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Jimmy the Frog

By: Egmont Grigor



CHAPTER 1

Radio talkback host James Froggatt ran the 1:00 am to 5:00 am 'Sleepless in Orion Show' transmitted by an obscure radio station in Indiana, well north of Indianapolis. After finishing that shift on this day he understandably yawned his way through the early morning emergency meeting called by station manager Doug Hart. Personnel were asked to take another 20% pay cut, the second in six months.

"If I don't get your cooperation I close the station," Doug warned. "Our investors are very unhappy."

The station's second more popular broadcaster with the public, Wendy Oates, who presented 'Talking Sweetly' weekday afternoons 1:00 pm to 5:00, said she was quitting, and walked out. Doug's shoulders slumped until someone called, "I'll take that girly spot." The shoulders slumped even more when he realized the volunteer was James Froggatt, known since his schooldays as Jimmy the Frog.

Someone called "Let him do it Doug as none of us will. You can run continuous music for the sleepless 1:00 to 5:00 am."

Doug said he accepted the offer and James said he'd snatch some sleep and be in the booth by 12:55. He began broadcasting without being introduced.

"Good afternoon everyone. Your customary host Wendy Oates is no longer on the payroll. Although she's sixty I wonder if her reason for leaving is associated with a pregnancy rumor. I'm James Froggatt, known in Orion as Jimmy the Frog and I'm here to take your calls and to ramble on a bit. First could we have some calls from those of you who regret the passing of Wendy and hate having me on your precious show that I'm renaming 'The Light and Fuzzy Show." The format is changing to racy and irreverent and if you don't like it too bad, but give it a go. Listen to two sessions to give me time to settle in. I reckon I will have grabbed you by the short and curlies by the end of session two."

James looked up to see Doug outside the glass booth slapping his hand against his forehead looking as if his short and curlies had been jerked.

A call from a weeping woman came through. "I am so sad that Wendy has passed on."

"She's just quit and left the studio ma'am."

"That's what I meant."

"Oh, I'm so stupid."

"Yes you are asshole. Get off the air."

James heard a very loud noise from outside and assumed that Doug had fallen on to his sword, er face, unconscious.

"You have indicated you are stupid but I'll give you a chance to prove you are not an asshole."

"Thank you ma'am."

"How can I have my afternoon asleep when smooth-voiced Wendy is not broadcasting?"

"We are about to run some advertisements sir. They will put you to sleep."

Doug burst in during the ad break, his hands working in throttling fashion. "Are you attempting to bring down this station single-handedly?"

"Ease off boss. Give me two sessions. I aim to be the best thing this station has ever had. Within a week you'll be signing the first station wishing to take the feed of my show and by the month's send we will have a regional uptake, with people all over the state listening in."

"Two sessions you say? Okay, and then when you have had that time to bring this station down you cannot expect severance pay."

"Your confidence in me is overwhelming boss." 

Almost at the end of the show the call-ins had become far more positive.

"Like you style Jimmy."

"Keep it up Mr Frog. Women like that."

"Perhaps you are not an asshole."

"Does your mother have recipes of interest to us Mr Frog?"

After 5:10 James yawned his way to his favorite bar. The hard-faced bar owner said she would buy him two drinks and her barfly patrons clapped and wished James well.

James asked incredulously, "You guys tuned into WIIK?"

"Yeah," sniffed Margo. "We did it for a laugh and got one when that woman called you an asshole. But when I went to change stations these goons here threatened to rebel. You did great Jimmy."

James (25) lived with his mother Marion and she greeted him with a big hug and said, "Keep your nerve darling; you'll win through. I've written out my recipe for rice pudding and the directions. Tell your caller I inherited that recipe from my mother."

Later that evening Melinda Brooks (now Melinda Hudson) called and invited James out for a drive. "John is playing squash so I thought I should have a bit of exercise as well," said Melinda. James had spent two years trying to seduce her at their first year at college together. She purred, "I'm taking you parking; you are so cool."

James got the tiny tits out and found they were connected to normal size nipples, so was not disappointed. Just as Melinda had pulled out his dick and was sinking on to it, she said, "You are going to make it as a DJ Jimmy, as sure as I know how to suck cock."

Jimmy's eyes rolled so far back into his head ten minutes later he was scared his eyeballs would never re-appear.

"How was that?" Melinda asked with professional aplomb. The sight of her licking cum into her mouth and watching juices drip off her chin was more than Jimmy could endure. He shot another steam across her face and she cooed, "Good boy but keep up hard; there's more to come."

Next afternoon James ignored the station directive to call his show the James Froggatt Show. "Hi everyone. Five of you folk out there had the decency to write telling me my start yesterday was okay but I needed to improve. The writers wished me well and all five said they knew I could do it. Well I just stood, opened letters in my hand, and cried. Yes folk, I blubbered like a kid. I noticed four of those five letters were addressed to Jimmy the Frog. [bleep] Froggatt, welcome everyone to the Jimmy the Frog Show."

"Hi Jimmy, what was the bleep for?"

"I used the F-word."

"Hi Jimmy, love the name of your show. Live up to it won't you or else croak. Heh-heh-heh."

"Listen asshole, I suggested yesterday you read out a recipe from your mom and..."

"Okay bitch, got pencil and paper? It's for 1920s rice pudding and mom says it came from her mother and I would guess from her mother's mother. Ready bitch?"

"Yes Jimmy."

He read out the recipe and directions and said he would read out a recipe from his mother on the first Monday of the month, so no more calls on that theme. "Nobody makes food from recipes these days. Apart from my mom and this bitch, everyone has take-outs or eats at restaurants."

Within five minutes the station's switchboard was overloaded with calls. Doug, red-faced and giving James an obscene gesture with two fingers was at the window screaming.

"No more calls people. My kind-hearted boss is coming close to having a coronary because our advertising people can't telephone out trying to drum up business. So please, no more calls than these ones already in our system until I say so."

"Asshole, I rarely eat at restaurants because most have filthy kitchens and breed cockroaches and take-outs poison the body with the muck they stick into them."

"What's your first name caller?"

"John."

"Well John let me tell you this. My mom orders our takeouts from Emmy's Take-outs on Saxon Street here in Orion. Emmy is a friend of mom's and I went through school with Rona her daughter who now works with Emmy. I'd trust those two with my dick."

James looked out to see two females helping Doug to a chair; one was loosening his tie and the other ran to the water cooler.

"Listen folk," Jimmy said. "You can easily tell whether the food at a restaurant or from a take-out place is good; conduct a study next morning when you are on the john. If you are groaning more than usual, that's a sign. If you are really loose, that's a sign. Don't ask me to interpret those signs for you on public radio. I always return to that restaurant after I crap well next morning. It's a better endorsement than that restaurant running a $10,000 advertising campaign about food control and its cleanliness."

"I love it," thrilled a woman. "Jimmy you are so disgusting but are so deadpan about it. You are invited to check me out in the bathroom any time you wish."

"Sorry darling, my contract with this station prohibits me from making house calls. Continued good luck with your morning bathroom deposits."

"Young man, you are a total disgrace talking to us like this."

"Fine ma'am, switch to a rival station."

"Oh I can't do that. I have to listen for the next occasion when you'll disgust me."

"Right ma'am. You sound elderly. Remember when you shop, extra soft paper for the bathroom."

"Young man, Jimmy the Frog is a ridiculous name."

"Yes ma'am, and what is your first name?"

"Inocencia."

"Ma'am," Jimmy laughed. "You are responsible for giving us the joke of the day. Well done and have a lovely evening. May I point out to new listeners my real name is James Froggatt and in 4th grade a smart-ass kid called Bug-Eyes dubbed me Jimmy the Frog and it's been my nickname ever since. Bug-Eyes happens to be mayor of our town."

By Friday Doug had signed three contracts from other stations wanting to take the Jimmy the Frog Show feed. Rather impressed, Doug told James, "This take-up is good for your ego but I'm telling you it won't last. You'll be history within two weeks, probably rotting in jail for calling prim lady listeners bitches."

"You attend to sharpening your row of pencils Doug and keep me on free rein. Oh, I'll be announcing on Monday ads on my show carry a 400% premium on our ratecard prices for my slot. Please advise the advertising department."

"You are exceeding your authority."

"Doug, listen old chap. I'm working to save your ass and everyone else who works here. Just don't interfere. Understand?"

"Yes James."

Driving home James saw the long line of people waiting outside Emmy's Take-outs and a van driver and assistant hauling in additional supplies. He grinned and later that night after closing Emma called him over for a drink. Emma wanted to give him a handful of money but James said no, money would corrupt his personal broadcasting standards. Emma showed enterprise by asking James to kneel down in front of her and she lifted her skirt and called her daughter. Although they both smelt of garlic and onions, James accepted the invitation and tore into them both. Emma was so grateful saying she was rather short on fucks these days and she repeated being so appreciative for the boost to business they'd received from Jimmy the Frog. She went off to clear away tadpoles.

On Saturday morning James' mom was baking, and sent him to the supermarket for backing powder and brown sugar.

Some crazy woman shouted, "It's Jimmy the Frog." It was one of his mother's friends and he was mobbed – well, nine women pressed in around him seemed a mob to James. They all claimed they enjoyed the show including those who possibly didn't listen to it as they looked vague but then James knew women got that look when shopping, especially elderly women. He asked the women what they liked about the show and they all had different opinions, which is about as reliable as buying professionally conducted research. 

After James had been on the afternoon show for a month, it's advertising running three times ahead of revenue for all other shows excluding the 6:00 to 9:00 am show, he was being hailed by station personnel as a hero. Doug was virtually licking James' hand and announced salaries would return to normal. He took James aside and said 92 stations were now taking the feed for the Jimmy the Frog show including fifteen from out of state. He increased James' salary, tripling it. "Our investors, who are my wife's father and two of his pals, are back playing poker with me again and my wife is back to sleeping with me again, wink-wink," he beamed.

Two months went by and Jimmy had the following he'd hoped for. A journalist from a national magazine specializing in TV and Radio station insider news arranged with Doug to interview James.

"God, you're handsome, not one of the usual geeks with glasses and long side-whiskers," she said, signaling her inner turmoil by sweeping a hand over her left breast. Kate's photographer took shots of James during the last hour of his show and while she interviewed James. The photographer returned to New York without her when Kate booked into a hotel and invited James to have dinner with her.

"My girlfriends know me as Asshole Kate, wink-wink," she said, watching James intently while chewing her chocolate desert. One-course James sipped his black coffee.

"You have lovely hair," James said, seizing on the only thing about Kate he could see worth praising. 

Very plain Kate was tickled by such praise. "Please stay the night with me and learn why I have earned my nickname." she said.

At the airport next morning they kissed and James patted Kate's butt reverently.

A fortnight later red-faced and panting, Doug held up the feature story on James Froggatt of the 'stupendously new show in regional radio called the 'Jimmy the Frog Show now being fed to 501 radio stations that have cancelled their own slumbering afternoon shows'.

During an ad break Doug came in. "Is this huge for us or is it what?"

James asked with concern, what 501 stations are taking their feed?

"Inflated, we now have 209 stations taking the feed but a bit of exaggeration doesn't hurt and as you know no one checks on such claims."

James didn't know that. 

Soon after that he arrived to prepare for the show and Doug cornered him. "How would you like to live in LA?"

"I often dream about buttocks on the sidewalks there."

"Well I can sell your contract to talk radio KLUG for enough cash for me to buy out our investors to achieve my dream of owning my own radio station. KLUG is only a small station in a highly competitive market and needs a power-host like you. You remain in the 1:00 to 5:00 slot and we will take the feed so our listeners won't notice you are no longer broadcasting from here unless there are one of the ones not stupid."

"Sounds okay in principle."

"You don't have principles. Right, we fly there in the morning at their expense, take a look around and after a wet lunch return home, hopefully me with a contract signed in one pocket and a big check in the other."

"Sounds okay. Mom wants me out of the house because too many women are visiting and screaming from my bedroom."

"Well, that's the price of fame and the lure of a froggy stick. You won't experience that in LA because the market is too competitive and everyone there wants to talk and not listen and the women seduce men on drugs or with tats and gold chains around they neck."

Three weeks later, James' tearful mother farewelled him at the airport and he began work in LA next afternoon. No one else was there to say goodbye because at Doug's request no one was to know he was leaving. That of course saved Doug hosting a farewell party.

* * *

"Hello everyone, this is the new guy from the Midwest, James Froggatt whose job it is to help put you into your afternoon nap. This is the Jimmy the Frog Show broadcast by KLUG in LA. KLUG sounds like a brand of beer, doesn't it? Yummy. Thinking yummy I must say my first impressions of LA are ass and tit. They are swinging and poking out everywhere you look, including on horse-faced women with no tit or sculptured ass worth looking at. It must be a culture thing. Wanna talk about it?

"You hick from Hicksville calling our women horse-faced. Go back to Hicksville."

"Aw, come on Charlie. You over state the case. Some horses have pretty faces."

"Jimmy please go back to Orion, Indiana. I'll pay you a thousand bucks to return."

"Hi Jackie, obviously you are in PR on a rival station. I bet you have a fat ass."

"Jimmy our talk hosts are civilized people. Could you listen and take a page out of their books?"

"Thank you Claudette but I fail to see why I should follow the pack. Those jerks probably can't read so it's no use talking about books."

James looked up to see the station executives looking through the glass at him gravely.

"Hold calls for ten minutes folk. I'm calling in someone working in our station to come in and talk to me. Babe – yes you in the white suit." 

The executives outside listening to the broadcast looked at their PR manager and she was told to heed the call.

"Everyone, here we have a hot woman I'll talk to, and by hot I mean sexy. Put that headset on darling, sit and relax and answer the question. What's your name honey?"

"F-Faye W-Wilson."

"Nervous are we darling? I thought wenches in PR were hotshots that operated as communication specialists?"

"This is unscheduled."

"All the better darling. So here we have Faye Wilson, head of PR on KLUG. I can tell you, I wouldn't mind a few KLUGS of Faye. Faye so you have nice boobs?"

"That's judgmental, not something I can competently answer."

"Well take your jacket and shirt off Faye and allow me to be the judge."

"You can't mean that; this is so embarrassing."

"Radio is TV without pictures sweetheart. None of our listeners – that is if we have any – will see you. I'll pant in various intensities so they can judge what they are missing."

"Faye, lock the door. Here comes the station manager fuming. God, her moustache is better than most men's lip fungus."

"Thank you Faye. Good soundproofing here – look at the bitch screaming but we can't hear her."

"Oh god, what have I done?"

"Delivering the performance of your life I shouldn't wonder Faye."

At that stage people around LA and beyond were calling friends to tune into KLUG.

Faye, now gathered, said, "I cannot believe you are for real."

"As real as a yokel from Orion Indiana can get Faye. Feel this to find that I'm very real. You smut lovers out there, no it wasn't that; I was pointing at Faye to feel my heart."

"Oh god."

"Good girl Faye. It's a very smart jacket with gold buttons. Female admiral of the fleet wouldn't look better than Faye does now. Okay there goes the jacket, placed tidily on the back of her chair and off comes the shirt. Her fingers are shaking. Oh god, why were you hiding those for Faye? A cast should be made of them for Los Angeles Museum if indeed culture has reached this Flip Flop city yet. The bra is just managing to do the job and is thin material in multi colors of red, green and orange. Tell me Faye, why don't you show tit, as did some many of LA women I saw walking the streets of Flip Flop City last night? I know half of them were retired hookers because what else is there for women to do here? The thousands of hookers and the other half who might not be hookers were all showing tit."

"Mr Froggatt, please don't speak so unkindly about our beautiful city that I love so much and as for tit, boob is better and breast is the word you should be using."

"Fine I hear you. Waggle them at me Faye. Agh, agh, agh. Oh FAYE!"

James looked out and could see vice-president Andrew Lucas he'd met three weeks ago was holding back the station manager who was practically foaming at the month. The VP's phone went. He spoke, looked at James and ended the call. The VP spoke to the station manager and they both gave James the thumbs up.

The ad run had finished and Faye was sitting back in her seat, pouting, with her shirt back on.

"Okay, you guys out there are listening to Jimmy the Frog. Faye darling, drop your skirt for me please. I promise I won't have a heart attack. I just want to see if you have a butt worth waggling along whatever you call your main street. Being snobby Flip Flop city it's bound to be called something boulevard."

"I'll drop my skirt if you promise to call our dear city Los Angeles or even LA."

"Yeah, yeah. Set me panting darling."

"Ohmigod. Arf, arf, arf. Oh FAYE! Waggle those hips as you turn around darling. Oh [bleep]. Voff, voff, yoff."

Faye was now excited and was keen to spoof. Sitting back in her chair she said, "Are you okay Mr Froggatt? Here, let me help you up off the floor. Oh dear, I grabbed your zip instead of your belt. It was a genuine mistake. OH MR FROGGATT!" 


Jimmy the Frog



"Cover your eyes baby. You are too innocent for this. Well we have more ads coming up that help pay for this nonsense. You have been a good sport Faye and I assure LA if the city does have any uptight listeners Faye didn't lay a finger on me nor I on her. This was just my way as a hick from Indiana of doing an investigation to personally find if any woman on our staff was good enough to swing ass and ti... er breast on the streets of LA. Faye as you can guess was hidden behind tailored white linen, but when she uncovered for me I can vouch she got triple-A rating for her top two and the rating for ass shattered our ass-meter when the reading went off the top of the dial. Here are more ads. We want you to love our advertisers otherwise I'll be shipped back to Indiana in a cage. When we come back we'll take some calls on the subject should this city be called Flip, Flop, Los Angles or City of Too Many Hookers? Okay on you way Faye – no I don't want you to show me how artfully you can strip. Arf, arf, arf."

Faye unlocked the door and vice-present Andrew Lucas said, "Great tits Faye. Jimmy, shake my hand. We've been told a quarter of Flip Flop has tuned into you. You are presently King of the Airwaves. We have our attorney's dealing with the broadcasting complaints and standards authorities. Man you are good. We want you to interview a chick for the first hour every Monday, but the chick of our choice."

"Okay boss. Make Faye my program manager will you. Throw bucks at her until she says yes."

"Anything you say Jimmy."

"James."

"No, you are now Jimmy Frog off air."

"Okay. Oh, rack up advertising rates for my show will you. We ought to be worth three times the peak morning rate."

"I don't now about three times but I'll get our people working on it Jimmy."

Jimmy had finished the show and was having a shower when Faye walked in.

"Oh god Jimmy, I've seen smaller ones on a horse."

"Something to get your teeth into, right baby?"

He was ignored. "I'm now working for you. Mom wants you at her place for dinner tonight."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't want you sniffing around me until she has approved of you."

"Oh, okay."

"I thought I'd have to fight you to get you to agree."

"No, it's a reasonable request for any mother to make. In fact it's a standard all mothers should impose."

"God Jimmy – we are all to call you Jimmy now – you are so different."

"It's an illusion babe. One you get used to me you'll think I'm just like all the rest – only interested in you for your body."

"Aren't you Jimmy?"

"No I like your style and your brain better."

"Oh Jimmy!"

"Get away from me Faye – you know the rule your mom has imposed on you."

Jimmy eyed the woman's plastic face, although it could have been an excessive coating of make up. "Good evening Mrs Steinway-Wilson."

"Please call me Pamela. You will remember me from my films."

"No."

"You must?"

"I never read the credits or go to movies unless on a hot date. Where you in Hollywood mainstream, film festival circuit or porn?"

"Hollywood but I wish I had made it to the top in that other category?"

"You mean porn?"

Pamela appeared to be chewing her cud. "Faye said you tease excessively?"

"Well it's not my fault; there is so much about women to tease."

"And she said you could be revoltingly rude."

Jimmy grinned and told Pamela she was a real flatterer.

Faye came down dressed in sexy silk and they went in to dinner.

As the two women stood on the landing to farewell Jimmy, Faye said, "Do I have your permission to fuck him mommy if that moment should arise?"

"Oh yes darling. And when you've finished with him pass him on to me. He's such a rogue."

"Did you hear that Jimmy?"

He turned and said yeah.

"When will it happen?"

"Neither of us should try to make it happen; just let it happen. It will be so memorable if we do."

"Oh god," Pamela said, clutching at the door-frame for support. The boy should be writing film scripts."

On Friday of that first week, a story under Jimmy's photo in the LA Times was headed, 'Frog From Midwest Commands Afternoon Radio.' The statistics for Monday estimated KLUG began that afternoon slot with 2.01% of afternoon radio audience with the figure peaking at 7.07% at 4:00 pm. On Tuesday the average audience tuned in to KLUG was 18.03% and yesterday it was a staggering 38.8%.

The write Pru Flemington described Jimmy the Frog, real name James Froggatt, as charming (off air) and irrepressible, extremely good looking without hayseeds in his hair, being born to struggling crop farmers. His father, since died, had sold stored grain during a price boom to provide the cash to take Jimmy through college when he gathered a degree in media studies.

"I asked, what makes you tick Jimmy. His reply was: "Looking at great boobs like yours Miss Flemington, possessing a real interest in people and the love of teasing, especially women."

Pru ended the small story: "Jimmy the Frog can tease me any time he wishes. And the Frog could kiss me; I'd liked to be turned into a Princess."

"Good afternoon LA and environs. This is Jimmy the Frog. Hope you all read the story about KLUG and me in this morning's Times. That newspaper should be advertising on this show but probably would turn its nose down as being associated with the likes of me. We have received more than 2000 letters telling the station manager I'm an asshole and should be pulled off air. The manager hasn't read his mail yet because he's down at the bank riding shotgun over our people banking all this extra revenue this program is dragging in. So please love our advertisers. Turn up the volume when you go for a pee during the advertising break and that will keep them happy and keep me in this slot. Let's have some calls on the topic: should the station manager fire me""

"Yes asshole, and good riddance."

"I hope he sends you to Outer Mongolia. You are the worse dickhead on air."

"What is wrong with these people? I'm dying and you Jimmy are taking me to my grave smiling."

"Jimmy here Angela. Sorry you are dying. Care to talk about the problem?"

"It the number one cause of death Jimmy, old age. I'm eighty-nine."

"Well I'll do my best to keep you smiling through 100 Angela, that is if the station manager goes slow on firing me.

"You idiot. No station manager is going to fire you. You're the biggest thing in talk radio in America today."

"Thanks Fiona. Love the smell of your perfume."

"It's musk."

"Oooh. Cross your legs Fiona. You have no idea just how big some of those talk hosts are on the east coast or is it the south? I will permit you to call me the biggest mouth in talk radio in LA today."

"Okay, you are in biggest mouth in talk radio in LA today."

"Oh darling, squeeze those thighs tightly, do your hear? Which reminds me, my weekly guest on Monday's show will be a bimbo from the 100,000 of them loose in Hollywood. Don't know her name but wouldn't be surprised if she [bleep]... there goes that F-word again."

"Are you implying I'm a bimbo Jimmy?"

"No Fiona. You have intelligence. We'll take the next call now."

"Jimmy these people who call in are not who they profess they are."

"How do you know that Di?"

"I don't know."

"I guess we have identified a Bimbo. Thanks for your call Di. We're taking an ad break.

"Jimmy the Frog speaking. I've just had an asshole of an idea. Station rules prevent me from soliciting money for charity. A young girl who is dying of cancer called in but was not allowed to come on air because she is under age and as you know this is an adult program. Well fortunately one of our girls on the phone made some notes of what Sally's mother told us, and that's how I know your name is Sally. You are in remission Sally and we are very glad about that. We'll take five calls from people who with to say hi to Sally."

"Hi Sally. My name is Clara and when I was eight my mom was told I was dying. I had remission after remission and one day the doctors became aware my remissions had all joined up. I was one of the lucky ones and am thirty-eight now and have three lovely children – two are high school seniors and one is at college. Good luck Sally. I love you."

"Jesus Clara. What a story. If you feel like talking to me one day on air give us a call. We'll leave that to you. Wasn't Clara so lovely to you Sally and for your mom to hear?" Our next guess is Melvyn.

"Well Sally all of LA will be rooting for you too pull through this. My love to you and your mother."

"Oh Jimmy, sorry about the wobbles in my voice but it was so wonderful hearing Clara's message to young Sally. My thoughts go out to you Sally and your family and to you Clara. Oh god, what a story."

"Thank you Fanny. I don't think we should cut off these messages to Sally. Let's run with them for a full hour and listeners, there will be other people out there who will find this talkback inspirational. I feel so humble and am so glad radio KLUG interfaces so brilliantly with people in this way. Thank you thank you everyone. We go through till 4:00 with this, with ad breaks of course. Think well of our advertisers, won't you."

"The very humble Jimmy the Frog here. That was by far the most heart-warming hour I've had in my short life in broadcasting. Station rules prevent me from soliciting money for charitable causes. Well this is not a charitable cause. Why don't you guys who feel like doing this, place something green in an envelope and mail it to Sally's Cancer Research Fund care of the Jimmy the Frog Show, Station KLUG, LA. We will appoint advisers in the field to assist allocating the loot, if we raise any. I'll be first in with my 100 green ones. Checks are acceptable. God I feel great. Keep in touch Sally's mom. After this ad break we'll talk about the joy of laughing."



CHAPTER 2

Next morning Jimmy (James was now calling himself Jimmy) called the station. The overnight mail had produced ten letters with donations for Sally's Cancer Research Fund. Jimmy was bitterly disappointed. He had to talk about it with someone so called Faye. Her mother said she was away for the weekend with her boyfriend. That cut up Jimmy. He simply hadn't considered Faye would have a boyfriend. God, he was a hick from Orion!

Pamela said, "Talk to me Jimmy. Something is wrong isn't it?"

"Did you listen to the show yesterday?"

"Yes, you were so wonderful over Sally's call that couldn't be put through. So you think it was genuine?"

"Yes before I was told it was verified including by their family doctor. She has a form of leukemia. She has the slimmest of chances."

"Oh it's so sad."

"Pamela, I called the station half an hour ago to find out how much mail had arrived overnight for the fund. Just ten items."

"Oh God, how sad for you. Look Jimmy, dress up casual formal and come here just after 2:00 this afternoon. I'm hosting a garden party for old friends, some of who might like to respond after you tell Sally's story. It's unlikely any of them would have heard of you."

Ten minutes later Jimmy was over the moon. The station called him asking did he wish to speak to a person from the US postal service.

Something triggered within Jimmy. He had great instincts. "You bet."

"Mail is flooding in for you guys," said the chief duty supervisor. "We have scanned some of it and could determine many envelopes have five bucks but we sighted a couple with five hundred bucks in them and one with a check for ten thousand. Jimmy, my advice is let us to store this for you in security until you guys work out how to disburse of it. My suggestion is to open a bank account and have us deliver to them in stages."

"Stages? How much mail for Sally's fund do you have?"

"I'm looking at about two van loads right now. But the real inflow will come in tonight."

"Oh hail the generous people of the City of Angeles."

"Say that on your show Monday Jimmy. Get to a bank now as many close at noon Saturdays and complete the paper work and make arrangements for us to begin transfers this afternoon."

Three hours later Jimmy had opened accounts at the Bank of America and Wells Fargo Banks and was at the mail center drinking coffee with the chief duty supervisor and watching security vans from the two banks arriving to make the first transfers. Extra guards had been called in.

"Ain't this just something," Jimmy said, tears flowing. Carl the supervisor held him across the shoulders and advised Jimmy to let it flow.

* * *

Jimmy arrived at the garden party just before 2:20. There were about sixty people in groups under umbrellas sipping champagne.

Pamela, looking queenly, rushed over the greet him.

"Oh you poor guy. You looked washed out."

"It's fine, just emotional. US Post called me. The mail is flooding in. I've opened two bank accounts and security vans are transferring mail to bank strong rooms. The banks both volunteered to open the envelopes and bank the money and set aside any correspondence for us, doing it free of charge."

"Oh that's wonderful. I have a photographer from the Times booked to arrive at 3:00 when we'll hit these people up for donations. Every dollar counts. Some of these people here are power people of the silver screen, many of them still active."

Pamela introduced Jimmy Froggatt and said although nobody would know who her was...

"Ohmigod, he's Jimmy the Frog on radio KLUG who thinks half the women on the streets of LA are out of work hookers and all women in Hollywood are bimbos," yelled a bright young thing, running towards Jimmy to kiss him.

"She's Julia Rodney, star of Deathship Orion."

Jimmy had no idea who she was. But he was relieved to see a lynch mob didn't appear to be forming. Instead almost everyone was laughing. Pam in a loud voice had told them the people of LA were taking a battering on the airwaves with Jimmy teasing them for taking themselves too seriously.

He was among friends? It seemed very unlikely and yet after Pamela appealed to everyone to give generously, Pamela's accountant, who was a guest with his wife a retired film star of the 1980s, announced jovially, "A mite over $15,000 that nicely equates to a third of the size of our hostess's chest."

The crowd roared in laughter and the photographer took a great shot of Jimmy being handed a garden bucket of cash and checks and surrounded by grinning celebrities.

"I'm humbled by this generosity," Jimmy said. "Sally will read this in Los Angeles Times Sunday and will be very pleased with you guys. Thank you."

Jimmy slept off his huge hangover throughout Sunday, Every time he awoke he thought of the mail for Sally's appeal coming into the mail-sorting center. He went out at 4:00 for a meal and boggled a page five of the LA Times Sunday. There was a photo from the garden party, with Pamela leaning dangerously forward toward the bucket he was holding, showing heaps of her 44-inch bust and the drunk-looking gang of celebrities around them. The accompanying story suggested the listeners of Jimmy the Frog on Friday on Radio KLUG were likely to be sending in something approaching $4 million for cancer research in California as a result of a heart-wrenching story of a girl who called in to talk to him but could not be put through because she was under-age. But then Jimmy the Frog turned everything around. 

'This guy is hot' stated part of the caption under a single column photo of Jimmy the Frog in action in his radio booth. There was also a pointer to 'Sally's Story'.

Jimmy's heart sank but then lifted when he turned to the story. There was no photo of Sally and nothing to identify her. The reporter stated they had traced who she was and Sally's mother agreed to talk to the reporter and allow Sally to talk providing Sally's identity was kept secret.

The story wasn't written as a tear-jerker and there was hope. One of the specialists said there was a slim chance that Sally's body might win out. She was very aware she could die and was philosophical about it but she would also hopeful 'for mom's sake' that she would survive. "I must remain positive," Sally said.

God, thought Jimmy. What a brave little girl. He was such a clown in comparison. He also thought of Sally's solo mom and what she was going through.

Faye called Jimmy from her boyfriend's parents' home and said she'd just read the story. "Jimmy, you really are a wonderful guy. Brent's mom was amazed I was so close to you. She laughed and said one minute you're a right rotten toad suggesting all women were unemployed hookers and then doing something like this. I imagine you can guess she is a big fan of yours. Jimmy, mom also called. She said you were devastated that I had a boyfriend – she said it had never occurred to you that I would. I'll drop Brent if you like?"

"No, I couldn't ask you to do that. You stick with him Faye. It is so good you have called. It has been such an emotional weekend for me."

* * *

Had Jimmy said yes drop Brent she might not have done so. But with him telling her not to do it she was confused and began thinking more and more about Jimmy and what she termed his heart of gold.

"Ah, you look troubled. Was that your other boyfriend you were talking to?"

"Yes, I'm his program manager Brent."

"My mother recorded that session of you undressing for him. I thought it was hilarious but at the same time I now think you might not be such a suitable companion for me. You know I am deeply involved in the youth work I'm doing with the Minister of our church and the committee. It's likely I will soon be appointed director of youth work."

"Brent perhaps I can change. However I should point out Jimmy the Frog will still want to fuck me."

"Faye you cannot talk to me like that."

"Well it's time for us to return home. On the way I'll keep my mouth shut to allow you to have a good think about it Brent and then let me know your decision. You may have the view I'm unlikely to change from who I am."

"Right, good idea. Let's grab our bags and say goodbye to the family." 

* * *

Jimmy was a little glum when Faye called. "Hi, I've just arrived home and about to have late dinner. I feel very flat. I told Brent about you and his dumped me."

"Oh Faye, I am so sorry. Exhausted by all the seductions and now being dumped."

"Brent and I have never had sex."

"What?"

"It's the truth."

"Are you a virgin?"

"No you fool. Oh come around. Mom is in the spa drinking champagne. We can join her but for heaven's sake bring a swimsuit. If you go in nude she'll have a piece of you."

"Er, could I just sit on the sideline and drink coffee?"

"Yes of course. But come prepared to stay the night. I need some sort of comforting."

"What sort of comforting?"

"Arms around me, kisses on the shoulder. You know, that sort of thing."

Ten minutes later Jimmy set forth in trepidation. But it worked out fine. The three of them were friendly and none of them had sex that night or next morning.

* * *

"This is the Jimmy the Frog Show, humble Jimmy I hope. I can confirm Sally and her mom are listening. You will have read in the newspaper that over the next couple of days something approaching $4 million dollars – no one really knows surely – could be deposited into the Sally Cancer Research Trust Fund as it's now being called. I bent the rules asking for something green to be placed in envelopes and to be sent to the fund. Anyway it's not charity, it's for research. Excuse me for a moment."

"That was Sally's mom. She and Sally wish to thank every one too. Sally's mom sounds very nice, and highly emotional as you can imagine. I take off my hat to everyone who has contributed and I tossed in my little bit. In the deed of trust being drafted today Sally and you are being named a patron of the society being formed to administer the fund. It means you are the figurehead. Mommy will explain what that means. I feel so proud of your guys who are backing Sally and people in her predicament. My heart is near bursting. I'm so glad I came to LA and it truly is City of Angels. I find it necessary to take an early ad break. Thank you."




Jimmy the Frog



"This is the Jimmy the Frog Show. Do you guys remember my first LA show on Radio KLUG? [bleep] there goes that dreaded F-word again. That first show was only a week ago. You remember I undressed our PR manager Faye. Well now she is my program manager and I think we are destined to become sweethearts. I not sure about us becoming lovers because I don't know if she does it. And here's Faye escorting my Monday Interview person, who apparently is a Hollywood Bimbo. Oh save me, they appear to be sticking out a foot in front of her and I'm not talking false eyelashes. I'm telling you, if she let those pair loose going downhill on skates she'd get into a speed wobble. I must find if she does skate and goes down hills."

"Hello Special Guest. I know nothing about you so please be patient with me. Who are you pretty one?"

"Elke Leigh."

"Who?"

"E-L-K-E space L-E-I-G-H."

"Oh thanks, I'm only a radio host and everyone knows that are as thick as a block of wood. Apart from your tits... er, worry. I lost focus. What is your claim to fame Elke?"

"I'm a very committed actress with walk-on roles in 'Magic is the Moon, 'Guns of Mean Street' and 'Oceans in Space' but I now feel something bigger could happen.'

"Are they titles of kids' R18 video games?"

"No you funny man," Elke giggled. "They are mainstream movies. Don't you go to movies?"

"Not really, unless I have a hot date who wants to see a high school movie."

"Then you believe we are wasting your time?"

"No more than you are coming on to the show hoping that it will improve your career prospects."

"That is being cynical Mr Frog."

"Wow, that is a big word and abstract thinking for a Hollywood bimbo."

Elke was silent.

"What, aren't you taking the bait?"

"I'm here to represent what you call the bimbos of Hollywood Mr Frog, not to engage in pointless debate. I was a top student in my class at high school and come from Hobbs in New Mexico where my family stables and trains quarter horses. I won a scholarship to acting classes when only seven with girls up to 14 were competing and have been in acting tuition ever since. I am now twenty-two and acting is my life. I was invited to Hollywood almost two years ago for a screen test but that was a sham. But I've stayed here, like so many other woman have, working in restaurants at night and looking for a career break during the day. I go on dates hoping they will lead to somewhere other than bed. And that's about it. Like many other young women you call bimbos, I think I'm a great young woman with heaps of talent but have to get this message through to the right person."

"Well thank you Elke. That was quite a speech. I'd like to ask what you use to color your hair to get that albino blonde look? And to ask what you do to make yourself look so pretty but we must pause for an ad break. Anyone who wants to give Elke a break – and by that I don't mean in bed – should call KLUG now."

"This is Freddy the Frog back on air. Elke, you have something you really want to say?"

"Yes, I want you to repeat what you said to me during the ad break."

"Oh that, it was nothing. Listeners don't want to hear that stuff."

"Please Mr Frog."

"Well I said I grew up on movies and loved them and when the acting was good I lived within them. They became a dimension of my life and probably assisted in my emotional development and I'm one of those guys who cry at good movies. I said I was impressed tremendously by you Elke and me being a yokel from Indiana – not that it has many yokels – I was probably as misguided about Hollywood bimbos as I was alleging half the women on the streets of LA were out of work hookers."

"That was a dreadful thing to say about the women of LA Mr Frog."

"I accept that. And some women abused me for that. But to my surprise I learned something about the women of LA. Heaps of others just laughed and said I was funny and entertaining."

"That was the very reason why I agreed to come on to your show as a token Hollywood bimbo Mr Frog."

"Well Elke, listen to this call that came in for me during this ad break."

"Oh hi Jimmy. God you are hilarious alleging Elke is cynical. What about you? You met me at Pamela Stenway-Wilson's garden party on Saturday where we donated and gave you a bucketful of money for darling Sally's Cancer Research Fund. I'm Farrah, the woman you looked at my breasts and asked hilariously was I a porn actress. In my work I carry out preliminary film tests of batch-selected actors and actresses for a studio. Next week we'll be working to select three candidates for studio selection as a possible support actress for a film to be shot in Texas about the effects of drought on a small town community. The search for such an actress calls for a lively new-face young blonde woman in her twenties with a natural southern accent. That sounds like Elke to a 'T'. I want you to contact me Elke. I have left details with Jimmy's manager Faye."

"Just a moment folk while I pick Elke up off the floor by something I can grab. Oh it's her thong. Oh FANTASTIC. It looks so pretty."

"Oh Mr Frog. You shouldn't see me like this."

"Lots of women wear thongs beside the pool or at the gym Elke. No folk, this is just nonsense. I was filling in while Elke was biting the edge of the desk across from me attempting to deaden her scream of joy. I remember Farrah clearly because of her impressive tits. So much of them were hanging out. LA-Hollywood must be the tit capital of the world. Elke now has her arms folded over hers so I can't see them. She is so lovely and charming, just the type of girl I want to be when I grow up. She's recovered now. Say something Elke."

"May I come around the desk and kiss you?"

"Yeah, but no tonguing."

"Mr Frog!"

"That was a joke. Nothing but a sweet kiss will occur Elke because my manager Faye has come forward to the glass to keep an eye on my behavior. This radio station has high standards to uphold."

"Oh lovely. So sweet there were no sound effects to broadcast."

"Mr Frog, this is a break I was hoping for. Thank you, thank you. Although nothing may come from it I remain hopeful. I must keep finding these small breaks because you know what happens when they stop coming?"

"You marry a producer?"

"No Mr Frog. There are not nearly enough of them to go round. Sadly, I pack my bags and go home defeated."

"Well Farrah, I hope you are still listening. You probably have helped to start actors into a successful film career. Here's the chance to do it for Elke if she measures up. I think her measurements look perfect. We all admire you Farrah for taking his initiative. Good luck Elke. Now listeners I know I'm winning the big reputation of as Village Idiot of Radio but I can assure you nothing about this segment of today's program was pre-arranged except Faye was asked to fetch in a bimbo from Hollywood. She found Elke working in a restaurant. Ooops, I'm about to sneeze."

"Now I know this could sound suspiciously coincidence but I wish to put everything on the table. I declare Faye is my personal assistant and her mom is Pamela Stenway-Wilson who held that garden party where Farrah happened to be one of the guests. I had called to tell Faye that money for the Sally trust fund was beginning to roll in, but Faye was away for the weekend. On the spur of the moment, Pamela invited me to the garden party and suggested I hit them all for contributions to Sally's research fund. I didn't ask for money. I just told those people what was happening and they then dug deep, spurred on by their hostess. I lied about Farrah's breasts, they were about average size but it was true rather a lot of skin was uncovered but so were most of the other females bent on sunning themselves. Heaps of vitamin something is absorbed by tits. My final declaration is thanks to my guest Elke I no longer will assume all Hollywood blondes are bimbos. My guest next Monday will be Veronica Wilkinson who manufacturers made to order bras. We'll now rest while more ads play and then talk about toilet experiences. Apparently some people have hilarious tales to tell. If this doesn't appeal switch off and listen to the opposition. Don't blame me if you do that and deprive yourself of a suitcase full of laughs. No please, don't call to ask how does one place laughs in a suitcase or check they are packed in orderly. We do talk nonsense here, don't we? I can tell you, it's hard work to earn salary by being stupid."

At the conclusion of the show Faye kissed him. "So, you don't know if I do it, eh?

"Or know if you really how to do it."

"You are such a dough-head. I'll take you to dinner tomorrow night to allow me to find just how good you are at going for your target. I'm off to go bowling tonight with the girls and we'll eat out late."

* * *

Jimmy took a call when he in the cab heading for his very modest studio apartment.

"Hi, it's Diane Joseph from People Moving Up Magazine. I'd like to interview you."

"This evening would be fine. Do you fuck Diane?"

Diane cut the call. 

She was back in less than a minute to apologize. 

"I'm sorry for acting the outraged virgin. I had overlooked you will be a perpetual boof-head, acting the way you do on your show."

"I'm off home to put my feet up. Why don't you come by to my studio apartment that is untidy and my views are at other apartments. Come with take-outs – I have plenty of wine and beer. Otherwise I'm unlikely to find the time to talk to you Diane."

"This sounds like a seduction set-up."

"Oh really, I though you wanted to interview me? I have read your magazine."

"Oh really, one of my articles?"

"No I was in the toilet and it was about some woman who pots flowers in old boots and is making a fortune because it's a new trend."

"Oh, Jill Rogers. She's our best writer."

"Magazine stories also need to be strong in content as well Diane. Interview well and I ought to be able to supply content. People may then consider you a good writer."

"You are now sounding more cooperative than darkly ominous."

"I'm that kind of guy. Bring low-fat and delicious."

Diane arrived with boxes. She looked skinny. If she had one arresting feature it was her eyes – deep, dark and mournful. Jimmy automatically checked out her chest and grinned when she said, "You'll need a magnifying glass."

The writer in her mid-thirties smiled dropping her gaze but didn't answer when Jimmy asked, "Big pussy? 

He asked where was the photographer and she said she'd send one to the radio station next day.

"You really were expecting me to be accompanied by a photographer, weren't you?"

"Yep."

"That gives me a different impression of you Mr Frog."

"You can note anything I say from now on until we have sex, er, until you decide that you will have sex with me."

Diane turned her recorder on and went looking for dishes and then began opening the boxes, saying she'd decided on vegetarian Chinese with no additives apart from a few shakes of sea salt. Desert would be fresh fruit slices and low-fat cream. She began laying out a small banquet.

"In answer to your last comment, "I'm just a country boy Diane. Radio KLUG thought I had something to bring to LA so bought out my contract. They believed I acted a little like a charming boy, not yet corrupted by the big city and my naivety and especially my propensity to tease would appeal to women and how right they were. Take a look at my stats. You'll find at times we are nudging 60% of the 1:00 to 3:00 afternoon radio audience in greater LA. At 3:00 the listening moms switch off to attend to their kids but from 3:00 to 5:00 we still hold 40% to 45% of total audience and KLUG is the small kid on the block. Up to 80% of my audience are women. Women have this superior air, I believe, that makes them listen to a guy they feel is a bit of an ass. That is spelt the same way as what you sit on." 

"So you play at being a dumb ass?"

"Sort of but it comes rather naturally. The other thing about women sitting at home, probably alone, is they want to be entertained and especially the younger ones consider being shocked is quite okay. Lock all of those things in your mind as a talkback broadcaster and there's my secret of success."

"You are prepared to divulge your winning secret?"

"Yeah, there's no risk. Other top talk hosts are so full of themselves they can't bear to allow their listeners think they are just ordinary guys like they are."

"And that's why you use the terms about yourself like yokel and village idiot?"

"Yeah, right. And I have the drop on them with KLUG being such a small station and management investing in me for my talent rather than acquiring another head to control. Larger stations and their advertisers wouldn't allow their top talk hosts to dumb down. It just isn't done."

"Jimmy, can you give me an example of how you can shock but not necessarily offend."

"Yes, I've dug out a section of a tape for you. I got away with this in Orion but I'd be hammered for it here in LA."

He played the chat when he discussed restaurant and take-out foods, where mention was made of cockroaches and Jimmy talked about checking at the toilet next morning to determine the quality of the food consumed the previous evening.

"This is a tape of an actual broadcast; you got away with it and weren't lynched?"

"Yeah, restaurant owners were a little confused. They were left wondering was I joking. Do you have a hairy pussy Diane?"

"Well that is rather personal. I would if I didn't shave it."

Jimmy remained silent.

"Oh god, what have I just said to you?"

"You have simply given over information, albeit personal information. But you knew that. Are you shocked and outrage Diane?"

"No, perhaps flabbergasted but I realize I did answer the question voluntarily."

"I grew up knowing how to feel and act humble. I can remember my dad, in times of lean prices, saying no I couldn't have a pair of new boots. And I recall the times when the prices began to move upwards again or when the much-needed rain came or the relentless wind dropped away to bring the look of true joy to mom and dad's faces. I also learned gratitude in a really big way. My chance of going to college was at rock bottom and then prices took off. We were on a crop farm. Mon and dad banked enough money in my name so they couldn't touch it to send me through college and I graduated in media studies. So much in life is about chance. Did you hear what happened to that gorgeous bimbo Elke on my show this afternoon?"

"Yes, which is why when I finished dancing around my office desk I began calling you and got through when you switched on your phone. I still cannot believe I told you I shave my pussy."

"Worry about bigger things Diane. Ask me what I really think about the City of Angels."

"Okay, I'm asking."

"I've been disappointed. LA is flashy but low in substance. Too many poor areas from what I've glimpsed. City of Waste could be another title for it. What is has going for it is climate but what is needs is for people to care more about other people. Okay I've only been here five minutes and I'm making comparisons with my tiny hometown of Orion in Indiana and that makes for a stupid comparison. I also guess there are heaps of good people out there that are every bit as decent and likeable as good people in Orion because that's how things work. I don't really mind people being rich and flashy but do they really have to drive their vehicles like tanks and endanger other people and have no feeling of care because they are fully protected by insurance? Is that really how people need to live? Or walk into restaurants and jump the line of waiting people because they are recognized and are known as being big tippers? Having said that I think of people like Sally the cancer victim and her mom so I give LA another title that could fit, City of Hope. I must say I have heaps of good people calling my show who don't sound as if they are assholes. Please get that last tribute printed with whatever else I say. This food is great Diane. I do expect to crap well in the morning."

Diane laughed and looked at Jimmy. He recognized that look. He asked, "Are you married Diane" and she said she was between marriages. 

She received a very toothy look and her face turned pink.



CHAPTER 3

"This is Jimmy the Frog. Our subject up for discussion is sexual gratification. Before we proceed I'd like to ask to use your words carefully and refrain from being nasty or uncouth. We don't want you talking about how you do it or how you get off but rather how you FEEL after the act or multiple acts. I also acknowledge there are listeners who are not getting any natural sex but wish they were. I suggest those people switch to one of our competitors for the next hour and listen to the crap they're on about."

"Jimmy, I'm an addicted listener of yours."

"Thanks Maria. You're looking great today."

"I look good in the nude don't I. This is my favorite vibrator."

"Please Maria, how do your feel at the end of the session?"

"I tingle all over and feel great. It is one of the nicest moments I have on any day."

"Thank you Maria. Folk, I didn't see Maria... this is radio, remember?"

Jimmy looked at his screen and said, "Here comes Doug."

"If Maria wants..."

"Doug, I trust that's not the purpose of your call:"

"Oh yeah. Seeing the soft expression on the face of my wife after we do it just makes me love her heaps. It's almost as good as getting it off."

"Whew, you guys calling in. Please don't make me cut this chat altogether and switch to discussing the condition of drainpipes. Talk about the aftermath, personal gratification."

"Good afternoon Mr Frog. I'm Martha, eighty-three so am not at it these days. But burned into my memory as a young bride was the thrill of feeling such lovely senses flowing through my body and wondering perhaps that was the occasion I'd become pregnant." 

"Did you succeed Martha?"

"Yes, Alec my late husband and I because parents of four lovely children and those four couples I imagine would have experienced that same feeling and those wishful thoughts. I now have eleven grandchildren and three great-grandchildren."

"Oh Martha. Thank you so much for sharing with us like that. It was wonderful. We now glide into an ad break with happy smiles on our faces."

Faye opened the door. "The boss just called me to tell you what wonderful comments, from you as well. I add my congratulations. You are such a lovely man."

"This is Jimmy the Frog. It's great how things happened isn't it. The boss was aghast that we were to go to air on this topic but he's just called my assistant Faye giving the thumbs up. Faye added her piece saying I was such a lovely man. I wonder what illegal substance she's on? Well here is Lola."

"Mr Frog. I am a deeply devout Christian and was appalled by this topic but after hearing what Martha had to say I felt obliged to say what she expressed was said so wonderfully. That's all I wanted to say."

"Lola do you indulge in sex?"

"Mr Frog!"

"Hold it Lola. Someone is holding up something for me to read. Golly, according to sample surveying we are currently holding 71% of talk audience. This is a huge milestone for us, for any talk station. Lola sex is not a banned activity and neither is talking about it."

"Well I can't dispute that so I'll just answer yes."

"We won't embarrass you too much. I just ask, after good sex what is the one word you'd use to describe how you feel?"

"I can answer straight away: Joy."

"Thank you Lola."

"I'm Sadie. Could you please call in your assistant Faye and chat to her about this subject?"

"I couldn't do that. It's too personal."

"Jimmy, my feeling is she's sweet on you."

"You're forgetting Faye is a beautiful and well educated woman; she would probably prefer someone a lot better than me. I must take the next call. No wait, Faye is coming through the door. She's been listening to you Sadie and has decided to be the sacrificial lamb. Thank you Sadie. We'll take an ad break while I clear up something with Faye. If she's a virgin it will not be pointless to interview her on this subject."




Jimmy the Frog



"This is Jimmy the Frog and on we continue with sexual gratification with volunteer interview subject Faye who is my program manager. First let me describe what I'm looking at. Faye has a bouncy hairstyle mostly brown with a blonde streak through the center that by a stretch of imagination I could call natural. Those of you who heard my first show in LA when I pretended to have Faye undress in front of me may recall she has enough up top that if she waggled them LA would grind to a stop. Age twenty-seven, she has dark eyes, a cute slightly uplifted face and a generous mouth, flat tummy, hips to hold a great ass and athletic legs and feet. I almost need an ad break to get over this. I'm um... oh never mind."

"Is this going to take all day Jimmy? I do have work to do to prepare for tomorrow's show and prepare my report to station management."

"No Faye, how often do you do it?"

"Next question please Jimmy."

"Oh, do you trim or shave?"

"Next question please Jimmy."

"Oh, er, would your mom trust you to date me?"

"Yes, for some reason she thinks you are quite a guy."

"What is the number one thing you require from a guy Faye? Chose your words carefully; remember we are on air and the air waves police egged on by our competitors are listening."

"Modesty."

"What's that?"

"You are so full of it Jimmy."

"You mean bullshit?"

"You know I don't mean that Jimmy."

"What are my chances of getting between your thighs Faye?"

"For what reason, to perform medical research?"

"If that's what it takes."

"Well, assuming man has been around for 100 centuries don't you think between-the-thighs research would have been overly researched by now?"

"Er, do you grovel for sex Faye?"

"I haven't found that necessary up till now."

"Are you likely to have sex with me?"

"Yes because we have developed rapport, I'm aware of your sensibilities and sensitivities, knowing you are not the jug-head you appear to some people although actually what people hear of you on air is you accurately portrayed providing one dismisses the self-caricature typecasting of yokel and village idiot."

"Ah, I'm not sure where all that leaves you and me?"

"On a promise."

"Oh really. God, I'm in need of an ad break. One last question, "After you do it do you see fireworks and hope you are impregnated?"

"Of course not; I'm not married."

"What you have to be married to see fireworks after the big bang?"

"No, I'm left panting, feeling I've been to the gym but my mind is cloaked in fuzz and I feel as if I'm floating, almost out of my body and I couldn't care a [bleep] about the mess I'll have to clean up."

"Oh Faye, there go half a dozen complaints to the FCC."

"Oh really? Good heavens, what's that in your hand Jimmy?"

"You know that's my station-issue pen Faye. Please be a good girl. May I date you tonight?"

"Yes of course. Allow me to leave early and I'll pack my overnight bag."

"Well LA, City of Great Opportunities. This is how good sex happens and if it doesn't end with a big bang as Faye has suggested, you may need to brush up on techniques. Many of those women you see shopping in LA are hookers on a rest day. Perhaps you could hire one as an adviser to freshen up your techniques. It seems pointless banging away doing the wrong thing."

* * *

Two months later on a Saturday afternoon, Faye and Jimmy were married at the Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills. Jimmy the Frog had mentioned on air the upcoming wedding was restricted to 120 guests and ten double tickets were available to listeners who registered at KLUG to go into a lucky draw. Alerted by that, the media published pre-wedding photographs of the couple, as did several TV stations. 

Early afternoon on the wedding day, police were called in as a huge crowd of well-wishers began to assemble.

Pamela, who'd insisted her daughter be married where two of her weddings had been held, including that to Faye's late father, arranged for the minister to perform the wedding on the steps of the hotel to give many of Jimmy's fans held back beyond the roped off area the opportunity to view the event. News of that got out and even more people descended on to Wilshire Boulevard.

Faye was gorgeously gowned in white, using the veil her mother used at her weddings, and Jimmy was in white tux and black trousers, with the words Jimmy the Frog embroidered in yellow and green on the back of his jacket.

Two weeks later the couple returned from their honeymoon in Canada, detouring by invitation to take part in a grand parade down the main street of Orion as Jimmy had become the town's most famous citizen.

The show had continued during his absence but the viewing audience had plummeted. However it zoomed up again on the first Monday Jimmy was back in the hot seat.

'[beep] it's great to be back. Faye doesn't know yet if a tadpole or two got through but it won't be from the lack of trying. Oh boy, can she move her ass. Well this is Jimmy the Frog back on air and for you lovely people out there the subject today has me rather confused. When people say he or she is promiscuous, exactly what is meant by that and is it such a bad thing? Wow, here's the first call already. Hi, Rev Prichard, this is Jimmy..."

As the minister ranted, Jimmy looked at Faye through the glass and blew her a kiss with love.

THE END