4 comments/ 8883 views/ 4 favorites Density and Singularities By: brandy25 "What about your hope chest?" There was a protest in Mardi's voice. She even stomped her foot a little as Renee shook her head and sat the onesie back on top of the stack of baby clothes. "What about it? I told you I'm not doing that anymore," Renee did her best firm voice, turned her back on her best friend and headed towards a card table holding an assortment of old and newer glasses. Mardi came up behind her and in a loud whisper did her best mom voice, "Renee Michelle Nalan! I was talking to you!" Renee laughed. She picked up a piece of cobalt blue glass and held up to the sunlight before turning to say, "I'm not one of your kids, Mardi. And, it's okay. I'm just done." It was the expression she used a lot these days. Done. It was done. She was done. Her despair and her longing and her hope. All done. The married woman sighed, "You're not done, honey. You just think you are." Renee rolled her eyes, "I am thirty-five years old, my friend. I think I know myself well enough by now to tell you what I think and how I feel. It's over." She paused for a moment and added, for effect, "In fact, I should have a yard sale myself and get rid of those things." Mardi just shook her head and walked to a rack of toddler clothes. She turned, met Renee's eyes and shook her head again as she asked the old lady, in whose backyard they stood, about the blue glass. When they got back into the sunshine-yellow Volvo, Mardi started the engine and turned to her, "What about sex?" Renee crossed out the just-visited sale from the list in the classifieds as she answered, "I can have sex. That doesn't mean I have to have a relationship...Hell, I don't even have to have a man. There are always toys and porn." Mardi shook her head again and with more than a touch of sarcasm added, "Great, that sounds life-affirming and healthy. I wish you and your dildo all the happiness in the world." Renee's hair was still dripping water down her back as she went into the bedroom to find her pajamas. She glanced at the alarm clock. Three o'clock in the afternoon, on a sunny Saturday. 'Yeah, but, it's humid outside. And, you don't need to spend any more money if you're going to build that deck. You might as well be comfortable.' Her mind told her, being well practiced in the reasons it was okay to put on pjs in the middle of the afternoon. She walked by the old hope chest that had once held her grandmother's embroidered handkerchiefs, a porcelain-faced doll from her childhood and an assortment of photo albums. When she had inherited it, already emptied of those prize possessions by greedy family members, she sat it at the end of her bed and slowly began to fill it herself. Her grandmother stashed away memories inside the hardwood confines; Renee stashed dreams. It began with a teddy bear. She saw it in a store window and couldn't walk by. When she got it home, she wasn't sure where a grown woman was supposed to put a stuffed animal. She was certain setting it on her bed would kill any romance that made it as far as her bedroom, so into the trunk it went. It didn't take long before the cutest pink baby dress she'd ever seen lay next to the brown bear. Now it held an assortment of baby clothes, a couple of hardcover children's books, the picture of a wedding gown she'd secretly torn from a friend's bridal magazine, a few photo frames meant to hold the picture of one's true love and an assortment of other such items. 'Fairy tales,' Renee said to herself, 'Just fairy tales.' She'd hidden the contents of the chest from almost everyone. Mardi knew, but Mardi was her oldest and closest girlfriend. She'd physically tackled two men who decided they had to know the secret treasure hidden inside the large box. Michael was the only man she'd opened it for herself. Michael, or as she affectionately referred to him for months afterwards, The Ass. After fourteen months, three weeks and five days, just a little over a month after she shared her best-guarded secret, he'd instigated a fight, gathered his things and left for good. It was less than a month before she found out, through the ever-twining university grapevine, that he'd begun dating a stewardess named Becky just a few days after he turned away from her. 'Ass,' she decided he still deserved the title. Renee heard the shouts as she searched for the remote. "How do you disappear when I'm the only person who ever uses you?!" she said aloud. She continued, "Good God, I'm talking to inanimate objects now. I've lived alone for too long." A second round of shouts from outside caught her attention, "Come on back! Okay, stop!" The rumble of an engine echoed into her house and took her to the front window. She pulled back the curtain just enough to see but not be seen. "Jesus," she said, and her head fell back to stare at the ceiling for a moment as she let the curtain close. Renee huffed her way to the couch. Another new neighbor across the street. It had been such a nice street when she bought the little house. In the city but quiet. People kept up their yards; cats could meander peacefully from house to house. The little old people would wave when she left for work in the morning. Then, the little old lady across the street got shipped off to Ohio to live with her daughter, and it all went to hell. Renee learned quickly that there was nothing in the world worse for one's property value and peace of mind than a rental house across the street. First, there had been the people who had a well-patronized drive-thru drug service. She'd called the police only to see them in the front yard, slapping the guy on the back, laughing and leaving. Next, there was the woman whose boyfriend liked to beat her up. Renee decided she must like it too since she kept bailing him out of jail and bringing him home. Her pity died quickly with that one. There was a nice couple whose young son liked to pee on the bushes that lined the street. That only made Renee laugh, but they didn't pay their rent. They were gone in three months. And, now there was a man whose voice could carry clear across the street and into her bedroom to disrupt her quiet. She curled up on the couch and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels until she found a boy meets girl, loses girl then marries girl romances she'd seen twice. There was something comfortable about the familiarity of it, so she left it there. It was about three-quarters of the way through when the familiarity turned to tears. She cursed herself even as she cried, but self-pity won. 'He's not out there. You've already faced that. Why are you crying? Stop crying. No, really, stop crying!' "Dammit," she cussed when she realized she'd used the last Kleenex. She moped her way to the bathroom, retrieved a wad of tissue paper and blew her nose. She glanced in the mirror and decided she looked even worse than she felt. Her nose was red. Her eyes were swollen. And, her face seemed to have a certain dullness that never went away now. She vowed to moisturize every night, but she knew it was a promise she'd forget by bedtime. She pulled her long hair up off her neck into a clip and headed to the kitchen for ice cream. Ben and Jerry were the only men she really wanted in her life now. She'd decided there were worse things in the world than being fat, like living without ice cream. But, before she could make it to the freezer, a loud bark startled her. It sounded as if it were on her front porch. She walked quickly to the front door, turned the dead bolt and opened it just to enough to see out. "Hey!" Renee yelled, as she threw open the door and ran outside, "You stop that! Stop that now!" The black lab did stop, looked up at her and barked. She looked at the newly planted but now uprooted spring flowers, and then at the dog, saying, "Don't you bark at me, buddy! Who do you belong to?" The Labrador barked again, as if to answer and wagged his long tail; his whole rear end seemed to wag with it. Renee frowned, "Don't try to kiss up now. I bet I know where you belong." She walked to the street, looked for cars, and then called the dog. He followed her and sat beside her as she knocked at the door of the new tenant. "Just a minute!" a male voice shouted from inside the house. 'A dog,' she thought, 'If there's a dog, there are probably kids. Mean kids.' The lab was still wagging tail and now sitting on her feet when the door opened. Renee forgot what she was there to say for a brief moment. He was indeed tall, dark and handsome in a scruffy, unwashed kind of way. The sweaty man holding a beer looked at her and smiled, and then looked down at the dog as he barked again. 'He's a sweaty man holding a beer, Renee. And, you're attracted to him? You do need to get laid.' The embarrassment of the unexpected attraction only increased her annoyance as she asked, "Is this your dog?" The man on the other side of the screen door was still smiling when he answered, "Oh yeah, he's mine." He opened the screen, and she stepped backwards as he walked out onto the porch to join them. "His name is Babboo. Introduce yourself to the pretty lady, Babboo," he said, and the lab lifted a paw. Renee ignored the dog's invitation and continued, "Well, your dog dug up my flowers. There are leash laws. I'd appreciate it if you would keep him on your property. I'd hate to have to call animal control." 'Animal control?' she almost laughed at herself. She'd never do it; she just thought it would be best to set down a firm barrier from the beginning. The famous Robert Frost line crossed her mind, 'Good fences make good neighbors.' "Babboo, did you hear that? She's going to put you in doggy jail. You better get in the house." He sounded amused as he opened the screen door for the dog. When he turned his attention back to her, he said, "Look, Miss, I'm sorry. He's in a new place. He's a little over-excited, doesn't really know where home is yet...I'll pay for the flowers." Renee looked into his eyes. They were blue, and they didn't look as amused now. "I don't need you to pay for the flowers. I just need for you to respect that fact that you have neighbors, and we'd all appreciate it if you kept control of your dog. There are children and cats around here." He looked amused again, "Cats?" "Yes, cats. Cats and kids." Her irritation was increasing again, as was the pitch of her voice. "Cats...you are the spokeswoman for the cats? You have some yourself?" He didn't give her time to answer before he continued, "Women like you don't have just one cat, do they?" "Excuse me?" She stared at him in disbelief, "Women like me? You don't know me." He laughed, "No, nope, I don't...I'll keep Babboo on my property." She turned quickly to leave, feeling her face redden, as she said, "That's all I'm asking." He called out behind her, "Hey, are you sick?" She stopped, sighed and turned to face him again, "Excuse me?" He repeated, "I asked if you were sick." He pointed at her and continued, "You know, the pajamas...your face...the grouchiness." Her mouth fell open. He said, "I'm assuming this is just grouchiness and not your normal demeanor? Since I don't know you and all." Renee stood silent a moment and then answered, "Yes, I think I have the flu." She started to turn again but stopped long enough to say, "I'm sorry for being a bitch; I actually like dogs...and for the record, I don't have any cats. I just feed one or two who wander by the house." She didn't wait long enough to know whether or not he accepted her apology, quickly crossing the road and burrowing herself back inside of her home. She thought of an event horizon, where the gravity pulled strong enough to suck one inside the black hole, and she slammed the door shut. Renee turned up the lights in the front of lecture hall and turned off the overhead projector. She closed her power point file and finally looked up to the small group of students who gathered beside the podium to wait for her. "Dr. Nalan," the girl with the nose ring, tongue ring and a large tattoo across her chest asked, "Could you explain this formula again?" Renee smiled and answered, "Sure." She sighed at the laptop slung over the girl's shoulder. She was as technically savvy as anyone on campus, but she sometimes missed the days of pen and paper in the classroom. She dug a piece of paper out of her bag and spoke as she wrote down the formula: B(w, T) = 2 * h * c^2 / (w^5 * (exp(h * c / (k * w * T)) - 1)) She wrote as she explained, "The formula gives the amount of radiation emitted at a particular wavelength w by a black body with temperature T." Renee glanced at the girl. Her eyes didn't appear glazed over, so she continued, "h is Planck's constant...Do you remember it? 6.63e-34 J*s." She could see the girl biting her lip as she continued, "k is Boltzmann's constant...1.38e-23 J/K... the actual units of B are J/(m^2*s*sr)/m. The professor stopped when the girl looked almost near tears, set her pen down and said, "Black bodies emit radiation that peaks at a characteristic wavelength, and which falls off in strength for wavelengths away from that peak. Hotter objects emit radiation at shorter wavelengths." She handed the girl the paper and said, "That's the Reader's Digest version. There's a pretty good explanation in your book, but you can see me during office hours, if you like. We can take more time with it there." The girl smiled, looked a little doubtful and said, "Thanks, Dr. Nalan." Renee felt bad; there was only so far she could break down the basics of astrophysics. Too many students, it seemed to her, barely scraped by in lower level classes but signed up for hers because of her name. She was grateful for the accolades and the success of the book. She just wished she could post a warning below the course description in the catalog. Renee fielded a couple of more advanced questions and made her way out of the hall, breathing a sigh of relief. She loved teaching, but she had grown to love her time away from the university, too. It had been years in coming. She avoided her office and headed out the door of the old building to the faculty parking lot. She just had time to make it to the community center. It was her turn to be the eager student. Renee smiled thinking about it. Her mind preoccupied, she stepped off the sidewalk to the crosswalk without really looking. The old truck jerked to a stop only a few feet from her. She jumped, then clinched her teeth and pointed to the yellow sign: "Yield for Pedestrians." She could barely make out the figure of a male in the driver's seat for the glare of the sun off the windshield, but she was fairly certain that he mouthed, "I'm sorry." She continued to her car; her mind still fumed, 'Idiot! It's not the highway! This is a one- lane road that only leads to the science buildings. Students aren't even supposed to park up here.' She was still mentally dressing down the male driver when she pulled out her keys and hit the button to unlock her car door. With the small beep the same vehicle that had almost run her down pulled into the empty parking space beside her. Normally, she wouldn't care so much about such a small violation of the rules, but this guy had ruined her good mood. So, she waited for him to step out of the truck, prepared to direct him down the hill to the student parking. She wasn't prepared at all for the grown man who stepped out of the truck and smiled at her. Renee held her breath. He looked as stunned as she did for a moment, and then he laughed. "Well, hello neighbor," It was Mr. tall, dark and scruffy, looking much the same, adding one button-down shirt and minus one beer. He held out his hand, but she didn't move for a moment, "Lee Sutherland, we weren't properly introduced this weekend." She took his hand, trying to meet the firmness of his hand shake but not succeeding, "Renee Nalan." Her hand, her arm, her face and various parts of her body all seemed to tingle from the strong touch. He grinned, "Oh, well, to be honest, I already knew your name, Dr. Nalan." Renee cleared her throat and tried to regain her composure, "Have we met at some faculty get-together?" The dark haired man reached into the back of his truck and pulled out a backpack, "No, I avoid those things." He was still smiling when he added, "I know your name because you're famous around here." She wasn't sure how to respond as he pointed to a building at the far side of the quad, "I'm late...I'm filling in for Dr. Rine." Renee knew David Rine; he taught most of the agronomy courses. The handsome man said, almost to himself, as he walked by her, "Crop science is really my thing, but I can wing one economics class. I have the book." He patted the backpack, winked at her and then took off at a jog. Renee was still dumbfounded when he stopped suddenly, turned and said, "You're cuter in person than on your book jacket...at least when you're not yelling at me." Before she could do more than blush, he smiled and was gone. Renee stood still for a moment. She wasn't sure what had just happened, but she felt slightly stunned as she got into her car and drove home. There was definitely a pull to him, but was he another black hole? Mardi was standing at the front doors, smoking a cigarette and looking more than a little frazzled when Renee pulled into the parking lot. As she approached the other woman, the tale began, "So, Katie is throwing up...everywhere...and I'm trying to make dinner and feed the baby. You know what Bobby says to me?" Renee shook her head, knowing pretty what Bobby would say to anything by now, but not wanting to ruin Mardi's moment. She crushed the cigarette beneath her shoe and continued, "He says, I work all day. I don't see why I should have to be the one to clean up puke...Bastard! He actually said that to me. Can you believe that? Three kids under the age of four, Renee. Three of them. But, I guess that's not work!" Renee echoed, "Bastard," as she held open the large glass door and let her friend pass through first. Mardi talked all the way to the locker room, "I would just give anything if I'd have gone to graduate school, Renee. I swear, you don't see it, but you're the one who got the better deal. No lousy husband. No puking, screaming kids...just your freedom and looking up at the stars. God, that's like a dream. I read that Carl what's-his-name's book when I was in college. I think I could have been a good astronomer." Renee stuffed her bag into her locker and pulled out the rolled up blue mat. Both women changed their clothes quickly. Mardi poked her in the arm as she they made their way into the room used to teach ballroom dance to old people on Friday nights and ballet to five-year olds on Saturday mornings. It was a place of hardwood floors and encircling mirrors. Mardi poked her again when Renee didn't immediately turn towards her, "Don't you think I could have been a good astronomer?" She smiled, having met Mardi in college and remembering her friend's academic status well, "Didn't you flunk calculus twice?" Mardi looked at her like she was insane, "What does calculus have to do with the stars, Renee? I swear, honey, sometimes you just pick the most random things to say...the absent-minded professor...if all those students of yours only knew." The two women contorted themselves as well as they could into the variety of odd shapes and stances the yoga teacher demonstrated, sharing brief moments of whispered conversation. Mardi did most of the talking; Renee did most of the laughing, inevitably leading to her falling on her head or ass at inopportune moments. Density and Singularities "Shhhh.... he's gay as he can be. No straight man wears a leotard, no matter how nice his butt is. Sorry, that's just a fact of life." "No fucking way I'm doing that one. Wait until you have babies...you'll get to pee on yourself then too...don't look at me that way...You will have babies...and you will pee on yourself." The women hugged outside the building before they went to their cars. As Renee opened the door and got inside, she realized she'd never mentioned her new neighbor or her near death experience. She wasn't sure why, but she was glad she hadn't. It was one of those things she just wanted to keep to herself for a while. Renee looked twice at her porch as she pulled up into her driveway. Babboo. He was sitting there, panting. He stood and barked as she walked down the sidewalk towards him. She quickly surveyed her landscaping as best as she could in the dark. Everything seemed intact. "And, just what are you doing here, Mister?" She shook her head at the dog as he barked again. She looked at him, then at the house across the street where the lights were on. She sat down next to the dog with a sigh, and as if on command, he lay down beside her and rested his head on her knee. She saw the bouquet hidden behind him before he lay down. She scratched his ear with one hand and reached for the flowers with the other. When she stopped her attention to him to pull a note out of the colorful blooms, he whined a little. She couldn't help but laugh when she read it, "I know you can't plant these flowers, but I hope you will accept them as my apology. I sometimes do things I shouldn't just to get the attention of pretty girls, your sweet Babboo. PS: Please walk me home." Renee looked across the street again and stood. Suddenly, it struck her that she was wearing her yoga clothes and no make-up. She looked down at the dog and back at her front door. Babboo wagged his tail and barked as she unlocked the deadbolt and let him inside. "If you eat or piss on anything, I will call the doggy police," she warned. Babboo followed her to the bedroom and lay down next to the bed. He watched as she stripped down to her underwear and pulled a dress out of the closet, held it up to him and said, "Too much, huh?" The dog raised his head but gave no reply. Renee scanned the closet for a few more minutes and finally settled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. As she stood in front of her dresser putting on lipstick, a little eyeliner and a little blush, she turned to the dog and said, "If you don't tell your father about this, there are dog bones in your future." The lab stood up and barked. She smiled and made a mental note to buy dog bones. Renee pushed her shoulders back and her boobs out as she led the dog across the street, whispering as she knocked on the door, "Remember our deal." Lee answered the door quickly, obviously expecting her. She winced, hoping he hadn't noticed that she'd taken the time to change clothes and put on make-up. No, she told herself, even if he were looking, he couldn't see that much of a difference in her appearance. Well, she hoped he couldn't. She blushed a little, praying it would just look like make-up. He smiled at her and looked down at the dog, "I was starting to think you had been dog- napped." Babboo wagged his tail, and Lee opened the door to let him inside the house. Holding the door open he asked, "Why don't you come in, Renee? I could make coffee? Or, tea? Or, whatever you want?" He smiled, and her stomach danced. Renee smiled back at his friendly invitation, determined not to seem like a cold-hearted bitch this time. She accepted his invitation and stepped inside a room full of unpacked boxes. A couch and a TV were planted in the midst of them. He looked relieved when she said yes. He walked past her, motioning for her to follow, "How about tea? It's probably too late for coffee if you have a class in the morning?" "Sure, tea would be good," she answered as she looked around the room finding nothing there to give away anything about his taste or personality. Just cardboard and a few essentials. "You have quite a talented, articulate dog," she smiled as he pulled a box of herbal tea from the cabinet. He laughed, "Articulate? You're too kind." She protested, "No, really, considering he is a canine, I was impressed." He sat the tea on the counter and turned to look at her, leaning back against the sink. He stared for more than a moment, and she felt herself begin to squirm. So, she did what she knew to do when she became uncomfortable, babble. "Babboo...that's an interesting name. It's familiar somehow, but I just can't quite place..." He interrupted, "It's from Charlie Brown. My sweet Babboo. It's what Sally called Linus, her sweet Babboo." "Oh, okay," She smiled, unsure what to think of a man who named his dog after a Charlie Brown character. He appeared to sense her thoughts, continuing as he reached for two mugs, "Charlie Brown is a lot like Bugs Bunny...both have subtle meanings more meant for adults than children." He turned back to her, "I like the classics; I consider myself something of a connoisseur when it comes to old cartoons." 'Dear God, Why do you hate me?' Renee thought, and then forced a smile as she answered, "A connoisseur, wow. Do you collect comic books too?" She did her best to keep the condensation out of her voice. He turned up one corner of his mouth in a half smile then laughed out loud. He raised an eyebrow as he asked, "No, Professor, I do not collect comic books. I just appreciate the postmodern angst of Charlie Brown and the dry-witted humor and political commentary of Bugs. Is there something wrong with that?" She shook her head as he reached above the stove, rummaging loudly. "Not at all. I was just surprised. You don't look like a man who watches cartoons," she winced at her own answer. He pulled down a canister, cussed, put it back into the cabinet and rummaged again. Sounding more amused, he inquired, "And, what does a man who watches cartoons look like, if I might ask?" Renee thought for a moment, laughed and said, "One of my graduate students." He quit reaching as he started laughing. He grinned as he told her, "Well, if all of the astrophysicists were babes like you, we'd never have made it to the moon, I imagine." "Babes like me?" Renee snorted, "What do you want?" "What do I want?" Lee raised an eyebrow, appeared deep in thought for a moment and answered, "I think I want you." The answer seemed so amazing but so absolutely wrong in Renee's mind that all she could say was, "What?" He repeated himself, "I want you, Renee." Renee physically backed away from him a little, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in the small space of the kitchen. "You know what," She smiled her best fake smile, "I don't think I need tea tonight. I just need to get to bed." 'Definitely a black hole,' she thought, 'This is the event horizon.' He grinned and moved closer, backing her into the stove. She held her breath as he moved his lips just next to hers and whispered, "You could sleep here tonight." Before his mouth could make contact with her, she placed her palms firmly on his chest and pushed him backwards, almost causing him to stumble, clearly causing him to laugh. She was certain he was a man not accustomed to rejection. "It's not funny. I'm going home." Renee felt all at once mad and humiliated telling herself as she rushed out the door, 'You didn't do anything wrong. He's just an ass.' Renee's graduate students were having a lively debate about string theory and intelligent design, having contorted themselves into a variety of sitting, reclining and leaning positions in her office. She was half-listening and half exam grading. Normally, she'd put the loathsome task off on her TA, but he was getting ready to defend his Master's thesis. And, she decided to have pity. She'd been in his shoes. The rather loud knock at the door brought the argument to a halt, and they all turned to look in the direction of the disruptive sound. Renee laughed, "Would one of you please get off your lazy ass and open that?" They all laughed as Jeremiah jumped up, tripped over Seth's legs but managed to find the doorknob all the same. Renee stopped her red pen mid-corrective explanation when the door opened, and she saw him. His eyes never seemed to see the five students staring at him, and then turning to look at her. She could have seen the smile in those eyes without ever noticing the upturned corners of his mouth. Her heart skipped a beat causing her mind to fling a thousand warnings in her direction. His voice was friendly, "Dr. Nalan, I was hoping I could speak to you for a moment?" Now his eyes swept across the faces of the five others occupying her office. He lifted his eyebrows just once and all of them grabbed book bags and back packs and rushed past him as he took a step back. Renee laughed to herself. She was one of them, a nerd, a geek, a dork. But, she was girl and had never faced the male social hierarchy of high school she was sure this man's well-developed arms and tall stature brought to her students' minds. "Well, you certainly know how to clear a room, Mr. Sutherland," she announced. She tried to forget how he'd shaken her the night before. She used her best professor voice. He stepped into the office, pushing both hands into the front pockets of his faded jeans as he did, "It's Dr. Sutherland, but no one calls me that...except my mother...when her friends are around, she hopes they'll think I'm a 'real' doctor." He pulled his hands out of his pocket to make the quotation mark sign. He continued, "Lee. You should call me Lee." Renee spoke firmly to herself, 'Pretend last night never happened.' Renee smiled a quizzical kind of smile as she pointed to the chair across from her desk, sitting a little out of place from its former occupant. "Please have a seat, Lee. What brings you here?" 'Professional...that's all you have to be,' she reminded herself despite the increase in her pulse. Lee flipped the old wooden chair around in a single motion and sat down with arms resting on the back of the chair, facing her now, still grinning, "Well, you do." Renee cocked her head to side a bit, "I do?" She wanted to either bolt for the door or bolt the door and bend over the desk for him. She wasn't sure which one, which only made her heart pound faster. He cleared his throat and continued, "Yes, ma'am. I was pulling in next to your car today, and I had a thought...I think I owe you dinner. I mean, my dog ate your flowers, I nearly mowed you down in the parking lot, and, well, last night I think I jumped the gun a little, huh?" "A little?" Renee wasn't aware of how her voice lost its professionalism for a moment. She cleared her throat and answered, "Well, that was a nice thought, but it's not necessary." This time as Renee's heart quickened in her chest, there was a slight squeeze of pain as it said, 'what? It's not necessary? Are you stupid? You are stupid. Can't you see him? Are you blind? Oh my God, how could you do this to me? What's so wrong with him wanting to fuck you? He likes you. Is that the worst thing in the world?' Her heart had dramatic tendencies; she was well aware of them. Lee's smile faded for just a moment, and then returned. He nodded his head, stood up and turned the chair back to its proper position before speaking, "Alright, well, I'm sorry I interrupted you, Dr Nalan." He sounded genuinely disappointed. She said quickly, feeling silly for not saying it earlier, "Renee. Please call me Renee." He grinned, nodded again and repeated after her, "Renee." He made his way to the door, and she wanted to jump out of her chair and say, "Wait, let's have dinner." But she felt glued there and mute. She expected him to disappear any moment and felt powerless to stop it. But, he stopped himself, turning around to face her again. "Renee, I may be completely out of line here," he said with a question in his voice. "I'm just a farm boy from Indiana, so maybe I misunderstood." He bit the side of his lip and scrunched his eyes together as he met hers, "I know I'm not nearly as cute as the dog, but I was certain we had some sort of chemistry? Was I right?" She opened her mouth, and then closed it to find her voice, "You're not wrong." As her heart sang, her mind began the infernal tsk noise it made when she made poor man choices. He leaned against the door frame just a little, "Is I'm 'not wrong' the same thing as me being right?" Renee smirked, "Yes, it is." "Good," he was smiling bigger, "I think you should reconsider dinner. I make a mean bar-b-que chicken." Renee smiled despite herself, "You want to cook for me?" He smiled even bigger, "Of course, I'm a pretty good cook." He paused, "And, I promise, you don't have to stand in the kitchen with me. I will be a perfect gentleman. If I'm anything else, you can tell Babboo to bite me...and he would, he likes you...a lot." Renee looked down at her desk, shaking her head and smiling, "Well, hopefully there will be no need for bloodshed. When do you plan on making this chicken?" "I was thinking about seven tonight? Think you might be hungry then?" Renee was more than the absent-minded professor when she gave her last lecture. She forgot whole parts of what she meant to say, wrote an equation backwards in its entirety, confusing even the half a dozen students who generally seemed to follow the lectures. She was certain she'd left a few believing they might be sucked into a black hole on the way back to the dorms. Frankly, she didn't care. She finally ended things more an hour early, claiming she had an unexpected appointment to keep. No one seemed to mind as they grabbed backpack and laptops at the speed of light, rushing from the room before she changed her mind. She went back to her office to retrieve the yet ungraded exams but decided to leave them. She wasn't going to work tonight. She was going to have dinner with a man. She smiled all the way home, stopping to buy a bottle of red wine. Unsure which wine went with bar-b-que chicken, she just chose the one she liked best. She showered, put on all her make-up, even put a little mouse in her hair, leaving it down for a change. She did wear the dress this time. A sundress that fit to her figure and sandals showing off her newly manicured toenails. She looked in the mirror and declared herself cute. He didn't lie about his abilities in the kitchen. The wine seemed to suit it just fine, and the alcohol helped her get past her nerves. Babboo sat at her feet the entire time, and she snuck him bites of chicken when she was certain that Lee wasn't looking. She whispered, "To make up for the dog bones." As he tore the chicken with a fork, Lee said, "So, tell me about yourself, Renee." She smiled, swallowed and answered, "From what you said in the parking lot, you already seem to know a lot about me." "No, I know a little about your career, that's all," he countered. "If you know about my career, you know a lot. I've been very focused on it for a very long time now," Renee wasn't proud of her neglected personal life, but it was true. "Must be...lonely," He seemed to struggle to find the right word. Renee stopped eating and took a bigger sip of wine. "No, not..." she tried to answer, but he interrupted before she could finish her thought. "Do you believe in aliens, Ms. Astrophysicist?" He grinned as he said it. "Unless you are about to tell me you are Clark Kent, I do believe in the possibility of extraterrestrial life. The universe is vast." She returned his smile with a cocked eyebrow. "I'm not Clark Kent, unless that turns you on?" He grinned wider. Renee smiled, "You never know; there's just something about a man who is that strong and powerful." "Ah, so you are one of those women," he shook his head and laid down his fork. "Those women?" Renee stopped eating to ask. He leaned back in his chair and answered, "The double-standard kind. You want a man to accept you just as you are, but you still want the stereotypical strong alpha male." Another gulp of wine and she responded, "No, not at all, my last boyfriend was a geometrics professor," and she laughed at the thought of him as an alpha male. His hand touched hers. She did not pull away despite some part of her that told her she should. He asked quietly, "What is it that you do want then, Renee?" She shook her head and answered honestly, "I don't know anymore." Both finished the meal quietly, one never taking their eyes off the other. She helped him carry the dirty dishes to the kitchen sink, and he took a step backwards. "Are you sure you're safe in here?" he asked, smiling. She laughed and picked up a dishtowel, slapping him on the arm with it. "I am as long as you keep your lips on that side of the room," she teased. He smiled and answered, "Hmmm." He scraped the plates and handed them to her. She rinsed them and stacked them in the dishwasher. He stayed on his side of the room, but she could feel him behind her. She could hear him breathing, or the dog breathing. She wasn't sure. She took another sip of wine before pouring herself another glass. She took another drink and was certain that it was his breathing she heard, his breath on her neck, his breath as he whispered in her ear, "Tell me what you want, Renee." Renee leaned into the sink a little, not to escape him but to maintain her balance. "Do you really want me to stay on the other side of the room?" He kissed the back of her ear. She muttered, "I'm not sure what I want...I thought I just wanted to get laid, but the other night..." Her voice trailed off and her mind wandered as his hands brushed her hair to the side and his lips found her neck. He whispered again, "Is that what you really want? To just get laid? It's okay, baby. Just tell me." She didn't answer; she felt her dress being unzipped and his lips trailing down her spine in soft kisses and little licks. Her panties were soaked. She whispered, finally, as his hands slid under her skirt and into those wet panties, "I don't know what I want." As his finger found the source of the wetness and caressed it gently, she felt woozy. As he slipped a finger inside of her, it brought a moan from her lips. "I think I know what you want." His lips were at her ear again, "Am I right?" Renee couldn't do anything but continue to lean her weight into the cabinet, whispering, "You're right." She could see his smile in her mind. She didn't hear him unzip his pants. She did feel the press of his cock against her ass. He rubbed it there as he returned his lips to her neck. His arms encircled her for a moment and his hands found her braless breasts, caressing them through the fabric, bringing her nipples to a point. It all felt blurry as he pulled her panties from her hips to her knees. She couldn't move enough for them to fall to the floor. He was pressed tight against her. Then, she felt him there, rubbing the head of his cock up and down the length of her wetness, over and over. She grabbed for the smooth, slick counter as he pressed his cock inside her pussy. She moaned and almost whispered, "Stop," but the word wouldn't come. Her mind was bleary, but her body was responding to the deep thrusts he was making inside of her. Deep, strong, hard. His arms around her body, holding her where he wanted her. Renee found herself feeling safe there, held so tight, unable to move or fight, his cock moving faster, filling her, his breath in her ear. Density and Singularities He whispered, "You feel so good, Renee. You're beautiful, baby. Don't move. Yeah, just like that. Stay right there." He pounded into her deeper, eliciting moans and grunts from her mouth even as her mind went somewhere out of her reach. His hand moved beneath her skirt and found her erect clit with ease. She jerked a little from the light contact, and he bit her shoulder. "That's it, baby. That's it," he moaned to her. He continued his driving into her. Renee closed her eyes and felt a little like she was floating when his fingers found her clit again. She was fully in her body as the orgasm began to quake through her. She cried out and held onto the arm still around her. He fucked faster, and she came harder. It seemed to go on and on. Her screams, his thrusts, her screams, his teeth on her neck. Then, it was over, him thrusting those final times, so deep, so hard, and then pressing completely inside of her and cumming. He stayed there a moment still wrapped around her, his back pressing into hers, and then he was gone. Renee was still hanging on the counter for support. Her panties at her knees, his cum beginning to drip from her swollen, fucked pussy, her hard nipple pressing into the cloth of her dress. Time seemed meaningless as she stood there, and she wasn't sure how much had passed before she turned and stumbled a little to a kitchen chair, sitting down roughly. Her panties fell completely to her ankles then. She looked around the kitchen, feeling disoriented. More than just his cock left her pussy, he wasn't there in the room. Renee thought of going to look for him, but her legs disagreed. So, she sat at the table and waited. He was smiling when he returned. He looked refreshed, happy. He smiled and said, "Should I walk you home, Renee?" She stared in disbelief. What had just happened? All she managed to say was, "Walk me home?" Something felt so wrong. One night he asks her to sleep over, now that he's gotten laid he's sending her home? Her voice was small and felt lost. She shook her head, "No, you don't have to." As she stood up, she tripped over the forgotten panties, and he laughed. She still felt a little confused, and she definitely didn't feel amused. It seemed to come in a flash, the return of her mind to her body. She reached down with little grace and untangled her underwear from her feet. She forced herself to stand up straight and concentrated in an attempt to walk out with some dignity. He didn't have to send her home; she would go on her very own. He asked again, "Are you sure you don't want me to walk you?" Yes, that was what he had said. All thoughts of him taking her to his bed, holding her tight and whispering good night in her ear crashed to the floor. Her heart fell along with them, a ton of bricks into the linoleum. She realized she was wearing a crushed look and forced herself to straighten up. Her mouth was always smarter than her heart after she'd had too much wine, so she gave it permission to speak up. Renee turned to face him, looking him in the eye, "Absolutely not. In fact, I think it would be a good idea for you...and your dog.... to stay on your side of the street from now on.... I will most certainly stay on mine." As she went to open the door, he pushed it closed, blocking her, "Hey, what the hell was that all about?" "You got what you wanted. Get out of my way," she reached for the door handle again; but he didn't move. It was his turn to say, "Excuse me?" "You heard me. You got laid. You want me out of your house. I'm going...if you'll just get out of my fucking way." He sighed but still didn't move for a moment. "I didn't do anything that you didn't want too, Renee. Don't act like that." He sounded more serious now. "Don't act like what?" He moved enough for her to open the door. He crossed his arms across his chest. "Renee, I don't know what to say to you right now. I thought we had a good time. I thought you enjoyed it, too. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. You really don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore." "Won't bother me anymore?" she muttered more to herself than to him, "Passive aggressive." He walked away from the door and back through the house. As she walked outside, Babboo followed her, wagging his tail. She looked down at him and said, "Go home, Babboo. You belong to him." Babboo barked and sat down at the curb as she crossed the street. He barked three more times as she made her way up the porch steps. She turned to look at the dog, and he barked to her again as she went inside the house. She tried not to notice that his truck occupied a space a good two rows away from where she normally parked. But, the combination of a clear knowledge that he no longer wished to see her and the sudden swelter of mid-summer heat nauseated her. She was just in time for office hours, and she was grateful to see that there was no one to crowd into her office so early in the morning. She made a detour to the rest room and splashed cold water on her face. She sighed as it also landed on her blouse. 'Of course, a beautiful start to the day,' Renee decided she needed a vacation. Her newfound pessimism was depressing even her. Being the oldest of the science buildings, the air conditioning was barely functional. She turned on the little fan she'd kept in a corner all winter, letting the air blow against her face. She found a barrette in the top desk drawer and pulled her hair up. Her eyes were closed, and a slight feeling of relaxation was overcoming her anxiety when a loud rap echoed from the door. Her mind jerked back a few days. It wasn't dissimilar from his knock. She straightened her shoulder, angled the fan a little away from her and let her hair down, fluffing it with her fingers. She called out, "Come on in." She hoped the pimply-faced teenager didn't see the disappointment in her face. He opened his textbook and began talking almost without exchanging hellos. She knew many of younger students both feared her and lacked in social graces. So, she listened, explained and listened some more. "James, it basically comes down to this: When a star uses up its available fusion fuel, its mass can no longer be supported by internal gas pressure. While outer layers are blown away, the resulting collapsed core will result in either of a white dwarf, a neutron star, or a black hole, depending on its final mass." It was a basic concept that he was trying to make much harder than necessary. She smiled as he wrote down what she'd said word for word. When he was gone, she chided herself, 'what is wrong with you? Why do you even want him knocking at your door? So, it was a one-night stand. Not your forte, but just move on.' The day was long, and by the time she returned to her car, his truck was nowhere to be seen. She felt her shoulders slump forward a little. 'He just wanted to get laid, Renee. What the hell is wrong with you? Quit thinking about him.' She hesitated then picked up her cell phone and called Mardi. Her friend's voice was decidedly disappointed. The yoga classes were her escapes from the kids, the husband and the house, and she didn't like to go alone. But, Renee insisted, "Really, I feel like shit. I think I'm getting a virus or something. I'll call you tomorrow." Her heart leapt when she pulled into the drive and saw the black lab lying across her front porch, panting, watching. He didn't stand as she approached, just wagged his tail. "I agree, Babboo; its too damn hot and humid to stand up if you don't have to." She sat her bag down on the stair and sat down beside the dog, scratching his head. She glanced over her shoulder, just a small part of her thinking, 'maybe,' but there were no flowers, no cute notes. Just one big, hot dog. She looked across the street. His truck wasn't there. She frowned, "Is he leaving you out in this heat all day?" She stood up again and looked to his house. "Wait here," she told the dog as she went inside and came back with a bowl of water. The dog drank the whole bowl, and she tried to talk herself into going back into the house and leaving the lab to his own devices. But, she just couldn't do it. If he were hit while crossing the street, she'd never forgive herself. She looked at the dog and said, "You're killing me, ya know." She stood and called the dog who reluctantly stood and followed her. It wasn't until she was almost to the porch that she could see the front door was standing open. She closed her eyes and stopped for a moment. The dog continued on to the screen door. For a moment, she considered just opening the screen, letting the dog inside and going home as quickly as possible. But, the same insane impulse that had her panties around her ankles a few days earlier, had her knocking against the metal of the screen. There was silence from the house after several knocks, and it seemed lifeless inside, no noise, no light. Renee called out, "Hello? Lee? Are you home?" There was no answer. She looked down at the dog who looked up at her. A sudden strange flash of terror flooded her heart. What if something was wrong? What if Babboo had just escaped the clutches of some cruel burglar? What if Lee were dead? The rationality of her mind shook its head at the melodrama of her heart, but she decided it was best to just peek inside before she left the lab alone there. Surely he was just asleep or in the shower or something. She bit her lip, 'In the shower.' She'd barely got a glimpse at his body from the way he'd taken her from behind. She tried to ignore the ache between her legs as she opened the door and stepped inside, the dog following closely behind. She called out, "Hello?" again as the dog trotted past her towards the kitchen. She stopped and looked around. Nothing looked particularly out of place, although with all the boxes, nothing looked particularly in place yet either. Just as she made the decision to turn back, she heard the startled, almost angry male voice behind her, "What the hell?" As she turned, he continued, "What are you doing in my house?" Renee opened her mouth to explain as she had the revelation that she must now look like an insane jilted lover. The words just popped out of her mouth, "I'm here looking for the bunny." He sat his bag down by the door, his keys still in his hand, "The bunny? What? What are you talking about?" He was obviously too annoyed to get the obscure reference. "Fatal Attraction? Rabbit stew?" He was looking at her like she was crazy when she continued, "No, sorry, um, wow, that was not a good thing to bring up, huh?" 'You have two masters degrees and a PhD, that's the best you can do?' she asked herself. She cleared her throat, "Babboo was on my porch. The front door was open. You didn't answer.... I'm sorry, I should have stayed outside...I was just..." She stopped, 'Having insane thoughts about serial killers and burglars...that's what you're going to say?' She swallowed, "I was just letting the dog inside." As she looked at the floor and tried to walk past him as quickly as possible, she felt his hand on her arm, "Renee, wait." His voice was softer now, "I'm sorry, you just startled me. I parked around back; I just didn't hear you...I had a little adrenaline going there for a minute...thank you for walking Babboo home." She looked up into his eyes and had the impulse to kiss him, but she didn't. Shaking her head and saying, "No problem, I like him. He's a sweet dog." As she pushed open the screen, he called out, "I wish you still liked me too." She stopped and let the words hang in the air a moment. "I don't dislike you, Lee," she turned to face him again. He grinned, "Then, why don't you come in and I'll make us something to eat, open a bottle of wine..." It was a sudden flashback and she felt the smile fade from her face. Did he think she was an idiot? Did he honest to God believe she was reliving that same night over again with him now? She tried to hide the annoyance in her voice, "No, thank you. I need to get home." She turned and walked away quickly. If he said anything else, she didn't hear it. Mardi had pulled the big white Adirondack chair from the back yard to the front, planting herself well within it. She wore the fanny pack with abandon. There was no way Renee was wrapping such a nylon object around her waist, whether it was convenient for making change or not. Mardi had borrowed two large tables that normally sat in the reception hall of her church and had scrounged an old card table from the garage. The things Mardi had hauled over in her mini van took up the majority of the space. Renee had said they should host the sale at Mardi's house, but she'd insisted they'd have more traffic where Renee lived. "Location, location, location," she'd chanted as they packed the boxes into the van the night before, small children scurrying under their feet and demanding to know the contents of each cardboard container. Renee tried to humor them for a while; their mother did not, ordering them back into the house. Renee looked at the card table holding her hope chest contents. 'It's for the best. Look how much those kids got on your nerves last night. Some people just aren't mean to be mothers,' she told herself as the first pair of women began to examine them. She turned away, and Mardi reached up, touching her arm when she saw the tears in Renee's eyes, "Just take them back inside, honey...you don't have to do this." Renee shook her head, "No, I'm being stupid. I'm just ready to have my period or something." Mardi shook her head, "Yeah, right, tough girl..." She stopped mid-reprimand. "Oh my, look at this, honey," She tugged on her arm now and pointed behind her. Renee turned, and there he was. Lee. Babboo was standing on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street alternating between whining and barking. "You stay there!" The dog sat down but didn't give up his verbal pleas for permission to join them. He smiled when he saw her, "Renee, don't you look pretty today." She looked down at her t-shirt and khaki shorts, looking back up to raise an eyebrow him. But, he was already exploring the contents of the sale. He made a beeline for her little card table, and her heart pounded. He stared at the baby clothes for a moment, and then turned and said, "Guess there's not much for a single guy here, huh?" She didn't realize that Mardi was beside her until she heard her say, "Well maybe not for sale, but..." and she shoved Renee forward a little. Renee felt her face redden from a combination of anger and embarrassment. She turned and whispered to Mardi, "Are you in high school? I can't believe..." Then, he was closer than she realized and talking beyond her, "Well, I've tried to talk her into having dinner with me again. But she doesn't seem to want to?" "No way," Mardi poked her, "You turned him down? Did you take a good look at him?" Mardi winked at Lee as he laughed. Renee closed her eyes, feeling trapped, feeling horrified. Not sure which one of them she wanted to smack first until she heard Mardi say, "When do you want to have dinner with her, sugar?" "Tonight?" his amused voice made her cringe. "She'll be there, if I have to handcuff her and bring her over myself." Mardi answered, grinning as Renee gave her a look to kill. She could feel his grin as he leaned in and answered, "Handcuffs, huh? That might be fun." Mardi reached past her and smacked him on the arm, "You're a bad boy. I like that. Renee needs a bad boy for once in her life." She decided she was the meat in a sandwich of humiliation. As he left, he called Babboo to his side and disappeared into his own house, first he turned to wave at her former best friend. Mardi said, "He said, 'again.' I cannot believe you had dinner with a man who looks like that and didn't even tell me. You should be ashamed. You know I live vicariously through anyone who doesn't have to fuck Bobby." For the first time in a long time, Renee felt sorry for her husband. And, in that spirit said little for the rest of the day. She had just showered, combed threw her wet hair and put on her pajamas when the knock came at the door. It was nine p.m. She thought of ignoring it. She'd lived alone in the city for so long that she was suspicious of any unknown visitor after dark. She did not want to be a story on the evening news. She glanced at the stack of papers on her coffee table and back to the door when the knock repeated. When she heard his voice call out, "Hey Renee, I know you're in there. Open up!" She opened the door. He smiled and held up a bottle of wine. She shook her head. Just as he said, "You didn't show up to dinner," she said, "You're not getting me drunk again." Each looked at the other and answered, "What?" He continued with, "I did not get you drunk!" And she tried to speak over him saying, "I can't believe you thought I was actually coming to dinner!" He huffed, and she shook her head. He twisted his mouth to the side for a moment then turned on his heels, calling out, "You're impossible, Renee." Renee opened the screen and called out to his back, "I am not impossible, you prick!" He turned back to face her, "I'm a prick now? How am I a prick now? Because I wanted to have dinner with you? Because I wanted whatever this is between us to be more than some fuck over the sink?" Renee shook her head, "Oh no, don't you try to sound like some good guy." She could feel herself getting angrier as she stomped closer to him, "You want this to be something more? I didn't throw you out of my house as soon as I was done with you. That was you, buddy. Not me!" "Threw you out!? I did not fucking throw you out!" He looked surprisingly insulted. She responded with a "Ha! And, may I quote, 'Can I walk you home now, Renee?'" "What? What? Are you insane? I was asking you if you wanted to stay...Should I walk you home now, Renee?" he repeated the question, his voice rising just at the end of the phrase, "You're the one who left like you did." "That is not how you said it." "That is how I said it." "You're an ass." "You're a crazy woman." Neither realized just how loud their voices had gotten until the little old lady who lived next door, banged her cane on the chain link fence, "You want me to call the police, Renee, honey?" She pointed her cane in Lee's direction, "I may be old, but I see you...I see real clear. I can pick you out of a line up!" Renee bit her lip, suppressing a laugh, "I'm okay, Mrs. Johnson. This is Lee. He just moved in across the street." The old woman furrowed her eyebrows together, "Then you two keep it down!" Lee met Renee's eye, and they both laughed, "Pick me out of a line up? I think she watches too much Law and Order." Renee smiled and looked at the ground, then asked, more quietly, "Were you really asking me to stay?" Lee took a step closer, bringing him less than a pace away from her, "Of course I was...why would I want you to leave?" Renee muttered, "I don't know" as she felt his fingers under her chin, lifting it until she looked into his eyes. She could barely mutter, "Do you want to come inside?" Lee smiled and answered, "Of course, I do." Renee stared, slightly horrified, at the couch as they walked through the door. Strewn on it were her salvaged yard sale items: the baby clothes, the empty picture frames, even the crumpled wedding dress page laid like a bad omen at the foot. Lee took in the sight and said, casually, "Leftovers from the yard sale, huh?"