10 comments/ 5218 views/ 14 favorites Love is Damn Hard By: deadeye_76 This story is one that I have had rolling around my head for a while. It's loosely based on a human interest story I read in a magazine. This guy, John, is a hopeless romantic who falls hard. It's also a romance, so while there is tragedy, there is some happiness in the end. ***** I thought I would write down how my life got to where it is now. Love is hard. Love is pain. Love is exquisite. Love is fulfilling. It's all those things and all the other two sides to all our emotions. This is my story and it hurts. No matter how good things can be, it still hurts. --- Four and a half years ago I stood there and stared, momentarily shocked at what I was seeing. My supposed girlfriend, Paige, was in the back of the bar where her baby sister Kate had told me she had gone, making out with a supposed friend, Tony. This was no chaste kiss. This was the spit-swapping kiss of lovers. They were making out in front of several other people, while their hands roamed freely over the other's body. I should have turned and immediately left, but I was rooted to the floor. I couldn't believe that these two were so blatant about it, doing it in front of six or seven other people who knew us all. I guess my early arrival was really going to be a surprise to them. The plan had been to return on Sunday, not today, Friday. My soon to be ex-friend had promised to come to the airport with my soon to be ex-girlfriend and pick me up. That must have given them something to chuckle about. Suddenly, one of the traitors surrounding the pool table looked over and saw me and poked the one next to him in the ribs. I noticed it and was going to bolt, but I was still in such shock and, to add pain to my current injury, was not fast using the cane that I had to support the leg where I had had surgery. I also couldn't take my eyes off what was happening. Had I really loved this girl? How could I have been so wrong about her? How could the bitch write me letters like nothing had changed between us while I was deployed? What kind of two-faced individual does it take to try to pull that off? In any case, all of these were going through my mind while the others spread the word that I had arrived. Finally, Paige and Tony, the traitorous couple, managed to rip their lips apart and turn to look at me. Then it got worse. Paige smiled and left his arms to come over to me even as I was deciding to turn and leave. She had the gall to come bounding over to me like a small excited child, her supposed glee in every bounce. I guess she didn't know I had been watching for a while. "Hey, baby, I thought you weren't coming home until Sunday." I stared at her and she stopped short as she finally managed to see the pain, hurt, and seething anger in my eyes. "Well, I'm sorry I spoiled your tonsil inspection of Tony. Fuck off and get away from me." She then had the sense not to touch me. She had been reaching out to put her hand on my arm, but I think she saw that she might lose it. "John, I need to explain what's going on." "I don't care what's going on and never will. You two can go back to your public display of spit-swapping." "John, please, that's rude." "Rude? You want to know what rude is? Rude is coming back early from a deployment where I got shot to see someone I loved and trusted kissing a friend I also trusted like they were long time lovers. Well, go back and have fun, you and I will not be seeing each other again." She realized that she had been discovered in a lie and seemed to sag. "Sorry, John." She didn't say anything else as I glared at her, wishing that she would spontaneously combust. I mocked her. "That's all you have to say? 'Sorry, John?' You sound like a little kid caught taking one of your mother's cookies off the baking sheet, not a cheating slut that got caught by her supposed boyfriend making out with one of his friends. That's pathetic." I was almost ready to strike her with the cane I was so angry. I lowered my voice and spoke so that it was a hoarse whisper with all the venom I could conjure. "Just get away from me." Paige had the good sense to back away. I noticed that Tony had the good sense to look ashamed and stay far away from me. Good thing. I wouldn't have held back from striking him with the cane. I finally swiveled, as much as I could swivel, and headed out the door. Everything was quiet in the bar and nobody said anything else. I walked to my car, opened it, threw the cane in, and climbed behind the wheel. The pain in my hip was not so bad right now. After I had eased into the seat I thought about it some more. Had I really loved Paige? I thought I had wanted to be with her permanently. I even had the ring in my pocket to prove it. I collapsed against the wheel and took deep breaths as I tried not to let my emotions overcome me. I wanted to let it out, hit something; yell and scream, but I couldn't do it in the parking lot. I had to get the hell out of there. I backed up and left. I drove to my mother's house where I was staying until I figured out what I was going to do. I went straight to my bedroom, took a pain pill, and went to bed. It was only 8pm, but I had no desire to be anywhere else right then and I didn't want to be up and have to face my mother when she got home. It was Memorial Day weekend and I had to face her for three days before she went back to work. I managed to pass out, still exhausted from the wound and travel, and overtaken by the medication. ------------ I didn't wake up until the next morning. I woke at 7am to the smell of something cooking. My stomach growled, which was rare when I was taking the pain pills, but I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch yesterday. I got up, still in the same jeans and t-shirt and made my way to the kitchen. I was momentarily taken aback to see my mother sitting at the table with Paige. At least from behind, I could have sworn it was Paige. My mother stood up. "There he is." The woman turned and I realized that it was Kate, Paige's baby sister, and it was she who had told me that Paige was in that bar. I should have guessed it was Kate since she is a couple of inches shorter and a little fleshier than her sister, but I was not fully awake yet. Kate stood up and came over to me. "John, I'm sorry you had to find out like that." I glared at her. "I didn't know they'd be so obvious about it. I thought you might have a chance to find out slowly or that they would tell you. I knew about this and felt you had a right to know, but didn't know how to break it to you." I moved around her and sat down. She glanced at my mother and then sat down also. "So you heard about how I found out?" "Yes, I found out from Bobby, who was there at the bar. He said you were shaking so much it looked like you were going to explode." "I almost did." I reached into my pocket. "It's a good thing I didn't get to this point." I laid the ring on the table. My mother and Kate almost gasped when they saw it. Kate reached over and put her hand on my arm. "John, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were that serious. I wanted to write and tell you. They've been hooking up for about three months. I just didn't know what to say. Then, when you got injured, I was afraid to say anything until you were recovered. My parents told me to stay out of it, but the way Paige was acting made me so mad." "People keep saying 'injured' like I fell and sprained a wrist. I wasn't injured, I was shot. I took an AK-47 bullet in the hip. Shot." Kate looked a little cowed. I realized I was angry and almost yelling. "Sorry, I'm a little upset." Kate put her hand back on my arm and patted it. "Perfectly okay. I understand." My mother had been staying out of it, but finally asked the question. "You went there to ask her to marry you?" I gave her a wry grin and rubbed my hand over my short hair. "Yeah, imagine my surprise. I thought I loved that slut." "Hey!" My mother interrupted us. "Let's keep this conversation civil." My mother was always after everyone about their language; especially after my dad died. She had to raise me from when I was 7. I looked at my mother. "Is what Paige did civil? No way. She's a slut and deserves to be called one." My mother put her hands on her hips and faced me. "Just be the responsible one, okay? Stay out of the mud and move on. If she's that bad, she's not worth wasting any more time over." "Yeah, I guess." I tried to sound convincing and I guess I must have because my mother and Kate both seemed to relax and we had a more comfortable breakfast. I noticed that Kate didn't say anything about our discussion on her sister. What I really meant when I said that, however, was no fucking chance. I was going to get even somehow. I just had to figure out how and make it so that it stung. It had to be mental. The question was how. After all, she was obviously not in love with me. I have no idea how this happened or what to do, but I was going to find a way. After breakfast, Kate left and I got cleaned up. About 11am I headed over to the hospital in the next town where I was going to get some physical therapy. It was not yet June but already the heat was building so I had to use my air conditioner all the way. I walked in and filled out the paperwork. I had made sure all the arrangements had been made, but I still had to fill out more paperwork. I waited for about 30 minutes and then I was called in. I walked to the door and my physical therapist met me there. She was a nice woman named Kelly and she worked me through the routine. I say nice, but that's not entirely correct. I'm sure physical therapists are nice people outside of work, but at work they only seem nice initially. They shake your hand and greet you with a smile. But the instant they get you into your workout, they show their true colors. These people are sadists. I think there's a psychological test they have to pass to prove this in order to get the job. Only sadists could make us hurt like they do. My physical therapy consisted of working on my hip to get my full range of motion back. I had been struck in the hip. The bullet had entered just along the outside of my hip and pinged off the bone. They had to go in to remove a couple of bone chips and some bullet fragments. Now it was supposedly fine, but I needed to keep up the exercises to get the muscles and tendons back into shape after the surgery. After the physical therapy, I went by the local grocery store, picked up a few items, and headed home. It was time to plan my revenge. I just had to think of the best way. My mother rightly guessed about my moroseness and told me I should get over Paige; she had had no qualms about dropping me and I should just forget her and move on to someone who deserved me. I agreed, but I just couldn't let it go. Fucking pride. ------------ Two weeks later, I took the first step on the way to getting my revenge, and it came to me suddenly. I had lain low in this small Illinois town. There were several small towns around here and many of the people knew each other. We were about 20 miles from St. Louis in Illinois farm country. I had heard about Paige and Tony and several people had looked at me with pity, but they shouldn't have. I didn't need it. Anytime anyone tried to say they were sorry I had managed to look completely nonplussed and unconcerned. And it worked. Pretty soon people got the idea that I had been angry, but not that attached to the bitch. And I was getting over it, but not completely. I worked on my resume and applied, albeit late, to graduate school while trying to think of a way to get revenge. At least the graduate school gave later application dates to returning veterans. And then the idea for revenge became clear one morning. One day after physical therapy, I made sure to drop by the small yoga and Pilates studio in the next town. It was a recommendation of my physical therapist and anything was better than going back for more physical therapy. I got there while they were having a class and talked to the receptionist. I told her that I needed some way to continue to stretch and work on my hip flexibility while recovering from surgery. She said that I could discuss it with the instructor when the class was over. I waited. About 20 minutes later the class broke up. It was all women, and the 20 or so women slowly filed out, including Kate. She saw me and smiled and wandered over. I stood up and grinned. Kate was looking good. She was a little fleshier than Paige in all the right places. She had a nice bubble butt and her bust looked a little fuller than Paige's B-cups. "Hi, Kate." I put out my hand to shake it. "Hi, John. How are you?" "Good, good. I was just stopping by to see if I could work on my hip flexibility. The hospital recommended I try something like this to help with it." I took both her hands and held them out to the side and looked her up and down. She was sweating a little, her skin glowing. She was wearing those damn spandex work out shorts that women wear that make it impossible not to check out the shape of their ass and hips. Hers were full and delectable. Her top was a t-shirt that, while modest, let you know that there were some nice tits under there. "You have grown up to be quite beautiful, Kate." "Thanks." She smiled at me and blushed. "Don't I remind you too much of Paige?" She knew everyone commented on how much they looked alike. "Paige who?" I grinned. "Yeah, yeah." She scoffed at that question. She changed the subject quickly. "Anyway, this place just opened recently and I'm sure Deb could work with you on getting your hip flexibility back." "Okay, good." It was while Kate looked around for the instructor, Deb, that the idea suddenly sprung into my head. I thought about Kate. She was now 22, having just graduated from college. Paige and I were 25. Kate had become very good looking, like her mother and sister. She was young, her complexion was fair and clear, and she had beautiful blue eyes, nice light brown hair, took care of herself, and had a decent shape. Maybe I should date Kate, fuck her, and rub Paige's nose in it. I might even just fuck her and drop her like a hot potato. That might be the best way to get back at Paige. I would have to play it carefully though. I didn't want Kate to catch on until it was too late. "Kate, I have two tickets to the Cardinals this Saturday. Do you want to go?" She turned and looked at me closely. "Is that a good idea?" "What? Why?" "C'mon, you know why. You just broke up with my sister who was saying one thing and doing another while you were deployed. I know she hurt you. Now you want to date me? Why?" I looked at her. "Because you're a beautiful woman and for some reason I know that you would never do what she did." "You sure?" "You wouldn't have been over my house that morning if you didn't feel bad about it. You obviously felt worse about it than she did because I still haven't heard from Paige." "Yeah, well, she feels bad, too. She just doesn't know how to approach you and apologize. She doesn't want to get back with you, just explain why she couldn't tell you while you were deployed but was going to when they picked you up." "Well, I'll come over on Saturday and pick you up for the game and she can apologize, okay?" Kate stared at me. "This is a bad idea." "It's just a friend taking another friend to a Cardinal ballgame." "Yeah, right." She eyed me suspiciously. "Look, I've got two tickets, my mother doesn't want to go, after the other night I don't have any friends in this town that I know I can trust, and, well, I would rather go with an attractive woman." She eyed me a little longer, and then relented. "Okay, I'll go. You know I'm a big Cardinals fan. What time?" "It's a day game, 1:15 start, so pick you up at 11:45?" She looked at me closely this whole time. "Okay, 11:45." She turned. "And here comes Deb. See you on Saturday." I turned toward Deb as Kate walked away, trying not to be too obvious about checking out that spandex wrapped ass. I was hoping she hadn't gotten the wrong vibe from me. I was still planning on dating Paige's little sister, flaunting it in front of her, and trying to make her uncomfortable. I knew from our time before I had deployed that Paige had been protective of Kate, but with the way Paige was acting now and the fact that Kate was 22, maybe that was no longer true. Well, we would just have to find out. ------------ That night, I was at a sports bar with a friend of mine, Roger, who lived in the town just east of me and I told him my plan. He grinned. "Really? You think you're going to fuck Kate?" I looked at him questioningly. "What am I not getting here? Is she gay?" "No, she's not gay, but nobody I know has ever gotten to that point with her." "Yeah, like you know so many great guys in town." "I'm serious." "I know you are, but that's not much of a statement to me. Besides, she just spent four years away at college, so you don't know what she did there." I paused. "I guess I'll just have to turn on my charm." I gave him a grin, since he knew I was joking. He slapped me on the back and laughed. "Yeah, that'll get her to immediately strip and beg you to fuck her." I laughed, too. "Fuck off, dude." "Yeah. Whatever you say, Mr. Lothario." What are friends for? ------------ Paige wasn't home when I picked up Kate, so we went straight to the game. No apology was forthcoming that day. The Cardinal game went as expected. The Cards beat up on the Cubs and the fans around us good-naturedly harassed each other during the game. You can't go to a game in either of those cities without seeing a few fans from the other side. During the game, Kate and I talked baseball and many other things, but nothing about her sister. After the game, we walked around the newly developed area around the ballpark. There are lots of restaurants and bars in the main Ballpark Village structure, but we stayed away from that totally mobbed building. We finally found a place to have a drink about two blocks further along. This is when the discussion about her sister took place. "So what the hell happened between Paige and Tony?" I watched Kate closely, studying her face as she talked. She was very beautiful in that Midwestern perky-girl sort of way. "I have no idea what happened. She didn't even to appear to like him until one day she and Tony just showed up at the house together, a new couple." I smiled at her and she tilted her head and looked at me questioningly as she realized I was watching her so closely. "Sorry, didn't mean to stare, but you really are a beautiful woman." She blushed. "Thanks." She didn't sound sure about that. "No, I mean when I first met Paige in high school, you were this skinny, gangly thing who wanted to grow up and be like her big sister. I remember Paige being very protective of you. And now you've turned out to be as beautiful as her, if not more so." "Yeah, she tried to keep me out of trouble. I wanted to be grown up at 14 and tried to push the limits, so Paige tried to shield me from the assholes." She avoided the comment about her beauty. "Well, she and your mother did something right. You turned out rather well Miss Kate." She grinned. "I don't know what's going on, but you are definitely going overboard on the complements." I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm a flirt. You knew that." Kate eyed me warily, waggled her finger at me, and said good-naturedly. "I'm going to keep my eye on you." "Good." After a couple of drinks I took her home and Paige was still not there so I just left and went home. We flirted a little more, but I had time to work this before I had to head off to graduate school, so I wasn't worried that nothing came of it. But I do think she was warming to the idea of dating her sister's former boyfriend. Love is Damn Hard ------------ Over the next week, I got Kate to go out to dinner with me on Wednesday and things went really well. We laughed and talked about everything under the sun. We had a lot in common and her sense of humor was actually very surprising. She made me laugh with her observations on other people. Then the next Friday night we went to a movie. This time I got a little more touchy-feely. After the movie, which was an early one, we went and had drinks at a bar. Since we were in a booth I cozied up to her and kissed her. What I was surprised by was the way she returned it. I kissed her lightly, a light brush of the lips to test the waters. But Kate reached up as I kissed her gently and put her hand on the back of my head. She pulled me in and kissed me hard, opening her mouth and probing with her tongue. After about 30 seconds we broke it off. I looked at her. "Okay, well, that was surprising." She grinned and blushed. "Why?" "Well, I was not expecting you to be so aggressive. I wasn't even sure you wanted to kiss your sister's ex." She kept grinning. "You didn't like me being aggressive?" "Not at all. I just wasn't sure we were going to get involved based on my history with Paige." I was trying to play this carefully. "History. Water under the bridge. Whatever. You are no longer my sister's ex, you are my date, so let's not talk about her." She stood up and held out her hand. "Let's go to your house." When I raised my eyebrows at that, she grinned. "C'mon, let's go." I got up and we drove to my mother's house. When we got into the house, we were lucky; my mother was not there. She had left a note that she was going out with some friends to dinner and a movie. Kate smiled. "Ah, good timing. C'mon." She grabbed my hand and led me back into my bedroom. She was going faster than I expected of Kate. What the hell? When we got in my room, she led me to the bed. "Sit here." She closed the door and then turned to me. "You ready?" "For what?" I gave her a grin, both of us knowing what answer I wanted. "This." And with that she began to unbutton her blouse. She unbuttoned it and dropped it over the chair across the room from my bed. She was wearing a nice normal bra, nothing fancy, but still, I was seeing Kate take off her clothes and this was exciting. "You like?" "That was a rhetorical question, right?" Kate grinned at my comment as she then proceeded to unzip her jeans. She wiggled out of them, dropped those to the floor, and stepped out of them. Her panties were just plain and functional; nothing spectacular. But the body was fucking hot! She was definitely keeping herself in great shape. She had a nice rack, probably in the C range, nice hips, a firm ass, and a small waist. "What do you think?" I was wondering if that was just her way of teasing me, but she was looking kind of nervous and started fidgeting. "Absolutely stunning." "Not exactly a sexy bra and panty set. I wasn't sure I was going to do this when I got dressed tonight." "Who cares? No matter how plain the wrapping is, the woman inside is still gorgeous." She took that well and smiled. I wasn't kidding either. I started out on this plan just to fuck her and make Paige jealous and angry, but I think I was going to enjoy it more than I initially thought. This woman was a stunner. She also was intelligent and funny. I could do much worse. But I had to focus on what I had started out to do. I wanted to fuck Kate to fuck with Paige. Fucking pride. "Come over here." Kate walked over to me and I put my arms on her hips and stared up at her. "So what brought this on? You sure you want to do this?" I was hoping this received an affirmative answer. "No. But I'm going to anyway." Close enough. Kate stepped between my legs and bent over to kiss me. I fell back flat and made her crawl up onto my lap to kiss me. She straddled me and kissed me hard, her desire more evident than I thought. I ran my hands over her panty clad ass and she wiggled and moaned into my mouth. I pushed down on her hips and she rubbed her panty covered crotch all over my Dockers covered dick. Damn! She was hot and ready to go! I pushed her over to the side and stood up. I slowly undressed. When I was naked and my desire for her physically evident, she reached out to caress it. My erection was almost painful. I hadn't fucked a woman in 13 months, so I was more than ready. I reached down and put my fingers under the waist band of Kate's panties and dragged them off. She was shaved to a narrow Mohawk and her pussy was showing signs of wetness. I kissed her on the stomach and she groaned. I pulled her upright to be able to get her bra off. Once that was gone, we were naked and I was going to fuck Paige's little sister. I reached over to the night stand and pulled out a condom. I unwrapped it and rolled it on, while standing directly in front of Kate. She watched closely. Once I had the penile raincoat on, I leaned over and pushed her flat. I crawled up and started making out with her again, running my hands up over her tits, squeezing her nipples, and running my hand down over her pubic mound. She was squirming and moaning into the kiss. I was amazed at how responsive her body was. She was definitely wound up. We finished a kiss and she reached for my cock. "Fuck me, now, John. Now!" This was not a difficult command to follow. I crawled up over her, she seated my dick, and I started working it in. It was very easy. She was wetter than I expected after such a short time. It only took a couple of thrusts to get enough moisture on the condom to be fully embedded. And boy was she tight! I was on my elbows thrusting and she wrapped her legs around me to hump back. She was moaning loudly and had tilted her head back with her eyes closed. I watched as she let her emotions wash over her face. I kissed her and she kissed back hard, but pulled away to take deep breaths and moan. She was beautiful and was definitely getting into the sex. I was not going to last too long and hoped I could get her off soon. I was thrusting deeply and she started humping me quickly, looking for the right contact to reach orgasm. She achieved it about 5 seconds before I did. She started moaning, wrapped her arms around me, hunched up against me, and went rigid. Then she jerked a couple of times, accompanied by a moan and short quick breaths of air, and I reached my orgasm. I had to thrust up into her to get the right pressure on my cock and pump my cum into the condom. This drove her crazy as she was still getting through her orgasm. Finally, we both sort of went limp. I was spent and it appeared that she was, too. I lay on top of her for a couple of seconds and she opened her eyes. She kissed me. "That was wonderful." I smiled. It was quick, but it was rather nice after a long hiatus. "I thought so, too." I crawled off, sat up, removed the condom, threw it in the trash and then lay back down. I maneuvered us both around so that we could get under the sheet. Kate lay there, still recuperating, and put her right hand on my chest. "I think I should get up and go before your mother comes in." "Probably a good idea." I started to roll out of bed, but she pulled me back, changing her mind. "Wait a minute. Let me lie here and enjoy this for another moment." We did. We lay there for about ten minutes and then we got up and got dressed. The snuggling was definitely enjoyable. We got in the car and I took her home. We were rather silent on the way to her house. When we got there, we both got out and I walked her to the door. We said good-night with a hot kiss. Damn! She was really quite good. This wasn't a difficult assignment at all. ------------ The next week, Kate and I went out three times. All three times we ended up having sex. Kate was smart, beautiful, and very, very sexual. I was starting to feel bad and was reconsidering what I was doing. I tried to soldier on, but it was getting more difficult to stay detached. I really liked her and the fact that I started out doing this to hurt Paige was making me feel horrible. It dawned on me after our last date that I was doing something worse than Paige had done to me. But how did I end it? Should I tell Kate? I really wanted to keep Kate now. She was an amazing woman. She was an even better person than Paige. I would just have to forget getting back at Paige and enjoy my time with the nubile and excitable Kate. I really couldn't believe that I had considered marrying Paige. For the next couple of weeks, I spent every moment I could with Kate. She was wonderful, she was witty, she was sexy, and she was more than Paige ever was. She even seemed to feel the same way about me. This was definitely more of what I wanted out of a relationship and more than I had ever gotten. The question now was: what were my real feelings? I was still mad at Paige for what she had done in front of everyone, but Kate was, well, fucking great! ------------ One Saturday, after we had sex over at her friend's house, Kate and I headed back to her parent's home. She was pretty silent and I walked her to the door, wondering what she was thinking. Before we got to the door, it opened and Paige stood there. Excellent! This is what I wanted to do. I wanted to get Paige angry and jealous, right? Or did I? What did I want from her? Regret for what she had done? Maybe. But now it wasn't so clear. I liked Kate for who she was and Paige seemed much less important. She also seemed to be relaxed and not angry. I was still hoping for more of a reaction. Instead, Paige was calm, said hello, and invited me in. We went into the den and sat down. Paige had been watching some movie on DVD that was now on pause. Paige looked at me. "John, I never got to explain to you what happened and I want to. I don't want you hating me." She looked at Kate who turned and looked at me, too. "I don't hate you, Paige. I just don't care at all anymore." I started to get up and leave. "Please." She waved me back down and Kate left the room. "Look, let me explain. I was going to write and tell you that I wasn't in love with you and had fallen for Tony but my mother talked me out of it. She said she had heard that guys who got the typical 'Dear John' letters while deployed would sometimes do something reckless or risky. I didn't want anything to happen to you because of me. I realize I should have told you, but I was a coward and thought I was protecting you. I see now that that was wrong. I fell in love with Tony. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but that's what happened. I just hope that we can all at least be comfortable around each other." I stared at her. What she said made some sense. I had heard about a couple of guys doing that, but she managed to get my anger going again. "That was still a shitty way to find out." She looked down at her hands. "I know. I'm sorry. Tony and I were going to tell you after we picked you up. We had no idea you would show up early." "Do you think that's a good reason for not telling me? How about when I was back at Walter Reed? I was back in the U.S. and had been staying there for two weeks before returning here. I wasn't deployed then. If my cell hadn't been broken I'd have called you and texted you more, but for some reason I didn't. I did call once and you didn't say a fucking thing. Fuck, what a chump I was." I was getting angrier. I should have backed off, but I couldn't. Fucking pride. Paige continued to stare at her hands as if there was a better answer there. "I have no excuse. I was a coward and didn't want to tell you until Tony and I were together in front of you. I never meant to hurt you, it just happened. I still think you're a great guy, just not my great guy." I tried to think how it went and understand what she was thinking, but my anger had returned. I decided to throw a dagger at her. "Well, in that case, you have no problem with Kate and I hooking up do you? I've been getting all the attention I need from your little baby sister. What do you think about that?" I gave her a nasty grin. Paige's eyes were wide. I guess she didn't expect me and her baby sister to get it on so soon. Or maybe she was shocked at the venom in my comment. She looked at me and then over at the door where Kate had disappeared. "I have no problem with it. You two are adults and Kate - well - she has always ..." "Well, good." I stood up as I interrupted her. "I'm glad we got that settled. I'll just use Kate to help me get over you." As soon as I said the words, I regretted them. I said them in anger, which is never good, and they definitely could be interpreted badly. It may have started out that way, but I had really grown close to Kate. She was actually much more fun and interesting than Paige. But I couldn't hold back on that last parting shot at Paige and, as I was to find out, it was going to cost me. My pride had overridden logic. Kate stepped back into the room as I stood up. She must have heard my last comment and suddenly seemed to see right through what I just said. Oh fuck, no, please not that. Please let us get past that. I started to say something. Kate, however, was not happy and not going to let it go. She held up a hand. "No, no, no. I heard that. What's going on here? The way you said that makes me think that you came after me only as a way to hurt Paige. Is that it? You just wanted to fuck me so that you could get back at Paige?" Her voice had risen and her tone was accusatory; and for good reason. "It's not like that, Kate." I squirmed. That was definitely the plan in the beginning, but I was starting to like this little firebrand. She was feisty and hot. "That's not what I meant..." She stared at me and interrupted me. "No? You liar. I could tell by the way you told her and the way you are fidgeting. You can't even be honest with me. God, what a fool I am." "Look, Kate. It may have started out that way..." That's all I got out before she really got angry at my confirmation of how this all started. Kate stood up. "Well, fuck you, asshole! I can't believe that you did that. I can't believe that I gave my virginity up for a revenge fuck." She clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes went wide, and she ran from the room. Her virginity? She was 22 and there was no hymen. She seemed to know her way around a man's cock. What the hell? I lost all my anger at that point and just felt shocked and horrible. I looked over at Paige, unable to express all the things going through my head. She finally looked hurt and she spoke quietly. It was almost a whisper but the venom was there. "So you fucked my sister just to get even with me. I didn't think you were that kind of asshole, John. If I had known that, I would have told you about Tony long ago and just blew you off. Now you have actually managed to hurt me, not because I love you, but because Kate does. That's what I was trying to tell you. She has had a crush on you since she was 14 and over the last few weeks was falling in love with you." Now I felt like the asshole she was calling me. "But I didn't know, and now I..." She cut me off. "No, but you used her. Her actions were different because she's wanted you forever. Maybe I deserved to get hurt, but not this way. Not by using my little sister like that. Get out." "But Paige..." she cut me off again. "Just get the fuck out!" I left. I should have stayed and made a better argument, but I was still in a bit of shock at everything that had taken place. I felt worse than I did when Paige dumped me. At least that was because somebody else was an asshole, this was because I was. I had done something worse to Kate than Paige had done to me. Paige had fallen in love with someone else and been a coward to tell me the truth. I had tried to purposefully use Kate as a pawn to get back at Paige and had really been smitten by her. Oh, shit. Fucking pride. ------------ I called Kate every day for the next week to no avail. I called Paige three times and she at least answered. The response was the same, though; Kate didn't want to talk to me. I tried to catch her at home, but they seemed to know whenever I was around. I even hung around the yoga studio a few times to try to see her, but she skipped her classes. I tried to figure out what I was doing, but Kate was like a drug. I was addicted and couldn't get a fix. I finally had to admit that I needed her more than I had ever needed another woman, even Paige. I mean I had thought I was in love with Paige, but now I could see that that wasn't true. I got angry with her for her wanton display at the bar, but afterwards, I was just angry. I didn't really miss her. But Kate; I missed Kate terribly. I thought about that some more. Maybe it was the fact that Kate had all of Paige's good traits and some others, too. Maybe included in that was the fact that she loved me and had thrown herself completely into our short relationship, making herself attractive and vulnerable. Whatever it was, I wanted more; no, I needed more. Shit! Love is fucking hard. I was sitting at the kitchen table after another fruitless phone call when my mother came home from work. Being raised without a father meant that my mother and I spoke openly about a lot of subjects. We had to. She had to be both mother and father to me. "Having girl problems again?" My mother was slightly teasing me, but still serious. "Yeah. I really messed up with Kate." "What happened?" I explained. "Now she won't speak to me." My mother stared at me. "After hearing that, I wouldn't want to speak to you either. That's just plain awful, playing with someone's feelings like that." "Okay, but I didn't know she had had a crush on me for years. I thought we'd just have some fun and I could rub Paige's nose in it." "Still, it was a bad idea and you know it." "Yeah, I know. I was just angry and hurt. I had thought about proposing to Paige, so it was taking me a while to get over it. If I didn't care about Kate, this wouldn't bother me so much, but now I'm completely captivated by Kate. I really messed up." My mother sat on the corner of the table next to me and took my hand. "John, you are a decent person. This was a terrible thing you did, but I really believe that you are a decent man. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to sit here and look at you. I think you realize you made a mistake because you let anger and pride rule your actions, but you have to set it right. You have to apologize to Kate and you have to eat some crow doing it. I don't care if you have to get down on your knees and grovel, you'll make her understand that you know you were wrong. Okay?" "Okay." I hung my head. Then I thought of something else. Should I mention it to my mother? Well, I was going to. "Mom, there's another part of this. Kate said she was a virgin when she slept with me." "So? You don't believe her?" She didn't seem perturbed by me bringing up that subject. "I don't know. She certainly didn't seem inexperienced." My mother laughed. "What does that have to do with actual sex? She may know a lot about it but just not have actually performed the act. Maybe she did everything but have sex. Maybe she had toys. What difference does it make now? Is that relevant here?" "Yes, because of the way I seduced her. And Paige said she's had a crush on me for years." My mother smiled that condescending smile that all mothers get when they realize you've been clueless about something. "I know. It's been obvious to me the entire time. I thought she might grow out of it, but I guess not. Why do you think she was over here the morning after you saw Paige? Well, you'll just have to deal with that, too." She smiled and patted me on the head like a little kid. "Shit! What a mess." "Language!" My mother chastised me one more time before she left the room. Now what? Love is Damn Hard ------------ The next Saturday, when I knew Kate wasn't working, I went to their house. I made sure to park up the street and carry a large bunch of flowers. I knocked on the door and held the flowers up in front of my face so that they couldn't tell who I was. Kate answered. "Flowers for Kate." I said it with a strange accent while staying behind the flowers, thinking she couldn't tell it was me. She knew. "Take your flowers and shove them up your ass, John." The door slammed closed before I could do anything else. I stood there for a second hoping the door would open again, but finally put the flowers down on the ground and left them with a note. I had thought about the note for a long time until I remembered a poem from college that I liked. I could only hope that she would read it. I had no idea what to do to get back in her good graces. I went home. My mother was there and commiserated with me. Over the next couple of weeks I realized that I missed Kate more than I had originally wanted to admit, and that was a lot. She had all the similar characteristics that had drawn me to Paige, but actually had been falling in love with me. And I threw it away. I tried everything I could, but to no avail. Now it was almost September and since I had been accepted at the University of Illinois for graduate school, I had to leave to get up there. I tried one more time by writing a letter to Kate about my plans and how I still wanted to see her. It was returned unopened. ------------ So I moved up to Champaign to start graduate school and got settled in. I still called Kate's cell number once a day, leaving a message sometimes, until I guess she had finally had enough and the recording said the number didn't exist. She must have gotten a new number. My mother called me in October and told me that the Johansson's had moved. She drove by there the other day just to see if Paige and Kate were still around and the house was empty with a For Sale sign in front. That was the final dagger in that relationship. Unfortunately, in that short time I had really come to care for Kate. She had gotten under my skin more than I initially cared to admit and this final nail in the coffin really hurt. I guess there was always this belief in the back of my head that I would be able to apologize, get her to accept it, and we could get back together. I never quit hoping for that. Damn, so maybe this is what it really means to be in love. So I did what every other guy I knew who had this happen to them. I went out and got drunk. After my dance with the demon alcohol that night, I buried myself in my work to make sure I got a good start in graduate school. My undergraduate degree was in thermodynamics and fluid mechanics, but now I was getting a Master's in Computer Science. I had some catching up to do and it showed in my first data structures class. I had a hard time keeping up with some of the assignments dealing with walking randomized binary trees and such. But I got by. I was going to have little time for fun until I felt comfortable with everything so I decided to just work through the coursework and concentrate on that for this period. I would wait until Christmas to have fun. When I finished my finals and finally headed home, I was exhausted. I had studied hard to make sure I got the best grades I could. I got home on the 18th and my mother was definitely happy to see me. I walked into my old bedroom and was once again struck by how small it was. ------------ The first thing I did was go by Kate's house. It had been sold by now and there was somebody else living there. I saw the new family come out and get into a minivan. It was a family with three little girls between the ages of about 3 and 9. They all looked cute and I just stared until they left. No Kate around here. I asked around with some folks that knew them, but either they didn't know where the Johansson's had gone or they had been pre-briefed not to tell me. On the 22nd, my friend Roger called, and we got together at one of the bars. Even the smallest town in this area of southern Illinois usually had at least three watering holes. Roger gave me a hand shake and one-armed man hug. "How's it hangin', dude?" I smiled. "Limp as a wet noodle, Roger." "What, don't they have women up at that school?" "Yeah, they have them. I was just so busy trying to get caught up with being back in the academic world and get a good start that I concentrated on classes." "Yeah, I figured. What about Miss Kate?" I hung my head a little. "Yeah, well, that ended badly, as you know. Now she's changed cell phone numbers and the whole family has moved. I can't find any sign of her. Even her Facebook page is gone. I guess that's that." "Yeah, and you were really starting to like her, huh?" "Man, she got under my skin fast. She was like Paige, but better. She was nicer, more intelligent, more fun, and I - I don't know - I just really fell for her." "Like in loved her?" Roger looked at me questioningly. Roger was my best friend, so I figured I might as well admit it. "Yeah, I think so. The time period was so short, it's hard to believe, but I think so. And the worst part is that I never told her that." Roger clapped me on the back and looked up as the waitress arrived. "We need two beers and two shots of Tequila. My man here needs to get over a girl." The waitress grinned at that and looked at me. "Okay, then. What kind of beer?" Roger looked at me. I shrugged. "Who cares, it's just to cut and chase the Tequila. How about Michelob Ultra?" "Okay." She left. So Roger and I tied one on and somehow he got me home. I guess he didn't drink as much as I did, because I was completely incapable of driving. ------------ It was the 27th and I was just cleaning up from breakfast when I got a call on my cell. "Hello?" I didn't recognize the number. "John? It's Paige." I guess she still had my cell number even though she and Kate had changed theirs. "Hey, stranger. How are you guys doing?" I wanted to go straight to the subject of Kate, but I was afraid. "Not well. Uhhhh, you know we moved right?" She sounded tense and a little scared, but if she was calling me, at least she was getting over what I did to Kate. "Yes. What is it Paige?" "Look, we moved to Missouri on the west side of St. Louis. My dad got a job offer and we all came over here to also look for jobs. I think Kate wanted to get out of there and it was a good time for Tony and me to try to get set up in the suburbs of the city. Anyway," she hesitated for a second, "Kate's in the hospital." "What?!? Where? Can I come see her?" I was imagining all sorts of bad things; car accident, pedestrian accident, meningitis. There was a moment of silence. "Do you really still have feelings for her?" "Yes!" I said it quickly and immediately. I think she was surprised by the speed and volume of my answer, but it was fast and showed that I didn't think about it, so at least she knew I wasn't fibbing. "Okay, look. She's in Barnes Jewish West County Hospital. It's over here by Washington University." "What happened, Paige?" There was more silence and I could almost hear her thinking over whether or not she should tell me. "Paige, I'm coming over there, so you might as well tell me so I'll know when I get there." "She was raped and beaten." Paige said it quietly and quickly. I was stunned. That was the last thing I was thinking of. "Can I come right now?" More silence. "Do you think you should?" "I won't come if you don't think I should, Paige. I don't want to intrude, but I really did fall for your sister. I know it started out by me being an asshole and trying to get back at you, but she's so amazing and wonderful I couldn't help it. Please let me see her." "Just a sec." There was murmuring in the background and I think she was discussing it with the rest of the family. Finally, a voice came back on and I knew it was her mother. "John, this is Mrs. Johansson. I don't want Kate getting upset or anything so please wait until we get there about 1pm, okay?" "Sure, Mrs. Johansson. If I get there earlier, I'll just wait in the cafeteria." "Okay, goodbye." She hung up the phone. I rushed into my bathroom to shower and get ready. I showered, shaved, and was dressed in about 15 minutes. I hopped in my car and drove to I-64 to get to St. Louis. I made the drive to the hospital in about an hour, reliving several times that mistake I had made when I was angry with Paige. Fucking pride. When I got there, it was only 11am. I had two hours to kill. Since I wasn't family, I probably couldn't get in until they were there anyway. I went to the cafeteria and got something to drink. It was a nice hospital. I wondered where the attack took place and where the Johansson's lived that Kate ended up here. I sat and waited. I got up and walked around. I went outside for a few minutes for fresh air. I was so damn anxious I couldn't sit down. Finally, at 1pm, the Johansson's showed up at the entrance to the cafeteria. I leapt up from the fifth chair I had sat in and walked over to them quickly. Paige looked upset but Mrs. Johansson looked perfect and beautiful. Their father was not with them. "Hi, Paige, Mrs. Johansson. I'm sorry we had to see each other again under these circumstances." I had rehearsed that line for an hour. Paige stared at me but Mrs. Johansson moved forward and gave me a hug. "Thank you. I always liked you John. I hope you have learned your lesson about how not to treat my daughter." I felt ashamed and I could feel my face get hot. "Yes, ma'am." I couldn't say anything else. "Okay, let's go." She led us toward the elevators and then selected the floor Kate was on. She didn't speak again until the doors started closing. "John, you should know that my husband refused to come here and meet with you today. He is very angry with you. You see, Kate became very morose, moody, and angry after you two had your little - thing." She waved her hand with a flick of her wrist. "She took it out on us at first, and then started going out and keeping the wrong company, if you know what I mean. It appears that the group who attacked her was not pleased that she would not have sex with them." I gulped at that. "Them" meant a lot. She continued. "There were five guys there and she was supposedly on a date with one. When the bar was closing, the bartender locked the door and her date told her she needed to 'entertain' his friends." She turned to look at me and I must have looked shocked. Meanwhile, she was speaking in a very matter of fact tone. "Yes, shocking, I know, but not unheard of. We all need to be strong for Kate and if she says she does not want you around or if I think that you will interfere with her getting better, I will bar you from seeing her. Do you understand?" She turned to face me and stared hard at me. "Yes, ma'am, I understand. I want nothing for Kate but for her to recover." Mrs. Johansson patted me on the arm. "That's what I thought." We got off the elevator and walked to Kate's room. Mrs. Johansson stopped outside Kate's door. "John, stay here until I think she's ready. Also, just to let you know, she's been beaten up pretty well. Please don't look shocked or she will feel badly about her appearance. Her self-esteem is very fragile right now." "Yes, ma'am." I tried to imagine what I was going to see, but I waited outside. I waited and waited. Finally, after about 20 minutes, Paige opened the door and waved me in. I entered and got my first look at Kate. She had bandages around her head and covering half her face. Her face looked swollen even where it wasn't bandaged. Somebody had really done a job on her. She watched me closely with her one eye that was uncovered, her right. I gave her a weak smile and walked up to the left side of her bed. I noticed that her right hand was wrapped up, but not her left, so I headed to that side. I couldn't tell if she was staring or glaring. I was hoping to take her hand and hold it to comfort her - and me. "Hey, Kate. I've been trying to get in touch with you for a while." I reached for her hand, but she pulled it back. I awkwardly put my hand back at my side. "Well, here I am. You have a captive audience." Her voice was weak and cracked. I thought she might be trying to be a little funny, but it may be that she was still angry. Mrs. Johansson and Paige were not leaving so I had to just say what I wanted to say with them there. I tried to speak softly, but I'm sure they heard most of it. "Kate, I still need to properly apologize to you for my actions last summer. I thought all I wanted to do was hurt Paige, but then I found that I was falling for you. You were everything I had ever dreamed of in a woman. When I hurt you, I realized how much I cared for you. I'm very, very sorry and hope that you can forgive me and let me make it up to you." There was dead silence for a few seconds as she stared at me with her one uncovered eye. Then she gestured with her finger for me to move closer. I leaned over and was about a foot from her so she could whisper in my ear. "Get out." I froze, and then stood up. I looked at Mrs. Johansson and Paige. They hadn't heard it and were looking at me inquisitively. I looked back down. "As you wish, Kate." I leaned over and whispered into her ear. "I do love you." I stood back up and watched tears form in her eyes. She raised her left hand a little and pointed toward the door. I hung my head and left. I stood outside leaning against the hallway wall for a few moments trying to collect my thoughts and where this left me. I was devastated by the way she did that. I guess I deserved it, but I had hoped she would forgive me. I was still there when Paige came out. She looked sheepish. "Sorry. I thought she might react better to seeing you." I sighed. "Guess not." I stood up straight. "Okay, I have to go. I can see that there's nothing here for me. You tell Kate that I did fall in love with her, it just took me a while to figure it out." Paige's eyes were big and round as she stared at me. "Did you tell her that?" "Yes, just now. She told me to get out." Paige was still staring. "Sorry." She put her hand on my arm. "Will you be okay?" I inhaled and exhaled deeply. "I hope so. I've never felt like this, not even with you. It appears you were right to go out with Tony." Paige smiled and stepped forward and hugged me. I guess all was forgiven from her side. If only Kate had done so. "You take care." "Okay, you know my address and phone number if you need to get in touch. I've got to go. I can't hang around here anymore. My emotions are all over the place." Paige gave me a weak smile. "I know. I hope you have a happy new year." "You, too." I turned and left. All the way home in the car I beat myself up at the way I had handled my relationship with Kate. Shit, I acted like an asshole and got just what I deserved. This love shit is just too hard. ------------ I was studying hard, but finding more time to have fun in Champaign during the next semester. I tried dating a couple of women, but one was an undergraduate who was 20 and she was so naïve about the world that I felt like I was dating a child. The other was okay and we went out a few times. We even had sex, but both of us could tell it was just for fun. After a while she moved on. In April, about a month before I got out, my mother called and told me that the trial for the men who attacked Kate would start in May. She said that the police had all the perpetrators because Kate had fought so hard and tough that she had scratched, clawed, and injured most of them and that the person who called in the report had taken pictures. Evidently, the only thing that saved Kate from a worse fate was that a woman who couldn't find her phone on the way home figured she had left it on a table in the back of the bar. She and a friend went back to the bar to get it, but found the door locked. They went to a side window to see if anyone was there because the lights were still on and saw the guys beating and attempting to rape Kate as she fought. The woman's friend immediately called the police and then started taking photos with her phone. They got enough for all the guys to be recognized and when the police got there, all the guys, including the bartender, were still present. I got so angry as she told me the story that I couldn't work for an hour afterward. It was ridiculous that 5 guys and a bartender would even imagine they could do that, much less actually try it and think they could get away with it. ------------ I arrived home in May and said hello to all my friends. My mother gave me an update on the trial, which had started, and how it was going. She didn't know much, so I headed over to see. There was no way I could stay away from seeing these guys. I told myself to control my anger, but it was going to be hard. I managed to get into the courtroom, but just barely. This wasn't a heavily attended trial, but there were some reporters and other various interested parties there. I had to watch as the defense attorney for two of the guys tried to grill Kate. She did well. She looked much better than when I last saw her, obviously, but she had a scar on one cheekbone that I know wasn't there before. The two guys just looked like two average guys, except that they obviously didn't think that women were people. I wondered how they treated their mothers. Did they disrespect their own mothers? I managed to control my anger and watch until that day's part was over. I was leaving and had just made it to the parking lot when Paige spotted me. "John!" She was hurrying toward me as I was just starting to cross the parking lot to my car. I stopped and let her catch up. "Hey, Paige. How is she doing?" I didn't disguise my interest as being mainly her sister. "She's doing a lot better. What are you doing here?" "I guess I wanted to see her again and also to see if these guys were going to get hammered." Paige smiled. "They are going to get put away good. There is too much evidence and Kate cooperated fully even though she was initially cowed by having to discuss in court what happened. But she has proven how tough she is by taking everything they can throw at her and being strong. I think they are going away for a long time." "Good. I hope Kate does well. Don't tell her I was here. I don't want to upset her." Paige looked at me closely. "I'll wait until everything is over; if that's what you want." I shrugged. "I just want what's best for Kate." Paige suddenly grabbed me and gave me a big hug and then held me at arm's length. "I know. She knows it, too. She's just scared, has this to worry about, and is not too fond of men right now." "Listen, Paige, I want to thank you for thinking of me and well, not being angry any more for what I did to Kate." Paige smiled. "You're welcome, John. And maybe she will realize what she's missing later." I shrugged again. "And maybe not. Once this is over, just tell her I wish her the best." Paige looked at me sadly. "Okay, John. You have a good life, too." We said goodbye and I left, feeling like maybe I was getting some closure on this. ------------ The trial went well and all of the men were convicted. They averaged 20 years because of the severity of the beating on top of attempted rape. Evidently, only one guy actually penetrated Kate because she was such a fireball of energy and fought so well. Good for her. ------------ I went back to school and finished my Master's in Computer Science. It had now been a year since I'd seen Kate in that courtroom. I called Paige every so often just to see how Kate was doing. She had some trauma after the attack and was seeing a therapist. She looked for and found work, but Paige didn't say where.