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More than a Substitute

By: nageren



I was nervously waiting among the crowd of stroller-pushing moms and grandparents. I usually wasn't there that early to pick up Noah from preschool, but I was worried about him that day. The school had sent home a note letting us know that his teacher, Mrs. Campbell, was going on extended medical leave. 

While they didn't say explicitly what was wrong, I could read between the lines. I knew the language, the euphemisms, the veiled fear and uncertainty. I knew it all too well. Rumors among some of the other parents confirmed my suspicions. Cancer.

The school said they would be finding a high-quality long-term substitute, but since that assurance did not come with a name, I knew it meant, "We're still scrambling to figure out what to do, but we know you just want us to promise it's going to be fine."

I was worried about Noah because he was pretty attached to Mrs. Campbell. She had been his teacher last year, too, and when he showed up in the 4-year-old class the next year and saw her waiting for him...well, I've seldom seen him happier. She was a bit like my mother, who sadly lived a few states away from us and didn't get to visit often. Mrs. Campbell was like a surrogate grandmother, and she had a soft spot for Noah. It had been during Noah's very first month in her class that his mom died. Cancer.

The big doors opened and a different class of kids came rushing out. They ran up to caretakers and jumped into arms. They held up artwork. They told barely comprehensible stories about their day. Kids whose caretakers weren't there yet moved quietly to a row of benches to wait. One class at a time- that was the system. It kept things from getting chaotic. It was a good system, and as a professional, I appreciated that.

I'm sure a child psychologist would say something about Noah displacing his longing for a maternal presence and attaching to Mrs. Campbell; but to be honest, I didn't care. If it kept him from slipping into the same darkness I had to fight, then so be it. It was Mrs. Campbell that made him so happy to go to school each morning; and it was the prospect of losing her presence in his life that had me pacing around the lobby, waiting for Noah's class to be led out to us. I mean, would he even understand what was going on? How would they explain this to the kids? What if he didn't like the new teacher? It was November- too late to switch schools, and I sure couldn't pull him out. It was hard enough finding time to work with him only in school a half day. At least this year they had lunch in class, so I had a whole 4-hour stretch to get things done in the mornings. The rest needed to wait until after Noah was asleep. Thank goodness I had a job with some flexible hours. How on earth did other single parents manage?

The doors opened again. I recognized enough faces to know that Noah would be among them. He walked through the doors, his eyes wandering around. Most of the time he needed to go to the benches for a few minutes, but I had promised I would be there early that day. His hopeful look as he scanned the crowd was priceless. I love that kid. He's my whole world. His eyes found mine as I started waving to him. He ran to me and leaped into my arms. I spun around and started carrying him out the door.

"Look! I made a face!" He held up a piece of cardboard with a lot of holes in it. You could poke fingers through different holes, making your fingers to be eyes or a nose, or hair, or a tongue. It was silly, but it was also a great way to talk about the parts of the face. It really was a good school- my son was learning and he enjoyed being there. Noah made funny noises as he wiggled his fingers through the holes. 

I got to our car and strapped him into his seat. As I started to pull out of the parking lot, I asked him, "Did you have a new teacher today?" I knew the assistant would still be the same- Ms. Murray, a retired kindergarten teacher who just helped manage things. But she had neither the desire nor the energy to run the class, as she had made clear to me once in a casual conversation when we saw her in the grocery store. The whole time, Noah had just stared at her in disbelief that teachers exist outside the classroom.

"YEAH! She's really nice. She helped me make my face. Look! I can make a tongue!"

"What's her name?"

"Mrs. Abella. She has freckles on her face. Dad, do I have freckles on my face?"

"No buddy, you don't." We went on to talk all about faces until we got home. It was too cold to play outside that afternoon, so Noah watched a few shows while I finished up some paperwork I had been working on that morning. We played the rest of the afternoon, we made dinner together, and soon it was bedtime. After his story and bedtime prayers, Noah let me turn off the light.

"Dad?" Noah always had questions at bedtime.

"Yeah, bud?"

"Did Mommy have freckles?"

"Just a few- on her nose."

"Did you think they were pretty?"

"I thought they were very pretty."

Noah smiled at that, his face just visible in the faint light of a digital clock on his dresser.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, bud."

"Mrs. Abella is pretty, too."

"I'm sure she is, buddy." With that, I sat silently next to his bed, watching him drift off. True, he could be a real terror at times, zipping around the house and finding new ways to destroy things. He had taken to ramming me with his head when he was angry, and since my crotch was at ramming level, I didn't like that development. But for the most part, he was the sweetest boy. I wanted to protect him from all the pain the world would try to throw his way. Better yet, I wanted to help him be ready and be strong enough to handle that pain. Then maybe he could teach me how to do the same thing.

 

******* 

 

The next evening, I was having dinner with some of my family at a restaurant. It was Noah's fourth birthday. My parents were in town, my brother and his fiance were there with her little girl, my aunt and uncle who lived just an hour away had come, bringing their teenage twins and, surprisingly, they brought my grandma, too. The twelve of us squeezed around one big corner table, and Noah loved seeing everyone. My dad and uncle kept him laughing, and my cousins even got their noses away from their phones for part of the time. 

The poor waitress, though, seemed frazzled and distracted and had a hard time getting our orders right. She was cute, though, so I guessed her tips would be fine, even if her service was lacking that night. I saw Grandma Josie grab her arm and talk to her for a minute. I just hoped for the poor girl's sake that Grandma was at least making sense. Sometimes her mind wasn't what it used to be, which was a shame, because she was a sharp lady. I cringed a little when the waitress blushed and hurried away.

The elephant at the table that evening was the topic of my late wife. It had been just over a year since she died, and people still didn't know how to talk to me. My brother's fiance didn't seem bothered by that, though. Near the end of the meal she said, a little too loudly, "So Brian, are you seeing anyone yet?"

I clenched my jaw and tried to be polite. She was a nice girl, really, just a little clueless on how to talk to people, and she hadn't known Carrie, so she didn't feel the loss in the same way. "No...not yet. I'm mostly just trying to take care of Noah and keep up at work." I looked to my parents for some help, but they were both playing with Noah. Well, at least he didn't have to hear any of this.

"I know some cute girls when you're ready. You'd have to move up our way, though."

"Thanks," I said, preparing my usual response. "That's very kind of you. I'll let you know."

"Hey," my brother whispered, leaning across the table to me. "Maybe you should ask the waitress for her number. Sheeeee's kinda hot." His fiance gave him a playful nudge.

Suddenly, Grandma Josie's head snapped towards us. With stern eyes, she said, "No! The waitress is off limits."

We all held back a laugh at that. Who knew she was even listening? Then she moved her eyes from my brother to me and back again. "You leave the poor girl alone. Her heart belongs to someone else."

"OK, Grandma, no waitresses tonight," my brother promised, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. But as soon as Grandma Josie wasn't looking, my brother nodded his head comically and pointed to the waitress. She was pretty, and I wondered how much prettier she'd be if she smiled. Must have been a bad night. I knew tip was included for large groups like ours, but I made a mental note to leave a little extra for her. Besides, Grandma Josie seemed to have taken a liking to her, and that meant something in my book.

But I had no intention of getting her number, or anyone else's at this point. Too soon, I thought. And too hard to explain to Noah. How, as a single dad, was I supposed to go about getting to know women? Besides, after losing someone, and having watched them suffer the way Carrie had, I wasn't sure love was in the cards for me again, at least not for a while. I barely had the strength to be there for Noah- I still couldn't imagine having enough of my heart to spare for someone else. But maybe there was a woman out there who would be content to share my bed and help raise my son without expecting my heart in return...

 

******* 

 

A few weeks later, I was looking at the information in the folder Noah brought home from school each day. I was shaking my head in frustration. The Christmas party was a mess- a real mess. And I didn't think I was being too picky about it, either. I was a project coordinator- that was my job. I freelanced around to different companies, helping them to use their current resources to plan and execute special projects. I was pretty good at it. So in the weeks leading up to Christmas, I was getting frustrated at the obvious lack of planning and organizing going into the class Christmas party.

I know- no big deal, right? It's a preschool class, for goodness' sake! But just watching how it was being handled made me cringe. Getting parents to bring whatever food they wanted, miscommunication about times, different messages being sent about the schedule...Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I sent a note in with Noah, about 10 days before the class party. It looks like you could use some help planning the party. Please call me. Sincerely, Noah's Dad (Brian). I gave my number and didn't really expect a call. I just wanted to know that I had done what I could.

A few minutes after Noah and I got home that day, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

A sweet, feminine voice asked, "Is this Brian? I'm Noah's new teacher..."

"Mrs. Abella?"

She laughed awkwardly and said, "Um...yeah. I saw your note. You're right. I could really use the help. But I don't want to impose..."

"I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it. Can I just tell you what I'm seeing?"

"Sure...unless you'd rather just take the whole thing over!" 

"That bad?"

"It's been a crazy few weeks. I'm having a hard time just keeping up with the regular class stuff. The party is a whole big extra thing, and Ms. Murray, uh..."

"Ms. Murray is sweet and competent but is done working as soon as the kids are gone, right?"

She sighed in relief. "Yes. Exactly."

"Well, Mrs. Abella, my job is to make things like this go smoothly..."

I was interrupted by her laughter, which was delightful to hear. I pictured a young, recently married woman, her face barely that of an adult, smiling and covering her mouth as her eyes twinkled in laughter. Then I reminded myself that this was Mrs. Abella. I'm sure Mr. Abella would not take kindly to me fantasizing about his wife while talking to her on the phone. "You professionally plan preschool parties?" she asked, still laughing.

"I plan projects. Same idea," I said, smiling. "Let me give you three easy suggestions that could help you get a handle on this. If you still feel overwhelmed, give me another call and I'll see how I can help." I explained three simple things that would organize the whole process for her. She thanked me again and again. I got a little embarrassed and finally told her to just make sure she did what I suggested and called if she needed more help.

Noah had been watching a show on my laptop while I was on the phone. As soon as I hung up, he said with his eyes still on the screen, "She has a nice laugh."

"She sure does, buddy."

"I'm gonna tell her a joke tomorrow and make her laugh again," he said seriously, eyes still on his show.

"OK, bud. You do that and let me know how it goes."

******* 

 

I got another call from Mrs. Abella a few days later. "Brian, I'm so sorry to bug you, but I could really use your help."

"Sure, what is it?"

"It's Ms. Murray. Apparently she's on vacation the day of the party- she's been planning a trip since this summer, and she assumed I knew! They'll get me someone else to help manage the class, but...I just don't know if I can run the party and the class. I already feel like I'm barely holding their attention."

"What? Are you kidding? Noah's crazy about you. He loves coming to school- which is saying a lot, because some days he only got out of bed in the morning because he wanted to see Mrs. Campbell. Sounds to me like you're doing fine."

"I'm not...I'm sorry to be unloading on you like this, but I'm freaking out a little bit, and everything you said helped so much last time..."

"So what are you asking?"

"Can you come to Noah's class for the party?" she said quickly.

"I was planning to be there- won't they be doing a little show or something?"

"Yeah, but...can you come early and, like, run the party? Tell people what to do and stuff? There's a mom and a grandma helping with crafts and snacks, but I need someone who knows everything that's going on and who can coordinate stuff and answer questions and tell me what to do that day. I can manage the kids, but I can't do the kids and the party."

"Uh...I don't know, Mrs. Abella..."

She laughed a little, then said, "I'm sorry, it's just so funny when you call me that." I figured that if she wanted to, she could tell me her first name, but it was probably good for me to keep reminding myself that she was a Mrs. 

Interpreting my silence as hesitation, she said, "Brian, if you do this, I'll let you take home all the extra cupcakes and cookies after the party."

"Ooohhh...now we're talking. Homemade cookies and cupcakes?"

"I think so. Deidre's mom signed up to bring them, and she seems to be one of those super moms who goes over the top with everything, so they'll probably be amazing."

"Don't tell her this, but I hate those moms. Not that they do all that, but that they sort of rub it in, you know? I mean...some of us work all day."

"Tell me about it. I try not to feel guilty but..."

"Hey...I'll do it. I was already taking the morning off to be there for the party...I'll just come earlier."

"Yay! Thank you! You're a life-saver!"

"Don't mention it. I'll see you next Thursday, OK?"

"Thank you, Brian."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Abella."

 

******* 

 

Thursday morning came, and I had arranged to show up 15 minutes before the kids arrived so I could touch base with Mrs. Abella and make sure the room was ready. She opened the door to the classroom and immediately dropped down to Noah's level to give him a hug. Noah's a hugger. Once he had scampered past her legs, I introduced myself, offering my hand. Mrs. Abella skipped my hand and went straight for a hug. I awkwardly put one arm on her back, still holding Noah's backpack in my other hand. Apparently, Mrs. Abella was also a hugger.

"Sorry...I just appreciate this so much," she said.

I tried not to stare. I really tried. She had freckles, yes- beautiful light brown spots across her nose and cheeks. I could see that there were also patches peeking out from her shoulders, trying to work their way up her neck. Her wavy hair was dark brown and probably long, though she had it tied up in a bun. Her eyes did sparkle, just like I had imagined, and they were an amazing green. Give her some red lipstick and her face would be ready for Christmas, I thought.

She led me into the room, and my eyes took her body in appreciatively. She was somewhat petite- thin and just on the short side of average. She was dressed modestly, but I could still tell she didn't have much in the way of curves. It didn't matter, though. Her outfit was stylish and her demeanor friendly. She would certainly turn heads (she turned mine, at least), but not because she had a classically sexy body. She was just...very beautiful.

I was embarrassed to realize she had been talking to me, but since her back was turned, she didn't notice that my mind was elsewhere. Instead of asking her to repeat herself, I tried to recover by saying, "Hey, before anything else, how much liberty do I have to rearrange things in here?" She told me to do whatever I thought best, and so I moved the craft and snack tables to opposite sides of the room. Putting the "performance area" in the middle and seats around it, I felt like we had a much more workable space than before. 

When I had finished setting things up, I looked over at Mrs. Abella, who was just watching me. She seemed flustered when I caught her watching, then said, "I'm sorry, I'm just marveling at how much Noah looks like you. It's the eyes."

I looked over at Noah, who was in the corner pretending to cook at a toy stove, serving food to another little boy. We did look alike. We both had the same blue eyes and sharp nose. Noah had his mother's red hair instead of my light brown, though, and when he smiled, I saw Carrie all over him.

Watching the boys play, I asked, "Are parents allowed to drop kids off early?"

Mrs. Abella, looked at me quizzically, then with a flash of understanding said, "Oh, no..." then walking over to the boys, she squatted next to them and put her hand on the other boy. "This is my Jax. He's in a different class here, but he comes with me in the morning." Jax looked over at me and gave a small smile, then pretended to take a bite of some play food Noah had put before him.

Just then, a light tap on the door warned us that the kids were arriving. Miss Rivera, who was filling in for Ms. Murray that day, led in the first group of children. Mrs. Abella welcomed each of them by name, stooping down to say hello. She was so good with the kids. Over the course of the morning, I saw that over and over- she really had a gift for making the kids feel safe and happy. In that sense, she reminded me of Carrie, my late wife. Carrie was born to be a mom, and she had relished the role once Noah came along. Mrs. Abella seemed not only to be good with kids in the way a teacher is (like Ms. Murray was), but also in a loving, nurturing way that treated them each like her own. It was a pleasure to watch her work.

I ran the party, which went smoothly (until the kids got into the cookies, then we were just trying to survive the last 30 minutes). Once the day was over and all the kids were gone, a teacher led Jax back into the classroom with us to wait for his mom. Noah and I helped clean up, and just as we were about to leave, Mrs. Abella handed me two bags of leftover snacks. 

"All yours!" she said. Then, as I stood there with my arms spread out, holding the food, Noah's gift bag, and Noah's backpack, Mrs. Abella moved in and gave me another hug. My arms were too full to reciprocate, so I stood there as she squeezed me and put her head briefly on my shoulder. I breathed in the strawberry scent of her shampoo, mixed with the peppermint scent of the frosting that had somehow gotten in her hair. 


More than a Substitute



"Thank you," she said, backing up. 

When she stepped back, I saw that she was a little teary-eyed. I cocked my head and asked, "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," she said, smiling. "It's just been an overwhelming month, taking over the class so suddenly. I'm just glad that Christmas break is here. Everything's catching up with me all at once, I think. But really...thank you for helping." She wasn't just touchy, she was a talker, too. I didn't mind, though.

"Don't mention it," I said as Noah walked up to us. Looking up at his teacher, Noah gripped her leg in a friendly hug. "It's OK, Mrs. Abella," he said, then walked over to me. Mrs. Abella and I looked at each other, silently expressing how sweet we thought that was, then Noah and I headed out the door.

"See you next semester?" I asked.

"I hope so," she said. Then she had a horrified expression. "I mean, I don't hope that Mrs. Campbell is still sick...but if she is, I hope I still am able to teach, because I can sure use the work. Oh, God, that sounded so horrible. But I hope I can see you again either way...and Noah...Sorry, I'm not making sense, am I?"

"I get it," I said, trying not to laugh at her obvious discomfort. "Let's just stick with Merry Christmas, then."

"And Happy New Year!" Jax shouted from across the room, part of our silent audience.

 

******* 

 

Mrs. Abella was back the next semester. Noah told me on the first day back how happy he was to see her. It was good to see that he had made another connection. He still asked about Mrs. Campbell now and then, and he prayed for her at night, but I think it was like with his mom- if I didn't talk about it much, he eventually stopped asking. I didn't really want Carrie to fade from his life like that, and sometimes his questions assured me that she hadn't, but for me it was a lot easier to not think about her as much.

A few days into the new semester, a sign-up sheet came home in Noah's backpack. They were asking parents to come in and read a book to the class during the last few minutes of the day. I signed up for a slot the next week, and Noah helped me pick out the book he wanted me to read to everyone.

Mrs. Abella greeted me when I showed up to read. She was wearing jeans and a nice blouse. The jeans were tight and showed off her lean legs. I wanted to admire them, but I knew Ms. Murray's eyes were on me- I always thought she was a little suspicious of the single dad, like I was a predator or something. Nevertheless, Mrs. Abella smiled warmly at me, and her hand gently touched my back as she led me into the classroom. She sure was touchy. She even sat cross-legged next to me on the floor, leaning against me now and then when we all laughed. Those little touches- brushes of the arm, a shoulder against my back- Felt so much more intimate than they should have. They felt intimate because they felt familiar. This wasn't like awkward strangers bumping into each other but more like two old friends, or even lovers, who are used to sharing the same space.

I read the story, with a little help from Noah, and I tried to use funny voices for all the characters. I loved watching the kids laugh. Mrs. Abella thanked me as Noah and I left after class.

"Please come back anytime," she said, putting a hand on my arm. "There are plenty of spots to sign-up for, if you want to. I think the kids...and I...like having you here."

It was innocent enough. She was a friendly woman. If she was single, I would have thought she was flirting with me. If she was single, I would have wanted to flirt back. It was nice getting the attention of a pretty woman, and even if my heart was weary, the rest of my anatomy was operating like business as usual. But she was a young mom, and somewhere there was a Mr. Abella- probably as young and handsome as his wife was young and beautiful- who would not want me getting the wrong idea about her innocent, friendly behavior. I pictured the kind of man she was probably with- tall, with short spiky hair- the face of a model and the body of an athlete. I bet they looked perfect together, his strength complementing her beauty.

But even if I consciously kept an appropriate distance, my subconscious was still hard at work. That night, in my dreams, I relived a scene from my past- part memory, part fantasy. I was with Noah and Carrie, at the beach. We chased each other through the waves, Noah giggling as he played in the sand. Carrie fell laughing into my arms, and I slid my hand up the side of her body, which was much thinner than I ever remembered it being. Moving in for a kiss, I felt my heart surge with love and desire, lacing my fingers in her brown hair It didn't strike me as odd that her hair was brown instead of red. 

I pulled back and we ran, hand-in-hand, to the shore. Sitting down around Noah, I felt contentment and peace, feeling those things for the first time in ages. A hand reached down and stroked Noah's hair. Looking back at the woman curled up next to me in the sand, I saw Mrs. Abella's twinkling smile gazing down on my son. She leaned over to me and we kissed, and everything felt right about that.

Waking slowly, I looked to my side at the empty half of the bed- the unused pillow reminding me that I had only dreamed of contentment, not really felt it. I sighed, realizing that even if I found a substitute wife- someone to keep house, care for Noah, and sleep with me- I still wouldn't really be happy. Some things would be easier, sure, but for real contentment, to really feel what I had glimpsed in that dream, I needed more than just a substitute. In the meantime, my dream had left me with a more urgent issue that had me pulling back the covers, lowering my sweatpants, and reaching for the box of tissues.

 

******* 

 

A weeks later was Valentine's Day. No big party, this time, but there was a special snack time and exchanging of valentines. Parents were invited to come in a little before dismissal to help with snacks and to hear a little song the kids had prepared. I came in, getting a side hug from a hurried Mrs. Abella. 

I sat among a few other moms, one or two of whom I had chatted with before. It was usually awkward, though. Most of them didn't know what to talk to me about. They knew about Noah's mom, but to always be asking soberly, "How is Noah doing with that?" got really old. So I mostly just listened as they talked about things their families did. One of them had once tried to set me up with a single friend of hers, but at the time it had only been 8 months since Carrie had died and, well, even if certain parts of me were eager to get a woman in my life, my heart just hadn't been ready. And I had no idea how to approach that issue with Noah. So you see, buddy, Daddy has certain needs... Yeah, I wasn't going there just yet.

During the song (which turned out to be three short songs with hand motions), Mrs. Abella came over and sat next to me. Again, it was innocent enough, but then during a point in a song where Noah got particularly involved in the dancing, she put her hand over on mine, which was in my lap, and pointed at him. Her hand lingered on mine for a bit longer than was needed to get my attention- in fact, she left it there for the rest of the song. What was I supposed to think of that? It wasn't like I minded being touched. Just the feel of a woman's soft skin on mine was...wow...something I hadn't realized how much I'd been missing. But the possible inappropriateness of it bothered me. That, and I wanted to touch back.

I looked over at her and admired the happiness in her eyes. She really loved these kids. She was the kind of woman that I hoped to someday be able to find again, if I could be so lucky twice in one life.

As class was ending, Mrs. Abella stood up and said, "Moms and dads, remember next Friday is conference day, so if you haven't signed up yet, please see me before you leave!" Conference day, right. I had forgotten. A 20-30 minute block of time to sit down with the teacher and review where your child is on certain standards of development. Noah was usually right on track, maybe a little more advanced on some of the emotional development scales, but hey, the kid had seen a lot. What I most liked about the time was that they went through things like art projects to show you what some of the things meant- this showed good fine motor skills, this showed a hard time distinguishing colors, etc. And they always tried to praise your kid- a lot. So that was nice.

Anyway, I needed to sign up, so I found Mrs. Abella right about when Jax was coming in, after all the other kids and parents had been ushered out. All the good time slots- early morning or right before pick-up- were taken already, so I had to go right in the middle of the morning- breaking up a good chunk of work hours. Oh well.

As she wrote down my name on the schedule, Mrs. Abella asked without looking up, "So do you and Noah have any plans for Valentine's Day?"

I looked over at the boys building a block tower in the corner. "No...not really our thing, I guess."

"Aww, too bad."

"You? Did you manage to get a sitter on the busiest baby-sitting night of the year?"

"Me? Oh, no...not me," she said, picking up her bag and walking over to the boys. "I've got my little Valentine right here." She pulled Jax close to her side, and he whined in protest. "Mom, don't make me knock over the tower!"

She let him go and stood up to face me. "We'll be making heart-shaped cookies and talking to grandma and grandpa on the computer tonight, right sweetie?" She got no answer from Jax, who was watching eagerly as Noah tried to add another block on top of the tower.

"That sounds like a fun family night," I said, picturing the three of them decorating cookies together in a kitchen. "And it actually sounds like I good idea- calling grandparents, I mean. Maybe Noah and I can do that tonight," I said. Then as Noah gingerly pulled his hands away from their creation, I said, "Hey bud, let's go. You can see if the tower it still up when you come back in the morning."

"It will be, Dad. It's super strong!" he said with confidence. Mrs. Abella and I smiled wryly at each other, hoping he wouldn't be disappointed. We waved goodbye and headed home.

******* 

 

Conference day. Ms. Murray and Miss Rivera kept the kids occupied all day while Mrs. Abella met with the parents who came in. I showed up for my 10:30 appointment just as the kids were heading out to the playground. Despite being late February, the temperature was mild, so the kids were getting some much-needed outside play time. I sat down in Noah's classroom at a little table across from Mrs. Abella.

"So, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this, but Noah's an absolute joy to have in class. He's so well-mannered and I can tell you take wonderful care of him," she said. Oh, the flattery. I loved it. Even though I knew every parent would hear this, it still made me feel good. She went on to talk about his development, including some areas he could work on- mostly verbally expressing his needs. Yeah, I think Noah stopped expressing those as much when I went through a phase of unresponsiveness during the last weeks of Carrie's life. I silently cursed myself for hurting him that way.

"So here's a picture he drew back in January, when we were learning about families..." She held up a big sheet of paper that had a drawing of me, Noah, and an angel flying overhead. "You can see that he has a good understanding of relative size and perspective- you know, the heads are the right size compared to the bodies, feet are on the ground, people stand next to each other, and...um...the angel...in the sky and all."

I winced a little at that. "Yeah, that's...probably his mom."

"I know," she said softly. "He told the whole class who it was...and Ms. Murray filled me in on the details. I'm really sorry."

"It's OK. We're...OK."

"I have no idea what to tell you about how to help him deal with that. I just...wish there was an easy way to explain things like that."

"There's not, really. But thanks."

After a few seconds of awkward silence, she continued. "Anyway, I just pulled that out to show you an example of how he's doing developmentally. Now, with some parents, I give them ideas on how to be continuing our lessons at home, but I'm not going to try to give you a big plan of how to help him at home, unless you want me to. I know how hard it is being a single parent- you're just trying to keep things together, most days. Who has time for anything else, right?'

"Yeah...it's a struggle sometimes. But I'd love to hear any suggestions you have. I mean...I am lucky enough to have a job with some flexibility. So I can usually devote my afternoons to being with Noah."

"Really?" she said, surprised. Then the words just rushed out of her, like they tended to do sometimes, "God, that sounds amazing. I try to do that, but with cleaning and laundry and making food and everything, I'm just so overwhelmed. And then I still have to prepare lessons for the next day, and I work part-time a few evenings, too, and if I put everything off until after Jax is asleep, then I'm too tired to get anything done. How do you do it?"

I narrowed my eyes and looked at her. "Is Mr. Abella not around?" I asked, getting the impression that he wasn't. Widow? But she didn't seem to connect with me over losing a spouse. Divorced so young?

"Who?" she asked with obvious bewilderment.

"Mr. Abella."

"Who's 'Mr. Abella'?"

"Jax's dad...?"

"Brian...you've lost me. I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, seeming as confused as I was.

"You're talking like you're a single parent, too. Or at least that's what it sounds like. I'm sorry if it's too personal a question, but I'm just wondering what happened to your husband."

She turned her eyes up in thought, mumbling to herself, "Mr. Abella...Mr. Abella...Mrs..." Then her expression changed and she laughed. "Oh...my...God...that is too funny!" she said. Then reaching her hand across the table to give me a handshake, she said, "Hi, we haven't been properly introduced. I'm Isabella, single mom. The children call me Miss...Isabella. You can call me Isa."

 

******* 

 

I looked at her for a few seconds in disbelief. Then taking her hand gently in mine, I shook it slowly. "Well, Miss Isabella...Isa...I'm Brian, single dad. And I can't tell you how happy I am to finally meet you."

She smiled in that beautiful way that made her eyes almost disappear into sparkling slits above her cheeks. Then she released my hand, sat back and asked, "All this time you thought I was married?"

Still a little shocked, I said, "Can you give me a minute to mentally revisit the past three months in light of this new information?"

She half-nodded her head and said, "Go ahead...we've got another couple minutes before the kids get back."

My mind replayed scenes from the Christmas program...reading in the class...Valentine's Day... "OK," I said, taking a deep breath, "One more question...that hopefully won't make things too awkward..."

"Go ahead," she said, finding a lot of humor in this.

"Have you been flirting with me?"

"YES!" she said, leaning forward and smacking her hands down on the table. "And I thought, Oh my God, is this guy just not at all interested in me? Is it too soon for him? Have I lost my touch? Am I being too subtle? And all along, here you are thinking I'm married! And I just thought it was cute how you called me 'Miss Isabella' all the time..." She paused for a breath and so I jumped in.

"Meanwhile I'm picturing your husband coming after me for the things I'm thinking about you, and I'm wondering how you could be so touchy-feely and not realize the effect you're having on men."

"So I did have some effect on you," she said triumphantly. I raised my eyebrows and gave her an "are you kidding me?" look. Just then the door opened and a group of rosy-cheeked kids walked single file into the room, and I turned around to look. Noah smiled at me but stayed in line and stayed quiet. I gave him a wink and a thumbs up. He tried to wink back, but he ended up just blinking. Mrs. Abella...Isa...chuckled behind me. 

All my thoughts of my heart not being ready and not having time or energy to get close...it didn't matter for a moment. I knew this was a matter that should be handled delicately. I knew I had to proceed with caution and not rush into anything without carefully preparing Noah for any changes. I knew all that, but I just didn't care- for just a moment, I didn't care, and that was all it took. Isa passed me a paper I needed to sign to acknowledge that she had gone over all the conference material with me. I signed the paper, but before pushing it back, I pulled out my wallet and grabbed an old receipt. I jotted on the back, "You & Jax, dinner @ my place today? 5?" No sense in alerting Ms. Murray to any shenanigans. 

Isa's eyes went wide as she read it, and she looked at me, beaming. After she nodded, I grabbed another receipt (they tend to pile up in my wallet) and wrote down my address for her. Then standing together, we walked towards the door. Ms. Murray was leading a child into the bathroom and Miss Rivera was busy helping kids remove coats, so Isa leaned towards me, going on her tiptoes to help close the few inches of difference in our heights, and put her mouth near my ear.

"See you at dinner," she said softly, then planted the slightest little kiss on my cheek. I floated out of the classroom and back to my car. Forget work, I needed to get home and clean. 

 

******* 

 

I smiled to myself as I picked dirty laundry off the floor and took dirty dishes to the kitchen. Without intending to, Isa had sneaked past my guard. I hadn't been considering her as a possibility for a relationship, so I let myself start to like her and feel comfortable around her. And now that the door was open to something more, the foundation had already been laid. But I didn't know what to tell Noah. I wished I had planned this a little better. I'm not normally so impulsive. Normally it would have taken me a week of planning to arrange something like this.

"Hey bud," I said to him that afternoon. "Do you like playing with Jax?"

"Jax?" he asked, "Yeah, I guess."

"Do you want him to come over our house today? You could show him your toys..."

Noah was silent a few moments. Then he asked softly, "Will Miss Isabella come, too?"

"If that's OK with you," I said, hoping he wouldn't be too nervous about his teacher coming over.

"Then YES!" he said suddenly. "I love Miss Isabella!" OK, then. Apparently Jax was an acceptable part of the plan, so long as he brought his mom with him. As I was picking up toys from the living room floor a few minutes later, I got a text from Isa.

Sorry to bug you. Jax is restless, I'm frustrated. Can we come over sooner? 

I looked around the house with a sense of defeat, Even if I cleaned up, it would revert to the same messy state in a few hours. I texted back, Sure. We've all been there. But an earlier arrival means a messier house.

A few seconds later I received, On our way :) I walked into the kitchen and pulled some food out to get a jump start on dinner.

 

******* 

 

I actually thought about their arrival. Should I hug her? Shake hands? Side hug? What was appropriate? What would be wise and not confusing for the boys? What would be more than just friendly but not overkill? 

The doorbell rang and Noah ran to open it. He stood in the doorway, staring up at Isa, blocking their way in. I walked over, wiping my hands on a towel just as Noah threw his arms around Isa's legs. Just then, Jax bolted past and started running down the hall. I think 4-year-olds have a toy radar- they know just where to find things.




More than a Substitute



Noah, either feeling threatened or excited by Jax's presence, ran down the hall after him. We soon heard the sounds of happy little boys telling stories with their toys. I walked over to Isa and gave her a friendly hug. She walked in, dropped her bag on the couch, then plopped down next to it.

"Drink?" I offered.

"I'm good for now," she said, holding up a coffee tumbler and putting her hand on her brow. "Sit with me?" she asked.

With a sigh, I joined her on the couch. She looked sideways at me and said, "If we knew each other a little better, I'd be asking you to rub my feet right now."

Listening intently down the hall for a second to ensure that the boys were occupied, I reached down and pulled her feet into my lap. "Let's pretend we know each other better," I said.

With a groan of satisfaction, Isa kicked off her shoes and reclined on the couch with her feet in my lap. Head back and eyes closed, she said in a low voice, "How well do you want to pretend to know me?" I wanted to hear that as an invitation to go further, but what little I did know of her personality told me it was probably a joke. The joke of an exhausted single mom.

"I'd rather not need to pretend," I said, rubbing my hand just up to her mid-calf and back down to her feet.

She gave a small laugh and said, "I know, me too. Since we're talking about it, I don't have the energy today to act like someone else. You're going to just get me, unfiltered. It's a lot easier in the long run, but I understand if it's not that attractive."

I had already noticed that she just let her thoughts flow sometimes. I asked, "Have you been filtered up till now?"

"Not really. I mean, you always see me with the teacher filter on, so I have to watch some of the things I say and do. I can drop that act today. But I'm not going to act like I'm anything other than tired and a little worried and a lot of other less-than-perfect things right now." She was saying all this with her arm across her face, covering her eyes. 

"Well," I said with fake disappointment, still rubbing her feet, "that's too bad. I'm really only interested in perfect women. I guess I'll just have to go make dinner and listen to you go on and on about what's got you worried. I suppose we can just be civil until our boys are done playing." Without warning, she kicked a foot up at my face, probably only intending to startle me. But not realizing that I was a little bent over, she made contact with my chin. 

"AHH! I'm so sorry!" she said, sitting up. She hadn't hurt me too bad, but her nail had cut my chin. "Oh God, you're bleeding," she said, digging in her bag. 

I stood up and headed to the bathroom. "It's OK, I got this," I said, glancing in the mirror at the little trickle of blood on my chin. Isa stood awkwardly outside in the hall, making eye contact with my reflection. "I'm so sorry, Brian, I didn't mean..."

"It's no problem really. Hey, while I'm tending my wounds, can you go in the kitchen and start chopping something? Everything's on the counter."

Glad for the distraction, I think, she went to the kitchen, where I found her a few minutes later with most of a salad chopped and ready. We chatted as we made dinner, occasionally heading back to Noah's play room to break up a scuffle.

I learned a little of her story. She got pregnant just after college, during a post-graduation vacation at the beach. Failed condom, she assumed, but it was a crazy enough week that she wouldn't have been surprised if she and her boyfriend had forgotten to be safe one time. They had broken up already when she found out she was pregnant. They were still on good terms, though, and he volunteered child support. It wasn't a lot- he was just getting started in business and didn't have much- but it was enough to make a big difference if Isa lived modestly. He lived across the country, though, and wasn't a part of Jax's life. Her parents lived a few hours away, and they had shut her out for a while after she got pregnant. But in the past couple years, they had apologized and begun mending that relationship. 

Finding work had been hard. Well, finding it wasn't hard, but managing to work and raise a child alone was hard. She was connected to some women who cleaned houses and offices, and since most of them had kids, they took turns watching the children while the others worked. It wasn't an ideal set-up, but it helped keep her afloat. Once Jax was old enough for preschool, Isa arranged to be a floating substitute teacher at the school. It paid a small amount but also meant that Jax could get free tuition. Like me, she was looking forward to when her son was in school for more of the day, enabling her to work more regularly. For now, though, she subbed and still cleaned houses.

"So...any other guys in your life since Jax came along?" I asked, putting plates out on the table. "I mean, let's be real here. I'm kind of digging you, and I don't want to beat around the bush."

She smiled, pouring drinks for the boys. "Dig away," she said. "You'd be the first. Not that...I mean, I've had a few guys talk to me, but they either were hesitant once Jax came into the conversation, or else they...I don't know, maybe they thought that a single mom would be too desperate to be choosy."

"Darn," I said, "You're choosy. I was hoping this would be easy."

Isa stepped towards me and planted a quick kiss on my lips. With a confident smile, she said "Brian, it's very easy...for the right guy." Then moving over to the stove, she yelled, "Jackson, Noah, time to eat! Wash your hands!"

The thumping of feet and clatter of toys told us they had heard. Noah, who wasn't as used to washing up as Jax was, followed the slightly older boy into the bathroom and did everything Jax did. They ran into the kitchen and hopped into their seats. Most of our dinner conversation was dominated by the boys, telling us about their adventures. It amazed me how, rather than work against each other, their imaginations meshed together and made new stories as they played. Noah's intention to run a zoo and Jax's interest in pirates resulted in a floating menagerie of pirate animals. Isa's eyes sparkled as she asked them questions about the different creatures. They were so distracted that I don't think Noah even noticed that I had gotten him to eat a whole bowl of salad.

Once plates were cleared, the boys asked to go play more. It had been an early dinner, so there was still time. Just before they ran back to the room, Noah paused and asked, "Do you want to come play with us?"

I was about to say yes when Isa answered, "No thank you, Noah. Your Daddy and I are going to play out here."

"Oh," he said thoughtfully. "What will you play?"

Smiling coyly at me, Isa said, "We're going to play house."

"What's house?" Noah asked, wrinkling his brow in confusion.

Jax spoke up with obvious disdain. "House is boring. Some of the girls at school play house. It's where you pretend to be a Mommy and a Daddy. They use dolls and pretend they're babies."

"Oh," said Noah, looking up at me with confusion. "Do you like playing house, Daddy?"

Acting like I was thinking seriously about it, I answered, "With the right friend, it can be very fun."

"But we don't have any dolls," Noah pointed out. "What will you use for a baby?"

"I guess we'll have to make one," Isa chirped. My eyes shot open at that remark.

Seeming content with that answer, Noah bounded off, saying to Jax, "Miss Isabella is fun."

"Who's Miss Isabella?" Jax asked as they disappeared.

As soon as the boys were out of sight, Isa started laughing. She turned to me and said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. The look on your face...Oh my God...that was priceless..." she was trying to stop laughing but having a hard time of it. Then she quickly stopped, and looked very seriously at me. "Just to be clear, we're not having sex. I mean...not right now, at least. I just..." then she started laughing again, and I joined her. She said, "It was too good an opportunity, I couldn't resist."

Once we had composed ourselves, I started boiling water for tea. We sat at the kitchen table, waiting for the water to boil, and I said, "Hey, you never told me what's got you worried."

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm always worried about Jax and about work and about the future and now about you and what you think of me...it's nothing in particular."

"Well, if you just want to talk, I'm happy to listen," I offered.

"I've noticed that," she said. "But I've been running my mouth a lot today, I don't want to keep talking." She then asked me a few questions, getting me to fill in some of the details about Carrie and about our life since she died. I tried not to make it a downer, but it's hard to sugarcoat that kind of story. Just then, the teapot whistled and we made our drinks. Retiring to the living room, we sat on the couch again. We sipped in silence for a few minutes. Then Isa said, "Is it too cliché to comment that it's too quiet back there?" 

I gave her a knowing look, then hollered, "Noah, what are you guys doing?"

"We're drawing on the wall!" Jax shouted back.

Isa's eyes went wide in fear, which made me chuckle. "It's OK," I said. "One wall is a giant chalkboard. They can draw all they want and just erase it later."

Isa nodded, impressed. The chalkboard wall was one of my favorite sanity savers. What kid doesn't want to scribble all over a wall? Or what grown-up, for that matter?

After another minute or two of peaceful sipping, Isa said, "So...you wanna make out?" If she hadn't timed her question to perfectly coincide with a sip I was taking, I may have given a better response. Instead, I coughed my tea back into the mug, consequently splashing some into my eyes. Isa smiled and picked up a napkin. Moving closer to me, she wiped my face, then kept moving closer until our lips were touching.

We fell into a natural, comfortable, slow kiss. We both blindly stretched our arms towards the coffee table, trying to find a home for our mugs. Once our teas were safely out of the way, Isa moved closer, getting halfway on my lap as our hands cautiously explored arms and sides and backs and necks. I put one hand around the back of her head, cradling her head and moving it slightly into a better angle. Isa gave little moans into my mouth and sighed through her nose.

I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy the sensations. I also wanted to keep my eyes open and enjoy the glimpses of her eyes, her cheeks, her hair. Her tongue reached through our kiss and tapped mine. I pushed back and our kiss found new urgency. Her lust matched my own, and the frantic pushing of face against face warned me that my lips would be tender in the morning. Isa tugged at the bottom of my shirt, lifting it just slightly, then moving her hand along my waist. The feel of her hand on my bare skin made my already straining cock ache with the desire to carry this act to its natural conclusion.

Feeling the urge grow stronger, I started to be afraid that I wouldn't be able to control it. I reluctantly took hold of her wrist and pulled it off my side. Isa pulled her mouth back and looked at me questioningly. I smiled to reassure her. "What time do you need to leave?" I asked. Part of me hoped she would say, "Never," or at least, "In the morning." I didn't know if I'd be OK with that yet, I still had to consider Noah and preparing him for this, but my hormones were trying to overrule good sense.

Isa looked over at the clock and sighed. "Soon," she said. "Let me help with dishes first." She got off of me and off the couch, holding out a hand to help me up. 

"Dishes are fine," I said, "I'll get them later."

She nodded, then yelled, "Jackson, two more minutes, OK?"

"OK!" came the muffled response.

I decided two minutes was enough for an important question. "Is this inappropriate?" I asked. "I mean, you're his teacher. Is there a...conflict of interest, or something?"

"Don't worry about it," she said, moving close and putting her hands on my chest. "I won't treat Noah any differently than I treat the other kids."

That answer didn't totally satisfy me...I was wondering if there was a policy to worry about, or...

"Or maybe we should just back off for the rest of the year. Is that what you want?" she asked with a fake pout.

In answer, I grabbed her waist and pulled her into an embrace. After one more gentle kiss, we backed up and went down the hall to drag the boys away from their play. Isa and Jax got their shoes on and I opened the door. 

"See you...?" I asked, not sure what to expect.

"I'm working tomorrow evening," she said apologetically, "but why don't you guys come to our place the next day?"

Noah loved the idea of going to his teacher's house, and I was pretty happy with that idea, too.

 

******* 

 

The next few weeks were a happy but frustrating repeat of that first time. We met either at my house or at her apartment sometime in the afternoon three or four days a week. The boys played together while Isa and I talked and made dinner. We all ate together, then the boys played some more while Isa and I talked or made out. Sometimes one or both of us would go back and play with the boys. It was an unspoken agreement that we should intentionally build those relationships just as much as the one between Isa and me. 

As the weather got nicer, we started going on outings together- a Saturday at the playground or an afternoon at the children's museum. We never did any overnights, both of us agreeing that it would be too confusing for the boys, and probably well over the line of impropriety that we were already dancing around. And we never got any time together with just the two of us.

All the same, we started to feel like a little family coming together. I didn't have time to worry about opening up my heart to Isa, because she was too busy filling it up. Isa and I had talked so much about our histories and we began discussing the future, making no secret about our interest in each other. Neither of us wanted to play around at dating, so if this wasn't headed towards marriage, it was a waste of time.

"So what do we need to get there...to marriage?" I asked one evening, as the boys ran around in my backyard.

"I don't know," she said, a little sadly. "I feel like I'm assuming it now, as long as nothing happens to derail that."

"Like what?"

"I don't know...like sudden revelations about a secret past, or you losing interest, or...I don't know. We haven't even met each others' families yet."

"You're right," I said, opening my laptop. A few seconds later, my dad's face came on the screen. "Hey dad, go get mom, OK?"

"What are you doing?!" Isa frantically whispered at me, quickly checking her appearance in the hall mirror.

"Hey Brian, how are you?" my mom's voice asked sweetly. She had on her apron and I could see some flour on her face.

"I'm good, mom, thanks. Hey, I just wanted you to meet Isa."

"Well it's about damn time," I heard my dad mutter in the background.

Isa came over next to me and kicked my shin under the table. "Hi..." she said sweetly to the screen.

"Oh my, Brian, you weren't kidding," my mom said. "She's absolutely gorgeous! Did you propose yet?"

"Not yet, mom. But we're talking about it. She wanted to meet you guys first."

"Oh, well that's sweet. We've heard so much about you, dear. You've totally stolen his heart. We're so happy. We can't wait to come see you all...maybe next month?" Isa was blushing and flustered. Fortunately for her, Noah had heard his grandma's voice and came running out to the table. Jax was right behind, and the two of them popped their heads in front of Isa. 

"Hey grandpa! Hey grandma!" shouted Noah. 

"Hey buddy!" my dad said, then, "And you must be Jax. ARRRR, Matey!"

Jax held up his hand like a hook, squinted an eye and yelled , "ARRRRR!"

The boys went on and on for a few minutes, excitedly telling stories to my parents. Isa slipped out of the picture and stood next to me in the background. She wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my chest as we both watched the boys talk animatedly at the screen. After a few minutes, the boys ran away and I sat down. Saying good-bye to my dad and promising to call again soon, I closed the computer. Isa sat on my lap and said, "That was mean. I wasn't ready for that!"

"You didn't need to be ready- it's my parents. They love you because I love you. They think we're taking too long to get on with it, and I'm starting to agree. When I think about marrying you, I've got a thousand reasons to say yes and not a single reason to say no."

She sighed and looked away. "You're right. I feel the same way...I'm just scared."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just touched her cheek and said, "OK. Wanna talk about it?" 

She sighed and looked sadly up at me. "I just...am scared that you don't feel about me what I feel about you."

"Isa! I...I love you. I'm sorry if I haven't made that clear..."

"No, I understand that, but...I've never been in love...not like this. I had boyfriends in college, but we always knew it was just partly lust, partly infatuation. There was never any future in it. So this is all so new and exciting and scary for me. I love you in a way that feels so unique- like no one could ever make me feel this way, ever again. And...you've been married before. You had that with Carrie- you had a child together. There will always be pictures of her on the walls of your home..."

I opened my mouth to explain or interrupt or...something. But Isa held up a hand and stopped me. "No, it's OK. It should be that way, I don't want her memory gone- for Noah or for you. But...I don't want to be just a substitute." My eyebrows went up as she picked up on the very term I had been thinking about. "Like at school- everyone knows I'm not the real teacher, I'm just filling in. Short time or long, they're not my class. And I guess I'm scared that all I can ever be to you and Noah is just that...a substitute. And maybe that's OK, maybe it's alright if you love me in a different way than I love you. I don't know." 

I was blinking, trying to compose myself. I led us to the couch to sit down. "I'm sorry," she said, seeing my reaction. "I didn't want to bring up painful memories, but we need to have this conversation at some point."

"I'm not upset about that," I said. "What upsets me is how sad I am that you feel that way. I don't know how to explain it, babe. Carrie's gone. I loved her so completely, but she's gone, and I'm not trying to replace her. I don't love her as my wife, I love her as a treasured part of my past. But my present, and my future...that's all you...and Jax...and Noah...You don't have to compete with my late wife for my affection, no more than you need to compete with Noah. I love him as my son...I love you as...as you, as my girlfriend, as the second chance I didn't think I'd ever get, as a sexy woman that I can't get enough of. You're not a substitute, Isa. You're the real deal- first place in my heart." It wasn't perfect, but it was the best I could do to explain my feelings in the moment.

She thought for a moment, then smiled and gave me one of those looks that just melted me. Resting her forearms on my shoulders, she rubbed her fingers on the back of my neck and changed the subject, asking, "So what are you doing tomorrow morning while Noah's at school?"

I shrugged and said, "Working, same as you, I guess. I just finished a project, so I need to get started finding my next client."

She gave me a curious look and said, "You haven't looked in Noah's bag yet, have you."

"No, I usually check after he goes to sleep."

Isa gave me a wicked smile and said, "There's a letter in there from the school. Mrs. Campbell is doing much better and is coming back tomorrow." My eyes widened in surprise. I had almost forgotten about poor Mrs. Campbell. "Sooo..." Isa went on, "I won't be working in the morning." She wiggled her hips a bit on my lap. "And I was thinking that, if you didn't have any work that had to be done tomorrow..." she wrapped her arms tighter around me and put her lips right in front of mine, "maybe I could come over and we could spend some time together without the boys."




More than a Substitute



I closed my eyes and smiled.

 

******* 

 

I saw Isa in the lobby of the school as I dropped Noah off. She was chatting with some women at the front desk, having already sent Jax into his class. I milled around for a minute, easily fitting in among the crowd of parents dropping off kids. At some point, Isa caught sight of me, said good-bye to the ladies at the desk, and headed my way. We walked out together, and as we headed towards the parking lot, I asked, "Any point in both of us driving?"

"Nope," she said with a grin, taking my hand in hers and skipping a little.

She had on a short blue sundress, even though it was only a mildly warm day in early spring. I could see through the loose collar that she wasn't wearing a bra, either. Isa didn't have enough of a chest to have cleavage, but the small curves that disappeared into her dress looked plenty tempting. "Aren't you cold?" I asked. 

"A little," she answered. Then after a quick glance around us, she said, "I wanted something that could be removed quickly."

If there had been any question in my mind about our plans for that morning, they were now answered.

"I'm right here," I said, indicating my car. We drove to my place, the car filled with nervous excitement. We walked into my house and as I put up my keys I said, "So...want me to get out some cards or something? Watch TV? Make a cake?" I was laughing by the end, because Isa was pushing me insistently towards the couch. Knocking me onto my back, she crawled on top of me and started kissing me with a vengeance. After a few seconds, she pulled her mouth away and said in a lusty voice, "I wanna play house."

Then straightening up while straddling me, she grabbed the bottom of her dress and pulled the whole thing off. I only got a glimpse of her form, naked except for her bright blue panties, before she dropped back down onto me. As she tried to resume kissing, I whispered in her ear, "Curtains."

Isa pushed herself up a bit to look at me. I nodded to the window and said, "Curtains." They were wide open, revealing an empty suburban street. Isa shrieked and hopped off me. She ran back to my bedroom, wearing only her panties. Laughing, I closed the curtains and followed her.

I got back to the room and she was on my bed, hiding under the covers. 

"I can't believe that happened," came her muffled voice from beneath a pile of blankets. "I'm so embarrassed. I thought I was being all sexy and powerful and then...AAAHH!"

I grabbed the blankets and peeled them back, one at a time. When only a sheet was between us, I pulled off my shirt, then pulled the sheet away. Isa gripped the sheet and wouldn't let it go. She was laughing and trying to curl up in a ball. I stood up, removed my pants, and got under the sheet with her.

"Is that better?" I asked. 

She uncurled her body and rolled on top of me. "Much better." she said. "I can't believe that happened."

"No one saw anything," I assured her.

"But they could have," she insisted. I wasn't sure that made sense, but it wasn't worth arguing. Besides, I had another issue to bring up.

"Hey, I think I just had my first chance at admiring your body snatched away from me. Let me have another look."

"Nooo, I lost the moment. Don't look yet. Just feel, OK?" She rubbed her hands along my sides to make her point. I did the same, but said, "Do you know how long I've been wanting to see you naked?"

Isa gave a frustrated sigh. "It's nothing special, Brian. Just...look another time. It's embarrassing." I started to think that she had some body image issues, which Carrie once told me almost every woman struggles with. Looking at Isa, just as with Carrie, I was baffled that she didn't understand how insanely beautiful she was. 

"Fine," I said with an exaggerated sigh. Then rolling her onto her back, I started moving down further under the covers. "If you won't let me look at your body, I'll just have to explore it in other ways." I kissed my way down her torso, stopping to pay extra attention to the small mounds resting lightly on her chest. I listened carefully to her breathing, wanting to respond to anything that seemed to be particularly enjoyable for her. 

Moving further down, I kissed my way along her waist, then went down her hips, intentionally avoiding coming close to her pussy. Isa whimpered and tried to turn her hips a little. I ignored her and kissed all the way down her thighs, pausing at her knees. 

"Want a foot rub?" I asked, my head still under the sheet.

"What?"

"Do...you...want...a...foot rub?" I said slowly.

"Nooo," she answered softly, moaning a little.

"Then take off the sheet and let me see you."

"No," she said, gripping the sheet.

"Suit yourself," I teased, rubbing my hands down her calves and to her feet.

"Arrrrggghhh!" she growled, tossing the sheet to the side and crossing her arms over her breasts. "Happy?" she asked, obviously frustrated.

I raised myself up on my knees, straddled her thighs, and looked down at her perfect form. Taking her wrists in my hands, I gently but firmly uncrossed her arms and put her hands by her sides. Running my eyes up and down her body, my insides tightened up with excitement. Her freckles ran from her shoulders down to the top of her breasts. Her nipples were small and hardened points at the top of two small, kissable breasts. She had stretchmarks along her sides, badges of honor from her pregnancy. 

"Very happy," I said. "Very, very happy." Isa rolled her eyes but couldn't stop a smile from forming. I slowly put my fingers inside her waistband and pulled her panties down. Isa lifted her hips, giving me the freedom to fully expose her. Her thin hair was neatly trimmed along her bikini line, and her hands instinctively went to cover herself as I pulled the panties off her legs. 

I moved her towards the edge of the bed and knelt on the floor. Removing her hands from her mound, I placed them on my head, allowing her to pull me closer to her. I gave her slit one gentle kiss, then breathed in her aroma. Isa sighed and closed her legs slightly.

"You're a bit of an enigma," I said to her, giving a slow lick along her folds as she groaned for me to explain.

"Sometimes you are so sexually assertive and so clearly want to be with me," I said, then slowly licked the length of her slit again. "But then in the blink of an eye you are acting shy and uncertain." I gave three little kisses up her slit, stopping just below her clit. Isa's hips slowly began rocking. 

"I want this...I do," she said very softly. "But it's been a long time. Not since...since that beach trip, when I got pregnant with Jax."

When she paused to take a breath, I started steadily licking her slit, gradually working the tip of my tongue between her lips. Isa pushed her hips up at me and moaned.

"And I know...I don't have the kind of body you're used to...the kind your wife had. I've seen the pictures- she was so full and beautiful. She just looks...womanly. And I know it's hard not to be making comparisons in your head. I don't...I don't blame you for that."

My heart hurt as I took in those words. I didn't want to stop what I was doing, trying to bring her pleasure, so I wrapped my lips around her clit and sucked gently one time. That elicited a nice gasp and a gentle cry as she pulled my head towards her. 

"You're right..." I said, then circled her clit with my tongue. "...about one thing. You're body is very different from my late wife's." A series of hard, firm licks up and down her folds, then pressing my finger through to her entrance, and Isa was close to the edge of cumming.

"But you're wrong to think that there's something wrong about that." I kissed her clit. I kissed her slit. I ran my finger just inside her folds, then slowly worked it past her entrance.

"I didn't love and marry Carrie because of her body. I loved her body because it belonged to her."

Isa groaned as I moved my finger slowly around inside her. Her hips began pushing against my hand, moving my finger in and out a little. I wondered if she even heard what I was saying. I hoped she was listening. I just wanted her to know how much she was loved and how beautiful she was.

"And I love your body...I love it very very much...It's sexy, it's beautiful, it's desirable..." I paused to press my tongue against her clit, causing her breath to become raspy. "but part of what makes your body so beautiful, is that it belongs to you, the woman I love." Isa's hips were jerking towards me, and my tongue went back to her clit, pressing hard, then pulling back for a gentle rub. Isa pulled my head hard into her, forcing my mouth back on her clit. I kissed and tongued it until I was rewarded with a breathy, unmistakably happy cry.

Oh! OHH yeah! OOOHHH God! Yeah! Yeah!

Isa clenched her legs together, pressing my head between them. I felt her entrance contracting around my finger. She breathed loud, hissing breaths that reminded me of birth preparation classes I had attended. As she writhed and moaned, Isa rubbed one hand through my hair, ensuring I would look completely disheveled. With one long, less constricting squeeze of her shaking legs, she held my head and then relaxed. I slowly pulled my finger out, gave it a quick lick, then rose to my feet, my knees cracking to complain of the position they had been put in.

"Help me up," Isa said, extending her arms to me. I pulled her into a standing position and she said, "I need to pee." She trotted off to the bathroom, and I hollered, "Want something to drink?"

I thought I heard a "Yes please!" as I opened the fridge. I poured some iced tea for each of us, then quickly washed my mouth and hands at the kitchen sink. Bringing the drinks back and putting them on the nightstand, I crawled onto the bed. Isa was just coming back in the room, looking a little shy, but still glowing. She stood next to the bed and drank a full glass of tea, giving me the chance to admire her naked body. My long-denied cock was ready to receive some attention.

Putting her glass down, Isa crawled over me and pressed her lips to mine, playfully forcing an ice cube to pass from her mouth into mine. I crunched on it and swallowed it down. We kissed for a few moments, then she pulled back and said, "You washed up?"

I nodded and she said, "Good. I like that." Then she collapsed on top of me, wrapping her arms around my back and kissing urgently. After another minute, she rolled off of me and onto her back, next to me. "I can't begin to tell you how good I feel right now," she sighed. "It has been...so long. And...what you said..." She turned abruptly to face me and said, "Please don't just say things like that, OK? Because if you say them and don't mean them, it's going to hurt a lot more than if you are just honest about what you think. So now's you're chance. Be honest...you really don't mind my body? You don't think I'm too small or not curvy enough?"

"Don't mind? Are you kidding me? Do you know how much guilt I felt those first few months after I met you? I thought I was lusting after another man's wife! I was imagining you in my fantasies...I was wanting your body. You are beautiful! Am I going to have to tell you that every day?"

She rolled onto me with a smile, resting her head on my chest, and said, "Just keep telling me and telling me and telling me, even if I don't believe it." We stayed like that for a few minutes, her body rising and falling on my chest to the cadence of my breathing. I was still very aroused and ready for action, but she seemed so content and peaceful there. I wrapped my arms around her lithe body, resting my hands on her naked back.

Finally, my lust got the better of me, and I said, "Isa? Are you about ready for more?"

Her body started shaking on top of me- she was laughing! Lifting her head, she looked at me with playful eyes and said, "I was curious how long you'd wait before saying something. Six minutes is pretty impressive!" As she said that, she was backing away from me, moving towards my crotch. She pulled my boxer briefs down, releasing my throbbing tool. With only a quick, sexy look up at me, she turned her attention to my need. Taking my shaft in her small hands, she slowly eased her mouth over me. Once the whole head was inside, she slowly pulled up, leaving just the tip in her lips. Then she abruptly pushed her mouth down, taking almost half my length into her mouth. 

Using her hands and her mouth, she worked my cock slowly...agonizingly slowly. Maybe she thought my groans were pleasure, but most of them were frustration...aching need...the desire to release. I had been hard since we walked to my car over an hour earlier. I had been hard when we were kissing on the couch. The whole time I was covering her pussy with kisses, my cock ached to be inside her. Even as we talked and as she rested on top of me, I felt the urge to pull her onto me- it would only have taken a few simple motions.

The morning had been one extended session of foreplay for me. So when Isa removed one hand and took me even deeper in her mouth, I had to warn her, "Soon." 

Playful was one thing, but sometimes Isa was downright cruel. Knowing I was close, she slowed down. Removing her hand, she pulled her mouth up and left me hanging for a few seconds. Then with just her mouth, she went down over me again, ever so slowly. Another lift off, another slow descent. Despite having no past inclination towards rough sex, I was almost ready to grab her head and force her to finish me off with her mouth.

"Issssaaaa..." I groaned.

She pulled her head up and said in a casual voice, "Would you like a foot rub?" She laughed as I growled in frustration. "I'll take that as a no," she said. Then with skill I had never personally experienced before, she put her mouth tight around me and pushed down....down....down. She had almost my whole length in her mouth before she pulled up and hissed in a breath through her nose. Putting her fingers in a circle on my shaft, she repeated that heavenly action- taking me almost the whole way down. With her fingers there, it felt like I was fully encased in her warmth. 

"oooohhhhhhGOD! Isa, I'm so close," I said.

She pushed down again...and again... faster!... again... squeezing... sucking... again... faster! And with a groan and a shout I pushed my hips up, meeting her on a downstroke. I released two years of chastity, eighteen months of loneliness, four months of desire, and an hour of intense build-up into her beautiful mouth. Isa moved up and down again, milking my cum out of me as it released in heavy, intense pulses. She pulled up enough to swallow before going down again, continuing to urge my load into her welcoming mouth.

I closed my eyes and rested a hand on her soft shoulder. I was gasping for breath and trembling slightly. With what little awareness I had, I tugged Isa up towards me. She found her place next to me, curled up under my arm, her head on my chest. I managed to get a sheet over us, trusting our body warmth to do the rest. Isa looked up at me with big, happy eyes, and I squeezed her. I found her mouth with mine and kissed her gently. She put her head back on my chest, and we drifted off to sleep.

 

******* 

 

I was a little disoriented when I woke up. It was daytime...I was naked...something on my chest...a woman in my arms... It started coming back to me. I smiled and felt a stirring of desire between my legs. Isa was still asleep, her head on my chest. She had given me the most amazing blowjob I had ever experienced, and now she was drooling on my chest as she slept. It felt so wonderfully...domestic. 

It took me a minute to realize that something was missing- the noise of children. The boys were still at school, and I had no idea what time it was. I couldn't maneuver to see the clock without waking Isa up. I shook her gently, and she lifted her head. She wiped her mouth, and shrugged. I turned to see the clock- only 11am, we still had a few hours. Isa had rolled onto her front and was laying face down on the bed. I avoided looking at her, though, because I needed to pee and didn't want anything complicating that process. Once I was back from the bathroom, however, I let my eyes...and hands...wander all over her back, ass, and legs. Isa moaned with approval.

"What time is it?" she mumbled into the pillow.

"Eleven," I replied. "What are you thinking for the next couple of hours?"

She rolled onto her side, squinting as she looked up at me, and stretched. Once she was relaxed again, she said, "I'm thinking we should go out to lunch, just the two of us." 

I was a little disappointed, having hoped we could spend more time in bed, but a quiet lunch with Isa sounded pretty good, too.

"And Brian...can we swing by my place first and let me get some more clothes?"

******* 

 

Lunch was nice. It had been a while since I had been out to eat without Noah or without it being about work. We talked. We joked. We managed to get through a whole meal without needing to clean up a spill or apologize to the next table. I wondered what life would have been like if Isa and I had gotten together without kids- in some parallel reality. She was a very fun woman, and I really liked being with her. She had this way of making me laugh over totally unexpected things.

We went from lunch straight to the school and picked up the boys. Isa had to work that evening, so we wouldn't be seeing them again that day. I convinced myself that I could take another morning off, though, and a text to Isa confirmed that she would be available, too.

The next morning, after another very satisfying round of oral sex at her place, Isa and I were curled up together on her bed. She sighed and said, "Sooo...I'm guessing you would like to have sex at some point, too?"

"You...don't?" I asked, pretty sure that wasn't the case.

She smacked my chest lightly for that. "No, silly, I definitely do. I keep getting scared about it, but I really do want to. Like I told you before, it's been since before Jax was born- over five years- so I am very eager to rediscover sex. But I still need a few more weeks for my birth control to take effect, and I'm really not wanting any more surprises."

"Condoms?"

"Don't trust 'em. Jax's existence reminds me of that."

I grinned. "Yeah, but that turned out pretty good in the end, didn't it?"

"It did, but it wasn't an easy road to get to the good part. I almost gave up."

"Gave up?"

Isa wiggled next to me. Her voice got sad. "Yeah, I got convinced that it wasn't worth risking my whole future just to have a baby. And I totally understand why someone would make that choice- it's like you're looking down two paths your life can follow, and you think it's all so obvious and clear how each path will turn out. Either you'll be just like all your friends- pursuing your career with all the happiness you can grab, having kids if and when you feel ready, or else you'll be a bitter, resentful single parent living off welfare."

"I can't imagine being in that position, looking at those options."

"And being just a young thing at the start of your life when you're making that choice..." she said wistfully.

"Oh, because you're so old now, right?" Another smack to the chest.

"I'm serious, Brian. Five years raising a kid will really make you grow up fast."

"I know, babe, I know. What made you change your mind?"

She turned her body a little towards me and draped her leg across my crotch. The smoothness of her thigh felt good. "I talked to some people who gave me a different perspective...who gave me some options...who painted a picture of another path that I hadn't considered."

"And? What was that path like?"




More than a Substitute



"Well, it was a lot like this. Working hard, good days and bad days, loving my son like the treasure he is..."

"And someday seducing the father of one of his classmates, convincing him to marry you." A third smack to the chest, much harder this time.

"You keep talking about marriage, but I don't see a ring."

I smiled and pulled her closer to me. "Soon, baby. Soon." 

 

******* 

 

As we dressed to go get lunch before picking up the boys, I said, "Isa, there's something I need to tell you. It...might be important."

"Is this where you reveal your secret past?" she said playfully.

"Kind of. I wasn't sure when to bring this up, but since you mentioned sex and birth control...I guess it can't wait any more."

I had her attention. She pulled a shirt over her head and stepped closer to me, a slightly worried look on her face.

"So...Noah was...a problematic pregnancy. The birth just about killed Carrie, literally. There wasn't any long-term damage, but it took a few weeks of bed rest just to get her up and around again." Isa watched me with a sympathetic expression. "Afterwards, the doctor said that another pregnancy would probably be just as bad. We couldn't imagine putting her body through that again, so...I got snipped. It just seemed to make the most sense. It was only a year later that we found out about the cancer..." I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. "We had been planning to adopt, but once the cancer hit, none of that mattered. So I guess what I'm telling you is that you can probably not worry about birth control."

I wasn't sure what to expect. I was worried she was really hoping to have more kids. I was worried I was majorly disappointing her. I was worried I was crushing a dream. Her eyes went wide for a second, then she said, "Thank GOD! You are saving me a lot of trouble and money." 

"Really? You're...not bothered by this?"

She shrugged. "I'm a little surprised, to be honest, but...it's not like I'm only interested in you for your sperm. Two boys is plenty for now. And if we want more someday, I've got a friend who will be eager to help us get the adoption process rolling." Then smacking me playfully on the shoulder a few times, she said, "But why didn't you tell me sooner?" 

"Wow...that's...way less drama than I expected."

"Oh, that reminds me," she said, slipping on her shoes. "Mind if I make a phone call while we're in the car? I need to touch base with someone."

 

******* 

 

I drove us to a sandwich shop that I used to frequent when I was single. It wasn't fancy, but the meat and veggies were so fresh, and the bread was made on site. Noah didn't really like sandwiches, so I didn't get there often anymore. But as we drove, my mouth started watering, and I planned my sandwich. Meanwhile, Isa was on the phone, and I was trying to make sense of the half of the conversation I could hear:

"Hey!...yeah, he renewed for another three months, but on his dime, not yours...no, nothing new...you know I'm only cleaning his place once a week, right?...yes, your recliner is still there. Do you want me to have Brian go pick it up or something?...OK, your call...."

Isa looked over at me and winked, then laughed at something her friend had said. "No, no, no. He's been a perfect gentleman...yes, really...no one that I've seen...he hasn't said anything, but I think he knows you're using me to spy on him...good days and bad days, I think...a little mopey, but not bad..."

Then there was a long pause while her friend talked, then Isa said, "Look, babe, I don't know what your deal is with this guy, but you need to just get over it. It's obvious you love him and he's clearly missing you. I don't understand why you won't...I know, I know, it's complicated, you've said that a hundred times...listen, I gotta go...yeah, we're going to lunch right now...yeah, plenty of news in that department, but it'll have to wait...no, not yet, but soon...no, not that either...you'll be the first to know...OK, I will. Love you too, babe...bye."

She looked over at me after hanging up. Shaking her head and smiling, she said, "I think I like having someone in my life who has crazier issues than I do. It's nice to feel like the sane one now and then."

"Should I tell your friend you think she's crazy?"

"I said she has crazy issues, not that she's crazy. But heck, when you meet her, I'll introduce you to her that way- my friend with crazy issues. You have to be nice, though, because if we do adopt some day, she's our go-to girl."

Later, as we pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards the school, Isa said, "So Jax is turning five next week. We're having a party on Friday- it's a sleepover party. Do you think Noah can come?"

"By himself?"

"Nooo...I was hoping you could help me keep an eye on the boys that night."

I figured that a slumber party of kindergarten-aged boys probably wouldn't be the right context for Isa and I to do anything other than sleep in the same bed, but it would still be nice. And Noah would love the party...

"Sure. We'll be there."

"It's pirate-themed, of course."

"I'll bring my best pirate pajamas," I joked.

She laughed and said, "I might make you take them off."

Smiling, I sighed and said, "You know, as much as I hate to say this, I really need to be working the rest of the week. No more morning trysts for a few days."

"I know," she said dejectedly. "I have to put my name back on the sub list at school, anyway. Working every day for a few months straight was really good for my budget, but it's not like I can coast for the rest of the school year."

"Well, we'll find some time, somehow," I promised.

"Count on it," she said with a wink.

 

******* 

 

We didn't find time the rest of the week. The four of us met at a park on Saturday afternoon, but our work schedules conflicted so much over the following week that it was Jax's birthday party before we had more time together. 

Noah and I arrived early so we could help set up. Isa took our bags back to her bedroom, then put us to work. (OK, she put me to work. Noah played with Jax.) As the other kids arrived, I started to notice that none of them had overnight bags. I pointed it out to Isa when we were in the kitchen refilling drinks, and she said, "Oops! Did I forget to tell everyone else about the sleepover? Silly me. Guess it'll just be us, tonight." As I stood there a little stunned, she reached up and gave me a deep, promising kiss. I leaned against a countertop and watched her walk back out to the party, swaying her hips until she was in the other room.

There are two types of parents whose kids come to birthday parties- the ones who stick around and help manage the chaos and the ones who see the party as free babysitting and just disappear after they drop their kids off. I make sure I give their kids extra sugar at the end. Fortunately, we had more of the former than the latter, so the party went pretty smoothly. It ended in the late afternoon, and the last guest left at 4:30. I cleaned up while Isa made some dinner. The boys were having a blast playing with Jax's new toys, but I was eager for Jax and Isa to open our gifts to them.

After dinner, I went to my car and brought two small boxes inside. Jax opened his, and his disappointment was obvious, at first. 

"A picture?" he said with disgust.

"What's it a picture of?" I prompted him, holding back Noah, who was bursting to give away the surprise.

"It's a pirate ship," he said, not getting it yet.

"It's a pirate ship playhouse with a slide and a fort and a telescope...and it's for you," I said. 

Jax seemed to get it, then ran to the window to look outside. "Where is it?" he asked with excitement. Isa looked at me curiously, taking the picture from Jax. When she saw that the picture was taken in my back yard, she smiled.

"It's in our yard!" screamed Noah, breaking from my grip and running to Jax. "Daddy says I can't play on it yet- it's yours so you get to play on it first."

"COOL! Can we go right now?" Jax yelled, finally understanding.

"How about first thing tomorrow? It's getting dark right now," Isa suggested. Then looking at me she said, "You know this is going to be torture for him- waiting all night?"

"Nah, he's got a lot of new stuff, he'll get distracted." Sure enough, the boys were already running back to Jax's room. I heard Noah telling Jax, "And we got bunk beds, too!"

"Bunk beds?" Isa said, raising her eyebrow.

"In case you want to stay the night. I figure you can sleep in Noah's room," I teased.

"Ohhh...Too bad I don't have bunk beds. You'll just have to take the couch tonight," she responded smugly.

"If you insist," I said casually. "But first, you should open your present."

"The one in skull and crossbones wrapping paper?" she asked.

"Sorry- my options were limited."

Smiling, she opened the paper to reveal, no surprise, a small jewelry box. Just as she started to open it, she paused, looked at me and said, "If this is a picture of a ring, you are definitely sleeping in the boys' room tonight."

"Open the damn box," I laughed.

Isa sighed and smiled, holding the box up to look closely at the small diamond ring. "I don't want to assume anything," I said, "So I'm still going to ask you." I got on one knee, then winced and cursed, finding I had knelt down on a Lego one of the boys had dropped. Isa laughed sympathetically as I tossed the toy aside. I took her hand, and asked her to marry me. She pulled me up and onto her, falling back into the chair and kissing me.

The boys ran past, and Noah froze when he saw us kissing. Pulling up his eye patch, he asked, "Did you ask her to be my new mommy yet?"

Isa and I laughed, and she looked at Noah and said, "Yes." Then looking at me, she said, "And yes!"

"Woohoo!" the boys yelled, holding foam swords in the air and running back down the hall. Isa groaned lightly and said, "Is it bedtime yet?"

 

******* 

 

Bedtime couldn't arrive soon enough. The boys were pretty worked up from an exciting day, and they were eager to get to our house in the morning to try their new pirate ship. But we finally managed to get them to bed, after calling around to all the grandparents and letting the boys share our news. Once we were certain they were asleep, I was standing in the hall, looking in on them. Isa walked up, wrapping her arms around me.

"Does Noah usually sleep through the night?" she asked.

"Nine times out of ten," I said. "But he's never been at someone else's house before, so we'll see."

"Jax usually goes the whole night; he sleeps so soundly. But I put our old baby monitor in there, so if someone does wake up, we'll at least get a little warning before they get to us. My bedroom door doesn't lock."

"And why," I joked, "might we need some warning?" 

"Because if they see what I'm planning to do with you tonight, they might get traumatized."

My eyes went wide, not sure how serious she was about that. Isa giggled and said, "OK, that's probably an exaggeration. But I don't feel like explaining the birds and the bees to them just yet."

Then holding her hand out and looking at the ring I had recently put on her finger, she asked softly, "Was this her ring?" Then she quickly looked up, putting her hand on my chest, and said apologetically, "I mean...it's OK if it is. That doesn't bother me. I'm just curious."

I smiled, knowing she could keep talking and talking if she got nervous enough. "No," I answered softly, rubbing my hand slowly up and down her side as we stood in dim light of the hall. "I didn't want to do that, because you're not replacing her." Then looking very intentionally into her eyes, I added, "You're not a substitute."

That seemed to satisfy her, and I was rewarded with a happy sigh and a firm squeeze as her arms wrapped around to my back.

I placed a slow kiss on the top of her head, breathing in the faint scent of her shampoo, and said, "What do you say we go get buzzing and chirping?"

Isa pulled away from me and headed towards her room, saying, "I would say...that since I've got nothing on under this robe, you've got some catching up to do." As she said that, she disappeared into her bedroom. Before I could take a step in that direction, her robe flew out the bedroom door and onto the hallway floor. I glanced back at the sleeping boys, flipped off the hall light, and followed her into the room.

 

******* 

I walked in the room and closed the door behind me. I was surprised to see that, despite her boldness a moment ago, Isa was under the covers, holding the sheet all the way up to her nose. When I looked at her questioningly, she pulled the sheet down to her chin and and said quickly, "I got nervous," then pulled the sheet back up to her nose.

I took off my clothes as I walked towards the bed. Isa's eyes followed me the whole time. I climbed onto the bed, fully naked, and felt a little self-conscious about being so exposed. Isa lowered the sheet to her neck, and I could see her pleasant smile.

"That's it?" I asked. "I strip for you, and all I get to see is from the neck up?" Isa stuck her tongue out at me and pulled the sheet back up to her nose. I didn't want to press the issue- I knew how delicate this body-image issue could be for her. So instead of pulling the sheet away, I started running my hand all along her body, but not on her skin- on the sheet. It didn't feel very good- well, not as good as touching her skin would- but that was the point. I knew it wouldn't feel as good for her, either. 

When my hand reached her shoulder that was opposite to me, I gripped it firmly and rolled her over. The sheet rolled with her, wrapping her up. Isa giggled and said, "Hey!" I had her fully rolled up in the sheet, at my mercy. I lowered my face to hers and began gently touching her lips with mine. My hands resumed their motions all along her body, still only touching through the sheet. Isa started wiggling her body in frustration, trying to at least free her arms. "Shhhh..." I said, cradling her cheek with my hand. "New rule- if I can't see it, I don't touch it." Isa narrowed her eyes at me, but just then a cough came through the baby monitor. 

Startled, I turned to look at the monitor, listening to see if anyone was awake. Isa took advantage of my distraction and rolled away, disentangling herself from the sheet and pulling her arms out. "Ha!" she gloated. Satisfied that no one was awake, I moved closer to her. Isa held out both arms, turned up her nose and in a dignified voice said, "You may lavish your attention on my arms."

Smiling, I took hold of her hand and began kissing my way up to her shoulder. Isa exhaled and put her other arm around my head, rubbing her face in my hair. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you so much."

"You are so...so beautiful," I replied, trailing kisses from her shoulder to her neck, then up along her cheek to her nose. 

Isa laughed and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm kissing along the path of your freckles," I said.

"Ugh...that's embarrassing. They were cute when I was little, but now they just look..."

"Beautiful," I interrupted. "I want to kiss each and every one of them."

"You're weird," she said.

"Get used to it." While we were talking, I kissed back down the other side of her cheek and neck, then onto her upper chest. I slowly put my finger on the spot where the sheet met her breasts and gently tugged it down. Rolling her eyes up towards the ceiling, Isa let go of the sheet. It dropped into her lap, and I lost my restraint. I quickly wrapped an arm around her back and pushed her gently onto the bed, latching onto her breasts with my mouth. Isa gasped as I wrapped my lips around a whole breast, then slowly pulled back, teasing her nipple. My free hand moved from her breasts down to her abdomen, then around to her back.

I moved my mouth up to hers and she drove her lips to me in a hungry kiss. Her hands slid smoothly along my back and up to my shoulders. Her touch electrified me, urged me to kiss more passionately to touch more desperately. I paused a moment to catch my breath, and Isa murmured in my ear, "I'm ready, love. I'm very ready."

Lifting the sheet away from her body, I got underneath it. I put my legs between hers and settled gently on top of her. We both moaned at the sensation of skin touching skin...all the way down. We kissed again, moaning into each other's mouth as our senses were overwhelmed with pleasure. I moved my lips again to her chest, and she arched her back, pushing her breasts towards me with a gasp. 

As I moved back up, again face-to-face, I wiggled my hips, letting my tip find that most warm and welcoming spot. Finding the right area, I reached my hand down to grip my shaft. I moved my tip up and down inside her folds, spreading her wetness around to ease my entry. Satisfied that I was firmly set at her entrance, I ran my hand along her waist and around to her back.

"OK?" I asked softly. Eyes closed, breathing deep, Isa nodded, "Mm-hmm."

I took a deep breath and pushed forward. Sex had been impossible during the last six months of Carrie's life, so it had been two years since I had felt the heart-racing pleasure of a woman's walls yielding to my entry. Isa was indeed ready. Though tight around my shaft, her passage was wet with arousal, allowing me to push halfway in on one stroke.

"Ohhhhh..." she gasped, her voice fading away to a whisper. 

"Wow," I whispered back.

"More," she whimpered, our conversation reduced to single words as we both dealt with the deluge of sensations and emotions. She is going to be my wife, I thought, pausing to appreciate the moment. This is our first union, our first time of many that will follow. This woman isn't just giving me her body, she's giving me everything!

"Wishing you'd proposed sooner?" she asked, gently touching my cheek with her hand.

I half-smiled, not able to fully take my mind off the perfect feeling of being inside her. I pulled out just a bit, then pushed again, sinking fully inside her. Isa groaned, putting her other hand on my other cheek, then pulling my face down into a soft kiss.

"Maybe," I answered. "But not really- the timing felt right."

"You weren't sure?"

I breathed out a small laugh. "Baby, do you know how long I've been holding on to that ring with you in mind?" I asked, my eyes glancing at her hand that was moving from my cheek to my chest.

"Tell me," she said, eyes aglow. 

"Since about a week after I found out that 'Mrs Abella'...didn't exist. Since I realized that there should be men lining up to spend time with you. Since I found out I didn't need to feel guilty about admiring your body as much as I was admiring your character and your personality and your skill."

"It took you a whole week? Damn, you're slow. But then, I had a head start, since I had been wanting to make out with you since the Christmas party."

"Did you even imagine back then that by Easter time we'd be doing this?" I asked, giving my first thrust since entering her. 

Isa grunted softly then started pushing up with her hips, encouraging me to continue thrusting into her. "If you'd been a little quicker on the uptake, maybe we could have spent Valentine's Day like this," she chided me.

"So much wasted time," I fake lamented. My slow pace wasn't easy to maintain, but talking helped distract me. Isa's eyes closed and her head turned as it moved up and down to the rhythm of our motions. 

"We did move fast, didn't we?" she pondered. "What's it been, six weeks?"

"About that," I said, starting to pant. The strain of holding myself above her was starting to make my arms quiver, and the sense of being close to cumming was making my whole system work faster.