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I'm Not Lisa Ch. 04-06

By: coaster2



Chapter 4 What a Mess

I rose fairly early the next morning, knowing that Rance and I were going to take a tour of the ranch. I dressed in my tightest jeans, and a light cotton t-shirt, expecting the weather to be warm. When I stepped out on the porch, I got a shock. It was cold. It might warm up later, but right now it was cold.

I quickly went back to my room and put on a sweater and a nylon shell. I'd forgotten we were over a mile high in altitude, and the temperature extremes were much greater than in Spokane or Salinas. I had a pair of white cotton athletic socks to keep my feet warm in my sneakers. Not as sexy as I'd like to be, but necessary. I had a plan for Rance today and I needed to look good for him.

By the time I got back, Marion was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. As I watched, it seemed like she was cooking for ten. Eggs, bacon, potatoes, fried tomatoes, biscuits and gravy, and of course, coffee. I wondered how they could eat all this and still remain slim. It must be the work. They must burn it off, I guessed. Then again, I remembered my diet when I was swimming competitively. It wasn't much different in calories, just the content.

"Mornin' Julie. You sleep well?"

"Yes ma'am. It's so quiet and dark around here. I think the only thing that woke me up was the rooster I heard."

Just then, Rance appeared, pushing Angus into the kitchen. I remembered Marion telling me that Rance helped his father get out of bed and dress in the morning. He was too big for Marion to handle. 

"Mornin' ladies," Rance said happily, kissing his mother on the cheek and nodding toward me. 

"Marion, it sure is nice to have another woman in the house," Angus said happily. "You suppose there's any way we can make this a permanent state of affairs?"

I was getting used to the good natured banter that Angus and Marion exchanged and for the first time, I wasn't embarrassed by it. The inference was obvious, but Rance pretended that he didn't hear it. It was at that moment that I decided to take a chance.

I sidled over to Rance where he was leaning against the center island with a freshly poured coffee. I moved beside him, close enough that my hip was touching his. I slowly rubbed my arm against his, and I felt him stiffen. I had his attention.

"What do you think, Rance?" I asked coquettishly. 

"Uhhm ... what do I think about what?" he answered nervously.

"About having another woman in the house ... all the time."

"Oh ... I don't know. Depends, I guess," he struggled.

I could see Marion trying desperately to contain herself. She was moments away from bursting out laughing. Angus just had an odd look about him, like he wondered what was going on. Rance had that same look, except a little more like a deer in the headlights. 

We dug into the breakfast, conversation at a minimum. Rance seemed to be concentrating on the food more than usual. I had a hunch the comments had unsettled him more than he would like to admit. As I picked up the empty plates and moved to the sink, Rance rose from his chair and poured himself another coffee. To get back to the table, I had to squeeze by him, so I had the opportunity I was looking for.

I swung my butt away from him, then smacked back into him with it. His coffee went straight up in the air before mostly settling back in the cup. In all the days I had been around Rance, I'd never seen him as befuddled or confused as he was at that moment. I had done something completely unexpected and out of character. I'd gone out on a ledge and threatened to jump. Now, it was up to him.

"I think ... maybe ... we should get goin'," he said nervously. "We've got a fair distance to travel today. I don't want to tire you out too much."

"What ... are you going to make we walk?" I kidded.

He was beginning to recover his wits. "Well, I hadn't thought of that, but if you'd like ...." I could see the grin spread across his face.

"Horses or trucks?" I asked, cutting off the kidding.

"Lady's choice," he came back quickly.

"Horses first ... then the truck if you get too tired," I challenged.

He looked at me with disdain. I got a 'harrumph' kind of sound from him as he grabbed my hand and led me out of the house. As I left, I got a glimpse of Marion with a big smile on her face and a thumbs-up vote of approval.

As he pulled me to the barn, I realized we had broken another barrier. He was touching me. Sure, it wasn't anything sexy or warm, but at least I had knocked him off his perch and he was responding. I wondered if it was the butt check I put on him, or something else.

"How long since you've been on a horse?" he asked me as we walked into the barn.

"About five years. My uncle has a farm up near Hollister and he has a couple of horses. I used to ride quite a bit before college and work interfered."

"Okay ... I've got a nice bay mare that should be fine for you. You know how to saddle her?"

"I don't think I've forgotten anything. It wouldn't hurt if you checked it before we left, though."

I think that bit of conciliatory effort was just the thing. The aggressive Rance was suddenly gone. He was back to the solicitous Rance. That's where I wanted him.

"How many acres do you have," I asked as we rode out of the barn.

"A little over five thousand ... eight sections. We lease some land too if feed is scarce."

"My God! That's the size of a small country. How many cattle do you have?"

"We've cut back quite a bit in the last few years. There's only a little over twelve hundred head right now. It'll depend on how things go in the next couple of years just what we'll do in the future."

"The dude ranch?"

He nodded. It didn't look like this was his favorite solution.

"Those trailers I saw away from the barn. Were they for the men?"

"Yep. Got six full time hands including the foreman. We look to get a few more when there's a drive on."

"If you've got a foreman, why do you have to be here?"

"Charlie's gettin' on. He's got all the experience in the world, but he's not the leader. Doesn't want the hassle. Everythin' else, he's the top kick, but somebody has to decide what to do and when to do it. That ain't Charlie. Dad's housebound, so he can't see what's goin' on. That leaves me ... so here I am."

That explained it. I had wondered how the ranch could survive without Rance for five years, not counting when he was in the service. His father was the decision maker until he was injured. Now his son was in charge.

We rode for a couple of hours before stopping at a small creek to let the horses drink. Rance reminded me not to let them drink too much, and when they were done, we walked them away from the stream and loose-tied them to a nearby bush. They could still graze on the grass without any problem. 

"Rance ... if money were no object, what would you want to do with the ranch?"

"Well, first I'd start to change the breed. We could do better with fewer cattle of a higher quality. I always though Charolais would be a good choice. It would take a while, but once the breedin' stock was established, we could gradually cull out the Herefords and convert the herd. Probably take about six or eight years."

"Wow. That long?"

"Yep. Couldn't do it just like that," he said, snapping his fingers.

"This is where you'd rather be ... isn't it?" I said in a moment of boldness.

He turned and looked at me, an unsmiling but calm face. "Yeah, I suppose it is."

"So what's keeping you in Spokane?"

He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here right at that moment. 

"Circumstances," was all he would say.

We walked for a few minutes, moving to a small rise in the meadow. The vista was magnificent. We were surrounded by hills, in a narrow valley that widened as we moved further northeast. This was the eastern foothills of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains and the beginnings of the Great Plains. It was a beautiful setting and I could see why anyone would fall in love with this land.

We stopped at the top of the little hill and I moved to Rance's side, wrapping my arm through his as we stood looking over the valley before us. It was a simple thing, but I felt Rance stiffen at first before relaxing. He was still very nervous and uncertain in my company. I would have to keep trying to make him more comfortable with my presence and my touch.

"This is a very beautiful place," I said, breaking the silence. 

"About as pretty a place as there ever could be," he agreed quietly.

"You're staying here, aren't you," I said in a moment of recklessness.

He turned and looked at me. "What makes you think that?"

"Just how you are ... how comfortable you are here. This is where you want to be. You have plans. You've thought about the future ... what this ranch could be. You don't want this to be a dude ranch any more than your father or mother do. You want things just he way they are. I can't say I blame you."

He looked surprised, but not unhappy. "You sound pretty sure of yourself, young lady."

"It isn't hard to see how you feel. You wear your heart on your sleeve when it comes to this ranch."

"For a city girl, you seem to like this part of the world too."

"I'm no city girl. Salinas is a farming town. I understand that kind of thinking all right."

"It gets a whole bunch colder up here in the winter than the coast of California," he said with a wry smile.

"I know. But ... there's a lot less people, a lot less pollution, and a lot less hassle. It's a different kind of life."

"It is that, all right," he admitted, still not looking at me. 

We rode slowly back to the ranch house in time for lunch. I was a bit sore from not having been on a horse in some years, but I really didn't care. We hadn't made any great breakthrough in my attempt to get close to Rance, but I was learning to live with little steps and forcing myself to be patient.

That afternoon, he took me into Trinidad to see what the town was all about. I had only been on the outskirts when I first came to the ranch, so I wasn't prepared for the old west style that was evident in so many of the buildings. I learned that the population was about ten thousand, it was six thousand feet high, and the valley that the 3C Ranch was located in was ominously named the Purgatoire River Valley.

I had seen something similar in the old towns around Reno and Carson City, but nothing quite like this. Trinidad was on the old Sante Fe Trail, running from Independence, Missouri to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Many a Conestoga and cattle drive had come through this way. This town was a big piece of the old west's history.

When I looked around, I didn't feel at all out of place. Rance told me half the population was Hispanic. Once upon a time there were coal mines south of town, but they were all gone now. Rance said Dexter Prentice was dumping a whole lot of money into gas exploration in the old coal fields. He'd made a fortune on developing the historic properties, but now he was looking to make more in natural resources. I got the feeling Rance would be happy if Dexter went broke.

We got back to the ranch before five o'clock and I went to my room to change after having a shower. I'd felt good about the day we spent together and I was hoping it was another step along the way to breaking down that wall that Rance had so carefully constructed. It would have been easy to get frustrated and give up on the man, but I didn't drive thirteen hundred miles to give up.

That evening, Marion told me she would be taking Angus into town to visit the doctor the next morning. They wanted to x-ray his leg and make sure the fractures were knitting properly. They would be gone most of the day. That would leave Rance and me alone, a situation I thought at first was ideal. He quickly changed my opinion.

"I've got to drive up to the summer pasture and check on the herd. You're welcome to join me, otherwise you can stay here, or go into town. Whatever you like," he said in a matter-of-fact tone. Any idea that he was about to reveal a change in our relationship was quickly shot down.

"I'll think about it and let you know at breakfast," I said. I wasn't about to show my disappointment, but I was disappointed. Maybe I wasn't as good at being patient as I thought.

I think Marion recognized how I was feeling. She looked at Rance like she wanted to say something, but didn't. I was sure she was on my side, so if I was going to get any help at all with the big lug, it would come from her.

I was up at my usual time on Wednesday morning. I knew Marion and Angus would be leaving soon for town and their eight o'clock appointment at the hospital's x-ray department. Soon enough, Rance helped her get his father loaded in rear of the crew cab, sitting crosswise, his leg supported by the bench seat.

"As long as you don't hit any potholes too hard, Dad should be all right, Mom," Rance kidded.

She gave him a dirty look and then a smile. "We'll be back sometime mid-afternoon, Rance. You look after Julie, now," she warned. 

He nodded but said nothing, then turned and led me back into the house.

"You decided what you want to do today?" he asked.

"I thought I'd hang out with you, if I'm not in the way."

"Nope. Won't be a problem other than you'll likely get bored." He wasn't trying very hard to entice me.

We were about to finish the dishes and get ready to leave when I heard a truck pull up in front. Rance went to see who it was while I finished in the kitchen. When he hadn't come back after about five minutes, I walked over to the big window in the living room and looked out.

Standing beside another pickup truck was a woman. A blonde, fair-skinned woman. Definitely not an outdoor person was my first thought. She was young, maybe my age, good looking, and well dressed. The jeans were designer, the blouse was tailored and shaped to show off a pair of sizable breasts, and the boots looked fancy.

I wasn't sure who she might be, but she looked suspicious. Rance was leaning against the truck with his arms folded across his chest. From this distance I couldn't tell what his expression was, and I couldn't hear what they were saying. The conversation continued for sometime until the woman moved to Rance, put her arms around his neck, and kissed him ... hard, then hugged him closely. I saw his hands go to her hips, then they broke apart. The woman climbed into her truck and drove off with a small wave to him.

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Who was this woman and what was she doing poaching in my territory. She acted very familiar with him, and I didn't see any resistance on Rance's part when she made her move. And then it hit me. It was Lisa. Lisa Prentice, the woman who had spurned him and nearly destroyed him. And now she was back? A change of heart? How could he even consider taking up with her again? I would have it out with Rance when he came back to the house.

I was about to turn away and wait for Rance when I saw him stride quickly to his truck, get in, slam the door, and spin the wheels, throwing gravel as he sped out to the road and turned toward town. He was going after her. I couldn't believe it. He was going after her. After everything she did to him, he was going after her.

I sank into the big chair near the fireplace, my insides turning over furiously. I was absolutely destroyed. All the time and effort I had spent to get close to my dream man had been torn away by one visit from that blonde bitch. All my careful plans not to upset him or push him too fast were wasted. One kiss from her and he was lost. And ... so was I.

I walked slowly to the bedroom and began packing my things. There was no point in staying now. My whole reason for being here in the first place was now gone. I had lost to his first love, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. What made me think he'd be interested in a brown-skinned woman, anyway? Get real, Julie. It was never going to happen, no matter how hard you wished it would. It was time to go.

I sat down at the kitchen table and composed a note to the Camerons, thanking them for their hospitality and explaining an unexpected development called me away. It wasn't much, considering how well I had been treated, but it was all I could think of at the time. 

I sat in my car for a few moments, deciding which way to head. Back to Spokane? I still had a week-and-a-half of vacation left and I felt I was going to need that to make up my mind about my future. Stay with Kleinhauser? What if Rance came back? I wouldn't be able to work with him. Not now. Look for something else? Probably. Where to?

I hadn't been home in almost a year and a half, and that made the decision easier. I punched in my old home address on the GPS and looked at the map. South to Albuquerque, west on I-40 to Barstow, then west and north to Salinas. If I pushed it, I could be there tomorrow night. When I got a chance, I'd call my parents and let them know I was on my way. In the meantime, I turned off my cell phone, expecting a call from Rance at some point.

Chapter 5 Running for Cover

Flagstaff was a little less than half way, but I was getting a late start this morning. It would be my destination for the first day. Two gas stops later, I pulled into decent looking motel on the outskirts of the Arizona city. It was almost seven in the evening, and I was bone weary and stiff. I had set the cruise on something a little less than eighty, hoping that would keep me clear of the highway patrol. Either I was lucky or I had guessed right.

I had a shower to wash off the stink of being in the car all day, then a quick meal at the diner attached to the motel. I was tired, and after trying to watch a repeat of Criminal Minds, shut the TV and the bedside light off, and fell almost immediately to sleep.

I was surprised at how well I slept. I thought with all the turmoil surrounding my leaving the ranch, I would be too upset to get any rest, but along the way I had rationalized what had happened and accepted it. I was just a foolish little girl with dreams of her handsome cowboy that would never come to pass. I should have known better. 

Trying to get home from Flagstaff in one day was just too ambitious. I gave up at Lost Hills, where Highway 46 crossed I-5. From there it would be an easy drive to Salinas. Both my parents and siblings would be working, so no one would be home before five that evening. Come to think of it, it would be Friday night, so I wasn't sure if anyone would be home.

I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the old familiar number.

"Hey Mom, it's Julie. How are you?"

"I'm fine, Julie. Nice to hear from you. How are things in Spokane?"

"Actually, Mom, I'm in California, on my way home. I should be there early tomorrow afternoon."

"Wonderful. I only work half-days on Fridays, so I'll be here waiting for you. It will be good to see you. Is there anything wrong?" she asked as an afterthought.

"No ... nothing too much, Mom. I'll tell you all about what's been going on when I get there."

"Drive carefully, Julie. We'll be waiting for you."

I hung up feeling one hundred percent better.

I slept in Friday morning. I needed it. I'd had a restless night, dreaming about my lost love ... or at least my lost wanna-be love. He had filled my dreams, unlike the night before. I put it down to a delayed reaction. After a light breakfast in the café across the road, I checked out and was on my way again. 

I pulled into our driveway just after one o'clock. Mom's car was parked in the carport, but Dad's was gone; obviously at work. Mom must have heard the car, because she was out of the door and moving quickly to the car as I got out. I got a big bear-hug from her and a cooing sound of pleasure as we embraced.

I didn't bother with my luggage at that point, but followed Mom into the familiar surroundings of our family home. It was a bungalow, single level, four bedroom, pseudo-Spanish style. Since my brothers were still living at home, the house was still well occupied. We'd lived in this quiet neighborhood as long as I could remember.


I'm Not Lisa Ch. 04-06



My old room was just as I had left it. No one had used it in the year-and-a-half that I'd been gone. There was coffee on the stove and we sat at the kitchen table, talking about the family and other events that had gone on in town while I had been away. But after we got past that, she couldn't contain her curiosity any more.

"So, Julie, what happened? I can tell something brought you here unexpectedly."

There was no fooling mom. We had been closer than either of my brothers and she knew me too well not to recognize the signs. I poured it all out to her. Mixed with tears and anger, I told her everything, even the things I hadn't admitted to myself. I was in love with Rance Cameron and I had been rejected. It hurt, and my mother knew it.

I had pretty much got myself under control when the phone rang. It was my father, and they'd run out of product and would be shutting the trim and packaging line down early. He would be home in an hour, anxious to see his only daughter. I didn't want to tell my story all over again, and Mom took that burden off my shoulders. She would give Dad the abbreviated version.

Dad arrived just before three-thirty, followed by my brothers, Ramon and Raoul. What followed would have looked and sounded like chaos to most people, but was a typical homecoming for me. I had been away at Stanford for four years, seldom home even in the summer, and now for another year-and-a-half in Spokane. I was the wandering daughter, coming home to visit, not to stay.

My mother had clearly warned both my father and brothers that all was not well in my world, and they laid off the usual kidding and taunting I might have expected. I was grateful for that. I still hadn't really come to terms with how I felt about what had happened at the ranch. The discovery of Lisa was still fresh and painful.

"How long will you be staying?" my father asked. "We don't get to see you very often any more."

"I have to be back at work a week from Monday. It's a two day drive, so I'll be leaving early next Saturday morning. At least we'll have a week to catch up on what's been happening while I've been away."

"Wonderful," my mother said. "You should visit some of your old school friends while you have the chance."

"I will. I'll probably drive over to Monterey and see the sights. I haven't been there in years."

My father was nodding with a smile while my brothers were pretty much ignoring the conversation. 

I was sitting in my room looking through my senior high school year-book when Raoul appeared at the door. 

"Okay if I come in?"

"Sure. Find a seat. You look good ... for a brother," I kidded.

"You look great ... for a sister," he gave back.

There was an awkward pause while I gazed unseeing at the page I was on. I wondered what Raoul wanted.

"Mom told me what happened. I'm sorry to hear it. I'm glad you came home when you did, though. This is a good place to be ... with family, I mean."

I don't think I'd ever heard my older brother express any feelings toward me before. His comments weren't casual ... not throwaway lines to make himself feel better. He was sincere. I closed the annual and put it down. I was pretty sure he wanted to talk.

"I'll get over it, Raoul. It was a crush ... you know ... just like in high school when you think the quarterback is dreamy. I didn't think I was vulnerable to that at my age, but I was wrong. Now I have to put it behind me and get on with my life."

"It happened to me ... I mean ... the other way around," he said solemnly.

I looked up at him, surprised. He was always so confident and strong. The girls flocked to him. He never had to chase any of them. This was different.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"If you'd asked me yesterday, I'd have said no. But I could see how it was just like what happened to you when Mom told me about it. I was seeing this girl, Pamela Fortune. Her parents are Portuguese and came here many years ago. He's a fisherman. Anyway, we had been dating and I was thinking of asking her to marry me. We were that close. I'd even hinted around about that with her parents and didn't get any bad vibes, so I was pretty confident.

"Then, the next thing I know, she's telling me she wouldn't be going out with me any more. An old boyfriend was back in town and they had hooked up again. I felt like shit. Talk about getting dumped on. I took it, but I didn't like it. I wasn't much fun to be around for a month or so. Then, I heard she broke up with him. I didn't know what to think. In the end, I didn't do anything. I was pissed at her and I wasn't taking her back even if she wanted me to."

"That must have hurt, Raoul," I said, feeling the pain he was expressing. "I don't feel quite that bad, but I have to admit, I had dreams of this man and I being together, getting married, having kids, living on the ranch. It all seemed so easy, but it was never going to happen."

"You have to work with him, don't you? At least I don't have to see Pamela at all."

"Yes. That's going to be hard. Maybe he won't come back to Spokane. Maybe he'll stay at the ranch and look after it with his old girlfriend. I guess I'll find out when I get back in a week or so."

We talked for a few minutes longer before he left to go to his room. I felt good about our conversation. They say siblings don't really connect until they mature, and that seemed to be the case with my brother. Ramon, the youngest, was still playing the macho game, out romancing the ladies at every chance. He was going to be a little later developing that necessary maturity.

Over this weekend and the next week, I made contact with a few of my old high school girlfriends and got together with them when they could find the time. Most of them were married and had children, although a few had been married and divorced. The statistics in Salinas didn't seem to be any different than the rest of the country. 

I was checking my cell phone and noticed several calls and messages from Rance. I deleted them. I was glad I had caller ID, as it allowed me to ignore any calls from him. I wasn't ready to talk to him, and I didn't know when I would be. My real concern was what I would say when he asked the inevitable question: why did I leave?

I wasn't good at lying, but I still didn't want to admit the truth to him. If only he had shown even the slightest interest in me. But there was nothing. We had barely touched, and now I realized just how silly I was to fanaticize about a romance with man who had no interest in me. The more I thought about it, the more juvenile my ambitions were.

Chapter 6 Showdown

It was Sunday afternoon, three days after my arrival, when my phone rang and I flipped it open to see who was calling. I didn't recognize the phone number or the area code, so I decided to answer it.

"Hello?"

"You mind tellin' me just what the hell you were doin' runnin' off?"

I didn't have any doubt about the voice. 

"I decided to visit my family. I hadn't seen them in a long time." It was a carefully rehearsed lie that I had not expected to have to use quite this soon.

"You mean to tell me that between breakfast and ten o'clock you suddenly had a desire to visit your parents and just took off?" He sounded angry, but not out of control.

"I left a note."

"It didn't say anythin' except thank you. That's not an explanation."

"I'm sorry. It was a spur of the moment decision."

"I'll say. Where are you?"

"At home. In Salinas."

"You plannin' to come back to work next week?"

"Yes ... assuming I still have a job."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"I don't know. I thought you might be mad at me."

"Well, I am. But that doesn't mean I'm goin' to fire you. You and me have to have a long talk when you get back."

"Are you going back to Spokane?"

"Yes. I'll be there next Monday mornin', bright and early."

"I guess we can talk then," I said, resigned to my fate.

"I guess we can," he said, losing some of his indignant tone.

"I'll see you then."

"I hope so," he said in a completely different tone of voice.

"Bye."

"Bye."

And that was it. A few seconds of confrontation ending with a promise to meet in eight days. Now I could really sweat about what would happen. At least I knew what to expect. I just didn't know what to say.

I spent the rest of my vacation visiting friends, doing some sightseeing out on the coast, and generally trying to relax. It wasn't working. In the forefront was always the meeting Rance and I would have on Monday. After giving it some thought, I decided to leave for Spokane on Friday, a day early. It was nearly a thousand miles and I didn't want to be overtired when I came back to work.

I stopped in Klamath Falls Friday night, then pushed on to Kennewick on Saturday. From there to Spokane was a fairly short run. I would be rested for Monday morning, or so I thought. I didn't count on the restless night I spent in my apartment, wondering just what my encounter with Rance would be like the next day. I got very little sleep.

I crawled out of bed Monday morning with a sense of foreboding. It was bad enough that I didn't sleep well, worse again that I didn't know what to expect when I arrived at the office. I had a feeling I'd be looking for a new job soon. One way or another, I wasn't going to be able to work at Kleinhauser as long as Rance was there.

I forced myself to eat a proper breakfast, then picked up my briefcase and climbed into my car. In fifteen minutes I would be walking through the front entrance, perhaps for the last time.

I got a nice, "Hello, welcome back" from Lily at the reception desk and that picked me up a bit. I made my way to my office, key in hand to unlock the door. I needn't have bothered. The door was open and sitting in my chair was Rance, his feet up on the desk, and his hands linked behind his head.

"Good morning," I managed, although not sounding too sure of myself.

"Good mornin', Miss Sanchez," he growled in his now familiar rumbling voice.

Oh Oh! Miss Sanchez was probably code for "you're in trouble, girl."

He took his feet off the desk and stood from my chair. He held out his hand, indicating I should sit there. I slipped by him and put my briefcase where his boots had been, snapping the locks and opening it before I sat. Rance plopped himself down in a nearby chair at the front corner of the desk. Not a word had been said since our original greeting. 

I sat, my hands folded in my lap, waiting for him. He sat, hands folded in his lap, apparently waiting for me. One of us had to break the stalemate. It might as well be me.

"I want ...." That was as far as I got. 

Rance decided to talk at the same time. "Julie, we need ...."

Both of us sat there waiting for the other to start again. It was like some silly kids game. I tried again.

"I'm sorry, Rance. I should have been more polite, especially to your parents. I'll call them and apologize. I owe them that at least."

He nodded in agreement. "That would be nice. They were worried when you just disappeared. You and Mom were gettin' along great, so she especially didn't understand what happened."

"I know. It was thoughtless. I was brought up better than that."

"You want to tell me what happened?" he asked. I wondered why he couldn't figure it out by himself.

"I saw you with that blonde woman on Wednesday morning. I knew it must be Lisa. I saw you take off after her so that you two could get back together. You didn't need me around for that."

There, I'd got it all out.

Rance didn't do anything right away. He didn't smile or frown or jump out of his chair or anything like a reaction. He sat there and then slowly began to shake his head.

"You got all that information from a conversation and a little scene?" he asked, now a slight smirk on his face.

"It was pretty obvious who she was," I said. 

"Was it really?" Now he was almost laughing. "How much did you hear?"

"Nothing. You were too far away."

"Figures," he said, looking disgusted. "The blonde woman as you described her is my sister, Caroline. She came to me to ask me to help that no-account brother of mine get himself out of another mess. When I reluctantly agreed, she threw her arms around me to thank me, and then took off back to town. I followed her because I needed to do what I said I would do.

"I owe you an apology, though," he continued. "I got so mad at Billy I forgot you were in the house waitin' for me. By the time I remembered, I tried to call you on your cell, but you weren't answerin'. At least now I know why."

I don't know what my face looked like at that moment, but I was sure my natural tan was a good deal redder. I had made a bad assumption and without thinking, acted on it. I couldn't have felt more foolish if I tried.

Rance must have seen the look and understood it. He stood, came over to where I was and held out his hands. I took them and he pulled me up out of my chair. I was inches from his face when he put his arms around me and pulled me into his body. The kiss that followed was so completely unexpected that I didn't know how to respond.

"I think this was long overdue," he said quietly. Then he kissed me again, and I knew exactly what to do. 

This wasn't the time for explanations or excuses. I just wanted him to keep holding me. There was no time limit on it. It could go on forever as far as I was concerned. It was a light knock on the open door that got our attention.

"Looks like I might need to write a fraternization policy after all," Tim grinned.

I was ready to jump out of Rance's embrace, but he had no intention of letting me go. I'm sure my embarrassed coloring returned full blast.

"If it isn't urgent, can you close the door on your way out," Rance said with a smile.

Tim chuckled, turning and pulling the door closed behind him.

"Now ... where were we?" he said as he turned back to me, his face inches from mine, and his hold on my body unrelenting.

It was a rhetorical question. He leaned into another kiss, this one no less passionate than the first.

"I guess you have a right to have your doubts, girl. I've been tryin' to work up the nerve to do that for about six months. Big, brave Rance Cameron ... afraid of a beautiful woman. Some cowboy, huh?"

For once I wasn't at a loss for words. For once I could tell him what I'd been feeling all this time. 

"It was worth the wait. When I thought it was never going to be, I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't see myself working side-by-side with you. It would eat at me. These last two weeks have been horrible. You wouldn't believe how down I was."

"If you'd have answered your phone, you wouldn't have had to go through all that," he chided.

"I didn't want to know. I didn't want to hear you tell me that Lisa was back. I couldn't face it."

His response was to hold me more tightly, if that was possible. I didn't mind in the slightest. It was something I had longed for and now it was happening ... not a moment too soon.

We didn't talk. We just stood there, our arms around each other, not daring to let go for even an instant. It had taken so long to get to this place. At last, after what felt like several minutes, we separated.

"I guess we've got a lot to talk about," he growled quietly, looking at me intensely.

"I guess we do," I agreed.

"This isn't the best place. Why don't we go to my apartment?"

"Fine." If he'd asked me to walk across hot coals, I'd have agreed at that point.

We left my office and closed and locked the door behind us. We walked together out through the main office and past Lily at the front desk without saying a word to anyone. If anyone said anything to us, I didn't hear it. I was in my own little world at that point, and nothing could have distracted me. 

Rance's apartment surprised me in that it was spotless, not what I expected. It was minimalist, with basic furnishings and little decoration, which wasn't as unexpected. Then again, I didn't get that much time to inspect it. After he'd closed the door behind me, he stood with his hands on my shoulders, shooting bursts of electricity through me.

I turned to him, wrapped my arms around him, tilted my head upward and met him with a deep, passionate kiss. There was little doubt about what came next. He led me to the bedroom and then stopped, as if questioning me whether this was what I wanted. Another kiss told him what he needed to know and he began to undress me.

I hadn't had a lot of experience with men ... mostly boys really. I'd had sex with a half dozen males since I became active at seventeen. Some of the experiences weren't very satisfactory, but a couple were at least pleasant and gave me some idea of what good sex could be. 

Rance was a revelation. We didn't have sex, we made love. I could tell the difference. It was all in how he approached me. He wasn't in a hurry and wasn't thinking about his own satisfaction. He made it plain without saying a word that he was trying to please me, and my god did he ever. For a while, I thought I was the only woman in the world and he was the only man.

However long it was afterwards, we lay together under the sheets, quietly thinking about what had just happened and what it all meant. I knew what I wanted it to mean, but ... what about Rance.

"What now?" I finally ventured.

"I thought ..." he began tentatively. "I thought maybe we should talk about how we wanted this to go. I know what I want. I want to marry you. But ... what about you?"

"Marry me! Like ... with a wedding?" I couldn't get my head around his simple statement.

"Yeah ... marry you. I love you, Julie. I have for some time. I just never got around to tellin' you."

"No ... you sure as hell didn't." I was a little put off by the casual way he talked about it. For months we hadn't even touched, now he wanted to marry me? 

"I think we need some time to get to know each other better," I said, not sure I meant it.

"Okay. How about we talk about that. What is it that you don't know about me?"

"Lots of things."

"Like what?"

"I don't know ... like ... do you snore?" I tried, pulling it out of nowhere.

He started to laugh. "How the hell would I know? I'd be asleep at the time." 

He paused for a few moments, looking at me intently as he thought.

"Why don't you tell me what's really botherin' you?"

I knew it was coming sometime. It might as well be now.

"I don't think you're over Lisa. I think part of you is waiting for her to come back."

I saw his eyes go wide, but I wasn't sure if it was surprise, or anger, or something else.

"You know, for a smart girl, you sure do jump to strange conclusions in a big way. Lisa is gone. Long gone. Five years gone. Yeah, she hurt me and I didn't handle it very well, but trust me ... she's gone!"

The vehemence with which he had made that last statement shocked me. I wondered if he wasn't trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince me.

"I'm not Lisa."

"What?"

"I'm not Lisa. I'm Julie. I don't have blue eyes, or blonde hair, and I don't switch horses in mid-stream," I said with as much emphasis as I could.

He looked a bit stunned, but finally uttered, "Red."

"Red what?"

"She has red hair."

I couldn't help myself, I started to laugh. The conversation was so broken and unconnected ... and yet ... and yet ... we both knew what we were trying to tell the other.

"You sure she's gone?"

"Like the wind," he said, cracking a smile.

We lay in the bed quietly for a while, but I could sense a question was coming from Rance. When it did, it wasn't one I was prepared for.

"You always been touchy about your heritage? You know ... bein' Mexican?"

"No!" I said immediately. "I'm proud of my heritage. Does it bother you?"

"Nope. Somewhere back in my father's side of the family is some Navaho and Mexican blood."




I'm Not Lisa Ch. 04-06



"So ... why did you ask me?"

"I got the impression it was on your mind. Like somethin' you had to worry about whether I would accept you or not."

I don't know how he got to it, but his comment cut like a knife. I couldn't deny it. I was sensitive about my skin color and the fact that I was of Mexican descent. I had been since I was a little kid. I always expected that I'd marry a man of the same race. When Rance came along, it was like a fairytale for me. I could pretend he might see past my appearance, who I was, what I looked like.

"I'm proud of who I am," I tried. I wasn't very convincing. "Besides ... there's nothing I can do about it."

"No more than I can do anythin' about who I am or where I came from. We're lucky, Julie. We came from happy families and we got a lot of breaks growin' up. I was the oldest, so my sister was always waitin' her turn. I was expected to take over the ranch some day, so I was the one all the effort was put into."

"I'm the middle child. But I was a girl, so I didn't have to worry about taking over any family responsibilities. I would go to school, get married, have children, and make my parents happy. I messed all that up with the college scholarships and my career."

"Do you think your folks are disappointed?"

"No. I think it was all in my head. I worked hard to make sure it didn't turn out that way."

"Somethin' like your issue with your background?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean ... it's all in your head. I don't care about you bein' Hispanic. Although, I must admit I like the all-over tan," he grinned. 

I smacked him in mock anger, then immediate recoiled in horror. I had hit him on a large, fading scar on his chest. The missing rib, I guessed.

"I'm sorry. That was a terrible thing for me to do," I cried.

He hadn't flinched, or even acted like he had noticed. He rolled toward me and pulled me into him. His scent was intoxicating and I felt incredibly safe in his arms. He would never let any harm come to me. I knew that for a certainty.

"You'd have to hit me a lot harder than that to hurt me. Haven't you heard that cowboys are tough hombres?"

"Yeah ... I think I did hear that somewhere," I said, happy that I hadn't hurt him.

"We can get hurt, though. It doesn't have to be a punch or a bullet. Sometimes words can hurt more than anythin'," he said, looking at the ceiling.

"I told you, Rance, I'm not Lisa. I won't do that to you." 

"So ... you'll marry me then?" he asked timidly.

"Maybe. Not right away."

"Maybe? What's that mean?" I could tell I had unsettled him.

"It means maybe. When I get to know you better and you can convince me that you're really in love with me and not just ... I don't know ... in like."

"I am in love with you. I told you that already."

"Yeah. I heard the words. But there's more to it than that. You've got to search inside yourself and be sure. This is for life, Rance."

"Are you in love with me?" he asked, again without a lot of confidence.

"Yes. I am. I knew for sure when ... when that screw-up with your sister happened. I don't think I've ever felt that lousy in my life. All those hours we spent together in the office ... just talking. I got to know more about you than I ever expected. I told your mother that you were almost too good to be true. But it can't be a one-sided love affair. It has to be both of us wanting the same thing. Both of us feeling the same about each other. Both of us knowing what's at stake if it all goes wrong." 

Once again, he lay quietly beside me, gazing at the ceiling.

"What will it take to convince you?"

"I don't know. It's you that has to convince you, Rance. You have to believe. I mean really believe. I won't ... I can't ... settle for anything less."

"How can we work this out?" he asked quietly.

"Being together can't hurt. Learning everything there is to learn about each other. That's what people do before they get married ... if they're smart."

"Bein' together sounds good to me. I like that idea," he grinned, turning toward me.

"Yeah ... I'll bet. You've already translated that into sex, haven't you?"

"Well ... it was a logical conclusion, wasn't it?"

"For a guy!" I reached over and pinched his nose lightly. "We need to see each other when we aren't at our best, or on our best behavior. We need to get to know the real person."

"I know one way we can do that," he suggested. "We can live together."

"We can try it. It will give us a chance to see each other the way we would if we were married."

"Then ... you agree ... we can live together?" He didn't sound like he quite believed it.

"Yes. But there are some other questions that need to be answered first. What about the ranch?"

"Yeah. That is a complication all right," he admitted.

"So ... what was your plan when you came back here to see me?"

"I just wanted you back. I didn't care if it was here or at the ranch. I just wanted you back."

"What about the ranch. Who's looking after things while you're away?"

"Charlie and Dad. When Charlie's not sure about what to do, he's goes to see Dad."

"Is that going to work ... long term?"

He sighed, "Nope."

"Then, as I see it, you need to be at the ranch. Someone needs to be at Kleinhauser. That makes living together impossible, doesn't it?"

"Maybe not. I've been workin' to find a replacement for me that can do my job properly. I may have found one. Ex-army, of course," he smiled ruefully.

"What about Tim?"

"He'll be okay. He knew in the beginning that this wasn't goin' to be permanent. Hell, I've been there three years longer than I ever intended to be."

"Okay ... how long will it take to train your replacement?"

"A month ... maybe a little less."

"And what about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I asked. What about me? Doreen could do my job with about a weeks training at most. That would leave me free to be with you."

He waggled his eyebrows, then a chuckle rumbled from his chest. 

"Then there'd be nothin' stopping you from comin' with me to the ranch."

That seemed to settle the details. I had agreed to be with him at the family ranch. It seemed like such a simple decision.

"So why did you recruit me for your assistant," I asked after a while.

"It was the best way I could think of to get close to you," he confessed.

"I thought so! But ... if you were planning to get close to me, you didn't do a very good job. You never so much as touched me the entire year I was in that office."

"Sexual harassment."

"What about it?"

"I was tryin' to figure a way to get close to you without it bein' perceived as sexual harassment."

"And you never could bring yourself to tell me how you felt, despite all that private time we spent together?"

"What private time? We were still in the office. I couldn't take the chance that somethin' I said would be misinterpreted."

"So instead, you took no chance at all."

"Yeah."

I sighed my frustration. "A whole damn year wasted."

"We can catch up," he said hopefully.

"So ... listening to your plan, when would we move to the ranch?"

"Soon as we get our replacements in place. There's plenty of room there and you'd get a feel for what bein' on a ranch was like. It wouldn't be a shock then."

"I suppose. But Rance, when it comes to being in love with my man, it doesn't really matter where we go, as long as we're together."

"I was hopin' you'd feel that way. If I had to give up the ranch to be with you, I would. I'd already made that decision."

"Really!" That caught me by surprise. The message was unmistakable. He would go where he had to go to be with me. I can't express the feeling that gave me. It was a cross between warmth and excitement. Maybe I had underestimated his feelings for me. 

We never did go back to the office that afternoon. In fact, aside from Rance fixing what he described as his gourmet lunch of grilled cheese on rye, canned tomato soup, and milk, we were barely out of bed. I was going to be very sore the next day, but at the time, it wasn't on my mind. A thousand other things were, but they would have to wait.

As a lover, Rance was every woman's dream. Considerate, gentle when need be, powerful when wanted, virile, and most of all, patient. I really didn't expect him to be so perfect, despite the imaginary persona I had constructed for him. My previous experience with men was limited, I admit, but Rance was so much better than anything I had experienced that it wasn't a fair comparison.

If it sounds like I'm describing Superman, I guess I am. He was my Superman. He was perfect. I'd been around him enough to know just what he was and what he wasn't. Aside from his reluctance to tell me how he felt about me, I couldn't find a fault I couldn't live with. The fact that most of the women at Kleinhauser had the "hots" for him tended to confirm my opinion. But the acid test would be living with him. It was that last step that I knew I had to take.



Editing by ErikThread and DaveT with my thanks.

To Be Continued