0 comments/ 13708 views/ 0 favorites Forever Alone? By: Grntmb Grace had done pretty well by herself. John, her soul mate of over eleven years, had died over ten years ago and even though she had always let him run the show she had done a pretty good job running things. Everything she wanted she had at the house; there was no need to go out except to go to the grocery store late at night every so often. However, the one thing she wasn’t good at were mechanical things. Luckily the house was well built, and they had bought good appliances and such, so there had been no need for her to call anyone to fix anything for a long time. This time however, she’d need to call a plumber. The water pipe to the icemaker in her refrigerator leaked badly. She really couldn’t do with water all over the floor; it might leak into the floorboards, so she called the name John had left in his Rolodex. She waited for the plumber to arrive. She wondered if it would be a man or a woman. Grace started to feel things she had not felt in a long time. She wondered if this would be the first time she would have a man over to her house, alone, since John had died. She had longed for the company of another man, but either the opportunity never presented itself, or things just didn’t feel right to pursue. The service had said the plumber should arrive at 3pm; shouldn’t be long. Buzz! Buzz! The plumber had arrived. She opened the door to see a man in uniform. It’s a man. He’s the spitting image of John at the age of twenty. His jaw is square, has dark brown hair, and deep blue eyes that she could easily get lost in. Her heart started to beat a little faster. She caught herself staring at him, before she has time to talk he said, “I’m the plumber here to fix the refrigerator. You did say 3pm. I’m not late am I?” “No, you’re right on time. Please come in. I’ll show you the way,” she said. Grace leads him through to the back where the kitchen is. “Here it is. It just seemed to stop with no warning. Hope you can fix it.” “No problem. I’ll get started right away,” he said. She notices a patch on his chest with the name Jon written on it. This was too hard to believe. She remembered all the great times she and John had had together. He was a superb lover. There was never a time she was left wanting when they made love. She decided to stick around. Maybe she could get to know the plumber on a social level with maybe things to grow more intimate later on. The plumber stood not more than an arm lengths distance away; she could smell Jon’s cologne. It had the unmistakable scent of sandalwood. Yum, sandalwood was one of her favorite scents. She admired his calloused hands, and the rippling muscles in his forearms. Even though he looked very strong, he handled the small pipes with amazing dexterity. “It looks as if I’m going to need to do a little welding. Could you help me?” Grace’s heart skipped a beat. That would mean she would have to get very close to him. “Sure, I’d be glad to help out.” Her pulse started to quicken. She hadn’t planned to get this close to him this quick. Jon motioned down, and she got down on her knees. It being such a tight, little place their hips touched each other. “Here can you hold these pipes? Hold them still. I don’t want to burn you,” he said. He lit the blowtorch. The power of the torch sent out blue flame, and soon he had his solder ready to begin the process. After what seemed just like a little over a minute he shut of the torch. “Thank you very much for helping. You should join the plumbers union,” he said with a laugh. His smile was contagious. Her heartbeat pounded out of her chest. It was now or never. She leaned over and gave him a quick, soft kiss on the lips. She opened her eyes to discover his smile. He looked straight into her eyes. He leaned toward her and planted a soft yet very passionate kiss. This time he didn’t release. He continued to press his wanting lips to hers, Grace returned his every advance. He took her head in both his strong, young hands and turned her head slightly to the side so he could get even closer. Soon their tongues played with each other. It was too tight a space to continue. They got up without unlocking their lips and they lay on the blue tiled kitchen floor. He put his hand behind her head to gently lay her down. He went to unbutton her blouse, but she held his hand. They released their lips. Grace said, “Not quite yet. I want to take you in some more.” With that they began to kiss each other. After a little more tongue play John worked his way down to her ear lobe. She let out a small moan of pent up passion that had been waiting to be released. Soon the nibbles sent signals that she had not felt from a man in a long time. He let go of her lobes and continued to nibble down her neck. Again she felt that special signal to her lovebox. Grace wanted to see more of Jon. She started to unbutton his shirt. Soon his soft tufts of chest hair could be seen. She flattened her hand and rubbed his chest. His hair felt so wonderful and soft; there is nothing like a man with chest hair. She rested her head over his heart. She could feel every beat on her cheek. While she took him in, he took each shoulder in his hands, massaging them gently. He could tell she carried all her tension there. She deserved a good massage. He lifted her up to a sitting position and then turned her around. He began to rub her shoulders in earnest. The sweet smell of her perfume was intoxicating; he had to get closer to its source. Moans of tension emanated from Grace’s lips. He knew he had found something she desired. What else might she desire? Jon sniffed her hair; Grace could feel his warm breath. Mmm, it felt good to have someone so close to her again. What would he do next? He’s been on target with everything. She could feel his breath work it’s way behind her ear and then down to the nape of her neck. Memories of John flooded her thoughts. She felt the unmistakable touch of his tongue and she was suddenly back to the unbelievable present. Shivers of pleasure shot down her spine. Jon looked down Grace’s partially open blouse; he could see each curvaceous breast heave with every breath. They looked so creamy and delicious. In one smooth movement he had his arms around her neck, and his hands at her buttons. He unbuttoned one. No reaction. He unbuttoned another; still no reaction. He got down to where her blouse was tucked into her pants; he gently started to tug at it. It pulled all the way out. Only two more buttons remained; he unfastened them. Jon let her blouse open to reveal her white lace bra. Still kissing the side of her neck he reached over and tenderly put his hand inside her bra. Oh, how it felt to have a man touch her there. It had been so long. Grace wanted his hand all the way in, so she unfastened the front of her bra to release her breasts from their confines. He took both breasts in his hands cupping them in such a way that there was no more weight to pull her down. He took each nipple between his fingers and started to gently twirl them back and forth. She let out a moan. “Oh, yes,” she exclaimed, “I want you inside me. Please get inside me!” Jon took her shirt completely off and lifted her up, and turned her toward him and started to remove her pants. Soon she was completely naked. After she pulled off his shirt she went for his pants next to remove them from his luscious body, but he held her back. Face to face he bent over her neck to massage her skin with his tongue. He slowly worked his way down. He reached her breast and took her left nipple into his mouth. She moaned, louder than she had that day. She took his head into her hands and pulled him closer to her, her scrumptious breast pushed flat. His hands at her waist he continued to suckle. Grace’s other breast lacked attention and lay wanting. She gently pulled him over. He arrived at the other breast; another moan escaped her mouth. How good his warmth felt. He started to make circles with his tongue around her nipples getting further away, but before you knew it he started to work his way back; her nipples began to tighten. She arched her back and let out another moan. Jon worked his tongue down her belly, Jon knelt, his face level with the soft hair between her legs. He could smell her sweet aroma and longed to taste her. He lowered his hand down to the back of her thighs and pulled himself closer. He licked around her patch to target in on her tight slit till he hit the bullseye. He poked his tongue out to taste her juices. He took his hand and gently parted her pussy lips. He lightly kissed on the inside of her lips all the way around. Jon then took his tongue and retraced his kisses. Oh how it felt to have his warm, wet tongue to touch her there. Jon worked his tongue back up to the top of her slit and pulled her now loose lips apart. He plunged into her and found her most sensitive spot. As soon as he touched it with his tongue her body shook and she let out a little yelp. As he continued to massage this special spot the sensation inside of her continued to grow and grow till she couldn’t hold it in any longer. She arched her back and let out a howl of satisfaction. She had reached orgasm. “Please, please, I want you inside me,” she yelled. Jon let her go, stood up, and proceeded to take the rest of his clothes off. As she watched his beautiful body appeared from its hiding place she took her hand down to her womanhood and began to massage herself. Mmm, was she wet. She had not been this wet in such a long time. She loved the feel of her juices inside her. Jon lay down on the floor. He pulled her down with him with his hand. Her beautiful breasts dangled in front of him, turning him on even more. He reached up with his mouth to take a reddish pink nipple between his teeth as he gently pulled it down. It snapped back, her breasts jiggled like jelly. He grabbed his cock to carefully maneuver it toward her love canal. His mushroom head soon parted her lips to the side; she could feel the warmth of his member deep inside her. It felt so wonderful to her to have a man all the way inside of her. Grace soon began to ride his pole up and down. Jon began to match her hip movements He wanted to make each thrust longer and longer. Not having ridden on top in so long she slowed down. Jon realized what happened, and without removing his cock, gently rolled over and laid her on her back. He spread her legs apart a little and continued his manly thrusts. They both begin to grunt in unison. Their bodies glistened with sweat. That unmistakable feeling started to come back into her body. Soon she arched her back and lifted her hips with his every thrust. She cried out “Oh yes, baby! I’m cumming!” Jon stopped for a brief second then continued. Then a sudden warmth in her body sent her over the edge to her second orgasm. He continued to thrust with more seed having been shot inside her. Soon it leaked out her slit. Jon’s member could no longer hold its stiffness. He pulled out and lay on his side. Grace had always wondered what she tasted like. She moved down, took his cock in her hand, and started to lick her one of a kind lollipop. Yum, the taste of their two love juices together made for a delicious snack. The licking she gave him soon had his member back at attention. She had always wanted it doggy style and now here was her chance. She bent down on all fours and waved her ass in the air. Jon didn’t need more than a second to get her drift. He got behind her and found her now swollen clit with his manhood. He easily went in. He pulled her hips toward him, and then pushed her away quickly. She could feel every ridge and vein along his member as it passed through her canal. His thrust got harder. His soft, hairy, balls began to make a slap noise against her ass. Her tits began to sway in time to his thrust; every so often they nearly slapped her in the face. Their sweat covered bodies slid quickly against each other. Their grunts filled the room. She could feel another orgasm about to begin. Oh how she’d love to cum again! Oh yes, she could feel it about to come; she could no longer hold it in. As she screamed in pleasure she arched her back to lift her ass closer to Jon. The scream was all it took for Jon to cum. His hot jets of cum shot deep inside her. It felt so comforting to feel his seed inside her. Grace wanted to be next to him forever. She got up and led him to her bedroom where they snuggled and made love for the rest of the day and night. She had found her man; she would not be alone. Forever Alone's Guide After my exile from my home to study the dull career of computer programming, I've been overexposed to the internet trolling and the quite side of living the bachelor's life. For me it was weird to image that some people couldn't blossom as I did, but some people just won't shut up about how its SOOO hard to find anyone. This is list for that "Forever Alone" guy that seems to have it all but can't use any of it. This list is for the guy who is nice, shy, kind but never seemed to get his break. This list is for that amateur looking for love or just a girl for the night. This list is more about the stories I had in my long-lived short life, a collection of success and failures, but more importantly a collection of lessons. I'm not a miracle worker dammit, and if something like "so.....you wanna go to a motel?" can be spewed from your mouth (like it did from mine that one time) then this list is the LEAST of your priorities. I don't claim to know anything and this I purely made on my own experience and this doesn't mean I'm right or you're wrong. If you get a laugh or a little spark of knowledge, then I'm glad to be of service. If you are offended or disgusted by this, send me a letter and ill make sure to file it in a round filing cabinet along with my expired milk carton. 1) There are no boundaries. None! All the limitations and excuses we make don't exist. It's all in our minds. Age, position, class, relationship status, don't matter. It took me some time to understand this concept even thou Gustavo, my manager at my old job and my best bud Freddy kept telling me this. It hit me after I had a random conversation with a girl online, and was confirmed after approaching a girl who seemed miles out of my league. It's hard to explain this concept, especially to a pessimistic person because it truly depends on your own self-worth. I was randomly wasting my time on the internet laying in the sea otter position with my laptop, as all my stuff was in storage or sold to pay the rent and tuition, and my true life calling slowly drifting away, and I was chatting with a random girl. Random bullshit, and then the topic switched to sex like it tend to do on that website. We shared some dialog and some experiences, I don't quite recall how, we started to describe in detail how we would "service" each other. One hot sexting session later, she was already offering me to come to Dallas and spend the week, and I quote, "fucking her brains out". Alas I had to refuse, as I had a job interview in the morning, but we'll keep in touch till next time. This made me wonder, if it was in fact that simple? In high school I wasn't the football jock that went to parties and got laid. I was the geeky nice guy who hung out with in the small clique of good friends with mutual interest where we all complained about not getting laid, not having jobs, and similar teenage bullshit. And then comes this hot, five ten brunette who digs your style, and guess what, even after your friends tell you "she's out of your league, she's too hot, she's too smart, she's never even talk to you, she probably has a man, she's two years older then you" ends up "inviting you up for some tea". So to your standards, and boundaries, and limitations, I say nay! Nay I tell ya! Too bad that Maria had I different career in mind and left, but I wish her all the best, where ever she maybe now. I just hope she remembers me. 2) Things are A LOT simpler then we think. The best plans are the simplest ones. When things get complicated, things go wrong. Don't plan to go to meet your friend at a party where he might or might not invite his buddies' girlfriends' friend, and then blamed the aforementioned friend for not inviting her. Don't think that every girl in the radius is married or taken. Don't think girls have super complex password lock on their panties that only comes off if you submit to their every whim. Don't think you have to be a millionaire playboy basketball rockstar model to hook up with a girl. And don't think girls don't want sex (see entry 9). Things are simple, and they don't need to be complicated. People tend to over-think too much and try to predict and prepare for everything, which is in fact impossible. That's actually the reason my roommate still can't get laid, and that bastard has some of the best openers and conversations started. Too bad that after about a day talking him you feel like shooting yourself in the face. Maybe that's why he is 29 and still can't get laid. Sure Oleg, you CHOOSE to be a virgin and don't trust women. The best plans are the simplest ones. "Hey, I had a nice chat with you, how about we grab dinner and talk more in a quieter place?" or even "Damn girl you a fine dancer, how 'bout I we head up to the club on Saturday night, show me some of yo moves". Then you await her response and then your build your schematics. If "Yes" then comes the digits and plans are made (see entry 11). If "No" then comes your next move (see entry 13, 16). It's not rocket science, you are two adults looking to spend time together, and I don't understand why it has to be so hard. 3) Never back her into a corner, but always try to manipulate her answer to what you want. No pressure, there is always a way out and she must always feel that she is in charge whether she is or not. This is where the introductory story comes. It's one thing being pushy and another just being creepy, and it's a fine line for some people if humor isn't you cup of tea. At this house party I meet a young blonde girl and we hit it off well. Both into music, starting to work in the IT sphere and after the initial introductions and rules of the conversations (see rule 17) we went out to get some cigs. Ironically enough it took some time to find anything open as that damn mountain town seems to stop living after 10pm, the time when I woke up and got ready to go out, on a Saturday mind you. That's where the moves were made, tensions created, and numbers and plans exchanged. She wasn't drunk enough and I wasn't sober enough for me to make my move but some failed results followed, but none compared to the ultimate fail when we went out for a quick beer run. As stated before, I turned to her and asked "so....you wanna go to a motel" to which she responded "what for?" and me leaning in for a kiss. If that wasn't creepy enough let's take into fact that she was in a parked car on a random unknow street, after we found out that there is no alcohol after 12 in this damn mountain town, and she is miles away from the party alone with some guy she met 3 hours and half a bottle of vodka earlier. Yeah I'm surprised Alexa even looked at me in the eyes after we got back to the party. I'm sure many of you are either on the floor laughing at my stupidity or shaking you head in disappointment. Either way, yeah, I know. 4) Slow down all your movements and speech about 50 percent. Always pay attention to your posture. Straighten out your back, keep your head up high and keep that "damn I'm sexy" look on at all times. Some say "Dress as if you are going to get laid today" I say you can get laid with a T shirt that say "I have herpies" if you keep a proper attitude about it (if someone actually tries that, it would be epic). First rule to white guy class (not swag, swag is for dudes, class is for men) is confidence. It's easier to drive smooth at a slower speed, and it is pointless to drag race if you crash into a pole seconds after, with your new BMW that your thrifty father finally let you buy on craigslist with your own cash. Same applies here in terms of control. Walking slow with your back straightened shows you are presenting yourself at all times. Talking slower is always more understandable and nicer to the ear then blasting away your entire day like a minigun to your best friend who is playing Call of Duty and can only respond with "yeah, cool story bro". If you can show class and posture while running, and can rap like Busta Rhymes in your everyday conversations then my hat is off to you. Also, remember that face when you are dressed for an interview, in this new Armani suit and your hair is just right and you can actually taste the gum after the excessive amount of mouthwash it took to clean up that motorbreath from smoking a pack of spirits yellow? Yeah, that face, where you just want to go "Yeah, I'd fuck this". Try to keep that face everywhere you go. Just don't forget your "I got herpies" t shirt. 5) Remember, you are the prime candidate, just like during a job interview; you are what she wants and needs. You are great and at your prime, whether she believes it or not. As long as you believe it, then it is true. This was truer at an actual interview for me rather than a metaphor for ones love life, but it stands true none the less. "Hey John, listen I didn't realize you only had 2 years of experience and jeezs.....what are you like 19, 18?" is what a recruiter asked me over the phone after our initial swap of papers and expectations. "But listen, after reading your experience and what you did at your company, that's exactly what they are looking for, I mean talk about young blood, ill schedule an interview with the manger, I think he's gonna love you". Indeed, I was exactly what they wanted, but not what they were looking for. The other candidates had over 8 years of experience and a college rep sheet, while I faked finishing highschool and was too lazy to go to college because my band finally took off. If the same winning spirit came to me while I tried to ask out Jackie then maybe I wouldn't have just sat by and watched as some half backed short douchebag with a "My Chemical Romance" T shirt come and take her away to McDonalds for a "date". I mean, Jackie....why? We could have had it all! I thought I wasn't good enough for her and always had a low marking for myself especially for Jackie, but after seeing what kind of shit she settled for, it was quite a shame to see that I in fact WAS the prime candidate over that emo douchebag. 6) Its about trying not about succeeding. Never leave with the thought "what if I did that". Always try, no matter what. Even if you don't succeed, at least you tried. I'm sure many guys compared this rule to baseball, but frankly baseball is dull as hell to watch for me. I'd rather compare it to beer. Beer has always been a good catalyst to starting something, even if dangerous at times (see rule 20) but it always led to some kind of story. This brings me back to two examples of "what if..." scenarios. When I was in 8th grade, the word leaked out that I had a mad crush on this hot blonde in my drama class. I don't know how the female clothes work, but you could see her panty line from across the room when she got up to do improve. What if I talked to her, what if I asked her out, what if instead of deny that I like her I said "yeah, what of it", what if? What tortured me even more was that she was in EVERY one of my highschool classes freshman year, and I couldn't escape this damn "what if" feeling. In senior year however, when my buddies and I finally started a band after talking about it for such a long time, it happened. During one of our lunchtime gigs I saw a rocker chick with blue highlights in the crowd watching our show. I saw her around the school and was intrigued before, but now she was here in front of me. Inspired by the power of rock and roll and after blazing through my finish solo along with finishing the set, I saw.....that she was gone. Fuck.....not again, not this time. I ask my buddies to cover and I chase after her with my guitar still in on me. I find her near my English class and bust the cheesiest line ever. "Hi, im John, I don't know who you are, but I think you are awesome". And yes, it worked. She guest appeared in our band and I was at her house when her dad was out working the next week. She had a thing for incents, and I had a thing for her big boobs, so it worked out well. Don't let "what if" be your life. I came out to Marsha at our graduations (well, her graduation because I didn't graduate on stage or at all for that matter) and told her about the misunderstanding and how I felt about her. As for Stephanie, she dumped me 3 weeks after and last time I checked was taking it up the ass from my "friend" Diego. But I got no regrets; I let that play it how it did. At least I tried. 7) Lying is acceptable if you can back it up. Telling the truth is the best form of a lie. It's best not to lie, but if it becomes necessary, then make sure it sounds convincing. If people don't believe the truth and rather hear a lie, then you're better of telling people what they want. The best liar is not the one that practice but the one that almost never lies. Keeping the story straight is important, and yes, you can claim to be a Hollywood producer who's casting women to be in his new blockbuster film, but you better have a greenscreen and a camera at home to back it up, or keys to Universal back-lot if you know people. Hell, even my fake id had my real name and date of birth (except the year of course) just to make sure that my story was straight. Women or anyone for that matter don't like to be lied to their faces (or at least by an amateur). Lie at your own risk. I screw up a relationship because she didn't believe the truth when I finally stopped lying. Her loss I guess. 8) Treat her like your little sister. You like her but don't really care. You choose to hang around her, and although you have interested and are willing to listen and accept her opinion and voice, she needs to listen to you. Mind you, I'm all for women's rights even though I have been called a misogynist by some on my ex's. If you are a feminist, it your right to think and say what you please, but I'd be damned if you tell me not to think or say what I please. There are women who like to be on top, in fact Tani liked that a lot, but when it came to paying for meals, and opening doors, guess who had to do that? I like that feisty attitude she brought along with her to the table (or rather the bed), but when it came down to doing something she couldn't do, I had my fun pointing it out to her, with SOME restraint of course. If you truly believe in equality and want an exact split in power and all that good stuff, then again, I salute you. While you do that I plan to head over to my local club or bar and try my luck in the "real" world. 9) Remember, you DON'T want sex, she wants sex. Women are freaks. They want it more than men, and yes, they watch porn and dream of being in a gangbang. When pushing for sex your doing both you and her favor. I'm sure we all heard women talking about the whole "unfair" comparison when they have a lot of sex they are called sluts wile dude are called studs. I'm also sure we all heard that a key that opens many doors is a master key, and a door that opens to any key, is.....a slut. There is nothing wrong with that though, I don't agree fully with man-whoring or even woman-whoring at times (see entry 13), but we all got a sexdrive and it is pointless to think otherwise. During my time with a lady of the evening, this was more apparent than ever. Andy was like a bank teller, always happy and helpful in every step of the way, and upon seeing her on the street you wouldn't even guess what she does for a living with her look and attitude. Now there was a woman that loved her job. Not exactly the lustful temptress I expected from an escort, but more like a friend that let you borrow her gameboy during class while the teacher wasn't looking. What really gave it away was when she asked to stick an eight inch dildo in her ass while I was doing her doggy style (subtle, I know). But it's a good feeling to know someone "got off" on you, once with you on top and again with a self double penetration. She gave me a backrub afterwards as well just to seal the deal. I still think she looks like a chubby version of Katy Perry. Very classy, even offered me a shower when we finished. Another noteworthy incident I can recall was with the stripper Elena (see previous body of work). She rocked my world in that private room, and if she still worked at that club I would have gladly came back for some helping of that Ukrainian hottie! In a place like that I managed to find someone like her and share a moment of passion, and not have to pay with money or emotional baggage. Not only was it amazing, it was the only thing real that I could find in that place. Still glad I didn't get herpies or found out I got a kid somewhere in Dallas. 10) The less you care the better. The more you say you ignore her, the better. I see it as an art form. Not caring forces the other person to step into your category and to contribute time and attention. I'm sure we all came to a situation where a cute girl liked you and was willing to do anything for you, while you were ready to be stepped on by Carrie and her high heels while she completely ignored you but for some reason always seems to talk to you. Even though Brittany was nice and caring and everything a normal guy can settle for, I wanted Carrie, the "no nonce" heavy metal chick, always displaying her allegiance with her low cut "Megadeth" t shirt, and eyeliner that would make covergirl blush. Why? Because she was the dream, she was the display model, the first place prize. Without make up and deep in her studies she was a normal girl and if we would be in a relationship this hot rocker chick persona would fade and the novelty of "yeah, I tapped that" does wear off. It was the fact that she presented herself as that and cared less, while Brittany was at my feet ready for me to change my mind and come to her, which I never did (see entry 13) 11) Discuss plans and activities like you would in a car dealership. Don't settle for less. You want more at the best price, and if not, then you're walking out right now. You don't want a coffee date and maybe a kiss on the check, you want to take her somewhere nice and get laid after. You have a deal for her and you will not take "No" for an answer, like wise if you are discussing favors and you want her to do something for you. When I was hanging around Erin, which to this day I can't forgive myself for, I learned that you can and will become what the woman wants. God I can't believe I had to sit there and tell that dumb bitch that I'm NOT driving to Hollywood to help her pick up coke and weed from her dealer. What's worse is that I agreed to it after receiving the WORST blowjob in history. Yes guy, I know there is no such thing as a bad blowjob, but trust me I was most dissatisfied with a girl sucking my dick. What's worse is that I stuck around through her terrible music and her retarded white girl ebonics for some second base action and bought her smokes for plans for anal. I think I struck a new low when I smoked that cig with her and made out with that ashtray of a mouth. Luckily I had enough self respect to say no and just stopped talking to her (see rule 13). That however doesn't excuse the fact that I let her break me and make me do her biding. 12) Don't ACTUALLY ignore her. Always keep a link, but keep it at your terms. Keep trying and if needed, give up some ground when necessary. That's the mistake so many of us make: not talking to a girl like you're mad at her, avoiding her, or just plain out rudely ignoring her. That's NOT how it's done. You tell a girl that you are going to ignore, like you don't think you have enough time or that you're making time for her especially. Send her a text out of nowhere acting aloof while not responding to her texts. Reject her plans for lunch or whatever "friendzone" plans she might be building. You ask her and if she even hesitates, say it's ok or that you will find someone else, and act like you don't care while giving her multiple opportunities to say yes and still keeping friendly relationship. Forever Alone's Guide I made a mistake by not "ignoring" but just straight out being mad at Shannon for being, how should I but it "one that can't keep legs shut". If ignoring her made her interested, my morals and emotions kept me from actually banging her. I just ended up ignoring her for real and then wondering why she isn't sucking my dick like she did to Freddy. 13) Know your worth. Sometimes it's better to walk away and look somewhere else then settling for a clearly loosing situation. Use with entry 16 to keep a nice balance of morals vs. hormones. This debatable between men, as some will sell out their own kind just for a chance of sweet pussy, while others will stand strong by their morals and standards awaiting their maiden in the sea of whores. Another one of my so called "friends" Liam went through so many sell outs just to get laid. He joined a band to score with the rocker chicks. He joined the treehugers club to score with the hippie chicks. He got braids to score with some black girls, almost joined the army for, you guessed it, the uniform and chicks. He even "tried" to be gay and made girls into friends and THEN fucked them (This actually pissed me off the most). Now he is rocking the hardcore vampire scene claiming to love metal (poser metal, and screamo bullshit) while wearing impossibly tight pants and keeping that god awful emo hairstyle. God I think he is a dumber bitch then Erin. He sold literally everything about him for some kind of pussy, he let it control who he was. He had no morals and standards and while there was sex there was no substance. While I too have claimed horrific things in the name of the great V, (Claiming Kesha was a good artist was one of them) I refuse to sell out my morals for something that will be gone tomorrow (of course there are expectations). Sometimes it's better to walk away, hell, it's better to pay for a hooker, as she will take your money rather than your dignity. This doesn't mean, be picky as hell and if the girl doesn't meet your checklist don't even bother, but sometimes we know we can do better, and sometimes the head on our shoulders wins. I couldn't stand Erin any longer even if she had massive tits and was willing to do anal. Just like I couldn't see myself with Brittany who is pasting herself at my feet, and to be honest, I wouldn't be caught dead with her in my arms anyways. 14) Never bring up a question like "How come your single" that only refreshes their own options and self worth. Yeah that one is always a killer. You remember that friend that can walk up to you in middle school, damn-well knowing you are talking to a Julia, the girl you've had a chance with and with no remorse tell you "You guys seem like a good couple" or "You guys should be boyfriend and girlfriend". Needless to say it kills the mood and the bastards clears the scene before you can even try explain it as a joke or get her to play along. Hate that bastard. Think of this as you cock-blocking yourself, and even though it can be used as a lighthearted jab to raise and humor one's self esteem, in most cases it will backfire and you will appear like the desperate one and the one that cares more ( see entry 10). In a group of friends it's much more casual and that's where the real easy going conversations happen, but it is important to lead her away from the fray when it comes to making your moves, as your asshole friend (we all got one, and if you don't know who it is, then you ARE the asshole friend) can and WILL ruin it for you. I remember when Kenny and I had our eyes out for the same girl, who was in our same friend circle. He made the mistake of being too pushy even in the group atmosphere, while I took her aside or made an excuse to leave the group while she and I touched base. He rushed it and got blown off, and I causally came in and took her to dinner. However that bastard wouldn't let up even after he clearly lost and at every chance tried to make me look bad. I mean, get over it man, you lost. 15) Keep the conversations going, there is a certain minimum amount of words that must be shared before tits or GTFO conversation can be initiated. You are using each other's time, so use it wisely. I still can't believe that this even a problem, but in today's cyber lifestyle I guess it should be addressed, as I have jumped the gun so many times even WITH a fast passed lifestyle and debaucher levels of drunken club rats. I recall one particular instance with Daisy, a girl I met at a local club. It was my first time at the club and even though it wasn't my scene my good friend Jack Daniels made it that much bearable. My co-worker and buddy Jeff who taught me a great deal of playing the field, was there trying to help me score when I stumbled upon her. She wasn't bad looking and with that seductive look we clicked and my half drunk ass decided to dance. We exchanged maybe three lines of dialog and one of the lines was her asking "how old are you again?"This however didn't stop me from sticking my tongue down her throat and then her taking control and nearly eating my face off. Needless to say it was hot. She even did that thing where you run up her neck with your tongue and play and nibble on the earlobe after I introduced it. She then one-upped me and played around with my ear, and then eventually tongue fucked my ear. Needless to say it was hot! As this debauchery was going and as I was fingering her, the music stopped and some douchebag named Randy had his bachelor party on stage. Totally killed the mood, and then I tried to salvage the situation. I asked if she wanted to head over somewhere else, but she without a doubt in her voice she blew me off and said she was with her friend. That redhead sure got the fire to let you finger her one minute and completely blow you off the next. Whose fault was it? Randy's? Yes, but we exchanged four lines of dialog and my finger in her snatch. It wasn't enough to seal the deal (apparently), and it was my fault in a way. 16) Don't let up. I'm NOT saying "No" equals to "Yes", that's called rape, but while the girl says no, alcohol and you are saying "are you sure?" Keep fighting till the last breath, against all odds. Again, I can't believe this even has to be explained but in this day and age the nice guy doesn't get jack because the bro douchebag kept trying and eventual succeeded at talking to the girl and if doesn't fuck her, he will fuck her best friend. Fucking Arthur, I mean come on! I had my eye on her for a month, and I actually know her hobbies and interest unlike your fake "jeans with a tie" wearing ass. And that tattoo look stupid as fuck.....like you. I do not support rape, but normal nice guys, like I used to be, lost a lot of their balls in the last few years while the tan muscle-head douchebags still reign supreme, and then that bitch Lola complains "Why can't I get a nice guy?" it's because you shoot him down with you horrible attitude and only a true veteran jerk that is sex-craved enough is willing to put up with your shit. And yes, I still find you hot, but I stopped trying not because I chickened out but because your bitch ass wouldn't respond to me and would reject me at every corner and then wonder, "why didn't he try harder, I guess he didn't want it". I wanted it (I still do), but I'm not driving to East LA to pick your and your date's drunken ass up so you maybe can go with me to dinner that I had to pay for. The dinner sucked by the way, she was on her phone the whole time and then asked me the next day why I didn't talk to her. Dumb bitch, at least she took me home after that, and conveniently forgot her brother was still out of town. 17) Don't be picky when going out. Your friends Granma's birthday party or drunken debauchery party the office slut invited you personally, go to both (unless they are the same day, then fuck that shit and get wasted and score with Samantha and avoid making eye contact with her for the rest of the month at work). Yes we all want that party we see in the movies, where the girls are hot, the booze is plenty and the levels of morality and perversion border that of the Hair Metal era (or a Def Leppard concert). The cold fact is, every party is NOT like that. Hanging with my current company, it's even safer to say that those kinds of parties happen less and less after 28. This however shouldn't discourage anyone, because the times I had with those guys I wouldn't trade for the world, and maybe one day I can even credit some of those guys for teaching me how to be a working member of society. Probably AFTER my massive ego lets me, my hair grows thin, and I sell my Gibson Les Paul to pay for my kid's massive traffic ticket. I recall going to concerts for bands I never even heard of, and heading over to clubs with women that I secretly wanted dead (after I'm done fucking them that is) but at least I tried. Rather than being Oleg who sat behind his computer playing WoW, damming everything that was happing to him, I did something about it. Maybe it wasn't perfect, maybe I didn't have that much fun, maybe I WAS too drunk to diver and should have let her do it and avoid that fine and half a year trying to avoid being pulled over (because I sure as hell will still drive even with a suspended license). The point is, I tried (see entry 6) and now have a story to share rather that "my main is on eredar" or "that y2k shaman is so broken!" Go get laid you bulgy bastard, and stop whining about how women are evil just because they have ears and don't want to hear your bullshit spewing for hours upon hours. 18) Booze does NOT make you a fun person if inside you are just as dull as you are outside. Drinking is a wonderful past time and we all know you are finally legally doing what you've been doing for the past 6 years, but some people can't drink, while others just shouldn't. This became obvious when a drunken Irishman promised to protect me by pulling a knife on the other guy if he didn't want to pass me the Guinness. This however is specifically directed to my bassist Sean. He is a nice guy and but also suffers from "forever alone" syndrome and thinks that booze will help. It will because he himself is a nice guy inside, but it doesn't always work like that. The two most common things that drunken people say are "I love you" or "I hate you". Alcohol doesn't make you fun; it simply pushes the border that was held in by our won morals or by standards of society. We are given a bigger cage to play in, sort of speak. I recall being hit on by a tranny and it was alright at the time being (mostly because she looked good and I found out LATER that she used to be a man). David sure got a nice laugh at me when I claimed to "like that hot read-head MILF". Yeah, laugh now because I would have banged that if given the chance (and don't you judge me at all). But alcohol didn't make me talk to Kristen, nor did it give me the thought "ehh she's got tits and a hole". Alcohol simply let me say that out loud and not be ashamed of it. If inside you are an uptight purist then you will just let more people know about it as you spew some racist comment about Barbra and her new boyfriend Jim. Yeah I'm talking to Al, keep that shit locked away with you white sheet. Alcohol needs to be used as a motivator. Maybe you can't talk to that girl across the bar, but Alcohol makes you do what you wanted to do from the first moment you spotted those huge puppies just waiting to get out. That's why I don't get drunk home alone; it will just capitalize on the situation and remind me further that my hand will be my lover tonight. 19) IGNORE the previous rule when buying a girl a drink. Nothing sounds like "I wanna fill you up and fuck you in the back of my civic because my parents are home" like "water and vodka with cranberry for the lady". As much as I love that civic, I don't think a can fit that wale along with my tall skinny ass in the back of that car again. It doesn't mean I won't try, but again, no matter how drunk you are, "No" is shorter then "Yes". Even when I was drinking with that bitch Erin, I knew I needed to get to work and even a nooner couldn't sober me up that quickly, so I just pretended to mix Jack into my cola, while filling her up and getting more and more of those amazing tits in my hands. Getting a girl a vodka wile you order a cola just looks dumb. I had to do it at my old restaurant because they knew I was underage, and Monica was a mean drunk who wanted her wine even after 2am when it was illegal to have it out. The next day everyone was looking at me like I scored with her, and even though we are still friends, I wish that I would have met her at a different circumstance so I could have proudly looked back and let my eyes say "fuck yeah". Main point of the story, suck it up. Drink you bud light and get a Redbull when she's not looking and try to sober up to drive her home in an hour or so. 20) College and Highschool is for learning a fun skill, learning to talk to women, and making friends and connections that will last you WAY after you decide to drop out and be "an artist". God how I wish to go to the simpler days and do what really matters. If I could go back to highschool I would do nothing involving school and concentrate on playing guitar, talking to girls and finding a way to get Hugo from getting that chick pregnant (the first chick he got pregnant that is). Then I would have gone to college, not for the work or education, but to assemble my band, and have tons of barely consensual sex. I can't believe I even cared enough to want a Bachelors of computer science, or even waited that long to drop out of highschool. But the people I met and the times we had, I wouldn't trade for the world. Time is never wasted but rather used, but dammit, sometimes you know you could have used that time better. My first job was 18 an hour without any fancy GED and my next didn't require any college degree (not to mention tons of loans). I'm not claiming that education is bad, or that the facilities provided are bullocks (maybe a little bit, but that's purely opinion), all I'm saying we all got a different route. Same applies to talking to women. Some can get a woman in bed with such famous techniques as "yo bitch" or "Your face, I like it". Other will have to slave away in ignorance praying for a glimpse of female affection. Luckily porn is there for just that occasion. But porn will be a whole different topic. So that's my "Forever Alone's" guide to women, a collection of short stories. If you had a chuckle or got something useful out of this, then my work here is done. If you find this to be ridiculous amount of ego-boosting bullshit, it's your opinion, feel free to write it down, mail it to me, and I will make sure it ends up in that special circular cabinet along with my expired milk (I really got to drink that milk in time, or just not buy it at all).