12 comments/ 17212 views/ 16 favorites A View from the Bottom By: Cromagnonman This is another of my different looks at life. You may not agree with what I've written and there are probably plenty of nits for you to pick, but it is a piece of romantic fiction and, unlike my previous posting 'A Chance Encounter' where the romance was short-lived and probably one-sided, in this one it is implied until right at the end. CM. * I lay here searching for a reason to get out of bed, it was a sunny day and the birds were chirping outside my window, no that won't do it for me because it was pissing down with rain outside my window and the smart birds were sheltering somewhere safe and warm. Work, no that won't do it for me, I did have a job to go to but there was nothing to excite me there, in fact work was the cause of my troubles. A year ago I would have bounded out of my comfortable bed after kissing my warm wife good morning, headed for the shower while she prepared breakfast for me, kissed her good-bye and headed for the job that I loved almost as much as her. That was twelve months ago, nine months ago I was interviewed for a promotion that I was sure of getting, only to lose out to that arse kissing bastard James (call me James) Saunders. The smirk on his face when the boss announced the result was almost too much to bear, but then the bastard decided to rub salt into the wounds by hitting on Heather, my former beautiful, warm wife and now the two of them are living together, a fact that he never ceases to rub my nose in. "Heather and I went to the theatre last night to see Hamlet and we got invited back stage to meet the cast for drinks." He announced yesterday loud enough that I had no option but to hear him. Slimy Bastard Depression is like being at the bottom of a deep well. It's cold and wet and miserable down there, but you can see the top inviting you to climb up and out of it, so you set off. At first it's difficult, the walls are slime covered and there are few hand-holds, but you persevere. It's hard work, finding a solid purchase and pulling yourself up, finding a toe-hold so that you can reach up for the next hand-hold. Slowly, millimetre by agonising millimetre you climb until, finally you are within reach of the top, you feel the warmth of the sun on your face and reach up with both hands to pull yourself up and out of this depression, and that's when that bastard James, slimy turd, Saunders stomps on your fingers and you find yourself back where you started from. It's cold and lonely, and wet, and miserable down here, and getting the motivation to begin the climb back up is getting harder and harder. I remembered that I wasn't actually going to work this morning, I have an appointment with yet another useless fucking Psychologist. This will be the third that work has sent me to speak to in an effort to get me functional again. This one will also be my last, if this one can't help me I've been told I will be fired. The first one gave up on me after three sessions because he was unable to motivate me. The second one was near enough to fucking useless. I always thought that Psychologists were supposed to recognise non-verbal cues and react to them. This useless prick put his hand on my knee and said to me, "Yes I know where you're coming from." This without a doubt the most cringe-making of the 'programmed responses' that are taught to psych students. Up until then he'd given no indication of understanding where I was coming from, where I was at, or where I was going to, he was merely parroting the words that he'd been taught in Psych 1, that were supposed to show just how empathic he was. The glare that I gave him should have been enough, but no. The intake of breath should have been enough, but no. It wasn't until I grabbed his hand and took it off my knee that he realised that I was uncomfortable with its presence on my person. From that moment on I refused to co-operate with him and he gave up. Now I was going to see number of three of this 'three strikes and you're out' scenario. I got out of bed without even bothering to pull the bed clothes up, had a shower and shave before dressing and heading for the kitchen. Breakfast took around the same time that it took for the kettle to boil and me to pour water over the instant coffee and chuck some milk in. I brushed my teeth, put on my jacket and left the house that I used to share with the beautiful Heather, climbed into my long overdue for a service car and coaxed its reluctant motor into life. It took a while to find the Psych's office, the shit heap doesn't have Sat Nav or anything like that, so I had to rely on the street directory that was five years old. I managed to find it on time and walked through the door and up to the reception counter. The Receptionist looked up as the door closed behind me, and then looked at the appointment pad on the desk in front of her. "You must be Mr Street." I nodded confirmation. "Come with me." I went with her down a passage to a room. She held the door open for me and followed me inside. "Sit down." She indicated a comfortable chair at a coffee table. Closing the door behind us she sat down in the other chair. "I'm Stephanie Browning, your new Psychologist." I was speechless, don't ask me why, I know women are Psychologists, and by all accounts very good ones, but I never expected one this young and good looking, not that I'm complaining mind you. "I've read you case notes from your previous two Psychologists, you don't think much of us, do you?" "You could say that, the last one, honestly, if he'd left his hand on my knee a second longer I would have shoved his teeth so far down his throat that he would have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean them." "I gathered that you weren't happy with him. I promise not to put my hand on your knee or say anything stupid like, 'I know where you're coming from'." "Did he actually write that on my file?" "No, but I know him and he doesn't have the imagination to come up with anything that he hasn't been taught." "And you don't agree with what's being taught, is that it?" "Only some of it, much of it is worthwhile, but there are things that make my skin crawl when I hear them, and that is one of them. Clinical modelling doesn't always relate to reality." "I gather from that you didn't always see eye to eye with your Lecturers." "No, and I was consistently marked down on my assignments, but I got through and here I am. And here you are, and the last thing that I'm going to ask is that you 'tell me a bit about yourself'. Another useless question from the hand-book. I presume that you've gone over in your head a thousand times what triggered your present condition, if you'd like to share that with me we have a starting point, the rest of your life story you can keep to yourself, unless you think that it is relevant to now." This was someone that I could like, and that got me looking at her and what I saw interested me. She would have been a few years younger than me and was neatly, but not expensively dressed, wore little if any make-up, and her hair appeared devoid of chemical manipulation, in other words the colour appeared natural. My memory of following her down the passageway was still fresh in my mind and did nothing to dissuade me that she was a very decorative Receptionist and not a Psychologist. Looks can be deceiving. "I guess that the starting point for me was when I missed out on a promotion to a 'brown nose', someone who spent more time sucking up to the boss than actually working. This was a blow to my self-confidence, not a major blow, but enough to start me doubting myself. Then this wonderful person goes behind my back and hits on my wife. She now lives with him, something that he continually rubs my nose in." "I can see how that would piss you off." 'Piss me off'? This is definitely not Psych-speak. "Are you sure that you're a Psychologist? I would bet major body parts that I would not find 'Piss off' in the index or even the glossary of terms of any Psych text book." "Just as you'd never find a silver spoon in my mouth, very much a working class girl I am, I believe in calling a spade a fucking shovel." My third look at her revealed a new facet to her; her finger nails were short, oh they had nail polish on them, but they were not talons like Heather wore, and I bet if I scraped under them I'd find some dirt. "From what I've seen of you so far I would never pick you for a Psychologist, you don't look the part, your don't act the part, and you certainly don't speak the part." "Do you always try to compartmentalise people?" "Only when they don't seem to fit into the stereotype, whatever made you take up Psychology?" "If you keep asking the questions I'll get the feeling that you'll bill me at the end of our time together." "Touché, I'll stop asking questions now, shall I?" "Good, so the world as you not it came crashing down around your ears and you haven't been able to climb out of the hole it left you in. Are you having trouble sleeping?" "Sleeping, what's that?" "Are you taking anything to help you?" "No, I don't believe in those sorts of drugs, I hear that they're very addictive and hard to kick." "They're pretty much a last resort think as far as I'm concerned. Have you tried anything?" "I've tried reading until I get sleepy, the problem with that is when I reach the point of going to sleep the book hits the floor and wakes me up" "There's something that you could try, it worked for me. I want you to make yourself a hot milk drink, I add a spoonful of a mixture of honey and malt extract, drink that and go to bed. The other thing I do is to turn on my IPod and listen to soothing music, I put mine on sleep mode so that it turns itself off after forty-five minutes, and I can't remember the last time I heard it click off. I think you'll find getting a good night's sleep will help your outlook on life." "You sound like you're speaking from experience." "You could say that, I've been there and done that. I thought that I was coping on two hours sleep a night, but I wasn't and it took a major jolt to get me to realise that. That was what led me to my solution. It may work for you. And one more thing, drinking alcohol to try to get to sleep is just plain stupid, The quantity needed for temporary oblivion will leave you with a massive hangover the next morning, (Tell me something I don't already know) and smaller quantities will leave you dehydrated and needing a drink of water badly enough in the early hours to wake you up." "That's well and good, but what I need to get over this is to either find another job, which I don't really want to do because it used to be a good job, or to find some way that I didn't have to put up with the constant rubbing of my nose in it by 'Slimy Bastard'." "What sort of things does he do?" I told her the one about 'Hamlet', she wrote something on the pad she had on her knees. "Last month, now that he's my boss, he had to do a performance appraisal on me. Not to put too fine a point on it, the whole report was negative and what made it worse was that everything he wrote was partly true." "What do you mean?" "Taken in the context of the actual situation is was so very wrong, but then he didn't write it in that context, so what he wrote was correct but the context was wrong. I refused to sign it. I was called into the big boss's office to explain why I refused to sign. I didn't want to say that it never happened the way that it was presented so I told him that for that appraisal to have any validity, the incidents would have been discussed with me by my Supervisor and be accompanied by the result of that discussion. If I had rectified the situation then a positive mention should have been included on the report. Similarly, if I had made no attempt to rectify the situation, a negative mention should have been in the report. The fact that this was the first that I knew of these incidents invalidates the whole report. That is why I refused to sign." "Good for you. You highlighted the fact that he did not follow appraisal report writing protocol. What happened next? " "That was when I was referred to my first Psych, because he convinced the boss that the reason he hadn't discussed these problems with me before the report because he thought that it would make me angry and adversely affect my work performance, and that I needed some assistance in behavioural modification. He was asked to arrange for me to see a Psychologist. I got the impression that they were friends." "What makes you say that?" "It was his approach to the first session, he seemed to have been working on the supposition that I was a total nut case, and while I might have been on first name terms with the carpet beetles, I refused to go along with his questions that were designed to reinforce that supposition. I didn't play ball so he gave up. I think that he used the word 'recalcitrant'." She looked at my file and circled a word. For once in a long time I was beginning to see that life wasn't all doom and gloom, that there was a light at the end of my particular tunnel. "I don't blame you for feeling depressed and the only way that you can drag yourself out of that depression is to come to the realisation that, while the actions of others can impact negatively on you, you have the power to overcome that negativity. It is up to you to channel that power. Now, who is the person that has the most negative impact, is it 'Slimy Bastard'?" "Yes." "Okay, what can you tell me about him and how he operates?" "When he first started with the company, he went out of the way to ingratiate himself with the bosses, whenever we went for drinks after work he was in first to buy their drinks for them, he found out when their birthdays were and sent them cards separate from the card that we all signed, the same went for Christmas. He volunteered to take on additional work but didn't do it himself, he delegated the work to others, but took full credit for the outcome." "Didn't the others complain?" "He told them that, as he was the nominal team leader he would get the kudos from the bosses, but he and they knew that they were all a part of a team and that it was shared kudos." "He's clever, I'll give him that. Apart from the performance appraisal, has he done anything else to impact on your performance?" "Only the usual, he is highly critical of every minor mistake and does not give credit for anything done correctly, I have even thought of giving him a magnifying glass whenever I have to give him completed work." "That would not be a good idea. What about his self-confidence, how does that stand up to criticism?" "Well, he wasn't happy about my refusal to sign the performance appraisal because that, for a short time, impacted negatively on him. Once he found the excuse he was okay, but he didn't let me forget that I stood up to him." "So, if something happened that would undermine his self-confidence, what do you think will happen to him?" "I don't know. He'd probably lose the plot." "That gives me an idea. It isn't entirely ethical, but that's not a problem that can't be overcome. What I want you to do is, when you get back to work, I want you to behave as if you are on top of the world, can you do that?" "It might be a stretch, but yes, I think I can pull it off. What do you have in mind?" "We, you and I, are going to play mind games with him. After you get back to work you will get a phone call from me, when you answer the phone you are to mention my name so that the people around you know that it's me on the line. I will invite you to dinner tonight. Now I want you to follow my lead and when you hang up, you are to smile broadly and write the time and place on a pad or something. When you go for afternoon tea make sure that the message is easily read by the right people, and that means him." "We aren't really going to dinner are we?" ""You are but I'm not. You will be meeting my sister, she looks close enough to me to fool the casual onlooker, and you will have at least one. If it's not 'Slimy Bastard' himself it will be someone that he's hired to follow you. Now Miriam will be very friendly but not too friendly, she will smile a lot and touch your hand when she speaks to you and laugh convincingly at your feeble jokes." She caught the look on my face when she said that. "At the end of the meal she will invite you back to her place. Don't get any ideas because we share and I'll be there. Going on what you've told me, he will waste no time in going to your boss and our Ethical Standards Board with the accusation that we are having a relationship that will invalidate any report that I write on you." "Why are you taking this chance?" "Because I've dealt with people like him in the past, and the only way to get at them is to work on their self-confidence, once that is shot they collapse in a screaming heap. Complaining to the boss is near enough to useless, getting him to shoot himself in the foot is the only way." "Back to my last question, why are you taking this chance?" "Because Adrian, you are a good man who is in the middle of a fucking awful situation, and I'm helping you to get out of it. Please don't read any more to this than that, at the moment." I got to work just after eleven and immediately everyone spotted the changes in me, I was smiling for one. "Hi guys, what a great day." The look on his face changed in an instant, when I walked through the door he was smiling, fully expecting me to be little changed, but as soon as he saw my smiling face and heard my greeting he lost his smile. I got stuck straight into the backlog of work that was waiting for me and whisked through it in nothing flat. When lunch time came I turned to Jane at the next desk. "Jane, do you have any plans for lunch?" "No, why?" "I thought that you and I could have lunch together, what do you say?" "I say okay." She had a puzzled look on her face that turned into a smile. We both got up from our desks and left. "I haven't seen you this happy for ages, what's happened to change you?" "Oh, it's the new Psychologist that I saw this morning, she was good, really good, I like her." "Apart from liking her, she must have done something to bring about this change." "She got me thinking about my situation and I realised that the only person who could change that is me, and to do that I have to start thinking positively. That's what I've decided to do." "So I'm part of your therapy, is that it?" "No. Well not entirely no, but we have always got on reasonably well, you seemed to care that I wasn't feeling a hundred percent, although there wasn't much that you or anyone else could have done about that, but you never looked down on me because of it, so in honour of that I thought that I'd invite you to lunch, I don't know what I would have done if you'd said no." "I wouldn't have said that. I do care about you, you've gotten a raw deal and I can see how that has affected you, and you're right, I didn't know what I could do to help you, if anything." It was just two workmates having lunch together, two workmates that liked each other, but there was nothing more to it than that. No sooner had we got back to work than 'Slimy Bastard' called Jane into the meeting room. "What's going on with him? Did he say anything to you about his visit to the Psych this morning?" "No, we just talked about work things, but something must have happened, he seems rather taken with her." "Her?" "Yes, his new Psych is a woman, he said that he liked her and, while he said nothing more than that, I think that there might be something more to it than that." When she sat down at her desk I looked at her. "Yes?" "Yes." He had asked exactly what we had discussed and she had answered exactly as we had discussed. The seeds have been sown. A View from the Bottom Just before two thirty I got a phone call. "Montgomery Little, Adrian Street speaking. Oh Doctor Browning, don't tell me that I left something in your office this morning, I thought that I'd checked everything before I left." "Very good, now do you have a pen and paper handy?" She said. "Yes." "I want you to be at 'la Maison' at seven thirty, have you got that?" "'la Maison', seven thirty, yes I've got that, I don't know whether I can afford that." "Don't lay it on too thick, look out for someone who looks a bit like me, the Maitre 'D' will point her out and I'm paying so don't go overboard, and don't get too friendly, okay?" "Sure thing, I look forward to seeing you then, 'bye." "Was that your shrink?" Jane asked. "Yes, I've been invited to dinner." (You'll notice that I said that I'd been invited to dinner, I didn't say that she'd actually be there.) "At 'la Maison' I heard, isn't this against the rules?" "What rules, there are no rules in this situation." I had this wistful look on my face. I left work full of confidence for a change to drive home. I almost didn't make it, my clunker of a car decided that I'd neglected it for too long and died on me. I looked at all of the gauges and saw that it was just a lack of sustenance, so I rang the auto club and a kind man arrived with a container (you can't call a plastic container a can, can you) of petrol and we managed to get home. I decided to give my car the night off and called a cab, arriving somewhat shaken at 'la Maison' at seven-thirty to be ushered to a table and the waiting Miriam. She stood as I approached and I saw that she looked almost identical to Stephanie (am I allowed to call her that?). "Hi, good to see you." She kissed me on both cheeks and I held her chair for her as she sat down. "Good to see you. I presume Doctor Browning has told you what's happening tonight?" "Call her Stephanie, no-one that knows her calls her 'Doctor'. Yes she's told me all about it. Don't turn around but there's a guy sitting a couple of tables behind you trying to look inconspicuous with a little digital camera in his hand. I'd say that he's watching every move we make, so we'd better make it worth his while." She reached across the table and put her hand on mine. I made no attempt to extricate it. The hovering waiter stepped over and ceased hovering beside our table so we ordered. I tried not to spend too much but Miriam had no such qualms and ordered up big, and before I had a chance to select a modest wine she'd ordered one from the top shelf. Thankfully it was an excellent vintage. The meal was superb and the conversation was very friendly, at times I thought that it was too friendly but Miriam seemed to know what she was doing. I signalled for the waiter and asked for the bill. When he came back with my credit card and receipt I said to him. "The Maitre 'D' doesn't seem to be terribly busy right now, would you ask him to call us a cab?" "Certainly Sir." He said with a smug look on his face. The Maitre 'D' looked sharply at me when the request was relayed by the waiter, but complied anyway. I had my arm around Miriam as we left the restaurant and I slipped him a rock lobster ($20 note, because it's colour is like a cooked lobster) and that brought the smile back to his face. I opened the cab door and Miriam slid in and I walked around to the other side and got in myself. A photo of us sitting close together and kissing would be added to the growing dossier of our indiscreet meeting. "Well, how did it go?" Stephanie asked as we walked through the door that she had open for us before we got to it. "Perfectly. Adrian was suitably charming and attentive." "Not too attentive I hope?" "Don't tell me that big sister is jealous." "Of course not, well maybe just a little, it was the restaurant and the food that I'm jealous of, not you and Adrian." She added quickly. "It was very nice, and Miriam played her role just right." "Now we can't have you going home straight away, so what can we do for the next hour or so?" Stephanie asked. "I don't know about you two, but I'm going to bed, I have to get up at some ungodly hour in the morning. See ya." "Where does she work?" "She's cabin crew for an airline, I won't mention which one." "What if, when this hits the fan I'm asked where I met her?" "We'll face that when and if the time comes, in the mean time would you like a coffee?" "Sure, thank you." "Don't thank me, come and help." We went into her kitchen where I was confronted by an espresso machine. "I don't have a pilots' licence for one of these." "Not a problem, just place a couple of cups under the spout and press that button, while that's happening I'll rustle up some nibbles." We sat in the kitchen and sipped coffee and nibbled, chatting in between mouthfuls. I was feeling relaxed and comfortable with Stephanie. "We didn't make our next appointment before I left this morning, when do you want to see me again?" "Ring me in the morning so I can check me schedule. Or else, we can see each other tomorrow night and arrange it then." "Very tempting I must admit, but don't you think that we should keep it on the straight and narrow, at least for the time being?" "Spoilsport. Of course you're right. Ring me tomorrow, there may even be developments on the work front." "Probably, once he's got his teeth into this he's going to gnaw away at it until I'm stripped of any remaining dignity I have left. I can see him now, 'shagging the shrink, have you no shame?' "But you haven't, have you, you don't have to lie." We chatted for a while longer then I called a cab to take me home to my suddenly even lonelier bed. The next morning brought the expected drama in large doses. "Adrian, a word please." The boss issued his invitation for me to attend the meeting in his office. "When I send you to see a Psychologist, it is to get you back as a productive staff member, and now I find that you have begun a relationship with her." "Where did you get this bunch of lies?" I was on the attack immediately. "Someone brought it to James' attention that you had dinner with her last night and took her home and spent several hours with her. Do you deny that happened?" "Yes, I emphatically deny these scurrilous allegations." He took a folder from his drawer and spread it open on the desk. Whoever took the shots was an expert, they were good, and clear, and damning out of context. "What do you say to these?" "I say that someone is trying to damage my reputation in this company, and not for the first time I might add." "So you deny that this is Doctor Browning that you are having an intimate dinner with last night?" "Yes." "Do you also deny receiving a phone call from her yesterday afternoon in which she invited you to dinner, and rather than doing the right thing by keeping your relationship on a professional basis you accepted that invitation?" "Yes. Have you quite finished with these false allegations?" "Yes." "Then let me tell you exactly what happened. While I was at my session with Doctor Browning yesterday, I realised that there was something very familiar about her, so I asked her if she had a sister that was a cabin crew for an airline. It turned out that she had." "How do you know my sister?" "She was crew on a flight that I had about eighteen months ago and I remember her because not only was she the best looking of a pretty good looking crew, but she had the best personality of all of them. I complimented her as I left the plane and I later saw her as she was leaving. She smiled at me and I smiled back, and there seemed to have been a connection that I was unable to follow up on, what with me being happily married at the time. I have to admit that over the past few months her face keeps bobbing up in my dreams." "Would you like to meet her?" "What, when?" "Tonight, she's flying in this afternoon and is staying with me tonight, she flies out in the morning at some disgusting hour. She's based in Sydney but whenever she has a stop-over here, she stays with me." "I'd like to catch up with her, if that's alright with her." "She'll ring when she gets in and I can put it to her, if she's agreeable I'll ring you with the arrangements." "And that's exactly what happened, she called me and arranged for me to meet her sister Miriam, at 'la Maison' at seven-thirty and we had a very pleasant evening, and I defy anyone to prove otherwise." "I'll accept your word on this. Thank you for being so frank with me." I walked to my desk. Jane looked at me and whispered, "Someone's gunning for you, he's been shooting his mouth off that you've been seen having it off with your new Psychologist. Be careful." "As usual he's got it all cocked up and I feel like confronting him with this. How many people has he told?" "We've all heard it several times." "Right, that's it." I got up and went back into the boss' office and requested an immediate staff meeting. We all met in the meeting room. "I'm sorry to have to call you together like this, but word has reached me that someone in this office has been spreading rumours about me and my new Psychologist. I would like to set the record straight. "Yes I did see a new Psychologist yesterday, I won't deny that. Yes I did take a woman to dinner last night, I don't deny that, and yes I did spend some time with her after dinner, I do not deny that this happened. What I do deny is that the woman that I took to dinner was Doctor Browning." I looked directly at James when I said that. "The woman was in fact Doctor Browning's sister Miriam, who works for an airline as cabin crew, and who just happened to be on a stop-over here last night. I have met her before, and I asked Doctor Browning to speak with her when she arrived here yesterday afternoon, and see if she would be willing to have dinner with me. I'm happy to say that she did, and we had a splendid evening together, and will probably do the same again the next time that she's in town. Now, the rumours that have been circulating implied some wrong-doing on my part. This is patently untrue, so I have decided to contact my lawyer and press charges of libel against the person who started that rumour. James you will hear from my lawyer very soon. Thank you all for your time." As we filed out of the room I heard the boss invite James to visit him in his office. Part one of the plan completed. Stephanie rang late in the morning to confirm my next appointment for nine o'clock the following Tuesday. I didn't see her until then although we spoke often at night. Part two of the plan commenced almost immediately. A student friend of Stephanie's contacted the boss to request permission to conduct a survey as part of her Doctoral Thesis. She was researching the correlation between the work environment and home lives of staff. She emailed a copy of the questionnaire for approval, which was given. At the next staff meeting the following morning, she presented her questionnaire. "I have to emphasise that for this questionnaire to be effective you will all have to be totally honest in your answers. You will notice that you are not required to enter your name or identify yourself in any way, so that your privacy is preserved. The information that I gather from this is designed to gain a general picture of life in the workplace and how it impacts on your private lives, even the little things like how does working overtime affect you relationship with your family, and questions like that. The results will be collated into general information graphs only, no individual information will be included. I thank you for your participation and if you could take the time now to complete the forms I'd appreciate that." We all sat around completing the questionnaire and I have to admit that they were cleverly put together, especially the one about being delegated work that someone else was supposed to be doing, the way that the delegation was made, and the way that the outcomes were seen by management. I hoped that the point of these questions was not lost on him. She gathered them all together and placed them in a folder. She cast a quick glance at me and sort of half smiled before she left. We went back to work. The day passed much like any other day except that more of the staff were speaking to me, a point not lost by 'Slimy Bastard', it was affecting his confidence. Things were getting a little strained on the work front, James was becoming short tempered and hyper critical, blasting staff for miniscule infractions that would normally be glossed over as inconsequential. It got to the point where on Friday afternoon I confronted him and told him to get a grip because he was affecting the whole staff with his attitude. He stormed out and spent the rest of the afternoon in the lunch room ignoring any and all of us. I had a surprise visitor on Saturday afternoon. I answered the doorbell to see Heather standing on my doorstep. "Hi." I said politely. "Hello Adrian, can I come in?" "Sure, what's the problem, you and James haven't had a fight have you?" I could see from her reaction that they had, that and the bruise barely showing under her heavier than usual make-up. "Oh Adrian, darling, I don't know what's got into him these past few days. He's been so irritable all of the time and critical of everything that I do, and then on Thursday we had a blazing row and he called me all sorts of disgusting names and told me that he could see why you were so happy when I left you. You weren't happy, were you?" "No I wasn't, I was devastated to put it mildly." "I'm sorry for what I've done to you, will you ever forgive me?" "Yes, you're forgiven." I had a pretty good idea what was about to happen next. "Do you have any feeling for me, please tell me that you don't hate me." "I don't hate you, I'll never hate you." "I don't suppose that. . ." I didn't let her finish. "Listen to me Heather, I still have feelings for you, and if I'm honest there was a time when I would have said to you that all is forgiven and please come back, but not now, it's because I have doubts that I could ever trust you not to do it again that I can't take you back. I've moved on from that and am looking to a future in which you have no part. I'm sorry but that's the way I feel right now." "And there's not possibility of you changing your mind?" "No, no there's not." "Does your new Psychologist have something to do with this?" "What do you mean? Don't tell me that James told you that there was something between me and Doctor Browning?" "He might have mentioned something about that." "This could be part of his change in attitude. He went to the boss with the same allegations, and I was able to deny any wrong-doing on my part, I even told him that I would be suing him for libel." "So it's not true?" "No, my relationship with her is strictly professional (up to now)." "What am I going to do, I can't go home, I just can't face him again in his present condition. Do you know what he did last night?" "No." "He went to the pub and got very drunk, it seems that he got into a fight and did considerable damage, he glassed someone (Glassing is when a glass or bottle is broken and jabbed into someone's face, it can lead to permanent disfigurement and loss of sight. Those guilty are severely punished)and is locked up. There's a hearing on Monday, so he may be late for work." "If he glassed someone, he may be in for a while." "Please Adrian, can I stay here with you tonight? I promise that I won't get in your way." "I suppose so, you can have our old bed, I'll take the spare." "No, I don't want to put you out, I'll take the spare bed." "If you insist, I'm okay with that." She went out to her car, our former good car, to collect some things. "I see that you've still got that old clunker." "Yeah, one of these days I might upgrade to a new clunker." I fed her a frozen pizza and we and a glass of red to go with it, and we talked. "Life with James seems to have been going downhill for some time, it was almost as soon as I moved in with him that he began to lose interest in me (Stephanie predicted that would happen, once he'd won the prize he'd lose interested in it.) I can't seem to arouse him anymore and he blames me for that. I can't remember the last time that we had satisfactory sex, I can't remember the last time that I had an orgasm, with you it was just about every time we made love, but with him it was rare and getting rarer by the day until I was dreading the contact with him. The past few days I've been sleeping in another room. (That would do his self-confidence the world of good) "I can remember the last time that I had an orgasm, it was the last time that we made love." "You've had no-one since then? You haven't even, you know?" "Do you mean jerked off? No, not even that." "Oh Darling, I've really hurt you, haven't I?" "Yes you have, but I forgive you for that and I'm just about over it." She was just about to suggest that we should maybe try sex if only to relieve my tension. "I know what you're thinking and, flattering as that might be, no, I can't do it." "Do you have, have you had, any lady friends?" "No, there has been no-one and there is no-one. I am not in any condition to contemplate even trying to find a woman that I can have a relationship with, so I'm not going to try." "I never realised the hurt that I could have caused you when I left, I was convinced that James loved me and that we could make a happy life together, but I've come to realise now that the only person that he ever loved was himself and that there's no room in his life for me or any other person. Please Adrian, I need to be held for a few minutes." What was I to do? I took her in my arms and held her, held her while she sobbed her heart out. I was even tempted to kiss her but my mind told me that this would be a very stupid move. I pushed her gently from my tear soaked chest. "What you need right now is a nice warm milk drink and off to bed." "Milk? Since when have you been drinking milk?" "It's a part of the treatment that Doctor Browning has me on to try and get a good night's sleep, and improve my mental outlook. It seems to be working." "Oh, I supposed it's worth a try." I made up a mug of hot milk with honey and malt extract, and we sat at the kitchen table and drank them. Then we went off to our separate beds. I had just got into bed when my mobile rang. "Hi Steph." "She's there isn't she?" "Are you psychic or what? Yes she's here, crying and begging for forgiveness, I've sent her to bed, she's a mess and James hasn't helped at all. I'm beginning to feel a little guilty and responsible for his present situation, you see he's been involved in a pub brawl and glassed someone. He's in the remand centre right now." "Adrian, listen to me, you are not responsible for him or his predicament, he brought that on himself by his actions toward you. It was only a matter of time before this happened, all you've done was to set this in motion, and why did you do that? To save your own arse. It was a matter of self defence, self preservation, you didn't start this whole mess, he did. It was him who self promoted himself to gain a position that he was not ready for, would never be ready for. Have you ever heard of the 'Peter Principle'?" "No, what is that?" "It's the principle where people are promoted to reach their level of incompetence. He had reached that point and you were doing yourself, your boss, and possibly even James a favour by highlighting that situation." "Changing the subject, when am I going to see you again?" "You know the rules, not while you're my patient." A View from the Bottom "Oh." "But then, you're not going to be my patient forever, are you?" "How long do you think it will be?" "Not long, not long at all." "I'll see you Tuesday then." "Don't get upset, look, I'll call you tomorrow to see how things are going with the ex, and if I sound a little uneasy, let me tell you that I am, and maybe just a little jealous." "You've no need to be, good night." Things were looking up for me, I have this amazing Psychologist who, it is quite possible, can walk on water, and may even be able to fix my old clunker so that I don't have to replace if just yet. She has certainly worked wonders for me by thinking outside the psychological square to get to the root cause of my problems and come up with a solution that seems to be working. On top of all that, if I'm not mis-interpreting the way things are going, has just suggested that I could be in with a chance with her. With this thought bringing a smile to my face, I drifted off to sleep. I was having a marvellous dream in which Stephanie and I were in bed together and she was reaching for my cock. That was until I realised that it couldn't be her and that it was Heather that was reaching for him. I took her hand and moved it away from me. "Don't." "Please." "No." "Adrian, darling, please, I need you." "No." This was followed by tears. "Crying won't work, I'm sorry but it just won't happen." "It was her wasn't it?" "Her who?" "Her, your Psychologist her, Doctor Browning, you were talking to her weren't you, a little while ago I heard your phone ring and you were talking to someone. It was her, wasn't it?" "If you must know, yes it was. The last time I spoke with her she said that you might turn up begging for forgiveness because you'd realised that James wasn't the man you thought he was. She was checking to see if she was right, that's all." "I can see it now, the two of you laughing at my expense, poor predictable me, running back to good old reliable Adrian and begging him to take me back, hoping that he will allow the damage that I'd caused to be repaired, so that we could get our marriage back on track. I'll get out of your hair." She went to get out of bed. "No, stay if you must, I can't have you out on the streets with nowhere to go. You could always go back home." "No, I don't think that I could handle being in that house all alone." She stopped and I sensed her looking at me. "Oh god, how you must have hated me for leaving you alone in this house that had been our home, in this bed alone with your thoughts. I can understand why you became depressed and I can now understand your reluctance to have anything more to do with me. Adrian, I know that I still love you, but I can understand your feelings toward me, so in the morning I'll get out of your hair for good." "We can still be friends, I can't see you go through what I've been through, you can come and cry on my shoulder when things get too tough for you, but we cannot live together and I won't allow you to prostitute yourself to get back with me. Who knows, James might just snap out of this and become a better person because of it." "Huh, that's not likely, I know him pretty well now and one thing that's certain is that he will blame everyone else for this, it will never be his fault. Most of all he'll blame you, I want you to promise me that you will be very careful" "I promise, now can we get to sleep." I woke to find her gone. My first thoughts were that she'd gone home until I heard her in the kitchen rattling around with pots and pans. I got out of bed and walked (not staggered as usual) into the kitchen to find breakfast well under way. "I was going to bring it in to you and surprise you but, seeing as you're up, how about making coffee?" "Sure thing. Where did all of this come from?" I asked pointing to what was cooking. "Well you didn't have any proper breakfast things so I had to improvise" "Breakfast is usually coffee for me." "Today will be different, today you are having pancakes to go with your coffee." "Yummo, I can't wait." "Don't be so sarcastic, I can cook, or had you forgotten that?" "I hadn't forgotten, sorry." "After breakfast I've decided that I'll have to find somewhere else to live, maybe one of those Women's Shelters." "Don't be silly, and I'm not falling for your 'poor helpless little me' routine it won't work." "You can't blame a girl for trying." "If you can't face going back to his place you can always check into a hotel until you see how the land lies." "I suppose that's what I'll do now that my cruel husband has tossed me out on the streets into the blizzard." "We don't have blizzards here and I'm not tossing you out, you walked out remember?" "That's right, rub it in." She looked on the verge of tears again. "You don't give up, do you?" "I'll have to, won't I, you're not going to budge." "No I'm not, and all the tears in the world will not move me to give in." She left after breakfast and I was alone again, but this time it didn't feel like it had in the past. While I was alone I didn't feel lonely, I felt Stephanie was with me, not physically with me but spiritually she was there beside me. Then a thought struck me, what if she didn't want a relationship with me, never intended to have a relationship with me. I was sitting on the edge of the well just about to fall in when my brain kicked in. It wouldn't be the end of the world as I knew it if it didn't work out as I'd dreamed, there were other women in this world, Heather for instance, she'd jump at the chance. (Shut the fuck up brain.) Maybe Jane at work, she was nice, but then I know nothing about her, or her private life. I was just about to push myself over the edge and into the well when the phone rang. It was Stephanie. "Hi." "You don't sound so good, is she still there?" "No, she's gone to look for somewhere to stay." "So you didn't fall for it, good for you." "No I resisted the temptation, but that brings me to another problem." "And what might that be?" "What gave me the strength to resist her was you, not you as a Psychologist, although that helped, but you as a person. I know that we have this Doctor/patient relationship that prohibits anything more than that, but I feel that there is more already. Then, after she'd gone I thought, what if I'm wrong about this, about us, where will that leave me. I need to see you, to speak with you, and settle this. I'm not asking for an immediate resolution, just an indication of the possibilities. Can I come and see you?" "Okay, if you can coax that heap of crap that you drive into life come on over." "Thank you." For once in its life the so called heap of crap didn't let me down and I was soon knocking on her door. "Come in," She stepped aside to let me in. Once inside she put her hand on my arm. I stopped and turned to her. "Adrian, I want to get this straight upfront, nothing is going to happen today, we are just going to talk, okay?" "Sure." "Good, now that we've got that straightened out, take a seat." She sat on the sofa and patted the space beside her. "You have just about reached the point where I will no longer have to see you, but the next few days are going to be crucial, if you survive them unscathed then I will be more than happy to sign off on your treatment." "Thank you, that is very pleasing to me." "Like I said, the next few days will be crucial. On Monday you will probably be asked to take over James' position on a temporary basis, at least until your boss has a chance to assess the situation. Now James will not be at work first thing but I assume that he will be released on bail sometime during the day. He will undoubtedly go straight home and find Heather not there, and putting two and two together will come up with you. He will head straight to work and that is where I predict the trouble will take place." "What if I tell the boss that I'll do the work but not assume the position until the dust settles?" "Good idea but for one thing, I doubt that James will accept that. His mind will have already been made up and that's the way that he'll see it. How you react will be crucial and that will depend on how he acts. Do you feel strong enough to handle the situation?" "Yes I do. A week ago I would have shat myself, but now I think that I can handle him and anything he throws at me." "The other thing that will happen on Monday morning is that your boss will have a copy of the results of the survey that my colleague carried out. Among other things it tells him that your fellow workers all think that he chose the wrong person for that promotion. I think that will probably give him the justification that he's been waiting for. I have a feeling that James will not have a job for very long." "I hate to think how he's going to take that." "Probably worse than you took the rejection, surprisingly enough you took it reasonably well, considering." "So falling into the depths of depression was taking it well?" "I didn't say that it was perfect, but it was better than a lot of reactions that I've had to deal with. You are a strong man when you stop thinking negative thoughts. Now there's one more thing I have to do before I shove you out the door." "And what might that be?" "Something to give you additional strength for the days ahead." She took my head in her hands and kissed me. It was long and as passionate a kiss as I'd ever experienced, and I was just about to react when she withdrew her lips. "That will have to do you for the time being, but let me tell you, the way that I'm feeling right now, I wouldn't be surprised if, on Monday night I repeated the dose, and more. Now get out of here before I give in to my carnal urges and do something that could get me disbarred from practicing as Psychologist." I got out and spent the rest of Saturday, and all of Sunday on cloud nine. The prospect of Monday night loomed large in my dreams on both nights and for the first time I actually masturbated. Monday brought with it anticipation and fear. I was called in to the boss' office first thing and told that I would be taking over the job that I should have got in the first place. "No, I won't do that, I'll do the work but I don't think that it would be right for me to take of the position permanently until the outstanding matters are resolved." "I have the results of that survey and it confirms a decision that I'd already made but not acted upon, to fire him. I fully intend to do that when he gets to work, whenever that will be. I suppose that you've heard what he did on Friday night?" "Yes." "That has confirmed that he's not the person that I want working here." "I understand, but can you wait before formalising your decision?" "Yes. You amaze me, I know that there's no love lost between the two of you and I can fully understand that you don't like the guy, but any normal person would jump at the chance to sink the slipper while he's on the ground." "I've been tempted, believe me, but It's not in my nature to do that." I went back to work. "What's happening?" Jane asked as I sat at my desk. "Nothing at the moment." "I suppose that you've heard about James?" "Of course, we've just been discussing that very thing." "So?" "Nothing for the time being, but we shall see." I said. It was just after morning tea when it hit the fan. "Where is she?" He yelled at me from the front door. "If you're talking about Heather, I honestly don't know." "Don't lie to me, I know that she's been to see you to see if she can patch things up with you, so don't tell me that you don't know where she is." One trick that I've learned and that is, when someone is screaming at you, you don't scream back at them. "You are right," I said in my best cool and calm, and soft voice. "She did come to see me and we had a long talk, the upshot of which is that she left to find a safe place to live. I wouldn't let her stay with me." The effect of this was that he had to stop yelling and actually listen closely to hear what I had to say. "You sent her away, I don't believe you." "It's true, I think that she was going to look for a nice quiet hotel, but I have no idea which, if any she has chosen, so I can't help you I'm afraid." It was then that the boss called him into the office. I stood and walked over and stood just outside the door. It wasn't long before he had absorbed the news and exploded. "You bastard, you can't do this to me!" "I can and I have, you are to clear your desk as quickly as you can and leave the premises." I cringed at the boss' timing and I had my hand on the door knob as he lunged across the boss' desk. I opened the door and rushed over and grabbed him by the collar. "James, just calm down and let's not do anything rash that you'll regret. Come with me." I pulled him to his feet and led him to the lunch room. "Sit down and let me get you a coffee." He couldn't believe how in control I seemed, I hadn't flinched at his outburst and I'd calmly walked into the office and eased him out of it, and now I was making him coffee. I handed him his coffee and sat down across the table from him (I wasn't stupid, I was putting as much distance as I could between us). "James, I had a long talk to Heather and she has been worried about you for some time. She said that there's been something on your mind, but that you wouldn't share it with her, she began to feel left out of your life. She's afraid of you over your behaviour over the past week or so, and I can understand her fear, I've been afraid of you, she needs you, but she needs to feel that you want her. It's up to you, if you want her, and believe me, you couldn't want for anyone better, then go to her and talk to her and help her repair the damage to your relationship. When the time comes, and it's not so far away, for her to be able to file for divorce, I won't oppose it and we can negotiate a settlement that is fair to both of us. Having said that, if you don't want to continue your relationship, you should make a clean break of it and let her pick up what's left of her life and get on with it." "Why are you being so good to me?" "Who would gain from me being angry? I sure as hell wouldn't, and I'm sure that you wouldn't. Anger gets you nowhere. It might feel good at the time but down the track it can jump up and bite you. Now I've got to get back to work, you're welcome to stay here for a little while if you'd like." I left him sitting there looking at his coffee cup to see if there was any more in it. As I sat down again the boss came out of his office. "Adrian." I held my finger to my lips and shook my head, telling him to hold off on what he had to say. About twenty minutes later a chastened James came out of the lunch room, and cleared his desk. He carried his stuff in a box over to the boss' office. "I'll be going, you know where to send my salary and entitlements." With that he left. This time I went to the office when summoned. "Sit down won't you." I sat. He had a folder open on his desk, it was my psych evaluation. "I have been reading this and I have to admit that I'm amazed at the turnaround in your attitude over the past week. I can only put it down to Doctor Browning, she seems to have gotten straight to the root of your problem and come up with a solution that has worked. In fact she has recommended that you be given the position that even I admit that you should have got in the first place, she even goes so far as to recommend that we pay you the difference in salary from that time to now, seeing as you were doing the work anyway. Actually she didn't say that, the staff did, so you will receive that money in your next pay packet. She has signed off on your treatment, as far as she's concerned you do not need to see her again. She has nothing but good things to say about you, so much so that I've even thought that the two of you might be more than Doctor/patient." "No, that is not the case, we have kept a professional distance, although that's not to say that I won't pursue a closer relationship in the future." "If she's as good as the results she's achieved here, I would encourage you to go for it." He was smiling so I didn't know whether he was serious or being sarcastic. "Move your things to James' desk and start your new job. Good luck." "I'm not moving my stuff, I was able to do the job quite satisfactorily from my present desk, it's in close touch with those who work with me, and I don't want to distance myself from my fellow workers." "As you wish, don't let me stop you." "Well, did you get the job?" Jane asked as I sat down. "Yes, I did." "Do you need a hand moving your things?" "No, I'm staying right here." My phone rang just before the end of the day. "Montgomery Little, Adrian speaking." "Stephanie Browning calling, I have a request to make." "Yes, and what might that be?" I knew what I hoped that it would be. "I hereby request the presence of your good self at 'la Maison' at seven thirty this evening. Then following dinner we will adjourn to my home where I will proceed to entertain you in a romantic fashion." "This sound all so very formal." "Do you decline on that basis?" "No, I accept on that basis, but I can't be expected to remain formal for the entire evening." "I bloody well hope not, 'bye Darling, I'll see you at seven thirty." "You've got a smug look on your face, do you have a date?" Jane asked. "Yes." "Anyone I know?" "It's definitely not my wife." The evening went pretty much as I'd expected, the night that followed went pretty much as I'd hoped. I won't bore you with the finer details of our sexual/romantic endeavours, suffice it to say that I called in sick the next day, hey, I was exhausted and suffering from an acute lack of sleep. Stephanie had already left a message on her phone and a note on her door advising current and potential clients that she was unavailable for consultation on that day. I can tell you this, looking from the top of the well down to the depths of depression is much better than view from the bottom looking up. I don't ever want to be down there again.