26 comments/ 60368 views/ 38 favorites Met His Old Lover By: Dinsmore This story was edited by "Crazysoundguy". In 1981 Dan Fogelberg wrote and later recorded a song included on the album, "Innocent Age" called, "Same Old Lang Syne". I recall hearing it possibly for the first time while driving home one evening from a business meeting; I also remember damn near driving off the road and wrecking my car. Still about a hundred miles from home, I pulled off in Gainesville Florida, a college town, begged for a phone book at a gas station and found a record store that was still open. I bought the cassette tape and played that song over and over during the two hours remaining on the Interstate. I cried; I felt regret, anger and even a bit of hopelessness. I was driving home to a dead marriage or at least one that would legally expire within the year. Ten years earlier I had married the wrong woman...the one who was in front of me not the one I would have had to work for...search for...earn. I had two young children; the divorce would be messy and painful and the pain and estrangement from at least one of those two children would return to haunt me many years later. My life was a mess...I was falling apart. I hated myself for having been young, lazy and stupid and letting my first true love slip away. It was too late. I had tracked her down a year earlier; she was married to an architect and also had two young children. I sent her an innocuous note with pictures of my kids and comments about those "good old days" back in college. Three days after I posted the letter she called me and the first words out of her mouth were, "You didn't wait for me." "I know...I'm sorry." It was all I could say. We chatted about life and where we lived and kids and then brushed up against our current spouses. She had married a good man and a good father; he was successful. She had waited a little longer than I had to walk down the aisle. I got the strong sense that she loved and respected him but wasn't in love with him. I was a little more evasive; I did not want to burden her with my marital issues. A few days later she mailed me pictures of her two girls with a similarly innocuous note. Over the next few years we exchanged Christmas cards---even birthday cards since our birthdays were only a day apart. We talked on the phone a few times and exchanged emails. We even talked aimlessly about meeting some time but we both knew that was not going to happen. It just became too uncomfortable for both of us to keep holding on to something that could never be so after a short while we stopped communicating. We never reconnected; she's still married to the same man. I remarried and couldn't be happier. First loves---those that generally occur sometime after high school---indelibly imprint your heart. That first time as an adult that another human being takes your breath away, addles your brain and turns you into mush...well, you just don't ever forget that and no matter what happens during the rest of your life you find yourself thinking about what might have been. There was a time a few years after my divorce that I was driving on business, far from home and saw the sign for the exit that led to her city. I was planning to stop for the night soon anyway...it had been a long day and even though it was not yet dark I was bushed. It wouldn't really have been that far out of my way...but I didn't. But I like to write fiction so from here on out, let's just assume that I took that exit, having no plan---no idea what I was going to do. Would I drive by her house? Knock on her door? Would I call her and tell her that I was, "in town"? With a little help from Dan Fogelberg's amazing lyrics and my own imagination let's see where this story goes. ****************************** This was just plain stupid. What had he been thinking? She's married with children. The two of you haven't talked in years; it ended, if it ever began, fifteen years ago. He hadn't really had much trouble finding her house...he'd looked it up on the Internet...imagined driving there. It wasn't that big a town; it was a pleasant, upscale suburb comfortably removed from a major city. He drove by the house three times certain that some neighbor had already called the police to report a suspicious car prowling the street. It was a pretty house, older and with far less yard than he would have liked but typical of the area. As he was a few houses away on his third pass and prepared to go find a decent motel for the night and forget this lunacy or simply get back on the Interstate, the front door opened and there she was. He recognized her immediately; they had exchanged pictures before severing ties but it wouldn't have mattered...he would have recognized her. Her hair was a bit lighter...she had been a pure brunette when they had been together. She still couldn't be more than a size four; she walked to the driveway and opened the driver's door of an upscale Volvo. Where were her children? Where was her husband...where was she going? Without thinking he followed her...Christ, he was stalking her! ...my old love...grocery store... It was early spring in the Northeast but he quickly discovered that she was in fact going to a grocery store, a small neighborhood market. He watched her walk into the store; he got out of his car and followed her. He could hear his heart beating...he had no script for what was going to occur. ...in the frozen foods... It turned out to be the fresh produce section; he was standing inches away from her trying to appear interested in artichokes. "Bethany?" ...her eyes flew open... He had aged well, as she had. If anything she was more beautiful than he remembered. Her look went from instant recognition to disbelief and then back to recognition. "Jeffrey?" And then she hugged him...and he hugged her back and they just stood that way for what seemed like a very long time. He felt her soft tears on his neck...she could not miss his on her shoulder...and then they laughed...and then they cried some more. What in the world...?" She implored. He told the truth. He had been driving from one city to another on business. He had seen the turn off for where she lived. He had driven by her house with no plan...no idea what he was doing...and then he had seen her and followed her to the store. She nodded; they walked together as she gathered up assorted food items. took her groceries to the... They walked together back to the parking lot. "Bethany...I'm sorry. I certainly don't want to embarrass you or create an uncomfortable situation. This was probably the silliest, most insane thing I've ever done. I don't know what I was thinking...I really need to just get back on the road and..." "How's your wife? How are those gorgeous children of yours? I knew you had great genes!" Beth said, reminding him of the banter they had once shared. "Ah, my wife is fine, although she's my former wife since a couple of years ago. The kids are with her...they moved...I see them on alternate weekends. And how's everything with your family?" Her face darkened...her eyes grew misty. "Gone in an instant Jeff...almost exactly two years ago...a drunk driver crossed the center divider...head on...my whole family...gone. They were coming home from school..." "Oh my God...I'm so sorry...I had no idea!" "It's not something you ever get over Jeff but I'm better. I needed a little professional help getting through it but I'm okay now. I finally have stopped wearing black." He wanted to hug her hold her...comfort her...but who exactly was he to her...or her to him? He did anyway. "I'm so sorry baby." He said, using a term of endearment that was probably inappropriate. Her countenance brightened. "Come home for dinner! You look exhausted. I've got a guest room...more room than I need...you're welcome to stay... no, I insist! You're obviously too exhausted to drive any more and I wouldn't think of having you stay in a motel." "Are you sure, I..." "Stop being difficult; you're coming home with me." And so he followed her home and helped her carry her groceries inside. It was a far bigger house than it had appeared from the street. It was so completely her; her taste in decorating hadn't changed that much since... "Grab your suitcase...I'll show you to the guestroom...you have your own bath. Go ahead and get changed or cleaned up if you want, I'll put the food away and do a little prep work for dinner. We have a lot of catching up to do. There a decent wine selection in the front hall closet---grab a bottle on your way back." ...a toast to innocence... "To youth...God were we young...so damn young! Youth and innocence." "Youth and innocence." He replied sipping his own wine...unable to stop looking at her...staring at her. She had been drop dead gorgeous at eighteen...the most beautiful woman he had ever met. Now she had the character that comes with age, the intrigue of maturity. The years had been more than good to her. She took his breath away. ...to now... "To the present and the future, whatever it may hold." He said, raising his glass. "Yea, I'll buy that...future...has to be better than the..." She sipped her wine cutting off the final words. "So, ah, how are things with the ex?" "Awful! She's poisoning the kids, they're never ready to go on time...my daughter is having problems in school...her name is...my daughter's name is Beth...Bethany. It's at least civil now. We went back to court and she got her hands slapped by the judge so at least she's playing by the published rules. And you don't need to hear any more of this." "Do you still love her?" "I don't love her...the more vexing issue is whether I ever did...dumb marriage...I was lonely, just back from overseas, she was needy...let's not do this?" ... beyond the emptiness... Emptiness...his life was pretty damn empty. He dearly loved his children...adored them...doted on them and he was losing them. She had lost it all...her entire family in a horrible instant. ...would have liked to say she'd loved the man... "Jeff, I miss my girls terribly...they were my life. I don't know that Bert and I were ever really 'in love'...he was a very good man...good father...a very successful architect...'low maintenance' as they say...a good friend...I miss him, but..." Bethany drowned her words out once again with another sip of wine. "I'm very sorry, Bethany." "Don't be, Jeff. We weren't remotely unhappy and our lives revolved around the kids...we just were never...oh hell, I don't know...ecstatic?" ... the years had been a friend to her... "You look great Bethany...even better than I remember." "You don't look so bad yourself, old man. Thirty seems like so long ago and now forty is just around the corner...for both of us." It was at that moment as they both grew silent that the words---words he had long ago committed to memory---came back to him. "So what exactly are you doing now? I didn't miss the designer suit you were wearing; I assume you're doing well?" "I work for a big company...sales management...and spend too much of my time on the road. The pay is good; I've got great benefits, stock options, retirement...all of that. But..." ...the traveling was... "After the divorce, being on the road all of the time was almost a relief...kept me from stewing at home alone...now it's really getting old." ... a toast...innocence...now...time... "What is it they say, time heals all wounds?" "It takes longer for some than for others...I can't imagine what you've gone through...I'm so sorry...you deserved so much better...I wish..." "Thank you, Jeff." They prattled back and forth before, during and after dinner, remembering fonder times, catching up on the intervening years. ...running out of things to say... They finished a second and then a third bottle of wine together; it was late. He didn't want to go to bed...he wanted to enjoy every possible minute with her...with the woman he had fallen in love with fifteen years earlier...he now understood that she was the only woman he had ever been in love with. ... a kiss...that old familiar pain .... She kissed him...he was back in school...her lips...he felt the old familiar pain and wonderand he kissed her back...and his arms went around her. She broke the kiss first, but only to speak, tears again filling her eyes "You didn't wait for me." "I wish..." "I know...no regrets. Come to bed with me...it's been too long and I just need comfort right now...it doesn't have to mean anything other than...whatever it means...I need to be held...made love to." Fifteen years earlier their love making had often been playful, even adventurous but on more occasions than not, deeply passionate and intense. Neither Jeff nor Bethany felt remotely playful; both needed the comfort of another's arms...both needed to be loved...it had been too long for both of them. Home...his empty, lonely home back in Florida...her empty, lonely home here, in this Northeastern city. They made love as two lonely people do...urgent but also different...the holding on to each other was far more important than the sex...the warmth of her body against him...his strong arms surrounding her. "Stay..." "I want to; I can't. I have to be in Boston by noon...another worthless meeting but I'm the star attraction. Then I'm flying back to Florida...for the weekend..." "It's your weekend with your babies, isn't it?" "Yes...Beth, I want to come back...I want you to come see me...meet the kids...I want..." "I don't know if I want you to come back...part of me does..." "Beth...I..." "You are the only one in my current life that calls me that...Bert called me Bethany...very formal...Betts to close friends..." "I don't want this to be just...I've missed you...fifteen years..." "But you aren't about to leave Florida...that's where your babies are and all I have left in the world is here...my mom and dad...my sisters...special friends...what's left of my life." "I understand; I think I always knew that about you...you were the consummate homebody...loved it here...missed it when you were in college...that's why you transferred..." "Jeffrey...I bet no one in your current life calls you that, do they? I enjoyed the sex and the comfort...very much...thank you. You always had the touch but you've added finesse with age. But somehow the idea of you stopping by every now an again for a quick fuck doesn't work for me...couldn't work for me." She paused as if collecting her thoughts. "I never stopped loving you. I was positive we'd never speak again, let alone meet...make love. It brought back all those old familiar feelings. I wanted to call you after the accident but you were married...we'd closed it off. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us. Now I don't know what I want...what makes sense...even what is possible...but I'm very sure seeing you...sleeping with you every now and again doesn't cut it. You have obligations to those children...your job. I think you should probably just go...go to Boston...and don't come back...I'm strong enough at this very minute to say that...send you away...but if we do this again, and then again...I'm afraid I couldn't deal with it and I'd ask you to do something that's not in the best interest of you...your kids...or me. You'd always resent it...resent me if I was the reason you lost them. I'm not sure I'd be able to respect you if you left them in the lurch even though...I can't deal with that...we couldn't deal with that." "We can talk...the phone..." "No! We've been there and done that...not again." "I don't want to lose you again...I love you...never stopped." "Which Beth do you love? This one or the eighteen year old one? I'm this one...that one is long gone. You have other people...more important at this juncture that need you...even more." "Look, Beth...fifteen years ago you were right. We were too young and getting way too serious. You were the wise one...knew we needed some separation...some maturity. Now things are different. There are issues...I agree...I accept that...give me some time to work through this...try to find some answers...solutions..." "Time...I've got lots of that. Life's a bitch sometimes, isn't it?" She went to hug me... "I'm not going anywhere and have no romantic interests on the horizon...but I...shit! Don't dawdle, Jeffrey! Keep me or let me go but either way it's got to have finality. I will never hate you...could never hate you...will always love you...even if you do the right thing for you and your children...because you have to do the right thing...but if I can't feel your arms around me permanently...every damn day for the rest of my life, then I've got to let it go...and so do you...fair enough?" "Fair enough." ...that old familiar pain... He got back to the Tampa airport an hour before his children would arrive. His ex-wife had moved 150 miles away, a three and a half hour drive and had refused to meet him halfway after promising to do so in front of a judge. Flying the kids back and forth proved to be the only solution. Early on he had even had to have a taxi pick them up and drop them off because she refused to drive them the ten minutes to the airport. The judge had decided that she was being vindictive and threatened her with loss of custody. The correct phrase was some silly legal term involving residential something, not custody, since by law they had joint custody. Jeff's ex-wife was on her second or third serious boyfriend, none of whom had been disposed to having children around. She had allowed him far more time during the summer than he was "authorized" by the divorce decree. It turned out that she wanted to take a six week vacation to Australia with her most recent paramour and the kids were...well...in the way. Prior to the last visit to court, his attorney had discovered that she had been less than truthful about her income. Her three year declining maintenance stipend---the alimony portion of the settlement---was terminated early by the judge. The child support portion, which she had hoped to have raised was frozen. His lawyer had convinced him early on that the less he paid her regardless of what it was officially called, the better since it would leave him more cash to actually provide for the children. Her antics in court combined with her sleazy lawyer's games had irritated the judge and she ended up receiving far less than he once had offered her before the lawyers got involved. The kids would show up each week with virtually no clothing; he would take them out and shop for them. She had purchased no clothing for the new school year the previous fall; he had taken care of that. She wouldn't let them bring their favorite toys...they now had two sets of virtually everything that was important to them. She wouldn't even pay for their school activities, school photos, field trips or anything else for her children other than basic food and housing out of the generous child support money she received. Prior to Christmas, she called him claiming that she had no money to buy them Christmas presents; he sent her a check. His lawyer had ordered him to document every dime, every situation and every conversation---take control and stop being manipulated. His daughter's school counselor had called him long distance to express his concerns about his daughter's state of mind. He had driven down to meet with the man. Jeff had taken both children to a special psychologist who was very respected by the court and specialized in these kinds of issues. Jeff had not wanted to put the children through the additional agony of a custody battle; they were traumatized enough by the divorce. The $300 an hour psychologist believed he could win such a battle; Jeff's ex was doing stupid, foolish things that would only further anger the judge in the case. His attorney, an old friend, agreed, with the caveat that in addition to being traumatizing to all involved it would cost a bundle. Money was really not an issue; he made an excellent living and lived relatively modestly. He had decided against it to protect his kids from further damage. Met His Old Lover ...laughed...cried... "Mommy's got a new beau." His, old-for-her-eleven-years daughter Bethany intoned. "Uh, huh." "Don't you want to hear about him, daddy?" "It's not really my business sweetheart" "We really don't like him and he's not really into kids." "I see." "We have a baby sitter almost every night...they went away together last weekend." His son, Ben chimed in. It was at that point that the old rage almost overtook him but he held it back. Damn that woman! They're little more than a meal ticket for that self absorbed bitch! He thought to himself as he carefully nudged his daughter on to other topics. ...in those eyes I wasn't sure... He always cried as he made the lonely 45 minute drive home Sunday evening after leaving the kids at the airline gate. He called his attorney and friend early the next morning and read him in on the current situation regarding his ex-wife. "What do you want to do Jeff? I'm not going to make the decision for you. You have one shortcoming in this whole issue---you don't have a wife and surrogate mother for your kids. That's not a deal breaker if we can show that her behavior and actions are clearly not in the children's interests and the judge in the case is decidedly on your side." "I want my kids back, Lee, I want my kids back. I'm not concerned about the money...I am very concerned about..." "Tearing them up again? I hear you. Look, we can start kicking this can down the street and if you change your mind down the road---before it gets really nasty---you can stop it and all you will have lost is money. Here's what we need to do. I've already got a deposition in the file from the shrink. He has testified in this court system numerous times and is highly regarded. Your judge reveres him. We need to get similar stuff from the school counselor, teachers, neighbors, babysitters and we need to do it very discretely. I need to hire a PI and that's never cheap. Let me give you two scenarios." "One, the worst one, we gather all the evidence and she fights it tooth and nail, totally poisons your two kids, causes them unmitigated psychological harm and win or lose...everyone loses." "Scenario two is the better option. We gather all the evidence, enough such that any attorney worth his salt is going to tell her---she will lose this case. And then you step in and buy your children back." "What?" "You buy her off, old friend! If the latest love interest truly is not interested in the kids she might very well let them go for a fairly reasonable check---particularly if this new guy has money and is really interested in a long term relationship." "How long is it going to take?" "Fortunately you have documented everything as I asked you to. I'll have a better idea by the end of the week." When Jeff got home that Monday evening from work, he thought of calling Beth...telling her what he was doing. What would he tell her? I want my cake and I want to eat it too? I want you, I love you...but I don't want to lose them...can't lose them...He would wait. Lee called him late on Friday. "Jeff, I've always tried to spare you the sordid stuff but it's worse than you thought and in a sick way, it's better. Sit down, pour yourself not more than two stiff drinks and listen up." His ex-wife was hardly ever home with the kids, except when she was fucking her new lover under her own roof---who on at least one occasion had been seen naked by both of the children. On her weekends, she and the boy friend left the children with a sitter. The new beau had money but was a slime ball; he did seem to be interested in something long term. The romance seemed pretty serious. They had been observed shopping for rings. She was again not being truthful about her finances. She had been observed slapping her children on more than one occasion. The sworn statement from the school counselor was devastating; he was willing to testify that in his opinion, and he had a PhD and clinical credentials, the environment was potentially irreparably destructive---to both children. His analysis was the same as the one the three hundred dollar an hour shrink had provided. "Jeff, probably the most damaging stuff comes from the baby sitter." "Shit, Lee, how credible is some sixteen year old teeny bopper?" "She is sixty three, a retired school teacher and a registered guardian ad litem with the domestic court down there. Her only comment when we interviewed her was, 'What took you so long?' She was within days of filing a complaint with child services." "What happens now?" "We put the entire package together and file a request with the judge for an emergency hearing. She gets served with it, or her attorney if she still has him under retainer, and she goes ballistic. They file for a delay. We convince the judge that a delay will cause irreparable harm to the children and if he peruses the brief he'll see it in black and white. The judge doesn't allow the delay and set's a short hearing date. We, let me correct that, I begin to negotiate. You give me the top dollar amount your willing to pay and if her lawyer is worth a shit he'll know damn well that the case is a loser. I convince him you want to spare the children the trauma---which you do---and she accepts the inevitable along with your generous check." "What do I need to do?" "Don't engage in any conversations with her other than minimal conversations involving visitation or child welfare issues. As a matter of fact, if she calls, don't answer, call her back with a witness present---even better, come over here and make the call, our caller ID system sends out, 'Private Caller'. You're not five minutes away from the office. Other than that, don't talk about any of this with the kids---or anyone else and don't do anything, other than pay the bill I just sent you." "Lee, if it happens and all works out...can I move? Move out of state?" "Which state were you thinking of?" Jeff told him. "We'll stipulate it. We have full reciprocation on domestic issues with that state, it would help if you were moving there either for a promotion critical to your career---particularly if it would involve less overnight travel---or to provide a more stable home environment, which is a subtle way of saying...a new mommy." "Stipulate it. I'll work on the details and get back to you." Jeff wanted to call Beth; again he knew it was better that he didn't. What he did do Monday morning was schedule some time with his boss. They were good friends and had virtually started together in the company; Mike had elected to move inside early on for the stability. Jeff had stayed outside for the money and freedom. It was time to make a change. 'Met my old lover... "Mike, this has to stay between the two of us. My ex-wife is doing some really damaging things as far as the kids are concerned. There is a possibility that they may be coming to live with me...for the long haul. If that happens, it will happen pretty quickly and I need to..." "Get a normal life? I wondered what took you so long. I guess after the divorce...only seeing the kids on alternate weekends, it probably wasn't an issue...maybe it even made it easier." "I guess." "Jeff, the bad news is that there's nothing here in Florida unless I get promoted and that's at least two years away. The good news is they love you upstairs and wouldn't have a second thought about promoting you. Any place in particular?" Jeff told him where. "Are you serious? You'd leave sunny Florida to go to that frozen city? I understand the sun doesn't shine there from October to April. The SVP slot there has been open since old Ben Phelps retired six months ago. Let me get on the phone. Do we have a time frame?" "I'll know more by the end of the week." "Well, same here; let's chat on Friday. Listen buddy, you're going to lose the straight commission piece, but the SVP comp has been substantially improved over the last few years and I'd think the stability of a guaranteed pay check would mean something to a judge. Plus, the bonus potential will bring you close to what you're making---and you don't have to pay any of your own expenses...hell you even get a car and since that's a higher real estate market with a higher cost of living---a cost of living bump. If it will help and assuming it goes well, I can gin up a letter that the old man will sign indicating that the move is not purely 'voluntary'. In a sense it isn't. If you ask, and they offer and you turn it down you won't get a second chance." By Wednesday, her attorney had accepted service; she went ballistic. She called him. He didn't take the call but did call her back with his attorney's steno sitting across from him listening on the speaker phone. She said many stupid and foolish things, virtually admitting that it was about money. ...we laughed... we cried... Friday he again met with his boss, Mike. "Jeff, the general office---HR included---has no reservations at all but they do want you to come up for the obligatory interviews. Is there anything you can't rearrange...say Tuesday? In and out same day, I would think." ...lost...embarrassment... When the kid's flight arrived on Friday, they weren't on it. She had failed to get them to the airport on time. He called Lee, suppressing his urge to call her. "Let me call you right back." Lee did so thirty minutes later. "She never even tried to get them to the airport---she's not even there! Evidently she and lover boy are gone for the night. They're alone! The sitter has been alerted and arrived a few minutes ago. A neighbor called child welfare. A formal complaint has been filed but thanks to the fact the child services people know the sitter they left the kids home under her care. I've got a call in to the judge...you're on your cell. Are you still at the airport?" "In my car on the top parking deck so I could get decent reception." "Stay there until I call you." "What's going to happen?" "I don't know yet...patience!" Jeff waited an hour. His car phone rang. It was Lee, his lawyer. "Go get 'em." "What?" "Go down and buy yourself a round trip ticket and two one way tickets back and get your ass down there and pick up your kids. You will be met at the airport by a representative from child services and a police officer who will escort you to her place and then take you and your babies back to the airport. The judge revoked her custody pending a hearing and issued a bench warrant for her arrest for child abandonment. Probably a little over the top but he is a judge. She fucked up big time on this one. Get going!" ...her eyes...so blue... "Are we going to live with you now daddy?" His six year old little boy whispered as the three of them rode back to the airport in the back of the police cruiser. "Honey, things are a little confusing right now. We'll get it all sorted out; mommy and daddy love you." Lee called Jeff's house later that Friday night. "Jeff, it's legal advice time. Take 'em down and enroll them in school first thing Monday morning. I'm going to give you the name of a private school; the principal there has extensive experience in these kinds of cases." "When's the hearing going to be? Do the kids have to be there?" "No sooner then Wednesday and at this stage I'm not sure you're even going to be there. The child welfare people down there---you made a very positive impression on the one who was at the airport---are preparing a pretty blistering report. Let's see where it goes." Jeff enrolled the kids in their temporary new school first thing Monday morning. He panicked when he realized he had to be gone all day and in to the evening on Tuesday. Monday a little after noon, undecided as to what he should do, he made a call. "Beth?" "Jeff? Oh, God...I told you..." "I need help and you are the only one I can turn to." And then he told her what had transpired since they had last been together. "What can I do?" "I know I'm asking a lot but I need you to throw some stuff in a suitcase and get on the first flight you can make and come down here tonight so that you can be here with my children...my babies...tomorrow...I'll pay for the ticket..." "What's tomorrow?" She asked. "I have to go ...to my headquarters...it's about my job...I can't miss it...it means everything...to all of us..." "I'll call you back from the airport with my flight information. I've got to go." So it was at just a little after 8:00 PM that Jeff and his son and daughter anxiously awaited Bethany's arrival. "Who is the woman, daddy?" "She's a very dear, very old friend. We were...friends back when I was in college." "What kind of friend?" His son asked. "The kind that drops what she is doing and gets on an airplane to fly to a strange city over a thousand miles away to help out a good friend and his children and that's a pretty neat and special friend, don't you think?" "Cool." His son replied with a grin. "Does she have children?" His daughter asked. "She did, two little girls and a husband...they...she lost them...a terrible auto accident...two years ago." "How long is she going to stay?" His son asked. "I don't know, sweetheart, I really don't know." Beth came down the jet way and recognized them immediately. Being the good mommy she had once been to her own little ones, she ignored Jeff initially and paid special attention only to his two children. She and Jeff exchanged a quick hug and a perfunctory kiss on the cheek and headed back to the parking garage. She had brought them small gifts; she elected to sit in the back with them rather than up front with Jeff. Forty-five minutes later they arrived home and all had gone well. "Are you going to be our new mommy?" His son asked out of the blue. "You have a mommy, sweetheart, but I want to be a very special friend...is that okay?" "You're prettier than my mommy...nicer..." And the poor little tyke began to sob and before Jeff could pick him up to comfort him he was in Beth's arms. Where's Beth going to sleep?" His daughter asked. Before he could answer she did so. "I'd like to sleep in the guest room right between your two bedrooms...would that be okay?" The children were exhausted and quickly fell asleep. "Thank you." Jeff said softly as the two adults returned to the family room. "I don't want to leave them alone for long just in case one of them wakes up...I think it just makes sense for me to be there with them." "I agree." "Where is this going Jeff?" "I don't have all the answers, Beth. I am a man, a father, trying to have his cake and eat it to...trying to hold on to his precious babies and the woman he should have spent the last fifteen years with...the woman he is hopelessly in love with. I wasn't going to call you until there was some sort of resolution but I got desperate. I..." "I'll stay as long as you and the children need me to, baby." They held each other for several minutes and kissed softly. "I'm going to go to bed, dear heart...your arms are entirely too inviting and I have an obligation...no, a need to be there for them. They're the most important thing in the world right now...for both of us." Both adults retired to their respective sleeping quarters. In the middle of the night, Jeff arose to check on them...all three. He panicked when he found his son's bed empty and then his daughter's. Both children had crawled into bed with the woman he loved...a good start he thought to himself. Jeff left early the following morning for the airport after filling Beth in on where everything was including directions to their school. She kissed him goodbye at the door as a wife kisses her husband as he leaves for work...so very beautiful in her sleep- tousled hair, bare feet and long night gown. He called Lee to fill him in when he arrived in another Northern city, his company's home office city. "And where exactly did your old friend sleep?" "In the guest room on the opposite end of the house from my room...the kids ended up sleeping with her." "That's good. Just in case someone asks." Jeff focused on the next task at hand, pushing the travails of the past few days to the back of his mind so that he would be on his game for the crucial promotion interviews. He was. Before he departed later in the afternoon, the company President made the offer he so desperately had been seeking. He told him that he simply wanted to discuss it with his family but that for all practical purposes, he was ready to take the position. He called Lee from the airport just before boarding. "Jeff, it's going to be a little tricky tomorrow. We're on a 9:00 AM but the judge wants the children standing by in case---and I'm betting he will want to chat with them alone in chambers. So here's the way it's going to work; we all need to be there, by 8:30. The first part of the hearing will be the lawyers, the judge, the shrink, the report from child welfare, the school counselor and so on---and testimony from the baby sitter who is flying up to testify on your dime. Then I would expect his honor will want to talk to the kids for fifteen or twenty minutes. Then he will probably have you and your ex in the court room and possibly the whole family at the very end. I feel good about where we are but it is very unusual for a mother to lose residential custody of her own children so don't count your chickens yet." When Jeff got home the kids were working on their homework as Beth busied herself in the kitchen. All were glad to see him. "You didn't have to cook dinner, we could have gone out..." "A family is supposed to eat dinner together at home...your family..." She said wistfully. "Go spend time with your precious ones...they are amazing...very special." Jeff did so. The kids told him about their new school and asked about his trip. He told them he had been offered a promotion. "Are we going to have to move again?" His daughter asked with concern. "Well, honey, probably so but I won't have to travel as much...I'll be there to see you off in the morning and be there for dinner." "What about mommy...is she moving too?" His son asked. "I don't know about that sweetheart." "What about Beth? We really like her... will she come to see us?" His son implored. "I imagine she will...she's pretty fond of you guys too." "Who are we going to live with?" They both asked in unison and Jeff tried to explain to them what would occur at the court house the following morning. Neither of them was satisfied with the lack of clear resolution but both, while confused, understood that uncertainty still cast a shadow over their young lives. ... she loved the man... Bethany did love this man and his special children had quickly snuck into her heart. She had feared this kind of meeting...knew that once she got here...met his children...it would be terribly painful to leave...she wasn't sure she wanted to leave...knew she wanted...knew she belonged...they belonged...together. And he had put it all on the line...changed his life in a few short weeks...risked everything...for her...to have her...to be with her...and now it was her turn to do whatever...sacrifice whatever for this man and his family...her family? She glanced at each of her three dinner companions and for the first time in over two years...she just grinned...maybe...just maybe...as they cleared the dishes together she had made her decision. She would do whatever it took; she wanted to be part of this family more than anything in the world...whatever it took... The kids were exhausted and went to bed on time with few complaints. Jeff and Beth sat down together in the family room. "What's going to happen tomorrow?" She asked. "The lawyers will meet with the judge. Then I would think she and I will go in front of him. Lee says he will probably want to speak to the children privately in his chambers. Then I would hope he will make a decision but there is the chance he may want to take it under advisement." Met His Old Lover "You'll need some help; you can't leave the kids alone outside of the courtroom while you're in there. I'll go with you." "I was hoping you would. Beth...I'm really sorry to have dragged you into the middle of this mess...I..." Beth was silent for a moment, then turned and confronted him. "How can you be sure you really love me? I'm not a kid anymore...neither are you...fifteen years is a long time...people change...we've spent one night together in fifteen years. That's not much of a basis for..." "A marriage...based on fifteen years of memories of the year or so we were together in college? It's crossed my mind just as it has yours. Fifteen years ago for that magic year or so we fit like a glove...we were connected...we were in love. Every woman I've met since we parted...even my ex-wife...I compared them to you. To some degree, you're correct. In my mind you became the perfect woman...the only woman I ever loved...could ever love again. Dammit, Beth, we were more than lovers! We were best friends. We might not have always agreed on everything but we saw the world through similar eyes...had the same concept of right and wrong...how people should be treated...what was important. My heart tells me it it's right...we belong together. I can't imagine not knowing...letting you slip away again if there's a chance that we found something unbelievably special fifteen years ago...something that is still there between us...a chance to be happy...deliriously happy." "Jeff, right now we're two pretty beat up people...the expression, 'any port in a storm' comes to mind. I so desperately needed to be loved again...loved as a woman by a man that evening you followed me into the store...I haven't...not since the accident...and then there you were..." "I didn't tell you but I have absolutely no responsibility for that part of the country...your part of the country. My counterpart who does had a heart attack...he's only forty. They asked me to cover for him...fly up, rent a car and drive a thousand miles over a week because there were things that would fall apart if they weren't attended to. I wasn't thinking about you when I chose the route...I literally could have driven half a dozen different ways. Thursday morning I called in and they asked me to make one more stop before I headed for Boston; it wasn't part of the original plan. I made no conscious decision that put me on that stretch of Interstate that afternoon....looking back it's not even the shortest route to Boston. I saw that exit and I still have no idea what made me turn off...but I did...it was as if you were calling to me as crazy as that sounds..." Beth began to cry softly; she looked up and smiled. "I was calling to you. Jeff, I'm not trying to be melodramatic here; you know me better than that. That afternoon I was real close to throwing in the towel. Oh, I didn't have a plan or anything, nor did I have any good reason to keep on going. If you hadn't...Let's not go there. After you left, bluntly I started to lose it. My family was gone...I let you go...no, chased you away...anyway for the second time in my life I'd let you get away from me. Then you called and you needed me; for the first time in a long time I had a purpose for existing...someone I cared about needed my help. Thank you. My heart tells me I never stopped loving you but even if it didn't, I care about you...you were...are...a special friend. I'll stay as long as you need me to help." "Things have happened pretty quickly over the past couple of weeks. Look, my ex-wife had turned into one shitty parent. I kept getting all the signs that things weren't right down there but I rationalized that a custody battle would just be more trauma for that little boy and girl in the those two bedrooms. Now I'm starting to realize that I probably should have acted sooner. But I wouldn't have...if it hadn't been for you. You made it pretty clear that if there was going to be anything between us it had to be real and that..." "I wasn't willing to move? That's probably about the most bitchy, low down thing I could have done to you. I'm very sorry. I was pushing you away again...I was afraid...confused...I figured if I set conditions that you couldn't possibly live with...challenged you...you'd finally get over me...and I'd get over you...oh God, I'm so sorry!" "But don't you get it? I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now if you hadn't kicked me in the butt! You gave me the shove I needed to act...I owe you big time for that!" "I'm glad you can see it that way but I feel awful having in essence asked you to make a decision between those two adorable children of yours and me. That wasn't right...wasn't fair." "Beth, if the custody issue didn't---doesn't---work out I didn't---don't---have a clearly outlined plan 'B'. If she wins this and gets to keep custody...I can't move...I can't be a thousand miles away from them. That part was always a roll of the dice. But even if it turns out that way, I'd sort of planned to fly up and park in front of your house every other weekend for the rest of my life until you said...yes. " "Yes?" "Yes, Jeffrey, there is a chance and yes I have feelings for you, very strong ones. Yes I still love you and yes I'm willing to give it a shot. Yes, I want to be your wife but only after we've both convinced ourselves that we're living in the here and now and not in a fifteen year old memory. If it means I have to move away from my home, yes, I'll even do that. I need to ask one deal breaking question. I'm still young enough to have children. I'm already falling for yours and I'd love to be able to think of them as ours but...I want...I need..." "I was hoping, praying that you wanted more children..." "Really?" "Oh, yeah." "That was too easy!" "Well, I think we're probably going to invoke the same sleeping arrangements we had last night so what other issues are there that we need to discuss?" "Okay, first, it wasn't fair of me to ask you to move and even if you did I wouldn't expect you to live in the same house. As a matter of fact I'm finally beginning to realize that it's probably not good for me to stay in that house so..." Jeff jumped up, much to Beth's surprise and grabbed a map out of his briefcase. He spread it out on the kitchen counter. Without asking any questions, she joined him. There were two points marked on the map; she quickly realized that one of them was her home. "Sweetheart, I know how important your family is to you. These two locations are about forty-five miles apart. I've never had a chance to explore that area...what the hell is there in this area?" "It's still farmland...expensive farmland but farmland nevertheless." "Well, today I all but accepted a job and my office will be there." Jeff said, stabbing the second marked point on the map. "You might remember that I was always a country boy at heart. I want some land...a few acres...no houses in sight but close to things that are important. What would you think about looking for something in that area? Worst case, or maybe best case, we buy some land and then build." Beth threw her arms around him and cried softly on his shoulder. "If you're willing to turn your entire life upside down to accommodate my obsessive need to be close to my family, to my sisters...mom and dad... I'll even learn to slop hogs, milk cows or whatever it is you farmer types like to do. Wow..." "Wow?" "I had thought up to this very second that all I was hearing was your heart...your emotions...your obsession with what we once were to each other coming through. I was so afraid that you...no, both of us...were desperately grasping at those happy times when we were so young. I was afraid you were on a fantasy ride and to a greater degree than is probably healthy I desperately wanted to jump on that ride with you. I should have known better. Jeff, while you were---are—unquestionably the most unrepentant and incorrigible romantic I've ever known you also always had a logical, practical side. I fell head over heels in love with the romantic but always respected and admired the practical Jeff. I think it's why we clicked back then. Heart and head in balance...although right before we parted the heart part was pulling awfully hard and both of us were having trouble keeping our head in the game. You've got this planned out, don't you buddy? You haven't lost one iota of that strong goal orientation that always impressed me---inspired me." "It's the most important goal I've ever set for myself...for us. Everything, heart and head, tells me that this is right Beth. Someone was nice enough to provide the signs and now we have to follow the trail and get there. Stay with me girl." "I'm on board, hon, I'm on board." The next morning Jeff, Beth and the two children sat in the hallway outside of the courtroom while the lawyers and official witnesses met with the judge. As forecasted by Lee, it took a little over an hour. Lee rejoined the family in the hallway. "Jeff, the judge wants to meet with the children in his chambers." A kindly clerk led the two young ones to the judge's chambers. "How'd it go?" Jeff inquired. "It went well. This particularly judge takes this kind of job very seriously. While there are precedents, protocols and traditions, he also wants to be very sure that he is making the right decision for the parties involved---specifically the children---regardless of the law. It's a big step for a judge to revoke a mother's residential custody rights. Remember, in this kind of court there really is no appeal...he's God in that respect. Compared to some of the horrible abuse cases he sees, her behavior is, relatively speaking, not that serious, although the testimony from the experts and child welfare was quite damaging. On another note, her attorney has been just over the line of disrespectful---which isn't helping her case. He has already spoken to your ex-wife and I have a sense that he wasn't buying her act. You'll be next; he may want to chat with your friend...let her know." "Why?" "Possibly to get a sense of what kind of company you keep...look, Jeff...the one thing against you is...you're not married. It's not fair, single mothers get the kids and single fathers get screwed but it happens that way too often. Make sure he hears about your proposed job change and the fact that you won't be on the road as much. By the way, in terms of the young widow.... wow! What a stunning woman she is! I only had a few minutes to chat with her while you were talking to the kids earlier but I almost proposed twice...which my wife would find terribly disconcerting. I hope you're going to tell me that this goes beyond a platonic old friendship and you have every intention of a trip down the aisle with that delightful lady!" "That is my intention. Look, Lee, we were once head over heels in love. We've spent one night together in the last fifteen years. We're both in very vulnerable situations. Both of our hearts say yes but neither of us wants to go through this kind of thing a second time." "I hear you. That didn't take long...here come the kids...you're on." ...We drank a toast... "I keep thing pretty informal back here, Jeff. I'll call you Jeff and you can call me judge or your honor...a little judicial humor there. Look, it's a big step for a judge to reverse a custody decision and place the children in residence with the father. I also see that you are requesting permission to move with them to another locale. Talk to me." "Sir, I travel, sometimes four nights a week. I make a good living but there's a price to pay for that. I've been offered a promotion to an inside position which will actually mean a little less money but a drastic reduction in travel. Other than an occasional conference two or three times a year, I'll be home every night." "You couldn't have done that in this state?" "There's only one job at that level that I'd be qualified for and it's filled for at least two more years." "Why that particular city?" "The company always has a tough time filling jobs in northern cities so they make it very attractive. Additionally I chose that city because my friend who has been helping with the kids over the last couple of days lives there...she grew up there...her mom and dad live there...her siblings. Your honor, she and I saw each other for the first time in fifteen years a couple of weeks ago. We used to exchange holiday cards, pictures of our kids and such but haven't even done that in almost ten years. We were both married to other people for most of that time. For some inexplicable reason I pulled off the Interstate at her exit while traveling on business and looked her up. We were college sweethearts but life, a combat tour and other things got in the way. She is a widow; her husband and two children, the same ages as mine, were killed by a drunk driver two years ago." "Where is this relationship going?" The judge asked bluntly. "Fifteen years is a long time, you honor. If it was just a matter of hearts...I'd ask her to marry me...well, I sort of already did...but...we just want to be sure we're not just in love with who each of us was fifteen years ago...neither of us is interested in an affair...it's got to be all or nothing." "Your kids like her a lot. They're sort of hoping she sticks around. I'm talking out of school, here. How's she going to take it if I don't agree to letting you leave the state?" "We talked about it last night; she's committed to seeing it through...exploring our future together regardless." "How did she end up coming down here?" "When the kids came back home with me I suddenly realized that I had to go to my corporate headquarters for the interviews on Tuesday. My parents are elderly and don't travel well or quickly and I really had no one else I would have trusted to look after them. I called her and asked her to come down and baby sit; she caught the next flight out." "That's a pretty special friend." "She's a pretty special lady." "I plan to chat with her. I think we're done here. I would be a lot more comfortable if your's was a two parent household. I know it's not fair that there is a double standard for men. You've at least given me a sense that the situation could change in the near future. I'm not intimating that you are a gambling man but what are the odds that this rekindled love story is going to have a happy, that is, marital ending?" "We've both got our head in the game as of last night. We talked about issues you know, having more children..." "And?" "We both want them. We were best friends. We liked each other before we fell in love. We're both pretty sure that it's there...what needs to be there to make it work. I don't remotely understand odds, your honor but the darn woman melts my heart every time I look at her...just the way she did when she was eighteen. There are always obstacles but I believe we both want it to work so much that we'll overcome any issues." "You are a refreshingly candid man, Jeff. Most guys in your situation would have fed me a line of bull. I respect the fact that you didn't. I need to meet this girl of yours." ... a toast to now... "It's your turn babe. The judge is taking a quick potty break and then he wants to meet you." "Pardon me?" "The judge wants to meet you for a chat...I know you didn't sign on for this but..." "Oh hells, bells, Jeff. When I got on that airplane I signed on for the whole shooting match. I did work for several years before I had children. I started again about six months ago albeit part time. Not that you would have known." "What kind of work?" "I have a Masters in Social Work...remember? I used to work with families with abused children and I often had to brief the judge on my observations. I'll be fine." *** "First, Let me express my deep sorrow for your loss, ma'am. No words can possibly ease your pain. And now you've been thrown or pulled into another painful situation. I really just wanted to get to know you and understand your part or role in this family if there is one." "You honor, the first man I ever loved stopped by to see me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen him in fifteen years. I didn't know about his situation nor did he know of my loss. We spent the night together, two lonely, tortured souls desperate for some comfort and a loving embrace. The next morning I chased him away; I wasn't looking for a lover or a fling and in addition to understanding his obligation to---and deep love for---his children I was pretty sure it was just two lonely people reconnecting with a once magical romance that had ended a decade and a half ago. I told him not to call...he did but only to ask for my help...he needed help...and...whatever he was or had been he was a very special, dear friend who needed help...and I hadn't felt very needed in over two years." "Go on." "Your honor, back in college we parted because we were getting too serious and we were too darned young! Life got in the way and we never found each other again...until two weeks ago. He showed up at my door at what was probably my most desperate hour; I had prayed...send me a sign...something...anything...that says, buck it up girl and get back in the game of life! I don't want to disturb anyone's religious sensitivities but..." "I am a man of faith, my dear and I'm old enough to be your father or worse...go on..." "God sent me an angel who just happened to look exactly like the man who just left your chambers. I put all kinds of road blocks in front of him...made things difficult...and with every word and action in the last two weeks he keeps bowling over those barriers and I am now convinced that he and I are meant to spend the rest of our lives together. That none of this has happened by accident. I haven't told him that yet in so many words...but I will do whatever he and those children that he so desperately loves need me to do to ensure that they have a happy future...any sacrifice...whatever I'm called upon to do. He is the same kind, thoughtful, caring, wonderful man I once knew. Those children are his life and I want to be part of that life...with him...with them. Judge, you can't miss it...the love in his eyes when he looks at his children...and this morning, sitting out in that corridor, he turned and looked at me...and it was the same...the same love...I can't lose him twice in one life time." "Do you work Beth?" "I worked full time until my children came along; then I quit. I never wanted to be a working mother and my husband...he was a very successful architect...we had that luxury. I worked part time, mostly volunteer work after the kids got a little older. I'm trying to get back into harness now...but..." "What kind of work do you do?" "I have a Masters in Social Work. I started out working in a female youth prison then worked with single mothers and families with abused children. I'm currently working part time---Jeff doesn't even know about this, we really haven't had time---as a court appointed guardian ad litem in...custody cases for a judge who does pretty much what you do." "Oh my! Well, recognizing that you have a personal stake in all of this but in view of your extraordinary candor---you and Jeff seem to share that trait---what's your expert opinion?" "Nothing like putting me between a rock and a hard place, eh judge?" "That's my job." "I've had less than 72 hours to get to know the kids but probably as much one on one time as I ever get in a court appointed case. They're really good, sweet kids; they're terribly confused and traumatized more by the games...they feel used. I've never met their mother---I'd never even seen her until this morning. They are very attached to their father. I sense that he has been at least equally if not more responsible for nurturing. I've not engaged in the typical interviewing of them that I would do in a court appointed case. The older child, the daughter, Bethany, has let slip some genuine anger about other men in her mother's life...the lack of stability...a sense that they are not primary. She's going to need some help. The little boy, Ben, just needs to be held and loved and see a normal, stable healthy home and he will be fine. They love their mother but the trust issues are growing. That's about as clinical as I can get your honor. Could I love those precious babies as if they were my own? Without a shadow of a doubt. Can their birth mother do so? I'm not qualified to answer that one. I will only say that I have a strong sense that raising those kids is not currently her primary focus. As such, she would need supervision and mandated changes in her living arrangements. If we were talking about the choice between foster care and the birth mother, probably not unlike you, sir, I'd go with the birth mother and a heavy dose of supervision. In this case, however, regardless of precedent...there is a loving parent ready, willing and able to give them a good home." Met His Old Lover "And possibly two 'parents'? "I'd accept an elevation of possibly to probably." Beth replied with just the hint of a grin. "Just for the record, Beth, and thank you again for your candor, child services read it just the way you did, as did the psychiatrist Jeff hired, a man who I have the utmost respect for. I think we're done here. You are a charming and very beautiful young lady...and when you smile like you just did you light up a room. I hope you find reasons to smile a lot more often. He'd be a fool to let you get away a second time...and I know he's not a fool." Beth rejoined the rest of 'her' family in the courthouse corridor. Lee rejoined them at almost the same moment. "What happens now?" "He could call in just you and your ex to render his judgment, he could take it under advisement—which I doubt---he might address the entire family—I doubt that in view of the ages of the kids...I'm not sure. Oh, wait a minute, this is not in character! He's walking out of his chambers and coming toward us!" "Counselor, I wonder if I could have a couple of minutes with your client and his family alone...I know it's irregular." "Absolutely, your honor, I'll be just down the hall." As soon as Lee was out of ear shot, the judge spoke, ostensibly to Jeff but in reality to all of them. "Jeff, take your beautiful family and go home...wherever that home is or becomes. Lee will brief you on the details but in brief, I'm giving you residential and full custody of these beautiful children." He turned, bent down and addressed the young children. "You're going to live with your daddy from now on." The judge did not miss the way the two children's faces lit up. He continued. "Your former wife will be granted limited, supervised visitation, normally that's selected alternate holidays and two weeks in the summer; you'll work that out later. I've suspended all child support payments to her. You are free to move as long as it is to a reciprocal state and the one indicated in your attorney's brief is such a state. Normally there is a requirement to check on how things are going after twelve months but that does not generally entail a court appearance. One final thing, Jeff...could I speak to you privately, just for a sec?" The judge led Jeff a few feet away from Beth and the children. "She loves you. You love her. Don't dawdle and feel free to send me an invitation. Now get out of here. I have some unpleasant news to deliver to the other party in this matter." ... eyes were still as blue...so blue... "I never quite pictured you as a Dan Fogelberg kind of guy. I mean, his love songs are a girl's dream but most guys..." She and Jeff had returned home after dropping the kids at school for the few hours remaining. She was looking for some music to put on the stereo. "I never used to listen to him. I always thought he was a lightweight...until I started paying attention to his words. I was driving along one day a couple of years before I accosted you in the produce section and heard, 'Same Old Lang Syne'. I bought the damn album...I must have played that one song a hundred times...and every time I did I thought of you...and then I cried...sobbed uncontrollably. Then I listened to the rest of it, it's called 'The Innocent Age' and then some of his other songs...'Seeing You Again'... 'Longer'. I can't say that I loved them all but that one song...I owe old Dan a big debt. Without that song who knows if I ever would have been approaching that exit and made that impetuous decision." "Well, at this very moment I need something a little different. This is absolutely one of my favorite songs...Tracy Chapman...dance with me." give me one reason...don't want leave...change my mind...give you what you need...too old to chase...love you...no more to say... "You gave me all the reasons I could possibly need...changed my mind baby...never lonely again...not you, not me...I can and do love you...always have...you can give me what I need and I can do the same for you. No more chasing a dream...we're going to live it baby...we are living it...you and me...together at last." The two lovers danced slowly together until the song ended and then just held each other tightly. "We have time...a couple of hours...come to bed with me..." "I was afraid you'd never ask! I wasn't sure...I brought a special outfit for the occasion...one I only wore once...and only for you." "Oh, my!"