4 comments/ 6244 views/ 0 favorites Let Fate Guide You By: OriginalT I knew I was dreaming, the fuzzy edges were proof of that. Excitement bubbled up in my chest, I was going to see HIM again. I'd been having the same dreams for months. Each one brought butterflies and a slice of paradise. I felt strong arms around me and knew at once that they didn't belong to my husband. The well-defined chest under my head confirmed it; a heartbeat thudded in my right ear, while a verbal chocolate poured over me. I was bathed in his masculine monologue, if I had been a cat that voice would've been enough to make me purr. Funny, he was right under me but it was hard to hear him; as if he was speaking to me through thick glass. I wanted to move, to look into the blue eyes that made my breath catch in my throat. I knew they would be looking into me; that once our eyes connected my very being would tear down my protective walls, my mangled and trampled heart would be left vulnerable. I ached to see the rest of him I'd never seen more than his eyes and arms. I had felt his sturdy thighs behind me once before, I was greedy to see the rest. He shifted beneath me, pulling my lips to his, my eyes closed and I screamed at my dream self. The frustration was clawing at my stomach it built into a wild animal thrashing around, the turmoil was too much I was surely going to be torn to pieces. One touch of his soft full lips tamed the beast. His skilled mouth moved against my novice one. I was so embarrassed, I wasn't worthy of such a kiss. This was the stuff of movies, reserved for the knock out leading lady. What was he doing wasting it on me? A small groan came from his throat, I smiled and broke the kiss. My head found his chest, his hand stroked my hair. I felt so safe and protected he was my guardian angel. I never wanted to leave his side, just thinking about the possibility made my heart clench with pain.... All at once I couldn't breathe I turned to ask for his help but he was gone. I could hear rushing water and feel pressure all over my body. Was I drowning? Where was I? Who am I? Someone please help me!! My room was dark, I was sitting up in bed gulping for air. I shook uncontrollably; my muscles locked in place a light sheen of sweat covered my body. I remembered blue eyes, but my husband's eyes are green, blue eyes belonging to a warm voice and strong arms, a kiss. A flash of memory blinded my mind, my heart was breaking to be back with him! A sob burst from my mouth, tears ran down my face. I felt my soul going insane from the heartache. "What the fuck is your problem?!" My husband had been woken up by my sobs. "Nothing honey, sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep." I tried to suck in all my anguish and push it deep inside me. "If you're going to be loud fucking go out into the living room! Fuck!" He rolled over with an angry huff pulling the covers off of me and wrapping himself completely with them. I lost all memory of my dream. My mind was focused on comforting the grumbling pile of man beside me. I felt awful, "I'm really sorry," my voice shook with the tears I was trying to suppress, "I wasn't trying to be loud." I wanted to be held so badly. He wouldn't hold me even if I begged, I had to find comfort with myself, this is how it's always been. "Are you seriously still crying?! Get your ass out of my bed and go be a bitch somewhere else, I have to fucking work in the morning." His eyes glared at me over his pudgy shoulder, I scampered out of his bed and ducked into the hall but I still heard his next sentence, "Fucking worthless cow, I'll give you something to cry about." I cowered from those words, it was no use, they still swam in my head like those of ten year old bullies on the playground. Worthless cow, worthless cow, worthless, worthless, worthless! I knew where to find comfort, with a tiny bundle laying in her crib. I picked up my sweet baby girl who was barely eight months old she was small for her age, pale, bald, and she never smiled but she was beautiful and she was my happiness. I gently lifted her up and into my arms, I pressed my cheek to hers and breathed in the smell of baby lotion. A single tear rolled down my cheek as I thought of how sorry I was that I was her mother, she deserved so much better. She deserved someone beautiful, healthy, and successful I wanted her to have the best which, sadly, I wasn't. I kissed her tiny nose and ghosted out of her room. I'd hate to wake her up too. I made my way soundlessly to our couch, sat in the dark and mentally berated myself for being so inconsiderate. "Couldn't let him sleep in peace; you ungrateful, lazy, ugly, fat ass. He could do so much better, anyone would be better than you." I agreed with myself, I knew how lucky I was to have a husband. Sure he talked to other girls, told them he loved them, and even hit on them in front of me but every marriage has its problems. I'm sure he'll come around eventually. I had to find some way to make him happy.... ******************************************** I knew my dick was big but damn, this bitch wouldn't shut up she just kept moaning and shouting as though she were in a fucking porno. "Oh! Andy fuck you're huge!!!" Her high pitched voice was annoying. "I know! Take it. I'm almost done." Watching the ceiling I tried to imagine someone else, to block out her voice. Close so close..... Throbbing, tingling, building, I imagined an hour glass figure tangled in my bed sheets, button nose pressed into my pubic hairs, full pink lips fitting snug around my shaft base, full curved ass arching against my stomach while I plunged inside a tight slick.....That did it. I pulled out and shot hot sticky ropes all over her flat dorsal skin. Then rolling over onto my back, "You need a ride home?" I growled at her. "No I have my car...... But I didn't cum." Pouting and whining? She looks like a fucking Chihuahua, I would rather fuck a real Chihuahua. "Maybe next time." There would be a next time, there always was. I'd never found a girl worth having around after sex they wanted to cuddle, or complain, or worse talk about themselves. Such cold heartless bitches. The only good thing about them, a warm, slick gash to fuck. They were all the same; boring, and self centered. No thank you. ************************************************ I couldn't move my head. Lifting trembling hands to my face I held the boulder that was once my cranium. God he hit so hard. The throbbing was the worst at my temples where he had connected with the pillow. (I know it doesn't sound like it would hurt but when some tennis shoes are tossed in it, it's a doozy. What had I done? "Are you kidding me?!!! Such a fucking pussy. I didn't even hit you that hard!" "Lu that really hurt." Tears were pouring down my face. I tried to open my eyes to gauge how angry he was. My lids barely shifted, searing white light and a sharp pain stabbed into my eye sockets. A mangled gasp tore from my mouth. "Are you hurt? Do you need to go to the hospital?" Was that a chuckle? He's mocking me!!! "No I'm fine it just stings a little." I was lying through my teeth, I wish I was bigger than him I'd hit him, I'd watch him cower on the floor. But I was small nearly half his size. I'd leave some day..... Someday soon I hoped. How could I though? My mind was at war with itself. He's my husband it's not right. I need to stay and put more effort into making this work. I can't just walk away from my marriage. I need to stay. I deserve better. What about our marriage? Who cares? "How am I supposed to get to the living room? You're taking up all the god damn room! I'll just walk over you, fat lump." I felt his work boot clad foot crape my back every lump of my spine caught the ridges of his boot. It burnt and stung I knew it would welt. I pressed myself into my dresser to make room for his enormous girth. Knobs pressed into my cheek, collar bone, and ribs. He had room now, that didn't stop him from crunching my fingers under his heel. They didn't break (thank goodness) but they did swell up. Lu wasn't a small man at 6'3", weighing over 300 lbs. He was an intimidating mass of fat and spiteful hate. He had dirty brown unkempt hair, scruffy face, and awful hygiene. He loved to sneer or smile overly wide when he was being an asshole (which was all the time). Cursing and making condescending remarks was his specialty. He had coarse ashy skin at all his joints and smelt of stale cigarettes. Gross! When he did wear cologne it was the cheap aerosol kind, he would spray continuously until it made his clothes damp. I choked on it at close range, the lingering sent left me nauseous for hours. If you had met me two years earlier you would've met a toned athletic dancer. I had deep brown hair to offset my blue eyes, I was short at 5'4" but my personality made me seem taller. I was smiley and friendly always finding something to laugh about. I kept myself clean and well-manicured in every definition of the word. I dabbled in tanning, a nice sun kissed glow was what I usually sported. I use to love being around people and making new friends. My High School friends always compared me to the energizer bunny, I kept going, and going, and going. I loved to stay healthy and enjoyed running in the early morning air, the crisp breeze in my face kept me energized through my whole run. But now my husband's negative remarks and abusive life style had taken its toll. He described me as short and pudgy, I had gained some weight after having my baby, and sometimes he likened me to the Michelin man's ugly sister. My hair was damaged at the ends and I had lost my bubbly personality. I no longer enjoyed being around other people I dreaded even walking down the street now. Were people looking at me and thinking I was fat and ugly too? Was I some major blemish on society's face? Being embarrassed to even exist was the new norm. I wanted to hide myself from the prying eyes of strangers. I wanted to die. Later that night I had to endure one of the rare occasions that happened during our marriage, sex, while far and few between it was awful. Lu usually started off by coming up behind me while I was washing dishes or cooking he'd fondle my breasts roughly, tweaking my nipples hard bringing tears to my eyes. "Go get naked, lay down on the bed and get yourself wet. I'll give you five minutes. I scurried to our room, there was no way in hell I was ever experiencing sex while dry again! It was bad enough without the added discomfort of not being lubed. Lu wasn't big he was just a brute, slamming himself in, in one thrust then hammering in like a jack rabbit after months of celibacy. Generally I would lie still, staring off to the side while trying very hard no to retch from the pain. On a good day I'd only have to endure ten minutes of Lu's blobby mass humping on top of me before being sprayed with his vile cum. But on a day when Lu was high on prescriptions it could last for hours. "Talk dirty to me bitch." Oh yay he was high. "Tell me about your sister and Maggie." Ugh! I hated this part. (Maggie was our mutual friend who had also been a Bride's maid in our wedding. As I started to degrade myself, my sweet baby started crying from the other room. The sound made my breasts swell with milk on top of the store I already had it ached to have him mashing my chest. "Please let me grab her and feed her? We'll pick where we left off as soon as we're done." "Shut up!" Grabbing me around the throat he picked up his damaging pace, "She can wait, you are going to finish me now." Her wailing intensified, the pitiful cries had my eyes misting over. I could tell her cry was a sad one. It broke my heart not to go to her when she needed me. "Please?! Please Lu can't you hear her? She's alone and hungry. Let me soothe her. No baby should be left to cry when they're hungry, please let me help her?" I desperately wanted to get to my baby "NO!" My airway was completely shut off. I struggled underneath him, tears spilling from the corners of my eyes. My hand came up to his, clawing to be free. Finally after eternal seconds he let my neck go. Glorious air filled my lungs. "Now, talk dirty to me. Or I'll find away to get off while you squirm under me, I like to choke you. Either way works for me." "Okay."Of course I agreed to tell him dirty stories. Whatever got him off faster. I felt so dirty lying under my husband and telling him raunchy sex fantasies about other women, knowingly letting him get off on the thought of someone else. As if that wasn't bad enough after pulling off the condom and spunking all over my sore mound he shoved the used rubber and it's wrapper up inside of me. ************************************* I had always wanted a woman in my life, a sweet and innocent lady to corrupt. Someone I could whisper dirty stories in her ear and watch her blush. I was going to find a hidden oasis in a dessert of nasty girls. I'd never admit it to anyone else but the main reason I wanted a good girl in my life? I needed someone to lean on in the hard times; I was tired of being strong and all alone. It would be nice to come home to a woman who didn't have her legs opened to a friend of mine, a woman I could leave alone and not worry about her getting knocked up by the mail man. Was that such a tall order? Were classy ladies so rare these days? I'd always believed in signs, not from God per se but in love ones passed. If a nice woman could come along and gave me some sort of sign I'd be happy. I wasn't even sure what kind of sign I wanted but I would know it when I saw it. I said a silent prayer to my passed mother "Please send a woman my way, a good girl to help. I'm so lost and alone. Please, please watch over me this one last time." Feeling mildly choked up from the emotions I trudged on with my day to day routine. Ugh. ****************************************************** My heavy head sunk into my pillow, a boulder meeting quicksand. Eyes burning from sleep deprivation, lids forcible pulled shut as my body shut down. Weightlessness carried me away scant moments later. Rocking, spinning, dizzy, so dizzy..... Then nothing as my dream took over. Walking down the sidewalk hand in hand listening to him speak, such a sad tone. My eyes lifted to his, wet with un-shed tears. I fought to embrace him, hoping for the chance to comfort him, a stern conscience demanding control and denying the romantic gesture. My hands did rebel, though not as much as they wanted to, giving his left bicep a reassuring squeeze. While my vision returned downwards studying our clasped hands, his clinging to mine in silent plea. "Don't leave me alone". My brow furrowed in confusion. Why was he so upset! Had I done something? Of course not! I would never hurt this gorgeous man! But what was wrong? His large hand lifted my chin, bringing my gaze back up with it. His tentative, failed smile broke my heart. The sound of it shattering was background noise to his deep tenor voice. "Thank you." Two words shocking my system, I'd FINALLY heard his voice! His actual voice, as clear as day. No wall and no muffle just beauty. "For what?" My soft, fragile voice whispered and inquiry back. "For this," he presented our braided appendages," I needed this." "Oh! Of course. I'm glad I could help." I felt Lu's over stuffed body roll out of bed. His clumsy movements screamed in my ears, intruding my dream and drowning out whatever gorgeous was going to say next. My conscious mind tried to grasp on to the dream, hold on to it through the semi alert moment. Searching for my dream man I wanted to stay with him, the feeling of security and content. Sadly the strain was in vain, I was ripped from my dream by Lu slamming drawers and finally the front door. Tears fell from my eyes in torrents, how could my heart ache for a man I didn't even know? Limbs shaking, stomach rolling with nausea I missed him. Mentally I was disgusted he wasn't my husband but I yearned for him like I never had yearned for Lu. Unbearable pain raked through my core, not physical pain but a deep aching as if my soul was crying out for my gorgeous man. I'd never believed in soul mates but suddenly...I wondered if this man could be mine. If he was, was he hurting like I was now? It would be selfish of me to let him suffer too. I needed it to end. Silently I prayed. "God, if the man I dream about is my soul mate and if he's hurting like I am now....." I felt my heart shatter. "Let him forget me. Let me forget him. Please, please take away my dreams. I can't stand dreaming of him and waking up to Lu. Make it stop." Crumbled on the dingy floor I cried, I cried until my eyes burnt, my stomach muscles a cramped from breathing so hard, and my head pounded from the emotional stress. I'd rather find my dream man; I'd rather be with him and feel real happiness again. I was too weak to leave Lu, too cowardly to go after true happiness. ******************************************** My body played sprawled across my bed. At 6'2" I ate all of the space up with my broad frame. Sleep still clouded my mind, I turned onto my back I stretched my built arms over my head, chiseled thighs did the same on the opposite end of my body. I heard padded feet enter my room. My five year old daughter was back from her mom's house. Rose was everything to me; her mother on the other hand was a whore. That dirty woman could rot in hell for all I cared. After coming home to her legs wrapped around another man's back I'd lost all tender feelings for the female gender, all but my precious Rose. "Daddy?" Rose's quiet whisper had me waking up faster. "Hmmm?" I barely grumbled out. "Ummm... Can I maybe watch Sponge Bob? Please?!!" "Of course baby." "Can I have cereal too? It's Saturday so I can have it right?" "Mmmhmm, do you need help getting it?" "Nope! I got it!" She was already halfway down the hall by the time she answered. Such a sweet girl. I'd given up everything for her. I would always sacrifice so she could have a better life. Already I'd been a single dad for three years, sole custody was entrusted to me after I found her mom doing heavy drugs. She only had visitation when someone was there to watch her like a hawk, which wasn't often. Deep down I had a nagging urge of trying to find someone new, a better woman who could be a decent mother. Never again! Loneliness is an easy price to pay to avoid the pain of betrayal. ************************************ I could've cried I was so happy, my body wasn't registering that command I was in shock. Lu had asked for a divorce. While overly relieved/ecstatic inside, I was also furious, what gave him the right? I'd given him everything he ever asked for and more, I'd treated him with more respect than he deserved, and I'd been devoted to being a perfect wife for him. Yet here he is having the audacity to say HE'S unhappy!!!!??? HE'S tired of fighting? HE'S sick of feeling like nothing is working??? What the fuck!? "I can't take it anymore, you made me move away from my family, and we got married so young because you wanted to...." (Bullshit)"and I miss being able to party. All the baby does is cry and I don't want to be a dad anymore or a husband. I just want to be me. You should thank me I'm only doing this for your happiness. I'm always thinking of you in the end," Lu was still whining? I didn't care I was making a mental list of everything to pack: make sure to call the family, leave all the wedding memorabilia, and find a place to stay, leave the wedding ring, and contact a lawyer. My mind was going on and on, battling if this was the right thing to do, always pitting leaving against not leaving. What about never wanting to get a divorce? He is a douche! I owe it to our daughter. You deserve better. I'm failing my marriage. It's the right thing to do. Is it? Let Fate Guide You Ch. 02 I couldn't get her out of my mind, a sweet little dirty blond haired girl with an hourglass figure and delicious pink lips. Last night I had dreamt of her, walking hand in hand on a side walk at night, she seemed so short compared to me. Oddly enough it wasn't the first time I had dreamt of her, I remembered a dream from when I was fourteen, I couldn't recall what exactly happened but I knew it was her. God I wish she was real. I could get lost in her body for days. What I loved most was how she presented herself, innocent and clean. Not some air headed fake girl pretending not to know when her cleavage was spilling out. But honest to goodness innocence she dressed modestly even pulling up her under shirt to try and cover her impressive DD rack. I bet she was one of those girls you could take home to meet the family without being embarrassed. Someone you'd wake up to and instantly want to pull into your arms. Forget the morning breath and the rumpled clothes! She'd be someone to spend the weekend with, watching stupid movies and cooking dinner with. Ugh! I couldn't think about her any more, my body was hard just thinking about her. My baby girl Rose was spending the weekend with her mom again. I hated it. Her mom was such a bitch! I'd married Sage at eighteen right after finding out she was pregnant. All my family had told me not to but my "fuck you" attitude didn't let me listen to reason. Almost instantly her real side showed through. Constantly running off to her friend's or her mom's staying weekends out with her girlfriends. It didn't take long to realize shed lied about being pregnant. Once she realized she wouldn't be allowed to party anymore she came clean about just wanting me to stay with her. After that it was a fast circle down the toilet bowl. I found out she was cheating on me but stayed with her. I was a fucking idiot. Her boyfriend was nice enough to call me and tell me what was going on while she was in the shower in our bathroom. I didn't really believe him until the next time she "went to her girlfriend's house" not fifteen minutes later I got a picture of her naked sucking her boyfriend's dick. And yet I still stayed with her. Weeks later she found out she was pregnant. I was so excited, so many thoughts of my impending fatherhood raced through my mind. The next words out of her mouth had me ready to explode. "I don't want you to have anything to do with MY baby." Her ugly face pinched with hautiness. "Are you kidding me?!" I couldn't believe what I had heard," that's my baby I'll take you to court you stupid bitch! You can't take my baby away." "I just want us to have some time apart, I feel so suffocated. I'm going to stay with my mom for a little bit." Apparently she had her mind made up. She bounced between our house and her mother's frequently. One day I was underneath her car giving it a tune up. Admittedly I'd seen a ton of accidents lately and wanted to do everything in my power to keep Sage and our unborn baby safe, I was a bit paranoid so I was double checking everything. "Hey I need my car! Do you wanna get your ass out from under there or can I run you over?" I saw her sneaker clad feet walking down our front steps. "How about you waddle over her, by the time you make it into the car I'll be done." Chuckling at my waddling remark, she was a petite girl and the pregnancy hadn't been kind to her tummy. She look like a Gardner snake who had eaten a watermelon. "Oh so fucking funny!" She shrieked at me. I saw her bend over my tool box. My knee cap exploded in excruciating pain, reacting to the agony racing up my body I smacked my head on the under side of the car, trying to reach down and check my knee. At this point I couldn't tell if it was attached still or not. "Is it so funny now you stupid fuck?!" I watched in stunned horror as the wrench she was holding came down on my knee cap again. On sensory overload white flashed in front of my eyes, my throat constricted on groans, and my leg was a kaleidoscope of screaming nerve endings. Stuck somewhere between not being able to move and seizing uncontrollably I eventually made it out from under the car. Looking around I saw Sage standing to the side inspecting her nails. "I swear to god if you ever come near me again, I'll fucking kill you!" Bile rose in my throat from the waves of torture, it was a miracle I could stay semi upright. "Whatever, are you done with my car?" Was this cunt serious? I hobbled away from her before I tore out her throat with my teeth. Once I made it inside I called the one person I knew who would be able to take me to the hospital asap. My best friend, my mother. Of course she had wanted to tear Sage's throat out with her hands, I guess you could say we're related. I hadn't seen Sage again until one morning around two a.m. she had shown up at my house drunk, and totting our screaming baby. "Take this." Almost throwing the squirming baby girl at me. I was all thumbs, this was the first time I had ever held her, I managed to cradle her to me anyways. Her soggy bottom poised on top of my left forearm. "What do you want me to do? I don't know what to do with a baby." "Well maybe if you had been around more you'd know huh?" "You took off! You didn't even tell me when you were in labor! How was I suppose to be in her life when I did know where she was, and just out of curiosity how do you know she's mine?" "Look I don't have time for this, I have some friends waiting for me at the bar. Do you want her or not?" Of course I wanted her. "Yes I want her. Are we doing visitation now?" "No she's all your's. I can't handle her any more, she cries and she's needy. I might want to visit her later but I can't be her mother." All she had for Rose was a diaper bag full of dirty clothes and diapers that were too small. I was overwhelmed, even I knew she needed more than this. What was I going to do? How was I going to take care of her on my own? I dialed my mom, even though it was early I knew she'd answer when I called. Her sleepy voice answered just before it could go to voicemail. "Hi honey! Are you okay?" "Mom? I need your help." "Baby are you alright? Where are you I'm on my way!" What an amazing woman,"I'm at home.... Can you run by the store and grab me somethings?" "If you are sending me on a condom run I'm going to kill you!" "No I need some diapers." Silence dominated the other line for a few agonizing seconds,"Ummm... Are you having problems with wetting the bed?" I smiled at her attempt at a joke. "No Sage just dropped off our baby. She gave her to me.... I don't have anything for her. II don't know what to do, I need a car seat, diapers, clean clothes, and food for her." Faced with a daunting task my voice had become shaky."Wwill you pppick up some stuff for me? Please?" Rose had one of my large knuckles in her mouth, suckling on it around yawns she nuzzled into my side. Head on my chest she started to doze off. Overcome with a longing to protect and care for her I hugged her close to me, heading inside my house we both cuddled on my couch waiting. I remember drifting somewhere between awake and asleep as Rose suckled on my index finger, my mother pulled into the garage then b let herself in. The first words or of her mouth still haunt me to this day,"That baby isn't your's." Pushing it out of my mind I set to work on taking care of my sweet baby. That had been one of the most hectic nights of my life, with the support of my own mother I had forged ahead and never looked back. ************************** "Lynn I don't know what to do, I feel like I gave up on my marriage, don't I owe him more? Maybe we could try marriage counseling or a minor separation. Oh I know! We could live apart and try dating, you know we never did that. Maybe he'll change maybe...." "I swear if you go back to him I'll disown you!" Lynn was fiery. As my second oldest sister she took it upon herself to be a friend and a pain in the butt. But I loved her so I guess it all evened out. "How can I just walk away? He's my husband! I have to do something, if I don't I'll always wonder." I could see her hands tighten on the steering wheel of her car. The click of the turn signal screaming in the tension filled silence. Finally she forced herself to respond,"You have done everything. You've tried and tried again, if your marriage can't be saved it isn't your fault. At this point it's his fault, he hasn't done anything for you! But I guess it makes sense to try everything." I didn't need her permission, I needed her support. The fact that she understood my reasoning helped. Picking up my phone I called Lu. "Hi honey! How are you?" His overly cheerful voice made me want to punch something. "Hey I was wondering if you were open to try marriage counseling?" Trying to sound polite I probably sounded like a machine recording. "I can't pay for that shit! When are you coming home? I'm tired of you playing games." Oh there was the husband I loved so much. "I know someone who'll do it probono. Does next Thursday work? And are you going to come up and see Jewlie? We'll be home all weekend so you're more than welcome to." "Fine, whatever. I don't know, I'm really busy." "Lu she's your daughter, don't you want to see her?" "She's a baby she won't even remember if I see her or not so why does it matter?" Wouldn't it matter to him? Wasn't it enough to just see her? "I think it's important for you to see her, what if we..." "Whatever! Be home Friday around noon. I'll see you then." Lynn looked at my phone like it had flipped her the bird. Parking her car we made our way ,with Jewlie in my arms, up to the pediatrician's office. My family had speculated about Jewlie's weight and appearance, they said she looked sickly and neglected. The doctor's report only confirmed what I had long assumed, Jewlie was malnourished. She had been born in the ninety-eight percentile now she was barely in the second percentile. That Friday Lu showed up but barely acknowledged Jewlie, he shot daggers at me. Then when he was leaving he had the audacity to say,"As my wife it's your job to take care of me, let's go park and I'll bring you back later." I knew he wasn't asking. A fire sparked inside of me."Ha!" I literally laughed in his face,"I wouldn't touch you now even if a judge court ordered it!" Walking away I held my head highs right up until I made it back inside, I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved over the toilet. He still scared the shit out of me. My cell phone vibrated with a text message. "That's fine, I have Maggie staying over this weekend anyways." I didn't believe it but that weekend I received a picture of Maggie kissing a man who looked exactly like Lu on what looked to be his bed. I shouldn't have cared but the picture made me physically ill. Bile rose in my throat. I was trying so hard to hold onto my anger, for some reason I couldn't manage it until after our next scheduled visitation. Again it was an hour of dirty looks, sexual innuendos, and demands of servicing him. The next day was our marriage counseling appointment, one hour before having to be there Lu called the conversation was short and to the point. Lu had moved over night, he had no intention of fixing our marriage, he wasn't going to pay child support, and the only way he was doing visitation was if I did all the driving. After that my moto became, "Fuck Lu!" ************** I wanted to sleep, I'd been drinking away my pain whenever Rose was at her mom's or with a babysitter. Barely able to function, last night I had been awful. I'd had nightmares all night, well one nightmare played on a continuous loop. My mother lay dead in the road, I ran to her checking for a pulse, breathing, any sign of life. My shaking hands rolled her to her back, tilting her head back I started CPR, pumping on her sternum I felt her ribs breaking under my palms. 1,2,3,4,5,6..... I was CPR certified remember the steps, C- Compressions 30 compressions per breath locking arms and pressing two inches down with all my body weight A-Airway open her airway by tilting her head back B- Breath give one full breath into an air tight mouth Repeat, Repeat, Repeat I knew I was crying but it didn't matter this was my mom I had to save her. "Help! Someone help us!" She still wasn't breathing. C A B "Please! Can anyone hear me! I need help!" I couldn't let her die, what would I do without her?! I'd be all alone, she's my beat friend! I won't lose her! I won't! Another rib broke under my hands the lumpy pieces shifted under my hands as I continued my compressions. In that moment I realized that no one was coming, no one was going to help. I'd have to give her CPR all night. All night, I couldn't stop. Can't stop. Never stop. Have to save her. Have to save her. My arms we getting tired and I was light headed from the breathing. I couldn't do this alone. "Help! Anyone! Please help me!" My voice started to break, I was going to lose my voice from screaming. C A B I checked for a pulse, studying her face for any change. What I saw made me want to vomit. Blood was running out of both nostrils, the corners of her eyes, ears, and the side of her mouth. I panicked, grabbing her shoulders I started to shake her lifeless body, jarring her around like a fish out of water. Ignoring the pain from my raw throat I managed to croak out one last plea, this time it was directed at my mother, "Please wake up, please don't leave me! Wake up! Don't die, you can't die! YOU CAN'T DIE!" My body jumped, I was instantly awake. Curling up on my side a sob was ripped through my throat. I smashed my face into my pillow hoping to banish the tears that were already trickling out of my burning eyes. This is why I drank, guzzling more each night hoping to avoid the nightmare. The only other dreams I'd had lately were forgotten as soon as I woke up. I knew they were good they had to be, I always woke up with a raging hard on those mornings. In the past few months I had only had a few good nights. I couldn't live like this any more. *************** "Try to focus. And be realistic. What do you want in a future life partner? Write down all the characteristics you want in the next man." My therapist had been trying to get me to do this exercise for weeks. I didn't want another man to touch me, not ever. Why couldn't anyone get that? "Both my sisters have already offered to fix me up with someone after I'm done being "cynical". Ugh! But I'm being cynical, or unrealistic, or melodramatic. I had trusted my husband to treat me right, love me, and share a happy life together. And I understand that life isn't all peachy keen all the time. But let's be serious the man was a monster!" "Not all men are the same. You can't be afraid of all men for the rest of your life." "What if I pick another man who is the same as Lu? I can't do it again. I can't go through that again. Why can't I just spend the rest of my life with my Jewlie?" "Don't you think your daughter deserves to see you happy? Doesn't Jewlie deserve to have some stable male role model in her life?" Of course Jewlie deserved a stable man in her life, but what if I failed again? What if I wasn't destined to have someone love me? Could I find someone who could love me now? "Can we try something different?" I was desperate to avoid that project at all costs. "What would you like to do?" Dr. April wasn't mean but she wasn't someone to be overly lenient either. I had to compromise. "What if I wrote a list of all the things I want in a "Prince Charming" a completely romantic and off the wall unrealistic list of a perfect man?" Beaming at me she asked,"And after we analyze that list you'll write a realistic list?" Of course I agreed. That night after I had written a list for "The perfect man" my sister asked to see my list. I was embarrassed, this was meant to be silly and resemble something out of a Disney movie. What if she laughed at me? Readying myself for the ridicule I knew was coming I handed her my list with my head down, hoping to hide behind my long hair. "This is the unrealistic list?" "Yeah." "Are you sure?" "Yes why?" What could possibly be wrong with it? I knew it was childish of me but I was entitled to some childish fantasies. "You want "someone who'll; love you for you, kiss you on the for head, kill spiders for you, will date you, loves Jewlie like his own, has brown hair, blue eyes, is a hard worker..." you do realize this is realistic right?" She had to be kidding me! Was this some sick joke? Of course I couldn't have all that maybe I could have one thing on that list but that would be it. "What do you mean? Like I could have a guy with with brown hair and one of those character traits?" "No you could have it all. In one guy! I don't understand how THIS could be your fairytale list." Jealousy boiled up in me, my oldest sister Marrisa sat on her couch tucked under the arm of her husband. Why couldn't I have that? Unable to control the frustration any longer I snapped on her. "Because no man could be like that. Any man who claims to be that amazing is a fairytale! Do you want to know what men are like?! They are selfish, brutes, who only want one thing!" Marrisa calmly got up and handed me back my list saying softly,"There are rare men out there who are worth the pain and hard ache. And if you're willing to fight for that man I know you'll get exactly who you want. The question is how bad to you want it and what are you willingly to do to get it?" Let Fate Guide You Ch. 03 Yay another chapter! Now that I've established some history I won't jump perspective as much. Please know I had written a warning but it didn't show up. This story is dark in places. So if you are put off by a realistic story this probably won't be for you. This story is true, the original individuals gave permission for their story to be told. All names identifying characteristics have been change to protect the identity of those people. Their story contains: foul language, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and sexual acts. Reader be warned. I haven't been able to use an editor recently so please forgive any errors. As always please enjoy, please feel free to vote and leave comments. T During my most recent therapy session Dr. April had said, "Whatever you want in a future companion you need to be doing for yourself first. For instance if you want a boyfriend who eats right, start eating right. If you want someone who works hard at his job, start working hard at your's. You can't expect everything from that person, your habits will attract that person." Of course I still wasn't ready for a new relationship, far from it actually, but it wouldn't hurt to work on bettering myself in the mean time. I started with working out regularly and eating better. Then I applied for a decent paying job, an interior decorating company was looking for an assistant for one of their designers. After about a week I started at that same company. I jumped at the chance to stabilize my life, Jewlie had the mornings with me and the nights with my sister I always came home hours after she had gone to bed. It broke my heart every night to see her fast asleep. But I was bettering our future and providing for her. I was alone, I had to make sacrifices. Two months in to this nrw routine my life had almost completely changed, I was toned, healthy, had my outgoing spark back, I was excelling at work, and I was content with my life for once. I'd even made a few friends all on my own. One in particular friend was Shaunette. She was a very curvy girl with a party attitude, she was the opposite of who I was trying to be but we got along perfect. My breaks and lunch hours were spent with her. I was anxiously waiting for the next half an hour to go by so we could head off to lunch. As I was organizing my supervisors station I saw a handsome man walk past, dressed in slacks and a dark blue polo I couldn't help but admire him as he walked past. Be was gone within seconds and I mentally chastised myself, "You're married! Even if you weren't it would still be another year before you would be dating!" As lunch rolled around I met Shaunette at our usual table for lunch. Recently she'd been having trouble with her boyfriend and had taken to complaining to me today was no different. "What I really need is an upgrade. A mature older man who will take care of me and treat me right." "Okay, and where are you going to find this sexy new man? Aisle ten at a grocery store?" I teased her. "Nope. I already found him." "What's his name!?" "I don't know." "Did you ask?" "We haven't talked yet." She avoided looking in my eyes. "I saw him the other day and I can't talk to him, he's gorgeous! He has an amazing ass and I'm too nervous!" "I'll talk to him for you." "Really?!" "Of course, I don't have any reason to be nervous so it wouldn't be a problem. You show him to me and let me handle it from there." A few days later my supervisor Jay was walking by she stopped to talk to me as I sketched out a wall design. "Hi beautiful!" "Oh hi Jay! What are you doing?" "Heading outside for some fresh air." "Ugh! I wouldn't it's freezing outside, why don't you stay inside?" I was still sketching, sparing her glances every few seconds. I didn't notice the figure who walked up beside Jay. "Oh I usually do but our new Sales Rep convinced me to go out for a smoke." I jerked my head up at that. Ever since my grandpa had died from a rough battle with lung cancer I'd always tried to encourage my smoker friends to quit, now somebody was coming in and ruining all my work?! I raised narrow eyes at the man in front of me,"You are a bad influence!" I growled the words before really noticing the man I spoke to. He was beautiful! His bright blue eyes winked back at me, he gave me a lopsided grin before replying. "Yes I am." He blatantly looked me up and down before turning to walk away. "Coming Jay?" She scampered off after him. I was left fuming! For the next twenty minutes I wrestled with anger at a complete stranger and full on lust at the way he had looked at me. My thoughts ran wild with images of him crushing his mouth against mine. By the time Jay walked back past me I had worked myself into a tizzy. "Hey Jay? Who was that you were with?" Smirking at me she answered,"His name is Andy. Hot huh?" "Oh please. I'm not interested you know I'm going through a divorce." I paused for a moment,"what do you know about him?" All too eager to spread her knowledge she divulged everything she knew so far. "Apparently you two would have a lot in common" I rolled my eyes at her. "He's divorced, just started here, and he's a single dad." That caught my interest she said more but I was too caught up in imagining Andy holding a baby, I was hot and bothered in seconds. "You're married! And even if you weren't..." Those same thoughts became my mantra, every time Andy popped into my thoughts I pushed them away forcefully. It would be another two weeks before I saw him again, when I did he looked like hell trudging into work, bags under his blood shot eyes, yawning every few minutes. "Andy?" "Huh?" His red eyes slowly scanned up to meet mine. "Andy are you high?!" I couldn't help but ask he looked like it. He laughed, "No, no I'm not. My little girl has been sick and last night was really rough for her. I didn't get much sleep." My heart melted. "I know how that is. Do you want an energy drink?" I pulled an eight oz can out of my purse. "You just carry energy drinks around with your? Are you a caffeine dealer?" He eagerly accepted my offer. "No I have a baby girl, she has night terrors and I usually don't sleep much at night. Most days I just sip on over sugared coffee but it didn't cut it this morning. I bought two cams thinking I'd need them both." "How old is your baby?" He had already finished the whole can. "Ten months. Your's?" "Five. I've got to go but good luck with your girl." "You too." I started to think that maybe Andy wasn't so bad after all, I wasn't interested in dating him but he'd make a great friend. That afternoon as I met up with Shaunette for lunch she was beaming and practically bouncing. Giving her a quizzical look she squealed back. "He's here!" "Where?!" I was caught up in her giddiness. "Over there!" Pointing behind a large vase I couldn't see anyone, I caught a glimpse of a well defined bum. "I don't see anyone." I stretched up on tippy toes to try and see, at my 5'4" height it didn't help much. Shaunette pulled me to the side a bit. "There. Tall, dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and look at that ass!!" I saw the back of a man now, from this angle he seemed cute enough. "Did you mean what you said before? You'll talk to him for me?" "Of course, I said I will and I will. Let's eat and I'll head over after we're done." We moved to our table in front of the floor to ceiling windows. Shaunette kept her eyes trained on the man behind my right shoulder, I watched her swoon and avert her gaze at the appropriate times. "Stop staring!" I swatted her shoulder lightly, "he'll think you're a creeper." "Fine." Her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. After we ate I went on my way to find this gorgeous man, turning the corner I almost walked right into Andy. "Are you stalking me?" I teased him. "Ha! No. I'm actually on my way out. What are you doing?" "I'm trying to find a hot guy my friend has a crush on..." Walking past him I scanned the front entrance and open offices, not seeing anyone new or mildly interesting I went back to my work ignoring everyone else for the rest of the day. As I closed down Jay's office Shaunette had found me again. "Well what did he say?" "I didn't find him, sorry." "What are you talking about? You were talking to him right after lunch." "Oh! You like Andy?! Shit if I had known it was him I would've talked to him sooner." "Andy? You know more about him than I do." "Yeah I didn't really like him at first but he's grown on me now." Shaunette eyed me with a squinted glare. "Hey lady I called dibs!" "Wow chill. You can have him, I'm so not interested." "So go get his number." Her insistency was getting annoying. "Okay, jeez." Leaving I didn't give much thought to Andy or Shaunette. Tomorrow was my day off and I was going to spend it with my Jewlie baby! ************************** I'd just started at an inter design company. One of the supervising designers was showing me around when a nicotine craving hit me hard. "Hey Jay when do we get breaks?" "Tired already? I thought a big guy like you would have some stamina to him." Her innuendo didn't escape me. "No I'm feigning for a cig." "Alright come with me. I just want to stop by my office, I just got this new assistant and she's adorable! She probably brings in more male clients than I've ever had before." Turning the corner into Jay's office I saw a cute blond leaning over the table sketching, stepping off to the side I got a clear view of her short hour glass figure. "You are a bad influence!" Her blue eyes glared into mine. Her sassy posture had me urging to fuck her up against the desk shee had been leaning on. "Yes I am." I looked my feel of her large breasts, tiny waist, and full hips my eyes continued all the way down to her mini feet. Licking my lips as I turned away I called for Jay, "Coming Jay?" We walked along side each other outside, sitting on a bench outside I lit up, taking a long drag of the bitter cancer stick I asked, "Who was that?" "That's my assistant! Isn't she adorable?!" Jay was gushing but I wasn't listening much. She said something about a divorce and a baby girl, I assumed she was talking about me. Nodding my head absentmindedly I tried to plan how to get that tasty assistant into my bed. Heading home I picked Rose up from my cousin's house, every time I saw him o wanted to kill him. That bastard was the one who had helped Sage in cheating on me. Taking Rose home we cuddled up after dinner to watch a TinkBell movie, she laughed, I laughed, we had a good life together but I still wanted more. A while later Rose caught a nasty cold, one night she was up coughing so hard she threw up constantly. I held her long curly hair and rubbed her back until she was done. Afterwards she curled up in my bed sweating, coughing, and smelling of vapor rub. I almost called into work that morning, instead I drug my feet through the front doors, my blurry eyes barely saw the cute assistant as she called out to me. She asked if I was high. I could've kissed her right then. Even on my worst day she found away to make me laugh, who was the girl? Telling her about my daughter she handed me an energy drink, what a god send. Looking at her hand I saw her wedding ring, I bet her husband was perfect he had to be to find a jewel like her. Lucky bastard. Although I knew she was married it didn't stop my body from wanting her, and she conveniently seemed to pop up where ever I was, never noticing me. I saw her laughing with a bigger girl at a lunch table almost everyday, another day I saw a man hit on her as he walked away she discreetly threw away his phone number. Wow a loyal wife, some guys had all the luck. She was always smiley, peppy, and had an enthusiasm that was contagious. More often than not I made sales after a couple had met her, snippets of conversations would reach my ear, "the assistant seemed confident and she was so lovely. Not like those other ones." Or, "I could make a habit of coming here to finalize plans she makes it go so smooth." And, "Dude she was hot! Just do it, then we get to see her all the time!" I ran into her another time just for her to ask if I was stalking her! That day I noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. Before closing I made a side trip to Jay's office as her assistant was out. "Hey Jay? Do you have a minute?" "Hmmmm... I guess I could make some time for you. How will you make it worth my while?" She winked at me. "I'd offer to take you home with me but what would your husband say?!" She cackled at that. "Actually I had a question about your blond shadow." "Ugh! You and every other red blooded man." I didn't doubt that at all. "She isn't wearing her wedding ring anymore, did she lose it?" "Lose it? No, I bet her ass hole husband finally gave her a divorce. She was working on finalizing it when she started here. Poor girl works so hard to stay chipper." How interesting, there might be a shot with her after all. "So she's single then?" "Yes but she isn't looking to be in a relationship." "Who said anything about a relationship? I'd just love to entertain her for a while." "I'm sure. But there are plenty of women for that, if you aren't going to stick around you leave her alone. She's been through enough heartbreak already." "Who said I'd break her heart?!" I was only slightly offended. "I can see your kind from a mile away. You have heart breaker written all over you. Tall, dark, and handsome and a wrangler butt to boot!" "Alright I'll leave her alone. You know Jay some people would take your words as sexual harassment." I winked at her as I walked towards her door to leave. "If I was harassing you I'd say mush worse things than that! I could tell you things that would make the devil blush!" Her cackling laugh trailed out after me. Weeks passed before I saw the little minx again, I was shopping for a small plant for Rose when I heard her familiar voice, "What about this one pretty girl? Do you like it? Ooohh smell it honey! Mmmm it smells delicious." It sounded like she was talking to a puppy. Following her tinkling laugh I saw her squatted down in front of a stroller holding out a lemon leaf to a baby girl who cooed and giggled back. "Mmm that's yummy. Should we get it?" Her back side looked yummy. "Well hi!" I said. She stiffened up before slowly turning, once she saw me she visibly relaxed. What a weird reaction. "Oh Andy! Hi! What are you doing here?" She stood up handing the leaf to the baby who sniffed it vigorously. "Buying something for my girl. Are you babysitting?" "No, this is my daughter Jewlie. We're looking for a something to liven up our rooms." Daughter? I thought she was kidding when she said she had a kid this girl looked barely old enough to be out of High School but she had to be at least twenty to work where we did. "How old are you? And while we're at it what is your name?" She blushed deep red then. Maybe she had forgotten that I never introduced myself. "I just turned twenty... And my name is Tirrany." "Andy." I reached out my hand and she shook it, her hand was so soft and delicate looking compared to mine. "And who is this?" I squatted down towards her baby, the little girl reached up a chubby hand with the crumpled leaf in it I made a show of smelling it letting out a loud, "Aww!" The baby giggled and kicked her feet. "This is Jewlie." Tirrany petted her daughter's mostly bald head the blond peach fuzz fluffed up under her fingers. "I was meaning to ask you... Do you think I could get your number? I gently pinched Jewlie's cheek, she in turn gave me the crumpled leaf I tucked it into my shirt breast pocket and thanked her. Turning towards Tirrany I asked, "For what?" "Remember that friend I told you about? It turns out she has a crush on you. I was seeing if I could get your number for her..." I could've been over joyed her "friend" wanted my number, which meant she wanted it but was too shy to ask. Why was she being shy now? "No. I think if someone wants my number they have to ask me in person for it." Of course I was just teasing her. "I'll tell her that then." Before I could give it to her she surprised me by walking past me. Looking over her shoulder she said, "Well we have to be going, I'll see you at work?" "Yeah, don't be a stranger." Fine. If she wanted to play games I'd make her work for my number. "I won't." With that she left. Rose was at her mother's again that night and that left me alone with a bottle of booze, for once in a long time I chose to forgo drinking. I was plagued by nightmares again that night, the only saving grace was a short dream of my angel. Her small body lay on my chest, I stroked her blond hair wishing I could see her face. Let Fate Guide You An icy hand dug into my heart, all systems failed, my breathing picked up pace like a horse at the derby. My limbs weren't working they had short circuited the only commands getting through were minor quivers and jumpy muscle spasms. I was scared. Terrified! Horrified! Suddenly I didn't want him to leave. What would I do without him? I couldn't function without him telling me what to do. I'd have to relearn how to live on my own. The hours flew by; I was in a numb trance. I watched him walk out of the door for work like nothing was wrong. "I love you." Ugh! What an ass hole! Packing went a lot faster and before I knew it I was safely tucked away with my family. Like a baby bird returning to the nest after surviving a hurricane. I didn't cry, not once. My family theorized that I'd been dying a little inside each day. But in all honesty Lu was ripping me apart; with his words and more often than not with his own hands (literally). But inside it was like he had shredded my heart, each time it would repair itself becoming harder in order to protect itself, eventually I had enough layers to block out any unwanted feelings, I became bitter. I despised myself. It only been a week since I'd come to live with my sister, that was all it took to realize I was sick, mentally. I opened up, telling my family how I felt about life, about myself, and ended up asking them to help. I knew something had to change, and I hoped it would be for the better. I had to tell the doctors I was crazy; I recalled the paranoia I suffered whilst outside, anxiety of judgment, and the self-loathing I could never escape. I knew I was crazy. I told the nurse I wanted to constantly kill myself and her, for merely being in my presence I felt she was suffering just by looking at me. They had locked me in a secure room. With a guard by the door, the window reinforced internally by wires, a bare padded bed, and all the corners had been smoothed into perfect curves. They had me strip down, even relieving me of my stud earrings. I was given a gown with Velcro instead of ties. I was completely covered yet I felt naked, bare to anyone who walked by my holding cell. The looks of the medical personnel where mixed; hers was disbelieving, his pity, hers angry. No one spoke to me just stared at me through the window and whispered, I couldn't hear them anyways, the added precaution was humiliating. Once the psychiatric evaluation started it took four doctors to complete. The first entered, I honestly believing he thought I was an attention whore, he asked short/clipped questions and never really looked me in the eyes. He had an air about him that screamed arrogance and indifference. The second was very kind I ended up feeling nervous around him, maybe he reminded me of the best friend I had, had years previously whom I had been able to talk to about anything. Although I felt more vulnerable towards him I refused to cry. He too overly understood and suggested keeping me for a three day evaluation complete with a medication detox.... That changed my mind, perhaps he had other motives. The third man scared the shit out of me. He commanded attention he was massive in every definition of the word. Built wide in the muscles department and lacking much fat. He sat in the simple stool across from me (It was brought in by a nurse when a doctor entered and disappeared right behind them. Did they think I was going to off myself with a foot in a half tall pedestal on wheels? I wasn't THAT creative.) I was afraid it was going to break under the sheer girth of his thick thighs. However it was made of sturdier stuff, I wasn't. He was so tender, showing me his suicidal scar grotesquely marring his neck. The flood gates opened while I talked with him. He mentioned antidepressants and an anxiety pill, I wholeheartedly agreed. By now I was overly drained. Falling asleep with my eyes open was a real threat. The fourth doctor was a god send, she not only sympathized she also cut through my sleepy brain when she said," Your husband sounds like a douche bag, in my personal opinion he should have been a mess on a sheet." I decided I loved her at that moment! What a woman! I felt a spark being rekindled the longer I was in her company. My fire was coming back; I was going to become a fighter again. No matter what.