him, that could never in a billion years compare to him. But he doesn't agree. He claims that I chose him, when in fact, it was the other way around. Silly, sexy man. We can never argue about this though. Whenever the subject arises, it always ends quickly, with his lips silencing mine. He is my world. My life. My everything. And he is so very faithful. He greets me every single night, waiting for me with open arms, warm lips and that sexy as hell smile of his. I never have nightmares. At least, not during the night. Not when I'm with him. My nightmares begin the second my alarm clock goes off, and I'm ripped out of his strong, protective, loving embrace and forced to spend the day in reality. Away from his scent. From his body. From him. Maybe I'm delusional. Correction; I am delusional. Certifiably crazy even. But how else can I possibly explain that for the last twelve months I've spent the night with the exact same man? Held in his arms. Responding to his touch. Feeling the warmth of his body pressed against mine. Pressed into mine. I remember with utmost clarity the morning after our first night together. The morning I awoke from the most amazing dream I'd ever had in my entire existence. The waves of ecstasy that consumed me as I felt the tremors of my very first orgasm rock my body in a state somewhere in the middle of sleep and awake. I remember walking around on cloud nine that day with the most idiotic grin plastered on my face as I brought my dad lunch at the police station. My father actually had the audacity to give me a Breathalyzer test that day. Yes, I had been drunk in a way. High on the memory of him and the pleasure he'd given me right before my alarm clock had buzzed. Twelve months with him. With perfection. But I don't understand it at all. It's beyond my human comprehension. Maybe it's just a horrible joke that fate has decided to play on me. As if I wasn't enough of a lonely freak already. How can it seem so real? How can he seem so real? The dreams I have with him are like no other. They are so very vivid. So real. That first morning was positively euphoric. But after twelve months, mornings have become my own personal hell. I might as well be dead between the hours of six am and whatever hour I'm finally able to fall asleep–usually around ten, nine if I indulge in gratuitous cold medicine use. I'm only truly alive at night. When I'm with him. When we're together. We spend our nights sharing stories about our respective childhoods or goings on at school. He listens to me ramble on about how my mom left us when I was only three. About the moronic boys at school who had the insane assumption I'd actually go to prom with them. I don't dance, and even if I did, it would only be with him. Tom doesn't like those stories, by the way. He's so cute and possessive that way. He tells me anecdotes about his shopaholic sister and geeky brother. Of his adoring parents. Of his plans to become a doctor someday. We were each other's first kiss. First girlfriend/boyfriend. First everything. We know practically everything there is to know about one another. We tell each other secrets we've never told another soul. We laugh. We talk. We make love as if we'll never see each other again. Because, though I'll never admit it to him, I'm often so afraid I won't see him again. We have no guarantee how long our dreams together will continue. These dreams defy understanding. I've had normal dreams throughout my life. Dreams that I had no control over. Dreams where I couldn't remember my locker combination. Dreams where I was late to class. Dreams where I was lost. Dreams that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Dreams where I was just a voyeur, watching as if it were a movie playing out before me. But these dreams... These dreams are so much more. I'm not a spectator here. I'm an active participant. And he is always there. The scenery might change depending on the night. One night we'll be at my place. I'll cook him fettuccine alfredo, and he'll say it's the best he's ever tasted. He's sweet like that. Another night he'll spend hours strumming on his guitar and singing his latest song that was inspired by me. More often than not, we'll spend our time in the throes of passion in his queen size bed, surrounded by striped cotton sheets. We are still teenagers after all. Yes, the scenery might change, but the man never does. My Tom is always there. Always waiting for me. Crazy, yes? Is it truly possible to have dreams such as mine? To dream about the exact same man every single night for twelve months straight? In normal dreams, the people in there don't have backgrounds. They don't have families. They don't have jokes to tell, stories to share. They don't have goals and aspirations. And they most certainly don't know how to give mind blowing orgasms over and over and over again. So, how is it possible for my Tom to even exist? He shouldn't exist; I know that. But I can't admit it. I can't ever admit that. I cannot possibly admit that he doesn't exist. He has to be real. He just has to. Because I'm in love with him. I'm in love with Tom Mason. I'm in love with him so much that it hurts. I've been in love with him since that very first night. And he loves me back. And if he's not real... if my dreams with him were to ever cease to exist... then so would I. I can't live without him, as insane as that sounds. He's all I think about. He's the only one that truly matters to me. And I'm terrified. Terrified because we're both finally heading off to college at UCLA. The only reason I ever applied there was because he told me in a dream months ago that it was his number one choice. I'm terrified because I'm now on a plane bound for a destination over twenty-five hundred miles away. Terrified because last night might have possibly been our last night together. I'll be in a new bed. A new city. A new state. What if he's not there waiting for me when I go to sleep tonight? I'm terrified I've lost him, and I know I never truly had him to begin with. I'm also terrified because he might actually be there. In the flesh. That shouldn't frighten me, but it does. It scares the living daylights out of me. He's tried to get me to tell him my address and phone number on so many occasions, to see if we can actually contact each other outside of our dreams. To find out that, hopefully, we're not stuck in some freaked out Lake House time warp, separated by a chasm of years or alternate dimensions. But I've never been able to bring myself to reveal that kind of information to him. I know what he looks like. I know all about his perfect family. I know how perfect he is. And I know who I am. I am Amy Sullivan. The boring, dirt-poor, average looking girl with no life outside of her abnormal sleep realm. This is probably the only thing we ever truly fight about. He calls me ridiculous. I cry. He wipes my tears away and tells me that I'm beautiful. The only good thing about these fights is the makeup sex, and let me tell you... it is spectacular. I practically tie my stomach into knots during my entire flight to California, as I deplane, arrive on campus and find my dorm room. He doesn't know I'm here. I didn't tell him I'd be going to UCLA, too, that I got a scholarship. I didn't want him to try and find me. I have his address, of course. He made me memorize it a few nights ago before I woke up. He practically begged me to visit, to call, or at the very least write. Just to see. To see if the other really does exist. It was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. I almost caved and told him, but I just couldn't. I guess I'm not just crazy; I'm stupid. My heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest as I'm in the taxi, dressed in a simple t-shirt and jeans, driving away from the campus. Dear God, what am I doing? This is probably the biggest mistake I'll ever make. I almost tell the driver to turn around. I debate the entire way there, but all I can see is the sadness in Tom's eyes when I told him we could never meet. It's been eating away at me for days. I keep my mouth shut and let the cab continue its journey. My heart actually stops beating for five seconds when I spot a shiny, blue Mustang in the driveway. It's his. We've spent several dream nights in that very same car. The backseat is, surprisingly, bigger than it looks. I have the driver drop me off at the end of the street and watch as my escape vehicle speeds away. I have second thoughts. Again. I pace the sidewalk for at least a good half hour, maybe longer. I flip my cell phone open and dial the cab company every five minutes so they can come back and rescue me, before slamming it shut and shoving it back into my pocket as soon as they say hello. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I pull out my phone for the last time and start to cry. I can't do this. I never should have come. He may be inside the house. Really in there. And he may not be. Regardless, he won't want me. I'm nobody. It would be one thing to go to sleep and not have him there for the first time in twelve months. But it would be another thing entirely to be awake, know he's there, and know that he doesn't want me. I can't bear this thought. My eyes are practically drowning in my tears. Why would he ever want someone like me outside of his dreams? I hear a noise and look up. I can't breathe. I see blond first. Dirty blond hair that's always messy, always seems to have a mind of its own. It's hanging down slightly in front of a pair of the most beautiful, piercing blue eyes there ever was. Eyes that have haunted me for the past twelve months. They're wide and staring right at me. Is the expression in them horrified? Disappointed? Terrified? Disgusted? His eyes are wet now like mine. He starts to say something, but is overcome by sobs. I can't take this anymore. My knees are so weak. They tremble, and I brace myself, knowing I'm about to crumble to the ground. My worst nightmare. Rejected in front of my one true love, and then humiliated moments later as I lay sprawled across the pavement. But I never hit the ground. Instead, I find myself wrapped securely in his arms. He clutches me to himself so tight it almost hurts. But it doesn't. And he's crying. Crying harder than the other night. Almost harder than me right now. Almost. He's mumbling, murmuring. I can't understand what he's saying, but he's saying it over and over and over again. And then I hear it, and my heart swells. And though I didn't think it was possible, I cry even harder. He's saying my name. And he's telling me he loves me. And I want to die right there because I know that life can't possibly get any better than this. I say his name and tell him just how much I love him between my horribly loud sobs. And I can only hope he hears me and understands what I'm saying. He must, because as soon as I finish telling him, he crushes his lips to mine and sweeps me up in his arms bridal style and heads back inside his house. His lips never leave mine as he practically sprints up the stairs to his bedroom and kicks the door shut with his foot. Thank God he's a lot more coordinated and graceful than I am, otherwise we would've face planted right into the carpet. He sets me down on his bed, whispering his love for me between kisses. I break free from his lips, much to his chagrin, and glance around. The room is different, of course, than his bedroom back in New York. But the same massive DVD collection lines the walls. And the bed is the same. Queen size with striped cotton sheets. It feels like a dream, but I know it's not. This is real. He looks at me apprehensively, and I wonder if he's changed his mind about me. The fears and doubts start to race back in. Why would he want me? He reaches out a hand to stroke my cheek. It slides down to my chin, and he forces me to look up at him as he tells me that I'm even more beautiful than his dreams. No matter my insecurities, I can't deny the love I see in his eyes. I can't help but smile... and blush, of course. Then his lips pull back into that sexy crooked grin of his, and I come undone. I practically launch myself at him, pressing my lips firmly against his. He cups my face with his hands, then sweeps his tongue across my lips. I part them immediately, and he plunges his tongue inside my mouth. Our tongues slide against each other, and he lets me swirl mine inside his mouth. He tastes better than I could've ever imagined possible. My hands twist in his hair. It's so soft; my dreams never did it justice. His hands slide down my face to my neck, down my arms, my sides. He lowers me down on the bed and hovers over me before settling himself between my legs. The weight of his body pressing up against mine sends a shockwave somewhere deep inside. I move my hands to his waist and slide them beneath the hem of his shirt. He pulls away from my mouth long enough to help me slide his t-shirt over his head. His smooth chest, the lines of sculpted abs... exactly as I'd remembered them. No. They're even better. His lips move to my neck, his hands now at the hem of my shirt. He pulls away slightly to remove it before tossing it somewhere on the floor. I don't care where it went. I'll gladly go naked for the rest of my life as long as I'm with him. He's real. He's here. He's really here. And I start to cry all over again because I can't believe that he's here. And he's real. And we're both awake. And he wants me. He kisses my tears away and whispers again how much he loves me. How he's waited for me for so long. How he's going to love me forever. He kisses my eyelids, my cheeks, my nose, my lips. Our mouths move together for a few moments as we kick off our shoes, hearing them drop to the floor with a thud. I tilt my head to the side as his lips abandon mine to run a trail of feather light kisses across my jaw and down my neck before his blond-topped head slowly dips lower. Despite the chill in the air, my body feels like it's about to erupt into flames as his tongue reaches out to caress the swell of my breast. I can feel tingles all the way from the top of my head all the way down to the very soles of my feet. He doesn't even hesitate as he reaches around to my back and unclasps my bra. He pulls back long enough to take his first glimpse of me in the flesh. His lopsided smile reappears, and I moan softly as he takes one of my breasts into his mouth. He groans against my skin as his hand kneads the other, rolling the sensitive flesh of my nipple between his fingers. He switches positions, filling his mouth with the other one, flicking the nipple with his tongue as I arch my back, pressing myself into him. I reach my hands up to his waist and pull him down against me, grinding his hips into mine. We both moan at the pressure, the pleasure. I can feel his arousal pressing against me, and it's almost more than I can take. He must feel the same urgency because his hands are suddenly clawing at the front of my jeans, and he's yanking them off my body as if they were on fire. Of course, the fire's not in the jeans; it's inside of me. He slides off my undies and pauses, letting his eyes rake over my bare form. I suck my lower lip in between my teeth, and he groans and tells me again that I'm beautiful. And I know that I am to him. And that's all that matters. I sit up and rip at his jeans, getting frustrated because I can't seem to get the button undone. I let out an exasperated sigh, and he chuckles softly, then kicks off his jeans and boxers and starts to descend back over me. But I push him away with my hands on his chest. He looks into my eyes, confused. I stare at him fearfully, glancing between his eyes and his manhood. In our dreams, I had no worries about his size. But now, in the flesh–in the actual, rock hard, larger than life flesh–will he fit? I chew on my lip, and he flashes me my favorite smile before leaning down and sucking my lip out of my teeth and into his mouth. He settles his hips between my thighs, and I can feel his length pressing against my skin. And I want him inside of me, but the tease starts to slide lower, letting his mouth trail a path from my lips down my neck, my chest, my belly button, my hips. He presses a kiss firmly against my center, and I gasp in surprise. I feel his mouth smile against my skin before he plunges his tongue wickedly inside. I moan at the sensation and thread my fingers into his hair. He groans and mumbles something about how good I taste, but I can't really understand him because the coil deep inside me is getting wound tighter and tighter with every single flick of his expert tongue. I writhe beneath him, and his hands grip my hips to try and keep me still. But then he slides one down and starts rubbing my bundle of nerves between his fingers. It's more than I can take, and I cry out, floating high. Before I know it, he's back up, hovering over me, pressing his mouth against mine, our tongues dancing together. I can feel his tip against my center, and he's ready. He's more than ready. He's eighteen years of ready. But there's fear in his eyes. Though we've done this countless times before, physically I'm still in one piece. He doesn't want to hurt me. We're both trembling as he presses his cheek against mine and thrusts his hips gently, breaking through my barrier. I whimper and bury my face in his chest. He whispers that he's sorry. He's so sorry. But that he loves me. More than anything. And soon the pain is gone. We stare into each other's eyes as we begin to move slowly together. The feeling inside is nothing compared to my dreams. It's phenomenal. It's beyond words. Our movements start to become stronger. Quicker. Harder. His gaze never leaves mine. We whisper our love for one another in between ragged breaths. My legs wrap around his waist, and my hips rise to meet every thrust of his. I throw my head back. This sensation is like no other. It's better than all of our dreams combined. It's the best feeling in the world. I shut my eyes tight, unable to keep them open any longer as the pleasure reaches new heights. I moan loudly and cry out his name as I fall over the edge. And it's the best orgasm I've ever had because it's really him in me this time. In the flesh. It's not a dream. I whimper as he thrusts one, two, three more times before climaxing, my name falling from his lips in a passionate chant. He collapses on top of me, completely spent. The weight isn't crushing, but comforting. I relish in it because it's just another reminder that this is real. Sleep with Me We pant together as our breathing slowly returns to normal. He tells me again how much he loves me, and I respond with the same. He keeps telling me, and I have a feeling he's never going to stop. And I don't want him to. Ever. I'll never grow tired of hearing it. I can't help stop the few tears of sheer joy that trickle out of my eyes. He kisses them away as he holds me close, promising to never let me go. We're both still trembling, overjoyed that we're both awake. This isn't a dream. We're really here. Really together. Forever. Sleep With Me Neil was not enjoying a very uncomfortable meal. Alex didn't seem to notice but that might be because he didn't want to. Alex's mother noticed; she was the cause of it. Every time Neil glanced at her she was watching him. She didn't actually glare at him but she was cold and Neil wanted to shout 'What!!!!' There was only one reason he was here at all. He loved Alex, plain and simple. He loved him enough to sit through this torture. Pushing his food around on the plate Neil tried not to lift his face from it. "Alright; what the hell's going on?" Neil jumped and looked up. Alex had put his knife and fork down and was glaring between Neil and his mother. "What do you mean?" Mrs Cutler asked. "You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Don't tell me there's nothing going on." "I don't know what you're talking about." "Do you want to tell me, Neil?" Neil glanced at Mrs Cutler but she turned her face away. He shook his head. Alex tutted, carefully folded his napkin and laid it on the table next to his plate. "Well, this is what I think's going on. I don't want to think it but it seems I have no choice. Neil, when you told me my mother hated you I laughed. I told you that you're in idiot and imagining things. Now, I think you were right. So, Mother, are you going to explain?" "I don't hate you, Neil, of course I don't hate you. How could I hate you when you make my son so happy?" "Bullshit. Look, I'm going to leave the room now and when I come back I want this sorted so I can finish my meal in peace." Both of them watched him walk out of the room and close the door. There was silence. "So... um... What, what have I done?" For a moment Mrs Cutler glared at him, then she sighed and shook her head. "You haven't done anything, Neil. I don't have anything against you, I swear; and I am grateful you're making Alex so happy. He's not had an easy time of it these last few years; neither have I." "So what...?" "Has Alex told you?" "Told me what?" "That he's ill." "What? No. I... What's wrong with him?" A hand wrapped itself around Neil's heart, at the look on Mrs Cutler's face, and squeezed hard. "He has a rare form of narcolepsy. Do you know what that is?" "Um... not really. It's when you keep falling asleep isn't it?" "Kind of. I told you it was a rare form. He has... attacks. Sometime they come every week, sometimes not for years. When his father died it was bad, really bad. I thought I was going to lose him." "L...lose him? Is it that bad? Why didn't he tell me?" "It's not usually that bad. Usually, he just gets disoriented, detached. He goes to bed, falls asleep and wakes up a few hours later absolutely fine." "But...?" "Occasionally, he has really bad attacks. He falls asleep so deeply I can't wake him and it happens fast. I have to make sure he eats before he sleeps because sometimes his blood sugar plummets and he could go into a hypoglycaemic coma. It hasn't happened yet because I make sure he carries sugar pills. If he feels an attack coming on he takes one. The only time he forgets is if it's the sudden onset one. If he's at home I do it for him. If he's outside he has a bracelet that tells people what's wrong and asks them to call an ambulance. Once he gets to the hospital they give him glucose and he's usually absolute fine in a couple of hours." "Usually?" "About a week after his father died he had a bad attack, a really bad attack and he was asleep for days. They had to put him on a breathing machine because he was so deeply asleep he couldn't breathe for himself. After a couple of days he just woke up and he was fine. It's the way it is. As soon as he wakes up he's completely over it. On that occasion he was out of hospital and back to normal the next day. "It's scary, Neil. He hasn't had a bad attack for almost a year but we've had gaps of a year or more before. Sooner or later it's going to happen again and it's scary. It's really hard to cope with." "And you think that, as soon as he has an attack, I'll get scared and run." "It's happened before." "Not with me it hasn't." "I don't think you understand." "No, it's you who doesn't understand. I love Alex. I don't love him because he's fit and well but because he's sweet and lovely. I don't care what happens in the future and if he's sick I'll take care of him. You'd better get used to it Mrs Cutler; I'm not going anywhere." He was getting angry but Mrs Cutler nodded her head and reached out to lay her hand over his. "I believe you, Neil," she said. When Alex came back they were chatting amicably... about him. "So... is it sorted? Have you fought it out?" "No fighting required," Mrs Cutler said lightly. Neil just stared. It made Alex feel uncomfortable. "What?" "Why didn't you tell me?" Alex turned blazing eyes on his mother. "Why did you?" "He needed to know, Alex." "Is that what it was all about? What, did you think Neil was going to leave like Jake did? Were you angry with him because you thought he'd run away as soon as things got hard? Neil's not Jake, Mum. I thought you'd have seen that." "I have," she said softly. "Neil loves me," Alex said even more softly. "He's not going to run away. I haven't had an attack for a year. Maybe it's gone: maybe not, but Neil's not going to run away from it... are you?" he asked less certainly. Neil shook his head with a flash of anger. "What do you think? I though you knew me better than that." "I did. I do." "Then why didn't you tell me?" "I..." he shrugged. "I don't know. I meant to but... I was waiting for the right time and there never was one." Neil nodded and relaxed. "Can we eat our dinner now?" Alex grinned and they did. With things between Neil and Mrs Cutler vastly improved Neil started to relax and enjoy being at their house more and more. They didn't spend any time at Neil's house because his father, whilst being generally okay with their relationship, was uncomfortable seeing them together, and his mother left the room whenever he and Alex were in it. Neil was very embarrassed by this but what could he do? Alex said he understood and Neil truly believed that he did but it was still not an ideal situation. He found himself wondering what would happen with his parents if he and Alex got married at some point: then got shocked that he'd been thinking about marriage at all. He'd never in a million years thought he'd ever think of marrying anyone... but Alex wasn't just anyone and he knew full well he'd never find another like him - ever. They were at Alex's house watching a movie. Mrs Cutler had ordered pizza and all three of them were sitting, tucked up on the sofa, waiting for the meal. Neil wasn't enjoying the film and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to enjoy the pizza; he was way too nervous. He'd decided that tonight was the night he was going to discuss, with Alex, something that had been on his mind for way too long. He had a little box in his pocket with two rings and he was mulling over what would be the best way of approaching the subject. He had no intention of going down on one knee and proposing. He thought it might be better to broach the subject more carefully and, if Alex was open to the idea, he could either be formal or just suggest they wear commitment rings for a while until they'd really talked about taking the next step. The rings were identical; simple silver bands twisted into never-ending Celtic knots. He'd had them engraved on the inside with the words 'together forever' and they were burning a hole in his pocket. He was jumpy and on edge, praying for Mrs Cutler to leave so he could get it over with. "What's wrong with you?" Alex asked. "What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with me." "You're more antsy than an anthill." "It's nothing, honest. I'm fine." Alex gave him a look that said 'wait until I get you on your own' then put his arms around him, pulling him back against his chest to rest his cheek on the top of his head. Neil was wrestling with his nerves to the point that he felt sick, when Alex got up. He wouldn't have though anything of it if it hadn't been for the fact that he got up as if Neil wasn't in his arms and leaning on him; which very nearly resulted in dumping him on the floor. "Hey, watch it. I'm here you know and I break easily." Alex ignored him and headed for the door. "Is everything alright, Alex?" Mrs Cutler asked, looking up. Alex ignored her too. "Alex?" Alex didn't so much as glance over his shoulder as he walked out of the door. "Stay here," Mrs Cutler said anxiously to Neil, and followed. Of course, Neil didn't stay there but followed her instantly. Alex was heading up the stairs. "Alex, where you are you going?" "Bed," he mumbled, his voice strange and distant, as if he was talking to himself and not someone else. "Aren't you going to have some pizza first?" "Bed," he repeated, not pausing. "There are some glucose tablets in the drawer in kitchen." Mrs Cutler hissed, following Alex up the stairs. "Get them as fast as you can." Neil ran. When he got to the bedroom Alex was sitting on the bed trying to lie down, but Mrs Cutler wasn't letting him. She was struggling to keep him upright. "Just a few minutes, baby. You need to eat. You haven't eaten today and you really, really need to get something in you before you go to sleep." Without thinking, Neil leaped onto the bed, kneeling behind Alex so he could prop him upright. Mrs Cutler smiled up at him gratefully. Neil handed her the tube of glucose tablets and she quickly opened them. She held one out to Alex. "Eat this, Alex; quickly." Alex looked at the sugar sweet as if he had no idea what it was or what he was supposed to do with it. "Eat it, Alex," his mother said pressing it against his lips. He moaned softly and turned his head away, trying to pull out of Neil's arms to lie down. "Please, Alex." He turned his head the other way. "Give it to me," Neil said softly. Surprised, Mrs Cutler complied. Gently he drew Alex's head back onto his shoulder. Alex looked up and smiled. "Will you eat this sweet thing for me, Alex?" Alex frowned thoughtfully, his eyes looking at Neil but seeing something else; then smiled. Without waiting for an answer Neil touched the lozenge to Alex's lips, which had parted with the smile. The tip of Alex's tongue touched the sweet and he opened his mouth wide enough for the glucose tablet to slip between his teeth. "You haven't got time to suck it, baby," Mrs Cutler said. "You need to chew." Alex stared past Neil, periodically sucking at the sweet. "Chew the sweet, babe. Chew it for me." Again Alex's brow furrowed into a confused frown. He looked as if he was going to say something but in the end he bit down on the lozenge and shattered it. "Neil, honey." He looked up in surprise at Mrs Cutler's soft words. "See if you can get him to take another and we can let him sleep. He'll be okay then." Neil nodded and reached out for the sweet. Mrs Cutler paused before she dropped it into his palm. "You should know; he doesn't know you." "What?" "Right now, he has no idea who you are, or me. He knows you're there but..." "Of course he knows me; he..." Neil looked down into the beautiful face that was blinking vacantly at him. The realisation hit him hard. "Oh shit," he said quietly as he gently brushed the long dark hair from his lover's face. Alex started past him and sighed, his eyes closing. "No, babe," he said, cupping Alex's cheek and stroking his lips with his thumb. "Not yet. You need to eat one more." Alex opened his mouth to the caress and Neil slipped in the glucose pill. "Chew," he directed and Alex complied. "Okay," Mrs Cutler said, "you can let him lie down now." Neil carefully laid Alex down on the pillow while Mrs Cutler lifted his legs onto the bed. Neil climbed down as Mrs Cutler tenderly tucked the duvet around her son. He was already half asleep. With a sigh he turned over on his side and curled up, sinking fully into sleep. Mrs Cutler stroked his hair then got to her feet. "Thank you," she said to Neil who was standing, immobile, staring down at Alex. "We should go downstairs and let him sleep." "Will he be alright?" "He'll be fine. I'll wake him in an hour and if he wakes easily and recognises me I'll just let him be." "Do you think he will? That looked pretty bad." "It wasn't good and it's frustrating that it's happened after all this time but he'll be fine. When he wakes up he'll be completely back to normal. He always is; even after the really bad ones. We're exhausted and on edge; he's bright and cheerful, until he realises what happened, then he's annoyed but still bright and bouncy – just like he always is." She sounded so sad and tired that, without thinking, Neil put his arm around her shoulder. She looked up at him and smiled. The pizza arrived and they ate. They didn't talk much; their hearts weren't in it. "Can I go to wake Alex," Neil asked when the hour was up. Mrs Cutler looked uncomfortable. "I don't know. You don't know what to look for. I..." "I know what to look for. If he wakes easily and knows who I am then everything is okay. If he doesn't, I'll call you." She still looked uncomfortable. "You're going to have hand over the reins at some point," he reminded her gently. She looked tense for a moment then she relaxed and smiled. "I know," she said and nodded. As he walked past her she laid a hand on his arm. "Thank you, Neil," she said and he smiled. Alex was sound asleep exactly as they'd left him. Neil crouched at the side of the bed, bringing his face level with Alex's. He was so peaceful; it seemed such a shame to wake him. Neil shook his head. What the hell was he thinking? "Alex," he called softly. "Alex, wake up." Alex stirred a little and moaned sleepily. Neil felt weak with relief. He hadn't realised how tense and scared he had been. "Wake up," he repeated, more loudly. Alex stirred more and mumbled something. "Hey you; sleeping beauty, you need to wake up now." A small smile crept over Alex's lips and then he froze, half on his side with his head thrown back. For a moment Neil felt the fluttering of panic, until understanding crawled through his mind. Smiling, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Alex's. Alex kissed him back, then yawned widely. "Hey, this is what I get for being Prince Charming? There's nothing in the storybooks that says when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty she tried to eat him." Alex smiled and opened his eyes. They were sleepy but clear and focussed. "True, but you're no Prince Charming and I sure as hell ain't Sleeping Beauty." "Oh, I don't know about that." Neil kissed him again but this time his response was lukewarm. "Tired," he mumbled, curling up again, snuggling his face into Neil's hand. "Well... I guess it would be okay if you went back to sleep but when you wake up I'm expecting a proper kiss." "Your wish is my command," Alex said with a smile, then he was fast asleep again. Neil was smiling when he went back down the stairs. Mrs Cutler looked up anxiously. "Was he alright? Did he know you?" "I sure hope so. I'd hate to think he'd seduce anyone else like that." She raised her eyebrows. "He tricked me into kissing him." Her eyes widened further. "Sorry, I'm teasing but yeah, he's fine. He licked his lips and smiled. They ate more pizza. Another hour passed. "I think it's my turn now," Mrs Cutler said. "Do you need to wake him again?" "Every hour, but it's just to make sure he can wake up. I don't have to talk to him this time. He won't remember." "Okay." Mrs Cutler didn't crouch down as Neil had. She sat on the bed and stroked Alex's hair gently. "Wake up, baby. Show me your pretty eyes and I'll let you get back to sleep. Come on sweetheart." Alex didn't stir and, apart from some listless stirring and the occasional flash of his eyes, he remained fast asleep despite everything she tried over the following ten minutes. "Oh baby," she said sadly as she stroked his face. He sighed softly but that was all. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she pressed a number on speed dial, praying it would be answered. It was. "Dr Hunter," she said in relief. "It's Caren Cutler. I don't know if you remember me." "Remember you? Of course I remember you; how could I forget? How is my favourite patient?" "Not too great. He's in an attack; a bad one. He checked out completely and I had the devil of a job to get some glucose into him. He woke fine after the first hour and he was lucid and aware but this time I can't get him awake." "Is he responsive at all?" "Yes, he's stirring but he won't actually wake." "Give him another hour. It might just be that he's fallen deep in. How long has it been since he had his last attack?" "A year." "Really? Has it been that long? I think it's understandable then. Try not to worry. Give it another hour and if he still won't rouse give me a ring back." "Thank you so much." With a sigh she disconnected the call and looked down sadly at Alex. "I'm so sorry you're going through this again. I know you thought it was over. But you'll be okay; and you have Neil now." "Is everything okay?" She looked up and smiled at Neil. "He'll be okay. I gave the doctor a ring and he said that as it's been such a long time he's probably gone in deep but he should be okay in an hour or so." "Should be okay?" "Let's just leave it another hour and see how it goes." "But..." "It's the way it goes, Neil. This is what I was talking about. If you're going to stay with Alex you're going to have to get used to it." "If? There's no 'if'. Unless Alex decides he's had enough of me I intend to be with him forever." neil blushed and put his hand in his pocket fingering the box. On impulse he took it out and offered it to Caren. Uncertainly she took it and opened it. "I was going to talk to him tonight. Maybe I should wait a while." "Are you sure? Are you really sure?" "I've never been more sure of anything." "It's a hell of a step, and you're both so young." "We've been together for over a year and I know I'm never going to want anyone else. If he feels the same what's the point of hanging around. I'm twenty five and I've got a good job and Alex will qualify in September. We've already talked about looking for a flat. What better time?" Caren smiled gently at him and handed the box back. "You don't need to convince me. The fact that you're still here tonight convinces me well enough." Briefly they hugged then they went down to watch the end of the film. The third time they tried to wake Alex he was even more deeply asleep and didn't even stir. Caren rang the doctor who told her to take him straight to the hospital and he'd meet them there. Both Caren and Neil were frightened, but Caren reassured them both that this wasn't the first time and he was always okay in the end. Caren called an ambulance to take them to the hospital. It was the only way they could reasonably get Alex there. Neil followed in the car. Alex half woke when the paramedics strapped him to the stretcher but then slid back in immediately. He woke again when they arrived at the hospital but he simply looked around in a complete daze then fell asleep again. Dr Hunter met them inside and immediately had Alex taken to a private room in the part of the hospital he used as his own clinic. Once there he gave Alex a thorough examination then turned to Caren and Neil. "I don't think I've had the pleasure of meeting you before," he said to Neil, holding out his hand. Neil smiled. "I'm Alex's boyfriend." "You're here; that's wonderful. If I remember, the last time I saw Alex he was going through a rather difficult breakup." "Yes," Caren growled. "Asshole. Neil is exactly what Alex needed. He's been so happy." Sleep With Me Dr Hunter smiled warmly. "That's good to hear. Well, I've given Alex a thorough examination. Generally he seems very healthy. He's fully responsive, rousable— just, and very stable. He's simply asleep and he'll wake up in his own time. We'll keep him here until he's fully awake but I don't foresee any problems." Both Caren and Neil sagged with relief and thanked Dr Hunter profusely. "I'll come back in an hour to check up on him but he may well sleep all night now. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to speaking with him again. I wasn't joking when I said he's my favourite patient." With a smile he left. Relief brought boredom and they rattled around in the small room like dried peas in a maraca. Caren brought snacks and drinks and Neil went for a walk in the garden. It was dark and cold but he didn't care. He needed the relief. Alex slept on oblivious. When Dr Hunter came he examined Alex again and announced that nothing had changed. "He'll most likely sleep until morning now. Why don't you go home and come back at about eight? "I'd feel better if I stayed until he wakes up. I remember last time." "I told you, Caren. Last time was a VERY rare occurrence. Alex is fully responsive and stable. He's not going to stop breathing this time." "He doesn't usually sleep this deeply for this long thought. That unsettles me and I'd rather wait." "And I'm not going anywhere either," Neil volunteered. With a smile and a shrug Dr Hunter left. In the night Alex got restless. He moaned softly and tossed on the pillow. Caren laid her hand on his forehead but he was cool. Whatever was disturbing him wasn't a fever. She tried to wake him but he was way out of it. She couldn't be sure, but she thought his breathing was off. It was probably only her fear but maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to get him checked. Memories of the last occasion tormented her and she knew instinctively that something was distinctly not right. By the time Dr Hunter got there Alex had gone completely still and, in the silence, there was no mistaking the fact that his breathing was getting harsh. Dr Hunter examined him carefully and looking up, pinching his lip. "Well, his chest is clear, he doesn't have a fever and he's still stable, although his reactions are sluggish and there's definitely an edge to his breathing. For now, I'm just going to keep a close eye on him but I'm afraid you might be right. He's definitely gone in deep this time." "Is he going to be alright?" "Of course he is. He's just asleep, even though it is an unusually deep sleep. He's not unconscious. He'll wake up in his own time. Try not to worry." "Yeah, as if that is going to happen." Dr Hunter put his hand on Neil's shoulder encouragingly. "He'll be fine, Neil. Have faith." He tried; he really tried but it's hard to have faith when you're sitting at your boyfriend's bed willing him to wake up and watching him slip further and further out of reach. Neil knew he was slipping away because he could hear it. Why didn't anyone else realise that his breathing was getting slower and shallower with every breath. "For God's sake just go and get the doctor," he found himself almost shouting at a nurse who'd just told him that Alex's sudden restlessness and flushed cheeks were nothing to worry about. He knew damn well they were something to worry about because he'd been sitting here for half an hour watching his struggle to breathe getting harder and harder. "I'm not going sit here for one minute longer being told a load of crap about there being nothing to worry about. Either you get the doctor here now or I'm going to tear this place apart to find him." The nurse looked taken aback and even a little frightened. "Alright," she said. "Calm down and I'll see if I can find him." "Don't 'see' if you can find him. Make damn sure you do." "Was there really any need for that, Neil?" Caren asked when they were alone "Really? You can ask that, really? Half an hour ago you were the one pushing the issue with the doctor. You can see as well as I can what's happening. He's going downhill and I'm damn sure I'm going to make sure there's someone to catch him before he hits the bottom." She really didn't have anything to say to that. The doctor was clearly frustrated but trying hard to hide it; at least until he saw Alex. After examining him Dr Hunter turned to Neil and Caren. "I'm very sorry. I should learn to listen to my patients and those who know them best. You are, of course quite right and you always were. You've been with Alex a long time. "You know what's going on. He's so deeply asleep it suppressing his respiratory system. If we leave him he'll stop breathing." Caren nodded her head, looking scared; but not as scared as she had been ten minutes earlier. At least now something was being done. "We're going to have to help him with that until he starts coming out of it and can take over for himself again." Caren nodded again. "I want to set up some monitors as well so we can keep an eye on his vitals. I don't for one moment expect anything to go wrong but it's best not to take any chances." "Of course. Whatever you say." Caren was relieved and grateful; Neil more wary and defensive. "We told you." "Yes, you did and I'm sorry I didn't listen. Next time I will." "I hope there won't be a next time." "So do we all, but unfortunately, with a condition like this the chances are there is always going to be a next time." Neil and Caren went down to the closed canteen while they were setting everything up with Alex. "I'm so glad you're with me, Neil," Caren said softly. "I'm glad I'm here. I just wish Alex knew I was." "He'll know when he wakes up." "Will it really happen like that? That in a few hours he'll just wake up and everything will be normal again." "When is anything with Alex ever normal?" she asked with a smile. "But pretty much, yes." "It's killing me." "I know and that's exactly what I was concerned about before, Neil. Can you understand why I was so suspicious of you?" "Yeah, I guess I do. I hope you realise now that your suspicions weren't warranted." "Oh, I do. I promise I do." They knew as soon as Dr Hunter walked into the room that something was wrong. He sat down in a chair at their table looking tired and worried. "What's wrong?" Neil demanded immediately. Dr Hunter looked at him for a moment. "I don't quite know what to say. I've... I've had these talks plenty of times and they never get any easier." "What 'talks'? What are you trying to tell us?" "I'm afraid there have been some complications." "What do you mean complications?" Caren was almost in tears. She was so frightened that when Neil reached for her hand and squeezed it she didn't even know he was there. "We successfully intubated Alex but when we were setting up the monitors there were some anomalous readings, so I carried out further tests and—." "And what? What's wrong with Alex? What's happening?" "Alex is... not asleep, Caren; he's unconscious; profoundly unconscious. He's completely unresponsive. I have no idea what happened, when it happened, how it happened or why it happened but somewhere Alex crossed a boundary and now—." "He's in a coma," Neil said bleakly. Dr Hunter nodded. "But...but how? He was... He... This has never happened before. There was nothing different this time. You told me... you promised. You said he was alright." "And he was. I've no idea what happened to change it. I'm as baffled as you are." "That's not really what you want to hear when your boyfriend's in a coma, Dr Hunter," Neil said with deceptive softness. "To be honest I don't give a rat's arse what happened or why. All I care about it what's going to happen now. What are you doing? What are you going to do? What's going to happen to Alex; now?" "Good questions." Dr Hunter paused and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't want you to have any illusions here; Alex's condition is serious, very serious. You can't take this level of unconsciousness lightly. Whatever's gone wrong; whatever's happened there's no doubt that, at this moment, Alex is a very sick boy. It doesn't make it any easier that we don't know what caused it. Without a cause I've no idea how to treat him. "For the moment all we can do is take care of him and support him until we have more information about what's going on. I've sent him for a scan in case there's something going on inside his head we don't know about. I've taken blood and it's being rushed through the lab. I've done every test I can think of and I hope that when we have the results we'll know more. Until then... "I'm having him moved up to the ICU. When he's come back from the scan and is settled I'll send someone to fetch you can you can sit with him. I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I wish I could give you more information but I just don't have any." "Is he going to be alright?" "I don't know, Caren; I just don't know." As soon as he'd gone Caren fell apart. Neil put his arms around her but he wasn't much help because he was shaking inside and out and he felt sick to his core. How could things have gone wrong so fast? How could this have happened? Only a few hours ago they were all sitting eating pizza and now—. It was the longest night of their lives. First they paced in the café, then they sat at Alex's bedside, shocked and speechless. He still looked as if he was asleep. Nothing had changed; except for the machinery and equipment that surrounded the bed. His face was so peaceful. Did he know? Did he know how things had changed? Was he aware that everything was different? What was going on inside? It didn't help when the test results started to come back normal in every case. Everything was textbook. To all intent and purpose he was a very healthy twenty two year old young man. There was nothing to explain his condition; nothing except the simple fact that he was undeniably and profoundly unconscious. His mind and body had shut down and were continuing to shut down moment by moment. It was as if at some point he'd reached the bottom of the slide, fell off the edge and was slipping into the void. Caren sat with her head bowed, holding Alex's hand. It was cold and still. Neil paced the room. It wasn't a room really, just a glass cubicle, open to the ward of other cubicles, all just the same; each containing another sick person and their worried families. All through the night and the next day they sat and paced and listening and waited and nothing changed. The click and hiss and whir and beep of the machinery became so integrated into their minds that they ceased to hear them. The flashing lines and numbers were hypnotic and life on the ward, the hospital and the outside world receded, leaving them in their own private bubble. Very quickly it was normalised and they fell into routines and ways of thinking. Neither one of them thought of going home. Even the all encompassing, choking, suffocating fear receded to the background when hour after hour and then day after day, nothing changed. Alex got neither better nor worse. He slept on a plateau between life and death veering towards neither but with the potential to fall very quickly or rise just as fast. As time passed the fear released them altogether and boredom took over. Sitting at someone's bedside, holding their hand and watching them sleep gets old very quickly. Even if you love that person very much there's no mental stimulation and restless boredom always wins eventually. On the third day, Dr Hunter started talking about long term care. There was no sign whatever that Alex was going to be waking up anytime soon. "Alex would be more comfortable in a long term care home and, more importantly, so would you. Let's be frank about this... Alex could be on a barge in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and it would mean nothing to him. It's you I'm concerned about. This is no place to be spending your days. "If Alex was showing any signs; any signs at all, that his coma was lightening I'd be more than happy to keep him here and work towards recovery, but there isn't. There's nothing; not a flicker of life. I don't understand it and I can't do a thing to change it. "There are some very good care homes that specialise in giving long term care to people like Alex, who are not responding to short term care. The can provide better facilities... for Alex and for you." "Isn't it a bit soon to be writing him off?" "I'm not writing him off, Caren. I'm not telling you there's no hope; that nothing is going to change, but I don't think anything is going to change anytime soon and it's unfair on all of you to linger here. It's no place for..." "It's a place for sick people; a place to make them better and I am not writing off my son. I believe he will get better and I want him to be here, under your care, until he does. If you have a problem with that I can find another doctor and another hospital." "I don't have a problem with it, Caren. You know how fond I am of Alex and this is killing me." "So you send him away so you don't have to look at him; to think about it?" "That's not it at all." "Then prove it." Dr Hunter sighed. "Alright, a few more day, a week. If there's no change in a week..." "If there's no change in a week I'll accept you've done everything you can and it's time to move on." It didn't take a week. Late in the evening of the following day, Caren and Neil were sitting on either side of the bed, holding Alex's hands and talking softly about what the doctor had said and the fact that the inevitability of it was getting more and more apparent. "I can't help but feel that once he goes into a place like that he won't be coming out again." "I know what you mean. I've done some research and that's pretty much the case. The problem is that it's impossible to consider prognosis when no one can say what happened or what is happening to him. It's an impossible situation." "How did we get here, Neil? Why did this happen? Alex doesn't deserve this." "No, he definitely doesn't deserve it; none of us deserve it." "What do we do now? I don't know how to fight anymore. I don't know what I'm fighting for. Maybe we should just accept that he's not coming back." "It's not been a week yet. It's too early to write him off." "But it's... oh." Both of them looked down at the same time as Alex's fingers curled round theirs. They looked up and met eyes. Then they looked down again. They were too stunned to speak. "Get the doctor," Caren said urgently as Alex started to stir. Neil nodded and disappeared. By the time he got back only moments later Alex's eyes were fluttering and, as he slid his hand into Alex's again the big blue eyes blinked open. Alex looked surprised, but wide awake. He reached out to Neil and tugged his hand, biting down hard on the plastic tube in his mouth. He frowned and shook his head. When the doctor arrived Alex looked relieved and tugged on his sleeve when he tried to examine him. Alex had only one thing on his mind and he wasn't going to let the doctor do anything until he had dealt with it. Dr Hunter had no choice but to capitulate or Alex would have yanked the tube out himself and that wasn't a desirable event at all. "Alright, Alex, try to relax and when I tell you to, cough. Understand?" Alex shrugged and the doctor shook his head in exasperation. Alex choked when the tube slid out but as soon as he stopped he said. "What the hell's going on? What am I doing here? What's all this stuff?" They were astonished. Alex left the hospital the following day as if nothing had ever happened. Caren and Neil were stunned. Everything had happened so fast they had no idea what was going on, what they were supposed to think. Alex couldn't understand. He was himself and they weren't. Shouldn't it have been the other way round? Alex completely dismissed what had happened to him when he was told about it. He didn't want to know and didn't take it seriously at all. They went back to Alex's house and, after something of a tense evening, it was time for Neil to go. It was the first time he'd been home in almost a week. After having a quick word with Caren, she disappeared, leaving them alone. "Alex, there's something I want to talk to you about." "Uh oh, this sounds serious," Alex said, with a smile. "It is. I was going to do it before— God it seems like a long time ago but— The night you got ill I was meaning to talk to you about it, but events took over. I was sure it was the right thing to do then and I'm even more sure it's the right thing to do now. I wasn't going to make a big thing of it. I was just going to have a talk, see what you felt, take it from there but things have changed. I thought I was going to lose you and I don't want to feel like that ever again. I want to be with you forever, Alex." "I want to be with you forever too. I..." "Please, just listen." "Okay." Swallowing nervously, Neil slid off the sofa to his knees. Alex looked at him in surprise, a little worried. Neil's fingers closed around the box in his pocket. For a moment he wondered if he was doing the right thing. Then he looked up into Alex's puzzled face and laughed. Why was he even doubting? Of course it was the right thing. Pulling out the box, he opened it and held it out to Alex who stared at the rings and then at Neil completely uncomprehendingly. "What? Are they for me? Both of them?" "They're for us... if you want them; if you want me." Alex shook his head with a frown but suddenly realisation dawned and his eyes went wide with shock. "Shit! Are you—? Is this—? Are you proposing to me?" "Very badly, yeah." "Shit. Fuck. Shit." Alex was completely shocked and dumbfounded. "I... I don't know what to say." "You could say yes." Alex grinned and nodded. "Yes. Of course yes. A thousand times yes." Then the smile faded and he put his hand over the box. "Neil, before we do this—." "What?" Neil's heart thudded. What was wrong? Was he going to change his mind? Was he going to say no?" "What happened... to me. You know it's going to happen again, right? Hopefully it won't be as bad as this next time, but there will be a next time. Are you cool with that?" "No, I'm not cool with it. I will never be cool with it but I'm prepared to live with it. You have to." "Yeah, I have to... but you don't." "Yeah I do. I want you, Alex. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. I love you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone. I don't care what burdens you carry. I'll help you carry them." "Really?" "Yeah, really." "Then of course it's yes." With shaking hands Neil took a ring from the box and slid it onto Alex's finger. With hands that shook just as much Alex took out the other ring and slipped it onto Neil's finger. Then they cried and hugged and Caren joined them and she cried and hugged. And then Alex laid his hand against Neil's face and whispered. "Don't go home tonight. Sleep with me."