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Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 01

By: bmunchausen



Before I start I want to thank Catheath, for being my editor, consultant, muse and friend. She is kind and patient with her help and guidance. Even her criticisms make me feel good.

This is why these stories are dedicated to her. She is a warm, wonderful and very beautiful young woman. Again, thank you Catheath.

This story is a first for the old Baron, writing from the female point of view. I hope that it works. Please let me know.

Be warned...as usual the story goes on for a long while before you get to any erotic scenes, but I believe that it will be worth it. Again, let me know.

I should mention that in working on the female orgasm I read "My Take on Writing a Female Orgasm," by Redhairedandfriendly. It is an excellent article. 

Chapter 1

I slowly walked toward the gate. The gate that would take me to the airplane, which would take me far from this, the most wonderful city in the world. The plane that would take me back to Santa Fe, back to the University, back to the classrooms and the students, back to the Convent of St. Mary.

I stopped and turned around. He was standing there watching me. I took one step toward him and then rushed back into his arms. He held me tight and kissed me. I tried to melt into his arms, to become one with him...forever.

"Last call for Flight 451 to Santa Fe International Airport," came over the PA System. The clerk then said, without the aid of the PA, "Ma'am If you want to get this plane, you better go now."

We broke apart and he gave me a sad smile and said, "I love you, Carol." I quietly said, "I love you, Zack." I looked into his eyes and said, "In answer to your question of Wednesday morning...YES my love...yes...I'll marry you." I turned and ran through the closing gate and walked to the plane. The stewardess who closed the door was walking behind me and said, "It's not easy leaving him, is it?"

I gave her a smile and said. "One of the hardest things I have ever done."

"I know what you mean, but you will be back together soon, I know it."

"Yes, we will."

I found my seat and after stowing my carryon bag under it, seeing that the tray table was secure and ensuring that my seat was in an upright position, I put my head back, closed my eyes and thought about how things became so crazy...so wonderful.

It's funny, usually at this point, the storyteller says something like, "Where should I start?" or "I'm not sure where this all began." But, I don't have that problem. I know exactly where this started.

Around seven years ago, I was standing in a classroom in St. Steven's High School, in a rather tough section of Baltimore. This was my first teaching assignment, fresh out of MIT with a degree in mathematics. I had recently taken my final vows in the Order of St. Benedict. I was a nun and now a high school teacher. Truth be known, I wanted to be a nun, but I would have rather been somewhere else. Teaching a bunch of tough high school seniors was not exactly what I wanted to do.

But, I had taken the vow of obedience so when the Mother Provincial said, "Carol, You will be going to St. Steven's in Baltimore." I said "Yes, Mother."

St. Steven's also had the Christian Brothers de La Salle (the French Christian Brothers) teaching there. Like us, their mission was to teach the sons and daughters of the poor and working class. They were a tough bunch of Brothers, they didn't take any guff, but the kids absolutely loved them.

Now, I wouldn't want you to think that we Nuns were a bunch of pushovers. We "Bennies" could be just as tough as the "Frenchies." And the kids liked us too, as much as the Brothers? Yea I think so. Where they could be more physically intimidating, with us nuns it was by force of will.

It was the first day of classes and I was in my homeroom. I was standing by the window looking out when I heard someone walk into the room. I was told that Zachary Miller would be the first one in. His mother drops him off early, as she had to be at work in the office of a nearby factory.

I turned and saw a handsome young man walking into the classroom. He was about six feet tall with light brown hair and light blue eyes. He was well built, with broad shoulders, a thin waist and a light easy gait. I could imagine that he could have his pick of the girls here at St. Steven's, in fact, probably anywhere.

I smiled and said, "Good morning, I'm Sister Carol. You must be Zachary. I was told that you are usually the first student to arrive."

He stared at me. His blue eyes were as big as saucers. His jaw dropped and he walked right into a desk, which crashed to the floor with Zachary falling over it and his books flying all over.

I quickly ran over to it and helped him off of the desk. He was stammering, trying to put some words together. Seeing that he was okay, I sat in one of the desks and laughingly asked, "My goodness, Zachary. Do I look that frightening that you fall over desks trying to get away?"

His eyes got even bigger, if that was possible, and he stuttered, "No, no, no, Sister you're not frightening...not at all."

"Just hideous, huh?" I said with a smile.

"No Sister, you're not hideous, you're the most beautiful woman I have ever seeeeeeeennnnnnn."

I don't know who was more surprised to hear that. When he realized what he said he turned a deeper red and stammered, "No...no I...I...I didn't mean that..."

I couldn't help teasing him. "Then I'm not beautiful."

"Oh God...Oh no...I didn't mean that...you are, but I 'm not supposed to tell..."

My heart went out to him and I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "I'll tell you what Zachary, why don't you take your books and go out side and then come back in and we will act like this never happened. We will start all over again."

He got up, picked his books up and as he walked toward the door, I softly said, "Thank you, Zachary. No one has ever told me that before."

"Then everybody around here must be blind." Was all he said as he walked to the door and went out.

I had expected him to just walk out and come right back in. But he didn't. The classroom slowly filled, but no Zachary. Some of the other students commented on his absence. I was beginning to think that maybe he was too embarrassed to come back. Had I teased him too much?

Just before the bell rang, Zachary walked into the room ever so slowly. One of the young men said, "Hey Zack, where you been?"

It was like he didn't hear that. He was looking at me. In keeping with our charade, I said, "I'm Sister Carol, I will be your homeroom teacher this year. And you are?"

He started to stutter again and said, "I'm Zack, no no, I'm Zachary...Zachary...ah Zachary Miller."

"Well Zachary Zachary Zachary Miller, I think that I will just call you Zachary, if you don't mind, it's a bit easier that way," I said with a laugh.

The class picked up on that and started laughing and one group, who I later learned were on the swimming team, started to chant, "Zachary Zachary Zachary... Zachary Zachary Zachary."

I put my foot down and stopped that right away. But, as he walked down the aisle, I couldn't help saying, "Be careful, Zachary. Don't trip over the desk." He turned a bit red and took his seat.

I spent the homeroom time telling the class that I had just graduated from MIT and that I had just taken my final vows and that they were my very first class. That they were my first class made more of an impression than anything else. One of the girls yelled out, "Hey that makes us your Firsts."

The rest of the class picked up on that and from that moment they called themselves "The Firsts."

The homeroom class was also my religion class, however, Zachary was also in my Advanced Placement Calculus and Trigonometry classes. He was a good student, and a great one in Calculus and Trig. He seemed to understand everything I said.

He could be a bit of a tease, and would clown around at times, but never in an annoying or a hurtful way. He was a good-natured young man.

I soon became conscious of the fact that he had a crush on me. At times I would catch him staring at me. When I did he would quickly look away. I found that it wasn't unpleasant to have this handsome young man admire me.

I did realize that he wasn't much younger than me. He was around eighteen years old and I had just turned twenty-one. But it wasn't the age difference that made the separation, it was the difference in authority. I was the teacher and a nun and he was the student.

The year flew by. I was thrilled when Zachary received a scholarship to Stanford University in California. He credited me with getting it for him. I had written a letter of recommendation. I didn't think that a letter from a teacher who only had a semester of experience with a student had much weight, but he thought it did.

Zachary finished the year as the salutatorian and he received the Calculus medal, I had no input in that, but I wasn't surprised as he had a perfect mark. He lost out to Mary Beth, the Valedictorian by only a half a point. He wasn't bothered by that at all. His only comment was, "Hey, I like Mary Beth, she's smart and a real nice girl."

On the last day of classes, my homeroom met in our classroom after school. They presented me with a crystal sculpture that was engraved with "To the worlds GREATEST teacher. Thank you for being our teacher, mentor and especially our friend. Love your very first class...The Firsts. It was dated the last day of class.

I couldn't thank them enough. As they slowly left I shook their hands and gave hugs to the girls. The last one to leave was Zachary. He took my hand in his and smiled at me. "Sister, I wanted to thank you for all that you did for me. And I don't just mean the letter."

I leaned over and gave him a small hug. "Thank you, Zachary."

He looked at me with a question on his eyes. "For being you," I laughed "And for falling over desks."

He reddened a little and squeezed my hand. As he walked out of the classroom he turned his head and said in a soft voice, "I haven't changed my mind about what I told you that first day."

Then, he was gone out into the hall, I was a bit surprised that he said that. I smiled and as I turned and I walked back to my desk, I saw one of those yellow sticky notes on the crystal. I looked closely. The note was placed just above the engraving. There was an arrow pointing between the words "GREATEST" and "teacher" in a very precise printing it said, "And most beautiful."

My eyes filled with tears. I quickly wiped them, took my sculpture, with the note still attached and went to my car and back to the convent.

At the commencement ceremony, Zachary gave his speech after Mary Beth. As he approached the podium he looked at me and smiled. I was smiling, my favorite student was up there giving a speech.

I felt so proud. To be truthful, I really don't remember what he talked about. I was far to engrossed in just watching him. His facial expressions, his gestures, his eyes and how they would quickly look away when they met mine.

The speech must have been good because he did receive resounding applause, especially from the Swimming Team. As he walked off of the stage, they started that chant, "Zachary Zachary Zachary... Zachary Zachary Zachary..."

After the ceremony ended, I went out to the school lobby, looking for him and his family. I saw him run to the stairway and knew where he was going. Up to the third floor to finish emptying his locker.

I took the elevator, as a teacher I could do that. As I walked down the hall, I heard a locker door slam open. He was so intent in getting everything out that he didn't hear me walk up behind him.

I said, "I thought that I would find you here."

He turned around and I continued, "I wanted to tell you just how proud of you I am. And I have a little something, for you. Just so you won't forget me too soon." I handed him a small box.

He took the box and as he started to open it, he mumbled, "I don't need anything to remember you, sister."

He opened the box. There was a small silver charm, in the shape of eyeglasses the old type that hooked to the nose; a pinz nez.

He looked up at me and I said, "Maybe these will help you to see things the way they are."

He answered in a very soft voice, "Sister, I don't need glasses to see things that way."

I went on, "Well then, maybe they will keep you from tripping over desks at Stanford."

"Since you won't be there I won't have to worry about being attacked by any desks at Stanford," he said with a big grin.

"Zachary, you are incorrigible," I laughed. I could feel my cheeks getting warm as I blushed. I leaned over and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. "I wish you the best of luck, but the way you work, you won't need any. You'll make your own."

He stood there looking at me with those big blue eyes, his mouth was moving but no sounds came out. Then we heard his fathers voice from the stairs, "Zack, lets get going, we have reservations for seven."

He walked into the hall and said, "Oh, Sister, I was hoping that I would see you. I really want to thank you for all you did for Zack. That letter was absolutely wonderful...but just who were you writing about?"

I could see where Zack got his teasing from. I laughed and said, "I was writing about one of my favorite students."

Mr. Miller was smiling, "Well since you are a nun, I won't comment on your choice of favorites."

I shook their hands and said good-bye and as I walked away, I heard Mr. Miller. "Hey Zack, come back to the world of the living. Wow, you really have a thing for her, don't you?"

I turned the corner but stopped to listen. Yes I was eavesdropping. I couldn't help myself.

"Zack, she is a nun. You shouldn't think about her like that. But, I can see what you see in her. She's a lovely woman." He said in a soft understanding voice.

"Au, Dad, it ain't like that. I like her, but I know that she is a nun. But, I can dream can't I?"

Mr. Miller laughed, "Zack, you're too much like your old man than is healthy. But don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

Zack said, "I know, thanks Dad."

I heard them walk down the hall. I slowly walked to the faculty parking lot. I had tears in my eyes. I would miss that boy, I would miss him a lot. Did the teacher have a crush on her student? I guess I did. I wiped my eyes, steeled myself and drove to my cell in the Mother House.

Life went on, the next time I saw Zack was the next June. He and a friend Marty, who had also been in my homeroom and was on the swim team, came back for a visit.

Zack looked wonderful, he was still in shape, still had the infectious, impish smile and the light easy laugh. But, there was a difference and it took a second before I realized just how much the last year had matured him.

I don't know how long he had been standing outside my classroom before I noticed him. When I looked up he had the same look that he had on the first day of homeroom. "He still thinks that I am beautiful," I thought to my self and a warm feeling seemed to flow through my body.

I smiled and he came into the room. I sort of giggled and said, "Watch for the desks, Zachary."

He walked in a very exaggerated cautious way, as if working his way through a minefield. When he reached me he stopped and took both of my hands in his and said, "Sister Carol, my you're a sight for sore eyes."

I pushed him and said, "Zachary, you haven't changed a bit."

He smiled and said, "God, neither have you. You are lovel..." he stopped, then he gave a little laugh shook his head and said, "Sister, you look as lovely as ever."

He was no longer the student. He had grown.

We stood there holding hands, talking about our year and then Marty came busting into the room. I let go of Zack's hands and turned to welcome Marty. They left a short time later.

As I had just received my Masters Degree, I was sent to the mid-west, to Minneapolis, Minnesota to teach in one of our colleges and later to Los Angeles when I started to work on my doctorate. I didn't see Zack for the next six years. During those years I lost all touch with him, but I did occasionally receive letters from one or two of the girls who had been one of the Firsts.

All they seemed to know about Zack is that he was still good looking and was in the Army. I never heard any more about him. But that didn't mean that I never thought about him. I still had that crystal (I called it the ice berg) and that yellow sticky on it. The yellow paper wasn't sticky any more and I used scotch tape to hold it on.

Zack had become a one of those warm wonderful memories that we treasure.

After receiving my Doctorate, I was sent to a small university just outside of Santa Fe, New Mexico. I was teaching subjects I loved, to students who wanted to learn. I had a couple of undergraduate classes and a few graduate classes. I was in heaven.

I was lucky enough to have a paper published in a rather prestigious journal and in March of the following year was asked to speak at a conference of mathematicians, in St. Louis. The people running the conference would be footing the bill for the flight and the hotel room, but I was on my own as far as meals went.

The money that was given to me by the order was more than enough to pay for my food, just as long as I didn't eat out every night. I was comfortable with the situation. And I was very excited about giving my talk. I was also very nervous. I would be talking to people who knew my subject as well, if not better that I did and many who formulated postulates that I had worked with.

I arrived at the hotel on Sunday afternoon, as I was giving my talk on Monday morning they wanted me there on Sunday. After unpacking my bags, I went down to the lobby. I was going to go out for a walk, I had never been in St. Louis and wanted to see the city. I also thought as this was my first night here I could splurge and I would have dinner out.

As I walked through the lobby I saw what I thought was a familiar face. I looked closely and thought, "Oh my God, that's Zack...that's Zachary Miller." He had really grown up. There walking through the lobby was not a young boy but a man. A very handsome and mature man. It seemed that he had a slight limp...but I didn't pay attention.

I gawked. I was lucky that there were no tables or desks in front of me or I would have walked into it. Without thinking I blurted out, "Zachary Zachary Zachary Miller."

He looked up at me and smiled. Then it was like he really saw who was talking to him. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. In an instant he became that eighteen-year-old boy in my homeroom at St. Steven's.

He still thinks that I'm beautiful? The way he was looking at me really made me feel that way.

He took a couple of steps and then he stopped and looked all around. I thought that something was wrong and said, "Zack, is something wrong?"

He looked up at me and smiled that mischievous smile and said, "Just checking for loaded desks, can't be too careful you know."

I started to laugh and took both of his hands in mine and said, "Oh Zachary it's so good to see you. But, what are you doing in St. Louis?"

"I'm here at the Maritime Symposium, I'm giving a talk tomorrow in the early afternoon. The organizers wanted me here tonight. So here I am. But, what are you doing in St. Louis, the last I heard you were out here in the mid-west, teaching at some college."

"I'm in New Mexico now, just outside of Santa Fe. It's a small university and I'm teaching math to undergrads and graduate students. They sent me there after I received my doctorate. I love it," I said.

He smiled and said, "That explains why you look all tan and healthy. A doctorate? I'm really impressed. Tell me do I call you Doctor Sister Carol or Sister Doctor Carol?"

It felt good to see that he hadn't changed, still a tease. I laughed, "Just Carol will be good." Then I realized what I said and I closed my eyes, knowing what he was going to say.


Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 01



I heard him laugh and then he said, "No, I won't say what you are expecting...that would be too easy."

He then gave me a big smile and said, "But it may be hard, you've always been Sister Carol, but I will try, Carol."

"You still haven't told me what you are doing here. Or is it classified, on a secret mission and I could have blown your cover."

I rolled my eyes and then said, "I'm speaking at the Mathematicians Convention, I am also speaking tomorrow, but in the morning and that's why I'm here tonight."

I went on, "It's really nice, they are paying for everything, my flight and the room. The only expense that I have is my meals. I'm on my own for that."

Zack broke into a big grin and said, "That's wonderful, now you won't be able to turn down my invitation to dinner. I'm sure that the Order has you on a rather tight budget, so I have all intentions to take up the slack."

"In fact I am meeting a couple of Army buddies tonight and..."

I started to laugh and interrupted, "Zack, you don't want me along with a bunch of Army buddies."

He held up his hand and said, "The bunch is two and they will have their wives with them, believe me you will fit right in. It will be a lot of laughs, you will think that you are back at Sing Sing."

I rolled my eyes, "Zack, that's not much of an incentive, now is it?"

He gave a little laugh, "I guess not, but it won't be that bad...well maybe it won't."

We found a couple of chairs and sat talking while we waited for the Army to arrive. I told him about my travels since leaving St. Stephen's and how I ended up in Santa Fe.

He told me that after he got out of the Army he got a job working at a ship building company that was owned by a friend's uncle, in fact one of the guys that he was meeting tonight and how he and another young engineer had designed a keel for racing boats. That was why he was here; he was going to talk about the keel.

As we sat there, two rather large young men walked up and stood next to where we were sitting. They seemed to be arguing about something.

One was blonde and the other had black hair. The guy with the black hair was saying, "I'm telling you, Terry, that's not him. That's not Papa."

The blonde argued, "Bobby that's him. That's Papa Swiss."

Bobby wasn't convinced, "No way, this guy is fat, out of shape and ugly...I mean really ugly. There was no way that Papa was this ugly."

Terry continued to argue, " Look Bobby, let me explain, and I know this stuff because I took a whole semester of psychology in college. Ya see, when you experience unbelievable ugliness and then it is taken away, like sent to the States and then thrown out of the Army, your mind being so delicate, can't continue to remember that ugliness. What it does is pretty it up. So what your mind had done is pretty up your memory of Papa."

Bobby shook his head and said, "There is no way that I could ever be friends with something that fat and ugly."

I noticed that there were two very attractive women standing to the side. They were quietly laughing and shaking their heads.

Then Terry said, "Well, I guess that I will just have to prove it to you."

He grabbed Zack's arm and said, "Get up, I gotta prove something."

He stood Zack between him and Bobby and blew at Zack's chest. Bobby mimed like he was being hit by a gale force wind. When Terry stopped, Bobby grabbed Zack and gave him a huge bear hug, lifting him off the ground.

He practically screamed, "Holy shit, it is you PAPA."

He dropped Zack and Terry grabbed him and hugged Zack. They stood there pounding each other on the back.

At this point the two beautiful women come over and pushed the guys away and wrapped their arms around Zack.

One of them, who I later learned was Miriam, said, "Leave Zack alone, he is ours now." The two women then started to kiss Zack all over.

Terry turned to Bobby and said, "Uh, Bobby, do you think we should be worried?"

Bobby laughed, "Terry, that's Papa. What's to worry about?"

Then Bobby turned to me and in a voice so oily that could end our energy problems said, "And just who are you, my beauty?"

At that point, Terry seemed to have discovered me. "Wow, Papa, just where did you find this lovely creature." He then took my hand and kissed it and in a disgustingly greasy voice continued, "For such a beauty, you sure don't have any taste in men. I should warn you that Papa is just an old broken down soldier."

Bobby chimed in with, "You should know that he a Army reject. Such a beautiful woman as you deserves a real man, a lot more than that patched up old gimp. You gotta realize that he is being held together with bailing wire and duct tape."

I gave them my sweetest smile and said, "Gentlemen, I think that you should return to your wives." Glancing over at them, I added, "That is...if they still want you."

Bobby roared, "Holy Christ, I haven't been put down that badly since I asked Miriam out the first time."

The two women laughed and Miriam said, "Carol, I'm Miriam and this is Rachel. We are married to these two Neanderthals."

Rachel then added, "You have to realize, we didn't meet Zack until after we married these two bozos."

Terry grabbed his chest and moaned, "Stabbed through my heart, by my one and only."

Zack pushed him into a chair and said, "What are you talking about, you don't have a heart."

Terry just sat there and laughed.

Bobby stood there, looked at me and said, "If you think I worry about what they say, you have another thing coming. He is all yours...that is if your taste doesn't improve."

At this point, Miriam and Rachel come over and took my arms and dragged me away saying, "You are now ours."

Miriam giggled and said, "Zack, you are in big trouble, we are going to tell this poor waif everything we know about you."

Zack was laughing and yelled, "Carol, don't believe a word they say."

We went to a restaurant that Terry and Rachel knew. It was within walking distance of the hotel. As we had a few drinks, I told them that I had been Zack's teacher in his senior year.

Miriam said, "You were just out of college, weren't you."

"Yes, it was my first job."

"And he fell in love with you. And he is still in love with you. Now having met you, a lot of things are clear."

"Zack has never gotten serious with anyone...and now we know why."

I was shocked, could these women think that Zack was in love with me. I couldn't believe it. Sure he had a schoolboy crush on me but LOVE. Never.

I laughed at them and said, "Look Zack may have had a crush on me but ladies you don't know what you are talking about."

They both laughed and Miriam went, "When we came in to the hotel lobby and saw the way that you were sitting and talking, we naturally assumed that you two were more than just friends or acquaintances."

I was shocked and said, "Really?" she asked.

Rachel smiled, "Let me tell you something, girl, the way that Zack was looking at you, and I have to say the way you were looking back..."

"We all thought that you were lovers," Miriam interrupted.

I gave them a small smile and said, "No that's one thing we are not."

"Well then you should be," Rachel laughed. "You two make a beautiful couple."

"It's a bit complicated..." I said.

"You're not married are you?" Miriam asked.

"No, I'm not...I'm a nun."

They both looked at me like I had two heads. Rachel said, "Really...you don't look like a Nun."

I laughed and said, "We don't wear the habits much any more. But let me assure I am really a Nun."

Miriam laughed and said, "Well then you shouldn't be. Now don't take this wrong or as a criticism of you or your vocation, but I can't understand what the Catholic's obsession with chastity is. I'm Jewish and all of our Rabbis are married. I don't see how the love for someone will effect your love for God." She laughed and threw her hands up, saying, "I have said my piece and that all I will say."

Rachel smiled and said, "I would have never taken you for a Nun. But then I have never known any Nuns before, I always thought you guys were like the Nun in The Blues Brothers. You know wearing the long black habit and gliding over the floor."

Rachel gave me sort of sad smile and in a voice just loud enough for Miriam and I to hear, said, "I will say this and then stop; I think that Zack is in love with you, and I think that the feeling is mutual..."

I went to open my mouth, but she held up her hand stopping me from saying anything.

"Maybe you will never admit it, but I think that you have some very strong feelings for Zack. I can't imagine what it's like...loving someone who is unobtainable. I feel for the both of you."

Rachel looked like she was going to cry and I realized that she was very serious and that both she and Miriam had very strong feelings for Zack.

Miriam was getting rather emotional, and she said, "Carol, all this aside, we love Zack more than you know..."

Rachel broke in and said, "If it wasn't for Zack...we would both be widows. Zack brought both Terry and Bobby back after they had been hurt. Zack saved them."

I could see the tears in Miriam's eyes. She said, "Bobby still gets upset about Zack loosing his knee because..."

I asked, "His knee..."

Rachel laughed and said, "You two have a lot to talk about."

At this point the "boys" came back and the silliness started again. Dinner was just wonderful. All I could think about was what the women said. Did Zack love me?

All I could do was watch him. He was wonderful, he laughed and made the others laugh.

They all loved him. Not because of what he had done for them but for who he was. He loved them and I slowly came to realize that he loved me.

I sat back and watched him. He was really enjoying himself. Laughing and teasing, and they just loved it. The girls as well as the men. And I must say that I loved it also, but just how much and in what way?

After dinner we went to a nearby club. Zack asked me to dance. It was a fast one and I saw no problem, but the next one was a slow song. I stayed with Zack and we danced. He held me close and I held him. I have never felt so warm and comfortable. I liked what I was feeling.

We held each other close and I rested my head on his shoulder and pulled him to me. It felt so good and right. After the music stopped we went back to the others.

The silliness resumed. We left the club at a little after midnight. Amazingly, as I watched, Terry drank only sparkling water. He was the driver. For all the silliness they were responsible young men. I looked at them in an entirely different light. Zack was no longer the young student but a grown, responsible man as were Bobby and Terry.

As we left the club and went to their car, I could see that they didn't want to part. It was like watching a family being forced to go their own way. They all loved each other. They had a connection that I don't think anyone outside of the "Band of Brothers" could understand.

We said our goodbyes with hugs and kisses. It felt like I had known them for years. I hated to see them go. Just before they got into the car, Rachel and Miriam hugged me and Miriam smiled at me and said, "Listen, I don't know what to say. He loves you and I believe that you love him. I will pray for you. I will pray that you both will find happiness."

I just smiled and said, "Thank you, Miriam."

Rachel leaned over to me and giggled, "I am probably going to hate myself in the morning, and I would never say this if I wasn't drinking, but I hate the thought of you two not being together, give it some thought."

Miriam looked at her and gasped, "Rachel, how could you say that?"

Rachel laughed and said, "I have said it...but girl don't you ever tell me that you're not thinking the same thing."

Miriam just shook her head, "Maybe so, but I would never say it."

We had one more hug and they got into the car. Zack and I watched as they drove off. I felt sad at losing these new friends. We had exchanged e-mail addressed and had promised to write.

As we turned to go back to the hotel, Zack tripped over something (I have no idea what).

I grabbed him and kept him from falling. I took his hand in mine and said, "Tell me Zack, is it me or do you trip over everything."

Without missing a beat, he squeezed my hand and said, "It's you."

We walked the two blocks back to the hotel, hand in hand, in silence.

When we got back to the hotel we walked through to the lobby and into the elevator. When the elevator stopped at the seventh floor, Zack took me in his arms and he lowered his face to mine and kissed me. His lips were so soft on mine. They were warm and sweet. I liked it.

He pulled back from me. I looked into his eyes and I saw what I knew was love. Zachary, Zachary, Zachary Miller was in love with me.

I smiled at him and said, "Thank you for the perfect evening. I can't remember ever enjoying an evening more than I have tonight. Nor do I remember enjoying being with anyone so much."

Zack smiled at me and I turned and walked back to my room. I was walking on clouds, my head in the sky. As I undressed, I thought about the evening. This was dangerous territory. I was feeling things that I had never felt before. Things that a nun shouldn't allow herself to feel.

I got on my knees and prayed. I asked my Lord for help, that he help me deal with this temptation. This temptation that I really didn't want taken away. I asked for guidance, I needed to be shown what I should do.

Deep in my heart I knew what I should do. I knew that I should avoid Zack, I should avoid him like the plague. But, I also knew that I wouldn't. Would I be able to see Zack and avoid temptation? I prayed for strength. I fell asleep praying.

I awoke just as the sun started to come up. Once again I prayed. I showered, dressed and left my room to down to the hotel lobby. I walked two blocks to the Catholic Church, St. Sebastian's. I attended mass and again prayed for guidance. After mass I went back to the hotel and my room, again I prayed.

Around seven forty-five I left the room and went to the elevator, as I got onto the elevator, I heard a voice call, "Please hold the elevator." It was the conference coordinator, Margaret Zeigler. When she saw me her eyes lit up. "Oh Carol, I'm so glad I met you. You are the first speaker and I wanted to treat you to breakfast. Some of the other speakers will be meeting us down in the lobby and we are all going to have breakfast together."

"Thank you so much. That's nice of you."

We got off at the lobby and walked across to the restaurant. We met a group of people outside the restaurant and introductions were made. As Margaret was making the introductions, I looked into the restaurant and saw Zack sitting with a group of people. He looked at me and waved, I waved back.

We had breakfast with our respective groups and after we finished I was standing out in the lobby. Zack came up and gave me a slight hug.

He smiled at me and said, "You look wonderful and I know that you will knock them dead."

I put my forehead against his chest and in a low voice said, "Zack, I am so nervous. Margaret was talking about some of the people here and it's like a Who's Who of the Math Field. I will be talking to some of the greats."

He laughed, "Well as far as I am concerned, you are the greatest of them all. And I am sure that you are prepared and hell, you know this stuff."

I stood back and said, "Do you think that you could sit in?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Margaret came over to us and told me that they were waiting for me and that she would be with me in a moment.

As I walked away with her assistant, Joan, I heard Zack ask, "Do you think that it would be a problem if I sat in..."

"Of course not. Please find yourself a seat and enjoy," Margaret answered.

Joan took me to the front of the conference hall and we waited until Margaret came. Then Margaret and I walked out and after welcoming everyone to the conference, she turned and said, "Now with the utmost pleasure I want to introduce Dr. Carol Williams, OSB. I am sure that you are all familiar with her work and will give her a warm welcome."

There was some applause as I approached the podium. I looked out into the audience and spied Zack sitting in the back of the hall. He was smiling at me. All of a sudden, I felt very comfortable out here.

I placed my note card on the top and started to speak. I don't use a lot of notes and I never read a speech. I write words on a card. The words let me know what a want to cover.

My father, who had been a trial attorney, told me that, people can always tell when you are reading something. It sounds stiff. You know what you want to say, just have the card to make sure that you cover everything and keep a sequence to your talk.

Once I started to talk and got over the initial case of nerves and it seemed to be going very smoothly. I was about half way through when a woman stood up and said, in a rather excited voice, "Do you mean...?"

She almost had it but not quite and I answered, "You're close but what I was saying is ..."

The woman gave a bit of a shriek and said, "Oh God, I see what you mean, you made it so clear..."

She then looked around and it was like she discovered where she was and in an embarrassed voice said, "Oh I'm so sorry, I just get so carried away sometimes, that I can't help myself."

I laughed and told her, "Don't worry, I know what you mean, I get the same way."

I then continued. I did glance over at Zack and saw that he was laughing and shaking his head. Once again, I felt good and comfortable.

I finished to a round of applause and then spent about a half an hour answering questions. Finally, there was some more polite applause and the hall began to empty. Margaret came over to me and thanked me saying that she couldn't have picked a better speaker to start the conference with,

As I came off the stage, Zack was waiting for me. He came over to me and gave me a slight hug, saying, "You were wonderful, everyone loved you. Let me tell you, I wouldn't want to be the guy who follows you. You set the bar so high that he is going to have to be an Olympic high jumper to even reach it."

I laughed and shook my head. "Zack, you are absolutely crazy."

He smiled and said, "You're right," and looking into my eyes "I'm crazy about you." This was the first time he said that to me and after all these years, I am still not tired of hearing it.

But, at the time I just laughed and said, "What am I going to do with you?"

He was still smiling and answered, "Love me?"

And for the first time in my life, my mouth beat my brain and I said, "Zack, do you really have to ask that?"

Then as I looked into his eyes, I realized that I would have said that no matter what. I think that I was falling in love with him.

He grabbed my hand and said, "Let's get some lunch."

We walked out of the hotel hand in hand and found a small diner with a salad bar. We ate light. I wasn't hungry, coming down from my adrenalin high and he was getting nervous about his talk.

I told him that he would be great, that he knew everything and it was something that he loved. "Don't worry, you will be great." I realized that I was doing what he had been doing for me, before I spoke. Once again I felt a warmth flow through my body. I really felt good.

We sat and talked and when it was time we went back to the hotel. As we walked into the lobby, the director of the symposium approached us and said, "Mr. Miller, I think that we should get ready."

Zack turned to me and said, "I'll see you soon?"

"Of course," I said. I wanted to add "My love," But I just couldn't."

As Zack walked off with the director, his assistant asked me, "Would you like to sit in?"

I smiled my best and said, "Absolutely, I would love it."




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 01



I was in the hall when Zack walked out and was introduced. "I would like to introduce Mr. Zachary Miller the developer of the Marston keel."

Zack stood there looking as confident as ever. His was alive. He was in his element. He knew exactly what he was doing. He scanned the room and when his eyes met mine he smiled. It seemed that he looked into my soul. That he could see the love that I had for him. All of my secrets were open to him.

He started to talk, explaining exactly how he and Mark had developed the keel and what they were looking for and what they were trying to do. It seems that they were trying to do something else and this came as a notion out of the blue.

He was informative, without being boring and long winded, he made fun of himself and kept the talk light. After he finished, he spent another half hour answering questions. It seemed to everyone's satisfaction.

I sat back in my seat and enjoyed. My student...no, not a student any longer, he was the teacher and I felt something inside that I had never felt before. A certain pride, happiness for him, joy in seeing Zack excelling. I don't know. Could it be love, was I falling in love with him?

Whatever, I felt wonderful. I sat and watched the other engineers gather around him as he came down off the stage. Zack talked and joked with them, making then laugh. As I watched, one young very attractive, woman was standing and talking to Zack, she put her hand on his arm as she talked.

I felt a prick of jealousy, she was being a bit forward with him and I didn't like it. But, Zack in a very casual way sort of side stepped and broke the contact. After a few moments they all left.

I got up and walked toward him. We were alone in the hall. He smiled at me and held his arms out saying, "Well teach, did I do okay?"

I went over and hugged him and he hugged me back. I looked into his eyes and moved closer. I lifted my face to his and our lips met. Softly at first, but then our arms tightened and our lips crushed together.

Then a door slammed shut and we jumped apart. Zack looked and me and gave a little laugh. I felt a little funny but just smiled. He took my hand and we walked out of the hall and then out of the hotel.

I just wanted to spend some time away from the conference and Mathematics. I wanted time to unwind, having been so wound up from the talk. I needed time to relax and I couldn't think of anyone I would rather be with.

We walked a few blocks and found a small park. We sat on one of the benches and just talked. Zack told me of his time in the Army and how he met Terry, Bobby, Rachel and Miriam. He told me about his training, the tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. And a very sanitized version of loosing his knee. He made light what I am sure was a grueling time in training to be a Ranger and I am sure that I could never imagine what combat is like.

Zack could find humor and even see beauty in even the worse situations. I could see what the others saw in him. How they could love him so much.

We got up and walked, ending up at Busch Stadium, and we found that the Cardinals were playing the Reds. I grew up in Cincinnati and my Father and Mother were avid Red's fans. I have been going to baseball games since I was an infant.

Zack insisted that we get tickets for that night's game. I was thrilled. I hadn't been to a major league baseball game in ages. We went to dinner at a small, lovely Italian restaurant and had a wonderful meal.

I think that the food was good, I really don't remember. I was just enjoying my time with Zack. After dinner we walked to the stadium and got our seats. We were right along the third base line.

Just before the seventh inning stretch, Ken Griffey, Jr. hit a long ball right along the third base line and into the stands. Zack leapt and grabbed the ball with his bare hand. The crowd around us went wild. Zack held the ball up and then gave it to me.

Just like that, he gave it to me and said, "Let's see if we can get him to sign it for you."

I looked at him I surprise and said, "Zack, this it your ball. You caught it, you should keep it."

He laughed, "What would an Oriel's fan want with a homerun ball hit by a Cincinnati Red's player?"

Needless to say, I was thrilled and I threw my arms around him and hugged him. The game had continued by this time and I don't think that the TV cameras caught the hug, not that I cared or even thought about it.

After the game, I think that the Red's won, I really don't remember, we went to the players exit and were able to see Ken Griffey coming out of the park, he was with his wife. Zack and I approached and Zack said, "Excuse, me Mr. Griffey, would you sign this ball. It was the one that you hit out this evening and this lovely lady is a big fan."

Johnny smiled and said, "You're not a fan?"

Zack gave a sort of broken smile and said, "I'm from Baltimore."

Ken's wife laughed and said, "So am I...but I am a die hard Red's fan. And always will be."

I said, "I can understand why."

He said, "Anything for a fan. Especially one who won't change her loyalties for the one she loves." He signed the ball and gave it to me.

His wife smiled, "I was always a Red's fan, my mother was from Cincinnati. That's why I married him."

We all laughed and they got into the waiting limo and left. Zack and I walked back to the hotel hand in hand. The ball was in my pocket, I kept my hand on it all the way back.

When we got to the Hotel we went straight to the elevators. It was crowed, there were a lot of the people from the convention and the symposium going back to their rooms. A lot of them had been partying.

We were crammed into the elevator, I was standing very close to Zack and I put my arms around him and rested my head on his chest.

When we got to the seventh floor, Zack had to almost force his way out of the elevator. As he did one of the men grabbed his ass and gave it squeeze. Zack jumped and a number of people laughed.

When we got off and the doors closed, he took me in his arms. I put my arms around him and lifted my face to his. Our lips met and in a second were pressed against each other.

I felt his tongue slide across my lips and I opened my mouth gave it access. I welcomed his tongue into my mouth, I met it with mine and they caressed. It felt so wonderful and so right.

Then one of the other elevator bells rang and we jolted apart. The doors opened and Margaret walked out. Her eyes grew when she saw me. "Oh, Sister Carol, I was looking for you. I have a huge favor to ask."

I gave her a questioning look and said, "A favor? Please tell me, what can I do for you?"

"Professor Morrison had to be taken to the hospital this evening and I doubt if he will be out before Thursday, when he is scheduled to give a talk. We were thinking of having a panel discussion and we would like you to be one of the panelists."

"Of course, I would be honored to be on the panel," I answered. "I had looked forward to hearing him talk and I actually had some questions. I read his paper and I'm not sure about how he came to certain points. That's too bad."

Margaret gushed, "Oh Carol, thank you so much, I was in a tizzy not knowing what to do. We couldn't have an empty hour. And now thanks to you and the other panelists we won't."

I turned to Zack, he was smiling and he said, "Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Carol."

Margaret turned and started to walk to her room and was talking about all of the problems that they were having. I started after her and then turned and once again looked back at Zack. He was still smiling and he mouthed, "I love you."

Margaret then turned toward the elevators and said, "Oh please forgive me, Mr. Miller. Where are my manners, how are you? I heard that your presentation was a huge success. Congratulations, I have a feeling that you will be busy too."

She continued to walk to her room going back to our pervious conversation. I looked back and watched Zack get on the elevator. I had a feeling of loss as he went in.

Margaret walked me to my door. She stopped and looked at me very seriously and said, "Mr. Miller is a very handsome young man."

I was taken aback by her statement, but quickly recovered and said, "Yes he is and he is a wonderful person. I have known him a long time. I was his homeroom teacher in his senior year of high school."

She gave me a warm smile, "But, he isn't your student any more. He is a very good looking man. And I think that he still has a crush on his teacher."

I could feel the blood rushing to my face and I stammered, "Yes he is...he has grown up..."

She was still smiling and she said, "You two make a very good looking couple. I think that you had better give this a lot of thought about what will make you happy. Please, don't do anything without giving it a lot of thought."

She then took my hands in hers and in a very soft voice, said, "Carol, I will pray for you tonight, I will pray that you make the right decision and whatever you do that you will be happy."

Margaret gave me a big grin and sort of giggled, "Yes, my dear Sister, Jews can pray for Catholics." She leaned over to me and kissed my cheek and went on, "I could never understand the Catholic fixation on celibacy. It seems like such a waste. Now I don't want to get into a theological debate, just know that I hope the best for you."

"I just think that you should be happy and if being with Zack will make you happy...what the heck. Now, I have said enough...probably too much, so goodnight."

I smiled at her and said, "Thank you Margaret, for your concern and your prayers."

As she walked away I turned and went into my room. I sat on the bed and tried to make sense of it all. Did I love Zack? Was I willing to make a commitment and give up my life and start a new one.

He hasn't asked me to. Could this be just a fling for him, just a lark? I didn't think so. But what about me? Sure it felt wonderful to have this sweet, delightful young man admire me. Was I leading him on? Was I being fair to him, making him think that I was in love with him?

I got on my knees and prayed. I asked God for guidance. But I knew that all the guidance that I needed was in the vows that I took when I became a nun. What I had to do was make up my mind as to what I wanted to do.

Did I want to spend the rest of my life in the Benedictine Order, teaching and living according to their rules? The rules and life that I had chosen and the life that I loved, or did I want to spend the rest of my life with Zack, as a wife and possibly a mother? I truly didn't know.

I continued to think about this and prayed, as I got ready for bed. I got into bed and I began to cry. Never before had I felt so conflicted. I was always so sure about what I wanted and how I would spend my life. Now???

I slept fitfully and woke up feeling very tired. But I got up and showered, it woke me up and I was feeling much better as I dressed and left the room. Again, I went to St. Sebastian's for mass and I prayed.

I knew what I should do. But, I had to make up my mind. Did I want Zack or the Order. I really wasn't sure. Then it hit me, once again I thought, was I reading too much into Zack's actions toward me. I didn't think so, but I really didn't know.

After the service was finished and I was leaving the church, I stopped to speak to the parish priest. He was a jovial older man who gave me a wonderful welcome, even before I told him that I was a nun. We spoke about St. Louis and he told me that I couldn't go back to New Mexico without visiting the Arch. "It's truly a marvel and the view is to die for."

I went back to the hotel and saw Zack sitting with some of the symposium officials. They were having breakfast. They looked like they wanted something from Zack, as they were looking a bit stressed and watched Zack with hope.

I met Margaret and we had breakfast. We talked about the conference, the symposium and how they just seemed to coincide. It seems that a lot of math teachers and professors and engineers were married or had significant others attending one or the other. It was so much easier to have the two groups together. This way both could go and it saved money for the attendees.

After we finished breakfast, again Margaret paid, I went and sat in the lobby. I was only there for a few minutes, when Zack came over. I immediately got up and we walked out of the hotel.

It was a warm day and we walked to the small park a few blocks away. We found a bench and sat. Zack took my hands in his and kissed my fingertips. He was making it look like he was tasting them, smacking his lips and saying "delicious."

He then sat back and smiled at me. I leaned over to him, put my hands on the side of his face, pulled him to me and softly kissed him. We held the kiss for a long time, it was soft and loving.

He moved close to me and we talked. He told me that he was asked to do a question and answer session. He had set it up for Thursday, when I was having the panel discussion. I was sorry that I wouldn't be able to see him, but we would both be busy at the same time.

I mentioned that I wanted to see the Arch, so we walked there. Zack insisted that we ride to the top and see the sights. He had his camera with him and of course it was a digital. "It can take thousands of pictures and you will have to look at them all," he laughed.

As it was a Tuesday afternoon there was no one there. We were the only people in the elevator and there was only one other couple in the room at the top. We looked out the observation windows, with Zack taking pictures.

The views were fantastic, looking over the city and the Mississippi River. Zack really got excited when an old paddle wheel ship came by.

He set the camera on a ledge and put it on the timer and he came over to me and put his arm around me as the camera flashed. He set it up again and when he came over to me I grabbed him and mashed my lips against his. The camera flashed and I giggled, "See if it came out okay. If not we can keep trying until we get it right.

Zack didn't even look at the picture, he just set the timer again and said, "It's no good, we have to try again."

We had to repeat the shot about ten times, when we finally got it right. Well, it was sort of decided for us, as an elevator of people came up and about a hundred kids got out. We took the next elevator down.

We walked back to the hotel hand in hand. I wanted to attend some talks in the afternoon, as did Zack, so after lunch we went to our respective talks.

Two of the three talks were great the other not so. But I did enjoy all of them and was glad for the time I spent there.

I met Zack at four o'clock. We went to our rooms and changed. I wanted to be in something a bit fancy, for dinner. We were going to go to dinner at a restaurant that Margaret recommended. When we arrived we met the director of the symposium.

He was elated to see Zack and made a big thing of telling me how Zack saved his hide by agreeing to do the Question/Answer session on Thursday. We had a very enjoyable dinner. They wanted us to join them at a party they were going to, but I looked at Zack and I knew that he wanted to be with me, not going to a party. He wanted to be with me alone. This is what I also wanted.

We left them and we walked, hand in hand all over downtown St. Louis. I felt so comfortable being with Zack. I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him. That is...if he really wanted me.

We walked until around eleven o'clock and then returned to the hotel. We got into an extremely crowded elevator. When we got to the seventh floor, Zack forced his way out with me in his wake. We got onto the floor and we walked down the hall to my room.

When we got to my room we stopped. Zack took me in his arms and held me close. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me and kissed him. I forced my tongue into his mouth and he opened his mouth and sucked it. He caressed my tongue with his and loved it.

After a lifetime our kiss broke. I looked into his eyes and made a decision. I wanted Zack, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I never wanted to be without him. I wanted Zack and I wanted him forever.

He was kissing my cheek, my jaw and my neck. I held him tight and in a soft voice said, "Zack, please stay with me...I need you tonight."

He looked deep into my eyes and said, "Yes, my love, I'll stay with you forever...if that's what you want."

I didn't say anything, but I knew in my heart that this was want I wanted. To have him forever, to have him as mine and to be his. I turned and put the key card in the door and I turned the knob. I swung the door open and taking his hand in mine, walked in.

I didn't turn on the light. The moonlight and the lights from the city gave the room a golden glow. Zack quietly closed the door. I turned toward him and he came into my arms. I held him tight and he kissed me, open-mouthed with our tongues snaking in and out, sliding against each other...loving.

I felt his erect penis pressing into me and it excited me. I began to undo the buttons on his shirt. I felt his hands slide all over my back and down to my rear. He softly caressed my ass and then pulled the zipper of my skirt down.

He pushed the skirt over my hips and it fell to the ground. I slipped his shirt off his shoulders. I was kissing his neck and shoulder as I ran my hands over his muscular chest. It was so hard and smooth beneath his t-shirt and I felt a growing excitement in my body.

Never before had I allowed this feeling of sexual excitement to go unabated. In the past when I started to experience such feelings, I would suppress them or engage in some activity to get my mind off of it.

But now I was reveling in the excitement, allowing these feelings to grow and flourish. And they did as Zack slowly undressed me. He was so slow and gentle as he removed my blouse and kissed my shoulders.

He unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned and unzipped his pants and they fell to the floor. I took the bottom of his t-shirt and pulled it up and over his head, it joined the other clothes on the floor. In the dark I noticed a flash of silver and saw the silly charm, the glasses that I have given him after his graduation ceremony.

I put my hand on it and said, "Zack, you still have this?"

He smiled at me and said, "It hasn't been off of me since I put it on the day you gave it to me. I will never take it off. I will take to my grave."

I grabbed him in my arms and put my head against his chest. He held me tightly. "Oh Zack, I love you so much. I love you."

Never before in my life had I felt so much love for someone, nor had I ever felt so loved by anyone. I knew in my heart that I would love Zachary Miller forever.

I looked up into his eyes and he lowered his face and our lips met. He kissed me, soft and lovingly. I felt a warmth like nothing I ever felt before flow through my body. I was so sure...so sure about everything. I knew in my heart that I was and would be happy.

I back stepped to the edge of the bed holding his hands, pulling him with me. When I got to the bed, I sat and then lay back on it. He just stood there looking at me. He was breathing deeply and just looking at me.

I held my arms out to him. In a soft voice, I said, "Zack?"

He came to me, in what seemed like slow motion. Everything seemed to move so slowly. Nothing was rushed. He came into my arms and I wrapped them around him. We kissed forever, holding our bodies together, pressing against the other.

I had never before been so close to anyone. I was practically naked, with an almost naked man in my arms and it felt so right. I wasn't with just any man, I was with Zack, I was with the man I loved and the man who loved me. It was right.

When our lips parted, Zack continued to kiss my cheek, moving to my jaw and to my neck. He kissed me slowly and softly, like he was tasting me, savoring and relishing a delicious morsel.




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 01



He brought his head up and lightly kissed my lips and in a barely audible whisper, said, "You are delicious." And he returned to my neck.

I lay back with my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. He slid the straps of my bra off of my shoulders and reached back and unhooked it. I could feel the cool air on my breasts as he took it off. My nipples began to harden and then I felt Zack's lips touch one with a kiss. I felt a tingle go through my body as he took it into his mouth and sucked.

It was like I was feeding him from my body. Would I be doing that someday in the future? Is this what my fate held in store for me? I wish I knew, I wanted to see the future. Then I looked at Zack. He was looking up at me and our eyes met. Again, I knew...at this moment I knew that this is what I wanted.

Zack left my breast and continued to kiss me, my chest, my stomach. His lips were soft and light on my skin. I lay there with my eyes closed, enjoying the sensation of his loving.

I felt his fingers take the waistband of my panties and begin to slowly pull them down, until he removed them completely. For the first time in my adult life, I was naked in front of a man.

The only other man who looked at my nakedness was my father, when he changed my diaper as an infant. A bit of worry, shame(?) nagged at me. Would Zack like my body, would he still think that I am beautiful?

My questions were answered, almost immediately as he said, "Oh God Carol, you are more beautiful that I ever dreamed."

I opened my eyes and looked down at him. Zack was kneeling on the bed, his one leg was between mine and he was looking at my body. It was like he was in a trance, he had that look about him. He was lost, somewhere in a wonderland.

I looked at him and sort of joined him in that world. He was so beautiful, more than handsome, he was beautiful and I loved him. I loved him with all of my heart. I loved him so much it almost hurt.

Again I lay back and closed my eyes. I felt the bed move as he positioned himself next to me. Then I felt his lips on the insides of my thighs. His kisses kept climbing up my leg and it was driving me crazy. The feeling of his lips on my inner thigh was indescribable. I was moaning and getting more and more excited.

All of a sudden he kissed my labial lips. It was like nothing I ever experienced before. But he didn't stop there, he began to lick and suck me. Was I in heaven, was I on earth? I don't know. All I knew was that I was experiencing more pleasure than I ever felt before. He was licking and sucking in places that I never knew.

Sheets of silken colors and joy wafted over my body as he continued to kiss and lick. I was with my love and he was loving me. Then the sun exploded; a flash of light permeated every atom of my body. Zack had started licking and sucking my clitoris.

My body trembled uncontrollably. I grabbed him by the hair and pulled his face into my body. I wanted more, I never wanted him to stop. The whole world went white. I may have screamed out or I could have been silent, I don't know. I'm not sure if I was conscious or lost my self to the joy and pleasure that I was experiencing. It seemed to go on forever. I would reach a peak, thinking that nothing could get any better and then I would again explode into a million pieces of light. Finally, after numerous lifetimes, ever so slowly the light took on color, red, pink, then cool calm blue.

I lay there on the bed breathing like I had run a marathon. Zack moved up next to me and held me in his arms. I opened my eyes and looked at him, into his blue eyes. He smiled at me and then leaned over to me and lightly kissed my lips. I could taste my wetness on his lips.

I grabbed him and kissed him hard, pushing my tongue into his mouth and attacking his. I pulled his body against mine and wrapped my legs around him. I could feel his erection pressing against my stomach. And I realized that I didn't want it against me...I wanted it in me.

I pulled away a slight bit and in a voice that was a lot huskier that I have ever heard said, "Zack, please make love to me. Please love me."

He moved on top of me and lightly kissed my forehead and then my nose and then my chin. He reached down and brought his penis to the entrance of my vagina and slowly entered me.

For the very first time a man was making love to me. Zack pushed into me, slowly and easily. Not going hard and fast. Then he stopped. He looked at me with a question in his eyes. He had come to my hymen, my maidenhead. It was like he wanted permission.

I smiled at him and said, "Love me, Zack. Please make love to me."

I put my hands on his ass cheeks and pulled him into me. He slid into me with only the slightest bit of pain. It really wasn't much pain, more like a stretching and feeling of fullness. When he was fully inside of me he held still. Waiting, allowing me to get accustomed to his size and just his presence in me.

I lifted my head and kissed his lips, softly and lovingly. Letting him know that I loved him and that this is what I wanted. I wanted to be joined with him, to be joined with him forever.

We lay like this for a few moments, Zack on top of me, in me. I began to move my hips a little. It seemed that Zack was afraid to move, that he might hurt me. But, I wasn't in any pain and I wanted him. In a few seconds I began to move faster and Zack joined me. He pulled his hips back, taking his penis out of me.

I felt an emptiness, a void and it created a hunger in me. I wanted to be filled again, I wanted Zack back in me. I wanted that wonderful feeling of his erection in me. It was divine when he once again entered me. Pushing deeply into my body. I tried to open myself as much as possible and take as much of my lover's body into me as I could.

I lifted my legs and wrapped them around Zack, locking him into me, keeping him as close to me as possible. Wanting as much of him in me as I could have. This was heaven, this was exactly what I have wanted all of my life. I wanted a love like this and now I had found it and I never wanted to lose it.

He started to pump into me and continued as I began to orgasm. It came upon me like a thief in the night, sneaking up and then attacking, taking me by storm. I have never experienced anything even close to what I was feeling at this moment. The love, the pleasure, the ecstasy. I was in heaven, this was heaven and I was happy.

My legs tightened around him and I think that I called out to him. I pulled him into me wanting to take all of him into my body. I loved him and I wanted to be with him for all eternity. I had made my decision.

Zack groaned and pushed into me. His penis was completely inside of me. He held it there and I felt a heat, a warmth spread into my body. It started in my womb and radiated through out my being. For the first time in my life I had taken a man's seed. I was elated, I was overjoyed, Zack was loving me like no one else ever had. This is what I wanted.

We lay there on the bed locked in each other's embrace. Connected to each other in the most intimate way possible. We were one, united both physically and spiritually. Our bodies and souls were joined, we were one.

Slowly we returned to the world. Catching our breaths and allowing out hearts to return to normal. Zack rolled to his side slipping out of me. He kept his arms around me and I still held him. Is a very soft voice he whispered in my ear, "I love you Carol. I love you more than anything."

I smiled, feeling the warmth of his body and his love, I whispered to him, "I love you, Zack."

I closed my eyes for a second...

To be continued.

As I said before, this is something new for the old Baron. I hope that you like it. Please let me know. Your comments are so important to me. As usual, vote if you want, but please comment.

Chapter 2 will be coming soon...It's almost finished (famous last words).



Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 02



It's been a while...but I'm back. Sort of. Have been working on other stories also and hope to be posting the others as well.

As with the others in this series, this Chapter is dedicated to my Muse across the pond, Catheath. This is for you.

I hope that you enjoy reading. 



It seemed that I had only closed my eyes for a moment, but when I opened them, the room was filled with light. The sun was out and I was in bed with Zack. The memory of last night came flooding back. I had made love to Zack. I had taken him into my body. I had given my virginity to Zachary...my beloved. 

I should have been filled with guilt and remorse, but for some reason I wasn't. I had a warm, wonderful feeling as I looked at my sleeping love. I loved this man and I knew that he loved me. 

I got up on my elbows and gazed down at him. Then I looked closely and I saw numerous small scars on his chest and shoulders. My God, he seemed to be covered with scars. Most were small, but there were some that were a few inches long. He had been hurt, hurt very badly. I lowered my face and kissed his chest. I wanted to kiss each and every one of those scars, to heal them and make them go away. 

I slowly eased the sheet back and saw his left knee. It was a massive scar, I gasped as I looked at it and my heart broke. My eyes filled and my tears fell. Zack opened his eyes and smiled at me.

"Oh Zack," I cried, "You have been hurt so badly."

He smiled at me and said, "It looks a lot worse that it was. The knee hurt but most of the others were nothing. The problem is, I'm so full of steel that I can't have any MRIs."

I tried to smile at him, but I am sure that it looked forced...it was. Then I saw that the bottom of the charm was missing, it looked like it had been chopped off. I knew that the piece of silver was buried in his chest. I put my hand on it and wept.

Zack took me in his arms and held me. He said, "I will always have a piece of it with me, no matter what."

He held me tight and I had my head resting on his chest. I could feel the strength in his chest and arms as he held me. I could smell his maleness, his scent and I loved it.

As I lay there, I heard him say in a very soft voice, "I love you Carol. I love you more than life itself. I want to be with you always, to spend the rest of my life with you."

I didn't move, just laid there on his chest and I said, "I love you my darling. I have never loved anyone like I love you. I want..."

I couldn't go on. I couldn't make that commitment, in my heart and in my mind I already committed to him. But I couldn't bring myself to say those words. It was like if I said them it would make it real.

I wanted it more than anything else but thinking and knowing is one thing and saying it, putting it into words was another. It was something I just couldn't do...I couldn't say it, I wanted to but...

Zack was holding me and giving me light soft kisses. Kissing my face, my neck, my shoulders. I loved it, my love was tasting me and he liked what he tasted, he just loved the flavor.

I got up on my elbows and leaned into him and kissed him. I kissed him hard, pushing my tongue into his mouth. I took his stiffening penis in my hand and began to stroke it. 

He became fully erect in a second. I got up on my knees and brought my leg over his hips and straddled him, I had him in my hand and guided his erection into me. I wanted him in me. I wanted to feel that fullness again, to be connected with my Zachary in this most intimate way.

I slowly lowered myself until he was completely inside of me. I was sitting on his pelvis. I didn't move, I just sat there luxuriating in the feeling of my loves body. I knew that this was what I wanted. 

I would make that promise to him, I would be with him. Soon...I told myself... soon.

I looked down at him lying on the bed. He was smiling at me. I began to move, rotating my hips, slowly lifting and dropping. Moving off of him and then being refilled with that wonderful tool of pleasure. 

I then realized that I was in trouble...that I had become addicted to Zachary, Zachary, Zachary Miller, I wouldn't be able to live without him. I loved my Zachary.

As he just lay there, I began to feel the pleasure start building, I could feel myself slowly climbing toward the summit of that monondack of sexual joy.

As I rose, the speed of my loving increased. I could feel that Zack was joining me in our loving, that he was pushing up into me and that we were now working together, synchronizing our movements in an attempt to bring each other to the highest level of fulfillment.

It seemed that my climax was coming ever so slowly. Taking its time in building up, but I wasn't worried, I loved the tantalizing anticipation, I knew what was coming and I could wait. I knew it would be worth it.

I rode Zack like a jockey, he was my stallion and I was riding him like never before. I was a wild woman, just interested in one thing, our mutual pleasure. And pleasure it was. Although it was slow in coming, when it did it arrive was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

My whole body, my whole soul, my whole being was taken over by that most wonderful feeling. My orgasm was universal. Every part of me was involved, from the top of my head to the very tips of my toes. I was completely taken over by the joy and wonder of our loving.

We were joined, one in our endeavor to reach that apex of sexual delight. I knew that this was something that we could only reach together and only because we were one in our quest and totally committed to each other's feelings.

I shuttered and shook, the pleasure was indescribable. I could feel Zack stiffen up. He grabbed my hips and pulled me down onto his erection. He forced himself up and I could feel his penis begin to pulse.

I knew that once again he was filling me with his seed, that my Zachary was giving me his life essence. I lost all awareness of my surroundings, of what I was doing and was engulfed by the wonder and joy of our loving.

All too soon I came back to reality and found myself lying on top of Zack. He had his arms around me and was holding me.

I was laying there with my head on his chest, breathing hard and ever so slowly calming down. I loved the feeling of being in his arms. It was the prefect way to come down from the heights, just basking in the warmth of his love.

I held him tight, I wanted to become one with him, never to be separated from him. Then the hopelessness of my situation rushed back with a vengeance. It was like that angel that you always see sitting on someone's shoulder started in. 

"What, you want to be with your lover? Is that what you want...SISTER Carol??? You are a nun...a religious...you want to be with Zachary...you, who dedicated your life to God...to God exclusively. You just ignore that, just like you ignored your vows."

"You my dear SISTER are a harlot. You are not worthy of Zachary...you are not worthy of the Order."

I am fully aware that I was talking to myself. I knew what I had done and the more I thought of it the worse I felt. Obviously, the guilt that I had avoided earlier, I could avoid no longer. 

I began to cry. I held him and sobbed, "Oh Zack, I love you. Just tell me that you love me. I want to be with you. I don't know what to do...Oh my love...I am so afraid..."

Zack wrapped his arms around me even tighter and in a soft, loving voice said, "My darling, my love. I love you more than anything. I have loved you since I first saw you in that classroom in Baltimore. I will always love you."

"Carol, I don't want to lose you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to be with you each and every day. Carol, will you marry me...be my wife and take me as your husband?"

"I love you...I don't want to live if you are not in my life. I can't imagine living without you. I don't want to think of not being able to be with you. Marry me, my love?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I knew that he loved me...but this? I know that marriage is the logical outcome of love, but for some reason, I never expected to hear that.

Again the conflict in my heart raised its ugly head. I said, "Oh Zack, be serious...I'm a nun, we can't marry. Nuns don't get married."

He gave a little laugh, "Yes they do. They get married all of the time. And I want to marry you."

I was completely confused...it was of my own doing. I couldn't decide. I thought that I knew what I wanted...but... I squeezed him and began to cry.

Zack kissed my forehead and almost whispered, "A long time ago, I was in a difficult position and a very wise woman said to me, 'Go outside and come in again. We will start all over and make believe that this never happened.' So why don't we just start this conversation all over again and begin anew."

I just had to laugh and said, "I don't think that woman was so wise...just look at the position she is in. Look what she got herself into."

He had a huge grin on his face and softly laughed, "Well if truth be told...I like the position she is in. In fact she can stay in this position all day and I won't complain."

I giggled and lovingly slapped his chest. "Zack, you are incorrigible. Not that I don't like this position, but I really have to shower."

I pushed up and slowly got off of him. His softened member slipped out of me and I began to leak on him. He grabbed me, pulled me to him and kissed me.

I returned the kiss with lust and passion and then quickly slipped out of his arms and scampered to the bathroom. "Come, shower with me," I laughed as I got out my toothbrush.

He quickly got out of the bed and said, "How can I pass up an invitation like that?"

I went into the bathroom, took my toothbrush and began to cleanse my mouth. Zack came in and put his arms around me and started to kiss my shoulder. I handed him one of the toothbrushes from the hotel and said, "Here. Brush and then join me."

I twisted out of his arms and went into the shower. I had started the water when I first came in to the bathroom, so it was nice and hot. I just stood under the spray, reveling in the wet heat. I had had my eyes closed and the spray was hitting my face and head. It was wonderful, just the way I like it.

As I stood there under the spray, I heard the shower door open and I felt Zack come into the shower. I kept my eyes closed and he just stood next to me sharing the spray of the hot water.

He moaned, "Mmmm...just the way I like my showers...nice and hot." 

Then he put his arms around me and holding me tightly to his body' he said, "Just the way I like my woman...nice and hot."

Then he began to kiss my shoulders with quick soft kisses, saying, "Delicious... scrumptious... mmm that's good."

I turned in his arms and mashed my lips to his. When we broke the kiss I giggled, "This is the way I like my man...nice and hot...and hard."

My god, I was becoming a wanton woman. Only a few short days ago, I would never have even thought of being even a little off color with Zack and now here I was showering with him, telling him that I was excited by his erection. What has happened to me?

To be honest, I didn't care. I was in love and was loved. I was happy.

He pressed up against me and kissed me. I could feel his penis getting hard, pushing into my thigh. Our mouths opened and I slipped my tongue into his mouth. He welcomed it with his and they danced.

He then put his hands on the back of my thighs and lifted me. It was like I weighed nothing, he didn't even seem to strain to lift me. I reached down and took his erection in my hand and guided it to the entrance of my body. Once again, I wanted Zack in me. Once again I wanted that feeling of love and pleasure.

He slowly lowered me onto his dick, spreading my vaginal lips until he was completely inside of me. I was in heaven, this was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I was being loved by my Zack, by my man, by the man who wanted to marry me, the man who I want...

Oh my God, then it just hit me, really hit me. This man, the most wonderful man in the world, wanted to marry me. All of my doubts, my insecurities just vanished. I knew what I wanted and I knew that he wanted me.

A passion like I have never felt before took over my body. I wanted to love him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and crushed him into me with all of my might. I tried to bring him into my body, to make him part of me.

Zack started to pound into me with a force that surprised me. It seems that as hard as I was trying to pull him into me, he was trying just as hard to force himself into me. We were going wild. Loving, mating, joining together as only those insanely in love could. And that's exactly how I felt, insane with my love for Zack.

My pleasure and excitement grew and grew until I thought that the ecstasy would drive me mad. I crushed my lips onto his and pushed my tongue into his mouth with such violence that I thought I would hurt him. But he met my violence with his own and we screamed. We screamed out our love, our pleasure, and our joy.

Zack stiffened and pushed into me and his erection began to throb inside of me. I knew that he was coming, that he was filling me with his essence. This push me over the edge into another mind-expanding orgasm and I screamed out my love and devotion for him.

As we slowly eased back into this world, Zack's legs began to shake and he lowered us to the floor of the shower. We sat there holding each other under the hot spray of the shower.

Finally, we got up and finished washing and got out of the shower. We dried off and Zack got dressed and went up to his room. I dressed and went to the hotel lobby. I found those talks that I wanted to attend and set off. 

I attended three different talks that morning. They were all great. The first two were given by giants in the field. They were inspired and just sitting there listening to these wonderful people. The third was a young woman, who will soon be a giant. 

I was surprised that the first speaker approached me and complemented me on my talk. We talked for a few moments and then he was called away. I was walking on air as I went to the next hall.

It was nearing lunchtime when I left the third speaker and walked through the lobby and out the front door. I saw Zack standing there looking out into the street. As I approached him, I saw that he had that "Thousand yard stare."

He looked over and saw me and gave a small smile. The huge grin on my face faded and as I looked at his face I became worried. Was he sorry? Was he upset about what we did?

Did he regret saying the things that he had said to me? Was his offer of marriage just a result of the lust and not love? I was frightened, had I been duped by my own feelings for him? I didn't know and I had to find out.

I took his hand in mine and we walked to that park we had visited before. We walked to the park in silence and found a bench. We sat and Zack was looking at the ground. It was like he was afraid to look at me.

I took his hands in mine and kissed them. In a voice so low that I was almost whispering I said, "Zack, are you sorry about what happened last night?"

Hi looked up like he was in shock and blurted out, "Oh God, no! It was the most wonderful night of my life."

I was puzzled, then what was wrong? "Do you love me?" I asked.

He finally looked up at me and in a almost sobbing voice said, "Carol, I love you more that anything. You are everything to me."

I was really puzzled, what was wrong?

He went on, "Carol, don't you see? Last night I took advantage of you. I seduced you into doing things that you would have never done. I made you break your vows."

Oh my God, Zack feels guilty for something that I had decided to do. He is worried that he took advantage of me. I felt so much love for him that my heart felt like it would burst. I smiled at him and took his face into my hands and pulled him to me and softly kissed his lips.

"Zack, you did not make me do anything that I didn't want to do. I wanted only one thing last night and that was to be with you, to love you and have you love me. I felt like I was the one who seduced you."

He looked at me with a smile and kissed me again. He gave a little laugh and said, "Well how about I take you to my room tonight and seduce you?"

"I would like that," I said and I leaned toward him and pressed my lips against his. The kiss lasted forever, at least I wanted it to. We got up and walked hand in hand through the park and around a small lake. There was an older man with a small child, who was about seven or eight years old. They had a sailboat in the lake. The man was watching as the child sailed the boat.

Naturally, Zack had to go over and talk to them. Soon they were talking about things that were a bit too technical for me. It seems that the gentleman was very knowledgeable about sailboats and sailing. Then the gentleman looked at Zack and said, "Do I know you."

Zack smiled and said, "I don't believe that we have ever met."

Then the man's eyes lit up, it was obvious that he recognized Zack. "Holy...mackerel, you're the Marsten Keel. I...I mean you developed it."

Zack blushed a little and said, "Yea, I worked on it with a friend..."

The gentleman grabbed Zack's arm and said, "I tried to put it on my racer, would you look at it?"

Zack smiled and looked at me and said, "Sure, let me see it."

We walked over to his other boat, which was on the shore, he picked up the sleek sailboat and handed it to Zack.

Zack turned it over and inspected the keel. He smiled and said, "This looks perfect, I couldn't have done a better job of it, myself."

The man smiled and told his granddaughter to bring the other boat to the shore. He lifted it out. He put the racing boat in the water and handed the remote control to his granddaughter and said, "Show the lady and man how you sail."

The little girl beamed and with confidence she guided the boat to the middle of the lake and raced it. You could see the concentration on the little girls face, she was sailing and she loved it. The sails stayed taut, she didn't allow them to luff.

After a while she brought the boat back to the shore, she had a look of triumph on her face and said, "Grandpa wants me to win the America's Cup some day."

Her grandfather blushed a little and Zack said, "If you sail a big boat like you sail that one, the others won't stand a chance."

The little girl giggled and said, "Grandpa says that I'm the best."

I smiled and said, "I can see why. And I'm sure that it's a totally unbiased opinion."

He laughed, "Of course it's unbiased I know greatness when I see it and you by sweet Gwen are the best."

We said goodbye to Gwen and her grandfather and continued to walk through the park. We walked and had a couple of hotdogs from a street vendor. They were the best hotdogs I had ever eaten.

I wanted to attend a talk at one and Zack wanted to attend one at two o'clock. We both went to mine and then we went to his talk. I enjoyed both, I understood mine but a lot of Zack's was above my head. But I loved it, it was everything that my love...loved. I was happy here.

After the talks were over we went onto the main lobby and talked to others who were at the conference and symposium. Many of the attendees at the conference had spouses or significant others at the symposium and vice versa. We were looked at as a couple and I didn't argue.

When we were asked how we met, we naturally told them that I had been Zack's senior home room teacher. Everyone laughed at us and said that we were full of it. We really didn't argue, we joked and made light of it. I was flattered that everyone thought that I was far too young to have been Zack's teacher. 

He was a love and said he wanted to ask me to the prom but didn't. Everyone laughed at Zack. He just laughed and said that he was a bit slow but he had gained whatever he has missed before.




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 02



They all laughed...that is what Zack does best ...make people laugh. He is so wonderful, he isn't worried about what people think but just that they laugh. It's what I love about him. 

Standing there talking I realized that I am so in love with him that I would never even think of him being anything but being my love. Him being mine and me his. I wouldn't want to live without him, in fact don't think that I could live without him now.

We left the hotel and walked a few blocks to a small intimate restaurant and had a wonderful meal. We sat close, touching and kissing throughout the meal. Afterwards, we walked for a while and stopped and got a bottle of wine. 

We went into the hotel and stopped at my room for a change of clothes. I had the panel discussion tomorrow morning and I wanted to dress for the part. We then took the elevator to the thirtieth floor. 

Zack had a lovely spacious suite. The large picture window looked over the Arch and the Mississippi River. We cuddled on the sofa and Zack opened the bottle of wine and poured two glasses. We sat there on the couch sipping our wine and looking out of the window. It was so beautiful, seeing the boats, the barges and the paddle wheels. It was wonderful. I hugged Zack. I was in heaven.

We sat there and watched. We were together and we were happy. I couldn't think of a time when I was happier. I was loved. I was loved by Zack and I loved him. What could be better?

Could I spend the rest of my life with him? Would that make me happy? Is that what I really wanted? Right now, it was, but how would I feel in the morning when I was alone? Would I feel the same way?

I wanted to, but there were the doubts that have been plaguing me all week. I wanted to be sure...I wanted to know...but I didn't.

We sat there looking out onto the river and began to talk about our lives. He told me that he had dated some but never had a real relationship.

I was surprised about that and told him so. He smiled and said, "Carol, I fell in love with you that first day in homeroom. I know that I have always loved you. Maybe I wasn't doing it consciously, but I think that I was comparing all other women to you...and they lost."

I smiled and said, "Zack, you will meet a woman who you can love, I know it."

He laughed and said, "I already have, I met her here on Sunday evening."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Oh my love, what am I going to do with you?"

He smiled and said, "Kiss me."

He leaned over and put his lips against mine and we kissed. My arms went around him and I held him tightly. I felt such love for Zack that it almost hurt. My heart ached for him, I wanted him with a hunger that I didn't understand. 

I broke the kiss and almost groaned, "Zack, please love me...please."

He picked me up in his arms and carried me into the bedroom, taking me over to the huge king sized bed and he lay me on top of the covers. The bed had been turned down and there was a small candy on each of the three pillows.

I handed him a candy and said, "Here have something sweet before bed."

He took the candy and put it on the night table and laughed, "I have something much sweeter than candy." And he leaned over and kissed me.

I looked around and giggled, "God this bed is huge, I could get lost in it."

Zack said in a low voice, "Let's get lost together."

I was overtaken by an unbelievable desire for him and I began to tear his clothes off of his body. I wanted his skin next to mine, to feel the closeness of our naked bodies pressing against one another.

He joined me in that passion and we were soon naked. Our clothes were thrown all over the bedroom. Our naked bodies were pressed together and our lips mashed against each other's. I pushed him onto his back and got on top of him, straddling his hips. I lifted my hips and took his cock in my hand and guided it into me.

I ever so slowly lowered myself onto his phallus, luxuriating in the fullness and pleasure that only Zack could bring. I just sat there with him fully ensconced inside of me. I closed my eyes and I smiled. This was joy, this was happiness, this is what I wanted...wanted for the rest of my life.

I looked down at my love and smiled. He was looking at me, at my face and into my eyes. His stare penetrated me as if he were looking into my soul, that he could see all of my secrets, all the love that I had for him. 

I felt like I was open to him. Not only my body but my entire being, my hopes, my dreams, my joys and my sorrows. There were no secrets from Zack, he knew all.

I said in almost a whisper, "I love the way that you look at me. It makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I hope that you always look at me like that."

He smiled and said, "I will always look at you like this, because you are the most beautiful woman in the world."

I smiled at him and bent over and kissed him. Just light butterfly kisses on his lips, his nose, his forehead, his cheeks. I kissed him all over his face. As I kissed him I began to move on him.

Slowly, at first, just moving my hips forward and back. Luxuriating in the feeling of my love in me. He was filling me in a most wonderful way. In a way I wanted. In a way that made me feel complete. I was now a whole person. I was loved and I loved. What more is there in this world?

I became more and more animated in my love making and I rode my Zack like a mad woman. I rode him like my life depended on it. I wanted him in me, I loved him like nothing else in my life. 

Then the colors came back. The blue of delight, the red of passion and the white of ecstasy. I was enveloped in the blinding white of ecstasy, the star that was my love exploded, I exploded into a million pieces. I was scattered all throughout the universe not here not there, but a part of my love and he a part of me.

I was no longer Carol. I became something...someone different. There was no going back to what I was and the truth be known I didn't want to go back. I loved what I had become and I wanted to remain like this forever. I wanted to be a part of Zack, yes I would marry my beloved and become his wife. I would become Mrs. Zachary Miller.

Ever so slowly we came back to reality, leaving that world of rapture and bliss behind. But knowing that we would be returning there soon, together...always together. Zack lay back and I rested my head on his chest and the next thing I knew, the room was filled with sunlight. I turned and saw Zack up on his elbow looking at me and smiling.

"Good morning, my love," he said with a smile.

"Good morning," I answered. "What time is it?"

"Only nine fifteen, we have plenty of ...Oh damn, we have to move," he moaned as he jumped out of the bed and headed for the bathroom and shower.

"Where are you going? I was hoping for...oh God, the panel discussion...I have to get going," I said as I realized that I had to be in the lobby in forty-five minutes.

When I got to the bathroom the shower was running, warning up. Zack was brushing his teeth and he handed me my toothbrush. As I started to cleanse my mouth he got into the shower and said, "Hurry, we don't have much time."

I quickly joined Zack and we washed. When we got out I was clean and once again filled with my Zachary's love.

We both were in the lobby, meeting with our respective directors in plenty of time. I glanced over to Zack as Margaret and I walked toward the conference room. Zack was walking towards the opposite side of the lobby with the coordinator of the Symposium. He looked over at me and smiled.

I felt so warm and good as Margaret and I went to the conference room. We were set up rather quickly and the questions started. At first I was watching the clock, it didn't seem to be moving. Someone asked me a question and I only heard the second part. They had to repeat it. I had to start to pay attention. 

I forgot all about the time and just enjoyed the exchanges between the panel and audience. I was having a really good time. Finally, Margaret interrupted and said that we had to end as we had already run over out allotted time.

Now I looked at the clock. We were almost a half hour past the allotted time. I then realized that Zack must be looking for me. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. But it seemed that with every step I took toward the door another person would stop me with questions.

After what seemed like hours, I got to the door and made my escape. I ran through the halls, not looking at anything just thinking about getting to Zack. Then I felt a pair of hands grab my waist and pick me up.

At first I was surprised and then I came back to the real world and found that I was in Zack's arms. I lifted my face and kissed his lips. I didn't care who, if anyone saw us. I just didn't care.

I began to stammer, "Oh Zack, I'm sorry. The panel discussion went so late..."

He was laughing, "Were you afraid that I would think that you were avoiding me?"

Then I realized how foolish I was being. He knew that I loved him and that if I was a little late, it wouldn't mean anything. I started giggling.

He smiled and said, "My love the Q&A session also ran over and I just got out a few moments ago. So although I wasn't running, I was coming to find you."

I threw my arms around him and kissed him hard and passionately. Again I didn't care if anyone saw us. I wanted to kiss Zack and I never wanted to stop. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me hard. I loved it. I just wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to love him.

We walked to the lobby and met up with Margaret and the others who were on the panel. Margaret had arranged a luncheon for the panel members and their significant others. Zack and I were looked upon as a couple and even those who knew that I was a Nun didn't seem to be uncomfortable with the situation.

I had been talking with a couple of mathematicians and Zack had been talking with some of the others. When we joined each other again he laughingly told me of a conversation he had with Margaret. He said that she was concerned about him hurting me and that he assured her that he wouldn't do that.

I smiled, knowing that he would never hurt me...but would I hurt him? Would I ever make up my mind? Would I ever be able to make the same commitment to him that he has made to me? In my heart I knew that was what I wanted but did I have to courage to actually make it a reality? I was still torn.

After a short while Zack and I left the hotel and walked around the downtown area. We weren't looking at the sights much, we were just enjoying our time together. We returned to the hotel around four o'clock and we went to Zack's suite and changed onto something a bit more dressy.

I had moved my things to Zack's suite, as we had no intention of spending any time apart. I wouldn't be leaving my love until I got on the plane to return to Santa Fe. We would be spending all of our time together.

As this was the final day of the conference and symposium, there were receptions for both groups. Thankfully the two rooms were next to each other, as there were a lot of couples that were attending one or the other, there was quite a bit of crossover. After a rather short time into the parties it was decided that the moveable wall between the two should be opened so that the attendees would have it easier to cross.

We had been at the party for about a half an hour when I heard a booming voice, "My little babushka, why have you been hiding from me?"

I turned toward the voice and saw a bear of a man. Yuri Yeshanko, the man I called the Russian bear. He stood around 6'7" and must have weighed around 300 lbs...all of it muscle. He had been my professor and mentor at UCLA. He and his wife, Natasha were probably the most influential people in my life while I was studying for my PhD. He is without doubt one of the most brilliant men on the face of the earth.

In a second he was next to me picking me up and holding me up in the air. He bellowed, "What is this I hear? Don't you love me anymore? Have you found another to take my place in your heart?"

Everyone around us were giggling, Yuri is very well known in the math world, both as a genius and as a boisterous tease. He kept me in the air for a few moments, then lowered me and held me in a bear hug and after a moment he put me down.

He smiled at me and said, "Come tell me, who is this dastard who has taken your heart from me?"

I giggled and said. "This is the dastard." And I pointed to Zack.

Yuri turned toward Zack and grabbed him and threw him into the air. Then he caught Zack and put him onto the ground.

Yuri smiled at Zack and said, "What do you think of that?"

Zack smiled and said, "That's very impressive."

Then Zack grabbed Yuri under the arms and picked him up and threw a very surprised Russian Mathematician into the air. He then caught him and placed a smiling Yuri onto the ground and laughed, "So tell me, what do you think of that?"

Yuri roared, "You're the only man who could take her away from me and you are probably the only man who could do that to me."

He went on, "But, has she agreed?"

"Not yet." he answered.

He smiled and said, "Don't force it. She will answer when she is ready."

"I know that," he answered and then looking at me said, "I'll wait."

At this point, Natasha came up to Zack and said, "If she doesn't want you, don't you worry. Yuri will want her and I will most certainly take you."

Yuri roared and said, ""Now that my wife wants you, you are even more desirable and my babushka will want you even more."

Zack laughed and said, "The only woman that I want seems to be unobtainable."

Natasha sighed and said, "That I can't help you with."

Zack smiled and said, "I'm not worried. I'm sure that things will work out."

Natasha looked at me and then at Zack and smiled and said, "Yes, I am sure that you have nothing to worry about."

Zack laughed and said, "I wish that I was as sure as you are."

She laughed at him and said, "Don't worry my love, she is only for you and no one else, not even Yuri. Only you."

I was shocked, was it that obvious? Or was it that she knew me that well.

Zack smiled and laughed, "I hope that you are right.'

Natasha laughed and said, "Don't worry my love...I'm sure."

Zack smiled and said, "That is all I wanted to hear."

Natasha smiled and giggled, "Believe me you will have no problem making her love you. For she loves you more than you know.'

I couldn't believe that my wonderful friends could say anything like this. Then I laughed, of course they could. I always felt that Yuri and Natasha knew me better than I new myself. And they obviously did.

Natasha then grabbed Zach's arm and as she whisked him off said, "Come and wine me and dine me. The Bear will only have eyes and words for his little babushka. So rather than having to listen that, I want to have a handsome young man on my arm and I will whisper sweet nothings in his ear."

Zack and Natasha went off toward the hors d'oeuvres table and in a few moments they returned with four plates filled with delectable finger foods. Both were laughing and joking, with Natasha saying that we have to eat quickly because if we don't Yuri would take everything on all of the plates.

We sat at a small table and talked while we ate. Yuri and Natasha told Zack about our time together in UCLA and how they loved having this sweet loveable Babushka living with them. Of course they joked and teased. There were a few fabrications and a lot of exaggerations in the story, and there were times that I am sure that I turned a little red. 

Zack loved listening to them and I think that he came to love them. I know that Yuri and Natasha loved Zack. At first because I loved him but soon because of who he was. Good looking, funny, sweet and also in love with me.

Later that night, when Zack and I were alone...in bed, he told me that when I had gone to the ladies room, both Yuri and Natasha grilled him about his intentions. They said that although they were not religious at all, I was. They wanted his assurance that this was not just a fling and that he was serious.

Zack went through the whole story about us and ended by telling them that he asked me to marry him and that he was still waiting for an answer. They both laughed when he pointed out that I hadn't said no.

The four of us left the receptions a little while later and walked for a while, talking and teasing. We had a wonderful dinner at a small intimate restaurant. As they were catching a plane at 6:00 a.m. we said good-bye to Yuri and Natasha in the lobby and then up to our rooms and to bed.

As we got undressed, Zack set the alarm for 3:30 a.m. I looked at him and smiled. I was just about to ask him if he would do that as I wanted to see them off. We got into bed and I immediately fell asleep in my loves arms.

It's amazing just how quickly that alarm went off. Not really wanting to get out of bed, we dragged ourselves out, quickly dressed and went down to the lobby. We arrived before Yuri and Natasha did and were waiting for them as they got off the elevator.

When he saw us, Yuri roared and said, "See, I told you, I told you they would be here. I knew that my Little Babushka would be here to see us off."

I was talking to Natasha when I heard Yuri say to Zack, "I know that you love her...but if she is hurt, you will be too."

Zack laughed and said, "Yuri nothing that you could do to me would hurt me more that the hurt I would have from her."

Yuri roared and said, "I have nothing to worry about."

There were hugs, kisses and promises of calls, letters and e-mails. Finally with a loud flourish and more hugs and kisses Yuri and Natasha got into a cab that would take them to the airport and back to LA.

As we went back up to our room, Zack asked, "Why does Yuri call you an old woman? That's what babushka means, isn't it?"

I laughed and said, "It also means a head scarf, usually worn by old women in Russia. Nuns wear head scarfs, sort of, so as a nun I'm a babushka. That's what Natasha told me, but if you want to really know why Yuri does what he does, you have to ask him. And who knows you may get the same answer the second time you ask."

Zack shook his head and laughed. I took his hand and we walked back to the elevator and took it up to his room. We got into bed and I fell asleep almost immediately. When I awoke, Zack wasn't in bed. I got up and put my robe on and went into the living room.

When I opened the door I saw Zack sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table. He was scribbling on some papers, completely lost to the world. I softly walked up behind him and stood there watching him.

He was so focused on what he was doing that I stood there for at least five minutes before he noticed me. He turned around and asked, "How long have you been standing there?"

I smiled and said, "Not too long, but what are you so interested in?"

It was like his whole face lit up and he went into an explanation of what he was working on. He said, "Right after the Question and Answer thing, I was talking to some of the people and this one woman asked me a question. I couldn't give her an answer and I told her that I would think about it. Well this morning I was lying in bed and it hit me. I got this idea and I think that it will work."

He then went into an explanation and as he had said the other day, it was all Greek to me. But I didn't stop him as I loved hearing him. He was so excited and animated. I loved it. 

Then he stopped talking and laughed, "You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

I gave him a big smile and shook my head and said, "No but I may not know what you are talking about, but I could listen to you all day."

He grabbed me and pulled me into him and kissed me. He held me close and said, "You are crazy, woman."




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 02



I giggled a bit and said what I have wanted to say for days, "Yes I am, I'm crazy about you." 

Then I pushed him onto his back and started to kiss him all over his face. My hands went to the belt of his robe and untied it. I opened it up and spread it out away off of his body. I then straddled his body, placing my legs on either side of his hips. I looked at him and he was beautiful, he was nicely muscled and not so nicely scared. But, I wanted him, I wanted him badly.

Zack untied the belt of my robe and I slipped it off my shoulders. He looked up at me and said in a soft almost awed voice, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I can't believe just how beautiful you are."

I smiled at him and leaned forward and softly kissed him. Lifting my hips, I took his steel hard erection in my hand and guided it into my wet, hungry vagina. I ever so slowly lowered myself onto his dick, reveling in the ecstasy of pleasure that my beloved was giving me. I love the feeling of having Zack's manhood in my body and I know that I will never be able to give it up.

When I was fully impaled, I stopped and looked down at him. He had his eyes closed and was smiling. He opened his eyes and said, "I love you, Carol. I love you more than anything."

I was in heaven. I smiled back at him and said, "Oh Zack that makes me so happy. And I love you my darling."

I started to move my hips, slowly riding on his stiff cock. The feeling was unbelievable, I was where I should be. This is where I belong, I knew it. I was sure, no more indecision, no more weighing the alternatives. I was sure. I rode Zack, I rode him hard, I wanted to be his completely and to have him completely, to make him mine...forever. Nothing else mattered, just the love and pleasure that we could bring each other. 

As we loved I felt the stirrings of my climax start to manifest and I knew that I would be in the throes of wild, wonderful orgasm. But I didn't want to have that until I knew the Zack was with me.

Then he gave out a moan, pushed his hips up and stiffened. I knew that he was cumming and I gave myself over to the marvelous wonder of my own climax. My world was a cocoon of joy and love populated only by Zack and me.

We were all that mattered, the pleasure and ecstasy that is shared by two people, who are totally in love. Each time I felt his manhood throb I knew that he was giving me his loving essence, filling me with his love. I have never felt so fulfilled as when I am with Zachary in this way.

Finally, I fell forward on top of Zack and just lay there breathing hard. He put his hands around me and held me tight. 

"Oh, God Carol, I don't think that I could live without you. I am going to go crazy, when you go back to New Mexico."

I just nuzzled into his chest and said, "I don't want to go back. I..."

There it was again, the doubt and not knowing. But, my God, I knew what I wanted. I knew that I wanted Zack, I wanted to be with him always, but I couldn't bring myself to say it.

I sat up, pushed myself off Zack and stood. I looked down on my lover and smiled. "I'm going to take a show, want to join me?" I turned and walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on.

He smiled, "I couldn't think of anything I would rather do."

Zack quickly got up and came up behind me. He put his arms around me and kissed my neck as I brushed my teeth. His hands moved to my breasts and he caressed them, fondling and petting them.

I leaned back and thought, "I know that I can't give this up. Would I want to live a life without having my Zachery's touch?"

I finished brushing and rinsed my mouth. I turned in his arms and put my arms around him. Then I quickly kissed his nose and pushed him away from me. He looked a little surprised and started to say something.

I cut him off by saying, "We can't start that again, I have to shower and so do you."

He laughed and grabbing his toothbrush said, "Killjoy."

I went into the shower, luxuriating in the hot needle spray. Closing my eyes and holding my face in the water. Letting the flow run over my body, washing away the sweat and musk of our loving and hopefully washing away all of the doubt and uncertainty. 

In a moment the shower door opened and I felt two arms wrap around me. His lips pressed against my shoulder and kisses rained down on me like the water in the shower. He turned me and brought his lips to mine.

I pushed my tongue into his mouth, met his and they danced. Caressing, tasting and loving. I moved my lips to his cheek, to his shoulder and chest. I stopped and kissed and sucked his nipple. I moved further down his body kissing and nibbling on his stomach and kissing his belly button. 

Then I took hold of his erect dick and stroked it. I kisses the tip and sucked the small dollop of pre-cum off of it. I kissed it again and took it into my mouth. I sucked and licked his cock like it was an ice cream cone. I was relishing the erotic sensation of having my lover's erection in my hot needy mouth.

My head was bobbing back and forth as I slid my lips over his hard cock. I have gotten to the point where I can take most of into my mouth without gagging. I am sure that I will soon be able to deep throat him.

I giggled at that thought, here I was a Nun sucking on a man's erect dick and loving it. This was wrong and I knew it. But, it was what I wanted, I loved this man and I knew that he loved me. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I would soon swear my love to him and tell him that I wanted to be with him forever...soon...I would tell him soon.

Then Zack put his hands on the back of my head and groaned, "Oh God, Carol...Carol."

I knew that he was going to cum and I sucked all the harder, wanting my love's essence in my mouth. Then he came in torrents. He filled my mouth, it was all I could do to swallow it. I gulped and drank him like someone dying of thirst.

All too soon, his dick's throbbing slowed and then stopped. I swallowed the last of his juice and licking this slowly softening penis, I stood and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Zack put his arms around my waist and pressed his lips to mine. His tongue pushed into my mouth and I knew that he was tasting the remnants of his cum in my mouth. We broke the kiss, finished washing each other, got out of the shower and dried off.

We spent the day sightseeing, going to museums, attractions and anything that caught our fancy. Dinner was a rather subdued affair. I think that we were both thinking that this will be the last dinner we will share for a while.

We went back to the hotel around nine and made love all night long. I have no idea what time we finally fell asleep, it was before the sun started to come up. The alarm rang far too early for my liking and we just laid there in bed holding hands.

Then all of a sudden, Zack jumped out of bed and laughingly said, "Get up, sleepyhead. We have planes to catch. I looked at the time and quickly got up and into the bathroom. We showered quickly, but not so fast that we didn't make love.

Zack had packed and went down to the lobby to check out as I finished getting everything packed. I met him in the lobby and we caught a cab to the airport. 

After going through security, we grabbed a quick breakfast at one of the restaurants near my gate. My plane was leaving first so we sat by the gate. We were hugging and kissing, not making a scene but showing affection and love.

When they called my flight, I started toward the gate and then ran back to my Zachery and held him telling him that I loved him and that I would be his wife. As the plane took off, I looked out of the window and I think that I dozed off as the flight didn't seem that long. After the plane landed and I was getting off, it really hit me. My whole life was going to change. I was giving up everything that I had and was going to enter into something that I never even contemplated. I had a lot of thinking and praying to do.



I'm working on the next Chapter and hope to have it out soon. Vote if you want, but please comment. Voting is not that important to me as I have found that the Anonymous Gnomes come along and give a story a one without having read anything.



Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 03



Chapter three in less than two years. This has a lot of story and not too much sex. Now once again I think that I have to point out: I know nothing about the Benedictine Order. All of the rituals or traditions are just figments of my demented imagination. I made it all up. So if you know about the Benedictines...that's nice, but I don't want to know where I got it wrong.

Once again this little tale is dedicated to Catheath, who lives on the other side of the pond.

Please enjoy.

Chapter 3

The plane landed on time. I took my backpack and walked to the ramp. I saw Rose at the bottom of the ramp, she was jumping up and waving. She is a bit of a nut, we were novices together and we got in and out of trouble together. Needless to say we have grown very close over the years. She gave me a hug and started with the questions, she wanted to know about everything I did.

After getting my bag and going to the car, I began to tell her about St. Louis. I told her about meeting Zack and him taking me to dinner and spending "some" time with him. I went into great detail about my talk and the panel discussion and about Margaret taking me to breakfasts. Going to the baseball game, getting the ball signed and going to the Arch. 

I didn't want to lie to Rose and I ended up waking a thin line. Basically, I just left a lot of things out. Sticking to the truth and leaving out the majority of the week. 

I wanted to tell her everything but that would mean asking her to keep it a secret from everyone and I couldn't do that to her. I would tell her but it would be just before I spoke to the Mother Superior. But for as nutty as Rose can be at times, she is very intelligent and very astute.

She gave me a funny look and said, "Does he still think that you are beautiful?" Then she laughed and said, "Of course he does, I'm sure that he didn't go blind." 

Thank god that she was looking at the road, she didn't see my look of surprise. Nothing more was said. We stopped at my office at the university, there was a week's worth of mail and messages from teachers, students and administrators. I just threw everything in a bag and took it back to my room at the convent.

After getting settled, I had placed the signed baseball on the top of my dresser next to the "Iceberg." I then started to go through the messages and mail. It was the usual stuff and I went through it rather quickly, answering some and ignoring others. Rose and I had dinner and she told me the news of the convent and anything that I might have missed about the order. 

After dinner I returned to my room and worked on things that had to be done before I returned to school. The phone rang around eight o'clock that evening and I knew who it was even before I picked it up. I opened the phone, closed my eyes and said, "Hello, my love."

I heard a laugh and he said, "Hello, my darling, I miss you so much." Then he added, "Wouldn't it have been something if it was the Mother Superior calling."

I gave an audible sigh and said, "Don't you think I check the caller ID before I answer? And by the way, I miss you too." We went on and talked for about an hour and then once again he asked me to marry him and I once again said yes. We said good night and after a hundred "I love yous," hung up.

A short while later, as usual, Rose knocked on my door. We have been saying our final prayers together since we were in the novitiate. I felt a little funny, praying like this after what had occurred in St. Louis. I only hoped that the Good Lord would understand and forgive me.

The next day being Sunday meant mass in the chapel. I hadn't been to mass since I had first spent the night with Zack. There was no way I could take the Eucharist, what we had done was looked upon as a grievous sin. I would have to have reconciliation first. 

I was sorry that I had sinned but I wasn't sorry that I loved Zack. I got up early and prepared myself for my confession.

As early as I could I was in the chapel and waited until Father Joseph Moran (Father Joe) arrived. I approached the confessional with a bit of trepidation. Although Father Moran was a relatively young man and was understanding he was still a rather strict priest. I had known him when I was teaching in Minneapolis, he was originally from Baltimore and had known that I taught at St Steven's, his high school's cross-town rival. Something he never let me forget. I went in and he opened the screen and I started going through the rite. Although I expected him to interrupt, he didn't.

I ended with "That is all, Father."

There was silence for what seemed like a year. Then in a very soft voice, so soft that I had to strain to hear what he said, he started, "Well my dear Sister Carol, this isn't exactly what I expected on this lovely Sunday morning."

"But, tell me were you confessing the fact that you love this young man or that the two of you sinned in the manifestation of that love. The love is not sinful, even falling in love with a religious. Nor is it a sin for a religious to fall in love with another. But the physical expression of that love outside of marriage is a sin. No matter how wonderful and right it seems, nor does the fact that this act is done with the greatest love, make it any less sinful."

"Tell me, are you serious about leaving the Order and marrying this young man?"

"Yes Father, I am. I love him and I want to be his wife, to spend the rest of my life with him." I answered. "Father, I'm not asking to be forgiven for loving Zachary. I do love him and I always will. I don't believe that my love for him is sinful. What I am sorry for and I ask to be forgiven is the breaking of my vows and for not waiting for marriage before we gave our love its physical expression."

"My dear Carol, I believe you and no one could ask for a more honest request for forgiveness. I will give you absolution, but I am going to give you what will probably be one of the most difficult penances that you have ever received."

"What I want, is for you to spend the day in your room, in prayer and contemplation. I want you to fast today, no food, just water. Talk to no one, see no one, just you in your room with God. Talk only to Our Lord, see only Our Lord in prayer and contemplation. I want you to think about what you are going to do. Think long and hard. Ask God for guidance, ask him and he will provide you with a pathway."

"Now, go and attend Mass and take the Eucharist, then to your room. Tomorrow, return to the University and the classroom. No more fasting, but prayer and contemplation. I will be at the University on Tuesday and we will talk again."

Never before had I been more grateful for his understanding and forgiveness. "Thank you Father."

He then added, "Oh, one other thing, I would like you to hold off telling Mother Superior about leaving the Order. Let's talk, there is no rush. You still have to finish the semester and there is going to be enough activity and stress to keep you occupied."

I smiled and said, "Again, thank you, Father. I will see you on Tuesday."

I left the confessional and went to Mass, and later returned to my room, with a couple bottles of water. I prayed and thought. I thought about what I had done, about the love I had for Zack and of the love he had for me. 

I thought of the consequences of that love, leaving my vocation, becoming a wife and possibly even a mother. As I prayed and thought, the enormity of my decision began to overwhelm me. But, as I prayed, a sort of peace came over me. I knew that the Lord would guide me and that I would follow his path, no matter where it led.

That evening as I sat reading my prayer book, my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Zack. For as much as I wanted to pick up the phone and hear the voice of my beloved, I had given my word. I let it go to voice mail.

I went to sleep that night at peace with the world. If the day of prayer and contemplation did anything, it just strengthened my decision to leave the Order and spend the rest of my life with my love...my Zachary.

The next day I returned to the University and realized what a week away meant. It seemed that I had so much work that I would never catch up. I was back in the whirlwind of teaching. 

I met with Father Joe on Tuesday and at least once a week thereafter. I spoke to Zack every night. That was the high point of my day. Just hearing his voice and telling him about my day calmed me down and sort of recharged my batteries.

The weeks flew by and April became May and May became June. Our year for underclassmen ended in mid-June, a bit late, but we wouldn't start the Fall semester until mid-September. The heat is really bad in July and August and into the first part of September.

The end of May and the beginning of June were unbelievably busy. Reviewing the year's work, preparing final exams, grading the projects I had assigned and meeting with students, who wanted or needed some extra help.

I was usually exhausted by the time I got back to my room at the convent. In fact one evening I dozed off while talking to Zack and I dropped the phone. He laughed and said, "Go to bed, my love. I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you."

Finally, the craziness was over and I could take a deep breath. One evening, I was going to take a hot bubble bath and relax. As I was getting a towel out of my closet a small box fell and struck me on the head. 

I laughed and thought how glad I was that it wasn't a textbook or it might have knocked me out. As I bent down and picked it up, I noticed that is was box of sanitary napkins. Then it hit me. I had missed my "friend." I hadn't gotten my period for a while, not that they were ever very regular, but... I just shrugged it off as being so stressed out and that is what caused me to be late.

But, now that I was conscious of it, I watched. I didn't come. I waited another two weeks. It was the end of June and nothing. I had to do something.

I dressed in regular street clothes, took the car I usually used and drove a couple of towns away. I didn't want anyone that I knew seeing me purchase the thing I had to get. I bought three. 

I brought them back to the convent and went into the bathroom. After following the instructions and waiting the allotted time, all three showed blue plus signs. My God, I was pregnant. I was going to have a child, no we were going to have a child.

What a fool I was, what fools we were. The thought of protection had never entered my mind. Neither of us thought of it. Now that lapse of responsibility had come home to roost. I was pregnant, I was with child. I lay down on my bed and began to cry, what was I going to do?

Then I stopped myself. No, I would not be sad. This was a joyous occasion. This was the fruit of our love. I knew in my heart that Zack would be overjoyed. That he would want this child as I did.

As I lay on my bed, there was a soft knock on my door. I quickly sat up and said, "Yes, come in." I had a very good idea who it was. 

Rose slowly opened the door and came in. She looked at me and in a very worried voice, said, "Carol, what is wrong? Are you okay?"

She came in and sat on the chair by my desk. She glanced over the desk and then did a double take. She stared at the three plastic pen shaped objects lying there and she picked one up. I was sure that she could see the blue plus signs.

She looked over at me, oh so slowly, her eyes wide with surprise. "Are these what I think they are?"

I nodded and then began to cry again. Rose came to my side and put her arms around me. "Oh my god Carol, what are you going to do? How...well we know how... what..."

I slowly collected myself and in a voice so low that I could hardly hear myself, I told my friend the whole story. Meeting Zack at the conference, my talk, his talk, our walks, the whole story about the ball game and the Arch. I told her everything...well almost everything, I didn't get descriptive.

We sat and I talked and she listened. I must have talked for hours, telling her of the feelings of love I had for him and that I knew that he had for me. Finally, that I was going to leave. That I was going to Zack and marry him. I knew that he still wanted me and would want the child that we had created.

Rose sat with her arms around me. When I finished and looked at her I saw tears in her eyes. She was crying. She gave me a sad smile. "I had a feeling when I picked you up at the airport that I was going to lose you. I am going to lose the best friend that I ever had."

I held her tight and said, "No Rose, we aren't going to lose each other. We have been separated before and you are going to Minneapolis soon. So this separation won't be so bad. And I will always be in Baltimore."

Rose put her down and said, "But, this will be different, you will have a new life and..."

"...and I will never forget you. I may be giving up this life but you are a part of my life. You are my friend...my sister. You are the only sister that I have ever had. I won't lose you."

"But Carol, things won't be the same. You will have a husband and a child. And I will be a nun."

"Yes we will be different, but I will be Carol and you will be Rose. We will always be sisters."

"Have you told Mother Belinda?" she asked.

"Not yet, I was waiting for the school year to end and everything to be settled."

"When are you going to tell her?"

I looked at Rose and then at the clock radio and put on my bravest smile and said, "I guess there is no time like the present."

We stood and Rose hugged me. "What can I say? I am losing the best friend I ever had. I know...I know...but that's the way I feel."

We both started to cry, again, holding each other. Knowing that Rose was behind me made going to our Superior somewhat easier. 

We let go and I washed my face, trying to wash away the tears and signs of crying. I didn't look too bad, but my eyes were a little bloodshot. Rose also washed and then both of us walked to the Mother Superior's office. 

We came to the door and Rose gave me another quick hug. She looked at me and with a sad smile said in a halting voice, "Well, you're on your own now. Promise you won't forget me."

"I will never forget you, you are always in my heart and we will always be sisters."

I turned and walked to the door and knocked. I heard a, "What is it? Come in."

I looked over at Rose and smiled, she returned the smile and I opened the door and went in. Mother Belinda looked up over her glasses and smiled. "Please come in Carol take a seat."

Then in a loud voice she said, "Rose, are you coming in too or are you just going to stand out there." 

I smiled and heard Rose say, "I've got things to do, Mother."

Mother Belinda answered, "Well then don't just stand there, do them."

I heard Rose's footsteps as she walked away.

I closed the door and took a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. She gave me a funny look, put her head back on the chair, closed her eyes and said, "Why do I have the feeling that I don't want to have this conversation?"

She looked back at me and gave me "the stare." Mother Belinda is probably in her mid to late sixties, she is a big woman, both physically and in personality. She can be hard as nails when need be, but she can also be soft and understanding. I needed the second part today.

All of a sudden "the stare" was gone and her face softened and she said, "Well, are you going to sit there all day in silence? Or are you going to tell me what happened in St. Louis?"

I was in shock, you could have knocked me over with a feather. How??? How did she know?

"It's a man, isn't it? It's usually a man. Well girl, out with it. Give me all of the dirty details. You want to marry him, don't you? This is why I have argued that we shouldn't allow our sisters to travel and go to conferences alone. There is strength in numbers."

"Do you love him? What a question, of course you do or you wouldn't be here, would you?"

"Has he asked you to marry him?"

"Yes, Mother."

"Probably every time you talk to him, right? And you gush and tell him 'yes' every time, don't you?"

"Yes Mother."

"Carol, you are one of the best we have. There is no doubt in my mind that one day you would be a leader in the Order. The problem is that I am sure that you will be a wonderful wife and maybe mother one day."

I felt embarrassed and lowered my eyes when she said mother and she noticed. She looked at me, and shook her head. "Say it isn't so."

I couldn't look at her and I began to stammer, "Mother...I..."

She gave me a sad smile and said, "I won't say anything. I am sure that you realize the enormity of the situation. Tell me what was the father's reaction...you have told him, haven't you?"

I shook my head, no.

"Why in God's name haven't you told him?"

"I just took one of those early tests today."

Her face softened and she smiled. "Not one of your best of days, is it?"

Tears started to run down my face and I answered, "It is the most wonderful day of my life."

Mother Belinda got up and came and sat in the chair next to me and put her arms around me. "That's the best answer I could have expected."

"You love this child and you love the father. But, now I am going to ask you to do something very difficult. You realize that you can just leave and go off to your new life. But I am going to ask you to follow our tradition. I want you to take the retreat. To go into cloister and spend the next month in prayer and meditation."

"Now, you realize that you don't have to do it, but I would ask that you do. I have found that those sisters that take the retreat have an easier time with their decision. You won't be pressured one way or the other. But, it won't be easy. You will be incommunicado, you will not contact anyone outside of the Order, except for your immediate family."

"I guess that in your case that would be your mother; but, no one else. It will be difficult for you and it will be difficult for him. But, if your love for each other is as strong as you believe, it will survive and I have found it will be stronger after this trial."

"It will start immediately, you will be transferred to our convent in Cincinnati. Only the Superior will know the reason for your transfer. You will only be allowed to have your mother visit once. And that time will be limited."

"I realize that this may seem very harsh, but it will be only for a month and then we will have a tribunal, where you will make your final decision. Again, I want you to know that this is voluntary. You will be free to leave now or at any time during the retreat."

I sat and listened to what she had to say. If I took the retreat, I wouldn't be able to talk to Zack. He would have no idea what was going on. I knew that he would suffer, he would worry, question.

I also felt a duty to the Order. I believed that there would be no question as to what I would do. But, I decided that I would do what the Order requested, I would go into cloister and take the retreat.

I looked at her and said, "I will go to Cincinnati."

Mother Belinda smiled and said, "I hoped that you would. Now go, you will be silent at four thirty, however, you will not speak to anyone outside of the order until then. You will become totally cloistered in one hour. Talk to Rose, it will be easier on both of you."

I left her office and went to my cell. Rose was there in a flash. "Tell me, what happened."

I told her and said that I would be going to Cincinnati in the morning. She helped me pack. At four o'clock, there was a knock on the door and Sr. Alice was standing there. She is a medical doctor in family practice. She is the director of the Free Clinic in the city.

Alice smiled and said, "Mother Belinda sent me to check you out. She is concerned." She gave Rose a look and said, "Rose dear, could you give us a few moments..."




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 03



I smiled and said, "It's okay, Alice, she knows."

"Oh, okay, you can stay if you want, all I'm going to do is give her a pre-natal exam." It's really nothing."

Rose looked at me, I knew that she didn't want to go; I smiled and said, "Please stay Rose."

Rose broke out into a huge grin and said, "Okay, if you want me here."

Alice examined me and said that everything was okay and that the baby seemed fine. She told me that I must be examined now every month and take care about what I eat and drink, that I must have enough sleep but don't just sit on my keester and get fat. 

"You have to remember, you are doing everything for two. Not only are you eating for two, but you are drinking for two, exercising for two, sleeping for two and keeping stress free for two. Now is the time that you must start to take care of your baby. Remember, No Fasting. You must eat, not that I want you to over do it, but you must eat and eat smart." 

She gave a small laugh and said, "Take care of yourself, Carol. Pray and give it a lot of thought. I must say this, you are the last person on earth that I ever expected to be treating like this." She gave me a hug and left.

Rose stayed until the last minute, and at exactly four thirty, she gave me a big hug and with tears in her eyes, said, "Good bye...no, so long Carol. I will see you, soon I hope." She then went out and quietly closed the door.

The next day, I went to our convent in Cincinnati, I was accompanied by another older Sister. Sort of locking the barn after the horse has been stolen. Although the only person who was told of my condition was the Mother Superior, it didn't take the rest of the nuns much to figure out what was wrong. I had thought that I was lucky, no morning sickness. But, after arriving in Cincinnati it came on with a vengeance.

After a day or two, no one asked if I was okay. They would tell me that it would pass and soon everything would be okay. Not much of a secret, huh?

I spent my days in prayer, contemplation and meditation. About a week after arriving at the convent in Cincinnati, my mother was contacted and arranged for her to visit.

She had a worried look on her face when she came into my room. "Carol, what is wrong? Why are you here and what is going on?"

I sort of smiled and said, "I'm going to leave the Order and..."

I but my face in my hands and started to cry. My mother came to me and held me. She wiped my tears and spoke to me in that soft mother voice that I remembered so well.

I told her about Zack and how I loved him. I also told her what I was doing and that I was cloistered and wouldn't be in contact with her until after the Tribunal.

She asked, "Are you going to leave for him?"

I nodded yes.

She hugged me tight and in almost a whisper, said, "Oh my love, my sweet daughter, you know that although your father and I supported your decision to become a nun and we were happy that you we happy. I have to say, that I had always wanted to see you happily married and...I know that this is selfish but I have always wanted grandchildren. But I guess that's sort of jumping the gun."

I looked at her kind of sheepishly and smiled, "Well not really."

Mom's eyes got huge and then she smiled, "Really, oh my god. To think after giving all of those girls advise about abstinence and protection..." and then she laughed, "Well I guess that I will get my wish quicker that I expected." 

Leave it to my mother to say what everyone else wanted to say but didn't.

"Tell me, is the father, I mean, is Zachary happy?"

My face went serious and in a whisper, said, "He doesn't know yet. The day I learned that I was pregnant, I promised to take the retreat and become cloistered. You are the only person outside of the Order that I have talked to. I have another three weeks before the Tribunal."

"So then he doesn't know anything. He has no idea what is going on. Carol how can you do that to him?"

I had tears in my eyes, I said, "I know, Mom. I really didn't realize it when I started, but I will now keep my silence for another three weeks. I have given my word. I have already broken enough vows."

"Well, give me his number, I can call him and tell him what is going on, the poor man."

"Mother!" I almost shouted, "I can't do that, you know that I can't."

Mom started to laugh, "Having lived with a lawyer for over thirty years, I guess that I still always look for a loophole."

She hugged me. "Well I know that there are a lot of people praying for you, so I will pray for poor Zachary...and I will throw a prayer or two in for you."

It was time for her to go. I held her for a long time, Mom could always make things better and she had. I was sad to see her go.

Now my life returned to the routine I had. Mass in the morning, followed by breakfast, prayer, meditation, working in the garden, then lunch more prayer and meditation. Usually talking to my confessor, Father Martin (call me Marty), then dinner, the community prayer, the rosary and then to bed to start all over in the morning.

I was in Cincinnati about two weeks when Father Marty was called away on a family matter. He was replaced by Monsignor Curran. He was a loud older man. He insisted that I receive reconciliation.

As I started the rite, he interrupted and began to question me about leaving the Order and why I wanted to go. He went ballistic when I told him that I was pregnant. He called me a harlot, a godless sinner and many other derogatory names.

He laughed when I told him that the father wanted to marry me. "He wanted you, when you were his eager slut, but do you really think that he is going to want a fat pregnant cow. You my foolish young lady have a lot to learn. When you tell him that you are pregnant, he is going to run for the hills. You will end up a homeless whore with a bastard child."

He was incensed when I argued, who was I to argue with him. He was a Monsignor and I was just a dumb nun and a pregnant nun at that.

He refused to give me absolution as by arguing with him, I showed a lack of remorse. I didn't mention that I had already been absolved of those sins.

As I walked out of the chapel, the Mother Superior grabbed me and dragged me into her office. She was visibly upset. "My dear Carol, I have to apologize. Had I known that he was going to be here today, I would have never let you go into the chapel. The Monsignor is a bit set in his ways and can be rather opinionated. He isn't always correct in his theological ideas, not only is he is full of himself but he is completely tactless."

"Don't worry you will not be talking with him again, Father Martin will be back tomorrow and he is, how shall I put it, more tactful."

"Thank you, Mother," was all I said.

I returned to my cell and cried. He had upset me more than I thought. He had verbalized things that, I am sorry to say, I thought of. What if Zack didn't want a baby? What if he gets upset when I tell him that I'm pregnant?

In my heart I knew that I had nothing to worry about, but I couldn't stop the doubts from sneaking in. The rest of my time in Cincinnati went from elation at being able to see Zack soon to the hell of doubt. Of wondering if he would still want me. Me a fat pregnant cow.

On a Friday morning in early August, I was sent to the Mother House in Baltimore. I would go before the Tribunal on Sunday morning. The Tribunal was a hold over from the early days of the Order. In the past it would be like a trial and the Tribunal members would decide whether the nun on trial would stay or be banished.

Today, it was the nun who more or less made the decision. If she showed up in the full habit it meant that she wanted to stay, and the members would decide if she could. But if she showed up in civilian clothes she wanted to leave. There was no question in my mind about the clothes that I would wear. 

As sure as I was about what I wanted, I still had those doubts that the Monsignor had brought to the surface. It seemed that I was in a sort of depression. I had my clothes ready, but I had no plans. I didn't make any calls, I didn't make any arrangements as to where I was going to go. I did nothing. I just couldn't get started.

On Saturday, Rose showed up. She would stand with me. In the past she would have been my defender, but now she was my support. She would be there with me.

I spent the morning with Rose and we talked. She never asked my plans or even if I had any. She later told me that she thought as usual, I had everything under control. She couldn't have more wrong.

That afternoon, Rose accompanied Miriam to a Mall in downtown Baltimore, as I was technically still cloistered, I stayed at the Mother House. Miriam had not been kind to me. She sort of reminded me of the Monsignor. But, I said nothing.

When they returned, Rose was a bit giddy. Not that this was unusual, Rose could get like that at any time. She did clam down after a while and we sat and after dinner and the rosary, we had tea and went to bed.

On Sunday I was up long before the sun. I dressed in my street clothes, a light blue silk blouse, that my Mother had given me, a navy blue skirt and a pair of pumps. I had my suitcase and backpack filled and ready.

I went to mass and received the Eucharist with Rose. Father Joe was visiting family in Baltimore and had come to see me, he had said mass. Afterwards, we talked and he could see by what I was wearing that I had made my decision. He smiled when I said, "Father, if things work out, will you officiate at my wedding?"

"Of course I will I would be privileged. But, what do you mean, 'If things work out.'"

I started to cry and told them of my doubts. "What brought this on?" he asked.

I told him of my experience with the Monsignor. He sighed and said, "Sometimes we loose sight of who we are dealing with and what we are here to do. Please forgive him and forget what he said."

Rose looked at me and hugged me, "Don't worry my dear, don't worry. Everything will be okay."

At about ten to eight Rose and I got up and started for the boardroom. Father Joe blessed us and said that he would keep in touch. As we walked through the halls, Sr. Miriam walked up to me. 

I didn't know what to expect. She said in a quiet voice, "Carol, I need you to forgive me. I have been very uncharitable to you. I have said things about you that were unkind. I am old and somewhat set in my ways and a lot of times I talk before I consider what my words might do. Please forgive this old foolish nun."

There were tears in her eyes. I took her in my arms and said, "Of course I forgive you. I only hope that when I am your age that I am as loving as you."

She gave me a small smile and said, "Either you are a dummy or a real good liar, but I will believe you...dummy."

As she walked away, Rose whispered, "Miriam is Miriam, she will never change."

"Yes I know, but I also believe that she was sincere about being sorry," I answered.

Rose added, "So do I."

We stood before the big double door of the boardroom and waited. Finally, Sister Harriet came and opened the doors. I had taught with her at St Steven's. She smiled at me and said "Sister Carol Williams, so you have your defender with you."

"Yes Sister, Sister Rose Quinten is here with me," I answered.

"Then with your defender, come before the Tribunal."

We walked into the room and stood before a great table. There were seven Sisters sitting opposite us. The Mother Provincial was in the center. She gave me a sad smile and said, "Carol, I see that you have made your decision. I can't say that I am surprised. I want to wish you good luck and God's blessings on you and your family."

"Please know that if you had wished to stay we would have welcomed you." 

All the other Sisters at the table nodded at that. Then they all got up and said their goodbyes. Then the Mother Provincial and Rose walked me to the door, opened it and we all walked out of the building.

As we walked out Rose seemed to be distracted. I didn't pay it much mind. The Mother Provincial smiled at me and said, "God bless you and keep you safe, my daughter." Then we hugged.

I turned to Rose and we hugged for a long time. Now that I was going out the door the reality of my situation hit me. I was leaving the place and the people that I had been living with for a very large part of my life. A life I freely chose, a life that I loved. 

I also realized that I didn't have any plans, other than a vague idea that I would call Zack. I became afraid and I hugged Rose tightly.

Mother Provincial asked, "Do you have a cab or someone coming for you?"

Before I could answer, Rose interjected, "It's all been arranged."

I had no idea what she was talking about. But it was like I didn't care. I smiled and when they went back into the building and closed the door, I turned and started to walk. To where? I had no idea.

I was given some money and a pre-paid cell phone. I thought that I would call a cab and go into town. But, all I did was walk toward the street.

It seemed like I was in a fog and couldn't find my way out. I saw someone or something in front of me, but really didn't look. Then I heard someone in the fog say, "Need a lift?"

I looked and the fog seemed to fade. I saw a young man, a handsome young man, the most beautiful man in the world standing in front of me. He was smiling at me. My Zachary was here. For a moment I thought that I was dreaming. But no, he was here. All I could do was say, "Yea, I could use a lift."

He came over to me and took my suitcase and backpack and took my hand in his and we walked to his car. He opened the door and I got in. He put the bags in the trunk and he got in. Once again he took my hands in his and said, "Maybe we should go to my place. I have a two bedroom apartment in a huge building."

"That sounds good...it's the best offer I had all day."

He started the car, put it in gear and drove off. I sat there in silence and looked out of the window. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't even think. All I did was look at the passing buildings and streets. I had driven this route hundreds of times. This was the route that I would take to St. Steven's.

Then I started to talk, no thinking, my mouth just moved and sounds came out. It was like someone else was talking and I was eavesdropping. "I really appreciate this, I don't know why, but it's like I'm mired in a swamp. I just can't get moving."

I went on, "Look, this will be just for a while, just until I can get on my feet, get a job and a place of my own," I wanted to take him in my arms, hold him and kiss him.

Zack didn't say anything, he just looked over at me and smiled as he drove. I closed my eyes and sort of melted into the car seat. I felt tired, worn out and it was only eight thirty in the morning.

The trip took about a little over a half an hour. We drove into the garage that was under the building. We got out and Zack got my bags. We took the elevator up to the twentieth floor and got out. His apartment was at the end of the hall. When we went in I was really surprised. It was large, open and bright. 

There was a large picture window that overlooked the city onto the water. It was a view to die for. The furniture was conservative and tasteful. As I looked around I realized that this was what I would have expected from Zack's apartment.

I stood there looking out of the window. Not thinking, not feeling, just looking but not seeing. I have no idea how long I stood there, but then Zack said, "Carol? Is everything okay? Would you like some tea?"

I turned and looked at him. He was standing there with two mugs of tea. I smiled at my love and took a mug. We sat on the couch and I sipped my tea. It was herbal. I smiled in surprise and said, "You drink herbal tea, since when?"

"I figured that I should start drinking it, as you shouldn't be having caffeine, should you?" then he added, "Did you have breakfast this morning?"

I realized that I hadn't and that I was starving. "Ah, as a matter of fact, I haven't and I could eat a horse."

He laughed and said, "Well I don't have any horse meat but I make a wicked plate of eggs and bacon...would you like some wheat toast with that?"

I couldn't believe this, he as treating me like a queen, but I was exhausted and I just wanted to relax. "That will be fine..."

What was wrong with me, it was like we were meeting for the first time again. I felt so self-conscious, I wanted to run into his arms, hold him and kiss him, but there was something stopping me.

Was it because I was pregnant? Was I still having doubts? Was I worried that he would be up set about the baby?

I was afraid that I was going to lose him. I had allowed those doubts to grow and fester in my heart.

I steeled myself and as I was going to get up and go into the kitchen and just blurt it out. I opened my eyes and Zack was standing in front of me. I looked up. There were tears in his eyes. He fell to his knees and took my hands in his.

In as low soft voice he "I'm so sorry, Carol. I didn't think. It never entered my mind. Can you ever forgive me? I know that you are upset with me, that I was so reckless and all. Please don't hate me, I couldn't live if you didn't love me."

He went on, "My love, the both of you are everything in the world to me. I just want us to be together and happy."

I took his face in my hands and lifted it. I leaned into him and kissed his lips. It was a quiet kiss no passion or lust, just filled with all the love in my soul. I held his face and kissed him forever. 

When we parted I pulled him close. I said, "Zack, I have something to tell you. Please don't be angry with me..." I couldn't finish as I began to cry, deep soul wrenching sobs. I was afraid, so afraid...I didn't know how to tell my love that we were going to be parents.

I sobbed, "I love you Zack, I love you so much and I need you so badly. Please, say that you love me and that you will always love me, no matter what."

Again I was overtaken by a wave of worry and doubt and I cried. He held me into his body, holding me tight and in almost a whisper he said, "Carol, you are my everything, I will love you for all eternity. You are my all and when the baby is born I will love him...her...whatever, with everything in me."

It took a moment to digest what I just heard, did he say...?

I pulled back and said, "What did you say, Zack?"

He looked at me with a question on his face. "I said that I will love you and our child for eternity. You two mean more to me than life itself. I'm just afraid that you are angry with me for not thinking about this in St. Louis. I'm just afraid that you are angry that I got you pregnant."

I was in shock, Zack knows. He knows about the baby. He knows and he is happy, he loves me and our child. He is afraid that I am angry with him. Oh God, my Mother must have called...

All of the doubts and tension just faded like the morning mist. I was happy, happier than I have ever been in my life.

I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. I kissed him all over his face, telling him over and over again, "I love you...I love you."

I was crying, but now I was weeping tears of joy. Knowing that all my fears were for nothing. How could I have ever doubted. I knew in my heart that he would love me come whatever. How could I have ever doubted him?

At first Zack didn't know exactly what was going on with me. Then he looked at me and said, "Carol, were you afraid that I wouldn't want you because you were pregnant?"

I looked at the floor and nodded yes.

He laughed and said, "Well it did come as a bit of a shock, when Sr. Miriam told me yesterday..."

"Sr. Miriam? Miriam told you? Not my Mother?"

"Your Mother? No, I ran into the Fossil and another young nun at the mall yesterday. Wow, the Fossil was going on and on about you. I can't really tell you what she said, at least after she said pregnant. In fact I can't really tell you much about yesterday...well after she said pregnant."




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 03



"The young nun...oh I can't remember her name.."

"Rose."

"Yea, that's it, Sr. Rose...uh, Clinton or something like that."

"Quinton."

"Yea, she said that she was your friend. Well she was the one to tell me all about the Tribunal and what time it would take place and that you would be leaving..." He looked at me and gave a sad smile, "She is going to miss you, ya know."

"Yea, and I will miss her, but I guarantee that she will visit and you will get to know her."

Now I knew what Rose had meant when she said that everything was arranged and why she was so distracted as we walked out of the Mother House. 

I looked up at Zack and he smiled at me. He leaned into me and kissed me. This time it was filled with all the love, passion and lust in the world. His tongue slipped into my mouth and wrestled with mine.

He scooped me up into his arms and picked me up. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest. I felt so comfortable and warm. He was going to carry me away to that wonderful place that I have missed so much. I just nuzzled into him.

He stopped and lowered me...onto a chair! I opened my eyes and... we were in the kitchen. I was sitting on a chair at the kitchen table. Zack looked at me and seeing my surprised look laughed, "Sorry about that. But you do have to eat. It's almost ten o'clock and you haven't eaten anything today. 

I smiled and giggled, "Well it isn't what I expected, but I guess that it's a decent runner up."

We had a wonderful breakfast of eggs, bacon and wheat toast, washed down by my tea (decaf) and coffee for Zack (I insisted). He always told me that he was a bear in the morning until he had his coffee.

After breakfast, I was feeling so much better and told Zack that I would like to go out for a walk. I have gotten into the habit of walking every day for about forty-fine minutes to an hour. Both Sister Alice and my doctor in Cincinnati had recommended that I walk.

We went out of the apartment building and walked to the nearby mall. We did some shopping and we talked. Zack was the one who brought up the subject that I wanted to talk about.

"So, when are we going to have the wedding? Sooner rather than later, don't you think? There is sort of a time constraint," he said with a smile.

I leaned into him and said, "So you still want to marry me? Even though I'm fat pregnant cow?"

"What gave you that idea? You are beautiful. You are not fat...you may be pregnant, but you are not a fat cow. Where did you get that from," he said.

I put my arm around his waist and squeezed him, "Some nasty old man."

"Well don't let me hear him say that or I give him a piece of my mind and probably a fat lip."

I giggled and hugged him. I took his arm and held onto him. I wanted to spend the rest of the day walking and talking. I said, "I know a priest that will marry us. He knows the situation and he had promised to make himself available for our wedding."

"You may know him he was one of the chaplains at St. Steven's..."

"You don't mean Father Joe...uh...Moran? That guy is an animal when he plays basketball. He'll run right over you. God, one time he knocked me over driving to the basket and I yelled, 'Hey, Father we're playing basketball not hockey.' He just laughed and said, 'What, can't you take it.' Oh yea, I know Father Joe."

I was giggling and said, "He agreed to marry us. And he realizes that it will be soon. We are going to have to the pre-Canna conferences. Oh good Lord, Zack, we have so much to do and no time to do it in."

We walked all over the downtown area. Had lunch at a small diner and finally got back to Zack's apartment around five thirty. I had made a few purchases, some clothes, toiletries and we got some groceries. I had a wonderful time, I was with Zack.

When we got back to the apartment, and put everything away, all I wanted was a good hot shower, a cup of hot tea and a big soft chair to relax in. I went into the bedroom and undressed. I went into the bathroom and looked at my self in the mirror. I was almost four months pregnant and it was becoming obvious. My lower stomach was a bit rounder and although it was hidden by my clothes, when I looked at my naked body, it was obvious.

I heard Zack out in the living room and I called out to him, "Zack, do you think, you might have any idea how I can get my back washed?"

I heard a laugh and then he said, "I know of someone who would just love to make sure that your back is sparkling clean. In fact he will make sure that your front and sides are sparkling clean."

He was naked by the time he walked into the bathroom. I looked at him and I wanted him right now, right here. It was quite obvious that he wanted me.

"You don't mind washing a fat woman."

"You're not fat."

"Oh yea, look at this belly..."

He looked at my stomach, he fell to his knees and kissed my belly. He put his arms around my waist and hugged me. Placing his cheek against my stomach. "Oh my God," he whispered, "You are so beautiful. Your belly is gorgeous."

He kissed my stomach and said, "Hello, my little one. Daddy loves you." He kissed me again.

I couldn't help it, but tears started to build up in my eyes. Being here with my love, my husband was better than I ever imagined. This is what I wanted, this is what I had dreamed about.

Zack looked up at me and then stood. I smiled up at him, the tears running down my face. "Oh my love, I'm so happy. I am on top of the world."

I took him in my arms and kissed him. Pushing my tongue into his mouth. Tasting and savoring the flavor that was Zack.

He took me in his arms and carried me into the bedroom and lay me on the bed. He just stood there for a moment, just as he did that first time we loved. He was smiling as he looked at me. I thought, he really thinks that I'm beautiful. Even with this growing belly, he thinks I'm beautiful.

I held my arms out to him and he moved to me. He lay next to me and leaned over and kissed me. His hand went to my breast and he softly fondled it. I could feel the warmth spread out from my breast to the rest of my body. This is what I want, this is what I missed. This love is everything to me.

The kiss broke and he started to kiss my cheek, nose, my forehead and my neck. It was like he was tasting me, just soft, quick kisses. I just lay there basking in the light and warm comfort of his love.

That warmth became a heat and the heat became a fire...a desire for him to be in me. I wanted him and I wanted him now. I reached down and took his penis in my hand and stroked it. I loved the smooth hardness, feeling it throb in my hand. I pulled it toward me as I spread my legs. I spread them for my man, my love, my husband.

We are married, as married as two people can be. We have pledged eternal love to each other and out of that love we have created a new life. All that was left was the public statement of that commitment.

Zack pushed into me. He once again entered me, joining with me in the most intimate way. He was part of me, my compliment, the yin to my yang. He completed me; we were one. Never again would we be parted. He would always be a part of me and I of him.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him into me as deeply as he could go. He moaned and a once again told me of his love. The love that he had for only me. Already, I was feeling the stirring of my first orgasm. It would take a while but I knew it was coming.

Slowly at first, he started to move in me. The feeling of his hard erection rubbing against me, inside of me was heavenly. Oh God, how I'd missed him, but now that I had him, I would never let him go. 

We began to love. Zack pulled back, slipping his penis out, until only the head was still in me. I couldn't believe that I felt so empty. He had filled me and I wanted to be filled again. He slammed back into me and I wanted more. I put my hands on his ass and pulled him. I pushed my hips up, trying to get all of him inside of me.

He plummeted me, pistoning his dick into me again and again. I had my arms around him hugging him into me. Wanting to take him into my body to become united with him in a way that I have never been before.

I moaned, "I love you...I love you more than anything, I love you...I love you...I love you."

He told me that he loved me between the grunts and groans and he increased his speed and passion, as he loved me. I wanted him and I took him, with as much if not more passion as he was taking me. 

We were loving, fucking, rutting, like the animals that we were. We were mating, trying to procreate and I am sure that we would have...but that had already happened. But the love was no different...we loved.

I should have been aware, but it took me almost by surprise, the pleasure washed over me. The world went brilliantly white as I began to orgasm. I was inundated by the most pleasurable feeling that I ever experienced. My love, my Zack, my husband was loving me, bringing me the most wonderful, fantastic feelings that I ever had.

Again and again the pleasure washed over me. Flooding my body, my soul, my whole being with feelings of love and joy that only my love, my mate could bring. I was completely inundated with the bliss that Zack was bringing to me. 

My breath caught and breathing became almost impossible, as I experienced the most wonderfully sexual sensation that I could imagine. I wanted to remain in this world forever and share it with my love. 

I held him in my arms and squeezed him with my legs as I came. I was in heaven, in Elysium, in Nirvana, this was everything I could ever want. More pleasure and happiness than should be allowed to any mortal. And my Zack was giving it to me.

I could actually feel his dick throb as he filled me with his seed. I could feel the warmth as he came. It was the most wonderful feeling, experiencing the warmth of his essence pumping into me. I had the greatest orgasm that ever existed. It was like my head and soul exploded into a million pieces. My whole life was nothing before I had Zack. 

After years of loving we finally came back. Back to our bed, back to our apartment, back to our world. We were one, a couple, CarolandZack, ZackandCarol. Indivisible, one in the same.

He softened and slipped out of me and he held me in his arms. We lay next to each other, breathing softly and easily. Then he sat up and said, "Well I guess that I better get dinner ready after walking you all over Baltimore and having a work out like that, you have to be hungry. And Julia Child, well the male Julia Chile is going to make you...and our child an epicurean's delight.

I lay there in the bed and giggled. I felt like a little child, being taken care of by my father, but Zack wasn't my father...he was my husband, my love. But he was taking care of us. 

He groaned as he got out of bed and he put on his robe. He smiled at me as he walked out of the bedroom.

I lay in bed luxuriating in the joy of my love. I felt so warm, so loved, so wanted. I sat up and looked for something to put on. I went to the closet and found an oversized 75th Ranger Regiment tee shirt and put it on. I also put on my panties, the t-shirt really didn't cover enough to make me comfortable.

I went into the kitchen as Zack was putting some steaks into the oven. He looked over at me and smiled, "Gotta keep you eating and feeding junior."

I laughed, "Junior?"

Zack said, "Well even if she is a girl, she will still be a junior, I guess. Hey look, I'm new at this parent stuff. I don't know what to call my child. Is it...no I hate calling my baby it...so whether he is a he or is she a she. I don't know and I don't care. It's my...our child and I love him or her. And that's all I am going to say on the subject."

He fell to his knees and said into my belly, "Hey you in there, I want you to know that your Daddy loves you. He loves you more than anything."

I looked down at him, giggling. I closed my eyes and held his head against my belly. I was in heaven. Then he asked, how much longer before we will be able to feel the...her move.

Coming out of my reverie I said, "Probably another month or so, but soon I think."

He laughed and said, "Well duh, I should check with Dr. Spock."

Zack had bought a copy of Dr. Spock's baby book. He said that his mother had one and that it would answer all of out questions. 

He stood up and in a very serious voice said, "So now we have to have dinner, you two have to eat."

With a smile on my face I sat there in the kitchen and watched as my loving husband made us a steak and potato dinner. He also made a salad and sides of broccoli and Brussel sprouts. I hate Brussel Sprouts, but Zack loves them. What a martyr I am...but, I didn't eat them. I did look at them...believe me, our baby won't suffer if I don't eat Brussel Sprouts.

After dinner, we sat in the living room and looked out the picture window. Even the dark it was beautiful. We watched the lights of the ships as they left the harbor. We went to bed at about eleven. I fell asleep almost immediately and I am sure that Zack followed quickly, we were both exhausted.

Some time in the middle of the night, I woke. At first I didn't know where I was and panicked for a moment. Then I heard the soft even breathing of my Zachary and I turned and spooned with him. I smiled into the darkness, closed my eyes and slept.

I awoke when Zack got out of the bed, I didn't feel the bed move, it was like a loss of something that woke me. I didn't say anything, but just laid there and watched him go off to the bathroom. 

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and opened the door. Zack was standing at the sink brushing his teeth. I walked up behind him and put my arms around his waist hugging him tightly. He rinsed and then turned and kissed me. I pulled away and said, "Morning breath, give me a second."

. 

He let me go and I took the toothbrush that I bought yesterday and brushed. Zack started the shower and as I rinsed he went in. I opened the shower door and stood looking at him for a moment. He was so handsome, standing there under the running water. His eyes were closed and he had his face directly in the spray. I just watched him. He looked down and opened his eyes and smiled. I felt a warmth and a desire for him. 

I went in and took him in my arms and kissed his shoulders and back. I ran my hands over his chest and held the charm hanging around his neck. He turned and kissed me. It was a long and passionate kiss. Our tongues mingled and caressed, our bodies pressed against each other. 

I could feel his penis becoming erect and I reached down and stroked it. Holding it in my hand and fondling it. It's amazing, that I felt so comfortable with him and was so forward with him. Just a few short months ago, I would have never thought of handling a man's penis like this. Now, I did it without thinking.

Zack's hands were all over me, exploring, caressing and tickling. I was hot and wet, not only from the warm running water but from my loves ministrations. I needed him, I wanted him and I wasn't afraid or bashful about letting him know.

I lifted my leg and wrapped it around him, spreading and opening myself for him. I guided him into me and sighed as he entered. He put his hands on my thighs and easily lifted me. I sank onto his fully erect penis and locked my ankles around him. 

My love began to move, lifting and lowering me on his erection as I squirmed my hips. We were in that wonderful, loving rhythm that we had become so good at. Working as one, in unison trying to give and receive the most pleasure imaginable.

And we more than succeeded. We reached for the peak of love and joy, the climax of our love. And striving as one we screamed out our love and passion as we came. I held onto him for dear life and he once again filled me with his seed.

I slowly lowered my legs and stood there in my husband's arms as the water washed over us. We kissed long and hard. Then washed each other and finally got out of the shower and dried off. I was still toweling off my hair when Zack went into the bedroom and we heard he door bell ring.

"Who the hell is that, God it's only nine thirty," Zack said as he put on his robe and walked out to the room.

All of a sudden I heard screaming, it was an angry scream, a woman...a woman! What woman would be screaming at Zack?

I quickly threw on a pair of Zack's shorts and my own tee-shirt and went to the door. I looked out and saw a woman standing right in front of Zack, yelling at him. "What the fuck are you doing? Now you're not going to work? Look I realize that you are upset but you can't just fucking die here. You have to get over it, Zack you have to get the fuck over her and get on with your life."

"If she is going to contact you she will, and if not...well then you will have to live with it. But you can't jeopardize your fucking job and career over her."

Then she got quiet and held him in her arms, "Oh Zacky, I know that you are suffering, but please don't stop living. It hurts so much for me to see you like this."

I now knew who this woman was; it was Amanda, Zack's sister, his twin sister. She was worried about him...she loved her brother and she was worried.

Then I realized just how much he had suffered not knowing what was happening with me. I realized just how much suffering I had caused him. Not thinking about what I was wearing, I walked into the living room and said, "Is everything okay, Zack?"

Amanda went silent and she slowly turned. "Holy shit, oh my God." She said as she looked at me. "You're here...Holy shit." She looked at me and then at Zack and back to me. 

She said, "Why didn't you tell me..." Then she gave a small laugh and went on, "I guess that I didn't give you much of a chance. Did I?"

"You have no idea how glad I am that you are here...ah...what do I call you? I don't think calling you Sister is quite right."

"Just Carol will do," I said.

"Okay, just Carol, if that's what you want," she laughed. "Oh, by the way, I'm Zack's sister." Then she looked at my belly. The tee-shirt was a bit tight and it showed my bulge nicely.

"Holy shit, you're preg..." she turned to Zack and screamed, "How could you do that...how could you do that to her?"

I laughed and said, "Amanda, I think that I may have had something to do with this, too."

She looked back at me and said with a big smile, "Yea, I know, but any chance that I get to yell at my brother, I take it. Anyway I can't yell at a nun...oh I mean an ex-nun. And I certainly can't yell at my pregnant future sister. And please call me Mandy."

Now I finally realized that I was almost naked and I quickly excused myself, went into the bedroom and put on that big t-shirt of Zack's.

When I came out, Mandy was alone in the living room. Zack had gone to make some tea. She came over to me and put her arms around me and we hugged. We sat on the couch and in a very soft voice she said. "Carol, I want you to know that I am overjoyed that you are here. Zack had a very tough time the last month. I came here on Saturday and that's when he told me about you. We were all so worried about him.

She then broke into a huge grin and started to laugh. She yelled, "Zack, I thought it was going to be fun watching you introduce your fiancée to Mom and Dad...but now it will be even better watching you introduce your pregnant fiancée to them."

Zack was walking out of the kitchen with coffee and tea, he said with a big smile, "Mandy, you are evil, pure evil."

Still grinning, she giggled, "Yes I am." And she gave a maniacal, mad scientist laugh.

"Look," she said, "Get on the phone and call them and Mark too. Mom was the one who called you at work and then she called me. The three of them are really worried. 

Zack took out his cell phone and dialed his Mother. "Hi Mom, yea everything is just fine. Yea Mandy stopped in, she is still here. Mom, I said that everything is fine, I just called in and took a couple of days off."




Of Heaven and Hell, My Side Ch. 03



"Tell you what why don't I stop over tonight, there's someone I want you to meet. For Dinner?" He looked at me and I nodded. "Sounds good Mom, Mandy will be coming and why don't you have Mark, Georgie and the kids over. Yea, I want you all to meet someone and that's all I'm gonna say. See you tonight, around five. Here's Mandy." He handed the phone to Mandy.

She put the phone to her ear and said, "Hi Mom...Mom...Mom...Mom she yelled, listen to me. I guess that you will have to wait until tonight to meet her...yes it's a her...I don't know...Mom you will have to wait until tonight. Yes, Joe and I will be there. Bye now."

She closed the phone and handed it back to Zack. "Oh God You owe me...you owe me big time. You are never going to be able to pay this back."

We sat and talked for a while, then Mandy said that she had better get going and then laughed, "See you two tonight. Oh God this is going to be great."

She was laughing as she left the apartment. Zack said, "Mandy you are pure evil, how did such a nice guy like me have such an evil twin. You are the evil twin."

Mandy once again gave that mad scientist laugh as she walked to the elevator.

I turned to Zack and said, "She's right you know, tonight will be interesting." I ran to him and put my arms around his neck and kissed him. "Zack, I'm afraid. What will your parents think about me? I was a nun and I got involved with a former student. Really involved, I got pregnant by him." I started to cry.

He held me and kissed my cheek. "I will be with you. They will love you, not as much as I do, but they will love you. Especially when they find out that you are carrying their grandchild."



Thanks for reading, please comment if you want. I want to know what you think about my writing. If you leave an e-mail address I will respond.

Once again, in you are a member of the Benedictine Order, let me know what I got wrong and if I write another story about the Benedictines I will try to get it right.