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Cleaning Up Her Heart

By: JewelTran



As Nicki pulled off her shirt, she thought about how, at one point in her life, she would have thought it was sexy to wash the shower in the nude - feel the warm water caress her skin, flow over her arms and run down her legs. But then again, maybe not. Maybe she would never have thought of her doing anything in the nude as sexy. She didn't really think of herself and sexy in the same sentence. Ok, she had never thought of herself and sexy in the same sentence. But, she reasoned, washing the shower in the nude would be sexy if it was someone else's body! There - now that was a sexy thought.

The effort at having to reason out her dislike of her own body just in order to have a passing thought wore Nicki down. Would she ever get over her feelings toward her body? It wasn't that she didn't like the shape of it - she actually would have thought it was a cute little round seductive body on someone else - it was just that it belonged to her. She just didn't like the idea that she had a body at all. She didn't like the fact that she felt like she was supposed to be treating it well, learning from it, appreciating it's contribution to her whole self and perhaps working toward a picture of joint mental and physical health.

Nicki had been told as a child that "fat" was disgusting. When she had blossomed at puberty (ok, before puberty!), she was told that she was developing into a lusty object for men's sexual fantasies (at least some parts of her body were doing that), and now that she was an adult, she was bombarded by a world that seemed to think that anything higher than 2% body fat was TOTALLY uncool.

Of course, it was the mind games from Nicki's childhood that had marked her the most. She had felt the fear of being abandoned if she wasn't pretty, thin and sexy enough (my God, why should a child be sexy???) for her father to display her to his cohorts. Only recently had she been able to accept that her father had not only not loved her, but that he hadn't even cared that she was a fellow human being, except in what she could do for him. It was humiliating to have spent so many years wanting someone to love her only to discover that she didn't even register as a blip on his monitor of reality.

So, no, Nicki wasn't going to get over her feelings toward her body any time soon. The action of taking off her shirt in order to wash the shower was simply a calculated move to keep from having to go home in a wet shirt. You see, the shower she was washing wasn't her own. She was washing the shower at one of the houses she cleaned. That was her job. That's what she did to make ends meet.

Well, that's not completely true. Nicki really didn't need the money. She had been the beneficiary of a reasonable life insurance policy when her husband had died in a car accident. They had been married for 5 years. Their marriage was a good one, but it had never really reached the depths of Nicki's soul. Of course, logic told her, good marriages take time.

Nicki and her husband had actually been moving into a deeper stage of understanding one another when the accident happened. A drunk driver had hit her husband's car with such force that the two cars were embedded into one another. The tow truck driver had loaded the cars up together on his flatbed, not even bothering to try to separate them.

Nicki's husband had died on the scene and the drunk driver died on the way to the hospital. Nicki was always glad that she didn't have to go through the trauma of having to go to court against the drunk driver and live with the fact that rarely do drunk drivers ever get a punishment severe enough to even slightly ease the hearts of the bereaved.

And Nicki had been bereaved. She had sat in her dark house for weeks after the funeral, trying to piece together what she was going to do now. This wasn't how her future was supposed to look. Finally, in desperation, she called up a couple of friends and asked if she could clean their houses. Her own was spotless (at least she thought it was - she actually hadn't had on the lights in a while). Her friends agreed and she found that they gave her name out to several other friends along the way. Soon, she had about 10 houses (2 a day) and she had a regular routine. It felt good to get up in the morning and have to get dressed. Well, maybe it didn't feel too good as she was doing it, but she was always glad later that she had done it. People always said that about exercise - maybe she would try that next!

By now, Nicki had taken off her shirt and her shorts. She had pulled her longish hair up into a loose bun, gathered her comet and scrub brush and climbed into the shower. She was only free to do this kind of stripped down cleaning in a few of her houses. Whenever someone was at home, she would never do it, but if it was a home where the owners worked during the day, she was fairly comfortable cleaning in her bra and panties - at least in bathrooms where the door shut and locked!

And the house that Nicki was cleaning was a safe house, all around. This house belonged to a friend of a friend. Actually it was the boss of a friend who worked in a bank. Nicki had met the man only once when she had arrived to go over what he was looking for in a housekeeper. His name was Gabriel Matthews. He was a single man who lived alone, except for every other week-end. That was the extent of his visitation rights.

The little girl looked precious from the pictures Gabriel had in his bedroom - of course, she also looked to not be that little anymore. Nicki would guess from the latest picture that she was a teen-ager. She didn't look like her dad. She had long blonde hair with laughing, sky blue eyes. Her skin was the color of ivory and her face was round and covered in freckles. She was short and solid, with a body befitting the strength of a gymnast. Her dad, on the other hand, had black hair with a fair bit of gray in it. He also had dark eyes and darker skin. His body was large, both in height and girth - manly in the XXL kind of way.

But it was in the smile that the father and daughter differed so drastically. The girl's smile could light up any room - perfect teeth accompanied an open honest view into her soul. She was a genuine joy to behold when she smiled at the camera. Her father, however, seemed to not have the slightest clue what a smile was.

Although Gabriel Matthews had no pictures of himself, Nicki could well remember his face from the interview she had had with him. He was serious and no-nonsense. Everything was matter-of-fact and straightforward. Nicki usually had no problem putting people at ease with her presence, but this man had not only preferred to stay uptight around her, he had actually told her not to expect to have any kind of friendship with him. He had commented that his last housekeeper had wanted to chit chat and that he had fired her for being so cheery. Nicki had rolled her eyes behind his back, but had demurely assured him that she understood to his face. No, he didn't appear to be the kind of man who could father a child as happy as the one she saw in the pictures.

Gabriel's house was just as cold as he was. Except for the pictures in his bedroom, everything else was impersonal and detached. It was also expensive and well designed. She imagined that he could rent it out quiet easily to company executives - they could entertain nicely with the house and then leave it - never having become attached to anything within it's walls. Nicki figured that Gabriel lived here with the same kind of attitude. Nothing even faintly resembled having been loved or cherished.

Nicki had no fear that Gabriel would walk in on her. She had been cleaning his house now for almost a year. He would leave her check by the phone. If she needed to notify him about something, she would leave a note in the same place. His work kept him busy and she had never seen him after their initial meeting, which was fine with her.

As Nicki scrubbed down the walls and rinsed off the floor, she thought about how sour the man was. Why would someone deliberately be so rude and cut off friendships before they had even started? Maybe Gabriel figured that she was hired help and not in his league. But from the frozen dinner boxes and take out containers in the trash, Nicki knew that she wasn't the only person he had cut out of his life. He seemed to live a very solitary existance.

Nicki finished up the shower and looked down at her body. She had done a reasonable job of keeping herself dry this time. She usually looked like she had been taking a shower instead of cleaning one. But her panties were dry this time and her bra only was wet around her nipples. Well, she didn't have to wear it home! She finished the rest of the bathroom and stepped back out into the bedroom.

She whipped off her bra and slipped her shirt on and pulled up her shorts. After she gathered up her cleaning supplies, she headed through the house to put everything in place. A cushion here and a piece of trash there and then she was finished. She looked back out over the living area with a nod of satisfaction and spun around to head out the door.

However, at that exact same moment, Gabriel unlocked the door from the outside and headed into his home. They collided in midflight. The both stood there shocked, trying to sort out what had happened.

Nicki was the first to speak, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I was just leaving. Are you ok?"

Gabriel was looking at her with a dark scowl, almost as if he didn't know who she was. Finally, he growled out, "I'm fine. Please don't let me stop you." He turned sideways, toward the door, and held it open, indicating that he thought her idea of leaving was an excellent one.

Nicki suppressed a desire to roll her eyes again at his rudeness. Instead, she moved to go past him. However, neither one of them was small. Although she tried to squeeze past, her whole body ended up pressed against Gabriel. He didn't offer to move, so Nicki gave up and let her breasts rub across his stomach as she left. She really didn't have a choice. She turned to say good-bye once she was outside, but when she turned the door was already shut. She couldn't resist the urge this time and stuck her tongue out at the closed door.

"What an ass!" she thought. Then she giggled. Actually, he did have a really cute ass! She had always been a connoisseur of men's backsides and he had a really nice one. She remembered a ditty that her mom used to sing, "Little Tom Toddy, all ass and no body." Well, Gabriel had a body, too, so she guessed that the song didn't really fit, but it did make her laugh. She climbed into her truck and headed home.

It had been almost two years since her husband's death. Nicki had moved out of their home at the end of the first year and moved into a little townhouse in her same neighborhood. She had very little maintenance to do and liked it that way. She laughed outloud as she walked into her own space and realized how much it was like the house she had just left. Like Gabriel, she had very little that was special or personal.

Very little that was personal that was, until you got to her bedroom. This room was filled with personal stuff. Pictures, lamps, quilts, old toys. This was the only room she felt like she really let herself go in. Here she had her TV with her collection of videos (some were even the scandalous type), her favorite pillow (it had been her dad's - she figured Freud would have a field day with why she felt a need to sleep on her hateful father's pillow) and her "toys". Nicki's version of "toys" ranged from the latest craft she was enjoying, to her newest book to her collection of vibrators. She had long ago decided that, within her bedroom walls, she ought to be able to do all the things that she wanted to do. No one else entered the room and she liked it that way. It was her private sanctuary.

Nicki wasn't expecting visitors, so she slipped off her shoes and pulled off her shorts. She stretched out across her bed and shut her eyes. It had been a long time since she had taken a nap during the day and she never dreamed she would actually go to sleep! Nicki was shocked to open her eyes and realize that an hour and a half had passed. She was just going back down the hall to try to get some ideas for supper when the doorbell rang.

Having forgotten that she was only wearing her shirt and panties, Nicki went to answer the door. When she opened it, she frowned. Gabriel Matthews was standing on her doorstep. He looked as darkly angry as ever. But he also looked like he was frozen in stone. He had his mouth open looking as though he were about to yell at her, but no sound was coming out. She followed the path of his eyes to her legs and realized that she was only partially dressed. Her face contorted in a grimace at her own absentmindedness, but she also determined that if he was going to show up unannounced at her home, he would just have to take what he got! Anyway, her t-shirt covered her panties, so it wasn't like he could see anything revealing.

"Yes? Can I help you, Mr. Matthews?" Nicki asked in her most professional voice.

Gabriel seemed to snap out of a trance and looked at her somewhat confused. Then he shook his head clear of some invisible cobwebs and answered her. "What is the meaning of this Ms. Marsh?" He was waving something in the air beside his head. He had it clinched in his fist and was acting as though it was his battle flag.

"It's Mrs. Marsh, and what is the "this" you are talking about, Mr. Matthews? I can't tell you the meaning of something that I can't figure out what it is!" Nicki was getting angry at the man for being so unbearably annoying. She wanted to slam the door in his face, but she was trying to go for dignified. Of course, she was in her panties so maybe dignified wasn't quiet possible!

"This!" Gabriel practically shouted at her. This time, he held the object up in front of her.

Nicki's eyes got as big as saucers. "Oh, my God!!!" Nicki looked down at her chest as if accusing it of betraying her, then she reached up and grabbed the object out of Gabriel's hand. She gathered her thoughts and figured that cold, hard logic was called for, "That, Mr. Matthews, is a bra. My bra. If you don't recognize what it is, perhaps you should pay a little more attention to the world around you."

Ok, it was a lame response, but she was shocked. She had forgotten to pick the damn thing up after she took it off in his bedroom. She was mortified that he had found it on his bed and was sure that he figured she had done wanton and unmentionable things in his own home - more precisely, in his own bed.

Gabriel looked at her like he couldn't believe she was talking back to him. Again, he opened his mouth as if to say something, then shut it.

Nicki decided that she needed to handle this a little better, "Mr. Matthews, if you would come inside, I can explain." She wondered just exactly what she was going to explain. Let's see, "I strip to wash your bathroom" somehow didn't sound as innocent as it really was. But anything was better than standing on her porch yelling at each other.

Gabriel looked like he was going to make a loud retort, but suddenly, his attitude sagged and he drug his hand through his thick hair. "Fine. I don't know how you are going to explain this one, but I am going to enjoy listening to you try." Well, he was still being an overbearing jerk, but at least he wasn't angry anymore.

As Nicki led the way into her living room, she wondered if he noticed the similarities between their homes. She doubted that he noticed much about other people. However, she was now holding the bra that he had obviously noticed. Maybe she was wrong about him. "Please sit down and make yourself comfortable."

"You act like this is a social call, Ms. Marsh."

"Again, Mr. Matthews, it's Mrs. Marsh, but I would prefer that you call me Nicki. After all, I do know what kind of underwear you wear, since I fold it every week, and, now you obviously know what kind I wear. It seems odd to remain on such formal terms in light of the circumstances."

"All right, Nicki," he said, sarcastically. "Would you mind explaining why a "Mrs. Marsh" would leave her underwear in another man's bedroom? Or isn't "Mr. Marsh" doing an adequate job?"

Nicki's eyes flew open, "I've known a lot of jackasses in my life, Mr. Matthews, but you take the cake. My husband is dead - has been for two years now. So, no, I guess he isn't doing everything I want him to be doing. But trust me, even dead, he's a better man than you are living!" Nicki's voice was raised in her anger. Never, never had she been face to face with such an arrogant . . . no, that wasn't true, her dad had been just as nasty. So, yeah, she had been in this position before, and she didn't like it any better this time than she had in the past.

Gabriel stood there, his face emotionless. She wondered what was going on behind the mask. Actually, she wondered if he was going to hit her, or if she was going to hit him. The physical tension in the room was stifling.

Gabriel wanted to die. How could he have gotten this far out of control? What had happened to him. When he had met Nicki Marsh a year ago, he had realized that he was in trouble. She was cute, sweet and lovable. It had only taken a moment in her presence to realize that she would be a force for his heart to reckon with. He had been the worst kind of brute to her, assuring her that she would not be his friend and she would not be seeing him again. And his plan had worked well. For a year, he had come home every Thursday and laid down on his bed and breathed in her scent. In addition to cleaning his house, she left it warm and inviting simply from having been there. He dreaded for the minutes to pass that caused her presence to evaporate away.

But he had had enough of relationships. It was far better to keep this woman relegated to the fantasy world. After all, she was just a woman, and all women had one thing in common - using anything they had to get what they wanted. His ex-wife had taken him to court over and over to get more money and used his love of their daughter to get it. Only yesterday, he had received notice that she wanted him in court once again. Women were NOT worth his effort.

However, when he had run into Nicki earlier today as she was leaving his house, he had been aware of a different kind of effort on his part. It was the effort to not take her in his arms and kiss her startled face. He had actually forgotten she would be there until he pulled into the driveway. After all, he almost never left work early. But when he saw her car in the cul-de-sac, he had known there was a chance that he could see her. Fear, excitement, dread, lust, and desire had coursed through his body all at once. And being Gabriel Matthews, the best face when one was unsure of his feelings, was animosity.

So Nicki had encountered his cold and detached face when she ran into him. The feeling of her breasts as she had to squeeze past him had burned into his soul. He had practically slammed the door shut to keep from yanking her bodily back inside. Then, when he had finally gotten to the sanctity of his room, he had thrown himself across the bed and found his face in a bra.

A bra? His brain had momentarily wondered whose it was. Then he laughed out loud - it wasn't like there were a lot of options for the owner! Other than his daughter, no one else, female or male, had been in his house for months. And from the looks of the bra, it sure wasn't his daughter's! Joy had surged through his heart as he realized that he was holding HER bra - Nicki's bra. It was still damp with her sweat and filled with her scent. He sniffed it loudly. Then reality hit him. Why was her bra in his bed? My God, was she entertaining men in his house? The thought of her with another man made his blood boil. He suddenly was seized with a burning fury to know what she had done in his bed.


Cleaning Up Her Heart



It had actually taken him a few minutes to realize that he had no idea where she lived. He finally thought to call his friend that had originally given him her name as a housekeeper. He kept his tone calm and explained that she had left something behind and he wanted to run it over to her. By the time he had her address, almost an hour had passed. He sped off to her house, but managed to get pulled over by a police officer. Although he hadn't gotten a ticket, he had been sharply dressed down by the officer for speeding. When he arrived at her door, he was fit to be tied.

And then Nicki opened the door all sleepy eyed and half naked. Gabriel had lost his cool and begun shouting at her. Her lack of remorse and her ability to counter his anger made him even angrier. When she invited him in, he refused to give the joy in his heart a chance to blossom. Instead, he turned again on her in his anger. And now, Gabriel was truly wishing that the floor would open up and swallow him. He had just insulted her and her husband beyond belief and she was still acting with dignity and poise.

The air was filled with electricity between the two of them. Finally, Gabriel threw his hand up over his face and half sat, half fell into her couch. With is face buried in his hands, he said, "God, I'm so sorry. I had no right to say that. I'll go. And, you don't have to come back to my house. I'm so sorry." He stood up and took an unsteady step toward the door.

Nicki's anger left her in a heartbeat. She was close beside him and reached out to steady him. He looked down at her hand on his arm and then up into her eyes. He didn't see anger there any more. In fact, he wasn't sure what he was seeing, but he didn't want to stop looking. It was like looking into a pool of liquid blue, tranquil and inviting.

Softly, Nicki said, "Gabriel, please sit back down. It's ok. You didn't know about my husband. And you did find my bra in your bed. You have to have wondered what in the world was going on! But I really would like to explain."

Gabriel let Nicki sit him back down on the couch. When she went to turn away to sit in a chair, he grabbed hold of her hand. She gave him a quizzical look, "Yes?"

Gabriel shut his eyes as though he were trying to do something difficult and wasn't sure how to go about it. "Please sit beside me," he whispered.

Nicki's eyes widened, but she slid down beside him. He didn't let go of her hand.

"My bra was on your bed because I take off my shirt to wash your shower. The bra got wet today and I decided not to wear it home wet. I simply forgot to pick it up when I got all the supplies. I am sorry that I did that to you. I would never have left it there on purpose."

"So you clean my shower half naked?"

Nicki could have sworn that she saw a hint of a smile on his mouth. She had decided not to tell him that she took off her shorts too, and now, since he was almost laughing at her, she was glad she hadn't. "Yeah, I hate to go home looking like I've been in a wet t-shirt contest!"

That actually did get a chuckle out of Gabriel. The action transformed his face from ice-cold stone to human. And it made him so handsome it nearly took Nicki's breath away. "Look, would you like a coke or something?" she asked.

Gabriel looked at her in surprise. "You're not going to throw me out and never see me again?" he asked.

"Well, it's not like I see you a lot now! But no, I'm not going to throw you out. I was just getting ready to go forge around in the kitchen for some supper when you rang the doorbell." Now why on earth had she told him that? She could kick herself. It sounded like she was begging him to take her out - at least that's what it sounded to like to her own ears.

Gabriel was still holding her hand and his eyes flashed. "Well, I wouldn't mind taking you out, but I'm afraid that most of the restaurant goers would want to eat you the way you're dressed!"

Nicki stared at him with wide eyes. Never had anyone, her dead husband included, suggested that she might be desirable in a sexual way. She felt the wheels in her brain struggling to digest what he had said. Finally, her inner self rejected the thought that he might be serious. She stood up off the couch and said, in a cold and hurt voice, "You don't have to make fun of me. I know I'm not that much to look at, but you don't have to rub it in." She started across the room, leaving Gabriel watching her go.


Gabriel was totally confused and it showed on his face, had Nicki bothered to look at him. Gabriel made a sudden decision that, although he didn't have the foggiest notion what had just happened, he wasn't about to let her out of his sight until he did understand. He leapt off the couch and crossed the room in three quick steps (he really was fairly tall!). He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her around to face him. She refused to look up at him, staring resolutely into his chest. "Nicki? What did I say? I'm really new at this and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. What is it?"

The newfound tenderness in Gabriel's voice and the rawness of NIcki's emotions had tears running down her cheeks. She was determined not to look at him, but he put his hand under her chin and guided her face upward. Nicki kept her eyes closed, therefore she was totally unprepared when she felt Gabriel's lips press against hers. The contact caused her eyes to fly wide open. But as soon as she saw that his eyes were shut, she couldn't help herself. Her own eyes shut again, and she responded to his kiss. The kiss seemed to last forever.

As Gabriel pulled away, he looked deeply into her now opened eyes. "I don't know what I said, but I promise you that I didn't mean to hurt you again."

Nicki lowered her face again and said, "It's just that I know that I'm not attractive and it really hurts when people tease me about it."

Gabriel couldn't believe what he was hearing. He again tilted her face up to his. "Do you have any idea how much I have fantasized about you? Do you have any idea how beautiful I think you are? Don't you have a clue what you do to me?" Nicki was looking at Gabriel with doubt in her eyes.

"Look, I know that this is really forward of me, but here . . ." Gabriel took Nicki's hand and placed it on the front of his pants. He was hard as steel and straining at the cloth. It felt like he was on fire.

Nicki's eyes widened in wonder. "What. . .?"

"Well, honey if you don't know what that is, maybe I do need to question you more about your husband!"

Now Nicki's face turned bright red, "I know what it is, I just don't know why."

Gabriel looked at her with a "you have got to be kidding me" look on his face.

"Ok, Ok, I know why, but why me? What made you hard? Is it really me? Or are you always like this around women?"

Gabriel laughed, "Well, I'm actually not around too many women just in their t-shirt and panties, but I'm pretty sure that this effect is directly due to the fact that it is you in the t-shirt and panties."

Nicki just stared into Gabriel's eyes in wonderment. His face was so beautiful when he smiled. Suddenly he was kissing her again, and she lost herself in his kiss.

Finally, Nicki broke the kiss. "Look, I . . . this is going really fast. Let me go find my shorts and let's go get something to eat. That is, if the offer is still on."

Gabriel swatted her on the behind, "Go get dressed!"

They went to a local Chinese restaurant and wolfed down some pan fried noodle. As they talked, they found themselves more and more drawn to each other.

When Gabriel took Nicki back to her townhouse, he stopped to kiss her outside on the door step. She turned to look at him, "You can come in and stay if you want to."

As Nicki said it, she lowered her eyes, not wanting Gabriel to see that it was an offer she really didn't want to make. Nicki wanted Gabriel alright, but she figured she had to make this offer to keep him interested in her. Without sex, she was pretty sure he would figure out that she wasn't worth his time and effort. But, with sex, maybe she could keep him with her until he could see that she could be useful to him - doing his housework, keeping his bills paid, taking care of his errands, etc.

But Gabriel has seen the distress in Nicki's eyes as she lowered them. He again raised her chin in his hand. "I really want to take you up on that more than almost anything in the world. The only thing I want more is for you to realize that I really am interested in you - the whole you - not just in how much you excite me sexually."

Nicki's eyes widened in amazement. Gabriel continued, "I know that we just started this relationship. I really want to continue it. But I won't stand by and watch you put yourself down. I believe you are beautiful as well as smart, funny, and sweet. And, more specifically, I believe you are physically beautiful - not just beautiful inside. I don't know what has happened to you to make you so certain that you aren't, but I want to stay around long enough to expel those demons. And I can't do that if you think that all I am after is sex. I'll wait on the sex until you believe that you are much more to me than just a release for my sexual energy. And when we do make love, I want you to understand that I am truly making love to someone who I believe is my equal, and yet, infinitely more than I'll ever be. Does that make any sense? Or have I blown you away completely?"

Instead of answering, Nicki threw her arms around Gabriel's neck and kissed him passionately. The kiss left them both breathless and aching, but they managed to disentangle themselves and say good night.

Both of them dreamed of the other all night long. And they slept very well.

Nicki awoke to a sense of dread. She was certain that the morning light would have brought Gabriel back to his senses and he would avoid her from now on. She was shocked when the phone rang at 6:30. "Hello?"

"Hey beautiful! How did you sleep?"

Pleasure surged through Nicki's body as she heard Gabriel's voice on the other end of the phone. He had just called to make sure that she was ok with what had happened the night before. Nicki could barely contain her happiness that this incredible man cared. He promised to call her later and they rang off.

Nicki's day was spent feeling like Cinderella after the ball. Every one of her housekeeping chores seemed like a dream and she floated on air all day.

Gabriel, on the other hand, was having a different sort of day. His attorney called him to let him know that she had finally been able to catch up with his ex-wife's lawyer. Apparently, his ex-wife was getting remarried (which meant an end to the alimony). And, moreover, had decided that she didn't really want the responsibility of raising their daughter now that she was a teen-ager.

Mandy was actually 14 now, and Gabriel's ex-wife found her exasperating. She wanted Gabriel to have full custody of Mandy. Gabriel's lawyer asked how he felt about this and almost lost her eardrum when Gabriel shouted out his joy! He had always wanted his daughter and he would take her anyway her could get her. The lawyer said that he actually didn't need to do anything yet, that it would take awhile to get the papers drawn up, but that his ex wanted him to come get Mandy as soon as possible. Gabriel agreed to get pick Mandy up the next morning, since it would be Saturday.

It was only when Gabriel hung up and started to dial Nicki's cell number that he realized that he might have just ended his relationship with Nicki by taking his daughter. He stopped dialing in mid-number. He sat there holding the phone, lost in his sudden uncertainty. The operator's annoying, pre-recorded voice, informing him that if he would like to place a call, he needed to hang up and dial again, drug him out of his stupor. He laid the phone back into it's cradle. What was he going to do?

Nicki and Gabriel hadn't talked about having children yet. "Hell", he thought to himself, "we haven't even talked about our next date yet, let alone marriage and children!"

But Gabriel couldn't lose his daughter. He didn't even really know who she was now. It had been almost 9 years since he had lived with Mandy and her mom. It just wasn't the same getting to see her every other week-end. He wanted to really be her dad and now, he was getting a second chance. He couldn't give that up.

As sure as he was about his feelings for his daughter, Gabriel was just as sure that Nicki was meant to be in his life too. Maybe if she couldn't handle the daughter thing they could still date. No, that didn't feel right. Gabriel already knew in his heart that he was ready to walk Nicki down the aisle. So much for all his "women aren't worth the effort" logic. He just didn't know what to do - how was he going to tell her that there was suddenly a lot more to him than just him - now it was a package deal.

Gabriel made it through the rest of his day, but his work certainly suffered. He couldn't remember any of the figures he had looked at and none of the proposals made any sense. Finally, he gave up. It was 4:50 and he was wiped out. He decided to pack up and head home.

When he opened his door, he noticed that something was wrong. He heard some noise that wasn't right. He began following the noise down the hall and began recognizing it. It was the sound of water running. He was so tired of that damn old toilet. Just when he least expected it, it got stuck and ran all day. Now, his water bill would be out the roof. As he went down the hall, he kicked off his shoes and pulled at his tie. When he threw open the bathroom door, he realized that it wasn't his toilet. It was his shower.

"What the. . . " With all the steam in the room, he couldn't see through the glass shower doors. He pulled the door open and reached in to turn off the water. As he stuck his arm in, someone grabbed him and jerked him into the shower. He almost fell, as he was caught completely off balance.

Gabriel struggled to stand up right and figure out what was going on. His glasses were completely fogged over so he yanked them off and finally took in the scene inside his shower. It was Nicki, completely nude, with the water running over her body. She was looking up at him with those big blue eyes and giggling uncontrollably.

"What are you doing?" Gabriel bellowed. He was still completely dressed, except for his shoes.

"I'm cleaning your shower and now I'm going to clean you!" Nicki replied. She reached up for his head and forced it down to her lips.

Gabriel wasn't sure if he was enjoying this, after all he had never been fully clothed in a shower before. But Nicki's lips were helping him understand that this might not be all bad. As he finally began responding to her kiss, Nicki began unbuttoning his shirt. Her hands ran all over his chest. It was thickly covered with hair and Nicki loved it. She moved her lips down his neck and bit at his sensitive skin. He was moaning and beginning to run his hands over her body. He liked the way her skin felt under his fingers.

Nicki finally managed to get his shirt completely unbuttoned and slid it off his arms. She hadn't undone the buttons at the cuffs, so the shirt momentarily acted to pin Gabriel's arms to his sides as he struggled to get the shirt completely off.

However, Nicki wasn't in the least bit interested in helping him. She took the opportunity to begin lightly kissing his nipples. She stuck out her tongue and ran it over one of the pointy nubs and Gabriel's entire body shuddered with desire. He finally managed to drag off his shirt and grabbed Nicki's hair and pulled her head back to meet his lips in a burning kiss.

Nicki wasn't happy that Gabriel continued to be clothed, though, so she dropped to her knees and began working on his belt. Gabriel kept his hand in Nicki's hair, moaning as she brushed his throbbing erection through the material of his pants. Within moments, Gabriel felt the cool air blowing across the bare skin of his ass as Nicki pulled both pants and briefs down in one smooth movement.

This time, instead of letting him struggle, Nicki helped Gabriel step out of his pants and tossed them aside. Gabriel reached down to pull her up, but Nicki slapped his hands away. Instead, she moved back up his legs and grasped his erection. It was pulsing in her hand. She noticed the drops of water on his skin and licked them off with her warm tongue. Gabriel almost lost it right then. Nicki moved her hand up and down his shaft for a few moments and then engulfed him in her mouth. She took as much of his erection in as she could and lovingly tongued every part she touched.

When Gabriel wasn't sure he could take anymore, he whispered hoarsely, "Shall we move this to the bedroom?"

The water had begun to cool as their passion had warmed up, so Nicki thought the bed was a good idea. She leaned back and turned off the water before standing up. Gabriel's shower wasn't large, so when she stood up, their bodies were touching from head to toe. Gabriel pushed his hands in between their bodies and rubbed Nicki's breasts.

"Mmmm. . ." was all that Nicki could manage to say. She slid open the shower door and stepped out. Before both of her feet ever touched the ground, Gabriel had picked her up. She squealed in surprise, but he didn't let her go. She gave up and snuggled into his chest.

Gabriel laid Nicki on the bed and then stood up. He stood over her looking up and down her body. It made Nicki very uncomfortable to have him staring at her naked body, but she was determined to let him do it. With an emotional move that she had years of practice doing, she divorced her body from her mind and cut the feedback system.

Gabriel's eyes called for Nicki to acknowledge herself as his sexual partner, but she couldn't do that without being forced to see herself as a sexually attractive being. And although she really liked sex, she would have had to admit, that ultimately she liked it because she knew that she could give her partner pleasure. Sex really had little to do with her deep inner self.

Well, maybe it had a lot to do with her deep inner self. She knew that a man (most men at least) liked to have sex with a woman (or two if he could manage it), and that she had all the required parts to have sex. She also knew that she could please a man sexually because she was curious and daring and adventuresome in bed.

But the bottom line was that she never thought of the man as really wanting to be in bed with her, Nicki Marsh. There was always the fear that if she wasn't good enough, he would quit wanting to be in bed with her. She never allowed herself to relax and let the man really pleasure her. Oh, she might act like it every now and then, but that was all part of the "pleasing him" process. She longed for the ability to trust a man enough to believe that she was something special, but she had never felt that way and now she wasn't sure that she could even if it was true.

However, Gabriel wasn't just any man. He had been through his own share of emotional hell and had ended up in therapy dealing with his own demons. When he saw the light dim in Nicki's eyes, he knew she had left her body. And, damn it all, he wanted her back.

After a few moments, it was obvious that Nicki wasn't going to come back with just his eyes begging. Gabriel dropped to his knees beside the bed and swept her into a sitting position with her legs hanging over the bed. He crawled in between her legs so he was actually looking her in the eye.

Nicki moved to kiss him, but he stopped her, "No, Nicki". Nicki looked mortified and he momentarily lost his nerve in the sight of her pain. But he plunged on for the sake of winning her heart. "Nicki, I told you that when we make love, I want you to know that I want you - Nicki Marsh. The look in your eyes says that you don't believe that yet."




Cleaning Up Her Heart



Nicki dropped her eyes because he was right. "Nicki, don't be embarrassed. Please look at me." Nicki couldn't raise her eyes, so Gabriel lifted her chin toward him. Again her eyes were shut and tears were streaming down her face, just like the day before when he had first kissed her.

Gabriel longed to kiss her again, but he wouldn't stop if he did and this was important. "Nicki, I'm not going away. Please open your eyes. Let me see into your soul."

Nicki finally forced her eyes open and Gabriel was right there. He was true to his word, he really wasn't gone away, physically or emotionally. Nicki couldn't believe the love in his eyes. They just sat there for several minutes, drinking in the depths of each other's soul.

"The timing isn't right anymore, Gabriel," Nicki whispered.

"No, Nicki, the timing is perfect, just not for sex. I've never felt more loving in my life than I do at this moment. You didn't make a mistake, baby, you just took us to a much deeper level quicker than I ever could have. You are so much more than I ever hoped for."

Gabriel realized that standing up and putting on clothes right now would feel like a rejection to Nicki. So instead, he stood up and pulled her up with him. He took her hand and walked over to his closet. Fortunately he had two house robes. He had never worn either one and had seriously considered giving them away. But, at this moment, he was truly glad that he had not. He pulled one onto his own body, not bothering to close it and then wrapped Nicki in the other. She looked like a little girl, all cute and snuggly - A little girl!!! Gabriel groaned as he remembered his earlier dilemma.

"Nicki, we have to talk," Gabriel moaned again.

"I thought we were doing a pretty good job of talking," Nicki answered, confusion written all over her face.

"No, not about us. Well, sort of about us. But not really. . ."

"Gabriel, you're not making a lot of sense. What's are you talking about?" Nicki asked.

Gabriel sat down heavily on the edge of his bed, "Oh, Nicki, my daughter is coming."

"Is this her week-end?" Nicki asked, still confused.

"No, no, no, she's coming to live with me . . . permanently."

Gabriel's body was tense as he was steeling himself for the worst. Nicki's face cleared up and she began laughing at him. "Honey, that's wonderful! When did you find out? When do you get her? Is she coming tonight?"

Gabriel's head was spinning with all of Nicki's questions. But more importantly, he was shocked at her response. "You don't mind that Mandy's coming to live with me?" Gabriel asked, somewhat stupidly.

Nicki stopped in mid-sentence and looked at him with a slightly taken aback look, "Mind? Why would I mind?"

Gabriel looked sheepish and answered, "I thought you might not want a kid around."

"Not want a kid? Are you kidding? I love kids! And she's already in the best stage - no diapers or toilet training - just boys and school and all those problems that go along with growing up! I'm so excited for you!" Nicki said, enthusaistically.

"Wait a minute - you're excited for me? What about us? I really don't want this to mess us up, but I just can't pass up the chance to have my daughter," Gabriel said, feeling his heart in his throat.

Again, Nicki laughed, "Honey, if you still want me, I'm yours. Daughter or no daughter. I just think that having your beautiful daughter around is going to be an added benefit. Maybe we can't make out in the shower everyday, but she will spend the night at friend's houses occasionally. And if I can ever convince you to bed me, maybe we can have sex the whole time she's gone!"

Gabriel's mind was racing. He couldn't believe this was happening. Here he was sitting on his bed with a half naked, beautiful woman standing between his legs. A woman that he was rapidly falling deeper and deeper in love with, who was willing to share her life with him and his daughter. He would never have believed it was possible 24 hours ago. But Nicki was real, she was here and she was his. He was suddenly choked up by all of the emotions that were running through his body. He hadn't felt close to anyone in so long and now, his world was becoming more complete by the moment. Nicki wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him into her chest as he cried. She stroked his hair and murmured calming words of security and assurance. When he finally managed to pull his emotions together, he looked up at her. She was so cute right there above his face.

Seeing her and feeling her so close caused his emotions to go from somber to mischievous in a flash. He ducked his head and stuck his tongue in her belly button. Nicki squealed and tried to get away, but Gabriel had his arms around her too tightly. He continued to nip at her with his ticklish beard stubble as she squirmed and wiggled. However, just as he was beginning to get really aroused by her, the phone rang. He groaned as she took advantage of his distraction and jumped out of his arms, wrapping her borrowed robe around her body like a queen.

"Mr. Matthews, I suggest that you answer that!" Nicki stated as she whisked away into the bathroom.

Gabriel's smile of satisfaction quickly drained from his face as he heard his ex-wife's voice on the other end of the line. She was, yet again, yelling at him. Only this time, she was telling him that he could come get his daughter right now or the deal was off. Gabriel didn't have it in him to argue with her, besides he wouldn't risk losing Mandy. "I'll be there in 10 minutes," Gabriel said and hung the phone up.

Nicki came out of the bathroom with her clothes on. Gabriel looked at her. "I have to go get Mandy. Her mom's throwing her out. Do you want to come?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world! Let's go get our girl!"

Gabriel raised his eyebrow at the comment, but Nicki was already headed for the door. He yelled after her, "I think I'll wear some clothes!" But she was already opening the garage door and didn't hear him.

The ride to his ex-wife's house only took about 5 minutes, but by the time they got there, Mandy was already in the yard with her stuff. Her mom was on the porch looking fit to be tied. Gabriel got out of the car and headed toward his ex-wife.

When the woman started yelling at Gabriel, Nicki popped open the trunk from inside, jumped out of the car and started grabbing Mandy's things. "Hi Mandy, I'm a friend of your dad's. Let's get this stuff in the car."

Mandy turned her tear stained face toward her as if in a daze. "You're dad's friend?" Mandy asked, as if not really comprehending what she was saying.

"Yeah, honey, I am." Nicki didn't know Gabriel's ex-wife from Adam, but at that moment, she would have loved to have torn her apart for hurting this beautiful child so deeply. It only took a minute for Nicki to get the stuff into the trunk, but the names that Mandy's mom called Mandy during that few moments were enough to make Nicki livid. She put her arms around Mandy and guided her to the car, climbing into the back seat with her. She shut the door and, although they could still hear the argument outside, at least inside the car the words were so muffled they were unintelligible.

Mandy burst into tears as they settled in and Nicki just held her. She stroked the girl's hair and murmured words to her, similar to the ones she had murmured to Gabriel earlier. Nicki watched as Gabriel kept trying to end the conversation. But his ex-wife was intent on saying her fill. Finally, she took a step inside and slammed the door.

Gabriel's shoulders sagged in relief. He turned around to find Mandy and Nicki and was surprised that they were already in the car, along with Mandy's stuff. He had been too intent on his ex to notice anything else. Mandy had her head in Nicki's lap and Nicki was holding her like a real mother would. Gabriel was so glad Nicki was with him. It had to be good for Mandy to see what a real woman would act like. Hell, it was good for him to see what a real woman would act like. Nicki was definitely an important part of who Gabriel wanted to be now.

Gabriel wanted to assure Mandy that everything was going to be alright, but he also realized that his ex-wife's driveway wasn't the best place to spend any more time than was necessary. He got in the driver's seat, turned around and petted Mandy's hair for a moment, then backed away from the house.

The ride home was in silence except for the occasional sound of Mandy trying to get her breath back after sobbing so hard. When they pulled up to the house, Nicki briefly thought that she might ought to leave the father and daughter alone for the night. But the look in Gabriel's eyes begged her not to leave him. So she helped Mandy out of the car and into the living room. They sat together on the couch as Gabriel brought in Mandy's stuff and took it to her room.

Mandy and Nicki didn't speak, but Mandy held onto Nicki for dear life. It was as though she felt she had found a life raft in a stormy sea. When Gabriel came back to the room, he pulled a chair over in front of the two females and sat down on the edge of it. This put him in close proximity and Mandy shuttered. He frowned at that and said, "Honey, what's wrong? You know I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you."

"You heard what mom said. You know what I did. You're going to throw me out to and you're going to hate me," Mandy wailed.

Gabriel chuckled, "Honey, I would never throw you out, and, to tell the truth, I couldn't understand half of the words your mom was yelling. Had she been drinking again?"

Mandy looked up at him with fear in her eyes, but Nicki also saw determination, "Yeah. But Dad it's not her fault. You see, she caught me. . . she caught me and . . . " Mandy took a deep breath, "She caught me and Mark in bed together, Daddy. It put her over the edge. She said she had to have a drink to keep from killing me."

Gabriel's anger was evident in his eyes. Nicki wondered for a brief moment who he was angry at, because if he raised a hand to this child, Nicki herself would take him out at that precise instant. But Gabriel's next words put her worries to rest. "Mandy, your mom doesn't need a reason to drink, but she sure takes every opportunity she has. Now, let's talk about you. I know this is hard, and probably a little embarrassing to talk to your dad about. But I need to understand what you and Mark were doing in bed. Were you having sex Mandy? Were you fooling around? Was this the first time? Did Mark force himself on you? Are you - ".

Gabriel stopped in mid-sentence as Nicki put her hand on his arm to interrupt him, "Gab, let her answer one question at a time, ok?"

Mandy almost managed to stifle her giggle as she looked up at Nicki, who was still holding her, "Yeah, Dad, listen to her!"

Gabriel laughed at himself and said, "Look, you're my little girl and I am in way over my head here!" The three of them all laughed for a moment before they got serious again. But now the tension had been broken and the air was clearer.

"No Dad, we weren't have sex, well, I guess maybe sorta. I don't really know what you call it."

Nicki broke in, "Mandy, if it wasn't intercourse, I think you and I can discuss the rest of it later when your dad's not around so you don't have to be so embarrassed. First, your dad is just wanting to make sure you weren't taking any physical risks that would result in you getting pregnant or getting an STD."

"NO! We weren't doing THAT!" Mandy exclaimed.

Gabriel breathed a sigh of relief, "Ok, good. Now, what I'm most worried about is that you weren't doing something because you thought you had to. Curiosity is one thing, but fooling around to get a guy to like you more, or to get him to do something for you is another. I don't ever want you to feel like you have to use sex to make someone think you are special - you are special just the way you are."

Gabriel's eyes locked with Nicki's over Mandy's head. Nicki understood that he was telling her that he understood her own struggle. Not only was he willing to help her face her own fears, he was willing to do whatever it took to keep his own child from having to go through the same thing. Nicki was deeply touched by his compassion.

Mandy raised her head off of Nicki's shoulder. "I don't know, Dad. I really like Mark, but I feel like maybe I'm trying to use him to get something he can't give me. It's a weird feeling. Does that make any sense?"

Her dad smiled, "It makes loads of sense. And until that feeling is cleared up a little, I'd like for you and Mark to put the brakes on your physical relationship."

"You mean I can see him again?" Mandy asked, obviously startled.

"Do you want to see him again? I just assumed that you must like the guy to have ended up in your room in bed with him. If you don't want to see him again, I can make sure that he never comes around you again."

Gabriel sounded like a daddy bear off to take out anyone who hurt his cub. Mandy laughed out loud, "I DO like him daddy, but mom said I could never see him again. In fact, she mentioned boarding school, but she didn't think you could afford it."

Gabriel snorted, "Boarding school! Honey, we'll work this out. If you want to see Mark, I have no objections unless he isn't willing to abide by your request to work out your relationship before you take it farther. Then I'll have to wring his neck!"

Again, Mandy laughed at her daddy. Then she threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. She settled down on his lap and looked over at Nicki on the couch. "Daddy, don't you think it's about time to introduce me to your friend?"

Nicki and Gabriel burst out laughing. "Yeah, I think it's about time, you little snip! This is Nicki Marsh."

"Nicki Marsh? I think Nicki Matthews sounds better, Daddy."

"You impertinent child! Give a man a chance!"

"Nicki, if he doesn't ask you properly soon, let me know and I'll wear him down!" Mandy said with a wink. Turning back to her dad, she said, "Daddy, can I go call Mark and let him know what happened? Mom threw him out right before she called you and the last thing that he heard was her threatening to kill me."

"Go on and give the boy a call. But if you need me to straighten him out, just let me know!" Gabriel said as he swatted her on the backside.

"Score one for the Daddy!" Nicki said as soon as Mandy was out of earshot. Gabriel turned a questioning eye toward her. "You handled that very well. I don't think you are going to have any trouble being a full time Daddy."

Gabriel nodded, although he didn't feel as confident as Nicki was. He couldn't believe that his first big hurdle had been sex. But then again, when you are 14, what else is there? For that matter, what else is there when you are 40? 40? God, how old was Nicki? He didn't have a clue. "Nicki, um, hum, I don't even know how old you are."

Nicki laughed a short laugh and smiled at him, "I'm 29."

"29! Oh, my God! 29! I'm old enough to be your father - well, not literally, but I'm ancient compared to you! 29! Oh, God!"

"Get a grip big guy. I like my men old enough to know what they want out of life, ok? And so far, you haven't disappointed me with any of your older bodily functions," Nicki said as she slid off the couch and sat down in his lap like Mandy had. She ground her hips into his crotch and felt the responding hardening of his cock. "See what I mean? It all still seems to work just fine!" Gabriel responded by kissing her.

They were still lip locked when Mandy returned. "Guys! No wonder mom threw me out - that's gross!"

Gabriel and Nicki looked amusedly at Mandy. "How's Mark?" asked Gabriel.

"Really glad that I have a new address! I asked him to come over here and meet you two so we could all talk and clear the air. He's really nervous, but he's coming over. Maybe he could have supper with us? Pizza?" Mandy said, hopefully.

"I smell a trap here", Gabriel said looking over at Nicki. "I think I have been set up just to get pizza!"

"DAD!" Mandy whined and Gabriel laughed as he went to order the pizza.

Supper was interesting, to say the least. Mark was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof to start with, but as supper arrived and he realized that Gabriel wasn't going to kill him, he calmed down. He and Mandy made a cute couple, full of youthful energy and stories. The four of them sat around and laughed for an hour after they ate.

Mark finally said that he had better get home, he had homework to do. Mandy walked him to the door, and Nicki pulled Gabriel away so they could have a moment to kiss good night.

"What are you doing?" Gabriel demanded as Nicki drug him across the room.

"Give them a chance to say good night," Nicki whispered.

"They were saying good night just fine," Gabriel protested.

"Good night like this," Nicki replied as she grabbed the back of Gabriel's head and pulled her to him in a passionate kiss.

Finally Gabriel realized what she was talking about and gave himself over to her kiss. As he raised his head, he looked down into Nicki's face and said, "Well, not exactly like that or I'm going to have to castrate the boy!"

Mandy turned the corner just in time to see them start to kiss again. "Is that all you two ever do? I'm going to have a sibling if you two don't stop it!"

"Mandy!" both Gabriel and Nicki yelled at the same time.

Mandy just giggled and ran from the room in mock fear. "I'm going to do my homework, so I can go shopping tomorrow," she yelled back over her shoulder.

Gabriel moaned, "Shopping? Oh God, she's a full-fledged woman!"

Nicki mock punched him in the arm. Of course, then she had to kiss it better.

It was well after 10:00 before they all decided to call it a night. Nicki left the two of them alone and drove back to her own house. Just yesterday she had laughed at how similar her house was to Gabriel's. But now, her house didn't feel very much like the house she had just left. Suddenly she realized why - Gabriel's house wasn't like her's anymore. His house was filled with love now - it was a home. And not just any home - it felt like her home.

Sleep was elusive that night, as Nicki sat by her upstairs window and watched the rain pour down. She usually was lulled to sleep by the sound, but tonight it just soothed the path for her thoughts. She was in love with Gabriel. She didn't really know if he loved her or not, but she hoped he did. He seemed to. In fact, he seemed to love her more than anyone she had ever known. He had refused to take her up on her offer of her body, instead preferring her "nephish" - her psycho-spiritual totality. He wanted HER, body and soul. That was hard for her to grasp.

There was a voice inside Nicki's head saying that if she were only pretty enough he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from having sex with her. But there was a louder voice saying that it had been pretty obvious that he found her desirable and that he had withheld for noble reasons.

Maybe tonight she would listen to that voice. Maybe, just for tonight, she would believe that she was someone sexy and attractive - someone that a man could fall in love with. Maybe, just for tonight, she could integrate the persons she knew herself to be - one feisty sexual tiger and one sweet, lovable kittycat - into a whole. Maybe, just for tonight, she would believe that there was a man out there who could see both and want it all. Someone who thought she was beautiful. Someone who saw her face and believed that she was made for him. Someone who compared her to other women and found her to be the most appealing. Someone who longed to lose himself in her body - to touch her flesh and not imagine her a different shape or size, with a different face or voice. Someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life proud to be her mate. Yeah, maybe she could believe that, just for tonight. (At least that was a start!)